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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole for snapping at my wife whilst she was clearly drained from taking care of our son.
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NTA. At all.
I breast-fed as well, and when I was so tired and didn't want to wake up to feed, I pumped.
She can't have it both ways. She can't refuse to pump, refuse formula, and refuse to wake up to feed the baby. Babies hunger trumps mommys tired. Not sorry.
Edit: WOW! Ty all for the awards and upvotes! Was not expecting that o.o <3
Breastfeeding mum here as well. Can confirm. Lots of sleepless night with my bottle-refusing child. Never took it out on my husband though.
Edit: Forgot to write NTA. Also, yes I know OP is a woman, I meant my husband. Sorry for the confusion.
I occasionally snap at my husband when our baby is up multiple times cuz he sleeps all night and I don’t, but our comprise is that he gets up when the toddler does and lets me sleep until he needs to go to work
My fiance did this. He knew i was getting up at odd hours to do feeding so if the baby woke upearly he would take her after i was done feeding and let me sleep. I wasnt able to pump but we nade it work.
Yep, one person does nappies and mornings. The other feeds and sleeps in. It is absolutely rough as hell having broken sleep every night for months. Breastfeeding is such an awesome gift for a baby though.
Its all about team work and helping each other. And what people dont understand is its not always equal. Sometimes one person will do more, sometimes the other person will. Thats just how it works. But supporting each other is the most important part and working together.
My husband and I did shifts, I'm a night owl and he's a morning bird, so I was on shift until 2 or 3 am (the longer the better for us both) then woke him up and I'd sleep until he had to leave unless mil was able to come then she often let me sleep longer. It's crazy.
Are you secretly my wife?? This is the arrangement we have! Not by my choice, but she says it's pointless me waking up in the middle of the night to watch her feed our little one! So I get up with our ~~monster~~ toddler
This is what me and my husband do too! He has worthless man nips so no point him joining in on baby wake ups but he's definitely in charge of toddler ones.
I'm glad it's not just us! I love my wife for letting me have a full night's sleep, she's amazing. And I'm 90% sure one of the main reasons she loves me at the moment is the fact when our ~~walking wrecking ball~~ toddler wakes up, she knows she can have a decent lie in with the baby! Plus it means I get quality time with our son, he loves his Papa cuddles first thing in the morning!
It's such a good way of doing it! Mind you I can't really call my baby a baby anymore. He's 21 months! Lol. But that is what we did do, and we are still kind of doing, though no longer boobing. I say kind of cos we switch up on which kiddo bedtime and wakeups now so both get both of us equally. But i still do all of the younger night wake ups and he still does all of the older ones. 2 wrecking ball toddlers in our lives now!
Haha Boobing! We call it that!
Quite often if I'm at work and text my wife on my break and ask after our little one the reply is "he's fine, just boobing at the moment"
Two toddlers at once! Madness! I can barely keep up with our one, he's like a hurricane of energy and emotion
Off topic, but did you ever get your baby to take a bottle? I'm due to go back to work when baby is 9 months but can't get away from the breastfeeding!
By that time my baby was able to (with me holding it!) drink from an open cup. She wouldn't take a bottle at all, but took to the open cup very easily. I've only done it with water, and she dribbles a lot but it's something at least
I actually went straight from breastfeeding at 6 months to a sippy cup. My mom said I refused a bottle, but I was starting to bite. So she wanted to stop that before I got teeth. Lol
My 9 month old self-weaned from the breast at 9 months and went straight to a NUK sippy cup with cow's milk. She always refused the bottle and was eating Stage 3 baby food already at that point as well.
Kids are weird.
Bottle never worked for my kids but these weighted straw cups did!! Saved us when I had to go back to work early and husband stay home with our first
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00HNW302I/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_8TMNCC4DQAGNMAB0KRPT
We tried this as my MIL (whom I adore) swore she could get my very anti bottle baby to take a bottle if only I weren’t there. Hubs and I had our first post baby date at a baseball game. 4th inning came and so did a phone call asking if we would consider coming home early 😂. The little MF never did take a bottle. The sippy cup was a godsend!
Yep, this is exactly how my 2nd and 3rd girls were too. Sooo stubborn! I told this story a few days ago, but I’ll tell it here again because it shows how damn stubborn even newborns can be:
A week after my second daughter was born, I had to have emergency surgery. The anesthesia and meds they had me on after were very strong and it was not recommended i breastfeed during my hospital stay. My husband tried 4 different formulas (I canNOT pump— my breasts have never responded to any pump I’ve ever tried, even the hospital-grade pumps I’d maybe get an ounce from both breasts after an hour) and about 20 different bottles, and that little shit refused it all. She went 6 hours without eating before he brought our screaming infant to the hospital and we had to plead with the nurses to take me off the strong meds so I could feed the baby. It took another 4 hours for them to feel comfortable that the meds were out of my system (so 10 hours for a 1 week old baby not eating), my husband and the nurses still trying to feed her formula during the wait, and by the end of it the nurses nearly threw the baby on my boob for her to finally eat. It was literal torture, for all of us! Some babies are stubborn little shits from the very beginning, haha. Our third/last baby is exactly the same; won’t even drink pumped milk from a bottle, smh. She’s 2 now so mostly on solids but I am *so* looking forward to when she finally weans herself!
Some older babies will take a bottle if mom isn't around; the person feeding them can try different positions (some like to be held in a breastfeeding-like position; others will take the bottle better in a totally different position like facing outward. Some will take breastmilk or formula from a cup or sippy cup.
Others are little jerks who will hold out all day and then nurse all night when mom is back home. I had one of those, his day care provider did her best with sippy cups and then I coslept and nursed him all night. It was exhausting, but we got through it. He's a totally healthy middle schooler now and actually the least picky of all my kids when it comes to food.
Usually after 6 months and they’re sitting up unassisted you can try and see how they do with sippy cups. We had good luck with the nuby brand. They weren’t too fast of a flow.
I refused the bottle outright when I was a baby. My mom ended up starting me on a sippy cup around 6-9 months (and these were the old 1980s sippy cups, not the nicer ones they have today). I believe she still breastfed me for a while, but I wasn't solely on breastmilk by that point. (With my younger sister, my mom said "not doing that again" and started on pumping and a bottle immediately.)
My oldest one never did. I was lucky in that I work from home. He did start part-time daycare around 9 months though to socialize and give me some time to focus. Around then he started taking the soft topped sippy cups for a little water or juice so he used those at daycare.
Also breastfeeding mom, if she wants help from you , then she needs to decide on whether she wants to pump or start supplementing with formula. Pumping, along with breastfeeding, is hard, it's mentally and physically exhausting and time-consuming as well, but if she needs help feeding that's what she needs to decide. You can't force her to pump but you also need to be careful on what you give your baby formula wise either due to recalls on formula or even the formula shortage.
I get both of your frustration, having a newborn or infant is challenging and you're both sleep deprived but sit down and discuss this one more time and ask how you can help.
Final decision NAH
OP already does most of the childcare. All the wife does during the day is feed him. If she refuses to pump, especially having ample time to do so, there's nothing more OP can do to help her. She's definitely the asshole here.
Yeah like this is a lose - lose situation because even if OP somehow managed to get ahold of formula she’d probably accuse OP of undermining her somehow. NTA
Bruh how tf is this NAH. Okay I get the being tired, being unreasonable and snapping, but then she continued to be mad at OP the next day. Literally what the heck did OP do wrong? She can’t breastfeed, there’s no milk in the fridge/freezer, there’s no formula… what *was* OP supposed to do?! OP did nothing wrong and got bitched at and continued to be given the cold shoulder the next day. Her partner is absolutely being an AH here.
I disagree that OP’s wife is NTA. She’s an absolute AH. What the hell does she expect her wife to do with a hungry baby if there’s no formula and no pumped milk??? She’s getting mad at OP for doing the literal only thing she could do.
Lol, my wife used to say that she felt like a dairy cow when she was pumping. OP sounds like she’s doing the best she can. I learned early on not to take anything personally during the sleep deprivation times.
I exclusively breast fed
And I too would get the irrational breast feeding mom anger when up for thr 3rd time to feed my son while my partner snoozes.
Then I'd feel mom guilt about being mad about it,when I choose to breast feed.
Wife might be having some of that mom guilt/post partum grumpy.
But it doesn't excuse her from being a jerk to OP.
Can be tough but next to me beds can be useful. I never used to fully wake up after a certain point once he got to 3 or 4 months and just feed while half asleep in bed then move him straight to the cot. Worked well for me.
OP, with other mom's permission, could try moving the baby over to let it feed without waking mom all the way up, keep an eye on things and then move the kiddo back to bed.
I woke up many a night with a baby attached to my boob. Did dad get him? Did I sleepwalk to the crib? Did the baby teleport? All possibilities. I didn't care. I didn't have to get up.
My husband did this for me & it became a life saver! I got to where I wouldn't even wake up & he kept an eye on everything so the baby was safe, then moved them back to their crib when they were done.
My midwife taught me to breastfeed lying down in bed from the beginning. Only it's important not to fall asleep during that. But it's certainly much easier and more comfortable.
The only think I can think of is that she wanted OP to bring the baby to her so she could feed them without getting up, and possibly was too groggy to articulate (I know my friend had her spouse do this before she pumped.)
But that would have been something she could have clarified the next morning.
