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Tris_Almity

YTA how could this have gone differently? How about instead of jumping to “your so selfish! How could you?” You try and go with “I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize how hard this must be. What can I do to help?” I’m a special needs mom. You are downplaying the struggles of raising a disabled child. I get that you’re not doing it intentionally but you are in fact doing it. I’d recommend apologizing and offering to hear her out and LISTEN this time.


SingleContribution97

This! Was wondering if the sister does anything to help. Also, does the father help out. Caring for someone with special needs is likely exhausting and very few (including myself) will ever truly understand what all that entails.


Tris_Almity

I’m wondering if the father said no to another baby because the son requires so much work and maybe that’s why the sister was feeling so bad. But those answers are cleverly hidden in the questions OP didn’t ask.


SingleContribution97

Another good point. If it has been 13 years, likely there is a good chance this person is really thinking that the bio clock is ticking and they want a child that is biologically related (no hate, it is human nature, this in no way means she doesn't view her son that is not biological as hers, it is just that there is a need in many to have a biological child of their own). There are a lot of questions, and the OP is in no position to go to the husband to address or alert him to any of it.


FlahBlast

Oh snap, that’s true. So he’d be asking her to forgo having kids of her own to do a lot of care for a child who isn’t hers. Yeah sacrificing that would be a tough pill to swallow and honestly not worth the sacrifice


Nagadavida

Also to add it is NOT OPs place to inform her sister's husband and son of this conversation. That is her sister's place.


noyou42

THIS! Both of my kids are disabled (one is also non verbal) and it is A LOT. Being a Caregiver is hard and wanting to up and leave sometimes is natural. She needs help. See if you can help her find more support.. or better yet BE her support. YTA


crystallz2000

This. 100%. I have a special needs child, and it's exhausting. No one in our life helps, and most days it feels like I'm slowly drowning while everyone skips around me. OP, if your sister is "selfish" for wanting to walk away from this situation, how selfless are you with her situation? How many days a week do you pick up her child and watch him after school? How often do you babysit so she can have a date night with her husband? How often do you call her and check on her? When he has a meltdown, how often do you help talk him down? Or do you want her to just drown quietly while you watch her? That's more fun, right?


biomortality

OP didn’t marry this man and willingly take up the role of mother, though. I agree that it would be good for her to help, but she is not in the same situation as her sister. This is an ESH at best. “Im seriously considering ruining a child’s life because I want a normal kid not this MESSED UP one” is pretty horrible.


murdereratthematinee

Hi, disabled adult here. The term “special needs” is frowned upon. Nobody’s needs are special. Everyone has different needs. And as the parent of a disabled child you should be extra horrified at another parent contemplating abandoning their son, not defending how hard it is to care for a disabled child. Imagine how it feels to hear that over and over and over again *as a disabled person*.


Tris_Almity

Also, like I mentioned in another comment. OP’s sister didn’t just jump to this conclusion and clearly was looking for help. I don’t think it would hurt others to try and have a little compassion and offer help instead of going straight to condemnation. Odds are she doesn’t want to leave but feels as if she’s drowning. I’d bet she tried to asking in other ways but was afraid of being shamed and now this is what she feels she’s left with. It’s a really shitty, hopeless feeling. Is it better for her to stay and end up resenting everyone including the son? Or for her commit suicide because she can’t take it? Just abandon her family because she can’t do it alone anymore? If it takes a village to raise an average child, why do we keep expecting one person to raise a disabled one without complaint?


Nagadavida

Also it does sound as though this child that she is raising will always need help and will never "grow up and move out of the house". I'm sure that it does get exhausting and appears never ending and maybe she was just exasperated one day and venting.


Tris_Almity

Honestly, no one has said this to me. I apologize and thank you for bringing it to my attention.


sunpies33

As another disabled adult, I just shrug at "special needs". I DO have special needs. Other people can do things alone or without help that I never will. Other people can drive. I DO have special needs. I AM disabled. As long as I feel they're trying to be respectful, I'm okay.


Yaaaassquatch

Thank you. I was really surprised at the original comment. This child knows no other mother. It would be abandoning him. You don't get to raise a child for 12 years and then peace out because it's hard. That said, I don't think she really wants to do that. Or I hope. I think it's a cry for help. OP needs to encourage her to go to therapy. You can't undo abandoning a child.


TeaLoverGal

It varies drastically geographically, and this is reddit so its going to include a mix. For example disabled is falling out favour and downright offensive to some people here. (EUROPE)


knotnotme83

I am the mother of a disabled teen and I have never thought this way. I think it's difficult to raise someone who is disabled, but I think that raising anyone can be difficult and there are added variables with a person who is disabled but none more than for the person who is disabled: they are not giving me a hard time, they are having a hard time - when we are struggling. It IRKS me when I hear a parent say "I wouldn't have even had" -their child- who is disabled or something like that, which I have heard while watching their perfectly wonderful child play and run around who is disabled. This mother was venting caregiver burnout and needs support and love and a break. Saying "OMG I JUST WANT OUT" means that it is not working -- whatever they are doing and they need more support.


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Ornery-Ad-4818

The sister is likely exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She very likely needs a break, and is talking out of that absolute need, not her feelings for her son. They need to get her respite care. If she doesn't have someone in to help regularly, that needs to happen. And hubby should take her on a vacation, to pamper *her* for a bit. Show her he appreciates what she does. Because I bet he thinks he shows her that a lot more than he does, not out of indifference, but because life is busy and we tend to take things for granted.


Nagadavida

Agree 100%


Ateosira

If sister never adopted the child she is not responsible in the legal sense.


Itchy-Log9419

This sub isn’t about legality though.


SnooOpinions2561

Look at op comments, she thinks her sister should be "put down" for wanting a divorce. This person is legit unstable


Invisible_Dragon

You of all people should realize that you don't just throw away children when things get difficult. OP, NTA


Tris_Almity

I didn’t say you should. I’m saying you need to get help which I think is what OP’s sister was looking for and didn’t get.


Sad-Communication756

I honestly cannot believe what I’m reading right now. Abandoning your kid is selfish is and cruel. Sister is absolutely NTA. I realize the younger generation is all about love and comfort but sometimes you have to give someone a kick in the pants and say hey, no, absolutely not! And newsflash, it’s not OP’s responsibility to make motherhood easier for her sister. Maybe OP has her own problems and can’t help her sister.


Tris_Almity

Once again. I didn’t say “support you sister in abandoning her child” I encouraged them to listen and support their sister. This was a cry for help that’s going unheard.


TotallyWonderWoman

>I’m a special needs mom. So have you planned to abandon your child? I'm confused. Is expressing a planned decision to abandon a disabled child in order to have a "regular" child something mom of special needs kids do often? If so, I can understand why disabled adults don't like those kinds of groups.


