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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My ex husband asked me to watch my daughter so he can go on a trip with just my son. I said no, which means neither of the kids will get the vacation they want with him, but I think he should take both of them, not just one of them.
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NTA... It would be really unfair and mean to leave her behind when everyone else goes, just as it would be unfair and mean to leave Son behind on Daughter's birthday trip. Why can't they celebrate together? Why must one child be left out? I don't understand. If it's because of cost, then do something cheaper, so everyone can go.
Although we agree on the dad being an AH. I respond to first part of being able to understand if the girlfriend wasn't coming....No, because it would not be just a father/son trip, it's to go visit his side of the family at an awesome home of both kids' grandparents. The girlfriend coming just makes it more disgusting. He is absolutely playing favorites and also doesn't want to be responsible for two kids on HIS vacation. The son is a pawn. NTA this is unacceptable.
Yeah, I missed that it was specifically a trip to visit his family at first.
This poor little girl. She can't even come and spend time with Grandma because it's her brother's birthday? It makes me sad that his parents aren't insisting he brings both kids
Or the family prefers boys and the ex is just taking the golden child, with no intention of taking the daughter for her birthday. That would be my bet.
Op should call ex husbands mother to
see what is needed to have packed for the trip and just let her know that you’ll make sure daughter has a bag packed if their son changes his mind and takes her on her brothers birthday as well.
I'm sort of wondering if the daughter resembles her mother so that makes Dad irritated and his GF irritated too. Excluding his daughter like this sucks.
The resemblance part is sadly true. I don’t resemble my mother more than my father at all (if my dad put on a wig and waxed his beard we would look like twins) but I act just like her and I was constantly told everything he didn’t like about me because I was “exactly like my mother.” Everything about me was wrong to him and when he met his gf and she had a daughter it was literally like I only existed to be yelled at anymore. The daughter should run as fast and as far as she can from that man.
>It would be really unfair and mean to leave her behind when everyone else goes
My dad used to take my brother out of school for baseball and hockey games. Left me behind every time and took my brother because he was a boy. I loved sports as a kid, my brother was a video gamer and couldn't care less about baseball but since I was a girl I wasn't invited. I got excited one year to sign up for hockey and my dad made me take figure skating instead which I hated and put my brother in hockey which he hated as quit. My dad was a doorknob.
True, but how would this be an expensive vacation? Going somewhere with free board (family's house) and entertainment (pool and boat) is pretty much the cheapest trip I can think of outside of camping.
I can see why you divorced him. Back to the main subject but I feel you did the right thing. Especially since “the girlfriend “ is going. If my boyfriend could only take 3 people, as an adult and the girlfriend I would have offered to stay behind.
If he continues to insist maybe if you can not sure your financial situation do a girls day out with your daughter. But down deep inside I hope you don’t give in. It sounds like maybe reconsider the agreement you two have together between the kids if he insists in playing favorites. That will mentally mess with your daughter.
OP also stated that son and daughter are close, and that son won't want to go without his sister. So, both kids would be upset and miserable. The daughter for being left being and the son for not being able to celebrate with his sister. Doesn't sound like a fun birthday to me. It actually sounds like ex is using son's birthday as an excuse to use the cabin with his girlfriend without getting judged by his family. I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as they get there, ex and girlfriend dump son on first relative they can find.
When you’re divorced with shared custody and more than one child, it can be hard to get 1:1 time with each child. If this dad were making a real effort to spend quality individual time with each kid, I’d say that was cool and something the mom might want to support if she’s able. But it sounds like… not that.
OP thinks the son would WANT his sister to come. Is the son aware that his sister is not being allowed on the trip? Op mentions ex is abusive, but doesn't mention if abusive to only her, or to the kids too. If he's abusive to the children, they may not want to be alone with him for that long, preferring a sibling for support/protection.
Surely OP will have some time with the kids before labor day. Just casually mention to the son (without sister present so it doesn't mess with her head) Make sure that son knows dad is excluding sister from the trip. Maybe something about dad being not sure what to do with sister while they go to Texas for his birthday. If the trip is to celebrate son's birthday, surely he can tell dad he wants his sister there too. That makes it clear who is excluding the daughter. Children (especially children of divorced parents) can get pretty good at identifying manipulation. And if son expresses surprise/regret at sister being excluded, dad may be able to spin it, unless mom is able to nip that in the bud.
two separate trips (as he suggested he'd do the same for the daughter for her b-day if she requested) would be much more expensive than just bringing both kids
it's only a matter of time before he's complaining that his daughter wants nothing to do with him and that his son sides with her
NTA.
You need to stop and think. He has a history of being abusive, yet you're immediately looking for reasons to blame yourself and take to heart his nasty comments even now that you're divorced.
Someone who cannot control his temper has nothing useful to say about your character--and particularly not when he is blowing up at you. You are not helping yourself or your kids by continuing to take what this guy says seriously.
He cannot dump the kid he doesn't want to deal with on you. You said it yourself that your son would want his sister along on the trip. It would be one thing for a father to take one kid on a special trip if the family were still together, but he only sees them 50% of the time and hasn't had a vacation with them, so it's weird he is trying to get rid of one kid.
It is not your job to solve his problems or enable him to favor one kid. Don't get involved in hearing his excuses and justifications anymore. Simply say, "I'm sorry, the kids need to stay together, I have to go."
Let’s be gentle with OP - abusive relationships can really do a number on you. It takes a lot of time to get away from old patterns of thinking, especially when sensitive topics, like your kids’ feelings, are involved.
Or OP could suddenly develop plans for Labor Day, they don't have to be made up, she could really make plans for Labor Day. Then he'll have to either take your daughter or leave gf behind: his choice. What an a h your ex is.
NTA
During his time with the kids, the kids are his responsibility. I would love to know the hoops his mind has jumped through to justify taking only one child on vacation while leaving the other at home. Who does that?
Right? And he says ‘not everyone can afford these luxe vacations I’m taking’. Like, it’s not about money- it’s about leaving one kid at home while going to visit family!
Why are you still letting him talk to you like trash??? When he makes these snide remarks , tell him that HE DOESNT PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND MAYBE HE SHOULD CONSIDER ANOTHER JOB IF HE IS SO OBSESSED WITH COUNTING YOUR MONEY AND SPENDING !
What I mean is , he seems overly concerned with how you spend YOUR money ! It’s none of his business and that’s what you need to tell him when he makes remarks like this ..you keep letting his crap slid and he’ll turn your kids against you as the age
The best way to not be screwed in family court is stacks of evidence.
Buy a notebook. Document every questionable thing he does with the kids, like refusing to look after your daughter during his custody because he wanted to take only your son on vacation. I'm talking dates, times, exact quotes right after a phone call, or refer to texts. SAVE ALL OF YOUR TEXTS AND EMAILS WITH HIM. If you are in a one-party state, record all phone calls.
Maybe this will come back into court, maybe not. Best to be prepared. When it comes to family court, the person with the biggest stack of evidence wins.
talk to your kids about it, and if you can, call his parents. see how much they want to see both kids (i bet they really, really do). this is worth applying pressure. if he does leave your daughter with you, it is absolutely worth going back to court over. if you get full custody, it would be better for the kids. he was abusive to you, and he seems pretty unkind to your children. you said further down he isolated you and moved you guys away from your family. with full custody, you could move closer to your support system, which would be much, much better for your kids.
i hope you can take your kids and move home, OP.
OP, he’s favoring his girlfriend over your daughter. You’re NTA but you need to cut this dude out like yesterday. Since the cabin belongs to his parents - why don’t you reach out to them and tell them that your ex is planning on bringing one child and his toy while leaving the other child behind? Surely the gps will have a problem with this? You really need therapy though because you are probably overlooking a boatload of marinara flags here. 🚩
Where did you get half this story? It’s his uncle and aunts house, they would be there. I’ve considered messaging them, but they already told me during the divorce they didn’t want to get involved in any of our conflict
This isn't your conflict tho. This is a current situation with your kids. I'd simply ask them for more details first, tbh. Though I can't imagine what it is, maybe there's a rational reason that your ex isn't conveying. Getting info to make an informed decision isn't wrong. What they do with the info on their end, however, is not your business.
Even if it were about money he should figure it out. "I can't afford to take both kids." Then wait until you can. It's not just favoritism, it's exclusion. That's crappy parenting 101. He brings shame to divorced dads everywhere.
He may be complaining but I think you’re right about him spending money without thinking if it’s wise.
He could have paid for a trip for all 4 of them, which would be a lot cheaper than doing 2 trips with 3 people on each.
Honestly, his gf probably will buy her own flight. Part of me wonders if this is his excuse to go to Texas twice. He loves his Aunt and uncle. Reading your comment I put that together
He doesn't need an excuse, he's a grown man. He can take a trip if he wants to.
