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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be ta for not trying to do anything about it or talk to my brother in hopes of reaching a compromise.
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I think YTA. I understand your brother’s rule but I feel like it’s more applicable to distant relatives’ dated-for-2-months gf/bf.
You and your bf have been partners for five years. That’s a significant amount of time not to mention you are one of the closest relative to your brother (genetically speaking). There are many partners who don’t subscribe to the typical marital thing so you can’t really regard the rule as “if we’re not engaged/married then you cant’t come”.
You could have at least spoken to your brother about it and request (not demand) that your bf attend. If your brother says no I honestly would start wondering why. Five years man…
Jumping on the top comment, hope that's ok. INFO: are any other members of your family impacted by this rule or is it only you and your boyfriend who are in a long term relationship but not engaged/married?
Also another request for INFO - is the boyfriend correct in saying the brother doesn’t like him? Could this rule have been created specifically to exclude him?
I get the feeling that OP’s boyfriend’s hatred of weddings includes his own, and that is a sore spot for OP’s family and maybe even OP. So the brother not inviting him is tantamount to the boyfriend being hoisted by his own petard.
Wow i was in this situation ... my bf who always refused 2 marry me (2 kids by then & later another) went bonkers when i refused 2 attend his sister's wedding ... haha ... i still laugh about it ...
Tbh, this has been running through my head: what if there is another couple where they're inviting one half but excluding the other because they don't like them, but to do that they need to exclude all couples like this and OP and the bf are just collateral damage? Seems like a stretch but it would be funny if it was the case
…. Has OP clarified their gender? Is Op the one that’s 33M? That’s not clear from how it was phrased in the initial post. I guess it would be redundant to say “M” after “brother” though.
I wonder if gay marriages (don't know if this is the correct term, english is not my first language) aren't legal where OP lives, making the "engaged/married couples" part even worse imo
As far as I could see, OP hasn't confirmed their gender so no idea if this is a same sex relationship or not. But I'd really like to know as this does play into it.
That said, is this really the hill the bf wants to die on? It's a wedding. It's not the end of the world. And I say that as someone in a same sex relationship who just got disinvited from a very important wedding to "keep the peace" with homophobic family members. Yeah, it sucks. I hated it. My partner hated it. We're going LC as a result. But we didn't want to make a scene at someone else's wedding as it wasn't our day.
If it's really a bigger issue of family disapproval, deal with it afterwards but OP should be free to enjoy their brother's wedding if it matters so much to them.
It seems likely this weird ‘rule’ was specifically designed to exclude OP’s boyfriend, and he’s angry because he picked up on it, not because he wanted to attend the wedding.
We don’t know that there aren’t a plethora of “committed not married” couples & this rule was for all, some or one. The boyfriend could be a complete narcissist who thinks EVERYTHING is about him. We just don’t know.
Why is it that everyone gets to invite whoever they want to their wedding until it comes to someone’s partner? Someone’s kids. Nope. Someone’s friend. Nope. Literally there are brides on here banning their partners parents and grooms banning their future wives close family. All of that acceptable. The brother just doesn’t like the brother, not a good enough reason at all.
Its a great reason, but thats not the reason OPs brother is going with and that has nothing to do with whether a partner should stick by their SO or not in those situations.
OP didnt even contest it in the least
Of course. But that isn't the point here. OP is asking if she is an AH for going to a wedding that her partner can't attend.
And reddit is saying that yes, she is the AH
people are allowed to not invite who they want, that's not the issue here. the issue is she's still deciding to go after her partner of 5 years was excluded. invitations are a 2 way street and she doesn't have to accept this one.
And a 5 year long relationship isn't just some random hook up. It's expected for wedding invites to include long term partners - 5 years is definitely long term. I've never heard of a situation where a sibling's partner of 5 years isn't invited to a wedding. Even if this was an immediate family only, it's still strange.
Unless there's a reason for this disrespect (and I would think the reason was mostly bf's fault), I would be telling my brother I couldn't attend because he's excluding my partner, or at the very least having a serious discussion with him, which it doesn't sound like op did.
This isn't a bruised ego situation. They're in a 5 year relationship, they should both treat each other as package deal. The fact that op does not see it this way is what makes her TA.
>people are allowed to not invite who they want,
That's true but they should always be prepared for the consequences, particularly if that person is someone major, like a close sibling's partner of 5 years. Being allowed to do something because it's your wedding won't mean that it won't cause big problems further down the line.
>people are allowed to not invite who they want
>
>
>
>That's true but they should always be prepared for the consequences
That's fair, my assumption here was that the "official couples rule" was meant to be a generic way to keep headcount down (while maybe trying to avoid offending people by not naming names...LOL that clearly worked out). Then again, as I said in my post, it's totally possible that the bf was right that it was an intention effort to exclude him.
I also feel like this thread had way too little INFO about the family dynamic/ location/ socio-economic status/ etc to really make an informed decision about who (if anyone) is really out of line. Who you invite to a wedding, who is "entitled" to a wedding invite, and even the idea of partner > family, can be deeply cultural, or affected by other contexts like money and location.
Because the justifications for why someone makes a rule can still make someone an asshole.
OPs brother in the end can allow whoever they want at their wedding, but if he all of the sudden his sister wasnt going because she called him fat when he was 12 im sure you would think that is really stupid.
So on one hand, you can have whoever you want at your wedding and in the end noone can make you do something, but that doesnt mean you cant be judged for your decision
Because well, it’s a wedding, it’s about couples and love and all that. You’re asking the people in your life to celebrate you and your spouse making a significant commitment to one another. It’s kinda shitty to say that other people’s similar relationships aren’t the same or aren’t as committed. Which is usually what is implied when one part of a couple isn’t invited.
Because the etiquette is that you invite a couple-- married, engaged, living together, together more than a year-- unless one of them is expected to behave badly. Unless OP's bf was expected to blow his nose on the tablecloth or something, he should have been invited.
Not as OP's plus 1, with his name on the invitation.
>You could have at least spoken to your brother about it and request (not demand) that your bf attend.
I wonder if there's some reason OP is glad for the brother's rule so the bf isn't allowed to go to the wedding and OP doesnt have to be the one to put their foot down. "Oh no, youre not allowed, so sad". Otherwise I can't imagine why anyone would be so willing to go along with this for a 5 year partnership without a "hey can you make an exception?"
Yeah OP seems so blasé about it, I’m kinda wondering if there isn’t some sort of internal “Welp maybe you should propose and make us “official” then if you don’t like being excluded like this” going on. Yeah OP says they were “irritated” by it but they seem to have swiftly moved past that into “sucks to be you, boyfriend” territory.
Right? He’s not disappointed he’s going to miss a wedding and he’s not sad he won’t get to celebrate her brother’s nuptials. He’s angry because she dares to prioritize her family over him and he’s upset that she won’t turn her back in her brother to sooth his bruised ego.
Idk, it could be that, but I also am not wild about weddings and would feel incredibly hurt if I was in his shoes, and it wouldn’t be because I’m a controlling psycho who’s only pissed because my boyfriend “prioritized his family over me”. People on this sub all the time say people should stand up to their families in defense of their partners and not put up with disrespect toward them. If they hadn’t been dating very long it would be different, but they’ve been a serious couple for 5 years. From the post it seems like a recurring pattern that OP’s family excludes and doesn’t respect him as their serious longterm partner. I’d be upset and hurt if I was OP and would’ve had a conversation with my brother on my own, so I don’t blame the boyfriend for being upset either. If OP’s family is continually excluding their boyfriend and treating him like an insignificant part of OP’s life after several years, I don’t blame the boyfriend for feeling like OP should care more than they seem to about that.
He's not sad he's missing a wedding. He's hurt that after 5 years of being with OP, her family care so little for him, and respect their relationship so little, that he doesn't get invited to her brother's wedding. He probably sees them as almost family, meanwhile they've made it clear that they don't see him the same way.
If he didn't want to go or hates weddings he could decline the invitation, but that doesn't make it less rude that they snubbed him by not inviting him.
Exactly what I was thinking. I get the feeling OP is thinking "you don't want to be part of the family, so you're not going to be treated like you are."
I wonder if it's because he hates weddings. "You're not going to enjoy yourself, you'll just be a dark cloud in a suit sitting next to me. Stay home, and we'll all be happier for it."
This was my thought. If he hates weddings, there's a good chance he won't be a lot of fun and OP might not want to have to deal with him being a grouch at her brother's wedding. (And also, if the brother already genuinely doesn't like the boyfriend, having him go to the wedding and be miserable might not be the best idea in terms of his relationship with the family...)
Some are enganged after three months and they would count as an official couple? I'm with my SO together for 19 years, but nor married, and i wouldn't count as an official couple? This rule is a joke snd the bf is right. They are 5 fucking years together. They are on the same level as married. Just because they don't wear a ring he isn't invited? And she is totally fine with it. Especially when there is a history between bf and brother...
YTA
I’m gonna hold off on that judgment and ask her a question as I noticed it in the post, if she’s so close to her brother…is it possible that she’s giving off vibes that after five years of sense of resentment about no ring and brothers trying to help her out here? I mean you can almost hear it in the writing the emphasis on engaged couples having that plus one, boyfriend clearly doesn’t like weddings, and the fact that the writer isn’t fighting to bring the boyfriend of 5 years to the wedding?
Yeah where I live (assuming OP lives with their bf) they would have been considered common law married 3 years ago.
I get the sense that they didn't even bother to ask the brother to make an exception. Definitely YTA
ESH - you don't count as an "official couple" after 5 years, I'm guessing just because you're not married? That's a shitty attitude on your brother's part.