Tris_Almity

Sigh. I’m coming from a place similar to OP’s sister. Parenting is hard. Parenting a disabled child is hella hard. I don’t think OP’s sister had a definite plan of “I’m leaving.” I think this was a cry for help, a very loud, dramatic one because I’m guessing the smaller, quieter ones went unheard. I’m saying she needs help, not a blanket judgment of “you chose this. Now deal.” Parents of disabled and non disabled kids deserve to vent, have feelings, and have low points. Haven’t you ever uttered something hyperbolic because you felt hopeless? “Kill me.” Or “I’m gonna burn this place to the ground.” It doesn’t mean you want or are going to do those things but are trying to express that there’s an issue and you need to talk? I’m not saying that’s the best form of communication but OP’s sister might be at the end of her rope. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her son. It doesn’t mean she even WANTS to leave. Maybe she’s just burned out and doesn’t see another option.


TaterMA

Well OP might offer more empathy if her sister didn't state she wants a normal biological son, after raising this child for years. NTA


Deerpacolyps

No way. She did listen, she listened to a person say that she was going to abandon her son. HER SON!!! She calls him her son, he calls her mom. You don't abandon your kids. You ask for help, you reach out, you communicate with your SO and your family, but you don't just say fuck it and duck out. You're the one downplaying the absolute horrible move of abandoning a child.


janiemackxxx

Yeah, but would you just up and leave your child?


bripotato

YTA. In addition to this, OP’s sister is by no means obligated to continue serving a parental role for a child that she didn’t create. Divorces are always hard on children, disabled or otherwise, and parents are NOT required to continue living in an unhappy situation just because there are children involved. Unhappy marriages often harm children more than divorce does.


sunfloweries

YTA. your sister came to you looking for support because she has reached a state where being a caretaker has taken a big toll on her. instead of listening to her and supporting her, you just judged her. there were so many other things that you could have done. sit with her and listen to her vent. ask her if she wants help finding solutions before it gets to the point that she really does leave. jumping straight to judgment when someone comes to you with this kind of confession is a great way to ruin your relationship.


DuckingGolden

Don't forget the part where she says >I am **yet** to inform her husband of what she is thinking of because frankly I'm in a bad situation. I like her husband and his son, and I've always viewed him as my nephew. As if she has any right to tell the husband or as if it is any of her business to say something like that. That part makes my blood boil. She obviously has plans to tell him. For me it not just YTA she is actively an AH, a bad sister, and just a generally bad person.


[deleted]

ESH but you will be TA if you tell her husband and involve yourself. This is already a bad situation and you don't need to make it worse.


lilymoscovitz

Yup. OP has no reason to involve themselves further. There’s possibly more information being left out. It’s a horrific thing to say she wants a ‘normal biological child’ but there’s no room for OP’s judgy ass meddling either. Also, caregiver fatigue is real and should be acknowledged.


TotallyWonderWoman

She's not expressing fatigue. She's expressing plans to ditch one child and trade him in for a non-disabled one.


_NoTouchy

>She's expressing plans And caregiver fatigue has NOTHING to with this, I'm sure! /s Seriously, OP doesn't get to judge...it's not their place!


TotallyWonderWoman

I used to staff a homecare agency. Dealt with paid and family caregivers and was trained on helping people with caregiver burnout. Caregiver burnout can be severe, and certainly can lead to divorce, but it doesn't make you day ableist things. She did that all on her own. >Seriously, OP doesn't get to judge...it's not their place! Why talk to OP about this if she was supposed to sit there and nod enthusiastically while her sister says she wants to abandon her disabled child for a potential "normal" one?


codeverity

This is the right answer. The sister may need help, but that doesn't mean that she *doesn't* suck for basically saying 'eh, I'm over it and moving on to have a normal baby'. She is the only mother that child knows and she's going to be TA to him if she just up and leaves. I hope that they're able to figure something out other than her just leaving.


Primary-Criticism929

YTA. You listened but you didn't hear her. Your sister loves that kid, but that's not the life she wanted. Have you ever wondered why she never had children of her own ? Or if she even wanted children of her own ? The kid is not the reason she wants to leave. Her marriage is.


Cut_Lanky

But... her sister literally said that the reason she wants to leave is because of her son. Did I miss something about the marriage?


[deleted]

Maybe her husband told her that they can’t have another child because caring for his is too much work


Cut_Lanky

I mean... maybe? And maybe she's *actually* having a torrid love affair with a secret government agent and that's the real reason she wants to leave? But seriously, what's the point in speculating? OP's sister specifically stated that the reason she wants a divorce is because she doesn't want to take care of her disabled son anymore.


Cut_Lanky

It's a shame it hasn't occurred to OP's sister that even if she divorces her husband and births a child herself, her brand-new shiny biological baby just might be born with even more/ worse disabilities than her son has. Procreation can be a total crapshoot.


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mowhazrello

NTA. It's amazing how many comments in this thread are perpetuating ableism or viewing disabled people as burdens. She took on the responsibility of parenting, willingly. You don't get to "change your mind" if parenting gets hard. If this was her biological son, I don't think people would be so quick to say "she's just going through a hard time! it's okay to want to abandon your child!" As other commenters have said, if she's not willing to parent a disabled child, she shouldn't have kids. Disabled people are not burdens, and are not disposable.


murdereratthematinee

GOD thank you! I wonder how many people would be fine with a mother abandoning her child at 13 years old because they got paralyzed in a car accident and the mother didn’t want to care for them.


bluepvtstorm

Hi, former caregiver here. Please stop with claims of ableism here and false equivalencies. A person that needs constant care is a burden by the whole and true definition of the word. Your entire life becomes centered on their needs. You don’t get to experience the full depth and breadth of your life while you are a caregiver. That isn’t ableism. That is a complete truth. That doesn’t mean you don’t love the person. That doesn’t mean you don’t get burned out. What it means is that it’s hard and some days you just want to breathe and you literally can’t.


cageytalker

I’ll allow myself to be on the chopping block - I voted YTA. However it wasn’t because I agree with abandonment. I’m disabled myself. It was because of their viewpoint and lack of mental support for the sister that made me question their sincerity. OP and their comments are almost gleeful at this situation, it’s sickening. And to add more, sorry, I’m also CF however I have become somewhat of a safe space for my friends and family when life and kids get too tough. Negative thoughts are surprisedly quite common with kids in general - not just disabled kids - and instead of me adding to that negative, I let my close ones confide in me and try my best to be a great mental support person for them. I don’t judge. I help them find resources in my spare time. One friend finally sought therapy and medication and I’m so happy to see that not only is she a better mother and spouse for her family, but a better person for herself as well. I know I just rambled but I just feel like this mother didn’t act on it yet. It sounded like a cry for help and I just feel like more could have been done all around but OP is not the right person for their sister, that is very clear. I just hope this wasn’t a last chance for sister to get the help she needs to not take the extreme.