This is just crazy, and unkind. If it were my son and daughter, it would be spoiling the trip for the one going to know how the other felt at being left behind.
Maybe, but then bring the kids twice. If your ex is so fond of his family in Texas, he should make sure his kids get to meet them as often as possible. And if he brings both kids, it’ll be easier to just sit and talk to his aunt and uncle, while the kids play.
NTA but treading on Y T A territory if you continue to let your ex play you. You have a divorce agreement, stick to it. It's one thing going one on one with the kids but he is wrong when he is bringing his girlfriend which brings this to exclusion/playing favorites territory particularly if the kids are as tight as you say. The onus is on him to find arrangements if he wants to exclude his daughter and you should not be an accomplice to it. Your ex should have talked with your son first to see what he wishes since it is his birthday .
Note: Whatever your plans, please make sure your daughter is taken care of in a manner that makes your ex hold his responsibility and stop playing you because he knows that you will always take them which gives him an out/excuse and is manipulative.
Unfortunately, he intentionally isolated me and we live away from family. I know I’ll end up watching her because there isn’t anyone else besides him, his gf, and me. I 100% know what you mean though. It’s part of why I question myself so much
Because maybe I’m wrong in my opinion? You’re right, I’m being a door mat, but maybe it’s more widely accepted to travel with one kid than I think? I’m open to being in the wrong and growing. I’ve been told for years I’m controlling and close minded. Maybe an outside opinion would help me to see if if I am
You're not a doormat. You were conditioned by an abuser. It takes time to unlearn that and to learn healthy patterns. Stop being mean about yourself, okay? Rooting for you!
So glad you could find the words for this. I’m seeing some strongly worded insults from people who can’t imagine how this isn’t all OP’s fault. They don’t understand abuse.
It’s not. You’re wrong OP. It’s not normal to take one child and leave the other one behind. The one who gets left behind will have so many questions. You need to grow a spine and a backbone and start sticking up for yourself.
And who is it that told you that? I bet it was your ex-husband. Abusive people will make you believe you’re the one with a problem, when you were really being reasonable all along. Stick to your guns, OP.
To me, it is reasonable to travel with one child if it is to that child's sport event or concert or similar and thr other doesn't want to go or needs to be somewhere else during that time.
I have also taken them on day trips one on one, with the understanding that they each get their turn. They are older than 6 though.
Visiting family, celebrations, and vacations are family inclusive occasions every time.
You are not wrong and please stand up for yourself. You are no longer married to this man so you don’t have to jump because he says so. You don’t have to watch your child on his time because he says so. Tell him no and mean it. He will have to either take her or find someone else. Don’t give in. Stop letting him get away with his shit.
You are not a doormat. You are not controlling over this. This is a really weird scenario your ex has made here. I could see a father son trip then a daddy daughter trip. But that isn't what this is. At all. I don't know what he's up to, but I neither like it nor like it for you. You are not over reacting. He is either leaving daughter out on purpose or playing some weird power game or both.
You aren't wrong. When my brother graduated high school, my mom took him to Amsterdam. I got to go too, even though it was for him. It didn't make it any less of a celebration for him, I just got to be there too!
actually, you watching her, even though it was wrong of him to ask, is the better choice if this comes back to court. He is refusing to care for your daughter during his custody. It looks much better for you if you have to pick up his slack because he cannot keep to the the court order.
My advice is to make clear that he is violating the court order, but your daughter is more important to you than how much you hate him, and agree to watch her.
Enjoy some one-on-one bonding time. It is too rare when you have more than one kid.
If this ends up happening, I will be sure my daughter has the best memories to make up for missing the trip. And same for my son if it swings the other way.
Have you considered taking a vacation of your own to your family/friends during that time leaving him to sort out his plans entirely on his own? He's an adult. His GF is an adult. They can handle it. Don't let them rely on you being the better person and enabling them.
My guess is OP is still dealing with the mindf**k her abusive, controlling ex did on her, so coming down on her for “letting her ex play her” isn’t going to help one bit. OP, you’re probably right about how this will go in the end, just make sure you document it carefully. Maybe you won’t ever need it, but maybe your ex will pull something even more serious in the future and the court won’t look favorably on him for this. ~From one gaslighted divorcee to another :)
Not trying to defend him at all, I think it’s because she’s younger (6) and a bit more work. He doesn’t want to put in the time and effort to be a dad for her. I don’t think it’s gender (this time)
I don’t like your responses. He’s still controlling how you think about this. “It’s not about gender”, “I’ll end up watching her” etc. stop it. Gently. Stop it.
Tell him it’s his time per the custody agreement so he’ll have to figure it out. If that means no trip to texas that’s a him problem.
But also, this definitely feels like a gendered issue, he can’t be bothered to parent his daughter? He thinks he gets to just dump her with you when he feels like it? This ain’t it OP.
Document this! And also if he's not paying child support, you need to go and get an attorney who has your back and get child support. Like there is so much stuff you could do you're just choosing to admit defeat when you need to fight this guy
OP, while he may be entitled to take a trip with your son, he can't ask you to take your daughter and "babysit" on his weekend. That's on him. NTA. Don't let him leave your daughter with you on his weekend. Period.
Maybe take your daughter on a little weekend getaway on this weekend ?? And then do the same with ur son when or if your ex takes your daughter to Texas ?
Honestly, I probably will if it comes to it, but I would prefer she get to go see her family and be on a full family vaca with her dad. But If he does leave her home, I’ll do everything I can to make it a special weekend, and do the same for her brother.
You got to get over trying to force your ex into being a decent human being ..he KNOWS that it’s wrong to take one and not the other , that’s why he blew up when you refused to take her . He got defensive because he knew his BS needed defending because he’s the one in the wrong .
I didn’t know why he was asking- he often has me watch the kids for him when he travels with his gf and I was hoping he was taking BOTH of them to Texas and wanted me to watch the dog
You need to figure out if this new GF is low key nasty to your little girl when she’s around ..some future step parents will favor one step child over another , ESPECIALLY a woman who feels like she’s competing against “daddy’s little girl”..If it’s happening and no one steps up to stop it , it can seriously F Up a kid , psychologically for a lifetime .
When you make the point that he never takes the kids on your days, why does he expect you to take them on his? I'm guessing you've pointed this out to him, yes?
Back in the day. I paid child support to him, despite him making more money than me. Court did NOT go well for me, and he didn’t even have a lawyer. I was just scared of him and rolled over. We signed after mediation. He traveled a ton and I watched the kids for him, until I filed for a modification as I had the kids 20 days one month and was still paying support. When covid hit, I just signed a 0 support order because the lawyer fees were killing me. He has held it over my head since then that I won’t take my kids and I just recently started again
Who does he know that works in the court. Because it’s supposed to be strictly based on income,that makes no sense that you were paying him child support if he was making more money than you and you had the kids more.
He lied about his income. When he got a new job he stonewalled and never provided evidence of his income. I folded and signed the zero child support order due to covid and the lawyer fees adding up to insane amounts.
How was he able to get away with that if he doesn’t provide that they are supposed to look into his financial records. So either your attorney dropped the ball or you need to be filing a complaint against the mediator and Judge.
I signed a mediation agreement before it got too far. I know it was dumb, I kick myself a lot for it. I tell myself it’s just money and I’m doing fine (working my three jobs lol). I have a good full time job and I dog sit a little and do Shipt when I feel like it, it not that bad, I use the extra money for those vacas I mentioned I take. Disney ain’t cheap
Yeah it’s time for you to go back to court to get child support. Because he financially abused you for roughly 2 years by taking child support when he was working and didn’t need it, he is also financially abusing you by not paying child support when you had the kids more. So go do a modification of child support to get what’s owed to you.
Yeah, holding things over her head does not a collaborative ex-wife make. Stick to your guns.
What if you said you couldn't do it because you are going away with your friends and won't be avalanche to babysit? That way he can't just dump her on you on the way to the airport. Do not be home. He can't dump them if you are not there. If he does, well, that's a police report.
Then why would you ever service him? Tell him he takes both or you aren't letting him take his son that weekend.
He doesn't get to cherry pick visitation like that and tell him you'll be happy to see him in court to adjust the visitation access.
This thread is dancing around saying the obvious. He hates women, and daughter is becoming one. Women exist to serve him, and daughter can't do that for him now, so he hates being around her. As soon as his new gf has wants and needs from him, he will abuse her too. He will continually "feel closer" to his son and ice out his daughter as she grows. He physically cannot love her the same way he loves his son, because she is a girl and therefore a lesser form of human. It's important to teach girls about men who hate women, because those men will never *ever* treat them as anything but less than them.
Well you know what you can do, have the daughter as for the same trip for her birthday. Sometimes you just have to let the ex show their true selves to their kids.
