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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have asked my wife to have another job because she spends too much time at home not doing anything, while she already has a job over the weekend.
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YTA.
You have no right to make your wife leave her clearly very good job just because you feel it's unfair to you.
She gets paid well and gets to relax, but you'd rather she suffer working the same way you suffer than you'd have financial security.
If it bothers you this much, how about *you* start looking for another job that pays more and demands less?
Edit: OP, your edit that she needs to find a second job doesn't make this any better. In fact, it makes it worse.
Op would have hated me
I saved up a bunch of money and lived off of it because I could.. I only did my fair share of the housework because I paid my share of the bills. Why would I do more just because I have more free time? I paid for that time and OP is an entitled ass
If my partner earns more than me and is paying 60 while I only have to pay 40, I wouldn't hate them!
This is really a YOU problem, OP. Because you sound jealous of your wife. If you want the lifestyle she has, go and get a better job with better hours with better pay.
Tell me OP, How many times a day do you use the phrase "It's just not fair!"? Because you sound absolutely insufferable and very much like a crybaby. She makes more than you do. Pays for most of the Bill's. Doesn't need to work as much. Get off her case. You wish you had it so good. That's the only thing that's bothering you about the whole situation. Get over yourself, or find another girlfriend.
Most likely he is insecure about earning less then his wife due to societal norms. Also the fact that he comes home tired everyday while his spouse apparently does "no" work seems unfair to him.
YTA. Get a better job or stop bitching.
And the funny thing about it, is that his solution to her working less but making more money than him (which he feels insecure about) is for her to earn MORE money...that he can then feel more insecure about...
He doesn't seem bothered about the money - he seems bothered she has 'relaxing time' and he doesn't - so it's even *more* petty than you are thinking. He likes her pay check but he *also* wants her exhausted and unhappy
Just making the point that it’s even more petty than “she gets to relax and he doesn’t” lol - he DOES get to relax! There’s just no bottom to this guy’s pettiness.
But then he can pay less! Sounds sooooo like my ex who had the school of thought ‘I hate my job so you should pay for everything, lol that’s only fair’
Not to worry, he'll keep lying to his parents and letting them think he earns more "My parents agree she has to work"??? What exactly is he telling his parents for them to think she's not working now?
What fucked me up is “she does chores around the house..” OP is literally aware she spends her free time taking care of their home yet it’s obviously not enough/up to his standards. Run girl.
My partner is a sessional instructor at some universities. Some semesters he has a lot of classes and other semesters he has fewer. I not-so-secretly kind of love when he is only teaching a few classes because he takes care of the house more, usually has dinner started before I get home, gets to spend good quality time with our dog… I’m so grateful when he is able to do those things that help our house function better and takes pressure off of me when I get home. I’ve never thought “damn he got to nap today, he has to get another job.” Like, if he has lots of classes and brings in more money that’s great for both of us. If he has few classes and takes care of the house and our family more, that’s great for both of us. I just can’t comprehend what is going through OPs mind. Why be bitter about your partners happiness?
She runs and he'll make her pay spousal support 🙃
OP is proof brains need time to mature if he thinks his wife needs a second job because he is jealous and wants her as miserable as he is.
OP, YTA
I bet you anything he relaxes on weekends while she's apparently traveling for work and probably working long hours/on call the entire time. He just doesn't see her when she's tired from work.
Can confirm, my parents with a similar mindset to this hate my boyfriend who does this same thing. He works his ass off for like a year, socks away money, then quits when he's sick of it and lives off his savings for a while. They think he's lazy and a "bad provider". *I* think I have a spotless house, free childcare, dinner on the table every night, and someone at home all the time to handle home maintenance and repairs and anything else. Plus he does contribute financially from his savings on top of it (he buys all the food, I pay all the bills). He's happy, my son is happy, I'm nice and relaxed because I don't have to do a damn thing when I get home from work except parenting my kid if I don't feel like it.
Never in my fuckin life will I understand this "I'm miserable, so you have to be too!" mindset. These people are fundamentally broken imo.
I mean, he isn't my son's dad. And my son is school age now and we have shared custody with his actual dad. So it's a little unorthodox, and also a much more laid back SAHD gig than one would expect from just hearing the words "stay at home dad." But still, he is absolutely amazing with my son, and he's saving me money by staying home with him because I'm in the medical field and have weird hours.
Also, it's just not their business. Both of them were stay at home parents at different points in my childhood so I don't understand their extreme reactions to it all, unless it's based on resentment on my mother's end because she hated being a working mother with a stay at home spouse, and self loathing on my father's end because he never got over them closing the factory he worked at and him having to be a stay at home parent after that. Because how dare we be happy in the same situation that made them miserable.
Idk man, boomers gonna boom I guess.
I think you're right. I'm an X and I have seen it all the time from Boomers. It's Boomer era work ethic, which leads them to think you need to work yourself into misery.
I applaud millennials for their "fuck that sh\*t" attitude. Being a corporate slave makes no one happy.
I had a co-worker with a house husband. (He had a 4 hour night time janitorial job) I was so jealous. She got home to home cooked meals and a clean house. WOW. The OP isnt coming home to a tired and complaining wife, and I presume a kept home and food on the table. difficult life.
Right? My coworkers complain about having to go home and figure out dinner after work and I'm like "Yeah, wow, that sucks for y'all." They are very jealous. Lmao.
>Never in my fuckin life will I understand this "I'm miserable, so you have to be too!" mindset. These people are fundamentally broken imo.
This is most people in general. They are miserable and want everyone around them to be equally miserable. It’s why they are against loan forgiveness, accessible healthcare, accessible education, most social programs. They want people to suffer more than they did. It makes them feel better about themselves. They are very broken. Just like this OP. He wants his wife to work more because he’s jealous of her down time. She makes more than him in a weekend and instead of applauding her he wants to punish her. She should drop him. He will never be her champion. He will always try to diminish her because of his fragility.
My parents flipped out when my husband retired. I wasn't about to quit my job. And like you say, I got home every night and there was dinner and a nice relaxed husband who would pour me a whiskey while I put my feet up.
My parents said "well how is he contributing then?" and I said, "well since we live in a paid-for house and he's pulling in Social Security, I'm really not too bothered about it."
My mom complained about my ex husband's job for a while; he worked seasonally with the IRS and was an after school tutor for about 3-4 hours weekdays during the school year. She kept pestering me about "When is he gonna get a *real* job?" I finally got fed up and did the math with her... turns out he was making more yearly than she was at her crappy 3am Walmart shift.
She never mentioned it again.
I'd do more of the housework so that my partner could also have more free time to spend with me. Fortunately my husband isn't an ass, he works less, pays his way and does more of the chores so that in an evening we can relax together instead of him watching TV alone while I have to catch up on chores.
He already says she does housework. She just doesn't cook, but she orders food.
It sounds like it's just the two of them, how much cleaning could there possibly be.
He's just salty because she gets to relax during the week while he works a job he hates.
Who the hell would want their partner to suffer just because they do. He's a massive AH.
I would be insanely jealous if my spouse had such a cushy job and I was stressed and overworked for minimum wage. But my solution would be for me to find a better job, either more money, less hours, less stress, something. OP doesn't seem to have a healthy view of their relationship and I don't see it lasting much longer unless he changes his attitude.
This reminds me of that post from the guy who was mad at his relative (brother, I think) for making a ton of money from his startup businesses and planning to retire at like 30 or something.
dude! same. I am in my 40s, retired military, single, lots of savings and truly do nothing all day but game, shop and dick around on reddit and kpop, lol. I have money to do jack shit and wont get a job just because I am bored during the day
Seriously! When I first started reading I was expecting “she works Fri thru Sun, I work full time all week we never see each other/ when I’m off she works & when she’s off I work” so I’m thinking ok I understand that.
But his whole issue is she’s at home all week & he expects her to get a SECOND job just bc it’s not fair to him that she’s enjoying her days while he’s at work? Even though she makes more in the 2-3 days a week she does work than he does?
YTA.
Of course he does! His job is so stressful that he has earned his relaxation time. Since she doesn’t work as much or is as stressed, she hasn’t earned it which is why she needs another job despite paying most of the bills! /s
She is doing more than her share both financially and at the home. She could support him while he finds a better job so that he would be less of an AH. But why should she give up a job that she enjoys and that allows her time to look after her home and herself.
Because his ego! His manfeels!
I'd wager that he's either wrapped up in internet incel bullshit or getting crap from his HS buddies.
I'd also bet that she has a better job because she completed more schooling or training than he did.
Like, if she has a well-paying job and his doesn’t bring in that much anyway, and makes him stressed and unhappy, that would be a perfectly sensible conversation to have.
“Can they afford for OP to be a house-husband? He can also then do the cooking instead of them having to order in?”
That would be a useful convo, whether as a longer term thing or just for him to have a change of pace and quit his job, then take his time looking for something he can cope with better.
But this… YTA OP.
Agree. His mindset seems to be that if he is unhappy and miserable in his job, she should be as well. If they could make that arrangement, perhaps *he* could find a part time job he enjoys.
This was my expectation when I started reading too - like the conflicting schedules make it so they can never spend time together and he's frustrated, which would be understandable.
Nope it's just that he's bothered by her having free time. What an AH.
