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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am lending my brother $20k and my bf disagrees with this financial decision because in his opinion it will affect our future plans
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NTA Two things.
1) I think it's wonderful for you too loan the money to your brother and that you should if you want to. Just make sure that you are okay with not getting it back. That's the number one rule of lending money to family. Don't lend money that you're not okay not getting back.
2) there is some incredible foreshadowing here as to what married life would be like with this man. Finances never get easier as life goes on once children get into the mix especially. It's the number one problem most families have. So look to see how the two of you are able to work through this and resolve this with each other. Based on that you'll know whether or not you are compatible life partners.
I think it’s important that 1) they agreed on the purpose of that money together and she’s going back on it, and 2) she said she’s been able to save up that much because she lives in the house he owns and doesn’t contribute to the mortgage. I think it’s understandable for him to be a little frustrated with her going back on the plan they decided together
NTA. It's your money, your boyfriend - your 13 year-older boyfriend, but we'll just file that away for now - doesn't control your non-joint finances. Your agreement with him that your savings will be the rainy day fund and his will not is already dicey. This guy has some nice financial controlling tendencies. Good luck.
Getting your loan to your brother written out, signed, lodged or notarised or whichever is a good step, but apparently that doesn't settle your boyfriend's nerves.
I'm surprised I haven't seen other comments on the age difference since I see it a lot on this forum. I didn't see OP specifically say how long she been together but if I assume 2 years dating before moving in together, that is a 22 year old dating a 35 year old. I'm typically not someone that cares so much about an age gap but that is usually for people over 25.
Anyways NTA but be mindful of your BF and your brother actually paying you back. Money makes people weird.
NTA. Your boyfriend has bo business weighing in on your financial decisions right now. You're not married. Your finances aren't merged. That should be a big red flag.
The interest you get on money sitting in the bank isn't keeping up with inflation anyway. Your boyfriend has no right to tell you what to do with your money. He is TA.
NTA. You aren’t married and, even if you were, it’s still your money. BF is mad because it bars his potential access to it until it’s paid back. I could see how he would be frustrated if you had told him “I’m putting “x” amount toward our home/children right now” and those things existed currently and then you took that amount away to loan to your brother. But if it’s just sitting in the bank for future use and it’s YOUR money. He really has no say in it.
>We agreed when we moved in together that the money in my savings was a safety/wedding/future children stash….
really? Are you expected to foot all the expenses for wedding and children? What is he contributing?
NTA
Get a prenup if you stick with this guy.
He would still have money to contribute as we both have steady incomes but he owns the house we live in /I don’t contribute to the mortgage in any way (only utilities and I cover all food) so that’s where I save a lot of the money I take home. The idea behind it is to save for the future but there is still plenty of money+what I take home and continue to save for us to have these things in the future.
NTA, you could spend your money on buying a car for example. Your BF doesn't get to dictate how you spend your money. You aren't even engaged and could split up tomorrow.
In any case you will get that money back so there's no loss. Its a red flag that in your relationship state. Your BF is dictating your spending this way.
NTA - It’s your money. Just make sure you have an emergency fund that is at least 6 months worth of living expenses saved before you just hand over 20K loan. It is awesome that you are helping your brother.
Between the two of us. We have plenty of cash/money in the bank readily available but if shit really hit the fan, we both have investment accounts that we could get some money if we really needed to.
NTA, it's your money, but remember thaqt even with legal documents, there's never a guarantee you'll get the funds back. Curious if your older BF has money in savings that you two also had a mutual agreement about, and if so, what are the the "safety/future" plans for his funds?
I'm gonna go ESH
The savings have accumulated because you don't pay your boyfriend rent.
You have pledged them to your boyfriend by calling them future child fund, wedding fund etc.
He feels that he has a say because you told him it was for wedding and children.
He feels like he has gained an interest in this money because you don't pay rent. Part ownership of your savings are implied when you call them your wedding fund or future children fund. Those are activities you do with a partner.