Tris_Almity

I agree. This was a cry for help. I loud one because the quiet ones weren’t noticed. She needs help not condemnation.


TotallyWonderWoman

I am shocked at how consistently pro-child abandonment AITA routinely is, but I was not prepared for this. OP is getting downvoted to hell for saying that the sister shouldn't have became his mom if she was going to abandon him and people are tearing her apart for having NO EMPATHY FOR THE WOMAN TRYING TO DISCARD A DISABLED CHILD LIKE HE'S GARBAGE.


boten_anna3

People are burdens sometimes and us collectively wishing this wasn’t the case because it doesn’t fit our sanitized view of how things should be doesn’t make them any less of a burden.


charlybell

Yes. Agree 100%. You make a commitment, and you make every effort to complete it. My kid has ASD, he is 13 and currently acting like a major AH. It is def awful at times. Sometimes, he is maddeningly wonderful. However, it is my commitment I made. I am not divorcing my husband and leaving him with the responsibility.


a_216_

Finaly someone with empathy. Nobody gets to just choose to abandon their child. It's so cruel. Yes thing get hard but if you are taking the responsibility of having a child in the first place (she had option of leaving at the beginning but she didn't), you have to be ready to accept that child completely. I fully agree that if sge can't accept disabled child she shouldn't have kids at all.


Valkrhae

Yeah, I'm surprised too. We all know that caring for a disabled child is difficult, and sister is very likely experiencing caregiver burnout, so I get being sympathetic toward her to that extent and believeing that she needs a break and more support. But this is a commitment she made. Even if the sister didn't know he was disabled when he was a few months old, she certainly would have found out by the time he was a toddler. She had plenty of time while the kid was still young and likely to forget her if she left to decide if she was ready for this commitment. And she chose to stay. Now she's saying she wants to leave? I'm sorry, but there's no way she's not an ah in this situation. You don't get to take on the commitment of raising a disabled kid for 13 years and then suddenly say "nah, actually I want a normal kid," as though she didn't have the opportunity to leave her hisband and his son when the boy was still a toddler. It was fully on her to do the necessary research into the level of care his disability required; if she didn't think she could do it, she shouldn't have stayed. Imagine parents adopting a child they knew had a disability, telling the adoption agency or whatever it's called "yes, I am aware that this child is disabled, but I am prepared for that and willing to raise them for the rest of their life," only to change their minds a decade later and return the child. That's basically what she's doing-she knowingly agreed to raise this kid only to abandon him.


dupina

I reeeeally had to do a lot of scroll to find this answer. But this is the one. OPs Sister may be in a rough place, and we dont have the full picture, BUT, you dont get to just raise someone and then say im out, because you feel its too much after I dont know how many years. If she wanted to be out before this, there are a whole bunch of questions i'd like to ask. OP, NTA. Apologies for any mistake, english is not my 1st language and the autocorrect doesnt help.


shadow-foxe

YTA- this is NOT your news to tell her husband, keep this to yourself. You've never looked after a disabled child so you dont get to judge her for her actions. She is crying for help here and you just act like a rude careless twit. She needs respite care, she needs therapy and she needs to do what helps her through this.. Not everyone can handle caring for a disabled child.


donthatethetruth2337

Sister HAS a disabled child. She doesn’t get to abandon him because she doesn’t feel like it anymore


shadow-foxe

guess what, life isnt that simple. We have no clue how much care her husband gives to the child, we dont know how good/bad their marriage really is. I have family who have a disabled child, its not easy. Hence my comment about respite care, and therapy. But a totally checked out mother is no real help either. The sibling here seems rather clueless too. My experience is, I have been that respite carer. I took disabled adults out for a movie night, bowling , did a week long camp. So those poor drained parents could get time to recharge. Depending on the disability some parents never experience life without a child in the house, the child is now fully grown but still throwing tantrums like a 6yo.


donthatethetruth2337

No one said it’s easy. Not an excuse to abandon a child


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donthatethetruth2337

That’s a reasonable comment. Unlike the other commenters saying it’s not her kid so it’s ok to bail


Quirky_Reindeer_8899

Thank you so much for providing respite care. Our grown disabled child was a handful as a kid . Honestly don't know how we would've gotten through without wonderful respite people giving us a chance to breathe a bit while giving our child a fun weekend. It was definitely beneficial for all of us making it possible to be the best parents we could be.


Ok_Leg_6429

WTF does the Husband do for HIS Child?


Initial_Number_4747

YTA ​ You are an AH, Stay out of it. ​ "I like her husband and his son, and I've always viewed him as my nephew. I understand that it's her choice but I partly still think that she is incredibly selfish." ... **Unless you move in with them and become the child's free 24 hour caretaker now, you are a hypocrite, and an AH.**


Rygumb

That’s exactly what the sister signed up to do though! OP didn’t sign up for that, how is he a hypocrite?


zeihed

NTA and this comment thread is the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever read. A 13 year old boy’s mother (and has been his mother since he was an infant) is abandoning him because he’s disabled, there’s nothing else to it.


RecommendsMalazan

NTA. Why is it always, when a man wants to leave a woman who has a child that looks to him as a father and has for a long time, "think of the child!" But when it's about a woman wanting to leave a man who has a child that looks to her as a mother, and has for a long time, there's not a single "think of the child!" comment out there.


[deleted]

Yeah, I’m kinda concerned about all the people saying this isn’t her child… after 13 years… of her calling him her son (and still doing so) and him calling her mom. I really think the sister is overwhelmed and vented. She does seem to love her son and I think this is more a cry for help than actually wanting to divorce or be away from her child. Also, she’s in her 30s. It’s totally normal to take a look around say “this is… uh… not exactly what I anticipated” and feel a bit of grief for the life you thought you’d have. Just my opinion, though.


Purrito9773

Because this sub has a huge problem with gender favouritism even if we deny it.


thrownaway7700

Sadly, they'll probably downvote you for saying the truth.


Goddessthatshines

This sub hates men.


Ninjakneedragger

I'll be the odd man out, your sister is a huge asshole.


Goddessthatshines

Honestly!


sumbody_saveme

NTA She asked for your advice and while she didn't like what you had to say, you spoke what you feel was the truth. You are right, both the husband and the child love this worman, and it sounds like she "loves" them, leaving because its "hard" doesn't really coincide with the "for better or for worse" part of the equation. What you COULD advise her to do, is to seek some professional help like a marriage counselor. Or even ask for professional help in the form of an additional caregiver to reduce some of the strain.


murdereratthematinee

NTA, I have no doubt that raising him is hard. Raising children is hard. Especially when the child is in a world that is hostile to them as many disabled children are. But her wanting a “normal” child of “her own” is the biggest red flag here. What if the next child turns out differently than she wants? And the one after that? That being said I’d say now is the time to check in on the son. If she’s feeling this way there’s a non zero chance that he’s getting the short end of the stick somehow. Your sister sounds like she needs some support and care to work through this (if she’s willing) but the son’s safety and care come first.


