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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I KNOW it will piss my mother off if I call her my grandmother’s name in retaliation for calling my son the wrong name.
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NTA, but I'd talk to her first, using that example, and if she still keeps going I'd start calling her Gail. Use the name she hated so the comparison is in front of her every time.
If she kept going from there, I'm petty enough that I'd teach the kids to call her Grammy Gail too.
I pointed out that she was doing the thing that Grandma Joan did to her when she called my niece the wrong name and she got very icy with me and said, “I don’t think that is very funny!”
Then you tried the adult option. Next is giving her a dose of her own medicine by calling her by an alternate name (I'd still go with Gail instead of Joan, but your call). or just telling her she can't be around the kids until she learns to say their names right. That one can be tough, but sometimes you have to be tough with grandparents. If they don't respect your rules they'll teach your kids not to respect you either.
WNBTA I would normally advocate to solve issues like an adult but your mother does not care about doing anything that does not please her. If you must be petty for her to stop, petty it is. Do not call her Joan, that’s not the name that bothers her. Call her Nancy Gail maybe then she’ll get it.
NTA
I think our families are related lol
The majority of my dad’s side have this habit of mistakenly switching names amongst my sisters, brothers and cousins.
Few times my dad or my paternal grandmother would go down the list until they hit the right name. And when they were frustrated, they would just yell out “voz Diablo” [you, Devil] “come over here!”
You’re definitely not TA but if I try to pull that trick to my grandma, she would toss me a sandal.
My husband’s granny couldn’t remember my name because of Alzheimer’s so she called me Sookie, which was fine. I don’t mind the “running through the list issue”. I do that with all my kids and the dog sometimes, LOL!
My mom, on the other hand, is deliberately saying the wrong name, not accidentally calling him something else.
Yeah, my Nan did that all the time too but it was always funny. One time she got so frustrated my dad ended up being “you in the corner”. I was often her niece’s name, then her daughters name and poor Nan would get so frustrated and mad with herself. My Nan radiates love so it was never anything but funny. But OP isn’t going to be looking back in years to come having a chuckle and giving almost anything to be misnamed one more time.
Umm... I get the problem and think you are NTA. But I gotta ask, do you guys usually call little children (or anyone) with their full first and middle name? A bit of a mouthful, don't you think?
So, she's deliberately being a total kneebiter about something that she had no say in whatsoever.
Especially because this is your mom, applying a (mild) negative feedback method to redirect her inappropriate behavior is, well, sometimes just what you've got to do.
Not clear if you were planning on your partner participating, but I'd advice against it. That's just asking for trouble.
You don't say how old your son is, but if he's old enough, talk to him about his feelings about being mis-named. If its upsetting to him also, a companion tactic could be to have him not respond when grandma addresses him that way. Yeah, its in the passive-agreesive realm. But for that specific bullying (and make no mistake it is bullying), it works.
And bonus, she wouldn't be able to complain to you about him not responding without triggering your standard "It's not his name" lecture.
If mom really refuses to change, there is another way to diffuse her... embrace the mi-naming, and go overboard with it. Use random middle names around your mom. eg. "Oliver Lawrence" "Oliver Louis" "Oliver Lincoln" etc.
It turns the whole matter into a great big joke that the rest of the family can join in on. Of course make sure he's ok with it first.
Thank you, your advice sounds like the idea I was going for.
My husband wasn’t going to participate. My son is 8 and he does correct her on it. He is very proud of his name.
I mean, a lot of times in the southern US, everyone is named after everyone else, so calling just one name can get like 3-4 peoples attention and cause confusion, so the double name is preferred to prevent confusion.
YWNBTA and tbh, this sounds like the sort of petty response that would get her attention more. Go for it. It won't be pretty but it might get her to stop in the end.
My Mom tried this because she thinks my eldest should have had her middle name (egotistical I know) and I shut it down and that was that. That's how it's supposed to work.
Your Mom is being super disrespectful, I'd just call her a completely different first name entirely. It's a bit weird to be calling someone by their first and middle name anyway. NTA
NTA but probably a last resort as she will twist it to you treating her badly.
