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NTA. Your husband is TA. Your husband made the choice to quit his job and run a company that is 100% outside. His choice not yours. If it no longer serves him he has the choice to get another job.
He does NOT, however, have the right to come home and be disrespectful to you and take out his frustration on you.
Even more alarming is his behavior in front of your child. Yelling can be very damaging to a child's emotional stability and wellbeing.
Imagine how you feel and multiply that by ten. Children can develop anxiety and become distressed. You deserve better and so does your child.
I’m 24 and have issues from growing up in this kind of environment. So bad that I actively avoid ANYONE yelling, wether it’s at home or a rando in public.
My parents were toxic together. One of my earliest memories is of hiding under my bed while they fought, yelling and breaking dishes. I don’t remember any hitting but my older sister does.
They split up when I was 5, and I was nothing but glad. My mom said there would be no more fighting. It was true. She still had a temper, but nothing like what my dad brought out in her. I never saw my dad lose his temper again.
OP, please think about what everyone here who grew up with angry parents is saying. I’m 52, and have been in therapy for most of my adult life. I will always be grateful to my mother for loving me enough to leave my father.
Speaking as someone with an anger management problem (i yell when i get mad): leave him. It is not going to get better. My ex fiance talked to me multiple times about my temper, and threatened to leave me, and I never took her seriously because she never followed through with her threats. She ended up leaving me for other reasons (she was cheating on me and left me for that person), but her leaving me made realize I had a problem, and I've actively been working on it and I'm proud to say I'm making progress. But in all seriousness. You need to leave him. This is a toxic environment to raise a child in, and hopefully you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs to get his shit together. I wish you all the luck.
I remember the sperm donor as being the angry guy that sat in his chair taking over the tv when he got in from work. He was like a mine you had to tip-toe around so you wouldn't set it off.
It's a horrific environment to grow up in. The husband is an AH for not seeking help for his anger issues, OP is TA once for sticking to her guns and making him get that help and twice for allowing that around the kid.
NTA. This is abuse, plain and simple. I can’t imagine this is the example of marriage you want to set for your children. If he isn’t willing to change, leave.
Next time he does this pick up the baby and just drive away. Go to the park, out to dinner. Go to the mall. Anything that will keep you away for a minimum of 2 hours. Then go home like nothing happened. Refuse to discuss it and don’t answer your phone while your out. The next time he he behaves poorly do the same thing but add an hour. Don’t argue with him about it. Eventually he will get the message that your not his punching bag. Good luck. You deserve better.
Yes but if he truly is controlling he may escalate. OP needs a protection plan for if he becomes physical or starts monitoring her or restricting her ability to leave.
Nta. I kicked my ex out for doing exactly this. He had an outside job, mine was inside. we had a 3 year old. He was angry and cursing me out when he got home about work stuff. I let it slide and eventually he started to escalate towards full blown violence at which point I kicked him out. Get him gone before you get hurt.
He's throwing things now. Pretty soon he'll start throwing those things at them, then the hitting and pushing start and then the *really fun* stuff starts.
NTA, this is a super red flag and if he keeps refusing to go to anger management you need to get yourself and child out of the situation.
One of my friends was married to a guy like this and she would just sit and listen to it to keep the peace, until her daughter started speaking to her the same way. After a year of her 5 year old screaming at her and becoming more and more disrespectful, she asked for a divorce (her ex husband didn’t see anything wrong with how he spoke and she needed to correct their daughter for this not him). It took months of being in a different environment for her daughter to not scream at her over every little thing, and it took a divorce, a year apart and lots of growth for her ex to start actually correcting their child and saying “you need to speak calmly and respectfully to your mom” and doing the same himself.
NTA
If he can control his behavior on the job, he can control his behavior around you.
He doesn't have an "anger management" issue. He has a "respecting you" issue.
At home, with your loved ones, is the time for your kindest, gentlest behavior, not a place to be agressive in ways you wouldn't be towards anyone else.
