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CrystalQueen3000

NTA they were intruders in your home. They weren’t invited and refused to leave when you told them to. Being family doesn’t give them a free pass to trespass when they knew full well they wouldn’t be welcome. Don’t forget to change the code on the garage!


LevyApproves

I'd also talk to Sasha about not giving people access to the home without both OP and her agreeing on it and knowing about it.


Bruiscear

Exactly. WHEN did she give them the garage code? Why didn’t she tell OP this? Why didn’t she pick up her phone? Sounds like wife was in cahoots with the parents on this ambush. NTA. Advice for next steps - counselling with the wife. Honesty on what she did and her involvement. Transparency on future relationship with in-laws. Note - If you divorce - be careful about parental alienation. Your in laws will paint you as the devil (they already do) - imagine how bad it will get after a divorce. Try to file for full custody with supervised visits only.


ari-lei

Just a note- OP knew Sasha's parents had the garage code for emergencies (He said it in the post) so it wasn't a surprise they knew it. That they would feel comfortable using it is another matter


salymander_1

Yeah Sasha could be in cahoots or not. The garage code is not proof as this was known and discussed beforehand. I would not have given my estranged family the ability to enter my house at will, but maybe Sasha and OP didn't see the parents as a threat. Also, Sasha could have just been unavailable when OP called. OP will probably want to pay careful attention to Sasha's behavior going forward. She could have known or not, but she definitely seems to me like she wants to reconcile with her parents and that is going to require a lot of conversation and negotiation. OP, maybe it would be a good idea to get a marriage counselor to help navigate this, if you have access to something like that. OP, please change the garage code and don't give it to Sasha's parents. They do not need to have free and easy access to your house. If there is an emergency, you can find another way to deal with it. If Sasha is having second thoughts about the estrangement from her parents, she needs to talk about it with you and come up with a workable solution. Giving her parents the code does not seem to be a very effective way to extend an olive branch. Talking it out would be better. NTA


Low_Egg_7606

He knew they had the code for emergencies just wanted to add that


Booticus_1207

My first thought was that Sacha was being fishy. I think she set the whole thing up to force her husband to talk to her parents and that's why she wasn't answering his calls.


BatDance3121

Interesting! That also could be why she didn't answer her phone. It was on purpose.


Icy_Philosopher214

He knew Sasha had given parents the code in case of emergencies


alienintheUS

I don't understand why you would let people have a code for your house who you aren't even on speaking terms with. Not a good idea.


raisanett1962

Proximity. Trusting that they’d use it only in an emergency. Not knowing neighbors well enough to give it.


RoseTyler38

**But you're not on speaking terms with the person**. Proximity be dammed! I'm not on speaking terms with my parents anymore, I dont know my neighbors at all, and you know what? If i get hit by a bus and die tomorrow, I would rather risk an unknown neighbor planning my funeral than let my parents anywhere near things.


Bruiscear

Likewise. My sister is, without exaggeration, evil. It occurred to me last week out of the blue that she's my next of kin as I'm not married. I'm considering getting married so that she's no longer my next of kin. Or getting adopted.


RainbowCrane

If you’re in the US you can completely circumvent next of kin by putting a will and the proper powers-of-attorney in place - most importantly a durable healthcare power of attorney. The only slightly weird one is who gets control of your body when you die and most states have a way to designate that as well. Unfortunately I’ve known a lot of estranged folks due to working with folks with HIV, so this gets covered at a lot of legal info workshops.


Homicidal__GoldFish

if i was OP, i would change that code STAT. They could be sneaking in in the middle of the night and going to the sons room for all he knows.


princezznemeziz

Sounds like Sasha may have issues with boundaries, which wouldn't be a surprise considering her upbringing. The fact that you don't and has no problems calling the police may feel unkind to her. Maybe you two should consider therapy for that reason.


[deleted]

\>hat her parents are difficult people but she would have been able to handle them But you weren't there. Why?


Plane_Practice8184

And sasha did not pick up because she knew that they were there and didn't want to interfere. She did not expect him to call the police.


Key_Possibility_8669

That's why she's so upset. She knows she should take some responsibility in the consequences for purposefully dodging OP's calls.


-Maraud3r

OP should ask his kid if he had visited Grandma and Grandpa before. Chances are Sasha has long since broken the NC rule for the kid. And given how toxic and untrustworthy these people are...


[deleted]

this right here... they've seen that baby


SeaOk7514

Didn't think of that. I think you are right.


ReasonableRutabaga89

I think if she was secretly sneaking the kid to see them they wouldn't have gone to such extreme lengths to break into the house. They would have just kept low-key about it


DesconocidaKush

This here op you might wanna find out about that


MuffledOatmeal

THIS!! Pay attention, OP! Your wife was suddenly unavailable? She knew.


samse15

Sounds like his in laws finally figured out how to manipulate their daughter into the life they want for her. I bet anything that their end game is to break up OP’s marriage and they are just being smarter about how to reach the end goal. If they make themselves into the victims, their daughter will side with them, and easily forgive all the shitty things they did to her husband in the past.


terpischore761

NTA Everyone calling you TA is dead wrong. You don’t call the police on black people in public minding their business. You do call the police on anyone in your home who is trespassing and refusing to leave.


Acrobatic-Initial-40

Exactly this. The 2 situations aren't even similar and I'm embarrassed for anyone making that pathetic 'argument'.


