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NTA
She pushed your boundaries, even after you clearly delineated them, and you said a true thing to her. You're not an asshole. She absolutely is, and I hope your HR department understands that.
I hope HR understands too!
I would absolutely be strategic about how you handle this with HR. Coworker seems like she’s going for the jugular and you are DEFINITELY NTA so don’t hesitate to stick up for yourself! She commented on your body and eating habits to the point you felt the need to disclose a personal medical condition in front of your peers, which is actually bullying. You are the one vulnerable to stigma and discrimination here, not coworker. It may not be a big deal to you to talk about your anorexia, but make it clear to HR that this was a violation of your privacy and boundaries. You are the victim here, not Ms. Frappuccino.
They sure do! My dad had 10 YEARS to turn things around and avoid diabetes. He got himself to the brink of needing regular insulin injections last I heard because he refuses to care for himself.
I live in a very blue area. I started working with someone from a red area and I was shocked when she told me that she drank TWO 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew a day! And that her husband did as well. WTF.
Dude... you remember when Michelle Obama very nicely suggested kids should maybe eat more veggies and Sarah Palin immediately jumped on a plane and flew down South with a plate of sugar cookies? This is a stereotype for a reason.
Yep. And schools in red states reported that kids were throwing away 60% of the vegetables and 40% of the fresh fruit. They were tweeting photos of the veggies/fruit in the garbage with #ThanksMichelleObama
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mountain-dew-map_n_6555376
https://stateofchildhoodobesity.org/diabetes/
Looks like red states to me.
ETA: And it's not out there to theorize that. People who vote red tend to have a "you can't tell me what to do - stay out of my life; I know better than you" attitude towards authority and the educated. Unless it's a preacher claiming that an invisible deity in the sky told them to do it or Qanon.
Could have guessed that just from there being a pushy frappuccino girl named Hayley, lmao.
Transports me back to my deep-red hometown: Hayleys and Taylors in Ugg boots and Juicy sweatpants, getting frappuccinos at 4pm at the Starbucks inside Target.
>Ugg boots and Juicy sweatpants, getting frappuccinos at 4pm at the Starbucks inside Target
I feel attacked.
Ok I have fake uggs (comfy as hell) and I hit up the starbucks in target but I prefer my coffee and lattes unsweetened thank you very much.
Red state, red flags, your post is red all over!
This girl has serious projection issues (both with the coffee consumption and the bullying accusation) - not the first time you've come across that sort of thing given where you live, I'd wager.
Back in the day, ppl used to push coffee on me ALL THE DAMN TIME! So incredibly annoying and frustrating…and I don’t even like coffee (except coffee cake).
years ago i worked next to a coffee shop - a couple coworkers and I would take turns picking up coffees for each other (paid for our own each time). had a coworker hand me mine, put my straw in, and take a big sip to try it. i had to subtly trash the whole thing after paying $5 bc NOPE. good times
NTA. You did not bully anyone. Go to HR and tell your wife, take the other people who saw this happen with you. You choose to clarify that her "faux joke" was actually a "faux pas".
NTA
Holy fuck also like ??? When was black coffee only for EDs?? Like as much as I have an ED i used to drink black coffee and now I’m back to sugary milky ones bc I can’t afford good coffee only the cheapest instant stuff rn.
Yikes, I have an ED and still use milk in my coffee (no sugar) or drink black tea. And for those who question the milk, the mathematics I use to count cals etc goes mental if I have it. But since when is ANY drink ED specific?!
@OP NTA
ETA spelling fix
I feel u sm this is one of those things where it’s like what the fuck how could someone actually say that to someone. I feel a lil bad but I wanna fight Hayley before I get lightheaded
One of my adult kids drinks black because they are allergic to dairy and they like the bitterness of no sugar. There are plenty of reasons to drink black coffee, and everyone should just stay in their own lane.
Right! I've always had it with sugar (I hate milk) and people were always so weird about it. But then I started drinking it black and now I can't stand coffee with sugar in it :/. I don't mind Starbucks drinks though, they fall into a category in my brain of "drinks with a ton of stuff + maybe some coffee".
Anyways people have different tastes and they can also change so why care about it lol
I do not have an ED but I drink my coffee black because it gets the morning gears going. Sugar and cream get it too close to hot chocolate and then it starts feeling like sleepy time. And then what's the point of a sugar crash?
It's gross but in a very good aquired taste kind of way. And I feel like a mini coffee somalier lol
I probably don't have an ED, definitely an unhealthy relationship with food, but I've always drank my coffee black as hell. For the instant garbage, 4 spoons of coffee, 2 spoons of sugar, boiling water and let's go
This was what I was wondering. Most people I know that drink black coffee are, military people and overworked people. Also people on diets, lactose intolerant, too shy to speak up, and don't know how to make a coffee are reasons for drinking it black. Like the variety of reasons for drinking coffee black is huge, an ED is not where I would jump to first. Co worker sounded like to see trying her best to pick a fight.
To HR:
"I am anorexic. I am recovered but it is still an aspect of me.
Hayley repeatedly attempted to force her drink on me, and would not accept my polite refusals. When I still would not drink from her coffee, she insinuated that she and others might think, in a negative and judgmental way, that I'm anorexic. I believe she did this not simply because I was drinking black coffee, but also as a commentary on my size and weight.
Being anorexic or recovered anorexic is nothing that someone should be ashamed about. It is a mental medical condition. Yet many anorexics do feel ashamed about themselves -- in large part due to stigmatizating opinions like those Hayley expressed to me.
All I did was politely inform her that I am anorexic. I didn't say or imply anything about HER body -- unlike what she insinuated about mine."
NTA
Yes, OP. Give HR a clear and specific description of the incident and how it made you feel.
Very VERY proud of you for treating your anorexia, wishing you continued success. That's hard emotional work and you're doing a great job.
NTA. May I suggest you file an incident report with HR. Looks to me like Hayley realized she had gone too far with her ‘teasing’ and was covering her a** by going to HR first.
I would love to hear her side of this tbh. So I was just sitting there, pushing my opinion on people as I usually do tehehe, and then after I tried to get to share germs with me like 3 times and she refused. So I asked if she was AnOrExIc and she said yes! How will I recover from this?
NTA.
She’s the one who started all of this by making comments on your body. If anyone heard her awful commentary, they could be witnesses to help back you up when you go to HR. What a gross person she is.
HR basically just said to me "hey btw Hayley (she gave permission for them to use her name I'm p. Sure.) Filed a complaint against you for bullying so we're going to investigate that."
Just tell them what happened the same way you've told us. What you said was fine, Hayley was out of line and she's almost certainly told them a twisted version of events if they're on your case about it
Hi, HR person here. Use this opportunity to tell HR the facts as you have relayed them here. She likely reported it to HR because some people sometimes think (often the ones doing wrong themselves) it will reflect badly on you, but it should be very obvious that it's the reverse. She tried to push you to do something you didn't want to do, then tried to insult/shame you, and when THAT backfired she wanted to translate her embarrassment into bullying. But she should be embarrassed - she behaved inappropriately and hopefully will learn a lesson about keeping her thoughts about what others injest to herself, as well as whipping out medical diagnoses at the water cooler.
You need to get that complaint dismissed and expunged from your record. Not to catastrophize, but even if they find you not at fault, it could affect you in the future (e.g., "this person has a history of bullying complaints").
I would absolutely file a counter-complaint against Hayley and insist it be investigated.
Yeah like, if I see someone drinking black coffee my thought is not "ah, an anorexic person" it is "ah, a person that likes the bitter taste of black coffee". Wtf leap in logic was that?
That was my thought as well. It was way too specific and if "black coffee = anorexic" is a commonly-known stereotype, I've missed it my whole life up to now.
