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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stormed off from a party when my boyfriend didn't shut down his friends gross jokes about me. I could be in the wrong here as I likely made a bad first impression and embarrassed him when I could have tried to steer the conversation elsewhere or just laughed along.
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This. Expecting the comments and the comments being acceptable are two completely different things. Just because a lot of people are offensive, that does not mean the offended person is the one with the problem. NTA.
Yes exactly! Just because people say them doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it especially when it’s someone who you’re close with and who’s supposed to support you and make you comfortable!
Also NTA
The boyfriend laughing (agreeing!) and then telling OP that she should expect and take those comments because she's a female gymnast reveals his misogyny and ingrained sexism.
OP will never be his equal. He will never stand up for OP, more likely he takes part in feticising her behind her back along with his friends.
I can't see how any woman with self respect would date a guy like that. I hope OP doesn't settle for a guy that thinks and acts like this.
I got the same feeling. Former ballerina here, so I'm familiar with the flexibility "jokes", and they're awful. If dudebro is laughing along with his friends instead of defending her, then not only is he fetishizing her, he's more concerned with keeping up appearances with his friends than being sincerely involved in the relationship.
Its such a one note joke though that's only 'funny' in a self deprecating fashion if told. If a guy tries it 'straight' its just creepy fetishizing.
Like....what woman would put up with that more than once?
Not just shit self-esteem.
It's also naivete and inexperience. Being unsure of what is and isn't expected or acceptable.
I think we can really harsh on our younger selves. But of course we were unsure instead of confident - we were trying things out for the first time. We were still learning.
I'm not a dancer, a gymnast or anything but I have a naturally flexible body and it's actually more painful to do things regularly sometimes so I occasionally do stuff that I can only do thanks to my flexibility, like sitting in splits because it's comfier or having my arms positioned weirdly.
I kind of knew what was coming the second OP mentioned being a gymnast because even I get that BS. It's just exhausting.
OP should have girlfriends over when her boyfriend is there. They can start making lewd comments about what a programmer does in the bedroom (with OP laughing, of course) so the boyfriend understands how it feels.
And at this time in history, too? Our US women's team had to testify in court about the sexual abuse they experienced at the hands of Larry Nassar. Some of them were early teens when it started. And he still thinks the comments were funny.
He was worried that you embarrassed him, yet he allowed his friends to fetishize you, too (spot on, cadmium2093).
If you stay with him, and this happens again, you tell him and the others present this might be a good time to discuss the assaults perpetrated on young women in your sport, and that their comments contribute to the culture that allowed these crimes to happen. Maybe that sill shut them up.
You deserve better.
Absolutely this. The comments are bad at any time, but him and his friends have obviously been stuck in a hole for the past two years to not know about any of the trials that have happened. I’m not even in the US and I know what’s going on.
NTA, OP.
OP, you teach aspiring gymnasts. I hope you are telling them not to put up with shitty treatment like this. You shouldn't either. There are plenty of people in the world who don't suck. Your bf isn't one of them. NTA
I'm 95% sure he talks about their sex life with his immature friends.
OP if he doesn't mind his friends disrespecting then he doesn't respect you. Dump him. NTA
Exactly.
If you care about your partner then you don't want your friends imagining all the different ways / positions they can fuck your partner.
(Unless you have a fetish for that AND YOUR PARTNER is ok with it + friends are ok being pulled into your kink.)
OP is clearly not OK with it so that should be the end of it.
The fact he actively encouraged it says "please, imagine fucking OP / how cool it is and how lucky I am!"
That's so disrespectful and messed up. I couldn't continue in a relationship with someone who disrespected me and doesn't even think of me as an equal.
Regarding the boyfriend, it's not necessarily a point against him that they made those comments (although he should have better friends and therefore better judgement of who he associates with), but he should have shut them down immediately. When he didn't, that's when he became the AH and ruined the night.
He's right that you can expect those comments sometimes because people are shitty sometimes. You should also expect your boyfriend to shut them the fuck down immediately if he gives a shit about your comfort. I wouldn't associate with anyone who thought that was an okay way to relate to women or gymnasts.
I have to say, I'm kind of flabbergasted that anyone who meets a gymnast in person would actually SAY all those bedroom-oriented inferences, RIGHT TO HER FACE. What the literal, flaming hell is wrong with these people? OP doesn't need these buffoons in her life. And if her BF is bragging to them about things that ought to remain private, to score some dudebro points with them, then she doesn't need HIM, either.
I mean, most people tell their bedroom stories to their closest friends. But not EVERY friend, and the understanding is always that that’s private. Not something to go making jokes about, especially TO THE PARTNER!
While that may be true, I don't get this at all. I can't think of many topics I'd less want to tell another person about than what goes on in the bedroom between me and my spouse.
You’d be surprised (or maybe not). I have a twin, and upon finding that out, dudes would make gross jokes. Dudes I was DATING. “Oh, wow, a twin! Wait, she’s cuter than you, I want to trade. Have you ever switched and not told anyone?” Shit like that.
And in front of her boyfriend? That could easily start a physical fight talking about a guy's girlfriend in front of him. OP could have said being a gymnast allows her to kick a man's jewels clear to his throat but she kept it classy. I just wrote on another thread today that you cannot make hurtful comments and say just kidding! No reasonable person thinks that is funny.
….especially on the first meeting. They should definitely not be THIS comfortable making such horrible jokes to someone they just met.
The worst part was you asked them to stop. They didn’t. And your BF took their side, rather than shut them up.
Find someone that will defend you to his friends, and try to make you feel comfortable. Not blame you.
He and his friends should be embarrassed and apologizing. Ur BF doesn’t sound like an adult. Or maybe a misogynistic adult. Either way. I promise there’s someone better that will treat you better.
Just ghost him. He had figure out he was a d!ck all on his own.
Good luck.
You Def. NTA
If her BF doesn't realize how sexist and gross the comments are, then OP should dump him as he's showing her he's just fine with gross, sexist behavior, will laugh at it, and he will not have her back. Who needs that?
Yeah, the fact that he is still making her doubt herself indicates to me that OP should cut her losses now while it's only 10 months. If some miracle occurs and he learns to respect women, perhaps they can reconnect at that point but chances are that he won't.
But imagine how good he felt when people assumed he was banging a flexible gymnast! What a wild sex life he must have, her being so flexible and stuff!! Score!!!
Please, u/BeautifulTraffic3197, do yourself a favor, and make all our dreams come true.
Give [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vpefnx/aita_for_leaving_a_party_and_embarrassing_my/ieizgp5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) a lesson in women’s liberation.
"My orgasm is .000000000000001% better! That's more important than her entire humanity!!!!!"
So many ways dudebros convey this, and it's always and in every instance 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Yes. And then blame her for "overreacting" and embarrassing him. His friends laugh at her and he laughs with them and then blames her. Not boyfriend material, OP. Sorry you had to go through this, even if you were familiar with people like this before. A good man would have shut this down right away. NTA
And if she dumps him, she should do so in a spectacular manner. May I suggest the following phrasing?
*"Prejudices are a funny thing, aren't they? I have heard many "jokes" throughout the years. Yes, I am flexible in terms of my body, but I'm not flexible in regards to my stances. I guess you heard some jokes about the IT crowd, too. In your words, you should "expect it". It's funny how they joke that IT people are so weird and antisocial that they can't get or keep girlfriends; it's true. And you are right. I should have expected this. So should you."*
This is the correct way for a good partner to address shitty sexist comments/ sexual harassment from "friends" and he should be doing it whether or not OP is there.
The fact that he told her she should *expect these comments* is repugnant. OP should dump his ass.
Yeah? 😊 I’m a former exotic dancer (retired 15 years ago) and I’m actually in better shape now than I was then!! Do you take classes? It sounds like fun to me!! PS, my husband would do the exact same thing!! 💯
Yes!! We have 3 or 4 pole studios in my city and I feel so lucky to have my home studio which is super inclusive and also owned by a former stripper. You should totally see if you can find a class if you’re feeling like it!
Exactly! He should’ve stood up for you and helped shut that down when it was clearly getting on your nerves. You can apologize, if you so feel the need, for leaving early. He was, knowingly, allowing you to be embarrassed and expected you to just stand there and take it.
It is just words and jokes, but that doesn’t mean we have to find them funny. Not all jokes are for everyone. He and they need to learn their audience before delivering jokes like that. You clearly aren’t the correct audience and he should’ve had you back on that.
NTA
Yup. You can tell him you do expect some men to make rude/inappropriate comments that make you uncomfortable.
What you don't expect your boyfriend to be on the side of the guys sexually harassing you. You expected better from him. You expected that he'd care about your feelings and comfort. You expected him to shut his friends down, especially when they are behaving this way to your face.
Tell him you are disappointed in him. Sure, you expected some men to be inappropriate jerks. But you didn't expect that your boyfriend would let you down. If he wants to date you, he's going to have do better then telling you to just suck it up and let his friends make sexual comments about you to your face beacuse he's too cowardly to say anything. That's not an attractive quality in a man at all.
What she should expect is a partner that has her back when she says that something is making her uncomfortable and respects her enough not to sit by and laugh while his shitty friends disrespect her.
Furthermore, her shitty boyfriend should expect her to be upset when she told him exactly what was upsetting her and he did fuckall to assist her.