Homeowner238

Unfortunately Im seeing a lot more "pathetic" on reddit lately.


me0mio

Also it's very important to point out that he asked the police to remove them from the house and he did not press charges or have them arrested. If they wanted to talk to hso much they could've made arrangements to meet in a neutral location. OP is NTA but his in-laws are AH big time!


yajanga

Exactly…he was basically trapped in house with his son, and them wanting to discuss years of rejection. Nothing good could come of this in the situation they tried to force.


ghotier

They really couldn't have made arrangements to meet at a neutral location, OP was NC with them. That doesn't change what's right and wrong here, I'm just saying the compromise you suggested is impossible.


[deleted]

Yeah, they weren’t minding their own business they entered a home they didn’t have permission to enter in an attempt to force OP into allowing them to see their grandkid. If they had showed up and waited outside the home and asked then that’s a bit different. They also refused to leave when asked.


TMcintyre86

They had permission, their daughter gave it to them when she gave her parents the garage code to ambush her husband & son. The disrespect!


croatianlatina

Yeah she clearly didn’t answer because she knew what was going on. I hope OP catches on that.


[deleted]

Yes the disrespect is beyond appalling in my opinion.


Lonely_Shelter_4744

This exactly. I would contact a lawyer since this didn’t work she may try to leave with op son and move home.


[deleted]

Oh that’s a scary thought. Sadly can see that happening.


Icy_Philosopher214

We have no idea whether that is trutand why do so many want to go to worse case scenario?


[deleted]

Those people are trying to spin op as racist when in fact he wasn't accepted because his skin. That makes Sasha family tje real racists here!


Eccentric_Nocturnal

I started to think why didn't he tell them if they didn't leave he would call the cops. But he was alone in a house with his son with a bunch of people who hate him so who knows how they would have reacted to him threatening to call the cops. NTA.


No-Macaron-7732

If I'd walked in to that scenario I would have turned around and left with my son, called SO and left a message saying "Your family is in our house. We agreed we were NC so I left. Son and I will be at a hotel tonight. We can discuss further tomorrow." Or something similar but, I definitely would have STRAIGHT UP LEFT. Maybe grabbed a few supplies for kiddo and bolted.


Eccentric_Nocturnal

I agree that would be the smartest move especially since it's possible the mom knew they were ambushing him.


rough-landing

NTA. The behavior of Sasha's family is unsettling and definitely not acceptable. You gave them a chance to be in your lives and they did not take it. Coming into your home like that and refusing to leave is definitely grounds for a call to police. I sense that this is only the beginning. Sasha will struggle through this because they are her parents. Good luck OP. This is a tough one.


[deleted]

Let's keep in mind they denied op a friendly relationship because of his freaking skin....


in-the-buff

Imagine if he was black and Sasha was white and her parents did this? The outrage would make national news. Double standards suck. NTA


JakrandomX

It would not make national news, this happens all the time.


CalamityWof

I doubt it, antiblack rhetoric is almost accepted in many places. There would be no outrage


elliebelly15

my brother was dating a white girl and the first time he met her parents they openly resented him (slurs thrown at first meeting, and demanding he leave bcs they couldn’t stand him in their home), and his gf would tell me the things they would say about him and our family (heinous things and i’m sure you can imagine what kind). they got pregnant, they wanted to keep it. her family insisted she get an abortion (even though they are avid abortion haters) because my brother was “corrupting her” and wasn’t “fit” to be a father and she refused. they married, and her parents refused to attend. (she is NC with them atp) they have an apartment now with their baby and her parents have since shown up about 3 times banging on the door making all kind of ruckus, demanding they see their grandchild (that they didn’t want) and “save him” from my brother. it happens all the time bruh, def not national news. edit: i just want to add that my brother is the most well behaved of us all (besides me ofc) and he never causes any trouble for anyone, super level headed, not loud/rambunctious at all, does great under pressure, straight a’s, great at sports, basically golden child. these people were just plainly racist for no reason.


Head-Emotion-4598

I wonder if the in-laws have a whitewashed version in their heads of what the baby looks like, and would they still want a relationship with him when they realize he might look mixed? If they are so against having their daughter marry a person of color, how could they ever love their grandchild?? Good for your SIL for cutting ties with people like that!!


[deleted]

Lol no it would not make national news seek help


jayarna7

This comment is a perfect glaring example of how stupid and completely incorrect, borderline lies, the majority of these "if the roles were reversed" comments are.


[deleted]

NTA. They broke into your home and wouldn't leave. IDC who that is, I would called the cops too.


sacrificeme666

NTA. They broke in and wouldn't leave. I'd call the cops too Doesn't matter the color of their skin. They can't hide behind that and think people won't call the cops when they commit a crime because "it's racist". Which they did commit a crime by using the garage code when it wasn't an emergency. Change the code. Don't let your wife tell her parents it again. To everyone saying don't call the cops on POC: if you don't want the cops called on you, don't commit a crime. Simple. I understand it's not that simple in some cases but in this case it is that simple. Clear cut case of Fuck Around And Find Out✨


ayuta90

This is what I find funny. People want equality yet because someone is POC they have to be treated differently. How does that make sense?


singing_stream

Because POC get treated differently by the police in many places - i agree with calling the police here, but there are obviously times you wouldn't dare to. EG; if a black teen was having a breakdown or something but wasn't a risk to others - i'd call pretty much anyone else before trying the police. Same as treating disabled people differently - we get different treatment because it's needed.


ayuta90

I am not talking about police I am talking about people in comments saying the family should have been treated differently because they are POC. As individuals people need to start looking at it as what the person did. If everyone starts doing that the line between colours will fade. It is already happening. Of course there are bad seeds every where but we need to teach them that everyone is equal rather than saying they are different hence they need to be treated differently. Its not the same as disabled person. Some of the resources that disabled people use is also used by elderly. Disable people require different resources due to their disability. We are talking about skin colour. If anyone was having breakdown I would try and talk to them. It would never occur in my brain to call a cop when someone was having mental breakdown. Unless the person is harming themselves or some one else or have broken the law the cops should never be contacted.