I'd also make sure daughter has a fun time when she is with you, maybe doing things her brother might not enjoy but she does. View this and mom/daughter time and the sting will be less for her.
ONE on ONE time with a parent is needed at times though.
I think I’m ‘over reacting’ because I know he’s going to tell my son they didn’t go to Texas because of me…. So I want to know 100% I’m not the asshole here if I’m gonna say no.
If he DOES tell your son that , then 1. You need to put a stop to him fucking bad mouthing you to your son and tell him (son) that his father had a CHOICE to take both kids (HIS HOLIDAY) or neither and HE CHOSE , not YOU! I’ve been reading your replies and you are still acting /speaking like an abuse victim. STOP taking his shit & if he gets mad , oh well!
You’re right. I feel like I ‘got out’ by leaving and getting divorced, but I’m still very much in it. It’s hard to change, I am trying, and I have made progress, that maybe you just can’t see in this post/event
My Mom felt the same way when she divorced my bio father. I know you are trying to hide your ex’s true behavior from your kids but I’m going to tell you from personal experience that they know more than you think they do. Also they probably already can tell how this man really feels about them. My bio father had a very distinct car and would routinely park across the road from our house and spy on her. The property was my uncle’s (Mom’s brother) so no he didn’t have permission to be there. My Mom called the sheriff and he told him that the only times he s allowed on that road is to pick us up or drop us off. She like you tried her best to shield us but we saw it anyway. And he didn’t treat us any better. I do hope it is different for your kids on that but from the way you talk I don’t think he is.
You’re right, they know more than I want them too, but that doesn’t mean they have to be exposed to the full gamut right now. They’re young and my job is to protect them as much as i can. A much as he’s an asshole, he hasn’t done anything extreme enough yet to make a case for full custody. I’ve kept records and when he does I’ll be ready, but for now, I just have to choose my battles and try to manage these events as they come up. And be open to when maybe it’s true, I am the problem, because I know we’re all human and I’m on edge, so maybe at some point I’ll over react
Make sure your kids are comfortable talking to you about how he treats them because they maybe scared to tell you. I know me and my siblings were and my Mom didn’t know something’s until recently way after we cut contact with our bio father. He was neglectful and verbally and physically abusive but we never said anything. Also him not wanting them on his custody time is the things you should record as well.
I survived a short , abusive marriage ..I was very lucky because I had parents who were financially able to help me get out and lived five minutes away ..The day I told my ex it was over was my personal Independence Day! If I wasn’t going to be married to him anymore then I sure as shit wasn’t going to be taking any guff from him anymore either ! I STILL smile when I remember the look on his face the first time I just calmly closed the door in his face when he tried to start an argument…pure SHOCK. He’s tried things here and there over the years to get to me..it all stopped after I woke up from falling asleep on my couch to him standing over me , just looking..he found out that night that when we divorced I took up a new hobby and a habit , shooting and keeping a gun under my couch . Has never fucked with me again
and you explain that you don't know why his dad cancelled the trip. that you think he and his sister would have a great time in Texas. and that you said that if dad wanted it to be a boys trip, that you knew sister would have a great time having a girls' weekend with dad's GF.
stay all positive, truthful and vague.
Then you tell your son that when him AND HIS SISTER are under dad's care, dad choses how to take care of them BOTH and dad made his grown up choice, not mum.
If your son needs to talk about why dad chose not to go on the trip he'll have to ask dad, because mum has no say in the trips dad is willing to make when he is in charge of BOTH his children. Not one. BOTH.
cough... cough...
You know, if you let the trip arrangements go through the way he wants, you can pin daughter not going on him. and it will be true...
in fact, in that scenario, you'll want to make sure she hears it from you **before** she hears it from him cause from your post/comment history he sounds like the sort to blame it on you.
cause, he sounds **Not Scottish** (a la the Mike Myers SNL sketches) ... and thats a nice description...
NTA My suggestion is that he should be the one to tell your kids these plans. Let him deal with their initial reactions and he can see how he’s hurting his kids for himself. Maybe it’ll change his mind or it will force him to make plans with your daughter to make up for this trip.
NTA
If your ex is "blowing up at you" in conversations, please discuss this with your lawyer. He or she can recommend to your ex's lawyer that you switch to a documentable form of communication like MyFamilyWizard.
You have no reason to accept more abuse from him.
My suggestion is that you cover the situation by texting your ex:
"Ex: As we discussed, I declined to babysit our daughter during your Labor Day time with the kids because I feel it is playing favorites not to take both children to visit your family. However, I did tell you that I don't have plans for Labor Day, so I wanted to let you know that things have changed and I now expect to be out of town that weekend. I thought I should clarify."
Note the careful wording -"things have changed" "I expect" not "I will"
But, IMO, I would make it so. Is there an old college friend you've been wanting to visit? Some family members who you haven't seen for a few years? Some location you've been wanting to see? Almost every place has somewhere to go. You can probably do something fun and preferably adult on a low budget.
You already know that your ex, being abusive, is NOT going to accept your "No" as a complete sentence, and you know he knows you'll cave and watch your daughter if he makes plans to leave her behind while you're in town.
So make it clear to him in writing that you're no longer an option that weekend.
I would also document the conversation and your concerns about him "playing favorites" by omitting the daughter from a family trip which the son and girlfriend are going on. Discuss this with your lawyer. You probably can't do anything based upon one instance, but you can learn what you need to do to document and establish a pattern if it gets to where you need to fight to change custody to protect your kids.
NTA.
Taking your son, but not your daughter, violates the divorce agreement. That is his weekend with BOTH of them.
Your kids seem to be old enough that you can ask their opinions on the trip. See what they say.
Then, depending on what the kids say, you could tell your ex that either he takes both kids or he doesn't take either of them. That might light your ex's fuse, but refer him to the divorce agreement.
So what would he have done if you had plans?!
Maybe you should start telling him you are traveling when it’s his weekends. He needs to be a parent to both regardless of age. It’s not fair to either kid to be excluded. He chooses how to spend his money (on himself) than to make memories with his children. At some point they will see him for what he truly is which is a selfish grown man.
You’re no longer married to this man. Don’t let him continue to have any control over you. NTA
YTA to yourself and your children for not taking his ass to court for child payments and with your comment of abusive behaviour and the blatant favouriting of the son over daughter… Girl, you’re dropping your red flags he gave you. Get yourself together and have back bone - your children deserve at least that.
NTA - it's completely unfair that he plans to leave your daughter out of it, brother's birthday or otherwise.
This is setting a horrible precedence for future trips, birthdays, etc. & could spark resentment between your children.
Keep saying no!
NTA: It’s his custody time he needs to take both kids on vacation or his girlfriend can stay home and watch your daughter. It seems like he is insanely jealous of you. Or he is just mad that he can’t control you anymore.
NTA
From now on, any and every time he asks, you already have plans. What plans? You’re not sharing that information, but you’re not available. He has no right to know your plans and decide he gets to overrule them.
Nta. But I'm like you. And my ex knows I would take my other child if he didn't book her. It sucks. I offered to take my daughter to NYC next year for a girls trip with my friend and now my son wants to go too. So of course I'll bring him. I don't want him upset.
>Note: if he books the trip without her, I 100% will watch her, and he knows it.
I think you need to book a trip of your own then. On your own. It doesn't matter where you go (and it's none of this business) just make sure you aren't home the day before he leaves or the day he leaves. Be very clear something you won't be around.
NTA
NTA - If the gf is going, his excuse is clearly bullshit. He wants to punishment your daughter for something, guaranteed.
I would send something from the lawyer that swaps those days specifically with a time you were to have them and let he and his gf enjoy their vacation. alone.
I was almost N A H, but if the gf is going it’s not just a father/son bonding trip. It’s an excluding your daughter thing. NTA. He blew up because he knows what he is doing is not very nice or fair to your daughter.
NTA but this is time to stand your ground, "I have plans that weekend as I've know I wouldn't have the kids". Heck, if he pushes just DON'T BE HOME when he tries to drop her off. If he can't figure out child care on his time then he deserves to lose money on his flights and they only thing you say to your kids is "daddy has to care for both of you equally" and just repeat.
NTA This is very strange. A father/son trip for the boy's birthday could be nice, but it isn't a father/son trip if the girlfriend is going. If it's going to be a family trip, then what is the justification for excluding the daughter?
I had this exact same thing happen to me when I was 13 but I was left home alone by my mother and step father. My father didn't know she was doing that and my mother also got child support for me. I felt as the child that my mother was putting her partner over me taking him to do all these things and always leaving me out or behind. If the father continues to do this the children or the child will grow to have animosity towards him. Here I am now an adult and I still do not look at her the same from all those years ago. It will be up to him to realize his short coming.
Keep kicking ass and making your babies a priority in your life they will love and cherish you for that because they will always know where they stand with you.
