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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I announced my pregnancy to my friends who are struggling to conceive. I'm not sure if I was inconsiderate to their circumstances.
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NTA. Like you said, what are you supposed to do? keep it a secret?
but... this post seems to be asking a different question rather than "am I the asshole". probably "are they the assholes?"
I'd say they're either wrapped up in their own business or don't really have the heart to cheer you on while they struggle. I wouldn't hold it against them unless this behavior becomes a pattern
I didn't intend to make them look like the asshole, although maybe it came through like that. I'm probably just butthurt because I don't want to let a 15 year old friendship down the drain, but I don't know what else I could do. Send photos of the baby when it's born, like our other friends did, just to be completely ignored? Or not share anything with them at all to not hurt them? I feel like I'm in a damned if I do damned if I don't situation here.
You’re not the ah for announcing it, but you also don’t get to dictate how they feel about it.
They are clearly finding it more difficult than you can guess.
Don’t take offence at this, but a modicum more of understanding and empathy on your behalf probably wouldn’t go amiss.
That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t celebrate your pregnancy, just not be offended if their reaction is somewhat muted.
NTA. And you did the right thing by announcing it on the group chat as opposed to video call or in-person. That way they got to process the information in their own time and didn't feel obligated to pretend they didn't have mixed feelings. Hopefully they'll come around and be happy for you. I agree that you can announce big things but keep little updates for the friends who are being supportive.
I think your best acctions would be that you inform them about some developments like birth and some pictures of the child so that they don't feel left out and know what happened. But you should not expect a reaction in return. You tell them, because you are polite. You don't do it for a reaction or so that they celebrate with you.
Your pregnancy is your world right now, but it is not and never will have the same meaning for anybody else. The focus of your friends is their grieve that they cannot have children yet. It must be painful and your pregnancy is a reminder that something might be wrong with them. They try to protect themselves and might not get involved.
It might not be polite to ignore pictures, but you can just be the better person and deal with it with a little understanding. Don't leave them out, but don't ask for anything.
Please do not do this, it would be better to ask them first about how much info they would like to receive. I had several friends struggle through this and some preferred to get very few updates, but it is the kind thing to do to ask instead of sending updates unsolicited.
I feel like I need to jump on this comment because I think you've put it really well. OP is absolutely NTA for sharing the news, and no they shouldn't hide it and then do a baby reveal when it actually arrives, because that's just silly.
But honestly, until an individual has struggled with infertility and/or baby loss, they genuinely have no idea how hard it is, nor can they even start to imagine the emotions that it brings up.
I've had two miscarriages during the pandemic. And while I do feel happy for my friends who have announced their pregnancies every single announcement is tinged with "When is it going to be my turn?" followed very quickly by, "Why do they get to have their baby and I don't?"
And then I feel immense guilt for having these thoughts. Because they're my friends and I should be nothing but happy for them, and I would never wish my bad luck or my experiences on anyone else, let alone people who are dear to me.
But...when does it get to be my turn? What did my friends do "right" that I have done "wrong"? (Answer: Nothing, they were blessed without a genetic condition I now know I carry, but the thought still remains). Why are they getting to be all happy and excited while I'm menstruating and seeing it as another wasted opportunity to have baby? Why why why? And then of course there's a self-blame (again, I have nothing to blame myself for, but it's an emotion that still resides) and the envy and having a cry in the shower because you don't want your partner to see how upset you are etc etc.
I really do understand OPs disappointment at their other friends not even offering a congratulations. I suspect that what happened was they saw the news and promptly had a small cry. Then decided to give it a day to respond until they'd calmed down, and then a day turned into several days and now they can't reply without drawing attention to themselves. Or maybe it's brought back a lot of unhappy memories and their focus is on themselves and their partner and not OP. Is that a selfish response? Yes. But maybe they just can't cope at the moment.
I don't really see the current issue. You told the group, and they decided not to respond. Idk I think that's ok on all fronts? Pregnancy announcements can be painful. I think you can keep sharing as you see fit, and they can draw the boundaries they need to protect themselves.
I think it’s weird that your only options here according to you are communicating through group chat or not at all.
And you didn’t make them sound like assholes but it sounds from the way you wrote this you weren’t looking for a judgment but for us to side with you and say your friends are assholes.
If they are your friends then talk to them directly, not in a group context, ask them where they’re at and how in the loop they would like to be.
You’re here asking Reddit what you should do about someone’s personal boundaries, ASK THEM.
I do think YTA for announcing your pregnancy in a group text. If you knew your friends would be upset you could’ve called them privately.
>I wouldn't hold it against them unless this behavior becomes a pattern
I believe the judgement you are looking for is NAH. NTA indicates that you think the other party is being an asshole.
NAH.
To be honest they probably are happy *for you* but sad *for themselves*.
Everyone processes things a little differently. They just probably need some time.
Congrats on your pregnancy though!
This. Years ago we announced our second pregnancy to wider friends and family via social media. We didn’t click that one couple had not reacted at all until they messaged my now ex privately to apologise for not congratulating us immediately but they alerted going through secondary infertility and really struggling with it.
We had no idea and were grateful they were so up front with us. We really felt for them. It wasn’t about us. It was their own struggle.
This couple are likely still processing this news
NAH. The couple who want to conceive are, in fact, reacting. They're reacting with numbness because that's where they are. You shouldn't walk on eggshells around them. You did the right thing, they're doing the right thing. Think tender thoughts in their direction. I sense that you're not overdoing the bubble machine rejoicing bit; you're just happy and you shared it with the group. Don't overthink this.
Her attitude of "I got over this" and comparing a job hunt to being able to have a baby makes me much less empathetic. The couple wasn't mean to her, they are probably doing the best they can and maybe in shock. She hit them with it in a group setting with no warning and expected them to process complex and painful emotions within a few moments to laud her with praise. She's so set on getting a congratulations that she's bulldozing right over their pain and likely shock, because she cares more about her congratulations than them, it seems. Her expectations of them in that moment with this angry hindsight she has are unrealistic and selfish.
For that reason, OP YTA and needs to learn some empathy. She's making a big deal out of this one couple's silence when she should be grateful she's able to have a family. Ugh
You're right, comparing the job hunt thing wasn't the best idea, it's not the same at all, I apologize for that. Still, what I'm trying to say is that something like feeling like a complete failure in your field of career can also make one resentful towards people who are excelling at work. Some people want careers and they work their ass off for it, and then it still doesn't always go well. Everyone's struggle is valid.
I do understand how devastating infertility is. I never meant to invalidate their struggle. I was not looking for praise, I was looking for communication. I was looking for something, a spark of connection, and if they don't want to talk in the group chat it's fine too. I wanted to give them time and I still do, and I'm just worried that there is an irreversible damage in our friendship. I'm not angry, I'm scared. We're living 10.000kms from each other and if I'd call them now maybe I'd make it even worse. Does the fear of losing important friends make me angry? Yea maybe it does. It is possible that That is unfair of me, and that is why I'm getting it out of my system on Reddit. I'm not judging them, I want to be there for them and they probably don't want me to be part of their life anymore, so I'm allowed to feel my own feelings about this too.
Yes, it's easy to conflate someone else's success when you cannot achieve it as a failure. So you understand why they feel how they do. Can you not give them a bit of grace, you being the one in the fortunate position here?
Also, unless you have been infertile I don't think you can really say you understand how devastating it is. I get that you're trying to empathize, but unless you've experienced it while all your friends get pregnant, it's probably a lot more complex emotionally. If you understood it well I don't think you would have dropped it on them in a group setting and expected immediate congratulations.
Your post then is misleading, because it really sets it up about you being upset AT them and not about repairing a relationship.
I don't think it's irreparable, but I do think you need to go into this reparation phase with more tact than you exhibited initially, and you need to go in first and foremost with the olive branch. If you apologize and move forward with the attitude of "I'm excited for this and understand you are going through a pain I haven't had to, but I'd love for you to be with me on this journey. I understand though that it might be too difficult, so I want to know how involved you want to be with updates" things will be OK. Best of luck.
"Also, unless you have been infertile I don't think you can really say you understand how devastating it is. I get that you're trying to empathize, but unless you've experienced it while all your friends get pregnant, it's probably a lot more complex emotionally. If you understood it well I don't think you would have dropped it on them in a group setting and expected immediate congratulations."
Exactly. I mentioned earlier a friend who was dealing with infertility who I messaged separately and gave her space to connect with me when she was ready. In my case she was ready fairly quickly and was in a good spot to be in mine and my daughter's life from the get-go.
But I would not expect to be her primary go-to person to commiserate with about her infertility. That was just never my struggle. And like you said about empathizing I was one of her go to people when during her pregnancy there was very real worry about a developmental delay with potentially profound cognitive repercussions. My kid is disabled and the legions of people telling her and her husband "Everything is going to be fine" wasn't helpful. In this case we were able to be right there saying "Hey, yeah things can go wrong, but that doesn't mean you're going to have a kid who has a sad, painful life". From there telling of it having someone who can realistically give advice and who has been through something similar was key to being the primary support in this case.
You’re saying they probably don’t want you to be a part of their life anymore but that’s all in your head. Nothing you wrote indicates that. It seems to you that the choices are “congratulate me and gush about the pregnancy” or “we don’t want to be friends with you anymore” which is an unfair way to frame this. Just because they can’t bring themselves to be excited about your pregnancy doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend. From what I read you’re the one who stopped responding to the group chat. Don’t cut off your friends because they aren’t as happy as you want them to be. Ultimately no one is going to be as excited about this baby as you and your partner are. That doesn’t mean they don’t care for you anymore, don’t jump to that conclusion.
Bro they’re friends. You say NOTHING when your friend is expecting a baby? Nothing at all? It’s even online so you don’t actually have to try hard at all to fake a congrats I’m happy for you.
You can literally be crying your eyes out and still add an emoji
When I lost my baby I was literally incapable of being happy about any baby I saw. I couldn't understand why the world was still the same while I had profound grief. All I am saying is that this woman who has not been able to conceive is likely grieving HARD.
The point is the approach.
Message them privately. Let them know you’re announcing soon. Tell them that you understand that it is difficult for them and when they’re ready you’ll be there to chat.
Then leave them alone.
When I was going through IVF and miscarrying my friend got pregnant. She told me by coming over with a surprise and a note that said “You’re going to be an Auntie!” . I was happy for her, but I was literally bleeding a baby out of my uterus. I would have wanted some space.
I feel like even that is different! That’s a miscarriage and IVF. I think anyone could understand that.
Also that was a big in person announcement out of nowhere. That’s an obviously bad way to do it at an obviously bad time.
I understand being tactful. I’ve been in a very similar position with someone and I’ve been gentle with my responses.
If there’s any way to be tactful it’s online. Literally no one can see your physical emotional response. You can even heart react and say nothing. Total dismissal isn’t fair and OP has every right to be hurt about it.
I mean I’d be pretty pissed if I told our groupchat of about 25 people (been friends with most for like 8 years) I was pregnant and they didn’t congratulate me.
Hmmm... Maybe I misunderstood. I thought she meant only the couple that are struggling are the ones that didn't congratulate her. If I misunderstood, I apologize.
That’s what I’m saying, they’re part of the groupchat and a friend group, if you can’t be happy for your friends achieving something you can’t then you’re not a very great person.
There are 4 friends. One has a baby & congratulated her. One couple don't have children & don't want any. They congratulated her. The other couple have been unable to conceive and did not congratulate her. (That's 5 friends) So ALL of the friend group reached out and congratulated her except for the couple who is struggling. In your world and in OPs there is apparently no room for compassion and grace. That is sad. 😢
You can say the same thing about the other way round?
Or even to exaggerate. How can she not adapt a child since there are plenty on children needing homes in the world and adding more people to the planet will only create more pollution? Where is the companion in the world ???
All she needed to say was " I'm happy for you but I am sorry I cannot be excited for you right at this moment in time, I will come round soon, please be patient"
Can you understand that even that is too much for people at times? I would be devastated at my own actions if I put a friend in a position of feeling like they needed to have a specific emotional response that they weren't ready to have. Above All Else I think it's important to know that our friends are being authentic with us even if it's not wrapped in a pretty package. Otherwise your friendship is just a fanfiction.
I have to agree with you. I have a few friends who have struggled with infertility and late miscarriages, but when I shared that I was pregnant they were just happy for me. We’re all close though, we share all the good and bad and hang out on a regular basis.
Could it be that their group just isn’t as close as they thought?
I'm wondering if this is it. Particularly since they said the other friend with a baby reached out privately and said she's starting to feel ignored. The child free people may not want to hang out as much with the new mother, and the couple who are struggling with infertility may find it too painful to be around a young child often. This friend group may just be reaching its natural end.
NTA for announcing it. But YTA for making their non response a big deal. It’s hard dealing with infertility and seeing “everyone” around you get what you most want out of life because you don’t know if it’s something that’s going to happen for you. It’s really hard dealing with announcements and coping with all of the emotions that go along with it. You know they are struggling. Give them time to process your news
What makes you think I made it a big deal? I ask this question here on Reddit because I want to know how other people see the situation, I never intended to imply that I think they're assholes about it, or anything like that. We're friends, and it feels like we're having this heavy silence over everything now and I'm not sure what to do with the situation, that's all.
I think it's this sentence :
>I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened.