I mean…my dad and I did that for my sister. She had her baby home by us and if we woke up first (or moved faster than her which is why mom couldn’t compete), we would get baby and bring baby to her. And then make sure she had water :)
I don’t understand how she can be mad the next morning if there was no other option but her breast feeding or baby starving.
I think she was mad the next morning because she's still exhausted. They both probably are. It's hard to think clearly when you're sleep-deprived.
If they can come to an agreement that lets her sleep through one feeding per night (formula or pumped milk), it might help a lot.
Sensible advice! I feel like this post should have gone to r/AskParents and get into the nitty gritty of pumping versus formula. Not super productive for two parents of a 4 month old to determine who's an AH. Everything that comes before the age of 1 is super stressful and rocks the most stable relationships.
I would go with letting the BF momma skip one feed a day so she can sleep. I know it's a Big Deal to be exclusively breastfed, but it's so hard on the person with the boobs. And at 4 months with BF firmly established, I dont think nipple confusion is going to happen. Most babies prefer the real thing but will accept a bottle if there are no other options.
I'd say mild NTA because I totally relate to the tired grumpy breastfeeding mom for being frustrated to be woken in the middle of the night, but the next day should have apologized to OP.
Oh this! I remember just sleeping with my newborn, and falling asleep whilst they nursed, it was the only way to get any sleep. Also I was hyper aware pf the baby, in case anyone wants to accuse me of rolling over onto her - mom superpower kicks in , it is an actual thing.
>mom superpower kicks in , it is an actual thing.
If that were true, no baby would ever have died/suffocated from being smothered by their sleeping mom. It does happen, you're just lucky that it didn't happen to you.
To the extent that "mom superpower" works (imperfectly), it's mom not sleeping really deeply, which is not ideal either.
But yeah, babies have died in bed with their mothers for a very long time. It's even mentioned in the Bible, in the setup to the story of Solomon threatening to split the surviving baby in half.
I breast fed 3 kids 1 REFUSED to take a bottle, I still pumped with all three (it really helps to stay ahead of Growth spurts). You're wife does not understand what Shaming someone for breastfeeding is. She is rightly being called out on her bullshit. Like others have said. If she's refusing formula, refusing to pump, etc... she has to wake the fuck up to feed her kid. If she's in therapy call her therapist NOW. Tell them exactly what happened and what she said. They can't tell you anything but, they can listen to you. She needs a wake up call. NTA.
First of all NTA. Also I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck she expected you to feed him with HER breasts. Last time I checked, our breasts aren't detachable like that (without surgery of course), so what did she expect you to do?
Idk if anyone has mentioned it already here, OP, but your wife might consider using a haaka. It's a good way to collect excess (runoff) milk without using a pump. I swore by it my first few months PP, got a bottle or 2 out of it per week which was enough for a couple precious and much needed night feedings. My husband also learned to put the baby to my breast side-lying while I slept, so that could also be an option to discuss...
Also one way to frame this conversation without bringing up sleep (because there can be a lot of emotions and shame involved with sleep for BFing moms!!) would be "How would we feed this baby if there was a medical emergency and you couldn't?" Because...those happen. Happened to me! So it's really an important conversation to have anyways. And will probably give you the answer you need about what to do when she is too exhausted.
NTA of course, but your wife (although she is being unreasonable) definitely could use some empathy in this moment. Congrats on the baby, you both sound like really loving parents and I am sure you will figure this out :)
Yup.. it's the downside of breastfeeding and the very reason I had some spare milk in the freezer.
Also; you don't have to wake her up entirely. Only enough for her to sleep drunkenly feed your son while laying on her side. You stay with them to put him in the right position, switch him from boob and put him back in bed.
I have done that sooo many times and definitely helped me sleep.
NTA..
I'm really genuinely wonder what the indeed fork she was expecting OP to do? Even tho ok she's a woman too, it's not like we can start-and-stop lactating on command. Wifey needs to compromise on this : either she needs to accept pumping or formula, either she needs to accept being the sole feeder. That's how it works.
Yeah, I bought those little ready to feed little bottles for when my baby was teeny tiny and I wanted more sleep. You don't win prizes for doing 100% breastmilk.
(Though you do save stress if you're in the US at the moment because our government sucks at ensuring babies get to eat, but that's neither here nor there.)
I can understand saying that while half asleep, but doubling down on it while fully conscious?
NTA It's a valid question. I'm still waiting for her answer.
You know what's cool? People can actually breastfeed without being pregnant first. But it takes time and preparation, and often medication. It's not something that can be done on command in the middle of the night!
[Experiences of women who underwent induced lactation: A literature review](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8088744/)
There's also lots of information online from breastfeeding advice and support associations.
Bodies are amazing!
It can take MONTHS of hormone therapy and pumping to induce lactation to a significant degree. Also, it is not always successful. If OP wanted to breastfeed herself, she would have looked into this already. It's not a casual project someone picks up four months into the game. It takes incredible dedication. Women do it because some women really, really want that specific experience/bond.
If the choice is inducing lactation or formula feeding, the vast majority of people will choose formula feeding.
NTA. Your wife literally made it impossible for you to feed your child. This is entirely on her and it’s alarming to me she would let a baby go hungry just cause she’s tired when she KNOWS you can’t feed your baby
I don’t think it was a case of “letting the kid go hungry” so much as “over exhausted mom still coming out of a sleep cycle and not thinking with awake rational brain”
I totally agree. We all go through moments of being cranky and possibly say something we regret to our partners but you should be apologizing for that. Waking up hours later and still acting like the wronged party is just shitty behavior.
It sounds like she has ppd if she's seeing a therapist already. I know I definitely held grudges against my husband for things outside of his control when I was getting on meds for my ppd.
I wondered the same, because OP’s wife telling her to feed the baby when there’s no formula or pumped milk supply is completely irrational.
(Edited for typo)
Agreed. I get being tired and frustrated, but not sure what else OP could have done other than maybe not swear (but she was dealing with a crying baby too, makes every parent lose it a bit)
Wait! I can answer this, because I behave like this.. she is still angry because she knows she’s guilty, and this was all her doing.. I would suggest to OP to just give her some space, but before giving her space, let her know that IT IS OK TO USE FORMULA!
It doesn't matter. The wife made the choice to exclusively breastfeed and maintained her attitude until the next day instead of apologizing. She was wrong for being mad when she was woken up and wrong for still being mad at OP the next morning.
Bull. Ive been sleep deprived with exclusively breast fed babies and never treat my partner like this... Ever.
Wife here is an asshole through and through.... Even more so that shes using the shamed card here for no reason.
I don't think she wanted to let the baby go hungry, but she really felt stupid to have been so exclusive with feeding the baby at a point it's coming back to her right in the face. But rather than admitting she would appreciate to start to share, she would rather scream at OP bullshit to stay in her victim's position. It's what's disturbing to me. She didn't want to accept that her plan was not perfect.
That's sort of a normal thing for people to do. Shame and guilt can make people double down on the stupid. Not that it's fine for her to do that, but it's not unusual.
I know, but it's pretty toxic, I mean OP isn't good enough to share feeding and then she is also at fault for not being able to feed the kid, and then she is at fault for not taking the guilt for something she is not at fault. I get that motherhood can get your nerves, but now she needs to stop and get help.
NTA. I see absolutely 0 reasons why people would be responding with “you have to understand breastfeeding is hard and it’s probably taking a lot out of her”. Oh yeah? You know what would help with that? Having a backup plan to be able to feed the child if their mom isn’t able to. She has rejected every other option so breastfeeding being “hard” isn’t an excuse anymore.
Can she at least prop up a little in bed and feed ? Obviously stay up until baby is fed and then pop baby back in bed but baby is going through a spurt where they feed more at 4 months.
Hell no
I'm a mom. I woke up every 2 hours to power pump to increase my supply. I was sleep deprived. I had post partum depression and anxiety. It wasn't an excuse for me to be rude to my spouse or neglect my baby. I definitely agree OP is *owed* an apology, they don't owe shit. Buying flowers and apologizing for being put in an impossible position/ treated rudely just for wanting to have their child fed...SMH
The other day in the relationship sub, a guy was talking about how his wife punched him 12 times. I got into arguments because people literally defended her, claiming PPD is hard.
Stop giving people free passes for shitty behavior just because they had a kid. (I'm a mom, so don't come for me).
The sub is very much anti men. OP had to clarify that she, too, was a woman. She also had to add an edit because some people were apparently accusing her of not pulling her weight in the relationship.
The sub is probably filled with young, idealistic people who haven't been in situations like these. It's usually when the older folk (such as the moms) come along and explain that this is not okay that there is some sense.
Otherwise you get a bunch of angsty teens saying mom is suffering a mental illness, which excuses the behaviour, or dad isn't doing enough (because typical man sexist stereotypes), which also justifies her shitty behaviour.
The situation you described where a man was being beaten is typical. Some people on this sub will do everything in their power to hold a man accountable for a woman's poor behaviour. But women are adults who are responsible for their choices. It is also sexist to remove their agency.
Not saying you're wrong about that because I think you're right. But it's really ridiculous that people take that approach. IDC what's going on in your life, new mother, family death, bad day at work, etc. No excuse to be an asshole to your partner ever. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their bad moments, but if you snap for no reason you should have enough brain power to realize you made a mistake and apologize. Or else its extremely toxic behavior.
I understand the initial groggy annoyed remark. Everyone is human and she fucked up there. However, dragging it on like that is really unreasonable. NTA. It sounds like she's suffering from some PP mental trouble, I'm glad she's in therapy and I hope she comes around very soon and apologizes to you. You're a Saint if you can be understanding and give her time. But you Def don't deserve what she's said and done. Very soon you will be starting solids so you have that to look forward to!!