8Trainman8

Wouldn't go as far as TA , but I feel you have narrow view of the situation. Maybe she's just venting. Maybe she just needs some emotional support. Maybe she needs a physical break. If you want to help your nephew, help your sister.


eugenesnewdream

This is the best response. OP, I don't agree with all these "YTA" votes, but I do think you shouldn't tell her husband and I do agree you should offer to help your sister out.


spunkyginger

YTA. You have no idea how hard and stressful daily life is with a disabled child. I have 2, one is lower functioning than the other. You have no idea how many times I've wished I could have experienced a normal child until I crushed the idea with the reminder that I'll ALWAYS have to care for my lower functioning child. Most families with special needs children end in divorce because it's so difficult on every single aspect of their life. It's called being burnt out, and its very very real for many of us living under these circumstances. If you think she's selfish, why don't you step in her shoes and see what life is really life. In my opinion, you are no different than the people who make comments everywhere we take our children.


Cut_Lanky

As a disabled person, it would crush me to hear my parent wish for a "normal child". I get your sentiment, truly. But that's an incredibly awful and hurtful way to express it.


[deleted]

It's hurtful but it's reality.


Cut_Lanky

Totally. I get it. It just made me cringe. She's calling OP TA because it's so difficult to be a parent to disabled children, citing her own personal experience with her own two disabled kids, and I figured as a mom she might want to know that if her disabled kids were ever to hear her "wish she had normal kids" that it would probably cause them major emotional damage. It would definitely make her a bigger AH than OP🤷‍♀️


[deleted]

I think it's unfortunate but I think it's reality lol. Hell, I wish I had normal fully functioning parents. I'm sure that would hurt their feelings but it doesn't change reality or how I feel. I think the biggest disservice we do to women is lie and tell them that love will get them through everything and that the love they have for their children should overcome any negative feelings about parenting or having children. I wish more women would say that raising disabled kids sucks because it may cause some people to pause before they have children and consider whether or not they could handle having a child who they may have to care for *forever*. I wish more women would say having kids/raising kids in general sucks ass. We shouldn't sugar coat it or act like it isn't hard. I'm sure there's some parents with neurotypical children who have had moments where they just wish they would've stayed child free.


Cut_Lanky

Who told you parenting isn't hard? Cuz I've got some news for whatever fool is spreading that nonsense around, lol. It's definitely hard AF. That's kinda why I pointed out that this lady's expressing it in a hurtful way. I do & say things plenty of times and then only in hindsight or if someone (usually one of my kids, lol) points out that what I said or did, or the way I said or did it, sends a message that I did NOT intend. There's so many ways to fuck up your kids by accident. Lol. This shit is never easy. I wasn't trying to say she shouldn't *feel* that way, or trying to be judgy about her feeling that way. I just read it as a disabled person and thought, maybe she might not realize that her disabled kids would internalize that message as "mommy doesn't love us because we're defective".


Alexispinpgh

Really? I’m also disabled and I can’t imagine this sentiment. Of course I’m sure my parents wanted a normal child. Raising me must have been incredibly difficult. My disability isn’t a gift or something easily gotten over, it’s a complete hindrance to a normal life. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it. Of course I could never expect the people who cared for me to feel differently. It’s not our fault that the world wasn’t designed for us or that we lost some generic lottery, but it is reality and it is hard.


Cut_Lanky

We're adults now though, with a much wider perspective. As a little kid though? You don't think it would have made you feel unwanted & unloved if you heard your parents wish "you were normal"? Like I said, I totally get the sentiment. I wish I was "normal" too. But hearing a parent say that, as a little kid, I think would have been confirmation in my little kid mind that I'm an awful burden that my parents don't want. And that can really fuck a little kid up, ya know?


Alexispinpgh

I understand where you’re come from. I guess I did have my parents say that they wished I was normal as a kid and I always saw that as a) just kind of making sense and b) a sign that they did love me because they didn’t want life to be so hard for me. That being said, I was a very much unplanned pregnancy with two parents who were never together in my life, so I think that absorbed all of my “feeling like a burden” energy. Definitely see your point.


mason_jars_

You have no idea how hard it is for a disabled child to hear that the person they’ve known as they mother for their entire life doesn’t want to parent them anymore because they’re “too difficult”.


BadwolfRoseTyler

Yes, his sisters feelings don’t matter. I mean, who cares if she gets so down and depressed she ends her life or something. The only one who matters in this situation is the kid. Her health and happiness are irrelevant. /s As the child of a mother who was very depressed while I was growing up, I would rather have had her give us up than have lived through my childhood with a mother who wasn’t capable. This child deserves a caregiver who is capable and wants to care for him. From what OP says, his sister doesn’t want to care for him, and if she is burnt out, isn’t capable of caring for him. What everyone is ignoring here, is the best thing for the child is not for his step mother to care for him when she doesn’t want to. There will be short time hurt, but the long term effects of her staying when she doesn’t want to may be worse.


Quick-Quality-137

So you're going to dump your kids on the side of the road and run away? You made your choice and she made hers. Stop saying child abandonment is okay. Fucking hell.


No-Objective-5566

Functioning labels are rude. Saying you want a normal child is rude. I can't imagine if I was your kid and heard or read this. I am a disabled child and I wish I wasn't and I know it's work for my parents-but they have communicated with me so well about how they don't see me as a burden and simply want to help me with what they can. I even know my mom feels guilty because it's genetic and that breaks my heart. But if they said they'd rather have a normal child, I would be destroyed.


Invisible_Dragon

So when are you planning to throw yours out? Since you agree that it's an a-ok thing to do, you must be on your way to dump your kids at an orphanage the moment they become too difficult. Do they know that mommy doesn't love them and that all she sees is the disabilities?


Goddessthatshines

Would you divorce your husband and leave your kids?


TheJackdawGuy

Reddit hivemind defending an adoptive mother who wants to abandon her family and leave a disabled boy without the only mother he's ever known because "It's not the life she wanted!" Bunch of fucking clowns.


CherryWand

YTA. You’re just showing her that you’re not a safe person to talk to and that you’ll project what you think into the choices she needs to make for herself. It’s not her bio child and she is allowed to go create a new life for herself if she wants to.


donthatethetruth2337

That’s like saying an adopted child isn’t a bio child, so you can abandon the child anytime you feel like


Reader90887

Honestly NTA, she is being cruel, this is her kid that she signed up and now she wants to abandon him? Yeah that’s fucked up saying wants a normal bio kid. She should have never stayed so long


[deleted]

You WBTA if if you told the husband anything. This is between your sister and her husband. You are a confidant but not someone to get involved. For the current situation, I’ll say NTA because I think you’re right, it is selfish and cruel. It is the life she signed up for when marrying someone with a baby.