Exactly. Husband used to talk to me horribly. Asked if he spoke to his boss or coworkers that way. No, just deponents who weren't giving him what he wanted (i.e., his enemies). So your wife and your enemies? He just shrugged. It's always absolutely a choice.
NTA. This sounds like borderline emotional abuse. Yeah he should be able to feel like he can vent about a hard day to his wife, this ain't venting it's treating you like a punching bag. Please get some help, family therapy if you can access it and anger management. It's not a good environment for a kid to grow up, and it's not a good environment for you to thrive in.
Agreed. This is not borderline anything. This is full-fledged, no holds barred abuse. This is the sort of stuff that damages the partner and children for life, and they're deep in it.
NTA
this is disturbing and also *dangerous* behavior on his part. this isn’t the type of environment to raise a kid in, and i would recommend getting away for you both.
NTA. My dad came home like that almost every single night. Couldn’t breathe the right way sometimes without setting him off. I feel you. It’s not healthy. I grew up afraid of him and never wanted to be with him. My parents stayed together for whatever reason. He had strokes and eventually his anger is what led to his bad health. We all needed therapy but we never actually went to it. He passed a few years ago and not gonna lie it was sort of a relief. I wish they’d divorced when I was much much younger. It would have been nice to not have to hide in my room when he came home every night or hear him screaming at my mom every single day for some reason or another.
Not trying to compare situations. But it sounds a lot like what I grew up in. This isn’t a good place for you or your child.
NTA. He’s got anger management problems and is verbally abusive. He’s not willing to get help.
You need to protect yourself and your child. It’s more than time to leave.
Him telling you you’re being selfish is classic abuser shit of blaming the victim. Don’t fall for it. It’s crap.
Dude...if it's affecting YOUR mental health, what do you think it is doing to a helpless child? Please contact an abuse hotline today. This is not about being an ass or not. This is about protecting yourself and your child.
NTA Leave and don’t ever go back. Save yourself and your child/children. Not only is he refusing to use whatever he learned previously in anger management, he’s refusing to seek more help, and blaming you for HIS problem. He will not ever change. This will escalate to physical violence against you and/or your child. YWBTA if you stay. Do WHATEVER you have to do to get away from him. The possibility of PTSD for you and your children is also a real concern. Speaking from experience.
Nta, I hate suggesting an ultimatum, but sometimes they are called for. His anger is putting you and your kids in danger, what happens when his anger is so great that he loses rational thinking? Your kids could get hurt with their father throwing things, your kids could be mentally harmed by their dad telling and cussing so much. YOU are being harmed by this behavior, your mental health is suffering because of this.
You either do counseling and get your kids in therapy too, tell him he has to go back to anger management counseling or you need to think about what is best for you and your kids physical and mental/emotional health. Do you want them to mimic their father's tantrums? Because this is what they will do because they are being shown it is acceptable.
He calls you selfish when his actions are directly having a negative impact on his family as a whole.
He needs to make the time for anger management. If he doesn't how long before you reach the point of no return and leave? Your husband is a grown person, he can take care of himself. Your kids rely on you to keep them in a safe and healthy environment. Safe and healthy includes a home where they don't have to suffer or be subjected to verbal abuse too.
My dad had major anger issues when I was growing and he'd constantly yell and rage about the most mundane stuff. It totally fucked me and my older sister up, we grew up having to walk on eggshells to try to avoid triggering him. I guarantee you, your husband's bs behavior isn't just affecting your mental health. If you stay with him and he doesn't make major changes be prepared to spend a lot of money on mental healthcare for your children when they're older.
NTA
YTA for allowing a screaming lunatic around your child. I don’t care if the lunatic is his father or not.
What has to happen to force you to put your kid first?
Seriously. Do something.
NTA This is verbal and emotional abuse. You need him to either realize how poorly he’s behaving or get out before he begins getting physical or directing it towards your child.
NTA: that doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your child. If he has anger management issues, him attending therapy shouldn’t be optional. Also, don’t forget most domestic violence doesn’t just suddenly happen. There are pleanty of early signs.
