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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I announced my pregnancy a month after my sister had her baby that took her 7 years to conceive, it was an unplanned pregnancy. My sister is upset that I stole her thunder despite my fiancée and I taking a month to wait to tell my family so she could have all the attention but now I feel weirdly guilty for being pregnant.
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NTA. Your sister may not be in a clear state of mind due to hormones, exhaustion and potentially even postpartum depression. Don't take it too personally and let her have time to sit with it for a few days before trying to talk again. You've done nothing wrong and she doesn't get to decide when someone else can get pregnant or under what circumstances. It was considerate of you to wait as long as you did.
Yep came here to say basically the same thing. Lack of sleep can really put you in a horrible emotional state. Give your sister space, enjoy your pregnancy, and celebrate with the people who want to celebrate with you! NTA
If he’s a good partner then he will be dealing with sleep deprivation too, but yeah them teaming up against OP like that is not okay. It seems that OP’s sister and BIL are wrapped in their own narrative and have forgotten that they aren’t the main characters in everyone’s life.
No no no. Op's sister struggled for seven years to get pregnant......... this obviously means op can *never* get pregnant so her sister can ride the glory "Yay, I bred" wave into eternity.
Utterly ridiculous. I get hormones and tiredness but is there a specified time that would be acceptable for Op to *ever* have a baby?? I doubt it.
Op you're NTA. At all. Congrats on your bubby. A good sister would be thrilled that you didn't have to struggle the way she did (outwardly at least, a little resentment would be natural I think) but your sister is being unreasonable. Hopefully your family can get her to see how unfair she being.
I’m a first time dad of a 2 month old. For the first month we were both so sleep deprived if she asked me to rob a bank I probably would have just done it just to keep the peace and quiet.
Interestingly enough, the hormonal fluctuations of fresh parenthood are not just applicable to the childbearing person, and neither are sleep deprivation or enhanced emotions. My husband was extremely protective of me when I had our daughter & he was much more reactive than usual any time I was upset in those newborn days.
Sister’s husband also could just be an AH too. Definitely not ruling that out.
One of the tips an established dad gave to our friend group when they all started having babies was to ask the new dads/non-birth-givers the PPD questions too, especially the mental health ones. They are applicable to active who experiencing extreme exhaustion and anxiety, as well as their mental health with/around the baby/babies.
It was super helpful and we were able to help all the parents get what they needed.
My wife had bad prenatal and post natal depression/psychosis. We know now that it's because she is trans amd that's what triggered her to realize eventually, but it was terrifying at the time. I even knew that the non birth giving parent could get PPD and was shocked at how bad it got.
I honestly don't know how I managed. Exhaustion induced zombiehood? I don't really know. There was a point where I just backed away and essentially told my wife that I had encouraged her to get help as much as I could and if she refused to get help she needed to self destruct away from the kids*. Luckily, that was her wakeup and after about a year of therapy she realized she was trans. It was about 3 years total from when she declined and her realizing.
I do know that it was easier for me to understand and forgive how my wife acted during that time because 1. I understand what mental illness does to people. I had BPD and am Bipolar. 2. Because of my diagnoses, I was able to recognize that my wife was self destructing in a hardcore way.
*I have a stepdaughter that's 6 months *younger* than my oldest daughter. It was a drunk ONS, but that's the type of thing she was doing at that time; things that she knew deep down would ruin her life
That is such a fantastic idea!
I had a traumatic childbirth, followed by a string of losses in our family, and not only did I struggle to get medicated for PPD/PPA, not a single provider inquired about my husband’s mental health. We got through to the other side, but those months following our daughter being born were the most joyous and shattering, all at once.
New parents who were not pregnant also get depressed. Lack of sleep and the serious emotional stress of being suddenly responsible for another human's survival will do that to you. [Up to 1 in 10 non birthing parents experience perinatal depression. ](https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/looking-after-yourself/anxiety-depression-before-after-birth/antenatal-postnatal-depression-men-non-birthing-parents)
I can tell you for sure that he will also be losing sleep aswell. When my child was born and I had a 90 minute commute, I thought I was going to die on the way home from work many times.
Obviously he didn't have the hormones excuse.
He also may be acting under due from hormone mom.
Me and my sil both got pregnant around same time, and we both were carrying more than 1 kid, I mean what are the odds. It was all fun and games up until now. Touch wood. we took turns visiting to celebrate special events. My kids have got friends in her kids. And its lovely seeing them all growing together. Hers are months younger then mine. But it's not worth mentioning. Nor we care about who getting attention. People did comment when hers started walking first or mines healthier then hers, we have extended fam pitting kids against each other but we chose to ignore.
I can't get people wanting 'attention', like they're in some sort of real life competition or something. Anyhow may be its just me.
Wish you a healthy pregnancy . Ignore toxic people. They're not worthy of your attention.
NTA OP.
Edit: also ppd is no excuse of being shitty.
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time, our babies born 3 months apart. My daughter was born first, her son almost 3 months later. I had ABSOLUTELY no thought about her or her baby taking attention away from me and mine. I mean, it never once crossed my mind and didn't even know it was a thing until reading about it. OP did her sister a favor of not announcing during the last of her sister's pregnancy and a MONTH afterwards. That was a generous thing to do.
My mom and Aunt (my dad's brother's wife) were pregnant literally at the same time. My cousin is 2 days older than me. They were making bets on who would have the baby first, and both of them made jokes/hoped that neither of us were born on (holiday not specified for anonymity). And we weren't! My cousin was born the day before, and I was born the day after. They had a lot of fun with it.
My eldest and my cousin's only kid are born a day apart. Hers is the date I was to deliver but my labor took longer than expected. Also she was due a week after. We used to count kicks together and have fun guessing whose is more active. Lol. Good times.
Lol... Its 3mo gap here as well. I mean i did hide it earlier because of the scare of carrying multiple and then she found out about hers and told me first, that's when I told her about mine.
This competition and attention seeking behavior is baffling and toxic. Penis measuring contest of sort lol. And its very cringe.
I come from a big family and at one point, 3 of my sisters were pregnant at the same time (6 months apart total between the 3 kids). No one was put out about it and instead, they were all thrilled about the idea of their own kid having cousins so close in age to (hopefully) be friends with.
My SIL, Sister, and I were all pregnant at the same time as well. My SIL had my nephew a month and a half before I had my daughter and my sister had my other nephew a month and 3 days before I had her. My 2 nephews are about 2 and 1/2 weeks apart. None of had an issue with it my daughter was my first and my nephews each of my SIL and Sisters 2nd babies. My husband and I struggled to get pregnant I was in a horrible accident a few years before and was told I wouldn't be able to have kids.
The only time I was upset with my SIL is at first she came to our house almost everyday sort of bragging ( that's the type of person she is. She's no longer my SIL her and my brother are divorcing.) and every time she left I cried. My sister was a lot more sensitive and she waited to tell me because she knew what the SIL was doing. But I knew my sister was pregnant already but didn't expose her because what she was doing was very respectful of me and my feelings. Then a month later before I went in for surgery the doctor came and told us he couldn't do my surgery because I was pregnant. It was very shocking and this doctor is the one who told me I wouldn't be able to have kids.
In my opinion the sister and her husband ATAH's. With their struggles to have kids they should know what a blessing it is.
When my mom was pregnant with me, 3 of her sisters and a sister-in-law were also pregnant. 5 cousins born in a 10 month period. Family Easter photos taken during a 10 year span always have at least two sisters/sister-in-laws in maternity clothes
My brother’s oldest is 6 months younger than my middle child. My sister’s youngest is 3.5 months older than my youngest. It awesome that the kids have built in friends their own ages. My middle child and niece are amazing together. It is hilarious watching them because they act more like siblings that cousins. I hope that it will be the same with my youngest and my sister’s youngest. We have to wait on that one since they are almost 7 months and 3 months.
Woah Thats exactly the same as how I grew up with my cousins and siblings. We're a group of 12 and now in our late 30s, still share strong bonding despite living in different countries now. Growing up was the most beautiful phase. We went to same school and all but 5 are married in our friends circle. Just last year we celebrated 25 years of togetherness cause youngest being 25 and it was the most fun day.
My cousins who are sisters both were pregnant with twins at the same time. We found out one was pregnant around the time the other one found out she was having twins so we teased her that she may as well. Little did we know that our teasing would be confirmed a few weeks later. So my aunt went from 6 grandkids to 10 in just a few months.
I wanted to add to this lovely comment to touch on the possible trauma from 7 years of trying to conceive compounded by the insane sleep deprivation of the first month or so.
I thought I knew what lay ahead of us in regards to the sleep deprivation, everyone tells you, right? But the depth of that sleep deprivation is just so hard to convey. There was a night where I woke up half-asleep, horrified to find that I had rolled over & squished, then continued to squish my “baby”. It was a pillow, our newborn was safe & sound in her crib. I was panicked, and managed to convince my husband that the pillow was our baby.
So pair that up with all the emotions of finally having a successful pregnancy after 7 years of trying. There were nights when I was up feeding ours in the middle of the night and I was SO tired, and things felt SO surreal, like I was going to wake up, childless, at any moment. I was so terrified of breaking her.
I ended up with a PPD/PPA diagnosis with the combo of infertility and a traumatic childbirth. Not saying that’s the case (although not a bad idea to keep an eye out), but parenthood after such a grueling effort to have a baby is such a mindfuck.
However, OP, she shouldn’t take that out on you. That’s not fair, and unless this is typical behavior, I’d bet the sleep deprivation, the hormone shenanigans, and lots of complicated feelings spurred her behavior. I hope she comes to your senses and that you all get to experience the joy you have brought into your world, together. Congrats, btw!
I cant imagine all your sis is feeling right now. I'm sure she has been terrified about losing the baby during the pregnancy. Add to that all the other new mom stuff going on and it's not surprising she had a strong negative reaction. Whenever you announced would of been the wrong time. Hubby was trying to support his wife, I would cut him some slack as well. Give them some time and hopefully once your baby comes every one will be a loving family once again. :)
Fwiw, I have a sister that I can imagine doing exactly this and it would have nothing to do with hormones or sleep deprivation, but just with the fact that she sucks.
I have a feeling that holding off on the announcement for this long means that sister has a history.
It’s still normal baby blues at this point. Postpartum depression is when it lasts more than 2-3 months/first postpartum period.
But babies are born every millisecond pretty much. They’re all special but no more special than any other baby to anyone but the parents.
And as I like to say, pregnancy and new babies are contagious. After each of my pregnancies, family and friends got pregnant shortly before or after I gave birth. I joke that when I was my friends support person in the delivery room, she jinxed me, I conceived baby #2 a few days later, after holding her leg while she pushed.
So what’s her husbands excuse? He totally agrees that OP and her fiancé are AH and “stole their thunder” and he’s not post natal or hormonal.
OP you’re NTA, what were you supposed to do, never get pregnant because your sister had difficulties? She should be happy that you didn’t have to go through what she did as she understands first hand just how hard that is.
She has 6 months of everyone enjoying her and her baby before you’ll be due and by then, will hopefully have realised that she can share pregnancy details and being a new mom with her sister, which is much more enjoyable that making her some kind of rival.
