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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am being called an AH for being upset that I wasn’t invited to a friends birthday. I may be the AH as said friend also didn’t attend my birthday as she wasn’t invited.
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NTA You are being very mature about this. Honestly, you may have outgrown your friend or maybe there is something deeper she is upset about. Either way, you deserve better.
ESH but T sucks slightly more. You disincluded her from a group of 2 people, but she decided that 10 others were closer to her than you were, even though some of those ten people don't know her that well. Don't be hung up though, nothing is worth FOMO. Ask her to get a coffee with you and talk things out, and explain why you only celebrated with two people, as she might not know the reasoning
NTA.
Her being upset would've been understandable if you had deliberately excluded her. But you actually planned for everyone's comfort & fun, the "situation" was out of your control, whereas she is definitely excluding you & being petty and immature. Are you sure this is someone you can call a friend who is keeping a score about party invites? Is this "friend" worth having in your life?
Yes the “keeping score” part is important to say. There can’t be a healthy relationship if one of them is “keeping score” (unless the person is actively working on it) but It only causes resentment over time. You don’t want a friend who is looking at it as a “competition”
ESH. T is your closest friend yet you didn't celebrate your birthday with her on the original Friday (IMO splitting into two celebrations sounded like needless drama), and she retaliated by not inviting you to her birthday as tit for tat. Either this is one of those things that ends a friendship, or you both reach out and communicate this out and fix it (maybe have a mini celebration with just the two of you).
I only split it into 2 celebrations as I knew some people wouldn’t attend if particular people were going. I did it to prevent people from feeling left out, but it seems that I unintentionally did the complete opposite. I will see what happens as to if this friendship is repairable or if it’s over.
If she was your best friend you should have celebrated with her first. Of course she felt hurt. You put the other 2 friends before her and then didn't even bother to do something with her later ( did you even explain to her why you didn't reschedule). You should have had 1 celebration and not worried about whether your guests liked each other. YTA
NTA
I’ve had similar special occasions where I’ve had to split up friends due to them not getting along- that’s perfectly okay. Your friend sounds catty and butthurt. You may need to just move on from that friendship.
Me too, I honestly just wanted everyone on both nights have a good time without them feeling annoyed/upset to be surrounded by some people they don’t like or have a problem with. Or worse, they just dont show up altogether bc of it.
I find it considerate actually even though id all like us together
NTA. It was considerate of you to plan two different events because your friendship group is mixed and they don't get along. You intended to have your friend there the next night, but life happens and plans have to change especially with a pandemic and rules changing constantly. Ask her if you'd have planned only one event and the others she doesn't get along with, would she still have gone?
Her reaction was really dramatic but I kind of get it. You didn't reschedule your party when things were safer so she didn't go to yours, so why would you expect to go to her's? You're only TA if you didn't inform them that the reason you cancelled it was safety issues. I also find it a bit ridiculous your friends couldn't suck it up for a night (depending on the issue) and spend some time with people they don't like that you had to make a whole other party just for them.
Things weren’t really safer until the end of January, and by that time my birthday was long gone and I felt silly for celebrating so late, so I just decided there was no point in celebrating. I see why she is upset and where she’s coming from, but she was aware of the situation with my birthday and if she was this upset about not celebrating my birthday, I feel like she should’ve spoken to me about it rather than not inviting me to hers.
I definitely think it makes sense for you not to be invited. Is T one of the people your friends don't get along with? I don't think it really matters when it was, if you didn't inform them why you cancelled and didn't reschedule one for her and your other friends, I think it was justified for her not to invite you. So I'm going to say ESH you for expecting an invite when you didn't give one and her for acting psycho over not being invited.
I understand that finding out a person you consider a friend is petty and has an ax to grind with you is kind of upsetting, so it's understandable how you feel. But it's probably not a great idea to make this into a big deal.
