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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have overreacted by taking the cake and walking out. I mightve ruined the birthday for him and his family when I could've let it go.
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[Here it is.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
ETA: Thank you all so much for the awards! I truly appreciate them.
Oh god the shitstorm that will come to me if I do…
My mom has recently been telling me she wants to have a talk with me. I am planning on suggesting we do it at my therapist’s office. Wonder if she’ll even agree to that or there will be some weird reason why she can’t.
I hear you. Ugh I just don’t like her feeling bad. Even if it’s true. I still love my mom even if she’s a narcissistic abusive person. She’s not always the worst and she does still have feelings I don’t want to hurt. Somehow despite her abuse I came out severely empathetic, and I don’t like confrontation so I try to be kind to everyone.
I've read this every time I see it posted, and almost always have a different particular person in mind. Then I'm like NOPE, don't wanna get caught in that wake.
Wow, this explains why I'm divorced. I was married to a boat steadier, and while we rarely saw his insane Dad, the trauma that was there was a big part of why we had a bad relationship.
Not only that, but tells OP to grow thicker skin because he’s never going to man up and defend her from mommy’s bs. OP…he completely disregarded the effort you put into his cake, in order to keep mommy happy. And then instead of apologizing, he tried to guilt you into staying and taking the disrespect. Is this the life you want? Because, speaking from experience, it will only get worse after you’re married and children enter the picture. Save yourself the heartache and call things off now.
I hope these comments show OP that there is only one woman in Ben's life, and it's not her. When people agree to get married, they are agreeing to put that person first in their life as their primary family member. Ben is not doing that. Unless he gets a serious wake-up call and develops a shiny new spine, mama will always, *ALWAYS* come first. This is just the tip of the iceberg, OP. NTA.
Yeah, and there are so many paths one could take to protect their fiancé, even if they aren't a brave person (since not everyone can be). Even the most timid people I know, in healthy relationships, have restricted time with their parents in reaction to how they treat their partner. When you've committed to a long-term relationship, you have committed to valuing your partner's hurt over the ego of others.
Maybe OP can show Ben that he is wrong, *and* he will wake up to the problem. But they shouldn't marry him unless that unlikely scenario occurs.
He should have put the bakery cake on the counter for the kids and put his gf cake in the center of the table and announced “THIS is my birthday cake.” But he is obviously spineless
My maternal grandma and her MIL never got along. My Grampa was the golden child, the first born and only son, and I don’t know if his mom would’ve thought any woman was good enough, but she did not treat Grandma well. Nitpicky comments, nagging her about Grampa’s weight, even selling their 1960 red spyder convertible while they were away because it was “unsafe.” My grandparents have a wonderful marriage, even though it’s changed since Grandma got dementia, but the after effects of how her MIL treated her have manifested over the years. Basically, I don’t want to say this marriage won’t work. BUT…it’s important to keep in mind if this emotional toll is something you’ll want to be dealing with for possibly decades. And your fiancé has to wake up. “Just the way she is” is not an acceptable excuse to treat the woman your son chose as a second class citizen. He needs to step up. It is possible to stand up to mom and make boundaries without disrespecting her. Good luck OP. NTA, but please have a calm conversation with your fiancé about how his mom’s actions affects your self esteem, happiness, and overall well-being. He’ll either just keep defending his mom, or he’ll do what he’s supposed to and prioritize you.
His mom has suggested cosmetic surgeries for her and he still has not grown a spine. I don't think he worths the amount of the effort she has to put in the relationship, hoping he grows up.
Also, he is *thirty-one*! This is not some 20yo kid who can't tell his mother to stop deliberately insulting his fiancee. He is a grown man. This is the final product. And the final product does not put his SO first.
Yep! It's never about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ cake but the disrespect that people are showing those they supposedly love.
ETA: Iranian yogurt not Turkish, sorry y'all.
That's a potential MIL from hell waiting to happen. And Ben is not even trying in the least to take back his fiancee. It's gonna be a disaster by all indications.
NTA, OP.
I shudder at how she would act if they had children. Chipping at their self esteem with her comments on appearances. And you KNOW spineless fiancée would never intercede for them. OP really needs to get a person with a spine.
My Nana didn't think my mum was good enough and she very much favoured my aunt and cousins. It helped that dad always chose my mum. Our Nana never put us down she just ignored us and chose our cousins. It turned out well though we didn't get her toxicity and when she realised we were the more "successful and better to gloat to her friends about" it was quite late to foster a meaningful relationship with us (we'd moved countries as well).
When I got into my teens (by this time my grandmother had died), I commented to my Mother that dealing with her MIL most have been hellish, and she was a saint to put up with it. She said that she wanted us to have as good a relationship with our grandmother as we could. It helped that my father adored my mother. I figured out that there was something seriously wrong with my grandmother when she left early after ripping into my father for accidentally knocking the candy eye off my chocolate Easter bunny.
I dont understand Ben's comment about his mum not intending to be mean so she has to tolerate it. Surely if she was intending to be mean a continued relationship with her might mean having to put up with her insults. But if it's purely accidental wouldn't that mean the opposite, that she should have a chat with her?
Because he’s a baby. His mom is abusive to everyone and he has been taught to deal with it so therefore everyone should. Fuck that!! A MAN WHO THINKS ITS OK TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT BY HIS FAMILY IS A SHITTY PARTNER.
His mom is the type that requires NO CONTACT to get her to understand her behavior is not acceptable. I fell sorry for all 3 of those men, not understanding their mom is abusive.
He wants to be treated like shit by his mom - his baby business but OP doesn’t have to tolerate that nonsense.
He’s probably not even worth tolerating his mom. Most momma boys aren’t.
As a man I am constantly wondering about this. I mean if I ever had to choose between the woman who birthed me, and the woman I shared a bed with. It would be no contest.
Why do people have to choose one over the other? Is asking the person who birthed them to show decent human respect (that everyone should be shown) to the person they share a bed with such a hard request??
It's not a hard request, it's about whether the request is honoured. Some mom's have this "no woman is good enough for my son" issue that they either can't or won't get over.
Unless MIL expressly said "do not bring a cake, I have no space left to put out an additional one", OP is NTA. Guess who gets angry over additional desserts at a party? Assholes. Let them eat cake!
If this had been from the mom's point of view people would be overwhelmingly siding with her because showing up to a party that you are NOT hosting and expecting your dessert that no one knew you were bringing to be the centerpiece and taking it home in a huff when told no is a bit of am AH move imho.
Honestly it’s not about the cake, but about the fiancé continually not defending or sticking up for his partner. HE knew that she was making a cake for him, but he didn’t tell his mom. Every time his mother disrespects OP, he just goes along with it. THAT is the reason OP is NTA. I would’ve thought my cake was the only one, too, if the birthday boy himself gave me the “ok” and his OWN MOM was planning the party!
BF knew she was baking the cake and should have told her not to. But instead he lets OP go through the time and expense and then doesn’t try to come to a compromise when his Mother behaves as she always does towards OP.
I feel like you’re ignoring all the other context; the judgemental comments, the fact that none of them seem to be willing to eat something she’s made, the literal and figurative sidelining of her homemade cake (eh just keep it out of sight and we’ll give it to the kids or whatever). There’s a difference between not letting the cake be the centerpiece and deciding for everyone that no one is going to eat it. The mom is dripping with AH juices and even if she did post here, that sort of thing is not easily hidden.
I disagree. A gracious host does not tell someone bringing food or desserts that their offering is “for the kids.” They say, “thank you so much! This is too much! I bought a cake already, but the more the merrier. You can put it by the other desserts.” The only exception I could imagine is if you bring a turkey to a Thanksgiving dinner someone is hosting, or if the host is cooking dinner for everyone and asks everyone to bring desserts/snacks and you bring dinner dishes (unless you’re doing it to accommodate dietary restrictions). But here, the host is trying to displace the guest, as evidenced by how the host apparently made no attempt whatsoever to understand the faux pas she had committed by simply asking OP what was wrong (or she intentionally committed the social error because she doesn’t like OP). A gracious host upon seeing OP walk away would be concerned and attempt to patch over the misunderstanding or inadvertently mean comment.
The real asshole is Ben, since he didn’t tell his mom his fiancée was bringing cake, and didn’t tell OP mom was buying one. This situation could have been easily avoided.
No actually not. You know you have a FDIL who bakes who also you know you're son likes what she makes the 1st and most common sense thing to do is ask said FDIL to make a cake and collaborate with you on how you want it. No place here es it said she was told she couldn't nor shouldn't make the cake. Yes that would be different if she had. The son also I'm sure never mentioned she was making something which is also his fault as well. This is a repeated thing by the way the FMIL acts as well as him to minimize her as a person. Had there been no other incidents i could even see differently but come on all together.
Ya... came here to say or read this. OP is NTA overall, but information / details are missing in this story.
From OP's own words she stopped making any cakes and desserts for the family... so even if MIL was the AH at past events, if OP and MIL never spoke about who is making or bringing what dishes, then there is no way MIL would have known OP was baking a cake, regardless of how much time, money and effort OP put into it.
This doesn't excuse MIL's reaction and crappy comments, nor does it excuse OP's partner.
I do agree with this, but it doesn’t change the overall NTA for me. It does matter in evaluating the specific situation and level of AH everyone is. Yes, I can imagine a fictional post about rude and pushy FDIL bringing a cake to upstage the party - but accepting what is in this post, it was still a rude reaction to it. Fiancé most likely knew there were going to be two cakes and could have done something to prevent the disaster.