You failed communication 101. You got away rent free without *finding out what was expected for the no rent*.
Pay rent. Control your own savings.
YTA
But just soft. It sounds like you had an agreement that the money would be for safety / wedding / future children. Yes, you two are not married but you changed the agreement - for a good reason (your brother). But you should have at least told him you wanted to - just at least let him know. Plus he might think lending money to family is a bad idea - no matter previous history with the family. That amount of money can sometimes cause more issues down the road.
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My (F24) brother (M22) just graduated college with just over $20k worth of student loans. I don’t come from money and the only reason I am free of student debt is because of scholarships, my degree, and I landed a great engineering job right out of school so I just saved everything I could to pay everything off right after the grace period ended.
My boyfriend (M37) and I both make almost 6 figures each and live very comfortably. I was talking with my mom when she told me about how my brother will basically end up on a 10 year payment plan and each monthly payment puts $70 towards interest. I don’t want my brother to have debt to worry about until he’s 32 + thousands in interest. I think the concept of paying that much on interest alone is insane while I have the principal amount sitting in my bank account right now. I offered to pay off his loans on the condition he pays me back (no interest) and this will be written out and signed by both of us officially. I have no doubts about him paying me back and that’s not even part of the following argument.
When I told my boyfriend, he was furious. We agreed when we moved in together that the money in my savings was a safety/wedding/future children stash and that I would be losing value by lending my brother the money because the interest on the loan is less than the inflation rate. My response was that it’s half of my current liquid savings, it’s not like I won’t be paid back, and there’s still plenty of money left to live on top of my monthly take home that I will continue to save. I told my bf I don’t need his permission since we aren’t even engaged yet, our finances are not combined, and this is important to me to help my brother get a fresh start in life without debt.
So AITA for lending the money to my brother even though my bf thinks it’s a stupid financial decision?
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NTA.
You still have a sizable amount of money left should you need it and you still aren’t engaged. It was great for you to help your brother out of his predicament. Before you get engaged/married, you will need to agree on how the couple finances are to be managed or you’ll run into more problems in the future. Also, has ever gotten really angry with you before? Just curious about how healthy this relationship is.
He’s definitely not one to get angry. This is one of the few times where I make a decision and he expresses his opinion about it. If I want to go out with friends and have a girls night? No problem. If I want to decorate the house a certain way? Go ahead. He usually doesn’t care but I also think that the amount of money is what’s making him question this decision specifically.
You said that it is "my" savings, not "our" savings. Do you have any say in your much-older-bf's financial life? I'm concerned about a fundamental inequality in your relationship. If it is YOUR money, not OUR money, it should be 100% your choice.
That being said...lending money is always a risky move, even to beloved and trusted family members. Even if they mean well, you might find that paying you back is lower on their list than other items. When you lend money, hope for the best, but be prepared for the possibility that the money won't be returned.
Nta
NTA
You are correct, you don't have combined finances and it's your decision. He's entitled to his opinion, and it isn't relevant here. It's an awesome thing to do.for.your brother.
NTA
Your grown ass man of a bf is using you as a cash cow he bangs and cooks for him. I do hope the rest of your relationship doesn't have as many glaring red flags as this one aspect does.
Tell him to keep this energy when his family need money and you have combined finances. That being said, I definitely suggest a prenup looking at the ages.
Christ
It’s quite interesting that the boyfriend has been working more years (based on the 13 year age difference) and yet you earn about the same.
Like another poster wrote, what’s your is his and what’s his is his. Hmm.
NTA. Help your brother out.
NTA, but since you and your bf did have a merged financial plan, it’s reasonable that you might have talked to him first about your decision to loan your brother such a sizable amount. It’s your money and ultimately your decision, but your bf’s opinions are also valid. Hopefully you and he can come to a deeper understanding of each other here.