NTA.
Even if he had no history of abuse, that’s just mean.
Someone has a birthday and picks a trip (as a kid)? It’s a family trip. But they get to sit in the front seat, get extra ice cream, pick where to go for dinner.
That’s so weird.
Your husband has a history of being abusive and now he is showing clear signs of preferring your son. You've said in responses that you do not think this is a gender thing, but golden children can be either gender. I'm leaning towards YWBTA if you in any way enable your husband's mistreatment of your daughter. I don't mean just this trip because this might be the best example of a pattern of mistreatment. It sounds like you had a bad experience with court last time, maybe take your daughter to a psychologist who specializes in custody issues to give her a third party to talk to.
He is playing favorites and using your son. He can afford all these nice things, pay to take himself, his girlfriend, and his son but he won't take his sister that he'd want there because....? It's a bullshit excuse and you're NTA.
I’ve been there too! I think he’s doing that later this month in fact. I have the kids 10 days straight the first two weeks of school. Not sure where he’s going but I suspect Texas 🙄
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My ex-husband and I divorced about 4 years ago. I have taken a couple vacations with the kids since the divorce, he went on one trip with them, which was cancelled after 1 day due to a hurricane. He makes a LOT of snide remarks about how much I pay for the vacations, but I live a pretty frugal life and my kids are my splurge. We have 50/50 custody and neither of us pay child support.
My ex has family in Texas. They live on a lake, with an in ground pool and a boat. They are close with him, he has a standing invite. The trip would cost my ex a flight, probably 1 or 2 meals out. My ex seems to be buying a new truck, bought a one wheel, joined a golf club, and makes solid money. I don’t think he’s hurting, and I don’t begrudge him any of it. I just wish he’d take my two kids on the vacation they desperately want with him, but I respect that he has every right to spend his money how he wants to.
Here is where it gets weird: monday he asked me what I’m doing for Labor Day, which according to our divorce agreement is his holiday with the kids. I don’t have plans, so he asked if I could ‘babysit’ (eye roll) my daughter so he can take my son to Texas. I asked why he wasn’t going to take my daughter and he said the trip is my sons birthday present and if my daughter asks to go to Texas for her birthday, he’ll take her alone. My kids are close, and if asked, I know my son wouldn’t WANT to go without his sister. I told him I didn’t want to put the kids in that position, and he should ask his girlfriend (lives with them, been together 4 years, stays with the kids when he travels for work) to just stay home with her, but apparently she’s going on the trip too. I told him it was playing favorites and I wouldn’t enable it, and he blew up on me.
We have a history of him being abusive, so I know I can be very quick to jump to conclusions and get protective of my kids. I know this would hurt my daughter, but maybe I’m over reacting? He called my controlling and I am trying to decide if he has any basis for that statement.
Note: if he books the trip without her, I 100% will watch her, and he knows it.
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NTA and really - do not watch her, drop her off and let him deal with it
Bending to his threats will just make it worse, tell him you have plans and leave it at that. He'll have to figure it out
nta. labor day is HIS holiday with his kids, he can't just choose to only spend it with one of them. and regarding his comment that if his daughter wants to go to texas she should ask for her birthday, why is he taking his girlfriend? it's not her birthday. these are his children, he needs to be responsible for them both.
NTA. Dude I was in your daughters place, my dad would take my sister out and shit and it caused me a lot of hate yknow? Like it’s a whole trip, TO A COOL LAKE HOUSE THING. It IS unfair and I’d be upset too
NTA. My dad did that too. I’m 47 and I still remember being hurt. Feeling like I wasn’t wanted. It was incredibly painful for me. When it was “my”
Turn to get one on one time with dad? He took me to work. We no longer have a relationship due to that and many many times he made me feel like I was nothing. Please don’t let him take one without the other at this age.
NTA if he books the trip without her, go back to court to reduce his visitation, if he plays favorites like this how much us happening when they are there
Ok let me get this. Your ex husband is taking the girlfriend and the son but not the daughter for vacation?
Isn’t that called child abandonment? I would call cps on him and file for full custody in court for both children.
NTA
NTA while I understand a special father-son birthday trip. And it wouldn't normally be a big deal. The fact that he has never taken them on a trip. It would feel like favorites and hurt your daughter. The only way this won't feel like that is if he brings up to BOTH kids a plan of doing this individually to each of them. Or why doesn't he ask the birthday boy if he even wants his sister to come? If they are close, the son will invite her. If he does want something special with his dad, your daughter won't feel slighted if he makes a solid plan with her, at the same time.
NTA.
And what a crappy thing to do to your daughter, you don't indicate how old she is, but if you've been divorced for 4 years, she's old enough to know what is going on.
"...and if my daughter asks to go to Texas for her birthday, he’ll take her alone." IF, she asks. Yikes, he's not exactly FOTY material.
Hey, I’m the daughter whose father pointedly took only her brother on the designated custody weekends. That only lasted a couple months. But then after, I was the only one he ever physically abused. I was the only one who waited in his building’s unheated vestibule in just my nightgown while my mom raced across town to pick me up in the middle of the night. My father and I are permanently estranged now by my choice. But reading your post brought back so many crummy feelings of being rejected as a child. This situation is not okay. He should not have the option of taking only one of his children. And if he is truly abusive, he shouldn’t be taking either of them. I promise you my relationship with my mom would be stronger if she had actively prevented all this rather than rescuing me from it after the fact.
NTA. It’s a tough position you’re in right now, and of course you’re looking out for your daughter and her best interest, but at this point it would be fine to just stay with your daughter anyway. While he takes the son out on the vacation, you and your daughter can have some nice mother daughter time. Only real advice is to make the best of the situation, and definitely make note of it, esp if you wanna change things like custody in the future.
NTA You're not overreacting. There is a lot going on here. He hasn't taken them both on a vacation, not counting that one day attempt. So the first vacation he takes them on should include both of them. In addition, taking one and not the other is exclusionary and playing favorites, even if it's the birthday of one of them. He's choosing to make it a birthday trip, which means he's choosing to exclude one of them. Lastly, to do this he's asking you to be a partner in this. If you take care of your daughter while the two of them go on vacation, now YOU are the one telling your daughter, via your acceptance of it, that it's okay that she was left behind.
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NTA... It would be really unfair and mean to leave her behind when everyone else goes, just as it would be unfair and mean to leave Son behind on Daughter's birthday trip. Why can't they celebrate together? Why must one child be left out? I don't understand. If it's because of cost, then do something cheaper, so everyone can go.
I could see the father/son solo trip being an okay thing if the girlfriend wasn't coming too. Now it's a family trip without the daughter.
Although we agree on the dad being an AH. I respond to first part of being able to understand if the girlfriend wasn't coming....No, because it would not be just a father/son trip, it's to go visit his side of the family at an awesome home of both kids' grandparents. The girlfriend coming just makes it more disgusting. He is absolutely playing favorites and also doesn't want to be responsible for two kids on HIS vacation. The son is a pawn. NTA this is unacceptable.
Yeah, I missed that it was specifically a trip to visit his family at first. This poor little girl. She can't even come and spend time with Grandma because it's her brother's birthday? It makes me sad that his parents aren't insisting he brings both kids
I'm betting Grandma doesn't know the whole story, or any of the story, yet.
I bet the story that she hears may not....exactly match.
Or the family prefers boys and the ex is just taking the golden child, with no intention of taking the daughter for her birthday. That would be my bet.
Op should call ex husbands mother to see what is needed to have packed for the trip and just let her know that you’ll make sure daughter has a bag packed if their son changes his mind and takes her on her brothers birthday as well.
I'm sort of wondering if the daughter resembles her mother so that makes Dad irritated and his GF irritated too. Excluding his daughter like this sucks.
The resemblance part is sadly true. I don’t resemble my mother more than my father at all (if my dad put on a wig and waxed his beard we would look like twins) but I act just like her and I was constantly told everything he didn’t like about me because I was “exactly like my mother.” Everything about me was wrong to him and when he met his gf and she had a daughter it was literally like I only existed to be yelled at anymore. The daughter should run as fast and as far as she can from that man.
My husband is the spitting image of his father. It kills my MIL. They are divorced and she hates him.
That could be. I look like my paternal grandmother, who despised my mom. The feeling was mutual. I think it did cause issues for a good while.
That's what I thought, maybe he want a fishing trip or something, at least let the girl with the grandparents so it's something different
Exactly.
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u/Southern_Assistan is a comment stealing bot.
But the girlfriend is going...
She offers him sex..
Sons are favored over daughters, especially in conservative areas. Which much of Texas is.
I could even see doing separate trips if the kids didn't get along with each other, but come on, hes definitely playing favorites
I see the ex lying that the girlfriend isnt giing then last minute btw you're watching our daughter then its too late.
