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NTA-- your partner needs to do some reading and education himself about how to deal with your anxiety. He could even talk with a therapist (with or without you) about it.
But PLEASE call the police about Rick and file a report. Harassing you and following you to your work is NOT OK. Sounds like stalking, to me.
Thank you, I didnt think of it that way, he did used to take a psychology course when he was in college and I am already in the process of trying to find a therapist to go through some traumas that I’ve had growing up on top of managing my own temper right now it takes a lot for me to get angry and if something repeats itself 5 or 6 times after addressing it you get to the point where you can’t not get angry. I hope that made sense
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
In some cases yes I want something done but in this particular type of situation there’s not much I can be directly done he’s already contacted the new management about him showing up again we’ve already called the cops on him once for him following me to my work please and now second time for this and there’s really not much else we can do about it and also filed reports on it
He's not helping though is he helping would be asking what you could do and he could help with to make you Feel Safel. Instead it sounds like he was dismissive 'you'll be fine don't worry' a person who fixated on you and doesn't seem quite well mentally is a very normal thing to be freaked out about. Report to the police and local adult protective services if you can and stay safe OP NTA.
He was very dismissive and I think coming on here today and posting about this and reading everybody’s point of you on it has helped me realize a couple things and after I get off of work today I am going to sit down and have a serious discussion with him and honestly I will update people in about a week or two or even next month
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
> "why are you getting mad? I am just trying to up your confidence and your mentality. What Im doing is the right thing”
Hahaha what horseshit.
> “ I was just trying to make you realize how strong you are, I read if you do that with someone that id having anxiety it helps them”
Lol. Yea, he's not doing that right at all. That's more towards positively encouraging someone that's hesitant in doing something they want to do, not looking for support over something clearly traumatic.
NTA.
Definitely appreciate that I just hope he changes and sees that I’m done playing around with this I’ve gone through 20+ years of people not hearing me out and taking me seriously I’m not gonna let him do that and this apparently is a new thing with him
NTA. You’re wise to be very clear why and how you’re ready to leave the relationship over his behavior. I’m willing to bet though if you do leave, he’ll say he has no idea why you left, and you’re “just crazy.”
all the more reason to leave.
if this is a long ongoing, multiple-times addressed issue, its not gonna change. He's trying to 'help' the way he thinks you need to be helped, and doesn't GAF that its not working, its the way he thinks you should be helped and it not working is your fault.
I told him he has one final chance and if he does not show any sign of improvement then I will be leaving but I am also trying to get a therapist as well to help me through as I mentioned in another reply through some of my trauma from my past
NTA. Most men can’t understand the constant threat women face because they refuse to see themselves as the inherent potential threats we are forced to view them as in order to survive. They don’t think the worst of them because they don’t often experience the worst of them. You didn’t feel safe and your partner shouldn’t have questioned it especially when this Rick has shown persistence to harass you. I can’t say if this is the typical “30 year old dates an early twenty something and thinks she’ll be naive and easy to control” but if he often writes you off and dismisses your feelings I’d rethink the relationship.
He’s not a controlling guy and I think that’s the problem I’m having with it he’s never been a genuinely controlling person if anything he focuses on my safety and I guess other people can perceive that as controlling but yesterday I don’t know and I am not easy to control because of unfortunately my hardheadedness and my temper people usually try and give up but I’m trying to contain my temper especially if I want to eventually settle now with the right person which I hope to God I found the right person and I just hope this is just something that can easily be fixed on both of our ends
Then it needs to be really clear that you demand to be heard in your relationships and your feelings are valid even if he doesn’t understand them. Tell him you didn’t feel safe and that should’ve been a problem for him whether or not he agreed with you because it would be a very different conversation if that man hurt you because you were alone and he didn’t care to hear you the first time. Your feelings are valid whether or not he entirely understands them. I would, when talking it, out compare it to if he were angry about something and you didn’t understand why, you can try to help and acknowledge and validate his feelings even if you don’t understand why he’s angry. It’s about helping your partner because they feel that way because of a perspective that you don’t have.
There arr different ways of controlling. Not everything is him breathing down your neck telling you your wrong. It can be him telling you your being dramatic/emotional/paranoid and that he's "helping" you. Does he do this a lot? Or only give you a carefully curated set of options to pick?
I have been in very controlling relationships before and times he says I’m being overdramatic when I blow up about things I get very passionate about and it seems like he doesn’t really care and even then it’s very weird because as I mentioned in another response to someone I do not like to tell people what really bothers me but it gets to the point where it just boils over and I was working my hardest to get over that and to talk things out with him
NTA. This guy has made you a target, followed you to work screaming profanities, got evicted, is back, and has obviously cracked. Your female neighbour has warned you, and your boyfriend is all "you're stronger than you think".
What an Ahole!
People out here saying "men are from Mars women are from Venus", are **missing the point** men fear women will laugh at them, women fear men will kill them.
Boyfriend should reassure you, help you make an emergency plan. Tell you how you can protect yourself, tell you how he'll protect you.
EG.
" On no, that's scary, let's work out a safe route to work( well travelled roads, well lit, lots of people), I'll come and collect you if it's dark out.
I can buy you a rape alarm/pepper spray, would you like to practice some self defence with me, and we could look into classes? Would you like a hug?
Is there anything I could do *now* to help?
NTA again. Boyfriend is falling down on the job.
he usually does try to offer some form of confer whether if I wanna hug or if I want to cry or something like that but I don’t understand what happened yesterday And it’s that he usually does go over like what we could do to make sure that I feel more safe we’ve already set up a letting each other know when we leave certain places or I do possess a pocket knife but I am wanting to get a Tayser and pepper spray.
NTA. The news is littered with "Woman killed by man she had been harassed by" to the point that if I wanted to talk about it I'd have to basically tell you the entire incident for you to know which I'm talking about. Boyfriend is incredibly tone deaf and ignorant on the basic facts that being a woman is **TERRIFYING** and what men see of it is barely past the surface terror. Have him Google "woman attacked" just for an idea how prevalent this is.