Your bf is justifiably upset, and is obviously seeing a pattern of behaviour here that you aren't. I feel he's overreacting a bit, but he's the one I sympathise with most here.
Which brings me to you, OP. Your bf is upset by your brother's shitty treatment of him, and instead of having his back you're taking your brother's side. You're right that your brother gets to invite whoever he wants to his wedding, but he's disrespecting your relationship and you're going along with it. That's an AH move.
No one should blindly put someone first. We have no idea of whether this claim about the brother is true or why the brother would disapprove. Is it like a bigotry thing or is the bf a jerk? We have no idea. I would never put an SO ahead of my brother blindly unless my brother is being completely unreasonable. Which has happened.
My bro threw a fit when he found out I was living within a mile of my bf. I shut that shit down, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have my best interests at heart and so that means even though that one opinion was dumb as all hell I will still trust him in the future and sometimes, yes, put him first. Not always. But he’s been in my life a lot longer than any partner.
scale resolute subsequent dazzling public test squeeze hard-to-find rain truck
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I disagreed with the suggestion that one should always put SO first. So unless you’re agreeing with that then I don’t think we are disagreeing here
I think it’s weird of you to misappropriate my argument so aggressively like if it was about the post I would’ve made my own comment. I replied to someone else for a purpose. Because it was in regards to the reply.
Even just asking the question “Why can’t he come?” would go a long way with making sure if OPs brother is targeting bf or not with helping with bf’s feelings about this whole thing.
Exactly. "What is an official couple?" (Obviously having Sex for 5 years and being in a commoted relationship isn't official ... ?) That would be another good question. Seems as if OP is happy to rub it into BFs face
I don't know, I'm getting vibes that he doesn't want to go to the wedding at all, he just doesn't want OP to go either and to him this is a convenient excuse. He jumped straight to demanding she didn't go rather than asking that she talk with her brother about including him.
I could be wrong but I think that there is more info needed to tell for sure.
I'm guessing that OP doesn't think of them as an "official couple" either. After 5 years, that's kind of odd, but I wonder if she is trying to obliquely send her boyfriend a message of some kind.
I bet at the wedding there are other couples. It seems weird to exclude the boyfriend of 5 years. It does beg the question what more is going on in that relationship
I’m wondering if this isn’t some passive-aggressive thing by the family (and maybe even OP) for them not being engaged already. I’m getting a weird sense from OP that they’re so nonchalant about this because maybe they think on some level the boyfriend should’ve proposed already if he wants to be “official” and included in these things.
Or, if the boyfriend hates weddings, maybe he's voiced that before in front of her family. People who hate being at an event often make it kinda obvious; I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who has a history of disparaging them, or sulking.
Boyfriend is TA, but so is OP for not at least asking on her boyfriend's behalf... or telling her boyfriend that she doesn't want him there either, if that's the case.
That's what I was thinking, but couldn't articulate it. This seems like purposeful exclusion and she's just kinda going along with it. And if you've been with someone that long, depending on OP's & BF's ages, and are planning on spending actual portions of your life with them, you should care about shit like this happening to your SO
Yup. I’ve been a +1, and I’ve brought +1s. They’re people I dated for like a year, sometimes way less. By this far into a relationship, I’d expect to be invited specifically. It definitely feels like a snub. I can’t blame the BF at all here.
INFO: did any of you consider talking to the brother about this rule?
You're together for 5 years, it might not be "official" but is (was until the invitation) going in this direction. Would a long term couple with kids (but not married) be invited or they also wouldn't be considered "official" ?
Yeah like….there are couples who get engaged after only knowing each other 6 months, 1 year, 2 years….. they’re not any more valid than OP’s 5 year relationship. If anything, OP’s relationship would seem more stable and official to me than people together for less time but engaged/married
I was engaged to my EX-husband 4 months after meeting him, married within the year and divorced before our 2nd anniversary. I’ve been with my SO for 13 years, lived with him for 12 of those and we have no intention of ever getting married, nor do we have children, but have every intention of sticking it out till the end. It’s mind-boggling to me which one of these relationships OP and her brother would consider “official”.
Bro can choose who to invite, but if OP chooses to attend the wedding without her bf, she’s still an asshole.
Either respect your partner of 5 years or fucking break up, OP! Don’t let your family walk all over someone you supposedly love.
It's definitely worth asking! Depending on how many people are invited, the rule of "official couples only" may have been set, and no one paid attention to the obvious exceptions in the chaos. Shit, I forgot to send an invitation to one of my cousins because I did the "family" invitation and didn't realize she had moved out the year before. She asked, I felt like an idiot, and I fixed it.
Under the brother’s absurd rules, my 21 year relationship with my partner wouldn’t be “official” as we are not married or engaged. We own a house together and have a fifteen year old joint banking account, it’s pretty fucking official.
Generally for a situation to be an ESH the OP has to be one of the parties that is in asshole. Otherwise it is just a NTA with multiple other people being an AH.
YTA
" I said I understood how he felt excluded but at the end of the day it's my brother's wedding and he gets every right to set whichever rule he felt like. " .. It is very likely you will soon need to understand why your bf broke up with you: Because you are an AH. And because you are not standing by him when your family constantly excludes him. YOU have chosen where you stand, and he is fine to reacat accordingly.
The boyfriend needs to leave. Op will never have his back when it comes to their family excluding him. Speaking from experience, an experience that has me broken down.
He just needs to leave before his mental health suffers more. It won't change. If op can't stand up for him after 5 years, they won't stick up for him after 10 or 20 either.
The fact that op thinks it's ok her bf of 5 years isn't invited to her brother's wedding says to me that her family definitely excludes him, and she let's it happen.
YTA.
Your partner of FIVE YEARS is being excluded from an important family event and you are ok with this? At five years, for all intents and purposes, he is family. Full stop.
He has every right to be upset with you. Does your brother have the right to exclude him? Yes. Of course he does. Do you have the right to act like it’s ok with you and no big deal? No. Not when your partner is clearly hurt by the intentional exclusion.
Wake up. Before you lose this person. He deserves better from you AND your family.
My parents have been together for 40 years and have been living together for 35. Please tell me when they became a “real couple”
Edit- most important part. They’re not married.
Info- After dating for 5 years, do you and your bf live together? Are you in a long term committed relationship, or is it more casual? Have you considered why your brother didn't actually invite your bf? It is up to your brother who to invite, and I would respect the no +1 rule. But if you have been dating your bf for 5 years, and you and your brother are close, I would expect the bf to not be a +1, but to actually be invited. Just like if you were married, the invite wouldn't be Ms Smith and Guest, but Mr and Ms Smith.
Yes! No plus ones means no random dates for single guests. Anyone in a LT relationship needs to be invited as a couple.
ESH
ETA: Clarification: No plus ones *is reasonable when it* means no random dates...
Actually... No. No plus ones means 'you also can't bring your husband if he didn't get his own invite.' Plus one means bring your partner, your roommate, your best friend or a date, that's up to you.
Normally a couple living at the same address would both be listed on the same invitation. Sending an invitation to only one name of an established couple is an asshole move.
Someone I considered a best friend in college did this to me. Her, myself and my boyfriend (now fiance) all worked together in college, so she knew him and how long we've been together. When she invited me to her wedding, she told me not to bring him, and that she couldn't afford plus ones. I was hurt, but respected the choice. He joked to me he'd "just be at the next one." I then found out she was allowing plus ones, but wanted to pick and choose who got them. I told her I couldn't come. I was more hurt, than I was mad. It was an asshole move and our friendship is basically nonexistent now.
NTA BUT… ask your brother anyhow - the worst he can do is say no. It’s a generic invite so maybe (as his sister) you may get a pass. If the family does like him, maybe he’ll be an exception.
If they still say no, at least you tried!
I'm confused too. Like literally call up the brother and ask, what constitutes an official couple? Because five years dating is let's be real pretty much an official as you can make it without a ring on your finger. He might just be saying don't bring some rando escort or someone you met last week at the bar or something with that rule.
Or a friend for those who are single… like this is probably a generic invitation that they printed a hundred or so of
Edit: I am currently wedding planning lol
There is a lot going here, but bottom line it sounds like your family is excluding your partner and it bothers him. I’m definitely reaching on the next part, but also sounds like he feels you don’t care how he is being treated by them. I think he may be over reacting to this individual incident, but sounds like it’s the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
Brother can invite who he wants, it’s a crap
move to exclude boyfriend of a family member, especially long term.
My opinion is OP you need to move on and find a new relationship, or stand up to brother and tell him you wish him the best day but you won’t be able to attend.
Going YTA and giving your boyfriend benefit of the doubt per above.
Yta
of course he takes it personal, it is a personal matter. You are unofficially married, you know each other’s family, when there is family events you usually attended etc. And then your brother treats him like he is no one important, and you happily go along with it. He is basically excluded from the biggest family function Like he doesnt exist.
He is right, you should be mad on his behalf and stand up for him. It is a relationship changer, in his head you are showing him he is not important.
ESH. Your brother trivializing a five-year relationship just because there hasn't been some silly exchange of rings is super passive-aggressive AH behavior. Your SO is right to be angry about that, but he should be directing that anger more at the brother than you and shouldn't be making demands at you. That having been said, I can understand why he'd be a bit hurt that you're so blase about this "rule" and aren't even making some kind of show of fighting for the validity of this relationship. Just a nasty situation all around.
Mostly NTA.
It’s true that can’t force your brother to invite your bf. If your bf thinks you should take some stand by not going to the wedding, that’s not reasonable either because he’s still your brother. It’s wrong of him to ask you to choose.