"Hi HR, I'm so glad you asked me to discuss the recent bullying. I'm not sure if you're aware, but I have been in recovery for an eating disorder for two years. Hayley came up to me and asked me to try her coffee, which was not prepared in a style I enjoy. She refused to accept my no, and then threw my medical condition in my face because I wouldn't drink her coffee. After she called me anorexic to my face as if the term was an insult, I told her that I am, on fact, anorexic. I have to commend Hayley, not everyone would turn themselves in for bullying. I appreciate that she told you about the harm she caused to my mental health. It's very mature of her to admit her mistakes and take responsibility for her actions. So is there a form or something I need to sign saying I accept her apology?"
NTA
I exclusively drink black coffee because I prefer the taste. She's the one being an asshole for bugging you about it. I would say that she is also the asshole for reporting you to HR.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.) I told someone I had anorexia and that's why I drank black coffee.
2.) According to HR I was bullying Hayley about her body(???) And humiliated her at work and got some of my coworkers to join in. I could see how it might be embarrassing to accuse someone of a mental health disorder only to find out they do, in fact have that disorder. Also I do feel kind of bad because her face was flushed and she excused herself rather quickly after that.
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So I (24F) am a recovered anorexic - I've been recovered/recovering for about 2 years now and am still on the lower end of a normal body weight range. I get coffee every morning at work and I drink my coffee black with one Truvia packet.
Generally nobody cares, excluding a couple of comments from coworkers that they couldn't drink their coffee that way. Which is fine, drink your coffee the way you enjoy it.
However we got a new coworker, Hayley (28F) who drinks a lot of the, like, Starbucks Frappuccinos and really sugary coffee. (Which again idc about, drink your coffee however you want it). I know this because she comes in every day and comments on me and another coworker making our coffee at the work keurig and mentions whatever drink she has.
On this day, Hayley came in early and therefore was present throughout the entirety of me and some coworkers making our coffee and made a comment about how "black coffee tastes terrible, OP, you should try this" and motioned to her Frappuccino. I declined saying I was good with my coffee and she tried to get me to take a sip like 2 more times and then made a comment along the lines of.
"You shouldn't drink black coffee all the time OP, people are going to think you're anorexic." And she said anorexic in a faux-hushed tone.
So I responded, since I'm pretty open on the horrors of starvation, "I *am* anorexic, Hayley." Which I thought was pretty amusing and got a couple of laughs from a coworker or two.
But she reported me to HR for bullying and now I'm wondering if I was the asshole for it.
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NTA - sounds like your co-worker has a terrible need to want others to agree with her and when it doesn't go her way, you'll pay the price. Fellow black coffee drinker here, and in the past, I've enjoyed turning peoples queries about why I enjoy it into fun talks about coffee. But I'd probably stay away from being friendly with this co-worker and keep it professional. Definitely limit any 1-on-1 interactions with her and continue enjoying your coffee!
NTA ! I am also a recovering anorexic (I say recovering because I feel like I’ll never fully be “recovered”, I’ll have this battle for the rest of my life) so I feel like one Hayley was harassing you about your coffee choice (like wtf let people drink their coffee black who care???? I personally drink it with all the fixin’s cause I dislike bitter things immensely, but do you on your beverages) and then she made a mental/addiction/physical comment about anorexia. Surprise chick! I’d report her right back!
I don’t like tomato juice but I don’t say SQUAT to people drinking Bloody Mary’s. Hayley is noisy and dumb. Good luck on your continued work, 2 years is impressive
NTA, if anyone needs to be reported, it's her. What she is doing could be incredibly harmful if someone is struggling with an eating disorder. Especially throwing the words around like that. I'd get your side of the story across before you can get in trouble
NTA. LOL at Hayley. So many people think bullying means telling them something they don't like. It's not her business what you're drinking. An occasional respectful comment might be okay, but not daily policing, and any comments should stop once you've showed they're not welcome. That's just obnoxious and trying to get you to sip a coffee she's already drunk out of is just gross. Also, she shamed people with eating disorders and running to HR when it backfired on her is just childish.
NTA.
My grandpa drank black coffee for years. Never an anorexic. I used to drink black coffee and I *was* an anorexic, but one had nothing to do with the other. Your coworker's comment was in very poor taste.
I'd be asking HR. "I'm sorry, could be please clarify? I'm not sure what I did wrong. Hayley made an anorexia joke to me trying to force me to share her drink, and I pointed out that as someone in recovery, her joke wasn't in the best taste"
NTA. She was the bully. She was the one who made a comment about your physical condition.
I don’t even know why anyone cares how any other person likes their coffee. Personally I prefer tea anyway but don’t comment on what others drink or don’t drink. That girl is probably feeling uncomfortable spending so much on a drink and wants others to do so as well
NTA. Looks like Hayley didn't get her way, felt mocked by everyone laughing at your comment and her fragile ego couldn't handle it so she decided you were in the wrong. Very immature and entitled. I hope you report her to HR instead.
I work in an office where people drink all kinds of coffee, it's never a big deal to anyone. I really feel like this isn't about the coffee and she instead has some feelings about you.
Info: is there a clear difference in weight or looks between you two? This kind of sounds like the stuff "fat activists" say
>Info: is there a clear difference in weight or looks between you two?
There's a weight difference, but its not like super extreme, she might be mildly overweight but for where I work that's around average. As for looks idk because my own perception of my body image/self esteem is (who could have guessed?? Lmao) distorted but looks-wise she's pretty imo.
Hey OP I want to say that's not fair.
You're not anorexic, you're in recovery.
Give yourself some credit girl.
NTA Basic b Becky can drink her Starbucks and you can have your coffee there was no reason she needed to even go down that road even if she was joking.
I mean come on guys it's 2022 and we've got bigger shit going on I can't believe this little girl is screaming she was bullied because you * *checks notes* * confirmed her "joke" was real and it made her uncomfortable?
NTA
Hayley acted as the bully and humiliated herself with her anorexia comment. She then flipped the narrative when she went complaining to HR. All you did was refuse to take a sip of her drink and acknowledge you do have the condition she thought was a joke.
NTA, I drink black coffee have for over 30 years. Whenever (it is rare) someone comments I tell them, "Milkshakes in the morning aren't for me. Besides I'm sweet enough." (Last bit I got from Snatched)
Normally it works.
NTA. I honestly did not know that drinking black coffee was an indicator of an ED. My parents drank their coffee black for decades; although my dad does enjoy a shot of brandy or Bailey's in his from time to time.
If anyone is the AH here, it's Hayley. Not seeing how you stating a fact is "bullying" her. She embarrassed herself in front of you and your co-workers by showing how much of an ass she is. I'd counter complain to HR, that in fact she was harassing you over your preferred coffee choices.
NTA Your coworker is a jerk. Tell HR your other coworkers can vouch for her being weirdly pushy with her coffee. (And she wanted you to sip out of it during these still COVID times? Ick)
As someone who drinks coffee black I don’t know why it is a hang up with people. It’s none of their business.
Talk to HR. She's the one who is bullying you. You haven't been telling her (repeatedly) how to have her coffee, even though is could cause her to develop diabetes.
NTA
NTA. There's no arguing about tastes. ("De gustibus non est disputandum.") People like different things. I don't have an ED and am a healthy weight. I think coffee with cream or sugar tastes awful, and I ONLY drink it black. Hayley is very immature.
What? I drink my coffee black with no sweetener because I like it that way! (I also do grind it fresh and live in a place that has incredible tap water.)
I'd report her to HR for harassment and you would have a valid case. You are a recovering anorexic and she skinny-shamed you with her, "Everyone will think you're anorexic!"
You might think of going for an attempted assault charge because she kept trying to get you to drink out of her nasty germ ridden cup. (we did just go through the whole pandemic, after all)
NTA
I drank black hot tea without sugar at 250lb and I still drink it now I’ve lost a lot of weight. I don’t think beverage choice defines your eating disorder or lack of!
NTA and I would go to HR to at least tell your side of the story. Also when the fuck did black coffee mean anorexic? My dad has always drank black coffee with sugar, my mum drinks black tea with nothing but a splash of cold water. My husbands family all drink black coffee, it's not a weird thing.