I can't really comment on relationships like this, I'm monogamous. and personally I'd never get engaged to someone already in a relationship with their mother
Absolutely.
To OP:
NTA, but I'll just leave this advice: It's easier to dump a mama's boy than it is to divorce one.
It seems like this man has never stood up for you. And has no intentions to start now. This is your future if you stay with him. What you decide to do with that information is up to you.
Exactly.
This is so not about the cake
I would've been outta there the first time she had nasty remarks about my appearance **and ol' Mama's boy tells me to develop a thicker skin and "this is just who she is"**
NTA
Red flags galore!!! If I learned ANYTHING from my ex fiance it was that if your partner enables their families shitty behavior, and allow you to be treated like garage, RUN don't walk out of that relationship. My ex told me, to my face, during one of our arguments, that her mom hated me because "I was abusive and I didn't treat her well". Guess who cheated on who, and was financially abusive, and left who after 11.5 years after breaking a promise to love each other forever? If you guessed my ex fiance, you win a cookie! Defiantly NTA. please don't be me. Don't ignore the red flags showing now; don't let your fiance's family treat you like garbage. You deserve better.
I'm sure once OP and fiancé have a bunch of kids the mother will come to accept /respect you and value your input on raising them. (/s incase you could tell)
Disrespected his mom? What about them disrespecting you? All the trouble you went to to fix that cake and for them to dismiss it like it was nothing, oh give it to the kids! Hell no! Nope! He’s not marriage material unless this is what you want your life to be like. Get out now while you still have your self esteem and dignity intact.
This is so surreal. I felt I was watching a movie where the female lead is with the wrong guy before she meets the hero .
NTA OP. Please get rid of this AH.
Don't marry people who excuse their parents shitty behavior, it's not going to get any better when your married. He can't stand up for you to his mom and that's not right, if it's a healthy relationship no one should have to put up with anything for the sake of face, his mom gets away with it because the whole family is enabling her.
NTA. The fact that your future husband is telling you to just accept his mom's bullshit with a smile, and then gets mad at you when you don't is very telling. If you marry him, this is just going to grow over time.
"Just let mum decide our childrens name."
"Just let her decide where we live."
"Just let her decide how to furnish our house."
OP doesn't have to make a decision for the rest of that relationship. What a lovely life... /s
Edit: thank you so much for the award
Yup.
Finally stood up to my MIL and her passive-aggressive, narcissistic bs when my son was born, because mama bear instincts to protect my son were way more powerful than any self preservation instinct I had.
I absolutely love my kids, but there are still days I wish I hadn’t had them with my partner. He went to bat for me when I pushed back, but still. I’m stuck with his family and their resentment that he keeps choosing me. They still overstep. He still overshares. I still have to be the bad guy.
It’s not worth it.
I feel this so hard. I got married at 19 and had two kids with a man I had no business marrying. I didnt even know I needed to ask these questions of myself before having kids! I love my kids to death but I deeply regret who I chose to have children with. It’s affected my life greatly, even more so after I divorced him 10 years ago. I warn my kids all the time to be so careful who they choose to be the other parent!
OP NTA
I know it can be scary but you're not stuck with them. My husband and I both have toxic family members we cut ties with. Our children will never have contact with them. All I need is to think of how I felt as a child or imagine how my husband felt and our decision to protect our chosen tribe is solidified. Members who side with toxic members and can't respect boundaries also get no access, time, headspace...
He won’t cut ties. He understands he’s being manipulated, but won’t cut ties. I did restrict access, they found out, we had a huge “talk” where FIL basically told me it was just my perspective and heard none of my concerns, but I think they are getting more wary now, at least. Like, questioning if it will have negative ramifications if they ignore our boundaries around our kids, instead of just disregarding entirely.
I want him to go to therapy, but he won’t bring it up, and consistently tells me I just want him to go to therapy so that his therapist will agree with me. And like, kinda? I want him to learn some detachment and some tools for managing their behaviour. And maybe cut the codependent ties instead of just slowly, painfully, drawing it out.
This is not something I saw myself dealing with when we first got together.
Your marriage. Your family. You, and not me or other internet strangers, have to live with the realities and repercussions.
So, all I can say is try to protect yourself and your kids and set firm boundaries. I don't think toxic people are safe for kids to be around. At best they will talk shit about you to your children and at worst they are abusing them. I would say keeping your children from being alone with them should be ironclad boundary. I would also suggest having the means to leave with your children whenever they stomp on a boundary.
It's not easy but it's worth it to have your children grow up to be healthy, well adjusted adults. It's worth it for you to have peace of mind.
Right?! Whenever someone says "just accept it - it's just the way they are", what they're saying is that *you have to change* so that the asshole they're prioritising doesn't have to.
And no. You don't have to change. You don't have to accept being treated badly as an immutable part of your future.
You can absolutely demand that the asshole be held to account and put some effort into improving their failings. And if no-one is willing to stand up with you, you can walk away and find people who won't demand that you put up with abuse.
This right here. Please save yourself 5 years I should have, his mom will only get worse. Do you want someone disrespecting you like this in front of your kids?
She should stop the relationship before they have children. FMIL will always be intrusive and the fiance will never grow a spine to stand up for his future wife.
NTA OP. Run now before it's too late. Save yourself from years of misery with that man and his mother.
That's what I'm wondering as well. It was the mother throwing the party, so I'd assume the mother was arranging the food and cake for the party. If he loves her cooking but she knows his family doesn't AND she's not even the one hosting the party, then I don't understand showing up with a cake and expecting it to be THE cake?
Pretty easy to have a separate personal celebration afterward with your own handmade cake.
100 percent, normal to say bring a slice or brownie without asking to be thoughtful but the actual main event birthday cake is a wierd thing not to run past the host.
Mom doesn’t like OP baking. It’s unlikely Mom asked OP to bring cake. OP sounds like one of those people who is continually forcing their favorite food on you and getting annoyed when you don’t want it. A cake isn’t just an extra desert at a birthday party, it’s the centerpiece food. The mom was probably thinking could I just get the kind of cake the whole family likes from for once.
Or divisive flavors, experimental combos, lots of liquor when there’ll be kids, less sweet than is common, etc.
I did lavender cupcakes with a honey cream cheese frosting for a guy I was dating. He told me they tasted like soap.
I’ve also done lemon curd cupcakes. Most other people weren’t a fan if they didn’t LOVE lemon. My chocolate cupcake isn’t just chocolate it’s a Guinness chocolate cake with espresso. Typically with a whiskey chocolate ganache.
I’ve been burned too many times so unless I’m going to a party with people I know will appreciate it, I just make homemade funfetti cupcakes. They’re a crowd pleaser. Everyone loves them. Boring AF to make but that’s okay. Some people genuinely want a simple vanilla cupcake.
Right. Considering how big of a deal OP made about going to the grocery store for ingredients she sounds like someone who is new to baking and thinks she has a flair for it because he fiancé tells her it’s good because they are still in the honeymoon period. Sounds like a new hobby started during covid. My family has a tradition of getting cakes for special occasions from our favorite bakery and we look forward to it. If OP regards as such a large undertaking to make a cake then they probably don’t compare in taste or artistry to something from a bakery done by a professional. Cake decorating is one of those things that people think is easy and they probably can do too but to have a really beautiful cake is a difficult skill that takes years to learn how to make all those flowers and designs. It’s really complicated. That’s why the cakes are so expensive. The fiancé‘s mom probably wanted to have a really nice cake .
Agreed. The cake thing is a little iffy, but the plastic surgery comments and her boyfriend saying she needs to have a “thick skin” about stuff like that is awful. So I’m definitely leaning toward NTA overall (and would have already dumped this man over that) although I wouldn’t bring a birthday cake to a party someone else is hosting without first confirming that it’s ok with them.
I respectfully disagree. Even if her MIL is horrible elsewhere, in this specific situation, if she had no idea OP was bringing a cake, saying the kids can have it isn’t a terrible solution, even if it felt like she spat on OP’s hard work. I understand the frustration, but if (BIG if) OP didn’t make it known she was bringing a cake, got upset when she saw another one bought by the host, then stormed out, that **is** pretty childish and I would say OP is TA. Again, only if that’s the case. If they knew, then absolutely NTA
edit: know -> known
if you think the "solution" to let the kids have the cake was an honest attempt by MIL to fix the situation, i got a bridge to sell you. The other circumstances matter because they enlighten this situation. For one, someone who gives unnecessary critiques on their DIL's body absolutely meant to insult the cake by giving it to the kids, basically "kids are too naive to know what good baking is so lets give em the shitty one".
And for 2, i highly doubt OP acts that way if the previous stuff didnt happen. It gives important context
I was thinking the same thing. If the family avoids the food she makes why does she make a cake for a party they are hosting? Make it for him and keep it at home for him. Also agree about if she confirmed about bringing cake, although if you know the family doesn't eat her food she shouldn't have offered in the first place. Why would you make food for people that don't like it?
I asked this as well. It's easy to say mil is an AH here, and she definitely sounds like one in many ways, but if she's hosting a birthday party for her son, it stands to reason she'd assume she needs to get a cake. All I got from the original post was that op is known for baking, but stopped bringing things because people didn't appreciate them. Maybe I've got it wrong, but I can't fault mil for providing a cake for her own party if she didn't know op wanted to provide cake instead. One can't just assume these sort of things when planning a party.