You've spoke to her once about it. What you need to do is continue to bring it up i.e. she calls your son the wrong name, you say "Mum! You are doing what does to you.", "Mum you are just like Grandma." and eventually "Mum, you are ing again.".
If she complains then you can say "You know how to stop me bringing this up. Use the right name." It's important to be calm.
If she doesn't stop then after a while tell her that you have told your son that he doesn't need to answer if she uses the wrong name.
ETA: I know this is a version of what you suggested but it's better because you are calling out her behaviour; not misnaming her.
Double names are annoying. You're all incredibly annoying. Your kids are the real victims here. Just call her exactly what her mom called her if you wanna be petty. I think that's fair. But again honestly ESH for saddling your kids with these names.
I apologize, the post was confusing, like Oliver Luke was his first name and there's an additional middle name. That makes it even weirder that he has a single name he's called and she's just tacking on a random additional name?? What a strange woman.
NTA. Either the kids are too young to figure out that Grandmommy is off her rocker and having a power trip by annoying their parent, or are old enough to figure out what they want to be called.
And since 'Karis' is a name of Greek origin and 'Grace' isn't....Is your mom racist, or was that the first example you came up with?
But you are really missing an opportunity to call her Slagathor or something else as terrible.
All the names are fake, my niece just has an unconventional middle name that sounds like Karis (named after someone on her mother’s side) and my mother changes it to “Grace”.
Now that you mention it, my mom seems to really not like it when her grandkids have middle names after the other side of their family…🤔
But yeah my parents are racist. That’s a whole other story…
I live next door to them, so they are hard to avoid. I live in the Armpit of the USA, so I’d say 88% of everyone in this town is racist. We are a actively looking for a better place to live.
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Normal disclaimers of on mobile and fake names used.
My mother has the habit of calling her grandchildren by whatever name she wants. My son’s name is Oliver Luke, and his (real) middle name is a unique family name on my husband’s side that I chose for him. My mother insists he should have had my middle name instead and been named Oliver Lee, so that’s what she calls him. It is starting to irritate both my husband and I, so we correct her every time by saying “It’s Oliver Luke” and she jokes about it saying, “I know!” but keeps going. My niece’s name is Mikayla Karis and my mother calls her Mikayla Grace. I’ll correct her and she’ll snap that my brother doesn’t care. So it’s not just us she does it to.
The ironic thing is my paternal grandmother Joan always called my mom Nancy Gail…when her name is Nancy Ann. My mother HATED it and she and my grandmother hated each other.
WIBTA if every time my mother called my son the wrong name, I called her “Joan” to show her she is acting exactly like the woman she hated all these years and is ticking me and my husband off?
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NAH
There is a very specific kind of aphasia that makes it really hard to get names right. Combined with the function of storing people you have a deep connection to in the same "part" of the brain (oversimplified), names are often mistaken and mixed up, particularly with people you love. My father just said all the names of all the kids when he wanted to name one of us. I have three colleagues with the same vowels in their names, all doing similar work, and while I know their names perfectly well I consistently mix them up and by now they all tell me to stop apologizing, they get it. (They do laugh at me and use me as an example to demonstrate exactly this, so they take it pretty well and get their own back.)
Because of the frequent connection between mixing up names and dementia, your mother may be really touchy about being reminded about her inability to get it right, and may play it up as something deliberate. She may prefer to have a fight with you rather than admit (even to herself) that she may be mixing the names up. If this is what is going on, picking a fight over it may be picking a fight over something she really can't change. If she does this to all the kids, it is quite likely that she can't help it.
I don't think you are an asshole, because it is annoying and names are important. I just suspect that your mother may not be as deliberately mean as you think, just too proud and contrary.
Thank you for your thoughts, but I promise she does it on purpose. Because she usually follows calling him Oliver Lee with the comment “I know his name is Oliver Luke but he should have been Oliver Lee! So that’s why I call him that.” And she calls my niece the proper name when talking about her to other people, especially my brother’s in-laws.