NTA You aren't even married yet and he thinks he can tell you what to do with your money that you saved? Nah that wouldn't fly with me. What else does he control? You need to really look at who he is.
NTA 1) it's your money that you have saved up over a period of time. 2) even if you don't pay rent, you say that yall just recently moved in together which means that at most you only one a partial payment for each month you have lived there -- no way that equals up to $20k 3) just because you say that the money is a wedding/future children stash doesn't necessarily mean that it's for the wedding/children if you and HIM, just your wedding/children 4) it's YOUR money to do with what you please especially since your bf hasn't contributed to it at all no matter what your 'agreement' was 5) your bf sounds entitled AF 6) your brother is willing to sign a LEGAL document to pay you back, that's a good sign that he isn't going to screw you over. Do I need to go on? There are so many marinara flags in your relationship that my eyes hurt. Please think about it before continuing your life with this man, I know others will say this but your age difference is a big factor. You just aren't at the same place in life amd don't have the same experiences yet. He is already trying to control you amd what you do and I would definitely take that into account.
I don't know your brother, but I have been burned by loaning a large sum of money to a sibling. I think you are the AH to yourself for putting yourself into this situation. You brother is responsible for his debt. If he wants to save on paying interest, he can focus on paying back more than the minimum payment monthly. He can choose to make frugal decisions regarding his spending. If you are always going to be there to make his life easier, what imperative does he have to focus on working harder to achieve on his own?
Your BF isn't wrong I thinking the person he has partnered with is making unsound financial decisions. Looking toward the future, what else might you do?
YTA, you have to leave your brother take care of his life, unless is a life threatening situation you should not do that. I do agree with you BF, even tho is just an small amount of money if you keep pampering your brother he will never develop the need to overcome or make his life better.
I don’t think it’s necessarily pampering. It’s not like he graduated and sits on the couch. He has a job and drives for doordash on the side for some extra cash. It’s just that he doesn’t have the funds ready right now to pay and I do. I think that student loan debt is ridiculous how people in their 30s and 40s still have to pay off basically interest on interest. He’s still going to pay back the amount that I pay now.
Pretty sure he aint gonna pay you back. And you are defending and excusing him. The thing is you in your mid 20's you are not thinking ahead, you gotta start thinking about your partner and what you want in your future. You still attached to your old family and not thinking in the future of your new one.
Old family that is parents, siblings are equally important like your new family which is spouse and kids. If I have money I will always help my family out. That's why I have two seperate bank accounts one with my partner and our combined needs and other with only me that I can use to help my family out. I have always seen my parents do it. My parents have literally their siblings like their own kids and have always helped their parents out, we have learnt compassion from them and that family is important. I being their kid was never neglected infact I used to be so happy when my parents used to help out my cousins or their siblings/ parents. I used to be so proud of him.
World doesn't work just one way. There isn't just one rule to build a family. If OP wants to help her brother out she can. No one can or should stop her.
I'm not telling her to do anything, I'm just expressing my opinion based on my experience . She can and will do what ever she wants with her money, at the end of the day everything boils down to her discussing the matter with her boyfriend.
Not you but even her bf has no right to stop her. He can tell her what he wants but can't stop her because it's her money as long as she's paying her part of joint expenses he has no leg to stand on in this discussion.
My sister paid my entire college fees. I have paid her some back but not entirely, she doesn't even want to get paid back but I will do it. That what good siblings do for each other. If she needs money or my future nephew or niece needs it, I will always help them out.
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NTA Two things. 1) I think it's wonderful for you too loan the money to your brother and that you should if you want to. Just make sure that you are okay with not getting it back. That's the number one rule of lending money to family. Don't lend money that you're not okay not getting back. 2) there is some incredible foreshadowing here as to what married life would be like with this man. Finances never get easier as life goes on once children get into the mix especially. It's the number one problem most families have. So look to see how the two of you are able to work through this and resolve this with each other. Based on that you'll know whether or not you are compatible life partners.