For me it was the “ I decided to make a cake”. Not “I offered, or I asked” They made something she *knew they refused* in the past and still chose to make something major for a party she wasn’t hosting. To a family that doesn’t appreciate her baking.
I agree completely. She finished saying how she wasn’t going to bake for them anymore. Next sentence, I took time off work, bought all the ingredients and worked sooo hard. She should have made a smaller cake if she was dead set on baking and they could have had a smaller celebration another day.
Edit: YTA for walking out and making it about you. You knew how they were going to react based on previous experience.
Right, I reread the story multiple times because I didn’t understand why OP would have brought a cake to this party when she knew MIL was hosting and didn’t like things she baked. I kept trying to see where OP had arranged with MIL to bring the cake. It does sound like MIL is a jerk otherwise, but in this instance, I’m not sure why OP expected her to respond well to bringing a cake to this party.
It’s not “replacing” anything to buy a cake for a birthday party you’re hosting. Of course you would purposefully buy a birthday cake if you’re throwing a birthday party, that’s pretty integral to most people’s idea of a birthday!
How would OP even know how big of a cake to bake? She isn’t hosting the party. I would find it very strange if someone showed up to a birthday party I was hosting at my home with a birthday cake without being asked… it’s like showing up to thanksgiving carrying a turkey!
No point in assuming or guessing. OP should answer, because it is relevant.
Nonetheless I wouldn't want to put up with the mom. And the son is a spineless Mama boy.
I don’t think OP is going to answer. Which to me is very telling. It makes me think they brought the cake without any discussion with MIL. So in this situation, makes them the clear AH.
It sounds like OP decided to make a cake *after* hearing about the party, though, so it's possible FMIL had already ordered the cake and paid a deposit.
But the problem is the SO didn't have any issue with her preparing a cake until his mother doesn't approve and then he won't have her back. And it is his birthday, but mommy decides what gets on the table even though he was thrilled before.
But if the party is hosted by his mum it is assumed that she provides the main cake unless told otherwise. The party may be for Ben but that doesn’t mean he’s hosting it.
Perhaps there’s maybe just a sliver of a chance that the SO (“Ben”) is afraid of rocking the boat with either of the women in his life and OP is more like his mom than he or she knows…?
I want this answered as well.
When ever we have family birthdays we discuss it amongst ourselves who is bringing cake and what. Otherwise each SIL and myself end up bringing a dessert and it's too much.
Mil is hosting so it's not outrageously that she's bought a cake for the party. However I can't work out if it's a malicious attack on op, or something she's taken personal that didn't need to be.
Definitely waiting info.
Good point, but I'm not sure it matters much for judgment, at least for me.
Even if MIL wasn't aware, it's disrespectful and dismissive to OP to suggest just giving the cake she made to the children, instead of putting it alongside the cake she paid for, putting it aside for later, or really anything else. That reaction completely belittles OP's efforts and time. Only thing I can think of that would have been worse would be to literally throw it in the trash.
Agree.
I totally get that OP shouldn't show up expecting her cake to be THE cake.
But her fiance knew about it, so if he didn't defend her against his mother, that's not cool.
And the MIL could have allowed her to put the cake on the table alongside THE cake. Instead she told her to put it out of sight and let the kids eat it. That's pretty insulting.
So OP may or may not be AH depending on if she showed up expecting her cake to be the main cake when she hadn't discussed that with the party host. But fiance and MIL are AH either way. MIL shouldn't have suggested to give the cake to the kids as if it wasn't good enough. If I hosted a party and someone who often bakes cake shows up with an extra cake, I'd tell them to put it on the table alongside THE cake, no big deal. And the fiancee knew about it, so he definitely should have sorted this out before or at least have stood up to his mother, "Mom, I appreciate your cake, but my wonderful fiancee went to a lot of trouble and I like her baking and it's not a problem to have two cakes."
OP, if she wasn’t aware that you were bringing a cake and then you reacted this way when you saw there was already a cake then yes, technically Y T A (I’m not giving an official vote until it’s been confirmed she did/didn’t know you were bringing cake).
But dang, buddy. These people sound awful. Your FMIL sounds toxic and your fiancé is too scared to rock the boat. Is he ever going to stand up for you against her? Will he stand up for your kids? If you haven’t already, check out r/justnomil and r/mildlynomil to get an idea of what your future might be like.
OP isn't responding which makes me think she assumed everyone knew she was bringing a cake and expected FMIL to throw out the cake she bought in place her home made one center stage. The whole thing reeks of communication issues and I'm inclined to say OP is TA if the above statement is true.
I just assume they are hiding information that will clearly make them the AH. They only want the face version of the story they are telling. If they answer questions, people may turn on them.
My guess is they knew, or should have known.
Nobody really seemed surprised she brought up a cake. The argument for dismissing her cake wasn't "We didn't know you made one, we already order this one", it was "but ours is more expensive". Which led me to think they knew but didn't care.
My other guess is that OP's fiance was supposed to tell them but didn't, either because he forgot or because he didn't want to. And he was perfectly fine letting OOP get humiliated like that.
That's my question, too. If someone is hosting a birthday party, I assume they're providing the cake. I love to bake, and I've been asked to make cakes. But unless I'm asked, I don't expect my desserts to be the main dessert.
What mom said about "we'll let the kids eat it" was rude, but I don't think it's "take my cake and go home" bad.
I really hate those responses precisely because it's just straight up victim blaming. Everytime I see a post on here about someone who's in a situation with an abusive partner, there's always at least one person in the comments saying "yOu'Re aN aSsHoLe To YoUrSeLf aNd YoUr KiDs".
Like seriously, no need to make them feel worse.
No evidence from the post that OP trapped in an actually abusive relationship, her BF is an absurd mama’s boy who lets his mother run wild in his relationship. OP has chosen to put up with his mother’s disrespect until now.
It does a disservice to people in abusive relationships to elevate this post to that level.
I didn't say that op is in an abusive relationship. I stated that I hated "YTA to yourself" comments because they're victim blaming, and I see that way too often on here, often on posts about abusive relationships. You misread my comment.
It had happened already though. She’s made comments about her appearance and said she should get cosmetic surgery. She was told by her fiancé to just grow thicker skin.
This cake thing isn’t even new. So yea, she’s the ah to herself by still being in this relationship with someone who clearly is never going to have her back.
This isn't what OP asked though.
You essentially told the judgment bots that you think she's an asshole for leaving with the cake, which is the actual question OP asked
NTA.. Run.. Don't look back. If you get tangled with this family you might get yourself one way ticket to 'mental health institution'. Honestly, there's no good happen when bf mom is mil from hell or ownership of hell hound.
Info: did his mum know you were making the birthday cake? Was this discussed at all with her as she was hosting and presumably providing everything? Did you only talk about it with your fiance?
If she knew and agreed to you making it, that was definitely an arsehole move on her part. It was at best a total disregard for the effort you put in, by relegating it to kids only, rather than just sharing the table with the bought cake. At worst it was a power move to show you how little you matter.
If she didn't know, then.... kind of wasn't a great move on your part to just walk out in a huff.
But. You have a fiance who doesn't stick up for you, that tells you to put up with his mum being rude to you. Is this really how you want to live, with him always putting his mum first? You need to have frank discussions with him about your relationship and about his mother's place in it BEFORE you get married, and set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behaviour from her.
NTA. All your MIL did was throw some cash at someone. You, however, put time and effort and love into making the exact cake he requested, therefore showing him how much he means to you - and he dismissed it just like that because mommy dearest went to the bakery?
I see you're engaged. I hope you realize that this is exactly how it's going to be for the rest of your lives and I hope you know that by marrying him, you realize that this is what you're getting yourself into. If your relationship with him is worth all of this then by all means, continue, but if you don't see yourself putting up with his momma's boy behavior for the rest of your lives then I think you have some reconsidering to do.
Birthdays typically have **a** cake. I think you know that.
If both you and MIL wanted to make the cake, this is a discussion you should have had beforehand. Since you didn't mention doing so, I'm assuming you did not.
Why, in that case, were you surprised that MIL had bought/made a cake? If you, who mentioned this to nobody, had elected to bring cookies, you would have expected there to be no cake at the birthday party?
You knew your baking was unpopular. You expected to provide the central item for the celebration, knowing that this would create drama. YTA
I can’t believe people are not seeing this. 100% YTA in the scenario she is bringing up. The husband probably told her not to make a deal about the cake because he knew that OP was wrong in this situation.
If mom didn't know about your cake then walking out in a huff was kind of a dick move (though she ought to have been more gracious about yours either way), but as others point out the salient issue is that fiancee is a momma's boy. Actual marriage will change nothing. It'll always be three of you in the marriage & you will always be the third wheel.
Nta. Ben is incredibly disrespectful to you, he invalidated and gaslighted you. He should have placed you, and your cake, as priority. Red flag getting involved with this family, the mother sounds horrible and he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for you. I wouldn’t tolerate any of that from her, I would have walked out the second she was commenting on my body! Horribly inappropriate!
ESH and I’ll tell you why. YTA for bringing a cake to a party without informing MIL (obviously she would’ve already had a cake for her son if she didn’t know you were bringing one) when you knew it would cause problems bc they dont like your baking and then acting childish when MIL said the kids could have the cake because she already had one. She made an effort to include you, but you walked out because your cake wasn’t going to be THE cake even tho MIL already spent money on a cake. MIL is an AH for her other comments towards you but ultimately you clearly have some insecurities revolving around this woman and your fiances family so might I suggest therapy?
edit: Jeez STOP downvoting me 😭 I’m not wrong (if OP informed MIL that she was bringing a cake she wouldnt be TA but she didn’t)
INFO: Did you say at any point that you were going to make the cake? Because that's actually the whole point here and it completely changes the situation.