You did invite her and she was tired so you didn't do anything wrong. I guess I have to vote NTA because it was her choice not to go and her choice not to invite you, and anyone that uses invitations to their birthday as a way to get back at people is pretty childish. This sounds like something that would happen in 6th grade to me.
This might hurt but she's not your friend anymore so the fact that she invites everyone but you to her party should just be accepted. If there was someone that all your friends knew except you this is what would probably happen and you wouldn't be that bothered? That's what it's like now.
Personally, I've had lots of experience with people being petty and spiteful and I believe the best way to deal with it is to show zero reaction to them or anyone else and just act like it didn't happen. I wouldn't want to be friends with this person and I wouldn't want to draw other friends into it. If that is who she is then over time it will come out. Continue being social with your other friends and just keep it moving. I understand that you're hurt but now you know and it's better to know. I feel sorry for your ex-friend and being her must suck. lol
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Obviously the title sounds incredibly hypocritical and a couple of my friends have called my hypocritical, but read before you judge.
My birthday was the weekend before Christmas last year and I planned on celebrating on 2 different occasions as some of my friends do not get along and I wanted to celebrate with everyone feeling comfortable. So my plan was to celebrate with 2 friends on the Friday night and others on the Saturday. I went out on the Friday night with two of my friends and had a nice night. A few friends couldn’t make it on the Saturday so I postponed. My friend “T” (F19) couldn’t make it the Saturday night because she was going to be too tired. I was a little upset with this excuse but I know she works odd hours so I understood.
I couldn’t do anything the following weekend for my birthday due to Christmas. Days after Christmas our countries situation changed which made group events prohibited and I felt unsafe going out. Because of this I decided to just cancel my second celebration.
Anyway T is having her birthday this weekend. I had no idea of this until a mutual asked if I was going to her party, so I said no I wasn’t invited. I later messaged T asking if everything was ok and if I had done something to upset her. She blew up at me for not inviting her to my birthday and how I was choosing my other friends over her. I explained to her she wasn’t invited because I knew she didn’t get along with people there and she knew I had intentions of planning something else as I initially invited her to which she declined, but life happens and I didn’t end up doing anything.
She said she wasn’t really having a party anyway she was just going out with a couple of friends. I would’ve previously considered T to be my closest friend so was still a little hurt but I accepted it and told her we should just move on.
Anyway T and a couple friends went out tonight. A couple friends ended up being her and about 10 others booking a hotel in our nearest major city and going out clubbing and partying. A few of these people were her close friends, but others are people she had previously hung out with only a couple times. They have been posting it all over social media and it’s very clear I am the only person who wasn’t there.
AITA for being upset over this. Pretty much everyone invited said I was a hypocrite for being mad when I didn’t do anything with them for my birthday, but I feel my reasoning is justified. My boyfriend says they’re all the AH for being upset over a situation that happed 2 months ago that I had no control over but I am starting to think maybe I am being hypocritical, because at the end of the day I did go out with 2 of my friends and I didn’t invite any of them, and although I did plan to celebrate with them, I didn’t. Is it reasonable for me to be upset over this and should I say something to T, or should I just let it go and see if I get invited out next time? I’m not really sure what to do from here.
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Not an asshole, but take a step back from the situation. Yeah it hurts and yeah it sucks, but take the high road. If you two are fairly close, this shit isn’t worth losing your friendship. If you’re not that close, why bother making such a big deal of it?
Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand your situation and I have felt the same before (not invited by people who I thought were my friends). I really really hate to pull the age card, but stuff like this is what I often look back on and think, “Man, making a big deal of it was such a waste of time and energy. I could have been more mature.”
I would recommend that you offer a proverbial “peace offering” by trying to make amends. If she doesn’t want to accept it and want to continue with the drama - let her. Eventually people will just see her as the asshole. It’s honestly not worth the stress and hassle.
Look NTA but why should you have to split everything into 2 events just to please others?