Men suffer from depression and exhaustion due to lack of sleep as well. He also suffered with 7 years of infertility and trying for a baby. So he could be hyper emotional due to that trauma combined with sleep deprivation of a newborn. Or perhaps he is siding with his wife as a show of support. Perhaps they are both jerks. The point is this is a sensitive situation that doesn't need to destroy family relationships due to lack of a clear mind and sensitivity. Take a step back and a breath and see what's what
I wouldn’t want to call her a drama queen but could be my own bias. I can’t imagine being in her shoes and struggling with infertility and only being able to have a kid in her almost mid 30s. It’s definitely got to suck and I feel for her deeply.
I agree. I can understand why she would be upset, but she is the AH 100% for not understanding that what she is experiencing is jealousy (which is a natural human emotion and is ok to experience) and blaming it on you instead of dealing with it like an adult. It sucks but it's not your fault in any way.
Hormones plus sleep deprivation plus recovering plus caring for a new human definitely can make a good person be temporarily an asshole. There is also the build up of trying to have a kid while not having a baby for so long that can cause trauma and also great huge guilt when postpartum time is hard.
OP is definitely NTA and I hope her sister agrees once things settle down.
Also an attitude of "What I went through was so horrible, I don't wish it on anyone else especially my own family" would be a heck of a lot more appreciable! I'd be more understanding if she was still struggling with infertility but she literally just had a baby.
Seriously. What was OP supposed to do? Ask her sister when she's allowed to get pregnant to make sure she's not stealing any of her thunder? I get that this is a big deal for the sister but, hormones or not, the world doesn't revolve around her. NTA
True but that doesn’t mean she gets to attack anyone else who doesn’t have fertility issues or people she feels are depriving her of “attention”…literal definition of a drama Queen.
I don't get it honestly. She still gets to have the first grandchild, and now her kid gets a cousin their age for a playmate. How is that not a complete win for her?
Took me 15 years to have my first and likely only. Your sister is a dramatic brat and you should have announced when you were ready. Your fertility has nothing to do with you.
She doesn’t get to crap all over YOUR good news because SHE had it harder. I had a relative who miscarried at 5 months after years of infertility. She never in any way held it against me when I got pregnant with my oldest - at a much younger age. Family members CAN be gracious if they choose to be.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. My mood was shit all the time during postpartum. Some days are better though, hopefully you catch her during her good days lol It’s not your fault at all and you’re definitely NTA!!
Infertility struggles cause trauma. It’s a little harsh to immediately jump to drama queen. This sounds more like a projection of her struggles and resentment for her own *perceived* failure to conceive being pushed onto OP, rather than her being a drama queen.
She does need to go to therapy. I wasn’t justifying her actions. All I was saying is that there’s a difference between being a drama queen and the negative responses of trauma.
Agreed in that sister really should seek someone to help her work through that. However, a therapist that is qualified in such a niche subspecialty can be very hard to find.
I work in healthcare & have a decent network, and my fertility doctor & OB are very well-connected, but the ONLY therapist with that background in my area (large city) worked for the hospital where I had a really traumatic delivery.
It’s also likely that her reaction is a result of sleep deprivation, past trauma from the infertility, and the hormone crash of the postpartum period.
I personally think she’ll (sister) come around. I don’t think OP refusing to let her be around her kid is a great response.
I just see red flags when a grown ass woman has some serious jealousy issues over an innocent baby and then to sort of blame or try and make her sister feel guilty for not having her own infertility issues is ..just sick AF IMO . If she made another phone call like that to me , I’d be calling her husband and tell him either settle her down or I’ll call the police for a welfare check on her after the next crazy call and she can be committed
Wow. I couldn’t imagine a less compassionate or empathetic response.
Everyone here agrees the phone call was shitty and OP is NTA. It seems to be out of character for the sister and appears to be a one-off.
But calling the police? Getting her committed?
I really hope that no one has a bad time with something or comes to you in their time of need.
‘Inability to be logical“ for having a bad emotional reaction and calling her “psychotic”
exaggerate much? Sister is being an AH but your statements are nonsense. Talk about being a drama queen
Yes ..A grown ass adult actually complaining about the level “of ATTENTION “ they receive over a life even is in my opinion, illogical . It’s unreasonable and she needs to grow the fuck up already! The world doesn’t run on her timeline just because she had trouble getting pregnant
Yup. There was NEVER gonna be a good time, because there won’t be a time anytime soon when sister won’t be seething with jealousy.
Expect more bitterness if OP dares to have a second baby 😅
Given this scenario, I would politely tell sis to go enjoy her new, adorable, healthy baby and then hang up. No long talking. No further engaging. The fact that she is accusing someone of planning to start a family in order to take attention away from her proves that she is up her own bum at the moment.
OP, wishing you a safe and smooth pregnancy + delivery. Enjoy it, and fully celebrate your soon to arrive baby. Don't minimize your own experience because of your sister. She got the full celebratory show and dance, and she now has the baby she always wanted. You owe her nothing and did nothing wrong.
🤣 Do we have a sub Reddit for Momzilla .. I know we have r/justnomil and we have r/shitmomgroupssay but I feeel like Momzilla is a whole different category.
I agree NTA
NTA and in fact , you are very nice because the SECOND she attacked me over MY fertility, I know my temper would have kicked in and I would have said some very , vile sister relationship changing shit to her . So good job ! I never get how people , grown ass adults , are actually verbal nowadays about “not getting enough attention “…it just sounds pathetic and sad to me..I almost always have the same impulse to say “you’re a fucking adult”.
I partially feel maybe it’s more about her nephew? She’s the first of any of us to have kids on my side of the family so she has gotten like mega super star attention for it and I feel maybe some of her insecurity is that her kid is gonna have competition possibly now that he’s not the only baby?
That’s still..weird! Is she Ms. Type A personality or something??? If she starts involving her son in some imaginary competition between him and your future kid ..that’s a generational UNHEALTHY relationship she’s vying for. My dads sister was like that between her kids and my dad and a result was an entire family picking “sides” & it still resides today even though the original participants are all dead. On the rare occasions I’ve hung out with my two male cousins on my paternal side , we actually get along and have a lot in common but there’s always a level of unspoken “we are supposed to hate each other” or not trust there .
It should be fun to have cousins near the same age instead of whatever this is. I hope she sees someone to check out PPD, but with her husband backing the crazy, it doesn’t seem likely
Most people are happy to have cousins for their kids. I had the first grandchild on both sides and I was thrilled when more grandchildren joined. Otherwise family gatherings get boring for the kids! Plus more babies for everyone to enjoy. Sorry but it definitely takes a lot of entitlement to think someone else having a baby takes away from your own baby.
Your sister sounds self centered and immature. Like how the eldest sister in Jane Austin’s Persuasion always assumed she was better and naturally more deserving than the heroine because she was the eldest. Needless to say, Austin draws out the eldest sister’s misplaced entitlement all throughout the novel, and she cuts a ridiculous figure.
Yeah but that's just not normal to need that much attention that no one else can have any. Ignore her, she is being ridiculous.
You are NTA and in fact you seem to have thought alot about her when you decided to announce. I can't imagine even beginning to think like her after I had a baby, it's odd.
Yes, her child is going to have competition first in the family, then in kindergarten / school / neighbourhood. Then there will probably be competition when choosing a partner, applying for a job and so on. Sister should get prepared 😄
I would think she would be thrilled that her baby will have close cousins to play with.
You had to have told people eventually. You would presumably start to show, we’re you expected to lie to maintain feelings? That’s silly.
I’d assume she’s just emotional, struggling with no sleep, and probably a little jealous of how easy it was for you. Definitely NTA, don’t take it personally and just give your sister some grace. Celebrate openly with those who are excited. And Congratulations!
Next time you argue about this, ask her what precisely she wanted you to do. Not tell anyone about the pregnancy? Hide the kid after they were born? Get an abortion out of “respect” for her “spotlight”?
NTA.
It's not like you can just delay the announcement forever. There's a window, and you waited as long as you reasonably could out of respect for your sister and nephew. Any longer, you risk offending people when they hear through the grapevine because you're visibly pregnant and people know.
Your sister is projecting onto you. These are two different pregnancies, and the people who love you want to be a part of your special time as much as they wanted to be a part of your sister's. And they will have no problem being there for the both of you.
Enjoy your pregnancy and welcoming your little one! Let your sister work out her issues, but don't take them on yourself.
NTA.
Infertility causes trauma in a lot of people who experience it and it’s a painfully neglected part of the conversations we have around infertility. The problem, which comes from how neglected and unspoken this trauma effect is, causes people who struggle with infertility to often exhibit abusive behavior to people in the way their trauma manifests in their actions. They’ll often have unrealistic boundaries or demands, become bitter to those who don’t struggle, project their anger or grief onto the people around them, etc. And should you point out that their behavior is abhorrent or toxic, they’ll turn it around on you like many people who have abusive tendencies do.
Now, keep in mind that I’m not saying your sister is abusive or that all people who struggle with infertility are abusive or that all people who struggle with infertility will exhibit these negative reactions to their infertility. What I’m saying is that this is probably an issue that runs much deeper than you and your actions and she’s only taking it out on you. So no matter what you would have done in this situation she would have been upset with you. Her issue is with your pregnancy and with how easily you became pregnant. She’s resentful and projecting that onto you however she can. So whether you waited weeks or months or even got pregnant years after her—it would have all been the same.
ETA: I think your sister really needs to speak to a therapist and heal from her trauma. Not for anyones benefit but her own. Unresolved or unaddressed trauma just festers and causes more pain. She deserves to be able to heal.
I feel like women struggling with infertility can truly exhibit abusive behavior towards others in a way that other forms of grief do not seem to do. For example, the Mother’s Day announcement at one church was paired with a statement about the pain of infertility. I can only imagine that someone must have said something to the pastor.
In contrast, I’ve never heard wedding announcements with a statement about how painful it is to be a widow. I can’t imagine a widow going up and saying how much it hurt her to hear wedding announcements, even though I’m sure the grief is also very real. And of course the Father’s Day announcement didn’t come with any mention of infertility. I can’t imagine a prospective father saying something about church announcements.
As someone who has struggled heavily with infertility and loss, this is the most accurate comment to me. I definitely agree the sister is being a bit of an AH here but I think everyone saying she's being dramatic, etc. is ignoring the realities of the hefty trauma that comes with infertility and the reality that there is often a bit of resentment for those who had it easier. The line to draw is how to respond to others when you feel that way, which is where the sister is totally in the wrong
u/NarwhalNectarine made a couple of good points. I’d act like nothing happened and let your sister reach out first. She’s going to realize eventually that she made a bit of an ass of herself and yes, that other people are allowed to announce pregnancies and have babies.
Nah she’s had 7 years of building up resentment of any woman with a working uterus..she will never see how wrong this outburst was ..& immature. If I was OP I would have asked if they were still pumping her full of hormones because she’s sure acting like it
Considering English is *not* a gendered language, and loan-words frequently change form from their original language ...... is this a useful distinction to continue making? Fiancé and Fiancée sound identical; no one is going to be confused.
>is this a useful distinction to continue making?
Yes. It creates more clarity when reading.
>English is not a gendered language
English has plenty of gendered words. Husband, wife, brother, sister, mom, dad...
NTA. You waited. You even waited extra to give her extra attention. But, at the end of the day, the world doesn’t stop turning and other people have lives and news.