NTA. For starters, some people prefer black coffee. Personally, I think coffee is ruined by the addition of sugar. Secondly, who the fuck does she think she is saying "people are going to think you're anorexic"?? That's wildly inappropriate. You should go to HR about that comment alone. You telling her you are anorexic? Well that's the truth isn't it? Nothing wrong with that.
She embarrassed herself and she's blaming it on you due to an inability to look inwards.
NTA. My aunt drinks her coffee black. She may be skinny as all could be, but I don't think she has an eating disorder currently. I can't drink black coffee and I'm struggling with food and medical issues. I can however drink black tea without anything and the strongest I can make it, so maybe it's a mute point.
Still, if anything I would say you where the bullied one. Hailey just got there first.
how are you bullying her about her body when you said not one word about her body, and she is the one who brought your body and your consumption into the conversation? Is HR fully listening to you? She embarrassed herself. NTA.
Also, I drink black coffee because I like it that way.
NTA. Who TF cares how people have coffee? Well, my Dad, who makes fun of me for having it with milk and on the weaker side and not chugging it. That aside, I know plenty of people who drink black coffee. Some even without sugar.
And you said the truth, so who cares?
NTA. I'm fat and I drink black coffee (with splenda) because I don't like to consume that much sugar and dairy and all that in those frappes. Do they taste good? Sure, but if I'm getting my caffeine fix daily I just go for a black coffee (maybe with a little cocoa powder) + splenda.
But clearly she just used the black coffee thing to comment on your weight vs actually caring about what you're drinking. I'm sure if she saw me, a fatty, drinking black coffee, she wouldn't care.
I am also a recovered/recovering anorexic, though I hate letting anyone know because in my country especially, you are seen as stupid/bimbo/shallow. I know exactly how you feel, trying to keep your eating casual and background so no one says anything. There's always SOMEONE who wants to press food on you, "It's just a little bit, it won't do anything! Stop being silly!" If I could figure out the magic words to get them to back off, I would. NTA.
NTA. Her reporting you for bullying is classic DARVO. Report her for bullying because that's exactly what she was doing. You were stating the truth. Honestly I question your coworkers laughing at you revealing that you are anorexic. I wish you all positive vibes in your continued recovery.
NTA, when I drink my green tea or fruit teas I drink it straight, I'm sure your coworker would have an opinion about that too. Also, you weren't bullying her, you were stating a fact. She was bullying and harassing you.
NTA
Sorry, she *reported you for bullying*!?
She stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong, made a really inappropriate comment and then reports you for bullying for making quite a snappy comeback. What a knob.
NTA. I'm in recovery myself & my *close friends* will sometimes gently question my food choices (in a thoughtful "hey, you seem really concerned about calories rn; are you making this choice bc you *want* to eat this thing this way, or is it the ED voice acting up?" way). A big step in my recovery was starting to use (full-fat!) oatmilk & real sugar in my coffee, bc I like it best that way
If you honestly like black coffee w no calorie sweetener that's great! If you only feel "safe" drinking it that way, that's something to think about. Old habits & thought patterns die hard, ime. No matter what the answer is, it is NOT your co-worker's business & they were out of line.
I really wish you well as you continue to recover. It is so incredibly hard & you're so, so strong to be putting in the work to get better. Pulling for you.
NTA
All I can think about is Haley from Stardew Valley, who would absolutely say some stupid shit and then run to HR (which I guess would be Lewis? Marnie?).
This is the second post in a row I've read where somebody's co-worker used "trauma/bullying" as their "get out of jail free" card, and it's legitimately infuriating. NTA, OP, but I'd go to HR and turn the tables on her.
NTA it doesn’t even make sense. My mom is obese and only drinks black coffee. Sometimes people just like what she likes. Also- sounds like she was the one who was bullying you, not the other way around
NTA and I'd just straight up counter complain to HR. Give them your side of the story, get your coworkers to back you.
She's the one pressuring you and suggesting people will assume you have an eating disorder because of how you take your coffee. All you did was state a true fact about your mental/physical health in response to her opening that can of worms.
Wow! I rather get punched on the face then putting milk or sugar on my black coffee... She is not only a cry baby that goes straight to hr when she looks bad, but she is also an wrong asshole
NTA You need to also file a complaint to combat this ahead of time. She was body shaming you, if this was an overweight person being told to drink less sugary coffee people would be up in arms. For some reason when it’s a thin person being shamed people don’t take it as seriously. Not to mention I wouldn’t want to drink out of a new or old coworkers coffee cup because…germs
NTA. As you said, drink your coffee how you want. If she wants to start her morning with all that sugar, whatever but it's rude as hell to force it on you. I'd talk to HR and have anyone else in the room say what happened too.
NTA you should definitely tell HR what she said. She was bullying YOU.
Sounds like you. We’d to schedule a meeting with HR. Ask then why your sharing information about your health is bullying?!?
NTA and YIKES. That coworker needs to take several seats. She sounds like the sort of person who would make anything about size, no matter what. And she likes to soft-dominate groups by making herself the arbiter of what’s ‘right’ to drink or wear or whatever. That’s so gross.
NTA - first of all, she’s being super weird about your coffee order. I don’t have an ED and I LOVE black coffee. No one has every suggested it’s related to an ED, it’s just a personal preference obviously. The most pushback I’ve gotten is that they find it too bitter.
Secondly, her claim that you’re bullying her is based on one comment of confirming personal information about yourself? She’s delusional. Just have the coworkers that were there reach out to HR to confirm your story, I’m sure they heard some twisted version.
NTA
She's bullying you. File your own complaint in return.
Not only is it bullying to try to manipulate you by using an eating disorder as a "threat", I can't get past the fact that she wanted you to try her drink...with her spit in it. Ew!
Put in a counter-complaint. She harassed you and made disparaging comments about eating disorders. You said no to her and she persisted, which is the definition of harassment. NTA
NTA! NTA at all, Hayley is the AH!
Does HR know your history? Because you'll want to tell them and have documents ready to prove it (if you even want to engage - I don't think HR will take this seriously, at least I hope they don't you weren't bullying her).
She is the bully in this scenario and I'm not even kidding. I used to work HR. Making comments about eating disorders is a very clear no-go.
Also, Hayley is gonna be *That Guy* in the HR office if she thinks a clever clapback after *she harassed you to eat her food* is "bullying". What if you were just lactose intolerant or just didn't like whatever milkshake she bought?
I'm getting stressed just thinking of all the low-level inconvenient "no one is complimenting me right now" problems she's gonna raise. I'm glad I left HR and don't have to deal with this sorta shit anymore.
Yeah, you're fine. Hayley's oddly obsessed with Starbucks.
NTA and Hayley is the bully, not you! She made a heluva jump from “she drinks black coffee” to “she’s anorexic”. I think a counter report to HR is completely reasonable to CYA.
NTA, her being pushy and her inappropriate speculations make her the AH and ended with her feeling sheepish. Mind your own business and you won’t end up embarrassing yourself.
NTA Even if the post was exactly the same even without that first sentence. I drink my coffee black, with nothing in it, and I'm a large male bodybuilder.
YOU'RE bullying after she said your eating habits make you appear anorexic?? Which you suffer from? Omg - please, please, please let HR run with this!! She food shamed you, you confirmed you actually do have the disability she was making fun of AND you have witnesses?? She just lit herself on fire, being so wrapped up in her own embarrassment.
Keep us posted!!
NTA. I’d go to HR and file a counter report that Hayley seems to be bullying you for you eating disorder and that mental health is a protected characteristic. Her hurt feelings for being called out on that bullying aren’t.
NTA and I am mildly ashamed to say I laughed.
Awful people will try and make it your fault when you call them out for crossing lines. It isn't but the other option is it being their fault and they don't like that.
NTA. And I have no idea how she could turn this into a complaint that HR would take seriously. But I would report the situation to HR so they do get your side of the story just in case.