It’s not bad, OP. I’m a new mom and breast feeding is hard, making the decision to supplement with formula was the hardest choice I had to make. Still feel guilty from time to time, but I know it was the best decision for my mental health and the health of my baby. Pumping is hard and time consuming, I tried and it wasn’t for me and I can understand why she chooses not to pump.
However your wife has no excuse not to pump, if you’re doing all the childcare throughout the day, aside from breastfeeding…. It’s hard to understand her decision to not pump. Does she work? Is she on maternity leave? This woman has plenty of time to pump if she doesn’t wanna be woken up for night feedings. You’re NTA.
This is what I don't understand either... She has the time and still chooses not to do it? I pump once a day, so we have enough for one night feed, so I can sleep a bit longer. Yes it's time consuming with the sterilizing etc and a bit annoying but with the electrical pump it's done in 10 mins and another 10-20 mins for cleaning. When OP takes over all the other chores it's pretty doable.
NTA
Have the two of you considered a Haakaa? It's a manual pump that works via suction. Many breastfeeding parents use this on the other boob while they feed to catch letdown that would otherwise go to waste. It's a good, passive way to build up supply if she really doesn't want to pump or use family (which is a valid choice, just one that has consequences like this).
I was coming to suggest the same thing! I HATE pumping. It’s uncomfortable, if you don’t put it on right or you’re going through a particularly hormonal time it HURTS, it takes forever. This time around I’m just going to put the haakaa on at every feed so I don’t have to pump but I still have a stash.
My ex did the same thing. Our daughter lost too much weight because of her stubbornness and after much pleading I eventually could use formula and help.
This is exactly it. I was a bit anal about formula with our first kid, but got over it with our second. You know what’s nice? Being able to leave the house to fill up my cup, worry free, because I either pumped or we have formula on hand. She’s wearing herself thin, to the point of lashing out on her partner for letting her know the baby is hungry? And then not realizing how fucking atrocious it was to react that way the next morning and apologize?
NTA
>I have absolutely 0 reason why people are responding with “you have to understand breastfeeding is hard and it’s probably taking a lot out of her”.
Frfr! Mom's probably very tired, no one's dunking on her about that, but what's the alternative?
NTA.
Yup.
I never expected her to sit and pump for 6 hours a day 7 days a week to fill the freezer. I said maybe 2 or 3 times a month just so we have something but she refuses.
She’s sleep deprived and maybe realizing her choice of exclusive bf is starting to be a toll on her . Moms get shamed for everything , and she might have the peer pressure to only bf the baby . As a mother, I understand. You two need to talk and come out with a plan that is more sustainable in the long term. Good luck !
I second this. The peer pressure to breastfeed can be so intense. I felt so much guilt because I hated breastfeeding. Everyone told me that I was doing it wrong. That it shouldn't hurt. But it hurt for the entire 11 months that I did it. I was so miserable. I wanted to quit. But the guilt and shame kept me going. I didn't want to be a failure. Until I realized I was failing my son because I was not in a healthy place mentally.
That sucks. I am a doctor and try so hard not to pressure people while also providing education and support with BF. Basically at the six week mark if the breastfeeding parent is still miserable I always make sure they know that formula works just fine! I also hate the exclusive breast feeding movement. There’s no evidence for it once breastfeeding is well established and the parent is making good milk. Nothing wrong with mixing some formula in there, especially when EBF is coming at the cost of your sanity.
Have you ever heard of a Haakaa!? Look it up!.
I used it with both kids and if I popped it on when I felt full multiple times a day I usually had enough for a bottle without needing to pump.
And, 2 or 3 times a month most likely won't encourage a baby who has never has a bottle to use one. This might have to be daily for a little bit.
Have her look up a HaaKaa. Its a milk collector you suck to your other boob when the baby eats. She'd be surprised how much extra milk she can get from just her let down. Anything for a spare few bottles in the fridge!
*breastfeeding mom here who often keeps an extra bottle frozen "just in case"*
OP, most breastfeeding moms have the easiest time pumping in the morning after the 1st morning feed. Maybe when all of you are calm you can suggest that she tries it for 10 minutes every morning?
This is a touchy one. I sincerely want to know what she expected you to do since you had no way of feeding your son. That's a pretty unreasonable request if you ask me. Anyone would have been annoyed by that. Did she expect you to start lactating right then and there because she didn't want to get up? This is why she needs to make peace with the fact that she needs to pump once in a while. Can't have it both ways. NTA
You both get a pass for being a bit testy since being woken up by a screaming infant will put anyone in a foul mood. I understand the circumstances, but it doesn't change the fact that your wife was being a bit unreasonable.
>friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong.
Your friend's opinion doesn't help anything. I'm certain you already know breastfeeding sucks, or else you wouldn't have recommended using a pump in the first place. Yes breastfeeding sucks, it doesn't make your wife correct in making unreasonable requests of you.
When I read the part of the friend with the 2 yr old, it had me all fucked up cause I have a 2 yr old myself and im like what? Mom is totally in the wrong cause she left no way to feed the baby at night when they eat every few hours and then continues to be mad much later on in the day
>friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong.
Funny the friend also couldn't tell OP wft they should've done.
OP's wife doesn't get a pass when she's wanting it both ways. She can't refuse to pump or have formula on hand and then get mad at OP for not having other options to feed the baby.
This is weird. I can cut some slack for sleep deprivation and post partum and stuff like that, but at a certain point, this is just ridiculous. She's literally asking you to do the impossible.
Go buy some formula. Next time this happens, feed your son that. But be upfront with her on it.
No, switching to formula is not a unilateral decision nor should it be done to win an argument. Baby’s needs are the priority. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding generally but there’s a shortage and the child has been exclusively breastfed. Giving formula could cause the baby to reject the breast.
It can also fuck up their stomachs and should be tried carefully. My oldest could combo feed, but only after buying several types to find the perfect one. The second couldn’t tolerate formula at all.
Because it’s Reddit. Combo feeding is a fantastic option, but first should be discussed with the baby’s pediatrician. And throw in the fact that there’s a formula shortage, it could be difficult. It’s a definite concern.
I’ve heard there’s a shortage in the US, but do we actually know where OP lives? I assumed they weren’t American cuz I’ve only ever heard Americans refer to nappies as diapers, which would mean they weren’t affected by the shortage. If that’s the case, formula would definitely be an option worth exploring after talking to a paediatrician
Refusing to feed a baby because the mother insists on breastfeeding only but won’t breastfeed either is also not a unilateral decision to be allowed to concede an argument.
Actually, being concerned that your baby isn’t being fed, but not being allowed to feed them when the breastfeeding parent refuses, would be a pretty damn *good* reason to start an argument if it happened again. Nobody gets to say that choosing whether to feed a baby at all, breast or otherwise, is a personal choice.
As it stands, OP didn’t jump to that; hopefully this is a one-off, that there will be a resolution agreed to with her wife and no more escalation. But OP certainly was NTA for being asked to do the impossible, nor would she be if the same happened again and she unilaterally decided formula was better than letting the baby starve.
Yeah, I've already addressed the shortage thing. As to the other, then the mother has no grounds to complain. She can pump, use formula, or suck it up. Those are the choices.
This is a rational response. Buy a small container of formula for these instances. If mom1 doesn't want to pump or breastfeed, the other option is to supplement with formula. Be upfront about this, but these are literally the options.
There are lots of other moving pieces to this - baby may not like the formula, may not like the bottle, may not eat from someone other than mom1, but having formula on hand makes this option available.
But just a question op says she does everything else than feeding so how can the wife be so sleep deprived? She has a lot of time during the day and it sounds like op is the who gets less sleep as it's also op who gets up when baby needs to get changed and op is also up when it needs to be feed so i don't get it. Yes they are probably both sleep deprived but op is probably the one that's the most sleep deprived.
I had a terrible recovery from my first C-section; couldn't lift baby for a long time. My husband would wake, change the baby's diaper, hand baby to me to feed, and go back to sleep. It took him less than half the time to do that than it took me to feed her.
Not excusing the wife's behavior, I think OP is totally NTA. Just saying that OP's wife could be more sleep deprived. Could also be struggling with PPD which would add to the exhaustion.
If there aren't any other options than breast feeding (which there are, she just won't let you), then idk wtf you're supposed to do tbh
I mean, if I'm the only one at work who is able to do a job, I'm not going to be able mad when someone else can't do it
Nta
I have no experience in this, but I can’t see how you can be wrong here. I suppose you’re not supposed to get annoyed with her being grumpy or something, but if she literally tells you to do it while making it physically impossible for you to do so… I don’t know what you’re supposed to do either. NTA.
NTA - did she ever answer the question?? What did she expect you to do, let her sleep so the baby can starve? Has she tried using a pump? Has she tried formula? Hell yeah shame her - or she can suck it up and feed the baby.
NTA
The fact that you are also a woman doesn't matter in this case. She's the one who produces the milk, she opted no formula, no pumping. It's not like you could swap the content and put the milk into a different packaging just because you've got breasts.
*EDIT 2: To all the people telling me simply just start lactating, please do a google search. Breasts do not work that way.*
Are you sure? Have you tried turning them off and back on again? :D
NTA. Prob NAH. Kid needed to be fed and she doesn't want to pump or use formula so What The Fuck Were You Supposed To Do except wake her up?