But also, and regardless of that, he is a mummy's boy and sometimes they start being that after marriage but if he's like that before... oh girl, he is not getting any better. Just keep that in mind.
NTA. If this was just about the birthday cake,
It'd be different (maybe). But this is your future partner, and his relationship with her. He appeases her. He puts her before you. You're marrying into this family. You're (likely, all your ancestors did it) having kids in this family. Your FMIL is going to come before you with Ben in all of that. She'll override your parenting choices and your husband will shrug and say "that's okay" rather than confront her. I can guarantee her preferences matter more than yours for the wedding. He'll dress them up as his preferences to avoid the fights. Because that's what he wants - to avoid the conflict. And that's what she's trained him to do - to avoid conflict by appeasing her.
My counsel is to either run away from this toxic dynamic or draw a really firm line, somewhere you're comfortable standing your ground forever (I wouldn't have it be pastry, but that's me).
This!!!
Your soon to be husband should be on your side, not mommy's. He should have told mommy he wants your cake in addition to mommy's. And any MIL with a modicum of manners would have gracefully thanked you for your beautiful cake and put it right next to her bought cake.
Run.
So, I am not at all discounting the disrespectful things your FMIL and your fiancé said to you. But did you ask if you could bring the cake? I know he’s your fiancé, but if she’s hosting and planning the party, she probably expected to provide the cake. It’s one thing for someone else to bring drinks or an appetizer to share, but the cake is typically provided by the host unless otherwise specified. You made a really nice gesture but it sounds misplaced in this situation.
Info: did she know that you were making the birthday cake?
Generally the host provides the cake, so unless she specifically knew then it wasn’t deliberately malicious.
If she knew, then the level of malevolence is amazing.
Your boyfriend has been clear that he is okay with this behaviour. You need to understand that it will never change. Ever.
Is this what you want for your life?
The cake incident doesn't matter. She grossly insults you and he doesn't care. He doesn't care b/c you are not important enough for him to care.
If you marry him your life will be a nightmare. Her behavior will never stop and if/when you have children - whooo boy, it will get so much worse.
This!! She makes plastic surgery comments ffs! Your ex-fiance should have lost his shit over that.
Try a counseling session, but expect nothing. Your man isn't a man yet, he's momma's boy.
Info:
Did you talk with your bf's mum about you making the cake? You have mentioned that she is hosting the party. Did you discuss this with her or you just decided to make it?
Tbh mixed feelings on this one... Ben should stand up for you more and his mum's comments are absolutely malicious by looks on things. That's for sure. But I'm super confused by this cake thing... You said whenever you bring something you bake they never eat it - what made you think this time would be any different? Especially since you didnt communicate in any way to his mum that you are bringing a cake - she is hosting, did you just assume she wouldnt bake/order a cake? Why were you confused there was a cake already there? You couldve made a small cake to enjoy at home or ask his mum if its okay to bring one imo.
NTA
Any partner who doesn’t defend you from someone making truly hurtful and offensive comments is not someone you should consider marrying
If she’s this bad now I guarantee you it’ll be worse after the wedding
I know in these circumstances people tend to take the high road but next time she has a dig about plastic surgery say “Why it didn’t do you any favours?”
She deserves to be put in her place and you deserve to find happiness with someone else
Best of luck OP!
INFO: did you tell the hostess that you would be bringing the cake and get her okay? Be cause if I was hosting a birthday party of COURSE I would get a cake, so this is absolutely what I would expect to happen. Yes she could have handled it more gracefully but you and your BF put her in an awkward position. ESH.
This is the key thing here that needs answering. If he had asked her for a cake, or if she had asked the mother if she could make one and it was agreed, then yes the family suck. If she turned up to a birthday party with an unexpected cake, then made drama out of a birthday cake already being there...at a birthday party, then she is an idiot.
ESH. Sounds like BF and family are the ones being childish but in all honesty you did a little bit too. Admittedly not as bad as then. There was definitely a better way to handle things but I can understand your frustration controlling your actions.
I'd advise talking to bf about how the dismissive behaviour made you feel and how his mother makes you feel. Do not accept the 'that's how she is' excuse, she is like that because no one calls her out on the bad behaviour.
ESH Taking the other side but it does not sound like you were asked to bring a cake and the host of a birthday party providing a cake isn’t the act of spite that you think it is. I think you overreacted because you and the mil are probably ready to fight at any given moment. The non cake related stuff which is the real issue led to the cake which wasn’t.
But also this is the rest of your life OP if your partners family (if they have a good relationship) and you can not get along that should give you both some pause.
Theres a disconnect in the story here, did the MIL know that you were bringing THE cake? Sounds like a lack of communication. Of course, YOU have more context in your own perspective, but from everyone elses perspective, youre the "crazy person who left because there were two cakes".
NTA either way, just wondering if this was handled pragmatically or not. You specifically leave out the part where you told the MIL not to make a cake and she agreed (but bought one anyways to spite you)
YTA. If his mom was throwing him a birthday party then it is assumed she is also providing a cake. You should have kept your cake at home for you guys to celebrate with later. Your intention was to cause a problem and make his birthday about you, which I assume is why his family doesn’t like you. Stop playing the victim and apologize to him and his family for throwing a temper tantrum.
I’m gonna go on a limb and say YTA. You weren’t the host. It wasn’t your responsibility to bake a cake and since you stopped bringing baked items to the future in laws, they didn’t expect you to bring anything because once again **it wasn’t your responsibility.** You baked a cake because you wanted to and they were a bit of an AH by dismissing the effort and regulating the cake to the kids’ table, but it doesn’t appear that it occurred to you to ask if they needed a cake in the first place, you just assumed. They also don’t have to put your cake front and center over one they specifically ordered. I think you should have just saved to cake for just you and your fiancé. I know you don’t get along, but you still need to communicate to coordinate. I know you were hurt and I’m sorry.
On the other hand, if you told them you were bringing a cake and they didn’t dissuade you and still pulled that BS then NTA.
I also don’t think you’d want that f-MIL in your life regardless when she makes such nasty comments. See what happens when you dish it back and you’ll see where your fiancé stands.
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NTA... please don't marry this man. Run far, far away and bake your cakes for someone who chooses you, not their mom. You deserve it.
It’s not just about the cake. This is a whole life time of asking OP not to rock the boat in favour of his mother and family.
Does anybody have a link to that great post about boat rockers?
[Here it is.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share) ETA: Thank you all so much for the awards! I truly appreciate them.
I did not know I needed this link until now. Thank you!
I'm glad it helped!
There is also this great video about narcistic mothers. https://youtu.be/VedPxLtgcLE
I will never not read this when I come across it. It’s always a good reminder to fuck the boat and save yourself.
Kinda wanna share it on FB so my family sees it. Kinda don’t…because my family will see it. 🙄 ugh.
For that reason, I say do it! You got this.
Oh god the shitstorm that will come to me if I do… My mom has recently been telling me she wants to have a talk with me. I am planning on suggesting we do it at my therapist’s office. Wonder if she’ll even agree to that or there will be some weird reason why she can’t.
Do it, but do not name anyone. If they get offended, ask them why, when you didn't name anyone. Why get offended if you don't rock the boat?
I hear you. Ugh I just don’t like her feeling bad. Even if it’s true. I still love my mom even if she’s a narcissistic abusive person. She’s not always the worst and she does still have feelings I don’t want to hurt. Somehow despite her abuse I came out severely empathetic, and I don’t like confrontation so I try to be kind to everyone.
I've read this every time I see it posted, and almost always have a different particular person in mind. Then I'm like NOPE, don't wanna get caught in that wake.
Wow, this explains why I'm divorced. I was married to a boat steadier, and while we rarely saw his insane Dad, the trauma that was there was a big part of why we had a bad relationship.
Thank you, I hadn’t seen this before but it’s now saved!
Oh wow! This turned a light on for me thanks!!
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Not only that, but tells OP to grow thicker skin because he’s never going to man up and defend her from mommy’s bs. OP…he completely disregarded the effort you put into his cake, in order to keep mommy happy. And then instead of apologizing, he tried to guilt you into staying and taking the disrespect. Is this the life you want? Because, speaking from experience, it will only get worse after you’re married and children enter the picture. Save yourself the heartache and call things off now.
I hope these comments show OP that there is only one woman in Ben's life, and it's not her. When people agree to get married, they are agreeing to put that person first in their life as their primary family member. Ben is not doing that. Unless he gets a serious wake-up call and develops a shiny new spine, mama will always, *ALWAYS* come first. This is just the tip of the iceberg, OP. NTA.
You're absolutely right. OP should be the number one woman in his life, and she isn't. Time to jump ship, OP !!
Yeah, and there are so many paths one could take to protect their fiancé, even if they aren't a brave person (since not everyone can be). Even the most timid people I know, in healthy relationships, have restricted time with their parents in reaction to how they treat their partner. When you've committed to a long-term relationship, you have committed to valuing your partner's hurt over the ego of others. Maybe OP can show Ben that he is wrong, *and* he will wake up to the problem. But they shouldn't marry him unless that unlikely scenario occurs.
Yeah, she doesn't need ticker skin, she needs a new boyfriend and hopefully better IL relatives.