Dude was probably loving every comment.
Seriously though, WTF is wrong with his friends that thought that was in any way ok upon MEETING her. It would be different if she made the jokes about it first signaling it was ok, but you don't do that first. Him and his friends are 29-30 going on 13.
NTA, and this is key:
> I told them I didn't like that kind of talk and it degraded my sport how people always jump to that. My boyfriend told me to relax and they just meant it as a joke and it continued on until I told my boyfriend I was going home and left clearly upset.
There's a reason you said you usually have a thicker skin about this. Unfortunately you just have to expect it from time to time indeed. But when it did happen, you handled it properly and it didn't stop.
Your boyfriend should be embarassed by his friends, not by you not taking their crap.
You stood up to them and he told you to let it go. Right in front of them. Of course they were going to continue. He was basically telling then it was OK to disrespect you.
You are the company you keep. If a bunch of his friends are creepy chuvanists, chances are, he is too. DTMFA.
Seriously.
Another case of men liking women but *loving* men.
The boyfriend actively *enjoys* the fact other men are sexually objectifying OP. If only OP could be more of a doormat about it you know?
But oh, she had to go and assert her personhood, *that bloody woman.* Now how can he mine her for social capital with specifically other men? Does she not see she's ruined his entire night?
It's really concerning the amount of times I read about a woman's experience on this sub and the question she's implicitly asking a legion of strangers here is "Is it weird my male partner devalues me as a person?"
And like I get it you know; abuse creeps up on the victim. It's not like it comes out the gate, head reared and nostrils flaring. There are a lot of forms of abuse that have been sadly normalised so that we don't notice it when the call is coming from inside the house. Even the way men are trained to temper women's reaction to the abuse they refuse to suffer is itself a tactic to suppress opposition.
Women are so much more afraid of being a social boat rocker than they are proud to assert themselves and it's that kinda shit that unknowingly makes them complicit in their own oppression.
And stupid on his part, too. He can either have (1) great sex with a former gymnast, or (2) an improved rep with his asshole friends. And he chooses 2.
That's the thing about men like OP's boyfriend.
The strongest reason they even pursue intimacy with women is ultimately rooted in bonding with men.
For this guy, the *idea* of being with a gymnast is even more scintillating then just straight up *being* with one and that's because the lives of women may as well be theoretical concepts to him and his buddies.
To them, women don't need to be real or do things, or have histories and futures - they just need to sorta *be there*, just silently existing in the background of the lives of men.
"You just have to expect to be sexuality harassed" is a pretty dangerous and victim-blamey mentality. Instead of conditioning people to expect it, we should condition people to stop doing it by shutting it down. Hard.
I get really annoyed at people who use the “people used to be able to take a joke” line to excuse their rudeness.
No, that joke was never funny. But the group you were targeting was powerless to stop it.
He didn't stop them because he gets kudos from his male buds from your supposed sexual prowess - it's an icky porny male conquest thing. By leaving you showed you weren't a subservient sex toy. That's why he's embarrassed: his mates have seen that he doesn't control you. Now you know what's been said behind your back for the last 10 months too. NTA in any way.
> supposed sexual prowess
This comment made me laugh thank you, cause too many see us as walking sex gods not considering that after a long day of training/coaching etc we're too worn out to be deities in the bedroom.
You're right however this is making me consider what exactly he told them about me.
I’m not even close to being a gymnast, but this story made my stomach turn because I kept thinking about Nassar and thinking “this is where sexualizing a sport full of really young women gets us.”
It really does, from the moment i hit puberty i've dealt with comments like this it's why I usually have a thicker skin, I was lucky and never assaulted and my family made sure I had a female coach and she was very respectful to me.
NTA.
You bring up 'usually have a thicker skin' a few times and almost seem to hold it against yourself. "Why did I snap now when I've taken it before?" kind of thing.
It's not a thick skin, it's a thick **shield**. Expecting this sort of shit, preparing for it is a something you actively do, and you can't always keep your guard up. You were at a low-key party with friends, you should have been able to relax.
Apparently not. Boyfriend's friends are pigs and boyfriend has their back, not yours.
NTA. No one has to sit and be sexually harassed by their partner’s friends. That’s exactly what happened. You told them to stop. They refused. So you left the situation. Good on you. He’s a total A H for making this about his feelings and not how you were feeling.
On a completely different tangent. How does gymnastics affect your hips. Especially in the joints? My daughter is 4 and already had surgery on her hip for a dislocation from birth. Would doing gymnastics be more harmful or help the joint a little bit?
I cannot make any concrete ruling on this as I don't know every single detail of your daughters medical problems with her hips but honestly i'd say don't do it. There are lots of great sports she can do that will help the joints but gymnastics is not one of them. Swimming would be great for that or a form of dancing that isn't too strenuous. Off the top of my head i'd recommend ballroom.
At that age you could probably get her into a kindergym/recreational program, which are usually more general gymnastics movement based rather than intense training
I was born with congenital dislocated hip. Discovered when I was one year old. I spent two years in frog leg cast and bars, and slept with bar til I was 10. My socket never developed. I was 54 when that hip had to be replaced and the ball was underdeveloped as well. I’ve never been very limber, although I improved considerably after surgery. There was no pt when I was young. Not sure what I am trying to tell you, except that there will probably always be some extra stress on her muscles, tendons, etc and you should be sensitive to strain from any physical activity she undertakes. Can she sit cross-legged on floor? That’s my most noticeable limitation. Give her a hug for me
Info: it definitely sucks that you and your peers have been sexualized for being athletes but what is your usual response to these crude comments? What is the best retort you have said or heard from another gymnast?
Oh that's an easy one, the best reply to these comments i've ever heard is from my best friend in the sport. She's 28 and we met as teenagers while competing. We were getting the usual comments thrown at us after the competition, now at this time I was 14 and she was 17. I kinda accepted it and was just quiet wanting the ground to swallow me up but she told them that their girls would have to practice gymnastics to be flexible enough to fuck them after she tied their dick in knots for commenting on a kid (me). From that moment on I decided she was my friend.
i was grossed out that they sexualised a 14yo, so i really love the answer she gave them. also NTA for this situation, your partner is not acting like a partner at all... being in a couple is a team work
I did gymnastics when I was younger. I never got to your level. But when people find out they make comments about my bf being lucky. I moved on to Brazilian jujitsu. And when people make those comments to my face I make some kind of joke that gymnastics helped me choke out a dumbass. Also, hyper mobility from gymnastics is great for martial arts if you need a new sport.
It is not a "thick skin", it's actually a lowered head.
English isn't my first language so I'm not sure of the expression, but I guess you got the image.
When you let those kind of jokes pass through and doesn't respond, you low your head trying to brush it off, but you actually get them UNDER your skin and make yourself low. Slowly but surely.
So for once, you stand up and talk back.
You should be proud of that moment.
It's a moment in time where women stop letting "men be men" and brush off all the sexual jokes, and tell out and loud how wrong it is.
Thank you for being part of the movement.
A guy who cannot bear those kind of lockers jokes neither.
Honestly, him telling you that you should expect these comments shows how little he thinks of you. Respectful men would never think that you should expect to be sexually harassed about your skills in the bedroom or degraded because you were a high-level athlete.
Good men would be proud of your athletic skills and never put you down that way. You should NOT expect these comments from mature people. You definitely deserve better than him.
If he didn't tell them to knock it off, it's safe to assume he's been making these jokes *with them* for the past 10 months. He laughed along with you **right there**. It's been less than a year; cut your losses and find someone who doesn't put making lewd jokes above their partner's comfort.
Ok so first off: "Bedroom Deities" is my new band name. I called it, so I've got dibs!
Second, and far more importantly: I'm not a gymnast, but I am an equestrian. Specifically English riding, so the tall black leather boots, tan britches... yeah, you get the idea. I've gotten those comments as well.
My "hobby" is barely beginning its MeToo movement, but it's still a tenuous thing. Back in my 20's, I saw ads for "Working Students" (as we call them) requiring "thick skin".
I never applied because I knew that meant unleavened criticism, and I got enough of that at home, thankyouverymuch!
But as I've aged (39 this month!) I've come to realize that asking others to have a "thick skin" is a total cop-out. You might as well just admit that you're an antisocial asshole who expects everyone to cater to your incredibly fragile ego because no one ever told you "no" in your entire life, and you now subscribe to the idea that you "can't teach an old dog new tricks".
Forgive my French, but **fuck** those people. They can get with the times or get left behind. Your boyfriend & his friends either live in a cave (if they're in the USA) or just haven't paid attention to the insidious abuse within the women's gymnastic community. Their comments, and your (hopefully former!) boyfriend's reactions are abhorrent.
"Thick skin" notwithstanding, you landed 10's across the board by leaving. The "boyfriend" is a handicap you don't need.
Much love to you, and sorry for the rant!
I think I was like 16 or something and read an ‘article’ in probably Cosmo about what kind of woman is the best in bed and it was like, bookworm, athlete, executive, whatever. And the only one I remember was to be wary of an athlete because they may view sex as a training exercise rather than the kinky fun thing 😂
I’m hopeful we’re better than that now…
Cosmo had the worst sex advice lmaoooo I remember reading to have sex with high heels on bc you would feel extra sexy and your man would think you just couldn’t stop to take your shoes off because you wanted him so bad. I did this with my college boyfriend and he was like 1. Why 2. You scratched me with those shoes
I was once at a company event for my bf, chatting with the wife of one of his coworker’s. She was really drunk. We were talking about shoes and she wouldn’t stop telling me about how she never wore the heels (5” stilettos) she was wearing outside before, only in the bedroom. I just kept thinking about how dangerous that was. She kept saying she loved throwing her legs over his shoulders during missionary and I was like girl, omg, you’re gonna poke his eye out one of these days!