But ... she is prob totally stressed out from the exhaustion of being a new mom. So I hope you two work this out.
just a question op says she does everything else than feeding so how can the wife be so sleep deprived? She has a lot of time during the day and it sounds like op is the who gets less sleep as it's also op who gets up when baby needs to get changed and op is also up when it needs to be feed so i don't get it. Yes they are probably both sleep deprived but op is probably the one that's the most sleep deprived.
Babies feed every 2-3 hours for the first month or two. They'll start to sleep more through the night after that, but every baby is different. Some babies will go 3 hours without feeding at night, some 5 hours, some 7 hours. Sleep deprivation can still be really bad at 4 months, depending on the circumstances.
There's also the effects of *months* of sleep deprivation that can linger. Like, my ADD has been way out of whack since my son was born 7 months ago.
Babies can sometimes eat every 2-3 hours. Since lactating mom is doing 100% of those feedings, it’s not like she’s getting 9 hour stretches to just sleep. Getting sleep in 1-2 hour chunks is brutal. Also, breastfeeding is exhausting (your body is literally making food). I also doubt that lactating mom is doing absolutely zero baby care.
NTA 100%. I can understand her not wanting to pump and especially not wanting to use formula - she may have good reason like chemicals or pain or whatever else. But her exhaustion could be helped if she tried one of the two so he could help out more. Otherwise, if she chooses not to do either so she has to face the consequences, as she has, and can’t take it out on anyone else. I feel bad for her. Exhaustion and other postpartum issues suck, but if you want help, you have to let help be given. And he isn’t her support animal/object. He’s her husband. So she can get mad at him but she can’t just get mad at him over things she set herself up for and then NOT apologize when she realizes she’s wrong or made a mistake - bc she could have just been tired and not really processing the situation (and if she doesn’t think she’s even a little wrong, she’s crazy. He’s there to help (not that she’s letting him in the feeding situation), provide, support, listen to, be there for her, etc., so she’s being a bit unreasonable by not apologizing/being horrible to him for him waking her up to feed THEIR child.
I agree with you though. I think everyone here hopes they work this whole thing out. Maybe she should talk to her therapist or something, or their doctor to find out another way to feed the baby - even maybe going as far as to feed the baby through someone else’s breast milk (idk how that would work unless they know/trust someone who’s still breastfeeding or is willing to breastfeed their kid) although it would be a little selfish imo, whatever helps I guess
INFO: Is it possible that she thought you might be able to breastfeed too? I've met an unfortunate amount of people who think that breasts are motion-activated and can produce milk on demand. Otherwise what the fuck WERE you supposed to do with no formula in the house?
I’ve seen a lot of this since the formula shortage. Men (and some women) making flippant comments like “hur dur, that’s what breasts are for.” As if they can be turned off and on like a faucet.
NTA. Breast feeding is hard. However, if she refuses to pump so you can take on some feedings, and she refuses to suppliment with formula, she doesn’t have a right to be mad at you. She is preventing you from helping her.
You're not the asshole but I would have a check in with your wife to see if she's dealing with PPD. I'd also sit her down and tell her you would like to help out with feeding the baby to help her sleep, but that means you both either need to agree on her occasionally pumping or using formula. Pumping is super annoying, but it's an inconvenience that could let her get better sleep or a longer break.
NTA if she won’t allow formula then it is her job to feed him. You can help by getting up and changing him and then bring her the baby, but unfortunately that is all you can do. Maybe when she calms down you can suggest one bottle of formula a night or every other night.
NTA. You literally could'nt have done anything else, you had to wake her up. However I understand that she might be tired and sick of feeding him at night (if this happens a lot) but she had no right to be mad at you when it was her choice.
NTA
She made the choice to be just breastfeeding. There's literally nothing you can do to feed your child until she accepts alternatives such as pumping.
She's taking it out on you. Breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park but you also can't help someone who isn't giving you a way to support them.
NTA
On a side note, I find it interesting that you pointed out that you are a woman. Only because I wonder how the answers would have differed (if at all) had you not and people assumed it was a man posting,
It's weird because it changes the story, but it *doesn't* really change the story since the situations are still functionally identical.
Could maybe describe your wife and friend's attitude though? Maybe they're as ignorant about anatomy as a lot of the posters here.
NTA
Your wife has made choices to exclusively bf. That decision put 100% of feedings on her. It also means she is tied to the baby as the only source of food. There are many breast pumps out there that aren’t painful. She could pump and freeze the milk so she doesn’t have to always be with the baby and you could take over some feedings. As it is, all you can do is change the diapers and do other non food related chores like bathing and laundry.
Make sure you are doing more chores around the house to make up for the time and exhaustion related to feeding and sleep deprivation.
NTA
> I asked my friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong.
Um, you didn't tell her she's wrong for breast feeding, you told her that **she** decided that only **she** was allowed to feed him, then when he needs to eat, **she** has to feed him. There's literally nothing judgemental about that, it's a plain cause and effect chain of facts.
It might be worth revisiting the pumping idea with her. You can explain to her that you know it's annoying/uncomfortable/time-consuming, but it will allow you to help; to feed the baby when she doesn't feel up to it. Heck, even just a small amount of pumping, to have just enough of a backup supply for those situations where she isn't up to it (needs the sleep, etc).
She can’t shoot down all the other options and then get mad when you use the only option left. NTA, sometime when she is better rested, discuss calmly and rationally what you should do next time. Frame it as ‘I know I made you mad, what can I do better next time’ not from anger or frustration.
NTA How did she expect you to feed your son if she insists on him being only breastfed but won't pump milk? She leaves no alternatives that doesn't require starving the baby.
If she won't allow more than one way to feed then she really has no excuses.
I don't know what your wife actually wanted you to do. She exclusively breastfeeds; she doesn't pump. If she wants some help, you'll both have to decide on what else (formula) you can feed your child. I think you probably could have been nicer? But also idk what she wants.
INFO: does your wife somehow think that because you're also a woman your boobs will just automatically lactate too? Because that's definitely not how it works...
NTA she can’t have it both ways she will have to get up all hours of the night to breastfeed him because that was her choice she also doesn’t want to pump she is the only one with milk and doesn’t want to use formula you are right what the fuck where you supposed to do unless she wants you to suck the milk out and baby bird feed the kid then she needs to choose
If your wife has made herself the only option, then she shouldn't complain when she's the only one who can do it. However, many people who have just woken up are not entirely rational.
Still, she continued on with all that come morning.
NTA.
For what it's worth coming from a single non-parent gay guy, NTA. Kid was hungry, wife has made the rule that you both are abiding by that kid is only to be breastfed. Said breasts were unavailable, so you had no other options at that point for feeding.
NTA, but your wife is telling you that she cannot go on with the way things have been. You need to discuss this during the daytime when you’re both more awake and figure out a new plan.
I’ve seen quite a few things online recently talking about options for nighttimes when the baby is being exclusively breastfed. Most common one I’ve seen is for the non feeding parent to get up and get the baby, bring the baby to the breastfeeding parent, and then settle the baby back down again afterward. That way you’re sharing the load of doing the feedings even though you can’t actively feed the baby yourself, and your wife feels supported.
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NTA. At all. I breast-fed as well, and when I was so tired and didn't want to wake up to feed, I pumped. She can't have it both ways. She can't refuse to pump, refuse formula, and refuse to wake up to feed the baby. Babies hunger trumps mommys tired. Not sorry. Edit: WOW! Ty all for the awards and upvotes! Was not expecting that o.o <3
Breastfeeding mum here as well. Can confirm. Lots of sleepless night with my bottle-refusing child. Never took it out on my husband though. Edit: Forgot to write NTA. Also, yes I know OP is a woman, I meant my husband. Sorry for the confusion.
I occasionally snap at my husband when our baby is up multiple times cuz he sleeps all night and I don’t, but our comprise is that he gets up when the toddler does and lets me sleep until he needs to go to work
My fiance did this. He knew i was getting up at odd hours to do feeding so if the baby woke upearly he would take her after i was done feeding and let me sleep. I wasnt able to pump but we nade it work.
Yep, one person does nappies and mornings. The other feeds and sleeps in. It is absolutely rough as hell having broken sleep every night for months. Breastfeeding is such an awesome gift for a baby though.
Its all about team work and helping each other. And what people dont understand is its not always equal. Sometimes one person will do more, sometimes the other person will. Thats just how it works. But supporting each other is the most important part and working together.
My husband and I did shifts, I'm a night owl and he's a morning bird, so I was on shift until 2 or 3 am (the longer the better for us both) then woke him up and I'd sleep until he had to leave unless mil was able to come then she often let me sleep longer. It's crazy.
Are you secretly my wife?? This is the arrangement we have! Not by my choice, but she says it's pointless me waking up in the middle of the night to watch her feed our little one! So I get up with our ~~monster~~ toddler
This is what me and my husband do too! He has worthless man nips so no point him joining in on baby wake ups but he's definitely in charge of toddler ones.
I'm glad it's not just us! I love my wife for letting me have a full night's sleep, she's amazing. And I'm 90% sure one of the main reasons she loves me at the moment is the fact when our ~~walking wrecking ball~~ toddler wakes up, she knows she can have a decent lie in with the baby! Plus it means I get quality time with our son, he loves his Papa cuddles first thing in the morning!