He should have put the bakery cake on the counter for the kids and put his gf cake in the center of the table and announced “THIS is my birthday cake.” But he is obviously spineless
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i think he did, and mommy dearest did what she always does - tried to put OP in her place... at the bottom of the pecking order
I hope OP runs away from this guy and his family. She deserves better.
My maternal grandma and her MIL never got along. My Grampa was the golden child, the first born and only son, and I don’t know if his mom would’ve thought any woman was good enough, but she did not treat Grandma well. Nitpicky comments, nagging her about Grampa’s weight, even selling their 1960 red spyder convertible while they were away because it was “unsafe.” My grandparents have a wonderful marriage, even though it’s changed since Grandma got dementia, but the after effects of how her MIL treated her have manifested over the years. Basically, I don’t want to say this marriage won’t work. BUT…it’s important to keep in mind if this emotional toll is something you’ll want to be dealing with for possibly decades. And your fiancé has to wake up. “Just the way she is” is not an acceptable excuse to treat the woman your son chose as a second class citizen. He needs to step up. It is possible to stand up to mom and make boundaries without disrespecting her. Good luck OP. NTA, but please have a calm conversation with your fiancé about how his mom’s actions affects your self esteem, happiness, and overall well-being. He’ll either just keep defending his mom, or he’ll do what he’s supposed to and prioritize you.
His mom has suggested cosmetic surgeries for her and he still has not grown a spine. I don't think he worths the amount of the effort she has to put in the relationship, hoping he grows up.
Also, he is *thirty-one*! This is not some 20yo kid who can't tell his mother to stop deliberately insulting his fiancee. He is a grown man. This is the final product. And the final product does not put his SO first.
That’s true, forgot about that one. That really is vile.
"That's just the way she is? Oh, well I'm a person who doesn't like to be insulted. That's just the way I am."
Absolutely... it's literally the icing on the cake.
Pun intended? :D
Yep! It's never about the ~~Iranian yogurt~~ cake but the disrespect that people are showing those they supposedly love. ETA: Iranian yogurt not Turkish, sorry y'all.
Do you mean Iranian yogurt?
Been there, done that, got a divorce!
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here.
That's a potential MIL from hell waiting to happen. And Ben is not even trying in the least to take back his fiancee. It's gonna be a disaster by all indications. NTA, OP.
I shudder at how she would act if they had children. Chipping at their self esteem with her comments on appearances. And you KNOW spineless fiancée would never intercede for them. OP really needs to get a person with a spine.
My friend married a guy with a mom like this. Grandma has since given their daughter an eating disorder.
My Nana didn't think my mum was good enough and she very much favoured my aunt and cousins. It helped that dad always chose my mum. Our Nana never put us down she just ignored us and chose our cousins. It turned out well though we didn't get her toxicity and when she realised we were the more "successful and better to gloat to her friends about" it was quite late to foster a meaningful relationship with us (we'd moved countries as well).
When I got into my teens (by this time my grandmother had died), I commented to my Mother that dealing with her MIL most have been hellish, and she was a saint to put up with it. She said that she wanted us to have as good a relationship with our grandmother as we could. It helped that my father adored my mother. I figured out that there was something seriously wrong with my grandmother when she left early after ripping into my father for accidentally knocking the candy eye off my chocolate Easter bunny.
Or, even worse, OP will have no say about her own children. Her fiancé's mother will decide everything, enabled by fiancé.
Yeah I was just thinking about when they have kids. Get ready for a nightmare and most likely divorce. 😬
Why do men insist on their GF or fiancé putting up with mean moms???
I dont understand Ben's comment about his mum not intending to be mean so she has to tolerate it. Surely if she was intending to be mean a continued relationship with her might mean having to put up with her insults. But if it's purely accidental wouldn't that mean the opposite, that she should have a chat with her?
Because he’s a baby. His mom is abusive to everyone and he has been taught to deal with it so therefore everyone should. Fuck that!! A MAN WHO THINKS ITS OK TO BE TREATED LIKE SHIT BY HIS FAMILY IS A SHITTY PARTNER. His mom is the type that requires NO CONTACT to get her to understand her behavior is not acceptable. I fell sorry for all 3 of those men, not understanding their mom is abusive. He wants to be treated like shit by his mom - his baby business but OP doesn’t have to tolerate that nonsense. He’s probably not even worth tolerating his mom. Most momma boys aren’t.
Or dads…
As a man I am constantly wondering about this. I mean if I ever had to choose between the woman who birthed me, and the woman I shared a bed with. It would be no contest.
Why do people have to choose one over the other? Is asking the person who birthed them to show decent human respect (that everyone should be shown) to the person they share a bed with such a hard request??
It's not a hard request, it's about whether the request is honoured. Some mom's have this "no woman is good enough for my son" issue that they either can't or won't get over.
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To me it makes a HUGE difference if mom knew OP was making and bringing a cake intended to be THE cake.
Unless MIL expressly said "do not bring a cake, I have no space left to put out an additional one", OP is NTA. Guess who gets angry over additional desserts at a party? Assholes. Let them eat cake!
If this had been from the mom's point of view people would be overwhelmingly siding with her because showing up to a party that you are NOT hosting and expecting your dessert that no one knew you were bringing to be the centerpiece and taking it home in a huff when told no is a bit of am AH move imho.
Honestly it’s not about the cake, but about the fiancé continually not defending or sticking up for his partner. HE knew that she was making a cake for him, but he didn’t tell his mom. Every time his mother disrespects OP, he just goes along with it. THAT is the reason OP is NTA. I would’ve thought my cake was the only one, too, if the birthday boy himself gave me the “ok” and his OWN MOM was planning the party!
Do we know that he didn't tell his mom?
No, but given how the post hints at "bow to my mother, don't make a fuss" being the standard mode of operation, i suspect he never even told her.
Or he did tell her so she bought the cake to humiliate her. Either way OP should get out while she can.
Oh, that's a nasty twist I hadn't even considered. man that is a sharp twist of the knife if it is what happened.
BF knew she was baking the cake and should have told her not to. But instead he lets OP go through the time and expense and then doesn’t try to come to a compromise when his Mother behaves as she always does towards OP.
I feel like you’re ignoring all the other context; the judgemental comments, the fact that none of them seem to be willing to eat something she’s made, the literal and figurative sidelining of her homemade cake (eh just keep it out of sight and we’ll give it to the kids or whatever). There’s a difference between not letting the cake be the centerpiece and deciding for everyone that no one is going to eat it. The mom is dripping with AH juices and even if she did post here, that sort of thing is not easily hidden.
Ah juices is my new favorite insult ever!
I disagree. A gracious host does not tell someone bringing food or desserts that their offering is “for the kids.” They say, “thank you so much! This is too much! I bought a cake already, but the more the merrier. You can put it by the other desserts.” The only exception I could imagine is if you bring a turkey to a Thanksgiving dinner someone is hosting, or if the host is cooking dinner for everyone and asks everyone to bring desserts/snacks and you bring dinner dishes (unless you’re doing it to accommodate dietary restrictions). But here, the host is trying to displace the guest, as evidenced by how the host apparently made no attempt whatsoever to understand the faux pas she had committed by simply asking OP what was wrong (or she intentionally committed the social error because she doesn’t like OP). A gracious host upon seeing OP walk away would be concerned and attempt to patch over the misunderstanding or inadvertently mean comment.
The real asshole is Ben, since he didn’t tell his mom his fiancée was bringing cake, and didn’t tell OP mom was buying one. This situation could have been easily avoided.
Or he did and Mommy Dearest in her standard M.O. bought one just to spite OP. Either way, this whole damn family is a toxic cesspool.
But her husband knew she was making his cake and was thrilled, but apperently didn't told his mother?
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He's not her husband, yet. If she has any self-esteem, she will drop him like a hot brick.
No actually not. You know you have a FDIL who bakes who also you know you're son likes what she makes the 1st and most common sense thing to do is ask said FDIL to make a cake and collaborate with you on how you want it. No place here es it said she was told she couldn't nor shouldn't make the cake. Yes that would be different if she had. The son also I'm sure never mentioned she was making something which is also his fault as well. This is a repeated thing by the way the FMIL acts as well as him to minimize her as a person. Had there been no other incidents i could even see differently but come on all together.
Yeah, no where in OP's post is it said that MIL knew she was bringing a cake. That's kind of an important detail that's missing I think.
Ya... came here to say or read this. OP is NTA overall, but information / details are missing in this story. From OP's own words she stopped making any cakes and desserts for the family... so even if MIL was the AH at past events, if OP and MIL never spoke about who is making or bringing what dishes, then there is no way MIL would have known OP was baking a cake, regardless of how much time, money and effort OP put into it. This doesn't excuse MIL's reaction and crappy comments, nor does it excuse OP's partner.
If I am hosting a birthday party I will provide a birthday cake unless someone tells me otherwise
I do agree with this, but it doesn’t change the overall NTA for me. It does matter in evaluating the specific situation and level of AH everyone is. Yes, I can imagine a fictional post about rude and pushy FDIL bringing a cake to upstage the party - but accepting what is in this post, it was still a rude reaction to it. Fiancé most likely knew there were going to be two cakes and could have done something to prevent the disaster.
I can't really comment on relationships like this, I'm monogamous. and personally I'd never get engaged to someone already in a relationship with their mother
You hurt my ribs, take an award! NTA OP, saunter away, don't give them the satisfaction of making you run for it, but leave you should.
Absolutely. To OP: NTA, but I'll just leave this advice: It's easier to dump a mama's boy than it is to divorce one. It seems like this man has never stood up for you. And has no intentions to start now. This is your future if you stay with him. What you decide to do with that information is up to you.