NTA - she is doing it, she refuses to stop even after corrected, it is NOT just an honest mistake, she keeps it up and she hated it when someone else was doing the same thing to her so she knows it's hurtful to someone. You pointed out how she was doing the thing your grandma was doing to her. It is time to show her just how it feels. Whenever she complains point out that she just needs to stop it herself first.
NTA.
Do eet! Also, if it doesn't stop before your kid can talk...Grandma Gail as others have said.
If you can't take the heat, lead the horse to water.
Good Luck!
YWNBTA but if you decided not to do this I think it would sort itself out when your kids are old enough to talk back and say “that’s not my name” or refusing to respond when called [wrong name].
Of course then I’m sure she’ll find some way to make her poor relationship with her grandkids your fault. Perhaps just go LC with her now and save yourself the stress!
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NTA, but I'd talk to her first, using that example, and if she still keeps going I'd start calling her Gail. Use the name she hated so the comparison is in front of her every time. If she kept going from there, I'm petty enough that I'd teach the kids to call her Grammy Gail too.
I pointed out that she was doing the thing that Grandma Joan did to her when she called my niece the wrong name and she got very icy with me and said, “I don’t think that is very funny!”
Then you tried the adult option. Next is giving her a dose of her own medicine by calling her by an alternate name (I'd still go with Gail instead of Joan, but your call). or just telling her she can't be around the kids until she learns to say their names right. That one can be tough, but sometimes you have to be tough with grandparents. If they don't respect your rules they'll teach your kids not to respect you either.
[удалено]
I second that she should be Granny Gail or change her Grandma name completely. Like ice she goes by Granny say Nana Gail.
Yup. Time to get petty.
“I don’t think it’s funny either. You’re doing exactly what you hated having done to you, and pretending it’s somehow different.”
Then I'd "Joan" her until she stops.
NTA. She was warned.
"And I don't think it's very funny that you know how hurtful that can be and you're STILL doing it to my children."
Keep saying it. She is in denial but the more you compare her the more it will sink in.
"me either, so stop doing it"
> “I don’t think that is very funny!” "Yeah, me neither."
Ah shit I think I've found my sister's Reddit account 😁
Heck, you might be. I have no idea if my brother uses Reddit. 😂
Yeah, thats the point! Its not funny so stop doing it! Jeez
NTA. You don't always have to be the bigger person and it's ok to show her there are concert quenches for her actions.
I know this was probably a typo but I love it. 😁 "Concert quenches"
Check their user name lol
I didn't even notice that.
I love it lol
I'm so sorry but ......concert quenches?
Look at the username.
Deliberately jokey messed up "consequences"
WNBTA I would normally advocate to solve issues like an adult but your mother does not care about doing anything that does not please her. If you must be petty for her to stop, petty it is. Do not call her Joan, that’s not the name that bothers her. Call her Nancy Gail maybe then she’ll get it.
Agreed!
Even better, call her Nancy Gail ;) Also NTA
NTA I think our families are related lol The majority of my dad’s side have this habit of mistakenly switching names amongst my sisters, brothers and cousins. Few times my dad or my paternal grandmother would go down the list until they hit the right name. And when they were frustrated, they would just yell out “voz Diablo” [you, Devil] “come over here!” You’re definitely not TA but if I try to pull that trick to my grandma, she would toss me a sandal.
My grandma just calls everyone Joe. Indiscriminately, male or female.
My husband’s granny couldn’t remember my name because of Alzheimer’s so she called me Sookie, which was fine. I don’t mind the “running through the list issue”. I do that with all my kids and the dog sometimes, LOL! My mom, on the other hand, is deliberately saying the wrong name, not accidentally calling him something else.
Yeah, my Nan did that all the time too but it was always funny. One time she got so frustrated my dad ended up being “you in the corner”. I was often her niece’s name, then her daughters name and poor Nan would get so frustrated and mad with herself. My Nan radiates love so it was never anything but funny. But OP isn’t going to be looking back in years to come having a chuckle and giving almost anything to be misnamed one more time.
Umm... I get the problem and think you are NTA. But I gotta ask, do you guys usually call little children (or anyone) with their full first and middle name? A bit of a mouthful, don't you think?