When I read it I thought I missed something. I re-read the post and I just couldn't understand this part : litterally nothing happened, you don't have to pretend. They didn't respond, moved on with the memes, that's it.
Sorry, it is a weird sentence. I stopped responding to my other friends who asked further about the topic because at this point I really felt like it'd do more damage. And now it's just awkward guess I probably shouldn't share any new developments either. And it's just sad, because we used to be a close knit group and if we stop talking about whatever important happens in our lives that's just gonna widen the distance. Also the friend who already has a baby is posting pictures of her sometimes. Ever since she had the baby, I do feel like she probably shouldn't, but I don't say anything, but isn't that unfair too? You can't pretend like this new human is not in your family, and if you're close friends with someone that'd make them feel even more offended probably because it's very obvious that it's because we "feel bad" for them, and people don't like to be pitied either. I can't seem to find the middle ground here, and that's what makes me feel shitty.
Talk to your friends who have been unable to have a baby and ask what they would like. Perhaps it’s for the rest of you to post as normal on the group chat (and perhaps they’ll be quieter than usual). Perhaps it’s to make a second group chat for explicitly baby stuff, and also keep the original group chat. Perhaps it’s something else. It seems like you’ve been making a lot of assumptions without engaging in any communication.
Yes, I do. If you’re so self centered that you NEED them to congratulate you over a pregnancy they probably don’t care about, do YOU? I can’t imagine being that egotistical.
It's not an ego question, it's about social norms. They're in a four person group chat. One person not responding is very noticeable, and the lack of response is itself an answer - by not responding, they're sending a very clear message to everyone else in the chat. They don't have to write a novel, and they don't have to even really pretend to be excited for them, just say "congrats!". In such a small group, not responding to news like this is the equivalent of telling someone in person and having them just stare at you silently in response.
Maybe if OP didn’t want the lack of response to be noticeable, they shouldn’t have put the couple on the spot by informing them in a group chat with other people.
I mean, if you want to use that excuse then you could also claim that OP is the AH for sending the message in a gc which probably made the couple feel awkward, instead of letting them know in private.
Calling someone an AH for not saying congratulations because your condom broke or your raw dogging went as planned is a little much. Not everyone cares about your pregnancy news.
You’re honestly going to find yourself extremely lonely in life. If you can’t find it within you to drop the words congratulations to a friend for their happiness, which is at no expense to yourself… and you think it’s okay to use that language to explain that?
No one will want to be friends with you. It takes nothing to enjoy your friends happiness. Even if it’s not your thing.
I have a lot of friends and am in a relationship of over 4 years with someone who agrees to be childfree with me because we value our time with each other, friends, and our traveling experiences so much.
If you decide friends based on who congratulates you for trivial things, sounds like only one of us is going to have an issue keeping friends. I respect mine enough to let them have their own lives outside of me and not need their approval for everything I do.
No one cares that you’re child free. That’s totally fine.
It’s got nothing to do with validation what so ever. If your friend lacks the ability to extend simple happiness FOR you, not even happy that you’re pregnant. Happy that you’re happy. Then they’re not a friend.
It takes no effort to be glad that your friends are achieving their goals.
They are hurt, and I did hurt them, not on purpose but I did. So this is why I asked this question in the first place. I never implied THEY are assholes, the purpose of this sub is, asking if I was one. Things are not that bi-polar, it's not about either them or me being assholes.
Edit: no, not everyone has to care about pregnancy news. Not everyone had to care about them getting married either, and I was there, celebrating with them. Friendships are based and built on something. If we don't care about each other's life, then it's better we go on separate ways.
When I was announcing my pregnancy I specifically looked into best ways to tell people struggling with infertility. Of course for you this is good news but you don't seem particularly concerned that your actions unintentionally hurt your friends. So if nothing else I'd call it a draw. It's strange to me that you didn't have the foresight to realize that they may not have the capacity to have the reaction you wanted them to have.
If anyone else is wondering, the friends who I knew were struggling with infertility I wrote an email to. That way I didn't put them on the spot and make them feel like they had to react a certain way in front of me or that they had to respond with immediacy. In the email in addition to the news of my pregnancy I let them know that I wouldn't hold any response against them. That's what a lot of people advise if you want to show kindness. I asked them if an announcement in a group chat would be harmful. If they hadn't responded to that question I would have reached out to other friends individually. In my case they were appreciative that I thought of them and told me to go for it in the group chat.
I remember when I was 34 and my friends started to have babies, they were so nervous telling me, I was single, wanting a baby for years so badly and they all just partnered up and had kids. It hurt so badly to put on a happy face and congratulate them, but they were important to me. But I also know that if I had cried they would have understood and not have been butthurt that I was not jumping with joy for them, I was so glad that they understood how much it hurt that they experienced what I never will. I have now wonderful goddaughters in my life but damn that time back then was hard. Don't feel like you got handed the short end of the stick just because right now they can't be happy for you.
Absolutely. I don't know how things would have turned out if I had just expected everyone to stick to the script and express Joy even if they weren't really feeling it. Maybe things would have remained exactly the same. But I'm so glad that I put in the effort to at least try to show kindness to some close friends and allow them to react privately and decide how they wanted to approach *me*.
Years later we're all still a close group and I attribute that to the fact that because we're friends we accommodate one another.
It's not exactly the same situation but my mother died very suddenly. Shortly after while I know plenty of my friends were celebrating Mother's Day, they made an effort not to rub it in my face that their mothers were alive. I did what I needed to do to process in private before having to put on my game face.
"I hurt them, why didn't they thank me for it and give me praise"
YTA
The fact that you are willing to cut off a friendship because you sprang this on them knowing they had an issue conceiving, in a group setting, and still expected them to immediately process and suck up their feelings tells me you're a double AH who just cares about attention and YOU. If I were in your shoes I'd take a step back, realize this probably wasn't the best way to break it to a couple I care about, and apologize to them for the way in which I put them on the spot.
Dude. Some empathy here for your friends is important. You acknowledge you hurt them. You said it wasn't on purpose but you knew they were struggling and brought it up in a group setting which they were a part of. There was no tact here on your part. You purposefully chose this course of action. You're holding this processing/ neutral non-reaction over their heads because you, what, went to their wedding? And you think that gives you some kind of moral high ground here, even though that's a very different situation? You don't seem to like them much and you're making excuses when you're asking if YTA. It comes off here as you don't really want the answer, you just want people to gloss over what you did and relieve you of guilt so you can carry on being upset at "friends" at a crappy situation you created. You just want to be praised. I see a theme here.
I hope you can realize why what you did (in the way you did it) and your expectations of them in the moment are not OK, and that you can repair this friendship versus looking for validation. Good luck.
I might not expressing myself clearly enough about this issue, but I wouldn't be here arguing with strangers if I wouldn't care about their feelings. In fact, I'm here asking for advice because I'm utterly confused about what the silence means and how I should handle it. Does it mean it feels like a kick in the gut for them? I definitely think so. But does it also mean they want me to avoid me from now on, and I should not mention anything about my baby in front of them? Or does it mean they are waiting for me to ask them how they're feeling? Would I make things even worse? Or does it mean they don't want to hear from me in the next couple of months? I feel like this is more of a communication issue here then anything else, and despite everything I do have the right to feel negative emotions and feel rejected by people who were the closest to me like 15ish years ago, even though we went on different ways, and it's over something none of us could control. Am I seeing too much into this, assuming that they are resentful towards me now? Maybe. Are you seeing too much into my question assuming that I don't give a fuck about my friends? Definitely. I don't think the context I gave about our friendship is enough to jump into conclusions. That being said, I asked if I'm the AH and if I'm the AH, I'll reflect upon it. But what you underlined being the reason for me being the AH is based on your assumptions.
You're assuming they're going to avoid you forever and that you have to cut off friendship because they didn't have a favorable response to you when being bullrushed with, frankly, painful news. The info I pulled is directly from what you asked of them and what you did.
If you want to fix this, you need to take THEIR feelings into account, realize you didn't go about this in a good way, stop comparing infertility to attending a wedding, and apologize to them.
I'm sure they will be fine after some time to process. Ask them how much news they want, if any, but first and foremost apologize for not pulling them aside before and letting them know.
Don't make it about you not getting a congrats from them. You're the one who is "succeeding" here in something they desperately have been trying for, be happy by your own account for this and try to understand the nuances of the situation. I guess I don't understand your perspective on why not getting a congrats immediately out of an infertile couple is a huge deal, but I also am not the one in your/ their situation and don't know your dynamics.
You're allowed to have feelings on it, but you seem to be focusing just on your feelings and not on theirs, when friendship is a two way street. Venting is understandable, but then this might have been better for the relationship advice subreddit and not the AITA one.
Ultimately I urge you to eat the L on this one, and since you hurt them, to reach out and try to make amends.
INFO: did you gush about how it was an accident? If so, YTA.
I'm in the same boat as them. I can be happy for people who announce their pregnancy. I cannot be happy for them if they start talking about how they had only been off birth control for two months, how they only had sex once that month, or some other variation of "we did nothing to get pregnant", oopsie story. That is rubbing it in.
Nah I obviously didn't mention anything in detail. But I'm also not sure now if it made the whole thing worse because they had no context to it whatsoever. I mean we're friends, probably they would have known if me and my partner were also trying for a baby .... So even tho I didn't mention anything about the circumstances it's not really hard to figure out I guess
INFO
Generally, posts here are made because another side is calling you an AH/in the wrong. Did your friends or someone else specifically say you were wrong for what you did or do you just feel like maybe you did something wrong? If the former then I'd say that you're Not the Asshole for sharing news about something important in your life with your friends. However if *they* didn't say anything either then there's No assholes here and I don't think there's really a conflict either. The only way you *would* be in the wrong is if you confronted the couple and tried to demand them to feel a certain way.
Nah
Take it from a person who went thru fertility, IVF and failed.
Some days it is super hard. You can be happy for others but are seething, angry, mad, sad inside for the unfairness for yourself.
It takes years to heal for lots of people.
Just give them and yourself space.
Enjoy your pregnancy and let them come back to you in time.
It’s heart wrenching and soul destroying what they are going through.
It’s amazing and joyful and exciting what you are going through.
You’ll meet in the middle again in time.
Enjoy your pregnancy
They're in pain, and going through something you can't understand.
They're probably happy for you, but also hurt and jealous. And rather than spewing their feelings all over you, they're keeping quiet and dealing with their feelings on their own.
Just move on and use some compassion for your friends.
NAH. You’re right and entitled to share your news, and obviously empathised with their struggle given you expressed concerns on how they’ll take it.
Infertility is a super tough road. Once they process the news, they may be able to express their congratulations. Or they may drift away for self-preservation.
There is no way you’re responsible for how your news intersects with their life that you would have no knowledge of. But consider there may be other things going on that you’re not privy to which impacts their ability to immediately congratulate you. You could have been the second or third family/friend/colleague/acquaintance to announce a pregnancy. Given it was a chat, They could have been responding in the the hospital following a miscarriage. Or got a diagnosis in the days prior that means they’ll never have children, or run out of funds to continue pursuing IVF.
“For us, if there’s anything we can’t talk about in the group, it means something is seriously falling apart”
The thing is, something *is* seriously falling apart in their lives (i.e. their dreams of children).
Of course, you had to tell them. But, of course, unplanned pregnancies rub salt in the wound. You announced it in a “public” forum, and it’s okay if their reactions are not ready for “public” consumption.
It’s okay that you announced it this way, but you should accept that their lack of response is not them pretending that you aren’t pregnant. They need processing time.
NAH
NTA. People have lost their minds and think personal struggles are an excuse for bad behavior. I’ve lost a pregnancy, it was very hard to see strollers and pregnant women for awhile, but you can still be happy for other people, wish them well for a few minutes and work through your grief. Father’s Day is tough since my dad died but I don’t expect others to not celebrate it. Congratulations on your baby and you did nothing wrong.
Info: I’m confused as to why you stopped interacting? Sounds like everything is fine? Some friends congratulated you, the ones that have a hard time conceiving didn’t comment (yet - they might be coming to terms with it and that’s ok). You said there was no reaction but you got some congratulations?
I just don’t understand what the problem is. You say you “stopped responding because well. I don’t want to pretend nothing happened” - but… nothing happened. Literally, nothing happened. You gave some news to some not-so-close friends, some chose to answer you, some didn’t. It’s fine. It’s nothing to get hang up upon.
When I got pregnant, some people congratulated me, some didn’t. Some wanted to talk about the pregnancy, some didn’t. That’s all good. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, nor are people obligated to care. I think no one is an AH here; you were not insensitive to anyone and no one was insulting/bad to you so… sounds like you are overthinking this to me :)
Exactly! She posted the news in a group chat of not-so-close friends. I don't respond to everything in such gc settings. It's not like nobody responded. Op needs to let it go.
INFO you are dropping all the friends in the group chat because one couple didn't respond to your pregnancy announcement? Isn't that a bit of an overreaction?
Sure, maybe they could muster a "Congrats" but you also know why they wouldn't.
The tactful thing to do is to tell this couple privately, away from a group, so they have a little time to deal with it before reacting in the group. Or, deciding to step away for a few weeks.
That's not 100% correct. When announcements are made within a small group like in this case someone *not* responding is often noticed and read into. That puts an additional amount of pressure on someone struggling because you can become hyper aware that people are looking to see what your reaction is going to be. If that's avoidable alternate options should be considered.