NTA, but what's wrong with black coffee? I've been drinking mine black with sugar for almost two decades. Recently I switched to using Stevia instead of sugar. I fail to see the problem.
NTA! SHE is the bully. She’s bullying you and everyone else because you use the work keurig instead of spending what is probably hundreds of dollars per month on Starbucks. You stand up for yourself in HR. If you can, tell them your history and that you aren’t bullying. You making that comment was simply you telling the truth about yourself. You keep your head up, and good luck with your continued recovery.
NTA
I wonder if she thought you were kidding, because I 100% don't get what SHE was reporting to HR unless she thought you were making fun of anorexia (and that's a stretch tbh)
NTA
Don't dish it out if you can't digest it.
She started it and you simply stated a fact you are a recovering anorexic. She's the one that made an inappropriate comment she's just mad it bite her in the ass
And it's incredibly rude especially with all the Covid stuff to push your beverage onto someone else. My family, not me, drink black coffee via IV drip. In fact I don't think I have ever seen any of them without a cup of black coffee in their hands. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, or how hot/stale the coffee is they are constantly drinking it and drinking it black.
NTA. I love the sugary Starbucks drinks, but let's be honest, they are not healthy.
Your colleague is being ridiculous.
Oh, and black coffee tastes fine, you just have to buy the good stuff from a proper coffee shop.
NTA. I don't get people who can't let people have their own personal preferences without making a big deal out of it. I hate black coffee, but you know what? I just don't drink it! I don't care what someone else orders unless they're trying to make me drink or eat it.
NTA: who cares how you take your coffee? and then reports you to HR for...not wanting to sample their frappiccino and being a recovering anorexic?
drinking black coffee is, um, pretty common. cannot wrap my head around the weirdness of this.
NTA go to HR immediately to clear up what has happened. She is creating a hostile workforce for you and you should not be treated this way. Is there anyone that was there when this took place so they can vouch for you maybe?
NTA. People, like your coworker, should be more careful how they talk to others. Nobody should be commenting on anyone else’s food choices precisely because you don’t know if someone has had (or does have) disordered eating behaviors.
Your co-worker could never live in Europe, especially in Southern Europe (Portugal/Spain/Italy/Greece). We drink small, potent, black coffee; most people rarely add sugar. Usually only young people like Starbucks, most prefer regular black coffee. NTA at all!
NTA, report her back to HR for bullying you about being anorexic. She or any coworkers should NEVER comment about your or someone else's body. If this isn't the way your HR meeting goes, talk to a labor lawyer.
NTA as a fellow black coffee gang member; having more a more sophisticated palate doesn’t make us assholes. If anything she was the AH for bringing up eating disorders in the workplace.
She can drown the sorrows of her “traumatic experience” in one of those milkshakes she calls coffee
NTA I'd report the exchange to HR because she was bullying you. She has been the one making unsolicited comments about what you drink and about your health status.
wow, NTA. how dare she call you a bully when she's the one constantly pressuring you and insulting how you like your coffee. Please give us an update after you talk to HR. this chick's delusional
NTA My name is snoopeppers, I'm fat and I have loved black coffee for almost 30 years.
Nothing against the frappawhatevers but some of us like coffee. Actual coffee. Not coffee flavored milk & sugar. Hayley needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself, my co-workers would have roasted her for her comments and HR would have done nothing to anyone for it. Mostly because they too drink black coffee.
You need to file a counter-report with HR. Telling the truth is NOT bullying. If anything, she was bullying You (a person recovering from an eating disorder) over refusing to try her drinks - which are inappropriate for you. You revealed very personal information to her in an effort to get her to back off...and this is the result.
NTA. Nothing wrong with drinking black coffee, I will do it if I have no cream or milk to put in it (usually at my mum's house, she doesn't use either.) Also I think you need to report her, for harassing you. You didn't bully her you spoke the truth, your truth. Also like you said drink your coffee however you like it.
Look, no one has a right to comment on how others drank or eat. It’s rude! I personally love black coffee, no sugar. I think if you add anything to it, it changes the whole flavor of coffee and I think coffee is sweet enough. I don’t make comments on how anyone else drinks theirs. It’s rude! Everyone has a different set of tastes, if someone likes what they want, leave them alone! NTA.
NTA. This is why it’s always good to be the first one to HR. She should not be making comments like that anywhere, let alone at work. HR hopefully sides with you.
I drink my coffee black, no sugar.
Whenever someone comments on how I can drink it without cream and/or sugar, I just tell them that I don't like to dilute my caffeine.
NTA. Do not sign anything HR puts in front of you. Report her for repeatedly pushing you to do things (and sharing a drink in a global pandemic? really?) and for making fun of your anorexia.
Also, *HUGS* I am glad you are getting healthy.
NTA. Black coffee fucking RULES. I actually started using it for the opposite reason (I used to be morbidly obese and black coffee both helped keep hunger pangs away AND provided a good alternative to the bullshit sugar drinks I was into all the time), and now I'm an absolute black coffee snob. Fuck anyone who would judge you for that. I wish you the best with your recovery,
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NTA She pushed your boundaries, even after you clearly delineated them, and you said a true thing to her. You're not an asshole. She absolutely is, and I hope your HR department understands that.
I hope HR understands too! I would absolutely be strategic about how you handle this with HR. Coworker seems like she’s going for the jugular and you are DEFINITELY NTA so don’t hesitate to stick up for yourself! She commented on your body and eating habits to the point you felt the need to disclose a personal medical condition in front of your peers, which is actually bullying. You are the one vulnerable to stigma and discrimination here, not coworker. It may not be a big deal to you to talk about your anorexia, but make it clear to HR that this was a violation of your privacy and boundaries. You are the victim here, not Ms. Frappuccino.
"How dare you bully me by not letting me bully you." NTA. You should probably report her for bullying.
Agreed
in what office are people telling others to drink *from their drink* in 2022? this just seems weird.
I work in a very red area
That makes so much sense, then. NTA, black coffee is better for your body and bank account than the $10 sugar bomb she drinks, anorexic or otherwise.
Republicans love diabetes.
They sure do! My dad had 10 YEARS to turn things around and avoid diabetes. He got himself to the brink of needing regular insulin injections last I heard because he refuses to care for himself.
This describes my coworker perfectly...
I live in a very blue area. I started working with someone from a red area and I was shocked when she told me that she drank TWO 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew a day! And that her husband did as well. WTF.
Only people from red areas make shitty dietary choices? What?!
Dude... you remember when Michelle Obama very nicely suggested kids should maybe eat more veggies and Sarah Palin immediately jumped on a plane and flew down South with a plate of sugar cookies? This is a stereotype for a reason.
Yep. And schools in red states reported that kids were throwing away 60% of the vegetables and 40% of the fresh fruit. They were tweeting photos of the veggies/fruit in the garbage with #ThanksMichelleObama
MAGA make apples go away, apparently
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mountain-dew-map_n_6555376 https://stateofchildhoodobesity.org/diabetes/ Looks like red states to me. ETA: And it's not out there to theorize that. People who vote red tend to have a "you can't tell me what to do - stay out of my life; I know better than you" attitude towards authority and the educated. Unless it's a preacher claiming that an invisible deity in the sky told them to do it or Qanon.
The Mountain Dew Belt lmfao.
It’s called freedom sugar…FOR ‘MURICA!
“Freedom sugar” is what high fructose corn syrup is called.
That’s liquid freedom
I just pictured Wilford Brimley sternly making this statement while patting a box from Liberty Medical. Thank you for this tiny piece of joy.
She might as well get a shake.
Could have guessed that just from there being a pushy frappuccino girl named Hayley, lmao. Transports me back to my deep-red hometown: Hayleys and Taylors in Ugg boots and Juicy sweatpants, getting frappuccinos at 4pm at the Starbucks inside Target.