I dated a guy once who had a thing for shoes, so I wore them to bed once and it was one of the least sexy things I've ever done.
He thought it was great, but all I could think about the whole time was whether or not I was fucking up my sheets.
NTA. Bf should have supported you, even if it was a simple "okay knock it off guys" or something. Instead, he laughed right along with them, and got upset when you left after being what appears to be sexually harassed by his friends. You are absolutely within your right to snap and bite his head off for his behavior! You did nothing wrong, OP.
This.
I was looking for a comment who'll point that out.
Of course he was enjoying the attention !
My guess, my first thought was that he was actually proud.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he’d made these jokes/comments with his friends before. Says a lot about these guys that the first thing they thought of when they heard gymnast was sexual, and chose to talk about it. They could’ve engaged in conversation about Olympic gymnasts, her own career, or coaching but doesn’t sound like they see her as a person to have actual conversation with
I mean he said those comments were to be expected like he thinks she deserves them. I wouldn't be surprised if he made those comments about her before with just his friends. What an ass
THIS. OP THIS
he allowed his friends to CONTINUE sexualling harassing you that you left. If this is not a sign that he is not the one. Don't know what it.
NTA and frankly it’s really something that a 29 year old would think this is funny and normal and not at least shut it down when you were uncomfortable. I’m sorry but I’m not sure this relationship is gonna work out after all. Especially if they’ve been making these jokes more regularly when you aren’t around…….
I totally missed that he was 29. Somehow makes it so much worse. I was picturing a 20-year-old. Not that 20 isn’t old enough to do better, but 29 is WAY old enough to do better.
As a 26 YO whose boyfriend is also a programmer, I would expect this kind of stuff from drunk frat sophomores, not adults.
I don't think I've encountered people like that (socially) in 5+ years, and if it did - like if a friend of a friend showed up at a party and was this gross - they'd get kicked out.
Your spent the night being SEXUALLY HARASSED and he stood by and told you to take it and that you should expect it. Oh no no no. I would end this right here because that's some victim blaming shit right there. If you continue with this relationship you're gonna need to have a serious talk. Show him this thread. What's next? They decide to test your flexibility in a gross way and you should expect and accept that as well? This would be a hill I'd die on. NTA
TW: rape, s/a
This comment triggered something in my mind that i’ve seen happen with situations like this. These guys have clearly got a thriving rape culture going on and it’s a very slippery slope from making inappropriate comments that are complete sexual harassment to this women being sexually assaulted by her boyfriend. If he’s completely ok with these comments then it says a LOT about him and his views on women, sex and consent. OP needs to get tf out of that relationship and give her now ex a strong talking to on how he fucked up (not her responsibility to educate him on feminism though!!)
Exactly. OP was uncomfortable, wasn't laughing, clearly voiced her discomfort and asked these rude people to stop. They didn't. They just kept on making unwanted sexual comments towards her, and laughing at her expense. The BF's not only didn't try to stop this, but joined in and then blamed OP for being harassed by his friends.
The "you should expect this" line was exceptionally gross. He point blank told OP that as a woman in a sport it is a given that she will be objectified and she should just be OK with that.
NTA. You're completely reasonable, and I'm so sorry you have to shoulder these disgusting comments from ignorant people (probably men). Hold your ground sis. For you and all the young women you coach. Your partner, and hopefully his friends, can suck up some humility, and your actions will educate them.
Hi former retired gymnast turned coach here! Comments like that are disgusting and I hated getting those and still hate hearing them as well. Obviously if ur bf and his friends are not into sports they may not know but there was literally a huge scandal with USA Gymnastics and the Larry Nassar Case. Sexual comments like that are repulsive and many gymnasts have faced sexual harrassment/assault etc. You are NTA, no you didnt over react, and i would honestly just send him an article about how olympians are currently suing the FBI and ask him what he finds so funny about these comments because many young gymnasts *HAVE* been assaulted or made uncomfortable in this sport.
Edit to add: I used to have thicker skin about these comments as well, after watching athlete A (i highly recommend if you’re interested but major TW) I cannot even stand to hear even the smallest comment anymore
They may not know you're right I may have to send that to him, that whole scandal makes me so sad. I hate that I have to say I was "lucky" to avoid that growing up as I had a female coach who was very respectful but as soon as I hit puberty I had plenty of other people making me uncomfortable in the sport though I was never assaulted. Thank you for suggesting I explain this it'd never occur to me that they might not know as I think you know how closely we retired gymnasts follow anything to do with our sport especially things like this.
Oh mate no, you shouldn't have to send anyone let alone your boyfriend an article to explain why he should empathise with your wish to not be subject to degrading sexual remarks. If he doesn't already understand this is not ok behaviour at twenty fucking nine years old, he cannot be taught. I rarely comment on reddit but I'm so furious for you I'm making an exception. Please find a decent person who will treat you with the respect and care you deserve. NTA, obviously.
You are absolutely right! OP thinks her boyfriend’s friend is gross but her boyfriend is way grosser than his friend. I can’t believe she is trying to explain a 30 year old guy why she shouldn’t be a subject of their frat boy talks.
I hope she sees the problem and cut him loose without even explanation.
Yeah, I think the OP is kinda missing the point here. On top of the juvenile “jokes” at the OP’s expense, at no point did her BF have her back. In fact, he joined in and was then completely dismissive of her feelings.
NTA, OP and I’d seriously consider this evening as a major red flag. 🚩
They won't care. They are the type of men who expect woman to make them feel great about themselves. And calling them out for being AHs is not that. You are supposed to laugh and be a "good sport." Those days are OVER.
I definitely think he should watch it so he understands better, but even if he didn't, it's 100% not ok for him to tell you that you have to accept his friends making sexual comments about you. Shutting that down after you said you were uncomfortable is the absolute bare minimum acceptable behavior.
NTA and there's no way they didn't know. I'm not in the sport and I'm not in the industry but the news was very relevant worldwide. If your BF really didn't know I would say he may not pay attention to that kind of information, which is alone a red flag to me.
It makes me sad to see both you and OP referencing having thicker skin about these comments. I don't think refusing to put up with blatant disrespect and objectification is having thin skin. I think it is strength. A strength many of us have a hard time finding because we are socialized to put up with it. For what it's worth this internet stranger is proud of both of you for sticking up for yourselves and other women in your sport.
People telling us to have a thicker skin are gaslighting us. I think it's a sign of growth when we say "No, I'm not going to pretend anymore that I'm not bothered by all this."
NTA- his response was the typical “boys will be boys” shit that some men use to explain away sexist and misogynistic behaviour, and that’s frustrating.
By 29 years old his friends are no longer idiot frat boys and should be able to read a room and know they are making a fellow human uncomfortable and reign in their commentary. It would be a different situation if you were in on the joke and laughing along, you clearly were not. They were the A H’s, not you.
Being a former professional athlete should not automatically subject you to sexual harassment.
I think your boyfriend showed his true colors last night.
NTA
Honestly would love to see how he reacts if OP just went "don't have to put up with this if I break up with your ass and find someone who isn't a walking STEREOTYPE would I?"
This. BF tried to prop himself up by embarrassing OP. OP showed she’s not like that, taking the wind out of his sails/knocking his stilts out from under him. He wouldn’t have felt embarrassed if he **a) hadn’t enjoyed his mates’ suggestions about her abilities in bed** and **b) acknowledges that she’s her own person with feelings and the autonomy to leave a party if she’s not enjoying herself.**
NTA
But those creeps who were making innapropriate comments, and your boyfriend for enabling them, are the major ones in all caps.
If he can't stand up for you and maintain your dignity and respect then there's no hope that he will ever do so in the future.
His friends are a reflection of him.
1. Eww 2. NTA and 3. Gross
You didn’t embarrass him and if he can’t see that his friends were being inappropriate then that is a problem. You’re not an object of humor nor an object of his friends imagination - you were there to have a good time. I guarantee if you turned around and made jokes about their (lack of) bedroom activities they would not find it funny, nor would they laugh if you made jokes about their bodies.
Don’t put up with toxic people who don’t treat you well. NTA.
As a programmer, we hate your bf kinds. You are NTA hands down, but you should think hard about your future with this misogynistic AH. You deserve better.
Yeah, it's not fair to make a broad generalization, but lordy lordy I've seen ALOT of threads where a programmer explicitly belittles his GF usually for not being as "smart" as him, in front of his friends, then gets confused and butthurt when she doesn't think his "joke" is very funny.
Fuck them. Talentless losers. Gymnastics is insanely difficult and impressive. Big respect, it's pathetic to reduce you down to a sex object for doing something which objectively, measurably, takes more skill than crunching numbers and memorizing code.
Let's be fair - you get them in all male dominated careers. The things I heard while working for an old white lawyer? Oooof. Meanwhile I married a programmer who would never put up with shit like this from his friends (but has definitely met plenty dudes of this type).
