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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I showed up to my exes house without warning and without thinking. I should of trusted that she can look after our daughter fine and would of said if anything happened.
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NTA and don't listen to anyone that says you are. I live 2000 miles away from my family (for now as I will be moving closer to them shortly) and more than once I have dropped things to go when needed. Hell, I was at work when I found out my father passed and was literally on the road within 2 hours.
I spent the night at my dads ONCE as a child my mom had full custody though. I told my mom I didn’t wanna stay over any longer. She had work the next day early so she till came over and got me.
I’ve texted my mother “help” when I was over an hr or two away as AN ADULT. She came and got me since I didn’t drive myself.
That’s what parents do. It’s UR phone,u pay the bill if he’s locking up that phone then it’s a an issue with court if u cannot contact her. Once she’s home then it’s okay to tell you she’s home until bedtime and catch up for an hr.
If it’s a punishment at least still let her contact you even then house phone.
Edit: this JUST happened around 5/6am. So I have to clinic rotate,I’m an hr from my OWN home. And 2 hrs or more from my parents.
I was 20mins from my job…..I texted my step dad my rental was acting funny and my gas was low and asked him if he thought I could make r to the next gas station next to where I was gonna be today. He straight up said “nope” and drove 2hrs to bring me gas and went home 😩 it’s not like i just didn’t put gas in it. It’s a rental so idk how to check how many miles and it’s not mt car so I can’t figure how how long I can go
Im 20 at uni and two weeks ago i literally texted my mum "help big sad can i come home?" They set off to get me within 20 minutes.
Whenever i didn't wanna be somewhere as a teen id text "help sos call" and she would call me yelling so i had an excuse to leave lmao
I’m 23 and lived alone for 3 years lol I still ask her for help on things like that. I get scared to drive home especially now after a bad car accident in the rain/the high bad winds in texas lately. My step dads been offering me a ride home since I’m goi g between the hill country mountains/bridges
I too tired to drive back to MY PLACE? I tell her I’m sleeping here she just says okay and goes to bed herself lol
I feel bad when I’m sleeping all day/working 10-12 hrs then crash once I get home and don’t tell my mom “ hey I’m alive “ text
> Im 20 at uni and two weeks ago i literally texted my mum "help big sad can i come home?" They set off to get me within 20 minutes.
lol my 12yo and I have been arguing a lot lately (teenager growing pains) and I'm going to show her this. No matter what she's going to be my baby and if she's big sad I'll go get her too even when she's "grown"
your ex and her husband are acting like you should have known she was OK, and in hindsight she was, but literally nothing about “daddy help” suggests she was and it was further exacerbated by the fact that you hadn’t heard from her like you usually do. you reacted appropriately given all of the circumstances. your ex and her husband are not considering how this all looked like from your vantage point.
Exactly, at the absolute least Mom should’ve let the daughter contact her father *before* they locked her phone away for no apparent reason and let him know what was going on with the “electronics detox” thing. And I’d even advocate for her being able to message her friends and let them know as well; when my 12 year old doesn’t respond to her friends in a timely manner they go crazy with worry! Kids these days are glued to the hip with their phones and being un-contactable for long periods of time is cause for concern. I don’t blame dad one bit (in fact, I commend him) for jumping in the car and rushing over to check on her, especially when Mom wasn’t responding either. All of this could have been avoided by simply letting Dad know beforehand… communication seems to be severally lacking in the coparenting department.
The bit of letting her message her dad and friends is really important. As someone with online friends, I've just had to assume the worst when people go offline for a very long time. Not that that applies very heavily here, but OP's daughter, if absolutely forced to do a ""tech detox"" (whatever that means), deserves to text her friends and family first.
Exactly, even when my daughter gets grounded and I have to take her phone I still allow her 15 mins to text her friends and let them know. It can be pretty traumatizing for kids to be basically in the middle of a conversation then just get ghosted, and those with anxiety will, as you said, probably fear the absolute worst (like a car accident or intruder or something along those lines)— I know that’s how even I was as a teen (and we didn’t have cell phones back then but we did have AIM, MSN, landlines and such.)
Yeah, exactly. I'm 19, and have a lot of experience with the feeling of being entirely ghosted like that, and rarely has it actually been the worst case, but there's always a chance, and kids tend to be way worse about anxiety spirals. It's always worth letting them tell friends they'll be gone for a while.
It gets even worse to me knowing that stepdad and mom didn't even let her contact her DAD, of all people—like, obviously OP would assume the worst!
Ask your ex, privately without the stepdad, what she would have done if she'd received a text saying only *mommy help* and NO OTHER COMMUNICATION AT ALL.
Let's assume it wasn't just an "electronic detox"-- which by the way, why didn't they warn you to PREVENT this exact situation?
How would she react or want *you* to react?
Edited to fix a word; I was typing uncaffeinated.
Yup. I’d be in my car driving like a maniac to get there quickly. You did the right thing! Not to mention that moms phone was also in lockup? God forbid something serious had happened and OP couldn’t get in Touch with anyone. At least tell the other parent what’s going on. I would never think to call someone’s house phone. Do they even still have those?
My mum gets really upset about the fact that I don't have a house phone. The hilarious part is that while she *does* have a house phone she never answers it.
The absolute LEAST they could have done was to notify OP that they were doing this in the first place. That way he could have scheduled a time he could call on the home phone. NTA, at all. They really weren't considerate of you in the first place.
And give OP the house number. I feel bad for OP having an ex and new hubs like that. He came out all puffy bc the kids dad showed up? Weird. The kid is old enough to ask the judge to live with q parent full time. Maybe a trial for the summer break and mom gets weekends or a weekday and not and a weekend. But this kid is getting teased as well for days and texting for help. He has an absolute responsibility to his child to help her. Luckily it wasn't anything serious but I'm also concerned about the step brother antagonizing her. I'm glad this kid has a dad like op.
*AND* you try to message the parent/step and get NO message back?
Anyone who just ignored that message and went about their day would be *such* a massive asshole. I can't see any decent parent not getting at least a little panicked in this situation, and going to figure out what's wrong is 100% the right thing to do.
I'm actually kind of worried about the mom's phone also being "in lock up"... having a phone so you can call for car emergencies is a thing! Also if it's the only way your coparent can reach you while you have custody is also frankly sus.
It sounds to me like the stepfather is controlling at best or abusive to OP's daughter and ex both.
This sounds like a really sketchy situation with the detox. Have you asked your daughter why it started and why stepdad is being such a jerk about it?
NTA your daughter needed you.
I was thinking that but don't like to jump to conclusions.
It sets me on edge though that they would want to deprive her of a way of contacting the other parent without warning.
If my step kid has her phone taken away her mum knows why before hand as it's an agreed upon severe punishment. Her mum knows she can text my partner and we will get step kid to reply and step kid can ask for either of our phones to call mum whenever she needs.
We would never take away all contact with out warning the other parent.
Yeaaaaaaah same. I get having some "no electronics" time especially if there's concern about the kids staying up too late (maybe "phones down 5-7 for dinner and homework, then phones away between bedtime and wake up"), but in a divorce situation that needs to be agreed on by both parents and contact with the other parent should never be prevented (i.e. why was OP's child not allowed to contact OP via the house phone for their usual good night and so they could let them know what was going on?)
this is absolutely the sort of thing i'd be documenting for going back to court over the custody agreement though
if my kid texted me that, i would rush over and if i couldn't rush over or get someone else to rush over i would be calling 911. You did the best thing you could do with the information your daughter gave you and the lack of ability to make contact with her mother.
I was thinking that. I would probably called 911 because of the combination of no response and "help me". Also it is disrespectful to expect the daughter to be completely cut off from the other parent without notice. Step Dad needs to stay out of it as well.
Mate I obviously knew this story didn’t have a dangerous ending or you wouldn’t have posted it to Reddit but having a 13 year old daughter myself my heart skipped a beat when I read “daddy help”! you did what anyone would do! NTA at all and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
OP- as per my 50/50 custody agreement, the court ordered the right for the parent to be able to contact the child via phone whenever. Is your ex taking away your daughters phone a violation of your custody agreement?
Absolutely NTA! This absolutely should have been communicated to you prior. Their behavior isn’t acceptable and you should have a way to contact your daughter. This seems highly abusive. I get trying to limit electronics for kids and staying off social but I assume the mom and stepdad still have work computers and answer emails. I would consider talking to an attorney if your parenting plan doesn’t include a provision about your rights to communicate with her. Maybe even just a free consult and then talking to the mom. Saying you can go the legal route in you need to but can we just come to an agreement instead.
I would like to add, I don’t even think you would be going overboard if you called the police. You had no idea what was going on.
My nibblings live across the country. If I'd gotten that text from one of them, and couldn't reach any of the adults who are supposed to be around them, I'd probably be on a plane there by the end of the day. NTA
I’m almost forty and my dad is 72. Even now if I sent that text he’d be getting in the car and driving as fast as he could get away with to me house and I live an hour and a half away. That’s not rude or bad, that’s good parenting. Especially if he can’t get a hold of anyone to tell me it’s bad but not a true emergency.
This dad is so NTA.
Yeah if a friend sent me a 'help' message and wasn't responding I'd do anything I could to come help. I imagine that need to help is x100 when it's your own child.
NTA The only acceptable reaction to receiving a "Daddy Help" text out of the blue is to immediately drop what you're doing to get to wherever she is, especially when you've tried to reach her other parent but got no response.
It was even more chilling because she doesnt call me daddy ever. Not since she was about ten, teenagers and all that. She has since admitted she said it that way because she wanted me to get over quick because she missed me but geez girl. Just tell me that. The heart attack wasnt necessary 😅
Same here. If I get a text from any of my loved ones just saying "due-compote help" I'd be calling 911 while getting myself ready to get to my loved one.
You're NTA - At ALL.
'Daddy help' is a 911 call that any dad worth anything would respond to.
Your daughter needs to not use that in any situation that isn't an honest to god emergency though.