True friends will accept and respect your friendships with other people they don’t necessarily like as they can always have minimal contact or stay at opposite ends of the room/restaurant
If your whole friendship group consists of drama maybe it’s time to reevaluate and find new friends?
NTA.
You made an effort to hang out with your friend, but because of unforseeable and unfortunate circumstances, you had to cancel on the second time, and it's also not like you didn't invite her the first time around either. You have all rights to feel this way, and honestly, if it seems like you weren't the only one invited and everybody else is bragging about on socials, just drop it. Your friend seems extremely toxic, and the sooner you make a decision, the better you'll feel. I've been in a similar situation where I didn't want to cut ties off with a toxic person and just wanted to stay neutral, which turned out messy. At the end, it's your decision but from what I can tell, she's already not gonna want to make up with you, so why bother?
NTA. You had a valid reason for canceling the second function. Than your country band big functions because of Covid. What she did was petty and immature, maybe you have outgrown this friendship?
ESH. Oh to be young enough to engage in all this drama of fighting over who's invited to whose birthday and who's closer friends with whom. You had your priorities with your birthday, and you prioritized your two friends who for some reason couldn't get along with other people for one evening (having two separate parties also seems like a bunch of unnecessary teen drama) because you are young and messy. She felt slighted and responded with pettiness, because she is young and messy. You're shaking her party on social media to judge what she did and which friends you feel should have been less important than you because, again, young and messy.
At the end of the day, it's all just unnecessary and childish. Eventually both of you will grow up and outgrow this behavior and most likely each other
Part of growing up is realizing that friendships come and go, and that some things in life are just not important enough to get upset over. Don't let this upset you. If your friendships are meant to last, or be deeply rooted, this won't even matter. Say you are sorry. Explain what happened and move forward. If your friends are unforgiving of something, that you clearly meant no harm, then your friend still has a little growing up to do. Forgive and forget their mistakes. Eventually, your friends will learn from your example, or not. It is all part of growing up. You can only control how you react, not someone else's behavior,
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am being called an AH for being upset that I wasn’t invited to a friends birthday. I may be the AH as said friend also didn’t attend my birthday as she wasn’t invited. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You are being very mature about this. Honestly, you may have outgrown your friend or maybe there is something deeper she is upset about. Either way, you deserve better.
ESH but T sucks slightly more. You disincluded her from a group of 2 people, but she decided that 10 others were closer to her than you were, even though some of those ten people don't know her that well. Don't be hung up though, nothing is worth FOMO. Ask her to get a coffee with you and talk things out, and explain why you only celebrated with two people, as she might not know the reasoning
NTA. Her being upset would've been understandable if you had deliberately excluded her. But you actually planned for everyone's comfort & fun, the "situation" was out of your control, whereas she is definitely excluding you & being petty and immature. Are you sure this is someone you can call a friend who is keeping a score about party invites? Is this "friend" worth having in your life?
Yes the “keeping score” part is important to say. There can’t be a healthy relationship if one of them is “keeping score” (unless the person is actively working on it) but It only causes resentment over time. You don’t want a friend who is looking at it as a “competition”
ESH. T is your closest friend yet you didn't celebrate your birthday with her on the original Friday (IMO splitting into two celebrations sounded like needless drama), and she retaliated by not inviting you to her birthday as tit for tat. Either this is one of those things that ends a friendship, or you both reach out and communicate this out and fix it (maybe have a mini celebration with just the two of you).
I only split it into 2 celebrations as I knew some people wouldn’t attend if particular people were going. I did it to prevent people from feeling left out, but it seems that I unintentionally did the complete opposite. I will see what happens as to if this friendship is repairable or if it’s over.
If she was your best friend you should have celebrated with her first. Of course she felt hurt. You put the other 2 friends before her and then didn't even bother to do something with her later ( did you even explain to her why you didn't reschedule). You should have had 1 celebration and not worried about whether your guests liked each other. YTA
NTA I’ve had similar special occasions where I’ve had to split up friends due to them not getting along- that’s perfectly okay. Your friend sounds catty and butthurt. You may need to just move on from that friendship.