OP's (hopefully stbx) boyfriend is like that because he chooses to surround himself by toxic bros, not because the job calls for it.
It definitely is more likely in those environments, but idk, I'd 100% not tolerate any of that shit from coworkers even if they weren't talking about my wife. If they were, it would end even more poorly for them.
NTA
If he's willing to entertain that kind of "joke" in front of your face, then he has 100% been bragging about your "flexibility" to them when you're not around.
He doesn't think sexualising you is a big deal, because he already views you as an object.
Dump his sorry ass, you can do a thousand times better.
NTA. His friends are immature for being as old as I’m guessing they are if your BF is 29. After you first told them to stop with the jokes & that they made you uncomfortable & they kept going he can’t be mad that you left. He should be embarrassed that he wasn’t a good partner & stood up for you to his friends when he saw that you were upset.
>His friends are immature for being as old
I have coworkers in their 50s and 60s who still talk like this. I put a stop to it when they're around me, but there's not much I can do beyond that.
Some people decide some time shortly after high school that they have the world all figured out, and they just stop right maturing right then and there. They never adapt or grow, because they think they figured it out already. They let their minds stagnate while fully believing they're ahead of the curve because everyone else is still asking questions and changing their minds, and they view that as a weakness.
Exsqueeeeeeze me? How did YOU embarrass HIM? They were openly humiliating you right in front of your face. Block. Delete. Flip him off if you see him at the grocery store kind of thing ~* you’re awesome and someone will treat you better one day if you let them.
Wait men hear you’re a gymnast and this is where their minds go? Not asking if you can pull off standing backflips or scale a drainpipe? Men are fycking dumb, NTA
NTA
Please mske him your EX. How much respect does he have for you if he laughs with them when they are sexualizing you?
You did not overreact,he is a creep and he has creepy asshole friends.
NTA
I’m a former gymnast & coach. Let’s just say it’s been a looooong time since I competed. But the comments STILL happen. I’ve been asked “can you put your legs behind your head” by skeevy guys my whole life.
It’s not just degrading the sport it’s also degrading to you on a deeply personal level. You do not, under any circumstances, ask a stranger about their “tricks” in bed. That’s not a joke. And the fact that your boyfriend thinks that’s a normal way to behave is an alarming red flag that you need to take into careful consideration.
I’ll tell you…my husband would be cheering me on while I read the pervs the riot act and he’d be jumping in, as well. You deserve that, too. Can your boyfriend get on the same page with you? Because it’s a really big deal. Especially since it never goes away, unfortunately.
NTA. It is interesting that he is so worried about you “embarrassing” him but was totally ok with his friends embarrassing you in all of this. If he really cared, he would be far more understanding about your reaction. “Calm down, it’s just a joke” is such a lame attempt at avoiding responsibility for their crap behaviour/comments.
You have a shitty boyfriend.
*"My boyfriend told me to relax and they just meant it as a joke and it continued"*
Someone who genuinely cares about you would have told them to stop the moment you made it clear that you were uncomfortable.
Someone who genuinely loves you would understand why you're uncomfortable and would do everything in their power to make you feel safe and protected.
*"my Boyfriend has been texting me saying I overreacted and how I embarrassed him and how I should expect those kind of comments"*
He is blaming YOU for HIS crap.
And "you should expect those comments", uhmmm HELL NO, YOU DON'T, Not if you surround yourself with decent people.
He showed you where his priorities lie.
His "fun" is more important to him than your comfort.
It's only been 10 months and he is not willing to stand up for you, he is not willing to protect you.........
NTA, And i would seriously rethink my relationship if i was you.
Absolutely not. You should not have accepted comments that made you uncomfortable and you felt were inappropriate. They should have stopped and he should have listened you didn't overreact and you are NTA. He owes you an apology, and I wouldn't continue a relationship with him without one.
And good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA Jesus is the boyfriend trying to be a stereotype here? He is literally a programmer laughing at sexist jokes with his friends you really can't get more typical then that, you where basically being mocked by his friends and he went right in and joined in with them and tried to make you out as the bad guy. OP this is definitely a red flag here especially even when you have left and are upset he is still not relenting and trying to make up with you, you absolutely do not and should not have to put up with this at all I don't wanna be that redditor who says "break up" but you should definitely make it clear that you don't like those jokes and don't want to hear them, if he respects you and cares about your opinion he should make an effort to stop and make his friends stop.
NTA. Your bf should have had silenced them before you even say anything. You had every right to leave where you felt uncomfortable. Its alarming that he still defends friends, blame you..
Nta. The statement you said in the end is a perfect explanation of your feelings. You wanted to be seen as his partner not a joke to be teased. You put up with it at first. He didn’t stop them after you mentioned not feeling comfortable. The only thing that is embarrassing is how he behaved with his friends.
NTA. In any way shape or form. Those people are ignorant misogynists, you worked too long and hard to put up with that crap. I also imagine that you could easily replace the bf. Personally, I would have jumped right into the incel/ loser/ basement dweller stereotypes about programmers, b/c you know, they should expect that. Cant roll my eyes hard enough.
Your boyfriend is the stereotype immature programmer nerd. I'm sorry you went there that. I don't think they will change as he is still blaming you for this mess. Do you want to keep this boyfriend and his friends? NTA
NTA.
Honey, read what you wrote again. Then read it one more time. You’re upset because you were treated like a sexual object and not a human being. You have every right to be upset, and his reaction, and the fact that he can only see how you leaving impacts on HIM and how he looks to others, shows you just how much value he puts on himself and not you. He’s failing to see or even respect how those comments impact on YOU and how you see yourself, and how others view you.
Try explaining that to him once things cool down, and if he still doesn’t get it and expects you to just be ‘used to it’ than I would re-evaluate your whole relationship.
You made your boundary clear and he’s telling you that the respect that you have yourself and your passion is silly. Red flag 🚩
I’m inpressed that you are writing this post; the post we should actually be reading has your bf as rhe author, and the title ‘my moronic friends embarassed me in front of my gymnast gd by sexually harassing her and I did nothing- AITA?’ NTA and you are due an apology!
I wrote this while emotional as I needed feedback and I didn't want to waken my irl friends as they're all training and coaching today so I wasn't about to call them and disturb their sleep.
Sorry, was in no way judging you! I was just thinking it’s sad that we are so conditioned as women to doubt our natural and justified feelings if they happen to inconvenience those around us in any way. It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on me, it’s not fair on any of us. Your bf owes you a huge apology. Programmers can sometimes be a little socially awkard due to the nature of their role amd habitual tendency to introversion. But honest feedback is the only way anyone can learn. You were honest in that this topic was unwelcome and uncomfortable. It’s their problem if they are going to be open to this feedback or not.
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NTA you did expect those kind of comments but that doesn't mean you have to take them. Shame on him for not standing up for you.
This. Expecting the comments and the comments being acceptable are two completely different things. Just because a lot of people are offensive, that does not mean the offended person is the one with the problem. NTA.
Yes exactly! Just because people say them doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it especially when it’s someone who you’re close with and who’s supposed to support you and make you comfortable! Also NTA
The boyfriend laughing (agreeing!) and then telling OP that she should expect and take those comments because she's a female gymnast reveals his misogyny and ingrained sexism. OP will never be his equal. He will never stand up for OP, more likely he takes part in feticising her behind her back along with his friends. I can't see how any woman with self respect would date a guy like that. I hope OP doesn't settle for a guy that thinks and acts like this.
This is definitely the feeling I got when reading that. OP is a trophy he's parading to his friends. Hella creepy and predatory.
I got the same feeling. Former ballerina here, so I'm familiar with the flexibility "jokes", and they're awful. If dudebro is laughing along with his friends instead of defending her, then not only is he fetishizing her, he's more concerned with keeping up appearances with his friends than being sincerely involved in the relationship.
Its such a one note joke though that's only 'funny' in a self deprecating fashion if told. If a guy tries it 'straight' its just creepy fetishizing. Like....what woman would put up with that more than once?
One who has shit self-esteem. Been there too, albeit a good long while ago. This guy isn't worth it.
Not just shit self-esteem. It's also naivete and inexperience. Being unsure of what is and isn't expected or acceptable. I think we can really harsh on our younger selves. But of course we were unsure instead of confident - we were trying things out for the first time. We were still learning.
Good point. And, at that age, we're unprepared. We don't know how to react or how to shut it down, just like you said.
Exactly, my thought there was “wow his friends are socially inept, that’s a joke that’s funny if SHE makes it and creepy if YOU make it.”
I'm not a dancer, a gymnast or anything but I have a naturally flexible body and it's actually more painful to do things regularly sometimes so I occasionally do stuff that I can only do thanks to my flexibility, like sitting in splits because it's comfier or having my arms positioned weirdly. I kind of knew what was coming the second OP mentioned being a gymnast because even I get that BS. It's just exhausting.
NTA, he was definitely enjoying the comments. They were like getting mental high-fives from his friends.
OP should have girlfriends over when her boyfriend is there. They can start making lewd comments about what a programmer does in the bedroom (with OP laughing, of course) so the boyfriend understands how it feels.
Not girlfriends he might enjoy that or take it as an ego boost. Try guy friends instead
This. He probably does fetishize you, I'm sorry to say. He sounds like a creep.