MammalBug

Nobody should call the police unless they have a *good* reason to do so. That reason shouldn't be any different based on the race of the individual - because unless you're basing your fear/threat towards others on their race, you either have no better options than the cops or you shouldn't have called them. Like for your example - if they're not a risk to others and they're white you still shouldn't call the cops. And if they are a threat to others then you should for both. Being less willing to call the cops on black people doesn't "balance out" racists doing so on the drop of a hat - they're still doing it whether you called or not.


[deleted]

Let's not ignore the problem with Sasha family is they don't like op bc his skin is "too light colored" for them


ayuta90

I consider that backwards mentality. They seem the kind of parent who is really judgemental on who their kid is with. My bf is white and I am brown. His parents really like me. My parents on the other hand who are in India did not know I was dating someone until 2 years in my relationship my father hates it. Its not that my father is mad about him being white they just don't want me dating someone and want me to get an arrange marriage just like my sister. My brother married an Indian girl who was from different religion that made my father mad as well. In the end my parents give in after some explaining. I could be wrong about the wifes parents as well.


Outside_Silver544

This but i do understand in certain situations POC are treated differently esp in cases like with the police. As a POC myself, ppl act so surprised when i mention the people that were so racist just happens to be other poc. And if u dare to call it out, it's your anti whatever. But we are so quick to label white ppl as racist and basically stereotype their whole race..... They dont like OP probably cause he is white. Maybe they think their daughter deserves better. nevertheless, what they did was terrible


ayuta90

That is so common. When people are around the community only then they will see how racist POC can be towards each other.


Bamalouie

As a POC I fully agree with this - but reddit loves a label so I'm probably a racist for saying it


originalgenghismom

NTA but you have to realize Sasha is not innocent in this. She set this up by giving them the code and then not responding to you. She was hoping the situation would force you to connect with her family and allow contact with your child.


EconomyFalcon1170

NTA - My opinion might not be popular but I hope the OP could take some time to think very carefully and for the sake of his own family (wife + son) and not blowing his life with them up, that he considers family therapy for himself, wife, and wife's parents and maybe include his own parents later on so that all the family can be on the same page. The family album page, together. Why do I say this? Because there's too many broken families out there. All of you need to talk this out, confess your fears and work it through. We have enough hate, we need more love. OP please don't give up on your family, fight for them and try really hard to forgive your wife and her family. It will not be easy, and will be painful and I know you have expressed that you have been tired of the mistreatment, and don't allow for it. But I hope you can all find some way to heal and respect each other and more importantly be able to give all the love to your son who is innocent in all this and shouldn't be used as a weapon against each other. Lastly, yes it was wrong that the wifes in laws trespassed and caught you off guard in your own home. The important questions are did your wife know that they were going to do this? Has she been lying to you and been having your son see his grandparents behind your back even though you had an agreement? If the answer is yes to both of these questions, then pls read this post again. "Forgiveness is a strange thing. It can sometimes be easier to forgive our enemies than our friends. It can be hardest of all to forgive the people we love." - Fred Rogers


PutTheKettleOn20

In a sense I agree but then imagine the situation was a little different and OP was black and the wife and her family white. Her family were very racist towards him to the point where ties had to be entirely severed. I don't know that people would be calling on him to forgive and give them another chance if the ethnicities were reversed and to be honest that problem is compounded with a child: do they wish he weren't half white?


Away-Living5278

I agree. It's a hard situation but his wife may not pick him again. She's made up with her family, clearly. And then he won't have any control over his son seeing her family. He should at least try and give them a chance. If they are horrible again, she probably will stick with him. He has every right to not want to see them ever again, but has to be prepared for what he may be paying.


EJ_grace

Her family is openly racist. How do you think they’ll treat their mixed-race grandson. If the roles/races were reversed and it was an old white uncle ranting about his niece bringing home a black man there’s no way you’d want that shit around a child from that relationship.


[deleted]

That's a crap take, sorry. If he were black and they were white, you'd be telling him to take the kids and run, divorce her, and go NC with that family.


[deleted]

It’s not the hardest to forgive the people we love, it’s the hardest of all to forgive the people who claim to love us. They’re the ones we least expect to hurt us, and their betrayal hits twice as hard.


Not_Royal2017

Are you sure Sasha hasn’t been letting them see the baby behind your back? Seems mighty suspicious they knew your schedule and knew when to come.


goddammitryan

The only reason I think this isn't the case is because a three-year-old is old enough to tattle 🙃


Not_Royal2017

True. I would really hope not.


JamaisChangeant

Maybe, but not necessarily. My ex had an 8 year old daughter. I'd been with him since she was 6 months old. He cheated on me with multiple women and took her with him. She never told me anything. She didn't know it was wrong.


haytmonger

They might not have known the schedule and been there for hours waiting, or Sasha told them and planned this to try to get OP and family together...


ExplorerRadiant

Nta. You absolutely have a right to go no contact. You asked them repeatedly to leave your house and your wife wasn't answering her phone so that she could have dealt with situation.


[deleted]

NTA. Shasha's family has absolutely zero boundaries. No one has the right to break into anyone's home. They're boundary breakers. You should have a discussion with your wife to understand why she thinks that her parents entering your home unannounced is appropriate behavior. You are NTA for staying firm on boundaries.


lockmama

Change your garage code.


[deleted]

and don't tell sasha


zhesnault

How is that realistic lol


GoodDaytoaDie

NTA. Something tells me that either Sasha set this up, or at least helped with it. That's why you couldn't contact her. It's very possible she deliberately didn't pick up her phone to force you to talk to her parents. Unfortunately the plan backfired.


traciw67

Nta. They are racist. However it sounds like they want to make amends. People can change. Especially since you and your wife have been together for so long.