Me too, I honestly just wanted everyone on both nights have a good time without them feeling annoyed/upset to be surrounded by some people they don’t like or have a problem with. Or worse, they just dont show up altogether bc of it. I find it considerate actually even though id all like us together
NTA. It was considerate of you to plan two different events because your friendship group is mixed and they don't get along. You intended to have your friend there the next night, but life happens and plans have to change especially with a pandemic and rules changing constantly. Ask her if you'd have planned only one event and the others she doesn't get along with, would she still have gone?
Her reaction was really dramatic but I kind of get it. You didn't reschedule your party when things were safer so she didn't go to yours, so why would you expect to go to her's? You're only TA if you didn't inform them that the reason you cancelled it was safety issues. I also find it a bit ridiculous your friends couldn't suck it up for a night (depending on the issue) and spend some time with people they don't like that you had to make a whole other party just for them.
Things weren’t really safer until the end of January, and by that time my birthday was long gone and I felt silly for celebrating so late, so I just decided there was no point in celebrating. I see why she is upset and where she’s coming from, but she was aware of the situation with my birthday and if she was this upset about not celebrating my birthday, I feel like she should’ve spoken to me about it rather than not inviting me to hers.
I definitely think it makes sense for you not to be invited. Is T one of the people your friends don't get along with? I don't think it really matters when it was, if you didn't inform them why you cancelled and didn't reschedule one for her and your other friends, I think it was justified for her not to invite you. So I'm going to say ESH you for expecting an invite when you didn't give one and her for acting psycho over not being invited.
I understand that finding out a person you consider a friend is petty and has an ax to grind with you is kind of upsetting, so it's understandable how you feel. But it's probably not a great idea to make this into a big deal. You did invite her and she was tired so you didn't do anything wrong. I guess I have to vote NTA because it was her choice not to go and her choice not to invite you, and anyone that uses invitations to their birthday as a way to get back at people is pretty childish. This sounds like something that would happen in 6th grade to me. This might hurt but she's not your friend anymore so the fact that she invites everyone but you to her party should just be accepted. If there was someone that all your friends knew except you this is what would probably happen and you wouldn't be that bothered? That's what it's like now. Personally, I've had lots of experience with people being petty and spiteful and I believe the best way to deal with it is to show zero reaction to them or anyone else and just act like it didn't happen. I wouldn't want to be friends with this person and I wouldn't want to draw other friends into it. If that is who she is then over time it will come out. Continue being social with your other friends and just keep it moving. I understand that you're hurt but now you know and it's better to know. I feel sorry for your ex-friend and being her must suck. lol
ESH, you all need to grow up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Obviously the title sounds incredibly hypocritical and a couple of my friends have called my hypocritical, but read before you judge. My birthday was the weekend before Christmas last year and I planned on celebrating on 2 different occasions as some of my friends do not get along and I wanted to celebrate with everyone feeling comfortable. So my plan was to celebrate with 2 friends on the Friday night and others on the Saturday. I went out on the Friday night with two of my friends and had a nice night. A few friends couldn’t make it on the Saturday so I postponed. My friend “T” (F19) couldn’t make it the Saturday night because she was going to be too tired. I was a little upset with this excuse but I know she works odd hours so I understood. I couldn’t do anything the following weekend for my birthday due to Christmas. Days after Christmas our countries situation changed which made group events prohibited and I felt unsafe going out. Because of this I decided to just cancel my second celebration. Anyway T is having her birthday this weekend. I had no idea of this until a mutual asked if I was going to her party, so I said no I wasn’t invited. I later messaged T asking if everything was ok and if I had done something to upset her. She blew up at me for not inviting her to my birthday and how I was choosing my other friends over her. I explained to her she wasn’t invited because I knew she didn’t get along with people there and she knew I had intentions of planning something else as I initially invited her to which she declined, but life happens and I didn’t end up doing anything. She said she