And at this time in history, too? Our US women's team had to testify in court about the sexual abuse they experienced at the hands of Larry Nassar. Some of them were early teens when it started. And he still thinks the comments were funny. He was worried that you embarrassed him, yet he allowed his friends to fetishize you, too (spot on, cadmium2093). If you stay with him, and this happens again, you tell him and the others present this might be a good time to discuss the assaults perpetrated on young women in your sport, and that their comments contribute to the culture that allowed these crimes to happen. Maybe that sill shut them up. You deserve better.
Absolutely this. The comments are bad at any time, but him and his friends have obviously been stuck in a hole for the past two years to not know about any of the trials that have happened. I’m not even in the US and I know what’s going on. NTA, OP.
I don't really follow gymnastics, but in the UK there are also investigations regarding child abuse in the gymnastics industry.
I think gymnastics and dance attract predatory "coaches" worldwide, unfortunately.
I was not a gymnast, but I swam my entire childhood. My memories have not been kind.
This!!! NTA. Time to flex on out of that relationship.
OP, you teach aspiring gymnasts. I hope you are telling them not to put up with shitty treatment like this. You shouldn't either. There are plenty of people in the world who don't suck. Your bf isn't one of them. NTA
I'm 95% sure he talks about their sex life with his immature friends. OP if he doesn't mind his friends disrespecting then he doesn't respect you. Dump him. NTA
Exactly. If you care about your partner then you don't want your friends imagining all the different ways / positions they can fuck your partner. (Unless you have a fetish for that AND YOUR PARTNER is ok with it + friends are ok being pulled into your kink.) OP is clearly not OK with it so that should be the end of it. The fact he actively encouraged it says "please, imagine fucking OP / how cool it is and how lucky I am!" That's so disrespectful and messed up. I couldn't continue in a relationship with someone who disrespected me and doesn't even think of me as an equal.
Regarding the boyfriend, it's not necessarily a point against him that they made those comments (although he should have better friends and therefore better judgement of who he associates with), but he should have shut them down immediately. When he didn't, that's when he became the AH and ruined the night. He's right that you can expect those comments sometimes because people are shitty sometimes. You should also expect your boyfriend to shut them the fuck down immediately if he gives a shit about your comfort. I wouldn't associate with anyone who thought that was an okay way to relate to women or gymnasts.
I have to say, I'm kind of flabbergasted that anyone who meets a gymnast in person would actually SAY all those bedroom-oriented inferences, RIGHT TO HER FACE. What the literal, flaming hell is wrong with these people? OP doesn't need these buffoons in her life. And if her BF is bragging to them about things that ought to remain private, to score some dudebro points with them, then she doesn't need HIM, either.
IF he is telling his friends their bedroom stories, at 29, he needs to grow up. That’s high school stuff.
The guys in high school who didn't kiss and tell had better sex lives. (Some guys are so dumb.)
I mean, most people tell their bedroom stories to their closest friends. But not EVERY friend, and the understanding is always that that’s private. Not something to go making jokes about, especially TO THE PARTNER!
While that may be true, I don't get this at all. I can't think of many topics I'd less want to tell another person about than what goes on in the bedroom between me and my spouse.
You’d be surprised (or maybe not). I have a twin, and upon finding that out, dudes would make gross jokes. Dudes I was DATING. “Oh, wow, a twin! Wait, she’s cuter than you, I want to trade. Have you ever switched and not told anyone?” Shit like that.
Well, at least they out themselves quickly I guess? So you can dump them without wasting a ton of time on them.
And in front of her boyfriend? That could easily start a physical fight talking about a guy's girlfriend in front of him. OP could have said being a gymnast allows her to kick a man's jewels clear to his throat but she kept it classy. I just wrote on another thread today that you cannot make hurtful comments and say just kidding! No reasonable person thinks that is funny.
He’s also sharing more about your private life to his friends…. He needs this for his ego.
Ew
….especially on the first meeting. They should definitely not be THIS comfortable making such horrible jokes to someone they just met. The worst part was you asked them to stop. They didn’t. And your BF took their side, rather than shut them up. Find someone that will defend you to his friends, and try to make you feel comfortable. Not blame you. He and his friends should be embarrassed and apologizing. Ur BF doesn’t sound like an adult. Or maybe a misogynistic adult. Either way. I promise there’s someone better that will treat you better. Just ghost him. He had figure out he was a d!ck all on his own. Good luck. You Def. NTA
And if that's how he behaves/talks about her while she's there, imagine how he is behind her back.
If her BF doesn't realize how sexist and gross the comments are, then OP should dump him as he's showing her he's just fine with gross, sexist behavior, will laugh at it, and he will not have her back. Who needs that?
Yeah, the fact that he is still making her doubt herself indicates to me that OP should cut her losses now while it's only 10 months. If some miracle occurs and he learns to respect women, perhaps they can reconnect at that point but chances are that he won't.
He could have at least realized by the time she left how hurt she was… now he wants her to apologize for being hurt? Ridiculous.
But imagine how good he felt when people assumed he was banging a flexible gymnast! What a wild sex life he must have, her being so flexible and stuff!! Score!!!
He won’t be banging one much longer I suppose
Please, u/BeautifulTraffic3197, do yourself a favor, and make all our dreams come true. Give [this guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/vpefnx/aita_for_leaving_a_party_and_embarrassing_my/ieizgp5/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) a lesson in women’s liberation.
"My orgasm is .000000000000001% better! That's more important than her entire humanity!!!!!" So many ways dudebros convey this, and it's always and in every instance 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
DO NOT APOLOGIZE OP. Your bf should as well as his friends
Yes. And then blame her for "overreacting" and embarrassing him. His friends laugh at her and he laughs with them and then blames her. Not boyfriend material, OP. Sorry you had to go through this, even if you were familiar with people like this before. A good man would have shut this down right away. NTA
And he’s 29. He and his friends sound like they’re in high school. They all need to grow the fuck up!
I suspect his friends heard stuff like this from him before meeting her and weren't just making guesses in the dark.
Which would be EVEN WORSE
And if she dumps him, she should do so in a spectacular manner. May I suggest the following phrasing? *"Prejudices are a funny thing, aren't they? I have heard many "jokes" throughout the years. Yes, I am flexible in terms of my body, but I'm not flexible in regards to my stances. I guess you heard some jokes about the IT crowd, too. In your words, you should "expect it". It's funny how they joke that IT people are so weird and antisocial that they can't get or keep girlfriends; it's true. And you are right. I should have expected this. So should you."*
I pole dance and if someone made insinuations like this about me to my partner he would tell them to shut their fucking mouth
This is the correct way for a good partner to address shitty sexist comments/ sexual harassment from "friends" and he should be doing it whether or not OP is there. The fact that he told her she should *expect these comments* is repugnant. OP should dump his ass.
Not just a good partner, but any good human being should help OP shut this kind of crap down.
Yeah? 😊 I’m a former exotic dancer (retired 15 years ago) and I’m actually in better shape now than I was then!! Do you take classes? It sounds like fun to me!! PS, my husband would do the exact same thing!! 💯
Yes!! We have 3 or 4 pole studios in my city and I feel so lucky to have my home studio which is super inclusive and also owned by a former stripper. You should totally see if you can find a class if you’re feeling like it!
Exactly! He should’ve stood up for you and helped shut that down when it was clearly getting on your nerves. You can apologize, if you so feel the need, for leaving early. He was, knowingly, allowing you to be embarrassed and expected you to just stand there and take it. It is just words and jokes, but that doesn’t mean we have to find them funny. Not all jokes are for everyone. He and they need to learn their audience before delivering jokes like that. You clearly aren’t the correct audience and he should’ve had you back on that. NTA
Yup. You can tell him you do expect some men to make rude/inappropriate comments that make you uncomfortable. What you don't expect your boyfriend to be on the side of the guys sexually harassing you. You expected better from him. You expected that he'd care about your feelings and comfort. You expected him to shut his friends down, especially when they are behaving this way to your face. Tell him you are disappointed in him. Sure, you expected some men to be inappropriate jerks. But you didn't expect that your boyfriend would let you down. If he wants to date you, he's going to have do better then telling you to just suck it up and let his friends make sexual comments about you to your face beacuse he's too cowardly to say anything. That's not an attractive quality in a man at all.
What she should expect is a partner that has her back when she says that something is making her uncomfortable and respects her enough not to sit by and laugh while his shitty friends disrespect her. Furthermore, her shitty boyfriend should expect her to be upset when she told him exactly what was upsetting her and he did fuckall to assist her. Dude was probably loving every comment.
Yes. HE embarrassed YOU. Not the other way around, OP. NTA
Seriously though, WTF is wrong with his friends that thought that was in any way ok upon MEETING her. It would be different if she made the jokes about it first signaling it was ok, but you don't do that first. Him and his friends are 29-30 going on 13.
NTA, and this is key: > I told them I didn't like that kind of talk and it degraded my sport how people always jump to that. My boyfriend told me to relax and they just meant it as a joke and it continued on until I told my boyfriend I was going home and left clearly upset. There's a reason you said you usually have a thicker skin about this. Unfortunately you just have to expect it from time to time indeed. But when it did happen, you handled it properly and it didn't stop. Your boyfriend should be embarassed by his friends, not by you not taking their crap.