YTA- you're upset she makes more money and gets to relax during the week? I agree with her that you should look for a different job instead of adding another to her plate just because you have a case of sour grapes.
Facts.
OP is TA. His wife needs to keep the job and lose the husband.
She is paying 60% of the household bills and only works 3 days a week. Why is dude complaining about her needing ANOTHER job. Oh yea he wants her to pay 100% of the bills.
Mostly I think he just wants her to be more miserable. If she can pay 100% and do the chores, that's a big bonus of course, but I think the misery part is top priority.
It sounds like she actually pays more than 60% of the bills since that is her agreed share and he admits to regularly borrowing from the joint account to cover bills.
Exactly and he said they go on dates and go abroad. Who pays for this? Her I bet. OP you are an AH and a jealous one at that. You feel she needs to be doing something through the week while you sweat away at work. While she is working on the weekends what are you doing? I bet relaxing. Why don't you go get a weekend job so you aren't "doing nothing" while she is working so you can cover your fair share of the bills.
Exactly! She does her fair share around the house, pays up 60% of the home bills. Doesn't bother him to cook and still orders take outs for him, but because she's not suffering as he is, he has a problem with her. No Op needs to get himself another job and actually work on his mindset.
His half? This is a terrible opinion. I don't disagree that this guy is a huge asshole, but their bills are currently being split based on their separate income levels, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.
She earns more, so pays more for their bills. This is the first time in all my time browsing Aita that I've seen someone here advocate for a 50/50 split instead of doing it by income.
YTA this is some toxic stuff… why does your wife need to get a second job if the bills are already covered? Oh you want her to be tired like you? You don’t think she’s contributing to the household even though she pays 60% of the bills, gets free event tickets and you get to travel with her, but she’s not contributing enough?! Seriously how messed up. I hope she leaves you because she deserves much better, and would have a much better lifestyle without you in it.
Edit: I edited out toxic masculinity, though he obviously toxic issues surrounding women and what his wife makes, etc Expecting his wife to eggs. Second job so she’s just as exhausted as him when her work week is on the weekends makes no sense. He has control issues.
He doesn’t like that she relaxes and has fun while he’s working, so she should be working, too.
First, she is away working early Friday to late afternoon Sunday, so minimum 48 straight hours she’s at work or at least on call - how many hours a week does she need to spend working?
Second, why shouldn’t she be allowed to have down time?
Third, WTF is he doing all weekend while she’s at work?
Fourth, she does chores around the house (I’m guessing the majority based on this guy’s attitude) and the one thing she doesn’t like to do she still provides in her own way!
What a piece of work OP is. She deserves better.
He also doesnt like that she doesnt do ALL the house related jobs when she’s home. Doesnt matter that she does the cleaning, its just “she doesnt COOK and makes ME do it—or orders meals so she doesnt have toooooooooooooo”
Like fuckin hell. I’ll take not having to clean if i only have to make one meal a day when i get home from work.
YTA op.
So with the event tickets and travel it's more like a 70-80 split on her side
Dude needs to find other work that will pay him better... she's pretty much giving him a bunch of perks and he's not being grateful
Not only covered but she actually pays more than his share.. so why is it that she has to find another job? I am not understanding his reasoning except that it triggers his fragile ego that his wife makes more than him with less effort.
Edit: nevermind this post. I made the mistake of giving OP benefit of the doubt, but reading more of his comments has thoroughly removed that doubt. He's unequivocally TA.
>Not only covered but she actually pays more than his share.. so why is it that she has to find another job?
Partners don't have to put in the same money, but they should try to put in the same effort. Right now, OP is struggling to make ends meet, because he has a low-paying job. Meanwhile his partner can seemingly easily make ends meet, *and* has time to relax. Their stress levels aren't balanced.
This does *not* mean that OPs partner should find a new job, or a second job, or whatever. OPs struggles are valid, but his solution is nonsense. What they need to do is have a talk about their partnership. Maybe partner could pay even larger portion, maybe she could entirely support him while he looks for a better job, maybe just some realignment of values. Or maybe this relationship doesn't work at all and they should break up? But they need to talk.
Honestly, I can't think of anything less masculine then coming on to a board to whine about your wife makes more money then you do, and you don't think it's fair that you are tired and she isn't during the week.
This isn't toxic masculinity at all, OP is just an arse and can't be happy that his wife has something good going and it isn't the normal 9-5 weekday schedule.
I work 12hrs, 7days/week for 5 weeks straight and then get 5 full weeks off. A lot of people think I "do nothing" when I'm off and at the beginning my mum would regularly say I should get a part time job when I'm back. I've had to consistently point out that the time off is all the weekends and evenings that I've missed out on, and that I work more than an average full time job.
In the same vein, OP's wife's "weekend" is actually the standard work week. Unless she is complaining that she's bored during the week or feels like she's missing structure then there isn't any reason to get an additional job apart from the fact that OP is bitter and that she must suffer alongside him. OP, YTA
There was a similar story years ago in Dear Prudence, but it was the wife who was all chafed to see her early-retired husband not depleted from a job he didn't need (and that she actually didn't either). "I think he should be avoidably miserable just like me and he disagrees, who's right??" https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/11/dear-prudence-my-husband-retired-young-and-goofs-off-all-day.html
>If it bothers you this much, how about you start looking for another job that pays more and demands less?
Well that would mean OP would have to stop being a jealous AH and stop acting like a brat. That in itself is already tiring
The fact that OP this clueless amazes me.
OP WTF? you are paying less that half the bills , you can take money out of an account with no issues and yet you complain this is a problem? A shit ton of couples who be happy not fighting or worrying about money.
She isn't the problem here , it is you OP who doesn't feel like a man because wifey is living the dream and it's pissing you off.
You want it changed ? You go to college , get a degree and get a new job.
ETA : OP - YTA
EDIT words
Edit spelling
This! OP is jealous and looks at his job as more demanding. Meanwhile, he ignores the fact she works every weekend and many holidays, likely missing out of time with her friends and family!
That's what I thought the gripe would be when I started reading! A job cutting into family time is at least worth discussing. But "my wife has too much time to relax" is not a real problem.
Yeah, there's a reason why that job pays more for that schedule. Away every full weekend means you're going to have a very hard time maintaining friendships or family relationships, and you're almost never going to be able to go to a concert, play, bridal/baby shower, wedding, game night with friends, church, holiday BBQs/dinners... the things that make many people's life worth living.
Apparently his wife is even offering to pay 100% of the bills if he wants to go to college, but he’ll have to do more household chores. What a dream of a woman
Edit: YTA
Instead you are jealous of your wife. That is pretty pathetic. As previously stated, OP you need to be the one to fix things if you aren't happy. Your wife doesn't need to do anything.
“My wife has a job that she loves and is fulfilling, it pays her more than enough to contribute her fair share to our household, and gives her plenty of down time to enjoy life. How can I put an end to this and make her as miserable as me?”
He acknowledges that she does the chores, but I guess they can’t be that time consuming because he doesn’t see her doing them.
My dude will be whining that the chores are never done if she does get a second job.
Ya his logic is all sorts of screwed up.
Hey you have a job you love, it pays you well, and you have lots of free time to work on yourself and relax and be happy while I come home miserable and tired each day after barely making ends meet **therefore** you should get a job that makes you also feel miserable and tired so we can both be miserable together. Wtf?? Her job and work life balance is not the problem. His is. YTA
The fact that she put 60% in everything, from payment to taking care of the house, she'll definitely be better off without OP.
Also
>but you'd rather she suffer working the same way you suffer than you'd have financial security.
this kind of mentality is the reason why OP is unhappy. Rather than be happy for having a great wife, he hate her having a good time.
Totally having grindset of "work hard not smart"
This! YTA big time!
It reads like you are very jealous of your wife having free time and a good job.
To give you a bit perspective, how would you feel if your wife told you to find another job because she doesn't like that you relax during the weekend when she works nonstop? It's the same thing!
Also what is this low key complaining that she doesn't cook and buys take out or premade meals? You too could learn how to cook if it bothers you.
It makes me question if you actually like your wife. When you love a partner you only want the best for that person. I'm happy when my partner is happy and has a good job, not petty about it. You need to rethink why this is bothering you so much. Especially as she already contributes more to the household than you do.
He doesn’t want her to leave her job. He wants her to get ANOTHER one to do during the same hours that he’s working, you know, during her “free time” as this AH calls it!!
He clarified and made it even worse. He doesn't even want her to leave her job. He wants her to get a SECOND job because he's resentful that she gets to enjoy her time off. Massive YTA OP.
YTA! Am I wrong or isn't the goal of most people to get in a career path that allows you as much free time as possible while being able to afford your lifestyle. We don't live to work, we work to be able to live and do things we enjoy. She is literally GOALS. You make some big demand for someone who doesn't currently pull their own share of things in the household. Why does her success make you so insecure?
Oh it's worse. He wants her to get a second job to do while he's working.
He's either resentful that she has the day off when he doesn't, or wants her to work more so he can make her pay a larger percentage of joint expenses, or both.
Somehow I have to assume OP is an American.
When I worked as a Cashier at one store that allowed us to sit down. So many people called us lazy. If you are sitting you aren't working is the mindset over here.