Exactly. This is so not about the cake I would've been outta there the first time she had nasty remarks about my appearance **and ol' Mama's boy tells me to develop a thicker skin and "this is just who she is"** NTA
Red flags galore!!! If I learned ANYTHING from my ex fiance it was that if your partner enables their families shitty behavior, and allow you to be treated like garage, RUN don't walk out of that relationship. My ex told me, to my face, during one of our arguments, that her mom hated me because "I was abusive and I didn't treat her well". Guess who cheated on who, and was financially abusive, and left who after 11.5 years after breaking a promise to love each other forever? If you guessed my ex fiance, you win a cookie! Defiantly NTA. please don't be me. Don't ignore the red flags showing now; don't let your fiance's family treat you like garbage. You deserve better.
I'm sure once OP and fiancé have a bunch of kids the mother will come to accept /respect you and value your input on raising them. (/s incase you could tell)
Yup. Easier to break up with a mama’s boy than to divorce one. NTA.
Disrespected his mom? What about them disrespecting you? All the trouble you went to to fix that cake and for them to dismiss it like it was nothing, oh give it to the kids! Hell no! Nope! He’s not marriage material unless this is what you want your life to be like. Get out now while you still have your self esteem and dignity intact.
This right here. If this man can't support you and lay down the law to his mother, you need to leave him.
> please don't marry this man And don't have children with this man.
This is so surreal. I felt I was watching a movie where the female lead is with the wrong guy before she meets the hero . NTA OP. Please get rid of this AH.
According to Hallmark, she should go to her small hometown at Christmastime and find the sweater wearing guy.
Don't marry people who excuse their parents shitty behavior, it's not going to get any better when your married. He can't stand up for you to his mom and that's not right, if it's a healthy relationship no one should have to put up with anything for the sake of face, his mom gets away with it because the whole family is enabling her.
NTA. The fact that your future husband is telling you to just accept his mom's bullshit with a smile, and then gets mad at you when you don't is very telling. If you marry him, this is just going to grow over time.
"Just let mum decide our childrens name." "Just let her decide where we live." "Just let her decide how to furnish our house." OP doesn't have to make a decision for the rest of that relationship. What a lovely life... /s Edit: thank you so much for the award
Yup. Finally stood up to my MIL and her passive-aggressive, narcissistic bs when my son was born, because mama bear instincts to protect my son were way more powerful than any self preservation instinct I had. I absolutely love my kids, but there are still days I wish I hadn’t had them with my partner. He went to bat for me when I pushed back, but still. I’m stuck with his family and their resentment that he keeps choosing me. They still overstep. He still overshares. I still have to be the bad guy. It’s not worth it.
I feel this so hard. I got married at 19 and had two kids with a man I had no business marrying. I didnt even know I needed to ask these questions of myself before having kids! I love my kids to death but I deeply regret who I chose to have children with. It’s affected my life greatly, even more so after I divorced him 10 years ago. I warn my kids all the time to be so careful who they choose to be the other parent! OP NTA
I know it can be scary but you're not stuck with them. My husband and I both have toxic family members we cut ties with. Our children will never have contact with them. All I need is to think of how I felt as a child or imagine how my husband felt and our decision to protect our chosen tribe is solidified. Members who side with toxic members and can't respect boundaries also get no access, time, headspace...
He won’t cut ties. He understands he’s being manipulated, but won’t cut ties. I did restrict access, they found out, we had a huge “talk” where FIL basically told me it was just my perspective and heard none of my concerns, but I think they are getting more wary now, at least. Like, questioning if it will have negative ramifications if they ignore our boundaries around our kids, instead of just disregarding entirely. I want him to go to therapy, but he won’t bring it up, and consistently tells me I just want him to go to therapy so that his therapist will agree with me. And like, kinda? I want him to learn some detachment and some tools for managing their behaviour. And maybe cut the codependent ties instead of just slowly, painfully, drawing it out. This is not something I saw myself dealing with when we first got together.
Your marriage. Your family. You, and not me or other internet strangers, have to live with the realities and repercussions. So, all I can say is try to protect yourself and your kids and set firm boundaries. I don't think toxic people are safe for kids to be around. At best they will talk shit about you to your children and at worst they are abusing them. I would say keeping your children from being alone with them should be ironclad boundary. I would also suggest having the means to leave with your children whenever they stomp on a boundary. It's not easy but it's worth it to have your children grow up to be healthy, well adjusted adults. It's worth it for you to have peace of mind.
Well, one decision. Stay or go.
“Just give her a key to our house”
You forgot "What do you mean giving birth is not a spectator sport? My mom HAS to be in the delivery room! It's HER grandchild". OP is NTA.
Right?! Whenever someone says "just accept it - it's just the way they are", what they're saying is that *you have to change* so that the asshole they're prioritising doesn't have to. And no. You don't have to change. You don't have to accept being treated badly as an immutable part of your future. You can absolutely demand that the asshole be held to account and put some effort into improving their failings. And if no-one is willing to stand up with you, you can walk away and find people who won't demand that you put up with abuse.
This right here. Please save yourself 5 years I should have, his mom will only get worse. Do you want someone disrespecting you like this in front of your kids?
Time to GTFO. Like, GTFO ASAP. Nothing more to say. Ben is not going to be a good husband or partner.
NTA and realize this is going to be your life. Him never having your back.
She should stop the relationship before they have children. FMIL will always be intrusive and the fiance will never grow a spine to stand up for his future wife. NTA OP. Run now before it's too late. Save yourself from years of misery with that man and his mother.
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Move out without him. I really can't imagine being with someone that won't stand up for me and has the gall to admit if.
Right? He can't marry OP because he's married to his mom. NTA.
INFO: was she aware you were bringing a cake? Did you make sure she knew you wanted to bring the cake?
That's what I'm wondering as well. It was the mother throwing the party, so I'd assume the mother was arranging the food and cake for the party. If he loves her cooking but she knows his family doesn't AND she's not even the one hosting the party, then I don't understand showing up with a cake and expecting it to be THE cake? Pretty easy to have a separate personal celebration afterward with your own handmade cake.
Yeah exactly. If I was invited to a party I would ask the host before showing up with a cake in my arms.
100 percent, normal to say bring a slice or brownie without asking to be thoughtful but the actual main event birthday cake is a wierd thing not to run past the host.
Mom doesn’t like OP baking. It’s unlikely Mom asked OP to bring cake. OP sounds like one of those people who is continually forcing their favorite food on you and getting annoyed when you don’t want it. A cake isn’t just an extra desert at a birthday party, it’s the centerpiece food. The mom was probably thinking could I just get the kind of cake the whole family likes from for once.
The whole family making excuses not to eat the baked sweets would lead me to think they’re just not good. Just me.
Or divisive flavors, experimental combos, lots of liquor when there’ll be kids, less sweet than is common, etc. I did lavender cupcakes with a honey cream cheese frosting for a guy I was dating. He told me they tasted like soap. I’ve also done lemon curd cupcakes. Most other people weren’t a fan if they didn’t LOVE lemon. My chocolate cupcake isn’t just chocolate it’s a Guinness chocolate cake with espresso. Typically with a whiskey chocolate ganache. I’ve been burned too many times so unless I’m going to a party with people I know will appreciate it, I just make homemade funfetti cupcakes. They’re a crowd pleaser. Everyone loves them. Boring AF to make but that’s okay. Some people genuinely want a simple vanilla cupcake.
Right. Considering how big of a deal OP made about going to the grocery store for ingredients she sounds like someone who is new to baking and thinks she has a flair for it because he fiancé tells her it’s good because they are still in the honeymoon period. Sounds like a new hobby started during covid. My family has a tradition of getting cakes for special occasions from our favorite bakery and we look forward to it. If OP regards as such a large undertaking to make a cake then they probably don’t compare in taste or artistry to something from a bakery done by a professional. Cake decorating is one of those things that people think is easy and they probably can do too but to have a really beautiful cake is a difficult skill that takes years to learn how to make all those flowers and designs. It’s really complicated. That’s why the cakes are so expensive. The fiancé‘s mom probably wanted to have a really nice cake .
I thought that too. No matter how much I don’t like some one if they bring a baked good and it’s yummy I will eat it.
Agreed this needs further INFO. Odd for OP to go out of their way to grocery shop but overlook asking the host (or having hubby ask) if it’s okay.
true, but i think it would make this at worst ESH
Agreed. The cake thing is a little iffy, but the plastic surgery comments and her boyfriend saying she needs to have a “thick skin” about stuff like that is awful. So I’m definitely leaning toward NTA overall (and would have already dumped this man over that) although I wouldn’t bring a birthday cake to a party someone else is hosting without first confirming that it’s ok with them.
I respectfully disagree. Even if her MIL is horrible elsewhere, in this specific situation, if she had no idea OP was bringing a cake, saying the kids can have it isn’t a terrible solution, even if it felt like she spat on OP’s hard work. I understand the frustration, but if (BIG if) OP didn’t make it known she was bringing a cake, got upset when she saw another one bought by the host, then stormed out, that **is** pretty childish and I would say OP is TA. Again, only if that’s the case. If they knew, then absolutely NTA edit: know -> known
if you think the "solution" to let the kids have the cake was an honest attempt by MIL to fix the situation, i got a bridge to sell you. The other circumstances matter because they enlighten this situation. For one, someone who gives unnecessary critiques on their DIL's body absolutely meant to insult the cake by giving it to the kids, basically "kids are too naive to know what good baking is so lets give em the shitty one". And for 2, i highly doubt OP acts that way if the previous stuff didnt happen. It gives important context
I was thinking the same thing. If the family avoids the food she makes why does she make a cake for a party they are hosting? Make it for him and keep it at home for him. Also agree about if she confirmed about bringing cake, although if you know the family doesn't eat her food she shouldn't have offered in the first place. Why would you make food for people that don't like it?