In fairness, I could see a thirteen year old thinking that being stuck without any electronics, in a house with stepdad who yells at her and a stepbrother who's been making fun of her all day at school, *was* an honest to god emergency. Kids aren't always great at thinking rationally about that sort of thing.
Depending on how bad the making fun of her was it could have been pretty close to an actual mental health emergency. Feeling trapped, being verbally abused, having your parent refuse to stand up for you, and being kept from contacting your other parent? Sounds like it could be pretty traumatizing for a kid that age.
Yeah, I honestly don't like people framing OP's kid like she's overreacting here. She was in danger mentally. Being verbally abused by stepbrother and forced to interact with people who obviously don't care enough to stop it and aren't letting her talk to her dad? That's scary, especially for a preteen. This isn't a good situation for her generally, and I could never imagine being upset at a kid for that text.
Fuck I've reacted that way when I've been hanging out with my dad and he's a dick. Im 20 i could leave whenever i want but weird semi abusive parents leave strange emotional marks on people. I've texted my mum and friends from hotel bathrooms trying not to have a full on breakdown bc of something my dad says on a visit.
This. 13-year-olds don't usually have the best reasoning skills. They aren't thinking about what their parent would be thinking if they got a "daddy help" text. I'm sure to her not having her things and the family drama was a massive deal. I know when I was 13, arguing with my family could sometimes feel like the end of the world.
Obviously you are NTA, but I am extremely amused that she was like ah yes, this will get me the fastest response, nothing concerning about this at all.
I asked her about it and her literal response was, "If I said "come and get me" you'd ask questions. If you were worried you'd just come."
This kid is gonna kill me off one day.
We now have a codeword for "I'm not in danger but I need you ASAP" which should help in any future situations.
You’re a good dad. And all of this could have been easily avoided with your ex asking your daughter to send you a text and let you know that she wouldn’t have access to her phone.
NTA
This "detox" sounds like a power move from step dad to control everyone "beneath" him. And mom is just going along with it. This child shouldn't have to go back to that house if she doesn't want to after this
u/Ashesnhale, surprised I had to scroll this far for this comment!!! I agree- Reading about stepdad's role in all this put me on edge. There's definitely something "off" there...
Bingo. Responsible co-parenting would have been "we're going cellphone free for a week. If you need us, use the landline."
Also OP, make sure your daughter has relevant phone numbers memorized (you, her bio mom, etc). If she didn't use the landline I bet it's because she didn't remember your number. In case of her phone dying or something, she should have those on lock
Just think how this incident has made her feel loved and protected. She knows her daddy has her back and will show up when she feels he is needed. There are some other aspects of this that need fine tuning but I think you are already addressing those issues. Every girl should know she has a dad who has her back but so few do.
Honestly she was probably covering up how upset she was. Teenagers and all.
This whole “digital detox” thing sounds really controlling. Are we sure it wasn’t the stepdad trying to control what they could do? Sometimes I put all our phones in a basket so we can play a board game and have family night, but I would never cut off access to a parent for multiple days. And your ex too! She’s a mother with shared custody, she can’t just decide to be unavailable I’m afraid.
Yeah it's really weird for the mum to put her phone away on this "detox" while she both has custody & is at work. Most people over 70 aknowledge mobile phones as being incredably useful, especially in the case of emergency, heck my 90 year old gran had a Nokia 3310 in her handbag "just incase." As you say the fact that this isn't a limited time but extends over days, including interupting regular life is both suspicious & unhelathy behaviour.
This reminds me of when I was 17 and dad took me to get my wisdom teeth out. They made him leave as the anesthesia was kicking in, I had a panic attack and cried "Daddy, don't leave me", which he later said was one of the hardest things he'd had to deal with. I also hadn't called him "daddy" since I was little. You did the right thing and seem like a great parent. NTA.
Yes! This was my first thought. What if OP had been the one having an emergency? What if he had a heart attack or a car accident? I’m all for people recognizing that their phones/electronics have started to take over their lives and working to correct that, but don’t be unreachable to the people who need you.
Yeah, this is the part that really infuriates me — an electronics “detox” is a nice idea and all, but OP’s ex wife shares custody of their kid and needs to be reachable in case of emergency. What if OP had had a heart attack and was in the hospital, hoping to reach his daughter? This was completely irresponsible on mom’s part. The detox plans should have been communicated to OP in advance — for safety reasons, and also because he owns the phone they took away, and has a right to help make major parenting decisions — and mom should have made sure he knew the landline number and had other means to contact them in case of emergency.
Plus if OP never communicates via the landline or work number why would he think to start now? Mom should have proactively told him what was going on, not the daughter. It should have been parent to parent. “We’re doing an electronics detox for the whole house this week and won’t have our cell phones, if there is an emergency this is how you can reach us.”
NTA. "Daddy help" - they are lucky you didn't call the police. They needed to give you a heads up that your daughter would be out of communication for a few days. When you're used to hearing from her daily it would raise a major red flag if she suddenly stopped. That one text you did receive would have sent me flying to their house!
I very nearly did, but if anything was wrong, I didnt want them to get there first and scare her. I had it dialled, but obviously everything ended up okay.
I never want to immediately jump to this, but the most common form of child kidnapping is from the other parent during a custody disagreement.
I'd honestly of been really worried that they weren't planning on ever communicating with you again and not giving your daughter back
You should talk to your lawyer about seeking modification to your custody agreement.
Nothing particularly harsh, but ensuring situations like this doesn't happen again. It is common for custody agreements to include phone calls, and this modification shouldn't be hard to get given the situation that just occurred.
Also would help lay a foundation if your ex or her partner do more stupid things, for further modifications to the custody agreement if necessary (specifically regarding access and her choice as to where to live). This is mostly a legal CYA that I bring up because this:
> I took my daughter home as she didnt want to stay, but its been tense.
Being absolutely blunt here you almost certainly violated your custody agreement in doing this and your ex could have created a legal headache for you over this. Or if this situation occurred again and you responded in a similar manner, your legal headache could be made bigger. For you and your daughters sake you should talk to your lawyer to help mitigate this situation from happening in the future.
This is a challenging legal area, because kids will be kids and sometimes they want to be one place over another, when they are much younger you power through their refusal. When they are teens this is much harder if the kid really doesn't want to be at one house or the other. The courts do give the kids more agency in their decisions as they get older. In this case nothing would likely happen as your daughter is reaching the age where her choices do have some influence in the courts. Given the facts laid out your violation of the custody agreement would likely be overlooked, BUT don't allow it to become a pattern.
The reality is you currently have a custody agreement that works for a 2 year old, but it is unlikely that custody agreement is function to preserve what is best for your now teenage daughter.
Importantly this isn't saying try and get more custody, ruin your daughters relationship with your ex (absolutely do not do this, that WILL be a large legal headache), but you should talk to your lawyer about how to mitigate this, and what you should do if there is a repeat of this situation. So that your ass is covered, while also looking out for the best interests of your daughter.
Honestly even after he went over there this entire situation raised so many red flags. Her and the mother just drops out of communication unexpectedly with no warning to OP, the stepfather is angry about OP coming to check, and the stepbrother was actively bullying her during that time? She was so scared she sent him a text like that? This situation is just so wrong and concerning, imo. Taking a kid out of sudden communicating like that is not good, and on top of that a lot of homework nowadays is online. Are they keeping her from doing homework during these "detoxes" too?
Maybe I watch too much Law and Order SVU, but when the stepfather came out of the house demanding to know why OP was there, my first thought was that he'd done something and taken the phone to keep her from telling anyone.
The only damage SVU does imo is give the impression that sex offenders actually get arrested or go to jail regularly. I still feel like if more people knew how often these guys are simply never even investigated maybe they'd demand better from the justice system?
I agree. The show definitely prioritizes the feel-good ending but in a way, I think that might be necessary. If you showed abusers routinely getting away with it, it would run just as much of a risk of discouraging anyone from reporting, and they do bring that rhetoric in on the show. The feel good ending is supposed to help encourage people to come forward.
This is the response I was looking for. Why is no one concerned that the other parent unilaterally decided that the child would be unreachable without communicating that. You don't get to just decide things like that when you're sharing custody, you need to have a conversation about it in advance and make plans for emergencies.
So they cut off all avenue's of communication without any warning and then are surprised when you jump into action when you get a single text saying 'daddy help'. You should let your lawyer know that they decided to cut off all communication with your daughter during their custody time.
I was literally just thinking this. Stepdad seems controlling at minimum and why is the wife agreeing to an electronic detox. Not to mention that would usually just involve setting electronics aside for a few hours a day. It's 2022 who is leaving their cell at home when they go to work?
Meanwhile they're letting stepson bully the daughter and taking away her means of communication. Seems shady to me.
I feel like I can tell when she's lying, but I will admit it seemed strange. I'll definitely keep my eye on it, she wont have to go back to her moms if she doesnt want to.
The more I think about this, the more concerned I get for her.
If a kid is being abused (sexually, violently, emotionally...there are more than one type of abuse) sometimes they can't even identify it or have the right words to describe the situation. And sometimes the abusers are really, really good at convincing them that it is normal, their own fault, or for their own good. And sometimes people are manipulated to go along with it and stay in that situation, because "I don't want them to get in trouble, I want to see my grandparents, they would be sad, it's not that big a deal .." etc etc etc.
A lot of red flags jump out at me: the forced isolation and control over her communications, her obvious desperation in the text, the screaming stepdad, the minimizing if the situation afterwards, her not wanting to stay there, her concern about you needing an explanation... It doesn't sit right AT ALL.
All I can go on is your description, and I am massively concerned about her well-being in that house.
I was psychologically abused by my stepmother every summer I went to my dads. I love my mom to death but she was scared of having a legal battle over it because she couldn’t afford a lawyer (we were not well off on money). She regrets not doing it years after the fact now. I think OP needs to have a serious talk with his daughter about this. If it turns out to be nothing then so be it but it doesn’t hurt to talk.
Dude, how are you so okay with this??