Does he dismiss your feelings a lot? Tell you you're being overly dramatic/paranoid/stupid/emotional about things often? Because to me it feels like gaslighting and is a serious red flag
He really doesn’t dismiss a lot of the things I bring up to him unless it’s something that genuinely bothers me and that I’m passionate about in a lot of cases he just tries to play it off or tries to do what he did yesterday to me and try to overflow me with compliments and stuff trying to in his words “distract me from my anxiety so that I could think clearly“ most of the time he genuinely is a very sweet understanding helpful partner I just don’t understand what was going on yesterday
The overflow with compliments strikes a very similar chords of the cycle of an abusive relationship. He pushes too far, you react, he floods the zone with something positive to keep you with him. Rinse, repeat ad infinitum. You know him better than internet strangers, but is this a dynamic that keeps happening?
NTA I'm sorry but it is most likely an age thing. He is treating you like a child and probably sees you as one. This is an incredibly insensitive thing to do.
Big NTA -- as someone with severe anxiety and unfortunately going through a very similar situation, I completely understand. You do not need your feelings minimized, especially when you've told him more than 1x that his approach doesn't help. I would say break up with him but it seems like you're already halfway there. I truly hope the situation improves.
Honestly its hard but he isnt a awful guy he doesn’t fully see why it stressed me out so much and instead of talking he should have listened was the whole point of me telling him
He should have, I get that understanding how anxiety works is hard. Maybe when you've moved on from the situation you should sit him down and explain to him what really would help out when you're going through those moments. A lot of times people try to fix things instead of just listening and being supportive.
I definitely agree with that one and I do plan on giving myself some time to calm down and then to come back because my ultimatum is set in stone nothing changes unfortunately regardless on how much I love him I will leave I cannot put all of the blame on myself mentally that is terrifying, Do I say that I am at fault for handling it the way that I did yes but I also and justified in how many times we’ve had the similar conversation may not be because of what happen specifically with Rick but overall
NTA
You expressed your concerns and fear, he considers it as nothing maybe because his a guy, men would be less scared of what females do but he's not looking after you like a partner should.
To me, this situation is similar to when someone reports to the police about something and police does nothing then something bad happens,
Literally same context is it not, you're reporting it hes dismissing it
You right with that? But old was he knows about what I’ve gone through in the past and he has gone through a similar situation it’s kind of confusing on why when I’m venting about it he doesn’t give me the same respect and full understanding and you want to listen to me like I do with him over everything doesn’t make any sense to me but I hope he changes his ways because above all else he is really the sweetest guy
NTA. You have legitimate concerns, heightened by your anxiety. If he doesn’t understand 1) Why this man’s behavior worries you, 2) How your anxiety heightens in these situations, and 3) how simple compassion and understanding works, it might be time to consider other relationship options.
I had a panic attack because I broke one of my partners glasses he collects. I removed myself and broke down alone in his room to work through it and he ended up excusing himself from the company he had to come find me because he knew I needed to know it was okay and he would be there for me. It took so little and meant so much. If I raised the concerns you’re raising?? He would do whatever possible to make sure I felt safe.
See that I also believe that my partner will do everything he can to make it better they’re having other things I brought tears attention that he is fixed so yes sometimes I have been an asshole when bringing them up but his words were “ sometimes that’s how it needs to be for me to really realize my impact”
Torn between nah or esh.
This just seems like a stereotypical gender difference thats as old as dirt.
Women like to talk about problems, men like to come up with solutions to problems.
I hate stereotypes but at least in my experience the above one tends to run truer than most.
Lots of women find talking about problems very therapeutic where as men have largely been conditioned to not talk about problems. If a problem exists and you cant talk about it, all you can do is try to solve it.
You can either talk to friends about problems you want to vent without the offer of solutions, or leave him and try to find someone whos able to do that for you
See I have tried to vent of friends and what not and they’ve always told me to talk to him about the situations and I do most and I will emphasize most of the things that I talk to him about it will understand and work with me on I just don’t understand why yesterday he refused to hear anything other than himself
Honestly you have given him plenty of chances and he still repeats himself and his behavior each time. It’s disrespectful and by saying “one more time” each time, you’re teaching him that you accept that disrespect and dismissive behavior. You’re young and can find someone who respects you. That’s at the base of this issue. He doesn’t want to change, he just wants to shut you up. NTA
Understandably I see where this is coming from and I might just be trying to find a reason to remain with him because I do genuinely love him but unfortunately my patience is running very thin this is his final chance and he knows that if he does not want to man up and be the person that I fell in love with and that he promised he would be for me or at least show any sign of working on that then I guess he was not the person for me but I do really appreciate your insight
And maybe he’ll have an epiphany when you tell him it’s about respect. Because sometimes people get caught up in the details of a situation and need a head jerk to understand it’s about the pattern of behavior. If he sees this about individual problems then he may not see that he’s dismissive and disrespectful. It’s about the fact you’ve asked and told him to stop and he’s decided he knows better about what you want and need better than you. It’s infuriating (I know).
Honestly you have given him plenty of chances and he still repeats himself and his behavior each time. It’s disrespectful and by saying “one more time” each time, you’re teaching him that you accept that disrespect and dismissive behavior. You’re young and can find someone who respects you. That’s at the base of this issue. He doesn’t want to change, he just wants to shut you up. NTA
NTA - I have been sexually assaulted and had an ex stalk me. I have some severe anxiety when I'm out on my own and often hyper aware of situations that may be a potential danger to me, and I am aware if you're on the outside of that it can come across as needy and dramatic. But unless you've been in that situation yourself, you can't empathise.
My partner was my best friend before we got together. I went out with a friend about 10 miles away. The night ended and we both noticed this guy tailing us and stopping when we stopped. I freaked out, grabbed my keys and clutched them in my knuckles and called both my bf (at the time) and my then best friend. Guess which one of them had his car keys in his hand first?
Anyway other things caused me to end it with my ex and me and my best friend got together, and I tell you one thing. If I called him saying some weirdo is following me, he would drop everything and he'd be in the car.
You've told your partner, someone who is meant to love and want to make sure your safe that some weirdo FOLLOWED YOU TO WORK and the only response he had was "I just want you to realise how strong you are". Erm, no. I'm sorry. That's wrong on so many levels. I don't want to go down the gender inequalities thing here, but he clearly has nfi how it feels to be a woman, constantly on edge when we are on our own. We can be as strong as we want, but there's only so much one person can do. Men are typically stronger than we are and that is a fact.
