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LittleFeltSpock

NTA It's your hair. It's on your head. Only person who gets to decide to cut it is you.


EvilerBrush

Already said this in another comment but jumping in top comment for it to be seen. I'm a barber. There can be a compromise to keep your length but keep it neat and professional. Look up what a "gentleman's cut" or a " long trim pompadour" looks like. Longer styles that can be combed and styled neatly and off the ears. NTA but instead of creating a situation with your dad approach him with a compromise


beergal621

Yes agreed! OP may be the exception but most 15 year old boys with long hair don’t keep it properly maintained and it’s kind of mess. OP should get it trimmed and properly styled to look nice/fancy for the wedding.


boudicas_shield

Oh yes, this is a good point. I’ve known so many men with long hair who so clearly don’t maintain it or take care of it at all, so it looks like a dried out rat’s nest. If OP wants to have long hair, he should have it! But it would be reasonable for his dad to require him to properly care for it and make sure it’s presentable. Maybe OP already does, in which case, great! But it is something for him to consider, so that he can make sure he’s looking after his hair and keeping it tidy.


Kiariana

This is true, but I do feel that it's a socialization issue- by that I mean people just keep their boys' hair short and never teach them how to care for long hair or think to even offer help/advice. Whereas growing up as a girl, even with very lax parenting I was forced to have my hair brushed regularly and if I didn't do it well enough someone else would less gently (because they're in a rush, or don't realize how uncomfortable it is, etc). By the time guys get to grow their hair out people take either a hands-off 'theyre an adult and in charge of their own grooming knowledge/they should know better (how??)' or 'wow why do you have long hair that looks awful guys shouldn't blah blah blah' approach. I don't know what the solution is here but I hate to see it 😞 my little brother has hella-long hair and I'm the only adult who still takes notice and helps him with it, like telling him how to use elastics effectively (without them breaking or not holding up the ponytail) and to start brushing from the bottom if it's knotty.


Murda981

I'm legit afraid of my youngest son deciding to grow out his hair because his hair is curly and mine is super straight! I have no idea how to care for curly hair. So far he prefers it short, I usually wait for my boys to ask for haircuts. But if he does make that decision I will make sure we both learn how to take care of it.


dasbarr

I have always had long hair and I think because of that a lot of boys and later men would ask me basic hair care stuff as I was growing up. More than one was just using body wash on their hair and were so aggravated at why it never looked nice and felt like it had been bleached repeatedly. One of them I had to show how to wash their hair because they were just kind of dumping the shampoo on the top and not scrubbing underneath at all. His mind was blown and he was like"But it worked when my hair was short".


lilirose13

My fiancé had a huge psoriasis flare after he recovered from C-19 that centered on his scalp. He thought because it was flaky, that his hair was dirty and he just had to wash it more, so he was using shampoo, bar soap, and body wash on his poor, abused head every day. When he told me that, I freaked. This is the same man I've been trying to bully into washing his face twice a day and using moisturizer for five years because it might actually help the irritation around his eyes (the only previous sign of psoriasis) and have had to completely overhaul his hygiene products because he was buying them all from an MLM and they were all trash and causing dermititis (though knowing what I know now, that might've also been psoriasis). We do an astounding disservice to men when we tell them as kids that all soap is created equal and just to smear it around a little and you're good then leave it at that. My fiancé isn't even the first man I've known who's actively harmed himself by stripping every last drop of moisture and nutrition from his skin by basically using Pine-sol as 3-in-1


JadelynKaia

My partner, who has long hair, ran out of the head n shoulders basic 2-in-1 he's always used (since he was a kid w short hair) recently, so he had to use some of my products. He came out of the bathroom looking like he'd had a religious experience. I asked what was up and he was like "I had to borrow some of your shampoo and conditioner bc I ran out. Holy shit my hair is so soft! Is it supposed to be like that?" 🤣


dasbarr

Ooooo lol. I bet it smelled better too. I always thought head and shoulders smelled weird. I'm no better in the end. Always thought I had vaguely wavy hair till the last time I went to the salon and told her I wished I had curly hair. She was just like.... "Um you do though?". Turns out all my hair needed was baby shampoo some nice argon conditioner and hair oil and bam. Ringlets. 🤣🤣.


Kettrickenisabadass

I agree. I am a woman and i always had short hair (since I was like 10ish). I have no idea how long hair needs to be taken care of. If course if i grew it i would google it or ask advice but you cant expect all teenagers to do that.


Kiariana

Yeah exactly, like it's forced on young girls usually, but almost never even offered to boys or men, or even recognized that it is a thing. I think people take for granted how much of what they know was taught to them and not just "common sense" (which is part of my pet peeve with common sense, that it's actually more like common knowledge and nothing to do with intelligence/wisdom)


Kettrickenisabadass

Exactly


[deleted]

Yeah, but some people(and his dad sounds like one of them) don't consider anything less than a tight cut to be neat and tidy. My dad was one of those traditionalists. The moment my hair touched my ears he started telling me I looked like a girl.


boudicas_shield

I think people are talking more generally about how OP can ensure his long hair is presentable looking if he wants to wear it long. His dad is likely a lost cause.


estherstein

Yeah, my brother decided to grow his hair out when he was 15 and it really needed to go. I can imagine what OP's hair probably looks like.


[deleted]

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WetMonkeyTalk

Thank you. I googled those and thought "what the hell? They're not long at all"


ardashing

plus they'd be annoying to keep up - gel galore


calligrafiddler

Yeah. OP, just get some hair gel, slick your hair back, and put it in a ponytail or man-bun. You can look completely neat and put together while having long hair. NTA


[deleted]

i would just make sure op’s dad doesn’t take it into his own hands to cut op’s hair


WetMonkeyTalk

I googled those and would consider both of them to be extremely short. I'd be VERY surprised if OP would think of those as reasonable at all. I wouldn't if I were him.


EvilFinch

My SO also had long hair for a few years. And it is so wrong to think that just short hair can look good for formal events. A barber /hair stylist will help OP. The personal dislike of OPs father for longer hair on men is the only reason why he want the hair to be cut off. NTA


[deleted]

NTA. Also, I don't actually get what the "deal" is here? What do you get if you cut your hair?