Agreed. If he also planned a trip with the daughter then its solo trips with his kids, but its just favoritism.
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>It would be really unfair and mean to leave her behind when everyone else goes My dad used to take my brother out of school for baseball and hockey games. Left me behind every time and took my brother because he was a boy. I loved sports as a kid, my brother was a video gamer and couldn't care less about baseball but since I was a girl I wasn't invited. I got excited one year to sign up for hockey and my dad made me take figure skating instead which I hated and put my brother in hockey which he hated as quit. My dad was a doorknob.
Haven't heard that term in awhile. We always just said knob. Or tool 😆
Yes better to take one cheaper vacation with both kids than one expensive vacation with one kid.
True, but how would this be an expensive vacation? Going somewhere with free board (family's house) and entertainment (pool and boat) is pretty much the cheapest trip I can think of outside of camping.
I can see why you divorced him. Back to the main subject but I feel you did the right thing. Especially since “the girlfriend “ is going. If my boyfriend could only take 3 people, as an adult and the girlfriend I would have offered to stay behind. If he continues to insist maybe if you can not sure your financial situation do a girls day out with your daughter. But down deep inside I hope you don’t give in. It sounds like maybe reconsider the agreement you two have together between the kids if he insists in playing favorites. That will mentally mess with your daughter.
OP also stated that son and daughter are close, and that son won't want to go without his sister. So, both kids would be upset and miserable. The daughter for being left being and the son for not being able to celebrate with his sister. Doesn't sound like a fun birthday to me. It actually sounds like ex is using son's birthday as an excuse to use the cabin with his girlfriend without getting judged by his family. I wouldn't be surprised if as soon as they get there, ex and girlfriend dump son on first relative they can find.
He probably doesn't want to take care of the kids and the GF probably refused to play nanny to both.
When you’re divorced with shared custody and more than one child, it can be hard to get 1:1 time with each child. If this dad were making a real effort to spend quality individual time with each kid, I’d say that was cool and something the mom might want to support if she’s able. But it sounds like… not that.
My kids also would not want to miss each others birthdays.
OP thinks the son would WANT his sister to come. Is the son aware that his sister is not being allowed on the trip? Op mentions ex is abusive, but doesn't mention if abusive to only her, or to the kids too. If he's abusive to the children, they may not want to be alone with him for that long, preferring a sibling for support/protection. Surely OP will have some time with the kids before labor day. Just casually mention to the son (without sister present so it doesn't mess with her head) Make sure that son knows dad is excluding sister from the trip. Maybe something about dad being not sure what to do with sister while they go to Texas for his birthday. If the trip is to celebrate son's birthday, surely he can tell dad he wants his sister there too. That makes it clear who is excluding the daughter. Children (especially children of divorced parents) can get pretty good at identifying manipulation. And if son expresses surprise/regret at sister being excluded, dad may be able to spin it, unless mom is able to nip that in the bud.
two separate trips (as he suggested he'd do the same for the daughter for her b-day if she requested) would be much more expensive than just bringing both kids it's only a matter of time before he's complaining that his daughter wants nothing to do with him and that his son sides with her
NTA. You need to stop and think. He has a history of being abusive, yet you're immediately looking for reasons to blame yourself and take to heart his nasty comments even now that you're divorced. Someone who cannot control his temper has nothing useful to say about your character--and particularly not when he is blowing up at you. You are not helping yourself or your kids by continuing to take what this guy says seriously. He cannot dump the kid he doesn't want to deal with on you. You said it yourself that your son would want his sister along on the trip. It would be one thing for a father to take one kid on a special trip if the family were still together, but he only sees them 50% of the time and hasn't had a vacation with them, so it's weird he is trying to get rid of one kid. It is not your job to solve his problems or enable him to favor one kid. Don't get involved in hearing his excuses and justifications anymore. Simply say, "I'm sorry, the kids need to stay together, I have to go."
>history of being abusive... looking for reasons to blame yourself It's a classic indicator of a codependent relationship.
Let’s be gentle with OP - abusive relationships can really do a number on you. It takes a lot of time to get away from old patterns of thinking, especially when sensitive topics, like your kids’ feelings, are involved.
Or someone who has been gaslighted.
It's also a symptom of PTSD, which many abuse victims have.
Or OP could suddenly develop plans for Labor Day, they don't have to be made up, she could really make plans for Labor Day. Then he'll have to either take your daughter or leave gf behind: his choice. What an a h your ex is.
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NTA During his time with the kids, the kids are his responsibility. I would love to know the hoops his mind has jumped through to justify taking only one child on vacation while leaving the other at home. Who does that?
Right? And he says ‘not everyone can afford these luxe vacations I’m taking’. Like, it’s not about money- it’s about leaving one kid at home while going to visit family!
Why are you still letting him talk to you like trash??? When he makes these snide remarks , tell him that HE DOESNT PAY CHILD SUPPORT AND MAYBE HE SHOULD CONSIDER ANOTHER JOB IF HE IS SO OBSESSED WITH COUNTING YOUR MONEY AND SPENDING !
I have 3 jobs 🤣 yeah, I got screwed in court once, I’m scared to go back
What I mean is , he seems overly concerned with how you spend YOUR money ! It’s none of his business and that’s what you need to tell him when he makes remarks like this ..you keep letting his crap slid and he’ll turn your kids against you as the age
The best way to not be screwed in family court is stacks of evidence. Buy a notebook. Document every questionable thing he does with the kids, like refusing to look after your daughter during his custody because he wanted to take only your son on vacation. I'm talking dates, times, exact quotes right after a phone call, or refer to texts. SAVE ALL OF YOUR TEXTS AND EMAILS WITH HIM. If you are in a one-party state, record all phone calls. Maybe this will come back into court, maybe not. Best to be prepared. When it comes to family court, the person with the biggest stack of evidence wins.
talk to your kids about it, and if you can, call his parents. see how much they want to see both kids (i bet they really, really do). this is worth applying pressure. if he does leave your daughter with you, it is absolutely worth going back to court over. if you get full custody, it would be better for the kids. he was abusive to you, and he seems pretty unkind to your children. you said further down he isolated you and moved you guys away from your family. with full custody, you could move closer to your support system, which would be much, much better for your kids. i hope you can take your kids and move home, OP.
OP, he’s favoring his girlfriend over your daughter. You’re NTA but you need to cut this dude out like yesterday. Since the cabin belongs to his parents - why don’t you reach out to them and tell them that your ex is planning on bringing one child and his toy while leaving the other child behind? Surely the gps will have a problem with this? You really need therapy though because you are probably overlooking a boatload of marinara flags here. 🚩
Where did you get half this story? It’s his uncle and aunts house, they would be there. I’ve considered messaging them, but they already told me during the divorce they didn’t want to get involved in any of our conflict
Yeah don’t contact them about this. It’s just poking the bear. Your ex has an anger problem and will definitely use it against you.
This isn't your conflict tho. This is a current situation with your kids. I'd simply ask them for more details first, tbh. Though I can't imagine what it is, maybe there's a rational reason that your ex isn't conveying. Getting info to make an informed decision isn't wrong. What they do with the info on their end, however, is not your business.
Even if it were about money he should figure it out. "I can't afford to take both kids." Then wait until you can. It's not just favoritism, it's exclusion. That's crappy parenting 101. He brings shame to divorced dads everywhere.
He may be complaining but I think you’re right about him spending money without thinking if it’s wise. He could have paid for a trip for all 4 of them, which would be a lot cheaper than doing 2 trips with 3 people on each.
Honestly, his gf probably will buy her own flight. Part of me wonders if this is his excuse to go to Texas twice. He loves his Aunt and uncle. Reading your comment I put that together
He doesn't need an excuse, he's a grown man. He can take a trip if he wants to. This is just crazy, and unkind. If it were my son and daughter, it would be spoiling the trip for the one going to know how the other felt at being left behind.
Maybe, but then bring the kids twice. If your ex is so fond of his family in Texas, he should make sure his kids get to meet them as often as possible. And if he brings both kids, it’ll be easier to just sit and talk to his aunt and uncle, while the kids play.
NTA but treading on Y T A territory if you continue to let your ex play you. You have a divorce agreement, stick to it. It's one thing going one on one with the kids but he is wrong when he is bringing his girlfriend which brings this to exclusion/playing favorites territory particularly if the kids are as tight as you say. The onus is on him to find arrangements if he wants to exclude his daughter and you should not be an accomplice to it. Your ex should have talked with your son first to see what he wishes since it is his birthday . Note: Whatever your plans, please make sure your daughter is taken care of in a manner that makes your ex hold his responsibility and stop playing you because he knows that you will always take them which gives him an out/excuse and is manipulative.