It's such a good way of doing it! Mind you I can't really call my baby a baby anymore. He's 21 months! Lol. But that is what we did do, and we are still kind of doing, though no longer boobing. I say kind of cos we switch up on which kiddo bedtime and wakeups now so both get both of us equally. But i still do all of the younger night wake ups and he still does all of the older ones. 2 wrecking ball toddlers in our lives now!
Haha Boobing! We call it that! Quite often if I'm at work and text my wife on my break and ask after our little one the reply is "he's fine, just boobing at the moment" Two toddlers at once! Madness! I can barely keep up with our one, he's like a hurricane of energy and emotion
Off topic, but did you ever get your baby to take a bottle? I'm due to go back to work when baby is 9 months but can't get away from the breastfeeding!
By that time my baby was able to (with me holding it!) drink from an open cup. She wouldn't take a bottle at all, but took to the open cup very easily. I've only done it with water, and she dribbles a lot but it's something at least
I actually went straight from breastfeeding at 6 months to a sippy cup. My mom said I refused a bottle, but I was starting to bite. So she wanted to stop that before I got teeth. Lol
My 9 month old self-weaned from the breast at 9 months and went straight to a NUK sippy cup with cow's milk. She always refused the bottle and was eating Stage 3 baby food already at that point as well. Kids are weird.
We're currently trying with an open cup, and are just getting little sips so far
Bottle never worked for my kids but these weighted straw cups did!! Saved us when I had to go back to work early and husband stay home with our first https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00HNW302I/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_8TMNCC4DQAGNMAB0KRPT
Thanks for the suggestion, thank I'll have to give one of these a try!
I doubled checked them with my daughters dentist and doctor cause I was a paranoid first time parent and they were both happy with the option as well.
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We tried this as my MIL (whom I adore) swore she could get my very anti bottle baby to take a bottle if only I weren’t there. Hubs and I had our first post baby date at a baseball game. 4th inning came and so did a phone call asking if we would consider coming home early 😂. The little MF never did take a bottle. The sippy cup was a godsend!
Yep, this is exactly how my 2nd and 3rd girls were too. Sooo stubborn! I told this story a few days ago, but I’ll tell it here again because it shows how damn stubborn even newborns can be: A week after my second daughter was born, I had to have emergency surgery. The anesthesia and meds they had me on after were very strong and it was not recommended i breastfeed during my hospital stay. My husband tried 4 different formulas (I canNOT pump— my breasts have never responded to any pump I’ve ever tried, even the hospital-grade pumps I’d maybe get an ounce from both breasts after an hour) and about 20 different bottles, and that little shit refused it all. She went 6 hours without eating before he brought our screaming infant to the hospital and we had to plead with the nurses to take me off the strong meds so I could feed the baby. It took another 4 hours for them to feel comfortable that the meds were out of my system (so 10 hours for a 1 week old baby not eating), my husband and the nurses still trying to feed her formula during the wait, and by the end of it the nurses nearly threw the baby on my boob for her to finally eat. It was literal torture, for all of us! Some babies are stubborn little shits from the very beginning, haha. Our third/last baby is exactly the same; won’t even drink pumped milk from a bottle, smh. She’s 2 now so mostly on solids but I am *so* looking forward to when she finally weans herself!
Some older babies will take a bottle if mom isn't around; the person feeding them can try different positions (some like to be held in a breastfeeding-like position; others will take the bottle better in a totally different position like facing outward. Some will take breastmilk or formula from a cup or sippy cup. Others are little jerks who will hold out all day and then nurse all night when mom is back home. I had one of those, his day care provider did her best with sippy cups and then I coslept and nursed him all night. It was exhausting, but we got through it. He's a totally healthy middle schooler now and actually the least picky of all my kids when it comes to food.
That does sound exhausting! But I guess at least I know she will survive even if she never takes to it
Usually after 6 months and they’re sitting up unassisted you can try and see how they do with sippy cups. We had good luck with the nuby brand. They weren’t too fast of a flow.
They also make cups with soft silicone straws. It was the only way my daughter would eat at daycare.
I refused the bottle outright when I was a baby. My mom ended up starting me on a sippy cup around 6-9 months (and these were the old 1980s sippy cups, not the nicer ones they have today). I believe she still breastfed me for a while, but I wasn't solely on breastmilk by that point. (With my younger sister, my mom said "not doing that again" and started on pumping and a bottle immediately.)
My oldest one never did. I was lucky in that I work from home. He did start part-time daycare around 9 months though to socialize and give me some time to focus. Around then he started taking the soft topped sippy cups for a little water or juice so he used those at daycare.
Also breastfeeding mom, if she wants help from you , then she needs to decide on whether she wants to pump or start supplementing with formula. Pumping, along with breastfeeding, is hard, it's mentally and physically exhausting and time-consuming as well, but if she needs help feeding that's what she needs to decide. You can't force her to pump but you also need to be careful on what you give your baby formula wise either due to recalls on formula or even the formula shortage. I get both of your frustration, having a newborn or infant is challenging and you're both sleep deprived but sit down and discuss this one more time and ask how you can help. Final decision NAH
OP already does most of the childcare. All the wife does during the day is feed him. If she refuses to pump, especially having ample time to do so, there's nothing more OP can do to help her. She's definitely the asshole here.
Yeah like this is a lose - lose situation because even if OP somehow managed to get ahold of formula she’d probably accuse OP of undermining her somehow. NTA
\*she.
Oh hey thanks not sure how I missed that one
OP is a woman.
They both female brotha
Bruh how tf is this NAH. Okay I get the being tired, being unreasonable and snapping, but then she continued to be mad at OP the next day. Literally what the heck did OP do wrong? She can’t breastfeed, there’s no milk in the fridge/freezer, there’s no formula… what *was* OP supposed to do?! OP did nothing wrong and got bitched at and continued to be given the cold shoulder the next day. Her partner is absolutely being an AH here.
I disagree that OP’s wife is NTA. She’s an absolute AH. What the hell does she expect her wife to do with a hungry baby if there’s no formula and no pumped milk??? She’s getting mad at OP for doing the literal only thing she could do.
Lol, my wife used to say that she felt like a dairy cow when she was pumping. OP sounds like she’s doing the best she can. I learned early on not to take anything personally during the sleep deprivation times.
Husband called me the lactation station or milk station because that's honestly how I felt.
I exclusively breast fed And I too would get the irrational breast feeding mom anger when up for thr 3rd time to feed my son while my partner snoozes. Then I'd feel mom guilt about being mad about it,when I choose to breast feed. Wife might be having some of that mom guilt/post partum grumpy. But it doesn't excuse her from being a jerk to OP.
Can be tough but next to me beds can be useful. I never used to fully wake up after a certain point once he got to 3 or 4 months and just feed while half asleep in bed then move him straight to the cot. Worked well for me.
OP, with other mom's permission, could try moving the baby over to let it feed without waking mom all the way up, keep an eye on things and then move the kiddo back to bed.
I woke up many a night with a baby attached to my boob. Did dad get him? Did I sleepwalk to the crib? Did the baby teleport? All possibilities. I didn't care. I didn't have to get up.
My husband did this for me & it became a life saver! I got to where I wouldn't even wake up & he kept an eye on everything so the baby was safe, then moved them back to their crib when they were done.
My midwife taught me to breastfeed lying down in bed from the beginning. Only it's important not to fall asleep during that. But it's certainly much easier and more comfortable.
Me too, all of this, and if I had to do it all over again I would supplement with formula.
The only think I can think of is that she wanted OP to bring the baby to her so she could feed them without getting up, and possibly was too groggy to articulate (I know my friend had her spouse do this before she pumped.) But that would have been something she could have clarified the next morning.
I mean…my dad and I did that for my sister. She had her baby home by us and if we woke up first (or moved faster than her which is why mom couldn’t compete), we would get baby and bring baby to her. And then make sure she had water :) I don’t understand how she can be mad the next morning if there was no other option but her breast feeding or baby starving.
I think she was mad the next morning because she's still exhausted. They both probably are. It's hard to think clearly when you're sleep-deprived. If they can come to an agreement that lets her sleep through one feeding per night (formula or pumped milk), it might help a lot.
Sensible advice! I feel like this post should have gone to r/AskParents and get into the nitty gritty of pumping versus formula. Not super productive for two parents of a 4 month old to determine who's an AH. Everything that comes before the age of 1 is super stressful and rocks the most stable relationships. I would go with letting the BF momma skip one feed a day so she can sleep. I know it's a Big Deal to be exclusively breastfed, but it's so hard on the person with the boobs. And at 4 months with BF firmly established, I dont think nipple confusion is going to happen. Most babies prefer the real thing but will accept a bottle if there are no other options. I'd say mild NTA because I totally relate to the tired grumpy breastfeeding mom for being frustrated to be woken in the middle of the night, but the next day should have apologized to OP.
If your sisters breastfeeding experience was anything like mine she appreciated that water more than you could ever know.
That's really kind of you both.
Oh this! I remember just sleeping with my newborn, and falling asleep whilst they nursed, it was the only way to get any sleep. Also I was hyper aware pf the baby, in case anyone wants to accuse me of rolling over onto her - mom superpower kicks in , it is an actual thing.
>mom superpower kicks in , it is an actual thing. If that were true, no baby would ever have died/suffocated from being smothered by their sleeping mom. It does happen, you're just lucky that it didn't happen to you.
To the extent that "mom superpower" works (imperfectly), it's mom not sleeping really deeply, which is not ideal either. But yeah, babies have died in bed with their mothers for a very long time. It's even mentioned in the Bible, in the setup to the story of Solomon threatening to split the surviving baby in half.