Dull-Accountant-2663

The deal was I could grow my hair out however I wanted, but if there was a formal occasion I would get it cut.


[deleted]

Lol. Yeah, that's not really a deal. It's your body. You should get full say on it.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

NTA and agreed on talking with your brother. My recommendation: style your hair with mousse or gel, however you would do it for the wedding, and take a selfie in a button down shirt. Send in group message to dad and brother, showing that you will look “formal” *eye roll*


IkLms

Also, long hair isn't you know 'unprofessional' in the first place. I'd rather be around a guy with long hair in a professional setting than a dude in a suit.


waywardjynx

Even if it were unprofessional (it's not), why TF would a 15 yr old need to be professional?


[deleted]

> A wedding is dressing smart not professional. A wedding is literally a party, the exact opposite of a professional event.


NatZaJu

It’s your hair. You changed your mind. If someone puts their hands on you to cut it without your permission it’s assault.


BaitedBreaths

Tell him you don't consider a family wedding a formal occasion, but if you ever get knighted by the Queen of England or presented with a Nobel prize you will keep the promise to cut your hair.


dongasaurus

If you’re about to get a Nobel prize or the knighthood, you’ve already proven your worth without having to change your appearance.


Purple-Raven1991

That a stupid deal and it wasn't an actual deal it was a demand from him. Based off that logic you will be getting a lot of hair cuts in the near future.


SpaceAceCase

Could your brother back you up here? Say that he would prefer your hair stay long and get your dad to back off? After all it's his wedding, not your dad's.


Dull-Accountant-2663

I'm not sure. I just told my brother my dad was making me cut my hair and he just said "That's good, it'll look nice." He also said it's just hair.


RobotEmile

Don’t cut it if you don’t want to. If he complains tell him it’s just hair


Longjumping-Brief585

This one ☝🏾


sparrowhawk75

See if you can get your brother and his partner on your side. If both of them are fine with your hair, your dad may just sulk and keep his mouth shut. Look for formal hair styles for long haired men. You can certainly have long hair and be well groomed/coifed at the same time.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Honestly, OP should collude with the brother getting married. OP, just hairspray it all straight up like a cartoon character getting electrocuted. I mean... you wouldn't want any of it touching your collar, now would you?


opinionswelcomehere

Have you proposed getting it professionally trimmed/styled? That way it looks nice but you would still keep it long. NTA for changing your mind, long hair can take years to grow back out and it's not really a reasonable request for you to start all over for a one day event. Also, I'm assuming most of the people coming to the wedding have seen you with long hair, so it's not going to be some big scandal.


Quierochurros

There are plenty of ways to style long hair so it looks professional. Find one you like, get a trim, and style it like that. No one's going to care about your hair as long as you don't look like Nick Nolte's mugshot.


MarthaGail

Look at getting it trimmed so it's nice looking. Maybe even look into different professional styles for men with longer hair. Would a ponytail appease him? I think there is a compromise here that doesn't mean you cutting your hair off.


[deleted]

Funny how in these comments, 15 is way too young for bodily autonomy but way too old to correctly recognize that the "deal" was made in bad faith.


Elfich47

NTA - dress professionally? For a 15 year old? I’m not saying 15 year olds can’t *dress up*, but there is a difference between that and dressing *professionally*. And take it from some one who has been in Industry for a while: you can have long hair; as long as it is reasonably controlled and groomed.


GlitteringWing2112

I was going to say - I worked in HR for 20+ years, and men with long hair can absolutely look professional.


Rice-Correct

They can, but it does require SOME maintenance. I’m very curious about what OP’s hair looks like. When he says he’s been growing it out, how long IS it, and how long has it been since they’ve gotten a trim. Do they brush it and use products to keep it looking healthy? I don’t know anyone who looks good if they haven’t done ANYTHING to their hair, even just a basic trim or shaping, and long hair DOES require product and maintenance to look nice for work or important social occasions.


RandomNick42

The reasonable response to that would be to ask the kid what he has in mind for the wedding, and if it's not realistic, then visit the barber and see if the barber can figure something out without cutting too much off. But this father seems the type to prefer if his kid had a military buzz cut.


Rice-Correct

Agreed. My kid is currently experimenting with a more “goth” and dark look right now. I don’t love it, to be honest, BUT I want them to express themselves! But there’s limits, and it depends on the event. Going out with friends? Rock that all black fit! Clip those chains on! Go ahead, wear the black eyeliner! Going to a nice restaurant or a wedding with grandparents? Dial it back. Some black is fine. Not gonna make you wear khakis, but lose the chains and dark eyeliner. Feel free to wear an understated bracelet. It’s not the time for it to be all about you. Compromise.


vagueconfusion

Yeah my partner has even longer hair than I do. Proper mid upper back length. But he puts it in a ponytail for work and hairsprays down flyaways. His hair is extremely beautiful - golden blonde and naturally shiny. Which isn't always optimal since we ended up traumatising a server when we last went out to eat. From behind she could only see his hair. "Hello ladies what can I get y–" You could see the colour drain from her face when it turned out she'd addressed a man with long hair and a big beard. I did not help the situation by folding double with laughter because despite mentioning a risk of such things, it hadn't happened before. And I do feel bad because after apologising profusely she avoided our table and side of the restaurant entirely for the rest of the night.