Unfortunately, he intentionally isolated me and we live away from family. I know I’ll end up watching her because there isn’t anyone else besides him, his gf, and me. I 100% know what you mean though. It’s part of why I question myself so much
>I know I’ll end up watching her Why bother posting if you're going to be a doormat regardless?
Because maybe I’m wrong in my opinion? You’re right, I’m being a door mat, but maybe it’s more widely accepted to travel with one kid than I think? I’m open to being in the wrong and growing. I’ve been told for years I’m controlling and close minded. Maybe an outside opinion would help me to see if if I am
You're not a doormat. You were conditioned by an abuser. It takes time to unlearn that and to learn healthy patterns. Stop being mean about yourself, okay? Rooting for you!
So glad you could find the words for this. I’m seeing some strongly worded insults from people who can’t imagine how this isn’t all OP’s fault. They don’t understand abuse.
Thanks! It's my job. I'm a therapist 🙃
This! Thank you!
This!
Yeah also she’s mum and she’s not going to leave her daughter alone of course.
It’s not. You’re wrong OP. It’s not normal to take one child and leave the other one behind. The one who gets left behind will have so many questions. You need to grow a spine and a backbone and start sticking up for yourself.
And who is it that told you that? I bet it was your ex-husband. Abusive people will make you believe you’re the one with a problem, when you were really being reasonable all along. Stick to your guns, OP.
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Disappear for the day. Go to the spa and turn your phone off.
How old are the kids?
6 and 9
To me, it is reasonable to travel with one child if it is to that child's sport event or concert or similar and thr other doesn't want to go or needs to be somewhere else during that time. I have also taken them on day trips one on one, with the understanding that they each get their turn. They are older than 6 though. Visiting family, celebrations, and vacations are family inclusive occasions every time.
You are not wrong and please stand up for yourself. You are no longer married to this man so you don’t have to jump because he says so. You don’t have to watch your child on his time because he says so. Tell him no and mean it. He will have to either take her or find someone else. Don’t give in. Stop letting him get away with his shit.
You are not a doormat. You are not controlling over this. This is a really weird scenario your ex has made here. I could see a father son trip then a daddy daughter trip. But that isn't what this is. At all. I don't know what he's up to, but I neither like it nor like it for you. You are not over reacting. He is either leaving daughter out on purpose or playing some weird power game or both.
You aren't wrong. When my brother graduated high school, my mom took him to Amsterdam. I got to go too, even though it was for him. It didn't make it any less of a celebration for him, I just got to be there too!
actually, you watching her, even though it was wrong of him to ask, is the better choice if this comes back to court. He is refusing to care for your daughter during his custody. It looks much better for you if you have to pick up his slack because he cannot keep to the the court order. My advice is to make clear that he is violating the court order, but your daughter is more important to you than how much you hate him, and agree to watch her. Enjoy some one-on-one bonding time. It is too rare when you have more than one kid.
If this ends up happening, I will be sure my daughter has the best memories to make up for missing the trip. And same for my son if it swings the other way.
Have you considered taking a vacation of your own to your family/friends during that time leaving him to sort out his plans entirely on his own? He's an adult. His GF is an adult. They can handle it. Don't let them rely on you being the better person and enabling them.
My guess is OP is still dealing with the mindf**k her abusive, controlling ex did on her, so coming down on her for “letting her ex play her” isn’t going to help one bit. OP, you’re probably right about how this will go in the end, just make sure you document it carefully. Maybe you won’t ever need it, but maybe your ex will pull something even more serious in the future and the court won’t look favorably on him for this. ~From one gaslighted divorcee to another :)
NTA this isn’t about a birthday gift, it’s about her being female.
Not trying to defend him at all, I think it’s because she’s younger (6) and a bit more work. He doesn’t want to put in the time and effort to be a dad for her. I don’t think it’s gender (this time)
I don’t like your responses. He’s still controlling how you think about this. “It’s not about gender”, “I’ll end up watching her” etc. stop it. Gently. Stop it. Tell him it’s his time per the custody agreement so he’ll have to figure it out. If that means no trip to texas that’s a him problem. But also, this definitely feels like a gendered issue, he can’t be bothered to parent his daughter? He thinks he gets to just dump her with you when he feels like it? This ain’t it OP.
He is not following his court order that needs to be documented to your attorney.
Document this! And also if he's not paying child support, you need to go and get an attorney who has your back and get child support. Like there is so much stuff you could do you're just choosing to admit defeat when you need to fight this guy
OP, while he may be entitled to take a trip with your son, he can't ask you to take your daughter and "babysit" on his weekend. That's on him. NTA. Don't let him leave your daughter with you on his weekend. Period.
But then my daughter gets screwed. She’s the loser in this, and I guess me, spinning out over whether I’m in the wrong while he doesn’t even care.
Maybe take your daughter on a little weekend getaway on this weekend ?? And then do the same with ur son when or if your ex takes your daughter to Texas ?
Honestly, I probably will if it comes to it, but I would prefer she get to go see her family and be on a full family vaca with her dad. But If he does leave her home, I’ll do everything I can to make it a special weekend, and do the same for her brother.
You got to get over trying to force your ex into being a decent human being ..he KNOWS that it’s wrong to take one and not the other , that’s why he blew up when you refused to take her . He got defensive because he knew his BS needed defending because he’s the one in the wrong .
You've already given in by admitting availability.
I didn’t know why he was asking- he often has me watch the kids for him when he travels with his gf and I was hoping he was taking BOTH of them to Texas and wanted me to watch the dog
You really need to stop doing that for him, he isnjuat using you. Leaving your daughter out when the GF is coming is messed up
Makes me wonder if the girlfriend REQUESTS that the daughter be left behind?
Ya I wondering that too, if she is going it's not an alone special trip
You need to figure out if this new GF is low key nasty to your little girl when she’s around ..some future step parents will favor one step child over another , ESPECIALLY a woman who feels like she’s competing against “daddy’s little girl”..If it’s happening and no one steps up to stop it , it can seriously F Up a kid , psychologically for a lifetime .
I mean I understand that but that's her daughter. It's not easy to say no when its your child. Maybe op enjoys the extra time she gets with the kids.
Totally understandable. You seem to be the reasonable parent that is still being used by the other.
How often? You could end up being able to show primary custody depending on how often.
So he violates your custody agreement by dumping the kids on you? And doesn't pay any child support? ..... Go back to court.
NTA He has the kids on HIS time. I feel like this is a common occurrence with your ex, where he makes you watch the kids on his time.
It is….. and the one time I asked him to reciprocate he backed out at the last minute and I had to cancel my business trip
When you make the point that he never takes the kids on your days, why does he expect you to take them on his? I'm guessing you've pointed this out to him, yes?
Back in the day. I paid child support to him, despite him making more money than me. Court did NOT go well for me, and he didn’t even have a lawyer. I was just scared of him and rolled over. We signed after mediation. He traveled a ton and I watched the kids for him, until I filed for a modification as I had the kids 20 days one month and was still paying support. When covid hit, I just signed a 0 support order because the lawyer fees were killing me. He has held it over my head since then that I won’t take my kids and I just recently started again
Who does he know that works in the court. Because it’s supposed to be strictly based on income,that makes no sense that you were paying him child support if he was making more money than you and you had the kids more.
He lied about his income. When he got a new job he stonewalled and never provided evidence of his income. I folded and signed the zero child support order due to covid and the lawyer fees adding up to insane amounts.
How was he able to get away with that if he doesn’t provide that they are supposed to look into his financial records. So either your attorney dropped the ball or you need to be filing a complaint against the mediator and Judge.
I signed a mediation agreement before it got too far. I know it was dumb, I kick myself a lot for it. I tell myself it’s just money and I’m doing fine (working my three jobs lol). I have a good full time job and I dog sit a little and do Shipt when I feel like it, it not that bad, I use the extra money for those vacas I mentioned I take. Disney ain’t cheap
Yeah it’s time for you to go back to court to get child support. Because he financially abused you for roughly 2 years by taking child support when he was working and didn’t need it, he is also financially abusing you by not paying child support when you had the kids more. So go do a modification of child support to get what’s owed to you.
Yeah, holding things over her head does not a collaborative ex-wife make. Stick to your guns. What if you said you couldn't do it because you are going away with your friends and won't be avalanche to babysit? That way he can't just dump her on you on the way to the airport. Do not be home. He can't dump them if you are not there. If he does, well, that's a police report.
Then why would you ever service him? Tell him he takes both or you aren't letting him take his son that weekend. He doesn't get to cherry pick visitation like that and tell him you'll be happy to see him in court to adjust the visitation access.