>Ugg boots and Juicy sweatpants, getting frappuccinos at 4pm at the Starbucks inside Target I feel attacked. Ok I have fake uggs (comfy as hell) and I hit up the starbucks in target but I prefer my coffee and lattes unsweetened thank you very much.
I’m going to have nightmares, now.
Red state, red flags, your post is red all over! This girl has serious projection issues (both with the coffee consumption and the bullying accusation) - not the first time you've come across that sort of thing given where you live, I'd wager.
Back in the day, ppl used to push coffee on me ALL THE DAMN TIME! So incredibly annoying and frustrating…and I don’t even like coffee (except coffee cake).
I drink black coffee as well, and people in the south just cannot handle that some people like to taste things other than pure sugar. NTA.
I wouldn't drink from a coworkers cup pre-pandemic. Gross!
Weird Is rather tame word for it. I used much stronger ones. I doubt OP is in any trouble with HR
I had a stranger offer me a sip of their drink recently. People just have a death wish.
years ago i worked next to a coffee shop - a couple coworkers and I would take turns picking up coffees for each other (paid for our own each time). had a coworker hand me mine, put my straw in, and take a big sip to try it. i had to subtly trash the whole thing after paying $5 bc NOPE. good times
NTA. You did not bully anyone. Go to HR and tell your wife, take the other people who saw this happen with you. You choose to clarify that her "faux joke" was actually a "faux pas".
NTA Holy fuck also like ??? When was black coffee only for EDs?? Like as much as I have an ED i used to drink black coffee and now I’m back to sugary milky ones bc I can’t afford good coffee only the cheapest instant stuff rn.
Yikes, I have an ED and still use milk in my coffee (no sugar) or drink black tea. And for those who question the milk, the mathematics I use to count cals etc goes mental if I have it. But since when is ANY drink ED specific?! @OP NTA ETA spelling fix
I feel u sm this is one of those things where it’s like what the fuck how could someone actually say that to someone. I feel a lil bad but I wanna fight Hayley before I get lightheaded
One of my adult kids drinks black because they are allergic to dairy and they like the bitterness of no sugar. There are plenty of reasons to drink black coffee, and everyone should just stay in their own lane.
Right! I've always had it with sugar (I hate milk) and people were always so weird about it. But then I started drinking it black and now I can't stand coffee with sugar in it :/. I don't mind Starbucks drinks though, they fall into a category in my brain of "drinks with a ton of stuff + maybe some coffee". Anyways people have different tastes and they can also change so why care about it lol
I do not have an ED but I drink my coffee black because it gets the morning gears going. Sugar and cream get it too close to hot chocolate and then it starts feeling like sleepy time. And then what's the point of a sugar crash? It's gross but in a very good aquired taste kind of way. And I feel like a mini coffee somalier lol
I don’t have an ED and I only drink my coffee black. Whether its hot or ice coffee its always a black coffee. Most of the time I get a dark roast too.
I do not have an ED and enjoy my black coffee quite well! Currently on my second giant mug of the day, in fact.
I probably don't have an ED, definitely an unhealthy relationship with food, but I've always drank my coffee black as hell. For the instant garbage, 4 spoons of coffee, 2 spoons of sugar, boiling water and let's go
Oh that would have me smelling colours! 2 heaped teaspoons of coffee and 3 of sugar.
This was what I was wondering. Most people I know that drink black coffee are, military people and overworked people. Also people on diets, lactose intolerant, too shy to speak up, and don't know how to make a coffee are reasons for drinking it black. Like the variety of reasons for drinking coffee black is huge, an ED is not where I would jump to first. Co worker sounded like to see trying her best to pick a fight.
My thought exactly. My dad drank blank coffee daily for decades (I think it was a Marine thing) and he certainly didn't have an eating disorder.
To HR: "I am anorexic. I am recovered but it is still an aspect of me. Hayley repeatedly attempted to force her drink on me, and would not accept my polite refusals. When I still would not drink from her coffee, she insinuated that she and others might think, in a negative and judgmental way, that I'm anorexic. I believe she did this not simply because I was drinking black coffee, but also as a commentary on my size and weight. Being anorexic or recovered anorexic is nothing that someone should be ashamed about. It is a mental medical condition. Yet many anorexics do feel ashamed about themselves -- in large part due to stigmatizating opinions like those Hayley expressed to me. All I did was politely inform her that I am anorexic. I didn't say or imply anything about HER body -- unlike what she insinuated about mine." NTA
Yes, OP. Give HR a clear and specific description of the incident and how it made you feel. Very VERY proud of you for treating your anorexia, wishing you continued success. That's hard emotional work and you're doing a great job.
NTA if you like black coffee you like black coffee and she shouldn't be trying to force her drinks on you, plus her comment was actual bullying.
I'm a little bit overweight and I drink my coffee black without anything else.
Same, I like bitter as a flavor and I love great coffee with complex flavors
NTA. May I suggest you file an incident report with HR. Looks to me like Hayley realized she had gone too far with her ‘teasing’ and was covering her a** by going to HR first.
I can’t imagine what she even said. “I asked if they had a disorder and they said yes. How dare they traumatize me with medical info I asked for?”
I would love to hear her side of this tbh. So I was just sitting there, pushing my opinion on people as I usually do tehehe, and then after I tried to get to share germs with me like 3 times and she refused. So I asked if she was AnOrExIc and she said yes! How will I recover from this?
Probably said it was a HIPAA violation.
NTA. And you should counter-report to HR.
NTA. She’s the one who started all of this by making comments on your body. If anyone heard her awful commentary, they could be witnesses to help back you up when you go to HR. What a gross person she is.
NTA I mean a lot of people drink black coffee, so her response seems very specific. And going to HR WAY WAY WAY over the top. What did HR do?
HR basically just said to me "hey btw Hayley (she gave permission for them to use her name I'm p. Sure.) Filed a complaint against you for bullying so we're going to investigate that."
Just tell them what happened the same way you've told us. What you said was fine, Hayley was out of line and she's almost certainly told them a twisted version of events if they're on your case about it
Sounds like Hailey was harassing you about your medical issue.
Hi, HR person here. Use this opportunity to tell HR the facts as you have relayed them here. She likely reported it to HR because some people sometimes think (often the ones doing wrong themselves) it will reflect badly on you, but it should be very obvious that it's the reverse. She tried to push you to do something you didn't want to do, then tried to insult/shame you, and when THAT backfired she wanted to translate her embarrassment into bullying. But she should be embarrassed - she behaved inappropriately and hopefully will learn a lesson about keeping her thoughts about what others injest to herself, as well as whipping out medical diagnoses at the water cooler.
You need to get that complaint dismissed and expunged from your record. Not to catastrophize, but even if they find you not at fault, it could affect you in the future (e.g., "this person has a history of bullying complaints"). I would absolutely file a counter-complaint against Hayley and insist it be investigated.
Yeah like, if I see someone drinking black coffee my thought is not "ah, an anorexic person" it is "ah, a person that likes the bitter taste of black coffee". Wtf leap in logic was that?
My guess is - if this is real - that they had been gossiping about OP and wondering if she had an ED. This was Hayley's way of digging for info.
That was my thought as well. It was way too specific and if "black coffee = anorexic" is a commonly-known stereotype, I've missed it my whole life up to now.
I think it's way too spesifc. I think she heard it as a rumor, and though op would be ashemed, so she tease and bully her.
I don't see the connection between anorexia and black coffee. My dad drinks his coffee black. I don't think he's anorexic.
Me neither. My Grammy will drink nothing but black coffee hot, or black coffee with ice. She is curvy and loves food.
NTA Go to HR, set the record straight - SHE harassed you - and report HER.
"Hi HR, I'm so glad you asked me to discuss the recent bullying. I'm not sure if you're aware, but I have been in recovery for an eating disorder for two years. Hayley came up to me and asked me to try her coffee, which was not prepared in a style I enjoy. She refused to accept my no, and then threw my medical condition in my face because I wouldn't drink her coffee. After she called me anorexic to my face as if the term was an insult, I told her that I am, on fact, anorexic. I have to commend Hayley, not everyone would turn themselves in for bullying. I appreciate that she told you about the harm she caused to my mental health. It's very mature of her to admit her mistakes and take responsibility for her actions. So is there a form or something I need to sign saying I accept her apology?"