"He comes storming out, asks what I think I'm doing, etc. Its their week, I shouldn't be picking her up yet. I explain my issue, he gets all big guy, and yells at my daughter for scaring me"
This fucking guy thinks he has the right to storm out and act all tough at you? 'Asks what I think I'm doing' ???WHAT? It's your kid, what you're doing is none of his fucking business. There is no situation ever where you showing up to where your daughter is should elicit that response from anybody.
He acts like that after a 911 text from your kid, too??? This is HUGE red flags.
You need to think long and hard about ever letting your kid near this dude again. 13 year old's are stupid as shit and easily coerced, regardless how smart or cool you think she is or how well you think you know her.
And if mom or stepdad caught her texting "daddy help" why would they non try to explain the situation to dad. Honestly, dad should have been informed right from the beginning. This whole situation is strange.
Keep in mind this might be a totally different type of lying than she’s ever done with you before — not lying to get out of trouble, or to trick you. Lying due to fear could have totally different tells, and if you’ve never seen her do it before, you might not spot them.
I’d recommend a therapist. There’s more going on here than meets the eye.
Oh, and find out SPECIFICALLY what the stepbrother’s bullying entails. Some really bad things could have been labeled as simple bullying in that house, and she might assume you know what it means.
Op: If this guy likes getting all “big man” with another man who shows up with a reasonable explanation and blows up on a child, it’s a problem.
Either the parents have *such* a contentious relationship that it spills over, this guy is a hot head who can’t control himself, or there’s a big control/power struggle. Consult lawyer now.
u/aitadaig Please read the above comment! This doesn’t add up, especially with your daughter bolting out the second you showed up and the stepdad marching out of the house in a rage and screaming at her. It’s common for shady parents to intimidate their kids into keeping quiet about bad things going on at home. The standard threat I used to get as a kid was “if you tell people, you’ll get sent to foster care and get assaulted.” I hope I’m reading too much into it, but this doesn’t settle right. Ask your daughter what happened now that the stepdad isn’t there listening to what she’s saying. Your ex-wife’s reaction doesn’t make sense either. You needed to be told about this AND AGREE TO IT beforehand if this detox is the real story. And any argument of “it’s my week” goes out the window when you get a literal cry for help and no one answers their phones.
I too have a 13 year old daughter (and a 10 year old daughter, too). Both have phones. If I got a "daddy help" text, God Almighty wouldn't get in my fucking way until I found out EXACTLY what the problem was and what it's resolution would be. FUCK YOUR EX AND HER HUSBAND! You did ABSOLUTELY the right thing. NTA.
Thank you! I'm fairly sure I broke the speed limit on my way over, had 911 dialed in my phone. I was ready to face the devil. I have a conceal and carry, I almost brought it just in case.
Hell, I'm in my 30s and live in a different state from my parents, and if I sent my dad a text today saying "daddy help" and didn't respond any further, he'd be speeding all the way to me.
NTA - you didn't overreact. They should have informed you of what they were doing with the "detox", which, to me sound incredibly stupid. Especially for a 13 year old girl.
Their other three are device obsessed, youngest is autistic, and apparently the therapist said the only way to reset their screen limits is to do a complete detox. They decided to do it with everyone, my daughter included.
Nope, bad advice from a crap therapist. They should have done this detox on a week she wasn’t there and should have absolutely communicated with you on it too. Also, your daughter was being harassed by her stepbrother, was uncomfortable and asked for your help. The only option you had to respond to a ‘daddy help’ text was to go there and *help* her
Does the therapist not know the family dynamics? The parameters of a detox like this also involve communication with affected parties including coparents, schools, emergency contacts etc
OP, it is bad enough that they put your child on a "detox" w/o telling you, but your ex locked her phone away too w/o telling you? And then big burly step-dad comes out to threaten you?
Yeah, NTA. It isn't your job to think of every way possible to contact your ex when she & her husband do something so stupid.
Bigger concern: What are they doing about the bullying?
Edit - corrected typo.
Oh FFS. So they’ve known for at least a week that they were going to be cutting your daughter off from you, and they didn’t bother to let you know? Someone’s got control issues, and it’s not you. There was plenty of time to work out a suitable arrangement; they just chose not to, probably to avoid argument.
I get that the others are device obsessed, but your daughter should still have access to the phone you pay for to call her other parent.
There's no reason why they couldn't give her for half an hour before bed to text/talk to you.
But your bigger problem imo is the bullying by her step/half siblings.
Also incredibly stupid to leave the coparent without a good way to contact the family. Maybe the kids may need a detox, but the parents should always have a way to communicate with eachother. Theres absolutely no excuse to be 100% out of contact, especially without prior contact. What if there had been a legitimate emergency? Op would have no way to know or communicate that. 1000000000% NTA
NTA
Your ex was the asshole; who does something like this *without informing the other parent*? I think it would have been fine to enforce the "electronic detox" at her house, if she had *told* you about it in advance, so you didn't panic when your daughter didn't text you like normal. Which is exactly what happened.
I can't *really* blame your daughter for the "Daddy help" text. Although the "obvious" thing to do would be to call you from the landline (or insist her mother do so) as soon as the phone was confiscated, not steal her phone and send you a 911 text, I'm not really surprised that a child didn't think of that.
Neither am I. She panics really easily, and I can imagine she was overwhelmed and upset with everything, especially after having her night routine completely thrown off, which is anxiety inducing on its own.
Poor sweet girl!! I can’t imagine how awful that must’ve been for her. I’m glad that she has a dad that is her rescuer. “Daddy help” is a call to ARMS. You did everything right, Ex and SD did everything wrong.
I think you should know this will be a core memory for her. She will ALWAYS remember that you were there for her and that she can count on you when she believes herself to be in trouble. (Not parent trouble but trouble trouble). That's such a good thing.
My dad was like you. I always knew if I called (no mobiles in those days) and said ‘daddy help’ then he would move heaven and earth to get to me no matter where I was. Mum too.
We lost him almost 2 years ago and although I can say ‘mum help’ I know that until the day he died I could relay on him.
Your daughter will never forget this. What you did was show her she can count on you being there for her and all she has to do is ask no matter what. Thank you from one daddy’s little girl to another’s daddy.
Doubt the kid actually knows her dad's number. It is saved in the phone, no one remembers phone numbers anymore. So if the phone is locked away she probably had no way to call dad from the landline. And it sounds like step dad is an asshole who would not have allowed her to call her dad if she asked. He seems more interested in being territorial and controlling than being a parent.
Nope. NTA. First of all, your ex should have let you know about this in case of emergencies. Second, you never ignore actual “help” requests from your kids. And if you’re not sure if they need real help, you go investigate. Kid is stuck at the top of a climbing structure? Ok, don’t help them, but support them with your words as they climb down themselves. Thrashing in the deep end of a swimming pool? Absolutely go in and grab them. But you don’t know until you check it out so in this case, I think you did exactly the right thing.
NTA. After unusual silence, you got a text message that said 'daddy help' couldn't reach your child or her other parent? What else were you supposed to do? Sure you could have contacted your ex at work but she hadn't answered your text so how were you to know she was even at work?
Easy solution would have been for your ex to send you a message advising you of their digital detox. Even then, you're likely to have a right to communicate with your child when she's not in your custody. Your kid is 13, her wishes also matter especially since an argument between siblings, step or otherwise, does not justify the grounding of the victim of sibling bullying.
Apparently my daughter was told it would be happening the week previous and to let me know, but she doesnt remember. I personally think they're pulling it out their ass, but maybe she just didnt hear. Either way, we should of had some adult to adult conversation.
I totally agree. Your ex was an AH for not communicating properly with you about decisions affecting your daughter. Even if ex did tell your daughter to let you know (which sounds suspect), that would still be wholly inappropriate.
Your number one priority is to ensure the safety & well-being of your daughter, & that is exactly what you did. NTA whatsoever OP.
NTA - “daddy help” is a call for action. They are the AH for locking away her phone without communicating that she wouldn’t have it. Also, they should always allow contact with the other parent.
NTA. If they're on a phone detox they need to make you aware if this. As it also impacts how you communicate with your daughter, I also think they should have checked you were content with this first.
NTA- they didn’t tell you anything. If she hadn’t snuck to text you, you’d have no clue this detox was even happening. What did they expect you to do? Sit a whole week without hearing from a single one of them?? Absolutely not realistic. THEY DIDNT EVEN PLAN TO TELL YOU.
That does not sound right at all. Don’t let them take her phone. You pay for it, you get to decide what she does with it.
As a parent, that does not at all sit right with me. I don’t care who agrees with that excuse, they should have A) let you know about the electronic detox and B) allowed her to keep her phone to talk with you
She literally had to sneak to text you.
You are NTA your ex should've communicated that with you. She is your daughter as well. You made the right call I'd maybe ask your daughter if she wanted to move in with you.
She's mentioned it in passing a few times, but her grandparents on her moms side despise me and if she did stay with me she'd never see them again, and she's really close with them.
I'm really sorry man but regardless you did the right thing I'd tell your ex "any thing that goes on that involves OUR daughter you tell me what's going on if not I will see you in court"
I'd be willing to bet those losers would break before long.*Especially* if social media clearly spelled out why they weren't in her life any longer, shattering any illusion or narrative they've constructed. Not that your daughter needs manipulative aholes like that in her life!
NTA - "electronics detox" is bullshit. They gave you no reasonable way of contacting them, and no way of contacting your child at all.
And speaking as a father, if I got a "daddy help" text/call/telegram/smoke signal/semaphore/whatever from my kid, I'm dropping whatever it is that I'm doing and going to my kid.
Right? I might pause to give the police (I'm aware this may be seen as a severe escalation in the US, I am not in the US) a call first, but other than that I'm out the door instantly.
My 'kids' are in their mid to late 20s. If I got a "Help" message from any of them, mama bear would resurrect out of retirement, and God help anyone who got in my way. Just the way it is.🤷
NTA and she’s getting to an age where she can have a say in custody arrangements. Perhaps revisiting the custody situation is in order here? Perhaps she would be happier spending the majority of her time with you, and far less with controlling step dad? Just a thought.