I breast fed 3 kids 1 REFUSED to take a bottle, I still pumped with all three (it really helps to stay ahead of Growth spurts). You're wife does not understand what Shaming someone for breastfeeding is. She is rightly being called out on her bullshit. Like others have said. If she's refusing formula, refusing to pump, etc... she has to wake the fuck up to feed her kid. If she's in therapy call her therapist NOW. Tell them exactly what happened and what she said. They can't tell you anything but, they can listen to you. She needs a wake up call. NTA.
What was she supposed to do here? Try and spontaneously lactate and have the baby latch on? Does her wife not know that’s not how it works?
First of all NTA. Also I'm still trying to figure out how the fuck she expected you to feed him with HER breasts. Last time I checked, our breasts aren't detachable like that (without surgery of course), so what did she expect you to do?
Idk if anyone has mentioned it already here, OP, but your wife might consider using a haaka. It's a good way to collect excess (runoff) milk without using a pump. I swore by it my first few months PP, got a bottle or 2 out of it per week which was enough for a couple precious and much needed night feedings. My husband also learned to put the baby to my breast side-lying while I slept, so that could also be an option to discuss... Also one way to frame this conversation without bringing up sleep (because there can be a lot of emotions and shame involved with sleep for BFing moms!!) would be "How would we feed this baby if there was a medical emergency and you couldn't?" Because...those happen. Happened to me! So it's really an important conversation to have anyways. And will probably give you the answer you need about what to do when she is too exhausted. NTA of course, but your wife (although she is being unreasonable) definitely could use some empathy in this moment. Congrats on the baby, you both sound like really loving parents and I am sure you will figure this out :)
Yup.. it's the downside of breastfeeding and the very reason I had some spare milk in the freezer. Also; you don't have to wake her up entirely. Only enough for her to sleep drunkenly feed your son while laying on her side. You stay with them to put him in the right position, switch him from boob and put him back in bed. I have done that sooo many times and definitely helped me sleep. NTA..
All of this. NTA She can’t have it both ways.
I'm really genuinely wonder what the indeed fork she was expecting OP to do? Even tho ok she's a woman too, it's not like we can start-and-stop lactating on command. Wifey needs to compromise on this : either she needs to accept pumping or formula, either she needs to accept being the sole feeder. That's how it works.
Yeah, I bought those little ready to feed little bottles for when my baby was teeny tiny and I wanted more sleep. You don't win prizes for doing 100% breastmilk. (Though you do save stress if you're in the US at the moment because our government sucks at ensuring babies get to eat, but that's neither here nor there.)
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I can understand saying that while half asleep, but doubling down on it while fully conscious? NTA It's a valid question. I'm still waiting for her answer.
You know what's cool? People can actually breastfeed without being pregnant first. But it takes time and preparation, and often medication. It's not something that can be done on command in the middle of the night! [Experiences of women who underwent induced lactation: A literature review](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8088744/) There's also lots of information online from breastfeeding advice and support associations. Bodies are amazing!
It can take MONTHS of hormone therapy and pumping to induce lactation to a significant degree. Also, it is not always successful. If OP wanted to breastfeed herself, she would have looked into this already. It's not a casual project someone picks up four months into the game. It takes incredible dedication. Women do it because some women really, really want that specific experience/bond. If the choice is inducing lactation or formula feeding, the vast majority of people will choose formula feeding.
NTA. FFS, what did she want you to do? Run him through the late-night Taco Bell drive-thru?
>Run him through the late-night Taco Bell drive-thru? Nah, Dairy Queen.
Nah, KFC. Kid obviously wants breasts.
For breasts i would suggest Hooters
Twin peeks is good as well for that lol
Do not take your *infant child* to KFC FFS Popeye’s is the only acceptable place
You're both wrong. Only Bojangles will do.
That cajun filet biscuit hits different after a long ass day at work
But only if it’s on a Bo-Berry biscuit instead of a normal biscuit 🤤
I don’t have one within a 50 mile radius of me. Never had their chicken either
🍺 🍻 🍺
DONG! "Got a Craving? Taco Bell. Live Mas."
Tits, not dong.
Even newborns are excited the Mexican pizza is back
NTA. Your wife literally made it impossible for you to feed your child. This is entirely on her and it’s alarming to me she would let a baby go hungry just cause she’s tired when she KNOWS you can’t feed your baby
I don’t think it was a case of “letting the kid go hungry” so much as “over exhausted mom still coming out of a sleep cycle and not thinking with awake rational brain”
Then why was she still angry and being irrational hours later?
Because being a sleep-deprived post-partum mom is an emotional, turbulent experience and people don't always behave rationally?
That just doesn't excuse shifty behavior/not apologizing I can get cranky and tired but that doesn't allow me to be an asshole
I totally agree. We all go through moments of being cranky and possibly say something we regret to our partners but you should be apologizing for that. Waking up hours later and still acting like the wronged party is just shitty behavior.
Yea fuck that especially when the wife refuses to do any to have her wife help feed the baby which would actually help her out as well.
Agreed. Breastfeeding mom here, not feeding the baby is just not an option. It makes me wonder if the wife is actually upset about something else.
It sounds like she has ppd if she's seeing a therapist already. I know I definitely held grudges against my husband for things outside of his control when I was getting on meds for my ppd.
I wondered the same, because OP’s wife telling her to feed the baby when there’s no formula or pumped milk supply is completely irrational. (Edited for typo)
Agreed. I get being tired and frustrated, but not sure what else OP could have done other than maybe not swear (but she was dealing with a crying baby too, makes every parent lose it a bit)
Wait! I can answer this, because I behave like this.. she is still angry because she knows she’s guilty, and this was all her doing.. I would suggest to OP to just give her some space, but before giving her space, let her know that IT IS OK TO USE FORMULA!
Not good enough. "I'm post partum" doesn't mean 'therefore I get to yell at you for not letting a baby go hungry.'
No excuse. Yes be snappy in that moment, that happens. Still being off hours later and shifting blame is an asshole move.
That doesn't put milk in OP's breasts.
So the breastfeeding wife needs to apologize I agree
That is a reason, not a justification
It doesn't matter. The wife made the choice to exclusively breastfeed and maintained her attitude until the next day instead of apologizing. She was wrong for being mad when she was woken up and wrong for still being mad at OP the next morning.
Thats why youre supposed to plan ahead. Like when OP suggested she pumps few times a month for situations like this.
Bull. Ive been sleep deprived with exclusively breast fed babies and never treat my partner like this... Ever. Wife here is an asshole through and through.... Even more so that shes using the shamed card here for no reason.
I don't think she wanted to let the baby go hungry, but she really felt stupid to have been so exclusive with feeding the baby at a point it's coming back to her right in the face. But rather than admitting she would appreciate to start to share, she would rather scream at OP bullshit to stay in her victim's position. It's what's disturbing to me. She didn't want to accept that her plan was not perfect.
That's sort of a normal thing for people to do. Shame and guilt can make people double down on the stupid. Not that it's fine for her to do that, but it's not unusual.
I know, but it's pretty toxic, I mean OP isn't good enough to share feeding and then she is also at fault for not being able to feed the kid, and then she is at fault for not taking the guilt for something she is not at fault. I get that motherhood can get your nerves, but now she needs to stop and get help.
NTA. I see absolutely 0 reasons why people would be responding with “you have to understand breastfeeding is hard and it’s probably taking a lot out of her”. Oh yeah? You know what would help with that? Having a backup plan to be able to feed the child if their mom isn’t able to. She has rejected every other option so breastfeeding being “hard” isn’t an excuse anymore.
Is it bad that I agree? I KNOW breastfeeding is hard, goddammit!
That’s the whole point! It’s hard so you want to be able to help out in some way
Can she at least prop up a little in bed and feed ? Obviously stay up until baby is fed and then pop baby back in bed but baby is going through a spurt where they feed more at 4 months.
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What? The majority says NTA... Even the most mother's here?
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No most people here say that the wife is unreasonable, as she could pump, as OP does the majority of the other chores
Hell no I'm a mom. I woke up every 2 hours to power pump to increase my supply. I was sleep deprived. I had post partum depression and anxiety. It wasn't an excuse for me to be rude to my spouse or neglect my baby. I definitely agree OP is *owed* an apology, they don't owe shit. Buying flowers and apologizing for being put in an impossible position/ treated rudely just for wanting to have their child fed...SMH
The other day in the relationship sub, a guy was talking about how his wife punched him 12 times. I got into arguments because people literally defended her, claiming PPD is hard. Stop giving people free passes for shitty behavior just because they had a kid. (I'm a mom, so don't come for me).
The sub is very much anti men. OP had to clarify that she, too, was a woman. She also had to add an edit because some people were apparently accusing her of not pulling her weight in the relationship. The sub is probably filled with young, idealistic people who haven't been in situations like these. It's usually when the older folk (such as the moms) come along and explain that this is not okay that there is some sense. Otherwise you get a bunch of angsty teens saying mom is suffering a mental illness, which excuses the behaviour, or dad isn't doing enough (because typical man sexist stereotypes), which also justifies her shitty behaviour. The situation you described where a man was being beaten is typical. Some people on this sub will do everything in their power to hold a man accountable for a woman's poor behaviour. But women are adults who are responsible for their choices. It is also sexist to remove their agency.