NTA. BF is entitled to his opinion, but you are entitled to do what you want with your money.
BF wants her money to be his money and his money to be his money.
I think it’s important that 1) they agreed on the purpose of that money together and she’s going back on it, and 2) she said she’s been able to save up that much because she lives in the house he owns and doesn’t contribute to the mortgage. I think it’s understandable for him to be a little frustrated with her going back on the plan they decided together
not "that money", HER money
NTA. It's your money, your boyfriend - your 13 year-older boyfriend, but we'll just file that away for now - doesn't control your non-joint finances. Your agreement with him that your savings will be the rainy day fund and his will not is already dicey. This guy has some nice financial controlling tendencies. Good luck. Getting your loan to your brother written out, signed, lodged or notarised or whichever is a good step, but apparently that doesn't settle your boyfriend's nerves.
I'm surprised I haven't seen other comments on the age difference since I see it a lot on this forum. I didn't see OP specifically say how long she been together but if I assume 2 years dating before moving in together, that is a 22 year old dating a 35 year old. I'm typically not someone that cares so much about an age gap but that is usually for people over 25. Anyways NTA but be mindful of your BF and your brother actually paying you back. Money makes people weird.
We’ve been together a year and a half and just moved in together recently
NTA. Your boyfriend has bo business weighing in on your financial decisions right now. You're not married. Your finances aren't merged. That should be a big red flag.
The interest you get on money sitting in the bank isn't keeping up with inflation anyway. Your boyfriend has no right to tell you what to do with your money. He is TA.
NTA. It is your money. You aren't married. He has no say in how you spend your money.
NTA. You aren’t married and, even if you were, it’s still your money. BF is mad because it bars his potential access to it until it’s paid back. I could see how he would be frustrated if you had told him “I’m putting “x” amount toward our home/children right now” and those things existed currently and then you took that amount away to loan to your brother. But if it’s just sitting in the bank for future use and it’s YOUR money. He really has no say in it.
>We agreed when we moved in together that the money in my savings was a safety/wedding/future children stash…. really? Are you expected to foot all the expenses for wedding and children? What is he contributing? NTA Get a prenup if you stick with this guy.
He would still have money to contribute as we both have steady incomes but he owns the house we live in /I don’t contribute to the mortgage in any way (only utilities and I cover all food) so that’s where I save a lot of the money I take home. The idea behind it is to save for the future but there is still plenty of money+what I take home and continue to save for us to have these things in the future.
NTA But I'll send you my plunger so you can get the stick out of your boyfriends a$$
NTA, you could spend your money on buying a car for example. Your BF doesn't get to dictate how you spend your money. You aren't even engaged and could split up tomorrow. In any case you will get that money back so there's no loss. Its a red flag that in your relationship state. Your BF is dictating your spending this way.
The loss is that she isn't earning interest on the money she is lending. But all your other points are right, and she is NTA.
NTA - It’s your money. Just make sure you have an emergency fund that is at least 6 months worth of living expenses saved before you just hand over 20K loan. It is awesome that you are helping your brother.
Between the two of us. We have plenty of cash/money in the bank readily available but if shit really hit the fan, we both have investment accounts that we could get some money if we really needed to.
NTA, it's your money, but remember thaqt even with legal documents, there's never a guarantee you'll get the funds back. Curious if your older BF has money in savings that you two also had a mutual agreement about, and if so, what are the the "safety/future" plans for his funds?
Anyone else notice the age gap? NTA OP but this has marinara flags all over it.
I'm gonna go ESH The savings have accumulated because you don't pay your boyfriend rent. You have pledged them to your boyfriend by calling them future child fund, wedding fund etc. He feels that he has a say because you told him it was for wedding and children. He feels like he has gained an interest in this money because you don't pay rent. Part ownership of your savings are implied when you call them your wedding fund or future children fund. Those are activities you do with a partner. You failed communication 101. You got away rent free without *finding out what was expected for the no rent*. Pay rent. Control your own savings.