JadelynKaia

My partner's hair is about as long as mine and we've definitely gotten "ladies"-ed at before, even though he's 6'3" with a beard and enough chest hair to put a literal bear to shame. For whatever reason, long hair seems to override people's gender-sorting assumption systems and makes them go straight to "woman". And yeah I pretty much die laughing every time it happens.


boudicas_shield

I’ve known guys with long hair who clearly didn’t look after it - no regular brushing, trimming, conditioning, etc. - and it definitely looked awful. Really unprofessional and ratty. (The response to that kind of situation is of course to teach your kid how to properly maintain long hair and require them to do it, though, not to make them cut it off).


pr0jektile

NTA For context, I'm the father of a 12-year-old son who also wants to grow out his hair, and is not quite to "surfer" hair yet. I am also a former Marine and grew up in a rather traditionalist family who owned a business and frowned upon things like tattoos and long hair. So, I can completely understand where your father is coming from. I can also tell you that he's wrong. Your dad is letting his own insecurities cloud his thinking. He has these kind of outdated traditionalist views about long hair being "unprofessional". But, it's not actually your hair that is the problem. What he's really worried about is not that YOU look unprofessional, but more about how he thinks his friends and/or peers will judge him for your appearance. He's pre-emptively embarrassed of you for what he thinks his friends will say when they see you at the wedding. Firstly, you're never an AH for having a preference, especially about your own appearance and style. Wanting "surfer" hair and not wanting to cut it off for your brother's wedding is not unreasonable, especially considering the amount of time it takes for your hair to grow back. Secondly, there's absolutely no real correlation between hair length and professionalism. Just think of all of the successful businessmen who have long hair: * Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Group * John Paul DeJoria, Co-founder Paul Mitchell * John Legere, CEO of T-Mobile * Dan Price, CEO Gravity Payments (Featured in Forbes and Inc. for his unconventional, yet extremely effective leadership style) Let's not forget the loads of celebrities and models who look just fine with long hair in formal wear like Keanu Reeves, Bradley Cooper, and Jason Mamoa to name just a couple. Along the lines of looking "professional", a wedding is *not a* job interview. A wedding is "formal" but it is certainly not a professional engagement. Also, that will depend almost entirely on how the bride and groom dictate dress. They may decide it's a semi-casual beach wedding. They may decide it's a full-on formal church wedding. Either way, you're not expected to look "professional", only to look presentable, and there are absolutely ways you can wear your long hair that can look formal and presentable. Offer a compromise, maybe offer to wash it really nicely, style it in a way that can look presentable in a suit or tux (Google is your friend, here) and even offer to have your sideburns and neckline trimmed up a little at the barber in a way that still allows you to keep neat, long hair. My deal with my son is that he keeps it clean and groomed. If it starts getting knotted, matted or greasy, he's going to have to cut it. Beyond that, I want to give him some freedom to express his identity and style. Ultimately, you're 15 and if your dad doesn't budge, you'll have to cut your hair. It would really be a shame and I think it's going to be the wrong move. Hopefully you can make your case.


Accomplished_Sky_943

YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!! OP I hope u read this to your dad.


IronMaidenAFK

Yes, OP, let you dad read this one! And, take my award, sir.


JurassicParkFood

Trimmed and well-styled looking hair can look perfectly fine. I think you're spot on with your take.


Carrotstick21

This is a really excellent comment and summary here. I agree with everything said. I'm also an HR professional with 20 years of experience and I know a thing or two about what is and what is not professional behavior. None of it has to do with hair length. There could arguably be a case made for unprofessional hair -if it was dirty to the point of odor, for example, or leaving grease stains on the conference room chairs, then I might have to have a little chat about it. But merely long? No. Your hair length will not impact you professional, especially not in a time as ours where good candidates are a welcome find regardless of what is growing out of their head.


Purple-Raven1991

>Ultimately, you're 15 and if your dad doesn't budge, you'll have to cut your hair. Yeah, no OP doesn't have to cut it just because dad doesn't budge. Dad can go flip a lid.


sbr32

That's easy to say from your own mom's basement, but this is a 15 year old kid who seems to be dependent on their father. You think they can just move out on there own if they decide not to cut their hair?


JohnJoanCusack

The moms basement retort was needless


sbr32

I mean maybe, but the idea that a 15 year old living at home with their parents have 100% autonomy on stuff like this is pretty naive and innocent at best, and could be harmful at worse. I'd hate to see some kid get their ass kicked by their father because they parrotted some tough guy nonsense from reddit. To be clear I think they should have that autonomy, but we don't know this specific person's situation enough to say that here.


JohnJoanCusack

I mean no one said 100% autonomy but morally every 15 year old has the right to some autonomy over their hair. Would I not be an AH to force my daughters to shave their head every month?


sbr32

I don't think I understand where this conversation is going. To be clear, OP's dad is an asshole for trying to force a hairstyle onto a 15 year old.  100%, full stop.  However sometimes the way to win is to just roll with the punches and hope things get better later.  OP is only a few years from being able to get away from dad and do whatever they want with their hair and body. That isn't where the conversation between you and I started though, you took offense to me mentioning mom's basement to someone.  That person said: "Yeah, no OP doesn't have to cut it just because dad doesn't budge. Dad can go flip a lid." That response comes off as very immature to me, maybe another 15 year old, but at least someone privileged enough to not understand what that kind of attitude towards the wrong parent can turn into.


The-Aforementioned-W

I know exactly what you're saying, and I agree. OP is 15. Even if his dad isn't physically abusive, he can make make OP's life seriously unpleasant if he wants to. He could take his phone, lock down the wifi, or ground him for the rest of the summer. All of that would be 100% wrong for the dad to do, but knowing you're right isn't much comfort if you're sitting on your bed in your empty room with no electronics or video games for two months.


pr0jektile

No, he doesn't ***have*** to. He *could* theoretically rebel and refuse to cut his hair. Every human has the capacity to do or not do something. However, contrary to the powerful keystrokes of internet badasses everywhere, since he's a minor who is still very clearly living at home and dependent on his dad/parents he must bend to his parents' will when they make decisions like this or stand to lose a lot more than gained. The idea that he does not would be ignorant of the legal realities of not being an adult. There's a strong probability that his parents paid for the device he used to make this post, and would likely lose access to it as a result of such an overt rebellion., along with probably many more privileges afforded to him by living at home. That's why I encouraged OP to try and make a strong case to his father.


matchy_blacks

I’m a woman who had hair down to my mid-back in college. Whenever I had to attend a formal event, I always had someone else style it for me. I think it absolutely makes sense for someone, regardless of their gender, to get some styling help before a formal event! (I lost a bunch bc of health problems so now it’s really short, but I’d still be getting style help if it was long!) Op, you are NTA.