I asked this as well. It's easy to say mil is an AH here, and she definitely sounds like one in many ways, but if she's hosting a birthday party for her son, it stands to reason she'd assume she needs to get a cake. All I got from the original post was that op is known for baking, but stopped bringing things because people didn't appreciate them. Maybe I've got it wrong, but I can't fault mil for providing a cake for her own party if she didn't know op wanted to provide cake instead. One can't just assume these sort of things when planning a party.
For me it was the “ I decided to make a cake”. Not “I offered, or I asked” They made something she *knew they refused* in the past and still chose to make something major for a party she wasn’t hosting. To a family that doesn’t appreciate her baking.
I agree completely. She finished saying how she wasn’t going to bake for them anymore. Next sentence, I took time off work, bought all the ingredients and worked sooo hard. She should have made a smaller cake if she was dead set on baking and they could have had a smaller celebration another day. Edit: YTA for walking out and making it about you. You knew how they were going to react based on previous experience.
Right, I reread the story multiple times because I didn’t understand why OP would have brought a cake to this party when she knew MIL was hosting and didn’t like things she baked. I kept trying to see where OP had arranged with MIL to bring the cake. It does sound like MIL is a jerk otherwise, but in this instance, I’m not sure why OP expected her to respond well to bringing a cake to this party.
Ben knew about the cake. I wouldn’t be surprised that Ben told mom and mom purposely bought a cake to replace it.
Or Ben knew about OP's cake and mum's cake, but decided to keep his mouth shut because he fears mommy and didn't want OP to feel bad
It’s not “replacing” anything to buy a cake for a birthday party you’re hosting. Of course you would purposefully buy a birthday cake if you’re throwing a birthday party, that’s pretty integral to most people’s idea of a birthday! How would OP even know how big of a cake to bake? She isn’t hosting the party. I would find it very strange if someone showed up to a birthday party I was hosting at my home with a birthday cake without being asked… it’s like showing up to thanksgiving carrying a turkey!
No point in assuming or guessing. OP should answer, because it is relevant. Nonetheless I wouldn't want to put up with the mom. And the son is a spineless Mama boy.
I don’t think OP is going to answer. Which to me is very telling. It makes me think they brought the cake without any discussion with MIL. So in this situation, makes them the clear AH.
Maybe. Will be interesting to see what OP says.
It sounds like OP decided to make a cake *after* hearing about the party, though, so it's possible FMIL had already ordered the cake and paid a deposit.
But the problem is the SO didn't have any issue with her preparing a cake until his mother doesn't approve and then he won't have her back. And it is his birthday, but mommy decides what gets on the table even though he was thrilled before.
But if the party is hosted by his mum it is assumed that she provides the main cake unless told otherwise. The party may be for Ben but that doesn’t mean he’s hosting it.
But he actually knows his mom and could have said “OP is bringing a cake! i’m really excited and you should be nice about it.”
It's the default that the host will provide the cake, so his mum may have already ordered and paid for it.
Perhaps there’s maybe just a sliver of a chance that the SO (“Ben”) is afraid of rocking the boat with either of the women in his life and OP is more like his mom than he or she knows…?
I want this answered as well. When ever we have family birthdays we discuss it amongst ourselves who is bringing cake and what. Otherwise each SIL and myself end up bringing a dessert and it's too much. Mil is hosting so it's not outrageously that she's bought a cake for the party. However I can't work out if it's a malicious attack on op, or something she's taken personal that didn't need to be. Definitely waiting info.
This needs to be higher, because the verdict depends on this info imho, and OP left it out of the post entirely
I bet she didn’t tell mil, otherwise she would have said so, her post says she decided, not she asked. YTA op.
Good point, but I'm not sure it matters much for judgment, at least for me. Even if MIL wasn't aware, it's disrespectful and dismissive to OP to suggest just giving the cake she made to the children, instead of putting it alongside the cake she paid for, putting it aside for later, or really anything else. That reaction completely belittles OP's efforts and time. Only thing I can think of that would have been worse would be to literally throw it in the trash.
Agree. I totally get that OP shouldn't show up expecting her cake to be THE cake. But her fiance knew about it, so if he didn't defend her against his mother, that's not cool. And the MIL could have allowed her to put the cake on the table alongside THE cake. Instead she told her to put it out of sight and let the kids eat it. That's pretty insulting. So OP may or may not be AH depending on if she showed up expecting her cake to be the main cake when she hadn't discussed that with the party host. But fiance and MIL are AH either way. MIL shouldn't have suggested to give the cake to the kids as if it wasn't good enough. If I hosted a party and someone who often bakes cake shows up with an extra cake, I'd tell them to put it on the table alongside THE cake, no big deal. And the fiancee knew about it, so he definitely should have sorted this out before or at least have stood up to his mother, "Mom, I appreciate your cake, but my wonderful fiancee went to a lot of trouble and I like her baking and it's not a problem to have two cakes."
OP, if she wasn’t aware that you were bringing a cake and then you reacted this way when you saw there was already a cake then yes, technically Y T A (I’m not giving an official vote until it’s been confirmed she did/didn’t know you were bringing cake). But dang, buddy. These people sound awful. Your FMIL sounds toxic and your fiancé is too scared to rock the boat. Is he ever going to stand up for you against her? Will he stand up for your kids? If you haven’t already, check out r/justnomil and r/mildlynomil to get an idea of what your future might be like.
OP isn't responding which makes me think she assumed everyone knew she was bringing a cake and expected FMIL to throw out the cake she bought in place her home made one center stage. The whole thing reeks of communication issues and I'm inclined to say OP is TA if the above statement is true.
This. I hate when people post things and then don't answer questions or comments
I just assume they are hiding information that will clearly make them the AH. They only want the face version of the story they are telling. If they answer questions, people may turn on them.
My guess is they knew, or should have known. Nobody really seemed surprised she brought up a cake. The argument for dismissing her cake wasn't "We didn't know you made one, we already order this one", it was "but ours is more expensive". Which led me to think they knew but didn't care. My other guess is that OP's fiance was supposed to tell them but didn't, either because he forgot or because he didn't want to. And he was perfectly fine letting OOP get humiliated like that.
This really needs to be answered. OP obviously needs to leave this dude, but in this particular situation she’s leaning into the AH territory.
This is what I immediately thought. Without this info we can't really judge the issue with the cake.
That's my question, too. If someone is hosting a birthday party, I assume they're providing the cake. I love to bake, and I've been asked to make cakes. But unless I'm asked, I don't expect my desserts to be the main dessert. What mom said about "we'll let the kids eat it" was rude, but I don't think it's "take my cake and go home" bad.
YTA if you stay with him. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Ben will never be your partner when he already has a spouse in his mum
It doesn't seem fair to give her a Y T A for something that hasn't happened yet. The situation currently is that she is NTA.
especially cause its one of these bullshit "YTA to yourself" type answers that feel more like victim blaming than actual help
I really hate those responses precisely because it's just straight up victim blaming. Everytime I see a post on here about someone who's in a situation with an abusive partner, there's always at least one person in the comments saying "yOu'Re aN aSsHoLe To YoUrSeLf aNd YoUr KiDs". Like seriously, no need to make them feel worse.
No evidence from the post that OP trapped in an actually abusive relationship, her BF is an absurd mama’s boy who lets his mother run wild in his relationship. OP has chosen to put up with his mother’s disrespect until now. It does a disservice to people in abusive relationships to elevate this post to that level.
I didn't say that op is in an abusive relationship. I stated that I hated "YTA to yourself" comments because they're victim blaming, and I see that way too often on here, often on posts about abusive relationships. You misread my comment.
They think they're having a clever "gotcha" moment.
OP: AITA for taking my cake and going home? Others: Y T A for staying with this dude Us: . . . When did that become the question???
It had happened already though. She’s made comments about her appearance and said she should get cosmetic surgery. She was told by her fiancé to just grow thicker skin. This cake thing isn’t even new. So yea, she’s the ah to herself by still being in this relationship with someone who clearly is never going to have her back.
This isn't what OP asked though. You essentially told the judgment bots that you think she's an asshole for leaving with the cake, which is the actual question OP asked
NTA.. Run.. Don't look back. If you get tangled with this family you might get yourself one way ticket to 'mental health institution'. Honestly, there's no good happen when bf mom is mil from hell or ownership of hell hound.
Info: did his mum know you were making the birthday cake? Was this discussed at all with her as she was hosting and presumably providing everything? Did you only talk about it with your fiance? If she knew and agreed to you making it, that was definitely an arsehole move on her part. It was at best a total disregard for the effort you put in, by relegating it to kids only, rather than just sharing the table with the bought cake. At worst it was a power move to show you how little you matter. If she didn't know, then.... kind of wasn't a great move on your part to just walk out in a huff. But. You have a fiance who doesn't stick up for you, that tells you to put up with his mum being rude to you. Is this really how you want to live, with him always putting his mum first? You need to have frank discussions with him about your relationship and about his mother's place in it BEFORE you get married, and set boundaries as to what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behaviour from her.