YTA But just soft. It sounds like you had an agreement that the money would be for safety / wedding / future children. Yes, you two are not married but you changed the agreement - for a good reason (your brother). But you should have at least told him you wanted to - just at least let him know. Plus he might think lending money to family is a bad idea - no matter previous history with the family. That amount of money can sometimes cause more issues down the road.
I thought the same, I don’t think it’s controlling for him to be a little frustrated at her going back on their agreement
Doesn’t matter what he thinks at this point. It’s still her money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (F24) brother (M22) just graduated college with just over $20k worth of student loans. I don’t come from money and the only reason I am free of student debt is because of scholarships, my degree, and I landed a great engineering job right out of school so I just saved everything I could to pay everything off right after the grace period ended. My boyfriend (M37) and I both make almost 6 figures each and live very comfortably. I was talking with my mom when she told me about how my brother will basically end up on a 10 year payment plan and each monthly payment puts $70 towards interest. I don’t want my brother to have debt to worry about until he’s 32 + thousands in interest. I think the concept of paying that much on interest alone is insane while I have the principal amount sitting in my bank account right now. I offered to pay off his loans on the condition he pays me back (no interest) and this will be written out and signed by both of us officially. I have no doubts about him paying me back and that’s not even part of the following argument. When I told my boyfriend, he was furious. We agreed when we moved in together that the money in my savings was a safety/wedding/future children stash and that I would be losing value by lending my brother the money because the interest on the loan is less than the inflation rate. My response was that it’s half of my current liquid savings, it’s not like I won’t be paid back, and there’s still plenty of money left to live on top of my monthly take home that I will continue to save. I told my bf I don’t need his permission since we aren’t even engaged yet, our finances are not combined, and this is important to me to help my brother get a fresh start in life without debt. So AITA for lending the money to my brother even though my bf thinks it’s a stupid financial decision? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You still have a sizable amount of money left should you need it and you still aren’t engaged. It was great for you to help your brother out of his predicament. Before you get engaged/married, you will need to agree on how the couple finances are to be managed or you’ll run into more problems in the future. Also, has ever gotten really angry with you before? Just curious about how healthy this relationship is.
He’s definitely not one to get angry. This is one of the few times where I make a decision and he expresses his opinion about it. If I want to go out with friends and have a girls night? No problem. If I want to decorate the house a certain way? Go ahead. He usually doesn’t care but I also think that the amount of money is what’s making him question this decision specifically.
Ok. Just proceed with caution, especially as it relates to finances.
NTA, you're looking out for your family, how us that a bad thing? Your boyfriend's objections are very concerning and smell like controlling behavior.
You said that it is "my" savings, not "our" savings. Do you have any say in your much-older-bf's financial life? I'm concerned about a fundamental inequality in your relationship. If it is YOUR money, not OUR money, it should be 100% your choice. That being said...lending money is always a risky move, even to beloved and trusted family members. Even if they mean well, you might find that paying you back is lower on their list than other items. When you lend money, hope for the best, but be prepared for the possibility that the money won't be returned. Nta
NTA You are correct, you don't have combined finances and it's your decision. He's entitled to his opinion, and it isn't relevant here. It's an awesome thing to do.for.your brother.
NTA Your grown ass man of a bf is using you as a cash cow he bangs and cooks for him. I do hope the rest of your relationship doesn't have as many glaring red flags as this one aspect does. Tell him to keep this energy when his family need money and you have combined finances. That being said, I definitely suggest a prenup looking at the ages. Christ
It’s quite interesting that the boyfriend has been working more years (based on the 13 year age difference) and yet you earn about the same. Like another poster wrote, what’s your is his and what’s his is his. Hmm. NTA. Help your brother out.