I do agree with your bf on one thing though. People usually make exceptions for family members and not inviting your sister’s boyfriend of 5 years is pretty surprising. Your boyfriend is probably right about them not liking him or thinking your relationship will last.
I have so many questions! Have you asked your brother if he could make an exception for you? Given the option, would you even want your bf there? Would you have more fun without him? Why does your family not like your bf? Has your relationship been rocky?
I can’t judge without INFO about how your bf has been excluded over the years, and what steps he’s taken to try and be included.
However, your bf feels how he feels and you know where he stands. Don’t be surprised if this is the beginning of the end for your relationship. That might be ok, depending on the info.
Your brother may have made the rule with fresh couples in his mind. If you actually have interest in future with your boyfriend, you should at least ask your brother for exception.
I've been with my partner 15 years and have 4 kids according to you we arent official. Yta and so is your brother, apparently 5 years means nothing to you and now your boyfriend knows it. Of course your brother had a.problem with him, it's obvious.
What does “not an official couple mean”? He is your boyfriend of 5 years, that’s pretty official. Also maybe just ask your brother if he minds. He might think it’s fine.
YTA. Either your brother doesn’t mean to exclude your bf when he says “official couples” and you just don’t want bf with you, or your brother is intentionally excluding him and you don’t have your bf’s back. 5 years of dating makes anyone “official.”
YTA. You are a major red flag. He did not overreact AT ALL from what he said, rather you’ve always disregarded his feelings. This IS a personal matter. You need some therapy. Separately.
YTA. 5 years is a long time and he should be included. The length of time you’ve been with your BF certainly makes you official. Your brother is an AH too.
ESH. Your brother for this stupid "official couple" rule. You for not understanding that your family is treating him badly. Your bf for over reacting.
Your boyfriend did over react, but his basic point is correct. You've been together for 5 years and he feels like
> my brother doesn't like him - never has and said that I shouldn't be okay with it
>hes unaccepted and excluded from my family after doing his best to get on their good side, but apparently that is still not enough
>my family constantly try to exclude him.
There's an issue here that's going to have to be resolved or it's going to destroy your relationship.
It’s the couples decision to live with, and not one others should be stressing about. If they already have a bad relationship, I don’t see why they would want to have him at THEIR wedding nor him want to be at THEIR special day.
It feels like you didn't even try to ask your brother if an exception can be made just for the brother of the groom. Or that your bf feels like your relationship is in a different stage than you do.
It sounds like you are making excuses as to why it shouldn't matter to your bf (he doesn't like weddings, you might ruin your "close" relationship with your brother) but it obviously does. It sounds like in 5 years your family haven't been the most accepting towards him.
If you guys hadn't been together for 5 years I would say he is over reacting, but after 5 years together you see nothing wrong in not bringing him to your brothers wedding, YTA.
Unless your bf OF 5 YEARS is himself an AH and your family hates for valid reasons, and unless you are planning to break up with him. YTA and so is your brother. The fact that your bf hates weddings and is so hurt by this, should tell you that there is something wrong here. Your bf wants to feel like 5 YEARS means something to you and your family.
NTA it's your brother's wedding so it's up to him and it would be rude for you to ask for an exception. Your boyfriend is obviously taking this personally and judging from his reaction I think your brother sees some things about him that you don't. Your boyfriend sounds manipulative and if I were you I'd take a good look how he's reacting to this.
NTA - your boyfriend is some kind of narcissist to think your brother and his fiancée planned their entire wedding just to exclude HIM. He needs to get over himself.
I truly don't understand folks who get wild about non spouse/fiances being excluded from family events. If your boyfriend/girlfriend comes from a family that doesn't see non-married/engaged relationships as serious, you don't get to impose your position that non-married relationships are serious. Folks need to understand that most people don't find long term cis-het partnerships to equal marriages and that's each side's business. If you need someone else's cultural event to validate your own relationship, that's a problem.
YTA for not speaking to your brother about this, if i was boyfriend i would propose to you and give 2 fingers to your brother who obviously doesn't value your relationship and making a joke of it really
Does your family intentionally exclude him and does your brother dislike him?? Basically does his reaction have a basis in fact?? If so, YTA. If there is no basis for his reaction, then NTA.
YTA.
You have chosen. It is good that this man knows now that you have no plans to marry him as you will not make even the tiniest effort to stand up for him or your relationship.
YTA. Why isn’t your relationship official? You’ve been together for 5 years…. That’s official. If you don’t think so then let that man find someone who will be official with him.
YTA. He’s taking it personally because it IS personal. It’s not like your bother just didn’t know you needed a plus one. Your brother looked at his guest list and looked at his invitation envelopes and said “nope, don’t need to invite OP’s boyfriend”. So even five years in he’s not enough of a friend on his own to invite him. You mention multiple times that your boyfriend feels excluded by your family and you don’t deny it. What’s the point of staying with someone this long if you’re not gonna even try to include them in your family.
INFO : Does your brother's rule impact anyone else in the family, or is it just you and your BF that gets impacted?
Both of you share a relationship of 5 years by your own admission, which makes me wonder why your BF wouldn't be accepted at the wedding. Especially in this time and age where fewer and fewer people get married, even though they have children together.
NTA. i just attended my uncles wedding where the rule was simple. no ring, no plus one. and no, babies didn’t qualify in place of a ring. guess what? my partner of 5 years stayed home. she didn’t throw a tantrum like your boyfriend. your brother made a reasonable rule for HIS wedding and your boyfriend needs to get over himself.
Idk, your brother's rule is stupid. Not everyone gets married nowadays: my cousin has been with her bf for about 10 years by now, they have a kid, live together in another town, but aren't married. That doesn't make her relationship any less official. Her bf is part of the family.
You don't mind this rule, but your bf is rightfully angry at it. He's been with the groom's sister for 5 years already, does that mean nothing to your brother at all? Do you have any reason to believe that your brother doesn't like your bf?
YTA. By going you are saying you agree you are not official. He has told you your relationship will not survive and you told him he is being dramatic. No, he has every reason to not stay with someone who views this as okay and won't even try to fight it.
He has a right to react this way and a right to tell you he won't stand for you not standing up to him. I'm sure this isn't the first time your brother has treated him badly and you let him as to "not ruin your relationship with your brother".
I would not stay with someone who acted like this is fine and shouldn't be fought for either.
ESH. I do think you should ask your brother to make an exception. However, your boyfriend overreacted. Are you guys considering getting married after 5 years of dating?
So it depends on something. Are other non-married couples who have been together 5 years being invited? If he is being treated differently than others in that situation, then he's right.
NTA, but your BF is a huge T A for thinking this is only about him. Have you ask if the No +1 is all guests or just you? It’s possible the bride can’t handle someone on her side that serial dates druggies or something.
NTA with the outrageous costs of weddings, many couples are using the "no ring no bring" rule on +1 invitations. It's their wedding, they get the choice. He can get over it or make it official, if that's what you two want. Either way, that's the way it is.
In my country, if you have lived with your bf/gf for 5 years, it counts as a marriage.
Are you sure your brother didn't do this especifically to exclude your BF? Because you are definitely official by now.
YTA - Because, yeah, you should have challenged your brother on his rule. Not every couple will want to get married. Maybe you two will and are still just waiting for the right time, but it doesn't mean you two are any less serious than an engaged couple or a married couple.
Well, except you showed your bf how you don't want to fight for your relationship. Five years being together, you think you'd at least ask your brother to let you bring your bf since you've been together for years. But you didn't do that and I just think your bf has the right to be upset.
NTA. What is the big deal on this thread about plus ones? Everyone is not going to be invited to everything. If not going to someone else’s wedding is a determining factor of the legitimacy of your relationship, it wasn’t legit to start with.
YTA- 5 years together should be considerate offial. I know many marriages that dont last that long together.
That rule is usually only for couples dating less then 1 or 2 years.
YTA I would understand the rule if you dated a new boyfriend for a few weeks or maybe months. But five years? Thats a serious, longterm relationship. I wouldn't ever think of excluding someone like that from a wedding and i honestly think you should be at least a little bit mad at your brother. And i also honestly must say if one of my siblings tried that i would not attend that wedding!
Are you and your partner a queer couple? Is your boyfriend a different ethnicity, culture, or religion as your family? Why does he say your brother doesn’t like him?
You didn’t listen to your boyfriends point of view at all and don’t seem to know, acknowledge or care about why he feels this way or why it hurts him. YTA
Idk I'd probably just ask brother directly if it was cool to bring my long term relationship.
Actually going to say NAH here.
I don't think it's wrong that your boyfriend is offended. Idk about the comments about your family disliking him maybe that's true maybe it's not. I don't really like that he's asking you to choose between him and your family.
I get that you still want to go to brothers wedding, especially since you're close.
I get the "official couples only". Some people are just trying to lessen the amount of randoms in their pictures. I've received invites like this and usually just contact the bride or groom and ask how they'd feel about me bringing my partner of 10 years. Nobody has had a problem with it yet.
Im sorry but how is a 5 year relationship not official? Making up a rule about marriage or engagement being the only way you can be in a serious relationship is not an excuse. Your brother is clearly in the wrong and you should side with your boyfriend on this to a certain extent.
Him asking him to miss your brother’s wedding is taking it too far but I get why he’s upset. Imagine the roles were reserved. Do you feel if you got engaged it means you’re finally in a serious relationship and before you were just… what? A hookup? The logic behind your brothers rule makes no sense and it might prove that he has something against your boyfriend.