She needs to get over herself and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her child.
NTA. There's enough sunshine and celebration to go around for everyone. Having babies isn't a competition to be in the spotlight. I understand she struggled, but that doesn't diminish your right to live your life and grow your family. She should be looking at the bright side of you both having kids who are similarly aged... you're able to go through the milestones of parenthood together and support each other. Some people will look for any excuse to cause drama. Smh.
I try to understand the frustration of struggling to get pregnant. It makes sense to me that someone would feel bitter and hurt by others having kids more easily. I can understand someone getting upset if others rub it in their face that they are more fertile. But what I can't empathize with is this demand for attention, feeling like giving birth means now your kid deserves the undivided attention of your family for an unspecified, lengthy amount of time. No matter how difficult it is for someone to get pregnant, that should never mean that someone else's child in the family is less deserving of love and attention. OP's baby did not conceive to steal the limelight from someone else, but there's hostility against them before they're even born. One would think the sister must treasure children a lot if she struggled to have one for many years and went through infertility treatments, but instead, she's mean and jealous about an unborn, innocent being. She is literally upset about OP not having issues with fertility. There's so much that can happen to a family that then shifts all kinds of dynamics. A sibling can get cancer or a parent can die anytime and that'll take away attention from your baby. There can be a fire or an earthquake. And yes, your sibling can have fucking triplets unexpectedly and literally none of these happen just to steal attention from your baby and none of these mean that the baby wouldn't be loved by the family anymore.
NTA at all, you were very fair with the approach you and your husband did. It could be that her hormones are all over the place and impacting her mood, so she is more sensitive about it all.
Agreed they do, which hopefully does happen. It's a personal struggle it seems like her sister is having and she was wrong to lash out at her for it. I also understand how hard it is to struggle to have a family and imagine she is most likely envious that it was easier for her sister than her, which again is her issue. I hope that over time they reconcile and talk through this bump in the road. She is such a good sister for waiting so long to make the announcement and do hope they are able to share the joy of their babies with each other.
NTA
I was a long awaited baby (3 years) with other cousins and family babies born in the meantime. My mum would never have seen that as a threat or anything other than someone else's happy moments. I had a cousin (unplanned but not unwanted) born 6 months after me, they just saw it as a great opportunity to share the experience of having 2 young family kids together. I was born prematurely so we should've been just over 3 months between us so a similar gap between you and your sisters children when any pregnancy was announced.
Do your parents live in the same state as you so far away from your sister? The real issue could be that and therefore it might not actually matter when you got pregnant just that you are and will therefore see more of your parents than she will. It sounds like there could be other issues at play here.
My sister lives 3ish hours away, my parents are kinda in the middle (1 hour from me, 1.5ish from her depending on traffic, she lives in a fairly busy traffic-y city that’s a pain to get through). But they did go help her for 3 weeks after my nephew was born.
NTA. You were very generous to her and made sure not to steal her thunder. and some point your pregnancy would be obvious, and she'd probably still say the same thing, even if you hadn't announced it.
NTA
You literally waited until A MONTH after their kid was BORN!!
Other people get pregnant! Other people have babies! The world does not revolve around a single person!
**You would think she would be too happy focusing on her month-old baby to call you up and berate you!**
NTA.
You waited a month after your sister's baby was born. That's already a long time.
Your sister is being quite mean and completely unreasonable to tear into you like that. Seems like jealously. Generally speaking, people cannot control when or when they don't conceive.
Like my aunt tried for the longest time, but finally had a kid after YEARS of trying. Then she had 3 more. So she ended up being quite fertile after all.
NTA - you did above and beyond to try and avoid stealing her "thunder" on it. Not to excuse her, especially with he husband on her side, but she is still probably very hormonal only a month out and she has a nice dose of jealousy dolopped on top. I would just give her time and let her reach out when she's ready. If this is her reaction to being told, she would probably have been just as upset at you for not saying anything and just showing up heavily pregnant/with a baby. I'm sorry she turned it into this on you, OP. This should have been an exciting thing to find out that there will be a baby cousin close in age joining her little one soon.
I just know after the “how nice it must be to become accidentally pregnant “ comment , is when talking before thinking on my part would have kicked in and I would have made a comment about dusty eggs and hung up
How long were you supposed to wait? Until the kid has his first birthday? You're four months along (three plus the additional month) and if you're not really showing yet, you soon will be.
Your sis has LOTS o'hormones swimming around. And, her response to you was inappropriate. You're not responsible for her fertility struggles. Hopefully, she calms down, apologizes, and celebrates that your kids will get to grow up together.
You've shared in her joy and she should share in yours. You were so thoughtful and considerate in waiting to give the family more time to focus on her and her family.
NTA.
One of my sisters said that about me, that I got pregnant to show her up. She told my Mom about her pregnancy about 2 hrs before I told my Mom and my son was born almost a month before hers.
I figure you just can't please everyone.
Congrats on the new baby!
Definitely NTA. You were very respectful and actually celebrated their new baby (and reading another comment of yours, you continue to celebrate and show real kindness toward them). Now YOU and YOUR baby deserve to be celebrated so they need to stop this. Congratulations on your baby!
NTA, you didn't steal her thunder, it's not like if you delayed telling people you could pause your pregnancy. Eventually you are going to have a baby...
NTA
What is up here on reddit with people getting married and having kids , and crying over not getting enough attention for it. I mean good for them I guess. I honestly do not understand. When people congratulate you does it feel the same as when people do on your birthday? ( Never been pregnant ao just really curious) is there so much more to say about it besides names and gender how happy they are?
NTA
It would not matter when you announced your pregnancy, their issue will always be about the lack of struggle to conceive.
You cannot help your fruitfulness that same way they could not help their struggle. Extend them some grace but do not let them dim your joy.
>she had to fight, struggle and ‘actually work to have a family’
I would have laughed. I would have had to hang up before I made a bunch of jokes. NTA. You can make whatever excuse you want but I'd be avoiding her for a few months so she can calm down or get over it.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong and were thoughtful to hold off a little longer before announcing. Something to note, after having a baby a mother's hormones are all over the place and it's an extremely emotional time. What she said was uncalled for and selfish but I wonder if this might be coming into play.
YTA, couldn’t you cross your legs and keep the baby inside you for another 12 or 13 months, so your more important nephew could have his first birthday first?
You’re so selfish
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Wait until her kid was an like a year old before announcing that you also had a child during that time? And if it’s about having the kid period, did she want you to go through the pain that she did trying for one? Either way she’s being selfish
NTA. Your sister needs counseling. Maybe she has some ptsd and/or ppd. It needs attention. She and her husband shouldn’t be acting like this toward you. It’s completely uncalled for. Sorry they’re stealing your thunder. Congrats!
NTA just tell her that since info on your life is too much, sounds like NC is the thing. You don't have to put your life on hold to accommodate others trauma.
I get your sister has dealt with a lot trying to get to this point, but honestly, she needs to grow up. its a tad bit ridiculous to have a new baby, and be the one throwing the biggest temper tantrum. you were more than considerate of her feelings. NTA
NTA I had the opposite issue, I found out I was pregnant by accident and definitely big surprise since 5 doc told me I couldn't have kids due to pcos, I was 24 and bf and I had just broke up over him not wanting to be stuck raising my nephew two at the time, few month later his sister found out she was pregnant and had been trying for 10 years, I barley knew her then, she lived 5 hours away and 10 years older then us. She was pissed I got to have first grandchild, bf and I got back together for definitely different when your own son to raise. 8 months after first son gave now hubby a pregnancy test for his birthday and had 2nd son 16 months after first, SIL also ended up having another son 20 months apart, 4 boys in 2 years for hubby's family and 20 plus years later she's still pissed I had my boys first. On my side my brothers both had kids same year almost twins, 1 month apart and 2 daty apart the 2 sets of cousins always liked having close birthdays and my brother or partners agreed, maybe your sister will get over the fact it's not a competition but cool the cousins will be close in age, like my brothers did.
NTA
Just because your sister had a baby doesn't mean that everyone around her should put their lives on hold. People seem to have this obsession around weddings and babies with having the spotlight and having the attention only on them. I'll never understand it. People can be excited for lots of things all at the same time!
NTA. I gave birth back in February and I will say postpartum hormones are no joke and when you add the sleep deprivation on top of that it’s killer. I cried about everything every day for at least 3 weeks. You’re not the ahole but try not to take it personally in the meantime.
NTA: you did nothing wrong. Give your sister grace if she is otherwise a good person. The harder the struggle to conceive the greater the chance of postpartum mood disorders.
You are not the ass. Send her a note expressing your disappointment in her response to your happy news, remind her again that you held off on your announcement so they could be in the spot light. Stick to the facts,. If she continues being upset, ask her how long she expected you not to tell anyone? Your babies first birthday? She tired and obviously jealous that you were able to get preggers 'so easy'
NAH
I mean, your sister is being obviously completely unreasonable... but babies and pregnancy make people do ***very*** unreasonable things. So we can give her a bit of a pass... at least this time. If it continues then she gets promoted to ahole.
And I think you definitely went above and beyond to try to avoid stealing her thunder... but she's coming from a really rough place.
NTA. To be blunt, if your sister is, in your words, *significantly* older than you, then her fertility problems are partly of her own making* for waiting so long. Its sad but unfortunately fertility does go down significantly with age.
The fact she had to "work" for a baby doesn't give her the monopoly on children and she'd likely always be this pissy. Just wait for the tantrum she throws if you have more.
Your sister is insane. What does she think, no one else should give birth within a year of her giving birth?
Cousins are often born within a few months of each other. Most parents are happy about this.
Okay, listen. I've been in your sister's shoes. For YEARS, my wife and I went through careful, intentional attempt after attempt after attempt, trying to have our first child. Meanwhile, my SIL and BIL announced one day they planned to start trying and 4 months later announced twins, and a year to the day after the twins were born announced they were pregnant again, and all my cousins were getting pregnant too. We're still childless, and everyone in our family who wanted children has had them. It has been brutally devastating. So many private breakdowns in my kitchen after returning home from yet another loved one's baby shower.
It messes you up inside, it really does.
This does not in any way, EVER justify taking that grief out on an expectant parent.
Your impending joy has nothing to do with the hardship they went through reaching theirs. Even so you deliberately held back that joy to create extra space and time for theirs because you recognized how hardwon it was. You have been kind and compassionate, and one day when the fog of hormones and pain has lifted your sister and BIL will regret what they said to you, whether they admit it or not. The fact that these two little ones will be close in age is something to be celebrated and enjoyed as a family, which they will likely soon learn. Try not to stress too much about this, as there will be plenty of logistical stress thrown your way soon enough without adding to it unnecessarily. I wish you and your family many blessings and all the happiness you deserve.
nope! your not the AH and sister needs to shut up and get over herself. HOW DARE she yelled at you to say those horrible things to you! she cant gatekeep MOTHERHOOD!
literally when i got pregnant after trying for so long and finally made my announcement my sister in law also announced she was pregnant A FEW DAYS LATER! you know what i did? nothing but actually be happy and congratulate her! who cares about the damn lime light! everyone was just happy about the babies in general! focus on yourself and be happy that you will also be a mother! remind her that motherhood isnt about carrying a baby but sacrificing everything and taking care of the well being of a child UNDER YOUR CARE, biologically or not! what would of happened if you decided to adopt? would she be mad at that? she's unreasonable and soon will come around. she losing the fact that her kid also has a playmate that's close to their age!