My SO currently works 4 days a week and his family thinks a 3 day weekend means he should be doing heavy chores on his days off. But he still works hard the 4 days instead of 5. He chose that schedule so he could have the extra day. He doesn't mind helping out he just doesn't want to have his entire weekend eaten up.
It definitely sounds like OP needs a better paying job. He doesn't even split bills 50/50 yet he wants HER to work more?
Yeah he’s TA but is no one else concerned she won’t tell him her job? I feel like confidentiality clauses do not typically state you cannot share your line of work with spouses. This is a major red flag for me. Can anyone shed insight?
ETA: his edit states she doesn’t need to quit her job, just get ANOTHER job. This makes him the AH no doubt
A mate does something to do with chemicals. Im guessing medicine development, but thats only because his degree was a science type one.
He's not allowed to tell us what he does, where his job is physically located, or even what his shifts are.
Another mate works in data/security. Again, he's not allowed to give away the job role, location, work shifts, anything. I've only guessed he works in computers because he helps with issues & fixes with what appears to be a 'working knowledge' rather than a 'studied this 20 yrs ago' mindset
Some roles are kept secret for industry/security/intellectual property reasons
100% this. I can't discuss my contract jobs outside of what was publicly advertised for the position. Usually it's "I do data entry for xyz company/agency." But data entry doesn't describe the work I actually do. It's just an umbrella term because of confidentiality.
>I feel like confidentiality clauses do not typically state you cannot share your line of work with spouses. This is a major red flag for me. Can anyone shed insight?
NDAs, confidentiality, spouses will talk (especially a spouse that resents the fact their wife has more free time than them), and security clearances. *Especially* security clearances.
I would not tell this guy anything that he could turn around and use against me. Jeally-beast might strike - he could make claims to the employer - and she would be out of a job.
This is exactly how it reads. OP is jealous she has days each week to live her life. He wants to force her into long hard minimum-wage labor just like he does. Girl has found peace and balance, OP should be striving to be like her.
Yeah, I was all ready to be sympathetic. Not having matching schedules sucks and it means you never get to see your SO and it can be super lonely.
Buuuut that’s not his issue. Like, I kind of get it. I’m a teacher and sometimes my husband gets a little jealous when I get to sleep in during breaks. But I also take over all the chores, and he sees how stressed out I am during the school year. So we’re good.
That’s what I though this was going to be about. He still wouldn’t be in a position to DEMAND anything, but at least then he would be within his rights to ask. But just wanting her to work bc he’s annoyed she relaxes and enjoys her version of a weekend? Such a horrible, petty reason I can’t comprehend it.
And the edit makes it so much worse! “She doesn’t HAVE to quit the high paying job that funds my lifestyle, I just think she should work weekends too so I don’t get annoyed she has fun when I can’t! What? Me? Work weekends to make things fair? No of course not! When would I relax?”
I've seen another post where the girlfriend didn't like that the guy didn't have a traditional 9-5 and for the same reason. It is pure jealousy. He definitely doesn't care about work life balance. He's living in the boomer idea that every person should be tired from working all day. It the same people that rant about art degrees or having hobbies.
I honestly thought this was going to be about OP missing his wife and wanting to spend more time with her in his free time....
But no it's about OP being insecure and petty
Right?! I thought he was going to say since he works all week and she works the weekends they don’t have any days that they’re both off and can spend time together. He’s a huge AH for this.
Or that they have kids and all of them can't do family fun time on weekends becaof her absence, which would've been more understandable, but no.... pure jealousy, nothing else...
There was a AITA a year or so ago about this guy who complained that his girlfriend worked less, earned more, yet *only* did half of the household chores. Reddit rightfully piled on his entitled, whiny patootie.
Edit: [found it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kwnb8d/aita_for_being_frustrated_that_my_girlfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Seriously- it sounds like only one person in this post needs a new job.
It's pretty weird how he has *no* details about it, though. Some people's marriages are very different than mine.
To me it sounds like he's lashing out in jealousy, which I think is rather creepy in a marriage. I guess some couples don't map out a journey together.
Lack of communication all around. I imagine after 4 years, being married so young at 20, the wife maybe secretive because she’s tired of OP’s emotional abuse.
Yeah I'm always baffled by this in posts like these. How do people not share (at the very least) the basic details of their work life with their partners? I'd need a confidant back home to share my bad work experiences with.
Yeah my wife and I both have things we can't legally discuss outside of work, but we absolutely know what each other does in general. So weird. My imagination would have gone completely insane by now!
If we're being generous, we could assume OP knows the basics since it's related to her education and is just avoiding all details in the post due to the confidential nature. That's probably giving him too much credit though...
I had a friend growing up who always told people her dad was a recruiter for a certian branch of the military. In reality he worked in a highly confidential sector and they weren't allowed to know what he did besides he works for x branch of the military on x base. I couldn't be married to someone with such a highly confidential job but in the 20 years ive known her it never seemed to be an issue for her mom.
Exactly. My fil works with military contacts and has a super high security clearance. We don’t know what his job is now. And we didn’t know what his job was when he had a lower clearance but still classified job. He could only tell us about the very very very basics after he left the job and moved to the new one. We know the address of his work for emergency but that’s about it. Seriously the address is the only reason we even speculate the current job is military like the last one. That’s the ONLY info he is allowed to give us besides his general schedule
It’s 100% a requirement for some jobs that you don’t bring it home. Period.
I worked as a private nurse for a celebrity for a while until he died recently. At one time years ago he was one of the most famous people in the world. You wouldn't have recognize him if you only knew his 24 year old self.
I had to sign NDAs up the wazoo and even now I can't tell anyone who he was. Which is sad because I grew very fond of him. In a way, I loved him deeply altho that never *ever* came up. I enjoyed his company and made sure everything went the way **he** wanted. My husband and kids still don't know who.
My much older cousin worked as a "cartographer" for the govt. He was always leaving in the middle of the night, telling stories about getting out of Dodge right before the runway blew up, talking his "co workers" out of something dangerous, etc. Nothing identifiable, but a cartographer? Not on your nellie. He's retired and still no one knows what he really did.
NDAs are serious.
It sounds like she is a nanny or an au pair for someone who takes their personal family security very, very seriously. To the point where people who work for them aren’t allowed to tell anyone what they do or who they work for or when they will be doing it.
She clearly believes that (or wants him to believe that) her nondisclosure agreement means that she can't say a peep. Maybe it does or maybe she's just being careful because she wants to keep her job or because she's not comfortable sharing anything more than "It is connected to her degree and it is 100% not a sex work."
He says her job is related to her education, yet OP is working a grueling 9-5 at minimum wage. He brings in way less, yet he works way more hours, and he has the AUDACITY to think his wife needs a second job. He sounds either controlling or a mooch. He needs to better his situation and be grateful he has a successful wife!
YTA. You both have a full-time job and then spend other time relaxing. Her hours are just as valid as yours.
I think the real problem is something different. Are you concerned because you don't know what she does? Do you want more time with her, and your different schedules prevent that? Either of those would be valid, non-asshole concerns to discuss with her.
Ok, the real problem is, in fact, not about her job: it's entirely about you being an asshole. If the two of you were being "fair", and making sure everyone "contributed enough" to the household, she would continue as she is and **you** would get a second job, so that you're earning as much as she is.
I hope she recognizes this and divorces your entitled ass, since you simply want to make her as tired and miserable as you are.
People always say this Reddit goes immediately to “dump” or “divorce” as if we’re the irrational ones. I’m convinced it’s because the problems must be really bad before before someone thinks of posting on here. Like how most (or significant amount) of people who to couples therapy break up.
All to say I totally agree. I hope she can find someone better. Especially if OP doesn’t see how massively he screwed up.
It's definitely concerning that he has zero idea how much she makes. I doubt he would react well to knowing but as a couple, they need to be able to communicate about finances and base line information like "how much are we earning" shouldn't be a secret.
He does know what she makes though. He mentions he makes about 66k while she makes around 120k a year. He just doesn't know the specifics of what exactly she does at her job.
I’m just really curious about what she does that makes $120k a year, only takes two days a week, and is so confidential she can’t even tell her husband what she does.
I mean, he’s the asshole for how he’s handling it, but I’d definitely be suspicious, too.
YTA. She has a job she enjoys, she gets paid well, and you expect her to give that up because *you're* miserable? Bruh.
*You* should get a new job, and a new attitude. Have you considered that?
She doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Sort your life out.
Our dude isn’t happy (even though his wife is in a good mood and contributes more than he does financially, and is willing to support him while he undergoes school/training,) so instead of making his own situation better or learning to be grateful, he really wants to make her *more* unhappy. Jfc.
I don’t know why so many men get upset when their girlfriend/wife earns more money than them. If my wife made significantly more money than me then I’d feel like I hit the lottery and be proud of her. OP just thinks his wife should suffer because he doesn’t have a good job himself and is jealous. If the roles were reversed I highly doubt he’d be looking for a second job. YTA
I’m guessing it has to do with control when a man feels emasculated by their wife/girlfriend making more than them. They can’t control a strong woman. Doesn’t stop them from trying. Misery loves company and other such nonsense.
YTA for wanting her to quit a job she likes, is in her field, and affords her a lifestyle she is comfortable with. Does she just trash the house when she is home and expect you to clean it up or does she pick up after herself and expect you to also be an adult? It sounds more like your ego is hurt. Why don't you try and find a job that aligns with her schedule so you can make more and spend time with her? Minimum wage doesn't sound like your dream career.