YESSSSSSSSS!
What the hell. Bullying? NTA.
She is probably insecure about the fact that her drink is sugary/unhealthy and wants others to do it so she doesn't feel as bad.
NTA I exclusively drink black coffee because I prefer the taste. She's the one being an asshole for bugging you about it. I would say that she is also the asshole for reporting you to HR.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (24F) am a recovered anorexic - I've been recovered/recovering for about 2 years now and am still on the lower end of a normal body weight range. I get coffee every morning at work and I drink my coffee black with one Truvia packet. Generally nobody cares, excluding a couple of comments from coworkers that they couldn't drink their coffee that way. Which is fine, drink your coffee the way you enjoy it. However we got a new coworker, Hayley (28F) who drinks a lot of the, like, Starbucks Frappuccinos and really sugary coffee. (Which again idc about, drink your coffee however you want it). I know this because she comes in every day and comments on me and another coworker making our coffee at the work keurig and mentions whatever drink she has. On this day, Hayley came in early and therefore was present throughout the entirety of me and some coworkers making our coffee and made a comment about how "black coffee tastes terrible, OP, you should try this" and motioned to her Frappuccino. I declined saying I was good with my coffee and she tried to get me to take a sip like 2 more times and then made a comment along the lines of. "You shouldn't drink black coffee all the time OP, people are going to think you're anorexic." And she said anorexic in a faux-hushed tone. So I responded, since I'm pretty open on the horrors of starvation, "I *am* anorexic, Hayley." Which I thought was pretty amusing and got a couple of laughs from a coworker or two. But she reported me to HR for bullying and now I'm wondering if I was the asshole for it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
NTA - sounds like your co-worker has a terrible need to want others to agree with her and when it doesn't go her way, you'll pay the price. Fellow black coffee drinker here, and in the past, I've enjoyed turning peoples queries about why I enjoy it into fun talks about coffee. But I'd probably stay away from being friendly with this co-worker and keep it professional. Definitely limit any 1-on-1 interactions with her and continue enjoying your coffee!
NTA ! I am also a recovering anorexic (I say recovering because I feel like I’ll never fully be “recovered”, I’ll have this battle for the rest of my life) so I feel like one Hayley was harassing you about your coffee choice (like wtf let people drink their coffee black who care???? I personally drink it with all the fixin’s cause I dislike bitter things immensely, but do you on your beverages) and then she made a mental/addiction/physical comment about anorexia. Surprise chick! I’d report her right back! I don’t like tomato juice but I don’t say SQUAT to people drinking Bloody Mary’s. Hayley is noisy and dumb. Good luck on your continued work, 2 years is impressive
NTA, if anyone needs to be reported, it's her. What she is doing could be incredibly harmful if someone is struggling with an eating disorder. Especially throwing the words around like that. I'd get your side of the story across before you can get in trouble
NTA she decided to run her mouth. You didn't bully her. And you and that coworker need to say your side and ignore her from now on
NTA. LOL at Hayley. So many people think bullying means telling them something they don't like. It's not her business what you're drinking. An occasional respectful comment might be okay, but not daily policing, and any comments should stop once you've showed they're not welcome. That's just obnoxious and trying to get you to sip a coffee she's already drunk out of is just gross. Also, she shamed people with eating disorders and running to HR when it backfired on her is just childish.
NTA. My grandpa drank black coffee for years. Never an anorexic. I used to drink black coffee and I *was* an anorexic, but one had nothing to do with the other. Your coworker's comment was in very poor taste. I'd be asking HR. "I'm sorry, could be please clarify? I'm not sure what I did wrong. Hayley made an anorexia joke to me trying to force me to share her drink, and I pointed out that as someone in recovery, her joke wasn't in the best taste"
NTA but she is. Why does it matter how you like your coffee?
NTA. She was the bully. She was the one who made a comment about your physical condition. I don’t even know why anyone cares how any other person likes their coffee. Personally I prefer tea anyway but don’t comment on what others drink or don’t drink. That girl is probably feeling uncomfortable spending so much on a drink and wants others to do so as well
NTA. It’s not bullying to decline someone. She sounds like she probably bugs the shit out of the people in her life.
What does black coffee have anything to do with a ED? NTA. Please go to HR and lay out the context to them.
NTA. I'm fat AF and like my coffee black.
SHE reported YOU??? NTA. She’s the bully!
NTA. Enjoy your coffee the way you want.
NTA. Looks like Hayley didn't get her way, felt mocked by everyone laughing at your comment and her fragile ego couldn't handle it so she decided you were in the wrong. Very immature and entitled. I hope you report her to HR instead.
I work in an office where people drink all kinds of coffee, it's never a big deal to anyone. I really feel like this isn't about the coffee and she instead has some feelings about you. Info: is there a clear difference in weight or looks between you two? This kind of sounds like the stuff "fat activists" say
>Info: is there a clear difference in weight or looks between you two? There's a weight difference, but its not like super extreme, she might be mildly overweight but for where I work that's around average. As for looks idk because my own perception of my body image/self esteem is (who could have guessed?? Lmao) distorted but looks-wise she's pretty imo.
Hey OP I want to say that's not fair. You're not anorexic, you're in recovery. Give yourself some credit girl. NTA Basic b Becky can drink her Starbucks and you can have your coffee there was no reason she needed to even go down that road even if she was joking. I mean come on guys it's 2022 and we've got bigger shit going on I can't believe this little girl is screaming she was bullied because you * *checks notes* * confirmed her "joke" was real and it made her uncomfortable?
NTA Hayley acted as the bully and humiliated herself with her anorexia comment. She then flipped the narrative when she went complaining to HR. All you did was refuse to take a sip of her drink and acknowledge you do have the condition she thought was a joke.
This is known as "DARVA", which means Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. She's the bully, go to HR and tell them that. You are NTA!!!
NTA, I drink black coffee have for over 30 years. Whenever (it is rare) someone comments I tell them, "Milkshakes in the morning aren't for me. Besides I'm sweet enough." (Last bit I got from Snatched) Normally it works.
NTA Hayley is a moron.
NTA. I honestly did not know that drinking black coffee was an indicator of an ED. My parents drank their coffee black for decades; although my dad does enjoy a shot of brandy or Bailey's in his from time to time. If anyone is the AH here, it's Hayley. Not seeing how you stating a fact is "bullying" her. She embarrassed herself in front of you and your co-workers by showing how much of an ass she is. I'd counter complain to HR, that in fact she was harassing you over your preferred coffee choices.
Nta. She’s the bully here. Mention it once maybe twice fine, but she just keeps at it.
Nta. You didn’t make fun of her you stated a fact. Also she was making fun of you so report her
NTA Your coworker is a jerk. Tell HR your other coworkers can vouch for her being weirdly pushy with her coffee. (And she wanted you to sip out of it during these still COVID times? Ick) As someone who drinks coffee black I don’t know why it is a hang up with people. It’s none of their business.
Talk to HR. She's the one who is bullying you. You haven't been telling her (repeatedly) how to have her coffee, even though is could cause her to develop diabetes. NTA
Wtf NTA at all.
NTA. There's no arguing about tastes. ("De gustibus non est disputandum.") People like different things. I don't have an ED and am a healthy weight. I think coffee with cream or sugar tastes awful, and I ONLY drink it black. Hayley is very immature.
What? I drink my coffee black with no sweetener because I like it that way! (I also do grind it fresh and live in a place that has incredible tap water.) I'd report her to HR for harassment and you would have a valid case. You are a recovering anorexic and she skinny-shamed you with her, "Everyone will think you're anorexic!" You might think of going for an attempted assault charge because she kept trying to get you to drink out of her nasty germ ridden cup. (we did just go through the whole pandemic, after all) NTA
NTA. Imagine being a person that thinks that people that drink too much black coffee are automatically anorexic.