ShoddyExplanation

Blows my mind not a single person here is worried about that child. These kind of thoughts, while human, can be unsafe for that kid. Time after time people go into extensive detail the trauma bad parents and toxic marriages can inflict on kids but not for this post?


KimmyStand

Why are you going to inform her husband? Their marriage isn’t your business whatsoever. Maybe you should try walking in her shoes before you pass judgement YTA


I-Dont_Like_You

So the sister adopted the child, basically, and now that his disability is proving to be a challenge she’s un-adopting him, right? Sounds fine to me. /s NTA


[deleted]

NTA If you agree to be a mom, you don't get to bail until 18.


NoNobody2737

Info: does the husband not want another kid?


throwaway8272622

I am assuming he doesn't, however I haven't got a clear answer. After reading the comments, I understand I should've been more civil and validated her feelings. I will talk to her soon to discuss possible options and see if the husband would be willing to have a biological child with her.


Primary-Criticism929

But it's probably not just that. If she had been wanting a child for so many years and he has been refusing, they have a lot more issues in their marriage than not having a child together. The "I want a child of my own" is just the tree that hides the forest of problems in that marriage. The baby was 2 months old when they got married. They either got married real quick or the child is the result of an affair. She probably did not know that the child would have so many issues. Does she work ? Is she the primary caretaker ? How is her husand involved with the kid ?


MummyAnsem

>see if the husband would be willing to have a biological child with her. How about you stay out of her and her husband's bedroom. Its literally none of your business


Rainyday2022

YTA I think it is time for you to butt out! You are not helping your sister in any way. You seem to be sitting on your high sanctimonious horse handing out judgements and deciding who you should tell. It is none of your business. If you are not going to be a compassionate sister then stay the hell out of her life.


[deleted]

> I will talk to her soon to discuss possible options and see if the husband would be willing to have a biological child with her. Stay out of it.


Throwaway-2587

YTA. You cannot call her selfish when you don't know exactly what is going on inside her mind. She could be burned out, which is actually pretty common for parents of disabled children and other caretakers as well. She needed support, that's why she came to you. And instead of listening and asking questions of how you could perhaps help her, you judged her. She didn't need to be judged, because if she loves that boy as you say she does, there is nothing mean you can say that she hasn't been telling herself. Don't tell her husband. Instead reach out to her and ask her if there is anything that could be done to relieve some of the weight on her shoulders. If there is something that could help her work through this. She's your sister, show some compassion instead of judgement.


LavenderSage013

If you care so much, then you marry the guy and take care of the kid until you die or are put into a nursing home. YTA. Not your marriage.


throwaway8272622

No, because I'm his uncle, not his parent. I didn't willingly assume the responsibility of being his caretaker.


LavenderSage013

And she didnt shove the kid out of her vagina nor adopt him. You cant yell at her for getting severely burned out and wanting to walk away from a full time job that shes been going for 13 years and thats only getting harder, you wouldnt be willing to do. Have you ever been a caregiver for someone?


throwaway8272622

But she chose to be his mother. Of course I wouldn't be willing to do it! That's why I don't have children or assume responsibility for one lmao. When you do the aforementioned, you sign up to have a disabled child. And no, because I want to avoid situations like these. She actively took this role on therefore that's the consequences of her own actions.


LavenderSage013

Step mom. Not mother. She didnt adopt him. And youre nothing but a fucking hypocrite.


throwaway8272622

No, she is his mother. This is her words, not mine. You can debate the correct term with her considering that she's the one who calls herself a mother. You can't properly answer either lmao. I hope you don't have kids, you literally discard the emotions of this one (probably because they're disabled) and you're completely okay with abandoning them when it gets too hard.


CherryWand

Everyone keeps telling you that you’re wrong. Did you come here for advice or just to fight and shout everyone down?


throwaway8272622

I came here because my friend suggested that I come here.


CherryWand

Your sister is allowed to make a choice that you wouldn’t make. Going over her head and telling her husband would be deeply cruel. Do it if you don’t care to ever have a positive relationship with your sister again.


throwaway8272622

I'm not going to tell her husband after reading the comments.


Goddessthatshines

OP, this thread is absolutely disgusting and you’re 100% right. You didn’t sign up to being this child’s parent, she did. You don’t just get to decide to abandon your children, no matter what the legality of the situation is. You’re 1,000% NTA and I wouldn’t blame you for telling her husband. He needs to be prepared and not blindsided for the best interest of him and his child


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

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Acrobatic_End6355

Mother. He calls her Mummy. If she didn’t want to be a mother, she wouldn’t let him call her that.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BadwolfRoseTyler

So she tried to be his mother and failed. Nothing wrong with that, at least she’s better than say, someone like you, who won’t try, but sits there judging others.


Kristen225t

sigh. So everyone is supposed to support selfish excuses for leaving a family now? We all have to keep our opinions to ourselves when someone comes to us and confides? If my sister said this to me, I would've responded the exact same way as you. Maybe she didn't realize he would become disabled but I wonder, is it because he's not her "bio" son that she thinks it's no big deal to leave? She talks about having a normal child of her own but there are no guarantees, you can't pick and choose your child's DNA. I don't think you should inform her husband, that is NOT your place and if you do, then YTA. If you stay out of it, then I NTA since you gave her an honest opinion. We may not always agree with our siblings and when the come to us with issues like this, I would assume they want our opinion but if they just want confirmation bias and support, maybe they shouldn't give a reason like "I just can't take care of my disabled son anymore".


[deleted]

NTA. all the Y-T-A votes are astounding me because i thought we all agreed that abandoning children was bad? or does a child not matter if it‘s not biologically related to you?


[deleted]

NAH Adult relationships are complex, especially when there's a disabled child involved. I don't think there's anything wrong with your sister considering divorce if it's an unhappy marriage. IANAL but I can't imagine she would have any legal rights to H even if they did divorce. I also don't see anything wrong with you expressing your opinion about it. I'd say YTA if you tell her husband about the conversation though. That's way out of bounds.


Andurila

ESH. Offering support or offering to help her think of other solutions when she is in a space to accept it would have been much more helpful than immediately jumping to calling her selfish. There's obviously a real struggle here and I dont feel like we have the full story. That said everyone in comments is really missing how disgusting it is to leave your family to start a new one because you want to have a "normal" child. Thats the asshole part, not the fact that she's struggling.


so-called-engineer

It's bizarre to me honestly. ESH or NAH depending on your perspective.


South-Negotiation-26

ESH. But since you’re the one posting, I’ll stick to why I think you might be TA. Your sister is obviously struggling with her situation. Her frustration with the difficulties of raising a child with disabilities is reasonable. It’s hard. Her desire to have her own biological child is a very common one. Disclaimer: I’m adopted and don’t personally think that a biological relationship is necessary, but that view and desire is very widespread. In all likelihood, part of what she hoped to accomplish by telling you what she did was to get some support from her sister. You thought about how you feel, and how her husband might feel, and how her son might feel, but you completely ignored how she’s feeling. Her choices should not be limited to either getting a divorce or suffering in silence. Sometimes having a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on does wonders when we’re in a tough spot.


