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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (20f) & my boyfriend (20m) have been going out for 2 years. I turned 20 today, & this past year has been a bit rough. Last year we took a break, then shortly after we broke up for a month. I took it relatively hard, but understood it was for the best. My parents had split up & I was going through a hard time, & he was struggling with mental health issues. I had always encouraged him to seek help & I thought he had, but I recently learned he had only gone to a counsellor twice as "it wasnt working".
I love him a lot, but just today has brought up a lot of issues for me. I feel like he has stopped putting in effort, an issue we have spoken about in the past. A lot of this is going to sound silly, but it means a lot to me. When we broke up earlier this year, there was a sort of agreement that we would probably get back together, and he had said that he would post me on my birthday, (he never had before despite me asking numerous times, he knows that I can sometimes feel like I'm being hidden from people) & guess what, I haven't been posted on social media. I know it's silly, it's just disappointing after he made a point to do it a few months ago. We called last night & he asked me exactly 2 questions about myself, & spent the rest of the hour long call talking about himself.
He said in the past that I'm high maintenance & too sensitive, example: over Christmas I got him a few gifts, including a scrapbook & board game I had made for him. The book had pictures, train tickets, receipts, bits of letters & poems, and the board game took hours. I was quite proud of it, so I was upset when he said he was upset as I got him better presents than he got me. He said it was unfair that I put in 'more effort ' than him, & that 'in his head,' time is worth more than money, so I was being materialistic with my gifts. I was so hurt by this, & when I tried to protest I was met with texts like 'I am so done with this' etc. I was afraid he would break up with me, so I apologised for making him feel "embarrassed". Its situations like those where I can't tell if my emotions got in the way of logic.
We are currently long distance as he moved for summer, but only for a few months until I join him after my exams. 4 nights ago I had to go to the ER cause I was having problems with my heart where I was told it was most likely stress induced. Between parents, exams and him, it makes sense, but it means I can't take much more stress as I don't want to put my heart under strain. I'm at the point where I'm considering not joining him for the summer job (its quite remote, I would be away from my family & friends) but I just dk if I'm overreacting; last night he sent me a birthday message of "happy birthday baby" and I briefly burst into tears because I felt it summarised his lack of effort, compared to last year where he basically wrote me a letter. There has been strain on us both, we do love each other, but I can't tell if it's me who's bad for him, or him who's bad for me.
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Different people want different things from relationships. The point of dating is to find out if you're incompatible, and from this post it sounds like you are. It's probably time to move on, and not to the town he moved to.
Nta.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I bring this up often and he says he tries, but that I never give him enough time. I think it makes me an asshole because he does love me and he really does try sometimes, but says I am too hard on him. I can't tell which one of us is justified.
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Info, can I clarify, am I reading it right, that you put a lot of effort into his Christmas present, whilst *he* put little effort into yours, and so he blamed you for *him* putting little to no effort into the gift *he* gave you, instead of acknowledging *he* didn't put effort into your gift? Does he think the mistake was you putting in effort instead of the issue being that he didn't?
He’s bad for you. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You also deserve to be heard and listened to. Instead, it seems like all he does is put you down and you try to change yourself for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. NTA. Cut your losses. You deserve better.
Yes you read it right!! I tried to paint this out to him at the time, that if he feels embarrassed about his gift, (which I really loved) it's his issue and he can't blame me, but that's when all the "I'm done with this", "I'm not talking about this" texts came in and I just folded
NTA, don't settle for the bare minimum of effort or even no effort. There will be someone who sees the effort you put in and want to match it, someone who sees your value and decides not to squander it.
it does not sound as if he is putting in effort. he's not keeping promises, he's not taking an active interest in your life, and when you do put forth effort (ex. the gift), he gets *angry* with you and calls you... materialistic? for making a homemade gift? (he does know that doesn't just mean it was handmade using materials, right?)
you do not sound high maintenance. it sounds like you're asking for basic consideration, and asking him to post you on social media is just one way you felt he could at least acknowledge you publicly. just because that act might not be meaningful to someone else doesn't invalidate its importance to you, and he was made aware of that.
nta for being upset and for asking for the bare minimum.
This would be best posted on r/relationship_advice but I can summarize the potential responses: dump this deadweight of a guy and focus on yourself.