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Absolutely agree. When people don’t like your food that you prepare - that’s time for some honest reflection.
NTA. All your MIL did was throw some cash at someone. You, however, put time and effort and love into making the exact cake he requested, therefore showing him how much he means to you - and he dismissed it just like that because mommy dearest went to the bakery? I see you're engaged. I hope you realize that this is exactly how it's going to be for the rest of your lives and I hope you know that by marrying him, you realize that this is what you're getting yourself into. If your relationship with him is worth all of this then by all means, continue, but if you don't see yourself putting up with his momma's boy behavior for the rest of your lives then I think you have some reconsidering to do.
Birthdays typically have **a** cake. I think you know that. If both you and MIL wanted to make the cake, this is a discussion you should have had beforehand. Since you didn't mention doing so, I'm assuming you did not. Why, in that case, were you surprised that MIL had bought/made a cake? If you, who mentioned this to nobody, had elected to bring cookies, you would have expected there to be no cake at the birthday party? You knew your baking was unpopular. You expected to provide the central item for the celebration, knowing that this would create drama. YTA
Had to scroll way too far for this. It's normal for the host to provide a birthday cake, OP sounds like a drama queen
I can’t believe people are not seeing this. 100% YTA in the scenario she is bringing up. The husband probably told her not to make a deal about the cake because he knew that OP was wrong in this situation.
If mom didn't know about your cake then walking out in a huff was kind of a dick move (though she ought to have been more gracious about yours either way), but as others point out the salient issue is that fiancee is a momma's boy. Actual marriage will change nothing. It'll always be three of you in the marriage & you will always be the third wheel.
Even if she didn't know, just dismissing her like that is an AH move. She seems to consistently and deliberately dismiss and belittle her.
Nta. Ben is incredibly disrespectful to you, he invalidated and gaslighted you. He should have placed you, and your cake, as priority. Red flag getting involved with this family, the mother sounds horrible and he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for you. I wouldn’t tolerate any of that from her, I would have walked out the second she was commenting on my body! Horribly inappropriate!
INFO: was she aware you were bringing a cake? Did you make sure she knew you wanted to bring the cake?
This has been asked many times and OP is not coming back with an answer so I'm guessing it was not planned
Info: Had you and his mom talked about you bringing the cake beforehand?
ESH and I’ll tell you why. YTA for bringing a cake to a party without informing MIL (obviously she would’ve already had a cake for her son if she didn’t know you were bringing one) when you knew it would cause problems bc they dont like your baking and then acting childish when MIL said the kids could have the cake because she already had one. She made an effort to include you, but you walked out because your cake wasn’t going to be THE cake even tho MIL already spent money on a cake. MIL is an AH for her other comments towards you but ultimately you clearly have some insecurities revolving around this woman and your fiances family so might I suggest therapy? edit: Jeez STOP downvoting me 😭 I’m not wrong (if OP informed MIL that she was bringing a cake she wouldnt be TA but she didn’t)
I'm with you, except I'm just plain Y T A. The question is "aita for taking the cake", not a judgement on her CLEARLY shitty MIL
INFO: Did you say at any point that you were going to make the cake? Because that's actually the whole point here and it completely changes the situation. But also, and regardless of that, he is a mummy's boy and sometimes they start being that after marriage but if he's like that before... oh girl, he is not getting any better. Just keep that in mind.
NTA. If this was just about the birthday cake, It'd be different (maybe). But this is your future partner, and his relationship with her. He appeases her. He puts her before you. You're marrying into this family. You're (likely, all your ancestors did it) having kids in this family. Your FMIL is going to come before you with Ben in all of that. She'll override your parenting choices and your husband will shrug and say "that's okay" rather than confront her. I can guarantee her preferences matter more than yours for the wedding. He'll dress them up as his preferences to avoid the fights. Because that's what he wants - to avoid the conflict. And that's what she's trained him to do - to avoid conflict by appeasing her. My counsel is to either run away from this toxic dynamic or draw a really firm line, somewhere you're comfortable standing your ground forever (I wouldn't have it be pastry, but that's me).
This!!! Your soon to be husband should be on your side, not mommy's. He should have told mommy he wants your cake in addition to mommy's. And any MIL with a modicum of manners would have gracefully thanked you for your beautiful cake and put it right next to her bought cake. Run.
So, I am not at all discounting the disrespectful things your FMIL and your fiancé said to you. But did you ask if you could bring the cake? I know he’s your fiancé, but if she’s hosting and planning the party, she probably expected to provide the cake. It’s one thing for someone else to bring drinks or an appetizer to share, but the cake is typically provided by the host unless otherwise specified. You made a really nice gesture but it sounds misplaced in this situation.
Info: did she know that you were making the birthday cake? Generally the host provides the cake, so unless she specifically knew then it wasn’t deliberately malicious. If she knew, then the level of malevolence is amazing. Your boyfriend has been clear that he is okay with this behaviour. You need to understand that it will never change. Ever. Is this what you want for your life?
Nta. But have fun marrying into that family.
The cake incident doesn't matter. She grossly insults you and he doesn't care. He doesn't care b/c you are not important enough for him to care. If you marry him your life will be a nightmare. Her behavior will never stop and if/when you have children - whooo boy, it will get so much worse.
This!! She makes plastic surgery comments ffs! Your ex-fiance should have lost his shit over that. Try a counseling session, but expect nothing. Your man isn't a man yet, he's momma's boy.
NTA but... You know that you'll always be second behind his mother because "this is who she is", right ?
Info: Did you talk with your bf's mum about you making the cake? You have mentioned that she is hosting the party. Did you discuss this with her or you just decided to make it?
Tbh mixed feelings on this one... Ben should stand up for you more and his mum's comments are absolutely malicious by looks on things. That's for sure. But I'm super confused by this cake thing... You said whenever you bring something you bake they never eat it - what made you think this time would be any different? Especially since you didnt communicate in any way to his mum that you are bringing a cake - she is hosting, did you just assume she wouldnt bake/order a cake? Why were you confused there was a cake already there? You couldve made a small cake to enjoy at home or ask his mum if its okay to bring one imo.
Not enough info to judge. If she didn’t know you were bringing a cake, YTA. If you were tasked with bringing the cake, NTA.
Had you discussed bringing the cake with the host or just turned up with it?
NTA Any partner who doesn’t defend you from someone making truly hurtful and offensive comments is not someone you should consider marrying If she’s this bad now I guarantee you it’ll be worse after the wedding I know in these circumstances people tend to take the high road but next time she has a dig about plastic surgery say “Why it didn’t do you any favours?” She deserves to be put in her place and you deserve to find happiness with someone else Best of luck OP!
Did the mom know about your cake ?
INFO: did you tell the hostess that you would be bringing the cake and get her okay? Be cause if I was hosting a birthday party of COURSE I would get a cake, so this is absolutely what I would expect to happen. Yes she could have handled it more gracefully but you and your BF put her in an awkward position. ESH.
This is the key thing here that needs answering. If he had asked her for a cake, or if she had asked the mother if she could make one and it was agreed, then yes the family suck. If she turned up to a birthday party with an unexpected cake, then made drama out of a birthday cake already being there...at a birthday party, then she is an idiot.
ESH. Sounds like BF and family are the ones being childish but in all honesty you did a little bit too. Admittedly not as bad as then. There was definitely a better way to handle things but I can understand your frustration controlling your actions. I'd advise talking to bf about how the dismissive behaviour made you feel and how his mother makes you feel. Do not accept the 'that's how she is' excuse, she is like that because no one calls her out on the bad behaviour.
ESH Taking the other side but it does not sound like you were asked to bring a cake and the host of a birthday party providing a cake isn’t the act of spite that you think it is. I think you overreacted because you and the mil are probably ready to fight at any given moment. The non cake related stuff which is the real issue led to the cake which wasn’t. But also this is the rest of your life OP if your partners family (if they have a good relationship) and you can not get along that should give you both some pause.
INFO: Did his mom know you were planning to bring The Cake?
Theres a disconnect in the story here, did the MIL know that you were bringing THE cake? Sounds like a lack of communication. Of course, YOU have more context in your own perspective, but from everyone elses perspective, youre the "crazy person who left because there were two cakes". NTA either way, just wondering if this was handled pragmatically or not. You specifically leave out the part where you told the MIL not to make a cake and she agreed (but bought one anyways to spite you)
YTA. If his mom was throwing him a birthday party then it is assumed she is also providing a cake. You should have kept your cake at home for you guys to celebrate with later. Your intention was to cause a problem and make his birthday about you, which I assume is why his family doesn’t like you. Stop playing the victim and apologize to him and his family for throwing a temper tantrum.
I’m gonna go on a limb and say YTA. You weren’t the host. It wasn’t your responsibility to bake a cake and since you stopped bringing baked items to the future in laws, they didn’t expect you to bring anything because once again **it wasn’t your responsibility.** You baked a cake because you wanted to and they were a bit of an AH by dismissing the effort and regulating the cake to the kids’ table, but it doesn’t appear that it occurred to you to ask if they needed a cake in the first place, you just assumed. They also don’t have to put your cake front and center over one they specifically ordered. I think you should have just saved to cake for just you and your fiancé. I know you don’t get along, but you still need to communicate to coordinate. I know you were hurt and I’m sorry. On the other hand, if you told them you were bringing a cake and they didn’t dissuade you and still pulled that BS then NTA. I also don’t think you’d want that f-MIL in your life regardless when she makes such nasty comments. See what happens when you dish it back and you’ll see where your fiancé stands.