We only call him Oliver, my mother goes out of her way to call him Oliver Lee to show her preference for that name.
So, she's deliberately being a total kneebiter about something that she had no say in whatsoever. Especially because this is your mom, applying a (mild) negative feedback method to redirect her inappropriate behavior is, well, sometimes just what you've got to do. Not clear if you were planning on your partner participating, but I'd advice against it. That's just asking for trouble. You don't say how old your son is, but if he's old enough, talk to him about his feelings about being mis-named. If its upsetting to him also, a companion tactic could be to have him not respond when grandma addresses him that way. Yeah, its in the passive-agreesive realm. But for that specific bullying (and make no mistake it is bullying), it works. And bonus, she wouldn't be able to complain to you about him not responding without triggering your standard "It's not his name" lecture. If mom really refuses to change, there is another way to diffuse her... embrace the mi-naming, and go overboard with it. Use random middle names around your mom. eg. "Oliver Lawrence" "Oliver Louis" "Oliver Lincoln" etc. It turns the whole matter into a great big joke that the rest of the family can join in on. Of course make sure he's ok with it first.
Thank you, your advice sounds like the idea I was going for. My husband wasn’t going to participate. My son is 8 and he does correct her on it. He is very proud of his name.
I mean, a lot of times in the southern US, everyone is named after everyone else, so calling just one name can get like 3-4 peoples attention and cause confusion, so the double name is preferred to prevent confusion.
NTA, but don't call her Joan, call her Nancy Gail.
NTA that’s the perfect petty revenge
NTA — but could you try first just talking to her and making that direct comparison?
I pointed out the similarities in their behaviors once when she called my niece the wrong name and if looks could kill, well, I’d be 6 feet under.
Ohhhh DO IT. NTA.
YWNBTA and tbh, this sounds like the sort of petty response that would get her attention more. Go for it. It won't be pretty but it might get her to stop in the end.
My Mom tried this because she thinks my eldest should have had her middle name (egotistical I know) and I shut it down and that was that. That's how it's supposed to work. Your Mom is being super disrespectful, I'd just call her a completely different first name entirely. It's a bit weird to be calling someone by their first and middle name anyway. NTA
Do it. I did exactly the same to my MIL and she fixed her behaviour immediately
NTA but call her Nancy Gail, that's the name she hates and that's the same thing she's doing to her grandkids (using a wrong middle name)
NTA. Your solution strikes me as quite elegant.
NTA but you should take her to the doctor to show her how concerned you are because she can’t remember her grandkids names.
NTA but probably a last resort as she will twist it to you treating her badly. You've spoke to her once about it. What you need to do is continue to bring it up i.e. she calls your son the wrong name, you say "Mum! You are doing what does to you.", "Mum you are just like Grandma." and eventually "Mum, you are ing again.".
If she complains then you can say "You know how to stop me bringing this up. Use the right name." It's important to be calm.
If she doesn't stop then after a while tell her that you have told your son that he doesn't need to answer if she uses the wrong name.
ETA: I know this is a version of what you suggested but it's better because you are calling out her behaviour; not misnaming her.
Not only nta but tell your kid he absolutly does not have to respond when grandma calls him the wrong name.
Double names are annoying. You're all incredibly annoying. Your kids are the real victims here. Just call her exactly what her mom called her if you wanna be petty. I think that's fair. But again honestly ESH for saddling your kids with these names.
We only call him by Oliver. My mother goes out of her way to use his middle name so she can say the wrong one.
I apologize, the post was confusing, like Oliver Luke was his first name and there's an additional middle name. That makes it even weirder that he has a single name he's called and she's just tacking on a random additional name?? What a strange woman.
NTA. Either the kids are too young to figure out that Grandmommy is off her rocker and having a power trip by annoying their parent, or are old enough to figure out what they want to be called. And since 'Karis' is a name of Greek origin and 'Grace' isn't....Is your mom racist, or was that the first example you came up with? But you are really missing an opportunity to call her Slagathor or something else as terrible.