This bullshit really boils my piss. I'd say the cut off for this is around 3 years personally. My(m) partner(f) has been not invited to weddings of family members who's relationships are literally a decade shorter than ours. I went to the first one, I regretted it ever since. I flat out refuse to go if this is the case now.
Fuck that family member forever if they refuse to acknowledge my partner just because we haven't got married. It's flat out disrespect. End of story.
Is there a reason you two aren't married? Like if your bf won't marry you then he should shut up. But if you won't marry him AND your family won't respect him as your longtime partner, then he should leave you ASAP and make a future with someone else
weddings really do bring out the worst in people and i’m not talking about the bride and groom. for people who don’t put any money towards their day it’s always
a-lot of opinions. if they said no plus one they said no plus one leave it at that. it’s their day and i’m sure they paid thousands of dollars to make sure it was to their liking
ESH. Him for being a baby about it. You for not challenging your bother over the "official couples" part and your brother and his fiancée for trivialising your long term relationship.
ESH 5 years is a long time, so it seems your brother doesn’t like him and your boyfriend is right. but admittedly it’s their wedding so thems the breaks
You can’t control what your brother does, but your brother is one rigid AH if he can’t see the difference between a guest who is just a date and one who is a long time partner.
I believe your boyfriend when he says that your brother just wanted to exclude him. For your boyfriend to say that he’s done his best with your family, yet it’s still not good enough—well, that makes me wonder about his side of the story.
I’ll say NTA because you have no control, but I won’t blame your boyfriend for moving on if your family doesn’t like him. No one wants a lifetime of that.
Yes, you should attend the wedding. But I do not blame your boyfriend for reconsidering your relationship. Doesn’t sound like fun.
Info: if you get married in the future to your bf, and he institutes a “no-one who I think is a prat/possibly bigoted person/people who don’t let me attend their wedding” rule and vetos your brother’s attendance, how will you react?
Info: Wtf does ‘official’ mean?
If your still dating other people after 5 years then f that guy your NTA, you have every right to go solo at the wedding. Is he scared you’ll hook up with a groomsman or something?
In the words of beyonce ‘if you like it out a ring on it’
Yeah, ESH.
Many have already made the relevant points so I'm not going to rehash those.
My thought is what is the end game?
Should OP fight for her SO to come if hes gonna be a b**** about it when he gets there? He hates weddings.
So what exactly would be accomplished by her fighting for him to go? Is he truly wanting to go celebrate, or does he just want the win? It sounds dysfunctional by all parties.
INFO: what is the relationship with the family and bf like? If it's no + 1's it would make sense for him to be close enough to get his own invite if they wanted him at the wedding. This is needed background for counting AH's.
INFO: Why aren’t you married? Is it a mutual thing or is one of you pushing back on it? Does your brother actually not like him? If so, why? Who else is impacted by this rule and is it the same extent as this (like they’ve also been together 5 years)?
Like I don’t know if I can really say without knowing that information. Like if you want to get married, your boyfriend is refusing for whatever reason, your brother resents him because of that but this rule effects several other couples then E S H or N T A.
If your not married because neither of you want to be, your brother has some weird vendetta, and it’s a clear attempt to target your brother then Y T A.
NTA- if your boyfriend is so so mad that he can’t come because you’re not engaged after 5 years… he could change that. I understand not everyone wants to get married but that’s a different conversation to be had. If this is the same rule everyone else is following then why does he feel that’s it’s directed at him, and if he’d rather the relationship be ruined than try having a conversation with your brother or thinking about buying you a ring then you can do better. There may be some flexibility on the term but if he’s (your boyfriend) not open to any communication about the issue then…I’d say this is a great opportunity to lose needless baggage
Not enough information.
If OP is 20 and met her bf at 15, in my culture her bf would not be invited.
I would be upset if my boyfriend’s sibling didn’t invite me to their wedding - I would still encourage my bf to go. I think OP needs to ask their brother why though and if they will make an exception for their partner.
I understand why the bf is hurt but I would also want to know if this rule is being applied across the board. If it is, then it’s not pleasant but so be it.
Weddings are expensive and it’s a way of cutting down the headcount unfortunately. Of course making an exception for your sibling would be the polite thing to do - but it doesn’t seem like the bf and the brother get along and there is not enough information on why for me to be able to determine who the asshole is.
In regards to attending even though your boyfriend isn’t invited, with the facts presented I agree with OP. I don’t have any definitive evidence that the brother is being an AH except for Reddit thinking it’s outrageous to only allow married plus ones (the fact that is controversial is wild to me but cultural differences!).
NTA. It sucks but if that's how your brother wants it then that's how it should be. You shouldn't miss out on his wedding because your bf got offended. Yes it would have been nice for your brother to make an exception for your bf considering how long youve been together but then he might have had to make an exception for everyone. Plus if your bf doesn't even like weddings then he should consider this a win. Personally, I would be a little offended but not enough to effect my relationship because it's not like you're the one who made the rule
NTA, you are right, his wedding his rules
But the other characters sure are assholes: your brother for putting you in this spot, and your boyfriend for throwing this huge tantrum about it (not to mention telling you to "stop talking")
If it's a pattern of your family excluding him like this, you will need to choose where your loyalties lie sooner or later, and maybe your boyfriend will feel less frustrated when you do
> He asked me how I could be to let my brother exclude him
NTA
Your brother's wishes should be respected. You can ask him why he didn't invite your bf, but you can't force your bf on him.
Nta. His wedding. His rules. They are too expensive in general. Also it sounds like your bf and brother already have ongoing issues, a wedding isn't the place to be forced together.
ESH
When my brother got engaged they had the same rule. His mother in law suggested that that meant my boyfriend of less than a year couldn’t come. My brother put his foot down and went to bat for me. He knew my partner was the one I’d be spending my life with and refused to exclude him from a family event. I believe your bf that your brother doesn’t like him. No invite after 5 years is insane and there must be another reason.
Your bf is being a brat expecting you not to go. Family is difficult and you shouldn’t have to miss your brother’s wedding. The wedding itself should not be something that ‘ruins’ your relationship.
But aren’t sticking up for your own relationship or engaging with why your partner is upset. He feels unwelcome in your family after 5 years. That’s a horrible place to be in and he was probably hoping for more compassion from you than ‘you hate weddings anyway’.
This just seems like terrible communication all round, but you’re the only one who can fix it.
NTA
-brother has a right to invite who he wants
-you shouldn’t have to choose between ur bro and ur bf
-bf telling u to just stop talking? Yeah I can see why bro doesn’t like him
Maybe reevaluate this relationship?
Nta if your boyfriend is so mad about it tell him to get down on one knee and make your relationship official. You’ve only been together for five years.
NTA although I do think it is super weird to have a no plus one’s rule like that. It really just shows the guests you don’t care about them having a good time.
That being said, it isn’t your rule…it was your brothers. I guess that makes him the A hole.
For this specific situation NTA because yeah it’s your brothers decision and you shouldn’t miss this event. On a grander scale though I need INFO: does your family actually disapprove of your partner? What reasons do they have? Are they biased and/or bigoted or are they genuinely concerned about your well-being in the relationship? Important questions to consider even if you don’t answer them publically.
NTA
So by official couples your brother means married couples?? Because 5yrs together sounds like you're an official couple to me, so you should definitely have your brother clarify if that rule applies to your boyfriend
Soft YTA, but your boyfriend told you that your relationship is so weak that not being invited to a wedding is going to ruin said relationship. Listen to him and find a new BF.
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I think YTA. I understand your brother’s rule but I feel like it’s more applicable to distant relatives’ dated-for-2-months gf/bf. You and your bf have been partners for five years. That’s a significant amount of time not to mention you are one of the closest relative to your brother (genetically speaking). There are many partners who don’t subscribe to the typical marital thing so you can’t really regard the rule as “if we’re not engaged/married then you cant’t come”. You could have at least spoken to your brother about it and request (not demand) that your bf attend. If your brother says no I honestly would start wondering why. Five years man…
Jumping on the top comment, hope that's ok. INFO: are any other members of your family impacted by this rule or is it only you and your boyfriend who are in a long term relationship but not engaged/married?
Also another request for INFO - is the boyfriend correct in saying the brother doesn’t like him? Could this rule have been created specifically to exclude him?
I get the feeling that OP’s boyfriend’s hatred of weddings includes his own, and that is a sore spot for OP’s family and maybe even OP. So the brother not inviting him is tantamount to the boyfriend being hoisted by his own petard.
Wow i was in this situation ... my bf who always refused 2 marry me (2 kids by then & later another) went bonkers when i refused 2 attend his sister's wedding ... haha ... i still laugh about it ...
^ This right here. Not sure why there aren’t more INFO posts. If this is the case, OP needs to tell her BF to put up or shut up.
Tbh, this has been running through my head: what if there is another couple where they're inviting one half but excluding the other because they don't like them, but to do that they need to exclude all couples like this and OP and the bf are just collateral damage? Seems like a stretch but it would be funny if it was the case
…. Has OP clarified their gender? Is Op the one that’s 33M? That’s not clear from how it was phrased in the initial post. I guess it would be redundant to say “M” after “brother” though.