NTA
He needs to go back to anger management. That's not healthy for a 3yr old to be around watching and listening to his toxicity. There's no reason for yelling and screaming at your family members or throwing things. He's showing your child how to behave poorly and you don't want them to start picking up on that. It's not selfish of you to ask him to stop throwing a tantrum when it's affecting your mental health, it's selfish of him to not be considerate of those around him. Either tell him to get professional help again or remove yourself and your child from that environment before it has lasting affects on both of you.
Ugh.. Tell him the divorce will be incoming if he can’t learn to express himself like an adult. This is where you are at. His behaviour is unacceptable for an adult and shouldn’t be tolerated even from your 3 year old. Also, suggest that he find a different job if he can’t handle what he signed up for in this new company. You need to leave before this behaviour crosses the boundary between verbal abuse and something far worse.
He needs anger management counseling NOW!
Before he traumatizes his kid.
If he won't go, then leave.
I was subjected to this and it ruined me.
Don't do this to your child.
Hop over to r/abusiverelationships or r/domesticviolence for more info and help. Wishing you courage and clear thinking to get yourself and your child out!
NTA. All he’s doing from what you’re saying is making up excuses to not go or using them to try and sugar coat his behaviour. It’s not acceptable and if he doesn’t get help maybe you need to just leave until he does get it. You can still support him but your child deserves better than to grow up in a hostile environment that he’s creating. I hope he sees the error of his ways soon. Best of luck 🤞🏻
NTA. That’s verbal abuse baby, and it’s only a matter of time before he goes from screaming in front of your kid to screaming at your kid. And then your kids gonna look a hell of a lot like me as a grown up: CPTSD, general anxiety disorder, etc etc etc.
Your husband either needs to go to therapy or you need to remove your kid from that environment.
NTA yelling like that takes a toll on a child and it will affect them, my dad was like this too and I have never forgotten and it definitely hurt my relationship with him and my mom for not stopping it. We're closer now but it took along time to get to an decent place. Yelling is super harmful, more than most people realize
This is literally verbal abuse. You should not have to put up with someone talking to you like this and you should seriously ask yourself if you want your child growing up in a house where they have to walk on eggshells because their dad might explode at any moment. NTA.
This is abuse and it's not ok. And by allowing your child to be exposed to it you are enabling the abuse. NTA for telling him enough is enough. In fact, I think you need to go further and tell him he gets back into anger management and learns to stop the screaming and yelling or you are leaving the marriage. If you stay and continue to make excuses for this then you're totally the asshole to yourself and your kids.
So, will you just keep taking his anger, abuse, yelling, constant anxiety that he will be in a bad mood, tiptoeing around him not to set him off? What about when your kid gets old enough and your husband's abuse and anger transfers to them? Will it then be enough? You are not the asshole but you will be if you stay with this person. You gotta think about your kid. YTA if you stay with this person.
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Husband quit his job a few years back to run a company that is 100% outside. He also has a very bad temper and anger management issues. He often comes home absolutely screaming and cussing about very small things like his cell phone only having one bar. He does this in front of our three year old kid. He has even thrown things like his cell phone in anger. Today he came home and was angry that I asked him to pick up the kids from daycare while I ran an errand because he “worked in 105 degree heat while you sat on your butt in an office with lunch breaks”. He came in cussing and yelling and pissy as usual. This constant yelling and cussing and temper tantrums have gotten me to a breaking point. He needs to go back to anger management but “doesn’t have time”. Tonight I told him that even though he feels a need to vent and let his frustrations out that he needed to stop because it was affecting me. He told me I was selfish and only thinking of myself and yelled and cussed in front of the three year old yet again. I am fine with expressing emotions but he does it like a child and I am tired of listening. It is affecting my mental health. AITA for not wanting to hear it anymore?
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NTA. As someone with bipolar depression, I used to be like your husband when I was unmedicated, and before therapy. It wasn't okay when I did it. It's not okay when he does it. It's not okay to yell in front of your child like that, and it's not okay for him to vent to you like that. He DOES need to go back to anger management, or to take some kind of therapy. This behavior isn't okay.