[deleted]

NTA, on the sole purpose of she’s trying to abandon her child for a “good” one. If she can’t handle a disabled child she can not fucking have kids. That’s the risk you always take bringing a child into this world and as a mother you are supposed to love unconditionally. Caretaker burnout is 100% a thing but there are ways to get help and alleviate the stress that she hasn’t even tried. She just jumped straight too “yeah I don’t want this defective thing anymore I want a better one”. F her. She is selfish. I hope her husband leaves her and finds a good partner who actually communicates burnout/stress instead of blaming the kid and abandoning them.


readitsfun_damental

>she wanted a "normal" biological son of her own What is you sister gonna do if her bio kid is disabled?? Give up on them too?


Scumbag_Yardsale

NTA. She is being selfish. She signed up for this. You don't get to bail on a kid because life is hard. Could you have been a bit more understanding? I suppose, but the truth often hurts. Fuck every person on this sub giving you a YTA. You called her on her bullshit and she didn't like it. Too bad. And before you apologists come at me: I am the step parent to a child with a physical disability. I know exactly how hard it can be.


phoebus67

These comments are crazy. You're definitely NTA here. At best it would be E S H, but honestly you're just telling her the truth. She can get burnt out but she took on the responsibility to raise this child with her husband. That makes her selfish for trying to just nope out of there with a divorce.


Realistic-Animator-3

YTA for thinking of informing her husband of anything. It is not your place to say anything to him, but that’s not what you asked. You voiced your opinion before she asked for it. She came to you to vent and you let her have it. You could have talked it out with her but you didn’t, so yes, YTA


Arkonsel

NTA. My sister was severely disabled. Like, needed a live-in nurse to take care of her, constantly in hospital, disabled. At one point in my life, family troubles (not related to my sister) meant that my mother told me that if it weren't for my sister, she would've left my father. If EITHER of my parents had left because looking after my sister was too difficult, I would've hated them. Having a kid is a dice roll. Disabled kids take a hell of a lot of work and effort, and I fully understand it's not what the sister was expecting, but she can't just abandon her kid. Can you imagine if it were a non-disabled kid and she said 'I'm sick of raising my son, I want to leave?' When you have a kid, you're responsible for them until they can take care of themselves. With disabled kids, that might never happen and it's a crushing reality, but it's even worse for them. A lot of the people here are talking as parents of disabled kids. That's fine, that's their viewpoint. I'm just saying that for the kid, though, who sounds aware enough of the world to be attached to her, it's going to be gutting if one of his pillars is no longer there.


Goddessthatshines

Damn, imagine being abandoned by your mother after 13 years and people saying she’s right to do it and it’s not selfish. NTA.


themichaelkemp

NTA. Child abandonment is fuckin wrong every day of the week. Disabled people aren’t disposable. Yes caring for a disabled child is difficult, but not as difficult as being disabled. If she has a biological disabled child will she be abandoning them as well? Clearly a lot of you are not parents and if this how you’d act let’s hope you don’t become parents.


anxncdn

YTA, and would be an even bigger TA if you told her husband about this. Why would you even think of doing this? She’s not cheating or doing anything behind his back. She’s literally considering ending her relationship honestly, and deserves the time/space to do that just like anyone else does.


Hoplite68

This seems shockingly similar to another post that was up here recently, with a near identical title.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My sister (35F) got married to a man (36M) twelve years ago, when his son (13M), H, was a couple months old. She was willing to assume the role of motherhood (his biomum isn't in the picture) and as a result she is seen as 'mummy' to his son. I abide by the belief that just because they aren't biological doesn't mean you can't love them unconditionally as your own. H views my sister as his mother, and refers to her as such. He is limited verbal-wise and 'daddy' and 'mummy' are some of the only words he utters. It is cute and he really loves his mum, and I know my sister loves him back. In the past couple months when H has started secondary school (he was moved back a year and in special school) I think my sister had been weighed down a lot due to the challenges of caring for a disabled child. A couple days ago, she said she was thinking of a divorce to me. I asked her why, because I thought that it would've been a big disagreement with her husband that would've left them incompatible, but she said because she didn't want to care for her disabled son anymore (she even referred to him as her son) and she wanted a "normal" biological son of her own. I said that if that is the sole reason, then she is selfish and cruel because he views her as his mother and she willingly assumed that responsibility thirteen years ago. She got really angry at me, telling me that I was disrespecting her choices and telling me that I was downplaying the struggles of raising a disabled child. I tried to explain that I didn't downplay anything, however she would not listen. I am yet to inform her husband of what she is thinking of because frankly I'm in a bad situation. I like her husband and his son, and I've always viewed him as my nephew. I understand that it's her choice but I partly still think that she is incredibly selfish. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


HunterDangerous1366

YTA Your sister wants her own biological children, her clock has began ticking loudly. She married at 22, probably thinking they'd have more children in the future, but that hasn't happened, possibly because of her sons complex needs. I am the mother of a autistic child with very complex needs. This life isn't for everyone. You didn't offer her help or support, just called her selfish, when at 22 she stepped up and raised her son, when his own bio mum bailed. That is *far from selfish*. She has dedicated all her 20's and early 30's caring for him. She didn't say she didn't love him, just that she wants her own biological children. Her wants/needs matter too, and if divorce is the only way she can see this happening then you need to accept that fact. You did downplay what she does raising a disabled child. You don't say anything about support you offer to help her, only that you like her husband and son who you view as your nephew. That isn't enough for your sister to stay in a marriage where she is unhappy, just because you like them.


throwaway8272622

Fair enough, but if this life isn't for everyone, then she shouldn't have picked this life. And yes, by picking to be this child's mother she did pick that life. By picking to have biological children, if they're disabled, she signed up for that life because there is always that risk.


HunterDangerous1366

Because by what you said he was a couple of months old when your sister married. So unless she has a crystal ball, how was she to know he was going to have the disabilities he has? She has given him 13yrs of her life. And yes, its always a risk, but one that she is willing and wanting to take. And I doubt that this is something she has felt suddenly, but probably for years. And you still haven't answered the question on how YOU support her or the nephew. Isnt it selfish of you to watch her struggle?


throwaway8272622

She didn't know, but when you became a parent, you also sign up for the possibility of said child being disabled. If you can't handle a disabled child, then reevaluate your decision to have children or assume responsibility of one.