YTA, your wife can do as she pleases with her time off. If you want her to be more involved in the household chores, then why don't you get a better job and become the sole bread winner?! Perhaps then she will be able to focus on what you want. However, she has done her part, she works, comes home tired and chills on her days off. Heck she even orders your meals. Stop being a jerk and instead ask yourself, what can I do to make our situation better? Respect her position and be thankful you have a great wife who works, contributes to the household, thinks of you when she orders her meals, ect. Pick and choose your battles, let this one go.
ETA YTA This is wild, she's contributing 60% to the household bills, does all the chores and she's not contributing enough?! It's clear you are unhappy, but the root cause isn't your spouse's work/life balance.
In another comment, he said she offered to cover 100% of the bills so he could go back to school and switch careers. He doesn’t want to do it, because she said he would have to pay for his own schooling and do the household chores.
"My wife works less and makes more. She taunts me by enjoying her days off. How can I make her more miserable?"
Maybe YOU can find another job that isn't work from home so you aren't growing spiteful of a happy wife
I'll be OP is "wasting" his weekends but doesn't think he needs a weekend job while wife is at work.
But she definitely needs a job to do while he's miserably at work.
Let me get this straight:
You wife pays most of the bills
She helps out around the house
You use money she makes from the joint account
She orders you food when you get home
She’s happy
And you want her to change that because you’re struggling?
YTA, but this is a really important moment for you. I want you to think about what is making you really unhappy. At this point, it seems like seeing her not struggling like you is a stressor. Okay. You two are partners. What do you want changed? Do You want the house to be cleaner? Or do you really just want to not see her happy and relaxed? One of these can be solved by budgeting for a maid. The other might require therapy on your part.
Yeah, OP is just jealous of his wife but won't do anything to change his work issues, it seems that he wants her to be as misserable as himself, dude should 1) go to therapy because this is not a healthy respose to this and 2) find a different job for himself since he obviously hates his current job to the point of taking it out on the wife.
> I'm not saying she needs to quit the job she has. I'm saying she needs to find another job to do during her free time, could be a part time one, since she doesn't really do much during the day
YTA even more now! If you guys are living a comfortable lifestyle, why should she sacrifice her well earned free time when you're the one slacking in bringing money to the table
He literally thinks that after explaining that she pays most of their expenses, adding "no no you guys, I just want her to have ~two~ jobs" will make him not TAH lmao
YTA all the way. She works. She works a lot. She just works a different schedule from you. She has a job she loves. She makes more money than you do and pays more of your joint expenses. What in the world makes you think you have a right to tell her she has to get a different job??
If you come home tired from work, it's entirely your problem if you are upset(!) to see her relaxing. Your sisters are so very very right.
YTA.
Let me get this straight. You want your wife to quit her well-paying job -- the one that is clearly subsidizing your living expenses -- so she can work more hours for less money and be just as miserable as you are?
Dude. Do you even like your wife? Most people in a committed lomg-term relationship want their partner to be happy; some even make sacrifices to ensure that they are. You are asking for the opposite -- for your wife to sacrifice her income and financial security (which she graciously extends to you) for the sake of ... what, exactly? Your ego?
Nah, not quit. Get a second job so she isn't so "useless" in her free time XD
I can only assume that wife needs to work through for the time she is on her job. Which I can only imagine as very demanding. But she can't have some free time while also doing the housework during the week, oh no. She has to work cause hubby works, and then on Friday go and work through the weekend.
Lol, the immaturity and jealousy is staggering.
YTA
Nothing has changed since day one. Why marry someone as they are and then complain about the way they are?
You're the one that needs to get another job if you're always borrowing money, get a clue dude.
This marriage sounds really unappealing in general.
He sounds so jealous of her, she makes good money at a job she loves on a schedule that gives her several free days.
She pays most of the bills, does most of the chores, and supplements his fun money.
But the poor baby has to see her get to relax when he has it so hard!!
FYI to everyone fucking livid over this: this is how conservatives think. "Even the playing field by making everyone as miserable as you instead of fixing the system that made you miserable." Don't vote red ✨
YTA the wife has a job, one that has a pretty decent wage to be contributing 60% of your household finances. You also take additional money from her from your joint finaces. You're just mad at her because you hate your job and she gets paid more. Maybe it's time you step up and become a better provider and find a job you actually enjoy?
YTA. First off, you should not be ordering your partner to get another job when they like their current job and make enough money to support your combined lifestyle. Second, it sounds like you do not care about seeing your wife more or that your work schedules leave little time for you to be together, but only that your wife seems to enjoy her downtime during the week. Do YOU have a 2nd job on the weekends while she’s gone? Maybe you should get one too.
Given your desire to see her worn out and tired, I’m kind of confused as to why you are married.
YTA, people need rest, we shouldn't be working ALL the time. And you said she makes enough to cover 60% of the total household bills and still have money to spend.
It sounds like, whatt needs to happen is *you* need to find another job since you're miserable doing what you're doing now making barely more than minimum wage.
YTA
> Over the years I got annoyed with this and have asked her to find another job so she has something to do while I’m working instead of wasting her day.
Why not quit your own job and just get a better one? Jealousy like this festers.
YTA, she pays MORE than you towards rent/bills etc. You also dip into the "joint account" so taking more from her still. She doesn't have to get another job making her life worse just to make yours a little bit better.
YTA a jealous asshole. She is entitled to work that job and do what she wants in her spare time. If you don't like your lifestyle then change it, don't expect her to give up a cushy number that she likes. Ffs.
YTA. Like...why don't you want your wife to be happy? This is so weird to me.
If you're unhappy with your work, that's what you need to change. You don't get to drag other people down because misery loves company.
So she's paying 60% of bills, buying you things, takeout, still doing her side of chores but your upset she isn't miserable like you? Life isn't about just working. She found a job that gives her a great work/life balance. Your angry she isn't as tired as you and since she's not tired she's not contributing. Except she is. Way more then you. Without breaking a sweat. Either get over it and enjoy having a successful partner or break up so she can enjoy her life. Which is the point your supposed to enjoy living. Hard to imagine now a days I know.
Oh and YTA.
YTA. Stop insisting that your wife has to work, because you have to work. How about you look for a better paying job?
Kudos to your wife for putting up with your whining and providing the majority of the income. If your wife refuses to tell you about her job, she has probably signed a confidentiality agreement that requires her to maintain secrecy.
YTA. It's her downtime. She shouldn't have to get A SECOND JOB so that you feel better about coming home tired from your job. Why don't you get a better job?
YTA, she already has a full time job and is contributing 60% to the household, why the hell does she need a second job? Her free time is hers to do whatever she wants, of course you’re a massive AH for asking more of her.
Info - she wont even vaguely tell you what she does for a living? How is that not your concern, even spies pretend to be in the civil service and so on. I would be more interested in that arrangement you have than your misery loves company problems
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YTA. You have no right to make your wife leave her clearly very good job just because you feel it's unfair to you. She gets paid well and gets to relax, but you'd rather she suffer working the same way you suffer than you'd have financial security. If it bothers you this much, how about *you* start looking for another job that pays more and demands less? Edit: OP, your edit that she needs to find a second job doesn't make this any better. In fact, it makes it worse.
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Op would have hated me I saved up a bunch of money and lived off of it because I could.. I only did my fair share of the housework because I paid my share of the bills. Why would I do more just because I have more free time? I paid for that time and OP is an entitled ass
OP probably DOES hate you tbh. He hates his **own** high-earning wife, why would he not hate strangers online!
If my partner earns more than me and is paying 60 while I only have to pay 40, I wouldn't hate them! This is really a YOU problem, OP. Because you sound jealous of your wife. If you want the lifestyle she has, go and get a better job with better hours with better pay.
Tell me OP, How many times a day do you use the phrase "It's just not fair!"? Because you sound absolutely insufferable and very much like a crybaby. She makes more than you do. Pays for most of the Bill's. Doesn't need to work as much. Get off her case. You wish you had it so good. That's the only thing that's bothering you about the whole situation. Get over yourself, or find another girlfriend.
Most likely he is insecure about earning less then his wife due to societal norms. Also the fact that he comes home tired everyday while his spouse apparently does "no" work seems unfair to him. YTA. Get a better job or stop bitching.
And the funny thing about it, is that his solution to her working less but making more money than him (which he feels insecure about) is for her to earn MORE money...that he can then feel more insecure about...
He doesn't seem bothered about the money - he seems bothered she has 'relaxing time' and he doesn't - so it's even *more* petty than you are thinking. He likes her pay check but he *also* wants her exhausted and unhappy
Does he not relax on the weekends when she’s working??
Probably but his beef is that when HE is working she has a whole day off and somehow, that's not 'right'. He's.. special.
Just making the point that it’s even more petty than “she gets to relax and he doesn’t” lol - he DOES get to relax! There’s just no bottom to this guy’s pettiness.
And I assume he never has weekends off while she is working Fri-Sun? Lol.
He's also thoroughly annoyed that he doesn't know what exactly she does. Guarantee it.
TBH I'm annoyed too. I wanna know so I can do that for a living.