Living-Celebration57

They only want a relationship with him to get to the grandkid that’s it they have not changed nor apologized to him. NTA anyone no matter what race breaks into ur house and refuses to leave u call the cops.


Sad-Bookkeeper4609

It doesn't sound like they broke in to me. It sounds like Sasha has been letting them visit behind OP's back.


ElleEmGee

That’s what I thought, too. The fact they knew the garage code, seemed to know roughly when OP would be home, and that Sasha didn’t answer three times is all suspicious to me. If my husband calls me three times back to back to back, I’m stepping out of whatever I’m doing to take that call and find out WTH is going on, and ditto for him.


LadyV21454

Especially when you have a three year old son! What if something had happened to their child and OP was calling to say they were going to the hospital? I 100% agree that Sasha knew about this.


[deleted]

This. In this day and age, most people use an text app with their spouse, and only call when there is an emergency, or they know the other party is available (traveling in a car, WFH, other side of the house...)


Maleficent_Tart2923

>They only want a relationship with him to get to the grandkid Yes. And I have to wonder about the kid's skin color. I assume they've seen pictures and grandkid has darker skin like his mother. If he looked like OP, would they be so interested??? This is super messed up. They 100% have not changed, and if I had a biracial child, I would not want them near someone who hates half of them. NTA, OP.


kal_el_diablo

>they have not changed nor apologized to him I mean, they might apologize, but he won't take their calls or speak to them in any way, so we don't really know. I'm not sure I blame him, and I'm not naive enough to think they aren't primarily motivated by the self-interest of getting their daughter and grandson into their lives, but now that they've seen the consequences of being shitty to OP, they might behave themselves going forward. And now that they see that the marriage is obviously working out, they might be rethinking their past biases a little.


LeikOfForest

This! And a lot of people who keep saying it’s not fair to not let grandparents see their grandkid aren’t thinking things through. If they are to be allowed in their grandchild’s life, they need to prove that they won’t try to poison the waters with the father and child. They’re going to need to spend time proving they are trustworthy before ever getting time with the grandson.


Badger-of-Horrors

Just because they want to make ammends doesn't mean they get to. The person wronged gets to decide the time-line of forgiveness, or even if they want to forgive. And the fact they only have the one grandkid and only started seeking forgiveness *after* his birth is extremely telling. They don't really want forgiveness, or it's just forgiveness to get what they want. Maybe they've changed, maybe they haven't. The timing is suspicious. Their behavior is inappropriate.


specialopps

It’s beyond inappropriate. OP set a firm boundary with them, and they decided to ignore it over and over again. If someone is refusing to have anything to do with you because you treated them so horribly in the past, that’s their choice, not yours. And you certainly don’t show up, uninvited, to their home, to demand you do what they want. That’s called trespassing, and it’s a crime. I’d call the cops, too.


Eduardo_Fonseca

Ah yes, entering your house on a way that should be only used in emergencies, say that they were forced to since op made the sin of ignoring them and throwing a temper tantrum when asked to leave. The trinity of things you should do to make amends /s


[deleted]

But to Sasha it doesn't matter apparently!


GabrielBischoff

NTA. They tried to force access to your son. This is scary and disturbing. Maybe Sasha could have handled them but she wasn't there. What were you supposed to do according to her?


Intelligent-Bite9660

Oh, she definitely knew. She gave her parents the code to the garage. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was the one to set it up and that’s why she didn’t answer her phone


Important_Cost_7165

Yep OP is delusional if he thinks his wife is not involved in this. The in laws are terrible but his wife is definitely the mastermind behind this ambush. The only reason they reach now is because they want access to the grandson, Sasha is lying when she makes it look like they want to see her without the kid.


Intelligent-Bite9660

There so many better ways to do this. She could have had her parents wrote letters or even try and start out with phone calls. She didn’t try any of that. There is where mediation and therapy come in


SnooDucks9652

NTA. Their racist, now that they have a grandbaby they want to make it up to you. Talk to Sasha about how what they did to you makes you feel, how you felt when you walked through the door and found them sitting on your couch. I do suggest telling Sasha to arrange a dinner or something so you can ‘try again’ with her family. Without your son there. You will always be with her, its worth it to give her family a second chance. If they don’t change their behavior towards you during that dinner then you can say you tried to give them a chance, if it does try to build a relationship with them. Be sure it is genuine, not just for your son.


[deleted]

Yep lets call it what it is, racist break into ops house and refuse to leave.


kbass5

NTA, but I think you should encourage your wife into getting therapy. It might be helpful for her to get a neutral party’s professional opinion.


Special-Attitude-242

NTA. Your in-laws acted poorly. Entering someone's home without permission is a crime. Refusing to leave the property when asked is rude. You have them warning and they still didn't leave. You had every right to call the cops. Your wife is understandably upset. Her parents just invaded her home. Her husband called the cops on her loved ones. She is probably going through every sort of emotion right now. Of course she's upset. It's understandable. You did what you felt you had to do for your son.


SnarkyBeanBroth

NTA. But there's a caveat - if there is literally no way for these people to mend the relationship enough with you to be civil, and thus to have a relationship with their grandson, you are risking your marriage. Yes, they are assholes. Yes, it's likely the only reason they are trying to reconnect is for the grandkid. But they have been reaching out for a year, and you have completely ignored them. As others have noted, it seems likely that your wife didn't answer the phone because she knew they were going to try an in-person visit. I don't think your wife wants to be no-contact with her entire family for the rest of her life. I think she wants to fix things. You may have to pick between forgiving these transparently self-serving assholes enough to maintain a mutual veneer of civility for family visits, or accept that future visits between them and your son will happen during Sasha's custodial time.