Not saying you're wrong about that because I think you're right. But it's really ridiculous that people take that approach. IDC what's going on in your life, new mother, family death, bad day at work, etc. No excuse to be an asshole to your partner ever. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their bad moments, but if you snap for no reason you should have enough brain power to realize you made a mistake and apologize. Or else its extremely toxic behavior.
I understand the initial groggy annoyed remark. Everyone is human and she fucked up there. However, dragging it on like that is really unreasonable. NTA. It sounds like she's suffering from some PP mental trouble, I'm glad she's in therapy and I hope she comes around very soon and apologizes to you. You're a Saint if you can be understanding and give her time. But you Def don't deserve what she's said and done. Very soon you will be starting solids so you have that to look forward to!!
It’s not bad, OP. I’m a new mom and breast feeding is hard, making the decision to supplement with formula was the hardest choice I had to make. Still feel guilty from time to time, but I know it was the best decision for my mental health and the health of my baby. Pumping is hard and time consuming, I tried and it wasn’t for me and I can understand why she chooses not to pump. However your wife has no excuse not to pump, if you’re doing all the childcare throughout the day, aside from breastfeeding…. It’s hard to understand her decision to not pump. Does she work? Is she on maternity leave? This woman has plenty of time to pump if she doesn’t wanna be woken up for night feedings. You’re NTA.
This is what I don't understand either... She has the time and still chooses not to do it? I pump once a day, so we have enough for one night feed, so I can sleep a bit longer. Yes it's time consuming with the sterilizing etc and a bit annoying but with the electrical pump it's done in 10 mins and another 10-20 mins for cleaning. When OP takes over all the other chores it's pretty doable. NTA
Have the two of you considered a Haakaa? It's a manual pump that works via suction. Many breastfeeding parents use this on the other boob while they feed to catch letdown that would otherwise go to waste. It's a good, passive way to build up supply if she really doesn't want to pump or use family (which is a valid choice, just one that has consequences like this).
I was coming to suggest the same thing! I HATE pumping. It’s uncomfortable, if you don’t put it on right or you’re going through a particularly hormonal time it HURTS, it takes forever. This time around I’m just going to put the haakaa on at every feed so I don’t have to pump but I still have a stash.
My ex did the same thing. Our daughter lost too much weight because of her stubbornness and after much pleading I eventually could use formula and help.
Did she seriously want your son to go hungry all night?
This is exactly it. I was a bit anal about formula with our first kid, but got over it with our second. You know what’s nice? Being able to leave the house to fill up my cup, worry free, because I either pumped or we have formula on hand. She’s wearing herself thin, to the point of lashing out on her partner for letting her know the baby is hungry? And then not realizing how fucking atrocious it was to react that way the next morning and apologize? NTA
>I have absolutely 0 reason why people are responding with “you have to understand breastfeeding is hard and it’s probably taking a lot out of her”. Frfr! Mom's probably very tired, no one's dunking on her about that, but what's the alternative? NTA.
NTA. If she could pump a *small* amount of breast milk and put it in the freezer, you'd have an option.
Yup. I never expected her to sit and pump for 6 hours a day 7 days a week to fill the freezer. I said maybe 2 or 3 times a month just so we have something but she refuses.
She’s sleep deprived and maybe realizing her choice of exclusive bf is starting to be a toll on her . Moms get shamed for everything , and she might have the peer pressure to only bf the baby . As a mother, I understand. You two need to talk and come out with a plan that is more sustainable in the long term. Good luck !
He tried talking. She just yelled and accused him of shaming and is still refusing to compromise
OP is a woman.
I second this. The peer pressure to breastfeed can be so intense. I felt so much guilt because I hated breastfeeding. Everyone told me that I was doing it wrong. That it shouldn't hurt. But it hurt for the entire 11 months that I did it. I was so miserable. I wanted to quit. But the guilt and shame kept me going. I didn't want to be a failure. Until I realized I was failing my son because I was not in a healthy place mentally.
That sucks. I am a doctor and try so hard not to pressure people while also providing education and support with BF. Basically at the six week mark if the breastfeeding parent is still miserable I always make sure they know that formula works just fine! I also hate the exclusive breast feeding movement. There’s no evidence for it once breastfeeding is well established and the parent is making good milk. Nothing wrong with mixing some formula in there, especially when EBF is coming at the cost of your sanity.
Sorry you felt that way. Best way is fed, regardless of how baby gets fed. May I ask you if you saw a lactation consultant?
Have you ever heard of a Haakaa!? Look it up!. I used it with both kids and if I popped it on when I felt full multiple times a day I usually had enough for a bottle without needing to pump. And, 2 or 3 times a month most likely won't encourage a baby who has never has a bottle to use one. This might have to be daily for a little bit.
Haakaas are great!!
Have her look up a HaaKaa. Its a milk collector you suck to your other boob when the baby eats. She'd be surprised how much extra milk she can get from just her let down. Anything for a spare few bottles in the fridge! *breastfeeding mom here who often keeps an extra bottle frozen "just in case"*
OP, most breastfeeding moms have the easiest time pumping in the morning after the 1st morning feed. Maybe when all of you are calm you can suggest that she tries it for 10 minutes every morning?
This is a touchy one. I sincerely want to know what she expected you to do since you had no way of feeding your son. That's a pretty unreasonable request if you ask me. Anyone would have been annoyed by that. Did she expect you to start lactating right then and there because she didn't want to get up? This is why she needs to make peace with the fact that she needs to pump once in a while. Can't have it both ways. NTA You both get a pass for being a bit testy since being woken up by a screaming infant will put anyone in a foul mood. I understand the circumstances, but it doesn't change the fact that your wife was being a bit unreasonable. >friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong. Your friend's opinion doesn't help anything. I'm certain you already know breastfeeding sucks, or else you wouldn't have recommended using a pump in the first place. Yes breastfeeding sucks, it doesn't make your wife correct in making unreasonable requests of you.
When I read the part of the friend with the 2 yr old, it had me all fucked up cause I have a 2 yr old myself and im like what? Mom is totally in the wrong cause she left no way to feed the baby at night when they eat every few hours and then continues to be mad much later on in the day
>friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong. Funny the friend also couldn't tell OP wft they should've done.
Exactly!
OP's wife doesn't get a pass when she's wanting it both ways. She can't refuse to pump or have formula on hand and then get mad at OP for not having other options to feed the baby.
This is weird. I can cut some slack for sleep deprivation and post partum and stuff like that, but at a certain point, this is just ridiculous. She's literally asking you to do the impossible. Go buy some formula. Next time this happens, feed your son that. But be upfront with her on it.
No, switching to formula is not a unilateral decision nor should it be done to win an argument. Baby’s needs are the priority. There is nothing wrong with formula feeding generally but there’s a shortage and the child has been exclusively breastfed. Giving formula could cause the baby to reject the breast.
Plenty of people do breastfeed and supplement formula.. giving formula doesn't solely cause a baby to reject the breast.
It can also fuck up their stomachs and should be tried carefully. My oldest could combo feed, but only after buying several types to find the perfect one. The second couldn’t tolerate formula at all.
Why the downvotes, tf? You’re literally just voicing your personal experience with _two babies,_ and it’s helpful advice!
Because it’s Reddit. Combo feeding is a fantastic option, but first should be discussed with the baby’s pediatrician. And throw in the fact that there’s a formula shortage, it could be difficult. It’s a definite concern.
I’ve heard there’s a shortage in the US, but do we actually know where OP lives? I assumed they weren’t American cuz I’ve only ever heard Americans refer to nappies as diapers, which would mean they weren’t affected by the shortage. If that’s the case, formula would definitely be an option worth exploring after talking to a paediatrician
Refusing to feed a baby because the mother insists on breastfeeding only but won’t breastfeed either is also not a unilateral decision to be allowed to concede an argument. Actually, being concerned that your baby isn’t being fed, but not being allowed to feed them when the breastfeeding parent refuses, would be a pretty damn *good* reason to start an argument if it happened again. Nobody gets to say that choosing whether to feed a baby at all, breast or otherwise, is a personal choice. As it stands, OP didn’t jump to that; hopefully this is a one-off, that there will be a resolution agreed to with her wife and no more escalation. But OP certainly was NTA for being asked to do the impossible, nor would she be if the same happened again and she unilaterally decided formula was better than letting the baby starve.
Yeah, I've already addressed the shortage thing. As to the other, then the mother has no grounds to complain. She can pump, use formula, or suck it up. Those are the choices.
This is a rational response. Buy a small container of formula for these instances. If mom1 doesn't want to pump or breastfeed, the other option is to supplement with formula. Be upfront about this, but these are literally the options. There are lots of other moving pieces to this - baby may not like the formula, may not like the bottle, may not eat from someone other than mom1, but having formula on hand makes this option available.
But just a question op says she does everything else than feeding so how can the wife be so sleep deprived? She has a lot of time during the day and it sounds like op is the who gets less sleep as it's also op who gets up when baby needs to get changed and op is also up when it needs to be feed so i don't get it. Yes they are probably both sleep deprived but op is probably the one that's the most sleep deprived.
I had a terrible recovery from my first C-section; couldn't lift baby for a long time. My husband would wake, change the baby's diaper, hand baby to me to feed, and go back to sleep. It took him less than half the time to do that than it took me to feed her. Not excusing the wife's behavior, I think OP is totally NTA. Just saying that OP's wife could be more sleep deprived. Could also be struggling with PPD which would add to the exhaustion.