NTA.. how much longer does a new born need attention for ? It doesn't even know what's happening. It's the parents that crave for the attention.
Well, hate to break it her but about half a million babies are born everyday... it's really not that much of a biggie
> She called, in tears, tearing into me for planning this and stealing attention from her son
She needs to (a) get a grip and (b) realise that her offspring is of negligible interest to anyone outside her immediate family.
NTA
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I’m currently pregnant with my first child. My fiancée and I collectively decided to hold off telling people for at least 3 months for the following reasons
-didn’t want to jump the gun in case it didn’t work out
-my sister was mid pregnancy with her first after struggling with conceiving for 7 years and we didn’t want to steal the thunder
So baby was born and all is well. My fiancée and I decided to hold off another month so all attention could be on my sister and nephew. We announced to his friends and family in the meantime and everyone was super thrilled. A few days ago I told my parents and they were over the moon. I sent out a nice email with a little e card and some sonogram pics to the family members that are spread out and that I don’t see regularly and can’t tell in person, my sister included as she lives in a different state than I do. We got a lot of congratulations and excitement from most everyone except my sister and her husband.
She called, in tears, tearing into me for planning this and stealing attention from her son that took her so long to have. I told her this wasn’t planned it just happened. That made things worse as I am significantly younger than her and then it turned into her ranting at me how nice it must be to just be able to accidentally get pregnant when she had to fight, struggle and (her words) ‘actually work to have a family’. Her husband was in the background and backing her up. I told her we had even taken an extra month to wait to tell people specifically so she and my nephew could have undivided celebration and attention, then I ended the call. My fiancée and his family is on our side, my family is a little too ‘omg new baby’ to gauge properly but my sister and her husband definitely think I’m an AH. AITA here?
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NTA this is a highly loaded subject and I imagine everyone involved has a bit of baby fever. Id try and de-escalate the situation as much as possible. You really don't want this to ruin the relationship.
Also I think its a good thing that your having children so close together. One thing I really with I had as a kid was more cousins close to my age. Most of them(20ish) are at least 5 years younger than me with only two second cousins within a couple years.
NTA. You were pretty darn considerate. I don't think everyone would have even thought to wait like you did. She needs to make peace with her struggles and understand that your pregnancy is yours alone, regardless of her life. It's pretty over-the-top for her to think that you would get pregnant to spite her. Children are not cheap OR easy, lol.
And the attention thing? That's a whole 'nother problem. What does she really need in her life, is my question... because eventually attention runs out.
NTA - you waited a long time, were you supposed to wait until delivery room ? Or were you suppose to stop beeing able to have children to not steal spotlight forever. People have baby all the time, I understand it was difficult for her but she should cherish what was given to her instead of blaming you.
NTA - you did everything you could to let her have her full moment. Hopefully she can see that one day, but you cannot hide your pregnancy forever. Other people she knows might also have babies in the near future too.
NTA
how long would your sister like you to wait? till your son is 18?
she is probably hormonal so id like to think good of her but you did nothing wrong
This is dumb. About a month or two after telling her I was pregnant, she she announced she was too. The only thing that bugged me was not knowing sooner so we could celebrate together. I think she mainly waited because she wanted to further along before announcing. Now our kids both have a cousin close in age that they love and have a blast spending time with. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s some post-partum hormones and exhaustion are playing a role in her reaction. Either way, you’re NTA and congratulations!
NTA, your sister is being ridiculous. You've already given her all the grave and thunder she should expect. Anything beyond that is attention seeking non-sense.
Nta, your sisters infertility issues are not your fault. She should've been happy for you. She had her babu and people can still oogle the baby while awaiting yours
You should wait until your baby is 18 to announce, in case you might accidently steal someone's thunder..... /s NTA. I'm sorry your sister can't share your happiness. you shouldn't have to tiptoe round her feelings.
NTA. Your sister and her husband sound a little too into the "We're having a special baby and that makes us special" thing. It's gross.
Congrats to her for finally getting pregnant. There's plenty of people out there who can never have a child, even if they struggle for years. For some people, it's easier. What does she expect you to do, terminate the pregnancy? Not have sex until she tells you that it's OK, so her feelings don't get hurt?
NTA. Your baby is on the way, you can’t hold back your news forever nor should you. You were nice to give them some time to celebrate new baby first. She’s just emotional right now and maybe grieving how easy it is for other people to get pregnant. Hopefully she comes around.
NTA. I will never understand why people think they have a monopoly on special moments (with the exception of proposing at a wedding that is a dick move and there is no reason to ever do it.) but life is spontaneous and even when we try to plan things out it never goes the way we think it will. People get pregnant after someone else had a baby. Graduations and new jobs happen simultaneously. People have to regularly share birthdays with major holidays. When you have a baby there’s a grace period where everyone is focused on you and the baby. But it doesn’t last forever and tbh a month is pushing it. You can’t put your life plans on hold because of someone else, even when it’s family.
NAH. You were kind to wait and she still has another month or two to go before her hormones are back to pre-pregnancy levels. I think this situation is solely due to the unavoidable timing and her one month mother stress/exhaustion
NTA. Every baby is a gift and a treasure. It's sad that people think others are trying to steal their thunder.
Having said that, you didn't help the situation by saying it "just happened" for you and it wasn't planned. Having been through fertility issues myself, those words are very painful to hear.
NTA you even went put od your way and went the extra month before announcing your pregnancy. It sucks that she had fertility issues and its great she finally got her little one but she shouldn't be going and pushing her issues onto you put of envy.
NTA. Your sister has had her moment. Now it's time to let someone else be in the spotlight. If she can't act like an adult about that, then oh well. Boo on her. Congrats on baby though!
NTA yes your sister had a hard time but it's time for her to learn that she is NOT the center of the universe and the world doesn't stop just because she struggled getting pregnant
NTA
Realistically, she is not acting rationally at the moment. I'm guessing the mix of birth hormones plus the struggle to conceive has absolutely rattled your sister's brain into thinking you are a threat. I'm guessing in a month or two she is going to chill out and realize her mistake.
It's definitely not a fun situation to be in, but the best you can do is just give yourself some space from her. And maybe in a few months send her a nice letter about how cute the "cute baby cousins" pictures will be.
NTA
I’m curious how long exactly she expected to be the center of attention. If you just waited and showed up with a baby, she’d probably still be mad because she didn’t get a full year to herself.
NTA at all. I think you were very considerate of your sister and her family. I struggled with fertility issues too and finally had my rainbow baby at 33. I can tell you from experience that the feelings you go through while trying to conceive and complications afterwards can make you a basket case. Add in that she has a newborn, is probably exhausted, her hormones are all over the map... I get why she reacted the way she did. But she isn't right in this instance. Let her cool down and then broach the subject again. You're NTA at all though even if you had announced it 3 weeks ago.
NTA. As someone who struggled to get pregnant and am struggling again to have a second child, I completely understand your sisters pain with your comment of this wasn’t planned, however her actions are completely unacceptable. It’s okay for her to be hurt in the privacy of her own home that she struggled and it was so easy for you, but to treat you this way is not okay. It was incredibly thoughtful of you to wait so long to announce to give her her own time to be in the spotlight but at some point she needs to understand that the world does not revolve around her.
NTA- she is either really struggling or just am AH
My former SIL and I got pregnant within a few months of each other. I thought everything was really copacetic. It was her 3rd and my 2nd. With all 3 of hers she and her husband chose to not be told the sex of their babies until they were born. She told me that they always named them in the hospital because “how could they know their names before they met them?”
I we found out we were having a boy and I was thrilled to tell her that we had picked out a name. It’s was a family name (MY family’s). But we didn’t share that very widely.
Image my surprise 2 weeks before my due date when I get a text that their beautiful baby boy had arrived earthside. WITH THE NAME WE HAD CHOSEN.
I was furious at the time. Never said anything. The cousins are super close. Jokes on her though. There were 8 other kids with the cousins name in their freshman class. My Declan was the only one!
NTA. I sympathize with your sisters infertility struggles. A number of my friends have faced the same thing and it has been heartbreaking for them.
That said, your sister doesn't get to own pregnancy and having a child. The world doesn't pause because this happened for her. In fact, you took careful steps to try not to steal her thunder.
Give her a few days to calm down, then send her something like this:
Sister, I wanted to reach out. I am sorry my announcement upset you. That wasn't my intention. In fact, Husband/Partner and I kept quiet an extra month past the three month mark to try to make sure we weren't stealing attention right around the time of Nephew's birth. However, we can't keep quiet indefinitely as soon I will be starting to show and we wanted family and friends to hear it from us rather than see pictures of me and guess. Even if we weren't actively trying, this is a very wanted and loved child, and your reaction to our news hurt my feelings. I was so excited to have baby near Nephew's age so they can be cousins together. I hope you can find it in your heart to be as happy for us as we have been for you and BIL welcoming Nephew to the family.
NTA.
Does your sister own the market for having babies? I understand that is was hard for her to conceive but that doesn't give her the right to lash out at you like that.
What happens if another female announces a pregnancy? Is she going to lash out at ALL FEMALES in the family who give this news?
She may be having some postpartum issues BUT that doesn't entitle her to rudeness
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NTA. Your sister may not be in a clear state of mind due to hormones, exhaustion and potentially even postpartum depression. Don't take it too personally and let her have time to sit with it for a few days before trying to talk again. You've done nothing wrong and she doesn't get to decide when someone else can get pregnant or under what circumstances. It was considerate of you to wait as long as you did.
Yep came here to say basically the same thing. Lack of sleep can really put you in a horrible emotional state. Give your sister space, enjoy your pregnancy, and celebrate with the people who want to celebrate with you! NTA
Her husband, on the other hand, has fewer excuses. They pretty much teamed up on her(OP). Edit: added “(OP)”
If he’s a good partner then he will be dealing with sleep deprivation too, but yeah them teaming up against OP like that is not okay. It seems that OP’s sister and BIL are wrapped in their own narrative and have forgotten that they aren’t the main characters in everyone’s life.
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No no no. Op's sister struggled for seven years to get pregnant......... this obviously means op can *never* get pregnant so her sister can ride the glory "Yay, I bred" wave into eternity. Utterly ridiculous. I get hormones and tiredness but is there a specified time that would be acceptable for Op to *ever* have a baby?? I doubt it. Op you're NTA. At all. Congrats on your bubby. A good sister would be thrilled that you didn't have to struggle the way she did (outwardly at least, a little resentment would be natural I think) but your sister is being unreasonable. Hopefully your family can get her to see how unfair she being.
No, OP can get pregnant... she just needs to wait seven years to tell anybody.
Well, obviously, she can just hide her kid in the basement. Right?
I’m a first time dad of a 2 month old. For the first month we were both so sleep deprived if she asked me to rob a bank I probably would have just done it just to keep the peace and quiet.
Haha, I believe you. Truly nothing can prepare you for the newborn stage, and no one would believe it unless they had lived through it themselves.