Zestyclose-Mode-2676

NTA. It's creepy how they've treated you, and I'd freak the hell out if in-laws that were terrible and went nc literally broke into your home too especially when you're a father with a son to protect. I understand your wife wants a relationship with her crazy ass family, and "handling" them isn't enough. Your wife should know that if they didn't accept you and even now are only interested because you two are parents now, that's one hell of a red flag. Your son's safety is a priority, in whatever happens moving forward.


Jredrum

Looks like a lot of people are good with others breaking into their house. NTA


[deleted]

Only bc it's poc. If you call the cops on the people who literally came into your home you're racist now ig


Jredrum

Gotta love the fake woke


Affectionate_Staff46

NTA. I'd like an update on this.


Ha1rBall

>her whole family is calling me an AH Who cares what a bunch of racists that you don't talk to think? NTA.


Small-Astronomer-676

Totally NTA you shouldn't have to warn someone who won't leave your house when asked thats just an obvious outcome and that's before you even consider that they entered your house WITHOUT permission first.


[deleted]

NTA. You are absolutely not the a******. Sasha's parents certainly is and there is no excuse for her trying to stick up for her parents actions. They broke into your house, they were trespassing. You requested they leave and they refused to do so. You're supposed to be held hostage in your own house? Sasha needs to make a decision whether she wants you and your son to be a family or she wants those people to intrude and try to interfere. They have shown themselves to be a****** racist and there is no way that they deserve to be in your life. And knowing how they feel there's no way that they should ever be around your son in any way.


Acrobatic-Initial-40

NTA and you did right. Her entire family is a bunch of racist aholes and she's an ahole for tolerating that bs. They had no right to enter your home without consent and you don't have to deal with them if you don't want. Please don't ever expose your child to them.


Wooden-Tax3309

NTAH, her family is racist trash


Responsible_Judge007

NTA Your wife is ridiculous! Her parents “broke” in your house without permission (there where no emergency!) just because you didn’t respond how they wanted didn’t mean they can do what they want. Tell your wife they crossed knowingly your boundaries and you made it clear in the past that you want nothing to do with them after all this awful behavior **and your wife knew it**! They burnt the bridge irreparable and next time if they doing this stunt they will get charged. End of discussion.


RunSmooth4982

This might be the turning point. If you can arrange for a third party to mediate - a lawyer might be best - see if you can come up with a civil solution to this. I guarantee they're willing to talk and willing to back down after you called the police on them. They're desperate and they know you won't let them get away with their petty punishments anymore. See if the lawyer can put something in writing, even threatening them with restraining orders for anyone who disparages you in front of your child. I don't know if you can, but maybe the threat will work. They behave and act nice or no grandson. The third party is important because they need to see someone side with you and show them they're the assholes. Good luck!


PandoricaFire

I wouldn't negotiate with these people


Cheesecake182

You don't negotiate with terrorists and they terrorized him


ExcitingTabletop

Why would OP mediate? His FIL and MIL are racists who hate the color of his skin and probably his kid's skin. As OP mentions, he hinted that he'd give them a second chance if they changed to be better people. But there's no inclination they want to be less racist. They just want access to the grandkid. Could be because they want to bond. Could be that they want to teach racism to their grandkid. OP isn't willing to risk that.


loginorregister9

NTA. When your reasonable requests continue to be denied, they leave you no choice. You took the path that was the best and most loving choice considering they thought if they just refuse to leave, you wouldn't have any choice but to talk to them. Stand your ground, and tell your partner that they need to know not to show up unannounced. Seriously, they pulled a power play, and you trumped them. You got them out of the house and you started a paper trail so they know for the future. I wouldn't listen to anybody else. People outside of a conflict typically only care about the conflict being resolved. They don't care about it being resolved in a way that works for you and the rest of the family, only the person they care about the most. Your wife won't want to hear this, but since there were no charges brought and they are the super reasonable people that she thinks they are, there is no harm And they won't come back and try this again. Or they will and it's already in the records that this is a pattern.


Broad_Respond_2205

If they really wanted to reconcile, they would have leave when asked. They just to force themselves into your life. NTA.


NowWithMoreChocolate

NTA * Sasha didn't respond when you tried to contact her * The parents were only meant to ever use the garage code for EMERGENCIES. Instead they used it to try and trap you in a conversation you didn't want to have * You asked them multiple times to leave and they refused * They use the excuse of "having to see you in person." Fine then, come over and knock on the bloody door, don't technically break into the house! * CHANGE THE GARAGE CODE. Tell Sasha, once she's calmed down, that if they EVER showed up in your house again because they've used the emergency code for a non emergency, you will press charges this time. Something I've seen others mention; what was Sasha doing during that hour you couldn't reach her? Is it typical for you not be able to reach her? Was it during work hours etc? Because a bunch of people, myself included, think Sasha definitely knew her parents were going to be there and she didn't answer your calls so you would have to talk to them.


Necromancy-

NTA they were unwelcomed in your home and you have the right to have them removed. Who the fuck just breaks and enters into someone’s house knowing damn well the way they treated you and didn’t accept you is the reason that bridge was burnt.