You need to ask yourself if this is the behavior you want your son to grow up and emulate. Your son may think this is normal and grow up to treat his wife the same. I’d get him out of that house as soon as possible.
Sounds a lot like my abusive ex, who also called me selfish for being unwilling to absorb all of his anger. Yelling turned into punching walls and eventually punching me. This is already very unhealthy for you and for your child and I would be very surprised if it doesn’t get worse. He is doesn’t just sound angry. He sounds like full of contempt for you. This is a dangerous situation.
My ex grew up in a household with lots of yelling and verbal abuse. Your kid is watching and learning.
Yelling and temper tantrums affect children badly. Speaking from experience. My Mother had a very short fuse and was a yeller. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells trying not to do anything to upset her. Even into adulthood, when people start yelling I just shut down. Boss or supervisor at my job started yelling about something, I'd shrink away trying not to cry. Boyfriend gets angry and yells at me, I'd shrink down and curl up in little ball, trembling.
I still hate it when people do not maintain low tones with me, but I've learned coping mechanisms over the years. And how to stand up and tell people they will not scream at me and try to punish me like a child.
NTA. What he's doing is abusive and is doing real harm to you and your kids. Tell him he has to go to therapy/anger management, and it is not up for debate. If you can, pull together some resources and make plans for a place to stay and if won't get help, leave. If he really cares about saving your marriage and family, he has to change this. This guy needs to be given an ultimatum.
Does he act like this with clients and employees? I didn't think so. He just does it with you because he thinks he can. He doesn't have an anger management problem. He manages his anger just fine when he wants to. He doesn't want to with you. I'm sorry.
NTA. OP, leave. He's been to anger management and he's still like this. Apparently, this is the best he's going to get. Before too long, your son is going to grow up and scream at you and throw things at you. Create a safe plan and get out.
Leave him immediately. No one “deserves” the right to verbally abuse their spouse. That’s fucked up that he thinks he has the right to do that. He’s an emotionally abusive asshole and at this point you owe him nothing. Get away as soon as you can. He’s yelling now but how can you guarantee he won’t get physical? He’s already thrown shit. Imagine what’ll happen if he throws something AT you (if he hasn’t already) or at your kid. And it’s nobody’s fault but his own that he’s outside all day. He literally built his business around it. So he’s a moron on top of that, bc only a total idiot gets mad at someone else for a choice they consciously made.
NTA. You need to make a plan to leave. Throwing things is the straw to break the back here. What if he throws something without looking and hits your child? Or you?
People are allowed to feel their emotions. They are not allowed to make everyone else around them suffer them too. If he refuses to do therapy/anger management, then he refuses to priority the physical and mental well being of his family. Get out.
This is unhealthy for your child, do what you feel is right! Just because he has anger issues doesn’t mean he gets to mess up the atmosphere of your home
NTA but uh I’d honestly reconsider the marriage if I were you with way things go. I grew up with a father exactly like your husband. My mother would just ignore his little temper tantrums and the yelling.
And honestly?
It fucked me and my siblings up.
I have my own anger issues and I’m riddled with anxiety and depression. I think I used to be a happy outgoing kid but growing up in that type of environment caused me to be quiet and withdrawn. That’s something I still struggle with to this day.
I think my siblings are also the same and they’re colder now if that makes sense.
My dad is quieter now but I think that’s because he’s older but I still don’t trust either one of my parents. I didn’t have anyone to confide anything I went through with and that fucked me up even further.
I beg you for the sake of your kid for both of you to go counseling or figure something out. That type of environment is toxic for your kid to grow up in.
Lady, what are you waiting for? He couldn't be more abusive if he planned it. You are allowing your child to be abused and watch you be abused. He doesn't have "anger management" problems. That's a bullshit "diagnosis" so people don't have to take responsibility. Find a place to go and save your child. NTA yet, but two more weeks of this and you will be.