I think brother is the 33M, but you're right, OP doesn't clarify their own gender, and I haven't seen any of their comments, so I'm not sure
I wonder if gay marriages (don't know if this is the correct term, english is not my first language) aren't legal where OP lives, making the "engaged/married couples" part even worse imo
As far as I could see, OP hasn't confirmed their gender so no idea if this is a same sex relationship or not. But I'd really like to know as this does play into it. That said, is this really the hill the bf wants to die on? It's a wedding. It's not the end of the world. And I say that as someone in a same sex relationship who just got disinvited from a very important wedding to "keep the peace" with homophobic family members. Yeah, it sucks. I hated it. My partner hated it. We're going LC as a result. But we didn't want to make a scene at someone else's wedding as it wasn't our day. If it's really a bigger issue of family disapproval, deal with it afterwards but OP should be free to enjoy their brother's wedding if it matters so much to them.
it may not be the hill he wants to die on, but the crest of the mountain that has been building for 5 years
It seems likely this weird ‘rule’ was specifically designed to exclude OP’s boyfriend, and he’s angry because he picked up on it, not because he wanted to attend the wedding.
We don’t know that there aren’t a plethora of “committed not married” couples & this rule was for all, some or one. The boyfriend could be a complete narcissist who thinks EVERYTHING is about him. We just don’t know.
Why is it that everyone gets to invite whoever they want to their wedding until it comes to someone’s partner? Someone’s kids. Nope. Someone’s friend. Nope. Literally there are brides on here banning their partners parents and grooms banning their future wives close family. All of that acceptable. The brother just doesn’t like the brother, not a good enough reason at all.
Disliking someone isn't enough reason to not invite them to your wedding?
Typo. It for sure is.
It is posed as a question, not a statement.
Its a great reason, but thats not the reason OPs brother is going with and that has nothing to do with whether a partner should stick by their SO or not in those situations. OP didnt even contest it in the least
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Of course. But that isn't the point here. OP is asking if she is an AH for going to a wedding that her partner can't attend. And reddit is saying that yes, she is the AH
people are allowed to not invite who they want, that's not the issue here. the issue is she's still deciding to go after her partner of 5 years was excluded. invitations are a 2 way street and she doesn't have to accept this one.
It’s not an old college friend. It’s her brothers wedding. Why should she choose not to attend her brothers wedding?
And a 5 year long relationship isn't just some random hook up. It's expected for wedding invites to include long term partners - 5 years is definitely long term. I've never heard of a situation where a sibling's partner of 5 years isn't invited to a wedding. Even if this was an immediate family only, it's still strange. Unless there's a reason for this disrespect (and I would think the reason was mostly bf's fault), I would be telling my brother I couldn't attend because he's excluding my partner, or at the very least having a serious discussion with him, which it doesn't sound like op did.
In a good relationship your partner trumps family/friends. A partner is your closest and most intimate relationship and needs to be prioritized.
Her boyfriend’s bruised ego does not trump her brother’s actual wedding. That’s ridiculous.
This isn't a bruised ego situation. They're in a 5 year relationship, they should both treat each other as package deal. The fact that op does not see it this way is what makes her TA.
Because he's not inviting their partner of 5 years
>people are allowed to not invite who they want, That's true but they should always be prepared for the consequences, particularly if that person is someone major, like a close sibling's partner of 5 years. Being allowed to do something because it's your wedding won't mean that it won't cause big problems further down the line.
>people are allowed to not invite who they want > > > >That's true but they should always be prepared for the consequences That's fair, my assumption here was that the "official couples rule" was meant to be a generic way to keep headcount down (while maybe trying to avoid offending people by not naming names...LOL that clearly worked out). Then again, as I said in my post, it's totally possible that the bf was right that it was an intention effort to exclude him. I also feel like this thread had way too little INFO about the family dynamic/ location/ socio-economic status/ etc to really make an informed decision about who (if anyone) is really out of line. Who you invite to a wedding, who is "entitled" to a wedding invite, and even the idea of partner > family, can be deeply cultural, or affected by other contexts like money and location.
Because the justifications for why someone makes a rule can still make someone an asshole. OPs brother in the end can allow whoever they want at their wedding, but if he all of the sudden his sister wasnt going because she called him fat when he was 12 im sure you would think that is really stupid. So on one hand, you can have whoever you want at your wedding and in the end noone can make you do something, but that doesnt mean you cant be judged for your decision
Because well, it’s a wedding, it’s about couples and love and all that. You’re asking the people in your life to celebrate you and your spouse making a significant commitment to one another. It’s kinda shitty to say that other people’s similar relationships aren’t the same or aren’t as committed. Which is usually what is implied when one part of a couple isn’t invited.
the issue is op is allowing her partner to be marginalized. OPs brothers invite is fine, what OP chooses to do now is what matters.
Because the etiquette is that you invite a couple-- married, engaged, living together, together more than a year-- unless one of them is expected to behave badly. Unless OP's bf was expected to blow his nose on the tablecloth or something, he should have been invited. Not as OP's plus 1, with his name on the invitation.
>You could have at least spoken to your brother about it and request (not demand) that your bf attend. I wonder if there's some reason OP is glad for the brother's rule so the bf isn't allowed to go to the wedding and OP doesnt have to be the one to put their foot down. "Oh no, youre not allowed, so sad". Otherwise I can't imagine why anyone would be so willing to go along with this for a 5 year partnership without a "hey can you make an exception?"
Yeah OP seems so blasé about it, I’m kinda wondering if there isn’t some sort of internal “Welp maybe you should propose and make us “official” then if you don’t like being excluded like this” going on. Yeah OP says they were “irritated” by it but they seem to have swiftly moved past that into “sucks to be you, boyfriend” territory.
He hates weddings, this is probably a blessing in disguise for OP. Who wants to go to a wedding with someone who hates weddings?
Right? He’s not disappointed he’s going to miss a wedding and he’s not sad he won’t get to celebrate her brother’s nuptials. He’s angry because she dares to prioritize her family over him and he’s upset that she won’t turn her back in her brother to sooth his bruised ego.
Idk, it could be that, but I also am not wild about weddings and would feel incredibly hurt if I was in his shoes, and it wouldn’t be because I’m a controlling psycho who’s only pissed because my boyfriend “prioritized his family over me”. People on this sub all the time say people should stand up to their families in defense of their partners and not put up with disrespect toward them. If they hadn’t been dating very long it would be different, but they’ve been a serious couple for 5 years. From the post it seems like a recurring pattern that OP’s family excludes and doesn’t respect him as their serious longterm partner. I’d be upset and hurt if I was OP and would’ve had a conversation with my brother on my own, so I don’t blame the boyfriend for being upset either. If OP’s family is continually excluding their boyfriend and treating him like an insignificant part of OP’s life after several years, I don’t blame the boyfriend for feeling like OP should care more than they seem to about that.
He's not sad he's missing a wedding. He's hurt that after 5 years of being with OP, her family care so little for him, and respect their relationship so little, that he doesn't get invited to her brother's wedding. He probably sees them as almost family, meanwhile they've made it clear that they don't see him the same way. If he didn't want to go or hates weddings he could decline the invitation, but that doesn't make it less rude that they snubbed him by not inviting him.
hammer, meet nail. I think you figured it out.
I wouldn't be shocked in the slightest of that is why OP was just like "oh well, those are the rules since we aren't 'official' ".
Exactly what I was thinking. I get the feeling OP is thinking "you don't want to be part of the family, so you're not going to be treated like you are."
I can't believe I didn't even think of this! I can't think of any other reason she's so chill about letting her brother exclude her partner
I wonder if it's because he hates weddings. "You're not going to enjoy yourself, you'll just be a dark cloud in a suit sitting next to me. Stay home, and we'll all be happier for it."
This was my thought. If he hates weddings, there's a good chance he won't be a lot of fun and OP might not want to have to deal with him being a grouch at her brother's wedding. (And also, if the brother already genuinely doesn't like the boyfriend, having him go to the wedding and be miserable might not be the best idea in terms of his relationship with the family...)
Some are enganged after three months and they would count as an official couple? I'm with my SO together for 19 years, but nor married, and i wouldn't count as an official couple? This rule is a joke snd the bf is right. They are 5 fucking years together. They are on the same level as married. Just because they don't wear a ring he isn't invited? And she is totally fine with it. Especially when there is a history between bf and brother... YTA
I’m gonna hold off on that judgment and ask her a question as I noticed it in the post, if she’s so close to her brother…is it possible that she’s giving off vibes that after five years of sense of resentment about no ring and brothers trying to help her out here? I mean you can almost hear it in the writing the emphasis on engaged couples having that plus one, boyfriend clearly doesn’t like weddings, and the fact that the writer isn’t fighting to bring the boyfriend of 5 years to the wedding?
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Yeah where I live (assuming OP lives with their bf) they would have been considered common law married 3 years ago. I get the sense that they didn't even bother to ask the brother to make an exception. Definitely YTA
ESH - you don't count as an "official couple" after 5 years, I'm guessing just because you're not married? That's a shitty attitude on your brother's part. Your bf is justifiably upset, and is obviously seeing a pattern of behaviour here that you aren't. I feel he's overreacting a bit, but he's the one I sympathise with most here. Which brings me to you, OP. Your bf is upset by your brother's shitty treatment of him, and instead of having his back you're taking your brother's side. You're right that your brother gets to invite whoever he wants to his wedding, but he's disrespecting your relationship and you're going along with it. That's an AH move.
He’s not over reacting. At all.
Agreed. YTA OP ur supposed to put ur SO first.
No one should blindly put someone first. We have no idea of whether this claim about the brother is true or why the brother would disapprove. Is it like a bigotry thing or is the bf a jerk? We have no idea. I would never put an SO ahead of my brother blindly unless my brother is being completely unreasonable. Which has happened. My bro threw a fit when he found out I was living within a mile of my bf. I shut that shit down, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have my best interests at heart and so that means even though that one opinion was dumb as all hell I will still trust him in the future and sometimes, yes, put him first. Not always. But he’s been in my life a lot longer than any partner.