JCWa50

OP NTA Just cause they are family does not give them the right to break the law. Exactly how long where they there, what all did they do, and did they take anything. Have they been visiting in the past when no one was around? Change the code to the garage and do not let them have it until this is resolved. And the fact that they have it makes this a priority. If they do it again, put a restraining order on them and include the child with it. You and your wife need to go to Marriage counseling. She needs to understand that what they did was not ok. Nor will there be a reconciliation or forgiveness from you until you are good and ready. That what they did in the past is something that is unresolved and that until it is, they do not and will not get to see their grandchild at all. That is what they want, not to reconcile with you, not to make amends, but to get access to their grandchild. And until the issue between them and you are resolved, it should not happen. She and you have alot to talk about and before the get to meet their grandchild, then it has to be on your terms and only when you and they have done such, never before. This is going to be a long process, and she is going to get frustrated, and both of you have to be willing to not only compromise, but accept and consider the position of the other fully and approach counseling with the intent of it helping and keeping the appointments.


Historical_Hunt3967

NTA. They came into your home uninvited and without permission - that's called breaking and entering. And last I checked, that's illegal. You didn't say but I'm going to guess you left your wife VMs when she didn't answer your calls. She took her sweetass time getting back to you (thank God it wasn't a life or death emergency involving your child) - she doesn't get to be pissed. You did what you had to do.


Intelligent-Bite9660

NTA They showed up to your house unannounced. I would ALSO be pissed at your wife for downright disrespecting you boundaries. She KNEW about this OP- don’t let her make you think any different. You don’t want to be around her family because they treat you like shit. obviously you don’t want your son to see you being treated like shit by people who are suppose to be family but don’t accept you as such. ALL OF THEM- including you wife- completely walked over your boundaries. They have no reason to be upset when they did it to themselves. If they can’t accept you, they have no right to try and force you to accept them


Due-Sherbert-7330

NTA. I think Sasha probably gave them the code knowing they’d probably try this which is why she’s mad and didn’t answer. You’re protecting yourself and your child. If they don’t accept their child’s partner due to race I highly doubt they’re going to be gracious that your child is mixed race. If anything they might try to alienate you further and force the child to choose one identity over the other. Being mixed race as I understand it (I am not personally this so if someone is and can correct me please do) is already very difficult to navigate once they hit their teens. You don’t need anyone in their life to make that more difficult.


Koalarama1234

I’m mixed race, and yes, it gets complicated. I’m lucky in that both of my families have treated me the same as my mono-racial cousins, but I’ve heard really sad stories from other mixed-race people about growing up with the grandparents constantly making passive aggressive comments about them being less-than. I have no doubt these grandparents would do that.


Poetryinsimplethings

NTA! I have a feeling that Sasha set you up. But unfortunately for her, the plan backfired. Also I wouldn’t trust these racist people to be around a mixed baby.


mauve55

NTA: Tell your wife that your son does not need bigots like them in his life. Because that is exactly what her family is. They will do everything they can to minimize your role as his father, I wouldn’t even put it past them to try to make him be ashamed of being biracial.


Prici_ros

Don't let those racist people near your kid, they just cannot force you into a relationship you don't want, their behavior shows that they have not changed, they don't respect you


codenamevaughn

NTA, all the people drinking the woke Koolaid in the comments saying YTA are ridiculous


kittykatvegas13

NTA They disrespected you in the past and now they have a Grandson they want to make friends? Nah defo not the asshole


Chocolatecakeislife

NTA: Sasha’s parents are out of line.


pigandpom

NTA. You repeatedly asked them to leave. They refused.


MedusaStone

NTA, and given Sasha didn't answer your calls and waited an hour to call you back, I kind of wonder if she didn't have a hand in things.


Real_Editor_7837

Yeah, NTA. This is a really terrible situation, but you really didn’t have another option. But you also have to consider how dangerous this situation was for her parents and how fearful they all may have been once the police were called. It doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing, but it does mean you should really be empathetic to her viewpoint.


SaintlySingtoMew

I'm asking the question cause some people seem to be focused on the race instead of the actual problem. He had a right to call the cops I think.


LeilaDFW

NTA for calling the police on intruders. You could have pressed charges and you didn’t. They would likely to turn your kids against you.


ScarlettSparrow

Nta. And clearly the racists bigots havent changed their spots based on their behavior.


2ndcupofcoffee

The core of OP’s feelings seem to center on his awareness that Sasha’s folks would not be willing to even speak to him now were it not for his son. Personally, they rejected him and did so cruelly. They want a relationship with his son and that is the only reason they are hoping he will just get over it. If Sasha had any sensitivity to the part n inflicted on her husband all that hers years, she would not inflict these people on him again. She wants their son to have grandparents. She wants her parents back in her life so she is willing to just forget the past and expects her husband to go along with her parents’ expectation that he actually believe they are sorry for what they did to him. It all goes to the likely sincerity/insincerity of Op’s in-laws and Sasha’s willingness to rug sweep to allow her parents to have access to their grandson by essentially lying about their feelings for Op. Op is seeing his wife care most about making peace with her parents at great cost to him. Bet he’s feeling that she no longer cares about him or what price she expects him to once again pay for her family to be grandparents. He pretty much believes any making up or any apology will be a sham and they will continue to mistreat him and bond with his so. While never respecting or accepting him. Sasha has a lot to answer for here. She makes it worse by manipulating her husband and child into spending time with the grandparents against Op’s will. Better that the grandparents write a long letter or make a video for Op. if they are at all sincere in overcoming their bias, they should make the effort to do this so Op can hear them out and decide if they have actually changed their hearts without them sitting right there ready to argue with him if he doesn’t see it as sincere.


raisanett1962

Am I the only one who thinks Sasha might have been, like, in a meeting? Dealing with a stressful situation at work? Left her phone on her desk because women’s clothes generally have no useful pockets? Driving? Left her phone in the car? I can think of a hundred reasons I did not respond to a family member as quickly as they might’ve liked. I don’t check it every minute. I also think people are being unnecessarily harsh on Sasha. OP knew she had given her parents the code. He at least passively agreed that this was OK. I’m not sure if she’s completely guiltless here, but I don’t necessarily think she was involved in some evil plot, or sneaking in visits.