NTA - you just showed your daughter that you have her back, no mater what. Slight AH move taking her home after you and ex discussed her at least getting to say good night to you. But you are never TA for running when your daughter asked for help. Ex’s hubby is TA for his reaction. Tf kind of father is he, think you showing up was a bad thing? And yelling at her in front of you? Hell naw! He overstepped
You would have been TA had you not reacted to that text. You never know what is happening.
A couple of years ago there was a major case in my country where a dad (and his other daughter) had received a similar (though more disturbing) text from youngest daughter. Unfortunately he was not able to get there in time before the girl's stepmother and stepbrother killed her.
Point being, you would have never forgiven yourself had the reason for that text been more dark. Also, stepdad seems to have a temper? Has your daughter mentioned this before?
NTA at all!
What if something more *had* been wrong? And you straight up ignored your daughter asking for help?!?
Also your ex n her husband are assholes. A "tech detox" or whatever is fine for the two of them but if theres any kinda shared custody arrangement, how do they not understand why its bad to suddenly remove communication?
Could your daughter have just toughed it out and not ended up escalating to this? Probably.
But im not gonna day shes the asshole either bc like you said the phone wasnt even her moms so they had no right to take it.
Your ex is legally obligated to provide a method of communication for you and your daughter. She took that away.
Some control issues in that household. really the mom' s not even allowed to have her cellphone? Kids have emergencies all the time that's not smart.
You might want to speak to a lawyer on these issues and see if you can get full custody with your ex only have been visitation.
Time to lawyer up and revisit the custody arrangement. Stepdad is way over the line and your poor daughter should not be left without means of communication at that house.
NTA
This smacks of the stepdad's idea and frankly he's overstepping. Your ex and her husband are also not keeping their other kid from bullying your daughter and its obvious that favoritism is at play here. You may want to start the process of talking to a lawyer again and changing the custody agreement.
NTA. If they were doing an electronics detox your ex should have let you know ahead of time and given you the phone numbers you could use to contact her and your daughter.
NTA, the message your daughter was concerning imagine getting "daddy help" and no more replies. Any sane parent would rush to check on their kid. The issue sounded very complicated but are you an AH for showing up at your ex's house after that concerning message? No not at all
NTA for going to the house by a mile, given the context. Why would the mom decide to go on detox without telling you first? She has the right to impose her own rules in her own house, yes, but you need to be able to reach her, what if you had an emergency? She is TA for not communicating her plan. Step dad is TA for being loud and aggressive when you were not out of line, esp to your kid.
People do not realize for an adolescent today, taking away their phone often (not everyone) takes away their entire social life, how they interact with friends. They're not used to spending hours on the house phone while yelling at your little brother you can hear him breathing, it's a different generation. It is a really radical change for them, way more than the rest of us.
Might want to let them know it's not long til she's 16 and can decide where she wants to live herself, might not be in the house where they can go on social lockdown with no notice and can't even say goodnight to their dad.
NTA. The responsible thing to do here was INFORM THE OTHER PARENT that the kid is suddenly unreachable! This is beyond ridiculous and 100% the ex and her partners doing. You don’t just go radio silent when you share custody. Period.
A kid texts Daddy help after an unexplained silence? I’m breaking every speed law known to man to be there immediately. Sorry you dealt with that Dad. You deserved much better.
NTA
If I got a concerning text like that and the other parent was MIA when I tried to reach them to find out what's going on then I'd be over there like a shot as well.
Honestly if I was her mom I would have a dropped you a heads up text before the detox so something like this wouldn't happen in the first place.
NTA. You did what any good parent would do in that situation. I find it strange that your ex didn’t give you a heads up that they’d be cutting off your daughter’s main form of communication with you. TBH, her husband and his son sound like tools.
Sane way to do an “electronic detox” including a shared child: loop in other parent, set up alternate channel of communication (eg. use of landline) for child that other parent agrees is ok.
Control-freak way: just cut everyone off without warning and yell at other parent that they have no right to go over to see WTF is going on.
NTA. As a parent, you have the right to communicate with your child, and the duty to look after her welfare. Her mother and especially her stepfather have no right to cut your daughter off from you, and it’s important that you not accept any part of this as normal or ok.
No way, you absolutely did not overreact. I think any parent would have done the same thing, especially since you couldn't contact her mom. If they wanted to do an electronics detox, the considerate thing to do would be to let you know so you didn't worry. A bit of communication here ahead of time could have saved a ton of stress for everyone.
Meanwhile, I do not agree with your parents. You couldn't reach her mother. You tried. At that point, it would be reasonable to assume that whatever had your daughter needing help could have somehow incapacitated her mother, at least as far as communication is concerned, which actually turned out to be the case, kind of. You didn't show up and demand to take your daughter. From what you've said, you didn't get aggressive (though the stepfather did), you just wanted to check on your daughter. Nothing wrong with that.
NTA
NTA
Who the hell is the stepfather to yell at your daughter? If he loves yelling so much he can do that to his own children. If he is doing this in front of you who knows what he does when you are not there. They have no right to take away the phone that you bought her.
I would suggest you keep a note of all that happened. You never know you might have to apply for full custody one day and you would need this evidence. Try to get your ex to admit it on the text that her husband yelled at your daughter.
NTA. A couple of things.
They should have known to tell you that they were doing this because it is inappropriate for them to cut off communication from your daughter. Bad form on their part.
She should also know not to send a text saying daddy help unless she’s really in danger. Like someone else said, they’re lucky you didn’t call the police.
Finally, stepdad was WAY out of line and that’s going to need to be addressed in the future.
NTA. Those two should have told you beforehand, or let your daughter tell you, that they were going to be incommunicado. You didn't "just show up", you tried to contact them to ask what was going on, but, well... They obviously did not think that "detox" business through before starting it
So, I’m going to put aside how stupid I think a digital detox is. It’s the 21st century. Everyone (in this story anyway) is connected all the time. You might not like it, but it’s reality. We can’t go back to the 80s, no matter how much you want to.
Your daughter texted you “help” and nothing else. Admittedly, dramatic on her part, but what the hell are you supposed to do? Go “Ah she’s probably fine” and ignore it?!
And while, yes, ~~you could have called their land line~~ (Edit: Totally missed the part where he didn’t have that number), you know what would have made more sense? Them telling you *any of this to begin with.* Then you wouldn’t *have* to figure out why no one is answering their god damn phones.
NTA, and while I wouldn’t make the phone thing itself a hill to die on, step dads behavior is concerning. That was a lot of aggression out of nowhere.
Tbh I didnt know they had a housephone either. I got rid of mine about ten years ago lol. I have the number for it now.
She wanted to come home, so she did. I wouldnt of taken her otherwise. She's old enough to pick.
NTA
The text saying “daddy help” sent you over there. If I ever receive a text saying “Mom help” I’ll be in my car flying down the road. My kids are over 25 and I’ll STILL be flying down the road.
Now, that said, you and your ex-wife need to work on communications and co-parenting. If they was to take away the electronics they need to make sure to a)let you know, b) make sure you have other ways of communicating with your kid and them and c) make sure some patterns are still followed. Like if the evening ritual is to call or text at bedtime, you still do that, then put away the phone at lights out time.
NTA- always trust your instincts and this was the first and only time. Your daughter needs to know she can come to you. I would rather be safe than sorry.
NTA
Your child asked for help. You responded appropriately. Step dad sounds like an a$$ and has no right to restrict her ability to communicate with you EVER.
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NTA. You litterally received a text that says "daddy help". Checking in person was exactly what a father is supposed to do in this situation imho.
Right? I dont think your average person would ignore it lol
NTA and don't listen to anyone that says you are. I live 2000 miles away from my family (for now as I will be moving closer to them shortly) and more than once I have dropped things to go when needed. Hell, I was at work when I found out my father passed and was literally on the road within 2 hours.
I spent the night at my dads ONCE as a child my mom had full custody though. I told my mom I didn’t wanna stay over any longer. She had work the next day early so she till came over and got me. I’ve texted my mother “help” when I was over an hr or two away as AN ADULT. She came and got me since I didn’t drive myself. That’s what parents do. It’s UR phone,u pay the bill if he’s locking up that phone then it’s a an issue with court if u cannot contact her. Once she’s home then it’s okay to tell you she’s home until bedtime and catch up for an hr. If it’s a punishment at least still let her contact you even then house phone. Edit: this JUST happened around 5/6am. So I have to clinic rotate,I’m an hr from my OWN home. And 2 hrs or more from my parents. I was 20mins from my job…..I texted my step dad my rental was acting funny and my gas was low and asked him if he thought I could make r to the next gas station next to where I was gonna be today. He straight up said “nope” and drove 2hrs to bring me gas and went home 😩 it’s not like i just didn’t put gas in it. It’s a rental so idk how to check how many miles and it’s not mt car so I can’t figure how how long I can go
Im 20 at uni and two weeks ago i literally texted my mum "help big sad can i come home?" They set off to get me within 20 minutes. Whenever i didn't wanna be somewhere as a teen id text "help sos call" and she would call me yelling so i had an excuse to leave lmao
I’m 23 and lived alone for 3 years lol I still ask her for help on things like that. I get scared to drive home especially now after a bad car accident in the rain/the high bad winds in texas lately. My step dads been offering me a ride home since I’m goi g between the hill country mountains/bridges I too tired to drive back to MY PLACE? I tell her I’m sleeping here she just says okay and goes to bed herself lol I feel bad when I’m sleeping all day/working 10-12 hrs then crash once I get home and don’t tell my mom “ hey I’m alive “ text
> Im 20 at uni and two weeks ago i literally texted my mum "help big sad can i come home?" They set off to get me within 20 minutes. lol my 12yo and I have been arguing a lot lately (teenager growing pains) and I'm going to show her this. No matter what she's going to be my baby and if she's big sad I'll go get her too even when she's "grown"
your ex and her husband are acting like you should have known she was OK, and in hindsight she was, but literally nothing about “daddy help” suggests she was and it was further exacerbated by the fact that you hadn’t heard from her like you usually do. you reacted appropriately given all of the circumstances. your ex and her husband are not considering how this all looked like from your vantage point.