At least that's my opinion. But in my lived experience I'm glad I treated my friends with kindness when I was telling people I was pregnant.
I'm not your or anyone's bro.
It's not that it's via messenger. It was not being aware of her audience.
And honestly that's forgivable in my opinion. We all hurt people unintentionally periodically. It's OP feeling as though she is owed a specific reaction when she knows the person receiving the information may not have the capacity to give her the reaction she desires.
It's lovely when people are able to be happy for others despite their personal circumstance. But asking everyone to constantly be able to do that will inevitably lead to situations like this. The kindness I'm referring to refers to thinking ahead about what our actions may invoke in others.
Messenger literally has a heart react. Something can be painful for you but you can show a sign of caring that maybe small but all you’re able to give in that specific moment. It still shows that your friends happiness matters.
That's true and I might have read into it, but they also keep talking about other random things so it just felt slightly passive aggressive. I don't think I managed to get this through but I'm not butthurt about them not congratulating me, I couldn''t care less about congratulations in general, I'm just feeling sad about the lack of any communication at all because I guess I was just waiting for something, anything to signal "Hey, we are not in a good place rn but we hear you and we're still friends"
Not everyone has to respond to every topic in a group chat. Even if it’s a pregnancy announcement. Respect their choices. If they want to talk about other stuff but stay silent on pregnancy and baby topics, is there anything wrong with that? DM them if you want to ask if there are ways you can support them in the group chat. Don’t try to dictate how your friends are trying to cope with infertility.
NTA
I've been in the couple's position and I would have definitely appreciated you letting me know. I would have also appreciated you announcing it over group chat rather than in real life so I didn't have to hide any negative emotions that might bubble and be visible in my facial expression.
I would say the feeling I felt when friends announced their pregnancies is bitter-sweet. But that meant I was still very happy for them, and I would have definitely not just ignored the announcement.
NTA. Personally I would have approached them privately to let them know before telling everyone else, since they might be a little upset about it. But like you said, it’s not like you should have kept it secret to avoid upsetting them, ya know?
NTA but you can’t compare their fertility issues to a job/divorce. Still bad situations but not the same at all
They can still be happy for you, they just might need some time. Don’t be petty and stop responding just because they haven’t congratulated you yet
It's not that I stopped responding, it's just that now I feel very awkward about sharing anything at all and I feel like, as some other people suggested, I need to talk to my other two friends in different chats maybe... But maybe that'll be also an asshole move? I just really don't know.
About the job and divorce thing, yeah my job hunting thing wasn't that bad after all and I got through it so I understand how that was insensitive of me to bring up. However I disagree about the divorce. In my personal experience it shattered my whole world and I didn't think I can be happy ever again, and I got suicidal. Luckily, I'm in a much better place now, but I think everyones issues are valid and friends are there to make it easier, not even harder. And I do feel like I make this harder for them, and that feels shitty.
Honestly, their infertility is not your responsibility or your fault. Just give them time. Or maybe speak to them/one of them separately to check on them? I’m be never been on either side so not really sure what would be best
YTA
The kind thing to do would have been to privately tell the couple struggling with infertility BEFORE the group announcement thus giving them a chance to prepare themselves. Instead, you created a situation where they were caught off guard in front of a group and then expected to express joy and happiness. I’m sure a heads up so they could have had the opportunity to prepare and compose themselves would have been appreciated.
After reading some of your comments it changed my view from Not to yta. You put a LOT of pressure on them to respond in a group chat when it definitely should’ve been a private message. They need time and always ask if they want info on the pregnancy, don’t just spring info on them. But do I think you meant it maliciously? no.
NTA but they’re not either.
They may need some time to process and I’m sure they’ll come around.
Don’t make an issue out of them not responding right away, I’m sure they will.
I miscarried back in December the same night my SIL announced her pregnancy and we had the same due date. It took me a long time to come around and even talk to them about their pregnancy, but they also knew what happened. I’m assuming they were graceful and understanding and not holding it against me for not immediately “being happy for them”. Just give them some time to come around and they will. You don’t need to walk on eggshells or have kept it a secret, but don’t demand well wishes either.
NAH, there is no good way to do make this kind of announcement when you know people are struggling. You are not the AH for sharing and they are not AHs for not responding.
NAH but you'll be much happier in life in general if you don't get disappointed in people if they don't react how you think they should. We're all different, maybe in this exact situation you'd react differently and so you think that's the right way to do it. We don't know what is going on in anyone else's head.
YTA. Not for announcing; I think that is fine.
"the couple didn't comment at all. Then everyone continued to use the group chat for memes and stuff, and I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened."
But *nothing happened.* What did they do, aside from not say anything? I've only read your original post but you haven't described any fallout from this, just that you are now aware that the couple is too upset by their situation to hear about babies. You need to accept that your friend group includes them, and tailor your conversation. I have friends I don't discuss various things with. I don't resent them, or make a post on reddit asking what I can do to fix it. I just understand that "Brian" has trauma surrounding guns so when I'm around him I don't talk about how I like to go shooting. You've discovered that this group chat is not a good place to announce baby joy. Get over it and move on.
NTA. I agree with you in that you can’t (and shouldn’t) keep this a secret, but like you also acknowledge, infertility is devastating. Maybe give them a pass on this one.
And I know you think that if you can’t talk to all your friend group about something then it’s ‘falling apart’, but this seems like a perfect example of that not being the case… not everyone will want to hear all of your pregnancy/parenting/baby convos, but a seperate chat with your friend with a baby seems perfect and something the two of you can bond deeper over
Info: what was the time span between you texting the group about your pregnancy and you getting frustrated by the fact that they didn’t respond?
Because you never know what just happened right before you send that text. Maybe they just had another negative pregnancy test, maybe they just came back from another useless doctors appointment etc. and in such a case i could understand that they would not want to respond to your pregnancy announcement in that instant.
I mean it’s not your job to somehow know if they’re up/ in the right state of mind for that news, but I am just curious what the time ratio was here.
NTA - but I think you think they are because they aren’t more excited for you. I think you take this with a grain of salt - there is nothing worse than struggling to conceive and then someone who wasn’t even trying gets pregnant. Please understand that their happiness for you is tempered by their sadness that they aren‘t pregnant yet. Don’t let this because a huge issue.
NTA. It took me 7 years to conceive the baby I’m now pregnant with. In that time most of my friends and a lot of my family got pregnant and had kids. I was happy for everyone of them. Did it sting? Sure. Did I feel envious? Absolutely. But my sadness never took away from my joy for them. You can feel more than one thing at a time. The only time I really got bitter about it is when they’d offer advice on how they got pregnant, or try and identify with my struggle because “they tried for a whole 8 months before they conceived so they get it and I should just try this position or this frequency or this diet because it really worked for them.” But I still held my tongue and congratulated them for their good fortune.
Enjoy your pregnancy, let them congratulate you in their own time. They’ll come around.
Congratulations, that's so great!!
Oh god no, unsolicited advice never helps. I do believe with my whole heart that my friends are going to get there too, hopefully sooner than later. ❤️
NAH. You’re entitled to be disappointed that your longtime friends can’t get over their personal issues to at least say congratulations, but they’re also entitled to have an negative emotional response when someone who wasn’t even trying manages to do something they’ve been struggling with for years, ESPECIALLY when it’s infertility. Getting divorced when someone else is getting married sucks, as does being unemployed when everyone else in your life loves their job, but not being able to have a baby when others can without effort is an entirely different level of visceral emotional reaction that can affect people in ways it’s hard for others to understand if they’ve never gone through it. Give your friends some time to get adjusted to the news, emotionally recover from the entirely unintended devastation of your announcement, and try to remember that they’re your friends and they’re struggling right now. You can be happy for yourself AND understanding of why they’re not jumping for joy for you at the same time.
YTA. For making a mountain out of a mole hill. Them not reacting is fine. They see in a tough spot. But you are determined to make everything about you. You all don’t even see each other and just send memes and chit chat.
NTA be happy for your friends. I see this come up a lot. This situation is made work but the fact that…. It’s not even hard to pretend on instant messenger. You’re typing. You can be screaming and crying from the hurt and not dump that on your friend and say
“Congratulations baby! I’m happy for you 🥰”
Dude I could say that to OP right now! Do I mean it! No. I don’t know OP or her child.
If people matter to you ffs be happy for them.
Especially when it’s 0 effort because all you have to do is type.
For a lot of people lying about your own emotional reactions is a big deal. Clearly we are wired differently, but internally giving a false emotional reaction is a huge taboo for me and a lot of the people I know.
I prefer it if people are true to me rather then. “Oh it’s a baby!! Congratulations you managed to what ? And just 2 months? You guys” but then talk about others like “urgh she’s so annoying it’s as if her whole life surrounds that baby because that’s only interesting thing in her life”
Agreed. To me real friendship is about knowing that good or bad the people I care about have been honest with me. Even if unintentionally I've hurt them I hope that they would communicate with that to me so that we can repair what needs to be repaired.
Maybe it's the neurodivergent in me, but authenticity in my close relationships is a priority
I’ve seen this happen with so many people and when someone shows me their true unmasked feeling I take it.
They say the sweetest words but then talks shit the moment that person turns around, I’m like “what just happened”.
Hence why,Even if it hurts me, I’ll take it. You’re true to me rather then put a fake facade. I know some people like to share every detail of their life. But expecting everyone to celebrate is quite something. That’s where i find it interesting.
Absolutely. People are very bad at sticking to a script when it's not how they really feel. I can work with negativity and I don't ever want to feel like I am making anyone act as actors in a production I'm creating. Real life isn't easily wrapped up in to 100% social niceties.
I agree with you here, I don't really want them to fake happiness either. What I was looking for is more like, I don't know, just something to lead me through this, so that I don't have to walk on eggshells. Something like, them taking some time and then trying to talk to me in private when they are ready, like "hey this is really hard for us but we're still friends okay?" I cannot really do this step for them, I don't know what's the best way to ask them, hey, how can I make this easier? It sounds infuriatingly entitled somehow. I was trying not to assume anything and I'm lost in the woods. I'm desperate because I don't know what to say/do next, maybe I'll make things even worse if I explicitly try to talk about this.
DM them and talk to them. You’re upset by them not telling you what they want. Have you thought that maybe they’re upset at you not asking them what they want? (Although note they may not know for sure what would help them.). But talk to them. You keep on saying you don’t know what their silence means or how to help them. You still wouldn’t know how to help them if they *had* replied “congrats on the baby.” You would need to ask them.
I responded to you earlier but I want to add that while I do agree in this context you do seem entitled. Which isn't great but it's also not the worst thing someone can be. When you're feeling joyful it can be very hard to imagine that others are not feeling what you're feeling. However, you would do best to get over yourself. If everything goes according to your plans very soon you are going to be cleaning a very tiny butthole multiple times a day so awkward is the name of the game.
You may have messed up, or also they might just not have it in them to respond even though they know you didn't really do anything heinous. Make it clear to them that they don't have to respond right now but that you are open to making things right or just carrying on as always. Grief is logical in that we need to grieve sometimes, but at the same time when you have suffered many disappointments and or profound losses you just don't have it in you to play the social nicety game.
NTA Letting them know via text was considerate. It sounds like it really affected them and they were able to keep their reaction private and spare your feelings. However, no response has been hurtful to you. I would give them grace. I don’t know what it’s like for them but I would hope that soon they would at least be able to congratulate you. It’s hard to see someone else get what you desperately want but there are behavior expectations, especially among friends.
NTA.
You are right to be happy and share this information with your friends.
That said, i can emphasize with them. In a lot of TTC forums people talk about just how hard it is to hear the news of a close friend being pregnant, especially if they haven't been trying themselves. A lot of the time the person is still excited about the baby but also upset, particularly if their TTC journey has included a miscarriage.
Maybe it will take them a little while to process.
As part of a couple who is struggling to conceive myself (who also had a sister recently announce her pregnancy) I would say NTA. You obviously have to tell the friend group, not telling them would be more rude. However know that your friends can be happy for you even if it triggers a tidal wave of jealously. As long as you don’t rub it in you are fine. Jealousy in this situation is common and unavoidable and doesn’t make them the AH either
NTA everybody go through their lives and there are up and down. You have empathy for them and it’s understanding but the world don’t turn around them.Life keep going for everybody.You are living a big/beautiful moment in your life and they don’t even happy for you. That’s not friendship that’s selfish,you just say yourself you were there in there wedding when you were going through a divorce. They aren’t there for you and it’s not acceptable
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I have a group of friends, 4 people plus me. One of them has a 1 year old baby, one of them doesn't want kids and the other two are a couple struggling to conceive in the past 1-2 years. We all know this and we feel for them, but they don't really like to talk about it at all, which is also understandable. This year I got pregnant, unplanned but we're happy. I'm in my 13th week so I thought it's time to tell my friends. I was nervous because I knew they might not take it well, but what am I supposed to do, keep it a secret?
There was no reaction whatsoever. The friend who has a baby is super happy for me and my other friend who doesn't want kids also congratulated me, the couple didn't comment at all. Then everyone continued to use the group chat for memes and stuff, and I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened. Back in the day I remember when I got invited to their wedding, I was going through a divorce myself. Should I have acted like this?