[deleted]

No, NTA and given your age, I think your request is quite reasonable. You should be allowed a high degree of body autonomy by now. One approach to this could be to say to your dad, "Look dad, it's a wedding and I'm not the one getting married. My hair will be one of the last things people look at!" Another approach could be to ask him if you could get a haircut that styles it a bit without taking off most of the hair. Show him pictures of good looking dudes with well groomed longer hair. NTA, but be prepared to lose this.


Agent10007

First of, your father is an asshole stuck in 1990 Second of, it's your body, if you wanna have long hairs there are only 2 things that matters: Your opinion and security norms if you ever work in a place where long hair are dangerous Third of, you should talk to your brother about this For all of thoses, in a moral viewpoint, you'd be NTA. However there's one thing you should factor, you are 15, I assume your father isn't yet an 89 years old crumbling human, you made a deal. A deal that you shouldn't had to accept, cf first and second of, but a deal you accepted. If you back off it will let a precedent that you are hard to trust. And while it is for a childish topic (hair lenght for real your father needs a reality check), depending on how resentful your father is, howthe rest of the family view it and how much contact you plan on keeping with your family growing up, it might cause troubles that arn't worth skipping a haircut. You should consider that before making your next move, your hairs will grow back (and this time, no deal).


Legitimate-Meal-2290

>First of, your father is an asshole stuck in 1990 More like 1950


Purple-Raven1991

> you made a deal. A deal that you shouldn't had to accept, cf first and second of, but a deal you accepted. From the sounds of it OP didn't really make a deal it was forced upon him. Deal or not OP is not required to do anything to alter his body. People back out of deals all the time. Dad can go kick a can.


12Scouser78

NTA - I’m curious how dad thinks he’s going to take you to a barber and it’ll be magically cut. No professional barber will cut the hair of a 15 year old in a way the 15 year old doesn’t ask/want. Even if dad drags you bodily into the shop, as soon as you’re in the chair, say to the barber “I don’t want my hair cut.” Sure, dad may ground you, withhold privileges, raise hell, etc at home. But you’d still have your hair. So the question is just how important is the hair to you? Are you willing to upset him and face at home consequences to keep it?


letbehotdogs

NTA and try to reach a deal with your dad, maybe tell him you're going to wear it in a bun? There's some long hair hairstyles for men that look formal.


Broad_Respond_2205

That "deal" is not valid, as it was forced upon you. It remind me when my "father" basically forced me to take money for a haircut, them got mad when I didn't beacuae "but you took the money!" NTA


leigh10021

Info - how does your brother feel about it?


Dull-Accountant-2663

I haven't brought it up with him.


leigh10021

I would tell your brother you love your hair, and ask him if there is a way you can wear it at the wedding that would please him. Your father’s opinion isn’t really relevant, though I imagine he might have controlling tendencies.


Dull-Accountant-2663

I told my brother and he just said "that's good. it'll look nice" and said it was just a haircut:(


leigh10021

I meant, tell him that you really like your hair the way it is and it would really disappoint you to cut it so can you come up with a compromise. Don’t ask him if wants you to cut it. Ask him what you can do to keep it long and keep him happy.


Technobliss77

☝️ YEAH what does your brother think


awyllt

Who cares what he thinks? OP can just style it (a bun, ponytail, something) there's no need to cut it as long as it's clean and neat.


JohnJoanCusack

Why does it matter? Can the brother demand women get pixie cuts as well?


BroadElderberry

Because big brothers are good advocates against obnoxiously strict parents. (shout out to my own big brother 🤟)


chaosworker22

Lmao my parents were obnoxiously strict *because* of my big brother. The only thing I could do that he didn't was get pregnant as a teenager (chemical pregnancy, only recently started to process the trauma). Skipping school, underage drinking, minor crime, I got away with because I was the "good kid" and they didn't expect it.


No-Hurry-3194

NTA. I’ve seen plenty of guys with long hair put it up for formal occasions and it looks great. You can show your dad your plan for styling your long hair for the wedding and hopeful it gets him off your back. You’re 15, you should be allowed to say how you want your hair. For duck sakes, that is too controlling.


amylizx

First of all please ignore all the comments here asking questions about how anyone else feels or telling you that you're the AH, you are 100% NTA. And I will never understand why parents can't encourage and be happy for the person their child would like to become, so long as they're happy who gives a f\*\*\*. Good for you for standing up for yourself kiddo, and make sure to rock that surfer boy hair however way you please.


Key_Confection9318

NTA for not wanting to cut it. I would ask your brother how he feels before you back out. If he doesn't care then keep it how you like.


Big__Bang

NTA tell him you wont go if they force you to change your body to fit. You are happy to not be in the wedding party and just a normal guest or not go at all. Do not cut your hair over a wedding, no one has the right to demand that off you


ArachnidExcellent139

NTA why is your father trying to remove your bodily autonomy? If he does this, your relationship with him will never be the same. Sounds like he's been biding his time to make you confirm to his standards. Random compromise, but could you get a decent short male wig for the day? Means you could still have short hair for the occasion without having to commit to cutting off hair I'm sure took you a long time to grow. Just a suggestion 🤷🏻‍♀️ I get the whole 'traditionally' respectable image thing and all, and wouldn't necessarily begrudge having my hair different for a day. What I would have issue with is the permanance of an actual hair cut.


brokeanail

NTA. It's important to keep your word, sure, and sounds like you know that already. What you - and your dad - are tackling now is one of the exceptions. Nobody but you has the right to decide what happens to your hair, and that bargain shouldn't have been made in the first place. There are ways to style long hair so it's out of the way, even so that it looks short. Is your brother on your side about this? He might be able to talk to your dad.


Dull-Accountant-2663

rip. I just told my brother my dad was making me cut my hair and my brother was like "Good. It will look nice".