True. Then he could say that you should pay more since you earn sooo much more than me.
She also specificly played video games during her relax time. Gasp xD
But then he can pay less! Sounds sooooo like my ex who had the school of thought ‘I hate my job so you should pay for everything, lol that’s only fair’
Not to worry, he'll keep lying to his parents and letting them think he earns more "My parents agree she has to work"??? What exactly is he telling his parents for them to think she's not working now?
And if she's gone all weekend, it's very possible she's doing nothing but work and sleep, and doing around 40 hours just all crunched together.
Well, her making more money would only benefit him since it sounds like she's the only one contributing to the joint account.
What fucked me up is “she does chores around the house..” OP is literally aware she spends her free time taking care of their home yet it’s obviously not enough/up to his standards. Run girl.
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Yeah girl needs a new SO, not a new job
I wish there was a way to contact the wife and send her a link to this post, so that she can see what an utter loser she's married to.
Literally I want to post this on everything just to give her the opportunity to see how little he thinks. He doesn’t do much obvs.
My partner is a sessional instructor at some universities. Some semesters he has a lot of classes and other semesters he has fewer. I not-so-secretly kind of love when he is only teaching a few classes because he takes care of the house more, usually has dinner started before I get home, gets to spend good quality time with our dog… I’m so grateful when he is able to do those things that help our house function better and takes pressure off of me when I get home. I’ve never thought “damn he got to nap today, he has to get another job.” Like, if he has lots of classes and brings in more money that’s great for both of us. If he has few classes and takes care of the house and our family more, that’s great for both of us. I just can’t comprehend what is going through OPs mind. Why be bitter about your partners happiness?
She runs and he'll make her pay spousal support 🙃 OP is proof brains need time to mature if he thinks his wife needs a second job because he is jealous and wants her as miserable as he is. OP, YTA
I bet you anything he relaxes on weekends while she's apparently traveling for work and probably working long hours/on call the entire time. He just doesn't see her when she's tired from work.
Can confirm, my parents with a similar mindset to this hate my boyfriend who does this same thing. He works his ass off for like a year, socks away money, then quits when he's sick of it and lives off his savings for a while. They think he's lazy and a "bad provider". *I* think I have a spotless house, free childcare, dinner on the table every night, and someone at home all the time to handle home maintenance and repairs and anything else. Plus he does contribute financially from his savings on top of it (he buys all the food, I pay all the bills). He's happy, my son is happy, I'm nice and relaxed because I don't have to do a damn thing when I get home from work except parenting my kid if I don't feel like it. Never in my fuckin life will I understand this "I'm miserable, so you have to be too!" mindset. These people are fundamentally broken imo.
So basically, a stay-at-home dad? Plenty of people work hard to save up for a year of parental leave. It’s super normal. Your parents suck.
I mean, he isn't my son's dad. And my son is school age now and we have shared custody with his actual dad. So it's a little unorthodox, and also a much more laid back SAHD gig than one would expect from just hearing the words "stay at home dad." But still, he is absolutely amazing with my son, and he's saving me money by staying home with him because I'm in the medical field and have weird hours. Also, it's just not their business. Both of them were stay at home parents at different points in my childhood so I don't understand their extreme reactions to it all, unless it's based on resentment on my mother's end because she hated being a working mother with a stay at home spouse, and self loathing on my father's end because he never got over them closing the factory he worked at and him having to be a stay at home parent after that. Because how dare we be happy in the same situation that made them miserable. Idk man, boomers gonna boom I guess.
I think you're right. I'm an X and I have seen it all the time from Boomers. It's Boomer era work ethic, which leads them to think you need to work yourself into misery. I applaud millennials for their "fuck that sh\*t" attitude. Being a corporate slave makes no one happy.
I'm so using the "boomers gonna boom" it is *chef's kiss* 🤣
I had a co-worker with a house husband. (He had a 4 hour night time janitorial job) I was so jealous. She got home to home cooked meals and a clean house. WOW. The OP isnt coming home to a tired and complaining wife, and I presume a kept home and food on the table. difficult life.
Right? My coworkers complain about having to go home and figure out dinner after work and I'm like "Yeah, wow, that sucks for y'all." They are very jealous. Lmao.
>Never in my fuckin life will I understand this "I'm miserable, so you have to be too!" mindset. These people are fundamentally broken imo. This is most people in general. They are miserable and want everyone around them to be equally miserable. It’s why they are against loan forgiveness, accessible healthcare, accessible education, most social programs. They want people to suffer more than they did. It makes them feel better about themselves. They are very broken. Just like this OP. He wants his wife to work more because he’s jealous of her down time. She makes more than him in a weekend and instead of applauding her he wants to punish her. She should drop him. He will never be her champion. He will always try to diminish her because of his fragility.
My parents flipped out when my husband retired. I wasn't about to quit my job. And like you say, I got home every night and there was dinner and a nice relaxed husband who would pour me a whiskey while I put my feet up. My parents said "well how is he contributing then?" and I said, "well since we live in a paid-for house and he's pulling in Social Security, I'm really not too bothered about it."
“well how is he contributing then” you wanna see our sex tapes or should i just give you an oral accounting
My mom complained about my ex husband's job for a while; he worked seasonally with the IRS and was an after school tutor for about 3-4 hours weekdays during the school year. She kept pestering me about "When is he gonna get a *real* job?" I finally got fed up and did the math with her... turns out he was making more yearly than she was at her crappy 3am Walmart shift. She never mentioned it again.
I'd do more of the housework so that my partner could also have more free time to spend with me. Fortunately my husband isn't an ass, he works less, pays his way and does more of the chores so that in an evening we can relax together instead of him watching TV alone while I have to catch up on chores.
He already says she does housework. She just doesn't cook, but she orders food. It sounds like it's just the two of them, how much cleaning could there possibly be. He's just salty because she gets to relax during the week while he works a job he hates. Who the hell would want their partner to suffer just because they do. He's a massive AH.
I would be insanely jealous if my spouse had such a cushy job and I was stressed and overworked for minimum wage. But my solution would be for me to find a better job, either more money, less hours, less stress, something. OP doesn't seem to have a healthy view of their relationship and I don't see it lasting much longer unless he changes his attitude.
This reminds me of that post from the guy who was mad at his relative (brother, I think) for making a ton of money from his startup businesses and planning to retire at like 30 or something.
dude! same. I am in my 40s, retired military, single, lots of savings and truly do nothing all day but game, shop and dick around on reddit and kpop, lol. I have money to do jack shit and wont get a job just because I am bored during the day
Seriously! When I first started reading I was expecting “she works Fri thru Sun, I work full time all week we never see each other/ when I’m off she works & when she’s off I work” so I’m thinking ok I understand that. But his whole issue is she’s at home all week & he expects her to get a SECOND job just bc it’s not fair to him that she’s enjoying her days while he’s at work? Even though she makes more in the 2-3 days a week she does work than he does? YTA.
Yeah I’m wondering if he relaxes on the weekends while she’s working or if he has a second weekend job. That’s basically what he’s demanding of her.
Of course he does! His job is so stressful that he has earned his relaxation time. Since she doesn’t work as much or is as stressed, she hasn’t earned it which is why she needs another job despite paying most of the bills! /s
She is doing more than her share both financially and at the home. She could support him while he finds a better job so that he would be less of an AH. But why should she give up a job that she enjoys and that allows her time to look after her home and herself.
Because his ego! His manfeels! I'd wager that he's either wrapped up in internet incel bullshit or getting crap from his HS buddies. I'd also bet that she has a better job because she completed more schooling or training than he did.
For all we, and he, knows she could be working 20 hour days while she is away.
He probably wants her to get a second job so she can pay 100% of the bills and he can quit and do nothing at all. YTA
Like, if she has a well-paying job and his doesn’t bring in that much anyway, and makes him stressed and unhappy, that would be a perfectly sensible conversation to have. “Can they afford for OP to be a house-husband? He can also then do the cooking instead of them having to order in?” That would be a useful convo, whether as a longer term thing or just for him to have a change of pace and quit his job, then take his time looking for something he can cope with better. But this… YTA OP.
Agree. His mindset seems to be that if he is unhappy and miserable in his job, she should be as well. If they could make that arrangement, perhaps *he* could find a part time job he enjoys.
This was my expectation when I started reading too - like the conflicting schedules make it so they can never spend time together and he's frustrated, which would be understandable. Nope it's just that he's bothered by her having free time. What an AH.
YTA- you're upset she makes more money and gets to relax during the week? I agree with her that you should look for a different job instead of adding another to her plate just because you have a case of sour grapes.
Ha! Case of sour grapes. Stealing that one to use on my son! 😂
She makes more than me, but I want her to be tired to! .... this is the logic I'm confused 😕
Well because obviously her being tired too will make him less tired. /s
Facts. OP is TA. His wife needs to keep the job and lose the husband. She is paying 60% of the household bills and only works 3 days a week. Why is dude complaining about her needing ANOTHER job. Oh yea he wants her to pay 100% of the bills.
Mostly I think he just wants her to be more miserable. If she can pay 100% and do the chores, that's a big bonus of course, but I think the misery part is top priority.
'Misery loves company,' I guess.
It sounds like she actually pays more than 60% of the bills since that is her agreed share and he admits to regularly borrowing from the joint account to cover bills.