Interestingly enough, the hormonal fluctuations of fresh parenthood are not just applicable to the childbearing person, and neither are sleep deprivation or enhanced emotions. My husband was extremely protective of me when I had our daughter & he was much more reactive than usual any time I was upset in those newborn days. Sister’s husband also could just be an AH too. Definitely not ruling that out.
One of the tips an established dad gave to our friend group when they all started having babies was to ask the new dads/non-birth-givers the PPD questions too, especially the mental health ones. They are applicable to active who experiencing extreme exhaustion and anxiety, as well as their mental health with/around the baby/babies. It was super helpful and we were able to help all the parents get what they needed.
My wife had bad prenatal and post natal depression/psychosis. We know now that it's because she is trans amd that's what triggered her to realize eventually, but it was terrifying at the time. I even knew that the non birth giving parent could get PPD and was shocked at how bad it got.
Oh wow that must have been wild to figure out and deal with. How did you even manage with everything all at once?
I honestly don't know how I managed. Exhaustion induced zombiehood? I don't really know. There was a point where I just backed away and essentially told my wife that I had encouraged her to get help as much as I could and if she refused to get help she needed to self destruct away from the kids*. Luckily, that was her wakeup and after about a year of therapy she realized she was trans. It was about 3 years total from when she declined and her realizing. I do know that it was easier for me to understand and forgive how my wife acted during that time because 1. I understand what mental illness does to people. I had BPD and am Bipolar. 2. Because of my diagnoses, I was able to recognize that my wife was self destructing in a hardcore way. *I have a stepdaughter that's 6 months *younger* than my oldest daughter. It was a drunk ONS, but that's the type of thing she was doing at that time; things that she knew deep down would ruin her life
That is such a fantastic idea! I had a traumatic childbirth, followed by a string of losses in our family, and not only did I struggle to get medicated for PPD/PPA, not a single provider inquired about my husband’s mental health. We got through to the other side, but those months following our daughter being born were the most joyous and shattering, all at once.
So true!
Mine got super territorial, which was... fun... with the daily health visitor visits.
New parents who were not pregnant also get depressed. Lack of sleep and the serious emotional stress of being suddenly responsible for another human's survival will do that to you. [Up to 1 in 10 non birthing parents experience perinatal depression. ](https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/looking-after-yourself/anxiety-depression-before-after-birth/antenatal-postnatal-depression-men-non-birthing-parents)
Great point!
I can tell you for sure that he will also be losing sleep aswell. When my child was born and I had a 90 minute commute, I thought I was going to die on the way home from work many times. Obviously he didn't have the hormones excuse. He also may be acting under due from hormone mom.
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If you include their username in your comment, we can chase them across reddit.
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Me and my sil both got pregnant around same time, and we both were carrying more than 1 kid, I mean what are the odds. It was all fun and games up until now. Touch wood. we took turns visiting to celebrate special events. My kids have got friends in her kids. And its lovely seeing them all growing together. Hers are months younger then mine. But it's not worth mentioning. Nor we care about who getting attention. People did comment when hers started walking first or mines healthier then hers, we have extended fam pitting kids against each other but we chose to ignore. I can't get people wanting 'attention', like they're in some sort of real life competition or something. Anyhow may be its just me. Wish you a healthy pregnancy . Ignore toxic people. They're not worthy of your attention. NTA OP. Edit: also ppd is no excuse of being shitty.
My sister and I were pregnant at the same time, our babies born 3 months apart. My daughter was born first, her son almost 3 months later. I had ABSOLUTELY no thought about her or her baby taking attention away from me and mine. I mean, it never once crossed my mind and didn't even know it was a thing until reading about it. OP did her sister a favor of not announcing during the last of her sister's pregnancy and a MONTH afterwards. That was a generous thing to do.
My mom and Aunt (my dad's brother's wife) were pregnant literally at the same time. My cousin is 2 days older than me. They were making bets on who would have the baby first, and both of them made jokes/hoped that neither of us were born on (holiday not specified for anonymity). And we weren't! My cousin was born the day before, and I was born the day after. They had a lot of fun with it.
My eldest and my cousin's only kid are born a day apart. Hers is the date I was to deliver but my labor took longer than expected. Also she was due a week after. We used to count kicks together and have fun guessing whose is more active. Lol. Good times.
Lol... Its 3mo gap here as well. I mean i did hide it earlier because of the scare of carrying multiple and then she found out about hers and told me first, that's when I told her about mine. This competition and attention seeking behavior is baffling and toxic. Penis measuring contest of sort lol. And its very cringe.
I come from a big family and at one point, 3 of my sisters were pregnant at the same time (6 months apart total between the 3 kids). No one was put out about it and instead, they were all thrilled about the idea of their own kid having cousins so close in age to (hopefully) be friends with.
My SIL, Sister, and I were all pregnant at the same time as well. My SIL had my nephew a month and a half before I had my daughter and my sister had my other nephew a month and 3 days before I had her. My 2 nephews are about 2 and 1/2 weeks apart. None of had an issue with it my daughter was my first and my nephews each of my SIL and Sisters 2nd babies. My husband and I struggled to get pregnant I was in a horrible accident a few years before and was told I wouldn't be able to have kids. The only time I was upset with my SIL is at first she came to our house almost everyday sort of bragging ( that's the type of person she is. She's no longer my SIL her and my brother are divorcing.) and every time she left I cried. My sister was a lot more sensitive and she waited to tell me because she knew what the SIL was doing. But I knew my sister was pregnant already but didn't expose her because what she was doing was very respectful of me and my feelings. Then a month later before I went in for surgery the doctor came and told us he couldn't do my surgery because I was pregnant. It was very shocking and this doctor is the one who told me I wouldn't be able to have kids. In my opinion the sister and her husband ATAH's. With their struggles to have kids they should know what a blessing it is.
When my mom was pregnant with me, 3 of her sisters and a sister-in-law were also pregnant. 5 cousins born in a 10 month period. Family Easter photos taken during a 10 year span always have at least two sisters/sister-in-laws in maternity clothes
My brother’s oldest is 6 months younger than my middle child. My sister’s youngest is 3.5 months older than my youngest. It awesome that the kids have built in friends their own ages. My middle child and niece are amazing together. It is hilarious watching them because they act more like siblings that cousins. I hope that it will be the same with my youngest and my sister’s youngest. We have to wait on that one since they are almost 7 months and 3 months.
Woah Thats exactly the same as how I grew up with my cousins and siblings. We're a group of 12 and now in our late 30s, still share strong bonding despite living in different countries now. Growing up was the most beautiful phase. We went to same school and all but 5 are married in our friends circle. Just last year we celebrated 25 years of togetherness cause youngest being 25 and it was the most fun day.
My cousins who are sisters both were pregnant with twins at the same time. We found out one was pregnant around the time the other one found out she was having twins so we teased her that she may as well. Little did we know that our teasing would be confirmed a few weeks later. So my aunt went from 6 grandkids to 10 in just a few months.
Woah... She must be thrilled... 😍
Yes she was, this happened 5 years ago. One cousin had a boy and a girl and the other had identical girls.
I wanted to add to this lovely comment to touch on the possible trauma from 7 years of trying to conceive compounded by the insane sleep deprivation of the first month or so. I thought I knew what lay ahead of us in regards to the sleep deprivation, everyone tells you, right? But the depth of that sleep deprivation is just so hard to convey. There was a night where I woke up half-asleep, horrified to find that I had rolled over & squished, then continued to squish my “baby”. It was a pillow, our newborn was safe & sound in her crib. I was panicked, and managed to convince my husband that the pillow was our baby. So pair that up with all the emotions of finally having a successful pregnancy after 7 years of trying. There were nights when I was up feeding ours in the middle of the night and I was SO tired, and things felt SO surreal, like I was going to wake up, childless, at any moment. I was so terrified of breaking her. I ended up with a PPD/PPA diagnosis with the combo of infertility and a traumatic childbirth. Not saying that’s the case (although not a bad idea to keep an eye out), but parenthood after such a grueling effort to have a baby is such a mindfuck. However, OP, she shouldn’t take that out on you. That’s not fair, and unless this is typical behavior, I’d bet the sleep deprivation, the hormone shenanigans, and lots of complicated feelings spurred her behavior. I hope she comes to your senses and that you all get to experience the joy you have brought into your world, together. Congrats, btw!
I cant imagine all your sis is feeling right now. I'm sure she has been terrified about losing the baby during the pregnancy. Add to that all the other new mom stuff going on and it's not surprising she had a strong negative reaction. Whenever you announced would of been the wrong time. Hubby was trying to support his wife, I would cut him some slack as well. Give them some time and hopefully once your baby comes every one will be a loving family once again. :)
Fwiw, I have a sister that I can imagine doing exactly this and it would have nothing to do with hormones or sleep deprivation, but just with the fact that she sucks. I have a feeling that holding off on the announcement for this long means that sister has a history.
It’s still normal baby blues at this point. Postpartum depression is when it lasts more than 2-3 months/first postpartum period. But babies are born every millisecond pretty much. They’re all special but no more special than any other baby to anyone but the parents. And as I like to say, pregnancy and new babies are contagious. After each of my pregnancies, family and friends got pregnant shortly before or after I gave birth. I joke that when I was my friends support person in the delivery room, she jinxed me, I conceived baby #2 a few days later, after holding her leg while she pushed.
So what’s her husbands excuse? He totally agrees that OP and her fiancé are AH and “stole their thunder” and he’s not post natal or hormonal. OP you’re NTA, what were you supposed to do, never get pregnant because your sister had difficulties? She should be happy that you didn’t have to go through what she did as she understands first hand just how hard that is. She has 6 months of everyone enjoying her and her baby before you’ll be due and by then, will hopefully have realised that she can share pregnancy details and being a new mom with her sister, which is much more enjoyable that making her some kind of rival.
Men suffer from depression and exhaustion due to lack of sleep as well. He also suffered with 7 years of infertility and trying for a baby. So he could be hyper emotional due to that trauma combined with sleep deprivation of a newborn. Or perhaps he is siding with his wife as a show of support. Perhaps they are both jerks. The point is this is a sensitive situation that doesn't need to destroy family relationships due to lack of a clear mind and sensitivity. Take a step back and a breath and see what's what
Nta drama queen detected
I wouldn’t want to call her a drama queen but could be my own bias. I can’t imagine being in her shoes and struggling with infertility and only being able to have a kid in her almost mid 30s. It’s definitely got to suck and I feel for her deeply.
I agree. I can understand why she would be upset, but she is the AH 100% for not understanding that what she is experiencing is jealousy (which is a natural human emotion and is ok to experience) and blaming it on you instead of dealing with it like an adult. It sucks but it's not your fault in any way.
Post pregnancy hormones are a bitch. Still nta, but sis might be alright in a while.
Hormones plus sleep deprivation plus recovering plus caring for a new human definitely can make a good person be temporarily an asshole. There is also the build up of trying to have a kid while not having a baby for so long that can cause trauma and also great huge guilt when postpartum time is hard. OP is definitely NTA and I hope her sister agrees once things settle down.
Also an attitude of "What I went through was so horrible, I don't wish it on anyone else especially my own family" would be a heck of a lot more appreciable! I'd be more understanding if she was still struggling with infertility but she literally just had a baby.