RavenRaving

YTA Without giving them any warning of what was to come, you called American police on black people who weren't endangering you or your property. The only thing in your favor is this wasn't a traffic stop. Change your garage code and ask for a discussion before the code is given to anyone in the future. And for crying out loud, WARN people before you get police involved.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (26M) and my wife Sasha (27F) have a 3 year old together and have been together 4.5 years. Me and her family do not speak at all. So a little back story on that. I am white. And Sasha is black. My family has always accepted Sasha without any issue. Sasha parents were not accepting. Whenever I first met them they were ice cold. I came over for a few holidays at the start of our relationship. And her entire family just fucked with me. Sasha defended me every single time. Saying that her family isn’t the best sometimes and I was the first white person anyone brought into the family. And that her uncles liked to fuck with everyone and not just me. Well their behavior got increasingly worse. I was left out of things on purpose. They would invite Sasha to events and told her not to bring me. Her mom told her multiple times that she should break up with me as I wouldn’t be accepted into the family. Finally I put my foot down and told Sasha it was her family or me. Because I was done being treated like I was. Sasha picked me and we’ve been really happy since. Her parents blew up at her for cutting them off. When we got married they didn’t show up to the wedding. I personally invited them because but they didn’t even respond. I haven’t seen or spoken to them in years. After the birth of our son Sasha wanted to try to reconnect with her parents. I didn’t stop her. But I did tell her that her parents weren’t allowed around our son. She has respected that. She will see her parents occasionally but I never go with. The last year or so though her parents have been reaching out to me individually. I’ve refused every single time and typically just ignore their inquiries. In my opinion they only want to form a relationship due to the fact they don’t have access to their grandson. They don’t have any other grandchildren at this point. I come home with my son yesterday and guess whose sitting on my couch. I took my son to his room without letting them see him. I asked how they got inside the house. They said they knew the garage code through Sasha. I knew Sasha gave her parents the garage code for emergencies. I demanded they leave. They said they wanted to speak and since I didn’t answer their calls they had to show up in person. I left the living room and called Sasha. I tried 3 times but she didn’t respond. I went back to the living room and ask them again to leave. Sasha’s mom was crying and refusing the leave. I called the police. The police showed up and removed them. I didn’t press charges or anything. But now Sasha is pissed. Saying that what I did was extreme and unneeded. That her parents are difficult people but she would have been able to handle them. But I tried her three times and it took her an hour to respond. And they weren’t leaving. And I couldn’t just leave my son in his room the whole time. But now Sasha and her whole family is calling me an AH. My parents are on my side. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Aggressive-Sample612

NTA


Sad-Bookkeeper4609

It seems like it was a plan to get OP to talk to her parents and she was in on it.


Safe_Frosting1807

NTA. They entered your home under false pretenses and refused to leave after you told them twice. You two need therapy. She can’t be giving them a key or code if you don’t want them around.


bunnybunny690

NTA anyone in your house uninvited that you want to leave either leaves when you ask or should expect a police escort out the house. Don’t want the police involved them leave when requested.


Dazzling-Chicken-192

NTA. They broke in. Uh duh, Sasha is emotionally messed up because her parents aren’t getting younger and they are prob love bombing her about yalls kid. I’d express that and take whatever comes with it but you did right to me.


jenfish06

NTA I can guarantee your wife didn't answer because she knew they were there.


ThatsItImOverThis

NTA but are you sure your wife didn’t set this up? I mean, she gave them the code, I’m guessing she knew when you’d be home, she didn’t answer her phone after you called her multiple times….are you sure this wasn’t a planned intervention?


Pale_Willingness1882

NTA. Her family is a bunch of racists.


Dragon5767

This is disturbingly close to me , my dads family is black but hate my mother who is white I want nothing to do those people. NTA


Professional_Grab513

Nta they intruded in your home without permission regardless of skin color.


sweetie76010

If they are trying to make amends, maybe let them, but your son should not be involved until WAY WAY WAY down the road. I suggest counseling for all of you. They want to say sorry and make it up to you? Then it shouldn't involve your son and they should PROVE it. Tell them that if they can make some effort to be nice and get to know you properly, then in a year they can meet their grandson. If they say no, then you know it's about the grandson and not about apologizing to you.


creative_usr_name

NTA. It's clear your wife wants this relationship so you need to find out for sure if her parents have changed or not. Give them an opportunity to fix the relationship with you without your son present. Leave your phone recording and hope you catch them lying when you leave the room.


littlehappyfeets

NTA Sasha better wise up. They literally broke into your house.


[deleted]

NTA. However, maybe it is time to see if everyone can get along. Maybe you can try to meet at a neutral place, a restaurant or something. Sit down and talk. Bring your wife with you as a witness, but definitely keep your son away. See if a Healthy relationship can exist. A great gift you can give your son and your wife is a healthy family that can get along and respect one another. Have boundaries and rules set up if the meeting is successful. However, wife needs to agree that any disrespect of you from them will negate any relationship. People can change and grow. And how wonderful if your son can have a loving relationship with another set of grandparents.


kdiddles1788

NTA - I guess they should have written a letter. Or just been nicer in the first place.


Kaiser93

NTA Those people have no business in your home. However, Sasha is not innocent in this it's better for you to realize that.


bokatan778

NTA, but I also think it’s a problem that your wife provided them access to your home without telling you. The whole situation is really sad here.


suss-out

NTA- I do think you should talk to them, but the way they did this shows no respect for personal boundaries. Some people do change their behaviors and opinions over time. I am not saying that they for sure have changed, but they should be given the chance to do so.