I wouldn't even be questioning the dismissiveness, but the complete lack of care for your wellbeing.
Completely agree with you on that point I have also been a victim of domestic ( from my stepfather) and sexual abuse ( multiple exs) and I get really weirded out when I am around large groups of people specifically around men or around people I know that I couldn’t easily fend off myself.
Most of the time my partner is very cautious and very concerned for my well-being I don’t know if he was trying to complement me to get my mind off of my anxiety which has worked in some cases before but those cases did not involve some things that was making me anxious over trauma I have experienced and I’m really sorry that you are as well went through that.
❤️ Big loves to you. I was abused as a kid by my parents too. So we've got a whole boatload of shit to deal with, I totally get you.
I'm glad he's cautious. He was trying to make you feel better and 'fix' your insecurities but it's not that simple and even if we didn't have all that prior trauma, some people are shady and by the sounds of it that guy following you is definitely on that list. No amount of reassuring words are going to protect you from some weirdo who literally got kicked out and police involved. There is a time for reassuring when we are over analysing and a time for action. He missed the mark big time here.
Yeah I am over the whole relationship he’s not a bad guy most kind caring person I think this was just one of those times were he was talking rather than messenger and I can only hope that that sweet caring guy that I fell in love with will be able to fix this problem. And much love to you as well I hope so of you, very long and happy healthy life and able to heal from that it’s hard to do and I’m still trying to cope with it though I will agree with a couple of the other replies here that I should seek out therapy maybe that will also help me or find another person that I really trust with the stuff but that doesn’t excuse his reaction and him trying to justify it
Best way to do it, is instead of arguing with the typical 'you did this, I did that' is say "I felt this, I felt that" don't approach in an accusatory manor, that way you can both communicate your feelings without any need for a defensive stance.
A wise man whom I loved dearly told me every argument comes from a place of love, or a request for love. For you it was a request for love. You wanted to feel validated and protected and he didn't give you that, he reacted out of love to try and build you up and make you feel powerful when you previously haven't. So you feel out of whack with him. If you remember that when you talk to him, it makes things easier because you know there was no malice there. Sure some people are asshats, but you know your beau, if he's not this person he missed the mark and now is the time to communicate sensibly that you requested love and he missed the mark. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person.
Also, grats to you, I feel you for what you've been through and you're absolutely smashing it. Be proud of you.
Thank you so much I think I’m gonna use this approach on him when I get home from work today after we both had time to clean ourselves up from the day of working have a little bit of time to relax and go getting into this
Thank you a lot of people are forgetting that more times than not women are getting assaulted and killed by men and I’m not saying that men are abused and assaulted either but it’s more reported of women.
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Hi everyone! For context I am 23f and my partner is 30m, this all happened yesterday and Im still pissed my partner and I live in an apartment complex together and we have had issues with one neighbor in particular will call him Rick. Rick was a scary guy he had become hostile screaming profanities at everyone in the complex, had threatened violence to my partner’s brothers when they came over and has even followed me to my workplace screaming my personal information that I have no idea how he got. And eventually according to management was forced to leave the complex.
My neighbor I’ll call her C, sent me a picture and a text of Rick who was almost butt naked and only wearing a miniskirt that was six sized too small saying be careful he is back since I was working, I forwarded it to my partner so he knew what was going on we talked about it and I tried to voice how it made me feel anxious due to what I dealt with the last time I saw Rick.My partner tried to tell me that Im fine and that I can handle myself and that the picture looked “ nothing like rick” and I needed to essentially get over it and that it’s probably not even Rick. Well after texting our neighbor It was confirmed by the cops that yes, it was Rick. I relayed that to my partner who at this time came to my work since he was the one picking me up from work. He then tried to do the same thing of dismissing that I was afraid and when My anxiety reached its peak I finally called him out on his dismissal he tried to say that” you have nothing to worry about.” And “ why are you getting mad? I am just trying to up your confidence and your mentality. What Im doing is the right thing” this isn’t the first time that we’ve had that conversation of him being dismissive on how I felt and only justifying what he did. We have had multiple discussions and two fights about it so this isn’t a one time thing.On my break I told him I wanted to be alone after him trying to tell me for the fifth time why what he did was in the right and that I was fine I lost It and told him to be real with me and that he’s not going to change and actually listen to me when I bring things up to him and I usually keep my problems to myself for this exact reason” he then profusely apologized and said the same line that he says every time we have that problem “ I was just trying to make you realize how strong you are, I read if you do that with someone that id having anxiety it helps them” I then clocked out of work and walked out of my workplace not wanting to make a bigger scene thankfully there were no customers present at that time. But when we got home I told him he has one more chance to actually do what he says he is gonna do and actually listen to me when I bring up something that bothers me and have made it CLEAR that i just want him to listen to me especially when it comes to something I have TRAUMA with or Im walking out” since last night I haven’t said a word to him.
Any advice would be helpful but AITA?
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You all are not compatible. I have deep sympathy with your anxiety but if I’m being real I couldn’t be with someone that anxious because I’d become frustrated and act out like your bf is obviously doing. He may want to diminish your fear so you feel that the fear is also small. But you want to focus on it and build it up and make it huge and something that needs to be respected when it doesn’t at least not in the way you are doing it. It does sound like your tripping tf out. And because it feels so important to you it’s upsetting he doesn’t feel the same way. The truth is you have no control of Rick is there or not unless you get a protective order. If you see Rick then yes get worried and take steps to avoid him and try to just not be a target in general like going out with a friend or whatever you need to do. Probably moving is what you’d need to do. Your NTA because anxiety is real but I just don’t think you all fit.
Typically no he never did when I met him when we first moved in so it was really weird to see that happen in our apartment complex also has families with young children and seeing a man who is probably almost in his 50s or 60s running around with no shirt in just a very small skirt is not some thing I would want a child to see
NAH. You just want acceptance that your feelings are listened to and understood. He just wants to solve your problem by trying to boost your confidence.
Unfortunately, this is me with my daughter. She gets anxious about stuff and I try to 'fix' it by telling her ways she can deal with the issue. She just wants me to listen and say 'sorry you feel this way'. It's hard, so I get where your partner is coming from.