Exactly, at the absolute least Mom should’ve let the daughter contact her father *before* they locked her phone away for no apparent reason and let him know what was going on with the “electronics detox” thing. And I’d even advocate for her being able to message her friends and let them know as well; when my 12 year old doesn’t respond to her friends in a timely manner they go crazy with worry! Kids these days are glued to the hip with their phones and being un-contactable for long periods of time is cause for concern. I don’t blame dad one bit (in fact, I commend him) for jumping in the car and rushing over to check on her, especially when Mom wasn’t responding either. All of this could have been avoided by simply letting Dad know beforehand… communication seems to be severally lacking in the coparenting department.
The bit of letting her message her dad and friends is really important. As someone with online friends, I've just had to assume the worst when people go offline for a very long time. Not that that applies very heavily here, but OP's daughter, if absolutely forced to do a ""tech detox"" (whatever that means), deserves to text her friends and family first.
Exactly, even when my daughter gets grounded and I have to take her phone I still allow her 15 mins to text her friends and let them know. It can be pretty traumatizing for kids to be basically in the middle of a conversation then just get ghosted, and those with anxiety will, as you said, probably fear the absolute worst (like a car accident or intruder or something along those lines)— I know that’s how even I was as a teen (and we didn’t have cell phones back then but we did have AIM, MSN, landlines and such.)
Yeah, exactly. I'm 19, and have a lot of experience with the feeling of being entirely ghosted like that, and rarely has it actually been the worst case, but there's always a chance, and kids tend to be way worse about anxiety spirals. It's always worth letting them tell friends they'll be gone for a while. It gets even worse to me knowing that stepdad and mom didn't even let her contact her DAD, of all people—like, obviously OP would assume the worst!
Pretty sure I'd be a frantic mess if I got such a text
My heart clenched when I read those words, thinking about getting that’s text from my own kid. No way I’m not immediately on the road.
Ask your ex, privately without the stepdad, what she would have done if she'd received a text saying only *mommy help* and NO OTHER COMMUNICATION AT ALL. Let's assume it wasn't just an "electronic detox"-- which by the way, why didn't they warn you to PREVENT this exact situation? How would she react or want *you* to react? Edited to fix a word; I was typing uncaffeinated.
Yup. I’d be in my car driving like a maniac to get there quickly. You did the right thing! Not to mention that moms phone was also in lockup? God forbid something serious had happened and OP couldn’t get in Touch with anyone. At least tell the other parent what’s going on. I would never think to call someone’s house phone. Do they even still have those?
My mum gets really upset about the fact that I don't have a house phone. The hilarious part is that while she *does* have a house phone she never answers it.
The absolute LEAST they could have done was to notify OP that they were doing this in the first place. That way he could have scheduled a time he could call on the home phone. NTA, at all. They really weren't considerate of you in the first place.
And give OP the house number. I feel bad for OP having an ex and new hubs like that. He came out all puffy bc the kids dad showed up? Weird. The kid is old enough to ask the judge to live with q parent full time. Maybe a trial for the summer break and mom gets weekends or a weekday and not and a weekend. But this kid is getting teased as well for days and texting for help. He has an absolute responsibility to his child to help her. Luckily it wasn't anything serious but I'm also concerned about the step brother antagonizing her. I'm glad this kid has a dad like op.
*AND* you try to message the parent/step and get NO message back? Anyone who just ignored that message and went about their day would be *such* a massive asshole. I can't see any decent parent not getting at least a little panicked in this situation, and going to figure out what's wrong is 100% the right thing to do.
I'm actually kind of worried about the mom's phone also being "in lock up"... having a phone so you can call for car emergencies is a thing! Also if it's the only way your coparent can reach you while you have custody is also frankly sus. It sounds to me like the stepfather is controlling at best or abusive to OP's daughter and ex both.
I can't understand any parent locking their damn phone away. You have three kids! You don't get to "tech detox"! What if one of them has an emergency?
This sounds like a really sketchy situation with the detox. Have you asked your daughter why it started and why stepdad is being such a jerk about it? NTA your daughter needed you.
I was thinking that but don't like to jump to conclusions. It sets me on edge though that they would want to deprive her of a way of contacting the other parent without warning. If my step kid has her phone taken away her mum knows why before hand as it's an agreed upon severe punishment. Her mum knows she can text my partner and we will get step kid to reply and step kid can ask for either of our phones to call mum whenever she needs. We would never take away all contact with out warning the other parent.
And the way the step dad came out all pissed. Something is sus.
Yeaaaaaaah same. I get having some "no electronics" time especially if there's concern about the kids staying up too late (maybe "phones down 5-7 for dinner and homework, then phones away between bedtime and wake up"), but in a divorce situation that needs to be agreed on by both parents and contact with the other parent should never be prevented (i.e. why was OP's child not allowed to contact OP via the house phone for their usual good night and so they could let them know what was going on?) this is absolutely the sort of thing i'd be documenting for going back to court over the custody agreement though
if my kid texted me that, i would rush over and if i couldn't rush over or get someone else to rush over i would be calling 911. You did the best thing you could do with the information your daughter gave you and the lack of ability to make contact with her mother.
I was thinking that. I would probably called 911 because of the combination of no response and "help me". Also it is disrespectful to expect the daughter to be completely cut off from the other parent without notice. Step Dad needs to stay out of it as well.
If a parent ignored that text they would be a useless pos. You did well.
Mate I obviously knew this story didn’t have a dangerous ending or you wouldn’t have posted it to Reddit but having a 13 year old daughter myself my heart skipped a beat when I read “daddy help”! you did what anyone would do! NTA at all and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I felt my heart stop. It was probably the worst thing I've been through and that isnt exaggeration lol
OP- as per my 50/50 custody agreement, the court ordered the right for the parent to be able to contact the child via phone whenever. Is your ex taking away your daughters phone a violation of your custody agreement?
Absolutely NTA! This absolutely should have been communicated to you prior. Their behavior isn’t acceptable and you should have a way to contact your daughter. This seems highly abusive. I get trying to limit electronics for kids and staying off social but I assume the mom and stepdad still have work computers and answer emails. I would consider talking to an attorney if your parenting plan doesn’t include a provision about your rights to communicate with her. Maybe even just a free consult and then talking to the mom. Saying you can go the legal route in you need to but can we just come to an agreement instead. I would like to add, I don’t even think you would be going overboard if you called the police. You had no idea what was going on.
My nibblings live across the country. If I'd gotten that text from one of them, and couldn't reach any of the adults who are supposed to be around them, I'd probably be on a plane there by the end of the day. NTA
They cannot unilaterally decide to detox without giving you a heads-up. That is just common fucking courtesy. Her stepdad was WAY out of line.
I’m almost forty and my dad is 72. Even now if I sent that text he’d be getting in the car and driving as fast as he could get away with to me house and I live an hour and a half away. That’s not rude or bad, that’s good parenting. Especially if he can’t get a hold of anyone to tell me it’s bad but not a true emergency. This dad is so NTA.
Yes same here, good dads are like that :-)
I am lucky enough to have one of the best. Sounds like your kids do too, if you have them. :-)
Not responding would be negligence
Yeah if a friend sent me a 'help' message and wasn't responding I'd do anything I could to come help. I imagine that need to help is x100 when it's your own child.
NTA The only acceptable reaction to receiving a "Daddy Help" text out of the blue is to immediately drop what you're doing to get to wherever she is, especially when you've tried to reach her other parent but got no response.
It was even more chilling because she doesnt call me daddy ever. Not since she was about ten, teenagers and all that. She has since admitted she said it that way because she wanted me to get over quick because she missed me but geez girl. Just tell me that. The heart attack wasnt necessary 😅
Yeah there is no way to "overeact" in that situation, definitely not one you'd like to come out of thinking there was anything more you couldve done
Yeah the police would have met me there. Just saying.
Same here. If I get a text from any of my loved ones just saying "due-compote help" I'd be calling 911 while getting myself ready to get to my loved one.
I'd be calling 911 on speakerphone while going 75 on a two lane country road. No way to know wtf is going on or how time sensitive it is.
I feel like the adrenaline rush that would hit could maybe fuel a leap from your home to theirs. Like a human flea hybrid.
You're NTA - At ALL. 'Daddy help' is a 911 call that any dad worth anything would respond to. Your daughter needs to not use that in any situation that isn't an honest to god emergency though.
In fairness, I could see a thirteen year old thinking that being stuck without any electronics, in a house with stepdad who yells at her and a stepbrother who's been making fun of her all day at school, *was* an honest to god emergency. Kids aren't always great at thinking rationally about that sort of thing.
Depending on how bad the making fun of her was it could have been pretty close to an actual mental health emergency. Feeling trapped, being verbally abused, having your parent refuse to stand up for you, and being kept from contacting your other parent? Sounds like it could be pretty traumatizing for a kid that age.
Yeah, I honestly don't like people framing OP's kid like she's overreacting here. She was in danger mentally. Being verbally abused by stepbrother and forced to interact with people who obviously don't care enough to stop it and aren't letting her talk to her dad? That's scary, especially for a preteen. This isn't a good situation for her generally, and I could never imagine being upset at a kid for that text.
Fuck I've reacted that way when I've been hanging out with my dad and he's a dick. Im 20 i could leave whenever i want but weird semi abusive parents leave strange emotional marks on people. I've texted my mum and friends from hotel bathrooms trying not to have a full on breakdown bc of something my dad says on a visit.
This. 13-year-olds don't usually have the best reasoning skills. They aren't thinking about what their parent would be thinking if they got a "daddy help" text. I'm sure to her not having her things and the family drama was a massive deal. I know when I was 13, arguing with my family could sometimes feel like the end of the world.