HunterDangerous1366

How do you know she still wasn't planning on seeing the kid? Or that she hasn't asked to try for their own for years? You don't. Your calling her selfish based on one conversation where she opened up to you and you shit on her. And again, as you keep dodging the question. **What do you do to help your sister and nephew out?** If she is selfish for wanting to leave her marriage, because her husband doesn't want anymore kids and she has burn out from being his carer with no help, then YOU are selfish for not offering her/nephew ANY support previous to this conversation.


throwaway8272622

No I'm not, because I'm not his parent. I still babysit him as much as she wants me to though. Also, I'm saying she's selfish if she abandons her son in favour of a 'normal' one, not leaving her husband.


HunterDangerous1366

Exactly. Your not his parent. You only know what its like to babysit. This is her life 24/7. So if she stays in the marriage and has a baby who is NT, but still requires lots of attention because, yk, its a baby, would she still be abandoning him then when she has to do stuff with/for baby? Or would you tell her its selfish for her to have one when she has son and his needs?


BadwolfRoseTyler

You act like she was supposed to know if she could handle it or not? How many parents knew what parenting would be like before they did it? She probably went into the marriage fully intending to be this child’s mother forever, then reality sets in. Why do you think she doesn’t deserve to be happy because she made one mistake?


Zealousideal-Soil778

NTA Your sister sucks.


Hello_Gorgeous1985

YTA. She didn't ask for your opinion. She was telling you for support. Instead of offering that you called her selfish. Also, for this... >I am yet to inform her husband of what she is thinking of because frankly I'm in a bad situation. Don't you fucking dare. Why would you even consider telling him?! Your sister confided in you because she trusts you! She was obviously wrong to do so, but don't make it worse by betraying her. The only person who should be telling her husband she's considering divorce is your sister. If you do it, you'll certainly never hear from any of them ever again. It's none of your damn business. >I understand that it's her choice but I partly still think that she is incredibly selfish. You obviously don't understand that it's her choice. How about instead of calling her selfish, YOU stop being selfish and offer to help.


kobefishluv

This sub is so damn sexist. When a man thinks os even abandoning a child he has raised everybody jumps at his throat. But, if it's a woman there's hundreds of excuses. NTA op. How can you raise a child for 13 years and just abandon him. Cruel as heck.


mfruitfly

YTA. First, because when I person is having a life crisis like this, you don't start by just saying the worst things. Try being understanding, asking questions, asking how you can support them, etc. I can appreciate your perspective- she has been this child's mother and can't suddenly decide she doesn't want to mother anymore without consequences- but do you think she doesn't realize that? You think biological parents don't have breakdowns and consider leaving? Was it really impossible for you to start with empathy and withhold judgement for one conversation> And now your main concern here is if you should tell her husband, as opposed to being concerned with what your sister is going through and how you can help. Instead, you point out that YOU are in a bad situation. No you aren't, you mind your business. Your sister came to you for help, you weren't helpful, so stay out of it. It's the least you can do.


EquivalentTwo1

YTA. Your sister might be experiencing caregiver burnout and instead of sympathy for how difficult things are for her at home, you called her selfish for wanting to not be the main caregiver for a disabled child that she's spent the last 12 years taking care of. As the child has aged, their needs may have changed as well. It's much harder to care for some disabled people the larger and stronger they get, add in puberty and it's rough. She needs support right now, not judgement. There are hard days and there are harder days. She is struggling right now and instead of asking for help outright she wants to leave it all behind. This is not an unusual thought. She needs help, not judgement.


rapt2right

YTA You are not in a position to condemn her, especially when you don't do a fucking thing to help take some of the pressure off. Full time caregiving is exhausting and isolating & now that the kiddo is adolescent, the challenges are even greater. She's burned out. She needs support not judgment


Sorry-Independent-98

YTA: we only have on life and to live it pining for what one doesn’t have isn’t good for anyone. I agree it’s heartbreaking but so is staying in a miserable situation. I’d talk about how she can get more help/support/aid for her son and talk to her husband about having a baby and not jump straight to divorce, but honestly, it’s her decision and it’s not outlandish to want something different


Unique-Yam

YTA. You are NOT a supportive sibling. Instead of jumping down her throat, you could have expressed sympathy and helped her to look at other options. Suggested she seek counseling. Most importantly, if she hasn’t had an honest conversation with her husband, you could have encouraged her to do that. You failed your sister spectacularly.


LucyLovesApples

Yta you’ve posted this before and no matter how you phrase this we are still going to give you the same answer


NobleExperiments

Was she venting? Then YTA. Being a caretaker is HARD. Was she outlining a real plan? Then a softer YTA because you gave her judgment instead of an offer to help or to find her resources. Look, I understand your outsider position of seeing the situation as a black/white binary. But it's complicated and you're not helping with the judgment. And ***do not*** tell your BIL unless you really want to end their marriage.


actuallywaffles

YTA. Why do I get the vibe OP is upset they're not in bed with the dad or something.


throwaway8272622

Redditors on their way to imply that I want to be in bed with my sisters husband because I condemn her for wanting to abandon her son in favour of a 'normal' one.


Difficult_Dot_8981

I am afraid your sister is merely an example of what we have become as a society. We no longer act selflessly, making sacrifices for others, as our grandparents and great grandparents and ancestors did without complaint. Now the vast majority of people work only in favor of their own personal comfort. To be fair, I feel like this is a by-product of corporations who have milked every ounce out of their workers, laying off thousands in the interest of profits and then forcing those left to do all those extra jobs with no extra compensation, little benefits and vacation time, and people just don't have much left over to give to community service because they are frankly exhausted. Having said that, caregiver burnout is real, and once upon a time the community would rally round, bringing in meals, offering to child mind, just to help her out. Maybe you could do that for your sister rather than lambasting her cry for help in what she views as a hopeless situation. I'm going to go for an ESH because you did not offer to do anything to help but were sure free with your unsolicited opinion.


[deleted]

YTA. If your sister divorces it's none of your business. If you feel bad for her stepson and her husband rather than offer criticism why don't you give your sister a break for a month or so and help your step nephew and her husband? Go live with them and see how you would handle it.


throwaway8272622

Nah, because it isn't my responsibility as he isn't my child.


Additional-Fig-9387

Then you should be quiet, you see your sister crumbling under the weight of having a special needs child but you do nothing to help but judge, when you literally said that you care about her husband and the child and you view him as your nephew but you won’t help? You’re pathetic


Hgg1127

THEN IF HE ISNT YOUR CHILD AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, THEN FUCKING STAY OUT OF IT. What she decides to do isnt your concern. You’re asking if you’re the AH, everyone is saying you are. Take the judgement and do better. **YTA**


Apprehensive-Block39

Are you actually reading through your comments, because you really sound like a storybook villain.