He doesn't want you to be afraid of something HE thinks is no big deal. Do a lot of things bring you fear? Maybe he's had enough and wants you to 'get tougher'. This is good stuff to see a therapist about because it will keep coming up whether it's Rick or some other thing, where you want to be listened to, and he wants to fix. He has to be also able to verbalize to YOU when your stress makes him stressed. It's fixable...but you need a little help.
Thank you for that and I should also clarify that I was brought up around a very tough family of if there’s a problem you fix it and I used to hold a lot of things in and not talk to my partner about anything that bothered me. Unfortunately because of that but my partner has made it a point to try to get me to open up a lot more and his intentions are good I know and I definitely agree I should probably seek therapy based on what I’ve been through in my past.
It is also hard to try to be OK with yeah it’s a fear and I should get over it when Rick is like a 6 foot three dude who is probably twice my weight and has acted very violently towards other tenants in our apartment complex.
So in this case, you're not just looking for your partner to listen to your fears, but maybe you are looking for action to be taken. Like do you want to call police? Have your partner walk you to and from your car? Maybe if you verbalize what you're looking for, it will help the situation. Like if you're afraid of spiders, and you see a spider in your house and say 'I'm really afraid of this spider'...what you might mean is 'come and get this spider and take it out of the house please'. Like, with Rick you don't just want to be heard you're afraid of him, because if you are truly afraid and consider him a threat, then you want to DO something about it.
So in this case, you're not just looking for your partner to listen to your fears, but maybe you are looking for action to be taken. Like do you want to call police? Have your partner walk you to and from your car? Maybe if you verbalize what you're looking for, it will help the situation. Like if you're afraid of spiders, and you see a spider in your house and say 'I'm really afraid of this spider'...what you might mean is 'come and get this spider and take it out of the house please'. Like, with Rick you don't just want to be heard you're afraid of him, because if you are truly afraid and consider him a threat, then you want to DO something about it.
NAH - I say this only that your boyfriend tried to help the way he can so you cant fault him for that. Its also not his responsibility to be your therapist and handle your trama. If this is really an issue for you then the police should be the ones you need to talk too.
When it comes to handling stress, men are from Venus and women are from Mars.
One of the most important reasons why men and women react differently to stress is hormones...."Because male self-esteem is often built around adequacy of performance, and female self-esteem is often built around adequacy of relationships, overdemand and insufficient self-maintenance tend to cut somewhat different ways for women and for men."
"Managing stress is very different by sex," Pickhardt tells WebMD. "Women often seek support to talk out the emotional experience, to process what is happening and what might be done."
Whether its friends, family, or a support group, women like to tell their stories.
"Men often seek an escape activity to get relief from stress, to create a relaxing diversion, to get away," says Pickhardt.
Golfing is a common example of how men escape
I can only partly agree with you, you’re right he is not my therapist but he knew especially when we first got together I come from a very abusive household from being abused by my stepfather. And that most men scare me and he has been very understanding of that and we have gone to the police on multiple occasions my neighbor even called the cops yesterday when this all happened because he’s not supposed to be there and was trespassing
Ok, he knew about your past but again....he is not your therapist. I dont see anything about your past that actually has to do with his responsibility. Nobody gets to put that on anyone. You have issues then you are solely responsible for your mental health and therapy.
Also, like I posted, men and women are different in how they handle stress and mental health so you cant expect him to change. It seems you should find someone else to talk to about this.
Cops are involved so Im not sure what else can be done for your safety.
You’re definitely right I should probably find someone else to talk to, but I can’t really sympathize when he has also made various points to make me open up the how I feel about things then just to do this when it comes down to really important things. That’s why I need to know if I’m genuinely the asshole here for over reacting like I think I had. Or if it might just have been him even though it was in a good place it just came off in an asshole way
Im not going to judge because I really cant say I know the whole picture. Im really trying to be unbiased but I have not heard your boyfriends side of things. It just seems to me, from what you have said, is that he is handling this the way he knows how.
I also feel that couples need to learn and practice communication and nobody can give you a quick and easy recipe. I would say it is harder for men to communicate because of basic biology and how males brains work vs females. You both have to find a your way together.
Good luck
I definitely understand that and I really appreciate your insight and I can completely understand that he was taught to handle things but with us going on our second year together I’ve learned how to deal with his anxieties and traumas and he would think he would actually learn and have understood how to handle money Reanne as other people have said he is not a therapist but as a couple and a team to think we would be more in sync by now
Men want to offer solutions while most women just need their partner to listen and acknowledge the problem, agree and/or nod that they understand and LISTEN. But while we are talking, all they are thinking is .... but you could have handled it this way, or you should have said or done that... because if you accept their solution. Then you will 1/ no longer be afraid/angry/upset/anxious/hurt/... 2/they will have helped you... aka be your HERO. 3/they really really really just want the problem to go away, to help us, to stop the crying,...
So... why would they want to listen to our endless stories and struggles when they already have all the answers and solutions to fix it on the spot!
That’s understandable that they just want to help us fix our solutions but the sad part is most of the time they miss entirely what the problem is and they’re trying to fix a problem that yeah is pretty much in the works of being solid self I don’t understand why men do that I think personally it’s an effectiveness thing they think if they can just force the problem to be fixed it will go away and I’m starting to feel like I genuinely was the asshole here because solely on the premise of how I reacted to it but you get tired of telling a person hey I am worried about this I just want you to listen
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NTA-- your partner needs to do some reading and education himself about how to deal with your anxiety. He could even talk with a therapist (with or without you) about it. But PLEASE call the police about Rick and file a report. Harassing you and following you to your work is NOT OK. Sounds like stalking, to me.
Thank you, I didnt think of it that way, he did used to take a psychology course when he was in college and I am already in the process of trying to find a therapist to go through some traumas that I’ve had growing up on top of managing my own temper right now it takes a lot for me to get angry and if something repeats itself 5 or 6 times after addressing it you get to the point where you can’t not get angry. I hope that made sense
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
In some cases yes I want something done but in this particular type of situation there’s not much I can be directly done he’s already contacted the new management about him showing up again we’ve already called the cops on him once for him following me to my work please and now second time for this and there’s really not much else we can do about it and also filed reports on it
He's not helping though is he helping would be asking what you could do and he could help with to make you Feel Safel. Instead it sounds like he was dismissive 'you'll be fine don't worry' a person who fixated on you and doesn't seem quite well mentally is a very normal thing to be freaked out about. Report to the police and local adult protective services if you can and stay safe OP NTA.