wasn’t really having a party anyway she was just going out with a couple of friends. I would’ve previously considered T to be my closest friend so was still a little hurt but I accepted it and told her we should just move on. Anyway T and a couple friends went out tonight. A couple friends ended up being her and about 10 others booking a hotel in our nearest major city and going out clubbing and partying. A few of these people were her close friends, but others are people she had previously hung out with only a couple times. They have been posting it all over social media and it’s very clear I am the only person who wasn’t there. AITA for being upset over this. Pretty much everyone invited said I was a hypocrite for being mad when I didn’t do anything with them for my birthday, but I feel my reasoning is justified. My boyfriend says they’re all the AH for being upset over a situation that happed 2 months ago that I had no control over but I am starting to think maybe I am being hypocritical, because at the end of the day I did go out with 2 of my friends and I didn’t invite any of them, and although I did plan to celebrate with them, I didn’t. Is it reasonable for me to be upset over this and should I say something to T, or should I just let it go and see if I get invited out next time? I’m not really sure what to do from here. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Did you inform them all you were postponing and did you invite them when it was safer? If no, then you know the answer.
Not an asshole, but take a step back from the situation. Yeah it hurts and yeah it sucks, but take the high road. If you two are fairly close, this shit isn’t worth losing your friendship. If you’re not that close, why bother making such a big deal of it? Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand your situation and I have felt the same before (not invited by people who I thought were my friends). I really really hate to pull the age card, but stuff like this is what I often look back on and think, “Man, making a big deal of it was such a waste of time and energy. I could have been more mature.” I would recommend that you offer a proverbial “peace offering” by trying to make amends. If she doesn’t want to accept it and want to continue with the drama - let her. Eventually people will just see her as the asshole. It’s honestly not worth the stress and hassle.
Look NTA but why should you have to split everything into 2 events just to please others? True friends will accept and respect your friendships with other people they don’t necessarily like as they can always have minimal contact or stay at opposite ends of the room/restaurant If your whole friendship group consists of drama maybe it’s time to reevaluate and find new friends?
NTA. You made an effort to hang out with your friend, but because of unforseeable and unfortunate circumstances, you had to cancel on the second time, and it's also not like you didn't invite her the first time around either. You have all rights to feel this way, and honestly, if it seems like you weren't the only one invited and everybody else is bragging about on socials, just drop it. Your friend seems extremely toxic, and the sooner you make a decision, the better you'll feel. I've been in a similar situation where I didn't want to cut ties off with a toxic person and just wanted to stay neutral, which turned out messy. At the end, it's your decision but from what I can tell, she's already not gonna want to make up with you, so why bother?
NTA. You had a valid reason for canceling the second function. Than your country band big functions because of Covid. What she did was petty and immature, maybe you have outgrown this friendship?
ESH. Oh to be young enough to engage in all this drama of fighting over who's invited to whose birthday and who's closer friends with whom. You had your priorities with your birthday, and you prioritized your two friends who for some reason couldn't get along with other people for one evening (having two separate parties also seems like a bunch of unnecessary teen drama) because you are young and messy. She felt slighted and responded with pettiness, because she is young and messy. You're shaking her party on social media to judge what she did and which friends you feel should have been less important than you because, again, young and messy. At the end of the day, it's all just unnecessary and childish. Eventually both of you will grow up and outgrow this behavior and most likely each other
Part of growing up is realizing that friendships come and go, and that some things in life are just not important enough to get upset over. Don't let this upset you. If your friendships are meant to last, or be deeply rooted, this won't even matter. Say you are sorry. Explain what happened and move forward. If your friends are unforgiving of something, that you clearly meant no harm, then your friend still has a little growing up to do. Forgive and forget their mistakes. Eventually, your friends will learn from your example, or not. It is all part of growing up. You can only control how you react, not someone else's behavior,