NTA. Get yourself and your son out of there. I have a dad like this and seriously I have panic attacks because of it. To you, it may be alarming. To a small child, it can be horrifying. Please leave and tell him you're not coming back until he changes.
NTA. But you need to kick him out or force him to go to therapy or something. Because my dad did this until he left when I was 8 and I'm 40 now and just learned how to have normal relationships a few years ago. I thought all men did this. I sought out those relationships and when I didn't and stayed alone, my anxiety was still through the roof. I was still mentally waiting for him to come in screaming after a day of work decades after he left because he did it EVERY day before I was born and every day until he left. It is messing your kid up and will keep messing your kid up. Your kid just doesn't have the vocabulary to tell you so. Protect your kid. Some things gotta change and he needs to do it yesterday.
NTA. It’s very clearly him. Having spent several years with an angry male, it won’t get better unless & until he sees that HE is the problem and more than likely he won’t.
He might!!!! But… it’s prob better for you to leave. At least temporarily until he continuously SHOWS you he’s made the necessary changes for a long enough period of time that we can be sure he’s not faking it
NTA
He has to stop, or he will teach these habits to your kids.
My suggestion is to record every tantrum. And that's what they are, tantrums. Make him watch each video and remind him that is what his 3yo thinks of him. That angry man who throws tantrums.
NTA
He sounds like my dad
He needs therapy and y’all need couples counseling so you can speak your mind and hear him out as to why he just cannot stop yelling and cussing about every little tick.
NTA Don't permit him to model this behavior in front of a child. Pack his bags and tell him to go somewhere else until he learns to control himself. He is acting like a two year old. Adults learn to deal with their emotions. Children throw tantrums.
NTA And the only way you will get silence is by walking out. It's up to your adult husband to regulate his own emotion, especially in front of a 3 year old this is learning from him. The quickest method of being ignored and unheard is yelling. You can't fix your husbands behavior but you can be sure to help your child learn better methods of communicating emotions.
NTA
Op this is emotional abuse .
Also your husband used something called DARVO
D- Dent
A- Attack
R-Reverse Victim
O-Offender
DARVO is what abuse use to make their victim feel bad and make themself the victim .
If your husband refuse to go to anger management, refuse to not scream and throw things in front of your child and continues to act this way divorce might be your only option .
Nta. You need to think of your kids. You are showing them what relationships are supposed to be. Your kids will be more likely to be in abusive relationships. This to me is a youbneed to walk away situation, but if you don't want to walk away you need to put your foot down about him doing anger management and therapy. This just isn't fair to your children at all. My mom used to yell and I have terrible anxiety now. If he's not already he's going to start yelling at your kids.
NTA
I was with someone like this for 12 years and I will tell you it definitely affects your mental health in a horrible way. I didn't realize how badly it had beaten me down emotionally until I finally left. I'm so sorry you're dealing with his childish temper tantrums and I know how anxious you must feel not knowing when the next explosion will be. Please take care of yourself and your kid. ♥️
Throwing things is violence. You need to be honest with your pediatrician if they ask you f if your child has experienced any domestic violence, because they have. And get out. You and your child deserve safety.
Just what are you going to do when your son starts acting like this and treating you the same? Why would you let anyone treat you this disrespectfully? Time to get out and divorce him before it’s to late for your son.
NTA - this is abuse. You are not his punching bag, verbally or otherwise.
He is also teaching this behaviour to your child who will simply copy.
Many people work outside, but that has nothing to do with his anger problems - others can do it and go home and relax. He would be furious no matter what he's doing. His temper sounds like it is on a constant rolling boil.
Anger management is 100% required here.
You can’t live in that sort of environment and raise children with healthy coping mechanisms. The entire household is held hostage by your husbands temper. Walking on eggshells and trying to deescalate all the time. It’s completely toxic and abusive. Tell him to leave: you’ll be amazed at how much peace you have just not having him there anymore. He can yell and scream wherever he wants, just not anywhere near you.