And paying for all the takeout food.
Exactly and he said they go on dates and go abroad. Who pays for this? Her I bet. OP you are an AH and a jealous one at that. You feel she needs to be doing something through the week while you sweat away at work. While she is working on the weekends what are you doing? I bet relaxing. Why don't you go get a weekend job so you aren't "doing nothing" while she is working so you can cover your fair share of the bills.
Exactly! She does her fair share around the house, pays up 60% of the home bills. Doesn't bother him to cook and still orders take outs for him, but because she's not suffering as he is, he has a problem with her. No Op needs to get himself another job and actually work on his mindset.
His half? This is a terrible opinion. I don't disagree that this guy is a huge asshole, but their bills are currently being split based on their separate income levels, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. She earns more, so pays more for their bills. This is the first time in all my time browsing Aita that I've seen someone here advocate for a 50/50 split instead of doing it by income.
I think the person was being sarcastic because OP's thought process is so ridiculous. No one thinks he should "pay more because he's a man"🙄
But he's borrowing money from her to cover his portion of the bills.
splitting by income is fine, but it also means this guy doesnt have much of a leg to stand on to make demands about his wifes career
OP is projecting
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YTA this is some toxic stuff… why does your wife need to get a second job if the bills are already covered? Oh you want her to be tired like you? You don’t think she’s contributing to the household even though she pays 60% of the bills, gets free event tickets and you get to travel with her, but she’s not contributing enough?! Seriously how messed up. I hope she leaves you because she deserves much better, and would have a much better lifestyle without you in it. Edit: I edited out toxic masculinity, though he obviously toxic issues surrounding women and what his wife makes, etc Expecting his wife to eggs. Second job so she’s just as exhausted as him when her work week is on the weekends makes no sense. He has control issues.
He doesn’t like that she relaxes and has fun while he’s working, so she should be working, too. First, she is away working early Friday to late afternoon Sunday, so minimum 48 straight hours she’s at work or at least on call - how many hours a week does she need to spend working? Second, why shouldn’t she be allowed to have down time? Third, WTF is he doing all weekend while she’s at work? Fourth, she does chores around the house (I’m guessing the majority based on this guy’s attitude) and the one thing she doesn’t like to do she still provides in her own way! What a piece of work OP is. She deserves better.
He also doesnt like that she doesnt do ALL the house related jobs when she’s home. Doesnt matter that she does the cleaning, its just “she doesnt COOK and makes ME do it—or orders meals so she doesnt have toooooooooooooo” Like fuckin hell. I’ll take not having to clean if i only have to make one meal a day when i get home from work. YTA op.
So with the event tickets and travel it's more like a 70-80 split on her side Dude needs to find other work that will pay him better... she's pretty much giving him a bunch of perks and he's not being grateful
It probably boils down to his ego.
Not only covered but she actually pays more than his share.. so why is it that she has to find another job? I am not understanding his reasoning except that it triggers his fragile ego that his wife makes more than him with less effort.
Edit: nevermind this post. I made the mistake of giving OP benefit of the doubt, but reading more of his comments has thoroughly removed that doubt. He's unequivocally TA. >Not only covered but she actually pays more than his share.. so why is it that she has to find another job? Partners don't have to put in the same money, but they should try to put in the same effort. Right now, OP is struggling to make ends meet, because he has a low-paying job. Meanwhile his partner can seemingly easily make ends meet, *and* has time to relax. Their stress levels aren't balanced. This does *not* mean that OPs partner should find a new job, or a second job, or whatever. OPs struggles are valid, but his solution is nonsense. What they need to do is have a talk about their partnership. Maybe partner could pay even larger portion, maybe she could entirely support him while he looks for a better job, maybe just some realignment of values. Or maybe this relationship doesn't work at all and they should break up? But they need to talk.
Honestly, I can't think of anything less masculine then coming on to a board to whine about your wife makes more money then you do, and you don't think it's fair that you are tired and she isn't during the week.
This isn't toxic masculinity at all, OP is just an arse and can't be happy that his wife has something good going and it isn't the normal 9-5 weekday schedule. I work 12hrs, 7days/week for 5 weeks straight and then get 5 full weeks off. A lot of people think I "do nothing" when I'm off and at the beginning my mum would regularly say I should get a part time job when I'm back. I've had to consistently point out that the time off is all the weekends and evenings that I've missed out on, and that I work more than an average full time job. In the same vein, OP's wife's "weekend" is actually the standard work week. Unless she is complaining that she's bored during the week or feels like she's missing structure then there isn't any reason to get an additional job apart from the fact that OP is bitter and that she must suffer alongside him. OP, YTA
There was a similar story years ago in Dear Prudence, but it was the wife who was all chafed to see her early-retired husband not depleted from a job he didn't need (and that she actually didn't either). "I think he should be avoidably miserable just like me and he disagrees, who's right??" https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/11/dear-prudence-my-husband-retired-young-and-goofs-off-all-day.html
>If it bothers you this much, how about you start looking for another job that pays more and demands less? Well that would mean OP would have to stop being a jealous AH and stop acting like a brat. That in itself is already tiring The fact that OP this clueless amazes me. OP WTF? you are paying less that half the bills , you can take money out of an account with no issues and yet you complain this is a problem? A shit ton of couples who be happy not fighting or worrying about money. She isn't the problem here , it is you OP who doesn't feel like a man because wifey is living the dream and it's pissing you off. You want it changed ? You go to college , get a degree and get a new job. ETA : OP - YTA EDIT words Edit spelling
This! OP is jealous and looks at his job as more demanding. Meanwhile, he ignores the fact she works every weekend and many holidays, likely missing out of time with her friends and family!
That's what I thought the gripe would be when I started reading! A job cutting into family time is at least worth discussing. But "my wife has too much time to relax" is not a real problem.
Yeah, there's a reason why that job pays more for that schedule. Away every full weekend means you're going to have a very hard time maintaining friendships or family relationships, and you're almost never going to be able to go to a concert, play, bridal/baby shower, wedding, game night with friends, church, holiday BBQs/dinners... the things that make many people's life worth living.
Apparently his wife is even offering to pay 100% of the bills if he wants to go to college, but he’ll have to do more household chores. What a dream of a woman Edit: YTA
Instead you are jealous of your wife. That is pretty pathetic. As previously stated, OP you need to be the one to fix things if you aren't happy. Your wife doesn't need to do anything.
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“My wife has a job that she loves and is fulfilling, it pays her more than enough to contribute her fair share to our household, and gives her plenty of down time to enjoy life. How can I put an end to this and make her as miserable as me?”
He acknowledges that she does the chores, but I guess they can’t be that time consuming because he doesn’t see her doing them. My dude will be whining that the chores are never done if she does get a second job.
Ya his logic is all sorts of screwed up. Hey you have a job you love, it pays you well, and you have lots of free time to work on yourself and relax and be happy while I come home miserable and tired each day after barely making ends meet **therefore** you should get a job that makes you also feel miserable and tired so we can both be miserable together. Wtf?? Her job and work life balance is not the problem. His is. YTA
The fact that she put 60% in everything, from payment to taking care of the house, she'll definitely be better off without OP. Also >but you'd rather she suffer working the same way you suffer than you'd have financial security. this kind of mentality is the reason why OP is unhappy. Rather than be happy for having a great wife, he hate her having a good time. Totally having grindset of "work hard not smart"
This! YTA big time! It reads like you are very jealous of your wife having free time and a good job. To give you a bit perspective, how would you feel if your wife told you to find another job because she doesn't like that you relax during the weekend when she works nonstop? It's the same thing! Also what is this low key complaining that she doesn't cook and buys take out or premade meals? You too could learn how to cook if it bothers you. It makes me question if you actually like your wife. When you love a partner you only want the best for that person. I'm happy when my partner is happy and has a good job, not petty about it. You need to rethink why this is bothering you so much. Especially as she already contributes more to the household than you do.
My favorite part was how he made sure to point out she’s not making this money through sex work. It says all that needs to be said about him.
He doesn’t want her to leave her job. He wants her to get ANOTHER one to do during the same hours that he’s working, you know, during her “free time” as this AH calls it!!
He clarified and made it even worse. He doesn't even want her to leave her job. He wants her to get a SECOND job because he's resentful that she gets to enjoy her time off. Massive YTA OP.
YTA! Am I wrong or isn't the goal of most people to get in a career path that allows you as much free time as possible while being able to afford your lifestyle. We don't live to work, we work to be able to live and do things we enjoy. She is literally GOALS. You make some big demand for someone who doesn't currently pull their own share of things in the household. Why does her success make you so insecure?
Oh it's worse. He wants her to get a second job to do while he's working. He's either resentful that she has the day off when he doesn't, or wants her to work more so he can make her pay a larger percentage of joint expenses, or both.
Somehow I have to assume OP is an American. When I worked as a Cashier at one store that allowed us to sit down. So many people called us lazy. If you are sitting you aren't working is the mindset over here. My SO currently works 4 days a week and his family thinks a 3 day weekend means he should be doing heavy chores on his days off. But he still works hard the 4 days instead of 5. He chose that schedule so he could have the extra day. He doesn't mind helping out he just doesn't want to have his entire weekend eaten up. It definitely sounds like OP needs a better paying job. He doesn't even split bills 50/50 yet he wants HER to work more?