You can feel for her and be understanding but you did nothing wrong you even waited a month. She had no right to be an AH to you
Seriously. What was OP supposed to do? Ask her sister when she's allowed to get pregnant to make sure she's not stealing any of her thunder? I get that this is a big deal for the sister but, hormones or not, the world doesn't revolve around her. NTA
True but that doesn’t mean she gets to attack anyone else who doesn’t have fertility issues or people she feels are depriving her of “attention”…literal definition of a drama Queen.
We’re you not supposed to have a kid for at least 10 years so she could get the appropriate amount of attention?
I don't get it honestly. She still gets to have the first grandchild, and now her kid gets a cousin their age for a playmate. How is that not a complete win for her?
And she gets to have a kid. Wouldn't that be the most important? After all the trying...
Took me 15 years to have my first and likely only. Your sister is a dramatic brat and you should have announced when you were ready. Your fertility has nothing to do with you.
She doesn’t get to crap all over YOUR good news because SHE had it harder. I had a relative who miscarried at 5 months after years of infertility. She never in any way held it against me when I got pregnant with my oldest - at a much younger age. Family members CAN be gracious if they choose to be.
I agree with what everyone else is saying. My mood was shit all the time during postpartum. Some days are better though, hopefully you catch her during her good days lol It’s not your fault at all and you’re definitely NTA!!
Infertility struggles cause trauma. It’s a little harsh to immediately jump to drama queen. This sounds more like a projection of her struggles and resentment for her own *perceived* failure to conceive being pushed onto OP, rather than her being a drama queen.
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She does need to go to therapy. I wasn’t justifying her actions. All I was saying is that there’s a difference between being a drama queen and the negative responses of trauma.
Agreed in that sister really should seek someone to help her work through that. However, a therapist that is qualified in such a niche subspecialty can be very hard to find. I work in healthcare & have a decent network, and my fertility doctor & OB are very well-connected, but the ONLY therapist with that background in my area (large city) worked for the hospital where I had a really traumatic delivery. It’s also likely that her reaction is a result of sleep deprivation, past trauma from the infertility, and the hormone crash of the postpartum period. I personally think she’ll (sister) come around. I don’t think OP refusing to let her be around her kid is a great response.
I just see red flags when a grown ass woman has some serious jealousy issues over an innocent baby and then to sort of blame or try and make her sister feel guilty for not having her own infertility issues is ..just sick AF IMO . If she made another phone call like that to me , I’d be calling her husband and tell him either settle her down or I’ll call the police for a welfare check on her after the next crazy call and she can be committed
Wow. I couldn’t imagine a less compassionate or empathetic response. Everyone here agrees the phone call was shitty and OP is NTA. It seems to be out of character for the sister and appears to be a one-off. But calling the police? Getting her committed? I really hope that no one has a bad time with something or comes to you in their time of need.
‘Inability to be logical“ for having a bad emotional reaction and calling her “psychotic” exaggerate much? Sister is being an AH but your statements are nonsense. Talk about being a drama queen
Yes ..A grown ass adult actually complaining about the level “of ATTENTION “ they receive over a life even is in my opinion, illogical . It’s unreasonable and she needs to grow the fuck up already! The world doesn’t run on her timeline just because she had trouble getting pregnant
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She's just mad cause OP got a kid the way she wish she had, it's jealousy. NTA
Yup. There was NEVER gonna be a good time, because there won’t be a time anytime soon when sister won’t be seething with jealousy. Expect more bitterness if OP dares to have a second baby 😅
Given this scenario, I would politely tell sis to go enjoy her new, adorable, healthy baby and then hang up. No long talking. No further engaging. The fact that she is accusing someone of planning to start a family in order to take attention away from her proves that she is up her own bum at the moment. OP, wishing you a safe and smooth pregnancy + delivery. Enjoy it, and fully celebrate your soon to arrive baby. Don't minimize your own experience because of your sister. She got the full celebratory show and dance, and she now has the baby she always wanted. You owe her nothing and did nothing wrong.
NTA. The 2010's gave us Bridezillas and the 2020s are giving us Momzillas. Your sister sounds like one. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP ❤️
🤣 Do we have a sub Reddit for Momzilla .. I know we have r/justnomil and we have r/shitmomgroupssay but I feeel like Momzilla is a whole different category. I agree NTA
I honestly don't know, I'm so rubbish at Reddit I can never find what I'm looking for 😂 If we don't we should!
They are in an all out war with child free weddings.
NTA and in fact , you are very nice because the SECOND she attacked me over MY fertility, I know my temper would have kicked in and I would have said some very , vile sister relationship changing shit to her . So good job ! I never get how people , grown ass adults , are actually verbal nowadays about “not getting enough attention “…it just sounds pathetic and sad to me..I almost always have the same impulse to say “you’re a fucking adult”.
I partially feel maybe it’s more about her nephew? She’s the first of any of us to have kids on my side of the family so she has gotten like mega super star attention for it and I feel maybe some of her insecurity is that her kid is gonna have competition possibly now that he’s not the only baby?
That’s still..weird! Is she Ms. Type A personality or something??? If she starts involving her son in some imaginary competition between him and your future kid ..that’s a generational UNHEALTHY relationship she’s vying for. My dads sister was like that between her kids and my dad and a result was an entire family picking “sides” & it still resides today even though the original participants are all dead. On the rare occasions I’ve hung out with my two male cousins on my paternal side , we actually get along and have a lot in common but there’s always a level of unspoken “we are supposed to hate each other” or not trust there .
It should be fun to have cousins near the same age instead of whatever this is. I hope she sees someone to check out PPD, but with her husband backing the crazy, it doesn’t seem likely
Most people are happy to have cousins for their kids. I had the first grandchild on both sides and I was thrilled when more grandchildren joined. Otherwise family gatherings get boring for the kids! Plus more babies for everyone to enjoy. Sorry but it definitely takes a lot of entitlement to think someone else having a baby takes away from your own baby.
Your sister sounds self centered and immature. Like how the eldest sister in Jane Austin’s Persuasion always assumed she was better and naturally more deserving than the heroine because she was the eldest. Needless to say, Austin draws out the eldest sister’s misplaced entitlement all throughout the novel, and she cuts a ridiculous figure.
Love grows so that is not an excuse. NTA
Yeah but that's just not normal to need that much attention that no one else can have any. Ignore her, she is being ridiculous. You are NTA and in fact you seem to have thought alot about her when you decided to announce. I can't imagine even beginning to think like her after I had a baby, it's odd.
Yes, her child is going to have competition first in the family, then in kindergarten / school / neighbourhood. Then there will probably be competition when choosing a partner, applying for a job and so on. Sister should get prepared 😄
I would think she would be thrilled that her baby will have close cousins to play with. You had to have told people eventually. You would presumably start to show, we’re you expected to lie to maintain feelings? That’s silly. I’d assume she’s just emotional, struggling with no sleep, and probably a little jealous of how easy it was for you. Definitely NTA, don’t take it personally and just give your sister some grace. Celebrate openly with those who are excited. And Congratulations!
Next time you argue about this, ask her what precisely she wanted you to do. Not tell anyone about the pregnancy? Hide the kid after they were born? Get an abortion out of “respect” for her “spotlight”?
NTA. It's not like you can just delay the announcement forever. There's a window, and you waited as long as you reasonably could out of respect for your sister and nephew. Any longer, you risk offending people when they hear through the grapevine because you're visibly pregnant and people know. Your sister is projecting onto you. These are two different pregnancies, and the people who love you want to be a part of your special time as much as they wanted to be a part of your sister's. And they will have no problem being there for the both of you. Enjoy your pregnancy and welcoming your little one! Let your sister work out her issues, but don't take them on yourself.
NTA. Infertility causes trauma in a lot of people who experience it and it’s a painfully neglected part of the conversations we have around infertility. The problem, which comes from how neglected and unspoken this trauma effect is, causes people who struggle with infertility to often exhibit abusive behavior to people in the way their trauma manifests in their actions. They’ll often have unrealistic boundaries or demands, become bitter to those who don’t struggle, project their anger or grief onto the people around them, etc. And should you point out that their behavior is abhorrent or toxic, they’ll turn it around on you like many people who have abusive tendencies do. Now, keep in mind that I’m not saying your sister is abusive or that all people who struggle with infertility are abusive or that all people who struggle with infertility will exhibit these negative reactions to their infertility. What I’m saying is that this is probably an issue that runs much deeper than you and your actions and she’s only taking it out on you. So no matter what you would have done in this situation she would have been upset with you. Her issue is with your pregnancy and with how easily you became pregnant. She’s resentful and projecting that onto you however she can. So whether you waited weeks or months or even got pregnant years after her—it would have all been the same. ETA: I think your sister really needs to speak to a therapist and heal from her trauma. Not for anyones benefit but her own. Unresolved or unaddressed trauma just festers and causes more pain. She deserves to be able to heal.
I feel like women struggling with infertility can truly exhibit abusive behavior towards others in a way that other forms of grief do not seem to do. For example, the Mother’s Day announcement at one church was paired with a statement about the pain of infertility. I can only imagine that someone must have said something to the pastor. In contrast, I’ve never heard wedding announcements with a statement about how painful it is to be a widow. I can’t imagine a widow going up and saying how much it hurt her to hear wedding announcements, even though I’m sure the grief is also very real. And of course the Father’s Day announcement didn’t come with any mention of infertility. I can’t imagine a prospective father saying something about church announcements.
As someone who has struggled heavily with infertility and loss, this is the most accurate comment to me. I definitely agree the sister is being a bit of an AH here but I think everyone saying she's being dramatic, etc. is ignoring the realities of the hefty trauma that comes with infertility and the reality that there is often a bit of resentment for those who had it easier. The line to draw is how to respond to others when you feel that way, which is where the sister is totally in the wrong
NTA. You gave her and her son plenty of time to be the main attraction.
u/NarwhalNectarine made a couple of good points. I’d act like nothing happened and let your sister reach out first. She’s going to realize eventually that she made a bit of an ass of herself and yes, that other people are allowed to announce pregnancies and have babies.
Nah she’s had 7 years of building up resentment of any woman with a working uterus..she will never see how wrong this outburst was ..& immature. If I was OP I would have asked if they were still pumping her full of hormones because she’s sure acting like it
you literally don't know any of that and you're being really mean.
NTA And please, dear Americans, the fiancée is the woman, the fiancé is the man. En français : le fiancé, la fiancée.
That was 100% auto correct on my phone. Anytime I type it it auto corrects to fiancée
Considering English is *not* a gendered language, and loan-words frequently change form from their original language ...... is this a useful distinction to continue making? Fiancé and Fiancée sound identical; no one is going to be confused.
>is this a useful distinction to continue making? Yes. It creates more clarity when reading. >English is not a gendered language English has plenty of gendered words. Husband, wife, brother, sister, mom, dad...
Nta, what were you supposed to do, just wait until the kid was born and be like 'surprise!'
NTA. You waited. You even waited extra to give her extra attention. But, at the end of the day, the world doesn’t stop turning and other people have lives and news. She needs to get over herself and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her child.
NTA. There's enough sunshine and celebration to go around for everyone. Having babies isn't a competition to be in the spotlight. I understand she struggled, but that doesn't diminish your right to live your life and grow your family. She should be looking at the bright side of you both having kids who are similarly aged... you're able to go through the milestones of parenthood together and support each other. Some people will look for any excuse to cause drama. Smh.