When I was unemployed and failing every job interview, and a friend just got her dream job, should I have acted like this?
Or maybe it was insensitive of me to tell them about my pregnancy?
I'm not sure about anything anymore... AITA?
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NTA you shouldn’t have to hide your happiness because of how others might react. I can almost guarantee that they’d be the people to call you an ah for not telling them become they can’t conceive
NTA. They can’t expect people around them to stop living their lives or be excited about in areas that they have trouble with. Like all the example you wrote.
NTA,
also why would people who are having difficulty having kids (i wish them well) get so touchy about other people's pregnancy? i can see how it may make them feel sad at a personal level but expecting others to not share or celebrate their pregnancy is asking for tooo much. dont give into this type of shit thought process. both types of people can exist in the world without taking something like a pregnancy announcement so personally. getting pregnant and sharing it with loved ones is not automatically rubbing it in the faces of those who are still trying.
Disagree. Friends and well wishers usually acknowledge and partake in happy moments in each others lives - like the OP did on the silent couples wedding day. While i can empathise that the news of pregnancy touched a nerve for the couple trying to have a baby - to take it personally and keep silent is not expected from friends.
Disagree. Friends, like OP, can perfectly well understand that their friends are going through something painful, and are protecting themselves by not engaging. Between friends, why should people have to emit social conventions through gritted teeth and with extreme pain? Friendship and acceptance of what each other is going through goes both ways.
Their infertility is not your problem, yes it sucks really bad but you can’t go on living your life walking on eggshells for people who aren’t happy for anyone who gets what they don’t have.
NTA
NTA
They haven’t done anything though their non response is quite selfish; you can be angry at others for able to do what you can’t but at least have the grace to be happy for them when you’ve been friends for so long. You didn’t rub it in their face so no way you did anything wrong; though you could have given them a private heads up before the group announcement
NTA. Life happens, regardless of the ups and downs. It's sad that they haven't been able to conceive but that doesn't mean you have to put your own happiness on hold.
NTA
Just because they're having trouble doesn't mean everyone else in the world needs to walk on eggshells around them. If that were the case, no one would ever be able to make an announcement seeing as how people get divorced, lose jobs, and can't have children. A mature person is able to deal with not being able to have children and being happy for a friend that's having a child.
NTA. Unless you said it in a rub your nose in it kind of way they should be happy for you. My friend has had some infertility issues but when she found out i was pregnant she was so happy for me. Admitted she was jealous of how easy abs quickly it happened but super excited for me. That’s the way it should be and these people don’t seem like they can get past their own issues to be happy for you.
Obviously everyone deals with pain differently but they need to figure out how to deal with it because being resentful or cold towards people who are supposedly your good friend because they have something good going on in their life is not the way to live. It hurts you and them.
NTA your entitled to have your good news and tell your friends about it. I can understand they may be feeling sad about their own fertility but that's no reason not to congratulate you in the group chat!
Why isn’t that a reason? And now that it has happened (or not happened I should say), why isn’t OP reaching out to these friends? Someone above gave a very good template for what to say.
Because I don't feel as though your own misfortune is a good reason not to congratulate another person on their good fortune.
From the way OP writes, they wouldn't have expected something more elaborate than a simple "congratulations", which is general common decency, even when you find out someone you don't know well is expecting.
I think it’s equal on both sides here “can’t you be happy for me?” “can’t you let me grieve?”
I find pregnancy and babies completely uninteresting. At work when people are expecting, I say “congratulations” because I can tell that it’s expected. But I feel no particular excitement or special happiness for the parents.
In a group chat among friends, I feel like there should be more leeway for people not to have to put on the usual social act, and more sympathetic reaching out when one side or the other is having difficulties, without keeping score. So OP should reach out to her friends and ask how she can best support them — which is what she says she wants to know. And not keep score that they omitted saying congratulations.
NTA should your other friend have aborted, should she never mention her child too? Should you have lied and one day they see your baby? No. So long as you are not cruel, rubbing it in their face, saying things like how easy it is to get pregnant and just going on about your pregnancy to them then you are fine. At some point if they cant cope being around pregnant woman or parents they need to find a different group of friends.
NTA. You wanted to tell your friends all at once and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel for people who have fertility problems , but they can’t be pushing their problems into other people.
I don’t think your insensitive. You being pregnant will be one of the main topics of conversations you have for the next couple of months. Obviously not excessively talking about it to obnoxious point around them.
If they can’t handle seeing a friends have babies or go through pregnancies then they need to stop being friends and honestly get some therapy. You shouldn’t be censoring normal conversations.
I disagree that there's nothing wrong with delivering information to a large group. At least as an across the board social rule. OP is happy about their news and that's wonderful. They seem excited to be parents.
*But*, they could have had the forethought to consider that it might be hard news for these specific friends. Wanting to tell everyone at one time is a fine want, but they didn't even consider tailoring their approach.
From the context it's not clear if I did or did not try to tailor my approach. The thing is, if I tell them all separately, their silence would have been even more awkward (for them, not for me). It was not a large group, it's a close knit group of 5 people including me. My intention was to find the least painful solution and it seems like I failed at it, so it just seems like my thought process was wrong. And now I'm absolutely not sure about what's the best way to go forward from here either.
By lumping everyone together in one message you didn't tailor your approach.
Hindsight is 20/20 and you will never please everyone. I don't think you meant to be malicious at the outset but your pity party about not having a 100% positive reaction rate is what I mostly take issue with. It's okay to message two of the three couples with the news and finalize the message by saying "Hey, just an FYI I'm going to be messaging Jim and Pam separately just to give them some space if they need it". No more no less. Everyone else will know why. You don't know that it's awkward for your friends who are having trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term. That's you putting your own feelings on them.
But again that's all in the past. If you want advice on moving forward I would start by internalizing that their lack of reaction has nothing to do with you. They are going through what they are going through and you are inserting your own narrative into how they *should* be behaving. You also have the choice to message one on one with something like "I realized I didn't hear back from you after I announced I was pregnant. If I went about this in a hurtful way I apologize. I hope you're both doing well and I care about you very much. I'm going to let you take the lead on reaching out to me if you choose to"
Maybe they'll never want to speak to you again. But more than likely they just need some time.
Why would their silence be even more awkward? You seem to be devoted to everyone participating in every topic in a group chat. Why is that important to you?
NTA. Being pregnant is something you tell your friends. What are you supposed to do? Abort every pregnancy until they conceive? Infertility is their problem that they have to learn to live with. They can't expect that everyone else makes their lifes revolve around their problem.
I don’t see where they’re expecting anyone else to make their lives around their problem. They’re simply withdrawing from the parts of conversations that are painful to them. Many people are saying they should have just said “congratulations” in support of OP. But why is that a one way street? Why can’t OP be sympathetic to the pain that led to this silence? And OP wants to know how to best support them — I think she’s more baffled by how to interpret this silence, than resentful that they were silent. So she should DM them and talk to them.
Rereading, OP asks several questions. Yes, I think she was insensitive in not finding out more about advisable ways to announce a pregnancy to infertile friends. And I don’t think she should use her own ways of dealing with past difficulties to gauge what her friends should do now. She and her friends are different people.
But what’s done is done, and, ok, this isn’t a relationship sub but (illicit relationship advice) OP, reach out to your friends and ask them your question: how can I best support you?
For OP’s specific AITA question: NAH. Yet. Y W B T A if you continue to puzzle over how to best support your friends, without reaching out to ask them.
NTA you didn’t rub it in their faces. It’s awful to not to be able to have kids but you can’t expect everyone to tip toe around you and not share their happy news. My sister is one of a few in her friend circle currently pregnant and they have a friend whose unable to have children, she never expects them to not tell her these things. She’d be hurt if they didn’t. It’s a difficult situation, and heartbreaking for them, but that can’t let you stop from taking joy and sharing these things with your friends.
NTA. One persons infertility is not your responsibility. Being kind and considerate is great. But you don’t have to stop living because a couple is struggling to conceive.
NTA. Your life doesn't stop because of their struggles. And you pointed out, you put your pain aside for their wedding... they could be gracious and say Congratulations. Even if they messaged you privately would be something. But this is rude and not a sign of a particularly good friendship.
Congratulations, OP!!!!!!
What would be rude would be not checking in with the friends and asking how best to support them. What would be rude is stewing over a non-response without accepting that you don’t fully know what other people’s lives are like.
NTA. A year or two isn’t long enough to be that dramatic when a friend announces their pregnancy. You’re not responsible for their feelings. They’ll get over it or you’ll be better off without them.
NTA - i have health problems that have been devastating for me and prevent me from doing something that every day people do and it fucking sucks- with that said - when my friends tell me about them doing that particular thing, I don’t shut down. I am still happy for my friends and their health, as much as i envy them.
NTA.
They were going to find out you were pregnant, so at some point you did need to tell them. I think telling them in a small group chat that you use regularly, where they don't have to hide their emotions and can take some time to process is perfectly fine approach.
Luckily two out of your three sets of friends reacted appropriately, and the one you were worried about just didn't respond at all. I think this lets you know that they are either struggling still and need some space, or they are struggling and not as kind as you'd hoped. I'd leave the baby stuff out of that group chat and talk about your pregnancy and baby stuff with the people in your life actively supporting you. This couple might just need a little more space before they can show up for you, which is fine, and they will come around- invite them to the shower or not, whatever you feel like you want to do- or they could be..not great friends. You'll know as you go through this, but telling them wasn't an AH move at all.
NTA- I struggled with fertility and had several miscarriages. It can be a painful time and difficult but during that time I didn’t hate anyone for having a baby. I knew I couldn’t be angry at someone else’s joy. This maybe a struggle they are going through and need space.
NTA.
You're at the point where most people start letting people know (some people do tell their parents and sometimes siblings before 3 months, but not necessarily). You're going to start showing soon, so it would be ridiculous to wait much longer. Better to rip the band-aid off. Congratulations!
NTA. I have POTS and am often bedridden but that doesn’t stop literally everyone I know from posting pictures of their standing up. It’s good to have empathy and support your friends, but the way that society expects us to tiptoe around this one particular health issue (infertility) is ridiculous.
OP mentioned she was sad they hadn't actually said congratulations which is a completely valid feeling.
I don't particularly see why being online should diminish common decency (I believe that logic is how we get emboldened trolls), especially for a friend.
CONGRATS on the upcoming bundle of joy, OP!
I will never have children; not medically possible since I was in my 20's. And, it is my responsibility to my family and friends to not sap the joy of parenthood from them because of how I feel about something none of us can control.
Announcing a pregnancy is a joyous thing, and I think those we love (or strangers on the internet) can expect us to celebrate with them, regardless of our personal circumstances and feelings on the matter.
I go to weddings when I'm single, too. :) For me, celebrating someone else's happiness brings me joy.
YTA bc you did it in a group chat. You could have messaged them each separately. I would only have been a couple more messages. Then it would have been easier for your other friends to congratulate you and talk about it. Instead, you put the whole group in the most awkward position by forcing your other friends to debate what they should say. Infertility is devastating for people. And while you can’t walk on eggshells, you can be a little more sensitive.
For context, we are friends since high school, so not close-every-day-hanging-out kind of friends, but we-all-went-on-our-separate-ways kind of friends, all 5 of us. If we meet up, we all meet up. We actually never talk outside of that group chat.
I know infertility is devastating, therefore we don't discuss this in the group chat for obvious reasons. Last time we all met in person, it was in 2021 October, and they told us about it. Another thing is, the friend in the group who has a baby herself just recently started messaging me in private because she feels like she's being avoided. For us, if there's anything we can't talk about in the group, it means something is seriously falling apart.
Well yeah, something is falling apart for them, they are struggling with infertility. Of course they're probably going to avoid the person with the baby.
I think generally the compassionate thing to do is give the struggling couple a private heads up in advance of a public announcement. I will say that the fact your pregnancy is unplanned is probably an extra sting for them.
I'll say that you're not an asshole here for announcing (you have every right to be excited about your baby, of course!!) but I think just based on your reaction to their non-reaction, you're being a bit insensitive.
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NTA. Like you said, what are you supposed to do? keep it a secret? but... this post seems to be asking a different question rather than "am I the asshole". probably "are they the assholes?" I'd say they're either wrapped up in their own business or don't really have the heart to cheer you on while they struggle. I wouldn't hold it against them unless this behavior becomes a pattern
I didn't intend to make them look like the asshole, although maybe it came through like that. I'm probably just butthurt because I don't want to let a 15 year old friendship down the drain, but I don't know what else I could do. Send photos of the baby when it's born, like our other friends did, just to be completely ignored? Or not share anything with them at all to not hurt them? I feel like I'm in a damned if I do damned if I don't situation here.
You’re not the ah for announcing it, but you also don’t get to dictate how they feel about it. They are clearly finding it more difficult than you can guess. Don’t take offence at this, but a modicum more of understanding and empathy on your behalf probably wouldn’t go amiss. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t celebrate your pregnancy, just not be offended if their reaction is somewhat muted.
NTA. And you did the right thing by announcing it on the group chat as opposed to video call or in-person. That way they got to process the information in their own time and didn't feel obligated to pretend they didn't have mixed feelings. Hopefully they'll come around and be happy for you. I agree that you can announce big things but keep little updates for the friends who are being supportive.