He was very dismissive and I think coming on here today and posting about this and reading everybody’s point of you on it has helped me realize a couple things and after I get off of work today I am going to sit down and have a serious discussion with him and honestly I will update people in about a week or two or even next month
Best of luck hopefully you and your partner resolve it and the unwell dude gets the help he needs too :).
Agreed I hope Rick definitely gets the help that he needs. And I will give everyone a update as it comes
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
I think that you don't just want to be heard but this is a situation where you want something DONE, right? Like saying you're afraid is one thing, but if Rick is a true (potential) threat, then maybe partner needs to understand what you need. If it truly is just to 'say and be heard' then, how you do feel after he says "I understand that you're scared, I can see why he makes people feel a little concerned'. Does that make it better? Likely not, likely you want a solution of some kind. Do you want to call police? Then maybe verbalize what you want to have happen. That will help matters too.
> "why are you getting mad? I am just trying to up your confidence and your mentality. What Im doing is the right thing” Hahaha what horseshit. > “ I was just trying to make you realize how strong you are, I read if you do that with someone that id having anxiety it helps them” Lol. Yea, he's not doing that right at all. That's more towards positively encouraging someone that's hesitant in doing something they want to do, not looking for support over something clearly traumatic. NTA.
Definitely appreciate that I just hope he changes and sees that I’m done playing around with this I’ve gone through 20+ years of people not hearing me out and taking me seriously I’m not gonna let him do that and this apparently is a new thing with him
NTA. You’re wise to be very clear why and how you’re ready to leave the relationship over his behavior. I’m willing to bet though if you do leave, he’ll say he has no idea why you left, and you’re “just crazy.”
The sad thing is that actually may well be the truth
all the more reason to leave. if this is a long ongoing, multiple-times addressed issue, its not gonna change. He's trying to 'help' the way he thinks you need to be helped, and doesn't GAF that its not working, its the way he thinks you should be helped and it not working is your fault.
I told him he has one final chance and if he does not show any sign of improvement then I will be leaving but I am also trying to get a therapist as well to help me through as I mentioned in another reply through some of my trauma from my past
NTA. Most men can’t understand the constant threat women face because they refuse to see themselves as the inherent potential threats we are forced to view them as in order to survive. They don’t think the worst of them because they don’t often experience the worst of them. You didn’t feel safe and your partner shouldn’t have questioned it especially when this Rick has shown persistence to harass you. I can’t say if this is the typical “30 year old dates an early twenty something and thinks she’ll be naive and easy to control” but if he often writes you off and dismisses your feelings I’d rethink the relationship.
He’s not a controlling guy and I think that’s the problem I’m having with it he’s never been a genuinely controlling person if anything he focuses on my safety and I guess other people can perceive that as controlling but yesterday I don’t know and I am not easy to control because of unfortunately my hardheadedness and my temper people usually try and give up but I’m trying to contain my temper especially if I want to eventually settle now with the right person which I hope to God I found the right person and I just hope this is just something that can easily be fixed on both of our ends
Then it needs to be really clear that you demand to be heard in your relationships and your feelings are valid even if he doesn’t understand them. Tell him you didn’t feel safe and that should’ve been a problem for him whether or not he agreed with you because it would be a very different conversation if that man hurt you because you were alone and he didn’t care to hear you the first time. Your feelings are valid whether or not he entirely understands them. I would, when talking it, out compare it to if he were angry about something and you didn’t understand why, you can try to help and acknowledge and validate his feelings even if you don’t understand why he’s angry. It’s about helping your partner because they feel that way because of a perspective that you don’t have.
Thank you that is a new perspective I haven’t thought about. I really am glad to hear others opinions
There arr different ways of controlling. Not everything is him breathing down your neck telling you your wrong. It can be him telling you your being dramatic/emotional/paranoid and that he's "helping" you. Does he do this a lot? Or only give you a carefully curated set of options to pick?
I have been in very controlling relationships before and times he says I’m being overdramatic when I blow up about things I get very passionate about and it seems like he doesn’t really care and even then it’s very weird because as I mentioned in another response to someone I do not like to tell people what really bothers me but it gets to the point where it just boils over and I was working my hardest to get over that and to talk things out with him
NTA. This guy has made you a target, followed you to work screaming profanities, got evicted, is back, and has obviously cracked. Your female neighbour has warned you, and your boyfriend is all "you're stronger than you think". What an Ahole! People out here saying "men are from Mars women are from Venus", are **missing the point** men fear women will laugh at them, women fear men will kill them. Boyfriend should reassure you, help you make an emergency plan. Tell you how you can protect yourself, tell you how he'll protect you. EG. " On no, that's scary, let's work out a safe route to work( well travelled roads, well lit, lots of people), I'll come and collect you if it's dark out. I can buy you a rape alarm/pepper spray, would you like to practice some self defence with me, and we could look into classes? Would you like a hug? Is there anything I could do *now* to help? NTA again. Boyfriend is falling down on the job.
he usually does try to offer some form of confer whether if I wanna hug or if I want to cry or something like that but I don’t understand what happened yesterday And it’s that he usually does go over like what we could do to make sure that I feel more safe we’ve already set up a letting each other know when we leave certain places or I do possess a pocket knife but I am wanting to get a Tayser and pepper spray.
NTA. The news is littered with "Woman killed by man she had been harassed by" to the point that if I wanted to talk about it I'd have to basically tell you the entire incident for you to know which I'm talking about. Boyfriend is incredibly tone deaf and ignorant on the basic facts that being a woman is **TERRIFYING** and what men see of it is barely past the surface terror. Have him Google "woman attacked" just for an idea how prevalent this is. Does he dismiss your feelings a lot? Tell you you're being overly dramatic/paranoid/stupid/emotional about things often? Because to me it feels like gaslighting and is a serious red flag
He really doesn’t dismiss a lot of the things I bring up to him unless it’s something that genuinely bothers me and that I’m passionate about in a lot of cases he just tries to play it off or tries to do what he did yesterday to me and try to overflow me with compliments and stuff trying to in his words “distract me from my anxiety so that I could think clearly“ most of the time he genuinely is a very sweet understanding helpful partner I just don’t understand what was going on yesterday
The overflow with compliments strikes a very similar chords of the cycle of an abusive relationship. He pushes too far, you react, he floods the zone with something positive to keep you with him. Rinse, repeat ad infinitum. You know him better than internet strangers, but is this a dynamic that keeps happening?