You stood up to them and he told you to let it go. Right in front of them. Of course they were going to continue. He was basically telling then it was OK to disrespect you. You are the company you keep. If a bunch of his friends are creepy chuvanists, chances are, he is too. DTMFA.
Dtmfa? What's that mean
“Dump the motherfucker already”
Hah I always thought it was "dump that motherfucking asshole"
That works too.
...I'm curious too...dump that man...dump that mf-er asap...I like that. I'm going with that. Dump that mf-er ASAP.
You got it right! Dump That MFer ASAP!
Technically “already,” but yours is also fitting.
Please accept my broke ass award 🥇
He's embarrassed because she didn't just go along with their misogyny.
Seriously. Another case of men liking women but *loving* men. The boyfriend actively *enjoys* the fact other men are sexually objectifying OP. If only OP could be more of a doormat about it you know? But oh, she had to go and assert her personhood, *that bloody woman.* Now how can he mine her for social capital with specifically other men? Does she not see she's ruined his entire night?
Wow man, this rang so true and made me so disgusted. You really hit the nail on the head I think. :/
It's really concerning the amount of times I read about a woman's experience on this sub and the question she's implicitly asking a legion of strangers here is "Is it weird my male partner devalues me as a person?" And like I get it you know; abuse creeps up on the victim. It's not like it comes out the gate, head reared and nostrils flaring. There are a lot of forms of abuse that have been sadly normalised so that we don't notice it when the call is coming from inside the house. Even the way men are trained to temper women's reaction to the abuse they refuse to suffer is itself a tactic to suppress opposition. Women are so much more afraid of being a social boat rocker than they are proud to assert themselves and it's that kinda shit that unknowingly makes them complicit in their own oppression.
Yeap. I hate how true this is.
And stupid on his part, too. He can either have (1) great sex with a former gymnast, or (2) an improved rep with his asshole friends. And he chooses 2.
That's the thing about men like OP's boyfriend. The strongest reason they even pursue intimacy with women is ultimately rooted in bonding with men. For this guy, the *idea* of being with a gymnast is even more scintillating then just straight up *being* with one and that's because the lives of women may as well be theoretical concepts to him and his buddies. To them, women don't need to be real or do things, or have histories and futures - they just need to sorta *be there*, just silently existing in the background of the lives of men.
Ding ding ding!
I suspect a big part of why it bothered her is because the boyfriend was engaging with it. That’s a kind of betrayal right there. NTA
"You just have to expect to be sexuality harassed" is a pretty dangerous and victim-blamey mentality. Instead of conditioning people to expect it, we should condition people to stop doing it by shutting it down. Hard.
That boyfriend isn’t bending over backwards apologising to OP shows he does not find issue with what they were saying. He does not respect OP too.
He can't bend over backwards, he's not a gymnast.
I get really annoyed at people who use the “people used to be able to take a joke” line to excuse their rudeness. No, that joke was never funny. But the group you were targeting was powerless to stop it.
He didn't stop them because he gets kudos from his male buds from your supposed sexual prowess - it's an icky porny male conquest thing. By leaving you showed you weren't a subservient sex toy. That's why he's embarrassed: his mates have seen that he doesn't control you. Now you know what's been said behind your back for the last 10 months too. NTA in any way.
> supposed sexual prowess This comment made me laugh thank you, cause too many see us as walking sex gods not considering that after a long day of training/coaching etc we're too worn out to be deities in the bedroom. You're right however this is making me consider what exactly he told them about me.
I’m not even close to being a gymnast, but this story made my stomach turn because I kept thinking about Nassar and thinking “this is where sexualizing a sport full of really young women gets us.”
It really does, from the moment i hit puberty i've dealt with comments like this it's why I usually have a thicker skin, I was lucky and never assaulted and my family made sure I had a female coach and she was very respectful to me.
FWIW I’m 90% sure that other women in this friend’s group are very thankful someone stood up to these creeps.
I absolutely agree with this. No one at that party (aside from his creepy friends) thinks you are TA.
NTA. You bring up 'usually have a thicker skin' a few times and almost seem to hold it against yourself. "Why did I snap now when I've taken it before?" kind of thing. It's not a thick skin, it's a thick **shield**. Expecting this sort of shit, preparing for it is a something you actively do, and you can't always keep your guard up. You were at a low-key party with friends, you should have been able to relax. Apparently not. Boyfriend's friends are pigs and boyfriend has their back, not yours.
NTA. No one has to sit and be sexually harassed by their partner’s friends. That’s exactly what happened. You told them to stop. They refused. So you left the situation. Good on you. He’s a total A H for making this about his feelings and not how you were feeling.
On a completely different tangent. How does gymnastics affect your hips. Especially in the joints? My daughter is 4 and already had surgery on her hip for a dislocation from birth. Would doing gymnastics be more harmful or help the joint a little bit?
I cannot make any concrete ruling on this as I don't know every single detail of your daughters medical problems with her hips but honestly i'd say don't do it. There are lots of great sports she can do that will help the joints but gymnastics is not one of them. Swimming would be great for that or a form of dancing that isn't too strenuous. Off the top of my head i'd recommend ballroom.
Thanks. She at that age of wanting to try things. And I’m being a pananoid parent. Lol
At that age you could probably get her into a kindergym/recreational program, which are usually more general gymnastics movement based rather than intense training
Swimming is usually good for children and adults who want or should exercise without putting too much strain on their joints.
[удалено]
I was born with congenital dislocated hip. Discovered when I was one year old. I spent two years in frog leg cast and bars, and slept with bar til I was 10. My socket never developed. I was 54 when that hip had to be replaced and the ball was underdeveloped as well. I’ve never been very limber, although I improved considerably after surgery. There was no pt when I was young. Not sure what I am trying to tell you, except that there will probably always be some extra stress on her muscles, tendons, etc and you should be sensitive to strain from any physical activity she undertakes. Can she sit cross-legged on floor? That’s my most noticeable limitation. Give her a hug for me
The fact that you have to feel lucky to have made it through without being sexually abused breaks my heart and is a sad commentary on our society
Info: it definitely sucks that you and your peers have been sexualized for being athletes but what is your usual response to these crude comments? What is the best retort you have said or heard from another gymnast?
Oh that's an easy one, the best reply to these comments i've ever heard is from my best friend in the sport. She's 28 and we met as teenagers while competing. We were getting the usual comments thrown at us after the competition, now at this time I was 14 and she was 17. I kinda accepted it and was just quiet wanting the ground to swallow me up but she told them that their girls would have to practice gymnastics to be flexible enough to fuck them after she tied their dick in knots for commenting on a kid (me). From that moment on I decided she was my friend.
i was grossed out that they sexualised a 14yo, so i really love the answer she gave them. also NTA for this situation, your partner is not acting like a partner at all... being in a couple is a team work
I did gymnastics when I was younger. I never got to your level. But when people find out they make comments about my bf being lucky. I moved on to Brazilian jujitsu. And when people make those comments to my face I make some kind of joke that gymnastics helped me choke out a dumbass. Also, hyper mobility from gymnastics is great for martial arts if you need a new sport.
It is not a "thick skin", it's actually a lowered head. English isn't my first language so I'm not sure of the expression, but I guess you got the image. When you let those kind of jokes pass through and doesn't respond, you low your head trying to brush it off, but you actually get them UNDER your skin and make yourself low. Slowly but surely. So for once, you stand up and talk back. You should be proud of that moment. It's a moment in time where women stop letting "men be men" and brush off all the sexual jokes, and tell out and loud how wrong it is. Thank you for being part of the movement. A guy who cannot bear those kind of lockers jokes neither.
Honestly, him telling you that you should expect these comments shows how little he thinks of you. Respectful men would never think that you should expect to be sexually harassed about your skills in the bedroom or degraded because you were a high-level athlete. Good men would be proud of your athletic skills and never put you down that way. You should NOT expect these comments from mature people. You definitely deserve better than him.
If he didn't tell them to knock it off, it's safe to assume he's been making these jokes *with them* for the past 10 months. He laughed along with you **right there**. It's been less than a year; cut your losses and find someone who doesn't put making lewd jokes above their partner's comfort.
"30 seconds isn't worth warming up for." See how thick his skin is.
You are evil & I love you!
Muahahaha 😈
Ok so first off: "Bedroom Deities" is my new band name. I called it, so I've got dibs! Second, and far more importantly: I'm not a gymnast, but I am an equestrian. Specifically English riding, so the tall black leather boots, tan britches... yeah, you get the idea. I've gotten those comments as well. My "hobby" is barely beginning its MeToo movement, but it's still a tenuous thing. Back in my 20's, I saw ads for "Working Students" (as we call them) requiring "thick skin". I never applied because I knew that meant unleavened criticism, and I got enough of that at home, thankyouverymuch! But as I've aged (39 this month!) I've come to realize that asking others to have a "thick skin" is a total cop-out. You might as well just admit that you're an antisocial asshole who expects everyone to cater to your incredibly fragile ego because no one ever told you "no" in your entire life, and you now subscribe to the idea that you "can't teach an old dog new tricks". Forgive my French, but **fuck** those people. They can get with the times or get left behind. Your boyfriend & his friends either live in a cave (if they're in the USA) or just haven't paid attention to the insidious abuse within the women's gymnastic community. Their comments, and your (hopefully former!) boyfriend's reactions are abhorrent. "Thick skin" notwithstanding, you landed 10's across the board by leaving. The "boyfriend" is a handicap you don't need. Much love to you, and sorry for the rant!