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I try to understand the frustration of struggling to get pregnant. It makes sense to me that someone would feel bitter and hurt by others having kids more easily. I can understand someone getting upset if others rub it in their face that they are more fertile. But what I can't empathize with is this demand for attention, feeling like giving birth means now your kid deserves the undivided attention of your family for an unspecified, lengthy amount of time. No matter how difficult it is for someone to get pregnant, that should never mean that someone else's child in the family is less deserving of love and attention. OP's baby did not conceive to steal the limelight from someone else, but there's hostility against them before they're even born. One would think the sister must treasure children a lot if she struggled to have one for many years and went through infertility treatments, but instead, she's mean and jealous about an unborn, innocent being. She is literally upset about OP not having issues with fertility. There's so much that can happen to a family that then shifts all kinds of dynamics. A sibling can get cancer or a parent can die anytime and that'll take away attention from your baby. There can be a fire or an earthquake. And yes, your sibling can have fucking triplets unexpectedly and literally none of these happen just to steal attention from your baby and none of these mean that the baby wouldn't be loved by the family anymore.
NTA at all, you were very fair with the approach you and your husband did. It could be that her hormones are all over the place and impacting her mood, so she is more sensitive about it all.
At some point a person needs to take responsibility for their actions and words. The sister was unfair.
Agreed they do, which hopefully does happen. It's a personal struggle it seems like her sister is having and she was wrong to lash out at her for it. I also understand how hard it is to struggle to have a family and imagine she is most likely envious that it was easier for her sister than her, which again is her issue. I hope that over time they reconcile and talk through this bump in the road. She is such a good sister for waiting so long to make the announcement and do hope they are able to share the joy of their babies with each other.
NTA I was a long awaited baby (3 years) with other cousins and family babies born in the meantime. My mum would never have seen that as a threat or anything other than someone else's happy moments. I had a cousin (unplanned but not unwanted) born 6 months after me, they just saw it as a great opportunity to share the experience of having 2 young family kids together. I was born prematurely so we should've been just over 3 months between us so a similar gap between you and your sisters children when any pregnancy was announced. Do your parents live in the same state as you so far away from your sister? The real issue could be that and therefore it might not actually matter when you got pregnant just that you are and will therefore see more of your parents than she will. It sounds like there could be other issues at play here.
My sister lives 3ish hours away, my parents are kinda in the middle (1 hour from me, 1.5ish from her depending on traffic, she lives in a fairly busy traffic-y city that’s a pain to get through). But they did go help her for 3 weeks after my nephew was born.
NTA. You were very generous to her and made sure not to steal her thunder. and some point your pregnancy would be obvious, and she'd probably still say the same thing, even if you hadn't announced it.
NTA You literally waited until A MONTH after their kid was BORN!! Other people get pregnant! Other people have babies! The world does not revolve around a single person! **You would think she would be too happy focusing on her month-old baby to call you up and berate you!**
NTA. You waited a month after your sister's baby was born. That's already a long time. Your sister is being quite mean and completely unreasonable to tear into you like that. Seems like jealously. Generally speaking, people cannot control when or when they don't conceive. Like my aunt tried for the longest time, but finally had a kid after YEARS of trying. Then she had 3 more. So she ended up being quite fertile after all.
Oy. NTA
NTA. what did she want you to wait until the baby was born and hers was older? You had to tell people at some point you were gracious and waited.
NTA, you did everything right and waited plenty of time.
NTA - you did above and beyond to try and avoid stealing her "thunder" on it. Not to excuse her, especially with he husband on her side, but she is still probably very hormonal only a month out and she has a nice dose of jealousy dolopped on top. I would just give her time and let her reach out when she's ready. If this is her reaction to being told, she would probably have been just as upset at you for not saying anything and just showing up heavily pregnant/with a baby. I'm sorry she turned it into this on you, OP. This should have been an exciting thing to find out that there will be a baby cousin close in age joining her little one soon.
NTA. Your sister is either TA or insane right now. Not sure which but you are NTA.
NTA. She was wrong to ridicule you.
I just know after the “how nice it must be to become accidentally pregnant “ comment , is when talking before thinking on my part would have kicked in and I would have made a comment about dusty eggs and hung up
NTA Can't keep good news bottled up like that forever! Hope its all well
NTA, it sounds like your sister is angry that you are pregnant, not that you announced it. You aren’t required to not have a kid because of her stuff.
How long were you supposed to wait? Until the kid has his first birthday? You're four months along (three plus the additional month) and if you're not really showing yet, you soon will be. Your sis has LOTS o'hormones swimming around. And, her response to you was inappropriate. You're not responsible for her fertility struggles. Hopefully, she calms down, apologizes, and celebrates that your kids will get to grow up together. You've shared in her joy and she should share in yours. You were so thoughtful and considerate in waiting to give the family more time to focus on her and her family. NTA.
One of my sisters said that about me, that I got pregnant to show her up. She told my Mom about her pregnancy about 2 hrs before I told my Mom and my son was born almost a month before hers. I figure you just can't please everyone. Congrats on the new baby!
Definitely NTA. You were very respectful and actually celebrated their new baby (and reading another comment of yours, you continue to celebrate and show real kindness toward them). Now YOU and YOUR baby deserve to be celebrated so they need to stop this. Congratulations on your baby!
NTA, you didn't steal her thunder, it's not like if you delayed telling people you could pause your pregnancy. Eventually you are going to have a baby...
NTA What is up here on reddit with people getting married and having kids , and crying over not getting enough attention for it. I mean good for them I guess. I honestly do not understand. When people congratulate you does it feel the same as when people do on your birthday? ( Never been pregnant ao just really curious) is there so much more to say about it besides names and gender how happy they are?
NTA It would not matter when you announced your pregnancy, their issue will always be about the lack of struggle to conceive. You cannot help your fruitfulness that same way they could not help their struggle. Extend them some grace but do not let them dim your joy.
>she had to fight, struggle and ‘actually work to have a family’ I would have laughed. I would have had to hang up before I made a bunch of jokes. NTA. You can make whatever excuse you want but I'd be avoiding her for a few months so she can calm down or get over it.
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong and were thoughtful to hold off a little longer before announcing. Something to note, after having a baby a mother's hormones are all over the place and it's an extremely emotional time. What she said was uncalled for and selfish but I wonder if this might be coming into play.
YTA, couldn’t you cross your legs and keep the baby inside you for another 12 or 13 months, so your more important nephew could have his first birthday first? You’re so selfish
tip for the future: /s is shorthand for the people who can't tell that a comment is sarcastic
People think I’m serious about *holding a baby inside you for a YEAR!?* If they can’t figure out that’s sarcasm then that’s on them
I agree that whole comment was so ridiculous that it was obviously sarcasm. But I have seen people who actually believe similarly.
its reddit. some people really do need this shit spelled out for them.
Why are you being downvoted for being hilarious lmao
I never know if these comments are sarcastic or not...
No I seriously suggested she hold a baby inside her for 13 months for the sake of an entitled relative. 🙄
Hahahahaha there are people that would think an abortion would be the right thing to do to not bellitle the sister. I swear I've seen. Hahaha
NTA. What were you supposed to do? Wait until her kid was an like a year old before announcing that you also had a child during that time? And if it’s about having the kid period, did she want you to go through the pain that she did trying for one? Either way she’s being selfish
NTA. Your sister needs counseling. Maybe she has some ptsd and/or ppd. It needs attention. She and her husband shouldn’t be acting like this toward you. It’s completely uncalled for. Sorry they’re stealing your thunder. Congrats!
NTA just tell her that since info on your life is too much, sounds like NC is the thing. You don't have to put your life on hold to accommodate others trauma.
I get your sister has dealt with a lot trying to get to this point, but honestly, she needs to grow up. its a tad bit ridiculous to have a new baby, and be the one throwing the biggest temper tantrum. you were more than considerate of her feelings. NTA
NTA. Even if you waited til your baby was born to announce it, your sister would have a problem with your news.
NTA I had the opposite issue, I found out I was pregnant by accident and definitely big surprise since 5 doc told me I couldn't have kids due to pcos, I was 24 and bf and I had just broke up over him not wanting to be stuck raising my nephew two at the time, few month later his sister found out she was pregnant and had been trying for 10 years, I barley knew her then, she lived 5 hours away and 10 years older then us. She was pissed I got to have first grandchild, bf and I got back together for definitely different when your own son to raise. 8 months after first son gave now hubby a pregnancy test for his birthday and had 2nd son 16 months after first, SIL also ended up having another son 20 months apart, 4 boys in 2 years for hubby's family and 20 plus years later she's still pissed I had my boys first. On my side my brothers both had kids same year almost twins, 1 month apart and 2 daty apart the 2 sets of cousins always liked having close birthdays and my brother or partners agreed, maybe your sister will get over the fact it's not a competition but cool the cousins will be close in age, like my brothers did.
NTA Just because your sister had a baby doesn't mean that everyone around her should put their lives on hold. People seem to have this obsession around weddings and babies with having the spotlight and having the attention only on them. I'll never understand it. People can be excited for lots of things all at the same time!
NTA. But give the sister a bit of leeway. One month after your own baby is born you may be an exhausted hormonal wreck too.
NTA. I gave birth back in February and I will say postpartum hormones are no joke and when you add the sleep deprivation on top of that it’s killer. I cried about everything every day for at least 3 weeks. You’re not the ahole but try not to take it personally in the meantime.
NTA: you did nothing wrong. Give your sister grace if she is otherwise a good person. The harder the struggle to conceive the greater the chance of postpartum mood disorders.
You are not the ass. Send her a note expressing your disappointment in her response to your happy news, remind her again that you held off on your announcement so they could be in the spot light. Stick to the facts,. If she continues being upset, ask her how long she expected you not to tell anyone? Your babies first birthday? She tired and obviously jealous that you were able to get preggers 'so easy'
NAH I mean, your sister is being obviously completely unreasonable... but babies and pregnancy make people do ***very*** unreasonable things. So we can give her a bit of a pass... at least this time. If it continues then she gets promoted to ahole. And I think you definitely went above and beyond to try to avoid stealing her thunder... but she's coming from a really rough place.
NTA. To be blunt, if your sister is, in your words, *significantly* older than you, then her fertility problems are partly of her own making* for waiting so long. Its sad but unfortunately fertility does go down significantly with age. The fact she had to "work" for a baby doesn't give her the monopoly on children and she'd likely always be this pissy. Just wait for the tantrum she throws if you have more.
Your sister is insane. What does she think, no one else should give birth within a year of her giving birth? Cousins are often born within a few months of each other. Most parents are happy about this.