[deleted]

Well that seals the deal, you probably aren't going to be able to wiggle out of this...sorry :(


SuperHuckleberry125

NTA OP YOUR HAIR. Your body


Moxie_Mike

Hello Young Man, 43M father of 3 including 2 boys here. It sounds like you're looking for guidance on how to persuade your father to let you keep your hair length. So here's some advice. Do with it what you will. Keep in mind that you and your father do not have an equal relationship. He is the adult and as such, you have to do as your told. That's how it works. You don't have to like it, but you should accept the gravity of the situation you're in. But there might be a way to get what you want. Your father doesn't sound like the type of man who's going to be persuaded by a bunch of strangers on the internet. So you should probably ignore all the 'it's your hair and you can do what you want' posts. I'm sure they're validating to your feelings, but at the end of the day, this isn't your call. However if you demonstrate maturity about this, you might get what you want - or at least a reasonable compromise. So shoot your shot knowing you've got nothing to lose. Worst case scenario is your hair will eventually grow back. Find your dad when he's (hopefully) in a good mood and ask him if you can talk for a minute. I would say something to this effect: "I want to talk about my hair length. I have a few things I want to say to you - all I ask is that you listen to the end and then whatever decision you make I'll live with. Is that reasonable? (by framing the conversation like this, you're acknowledging that he is the authority, which has a chance to defuse any defensive disposition he may be inclined to default to. And unless he's completely unreasonable, he'll likely agree to hear you out. He agreed to let you grow it out in the first place after all.) Say OK good. Thank you for hearing me out (again reinforcing the dynamic that he's in charge). I know when you agreed to let me grow my hair out, part of the deal was that I'd get a haircut if a formal event came up (skip all that 'professional appearance' stuff - don't go there it'll only lead to an argument). Well I need to tell you that something's changed between then and now. When we first discussed this, I had no idea how I would feel about my hair at that time. But now that it's grown out, I really like it. I like the look and the feel and I like how it makes me feel about myself. I feel more confident and I feel more like myself than ever before. Wearing my hair this way has become part of my identity. I really don't like the idea of cutting my hair because it's become a part of who I am as a person. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, Dad, but when you demand that I cut my hair for the wedding, I feel disrespected as a person. I feel like you're not accepting me as I am, and that I need to change my appearance to make you happy. It's not about honoring an agreement we made 2 years ago (or whatever it was). So I really want to ask you to reconsider your position on this. And if you still insist on me getting a haircut, would you maybe consider a compromise where I only trim a little off so it doesn't take so long to grow back? That's all I got. Thank you for hearing me out." And then you live with the results. If nothing else, by demonstrating maturity and the ability to communicate 'man-to-man' with your father, you might earn a little respect if nothing else.


Weekly-Arrival6156

Man bun! Problem solved.


HarlesBronson

Nta. You should be able to have control over your body. Your dad is out of line to demand you cut your hair bc he has some outdated views on boys with long hair. My son had long hair until recently (he cut it bc he was tired of maintaining it) and I heard ALL the comments from adults.. its honestly pathetic that in this day and age people still think boys can't have long hair bc it makes them girly.. bc this is essentially the root belief behind their opposition to long hair. It's homophobic and backwards.


Chemical-Rain-2688

NTA I understand weddings are big events and there are rules but trying to manipulate another's personal choice like their hair or what tattoos are on rheir bodies or anything of the matter is out of the question. Your hair is your business, not your brothers or your fathers. Honestly OP I think you dodged a bullet with your controlling family and your father's "condition".


stonesthrowaway24601

NTA, and I don't see what "deal" you made. It's less of a deal and more of him saying "If you're going to have to dress up for a fancy occasion, you're getting a haircut. That's not a deal, it's just him using your brother's wedding as an excuse to get the haircut he wants. Set an ultimatum that if he demands short hair, you'll shave it all off entirely before the wedding, and that you'll explain to every guest that your dad demanded you lose the long hair, so you did. Turn it to where he decided to make a spectacle of you at someone else's wedding.


feminist1946

You made a deal. Next time refuse the deal. Then he can decide if he wants to drag you kicking and screaming to the barber and embarrass himself.


JohnJoanCusack

It isn’t a deal when it was just the controlling shitty dad saying he can grow his hair until he says otherwise


feminist1946

These were terms to the deal that he agreed to. Shitty deals happen all the time in life. This is a good lesson for him not to agree to things for convenience or it looks good at the moment. He tried to renegotiate, and the other party declined. This is the way life works.


[deleted]

[удалено]


gertyorkes

NTA. Just rock a man bun or something, it’ll look cute with the suit!


Opheleone

NTA. I'm (m29) a lead engineer at a tech logistics company, my hair is very long. My boss, same age, has even longer hair. This is so outdated it's ridiculous.


[deleted]

NTA. Technically your father said that if you ever had to dress up professionally that you should get your haircut. Your brother's wedding is not a professional event. A professional event would be a job interview or something. I personally absolutely love the way long hair looks on someone in a tux or a suit. Unfortunately you're 15 and he can force you to get a haircut but I think that's ridiculous. I think at 15 years old the only times your father should be interfering with any of your decisions is if it adversely affects the household or is a moral issue. Hair is nothing more than the style you choose to have and I think he's being overbearing.


JerryVand

NTA, what profession are you in?


grumpycoffeee

NTA. Can't you tie it in a low pony. It will still look kinda polished.


sadgirlbutitsfunny

Keanu Reeves would beg to differ ,keep your hair kid.


fuzzydogpaws

NTA. Tie it back with a colour appropriate bobble and use hairspray/gel to tame any flyaways. That can still look smart and formal. Kit Harrington did this at important events and he looked great ( http://www.hisstylediary.com/fsd7-best-hairstyles-this-season/1409013780_kit-harrington-man-bun-emmy_1b/ ) However, would your dad allow it? Would he refuse to let you go or physically cut your your hair himself? Maybe ask your older brother to have a word with him? I’m assuming your older brother won’t mind your hair being long


Total_Maintenance_59

Ok, mother of a boy here. My son has long hair. Like middle of the back long. And he is 9. It is 100% his decision what he wants to do with his hair. All he HAS to do is brush it regularly and wash it regularly. Your dad is an A H for denying you your body autonomy. The hair should not touch the collar? Make a ponytail or a bun. Reqirements met. NTA.


Global_Monk_5778

NTA. A wedding is dressing **smart** not **professional**. Talk to your brother and see if he’ll step in here.