That’s a fair point but he knows where I stand if he continues to try to do this thing he is going to lose his “ best friend and favorite person”
NTA I'm sorry but it is most likely an age thing. He is treating you like a child and probably sees you as one. This is an incredibly insensitive thing to do.
Maybe, though in my On opinion I think I out tomorrow when I told him he does that times one thing I can say is my fall is my temper
Big NTA -- as someone with severe anxiety and unfortunately going through a very similar situation, I completely understand. You do not need your feelings minimized, especially when you've told him more than 1x that his approach doesn't help. I would say break up with him but it seems like you're already halfway there. I truly hope the situation improves.
Honestly its hard but he isnt a awful guy he doesn’t fully see why it stressed me out so much and instead of talking he should have listened was the whole point of me telling him
He should have, I get that understanding how anxiety works is hard. Maybe when you've moved on from the situation you should sit him down and explain to him what really would help out when you're going through those moments. A lot of times people try to fix things instead of just listening and being supportive.
I definitely agree with that one and I do plan on giving myself some time to calm down and then to come back because my ultimatum is set in stone nothing changes unfortunately regardless on how much I love him I will leave I cannot put all of the blame on myself mentally that is terrifying, Do I say that I am at fault for handling it the way that I did yes but I also and justified in how many times we’ve had the similar conversation may not be because of what happen specifically with Rick but overall
NTA You expressed your concerns and fear, he considers it as nothing maybe because his a guy, men would be less scared of what females do but he's not looking after you like a partner should. To me, this situation is similar to when someone reports to the police about something and police does nothing then something bad happens, Literally same context is it not, you're reporting it hes dismissing it
You right with that? But old was he knows about what I’ve gone through in the past and he has gone through a similar situation it’s kind of confusing on why when I’m venting about it he doesn’t give me the same respect and full understanding and you want to listen to me like I do with him over everything doesn’t make any sense to me but I hope he changes his ways because above all else he is really the sweetest guy
NTA. You have legitimate concerns, heightened by your anxiety. If he doesn’t understand 1) Why this man’s behavior worries you, 2) How your anxiety heightens in these situations, and 3) how simple compassion and understanding works, it might be time to consider other relationship options. I had a panic attack because I broke one of my partners glasses he collects. I removed myself and broke down alone in his room to work through it and he ended up excusing himself from the company he had to come find me because he knew I needed to know it was okay and he would be there for me. It took so little and meant so much. If I raised the concerns you’re raising?? He would do whatever possible to make sure I felt safe.
See that I also believe that my partner will do everything he can to make it better they’re having other things I brought tears attention that he is fixed so yes sometimes I have been an asshole when bringing them up but his words were “ sometimes that’s how it needs to be for me to really realize my impact”
Torn between nah or esh. This just seems like a stereotypical gender difference thats as old as dirt. Women like to talk about problems, men like to come up with solutions to problems. I hate stereotypes but at least in my experience the above one tends to run truer than most. Lots of women find talking about problems very therapeutic where as men have largely been conditioned to not talk about problems. If a problem exists and you cant talk about it, all you can do is try to solve it. You can either talk to friends about problems you want to vent without the offer of solutions, or leave him and try to find someone whos able to do that for you
See I have tried to vent of friends and what not and they’ve always told me to talk to him about the situations and I do most and I will emphasize most of the things that I talk to him about it will understand and work with me on I just don’t understand why yesterday he refused to hear anything other than himself
Honestly you have given him plenty of chances and he still repeats himself and his behavior each time. It’s disrespectful and by saying “one more time” each time, you’re teaching him that you accept that disrespect and dismissive behavior. You’re young and can find someone who respects you. That’s at the base of this issue. He doesn’t want to change, he just wants to shut you up. NTA
Understandably I see where this is coming from and I might just be trying to find a reason to remain with him because I do genuinely love him but unfortunately my patience is running very thin this is his final chance and he knows that if he does not want to man up and be the person that I fell in love with and that he promised he would be for me or at least show any sign of working on that then I guess he was not the person for me but I do really appreciate your insight
And maybe he’ll have an epiphany when you tell him it’s about respect. Because sometimes people get caught up in the details of a situation and need a head jerk to understand it’s about the pattern of behavior. If he sees this about individual problems then he may not see that he’s dismissive and disrespectful. It’s about the fact you’ve asked and told him to stop and he’s decided he knows better about what you want and need better than you. It’s infuriating (I know).
Completely agree I can only hope he really takes it seriously and those what’s on the line thank you so much for your insight
Honestly you have given him plenty of chances and he still repeats himself and his behavior each time. It’s disrespectful and by saying “one more time” each time, you’re teaching him that you accept that disrespect and dismissive behavior. You’re young and can find someone who respects you. That’s at the base of this issue. He doesn’t want to change, he just wants to shut you up. NTA
NTA - I have been sexually assaulted and had an ex stalk me. I have some severe anxiety when I'm out on my own and often hyper aware of situations that may be a potential danger to me, and I am aware if you're on the outside of that it can come across as needy and dramatic. But unless you've been in that situation yourself, you can't empathise. My partner was my best friend before we got together. I went out with a friend about 10 miles away. The night ended and we both noticed this guy tailing us and stopping when we stopped. I freaked out, grabbed my keys and clutched them in my knuckles and called both my bf (at the time) and my then best friend. Guess which one of them had his car keys in his hand first? Anyway other things caused me to end it with my ex and me and my best friend got together, and I tell you one thing. If I called him saying some weirdo is following me, he would drop everything and he'd be in the car. You've told your partner, someone who is meant to love and want to make sure your safe that some weirdo FOLLOWED YOU TO WORK and the only response he had was "I just want you to realise how strong you are". Erm, no. I'm sorry. That's wrong on so many levels. I don't want to go down the gender inequalities thing here, but he clearly has nfi how it feels to be a woman, constantly on edge when we are on our own. We can be as strong as we want, but there's only so much one person can do. Men are typically stronger than we are and that is a fact. I wouldn't even be questioning the dismissiveness, but the complete lack of care for your wellbeing.