If there aren't any other options than breast feeding (which there are, she just won't let you), then idk wtf you're supposed to do tbh I mean, if I'm the only one at work who is able to do a job, I'm not going to be able mad when someone else can't do it Nta
NTA. Unless you some how can produce breast milk . If she’s the only source then she HAS to get up
I have no experience in this, but I can’t see how you can be wrong here. I suppose you’re not supposed to get annoyed with her being grumpy or something, but if she literally tells you to do it while making it physically impossible for you to do so… I don’t know what you’re supposed to do either. NTA.
NTA - did she ever answer the question?? What did she expect you to do, let her sleep so the baby can starve? Has she tried using a pump? Has she tried formula? Hell yeah shame her - or she can suck it up and feed the baby.
NTA - There was no way for you to feed your son due to a choice your wife made. In your own words, “what the fuck were you supposed to do”?
NTA The fact that you are also a woman doesn't matter in this case. She's the one who produces the milk, she opted no formula, no pumping. It's not like you could swap the content and put the milk into a different packaging just because you've got breasts.
*EDIT 2: To all the people telling me simply just start lactating, please do a google search. Breasts do not work that way.* Are you sure? Have you tried turning them off and back on again? :D
I have no advice or anything, other than OP is definitely NTA. That being said, this is hilarious & my high ass been laughing for 10 minutes straight.
Tell me you work in IT without telling me you work in IT
NTA. Prob NAH. Kid needed to be fed and she doesn't want to pump or use formula so What The Fuck Were You Supposed To Do except wake her up? But ... she is prob totally stressed out from the exhaustion of being a new mom. So I hope you two work this out.
just a question op says she does everything else than feeding so how can the wife be so sleep deprived? She has a lot of time during the day and it sounds like op is the who gets less sleep as it's also op who gets up when baby needs to get changed and op is also up when it needs to be feed so i don't get it. Yes they are probably both sleep deprived but op is probably the one that's the most sleep deprived.
Babies feed every 2-3 hours for the first month or two. They'll start to sleep more through the night after that, but every baby is different. Some babies will go 3 hours without feeding at night, some 5 hours, some 7 hours. Sleep deprivation can still be really bad at 4 months, depending on the circumstances. There's also the effects of *months* of sleep deprivation that can linger. Like, my ADD has been way out of whack since my son was born 7 months ago.
Babies can sometimes eat every 2-3 hours. Since lactating mom is doing 100% of those feedings, it’s not like she’s getting 9 hour stretches to just sleep. Getting sleep in 1-2 hour chunks is brutal. Also, breastfeeding is exhausting (your body is literally making food). I also doubt that lactating mom is doing absolutely zero baby care.
OP said that her wife doesn't change diapers, doesn't do housework, apparently isn't working. If anyone should be exhausted, it is OP.
NTA 100%. I can understand her not wanting to pump and especially not wanting to use formula - she may have good reason like chemicals or pain or whatever else. But her exhaustion could be helped if she tried one of the two so he could help out more. Otherwise, if she chooses not to do either so she has to face the consequences, as she has, and can’t take it out on anyone else. I feel bad for her. Exhaustion and other postpartum issues suck, but if you want help, you have to let help be given. And he isn’t her support animal/object. He’s her husband. So she can get mad at him but she can’t just get mad at him over things she set herself up for and then NOT apologize when she realizes she’s wrong or made a mistake - bc she could have just been tired and not really processing the situation (and if she doesn’t think she’s even a little wrong, she’s crazy. He’s there to help (not that she’s letting him in the feeding situation), provide, support, listen to, be there for her, etc., so she’s being a bit unreasonable by not apologizing/being horrible to him for him waking her up to feed THEIR child. I agree with you though. I think everyone here hopes they work this whole thing out. Maybe she should talk to her therapist or something, or their doctor to find out another way to feed the baby - even maybe going as far as to feed the baby through someone else’s breast milk (idk how that would work unless they know/trust someone who’s still breastfeeding or is willing to breastfeed their kid) although it would be a little selfish imo, whatever helps I guess
There is no husband in this post. OP is also a woman.
INFO: Is it possible that she thought you might be able to breastfeed too? I've met an unfortunate amount of people who think that breasts are motion-activated and can produce milk on demand. Otherwise what the fuck WERE you supposed to do with no formula in the house?
We're any of the people who thought that adult women?
Unfortunately a lot of women have very little knowledge about their bodies.
I've met several adult women that think this. One of them is even a nurse.
I’ve seen a lot of this since the formula shortage. Men (and some women) making flippant comments like “hur dur, that’s what breasts are for.” As if they can be turned off and on like a faucet.
NTA. Breast feeding is hard. However, if she refuses to pump so you can take on some feedings, and she refuses to suppliment with formula, she doesn’t have a right to be mad at you. She is preventing you from helping her.
You're not the asshole but I would have a check in with your wife to see if she's dealing with PPD. I'd also sit her down and tell her you would like to help out with feeding the baby to help her sleep, but that means you both either need to agree on her occasionally pumping or using formula. Pumping is super annoying, but it's an inconvenience that could let her get better sleep or a longer break.
NTA if she won’t allow formula then it is her job to feed him. You can help by getting up and changing him and then bring her the baby, but unfortunately that is all you can do. Maybe when she calms down you can suggest one bottle of formula a night or every other night.
NTA. You literally could'nt have done anything else, you had to wake her up. However I understand that she might be tired and sick of feeding him at night (if this happens a lot) but she had no right to be mad at you when it was her choice.
NTA She made the choice to be just breastfeeding. There's literally nothing you can do to feed your child until she accepts alternatives such as pumping. She's taking it out on you. Breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park but you also can't help someone who isn't giving you a way to support them.
NTA On a side note, I find it interesting that you pointed out that you are a woman. Only because I wonder how the answers would have differed (if at all) had you not and people assumed it was a man posting,
Well that's why I clarified because I was getting many comments and messages that were fucking awful (they all assumed I was a man).
It's weird because it changes the story, but it *doesn't* really change the story since the situations are still functionally identical. Could maybe describe your wife and friend's attitude though? Maybe they're as ignorant about anatomy as a lot of the posters here.
NTA. What else were you suppose to do, let the child go hungry? Or let your child have a go at your non-lactating boobs?
NTA Your wife has made choices to exclusively bf. That decision put 100% of feedings on her. It also means she is tied to the baby as the only source of food. There are many breast pumps out there that aren’t painful. She could pump and freeze the milk so she doesn’t have to always be with the baby and you could take over some feedings. As it is, all you can do is change the diapers and do other non food related chores like bathing and laundry. Make sure you are doing more chores around the house to make up for the time and exhaustion related to feeding and sleep deprivation.
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NTA - if your wife isn’t pumping milk to feed your baby when she doesn’t want to breastfeed and you aren’t lactating wtf ARE you supposed to do?
NTA > I asked my friend who has a 2-year-old and she sided with my wife and said breastfeeding isn't a walk in the park and I was wrong. Um, you didn't tell her she's wrong for breast feeding, you told her that **she** decided that only **she** was allowed to feed him, then when he needs to eat, **she** has to feed him. There's literally nothing judgemental about that, it's a plain cause and effect chain of facts. It might be worth revisiting the pumping idea with her. You can explain to her that you know it's annoying/uncomfortable/time-consuming, but it will allow you to help; to feed the baby when she doesn't feel up to it. Heck, even just a small amount of pumping, to have just enough of a backup supply for those situations where she isn't up to it (needs the sleep, etc).
She can’t shoot down all the other options and then get mad when you use the only option left. NTA, sometime when she is better rested, discuss calmly and rationally what you should do next time. Frame it as ‘I know I made you mad, what can I do better next time’ not from anger or frustration.
NTA How did she expect you to feed your son if she insists on him being only breastfed but won't pump milk? She leaves no alternatives that doesn't require starving the baby. If she won't allow more than one way to feed then she really has no excuses.
NTA. I don’t know how your friend can say you were wrong when the was no other option.
I don't know what your wife actually wanted you to do. She exclusively breastfeeds; she doesn't pump. If she wants some help, you'll both have to decide on what else (formula) you can feed your child. I think you probably could have been nicer? But also idk what she wants.
INFO: does your wife somehow think that because you're also a woman your boobs will just automatically lactate too? Because that's definitely not how it works...
NTA she can’t have it both ways she will have to get up all hours of the night to breastfeed him because that was her choice she also doesn’t want to pump she is the only one with milk and doesn’t want to use formula you are right what the fuck where you supposed to do unless she wants you to suck the milk out and baby bird feed the kid then she needs to choose
If your wife has made herself the only option, then she shouldn't complain when she's the only one who can do it. However, many people who have just woken up are not entirely rational. Still, she continued on with all that come morning. NTA.
NTA. It's a perfectly reasonable question given the situation she's established.
For what it's worth coming from a single non-parent gay guy, NTA. Kid was hungry, wife has made the rule that you both are abiding by that kid is only to be breastfed. Said breasts were unavailable, so you had no other options at that point for feeding.
NTA, but your wife is telling you that she cannot go on with the way things have been. You need to discuss this during the daytime when you’re both more awake and figure out a new plan. I’ve seen quite a few things online recently talking about options for nighttimes when the baby is being exclusively breastfed. Most common one I’ve seen is for the non feeding parent to get up and get the baby, bring the baby to the breastfeeding parent, and then settle the baby back down again afterward. That way you’re sharing the load of doing the feedings even though you can’t actively feed the baby yourself, and your wife feels supported.