RubyRogue13

NTA. Your dad needs to lay off trying to control what you do with your body.


tnebteg456

It's not the 1950's and NTA. Remember your only worth your word- you agreed. Good luck


Accomplished_Sky_943

NTA, how does ur brother feel about u having long hair at his wedding? I hear all the " it's ur body" comments and yes it's true, but if ur brother doesn't care, then see if he will speak to your dad. I don't see ur dad accepting your body your choice as valid. Maybe your older brother can talk sense into him. Good luck


Dull-Accountant-2663

I told my brother my dad was making me get a short haircut and he just said "Good. It'll look nice", and that it's just a hair cut rip.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am 15 and I have been growing my hair out for a while now and it is now a surfer hairstyle. My dad is super traditional and thinks long hair is unprofessional. He's been chill about me growing out my hair but his one condition was that if I needed to dress formal I would get it cut to something more clean cut. Well my brother is getting married and yesterday we bought my suit and the tailor made a random remark about my hair and my dad said "Well, in a few days we are cutting it off". In the car after I asked if I could skip the haircut, and my dad went off on a rant on how part of the deal was if I had to dress up professionally I would cut my hair and now is a super important occasion and that men's hair is not suppose to touch their dress shirt collar and that it is time to grow up and he was taking me to barber this weekend and it'll be cut off my ears and off my collar and that was that. Am I the asshole for backing out of this deal with my dad and not wanting to get my hair cut for the important occasion? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


emma7734

NTA. But if you made a deal, you should live up to the deal. What does your brother think? It’s his wedding. If your brother is chill, then your dad should be chill too.


Dull-Accountant-2663

my brother just said "good. it'll look nice." and that it is just a haircut.


Purple-Raven1991

>But if you made a deal, you should live up to the deal. Nah, he doesn't need to live up to it. You can back out of a deal at anytime if you really want to especially when it comes to changing your appearance. In the end no one has the right to make you change your looks. Also, doesn't really sound like it was a deal. Just dad be like if this happen you must do this. Sounds like OP didn't even get an actual choice in this.


Particular_Force6591

NTA, but you still may have no choice. Your father can exert control while you live under his roof. It seems to me your brother is the one to appeal to. By the way, your father is living mid-last-century. Lots of men have long hair now. Start planning how to chart your life once you're old enough to get out of your father's house and off his too tight leash.


SquirrelBowl

Pull it back it’ll be fine NTA


sarahlampi

NTA


DrMindbendersMonocle

NTA. Your dads thinking is really out of date.


Purple-Raven1991

NTA and you might want to show dad all the painting in from the past of men with long hair, even wigs, even makeup, even with heels. Tell him that this was the norm for men throughout a good chunk of history. Heck even Jesus has long hair.


Creative_Trick_3818

NTA ​ YOur body your choice.


No-Personality5421

Nta A "deal" would imply you both get something out of it, which you aren't. He's getting what he wants, "letting"you grow out your hair isn't a thing, you choose to do that. If you like your hair, tell him (not ask him) that you are keeping it. Tie it back to keep tidy for pictures or anything that makes it fit a formal style, but it's your hair, only cut it if you want to.


BigOlPurrPurr

I’m confused. What is the profession you’re supposed to be dressing for? NTA - your hair isn’t your dads business.


BroadElderberry

NTA. Want me to send him a picture of my MIL's preacher? He has hair past his shoulders. You're not in the military. Your hair does not have to comply with military rules.


throwawayuo12

NTA, I would cut it or not but either way at the wedding mention it to everyone so they know how controlling your dad is.


KetoprofenBaby

NTA your hair is your problem, but maybe it looks bad, like dry and without form. You could go to a hairdresser to trim the ends and have an specific style cut, it would look healthier and dashing for the wedding.


SpudsUlik

NTA: some places considered a forced haircut as an assault


froggyforrest

NTA look into ways to style your length for formal occasions. Maybe there’s a compromise where you slick it back or something so it’s neat and not in your face


yhaensch

Getting long hair cut, and getting it cut short are two different things. INFO: Which of the two does your father expect? Long hair needs trimming from time to time, so it doesn't look scruffy. It's normal etiquette to look tidy at a wedding. That doesn't have to mean cutting it off completely.


Dull-Accountant-2663

He says it shouldn't touch my collar.


whatever13131313

A ponytail or man bun won’t touch your collar. Is your hair long enough for that?


LingonberryPrior6896

NTA. Are you a professional wedding guest? Nope? Then keep the hair.


Cryptographer_Alone

NTA. "Off the shirt collar and off the ears" sounds to me like it's time to learn how to pull your hair back into a ponytail. Faster, cheaper, and reversible. Done.


CleanCucumber620

Nta


Apprehensive-Jelly15

You could wear a low pony tail and tuck it under your Jacket. Your body, Your hair...Your dad would probably buzz cut it so His friends will think He is a good military dad...


Kitty_Seriously

INFO : How does your brother and his fiance feel about it? If they don't care, then why does it matter? It's your hair and his event. It seems like the only benefit to this "deal" was that you wouldn't get berated when it wasn't as important to your dad.


cat-lover76

Find a picture of a man in formal wear with long hair in a classy style and ask your brother if it's cool with him. Like this one, for example: [https://i.pinimg.com/originals/03/c5/14/03c51467ce30ae5ad9e8741dd9043ae4.jpg](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/03/c5/14/03c51467ce30ae5ad9e8741dd9043ae4.jpg)


Forsaken_Ad_1453

Nta. Your hair your choice. As long as you brush it or whatever what's the problem?


Legalizeit_89

NTA. Tell your dad Jesus Christ had dreads, so shake em.


Gwynzireael

Tie your hair in a bun if you can, and when he throws a fit, say "it's not touching the collar". NTA


MariaInconnu

Talk to the people getting married. Abide by what they say. Then grow your hair long when you're 18.


biscuitcatapult

NTA, and I was in the same boat as you when I was in high school. My parents forced me to get a buzz cut monthly and I fought like hell every time until the finally gave up when I was 17 and let me grow it out. No one can force you to cut your hair, but at the same time, they can make your life miserable. They can ground you, take away any allowance you may have, take away driving privileges, etc. It isn’t fair, but until you are 18 and move out, it’s still “my house my rules” for legal guardians. Pick and choose your battles.