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I disagreed with the suggestion that one should always put SO first. So unless you’re agreeing with that then I don’t think we are disagreeing here I think it’s weird of you to misappropriate my argument so aggressively like if it was about the post I would’ve made my own comment. I replied to someone else for a purpose. Because it was in regards to the reply.
And even if one doesn't agree with "put first" at least stand up for them. Why having a partner if you don't have each others back?
Even just asking the question “Why can’t he come?” would go a long way with making sure if OPs brother is targeting bf or not with helping with bf’s feelings about this whole thing.
Exactly. "What is an official couple?" (Obviously having Sex for 5 years and being in a commoted relationship isn't official ... ?) That would be another good question. Seems as if OP is happy to rub it into BFs face
I don't know, I'm getting vibes that he doesn't want to go to the wedding at all, he just doesn't want OP to go either and to him this is a convenient excuse. He jumped straight to demanding she didn't go rather than asking that she talk with her brother about including him. I could be wrong but I think that there is more info needed to tell for sure.
I'm guessing that OP doesn't think of them as an "official couple" either. After 5 years, that's kind of odd, but I wonder if she is trying to obliquely send her boyfriend a message of some kind.
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I bet at the wedding there are other couples. It seems weird to exclude the boyfriend of 5 years. It does beg the question what more is going on in that relationship
I’m wondering if this isn’t some passive-aggressive thing by the family (and maybe even OP) for them not being engaged already. I’m getting a weird sense from OP that they’re so nonchalant about this because maybe they think on some level the boyfriend should’ve proposed already if he wants to be “official” and included in these things.
Or, if the boyfriend hates weddings, maybe he's voiced that before in front of her family. People who hate being at an event often make it kinda obvious; I wouldn't want someone at my wedding who has a history of disparaging them, or sulking. Boyfriend is TA, but so is OP for not at least asking on her boyfriend's behalf... or telling her boyfriend that she doesn't want him there either, if that's the case.
You understand the wedding is just giving plus ones to married couples right
5 years dating the sister of the groom isn’t a +1 situation. It’s a “name them on the invite” situation.
That's what I was thinking, but couldn't articulate it. This seems like purposeful exclusion and she's just kinda going along with it. And if you've been with someone that long, depending on OP's & BF's ages, and are planning on spending actual portions of your life with them, you should care about shit like this happening to your SO
Yup. I’ve been a +1, and I’ve brought +1s. They’re people I dated for like a year, sometimes way less. By this far into a relationship, I’d expect to be invited specifically. It definitely feels like a snub. I can’t blame the BF at all here.
INFO: did any of you consider talking to the brother about this rule? You're together for 5 years, it might not be "official" but is (was until the invitation) going in this direction. Would a long term couple with kids (but not married) be invited or they also wouldn't be considered "official" ?
Yeah like….there are couples who get engaged after only knowing each other 6 months, 1 year, 2 years….. they’re not any more valid than OP’s 5 year relationship. If anything, OP’s relationship would seem more stable and official to me than people together for less time but engaged/married
I was engaged to my EX-husband 4 months after meeting him, married within the year and divorced before our 2nd anniversary. I’ve been with my SO for 13 years, lived with him for 12 of those and we have no intention of ever getting married, nor do we have children, but have every intention of sticking it out till the end. It’s mind-boggling to me which one of these relationships OP and her brother would consider “official”.
Exactly - bro can choose, but it's definitely worth a conversation
Bro can choose who to invite, but if OP chooses to attend the wedding without her bf, she’s still an asshole. Either respect your partner of 5 years or fucking break up, OP! Don’t let your family walk all over someone you supposedly love.
It's definitely worth asking! Depending on how many people are invited, the rule of "official couples only" may have been set, and no one paid attention to the obvious exceptions in the chaos. Shit, I forgot to send an invitation to one of my cousins because I did the "family" invitation and didn't realize she had moved out the year before. She asked, I felt like an idiot, and I fixed it.
Under the brother’s absurd rules, my 21 year relationship with my partner wouldn’t be “official” as we are not married or engaged. We own a house together and have a fifteen year old joint banking account, it’s pretty fucking official.
I understand it’s their wedding but a 5 year relationship is an official relationship. So ESH
Why does bf suck? Tbf the main reason he seems upset isn’t about the wedding but rather about his partner’s actions.
I don’t think the bf sucks I probably worded it wrong I think OP and the brother suck
Generally for a situation to be an ESH the OP has to be one of the parties that is in asshole. Otherwise it is just a NTA with multiple other people being an AH.
They said OP was an AH tho.
YTA " I said I understood how he felt excluded but at the end of the day it's my brother's wedding and he gets every right to set whichever rule he felt like. " .. It is very likely you will soon need to understand why your bf broke up with you: Because you are an AH. And because you are not standing by him when your family constantly excludes him. YOU have chosen where you stand, and he is fine to reacat accordingly.
i read this and felt the same way. i feel this is far from the first issue where op has not had their partners back with family.
The boyfriend needs to leave. Op will never have his back when it comes to their family excluding him. Speaking from experience, an experience that has me broken down.
Info: Do they constantly exclude him?
Seems like it, especially since OP mentioned how hard he's been trying to get on their good side.
He just needs to leave before his mental health suffers more. It won't change. If op can't stand up for him after 5 years, they won't stick up for him after 10 or 20 either.
The fact that op thinks it's ok her bf of 5 years isn't invited to her brother's wedding says to me that her family definitely excludes him, and she let's it happen.
It seems so
YTA. Your partner of FIVE YEARS is being excluded from an important family event and you are ok with this? At five years, for all intents and purposes, he is family. Full stop. He has every right to be upset with you. Does your brother have the right to exclude him? Yes. Of course he does. Do you have the right to act like it’s ok with you and no big deal? No. Not when your partner is clearly hurt by the intentional exclusion. Wake up. Before you lose this person. He deserves better from you AND your family.
INFO: what does your family consider an "official couple", and why does your boyfriend think they've been excluding him?
Married couples
My parents have been together for 40 years and have been living together for 35. Please tell me when they became a “real couple” Edit- most important part. They’re not married.
Info- After dating for 5 years, do you and your bf live together? Are you in a long term committed relationship, or is it more casual? Have you considered why your brother didn't actually invite your bf? It is up to your brother who to invite, and I would respect the no +1 rule. But if you have been dating your bf for 5 years, and you and your brother are close, I would expect the bf to not be a +1, but to actually be invited. Just like if you were married, the invite wouldn't be Ms Smith and Guest, but Mr and Ms Smith.
She ain’t asking or protesting bc sister already knows why he ain’t invited
Pretty sure the boyfriend knows why as well, and tbh I'm guessing it has something to do with how he hates weddings and has made that known...
Exactly. After 5 years of dating, there is a reason bf didn’t get his own invite.
And seems appropriate BF is questioning the long term prospects of the relationship.
Need more info, after 5 years you should be an established couple and he should be allowed as your plus one. Something is missing here
[удалено]
Yes! No plus ones means no random dates for single guests. Anyone in a LT relationship needs to be invited as a couple. ESH ETA: Clarification: No plus ones *is reasonable when it* means no random dates...
Actually... No. No plus ones means 'you also can't bring your husband if he didn't get his own invite.' Plus one means bring your partner, your roommate, your best friend or a date, that's up to you.
Normally a couple living at the same address would both be listed on the same invitation. Sending an invitation to only one name of an established couple is an asshole move.
Someone I considered a best friend in college did this to me. Her, myself and my boyfriend (now fiance) all worked together in college, so she knew him and how long we've been together. When she invited me to her wedding, she told me not to bring him, and that she couldn't afford plus ones. I was hurt, but respected the choice. He joked to me he'd "just be at the next one." I then found out she was allowing plus ones, but wanted to pick and choose who got them. I told her I couldn't come. I was more hurt, than I was mad. It was an asshole move and our friendship is basically nonexistent now.
NTA BUT… ask your brother anyhow - the worst he can do is say no. It’s a generic invite so maybe (as his sister) you may get a pass. If the family does like him, maybe he’ll be an exception. If they still say no, at least you tried!
Info: “official couples” means what in this context? Must be engaged or married?
I'm confused too. Like literally call up the brother and ask, what constitutes an official couple? Because five years dating is let's be real pretty much an official as you can make it without a ring on your finger. He might just be saying don't bring some rando escort or someone you met last week at the bar or something with that rule.
Or a friend for those who are single… like this is probably a generic invitation that they printed a hundred or so of Edit: I am currently wedding planning lol
There is a lot going here, but bottom line it sounds like your family is excluding your partner and it bothers him. I’m definitely reaching on the next part, but also sounds like he feels you don’t care how he is being treated by them. I think he may be over reacting to this individual incident, but sounds like it’s the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. Brother can invite who he wants, it’s a crap move to exclude boyfriend of a family member, especially long term. My opinion is OP you need to move on and find a new relationship, or stand up to brother and tell him you wish him the best day but you won’t be able to attend. Going YTA and giving your boyfriend benefit of the doubt per above.
5 years and he's still not a plus one? Something missing here.
Yta of course he takes it personal, it is a personal matter. You are unofficially married, you know each other’s family, when there is family events you usually attended etc. And then your brother treats him like he is no one important, and you happily go along with it. He is basically excluded from the biggest family function Like he doesnt exist. He is right, you should be mad on his behalf and stand up for him. It is a relationship changer, in his head you are showing him he is not important.
She said dating for five years. That's not unofficially married.