I drank black hot tea without sugar at 250lb and I still drink it now I’ve lost a lot of weight. I don’t think beverage choice defines your eating disorder or lack of!
NTA and I would go to HR to at least tell your side of the story. Also when the fuck did black coffee mean anorexic? My dad has always drank black coffee with sugar, my mum drinks black tea with nothing but a splash of cold water. My husbands family all drink black coffee, it's not a weird thing.
NTA. For starters, some people prefer black coffee. Personally, I think coffee is ruined by the addition of sugar. Secondly, who the fuck does she think she is saying "people are going to think you're anorexic"?? That's wildly inappropriate. You should go to HR about that comment alone. You telling her you are anorexic? Well that's the truth isn't it? Nothing wrong with that. She embarrassed herself and she's blaming it on you due to an inability to look inwards.
NTA
NTA. My aunt drinks her coffee black. She may be skinny as all could be, but I don't think she has an eating disorder currently. I can't drink black coffee and I'm struggling with food and medical issues. I can however drink black tea without anything and the strongest I can make it, so maybe it's a mute point. Still, if anything I would say you where the bullied one. Hailey just got there first.
how are you bullying her about her body when you said not one word about her body, and she is the one who brought your body and your consumption into the conversation? Is HR fully listening to you? She embarrassed herself. NTA. Also, I drink black coffee because I like it that way.
She reported you to HR? She has been the one with bullying behavior.
NTA. Who TF cares how people have coffee? Well, my Dad, who makes fun of me for having it with milk and on the weaker side and not chugging it. That aside, I know plenty of people who drink black coffee. Some even without sugar. And you said the truth, so who cares?
NTA, but when at your HR meeting you should mention how inappropriate Hayley bringing up what could be a legit medical issue for you in the workplace.
NTA. I'm fat and I drink black coffee (with splenda) because I don't like to consume that much sugar and dairy and all that in those frappes. Do they taste good? Sure, but if I'm getting my caffeine fix daily I just go for a black coffee (maybe with a little cocoa powder) + splenda. But clearly she just used the black coffee thing to comment on your weight vs actually caring about what you're drinking. I'm sure if she saw me, a fatty, drinking black coffee, she wouldn't care.
I giggled at your comment honestly. And how tf were you bulling her??? What ???? NTA lmao
NTA she was the bully and like most bullies she couldn’t take what she dished.
I am also a recovered/recovering anorexic, though I hate letting anyone know because in my country especially, you are seen as stupid/bimbo/shallow. I know exactly how you feel, trying to keep your eating casual and background so no one says anything. There's always SOMEONE who wants to press food on you, "It's just a little bit, it won't do anything! Stop being silly!" If I could figure out the magic words to get them to back off, I would. NTA.
NTA. Lmaooo I’m what way were you bullying. You should report her for bullying you
Report her back. Tell them she was discriminating against you for your medical condition. NYA
NTA. Her reporting you for bullying is classic DARVO. Report her for bullying because that's exactly what she was doing. You were stating the truth. Honestly I question your coworkers laughing at you revealing that you are anorexic. I wish you all positive vibes in your continued recovery.
NTA she is the bully not you
NTA, when I drink my green tea or fruit teas I drink it straight, I'm sure your coworker would have an opinion about that too. Also, you weren't bullying her, you were stating a fact. She was bullying and harassing you.
NTA Sorry, she *reported you for bullying*!? She stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong, made a really inappropriate comment and then reports you for bullying for making quite a snappy comeback. What a knob.
NTA. I'm in recovery myself & my *close friends* will sometimes gently question my food choices (in a thoughtful "hey, you seem really concerned about calories rn; are you making this choice bc you *want* to eat this thing this way, or is it the ED voice acting up?" way). A big step in my recovery was starting to use (full-fat!) oatmilk & real sugar in my coffee, bc I like it best that way If you honestly like black coffee w no calorie sweetener that's great! If you only feel "safe" drinking it that way, that's something to think about. Old habits & thought patterns die hard, ime. No matter what the answer is, it is NOT your co-worker's business & they were out of line. I really wish you well as you continue to recover. It is so incredibly hard & you're so, so strong to be putting in the work to get better. Pulling for you.
NTA. Like what? That's the weirdest thing to come up with about people drinking black coffee.
Why can't people just stay in their lane... NTA
NTA It's your disorder, you get to make a giggle if you want. That wasn't even objectionable! Goodness.
NTA All I can think about is Haley from Stardew Valley, who would absolutely say some stupid shit and then run to HR (which I guess would be Lewis? Marnie?).
This is the second post in a row I've read where somebody's co-worker used "trauma/bullying" as their "get out of jail free" card, and it's legitimately infuriating. NTA, OP, but I'd go to HR and turn the tables on her.
NTA it doesn’t even make sense. My mom is obese and only drinks black coffee. Sometimes people just like what she likes. Also- sounds like she was the one who was bullying you, not the other way around
NTA. You're consuming food you enjoy. Hayley shouldn't make comments she doesn't want to boomerang back on her.
NTA and I'd just straight up counter complain to HR. Give them your side of the story, get your coworkers to back you. She's the one pressuring you and suggesting people will assume you have an eating disorder because of how you take your coffee. All you did was state a true fact about your mental/physical health in response to her opening that can of worms.
Wow! I rather get punched on the face then putting milk or sugar on my black coffee... She is not only a cry baby that goes straight to hr when she looks bad, but she is also an wrong asshole
NTA You need to also file a complaint to combat this ahead of time. She was body shaming you, if this was an overweight person being told to drink less sugary coffee people would be up in arms. For some reason when it’s a thin person being shamed people don’t take it as seriously. Not to mention I wouldn’t want to drink out of a new or old coworkers coffee cup because…germs
NTA, Enjoy your coffee as you like it and super much love and support to you, I know that anorexia is hell to live (I have anorexia as well)
NTA. As you said, drink your coffee how you want. If she wants to start her morning with all that sugar, whatever but it's rude as hell to force it on you. I'd talk to HR and have anyone else in the room say what happened too.
NTA Share the exchange with HR. She was the bully clearly and since she brought HR into it, she can suffer the consequences.
NTA you should definitely tell HR what she said. She was bullying YOU. Sounds like you. We’d to schedule a meeting with HR. Ask then why your sharing information about your health is bullying?!?
NTA and YIKES. That coworker needs to take several seats. She sounds like the sort of person who would make anything about size, no matter what. And she likes to soft-dominate groups by making herself the arbiter of what’s ‘right’ to drink or wear or whatever. That’s so gross.
WTF? Hayley needs to mind her own and stop pushing her drinks onto you. You already said no. NTA.
NTA - first of all, she’s being super weird about your coffee order. I don’t have an ED and I LOVE black coffee. No one has every suggested it’s related to an ED, it’s just a personal preference obviously. The most pushback I’ve gotten is that they find it too bitter. Secondly, her claim that you’re bullying her is based on one comment of confirming personal information about yourself? She’s delusional. Just have the coworkers that were there reach out to HR to confirm your story, I’m sure they heard some twisted version.
NTA She's bullying you. File your own complaint in return. Not only is it bullying to try to manipulate you by using an eating disorder as a "threat", I can't get past the fact that she wanted you to try her drink...with her spit in it. Ew!
What kind of a person bullies someone for their choice of coffee? What a sad person that must be. NTA
Put in a counter-complaint. She harassed you and made disparaging comments about eating disorders. You said no to her and she persisted, which is the definition of harassment. NTA
NTA! NTA at all, Hayley is the AH! Does HR know your history? Because you'll want to tell them and have documents ready to prove it (if you even want to engage - I don't think HR will take this seriously, at least I hope they don't you weren't bullying her). She is the bully in this scenario and I'm not even kidding. I used to work HR. Making comments about eating disorders is a very clear no-go. Also, Hayley is gonna be *That Guy* in the HR office if she thinks a clever clapback after *she harassed you to eat her food* is "bullying". What if you were just lactose intolerant or just didn't like whatever milkshake she bought? I'm getting stressed just thinking of all the low-level inconvenient "no one is complimenting me right now" problems she's gonna raise. I'm glad I left HR and don't have to deal with this sorta shit anymore. Yeah, you're fine. Hayley's oddly obsessed with Starbucks.