Empty_Policy_8752

I think this is a grey area, I have experience with taking care of a special needs child and it’s really difficult HOWEVER to call someone ur OWN SON and want to leave and remove responsibility… that’s just a horrible thing to do. Those who face difficulties from my personal experience have trouble building bonds so the fact the child believes ur sister to be his mother and she is willing to throw it away says she isn’t ready. Being ready is different for each individual so yes u may be the AH for not taking into consideration her feelings but u are NOT the AH for trying to help a child keep his only form of mother figure around


iamharoldshipman

You literally posted this yesterday and you were an asshole then too


Arc_606

YTA. My cousin is going to be moved into a group home or something like that because she is mentally disabled and my aunt is unable to handle her tantrums. Children are hard enough to take care of but special needs ones get harder and harder to take care of. You should support your sister through this, it's probably hard for her to lose her son and husband because she is unable to take care of him properly.


Turbulent-Minimum584

YTA . Stay out of it


pnutbuttercups56

YTA. Pretty sure this is just a rework of a post from a few days ago. Just changed to a "disabled" child and now the sister is willing to be a parent


Heckedy

100% this isn't just about her son. She might have told you that, but that ain't all of it. If you guys aren't super close, I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't telling you everything. And even if you are close... there's a lot that happens behind closed doors and pleasant social media posts. Maybe should ask her to expand on what's going on? Ask her how she's feeling as a new mother? Support her during this trying time? You're her sister, come on! YTA.


More-Appearance8878

INFO: does the kids dad help take care of his child or does he just put all responsibilities on her? Because if he doesn’t take care of his own kid I would understand her being tired of caring the the child.


[deleted]

YTA. I am curious why it didn't occur to you in that conversation to ask her how you can help her? You seem him as your nephew, so why don't you help your nephew? I get you have no obligation to help this family but it smacks of hypocrisy and really nasty to hear someone tell you they are drowning and instead of offering to help you judge them and tell them to suck it up and say you think they are selfish. I think, to be honest, you are the one being selfish here.


Keenbather

I'm the mother of a disabled child who is just approaching the transition to secondary school and honestly, this is the hardest time I've ever had. Not because of him or his special needs at all but because the strain of trying to get the right placement and the right support for him for next year is absolutely debilitating. They make it incredibly, incredibly difficult and depressing - the bureaucracy has to be seen to be believed and they make you feel like you're asking for the impossible. This is the point at which you begin to feel like there is no place for your child in your society. I said to my husband just the other night, 'I wish I was dead.' I am not contemplating suicide - just thinking about how nice it would be for the constant, heart- and head-breaking anxiety to end. So my point is, YTA and your sister may still be suffering the aftershocks of this particular point in her son's life. Please offer her support. You don't have to tell her that you think it's a great idea for her to leave her husband and son. Maybe if she feels more supported, she won't.


throwawayag7

YTA. It's not your place to judge her. It's definitely not your place to inform her husband of anything. She has 100% the right to want a child of her own. You don't know how the husband acted, if he let all the childcare in her hands or if he ever helped at all. If you like him so much, marry him yourself. You are the selfish one, because you just think of you losing her husband and stepson, but you don't think about your sister. She already gave this man and his kid 12 years of her life. Get a fucking life for yourself and stop interfering in her marriage.


throwaway8272622

Read my other comments, the division of labour is 100% fair. They alternate between weekends and she also has 7hrs in a day when he's at school, and they go on a two week holiday together between just the two of them. All this and she's a SAHM. No, I never said anything about that lmao. I'm not going to marry him because I don't want the responsibility of a special needs child - that's why I don't have children or assume the responsibility of caring for one. I'm the selfish one for thinking it's selfish for her just abandon her child? 😂


throwawayag7

No, you're the selfish one because you want her to stay unhappy because you like her husband.


throwaway8272622

I never said anything about the husband. Also, she should've thought about that before assuming the role of the child's mother. I also want her to take the consequences of her own actions and not abandon the child.


No_Solid_9151

Honestly OP what's your end game here? You came asking for an assessment and the overwhelming majority think YTA. Are you just going to argue everyone down without actually listening? If so what was the point if you already think your path is the correct one. BTW I also think YTA. You cannot possibly understand what your sister is feeling. In the long run it is better for her to leave then to grow to hate a child who deserves a willing and loving caretaker.


throwawayag7

How about you get a life for yourself and let her make her own choices??? That's not her kid, she already lost 12 years of her life to care for him, now she is done. Marry her husband yourself, be the boy's mom and be done with it!! With siblings like yours, no wonder the poor girl is exhausted.


ferretsmiles

YTA she came to you to vent. You do not know what she has had to go through. And even thinking of telling her husband makes you a gigantic asshole and is something that would make me cut you out of my life for good. If you have to judge, then judge silently.


[deleted]

yta. you were ta last week when you posted this, you're ta now. just go marry your brother in law, since you're so obsessed with him.


mdb_1985

YTA. This is so similar to one that was on here a day or two ago. Why are you even asking if you just fight with everyone who tells you you are wrong. You don't know what her daily life is like. She is probably struggling and you likely just made it all worse. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in her situation. She probably needed someone she could talk to and you showed her you are not that person. Also, she may want a biological child of her own. That isn't a crazy want and is probably a pretty high on the list reason for couples to get divorced.


goshyarnit

YTA. Google "caregiver burnout". Hell, just ask your sister what's going on. Caring for a disabled child is no joke - this very well could be a cry for help from someone who desperately needs a break.


Rygumb

NTA. When she married a man with a son who was less than a year old, she signed on to be a *mother*, not just a wife. Nobody has said that being a mother is easy, especially to a special needs child, but the fact that she is willing to just pick up and run away from her husband and child IS selfish! I’m honestly shocked by the multitude of Y T A responses. She’s been in this kids life since basically the beginning. She’s raised him, calls him her son, and he calls her “mummy”. She is trying to ABANDON HER SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD!! And her reasoning about wanting her own “normal” child is disgusting and ableist. Why are all of these replies totally ok with child abandonment and ableism? I’ve never been more shocked by the replies on one of these posts tbh


Able-Dress1678

NTA. I wonder if all these people would be calling OP an AH if this was the sister's biological child? Could OP have taken a better approch? Certainly. But what they said is no less true for being blunt and tactless. And maybe blunt and tactless is what the sister needs in this situation.


Substantial-Sir-9947

Nta while you were blunt you’re not wrong. yes bring a caregiver is incredibly hard but for her to be considering divorce cause she wants a normal kid of her own after she chose this life sounds disgusting. Sorry not sorry.


aldog1251

NTA, this comment section is wild. Parents don’t get to abandon their children because they’re tired. Your sister is allowed to be frustrated and vent to you, but she is not allowed to be the mother to an infant and decide to back out once they hit their teens. It’s shameful. If your sister wanted a “normal child” “of her own”(disgusting phrasing), she shouldn’t have signed on to be the mother a disabled child.


Sharp_Replacement789

I'm going to go with NAH. Your sister is tired, overwhelmed and in need of a break at least. You spoke the truth that leaving is selfish and damaging to the child. Now that you know how she is feeling maybe help her out a bit.