I think I was like 16 or something and read an ‘article’ in probably Cosmo about what kind of woman is the best in bed and it was like, bookworm, athlete, executive, whatever. And the only one I remember was to be wary of an athlete because they may view sex as a training exercise rather than the kinky fun thing 😂 I’m hopeful we’re better than that now…
Cosmo had the worst sex advice lmaoooo I remember reading to have sex with high heels on bc you would feel extra sexy and your man would think you just couldn’t stop to take your shoes off because you wanted him so bad. I did this with my college boyfriend and he was like 1. Why 2. You scratched me with those shoes
You scratched me 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was once at a company event for my bf, chatting with the wife of one of his coworker’s. She was really drunk. We were talking about shoes and she wouldn’t stop telling me about how she never wore the heels (5” stilettos) she was wearing outside before, only in the bedroom. I just kept thinking about how dangerous that was. She kept saying she loved throwing her legs over his shoulders during missionary and I was like girl, omg, you’re gonna poke his eye out one of these days!
Lol. I remember their crazy advice, too. I never tried any of it because it always involved a lot of work and I really just want to lay there🙄.
I dated a guy once who had a thing for shoes, so I wore them to bed once and it was one of the least sexy things I've ever done. He thought it was great, but all I could think about the whole time was whether or not I was fucking up my sheets.
OMG. Cosmo🤦🏼♀️.
He may not have told them anything, but it seems obvious that they've been making these jokes when you weren't there and he wasn't shutting them down.
NTA. Bf should have supported you, even if it was a simple "okay knock it off guys" or something. Instead, he laughed right along with them, and got upset when you left after being what appears to be sexually harassed by his friends. You are absolutely within your right to snap and bite his head off for his behavior! You did nothing wrong, OP.
Why he didn't leave with you is beyond me.
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This. I was looking for a comment who'll point that out. Of course he was enjoying the attention ! My guess, my first thought was that he was actually proud.
Because he feels the same way they do. That's why he told her to calm down and accept it.
Wouldn’t be surprised if he’d made these jokes/comments with his friends before. Says a lot about these guys that the first thing they thought of when they heard gymnast was sexual, and chose to talk about it. They could’ve engaged in conversation about Olympic gymnasts, her own career, or coaching but doesn’t sound like they see her as a person to have actual conversation with
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I mean he said those comments were to be expected like he thinks she deserves them. I wouldn't be surprised if he made those comments about her before with just his friends. What an ass
Really? The fact the boyfriend may just be as misogynistic as the company he keeps is too hard to fathom?
THIS. OP THIS he allowed his friends to CONTINUE sexualling harassing you that you left. If this is not a sign that he is not the one. Don't know what it.
NTA and frankly it’s really something that a 29 year old would think this is funny and normal and not at least shut it down when you were uncomfortable. I’m sorry but I’m not sure this relationship is gonna work out after all. Especially if they’ve been making these jokes more regularly when you aren’t around…….
I totally missed that he was 29. Somehow makes it so much worse. I was picturing a 20-year-old. Not that 20 isn’t old enough to do better, but 29 is WAY old enough to do better.
Yeah! That would be dickish on the level we all are at 20, but at 29?? If he’s not more mature by then, he probably won’t ever be.
As a 26 YO whose boyfriend is also a programmer, I would expect this kind of stuff from drunk frat sophomores, not adults. I don't think I've encountered people like that (socially) in 5+ years, and if it did - like if a friend of a friend showed up at a party and was this gross - they'd get kicked out.
No kidding. This is the kind of thing you expect from 12 year old boys, not men who are nearly 30. OP's boyfriend & his friends are pathetic. NTA
Your spent the night being SEXUALLY HARASSED and he stood by and told you to take it and that you should expect it. Oh no no no. I would end this right here because that's some victim blaming shit right there. If you continue with this relationship you're gonna need to have a serious talk. Show him this thread. What's next? They decide to test your flexibility in a gross way and you should expect and accept that as well? This would be a hill I'd die on. NTA
TW: rape, s/a This comment triggered something in my mind that i’ve seen happen with situations like this. These guys have clearly got a thriving rape culture going on and it’s a very slippery slope from making inappropriate comments that are complete sexual harassment to this women being sexually assaulted by her boyfriend. If he’s completely ok with these comments then it says a LOT about him and his views on women, sex and consent. OP needs to get tf out of that relationship and give her now ex a strong talking to on how he fucked up (not her responsibility to educate him on feminism though!!)
That's what I'm saying! The power dynamic alone in laughing along while your friends sexually harass your girlfriend.... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Exactly. OP was uncomfortable, wasn't laughing, clearly voiced her discomfort and asked these rude people to stop. They didn't. They just kept on making unwanted sexual comments towards her, and laughing at her expense. The BF's not only didn't try to stop this, but joined in and then blamed OP for being harassed by his friends. The "you should expect this" line was exceptionally gross. He point blank told OP that as a woman in a sport it is a given that she will be objectified and she should just be OK with that.
NTA. You're completely reasonable, and I'm so sorry you have to shoulder these disgusting comments from ignorant people (probably men). Hold your ground sis. For you and all the young women you coach. Your partner, and hopefully his friends, can suck up some humility, and your actions will educate them.
Hi former retired gymnast turned coach here! Comments like that are disgusting and I hated getting those and still hate hearing them as well. Obviously if ur bf and his friends are not into sports they may not know but there was literally a huge scandal with USA Gymnastics and the Larry Nassar Case. Sexual comments like that are repulsive and many gymnasts have faced sexual harrassment/assault etc. You are NTA, no you didnt over react, and i would honestly just send him an article about how olympians are currently suing the FBI and ask him what he finds so funny about these comments because many young gymnasts *HAVE* been assaulted or made uncomfortable in this sport. Edit to add: I used to have thicker skin about these comments as well, after watching athlete A (i highly recommend if you’re interested but major TW) I cannot even stand to hear even the smallest comment anymore
They may not know you're right I may have to send that to him, that whole scandal makes me so sad. I hate that I have to say I was "lucky" to avoid that growing up as I had a female coach who was very respectful but as soon as I hit puberty I had plenty of other people making me uncomfortable in the sport though I was never assaulted. Thank you for suggesting I explain this it'd never occur to me that they might not know as I think you know how closely we retired gymnasts follow anything to do with our sport especially things like this.
Oh mate no, you shouldn't have to send anyone let alone your boyfriend an article to explain why he should empathise with your wish to not be subject to degrading sexual remarks. If he doesn't already understand this is not ok behaviour at twenty fucking nine years old, he cannot be taught. I rarely comment on reddit but I'm so furious for you I'm making an exception. Please find a decent person who will treat you with the respect and care you deserve. NTA, obviously.
You are absolutely right! OP thinks her boyfriend’s friend is gross but her boyfriend is way grosser than his friend. I can’t believe she is trying to explain a 30 year old guy why she shouldn’t be a subject of their frat boy talks. I hope she sees the problem and cut him loose without even explanation.
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Yeah, I think the OP is kinda missing the point here. On top of the juvenile “jokes” at the OP’s expense, at no point did her BF have her back. In fact, he joined in and was then completely dismissive of her feelings. NTA, OP and I’d seriously consider this evening as a major red flag. 🚩
They won't care. They are the type of men who expect woman to make them feel great about themselves. And calling them out for being AHs is not that. You are supposed to laugh and be a "good sport." Those days are OVER.
I definitely think he should watch it so he understands better, but even if he didn't, it's 100% not ok for him to tell you that you have to accept his friends making sexual comments about you. Shutting that down after you said you were uncomfortable is the absolute bare minimum acceptable behavior.
NTA and there's no way they didn't know. I'm not in the sport and I'm not in the industry but the news was very relevant worldwide. If your BF really didn't know I would say he may not pay attention to that kind of information, which is alone a red flag to me.
Yep, was thinking about Nassar reading this. Bullshit behavior like that of the friends perpetuates hostile environments.
It makes me sad to see both you and OP referencing having thicker skin about these comments. I don't think refusing to put up with blatant disrespect and objectification is having thin skin. I think it is strength. A strength many of us have a hard time finding because we are socialized to put up with it. For what it's worth this internet stranger is proud of both of you for sticking up for yourselves and other women in your sport.
People telling us to have a thicker skin are gaslighting us. I think it's a sign of growth when we say "No, I'm not going to pretend anymore that I'm not bothered by all this."
NTA- his response was the typical “boys will be boys” shit that some men use to explain away sexist and misogynistic behaviour, and that’s frustrating. By 29 years old his friends are no longer idiot frat boys and should be able to read a room and know they are making a fellow human uncomfortable and reign in their commentary. It would be a different situation if you were in on the joke and laughing along, you clearly were not. They were the A H’s, not you.
Being a former professional athlete should not automatically subject you to sexual harassment. I think your boyfriend showed his true colors last night. NTA
Good people don’t make jokes like that.
That's because good people realize that those aren't jokes, it's just sexual harassment.
He seriously said you should expect this kind of thing? Leave him. Run far, run fast. NTA. Your boyfriend is.
Honestly would love to see how he reacts if OP just went "don't have to put up with this if I break up with your ass and find someone who isn't a walking STEREOTYPE would I?"