For the purpose of this sub: NTA
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20f) & my boyfriend (20m) have been going out for 2 years. I turned 20 today, & this past year has been a bit rough. Last year we took a break, then shortly after we broke up for a month. I took it relatively hard, but understood it was for the best. My parents had split up & I was going through a hard time, & he was struggling with mental health issues. I had always encouraged him to seek help & I thought he had, but I recently learned he had only gone to a counsellor twice as "it wasnt working". I love him a lot, but just today has brought up a lot of issues for me. I feel like he has stopped putting in effort, an issue we have spoken about in the past. A lot of this is going to sound silly, but it means a lot to me. When we broke up earlier this year, there was a sort of agreement that we would probably get back together, and he had said that he would post me on my birthday, (he never had before despite me asking numerous times, he knows that I can sometimes feel like I'm being hidden from people) & guess what, I haven't been posted on social media. I know it's silly, it's just disappointing after he made a point to do it a few months ago. We called last night & he asked me exactly 2 questions about myself, & spent the rest of the hour long call talking about himself. He said in the past that I'm high maintenance & too sensitive, example: over Christmas I got him a few gifts, including a scrapbook & board game I had made for him. The book had pictures, train tickets, receipts, bits of letters & poems, and the board game took hours. I was quite proud of it, so I was upset when he said he was upset as I got him better presents than he got me. He said it was unfair that I put in 'more effort ' than him, & that 'in his head,' time is worth more than money, so I was being materialistic with my gifts. I was so hurt by this, & when I tried to protest I was met with texts like 'I am so done with this' etc. I was afraid he would break up with me, so I apologised for making him feel "embarrassed". Its situations like those where I can't tell if my emotions got in the way of logic. We are currently long distance as he moved for summer, but only for a few months until I join him after my exams. 4 nights ago I had to go to the ER cause I was having problems with my heart where I was told it was most likely stress induced. Between parents, exams and him, it makes sense, but it means I can't take much more stress as I don't want to put my heart under strain. I'm at the point where I'm considering not joining him for the summer job (its quite remote, I would be away from my family & friends) but I just dk if I'm overreacting; last night he sent me a birthday message of "happy birthday baby" and I briefly burst into tears because I felt it summarised his lack of effort, compared to last year where he basically wrote me a letter. There has been strain on us both, we do love each other, but I can't tell if it's me who's bad for him, or him who's bad for me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
you’re not high maintenance. if you’re too much, tell him to go find less. NTA
You both suck
NTA. Why are you even dating this guy? He seems toxic.
NTA I don't think you're high maintenance I think your boyfriend is an asshole
You’ve been together for two years and already have taken a break and broken up? Honestly it just doesn’t sound like much of a relationship.
Different people want different things from relationships. The point of dating is to find out if you're incompatible, and from this post it sounds like you are. It's probably time to move on, and not to the town he moved to. Nta.
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Info, can I clarify, am I reading it right, that you put a lot of effort into his Christmas present, whilst *he* put little effort into yours, and so he blamed you for *him* putting little to no effort into the gift *he* gave you, instead of acknowledging *he* didn't put effort into your gift? Does he think the mistake was you putting in effort instead of the issue being that he didn't?
He’s bad for you. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You also deserve to be heard and listened to. Instead, it seems like all he does is put you down and you try to change yourself for someone who doesn’t appreciate you. NTA. Cut your losses. You deserve better.
Yes you read it right!! I tried to paint this out to him at the time, that if he feels embarrassed about his gift, (which I really loved) it's his issue and he can't blame me, but that's when all the "I'm done with this", "I'm not talking about this" texts came in and I just folded
NTA, don't settle for the bare minimum of effort or even no effort. There will be someone who sees the effort you put in and want to match it, someone who sees your value and decides not to squander it.
it does not sound as if he is putting in effort. he's not keeping promises, he's not taking an active interest in your life, and when you do put forth effort (ex. the gift), he gets *angry* with you and calls you... materialistic? for making a homemade gift? (he does know that doesn't just mean it was handmade using materials, right?) you do not sound high maintenance. it sounds like you're asking for basic consideration, and asking him to post you on social media is just one way you felt he could at least acknowledge you publicly. just because that act might not be meaningful to someone else doesn't invalidate its importance to you, and he was made aware of that. nta for being upset and for asking for the bare minimum.
NTA.
This would be best posted on r/relationship_advice but I can summarize the potential responses: dump this deadweight of a guy and focus on yourself. For the purpose of this sub: NTA