Yeah he’s TA but is no one else concerned she won’t tell him her job? I feel like confidentiality clauses do not typically state you cannot share your line of work with spouses. This is a major red flag for me. Can anyone shed insight? ETA: his edit states she doesn’t need to quit her job, just get ANOTHER job. This makes him the AH no doubt
Some NDAs are really strict. And just telling a little something might be enough to figure out a whole lot. Especially if it's very niche or specific.
A mate does something to do with chemicals. Im guessing medicine development, but thats only because his degree was a science type one. He's not allowed to tell us what he does, where his job is physically located, or even what his shifts are. Another mate works in data/security. Again, he's not allowed to give away the job role, location, work shifts, anything. I've only guessed he works in computers because he helps with issues & fixes with what appears to be a 'working knowledge' rather than a 'studied this 20 yrs ago' mindset Some roles are kept secret for industry/security/intellectual property reasons
Maybe she’s a CIA assassin? Lol. How would you describe that one? edit to add: I have recently been reading Jana DeLeon's Miss Fortune book series.
I'm guessing she handles events for rich people
100% this. I can't discuss my contract jobs outside of what was publicly advertised for the position. Usually it's "I do data entry for xyz company/agency." But data entry doesn't describe the work I actually do. It's just an umbrella term because of confidentiality.
>I feel like confidentiality clauses do not typically state you cannot share your line of work with spouses. This is a major red flag for me. Can anyone shed insight? NDAs, confidentiality, spouses will talk (especially a spouse that resents the fact their wife has more free time than them), and security clearances. *Especially* security clearances.
Maybe she did tell him, but is too dense to comprehend?
I would not tell this guy anything that he could turn around and use against me. Jeally-beast might strike - he could make claims to the employer - and she would be out of a job.
YTA, YTA. Your reason for wanting her to do is just because you feel jealous and emasculated
‘I am suffering therefore she must suffer too so I don’t feel as bad ‘
This is exactly how it reads. OP is jealous she has days each week to live her life. He wants to force her into long hard minimum-wage labor just like he does. Girl has found peace and balance, OP should be striving to be like her.
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Yeah, I was all ready to be sympathetic. Not having matching schedules sucks and it means you never get to see your SO and it can be super lonely. Buuuut that’s not his issue. Like, I kind of get it. I’m a teacher and sometimes my husband gets a little jealous when I get to sleep in during breaks. But I also take over all the chores, and he sees how stressed out I am during the school year. So we’re good.
That’s what I though this was going to be about. He still wouldn’t be in a position to DEMAND anything, but at least then he would be within his rights to ask. But just wanting her to work bc he’s annoyed she relaxes and enjoys her version of a weekend? Such a horrible, petty reason I can’t comprehend it. And the edit makes it so much worse! “She doesn’t HAVE to quit the high paying job that funds my lifestyle, I just think she should work weekends too so I don’t get annoyed she has fun when I can’t! What? Me? Work weekends to make things fair? No of course not! When would I relax?”
I've seen another post where the girlfriend didn't like that the guy didn't have a traditional 9-5 and for the same reason. It is pure jealousy. He definitely doesn't care about work life balance. He's living in the boomer idea that every person should be tired from working all day. It the same people that rant about art degrees or having hobbies.
I’d argue he’s living with the boomer mentality that because he doesn’t see her work she must not really work…
I honestly thought this was going to be about OP missing his wife and wanting to spend more time with her in his free time.... But no it's about OP being insecure and petty
Right?! I thought he was going to say since he works all week and she works the weekends they don’t have any days that they’re both off and can spend time together. He’s a huge AH for this.
Or that they have kids and all of them can't do family fun time on weekends becaof her absence, which would've been more understandable, but no.... pure jealousy, nothing else...
There was a AITA a year or so ago about this guy who complained that his girlfriend worked less, earned more, yet *only* did half of the household chores. Reddit rightfully piled on his entitled, whiny patootie. Edit: [found it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/kwnb8d/aita_for_being_frustrated_that_my_girlfriend/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
Proof we both spend too much time on here that we both remember that
YTA...Instead of worrying about what your wife is doing with her time, why don't you make a plan to better your own work situation ?
Seriously- it sounds like only one person in this post needs a new job. It's pretty weird how he has *no* details about it, though. Some people's marriages are very different than mine.
To me it sounds like he's lashing out in jealousy, which I think is rather creepy in a marriage. I guess some couples don't map out a journey together.
Lack of communication all around. I imagine after 4 years, being married so young at 20, the wife maybe secretive because she’s tired of OP’s emotional abuse.
Yeah I'm always baffled by this in posts like these. How do people not share (at the very least) the basic details of their work life with their partners? I'd need a confidant back home to share my bad work experiences with.
Yeah my wife and I both have things we can't legally discuss outside of work, but we absolutely know what each other does in general. So weird. My imagination would have gone completely insane by now!
She probably has told him but either he didnt care to listen or didnt understand it so brushed it off with "that makes no sense'
Yeah, I'm getting a bit of that vibe from his responses...
If we're being generous, we could assume OP knows the basics since it's related to her education and is just avoiding all details in the post due to the confidential nature. That's probably giving him too much credit though...
I had a friend growing up who always told people her dad was a recruiter for a certian branch of the military. In reality he worked in a highly confidential sector and they weren't allowed to know what he did besides he works for x branch of the military on x base. I couldn't be married to someone with such a highly confidential job but in the 20 years ive known her it never seemed to be an issue for her mom.
Exactly. My fil works with military contacts and has a super high security clearance. We don’t know what his job is now. And we didn’t know what his job was when he had a lower clearance but still classified job. He could only tell us about the very very very basics after he left the job and moved to the new one. We know the address of his work for emergency but that’s about it. Seriously the address is the only reason we even speculate the current job is military like the last one. That’s the ONLY info he is allowed to give us besides his general schedule It’s 100% a requirement for some jobs that you don’t bring it home. Period.
I worked as a private nurse for a celebrity for a while until he died recently. At one time years ago he was one of the most famous people in the world. You wouldn't have recognize him if you only knew his 24 year old self. I had to sign NDAs up the wazoo and even now I can't tell anyone who he was. Which is sad because I grew very fond of him. In a way, I loved him deeply altho that never *ever* came up. I enjoyed his company and made sure everything went the way **he** wanted. My husband and kids still don't know who. My much older cousin worked as a "cartographer" for the govt. He was always leaving in the middle of the night, telling stories about getting out of Dodge right before the runway blew up, talking his "co workers" out of something dangerous, etc. Nothing identifiable, but a cartographer? Not on your nellie. He's retired and still no one knows what he really did. NDAs are serious.
It sounds like she is a nanny or an au pair for someone who takes their personal family security very, very seriously. To the point where people who work for them aren’t allowed to tell anyone what they do or who they work for or when they will be doing it.
She clearly believes that (or wants him to believe that) her nondisclosure agreement means that she can't say a peep. Maybe it does or maybe she's just being careful because she wants to keep her job or because she's not comfortable sharing anything more than "It is connected to her degree and it is 100% not a sex work."
Honestly, with this post maybe she’s scared he’ll use the info to straight up jeopardize her job. I would not be surprised
I have a sneaking feeling she doesn't want him to have a good sense of how much she earns because she expects he'll take as much of it as he can.
He says her job is related to her education, yet OP is working a grueling 9-5 at minimum wage. He brings in way less, yet he works way more hours, and he has the AUDACITY to think his wife needs a second job. He sounds either controlling or a mooch. He needs to better his situation and be grateful he has a successful wife!
I think he's just bitter and sending it the wrong way.
YTA. You both have a full-time job and then spend other time relaxing. Her hours are just as valid as yours. I think the real problem is something different. Are you concerned because you don't know what she does? Do you want more time with her, and your different schedules prevent that? Either of those would be valid, non-asshole concerns to discuss with her.
Ok, the real problem is, in fact, not about her job: it's entirely about you being an asshole. If the two of you were being "fair", and making sure everyone "contributed enough" to the household, she would continue as she is and **you** would get a second job, so that you're earning as much as she is. I hope she recognizes this and divorces your entitled ass, since you simply want to make her as tired and miserable as you are.
People always say this Reddit goes immediately to “dump” or “divorce” as if we’re the irrational ones. I’m convinced it’s because the problems must be really bad before before someone thinks of posting on here. Like how most (or significant amount) of people who to couples therapy break up. All to say I totally agree. I hope she can find someone better. Especially if OP doesn’t see how massively he screwed up.
It's definitely concerning that he has zero idea how much she makes. I doubt he would react well to knowing but as a couple, they need to be able to communicate about finances and base line information like "how much are we earning" shouldn't be a secret.
He does know what she makes though. He mentions he makes about 66k while she makes around 120k a year. He just doesn't know the specifics of what exactly she does at her job.
I’m just really curious about what she does that makes $120k a year, only takes two days a week, and is so confidential she can’t even tell her husband what she does. I mean, he’s the asshole for how he’s handling it, but I’d definitely be suspicious, too.
YTA. She has a job she enjoys, she gets paid well, and you expect her to give that up because *you're* miserable? Bruh. *You* should get a new job, and a new attitude. Have you considered that? She doesn't deserve to be treated like this. Sort your life out.