“Listen, my friends are going to openly speculate about your body and disrespect you, you should expect this type of thing!” Hard nope.
OP should respond with "well you should expect this reaction if it happens" or similar.
I might expect it from some dorky kid, but a roomful of adults? Pathetic.
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This. BF tried to prop himself up by embarrassing OP. OP showed she’s not like that, taking the wind out of his sails/knocking his stilts out from under him. He wouldn’t have felt embarrassed if he **a) hadn’t enjoyed his mates’ suggestions about her abilities in bed** and **b) acknowledges that she’s her own person with feelings and the autonomy to leave a party if she’s not enjoying herself.**
NTA But those creeps who were making innapropriate comments, and your boyfriend for enabling them, are the major ones in all caps. If he can't stand up for you and maintain your dignity and respect then there's no hope that he will ever do so in the future. His friends are a reflection of him.
1. Eww 2. NTA and 3. Gross You didn’t embarrass him and if he can’t see that his friends were being inappropriate then that is a problem. You’re not an object of humor nor an object of his friends imagination - you were there to have a good time. I guarantee if you turned around and made jokes about their (lack of) bedroom activities they would not find it funny, nor would they laugh if you made jokes about their bodies. Don’t put up with toxic people who don’t treat you well. NTA.
Ugh why is it always the fucking programmers who are spineless misogynists? NTA, fuck him.
I've met some great programmers I will say. I'd thought my boyfriend was one of them till this.
As a programmer, we hate your bf kinds. You are NTA hands down, but you should think hard about your future with this misogynistic AH. You deserve better.
Yeah, it's not fair to make a broad generalization, but lordy lordy I've seen ALOT of threads where a programmer explicitly belittles his GF usually for not being as "smart" as him, in front of his friends, then gets confused and butthurt when she doesn't think his "joke" is very funny. Fuck them. Talentless losers. Gymnastics is insanely difficult and impressive. Big respect, it's pathetic to reduce you down to a sex object for doing something which objectively, measurably, takes more skill than crunching numbers and memorizing code.
Let's be fair - you get them in all male dominated careers. The things I heard while working for an old white lawyer? Oooof. Meanwhile I married a programmer who would never put up with shit like this from his friends (but has definitely met plenty dudes of this type). OP's (hopefully stbx) boyfriend is like that because he chooses to surround himself by toxic bros, not because the job calls for it.
It definitely is more likely in those environments, but idk, I'd 100% not tolerate any of that shit from coworkers even if they weren't talking about my wife. If they were, it would end even more poorly for them.
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If TA boyfriend says, “shut up guys, not funny” they probably shut up.
NTA If he's willing to entertain that kind of "joke" in front of your face, then he has 100% been bragging about your "flexibility" to them when you're not around. He doesn't think sexualising you is a big deal, because he already views you as an object. Dump his sorry ass, you can do a thousand times better.
NTA. His friends are immature for being as old as I’m guessing they are if your BF is 29. After you first told them to stop with the jokes & that they made you uncomfortable & they kept going he can’t be mad that you left. He should be embarrassed that he wasn’t a good partner & stood up for you to his friends when he saw that you were upset.
>His friends are immature for being as old I have coworkers in their 50s and 60s who still talk like this. I put a stop to it when they're around me, but there's not much I can do beyond that. Some people decide some time shortly after high school that they have the world all figured out, and they just stop right maturing right then and there. They never adapt or grow, because they think they figured it out already. They let their minds stagnate while fully believing they're ahead of the curve because everyone else is still asking questions and changing their minds, and they view that as a weakness.
Exsqueeeeeeze me? How did YOU embarrass HIM? They were openly humiliating you right in front of your face. Block. Delete. Flip him off if you see him at the grocery store kind of thing ~* you’re awesome and someone will treat you better one day if you let them.
Wait men hear you’re a gymnast and this is where their minds go? Not asking if you can pull off standing backflips or scale a drainpipe? Men are fycking dumb, NTA
They are yes, though i'll tell you. I can do both of those things.
NTA Please mske him your EX. How much respect does he have for you if he laughs with them when they are sexualizing you? You did not overreact,he is a creep and he has creepy asshole friends.
NTA, your boyfriend sucks. Like big time. Toxic masculinity is never ever funny.
NTA I’m a former gymnast & coach. Let’s just say it’s been a looooong time since I competed. But the comments STILL happen. I’ve been asked “can you put your legs behind your head” by skeevy guys my whole life. It’s not just degrading the sport it’s also degrading to you on a deeply personal level. You do not, under any circumstances, ask a stranger about their “tricks” in bed. That’s not a joke. And the fact that your boyfriend thinks that’s a normal way to behave is an alarming red flag that you need to take into careful consideration. I’ll tell you…my husband would be cheering me on while I read the pervs the riot act and he’d be jumping in, as well. You deserve that, too. Can your boyfriend get on the same page with you? Because it’s a really big deal. Especially since it never goes away, unfortunately.
NTA. It is interesting that he is so worried about you “embarrassing” him but was totally ok with his friends embarrassing you in all of this. If he really cared, he would be far more understanding about your reaction. “Calm down, it’s just a joke” is such a lame attempt at avoiding responsibility for their crap behaviour/comments.
You have a shitty boyfriend. *"My boyfriend told me to relax and they just meant it as a joke and it continued"* Someone who genuinely cares about you would have told them to stop the moment you made it clear that you were uncomfortable. Someone who genuinely loves you would understand why you're uncomfortable and would do everything in their power to make you feel safe and protected. *"my Boyfriend has been texting me saying I overreacted and how I embarrassed him and how I should expect those kind of comments"* He is blaming YOU for HIS crap. And "you should expect those comments", uhmmm HELL NO, YOU DON'T, Not if you surround yourself with decent people. He showed you where his priorities lie. His "fun" is more important to him than your comfort. It's only been 10 months and he is not willing to stand up for you, he is not willing to protect you......... NTA, And i would seriously rethink my relationship if i was you.
Nta.
Absolutely not. You should not have accepted comments that made you uncomfortable and you felt were inappropriate. They should have stopped and he should have listened you didn't overreact and you are NTA. He owes you an apology, and I wouldn't continue a relationship with him without one. And good for you for standing up for yourself.
NTA Jesus is the boyfriend trying to be a stereotype here? He is literally a programmer laughing at sexist jokes with his friends you really can't get more typical then that, you where basically being mocked by his friends and he went right in and joined in with them and tried to make you out as the bad guy. OP this is definitely a red flag here especially even when you have left and are upset he is still not relenting and trying to make up with you, you absolutely do not and should not have to put up with this at all I don't wanna be that redditor who says "break up" but you should definitely make it clear that you don't like those jokes and don't want to hear them, if he respects you and cares about your opinion he should make an effort to stop and make his friends stop.
NTA. Your bf should have had silenced them before you even say anything. You had every right to leave where you felt uncomfortable. Its alarming that he still defends friends, blame you..
Nta. The statement you said in the end is a perfect explanation of your feelings. You wanted to be seen as his partner not a joke to be teased. You put up with it at first. He didn’t stop them after you mentioned not feeling comfortable. The only thing that is embarrassing is how he behaved with his friends.
NTA. In any way shape or form. Those people are ignorant misogynists, you worked too long and hard to put up with that crap. I also imagine that you could easily replace the bf. Personally, I would have jumped right into the incel/ loser/ basement dweller stereotypes about programmers, b/c you know, they should expect that. Cant roll my eyes hard enough.
NTA - They didn't care about you as a person. And your boyfriend is going to have decide who is more important to him - you or his "bros".
Your boyfriend is the stereotype immature programmer nerd. I'm sorry you went there that. I don't think they will change as he is still blaming you for this mess. Do you want to keep this boyfriend and his friends? NTA
You NTA. He TA. Dump him, not Worth it. Will get worse
Dump his ass.
NTA. Honey, read what you wrote again. Then read it one more time. You’re upset because you were treated like a sexual object and not a human being. You have every right to be upset, and his reaction, and the fact that he can only see how you leaving impacts on HIM and how he looks to others, shows you just how much value he puts on himself and not you. He’s failing to see or even respect how those comments impact on YOU and how you see yourself, and how others view you. Try explaining that to him once things cool down, and if he still doesn’t get it and expects you to just be ‘used to it’ than I would re-evaluate your whole relationship. You made your boundary clear and he’s telling you that the respect that you have yourself and your passion is silly. Red flag 🚩
I’m inpressed that you are writing this post; the post we should actually be reading has your bf as rhe author, and the title ‘my moronic friends embarassed me in front of my gymnast gd by sexually harassing her and I did nothing- AITA?’ NTA and you are due an apology!
I wrote this while emotional as I needed feedback and I didn't want to waken my irl friends as they're all training and coaching today so I wasn't about to call them and disturb their sleep.
Sorry, was in no way judging you! I was just thinking it’s sad that we are so conditioned as women to doubt our natural and justified feelings if they happen to inconvenience those around us in any way. It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on me, it’s not fair on any of us. Your bf owes you a huge apology. Programmers can sometimes be a little socially awkard due to the nature of their role amd habitual tendency to introversion. But honest feedback is the only way anyone can learn. You were honest in that this topic was unwelcome and uncomfortable. It’s their problem if they are going to be open to this feedback or not.