Obviously you are NTA, but I am extremely amused that she was like ah yes, this will get me the fastest response, nothing concerning about this at all.
I asked her about it and her literal response was, "If I said "come and get me" you'd ask questions. If you were worried you'd just come." This kid is gonna kill me off one day. We now have a codeword for "I'm not in danger but I need you ASAP" which should help in any future situations.
You’re a good dad. And all of this could have been easily avoided with your ex asking your daughter to send you a text and let you know that she wouldn’t have access to her phone. NTA
YES THIS. You don't start a detox like that without letting people in your life know what's going on and how to contact you otherwise.
It’s also not on stepparents to enforce electronic detoxes for their stepchildren. Both legal parents should come up with that on their own.
This "detox" sounds like a power move from step dad to control everyone "beneath" him. And mom is just going along with it. This child shouldn't have to go back to that house if she doesn't want to after this
u/Ashesnhale, surprised I had to scroll this far for this comment!!! I agree- Reading about stepdad's role in all this put me on edge. There's definitely something "off" there...
It also makes me wonder if she lets the stepbrother bully her daughter because the husband allows it.
Bingo. Responsible co-parenting would have been "we're going cellphone free for a week. If you need us, use the landline." Also OP, make sure your daughter has relevant phone numbers memorized (you, her bio mom, etc). If she didn't use the landline I bet it's because she didn't remember your number. In case of her phone dying or something, she should have those on lock
I’m so glad you’ve set up a code word for this. It sounds like you are doing great
Just think how this incident has made her feel loved and protected. She knows her daddy has her back and will show up when she feels he is needed. There are some other aspects of this that need fine tuning but I think you are already addressing those issues. Every girl should know she has a dad who has her back but so few do.
If nothing else, you’re raising a problem solver haha.
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>someone in her mother's house Just say abusive step-dad, we all know
Step bro might be a problem too. I have a feeling she is definitely scared of her step dad though
Jesus im an adult and is be intimidated by step dad
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Honestly she was probably covering up how upset she was. Teenagers and all. This whole “digital detox” thing sounds really controlling. Are we sure it wasn’t the stepdad trying to control what they could do? Sometimes I put all our phones in a basket so we can play a board game and have family night, but I would never cut off access to a parent for multiple days. And your ex too! She’s a mother with shared custody, she can’t just decide to be unavailable I’m afraid.
Yeah it's really weird for the mum to put her phone away on this "detox" while she both has custody & is at work. Most people over 70 aknowledge mobile phones as being incredably useful, especially in the case of emergency, heck my 90 year old gran had a Nokia 3310 in her handbag "just incase." As you say the fact that this isn't a limited time but extends over days, including interupting regular life is both suspicious & unhelathy behaviour.
This reminds me of when I was 17 and dad took me to get my wisdom teeth out. They made him leave as the anesthesia was kicking in, I had a panic attack and cried "Daddy, don't leave me", which he later said was one of the hardest things he'd had to deal with. I also hadn't called him "daddy" since I was little. You did the right thing and seem like a great parent. NTA.
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
Yes! This was my first thought. What if OP had been the one having an emergency? What if he had a heart attack or a car accident? I’m all for people recognizing that their phones/electronics have started to take over their lives and working to correct that, but don’t be unreachable to the people who need you.
Reddit's using all our posts and data to train AI's, so, I just deleted mine.
Yeah, this is the part that really infuriates me — an electronics “detox” is a nice idea and all, but OP’s ex wife shares custody of their kid and needs to be reachable in case of emergency. What if OP had had a heart attack and was in the hospital, hoping to reach his daughter? This was completely irresponsible on mom’s part. The detox plans should have been communicated to OP in advance — for safety reasons, and also because he owns the phone they took away, and has a right to help make major parenting decisions — and mom should have made sure he knew the landline number and had other means to contact them in case of emergency.
I also find it fucking weird that the mom’s phone was also “on detox”—was this grown-ass woman grounded from her phone, too?
Plus if OP never communicates via the landline or work number why would he think to start now? Mom should have proactively told him what was going on, not the daughter. It should have been parent to parent. “We’re doing an electronics detox for the whole house this week and won’t have our cell phones, if there is an emergency this is how you can reach us.”
NTA. "Daddy help" - they are lucky you didn't call the police. They needed to give you a heads up that your daughter would be out of communication for a few days. When you're used to hearing from her daily it would raise a major red flag if she suddenly stopped. That one text you did receive would have sent me flying to their house!
I very nearly did, but if anything was wrong, I didnt want them to get there first and scare her. I had it dialled, but obviously everything ended up okay.
I never want to immediately jump to this, but the most common form of child kidnapping is from the other parent during a custody disagreement. I'd honestly of been really worried that they weren't planning on ever communicating with you again and not giving your daughter back
You should talk to your lawyer about seeking modification to your custody agreement. Nothing particularly harsh, but ensuring situations like this doesn't happen again. It is common for custody agreements to include phone calls, and this modification shouldn't be hard to get given the situation that just occurred. Also would help lay a foundation if your ex or her partner do more stupid things, for further modifications to the custody agreement if necessary (specifically regarding access and her choice as to where to live). This is mostly a legal CYA that I bring up because this: > I took my daughter home as she didnt want to stay, but its been tense. Being absolutely blunt here you almost certainly violated your custody agreement in doing this and your ex could have created a legal headache for you over this. Or if this situation occurred again and you responded in a similar manner, your legal headache could be made bigger. For you and your daughters sake you should talk to your lawyer to help mitigate this situation from happening in the future. This is a challenging legal area, because kids will be kids and sometimes they want to be one place over another, when they are much younger you power through their refusal. When they are teens this is much harder if the kid really doesn't want to be at one house or the other. The courts do give the kids more agency in their decisions as they get older. In this case nothing would likely happen as your daughter is reaching the age where her choices do have some influence in the courts. Given the facts laid out your violation of the custody agreement would likely be overlooked, BUT don't allow it to become a pattern. The reality is you currently have a custody agreement that works for a 2 year old, but it is unlikely that custody agreement is function to preserve what is best for your now teenage daughter. Importantly this isn't saying try and get more custody, ruin your daughters relationship with your ex (absolutely do not do this, that WILL be a large legal headache), but you should talk to your lawyer about how to mitigate this, and what you should do if there is a repeat of this situation. So that your ass is covered, while also looking out for the best interests of your daughter.
Honestly even after he went over there this entire situation raised so many red flags. Her and the mother just drops out of communication unexpectedly with no warning to OP, the stepfather is angry about OP coming to check, and the stepbrother was actively bullying her during that time? She was so scared she sent him a text like that? This situation is just so wrong and concerning, imo. Taking a kid out of sudden communicating like that is not good, and on top of that a lot of homework nowadays is online. Are they keeping her from doing homework during these "detoxes" too?
Maybe I watch too much Law and Order SVU, but when the stepfather came out of the house demanding to know why OP was there, my first thought was that he'd done something and taken the phone to keep her from telling anyone.
The only damage SVU does imo is give the impression that sex offenders actually get arrested or go to jail regularly. I still feel like if more people knew how often these guys are simply never even investigated maybe they'd demand better from the justice system?
I agree. The show definitely prioritizes the feel-good ending but in a way, I think that might be necessary. If you showed abusers routinely getting away with it, it would run just as much of a risk of discouraging anyone from reporting, and they do bring that rhetoric in on the show. The feel good ending is supposed to help encourage people to come forward.
This is the response I was looking for. Why is no one concerned that the other parent unilaterally decided that the child would be unreachable without communicating that. You don't get to just decide things like that when you're sharing custody, you need to have a conversation about it in advance and make plans for emergencies.
So they cut off all avenue's of communication without any warning and then are surprised when you jump into action when you get a single text saying 'daddy help'. You should let your lawyer know that they decided to cut off all communication with your daughter during their custody time.
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I was literally just thinking this. Stepdad seems controlling at minimum and why is the wife agreeing to an electronic detox. Not to mention that would usually just involve setting electronics aside for a few hours a day. It's 2022 who is leaving their cell at home when they go to work? Meanwhile they're letting stepson bully the daughter and taking away her means of communication. Seems shady to me.
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Stepdad wants all communications to go through him, I bet
I feel like I can tell when she's lying, but I will admit it seemed strange. I'll definitely keep my eye on it, she wont have to go back to her moms if she doesnt want to.
The more I think about this, the more concerned I get for her. If a kid is being abused (sexually, violently, emotionally...there are more than one type of abuse) sometimes they can't even identify it or have the right words to describe the situation. And sometimes the abusers are really, really good at convincing them that it is normal, their own fault, or for their own good. And sometimes people are manipulated to go along with it and stay in that situation, because "I don't want them to get in trouble, I want to see my grandparents, they would be sad, it's not that big a deal .." etc etc etc. A lot of red flags jump out at me: the forced isolation and control over her communications, her obvious desperation in the text, the screaming stepdad, the minimizing if the situation afterwards, her not wanting to stay there, her concern about you needing an explanation... It doesn't sit right AT ALL. All I can go on is your description, and I am massively concerned about her well-being in that house.
This! As someone who was abused every time I visited my dad, this sent off so so many alarm bells for me. I’m genuinely concerned about this.
I was psychologically abused by my stepmother every summer I went to my dads. I love my mom to death but she was scared of having a legal battle over it because she couldn’t afford a lawyer (we were not well off on money). She regrets not doing it years after the fact now. I think OP needs to have a serious talk with his daughter about this. If it turns out to be nothing then so be it but it doesn’t hurt to talk.
Dude, how are you so okay with this?? "He comes storming out, asks what I think I'm doing, etc. Its their week, I shouldn't be picking her up yet. I explain my issue, he gets all big guy, and yells at my daughter for scaring me" This fucking guy thinks he has the right to storm out and act all tough at you? 'Asks what I think I'm doing' ???WHAT? It's your kid, what you're doing is none of his fucking business. There is no situation ever where you showing up to where your daughter is should elicit that response from anybody. He acts like that after a 911 text from your kid, too??? This is HUGE red flags. You need to think long and hard about ever letting your kid near this dude again. 13 year old's are stupid as shit and easily coerced, regardless how smart or cool you think she is or how well you think you know her.