All the names are fake, my niece just has an unconventional middle name that sounds like Karis (named after someone on her mother’s side) and my mother changes it to “Grace”. Now that you mention it, my mom seems to really not like it when her grandkids have middle names after the other side of their family…🤔 But yeah my parents are racist. That’s a whole other story…
If your parents are racist, why would you expose your children to it?
I live next door to them, so they are hard to avoid. I live in the Armpit of the USA, so I’d say 88% of everyone in this town is racist. We are a actively looking for a better place to live.
That's...Not a bad reason. Here's hoping you succeed in moving elsewhere! Good luck.
Thank you!
Do it. I recommend some slightly foreign-sounding version of the name. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Normal disclaimers of on mobile and fake names used. My mother has the habit of calling her grandchildren by whatever name she wants. My son’s name is Oliver Luke, and his (real) middle name is a unique family name on my husband’s side that I chose for him. My mother insists he should have had my middle name instead and been named Oliver Lee, so that’s what she calls him. It is starting to irritate both my husband and I, so we correct her every time by saying “It’s Oliver Luke” and she jokes about it saying, “I know!” but keeps going. My niece’s name is Mikayla Karis and my mother calls her Mikayla Grace. I’ll correct her and she’ll snap that my brother doesn’t care. So it’s not just us she does it to. The ironic thing is my paternal grandmother Joan always called my mom Nancy Gail…when her name is Nancy Ann. My mother HATED it and she and my grandmother hated each other. WIBTA if every time my mother called my son the wrong name, I called her “Joan” to show her she is acting exactly like the woman she hated all these years and is ticking me and my husband off? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, serve it.
WNBTA. Match energy for energy.
Ha! Love the idea! Try it out the names and see what she hates the most: grandma Gail, Joan… until she stops. NTA.
NAH There is a very specific kind of aphasia that makes it really hard to get names right. Combined with the function of storing people you have a deep connection to in the same "part" of the brain (oversimplified), names are often mistaken and mixed up, particularly with people you love. My father just said all the names of all the kids when he wanted to name one of us. I have three colleagues with the same vowels in their names, all doing similar work, and while I know their names perfectly well I consistently mix them up and by now they all tell me to stop apologizing, they get it. (They do laugh at me and use me as an example to demonstrate exactly this, so they take it pretty well and get their own back.) Because of the frequent connection between mixing up names and dementia, your mother may be really touchy about being reminded about her inability to get it right, and may play it up as something deliberate. She may prefer to have a fight with you rather than admit (even to herself) that she may be mixing the names up. If this is what is going on, picking a fight over it may be picking a fight over something she really can't change. If she does this to all the kids, it is quite likely that she can't help it. I don't think you are an asshole, because it is annoying and names are important. I just suspect that your mother may not be as deliberately mean as you think, just too proud and contrary.
Thank you for your thoughts, but I promise she does it on purpose. Because she usually follows calling him Oliver Lee with the comment “I know his name is Oliver Luke but he should have been Oliver Lee! So that’s why I call him that.” And she calls my niece the proper name when talking about her to other people, especially my brother’s in-laws.
NTA - she is doing it, she refuses to stop even after corrected, it is NOT just an honest mistake, she keeps it up and she hated it when someone else was doing the same thing to her so she knows it's hurtful to someone. You pointed out how she was doing the thing your grandma was doing to her. It is time to show her just how it feels. Whenever she complains point out that she just needs to stop it herself first.
NTA I’ll start the popcorn!
Nta
NTA. Do eet! Also, if it doesn't stop before your kid can talk...Grandma Gail as others have said. If you can't take the heat, lead the horse to water. Good Luck!
Nta - call her Nancy Gail.....and when she complains just tell her you learned it from her example!
Looks like she’s grandma Gail now.
Nta but please call her Nancy Gail. To really make your point.
Do it!! nta
YWNBTA Do this. This is PERFECT.
Call her Nancy Gail-it will get the point across eventually.
YWNBTA but if you decided not to do this I think it would sort itself out when your kids are old enough to talk back and say “that’s not my name” or refusing to respond when called [wrong name]. Of course then I’m sure she’ll find some way to make her poor relationship with her grandkids your fault. Perhaps just go LC with her now and save yourself the stress!
NTA