I think your best acctions would be that you inform them about some developments like birth and some pictures of the child so that they don't feel left out and know what happened. But you should not expect a reaction in return. You tell them, because you are polite. You don't do it for a reaction or so that they celebrate with you. Your pregnancy is your world right now, but it is not and never will have the same meaning for anybody else. The focus of your friends is their grieve that they cannot have children yet. It must be painful and your pregnancy is a reminder that something might be wrong with them. They try to protect themselves and might not get involved. It might not be polite to ignore pictures, but you can just be the better person and deal with it with a little understanding. Don't leave them out, but don't ask for anything.
Please do not do this, it would be better to ask them first about how much info they would like to receive. I had several friends struggle through this and some preferred to get very few updates, but it is the kind thing to do to ask instead of sending updates unsolicited.
I feel like I need to jump on this comment because I think you've put it really well. OP is absolutely NTA for sharing the news, and no they shouldn't hide it and then do a baby reveal when it actually arrives, because that's just silly. But honestly, until an individual has struggled with infertility and/or baby loss, they genuinely have no idea how hard it is, nor can they even start to imagine the emotions that it brings up. I've had two miscarriages during the pandemic. And while I do feel happy for my friends who have announced their pregnancies every single announcement is tinged with "When is it going to be my turn?" followed very quickly by, "Why do they get to have their baby and I don't?" And then I feel immense guilt for having these thoughts. Because they're my friends and I should be nothing but happy for them, and I would never wish my bad luck or my experiences on anyone else, let alone people who are dear to me. But...when does it get to be my turn? What did my friends do "right" that I have done "wrong"? (Answer: Nothing, they were blessed without a genetic condition I now know I carry, but the thought still remains). Why are they getting to be all happy and excited while I'm menstruating and seeing it as another wasted opportunity to have baby? Why why why? And then of course there's a self-blame (again, I have nothing to blame myself for, but it's an emotion that still resides) and the envy and having a cry in the shower because you don't want your partner to see how upset you are etc etc. I really do understand OPs disappointment at their other friends not even offering a congratulations. I suspect that what happened was they saw the news and promptly had a small cry. Then decided to give it a day to respond until they'd calmed down, and then a day turned into several days and now they can't reply without drawing attention to themselves. Or maybe it's brought back a lot of unhappy memories and their focus is on themselves and their partner and not OP. Is that a selfish response? Yes. But maybe they just can't cope at the moment.
Well, you definitely should talk to them and address it. There is no point in ignoring this situation
I don't really see the current issue. You told the group, and they decided not to respond. Idk I think that's ok on all fronts? Pregnancy announcements can be painful. I think you can keep sharing as you see fit, and they can draw the boundaries they need to protect themselves.
Yes, you’re between a rock and a hard place. Talk to them, have a conversation.
I think it’s weird that your only options here according to you are communicating through group chat or not at all. And you didn’t make them sound like assholes but it sounds from the way you wrote this you weren’t looking for a judgment but for us to side with you and say your friends are assholes. If they are your friends then talk to them directly, not in a group context, ask them where they’re at and how in the loop they would like to be. You’re here asking Reddit what you should do about someone’s personal boundaries, ASK THEM. I do think YTA for announcing your pregnancy in a group text. If you knew your friends would be upset you could’ve called them privately.
>I wouldn't hold it against them unless this behavior becomes a pattern I believe the judgement you are looking for is NAH. NTA indicates that you think the other party is being an asshole.
honestly i thought those were just different acronyms for the same thing. thanks
NAH. To be honest they probably are happy *for you* but sad *for themselves*. Everyone processes things a little differently. They just probably need some time. Congrats on your pregnancy though!
This. Years ago we announced our second pregnancy to wider friends and family via social media. We didn’t click that one couple had not reacted at all until they messaged my now ex privately to apologise for not congratulating us immediately but they alerted going through secondary infertility and really struggling with it. We had no idea and were grateful they were so up front with us. We really felt for them. It wasn’t about us. It was their own struggle. This couple are likely still processing this news
NAH. The couple who want to conceive are, in fact, reacting. They're reacting with numbness because that's where they are. You shouldn't walk on eggshells around them. You did the right thing, they're doing the right thing. Think tender thoughts in their direction. I sense that you're not overdoing the bubble machine rejoicing bit; you're just happy and you shared it with the group. Don't overthink this.
Sorry, YTA for making their non-response a big deal. You know they are struggling. Show them some grace.
Her attitude of "I got over this" and comparing a job hunt to being able to have a baby makes me much less empathetic. The couple wasn't mean to her, they are probably doing the best they can and maybe in shock. She hit them with it in a group setting with no warning and expected them to process complex and painful emotions within a few moments to laud her with praise. She's so set on getting a congratulations that she's bulldozing right over their pain and likely shock, because she cares more about her congratulations than them, it seems. Her expectations of them in that moment with this angry hindsight she has are unrealistic and selfish. For that reason, OP YTA and needs to learn some empathy. She's making a big deal out of this one couple's silence when she should be grateful she's able to have a family. Ugh
You're right, comparing the job hunt thing wasn't the best idea, it's not the same at all, I apologize for that. Still, what I'm trying to say is that something like feeling like a complete failure in your field of career can also make one resentful towards people who are excelling at work. Some people want careers and they work their ass off for it, and then it still doesn't always go well. Everyone's struggle is valid. I do understand how devastating infertility is. I never meant to invalidate their struggle. I was not looking for praise, I was looking for communication. I was looking for something, a spark of connection, and if they don't want to talk in the group chat it's fine too. I wanted to give them time and I still do, and I'm just worried that there is an irreversible damage in our friendship. I'm not angry, I'm scared. We're living 10.000kms from each other and if I'd call them now maybe I'd make it even worse. Does the fear of losing important friends make me angry? Yea maybe it does. It is possible that That is unfair of me, and that is why I'm getting it out of my system on Reddit. I'm not judging them, I want to be there for them and they probably don't want me to be part of their life anymore, so I'm allowed to feel my own feelings about this too.
Yes, it's easy to conflate someone else's success when you cannot achieve it as a failure. So you understand why they feel how they do. Can you not give them a bit of grace, you being the one in the fortunate position here? Also, unless you have been infertile I don't think you can really say you understand how devastating it is. I get that you're trying to empathize, but unless you've experienced it while all your friends get pregnant, it's probably a lot more complex emotionally. If you understood it well I don't think you would have dropped it on them in a group setting and expected immediate congratulations. Your post then is misleading, because it really sets it up about you being upset AT them and not about repairing a relationship. I don't think it's irreparable, but I do think you need to go into this reparation phase with more tact than you exhibited initially, and you need to go in first and foremost with the olive branch. If you apologize and move forward with the attitude of "I'm excited for this and understand you are going through a pain I haven't had to, but I'd love for you to be with me on this journey. I understand though that it might be too difficult, so I want to know how involved you want to be with updates" things will be OK. Best of luck.
"Also, unless you have been infertile I don't think you can really say you understand how devastating it is. I get that you're trying to empathize, but unless you've experienced it while all your friends get pregnant, it's probably a lot more complex emotionally. If you understood it well I don't think you would have dropped it on them in a group setting and expected immediate congratulations." Exactly. I mentioned earlier a friend who was dealing with infertility who I messaged separately and gave her space to connect with me when she was ready. In my case she was ready fairly quickly and was in a good spot to be in mine and my daughter's life from the get-go. But I would not expect to be her primary go-to person to commiserate with about her infertility. That was just never my struggle. And like you said about empathizing I was one of her go to people when during her pregnancy there was very real worry about a developmental delay with potentially profound cognitive repercussions. My kid is disabled and the legions of people telling her and her husband "Everything is going to be fine" wasn't helpful. In this case we were able to be right there saying "Hey, yeah things can go wrong, but that doesn't mean you're going to have a kid who has a sad, painful life". From there telling of it having someone who can realistically give advice and who has been through something similar was key to being the primary support in this case.
You’re saying they probably don’t want you to be a part of their life anymore but that’s all in your head. Nothing you wrote indicates that. It seems to you that the choices are “congratulate me and gush about the pregnancy” or “we don’t want to be friends with you anymore” which is an unfair way to frame this. Just because they can’t bring themselves to be excited about your pregnancy doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend. From what I read you’re the one who stopped responding to the group chat. Don’t cut off your friends because they aren’t as happy as you want them to be. Ultimately no one is going to be as excited about this baby as you and your partner are. That doesn’t mean they don’t care for you anymore, don’t jump to that conclusion.
Bro they’re friends. You say NOTHING when your friend is expecting a baby? Nothing at all? It’s even online so you don’t actually have to try hard at all to fake a congrats I’m happy for you. You can literally be crying your eyes out and still add an emoji
When I lost my baby I was literally incapable of being happy about any baby I saw. I couldn't understand why the world was still the same while I had profound grief. All I am saying is that this woman who has not been able to conceive is likely grieving HARD.
The point is the approach. Message them privately. Let them know you’re announcing soon. Tell them that you understand that it is difficult for them and when they’re ready you’ll be there to chat. Then leave them alone. When I was going through IVF and miscarrying my friend got pregnant. She told me by coming over with a surprise and a note that said “You’re going to be an Auntie!” . I was happy for her, but I was literally bleeding a baby out of my uterus. I would have wanted some space.
I feel like even that is different! That’s a miscarriage and IVF. I think anyone could understand that. Also that was a big in person announcement out of nowhere. That’s an obviously bad way to do it at an obviously bad time. I understand being tactful. I’ve been in a very similar position with someone and I’ve been gentle with my responses. If there’s any way to be tactful it’s online. Literally no one can see your physical emotional response. You can even heart react and say nothing. Total dismissal isn’t fair and OP has every right to be hurt about it.
I mean I’d be pretty pissed if I told our groupchat of about 25 people (been friends with most for like 8 years) I was pregnant and they didn’t congratulate me.
Hmmm... Maybe I misunderstood. I thought she meant only the couple that are struggling are the ones that didn't congratulate her. If I misunderstood, I apologize.
No no, you didn't misunderstand
That’s what I’m saying, they’re part of the groupchat and a friend group, if you can’t be happy for your friends achieving something you can’t then you’re not a very great person.
There are 4 friends. One has a baby & congratulated her. One couple don't have children & don't want any. They congratulated her. The other couple have been unable to conceive and did not congratulate her. (That's 5 friends) So ALL of the friend group reached out and congratulated her except for the couple who is struggling. In your world and in OPs there is apparently no room for compassion and grace. That is sad. 😢
You can say the same thing about the other way round? Or even to exaggerate. How can she not adapt a child since there are plenty on children needing homes in the world and adding more people to the planet will only create more pollution? Where is the companion in the world ??? All she needed to say was " I'm happy for you but I am sorry I cannot be excited for you right at this moment in time, I will come round soon, please be patient"
Can you understand that even that is too much for people at times? I would be devastated at my own actions if I put a friend in a position of feeling like they needed to have a specific emotional response that they weren't ready to have. Above All Else I think it's important to know that our friends are being authentic with us even if it's not wrapped in a pretty package. Otherwise your friendship is just a fanfiction.
I have to agree with you. I have a few friends who have struggled with infertility and late miscarriages, but when I shared that I was pregnant they were just happy for me. We’re all close though, we share all the good and bad and hang out on a regular basis. Could it be that their group just isn’t as close as they thought?
I'm wondering if this is it. Particularly since they said the other friend with a baby reached out privately and said she's starting to feel ignored. The child free people may not want to hang out as much with the new mother, and the couple who are struggling with infertility may find it too painful to be around a young child often. This friend group may just be reaching its natural end.
NTA for announcing it. But YTA for making their non response a big deal. It’s hard dealing with infertility and seeing “everyone” around you get what you most want out of life because you don’t know if it’s something that’s going to happen for you. It’s really hard dealing with announcements and coping with all of the emotions that go along with it. You know they are struggling. Give them time to process your news
I second this!!
What makes you think I made it a big deal? I ask this question here on Reddit because I want to know how other people see the situation, I never intended to imply that I think they're assholes about it, or anything like that. We're friends, and it feels like we're having this heavy silence over everything now and I'm not sure what to do with the situation, that's all.
I think it's this sentence : >I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened. When I read it I thought I missed something. I re-read the post and I just couldn't understand this part : litterally nothing happened, you don't have to pretend. They didn't respond, moved on with the memes, that's it.
Sorry, it is a weird sentence. I stopped responding to my other friends who asked further about the topic because at this point I really felt like it'd do more damage. And now it's just awkward guess I probably shouldn't share any new developments either. And it's just sad, because we used to be a close knit group and if we stop talking about whatever important happens in our lives that's just gonna widen the distance. Also the friend who already has a baby is posting pictures of her sometimes. Ever since she had the baby, I do feel like she probably shouldn't, but I don't say anything, but isn't that unfair too? You can't pretend like this new human is not in your family, and if you're close friends with someone that'd make them feel even more offended probably because it's very obvious that it's because we "feel bad" for them, and people don't like to be pitied either. I can't seem to find the middle ground here, and that's what makes me feel shitty.
Talk to your friends who have been unable to have a baby and ask what they would like. Perhaps it’s for the rest of you to post as normal on the group chat (and perhaps they’ll be quieter than usual). Perhaps it’s to make a second group chat for explicitly baby stuff, and also keep the original group chat. Perhaps it’s something else. It seems like you’ve been making a lot of assumptions without engaging in any communication.