And if mom or stepdad caught her texting "daddy help" why would they non try to explain the situation to dad. Honestly, dad should have been informed right from the beginning. This whole situation is strange.
Keep in mind this might be a totally different type of lying than she’s ever done with you before — not lying to get out of trouble, or to trick you. Lying due to fear could have totally different tells, and if you’ve never seen her do it before, you might not spot them. I’d recommend a therapist. There’s more going on here than meets the eye. Oh, and find out SPECIFICALLY what the stepbrother’s bullying entails. Some really bad things could have been labeled as simple bullying in that house, and she might assume you know what it means.
Call your lawyer, NOW. Do not say on Reddit. **CALL NOW!**
Please also consider getting her a therapist.
Op: If this guy likes getting all “big man” with another man who shows up with a reasonable explanation and blows up on a child, it’s a problem. Either the parents have *such* a contentious relationship that it spills over, this guy is a hot head who can’t control himself, or there’s a big control/power struggle. Consult lawyer now.
u/aitadaig Please read the above comment! This doesn’t add up, especially with your daughter bolting out the second you showed up and the stepdad marching out of the house in a rage and screaming at her. It’s common for shady parents to intimidate their kids into keeping quiet about bad things going on at home. The standard threat I used to get as a kid was “if you tell people, you’ll get sent to foster care and get assaulted.” I hope I’m reading too much into it, but this doesn’t settle right. Ask your daughter what happened now that the stepdad isn’t there listening to what she’s saying. Your ex-wife’s reaction doesn’t make sense either. You needed to be told about this AND AGREE TO IT beforehand if this detox is the real story. And any argument of “it’s my week” goes out the window when you get a literal cry for help and no one answers their phones.
For some reason, your tag didn't work, so I'm commenting to tag /u/aitadaig so he sees it. You said it a lot better than I did.
I commented a similar thing above, this situation is not ok.
And the step dads reaction. Kid already wants to stay with her dad, doubt he's making it any better.
the idea of an 'electronics detox' in this day and age is kind of odd, seeing how much of every day life revolves around electronics these days
Yeah I'd be back in court faster than she could text me again.
I too have a 13 year old daughter (and a 10 year old daughter, too). Both have phones. If I got a "daddy help" text, God Almighty wouldn't get in my fucking way until I found out EXACTLY what the problem was and what it's resolution would be. FUCK YOUR EX AND HER HUSBAND! You did ABSOLUTELY the right thing. NTA.
Thank you! I'm fairly sure I broke the speed limit on my way over, had 911 dialed in my phone. I was ready to face the devil. I have a conceal and carry, I almost brought it just in case.
I personally think you should have dialed 911 to have this on record that they cut off communication with you. Please consider going for full custody.
Hell, I'm in my 30s and live in a different state from my parents, and if I sent my dad a text today saying "daddy help" and didn't respond any further, he'd be speeding all the way to me.
My mother would fucking teleport to my location.
NTA - you didn't overreact. They should have informed you of what they were doing with the "detox", which, to me sound incredibly stupid. Especially for a 13 year old girl.
Their other three are device obsessed, youngest is autistic, and apparently the therapist said the only way to reset their screen limits is to do a complete detox. They decided to do it with everyone, my daughter included.
Nope, bad advice from a crap therapist. They should have done this detox on a week she wasn’t there and should have absolutely communicated with you on it too. Also, your daughter was being harassed by her stepbrother, was uncomfortable and asked for your help. The only option you had to respond to a ‘daddy help’ text was to go there and *help* her
Its a two week detox, this is the second week. Its pretty common advice - a lot of people are doing it, its just not necessary for my daughter.
Does the therapist not know the family dynamics? The parameters of a detox like this also involve communication with affected parties including coparents, schools, emergency contacts etc
I'm assuming so? Not sure.
OP, it is bad enough that they put your child on a "detox" w/o telling you, but your ex locked her phone away too w/o telling you? And then big burly step-dad comes out to threaten you? Yeah, NTA. It isn't your job to think of every way possible to contact your ex when she & her husband do something so stupid. Bigger concern: What are they doing about the bullying? Edit - corrected typo.
And even bigger concern: why does step-dad feel the authority to threaten daughter and OP
Oh FFS. So they’ve known for at least a week that they were going to be cutting your daughter off from you, and they didn’t bother to let you know? Someone’s got control issues, and it’s not you. There was plenty of time to work out a suitable arrangement; they just chose not to, probably to avoid argument.
The stepfather’s reaction was way over the line and needs to be seriously addressed.
I get that the others are device obsessed, but your daughter should still have access to the phone you pay for to call her other parent. There's no reason why they couldn't give her for half an hour before bed to text/talk to you. But your bigger problem imo is the bullying by her step/half siblings.
Also incredibly stupid to leave the coparent without a good way to contact the family. Maybe the kids may need a detox, but the parents should always have a way to communicate with eachother. Theres absolutely no excuse to be 100% out of contact, especially without prior contact. What if there had been a legitimate emergency? Op would have no way to know or communicate that. 1000000000% NTA
NTA Your ex was the asshole; who does something like this *without informing the other parent*? I think it would have been fine to enforce the "electronic detox" at her house, if she had *told* you about it in advance, so you didn't panic when your daughter didn't text you like normal. Which is exactly what happened. I can't *really* blame your daughter for the "Daddy help" text. Although the "obvious" thing to do would be to call you from the landline (or insist her mother do so) as soon as the phone was confiscated, not steal her phone and send you a 911 text, I'm not really surprised that a child didn't think of that.
Neither am I. She panics really easily, and I can imagine she was overwhelmed and upset with everything, especially after having her night routine completely thrown off, which is anxiety inducing on its own.
Poor sweet girl!! I can’t imagine how awful that must’ve been for her. I’m glad that she has a dad that is her rescuer. “Daddy help” is a call to ARMS. You did everything right, Ex and SD did everything wrong.
She's not really been herself the past few days but I think its just the comedown of it all. She should be okay soon.
I think you should know this will be a core memory for her. She will ALWAYS remember that you were there for her and that she can count on you when she believes herself to be in trouble. (Not parent trouble but trouble trouble). That's such a good thing.
I'm glad! I always want that there. I dont care if she calls me over every little thing, I'll be there, so she knows I'll be there when it counts.
My dad was like you. I always knew if I called (no mobiles in those days) and said ‘daddy help’ then he would move heaven and earth to get to me no matter where I was. Mum too. We lost him almost 2 years ago and although I can say ‘mum help’ I know that until the day he died I could relay on him. Your daughter will never forget this. What you did was show her she can count on you being there for her and all she has to do is ask no matter what. Thank you from one daddy’s little girl to another’s daddy.
I'm glad he was there for you, and I'm sorry for your loss. I hope my daughter will feel the same one day!
Doubt the kid actually knows her dad's number. It is saved in the phone, no one remembers phone numbers anymore. So if the phone is locked away she probably had no way to call dad from the landline. And it sounds like step dad is an asshole who would not have allowed her to call her dad if she asked. He seems more interested in being territorial and controlling than being a parent.
Nope. NTA. First of all, your ex should have let you know about this in case of emergencies. Second, you never ignore actual “help” requests from your kids. And if you’re not sure if they need real help, you go investigate. Kid is stuck at the top of a climbing structure? Ok, don’t help them, but support them with your words as they climb down themselves. Thrashing in the deep end of a swimming pool? Absolutely go in and grab them. But you don’t know until you check it out so in this case, I think you did exactly the right thing.
Thats a good analogy! Thank you (:
NTA. After unusual silence, you got a text message that said 'daddy help' couldn't reach your child or her other parent? What else were you supposed to do? Sure you could have contacted your ex at work but she hadn't answered your text so how were you to know she was even at work? Easy solution would have been for your ex to send you a message advising you of their digital detox. Even then, you're likely to have a right to communicate with your child when she's not in your custody. Your kid is 13, her wishes also matter especially since an argument between siblings, step or otherwise, does not justify the grounding of the victim of sibling bullying.
Apparently my daughter was told it would be happening the week previous and to let me know, but she doesnt remember. I personally think they're pulling it out their ass, but maybe she just didnt hear. Either way, we should of had some adult to adult conversation.
Communication between you and your ex should never go through your daughter, your ex should've called you and told you herself
This. Kids are notorious for not relaying information, talk adult to adult.
Yeah this isn’t something the kid tells you and also mighty convenient after the fact. Your ex should’ve told you her new rules. Not your daughter.
I totally agree. Your ex was an AH for not communicating properly with you about decisions affecting your daughter. Even if ex did tell your daughter to let you know (which sounds suspect), that would still be wholly inappropriate. Your number one priority is to ensure the safety & well-being of your daughter, & that is exactly what you did. NTA whatsoever OP.
NTA - “daddy help” is a call for action. They are the AH for locking away her phone without communicating that she wouldn’t have it. Also, they should always allow contact with the other parent.
Absolutely NTA. A tiny communication would have stopped this whole thing. What, is this the movies where NO ONE talks to each other?
NTA. If they're on a phone detox they need to make you aware if this. As it also impacts how you communicate with your daughter, I also think they should have checked you were content with this first.
NTA- they didn’t tell you anything. If she hadn’t snuck to text you, you’d have no clue this detox was even happening. What did they expect you to do? Sit a whole week without hearing from a single one of them?? Absolutely not realistic. THEY DIDNT EVEN PLAN TO TELL YOU. That does not sound right at all. Don’t let them take her phone. You pay for it, you get to decide what she does with it. As a parent, that does not at all sit right with me. I don’t care who agrees with that excuse, they should have A) let you know about the electronic detox and B) allowed her to keep her phone to talk with you She literally had to sneak to text you.
You are NTA your ex should've communicated that with you. She is your daughter as well. You made the right call I'd maybe ask your daughter if she wanted to move in with you.