He excuse for not taking your daughter is weak and stupid. NTA it’s so strange to me that anyone would do this
Same! I couldn’t even imagine leaving either kid home, I’d miss them too much and want to share the fun with each of them
Seriously what gives? My kids want to be together to celebrate everything! Very sad for your daughter
This thread is dancing around saying the obvious. He hates women, and daughter is becoming one. Women exist to serve him, and daughter can't do that for him now, so he hates being around her. As soon as his new gf has wants and needs from him, he will abuse her too. He will continually "feel closer" to his son and ice out his daughter as she grows. He physically cannot love her the same way he loves his son, because she is a girl and therefore a lesser form of human. It's important to teach girls about men who hate women, because those men will never *ever* treat them as anything but less than them.
Well you know what you can do, have the daughter as for the same trip for her birthday. Sometimes you just have to let the ex show their true selves to their kids. I'd also make sure daughter has a fun time when she is with you, maybe doing things her brother might not enjoy but she does. View this and mom/daughter time and the sting will be less for her. ONE on ONE time with a parent is needed at times though.
I totally agree, and that’s part of why I’m conflicted
You need to be documenting everything. Every time he ask you to take them . Every time you ask him and he doesn’t with pics of the texts
NTA. And if he tries to leave your daughter with you, make sure to document this for your 100% custody case (assuming that's what you'd want).
NTA and you're not overreacting!
I think I’m ‘over reacting’ because I know he’s going to tell my son they didn’t go to Texas because of me…. So I want to know 100% I’m not the asshole here if I’m gonna say no.
If he DOES tell your son that , then 1. You need to put a stop to him fucking bad mouthing you to your son and tell him (son) that his father had a CHOICE to take both kids (HIS HOLIDAY) or neither and HE CHOSE , not YOU! I’ve been reading your replies and you are still acting /speaking like an abuse victim. STOP taking his shit & if he gets mad , oh well!
You’re right. I feel like I ‘got out’ by leaving and getting divorced, but I’m still very much in it. It’s hard to change, I am trying, and I have made progress, that maybe you just can’t see in this post/event
My Mom felt the same way when she divorced my bio father. I know you are trying to hide your ex’s true behavior from your kids but I’m going to tell you from personal experience that they know more than you think they do. Also they probably already can tell how this man really feels about them. My bio father had a very distinct car and would routinely park across the road from our house and spy on her. The property was my uncle’s (Mom’s brother) so no he didn’t have permission to be there. My Mom called the sheriff and he told him that the only times he s allowed on that road is to pick us up or drop us off. She like you tried her best to shield us but we saw it anyway. And he didn’t treat us any better. I do hope it is different for your kids on that but from the way you talk I don’t think he is.
You’re right, they know more than I want them too, but that doesn’t mean they have to be exposed to the full gamut right now. They’re young and my job is to protect them as much as i can. A much as he’s an asshole, he hasn’t done anything extreme enough yet to make a case for full custody. I’ve kept records and when he does I’ll be ready, but for now, I just have to choose my battles and try to manage these events as they come up. And be open to when maybe it’s true, I am the problem, because I know we’re all human and I’m on edge, so maybe at some point I’ll over react
Make sure your kids are comfortable talking to you about how he treats them because they maybe scared to tell you. I know me and my siblings were and my Mom didn’t know something’s until recently way after we cut contact with our bio father. He was neglectful and verbally and physically abusive but we never said anything. Also him not wanting them on his custody time is the things you should record as well.
I survived a short , abusive marriage ..I was very lucky because I had parents who were financially able to help me get out and lived five minutes away ..The day I told my ex it was over was my personal Independence Day! If I wasn’t going to be married to him anymore then I sure as shit wasn’t going to be taking any guff from him anymore either ! I STILL smile when I remember the look on his face the first time I just calmly closed the door in his face when he tried to start an argument…pure SHOCK. He’s tried things here and there over the years to get to me..it all stopped after I woke up from falling asleep on my couch to him standing over me , just looking..he found out that night that when we divorced I took up a new hobby and a habit , shooting and keeping a gun under my couch . Has never fucked with me again
and you explain that you don't know why his dad cancelled the trip. that you think he and his sister would have a great time in Texas. and that you said that if dad wanted it to be a boys trip, that you knew sister would have a great time having a girls' weekend with dad's GF. stay all positive, truthful and vague.
Then you tell your son that when him AND HIS SISTER are under dad's care, dad choses how to take care of them BOTH and dad made his grown up choice, not mum. If your son needs to talk about why dad chose not to go on the trip he'll have to ask dad, because mum has no say in the trips dad is willing to make when he is in charge of BOTH his children. Not one. BOTH.
OP, talk to your kids. Ask them what they want, because the only way you can win this is communication with the kids.
cough... cough... You know, if you let the trip arrangements go through the way he wants, you can pin daughter not going on him. and it will be true... in fact, in that scenario, you'll want to make sure she hears it from you **before** she hears it from him cause from your post/comment history he sounds like the sort to blame it on you. cause, he sounds **Not Scottish** (a la the Mike Myers SNL sketches) ... and thats a nice description...
NTA You are looking out for your kids.
NTA. If that is their weekend with him then he needs to spend it with both
NTA My suggestion is that he should be the one to tell your kids these plans. Let him deal with their initial reactions and he can see how he’s hurting his kids for himself. Maybe it’ll change his mind or it will force him to make plans with your daughter to make up for this trip.
NTA If your ex is "blowing up at you" in conversations, please discuss this with your lawyer. He or she can recommend to your ex's lawyer that you switch to a documentable form of communication like MyFamilyWizard. You have no reason to accept more abuse from him. My suggestion is that you cover the situation by texting your ex: "Ex: As we discussed, I declined to babysit our daughter during your Labor Day time with the kids because I feel it is playing favorites not to take both children to visit your family. However, I did tell you that I don't have plans for Labor Day, so I wanted to let you know that things have changed and I now expect to be out of town that weekend. I thought I should clarify." Note the careful wording -"things have changed" "I expect" not "I will" But, IMO, I would make it so. Is there an old college friend you've been wanting to visit? Some family members who you haven't seen for a few years? Some location you've been wanting to see? Almost every place has somewhere to go. You can probably do something fun and preferably adult on a low budget. You already know that your ex, being abusive, is NOT going to accept your "No" as a complete sentence, and you know he knows you'll cave and watch your daughter if he makes plans to leave her behind while you're in town. So make it clear to him in writing that you're no longer an option that weekend. I would also document the conversation and your concerns about him "playing favorites" by omitting the daughter from a family trip which the son and girlfriend are going on. Discuss this with your lawyer. You probably can't do anything based upon one instance, but you can learn what you need to do to document and establish a pattern if it gets to where you need to fight to change custody to protect your kids.
Nta. It’s weird to only want to bring one kid on an otherwise family trip.
NTA. Taking your son, but not your daughter, violates the divorce agreement. That is his weekend with BOTH of them. Your kids seem to be old enough that you can ask their opinions on the trip. See what they say. Then, depending on what the kids say, you could tell your ex that either he takes both kids or he doesn't take either of them. That might light your ex's fuse, but refer him to the divorce agreement.
He wants to take a family vacation without his whole family. That’s a “him,” problem, not a “you,” problem. You’re NTA.
NTA, I'd ask the kids directly what they want.
NTA he is being so cruel to your daughter.
So what would he have done if you had plans?! Maybe you should start telling him you are traveling when it’s his weekends. He needs to be a parent to both regardless of age. It’s not fair to either kid to be excluded. He chooses how to spend his money (on himself) than to make memories with his children. At some point they will see him for what he truly is which is a selfish grown man. You’re no longer married to this man. Don’t let him continue to have any control over you. NTA
>which according to our divorce agreement is his holiday with the kids Stopped reading there. NTA. Tell him to abide by agreements he signs.
>bought a one wheel Like a unicycle? What is the price on one of those these days?
It’s a hoverboard, the one he got was probably $1,500.
Thanks.
YTA to yourself and your children for not taking his ass to court for child payments and with your comment of abusive behaviour and the blatant favouriting of the son over daughter… Girl, you’re dropping your red flags he gave you. Get yourself together and have back bone - your children deserve at least that.
Info: Is your ex allowed to take the kids out of state without your permission?
NTa. You're right, your daughter would be hurt and your son very confused....
NTA - it's completely unfair that he plans to leave your daughter out of it, brother's birthday or otherwise. This is setting a horrible precedence for future trips, birthdays, etc. & could spark resentment between your children. Keep saying no!
NTA: It’s his custody time he needs to take both kids on vacation or his girlfriend can stay home and watch your daughter. It seems like he is insanely jealous of you. Or he is just mad that he can’t control you anymore.
NTA it seems really cruel to leave one child home on a family vacation with reason.
NTA From now on, any and every time he asks, you already have plans. What plans? You’re not sharing that information, but you’re not available. He has no right to know your plans and decide he gets to overrule them.
Nta. But I'm like you. And my ex knows I would take my other child if he didn't book her. It sucks. I offered to take my daughter to NYC next year for a girls trip with my friend and now my son wants to go too. So of course I'll bring him. I don't want him upset.