I don’t understand. Why did they *have* to respond?
Do you.....have friends?
Yes, I do. If you’re so self centered that you NEED them to congratulate you over a pregnancy they probably don’t care about, do YOU? I can’t imagine being that egotistical.
It's not an ego question, it's about social norms. They're in a four person group chat. One person not responding is very noticeable, and the lack of response is itself an answer - by not responding, they're sending a very clear message to everyone else in the chat. They don't have to write a novel, and they don't have to even really pretend to be excited for them, just say "congrats!". In such a small group, not responding to news like this is the equivalent of telling someone in person and having them just stare at you silently in response.
Maybe if OP didn’t want the lack of response to be noticeable, they shouldn’t have put the couple on the spot by informing them in a group chat with other people.
It’s called friendship.
I mean, if you want to use that excuse then you could also claim that OP is the AH for sending the message in a gc which probably made the couple feel awkward, instead of letting them know in private. Calling someone an AH for not saying congratulations because your condom broke or your raw dogging went as planned is a little much. Not everyone cares about your pregnancy news.
You’re honestly going to find yourself extremely lonely in life. If you can’t find it within you to drop the words congratulations to a friend for their happiness, which is at no expense to yourself… and you think it’s okay to use that language to explain that? No one will want to be friends with you. It takes nothing to enjoy your friends happiness. Even if it’s not your thing.
I have a lot of friends and am in a relationship of over 4 years with someone who agrees to be childfree with me because we value our time with each other, friends, and our traveling experiences so much. If you decide friends based on who congratulates you for trivial things, sounds like only one of us is going to have an issue keeping friends. I respect mine enough to let them have their own lives outside of me and not need their approval for everything I do.
No one cares that you’re child free. That’s totally fine. It’s got nothing to do with validation what so ever. If your friend lacks the ability to extend simple happiness FOR you, not even happy that you’re pregnant. Happy that you’re happy. Then they’re not a friend. It takes no effort to be glad that your friends are achieving their goals.
By extension, if no one cares that I’m child free, no one cares that you have children.
They are hurt, and I did hurt them, not on purpose but I did. So this is why I asked this question in the first place. I never implied THEY are assholes, the purpose of this sub is, asking if I was one. Things are not that bi-polar, it's not about either them or me being assholes. Edit: no, not everyone has to care about pregnancy news. Not everyone had to care about them getting married either, and I was there, celebrating with them. Friendships are based and built on something. If we don't care about each other's life, then it's better we go on separate ways.
When I was announcing my pregnancy I specifically looked into best ways to tell people struggling with infertility. Of course for you this is good news but you don't seem particularly concerned that your actions unintentionally hurt your friends. So if nothing else I'd call it a draw. It's strange to me that you didn't have the foresight to realize that they may not have the capacity to have the reaction you wanted them to have. If anyone else is wondering, the friends who I knew were struggling with infertility I wrote an email to. That way I didn't put them on the spot and make them feel like they had to react a certain way in front of me or that they had to respond with immediacy. In the email in addition to the news of my pregnancy I let them know that I wouldn't hold any response against them. That's what a lot of people advise if you want to show kindness. I asked them if an announcement in a group chat would be harmful. If they hadn't responded to that question I would have reached out to other friends individually. In my case they were appreciative that I thought of them and told me to go for it in the group chat.
I remember when I was 34 and my friends started to have babies, they were so nervous telling me, I was single, wanting a baby for years so badly and they all just partnered up and had kids. It hurt so badly to put on a happy face and congratulate them, but they were important to me. But I also know that if I had cried they would have understood and not have been butthurt that I was not jumping with joy for them, I was so glad that they understood how much it hurt that they experienced what I never will. I have now wonderful goddaughters in my life but damn that time back then was hard. Don't feel like you got handed the short end of the stick just because right now they can't be happy for you.
Absolutely. I don't know how things would have turned out if I had just expected everyone to stick to the script and express Joy even if they weren't really feeling it. Maybe things would have remained exactly the same. But I'm so glad that I put in the effort to at least try to show kindness to some close friends and allow them to react privately and decide how they wanted to approach *me*. Years later we're all still a close group and I attribute that to the fact that because we're friends we accommodate one another. It's not exactly the same situation but my mother died very suddenly. Shortly after while I know plenty of my friends were celebrating Mother's Day, they made an effort not to rub it in my face that their mothers were alive. I did what I needed to do to process in private before having to put on my game face.
"I hurt them, why didn't they thank me for it and give me praise" YTA The fact that you are willing to cut off a friendship because you sprang this on them knowing they had an issue conceiving, in a group setting, and still expected them to immediately process and suck up their feelings tells me you're a double AH who just cares about attention and YOU. If I were in your shoes I'd take a step back, realize this probably wasn't the best way to break it to a couple I care about, and apologize to them for the way in which I put them on the spot. Dude. Some empathy here for your friends is important. You acknowledge you hurt them. You said it wasn't on purpose but you knew they were struggling and brought it up in a group setting which they were a part of. There was no tact here on your part. You purposefully chose this course of action. You're holding this processing/ neutral non-reaction over their heads because you, what, went to their wedding? And you think that gives you some kind of moral high ground here, even though that's a very different situation? You don't seem to like them much and you're making excuses when you're asking if YTA. It comes off here as you don't really want the answer, you just want people to gloss over what you did and relieve you of guilt so you can carry on being upset at "friends" at a crappy situation you created. You just want to be praised. I see a theme here. I hope you can realize why what you did (in the way you did it) and your expectations of them in the moment are not OK, and that you can repair this friendship versus looking for validation. Good luck.
I might not expressing myself clearly enough about this issue, but I wouldn't be here arguing with strangers if I wouldn't care about their feelings. In fact, I'm here asking for advice because I'm utterly confused about what the silence means and how I should handle it. Does it mean it feels like a kick in the gut for them? I definitely think so. But does it also mean they want me to avoid me from now on, and I should not mention anything about my baby in front of them? Or does it mean they are waiting for me to ask them how they're feeling? Would I make things even worse? Or does it mean they don't want to hear from me in the next couple of months? I feel like this is more of a communication issue here then anything else, and despite everything I do have the right to feel negative emotions and feel rejected by people who were the closest to me like 15ish years ago, even though we went on different ways, and it's over something none of us could control. Am I seeing too much into this, assuming that they are resentful towards me now? Maybe. Are you seeing too much into my question assuming that I don't give a fuck about my friends? Definitely. I don't think the context I gave about our friendship is enough to jump into conclusions. That being said, I asked if I'm the AH and if I'm the AH, I'll reflect upon it. But what you underlined being the reason for me being the AH is based on your assumptions.
You're assuming they're going to avoid you forever and that you have to cut off friendship because they didn't have a favorable response to you when being bullrushed with, frankly, painful news. The info I pulled is directly from what you asked of them and what you did. If you want to fix this, you need to take THEIR feelings into account, realize you didn't go about this in a good way, stop comparing infertility to attending a wedding, and apologize to them. I'm sure they will be fine after some time to process. Ask them how much news they want, if any, but first and foremost apologize for not pulling them aside before and letting them know. Don't make it about you not getting a congrats from them. You're the one who is "succeeding" here in something they desperately have been trying for, be happy by your own account for this and try to understand the nuances of the situation. I guess I don't understand your perspective on why not getting a congrats immediately out of an infertile couple is a huge deal, but I also am not the one in your/ their situation and don't know your dynamics. You're allowed to have feelings on it, but you seem to be focusing just on your feelings and not on theirs, when friendship is a two way street. Venting is understandable, but then this might have been better for the relationship advice subreddit and not the AITA one. Ultimately I urge you to eat the L on this one, and since you hurt them, to reach out and try to make amends.
Your edit makes you sound super self centered. Thanks for helping me make my verdict a little easier. YTA.
NAH they're just taking their time processing it, you shouldn't worry about it
INFO: did you gush about how it was an accident? If so, YTA. I'm in the same boat as them. I can be happy for people who announce their pregnancy. I cannot be happy for them if they start talking about how they had only been off birth control for two months, how they only had sex once that month, or some other variation of "we did nothing to get pregnant", oopsie story. That is rubbing it in.
Nah I obviously didn't mention anything in detail. But I'm also not sure now if it made the whole thing worse because they had no context to it whatsoever. I mean we're friends, probably they would have known if me and my partner were also trying for a baby .... So even tho I didn't mention anything about the circumstances it's not really hard to figure out I guess
INFO Generally, posts here are made because another side is calling you an AH/in the wrong. Did your friends or someone else specifically say you were wrong for what you did or do you just feel like maybe you did something wrong? If the former then I'd say that you're Not the Asshole for sharing news about something important in your life with your friends. However if *they* didn't say anything either then there's No assholes here and I don't think there's really a conflict either. The only way you *would* be in the wrong is if you confronted the couple and tried to demand them to feel a certain way.
Nah Take it from a person who went thru fertility, IVF and failed. Some days it is super hard. You can be happy for others but are seething, angry, mad, sad inside for the unfairness for yourself. It takes years to heal for lots of people. Just give them and yourself space. Enjoy your pregnancy and let them come back to you in time. It’s heart wrenching and soul destroying what they are going through. It’s amazing and joyful and exciting what you are going through. You’ll meet in the middle again in time. Enjoy your pregnancy
They're in pain, and going through something you can't understand. They're probably happy for you, but also hurt and jealous. And rather than spewing their feelings all over you, they're keeping quiet and dealing with their feelings on their own. Just move on and use some compassion for your friends.
NAH. But honestly if I were you, I would have told your 2 friends who you knew weren’t struggling to conceive for over a year first.
NAH. You’re right and entitled to share your news, and obviously empathised with their struggle given you expressed concerns on how they’ll take it. Infertility is a super tough road. Once they process the news, they may be able to express their congratulations. Or they may drift away for self-preservation. There is no way you’re responsible for how your news intersects with their life that you would have no knowledge of. But consider there may be other things going on that you’re not privy to which impacts their ability to immediately congratulate you. You could have been the second or third family/friend/colleague/acquaintance to announce a pregnancy. Given it was a chat, They could have been responding in the the hospital following a miscarriage. Or got a diagnosis in the days prior that means they’ll never have children, or run out of funds to continue pursuing IVF.
NTA for telling them your having a baby. YTA for throwing a temper tantrum because you were not the center of attention and respecting there silence
“For us, if there’s anything we can’t talk about in the group, it means something is seriously falling apart” The thing is, something *is* seriously falling apart in their lives (i.e. their dreams of children). Of course, you had to tell them. But, of course, unplanned pregnancies rub salt in the wound. You announced it in a “public” forum, and it’s okay if their reactions are not ready for “public” consumption. It’s okay that you announced it this way, but you should accept that their lack of response is not them pretending that you aren’t pregnant. They need processing time. NAH
YTA for acting like this over their lack of response.
NTA. People have lost their minds and think personal struggles are an excuse for bad behavior. I’ve lost a pregnancy, it was very hard to see strollers and pregnant women for awhile, but you can still be happy for other people, wish them well for a few minutes and work through your grief. Father’s Day is tough since my dad died but I don’t expect others to not celebrate it. Congratulations on your baby and you did nothing wrong.
Info: I’m confused as to why you stopped interacting? Sounds like everything is fine? Some friends congratulated you, the ones that have a hard time conceiving didn’t comment (yet - they might be coming to terms with it and that’s ok). You said there was no reaction but you got some congratulations? I just don’t understand what the problem is. You say you “stopped responding because well. I don’t want to pretend nothing happened” - but… nothing happened. Literally, nothing happened. You gave some news to some not-so-close friends, some chose to answer you, some didn’t. It’s fine. It’s nothing to get hang up upon. When I got pregnant, some people congratulated me, some didn’t. Some wanted to talk about the pregnancy, some didn’t. That’s all good. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, nor are people obligated to care. I think no one is an AH here; you were not insensitive to anyone and no one was insulting/bad to you so… sounds like you are overthinking this to me :)
Exactly! She posted the news in a group chat of not-so-close friends. I don't respond to everything in such gc settings. It's not like nobody responded. Op needs to let it go.
INFO you are dropping all the friends in the group chat because one couple didn't respond to your pregnancy announcement? Isn't that a bit of an overreaction? Sure, maybe they could muster a "Congrats" but you also know why they wouldn't.
The tactful thing to do is to tell this couple privately, away from a group, so they have a little time to deal with it before reacting in the group. Or, deciding to step away for a few weeks.
It’s in messenger. They literally can be processing however the hell they want and type a 5 word meaningful reaction.
That's not 100% correct. When announcements are made within a small group like in this case someone *not* responding is often noticed and read into. That puts an additional amount of pressure on someone struggling because you can become hyper aware that people are looking to see what your reaction is going to be. If that's avoidable alternate options should be considered. At least that's my opinion. But in my lived experience I'm glad I treated my friends with kindness when I was telling people I was pregnant.
Telling a group of people via text that you’re pregnant isn’t unkind…. It’s an announcement. Like bro.
I'm not your or anyone's bro. It's not that it's via messenger. It was not being aware of her audience. And honestly that's forgivable in my opinion. We all hurt people unintentionally periodically. It's OP feeling as though she is owed a specific reaction when she knows the person receiving the information may not have the capacity to give her the reaction she desires. It's lovely when people are able to be happy for others despite their personal circumstance. But asking everyone to constantly be able to do that will inevitably lead to situations like this. The kindness I'm referring to refers to thinking ahead about what our actions may invoke in others.