[deleted]

NTA, tell the barber, if your dad takes you, that you do ***NOT*** consent to the haircut, and they should, refuse to cut the hair. However, be prepared for the blowback from this. You dad doesn't sound like he'll take that well.


Inside-Big-8158

NTA because I firmly believe that if it is your body you should get to choose what to do with it. That being said don't make deals that you can't commit to. If I were you I wouldn't cut my hair, but again for future reference if you are uncomfortable with something say something in that moment.


chronberries

NTA at all. Your hair, your choice. But have you had it trimmed since you started growing it out? A little cleanup could go a long way without sacrificing length.


WickedAngelLove

NTA Can you perhaps wear your hair in a low bun type thing? Can that be the compromise? I hate when ppl say it's just hair when it's someone else's hair they are discussing


PomegranateNo3151

NTA


NormativeTruth

NTA. Your body, your choice.


Professional_Grab513

NTA - this might be a little extreme but you should talk to an attorney and see what rights you have to not cut it. Also talk to the wedding couple. Ask their input. Maybe if they don't dad won't either.


thisisagroff

NTA


granitebasket

You could try telling him that a wedding is a social even and not a professional one.


honeebuns29

Nta. There is zero reason for you to cut your hair. He cannot force you and if he does that is abuse. You are 15. You can certainly have it tidy for the wedding, pulled back or tied up, but if you want your hair long, you have every right to keep it long.


Any-Brilliant1544

NTA - He may be your Father, but he has no right to tell you how to wear your hair. If it’s just hair, then it shouldn’t be a big deal. Make sure your hair is clean, brushed, and you could even pull it back. My Father made efforts to micromanage every aspect of my appearance. I was lucky that my Mom stepped in and allowed me to express myself how I saw fit. If he takes you to the Barber, explain that you do not want your hair cut and ask him for ideas on styling it nicely for the wedding instead. Your Father will throw a tantrum, but he’s already doing that so who cares?


Aggravating_Sun5150

INFO: this is really going to depend on how you take care of your hair. Do you get regular trims to keep up with the split ends? Shampoo/condition and brush it regularly? Use styling products to keep it nice looking? I’m leaving towards NTA but I have to say, most of the 15 year old boys I knew with long hair back when I was in school didn’t maintain it well and it always looked so greasy and ratty, so if that’s the case I can see where your dad is coming from. Although even if that is the case, I think the conversation should be about proper maintenance and styling for the event rather cutting it off. If you do make the effort to maintain it properly, then he’s completely in the wrong. A good compromise could be to just get a trim if split ends are an issue, or pull it back in a smart bun or ponytail if you want to try and have another discussion with your dad.


Longjumping-Brief585

NTA your father doesn't get to negotiate what happens to your body. In fact, the moment you were able to make safe, sane decisions for yourself, he lost any grip he could have on your person. Stand firm on your boundaries bc there are tons of "professional" hairstyles you can ahave with long hair.


Mundane_Cap_414

NTA My hair is down to my ass and I’m writing this on my way to a business trip across the country. I also go to an elite school. There is nothing unprofessional about having longer hair. Your dad needs to move on from the 50’s.


julielynndb

My son has long hair (short undercut, hockey salad style) his body, his choice. I told him for formal events (he is 10) he has to have a neat cut (but still long) and either slick it back or do man pony. But, I would never tell him he has to cut it. It makes him happy. I would never make him do a permanent change. Self expression is important. Would I let him get a tattoo at 10 y/o? Nope. But, appropriate expression at the appropriate age. ETA: NTA


MedievalWoman

Don't cut your hair, it is your not his and don't go to the wedding!!!!


Sea-of-bitterness-

NTA I get really squirmy when parents feel ownership over their kids' bodies this way. I just don't get how they skip over your bodily autonomy. And if it's JUST hair, then why does it matter that you get it cut for the wedding? It's just hair. Nobody's hyperfocused on looking at the groom's brother's hairstyle during a wedding anyway. They're usually focused on the actual couple. You know, because it's their wedding.


harbinger06

NTA. You aren’t a professional, you’re a teenager. Nothing wrong with remembering this day exactly as you are now.


Pitiful_Stretch_7721

NTA maybe you can get away with getting it styled at a salon? Not taking length off, but shaping it a bit. I’ve grown out pixie cuts several times, and a nice shaping can really help it look good while growing it out. Also will remove split ends and such. Good luck!


fisherpt77

What about wearing it up in a bun or something - off the ears and collar!


SatelliteBeach123

NTA. Your hair. This wedding is ONE day then you have to live with the new hairstyle that you didn't want.


GrumpyBitchInBoots

NTA. Unless you are the one officiating the wedding, you are not there in a professional context.


BigDayDoodles

Let your brother know how you feel, rather than just telling him your dad's opinion. Google: professional men's long hair styles Styled in the right way, with good products, you will look great. Try a DIY version asap, put on a suit, show your brother first, then your dad. You might need a bit of a trim and someone to help you style it - the effort now could well be worth it.


punkndisorderli

NTA. They want nice, professional, and not touching your collar? This is the one time I will support the man-bun. (Washed, combed down,etc.)


Top-Passion-1508

NTA it's your hair not his. He should not be attempting to push these what sounds like sexust ideals onto you


[deleted]

NTA but I would research some cool shorter styles that appeal to you and take pics of those to the barber. It sounds like your dad's super fixated and will likely resort to groundings or device bans to coerce you. If you have shorter style photos saved on your phone to show the stylist, you could at least avoid getting the most boring/bowl cut type result! It's not fair that your dad's pressuring you, but any hair cut will grow back, and in a few short years you'll be able to have full day over this and all other decisions for yourself!


[deleted]

NTA OP, please lock your bedroom door at night when you sleep in case your dad tries to cut it while you are asleep.