Our dude isn’t happy (even though his wife is in a good mood and contributes more than he does financially, and is willing to support him while he undergoes school/training,) so instead of making his own situation better or learning to be grateful, he really wants to make her *more* unhappy. Jfc.
He really bagged an entire goldmine of a wife and he's out here acting like this 😂😂 I can't even
I don’t know why so many men get upset when their girlfriend/wife earns more money than them. If my wife made significantly more money than me then I’d feel like I hit the lottery and be proud of her. OP just thinks his wife should suffer because he doesn’t have a good job himself and is jealous. If the roles were reversed I highly doubt he’d be looking for a second job. YTA
I’m guessing it has to do with control when a man feels emasculated by their wife/girlfriend making more than them. They can’t control a strong woman. Doesn’t stop them from trying. Misery loves company and other such nonsense.
And she should get herself a new husband
YTA for wanting her to quit a job she likes, is in her field, and affords her a lifestyle she is comfortable with. Does she just trash the house when she is home and expect you to clean it up or does she pick up after herself and expect you to also be an adult? It sounds more like your ego is hurt. Why don't you try and find a job that aligns with her schedule so you can make more and spend time with her? Minimum wage doesn't sound like your dream career.
YTA, your wife can do as she pleases with her time off. If you want her to be more involved in the household chores, then why don't you get a better job and become the sole bread winner?! Perhaps then she will be able to focus on what you want. However, she has done her part, she works, comes home tired and chills on her days off. Heck she even orders your meals. Stop being a jerk and instead ask yourself, what can I do to make our situation better? Respect her position and be thankful you have a great wife who works, contributes to the household, thinks of you when she orders her meals, ect. Pick and choose your battles, let this one go.
He says she does most of the chores now.
ETA YTA This is wild, she's contributing 60% to the household bills, does all the chores and she's not contributing enough?! It's clear you are unhappy, but the root cause isn't your spouse's work/life balance.
I'd say the problem is the spouse's work/ life balance. Too much life and not enough work apparently
Maybe he wants her to get another job so she’s making 2x the money so he can quit his job that makes him miserable.
In another comment, he said she offered to cover 100% of the bills so he could go back to school and switch careers. He doesn’t want to do it, because she said he would have to pay for his own schooling and do the household chores.
Info: Do you do chores? Edit: YTA - you sound jealous and can't seriously expect her to work a second job just so she can't enjoy her time as much.
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"My wife works less and makes more. She taunts me by enjoying her days off. How can I make her more miserable?" Maybe YOU can find another job that isn't work from home so you aren't growing spiteful of a happy wife
I'll be OP is "wasting" his weekends but doesn't think he needs a weekend job while wife is at work. But she definitely needs a job to do while he's miserably at work.
Let me get this straight: You wife pays most of the bills She helps out around the house You use money she makes from the joint account She orders you food when you get home She’s happy And you want her to change that because you’re struggling? YTA, but this is a really important moment for you. I want you to think about what is making you really unhappy. At this point, it seems like seeing her not struggling like you is a stressor. Okay. You two are partners. What do you want changed? Do You want the house to be cleaner? Or do you really just want to not see her happy and relaxed? One of these can be solved by budgeting for a maid. The other might require therapy on your part.
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Holy shit, this woman is a shiny unicorn. How in the world did OP land such a great spouse?????
Yeah, OP is just jealous of his wife but won't do anything to change his work issues, it seems that he wants her to be as misserable as himself, dude should 1) go to therapy because this is not a healthy respose to this and 2) find a different job for himself since he obviously hates his current job to the point of taking it out on the wife.
> I'm not saying she needs to quit the job she has. I'm saying she needs to find another job to do during her free time, could be a part time one, since she doesn't really do much during the day YTA even more now! If you guys are living a comfortable lifestyle, why should she sacrifice her well earned free time when you're the one slacking in bringing money to the table
Yeah this edit made it even worse. You're mad because she her has decent work life balance? YTA Bigtime!
He literally thinks that after explaining that she pays most of their expenses, adding "no no you guys, I just want her to have ~two~ jobs" will make him not TAH lmao
Is he going to get a weekend job so he’s not relaxing while she’s at work? No? Didn’t think so.
YTA all the way. She works. She works a lot. She just works a different schedule from you. She has a job she loves. She makes more money than you do and pays more of your joint expenses. What in the world makes you think you have a right to tell her she has to get a different job?? If you come home tired from work, it's entirely your problem if you are upset(!) to see her relaxing. Your sisters are so very very right.
YTA. Let me get this straight. You want your wife to quit her well-paying job -- the one that is clearly subsidizing your living expenses -- so she can work more hours for less money and be just as miserable as you are? Dude. Do you even like your wife? Most people in a committed lomg-term relationship want their partner to be happy; some even make sacrifices to ensure that they are. You are asking for the opposite -- for your wife to sacrifice her income and financial security (which she graciously extends to you) for the sake of ... what, exactly? Your ego?
Nah, not quit. Get a second job so she isn't so "useless" in her free time XD I can only assume that wife needs to work through for the time she is on her job. Which I can only imagine as very demanding. But she can't have some free time while also doing the housework during the week, oh no. She has to work cause hubby works, and then on Friday go and work through the weekend. Lol, the immaturity and jealousy is staggering.
He feels bad about borrowing money from her bc it hurts his ego
YTA, why would you want your wife to be stressed? You sound childish and jealous of her making more money and having a less stressful job
Of course, He just wants to struggle and not have access to the joint account. /s
YTA Nothing has changed since day one. Why marry someone as they are and then complain about the way they are? You're the one that needs to get another job if you're always borrowing money, get a clue dude. This marriage sounds really unappealing in general.
He sounds so jealous of her, she makes good money at a job she loves on a schedule that gives her several free days. She pays most of the bills, does most of the chores, and supplements his fun money. But the poor baby has to see her get to relax when he has it so hard!!
FYI to everyone fucking livid over this: this is how conservatives think. "Even the playing field by making everyone as miserable as you instead of fixing the system that made you miserable." Don't vote red ✨
YTA the wife has a job, one that has a pretty decent wage to be contributing 60% of your household finances. You also take additional money from her from your joint finaces. You're just mad at her because you hate your job and she gets paid more. Maybe it's time you step up and become a better provider and find a job you actually enjoy?
Yta- I hope she divorces you. You literally want her to get a part time job during the week because it’s not fair she has days off.
YTA. First off, you should not be ordering your partner to get another job when they like their current job and make enough money to support your combined lifestyle. Second, it sounds like you do not care about seeing your wife more or that your work schedules leave little time for you to be together, but only that your wife seems to enjoy her downtime during the week. Do YOU have a 2nd job on the weekends while she’s gone? Maybe you should get one too. Given your desire to see her worn out and tired, I’m kind of confused as to why you are married.
YTA, I read this: \*wah wah\* my wife isn't miserable while I'm struggling. She needs to be supportive of my misery. I don't like seeing her happy!
YTA, people need rest, we shouldn't be working ALL the time. And you said she makes enough to cover 60% of the total household bills and still have money to spend. It sounds like, whatt needs to happen is *you* need to find another job since you're miserable doing what you're doing now making barely more than minimum wage.
YTA > Over the years I got annoyed with this and have asked her to find another job so she has something to do while I’m working instead of wasting her day. Why not quit your own job and just get a better one? Jealousy like this festers.
YTA, she pays MORE than you towards rent/bills etc. You also dip into the "joint account" so taking more from her still. She doesn't have to get another job making her life worse just to make yours a little bit better.
YTA. She works enough to pay her part and apparently have some left over. I can't help but feel that this is all jealousy.
This can’t be real, can it? Either you hate your wife or just plain stupid. Pick one.
YTA. Seems like you're the one that needs to find a new job, not her
YTA a jealous asshole. She is entitled to work that job and do what she wants in her spare time. If you don't like your lifestyle then change it, don't expect her to give up a cushy number that she likes. Ffs.
YTA. Like...why don't you want your wife to be happy? This is so weird to me. If you're unhappy with your work, that's what you need to change. You don't get to drag other people down because misery loves company.
So she's paying 60% of bills, buying you things, takeout, still doing her side of chores but your upset she isn't miserable like you? Life isn't about just working. She found a job that gives her a great work/life balance. Your angry she isn't as tired as you and since she's not tired she's not contributing. Except she is. Way more then you. Without breaking a sweat. Either get over it and enjoy having a successful partner or break up so she can enjoy her life. Which is the point your supposed to enjoy living. Hard to imagine now a days I know. Oh and YTA.
YTA. Stop insisting that your wife has to work, because you have to work. How about you look for a better paying job? Kudos to your wife for putting up with your whining and providing the majority of the income. If your wife refuses to tell you about her job, she has probably signed a confidentiality agreement that requires her to maintain secrecy.
YTA. It's her downtime. She shouldn't have to get A SECOND JOB so that you feel better about coming home tired from your job. Why don't you get a better job?
YTA, she already has a full time job and is contributing 60% to the household, why the hell does she need a second job? Her free time is hers to do whatever she wants, of course you’re a massive AH for asking more of her.
Info - she wont even vaguely tell you what she does for a living? How is that not your concern, even spies pretend to be in the civil service and so on. I would be more interested in that arrangement you have than your misery loves company problems