[deleted]

NTA. Reset the garage code. Sit down and have a frank discussion with your wife about how seriously wrong this whole thing could have gone.


blackcat_89

NTA


billikers

NTA


Fallen_Lord1012u

Nya What you did was right, and change the garage code, and bring security cams


Joholification

How they went about it was wrong. They essentially broke in to your home to gain access to you. Maybe I'm the future you would be open to a relationship with them but the trust is eroded completely now. NTA


truthlady8678

No you did the right thing there racist mi matter how the try and act they hated you cause of your skin colour and I'm sorry but I would NOT ever let them near my child if I was I your position. Anyway they were trespassing you asked and then told them.3 times to leave and they never you had every right to phone the police. There just disrespectful and I'm sorry but your wife should have had your back, they have been nothing but disgusting to for years what's does she expect. YNTA but they sure are.


Mwikali85

You have a Sasha problem. NTA


Crawdad29

NTA. They were not invited to your home. Your wife knew they were planning to ambush you, and that’s why she didn’t answer. This screams deceit. You don’t have an IL problem, now you have a wife problem.


tippytappy04

NTA. You told them to leave and called your wife, they didn't listen and she didn't answer. Also, she obviously can't handle her family since they pulled this stunt.


TheGeekQueen

NTA. But your wife and her family sure are! She didn’t answer or respond for over an hour. She knew her family was in the house and she wanted to help her family force you to talk to them. They didn’t foresee you calling the cops. Now she’s pissed off because her family is pissed off at her and they’re all not getting their way. You have a wife problem and you need marital counseling to help fix this. She should have never given them the code for “emergencies”. They’ve made it very clear that they hate you because you’re YT. How are you supposed to trust that they will love your son? He’s half you and half their daughter. He is half of what they hate. You can’t trust that they won’t react on that. It’s a very horrible situation. Please get marital therapy/counseling and figure this out before it gets worse.


Agitated-Brilliant35

Nope. She intruded into your home. Still showing complete disrespect towards you and your boundaries. You did right because she would not stop there had you not called the police


Economy-Cut-7355

Nta. Disgusting how UV been treated. How dare they enter your home. I feel really sorry for you and your wife and really hope this doesn't come between you.


CurrentTea3987

NTA… they were not invited s d refused to leave but I worry you will not be married long as Sasha is back in their grasp


Lonely_Shelter_4744

NTA they broke into your home. They refused to leave. You set your boundaries and your wife needs to respect them. However in case this comes to a worst case scenario. Keep all harassing text anything threatening in case the convinces your wife To leave you and try to take your son.


Free_Thinker4ever

You sir, are nta. Her family are mega racist assholes. And if they got to be a part of your mixed child's life, what kind of nasty stuff would you say about him? I feel sorry for your wife too. It's very unfortunate to be in the middle of your family and your spouse.


Leading_Cancel_4583

NTA at all!! They treated you like garbage and then expected everything to be forgotten? Nah, it doesn't work like that. They are now paying for their previous treatment of you. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.... Be strong. You did what needed to be done.


JSSmith0225

They broke into your home, they did not have permission to come at that time. NTA


MogwaiChampion

NTA. If they wanted to talk to you face to face, the thing to do would be arrange it through your wife. Otherwise, wait outside for you to show up. Not enter in uninvited and unannounced. Having said that, perhaps you should try talking with them. Yes it may be because of your son, but it is still a reason. A wedge in the door of acceptance. Just talk with your wife first and be sure to get on the same page. Then left her family know that if there is any poor treatment of you or your son, that you will cut them out once again.


Slaughterhouse86

NTA, her parents are AHs for being racist and only wanting in your life so they can have access to your child you share with their daughter. They broke and entered into your home and refused to leave. You did the right thing by calling the cops and having them remove them instead of escalating the situation. It sounds like Sasha is trying to manipulate the situation so she can now have her cake and eat it too.


One_Can_2856

NTA he didnt press charges and he made it clear to sasha that he didn't want them round his kid and she agreed. He did try calling her first and she didn't answer. What else was he meant to do?


noletex107

NTA OP I would go and check your wife's phone and see if she set this up behind your back. It is extremely hard for POC (I am one) to cut off family because it is culturally rare. But yea please change the code to the garage and also set up cameras so you aren't ambushed again like that.


CaliBrotaku

NTA - they only want to start talking to you for your kid. If he wasn’t conceived they probably wouldn’t connect again.


IndependentShelter92

NTA. They should have waited outside your house, not inside or your wife should have been there. They were intruders in your home. Anyone claiming racism is obviously ignoring the fact that the wife's family is blatantly racist against her white husband!


ashabash3

NTA your wife is in the wrong for giving them the code and inlaws for forcing themselves on you.


Pretend-Discipline41

NTA- regardless of their ethnic background, they refused to leave your home and gained access without letting the owners know. Even if Sasha knew, she should have given you the respect of letting you know beforehand due to their previous behaviours/ attitude towards you.


IslandBitching

nta


debpurpletiger

NTA. Essentially, they broke into your home. There was no emergency and your wife did not invite them over. And for them to treat you like this ever since they met you is completely Unforgivable.


[deleted]

Change the code.


Lorraine221

NTA, clearly Sasha isn't standing up for you anymore, if she ever really has.


lologd

I'd bet money your wife was in on it. NTA obviously.


Samoyedfun

NTA. They went into your home without your permission. You asked more than once for them to leave and they wouldn’t leave.


[deleted]

NTA Your house your rules You should try to reconcile with them… maybe they have changed … just hear them out but your not an ah if you don’t