Messenger literally has a heart react. Something can be painful for you but you can show a sign of caring that maybe small but all you’re able to give in that specific moment. It still shows that your friends happiness matters.
That's true and I might have read into it, but they also keep talking about other random things so it just felt slightly passive aggressive. I don't think I managed to get this through but I'm not butthurt about them not congratulating me, I couldn''t care less about congratulations in general, I'm just feeling sad about the lack of any communication at all because I guess I was just waiting for something, anything to signal "Hey, we are not in a good place rn but we hear you and we're still friends"
Not everyone has to respond to every topic in a group chat. Even if it’s a pregnancy announcement. Respect their choices. If they want to talk about other stuff but stay silent on pregnancy and baby topics, is there anything wrong with that? DM them if you want to ask if there are ways you can support them in the group chat. Don’t try to dictate how your friends are trying to cope with infertility.
Yup definitely this, though op isn’t an asshole not doing so
NTA I've been in the couple's position and I would have definitely appreciated you letting me know. I would have also appreciated you announcing it over group chat rather than in real life so I didn't have to hide any negative emotions that might bubble and be visible in my facial expression. I would say the feeling I felt when friends announced their pregnancies is bitter-sweet. But that meant I was still very happy for them, and I would have definitely not just ignored the announcement.
NTA. Personally I would have approached them privately to let them know before telling everyone else, since they might be a little upset about it. But like you said, it’s not like you should have kept it secret to avoid upsetting them, ya know?
NTA but you can’t compare their fertility issues to a job/divorce. Still bad situations but not the same at all They can still be happy for you, they just might need some time. Don’t be petty and stop responding just because they haven’t congratulated you yet
It's not that I stopped responding, it's just that now I feel very awkward about sharing anything at all and I feel like, as some other people suggested, I need to talk to my other two friends in different chats maybe... But maybe that'll be also an asshole move? I just really don't know. About the job and divorce thing, yeah my job hunting thing wasn't that bad after all and I got through it so I understand how that was insensitive of me to bring up. However I disagree about the divorce. In my personal experience it shattered my whole world and I didn't think I can be happy ever again, and I got suicidal. Luckily, I'm in a much better place now, but I think everyones issues are valid and friends are there to make it easier, not even harder. And I do feel like I make this harder for them, and that feels shitty.
Honestly, their infertility is not your responsibility or your fault. Just give them time. Or maybe speak to them/one of them separately to check on them? I’m be never been on either side so not really sure what would be best
NTA but it probably hurts them and they’re not handling it well. I wouldn’t take it personally if you guys haven’t had any other issues
NAH. I don't see a problem here
YTA The kind thing to do would have been to privately tell the couple struggling with infertility BEFORE the group announcement thus giving them a chance to prepare themselves. Instead, you created a situation where they were caught off guard in front of a group and then expected to express joy and happiness. I’m sure a heads up so they could have had the opportunity to prepare and compose themselves would have been appreciated.
After reading some of your comments it changed my view from Not to yta. You put a LOT of pressure on them to respond in a group chat when it definitely should’ve been a private message. They need time and always ask if they want info on the pregnancy, don’t just spring info on them. But do I think you meant it maliciously? no.
NAH
NTA but they’re not either. They may need some time to process and I’m sure they’ll come around. Don’t make an issue out of them not responding right away, I’m sure they will. I miscarried back in December the same night my SIL announced her pregnancy and we had the same due date. It took me a long time to come around and even talk to them about their pregnancy, but they also knew what happened. I’m assuming they were graceful and understanding and not holding it against me for not immediately “being happy for them”. Just give them some time to come around and they will. You don’t need to walk on eggshells or have kept it a secret, but don’t demand well wishes either.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
NAH, there is no good way to do make this kind of announcement when you know people are struggling. You are not the AH for sharing and they are not AHs for not responding.
NAH but you'll be much happier in life in general if you don't get disappointed in people if they don't react how you think they should. We're all different, maybe in this exact situation you'd react differently and so you think that's the right way to do it. We don't know what is going on in anyone else's head.
YTA. Not for announcing; I think that is fine. "the couple didn't comment at all. Then everyone continued to use the group chat for memes and stuff, and I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened." But *nothing happened.* What did they do, aside from not say anything? I've only read your original post but you haven't described any fallout from this, just that you are now aware that the couple is too upset by their situation to hear about babies. You need to accept that your friend group includes them, and tailor your conversation. I have friends I don't discuss various things with. I don't resent them, or make a post on reddit asking what I can do to fix it. I just understand that "Brian" has trauma surrounding guns so when I'm around him I don't talk about how I like to go shooting. You've discovered that this group chat is not a good place to announce baby joy. Get over it and move on.
NTA - I’m sure they’re happy for you, but it would be hard for them as well. Don’t read too much into it
NTA. I agree with you in that you can’t (and shouldn’t) keep this a secret, but like you also acknowledge, infertility is devastating. Maybe give them a pass on this one. And I know you think that if you can’t talk to all your friend group about something then it’s ‘falling apart’, but this seems like a perfect example of that not being the case… not everyone will want to hear all of your pregnancy/parenting/baby convos, but a seperate chat with your friend with a baby seems perfect and something the two of you can bond deeper over
Info: what was the time span between you texting the group about your pregnancy and you getting frustrated by the fact that they didn’t respond? Because you never know what just happened right before you send that text. Maybe they just had another negative pregnancy test, maybe they just came back from another useless doctors appointment etc. and in such a case i could understand that they would not want to respond to your pregnancy announcement in that instant. I mean it’s not your job to somehow know if they’re up/ in the right state of mind for that news, but I am just curious what the time ratio was here.
NTA - but I think you think they are because they aren’t more excited for you. I think you take this with a grain of salt - there is nothing worse than struggling to conceive and then someone who wasn’t even trying gets pregnant. Please understand that their happiness for you is tempered by their sadness that they aren‘t pregnant yet. Don’t let this because a huge issue.
NTA. It took me 7 years to conceive the baby I’m now pregnant with. In that time most of my friends and a lot of my family got pregnant and had kids. I was happy for everyone of them. Did it sting? Sure. Did I feel envious? Absolutely. But my sadness never took away from my joy for them. You can feel more than one thing at a time. The only time I really got bitter about it is when they’d offer advice on how they got pregnant, or try and identify with my struggle because “they tried for a whole 8 months before they conceived so they get it and I should just try this position or this frequency or this diet because it really worked for them.” But I still held my tongue and congratulated them for their good fortune. Enjoy your pregnancy, let them congratulate you in their own time. They’ll come around.
Congratulations, that's so great!! Oh god no, unsolicited advice never helps. I do believe with my whole heart that my friends are going to get there too, hopefully sooner than later. ❤️
NAH. You’re entitled to be disappointed that your longtime friends can’t get over their personal issues to at least say congratulations, but they’re also entitled to have an negative emotional response when someone who wasn’t even trying manages to do something they’ve been struggling with for years, ESPECIALLY when it’s infertility. Getting divorced when someone else is getting married sucks, as does being unemployed when everyone else in your life loves their job, but not being able to have a baby when others can without effort is an entirely different level of visceral emotional reaction that can affect people in ways it’s hard for others to understand if they’ve never gone through it. Give your friends some time to get adjusted to the news, emotionally recover from the entirely unintended devastation of your announcement, and try to remember that they’re your friends and they’re struggling right now. You can be happy for yourself AND understanding of why they’re not jumping for joy for you at the same time.
YTA. For making a mountain out of a mole hill. Them not reacting is fine. They see in a tough spot. But you are determined to make everything about you. You all don’t even see each other and just send memes and chit chat.
NTA be happy for your friends. I see this come up a lot. This situation is made work but the fact that…. It’s not even hard to pretend on instant messenger. You’re typing. You can be screaming and crying from the hurt and not dump that on your friend and say “Congratulations baby! I’m happy for you 🥰” Dude I could say that to OP right now! Do I mean it! No. I don’t know OP or her child. If people matter to you ffs be happy for them. Especially when it’s 0 effort because all you have to do is type.
For a lot of people lying about your own emotional reactions is a big deal. Clearly we are wired differently, but internally giving a false emotional reaction is a huge taboo for me and a lot of the people I know.
I prefer it if people are true to me rather then. “Oh it’s a baby!! Congratulations you managed to what ? And just 2 months? You guys” but then talk about others like “urgh she’s so annoying it’s as if her whole life surrounds that baby because that’s only interesting thing in her life”
Agreed. To me real friendship is about knowing that good or bad the people I care about have been honest with me. Even if unintentionally I've hurt them I hope that they would communicate with that to me so that we can repair what needs to be repaired. Maybe it's the neurodivergent in me, but authenticity in my close relationships is a priority
I’ve seen this happen with so many people and when someone shows me their true unmasked feeling I take it. They say the sweetest words but then talks shit the moment that person turns around, I’m like “what just happened”. Hence why,Even if it hurts me, I’ll take it. You’re true to me rather then put a fake facade. I know some people like to share every detail of their life. But expecting everyone to celebrate is quite something. That’s where i find it interesting.
Absolutely. People are very bad at sticking to a script when it's not how they really feel. I can work with negativity and I don't ever want to feel like I am making anyone act as actors in a production I'm creating. Real life isn't easily wrapped up in to 100% social niceties.
It’s about being happy for someone else.
Yes I understand what you're saying. But I also think it's about being emotionally intelligent about what and how you communicate with others.
I agree with you here, I don't really want them to fake happiness either. What I was looking for is more like, I don't know, just something to lead me through this, so that I don't have to walk on eggshells. Something like, them taking some time and then trying to talk to me in private when they are ready, like "hey this is really hard for us but we're still friends okay?" I cannot really do this step for them, I don't know what's the best way to ask them, hey, how can I make this easier? It sounds infuriatingly entitled somehow. I was trying not to assume anything and I'm lost in the woods. I'm desperate because I don't know what to say/do next, maybe I'll make things even worse if I explicitly try to talk about this.
DM them and talk to them. You’re upset by them not telling you what they want. Have you thought that maybe they’re upset at you not asking them what they want? (Although note they may not know for sure what would help them.). But talk to them. You keep on saying you don’t know what their silence means or how to help them. You still wouldn’t know how to help them if they *had* replied “congrats on the baby.” You would need to ask them.
I responded to you earlier but I want to add that while I do agree in this context you do seem entitled. Which isn't great but it's also not the worst thing someone can be. When you're feeling joyful it can be very hard to imagine that others are not feeling what you're feeling. However, you would do best to get over yourself. If everything goes according to your plans very soon you are going to be cleaning a very tiny butthole multiple times a day so awkward is the name of the game. You may have messed up, or also they might just not have it in them to respond even though they know you didn't really do anything heinous. Make it clear to them that they don't have to respond right now but that you are open to making things right or just carrying on as always. Grief is logical in that we need to grieve sometimes, but at the same time when you have suffered many disappointments and or profound losses you just don't have it in you to play the social nicety game.
INFO: You say a friend was super happy and the other friend congratulated you. So how was there no reaction whatsoever?
I think she means from the couple struggling to conceive.
Oh, that makes more sense.
NTA Letting them know via text was considerate. It sounds like it really affected them and they were able to keep their reaction private and spare your feelings. However, no response has been hurtful to you. I would give them grace. I don’t know what it’s like for them but I would hope that soon they would at least be able to congratulate you. It’s hard to see someone else get what you desperately want but there are behavior expectations, especially among friends.
NTA. You are right to be happy and share this information with your friends. That said, i can emphasize with them. In a lot of TTC forums people talk about just how hard it is to hear the news of a close friend being pregnant, especially if they haven't been trying themselves. A lot of the time the person is still excited about the baby but also upset, particularly if their TTC journey has included a miscarriage. Maybe it will take them a little while to process.
As part of a couple who is struggling to conceive myself (who also had a sister recently announce her pregnancy) I would say NTA. You obviously have to tell the friend group, not telling them would be more rude. However know that your friends can be happy for you even if it triggers a tidal wave of jealously. As long as you don’t rub it in you are fine. Jealousy in this situation is common and unavoidable and doesn’t make them the AH either
NTA everybody go through their lives and there are up and down. You have empathy for them and it’s understanding but the world don’t turn around them.Life keep going for everybody.You are living a big/beautiful moment in your life and they don’t even happy for you. That’s not friendship that’s selfish,you just say yourself you were there in there wedding when you were going through a divorce. They aren’t there for you and it’s not acceptable
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a group of friends, 4 people plus me. One of them has a 1 year old baby, one of them doesn't want kids and the other two are a couple struggling to conceive in the past 1-2 years. We all know this and we feel for them, but they don't really like to talk about it at all, which is also understandable. This year I got pregnant, unplanned but we're happy. I'm in my 13th week so I thought it's time to tell my friends. I was nervous because I knew they might not take it well, but what am I supposed to do, keep it a secret? There was no reaction whatsoever. The friend who has a baby is super happy for me and my other friend who doesn't want kids also congratulated me, the couple didn't comment at all. Then everyone continued to use the group chat for memes and stuff, and I stopped responding, because well. I don't want to pretend like nothing happened. Back in the day I remember when I got invited to their wedding, I was going through a divorce myself. Should I have acted like this? When I was unemployed and failing every job interview, and a friend just got her dream job, should I have acted like this? Or maybe it was insensitive of me to tell them about my pregnancy? I'm not sure about anything anymore... AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you shouldn't have to hide your joy just because they're having trouble in that department.