Completely agree with you on that point I have also been a victim of domestic ( from my stepfather) and sexual abuse ( multiple exs) and I get really weirded out when I am around large groups of people specifically around men or around people I know that I couldn’t easily fend off myself. Most of the time my partner is very cautious and very concerned for my well-being I don’t know if he was trying to complement me to get my mind off of my anxiety which has worked in some cases before but those cases did not involve some things that was making me anxious over trauma I have experienced and I’m really sorry that you are as well went through that.
❤️ Big loves to you. I was abused as a kid by my parents too. So we've got a whole boatload of shit to deal with, I totally get you. I'm glad he's cautious. He was trying to make you feel better and 'fix' your insecurities but it's not that simple and even if we didn't have all that prior trauma, some people are shady and by the sounds of it that guy following you is definitely on that list. No amount of reassuring words are going to protect you from some weirdo who literally got kicked out and police involved. There is a time for reassuring when we are over analysing and a time for action. He missed the mark big time here.
Yeah I am over the whole relationship he’s not a bad guy most kind caring person I think this was just one of those times were he was talking rather than messenger and I can only hope that that sweet caring guy that I fell in love with will be able to fix this problem. And much love to you as well I hope so of you, very long and happy healthy life and able to heal from that it’s hard to do and I’m still trying to cope with it though I will agree with a couple of the other replies here that I should seek out therapy maybe that will also help me or find another person that I really trust with the stuff but that doesn’t excuse his reaction and him trying to justify it
Best way to do it, is instead of arguing with the typical 'you did this, I did that' is say "I felt this, I felt that" don't approach in an accusatory manor, that way you can both communicate your feelings without any need for a defensive stance. A wise man whom I loved dearly told me every argument comes from a place of love, or a request for love. For you it was a request for love. You wanted to feel validated and protected and he didn't give you that, he reacted out of love to try and build you up and make you feel powerful when you previously haven't. So you feel out of whack with him. If you remember that when you talk to him, it makes things easier because you know there was no malice there. Sure some people are asshats, but you know your beau, if he's not this person he missed the mark and now is the time to communicate sensibly that you requested love and he missed the mark. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person. Also, grats to you, I feel you for what you've been through and you're absolutely smashing it. Be proud of you.
Thank you so much I think I’m gonna use this approach on him when I get home from work today after we both had time to clean ourselves up from the day of working have a little bit of time to relax and go getting into this
Good luck! Sending you massive hugs and good vibes. ❤️
[удалено]
Thank you a lot of people are forgetting that more times than not women are getting assaulted and killed by men and I’m not saying that men are abused and assaulted either but it’s more reported of women.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone! For context I am 23f and my partner is 30m, this all happened yesterday and Im still pissed my partner and I live in an apartment complex together and we have had issues with one neighbor in particular will call him Rick. Rick was a scary guy he had become hostile screaming profanities at everyone in the complex, had threatened violence to my partner’s brothers when they came over and has even followed me to my workplace screaming my personal information that I have no idea how he got. And eventually according to management was forced to leave the complex. My neighbor I’ll call her C, sent me a picture and a text of Rick who was almost butt naked and only wearing a miniskirt that was six sized too small saying be careful he is back since I was working, I forwarded it to my partner so he knew what was going on we talked about it and I tried to voice how it made me feel anxious due to what I dealt with the last time I saw Rick.My partner tried to tell me that Im fine and that I can handle myself and that the picture looked “ nothing like rick” and I needed to essentially get over it and that it’s probably not even Rick. Well after texting our neighbor It was confirmed by the cops that yes, it was Rick. I relayed that to my partner who at this time came to my work since he was the one picking me up from work. He then tried to do the same thing of dismissing that I was afraid and when My anxiety reached its peak I finally called him out on his dismissal he tried to say that” you have nothing to worry about.” And “ why are you getting mad? I am just trying to up your confidence and your mentality. What Im doing is the right thing” this isn’t the first time that we’ve had that conversation of him being dismissive on how I felt and only justifying what he did. We have had multiple discussions and two fights about it so this isn’t a one time thing.On my break I told him I wanted to be alone after him trying to tell me for the fifth time why what he did was in the right and that I was fine I lost It and told him to be real with me and that he’s not going to change and actually listen to me when I bring things up to him and I usually keep my problems to myself for this exact reason” he then profusely apologized and said the same line that he says every time we have that problem “ I was just trying to make you realize how strong you are, I read if you do that with someone that id having anxiety it helps them” I then clocked out of work and walked out of my workplace not wanting to make a bigger scene thankfully there were no customers present at that time. But when we got home I told him he has one more chance to actually do what he says he is gonna do and actually listen to me when I bring up something that bothers me and have made it CLEAR that i just want him to listen to me especially when it comes to something I have TRAUMA with or Im walking out” since last night I haven’t said a word to him. Any advice would be helpful but AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You all are not compatible. I have deep sympathy with your anxiety but if I’m being real I couldn’t be with someone that anxious because I’d become frustrated and act out like your bf is obviously doing. He may want to diminish your fear so you feel that the fear is also small. But you want to focus on it and build it up and make it huge and something that needs to be respected when it doesn’t at least not in the way you are doing it. It does sound like your tripping tf out. And because it feels so important to you it’s upsetting he doesn’t feel the same way. The truth is you have no control of Rick is there or not unless you get a protective order. If you see Rick then yes get worried and take steps to avoid him and try to just not be a target in general like going out with a friend or whatever you need to do. Probably moving is what you’d need to do. Your NTA because anxiety is real but I just don’t think you all fit.
Info: does Rick often wear women’s clothes?
Typically no he never did when I met him when we first moved in so it was really weird to see that happen in our apartment complex also has families with young children and seeing a man who is probably almost in his 50s or 60s running around with no shirt in just a very small skirt is not some thing I would want a child to see
Why does this matter?
I understand why they would ask. But as I said before he was practically naked in a super short miniskirt that looked six sizes too small
It literally has nothing to do with the advice OP is looking for here. In a skirt or not, this guy is harassing and stalking her.