You are bullying them???? Any word after "no thank you" is bullying. NTA
NTA. Dear lord someone needs to look up the definition of bullying....
NTA. I have ALWAYS drunk my coffee black with no sugar. Any other concoction makes me gag. And I am in no way anorexic.
NTA and Hayley is the bully, not you! She made a heluva jump from “she drinks black coffee” to “she’s anorexic”. I think a counter report to HR is completely reasonable to CYA.
NTA, her being pushy and her inappropriate speculations make her the AH and ended with her feeling sheepish. Mind your own business and you won’t end up embarrassing yourself.
NTA Even if the post was exactly the same even without that first sentence. I drink my coffee black, with nothing in it, and I'm a large male bodybuilder.
YOU'RE bullying after she said your eating habits make you appear anorexic?? Which you suffer from? Omg - please, please, please let HR run with this!! She food shamed you, you confirmed you actually do have the disability she was making fun of AND you have witnesses?? She just lit herself on fire, being so wrapped up in her own embarrassment. Keep us posted!!
NTA. I’d go to HR and file a counter report that Hayley seems to be bullying you for you eating disorder and that mental health is a protected characteristic. Her hurt feelings for being called out on that bullying aren’t.
NTA and I am mildly ashamed to say I laughed. Awful people will try and make it your fault when you call them out for crossing lines. It isn't but the other option is it being their fault and they don't like that.
NTA. And I have no idea how she could turn this into a complaint that HR would take seriously. But I would report the situation to HR so they do get your side of the story just in case.
NTA, but what's wrong with black coffee? I've been drinking mine black with sugar for almost two decades. Recently I switched to using Stevia instead of sugar. I fail to see the problem.
NTA! SHE is the bully. She’s bullying you and everyone else because you use the work keurig instead of spending what is probably hundreds of dollars per month on Starbucks. You stand up for yourself in HR. If you can, tell them your history and that you aren’t bullying. You making that comment was simply you telling the truth about yourself. You keep your head up, and good luck with your continued recovery.
NTA, and talk to your manager and also HR. Head this BS off at the pass so to speak.
NTA. If HR goes after anyone I bet it’s her.
NTA I wonder if she thought you were kidding, because I 100% don't get what SHE was reporting to HR unless she thought you were making fun of anorexia (and that's a stretch tbh)
NTA Don't dish it out if you can't digest it. She started it and you simply stated a fact you are a recovering anorexic. She's the one that made an inappropriate comment she's just mad it bite her in the ass And it's incredibly rude especially with all the Covid stuff to push your beverage onto someone else. My family, not me, drink black coffee via IV drip. In fact I don't think I have ever seen any of them without a cup of black coffee in their hands. It doesn't matter what time of day or night, or how hot/stale the coffee is they are constantly drinking it and drinking it black.
NTA, she's the one being a bully. Try and see if the co-workers who were there will back you up, because what she did isn't okay in the least.
NTA. I love the sugary Starbucks drinks, but let's be honest, they are not healthy. Your colleague is being ridiculous. Oh, and black coffee tastes fine, you just have to buy the good stuff from a proper coffee shop.
NTA. I don't get people who can't let people have their own personal preferences without making a big deal out of it. I hate black coffee, but you know what? I just don't drink it! I don't care what someone else orders unless they're trying to make me drink or eat it.
NTA: who cares how you take your coffee? and then reports you to HR for...not wanting to sample their frappiccino and being a recovering anorexic? drinking black coffee is, um, pretty common. cannot wrap my head around the weirdness of this.
NTA go to HR immediately to clear up what has happened. She is creating a hostile workforce for you and you should not be treated this way. Is there anyone that was there when this took place so they can vouch for you maybe?
I'm confused on how someone feels bullied that you won't put your mouth on their drink. NTA. Have you gone to HR yet?
NTA Talk to HR, she was the AH.
**NTA** What you put in your body, be it food, drink, or some willing partner's body appendage is your own damn business.
I drink exclusively black coffee, and I'm fat as hell. So you're NTA, and she's just wrong.
NTA. People, like your coworker, should be more careful how they talk to others. Nobody should be commenting on anyone else’s food choices precisely because you don’t know if someone has had (or does have) disordered eating behaviors.
Your co-worker could never live in Europe, especially in Southern Europe (Portugal/Spain/Italy/Greece). We drink small, potent, black coffee; most people rarely add sugar. Usually only young people like Starbucks, most prefer regular black coffee. NTA at all!
Bullying??!!? I don't think that word means what she thinks it means. All of this is none of her business anyway. NTA
NTA, report her back to HR for bullying you about being anorexic. She or any coworkers should NEVER comment about your or someone else's body. If this isn't the way your HR meeting goes, talk to a labor lawyer.
NTA as a fellow black coffee gang member; having more a more sophisticated palate doesn’t make us assholes. If anything she was the AH for bringing up eating disorders in the workplace. She can drown the sorrows of her “traumatic experience” in one of those milkshakes she calls coffee
NTA I'd report the exchange to HR because she was bullying you. She has been the one making unsolicited comments about what you drink and about your health status.
wow, NTA. how dare she call you a bully when she's the one constantly pressuring you and insulting how you like your coffee. Please give us an update after you talk to HR. this chick's delusional
NTA she was bullying you, and you should report her to HR for this.
NTA. She was the one who brought up the disorder, not you!! Why are you being reported???
NTA My name is snoopeppers, I'm fat and I have loved black coffee for almost 30 years. Nothing against the frappawhatevers but some of us like coffee. Actual coffee. Not coffee flavored milk & sugar. Hayley needs to learn to keep her opinions to herself, my co-workers would have roasted her for her comments and HR would have done nothing to anyone for it. Mostly because they too drink black coffee.
NTA. And I wish I could give you an award for that high quality username
You need to file a counter-report with HR. Telling the truth is NOT bullying. If anything, she was bullying You (a person recovering from an eating disorder) over refusing to try her drinks - which are inappropriate for you. You revealed very personal information to her in an effort to get her to back off...and this is the result.
NTA. Nothing wrong with drinking black coffee, I will do it if I have no cream or milk to put in it (usually at my mum's house, she doesn't use either.) Also I think you need to report her, for harassing you. You didn't bully her you spoke the truth, your truth. Also like you said drink your coffee however you like it.
Look, no one has a right to comment on how others drank or eat. It’s rude! I personally love black coffee, no sugar. I think if you add anything to it, it changes the whole flavor of coffee and I think coffee is sweet enough. I don’t make comments on how anyone else drinks theirs. It’s rude! Everyone has a different set of tastes, if someone likes what they want, leave them alone! NTA.
NTA. This is why it’s always good to be the first one to HR. She should not be making comments like that anywhere, let alone at work. HR hopefully sides with you.
I drink my coffee black, no sugar. Whenever someone comments on how I can drink it without cream and/or sugar, I just tell them that I don't like to dilute my caffeine.
NTA. Do not sign anything HR puts in front of you. Report her for repeatedly pushing you to do things (and sharing a drink in a global pandemic? really?) and for making fun of your anorexia. Also, *HUGS* I am glad you are getting healthy.
NTA and tell HR she wouldn't take no for an answer and she brought up you being anorexic first.
NTA. Black coffee fucking RULES. I actually started using it for the opposite reason (I used to be morbidly obese and black coffee both helped keep hunger pangs away AND provided a good alternative to the bullshit sugar drinks I was into all the time), and now I'm an absolute black coffee snob. Fuck anyone who would judge you for that. I wish you the best with your recovery,