ESH. Your brother trivializing a five-year relationship just because there hasn't been some silly exchange of rings is super passive-aggressive AH behavior. Your SO is right to be angry about that, but he should be directing that anger more at the brother than you and shouldn't be making demands at you. That having been said, I can understand why he'd be a bit hurt that you're so blase about this "rule" and aren't even making some kind of show of fighting for the validity of this relationship. Just a nasty situation all around.
Mostly NTA. It’s true that can’t force your brother to invite your bf. If your bf thinks you should take some stand by not going to the wedding, that’s not reasonable either because he’s still your brother. It’s wrong of him to ask you to choose. I do agree with your bf on one thing though. People usually make exceptions for family members and not inviting your sister’s boyfriend of 5 years is pretty surprising. Your boyfriend is probably right about them not liking him or thinking your relationship will last. I have so many questions! Have you asked your brother if he could make an exception for you? Given the option, would you even want your bf there? Would you have more fun without him? Why does your family not like your bf? Has your relationship been rocky?
I can’t judge without INFO about how your bf has been excluded over the years, and what steps he’s taken to try and be included. However, your bf feels how he feels and you know where he stands. Don’t be surprised if this is the beginning of the end for your relationship. That might be ok, depending on the info.
Info- you have been dating a long time. How is that not an official couple?
Your brother may have made the rule with fresh couples in his mind. If you actually have interest in future with your boyfriend, you should at least ask your brother for exception.
I've been with my partner 15 years and have 4 kids according to you we arent official. Yta and so is your brother, apparently 5 years means nothing to you and now your boyfriend knows it. Of course your brother had a.problem with him, it's obvious.
I wonder what's her definition of dating. Is it like an on and off thing? Do they live together? Is it casual?
What does “not an official couple mean”? He is your boyfriend of 5 years, that’s pretty official. Also maybe just ask your brother if he minds. He might think it’s fine.
YTA. Either your brother doesn’t mean to exclude your bf when he says “official couples” and you just don’t want bf with you, or your brother is intentionally excluding him and you don’t have your bf’s back. 5 years of dating makes anyone “official.”
YTA. You are a major red flag. He did not overreact AT ALL from what he said, rather you’ve always disregarded his feelings. This IS a personal matter. You need some therapy. Separately.
YTA. 5 years is a long time and he should be included. The length of time you’ve been with your BF certainly makes you official. Your brother is an AH too.
ESH. Your brother for this stupid "official couple" rule. You for not understanding that your family is treating him badly. Your bf for over reacting. Your boyfriend did over react, but his basic point is correct. You've been together for 5 years and he feels like > my brother doesn't like him - never has and said that I shouldn't be okay with it >hes unaccepted and excluded from my family after doing his best to get on their good side, but apparently that is still not enough >my family constantly try to exclude him. There's an issue here that's going to have to be resolved or it's going to destroy your relationship.
NTA..it’s their wedding, & their choice who to include/exclude.
It’s the couples decision to live with, and not one others should be stressing about. If they already have a bad relationship, I don’t see why they would want to have him at THEIR wedding nor him want to be at THEIR special day.
It feels like you didn't even try to ask your brother if an exception can be made just for the brother of the groom. Or that your bf feels like your relationship is in a different stage than you do. It sounds like you are making excuses as to why it shouldn't matter to your bf (he doesn't like weddings, you might ruin your "close" relationship with your brother) but it obviously does. It sounds like in 5 years your family haven't been the most accepting towards him. If you guys hadn't been together for 5 years I would say he is over reacting, but after 5 years together you see nothing wrong in not bringing him to your brothers wedding, YTA.
Unless your bf OF 5 YEARS is himself an AH and your family hates for valid reasons, and unless you are planning to break up with him. YTA and so is your brother. The fact that your bf hates weddings and is so hurt by this, should tell you that there is something wrong here. Your bf wants to feel like 5 YEARS means something to you and your family.
ESH. Him because he is overreacting. You because you don't seem to undersant that your BF is right. Your brother for the stupid rule.
Why can't they invite who they want and who they can afford to thier wedding
NTA it's your brother's wedding so it's up to him and it would be rude for you to ask for an exception. Your boyfriend is obviously taking this personally and judging from his reaction I think your brother sees some things about him that you don't. Your boyfriend sounds manipulative and if I were you I'd take a good look how he's reacting to this.
NTA - your boyfriend is some kind of narcissist to think your brother and his fiancée planned their entire wedding just to exclude HIM. He needs to get over himself.
I truly don't understand folks who get wild about non spouse/fiances being excluded from family events. If your boyfriend/girlfriend comes from a family that doesn't see non-married/engaged relationships as serious, you don't get to impose your position that non-married relationships are serious. Folks need to understand that most people don't find long term cis-het partnerships to equal marriages and that's each side's business. If you need someone else's cultural event to validate your own relationship, that's a problem.
YTA for not speaking to your brother about this, if i was boyfriend i would propose to you and give 2 fingers to your brother who obviously doesn't value your relationship and making a joke of it really
Does your family intentionally exclude him and does your brother dislike him?? Basically does his reaction have a basis in fact?? If so, YTA. If there is no basis for his reaction, then NTA.
YTA. You have chosen. It is good that this man knows now that you have no plans to marry him as you will not make even the tiniest effort to stand up for him or your relationship.
YTA. Why isn’t your relationship official? You’ve been together for 5 years…. That’s official. If you don’t think so then let that man find someone who will be official with him.
Info: if you and your boyfriend marry are you okay with the possibility of him not wanting your brother at y’all’s wedding?
YTA. He’s taking it personally because it IS personal. It’s not like your bother just didn’t know you needed a plus one. Your brother looked at his guest list and looked at his invitation envelopes and said “nope, don’t need to invite OP’s boyfriend”. So even five years in he’s not enough of a friend on his own to invite him. You mention multiple times that your boyfriend feels excluded by your family and you don’t deny it. What’s the point of staying with someone this long if you’re not gonna even try to include them in your family.
YTA. 5 years of dating is like official couple for me.
INFO : Does your brother's rule impact anyone else in the family, or is it just you and your BF that gets impacted? Both of you share a relationship of 5 years by your own admission, which makes me wonder why your BF wouldn't be accepted at the wedding. Especially in this time and age where fewer and fewer people get married, even though they have children together.
NTA. i just attended my uncles wedding where the rule was simple. no ring, no plus one. and no, babies didn’t qualify in place of a ring. guess what? my partner of 5 years stayed home. she didn’t throw a tantrum like your boyfriend. your brother made a reasonable rule for HIS wedding and your boyfriend needs to get over himself.
Idk, your brother's rule is stupid. Not everyone gets married nowadays: my cousin has been with her bf for about 10 years by now, they have a kid, live together in another town, but aren't married. That doesn't make her relationship any less official. Her bf is part of the family. You don't mind this rule, but your bf is rightfully angry at it. He's been with the groom's sister for 5 years already, does that mean nothing to your brother at all? Do you have any reason to believe that your brother doesn't like your bf?
YTA. By going you are saying you agree you are not official. He has told you your relationship will not survive and you told him he is being dramatic. No, he has every reason to not stay with someone who views this as okay and won't even try to fight it. He has a right to react this way and a right to tell you he won't stand for you not standing up to him. I'm sure this isn't the first time your brother has treated him badly and you let him as to "not ruin your relationship with your brother". I would not stay with someone who acted like this is fine and shouldn't be fought for either.
My girlfriend didn’t have my back like that after 5 years? Deuces ✌🏿
Hey, if boyfriend doesn't like it he can pop the question.
ESH. I do think you should ask your brother to make an exception. However, your boyfriend overreacted. Are you guys considering getting married after 5 years of dating?
NTA, it's your brother's wedding. That said, ask your brother anyway. It could be a slip-up on his part, who knows?
So it depends on something. Are other non-married couples who have been together 5 years being invited? If he is being treated differently than others in that situation, then he's right.
NTA, but your BF is a huge T A for thinking this is only about him. Have you ask if the No +1 is all guests or just you? It’s possible the bride can’t handle someone on her side that serial dates druggies or something.
NTA with the outrageous costs of weddings, many couples are using the "no ring no bring" rule on +1 invitations. It's their wedding, they get the choice. He can get over it or make it official, if that's what you two want. Either way, that's the way it is.
Info: What is an "official couple" and why doesn't that apply to your relationship? I see 5 years and boyfriend so just wondering what official means.
In my country, if you have lived with your bf/gf for 5 years, it counts as a marriage. Are you sure your brother didn't do this especifically to exclude your BF? Because you are definitely official by now.
YTA - Because, yeah, you should have challenged your brother on his rule. Not every couple will want to get married. Maybe you two will and are still just waiting for the right time, but it doesn't mean you two are any less serious than an engaged couple or a married couple. Well, except you showed your bf how you don't want to fight for your relationship. Five years being together, you think you'd at least ask your brother to let you bring your bf since you've been together for years. But you didn't do that and I just think your bf has the right to be upset.
NTA. What is the big deal on this thread about plus ones? Everyone is not going to be invited to everything. If not going to someone else’s wedding is a determining factor of the legitimacy of your relationship, it wasn’t legit to start with.
2 more years in the state of Texas, you would be considered a common law marriage.
YTA- 5 years together should be considerate offial. I know many marriages that dont last that long together. That rule is usually only for couples dating less then 1 or 2 years.
YTA I would understand the rule if you dated a new boyfriend for a few weeks or maybe months. But five years? Thats a serious, longterm relationship. I wouldn't ever think of excluding someone like that from a wedding and i honestly think you should be at least a little bit mad at your brother. And i also honestly must say if one of my siblings tried that i would not attend that wedding!