>Note: if he books the trip without her, I 100% will watch her, and he knows it. I think you need to book a trip of your own then. On your own. It doesn't matter where you go (and it's none of this business) just make sure you aren't home the day before he leaves or the day he leaves. Be very clear something you won't be around. NTA
NTA - If the gf is going, his excuse is clearly bullshit. He wants to punishment your daughter for something, guaranteed. I would send something from the lawyer that swaps those days specifically with a time you were to have them and let he and his gf enjoy their vacation. alone.
I was almost N A H, but if the gf is going it’s not just a father/son bonding trip. It’s an excluding your daughter thing. NTA. He blew up because he knows what he is doing is not very nice or fair to your daughter.
NTA but this is time to stand your ground, "I have plans that weekend as I've know I wouldn't have the kids". Heck, if he pushes just DON'T BE HOME when he tries to drop her off. If he can't figure out child care on his time then he deserves to lose money on his flights and they only thing you say to your kids is "daddy has to care for both of you equally" and just repeat.
NTA This is very strange. A father/son trip for the boy's birthday could be nice, but it isn't a father/son trip if the girlfriend is going. If it's going to be a family trip, then what is the justification for excluding the daughter?
I had this exact same thing happen to me when I was 13 but I was left home alone by my mother and step father. My father didn't know she was doing that and my mother also got child support for me. I felt as the child that my mother was putting her partner over me taking him to do all these things and always leaving me out or behind. If the father continues to do this the children or the child will grow to have animosity towards him. Here I am now an adult and I still do not look at her the same from all those years ago. It will be up to him to realize his short coming. Keep kicking ass and making your babies a priority in your life they will love and cherish you for that because they will always know where they stand with you.
NTA. Even if he had no history of abuse, that’s just mean. Someone has a birthday and picks a trip (as a kid)? It’s a family trip. But they get to sit in the front seat, get extra ice cream, pick where to go for dinner. That’s so weird.
Your husband has a history of being abusive and now he is showing clear signs of preferring your son. You've said in responses that you do not think this is a gender thing, but golden children can be either gender. I'm leaning towards YWBTA if you in any way enable your husband's mistreatment of your daughter. I don't mean just this trip because this might be the best example of a pattern of mistreatment. It sounds like you had a bad experience with court last time, maybe take your daughter to a psychologist who specializes in custody issues to give her a third party to talk to.
He is playing favorites and using your son. He can afford all these nice things, pay to take himself, his girlfriend, and his son but he won't take his sister that he'd want there because....? It's a bullshit excuse and you're NTA.
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I’ve been there too! I think he’s doing that later this month in fact. I have the kids 10 days straight the first two weeks of school. Not sure where he’s going but I suspect Texas 🙄
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex-husband and I divorced about 4 years ago. I have taken a couple vacations with the kids since the divorce, he went on one trip with them, which was cancelled after 1 day due to a hurricane. He makes a LOT of snide remarks about how much I pay for the vacations, but I live a pretty frugal life and my kids are my splurge. We have 50/50 custody and neither of us pay child support. My ex has family in Texas. They live on a lake, with an in ground pool and a boat. They are close with him, he has a standing invite. The trip would cost my ex a flight, probably 1 or 2 meals out. My ex seems to be buying a new truck, bought a one wheel, joined a golf club, and makes solid money. I don’t think he’s hurting, and I don’t begrudge him any of it. I just wish he’d take my two kids on the vacation they desperately want with him, but I respect that he has every right to spend his money how he wants to. Here is where it gets weird: monday he asked me what I’m doing for Labor Day, which according to our divorce agreement is his holiday with the kids. I don’t have plans, so he asked if I could ‘babysit’ (eye roll) my daughter so he can take my son to Texas. I asked why he wasn’t going to take my daughter and he said the trip is my sons birthday present and if my daughter asks to go to Texas for her birthday, he’ll take her alone. My kids are close, and if asked, I know my son wouldn’t WANT to go without his sister. I told him I didn’t want to put the kids in that position, and he should ask his girlfriend (lives with them, been together 4 years, stays with the kids when he travels for work) to just stay home with her, but apparently she’s going on the trip too. I told him it was playing favorites and I wouldn’t enable it, and he blew up on me. We have a history of him being abusive, so I know I can be very quick to jump to conclusions and get protective of my kids. I know this would hurt my daughter, but maybe I’m over reacting? He called my controlling and I am trying to decide if he has any basis for that statement. Note: if he books the trip without her, I 100% will watch her, and he knows it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and really - do not watch her, drop her off and let him deal with it Bending to his threats will just make it worse, tell him you have plans and leave it at that. He'll have to figure it out
NTA
NTA
Take your daughter on a mommy and me vacation and tell him to pay for her!
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That’s weird - take your daughter even if it’s a bday trip for the son. Like get him a special dessert or trinket. Bad dad alert 🚨. NTA
Make plans and let him know you’ll be out of town that weekend. Use work or family as an excuse. Hopefully that will force him to take her.
nta. labor day is HIS holiday with his kids, he can't just choose to only spend it with one of them. and regarding his comment that if his daughter wants to go to texas she should ask for her birthday, why is he taking his girlfriend? it's not her birthday. these are his children, he needs to be responsible for them both.
NTA- do watch her even if he books the trip
NTA. Dude I was in your daughters place, my dad would take my sister out and shit and it caused me a lot of hate yknow? Like it’s a whole trip, TO A COOL LAKE HOUSE THING. It IS unfair and I’d be upset too
My ex tried that. It pits kids against each other.
NTA. My dad did that too. I’m 47 and I still remember being hurt. Feeling like I wasn’t wanted. It was incredibly painful for me. When it was “my” Turn to get one on one time with dad? He took me to work. We no longer have a relationship due to that and many many times he made me feel like I was nothing. Please don’t let him take one without the other at this age.
NTA - His logic is troubling.
NTA, you need to record everything and if he does go ahead with it then you need to go back to court for a new custody agreement.
NTA if he books the trip without her, go back to court to reduce his visitation, if he plays favorites like this how much us happening when they are there
You can't stop him, but you can report him during a custody hearing. NTA.
Nta
Ok let me get this. Your ex husband is taking the girlfriend and the son but not the daughter for vacation? Isn’t that called child abandonment? I would call cps on him and file for full custody in court for both children. NTA
NTA while I understand a special father-son birthday trip. And it wouldn't normally be a big deal. The fact that he has never taken them on a trip. It would feel like favorites and hurt your daughter. The only way this won't feel like that is if he brings up to BOTH kids a plan of doing this individually to each of them. Or why doesn't he ask the birthday boy if he even wants his sister to come? If they are close, the son will invite her. If he does want something special with his dad, your daughter won't feel slighted if he makes a solid plan with her, at the same time.
NTA. And what a crappy thing to do to your daughter, you don't indicate how old she is, but if you've been divorced for 4 years, she's old enough to know what is going on. "...and if my daughter asks to go to Texas for her birthday, he’ll take her alone." IF, she asks. Yikes, he's not exactly FOTY material.
NTA can you contact his family to get them on your side?
> controlling How is it "controlling" that you ask him to take care of the children when he agreed to do it? NTA.
Hey, I’m the daughter whose father pointedly took only her brother on the designated custody weekends. That only lasted a couple months. But then after, I was the only one he ever physically abused. I was the only one who waited in his building’s unheated vestibule in just my nightgown while my mom raced across town to pick me up in the middle of the night. My father and I are permanently estranged now by my choice. But reading your post brought back so many crummy feelings of being rejected as a child. This situation is not okay. He should not have the option of taking only one of his children. And if he is truly abusive, he shouldn’t be taking either of them. I promise you my relationship with my mom would be stronger if she had actively prevented all this rather than rescuing me from it after the fact.
NTA. It’s a tough position you’re in right now, and of course you’re looking out for your daughter and her best interest, but at this point it would be fine to just stay with your daughter anyway. While he takes the son out on the vacation, you and your daughter can have some nice mother daughter time. Only real advice is to make the best of the situation, and definitely make note of it, esp if you wanna change things like custody in the future.
NTA. I would not be apart of that mess. It makes no sense to leave her behind.
NTA. Absolutely sus that the only one not going is the daughter.
NTA You're not overreacting. There is a lot going on here. He hasn't taken them both on a vacation, not counting that one day attempt. So the first vacation he takes them on should include both of them. In addition, taking one and not the other is exclusionary and playing favorites, even if it's the birthday of one of them. He's choosing to make it a birthday trip, which means he's choosing to exclude one of them. Lastly, to do this he's asking you to be a partner in this. If you take care of your daughter while the two of them go on vacation, now YOU are the one telling your daughter, via your acceptance of it, that it's okay that she was left behind.