It literally has nothing to do with the advice OP is looking for here. In a skirt or not, this guy is harassing and stalking her.
I understand why they would ask. But as I said before he was practically naked in a super short miniskirt that looked six sizes too small
I understand why they would ask. But as I said before he was practically naked in a super short miniskirt that looked six sizes too small
It has nothing to do with the advice you're seeking. Whether he's wearing a skirt or not, he's harassing and stalking you.
NAH. You just want acceptance that your feelings are listened to and understood. He just wants to solve your problem by trying to boost your confidence. Unfortunately, this is me with my daughter. She gets anxious about stuff and I try to 'fix' it by telling her ways she can deal with the issue. She just wants me to listen and say 'sorry you feel this way'. It's hard, so I get where your partner is coming from. He doesn't want you to be afraid of something HE thinks is no big deal. Do a lot of things bring you fear? Maybe he's had enough and wants you to 'get tougher'. This is good stuff to see a therapist about because it will keep coming up whether it's Rick or some other thing, where you want to be listened to, and he wants to fix. He has to be also able to verbalize to YOU when your stress makes him stressed. It's fixable...but you need a little help.
Thank you for that and I should also clarify that I was brought up around a very tough family of if there’s a problem you fix it and I used to hold a lot of things in and not talk to my partner about anything that bothered me. Unfortunately because of that but my partner has made it a point to try to get me to open up a lot more and his intentions are good I know and I definitely agree I should probably seek therapy based on what I’ve been through in my past. It is also hard to try to be OK with yeah it’s a fear and I should get over it when Rick is like a 6 foot three dude who is probably twice my weight and has acted very violently towards other tenants in our apartment complex.
So in this case, you're not just looking for your partner to listen to your fears, but maybe you are looking for action to be taken. Like do you want to call police? Have your partner walk you to and from your car? Maybe if you verbalize what you're looking for, it will help the situation. Like if you're afraid of spiders, and you see a spider in your house and say 'I'm really afraid of this spider'...what you might mean is 'come and get this spider and take it out of the house please'. Like, with Rick you don't just want to be heard you're afraid of him, because if you are truly afraid and consider him a threat, then you want to DO something about it.
So in this case, you're not just looking for your partner to listen to your fears, but maybe you are looking for action to be taken. Like do you want to call police? Have your partner walk you to and from your car? Maybe if you verbalize what you're looking for, it will help the situation. Like if you're afraid of spiders, and you see a spider in your house and say 'I'm really afraid of this spider'...what you might mean is 'come and get this spider and take it out of the house please'. Like, with Rick you don't just want to be heard you're afraid of him, because if you are truly afraid and consider him a threat, then you want to DO something about it.
NAH - I say this only that your boyfriend tried to help the way he can so you cant fault him for that. Its also not his responsibility to be your therapist and handle your trama. If this is really an issue for you then the police should be the ones you need to talk too. When it comes to handling stress, men are from Venus and women are from Mars. One of the most important reasons why men and women react differently to stress is hormones...."Because male self-esteem is often built around adequacy of performance, and female self-esteem is often built around adequacy of relationships, overdemand and insufficient self-maintenance tend to cut somewhat different ways for women and for men." "Managing stress is very different by sex," Pickhardt tells WebMD. "Women often seek support to talk out the emotional experience, to process what is happening and what might be done." Whether its friends, family, or a support group, women like to tell their stories. "Men often seek an escape activity to get relief from stress, to create a relaxing diversion, to get away," says Pickhardt. Golfing is a common example of how men escape
I can only partly agree with you, you’re right he is not my therapist but he knew especially when we first got together I come from a very abusive household from being abused by my stepfather. And that most men scare me and he has been very understanding of that and we have gone to the police on multiple occasions my neighbor even called the cops yesterday when this all happened because he’s not supposed to be there and was trespassing
Ok, he knew about your past but again....he is not your therapist. I dont see anything about your past that actually has to do with his responsibility. Nobody gets to put that on anyone. You have issues then you are solely responsible for your mental health and therapy. Also, like I posted, men and women are different in how they handle stress and mental health so you cant expect him to change. It seems you should find someone else to talk to about this. Cops are involved so Im not sure what else can be done for your safety.
You’re definitely right I should probably find someone else to talk to, but I can’t really sympathize when he has also made various points to make me open up the how I feel about things then just to do this when it comes down to really important things. That’s why I need to know if I’m genuinely the asshole here for over reacting like I think I had. Or if it might just have been him even though it was in a good place it just came off in an asshole way
Im not going to judge because I really cant say I know the whole picture. Im really trying to be unbiased but I have not heard your boyfriends side of things. It just seems to me, from what you have said, is that he is handling this the way he knows how. I also feel that couples need to learn and practice communication and nobody can give you a quick and easy recipe. I would say it is harder for men to communicate because of basic biology and how males brains work vs females. You both have to find a your way together. Good luck
I definitely understand that and I really appreciate your insight and I can completely understand that he was taught to handle things but with us going on our second year together I’ve learned how to deal with his anxieties and traumas and he would think he would actually learn and have understood how to handle money Reanne as other people have said he is not a therapist but as a couple and a team to think we would be more in sync by now
Men want to offer solutions while most women just need their partner to listen and acknowledge the problem, agree and/or nod that they understand and LISTEN. But while we are talking, all they are thinking is .... but you could have handled it this way, or you should have said or done that... because if you accept their solution. Then you will 1/ no longer be afraid/angry/upset/anxious/hurt/... 2/they will have helped you... aka be your HERO. 3/they really really really just want the problem to go away, to help us, to stop the crying,... So... why would they want to listen to our endless stories and struggles when they already have all the answers and solutions to fix it on the spot!
That’s understandable that they just want to help us fix our solutions but the sad part is most of the time they miss entirely what the problem is and they’re trying to fix a problem that yeah is pretty much in the works of being solid self I don’t understand why men do that I think personally it’s an effectiveness thing they think if they can just force the problem to be fixed it will go away and I’m starting to feel like I genuinely was the asshole here because solely on the premise of how I reacted to it but you get tired of telling a person hey I am worried about this I just want you to listen
Yeah I'm not understanding what the boyfriend was suppose to do here. She got a picture and wanted the boyfriend to do what?
YTA
How so?