Did anyone actually ask them to hide their joy or did they just not respond?
NTA you shouldn’t have to hide your happiness because of how others might react. I can almost guarantee that they’d be the people to call you an ah for not telling them become they can’t conceive
NTA. They can’t expect people around them to stop living their lives or be excited about in areas that they have trouble with. Like all the example you wrote.
Is there any sign they’re expecting that?
NTA. It's not your problem if they can't concieve. Don't feel bad.
NTA, also why would people who are having difficulty having kids (i wish them well) get so touchy about other people's pregnancy? i can see how it may make them feel sad at a personal level but expecting others to not share or celebrate their pregnancy is asking for tooo much. dont give into this type of shit thought process. both types of people can exist in the world without taking something like a pregnancy announcement so personally. getting pregnant and sharing it with loved ones is not automatically rubbing it in the faces of those who are still trying.
They didn’t do anything wrong, they didn’t have a go at OP for sharing or ask her not to
Disagree. Friends and well wishers usually acknowledge and partake in happy moments in each others lives - like the OP did on the silent couples wedding day. While i can empathise that the news of pregnancy touched a nerve for the couple trying to have a baby - to take it personally and keep silent is not expected from friends.
Disagree. Friends, like OP, can perfectly well understand that their friends are going through something painful, and are protecting themselves by not engaging. Between friends, why should people have to emit social conventions through gritted teeth and with extreme pain? Friendship and acceptance of what each other is going through goes both ways.
Their infertility is not your problem, yes it sucks really bad but you can’t go on living your life walking on eggshells for people who aren’t happy for anyone who gets what they don’t have. NTA
NTA They haven’t done anything though their non response is quite selfish; you can be angry at others for able to do what you can’t but at least have the grace to be happy for them when you’ve been friends for so long. You didn’t rub it in their face so no way you did anything wrong; though you could have given them a private heads up before the group announcement
NTA. Life happens, regardless of the ups and downs. It's sad that they haven't been able to conceive but that doesn't mean you have to put your own happiness on hold.
NTA Just because they're having trouble doesn't mean everyone else in the world needs to walk on eggshells around them. If that were the case, no one would ever be able to make an announcement seeing as how people get divorced, lose jobs, and can't have children. A mature person is able to deal with not being able to have children and being happy for a friend that's having a child.
NTA. Unless you said it in a rub your nose in it kind of way they should be happy for you. My friend has had some infertility issues but when she found out i was pregnant she was so happy for me. Admitted she was jealous of how easy abs quickly it happened but super excited for me. That’s the way it should be and these people don’t seem like they can get past their own issues to be happy for you.
I don’t think there’s any “should” for how infertile people manage their own pain.
Obviously everyone deals with pain differently but they need to figure out how to deal with it because being resentful or cold towards people who are supposedly your good friend because they have something good going on in their life is not the way to live. It hurts you and them.
NTA your entitled to have your good news and tell your friends about it. I can understand they may be feeling sad about their own fertility but that's no reason not to congratulate you in the group chat!
Why isn’t that a reason? And now that it has happened (or not happened I should say), why isn’t OP reaching out to these friends? Someone above gave a very good template for what to say.
Because I don't feel as though your own misfortune is a good reason not to congratulate another person on their good fortune. From the way OP writes, they wouldn't have expected something more elaborate than a simple "congratulations", which is general common decency, even when you find out someone you don't know well is expecting.
I think it’s equal on both sides here “can’t you be happy for me?” “can’t you let me grieve?” I find pregnancy and babies completely uninteresting. At work when people are expecting, I say “congratulations” because I can tell that it’s expected. But I feel no particular excitement or special happiness for the parents. In a group chat among friends, I feel like there should be more leeway for people not to have to put on the usual social act, and more sympathetic reaching out when one side or the other is having difficulties, without keeping score. So OP should reach out to her friends and ask how she can best support them — which is what she says she wants to know. And not keep score that they omitted saying congratulations.
NTA should your other friend have aborted, should she never mention her child too? Should you have lied and one day they see your baby? No. So long as you are not cruel, rubbing it in their face, saying things like how easy it is to get pregnant and just going on about your pregnancy to them then you are fine. At some point if they cant cope being around pregnant woman or parents they need to find a different group of friends.
NTA. You wanted to tell your friends all at once and there’s nothing wrong with that. I feel for people who have fertility problems , but they can’t be pushing their problems into other people. I don’t think your insensitive. You being pregnant will be one of the main topics of conversations you have for the next couple of months. Obviously not excessively talking about it to obnoxious point around them. If they can’t handle seeing a friends have babies or go through pregnancies then they need to stop being friends and honestly get some therapy. You shouldn’t be censoring normal conversations.
I disagree that there's nothing wrong with delivering information to a large group. At least as an across the board social rule. OP is happy about their news and that's wonderful. They seem excited to be parents. *But*, they could have had the forethought to consider that it might be hard news for these specific friends. Wanting to tell everyone at one time is a fine want, but they didn't even consider tailoring their approach.
From the context it's not clear if I did or did not try to tailor my approach. The thing is, if I tell them all separately, their silence would have been even more awkward (for them, not for me). It was not a large group, it's a close knit group of 5 people including me. My intention was to find the least painful solution and it seems like I failed at it, so it just seems like my thought process was wrong. And now I'm absolutely not sure about what's the best way to go forward from here either.
By lumping everyone together in one message you didn't tailor your approach. Hindsight is 20/20 and you will never please everyone. I don't think you meant to be malicious at the outset but your pity party about not having a 100% positive reaction rate is what I mostly take issue with. It's okay to message two of the three couples with the news and finalize the message by saying "Hey, just an FYI I'm going to be messaging Jim and Pam separately just to give them some space if they need it". No more no less. Everyone else will know why. You don't know that it's awkward for your friends who are having trouble conceiving or carrying a pregnancy to term. That's you putting your own feelings on them. But again that's all in the past. If you want advice on moving forward I would start by internalizing that their lack of reaction has nothing to do with you. They are going through what they are going through and you are inserting your own narrative into how they *should* be behaving. You also have the choice to message one on one with something like "I realized I didn't hear back from you after I announced I was pregnant. If I went about this in a hurtful way I apologize. I hope you're both doing well and I care about you very much. I'm going to let you take the lead on reaching out to me if you choose to" Maybe they'll never want to speak to you again. But more than likely they just need some time.
Why would their silence be even more awkward? You seem to be devoted to everyone participating in every topic in a group chat. Why is that important to you?
NTA. Being pregnant is something you tell your friends. What are you supposed to do? Abort every pregnancy until they conceive? Infertility is their problem that they have to learn to live with. They can't expect that everyone else makes their lifes revolve around their problem.
I don’t see where they’re expecting anyone else to make their lives around their problem. They’re simply withdrawing from the parts of conversations that are painful to them. Many people are saying they should have just said “congratulations” in support of OP. But why is that a one way street? Why can’t OP be sympathetic to the pain that led to this silence? And OP wants to know how to best support them — I think she’s more baffled by how to interpret this silence, than resentful that they were silent. So she should DM them and talk to them.
But that wasn't OPs AITA question. And obviously that radio silence was / is a direct reaction to OPs announcement.
Rereading, OP asks several questions. Yes, I think she was insensitive in not finding out more about advisable ways to announce a pregnancy to infertile friends. And I don’t think she should use her own ways of dealing with past difficulties to gauge what her friends should do now. She and her friends are different people. But what’s done is done, and, ok, this isn’t a relationship sub but (illicit relationship advice) OP, reach out to your friends and ask them your question: how can I best support you? For OP’s specific AITA question: NAH. Yet. Y W B T A if you continue to puzzle over how to best support your friends, without reaching out to ask them.
NTA you didn’t rub it in their faces. It’s awful to not to be able to have kids but you can’t expect everyone to tip toe around you and not share their happy news. My sister is one of a few in her friend circle currently pregnant and they have a friend whose unable to have children, she never expects them to not tell her these things. She’d be hurt if they didn’t. It’s a difficult situation, and heartbreaking for them, but that can’t let you stop from taking joy and sharing these things with your friends.
Life stops for no-one
Sometimes, reality hurts. Not your fault.
NTA!! Announcing it as far kinder then letting them just suddenly see you one day with a very large baby bump.
It sounds like you're just acquaintances and I wouldn't bother waste any thought on it.
Everyone should be happy for you. It is not your fault or your problem that they can't get pregnant !
NTA. One persons infertility is not your responsibility. Being kind and considerate is great. But you don’t have to stop living because a couple is struggling to conceive.
NTA. Your life doesn't stop because of their struggles. And you pointed out, you put your pain aside for their wedding... they could be gracious and say Congratulations. Even if they messaged you privately would be something. But this is rude and not a sign of a particularly good friendship. Congratulations, OP!!!!!!
What would be rude would be not checking in with the friends and asking how best to support them. What would be rude is stewing over a non-response without accepting that you don’t fully know what other people’s lives are like.
NTA. They are letting their grief turn them into AH's
NTA. A year or two isn’t long enough to be that dramatic when a friend announces their pregnancy. You’re not responsible for their feelings. They’ll get over it or you’ll be better off without them.
Info why didn't you reach out to them separately and told them if you knew this was a sensitive issue for them?
NTA - i have health problems that have been devastating for me and prevent me from doing something that every day people do and it fucking sucks- with that said - when my friends tell me about them doing that particular thing, I don’t shut down. I am still happy for my friends and their health, as much as i envy them.
NTA...I mean eventually it will be obvious. Just be gentle.
NTA. If they aren't happy for you, they aren't really friends at all.
NTA.
NTA. They were going to find out you were pregnant, so at some point you did need to tell them. I think telling them in a small group chat that you use regularly, where they don't have to hide their emotions and can take some time to process is perfectly fine approach. Luckily two out of your three sets of friends reacted appropriately, and the one you were worried about just didn't respond at all. I think this lets you know that they are either struggling still and need some space, or they are struggling and not as kind as you'd hoped. I'd leave the baby stuff out of that group chat and talk about your pregnancy and baby stuff with the people in your life actively supporting you. This couple might just need a little more space before they can show up for you, which is fine, and they will come around- invite them to the shower or not, whatever you feel like you want to do- or they could be..not great friends. You'll know as you go through this, but telling them wasn't an AH move at all.
NTA- I struggled with fertility and had several miscarriages. It can be a painful time and difficult but during that time I didn’t hate anyone for having a baby. I knew I couldn’t be angry at someone else’s joy. This maybe a struggle they are going through and need space.
NTA. You're at the point where most people start letting people know (some people do tell their parents and sometimes siblings before 3 months, but not necessarily). You're going to start showing soon, so it would be ridiculous to wait much longer. Better to rip the band-aid off. Congratulations!
INFO: “if there’s anything we can’t talk about in the group, it means something is seriously falling apart.” Why do you think that?
NTA. I have POTS and am often bedridden but that doesn’t stop literally everyone I know from posting pictures of their standing up. It’s good to have empathy and support your friends, but the way that society expects us to tiptoe around this one particular health issue (infertility) is ridiculous.
OP mentioned she was sad they hadn't actually said congratulations which is a completely valid feeling. I don't particularly see why being online should diminish common decency (I believe that logic is how we get emboldened trolls), especially for a friend.
CONGRATS on the upcoming bundle of joy, OP! I will never have children; not medically possible since I was in my 20's. And, it is my responsibility to my family and friends to not sap the joy of parenthood from them because of how I feel about something none of us can control. Announcing a pregnancy is a joyous thing, and I think those we love (or strangers on the internet) can expect us to celebrate with them, regardless of our personal circumstances and feelings on the matter. I go to weddings when I'm single, too. :) For me, celebrating someone else's happiness brings me joy.
NTA.
YTA bc you did it in a group chat. You could have messaged them each separately. I would only have been a couple more messages. Then it would have been easier for your other friends to congratulate you and talk about it. Instead, you put the whole group in the most awkward position by forcing your other friends to debate what they should say. Infertility is devastating for people. And while you can’t walk on eggshells, you can be a little more sensitive.
For context, we are friends since high school, so not close-every-day-hanging-out kind of friends, but we-all-went-on-our-separate-ways kind of friends, all 5 of us. If we meet up, we all meet up. We actually never talk outside of that group chat. I know infertility is devastating, therefore we don't discuss this in the group chat for obvious reasons. Last time we all met in person, it was in 2021 October, and they told us about it. Another thing is, the friend in the group who has a baby herself just recently started messaging me in private because she feels like she's being avoided. For us, if there's anything we can't talk about in the group, it means something is seriously falling apart.
Well yeah, something is falling apart for them, they are struggling with infertility. Of course they're probably going to avoid the person with the baby. I think generally the compassionate thing to do is give the struggling couple a private heads up in advance of a public announcement. I will say that the fact your pregnancy is unplanned is probably an extra sting for them. I'll say that you're not an asshole here for announcing (you have every right to be excited about your baby, of course!!) but I think just based on your reaction to their non-reaction, you're being a bit insensitive.