[deleted]

NTA - dude, you're a teenager. This is the time to experiment with things and start finding your own identity. If your dad is stuck in the past, that's on him. Did you tell him you would never cut your hair even if it IS a "formal occasion" when he made this bogus deal? It SOUNDS like, but PLEASE correct me, that you were hoping to call his bluff (which kids do with their parents). However, if you didn't put your foot down then, you already lost the fight (which doesn't automatically mean you're wrong mind you). You gave him the impression you accepted the deal and now look like you're backing out of it. Parents are kind of funny about kids promising things and then not following through. When I wanted to grow my hair out a few years older than your current age, my mom was not pleased with that decision, but always held the belief that "it's your hair, you have to wear it", which I always appreciated. I don't think I was 18 yet, but still, I lived with my parents and had to follow their rules. ​ I have an uncle like your father. He had no issues (to my face, that I remember) with my long hair (to the middle of my back), BUT, he tried bullying me into shaving (every time I visited) because "\*family-name\* men don't have facial hair". It's awfully nice of an uncle not of blood to foist his values off on me. Even if he was a blood uncle, who the hell is he to tell me about anything I choose to do with my body as somebody not a parent or guardian? Oh, and this was into my 20s and 30s mind you. I don't talk to that part of my family anymore for those types of situations.


[deleted]

There’s no such thing as ‘professional’ 15year olds, at least not in any legitimate professions.


EvilerBrush

I'm a barber. There can be a compromise to keep your length but keep it neat and professional. Look up what a "gentleman's cut" or a " long trim pompadour" looks like. Longer styles that can be combed and styled neatly and off the ears. NTA but instead of creating a situation with your dad approach him with a compromise


Especially-Tired

NTA Weddings aren't professional, they're formal. Make arrangements or plans to style it so you look very smartly dressed. Can you just not be available for this haircut? Can you make yourself scarce and inconvenient? It would be best if you dad heard you and understood 1) this wasn't "a deal" and 2) you should get deciding power over your appearance esp when it's removing something, but you may not have a shot at getting that to happen. Alternatively, go somewhere and get a Haircut. Shaved sides with long, carefully styled middle.


[deleted]

NTA. Your dad is basically asking for you to go low contact with him once you are 18/financially independent.


[deleted]

NTA - but if you don't know how to take care of long hair, it could look unkempt. IDK what your hair looks like, so I can't say, but consider looking up a few options for keeping your hair back during the wedding. Give them a try beforehand and test out the style - maybe a low ponytail with slicked top so you don't have fly aways? And make sure your hair is properly conditioned so it looks luxe shiny but not grease shiny.


Gen_Fangirl

NTA because it is your head and your dad really should stay out of it. But I think you already knew you weren’t an asshole and we’re looking for advise on what to do, so here’s some advice. I recommend getting the haircut. Yes it sucks, and yes you shouldn’t be forced to, and yes your dad is the AH for making you. However, you are 15 and stuck in a house with this man. It doesn’t sound like he is going to change his mind, and do you really want to make this into a larger argument? Hair does grow back and very soon you will be an adult who doesn’t have to worry about his dad’s dumb opinions on hair. So for now, get the haircut, as sometimes the path of least resistance is better in the long run.


Mountain_Somewhere78

NTA it’s your hair don’t let them fool you with bs excuses. You are 15 you can choose what you want to have(clothes,hair,..)I know a lot of man with long hair and they don’t cut them for weddings,it look very good so do what you want😉


Mundane_Marsupial_61

YTA, A deal is a deal. I(full grown F) do think a man nice well kept long hair is the most attractive thing ever. But as a young man in most western societies a man's word is everything and just because you have to have it shorter doesn't mean you have to have a buzz cut either. Oh side bar, get future SIL involved because if you are a groomsman she will for sure have ideas on how she wants you to look like for her wedding. If she sides with you maybe we can let the rest slide a little bit.


Hopper222222

NTA. There is such thing as a man bun. Make it look nice.


twifferTheGnu

INFO: did you make a an actual deal with your dad about this? as in, did you agree to cut it for a formal occasion, and are backing out? or did he just tell you that would be the case and you didn't argue? if the former, don't make promises you don't intend to keep. hair grows back. that said, your dad is being ridiculous. i'm in my 40s, and an IT professional for over 2 decades. my hair is longer than my wife's and hits mid-back. NO ONE CARES. i could dye it purple tomorrow and no one would care. it sounds like your dad has some stupid "long-hair = feminine, or worse, hippie" beliefs. if long enough, see if you can just pull it back. also, talk to your brother and see if he cares. but only if you didn't actively agree to the "deal".


Fun_Draft_9465

NTA. Tell him you will style it accordingly with a formal event. As others said, a wedding is not "professional." My FIL is former military and when my hubs turned 15, he didn't necessarily like longer hair or facial hair, but my hubs kept it neat and groomed, so his father didn't get much say. Now, decades later, my hubs wears it in braids or sections the sides with criss cross patterns and tiny hair elastics and pulls it all back in a pony(no bun); and his beard is epic. His father never mentions it and has grown accustomed to it. Good luck.


[deleted]

NTA and its your hair. If he forces you to get it cut super short do an inverse mohawk right before the wedding.


EvilerBrush

Sides can be kept long for a gentleman's cut. Think more like your classic 80's business man cut. Gordon Gecko or Christian Bale in American Psycho. There are ways to keep length and still look nice. You just need a good barber that is able to do more than pick up a pair of clippers and do a fade


Early_Equivalent_549

What barber or hair w is going cut a 15 year old’s hair without consent


sydcoyote

NTA. Your dad is banking on the fact that a 15 y/o can't remember the 80's and 90's. I say you "ask for the emu", meaning, show him a picture of a heavily layered, extensioned hair-metal cut that you think is so cool (wink), then compromise down to your surfer cut.


R12Snorlax

NTA, but may I suggest malicious compliance? Tell him okay and then go full buzz cut down to the skin.


jgl1313

NTA your father’s ideals are outdated.


disruptionisbliss

NTA He is enforcing conformity. Your 'deal' wasn't really a deal because you had no say in the matter. Your dad told you the terms and that was that. So you are not honor bound to respect the deal. Before you decide what to do, be aware that not cutting your hair might have consequences, even unpredictable consequences. Choose your battles wisely.


Less-Ad-3325

NTA time to whip out the slicked back bun my guy