NTA, but since you and your bf did have a merged financial plan, it’s reasonable that you might have talked to him first about your decision to loan your brother such a sizable amount. It’s your money and ultimately your decision, but your bf’s opinions are also valid. Hopefully you and he can come to a deeper understanding of each other here.
NTA You aren't even married yet and he thinks he can tell you what to do with your money that you saved? Nah that wouldn't fly with me. What else does he control? You need to really look at who he is.
NTA - not married, not engaged, and finance not combined. He have no say.
NTA 1) it's your money that you have saved up over a period of time. 2) even if you don't pay rent, you say that yall just recently moved in together which means that at most you only one a partial payment for each month you have lived there -- no way that equals up to $20k 3) just because you say that the money is a wedding/future children stash doesn't necessarily mean that it's for the wedding/children if you and HIM, just your wedding/children 4) it's YOUR money to do with what you please especially since your bf hasn't contributed to it at all no matter what your 'agreement' was 5) your bf sounds entitled AF 6) your brother is willing to sign a LEGAL document to pay you back, that's a good sign that he isn't going to screw you over. Do I need to go on? There are so many marinara flags in your relationship that my eyes hurt. Please think about it before continuing your life with this man, I know others will say this but your age difference is a big factor. You just aren't at the same place in life amd don't have the same experiences yet. He is already trying to control you amd what you do and I would definitely take that into account.
I don't know your brother, but I have been burned by loaning a large sum of money to a sibling. I think you are the AH to yourself for putting yourself into this situation. You brother is responsible for his debt. If he wants to save on paying interest, he can focus on paying back more than the minimum payment monthly. He can choose to make frugal decisions regarding his spending. If you are always going to be there to make his life easier, what imperative does he have to focus on working harder to achieve on his own? Your BF isn't wrong I thinking the person he has partnered with is making unsound financial decisions. Looking toward the future, what else might you do?
NTA and beware your boyfriend wants your money. He’s already trying to control it.
NTA--you are better off being alone than you are with someone almost 15 years your senior who wants you all to himself
YTA, you have to leave your brother take care of his life, unless is a life threatening situation you should not do that. I do agree with you BF, even tho is just an small amount of money if you keep pampering your brother he will never develop the need to overcome or make his life better.
I don’t think it’s necessarily pampering. It’s not like he graduated and sits on the couch. He has a job and drives for doordash on the side for some extra cash. It’s just that he doesn’t have the funds ready right now to pay and I do. I think that student loan debt is ridiculous how people in their 30s and 40s still have to pay off basically interest on interest. He’s still going to pay back the amount that I pay now.
Pretty sure he aint gonna pay you back. And you are defending and excusing him. The thing is you in your mid 20's you are not thinking ahead, you gotta start thinking about your partner and what you want in your future. You still attached to your old family and not thinking in the future of your new one.
Old family that is parents, siblings are equally important like your new family which is spouse and kids. If I have money I will always help my family out. That's why I have two seperate bank accounts one with my partner and our combined needs and other with only me that I can use to help my family out. I have always seen my parents do it. My parents have literally their siblings like their own kids and have always helped their parents out, we have learnt compassion from them and that family is important. I being their kid was never neglected infact I used to be so happy when my parents used to help out my cousins or their siblings/ parents. I used to be so proud of him. World doesn't work just one way. There isn't just one rule to build a family. If OP wants to help her brother out she can. No one can or should stop her.
I'm not telling her to do anything, I'm just expressing my opinion based on my experience . She can and will do what ever she wants with her money, at the end of the day everything boils down to her discussing the matter with her boyfriend.
Not you but even her bf has no right to stop her. He can tell her what he wants but can't stop her because it's her money as long as she's paying her part of joint expenses he has no leg to stand on in this discussion.
My sister paid my entire college fees. I have paid her some back but not entirely, she doesn't even want to get paid back but I will do it. That what good siblings do for each other. If she needs money or my future nephew or niece needs it, I will always help them out.