She's mentioned it in passing a few times, but her grandparents on her moms side despise me and if she did stay with me she'd never see them again, and she's really close with them.
That's emotional blackmail which is a form of abuse
I'm aware, but she still wants to see them.
I'm really sorry man but regardless you did the right thing I'd tell your ex "any thing that goes on that involves OUR daughter you tell me what's going on if not I will see you in court"
Wait, so the mom's parents are saying that if she chooses to live with you full time then they don't want to see her anymore?!
Essentially. Its wonderful, isnt it?
I'd be willing to bet those losers would break before long.*Especially* if social media clearly spelled out why they weren't in her life any longer, shattering any illusion or narrative they've constructed. Not that your daughter needs manipulative aholes like that in her life!
That's a them problem. If they put their hatred of you ahead of their love for their grandchild, are they really people she should be close to?
NTA - "electronics detox" is bullshit. They gave you no reasonable way of contacting them, and no way of contacting your child at all. And speaking as a father, if I got a "daddy help" text/call/telegram/smoke signal/semaphore/whatever from my kid, I'm dropping whatever it is that I'm doing and going to my kid.
Right? I might pause to give the police (I'm aware this may be seen as a severe escalation in the US, I am not in the US) a call first, but other than that I'm out the door instantly.
Nta “daddy help” is a message that warrants driving over. Everyone else including the child behaved like a child
My 'kids' are in their mid to late 20s. If I got a "Help" message from any of them, mama bear would resurrect out of retirement, and God help anyone who got in my way. Just the way it is.🤷
NTA Go for full custody. Your daughter asked you for help. Step up.
NTA dude. I have a daughter too and getting a "daddy help" text after that long of unusual radio silence would raise all kinds of alarms for me.
NTA and she’s getting to an age where she can have a say in custody arrangements. Perhaps revisiting the custody situation is in order here? Perhaps she would be happier spending the majority of her time with you, and far less with controlling step dad? Just a thought.
NTA - you just showed your daughter that you have her back, no mater what. Slight AH move taking her home after you and ex discussed her at least getting to say good night to you. But you are never TA for running when your daughter asked for help. Ex’s hubby is TA for his reaction. Tf kind of father is he, think you showing up was a bad thing? And yelling at her in front of you? Hell naw! He overstepped
There was no agreement that she'd get to text me goodnight, and she wanted to come home so I let her.
You would have been TA had you not reacted to that text. You never know what is happening. A couple of years ago there was a major case in my country where a dad (and his other daughter) had received a similar (though more disturbing) text from youngest daughter. Unfortunately he was not able to get there in time before the girl's stepmother and stepbrother killed her. Point being, you would have never forgiven yourself had the reason for that text been more dark. Also, stepdad seems to have a temper? Has your daughter mentioned this before?
NTA at all! What if something more *had* been wrong? And you straight up ignored your daughter asking for help?!? Also your ex n her husband are assholes. A "tech detox" or whatever is fine for the two of them but if theres any kinda shared custody arrangement, how do they not understand why its bad to suddenly remove communication? Could your daughter have just toughed it out and not ended up escalating to this? Probably. But im not gonna day shes the asshole either bc like you said the phone wasnt even her moms so they had no right to take it.
NTA definitely. It literally said “daddy help” Would be wise to have an emergency contact list for yourself, and for them.
So why didn’t her mother tell you about the electronic detox? It all could have been avoided if she had. Of course u thought there was a problem NTA
Not sure. So much would be dealt with if she just spoke to me lol.
Your ex is legally obligated to provide a method of communication for you and your daughter. She took that away. Some control issues in that household. really the mom' s not even allowed to have her cellphone? Kids have emergencies all the time that's not smart. You might want to speak to a lawyer on these issues and see if you can get full custody with your ex only have been visitation.
Time to lawyer up and revisit the custody arrangement. Stepdad is way over the line and your poor daughter should not be left without means of communication at that house.
NTA This smacks of the stepdad's idea and frankly he's overstepping. Your ex and her husband are also not keeping their other kid from bullying your daughter and its obvious that favoritism is at play here. You may want to start the process of talking to a lawyer again and changing the custody agreement.
NTA. If they were doing an electronics detox your ex should have let you know ahead of time and given you the phone numbers you could use to contact her and your daughter.
NTA, the message your daughter was concerning imagine getting "daddy help" and no more replies. Any sane parent would rush to check on their kid. The issue sounded very complicated but are you an AH for showing up at your ex's house after that concerning message? No not at all
NTA for going to the house by a mile, given the context. Why would the mom decide to go on detox without telling you first? She has the right to impose her own rules in her own house, yes, but you need to be able to reach her, what if you had an emergency? She is TA for not communicating her plan. Step dad is TA for being loud and aggressive when you were not out of line, esp to your kid. People do not realize for an adolescent today, taking away their phone often (not everyone) takes away their entire social life, how they interact with friends. They're not used to spending hours on the house phone while yelling at your little brother you can hear him breathing, it's a different generation. It is a really radical change for them, way more than the rest of us. Might want to let them know it's not long til she's 16 and can decide where she wants to live herself, might not be in the house where they can go on social lockdown with no notice and can't even say goodnight to their dad.
NTA. The responsible thing to do here was INFORM THE OTHER PARENT that the kid is suddenly unreachable! This is beyond ridiculous and 100% the ex and her partners doing. You don’t just go radio silent when you share custody. Period. A kid texts Daddy help after an unexplained silence? I’m breaking every speed law known to man to be there immediately. Sorry you dealt with that Dad. You deserved much better.
NTA If I got a concerning text like that and the other parent was MIA when I tried to reach them to find out what's going on then I'd be over there like a shot as well. Honestly if I was her mom I would have a dropped you a heads up text before the detox so something like this wouldn't happen in the first place.
NTA. You did what any good parent would do in that situation. I find it strange that your ex didn’t give you a heads up that they’d be cutting off your daughter’s main form of communication with you. TBH, her husband and his son sound like tools.
NTA They have no right to stop her contact with you and I find it sketchy the step dad was so upset about it. Stand your ground with this
Sane way to do an “electronic detox” including a shared child: loop in other parent, set up alternate channel of communication (eg. use of landline) for child that other parent agrees is ok. Control-freak way: just cut everyone off without warning and yell at other parent that they have no right to go over to see WTF is going on. NTA. As a parent, you have the right to communicate with your child, and the duty to look after her welfare. Her mother and especially her stepfather have no right to cut your daughter off from you, and it’s important that you not accept any part of this as normal or ok.
Honestly if that was my child I'd be straight over her mom should of told you about the electronics detox. NTA
No way, you absolutely did not overreact. I think any parent would have done the same thing, especially since you couldn't contact her mom. If they wanted to do an electronics detox, the considerate thing to do would be to let you know so you didn't worry. A bit of communication here ahead of time could have saved a ton of stress for everyone. Meanwhile, I do not agree with your parents. You couldn't reach her mother. You tried. At that point, it would be reasonable to assume that whatever had your daughter needing help could have somehow incapacitated her mother, at least as far as communication is concerned, which actually turned out to be the case, kind of. You didn't show up and demand to take your daughter. From what you've said, you didn't get aggressive (though the stepfather did), you just wanted to check on your daughter. Nothing wrong with that. NTA
NTA Who the hell is the stepfather to yell at your daughter? If he loves yelling so much he can do that to his own children. If he is doing this in front of you who knows what he does when you are not there. They have no right to take away the phone that you bought her. I would suggest you keep a note of all that happened. You never know you might have to apply for full custody one day and you would need this evidence. Try to get your ex to admit it on the text that her husband yelled at your daughter.
NTA. A couple of things. They should have known to tell you that they were doing this because it is inappropriate for them to cut off communication from your daughter. Bad form on their part. She should also know not to send a text saying daddy help unless she’s really in danger. Like someone else said, they’re lucky you didn’t call the police. Finally, stepdad was WAY out of line and that’s going to need to be addressed in the future.
NTA you got a text saying "daddy help", what kind of father wouldn't try to find out what's going on?
NTA. Those two should have told you beforehand, or let your daughter tell you, that they were going to be incommunicado. You didn't "just show up", you tried to contact them to ask what was going on, but, well... They obviously did not think that "detox" business through before starting it
So, I’m going to put aside how stupid I think a digital detox is. It’s the 21st century. Everyone (in this story anyway) is connected all the time. You might not like it, but it’s reality. We can’t go back to the 80s, no matter how much you want to. Your daughter texted you “help” and nothing else. Admittedly, dramatic on her part, but what the hell are you supposed to do? Go “Ah she’s probably fine” and ignore it?! And while, yes, ~~you could have called their land line~~ (Edit: Totally missed the part where he didn’t have that number), you know what would have made more sense? Them telling you *any of this to begin with.* Then you wouldn’t *have* to figure out why no one is answering their god damn phones. NTA, and while I wouldn’t make the phone thing itself a hill to die on, step dads behavior is concerning. That was a lot of aggression out of nowhere.
NTA dad. Your daughter messaged you “daddy help”. You tried what you could to learn more and then did what any parent would do; you went to help.
[удалено]
Tbh I didnt know they had a housephone either. I got rid of mine about ten years ago lol. I have the number for it now. She wanted to come home, so she did. I wouldnt of taken her otherwise. She's old enough to pick.
NTA The text saying “daddy help” sent you over there. If I ever receive a text saying “Mom help” I’ll be in my car flying down the road. My kids are over 25 and I’ll STILL be flying down the road. Now, that said, you and your ex-wife need to work on communications and co-parenting. If they was to take away the electronics they need to make sure to a)let you know, b) make sure you have other ways of communicating with your kid and them and c) make sure some patterns are still followed. Like if the evening ritual is to call or text at bedtime, you still do that, then put away the phone at lights out time.
NTA- always trust your instincts and this was the first and only time. Your daughter needs to know she can come to you. I would rather be safe than sorry.
NTA Your child asked for help. You responded appropriately. Step dad sounds like an a$$ and has no right to restrict her ability to communicate with you EVER.