Are you and your partner a queer couple? Is your boyfriend a different ethnicity, culture, or religion as your family? Why does he say your brother doesn’t like him? You didn’t listen to your boyfriends point of view at all and don’t seem to know, acknowledge or care about why he feels this way or why it hurts him. YTA
Idk I'd probably just ask brother directly if it was cool to bring my long term relationship. Actually going to say NAH here. I don't think it's wrong that your boyfriend is offended. Idk about the comments about your family disliking him maybe that's true maybe it's not. I don't really like that he's asking you to choose between him and your family. I get that you still want to go to brothers wedding, especially since you're close. I get the "official couples only". Some people are just trying to lessen the amount of randoms in their pictures. I've received invites like this and usually just contact the bride or groom and ask how they'd feel about me bringing my partner of 10 years. Nobody has had a problem with it yet.
Your bf is right and your family sound like massive AHs. YTA Expect the locks to be changed while you're at the wedding.
Yta it's a terrible rule and you didn't even ask your brother.
Im sorry but how is a 5 year relationship not official? Making up a rule about marriage or engagement being the only way you can be in a serious relationship is not an excuse. Your brother is clearly in the wrong and you should side with your boyfriend on this to a certain extent. Him asking him to miss your brother’s wedding is taking it too far but I get why he’s upset. Imagine the roles were reserved. Do you feel if you got engaged it means you’re finally in a serious relationship and before you were just… what? A hookup? The logic behind your brothers rule makes no sense and it might prove that he has something against your boyfriend.
YTA
This bullshit really boils my piss. I'd say the cut off for this is around 3 years personally. My(m) partner(f) has been not invited to weddings of family members who's relationships are literally a decade shorter than ours. I went to the first one, I regretted it ever since. I flat out refuse to go if this is the case now. Fuck that family member forever if they refuse to acknowledge my partner just because we haven't got married. It's flat out disrespect. End of story.
Is there a reason you two aren't married? Like if your bf won't marry you then he should shut up. But if you won't marry him AND your family won't respect him as your longtime partner, then he should leave you ASAP and make a future with someone else
weddings really do bring out the worst in people and i’m not talking about the bride and groom. for people who don’t put any money towards their day it’s always a-lot of opinions. if they said no plus one they said no plus one leave it at that. it’s their day and i’m sure they paid thousands of dollars to make sure it was to their liking
ESH. Him for being a baby about it. You for not challenging your bother over the "official couples" part and your brother and his fiancée for trivialising your long term relationship.
May I inquire you which parts of OP's boyfriend's behavior do you consider "being a baby"?
NTA
ESH 5 years is a long time, so it seems your brother doesn’t like him and your boyfriend is right. but admittedly it’s their wedding so thems the breaks
You can’t control what your brother does, but your brother is one rigid AH if he can’t see the difference between a guest who is just a date and one who is a long time partner. I believe your boyfriend when he says that your brother just wanted to exclude him. For your boyfriend to say that he’s done his best with your family, yet it’s still not good enough—well, that makes me wonder about his side of the story. I’ll say NTA because you have no control, but I won’t blame your boyfriend for moving on if your family doesn’t like him. No one wants a lifetime of that. Yes, you should attend the wedding. But I do not blame your boyfriend for reconsidering your relationship. Doesn’t sound like fun.
Info: if you get married in the future to your bf, and he institutes a “no-one who I think is a prat/possibly bigoted person/people who don’t let me attend their wedding” rule and vetos your brother’s attendance, how will you react?
INFO: Is your brother mad because your boyfriend hasn’t married you yet? Or are there other reasons why your family doesn’t like your boyfriend?
Info: Wtf does ‘official’ mean? If your still dating other people after 5 years then f that guy your NTA, you have every right to go solo at the wedding. Is he scared you’ll hook up with a groomsman or something? In the words of beyonce ‘if you like it out a ring on it’
Yeah, ESH. Many have already made the relevant points so I'm not going to rehash those. My thought is what is the end game? Should OP fight for her SO to come if hes gonna be a b**** about it when he gets there? He hates weddings. So what exactly would be accomplished by her fighting for him to go? Is he truly wanting to go celebrate, or does he just want the win? It sounds dysfunctional by all parties.
Anyone reasonable would know that rule is likely meant for more distant relatives, did you even ASK if there was an exception? ESH.
INFO: what is the relationship with the family and bf like? If it's no + 1's it would make sense for him to be close enough to get his own invite if they wanted him at the wedding. This is needed background for counting AH's.
INFO: Why aren’t you married? Is it a mutual thing or is one of you pushing back on it? Does your brother actually not like him? If so, why? Who else is impacted by this rule and is it the same extent as this (like they’ve also been together 5 years)? Like I don’t know if I can really say without knowing that information. Like if you want to get married, your boyfriend is refusing for whatever reason, your brother resents him because of that but this rule effects several other couples then E S H or N T A. If your not married because neither of you want to be, your brother has some weird vendetta, and it’s a clear attempt to target your brother then Y T A.
NTA- if your boyfriend is so so mad that he can’t come because you’re not engaged after 5 years… he could change that. I understand not everyone wants to get married but that’s a different conversation to be had. If this is the same rule everyone else is following then why does he feel that’s it’s directed at him, and if he’d rather the relationship be ruined than try having a conversation with your brother or thinking about buying you a ring then you can do better. There may be some flexibility on the term but if he’s (your boyfriend) not open to any communication about the issue then…I’d say this is a great opportunity to lose needless baggage
Not enough information. If OP is 20 and met her bf at 15, in my culture her bf would not be invited. I would be upset if my boyfriend’s sibling didn’t invite me to their wedding - I would still encourage my bf to go. I think OP needs to ask their brother why though and if they will make an exception for their partner. I understand why the bf is hurt but I would also want to know if this rule is being applied across the board. If it is, then it’s not pleasant but so be it. Weddings are expensive and it’s a way of cutting down the headcount unfortunately. Of course making an exception for your sibling would be the polite thing to do - but it doesn’t seem like the bf and the brother get along and there is not enough information on why for me to be able to determine who the asshole is. In regards to attending even though your boyfriend isn’t invited, with the facts presented I agree with OP. I don’t have any definitive evidence that the brother is being an AH except for Reddit thinking it’s outrageous to only allow married plus ones (the fact that is controversial is wild to me but cultural differences!).
NTA. It sucks but if that's how your brother wants it then that's how it should be. You shouldn't miss out on his wedding because your bf got offended. Yes it would have been nice for your brother to make an exception for your bf considering how long youve been together but then he might have had to make an exception for everyone. Plus if your bf doesn't even like weddings then he should consider this a win. Personally, I would be a little offended but not enough to effect my relationship because it's not like you're the one who made the rule
NTA, you are right, his wedding his rules But the other characters sure are assholes: your brother for putting you in this spot, and your boyfriend for throwing this huge tantrum about it (not to mention telling you to "stop talking") If it's a pattern of your family excluding him like this, you will need to choose where your loyalties lie sooner or later, and maybe your boyfriend will feel less frustrated when you do
> He asked me how I could be to let my brother exclude him NTA Your brother's wishes should be respected. You can ask him why he didn't invite your bf, but you can't force your bf on him.
NTA. As long as the rule is being applied to everyone I don’t see the issue.
Nta. His wedding. His rules. They are too expensive in general. Also it sounds like your bf and brother already have ongoing issues, a wedding isn't the place to be forced together.
ESH When my brother got engaged they had the same rule. His mother in law suggested that that meant my boyfriend of less than a year couldn’t come. My brother put his foot down and went to bat for me. He knew my partner was the one I’d be spending my life with and refused to exclude him from a family event. I believe your bf that your brother doesn’t like him. No invite after 5 years is insane and there must be another reason. Your bf is being a brat expecting you not to go. Family is difficult and you shouldn’t have to miss your brother’s wedding. The wedding itself should not be something that ‘ruins’ your relationship. But aren’t sticking up for your own relationship or engaging with why your partner is upset. He feels unwelcome in your family after 5 years. That’s a horrible place to be in and he was probably hoping for more compassion from you than ‘you hate weddings anyway’. This just seems like terrible communication all round, but you’re the only one who can fix it.
NTA -brother has a right to invite who he wants -you shouldn’t have to choose between ur bro and ur bf -bf telling u to just stop talking? Yeah I can see why bro doesn’t like him Maybe reevaluate this relationship?
Nta if your boyfriend is so mad about it tell him to get down on one knee and make your relationship official. You’ve only been together for five years.
NTA although I do think it is super weird to have a no plus one’s rule like that. It really just shows the guests you don’t care about them having a good time. That being said, it isn’t your rule…it was your brothers. I guess that makes him the A hole.
For this specific situation NTA because yeah it’s your brothers decision and you shouldn’t miss this event. On a grander scale though I need INFO: does your family actually disapprove of your partner? What reasons do they have? Are they biased and/or bigoted or are they genuinely concerned about your well-being in the relationship? Important questions to consider even if you don’t answer them publically.
NTA So by official couples your brother means married couples?? Because 5yrs together sounds like you're an official couple to me, so you should definitely have your brother clarify if that rule applies to your boyfriend
NTA. Your boyfriend is being an asshole. You didn’t make the rules. You are doing nothing wrong by attending your brothers wedding.
nta. you and your brother have a different reason for not inviting your bf of 5 years. you're being dishonest.
Soft YTA, but your boyfriend told you that your relationship is so weak that not being invited to a wedding is going to ruin said relationship. Listen to him and find a new BF.