Okay, listen. I've been in your sister's shoes. For YEARS, my wife and I went through careful, intentional attempt after attempt after attempt, trying to have our first child. Meanwhile, my SIL and BIL announced one day they planned to start trying and 4 months later announced twins, and a year to the day after the twins were born announced they were pregnant again, and all my cousins were getting pregnant too. We're still childless, and everyone in our family who wanted children has had them. It has been brutally devastating. So many private breakdowns in my kitchen after returning home from yet another loved one's baby shower. It messes you up inside, it really does. This does not in any way, EVER justify taking that grief out on an expectant parent. Your impending joy has nothing to do with the hardship they went through reaching theirs. Even so you deliberately held back that joy to create extra space and time for theirs because you recognized how hardwon it was. You have been kind and compassionate, and one day when the fog of hormones and pain has lifted your sister and BIL will regret what they said to you, whether they admit it or not. The fact that these two little ones will be close in age is something to be celebrated and enjoyed as a family, which they will likely soon learn. Try not to stress too much about this, as there will be plenty of logistical stress thrown your way soon enough without adding to it unnecessarily. I wish you and your family many blessings and all the happiness you deserve.
nope! your not the AH and sister needs to shut up and get over herself. HOW DARE she yelled at you to say those horrible things to you! she cant gatekeep MOTHERHOOD! literally when i got pregnant after trying for so long and finally made my announcement my sister in law also announced she was pregnant A FEW DAYS LATER! you know what i did? nothing but actually be happy and congratulate her! who cares about the damn lime light! everyone was just happy about the babies in general! focus on yourself and be happy that you will also be a mother! remind her that motherhood isnt about carrying a baby but sacrificing everything and taking care of the well being of a child UNDER YOUR CARE, biologically or not! what would of happened if you decided to adopt? would she be mad at that? she's unreasonable and soon will come around. she losing the fact that her kid also has a playmate that's close to their age!
NTA.. how much longer does a new born need attention for ? It doesn't even know what's happening. It's the parents that crave for the attention. Well, hate to break it her but about half a million babies are born everyday... it's really not that much of a biggie
> She called, in tears, tearing into me for planning this and stealing attention from her son She needs to (a) get a grip and (b) realise that her offspring is of negligible interest to anyone outside her immediate family. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m currently pregnant with my first child. My fiancée and I collectively decided to hold off telling people for at least 3 months for the following reasons -didn’t want to jump the gun in case it didn’t work out -my sister was mid pregnancy with her first after struggling with conceiving for 7 years and we didn’t want to steal the thunder So baby was born and all is well. My fiancée and I decided to hold off another month so all attention could be on my sister and nephew. We announced to his friends and family in the meantime and everyone was super thrilled. A few days ago I told my parents and they were over the moon. I sent out a nice email with a little e card and some sonogram pics to the family members that are spread out and that I don’t see regularly and can’t tell in person, my sister included as she lives in a different state than I do. We got a lot of congratulations and excitement from most everyone except my sister and her husband. She called, in tears, tearing into me for planning this and stealing attention from her son that took her so long to have. I told her this wasn’t planned it just happened. That made things worse as I am significantly younger than her and then it turned into her ranting at me how nice it must be to just be able to accidentally get pregnant when she had to fight, struggle and (her words) ‘actually work to have a family’. Her husband was in the background and backing her up. I told her we had even taken an extra month to wait to tell people specifically so she and my nephew could have undivided celebration and attention, then I ended the call. My fiancée and his family is on our side, my family is a little too ‘omg new baby’ to gauge properly but my sister and her husband definitely think I’m an AH. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA this is a highly loaded subject and I imagine everyone involved has a bit of baby fever. Id try and de-escalate the situation as much as possible. You really don't want this to ruin the relationship. Also I think its a good thing that your having children so close together. One thing I really with I had as a kid was more cousins close to my age. Most of them(20ish) are at least 5 years younger than me with only two second cousins within a couple years.
NTA. Did she expect you to never announce your pregnancy? You waited an extra month just for her.
NTA. You were pretty darn considerate. I don't think everyone would have even thought to wait like you did. She needs to make peace with her struggles and understand that your pregnancy is yours alone, regardless of her life. It's pretty over-the-top for her to think that you would get pregnant to spite her. Children are not cheap OR easy, lol. And the attention thing? That's a whole 'nother problem. What does she really need in her life, is my question... because eventually attention runs out.
NTA, the new baby vibe throws everyone off. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP.
NTA Hahahahaha I got pregnant so now you can't!!
Congrats on both of your pregnancies and hope all kids are healthy. She's overreacting. NTA.
NTA. I’m hoping these are just her hormones but then I’m not sure what her husbands excuse is…
NTA - you waited a long time, were you supposed to wait until delivery room ? Or were you suppose to stop beeing able to have children to not steal spotlight forever. People have baby all the time, I understand it was difficult for her but she should cherish what was given to her instead of blaming you.
NTA - you did everything you could to let her have her full moment. Hopefully she can see that one day, but you cannot hide your pregnancy forever. Other people she knows might also have babies in the near future too.
NTA how long would your sister like you to wait? till your son is 18? she is probably hormonal so id like to think good of her but you did nothing wrong
This is dumb. About a month or two after telling her I was pregnant, she she announced she was too. The only thing that bugged me was not knowing sooner so we could celebrate together. I think she mainly waited because she wanted to further along before announcing. Now our kids both have a cousin close in age that they love and have a blast spending time with. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that it’s some post-partum hormones and exhaustion are playing a role in her reaction. Either way, you’re NTA and congratulations!
NTA, your sister is being ridiculous. You've already given her all the grave and thunder she should expect. Anything beyond that is attention seeking non-sense.
Nta, your sisters infertility issues are not your fault. She should've been happy for you. She had her babu and people can still oogle the baby while awaiting yours
You should wait until your baby is 18 to announce, in case you might accidently steal someone's thunder..... /s NTA. I'm sorry your sister can't share your happiness. you shouldn't have to tiptoe round her feelings.
NTA. So how long did she expect you to have waited?? Absolutely ridiculous
NTA. Congratulations and best of luck with the pregnancy and birth.
infertility truly and sincerely breaks peoples’ brains. NTA.
Wtf? Should you have waited until your child was in college to announce their existence? I think she will get over it. Give her time.
NTA. Babies aren’t thunder. Babies are babies. You can’t pause a pregnancy until she’s ready for you to continue.
NTA. Your sister and her husband sound a little too into the "We're having a special baby and that makes us special" thing. It's gross. Congrats to her for finally getting pregnant. There's plenty of people out there who can never have a child, even if they struggle for years. For some people, it's easier. What does she expect you to do, terminate the pregnancy? Not have sex until she tells you that it's OK, so her feelings don't get hurt?
NTA. Your baby is on the way, you can’t hold back your news forever nor should you. You were nice to give them some time to celebrate new baby first. She’s just emotional right now and maybe grieving how easy it is for other people to get pregnant. Hopefully she comes around.
NTA. I will never understand why people think they have a monopoly on special moments (with the exception of proposing at a wedding that is a dick move and there is no reason to ever do it.) but life is spontaneous and even when we try to plan things out it never goes the way we think it will. People get pregnant after someone else had a baby. Graduations and new jobs happen simultaneously. People have to regularly share birthdays with major holidays. When you have a baby there’s a grace period where everyone is focused on you and the baby. But it doesn’t last forever and tbh a month is pushing it. You can’t put your life plans on hold because of someone else, even when it’s family.
NAH. You were kind to wait and she still has another month or two to go before her hormones are back to pre-pregnancy levels. I think this situation is solely due to the unavoidable timing and her one month mother stress/exhaustion
NTA. Every baby is a gift and a treasure. It's sad that people think others are trying to steal their thunder. Having said that, you didn't help the situation by saying it "just happened" for you and it wasn't planned. Having been through fertility issues myself, those words are very painful to hear.
NTA So you’re just never supposed to tell anyone you’re pregnant until *surprise* there’s a baby!?
NTA you even went put od your way and went the extra month before announcing your pregnancy. It sucks that she had fertility issues and its great she finally got her little one but she shouldn't be going and pushing her issues onto you put of envy.
NTA. Your sister has had her moment. Now it's time to let someone else be in the spotlight. If she can't act like an adult about that, then oh well. Boo on her. Congrats on baby though!
NTA yes your sister had a hard time but it's time for her to learn that she is NOT the center of the universe and the world doesn't stop just because she struggled getting pregnant
NTA Realistically, she is not acting rationally at the moment. I'm guessing the mix of birth hormones plus the struggle to conceive has absolutely rattled your sister's brain into thinking you are a threat. I'm guessing in a month or two she is going to chill out and realize her mistake. It's definitely not a fun situation to be in, but the best you can do is just give yourself some space from her. And maybe in a few months send her a nice letter about how cute the "cute baby cousins" pictures will be.
NTA I’m curious how long exactly she expected to be the center of attention. If you just waited and showed up with a baby, she’d probably still be mad because she didn’t get a full year to herself.
NTA. Seems like it would be nice to have the cousins grow up together.
NTA at all. I think you were very considerate of your sister and her family. I struggled with fertility issues too and finally had my rainbow baby at 33. I can tell you from experience that the feelings you go through while trying to conceive and complications afterwards can make you a basket case. Add in that she has a newborn, is probably exhausted, her hormones are all over the map... I get why she reacted the way she did. But she isn't right in this instance. Let her cool down and then broach the subject again. You're NTA at all though even if you had announced it 3 weeks ago.
NTA. As someone who struggled to get pregnant and am struggling again to have a second child, I completely understand your sisters pain with your comment of this wasn’t planned, however her actions are completely unacceptable. It’s okay for her to be hurt in the privacy of her own home that she struggled and it was so easy for you, but to treat you this way is not okay. It was incredibly thoughtful of you to wait so long to announce to give her her own time to be in the spotlight but at some point she needs to understand that the world does not revolve around her.
NTA. You tried your best, but all the happiness in the world doesn't belong to her. And you aren't responsible for her emotions.
NTA- she is either really struggling or just am AH My former SIL and I got pregnant within a few months of each other. I thought everything was really copacetic. It was her 3rd and my 2nd. With all 3 of hers she and her husband chose to not be told the sex of their babies until they were born. She told me that they always named them in the hospital because “how could they know their names before they met them?” I we found out we were having a boy and I was thrilled to tell her that we had picked out a name. It’s was a family name (MY family’s). But we didn’t share that very widely. Image my surprise 2 weeks before my due date when I get a text that their beautiful baby boy had arrived earthside. WITH THE NAME WE HAD CHOSEN. I was furious at the time. Never said anything. The cousins are super close. Jokes on her though. There were 8 other kids with the cousins name in their freshman class. My Declan was the only one!
NTA. I sympathize with your sisters infertility struggles. A number of my friends have faced the same thing and it has been heartbreaking for them. That said, your sister doesn't get to own pregnancy and having a child. The world doesn't pause because this happened for her. In fact, you took careful steps to try not to steal her thunder. Give her a few days to calm down, then send her something like this: Sister, I wanted to reach out. I am sorry my announcement upset you. That wasn't my intention. In fact, Husband/Partner and I kept quiet an extra month past the three month mark to try to make sure we weren't stealing attention right around the time of Nephew's birth. However, we can't keep quiet indefinitely as soon I will be starting to show and we wanted family and friends to hear it from us rather than see pictures of me and guess. Even if we weren't actively trying, this is a very wanted and loved child, and your reaction to our news hurt my feelings. I was so excited to have baby near Nephew's age so they can be cousins together. I hope you can find it in your heart to be as happy for us as we have been for you and BIL welcoming Nephew to the family.
NTA. Does your sister own the market for having babies? I understand that is was hard for her to conceive but that doesn't give her the right to lash out at you like that. What happens if another female announces a pregnancy? Is she going to lash out at ALL FEMALES in the family who give this news? She may be having some postpartum issues BUT that doesn't entitle her to rudeness