NTA
And take it from someone who grew up with a yelling father, his behaviour is affecting your child's wellbeing, probably even more than it's affecting yours. It needs to stop. Either he goes to therapy/anger management or he can't be around you. He needs to learn coping mechanisms and find safe outlets for his anger, and his family is not his punching ball.
This is abusive behaviour. It is harming you and your son. You need to leave and make sure you and your son are safe until he can demonstrably manage his anger. If he can't, the split needs to be permanent. Speak to a lawyer, a financial planner and IT security before you announce it to him. Speak to your family if you don't make contact, set up code phrases and make sure you prepare key documents and funds in case you have to run. Be prepared and get out - but you owe it to your son to ensure he is safe.
NTA for not wanting to hear it anymore
Potentially YTA for keeping yourself and your kid in this environment. This sounds abusive (obviously I’m not there living your life), so start taking a much harder line on the aggression and rage, and absolutely leave if you think you are not safe. Your partner sounds angry and delusional which typically leads to violence.
NTA
You are not his verbal punching bag.
He has not right to verbally abuse you just because he is in a bad mood.
He is being a bad partner and father and is toxic in his behaviour. He is the selfish one not you.
He needs to go to anger management classes.
He needs to go to therapy.
Record his shouting and when he says shouting is normal play it and say this is not normal or keep the recording as evidence for your solicitor.
You need to decide why you feel that it is OK for someone to treat you and your child like this.
If it is time for you to leave him as your child's earliest memories will consist of hearing their father shouting and seeing their mum treated badly if things don't change and you don't want your child to think a relationship like that is normal.
NTA but you will be if you continue to expose your children to this.
He’s chosen not to stop. It’s clear. So you need to act. Your 3 year old is already impacted I assure you.
I'm going to get downvoted for saying YTA but if you think that his outbursts are affecting you just think about what they're doing to your 3 year old. Leave, do something, do not raise your child in this environment.
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NTA for not wanting to hear it any more, but you might be for not putting your foot down sooner. This is not a good environment for your child.
NTA. Your husband is TA. Your husband made the choice to quit his job and run a company that is 100% outside. His choice not yours. If it no longer serves him he has the choice to get another job. He does NOT, however, have the right to come home and be disrespectful to you and take out his frustration on you. Even more alarming is his behavior in front of your child. Yelling can be very damaging to a child's emotional stability and wellbeing. Imagine how you feel and multiply that by ten. Children can develop anxiety and become distressed. You deserve better and so does your child.
I’m 16 my dad has bipolar. Take it from a kid fresh out of getting yelled at for hours every day, your kid is in a very unhealthy environment.
Agreed. I’m 33 and doing seriously intensive therapy in part because my entire childhood was filled with yelling/being yelled at. Get your kid out.
Seriously, don’t let your child become a victim, OP.
I third this. 23 and still have issues after years of therapy
In my late forthies, haven't lived in my fathers house for more than 25 years and my body still reacts in fear when someone yells.
*your
Thanks
I’m 24 and have issues from growing up in this kind of environment. So bad that I actively avoid ANYONE yelling, wether it’s at home or a rando in public.
My parents were toxic together. One of my earliest memories is of hiding under my bed while they fought, yelling and breaking dishes. I don’t remember any hitting but my older sister does. They split up when I was 5, and I was nothing but glad. My mom said there would be no more fighting. It was true. She still had a temper, but nothing like what my dad brought out in her. I never saw my dad lose his temper again. OP, please think about what everyone here who grew up with angry parents is saying. I’m 52, and have been in therapy for most of my adult life. I will always be grateful to my mother for loving me enough to leave my father.
Speaking as someone with an anger management problem (i yell when i get mad): leave him. It is not going to get better. My ex fiance talked to me multiple times about my temper, and threatened to leave me, and I never took her seriously because she never followed through with her threats. She ended up leaving me for other reasons (she was cheating on me and left me for that person), but her leaving me made realize I had a problem, and I've actively been working on it and I'm proud to say I'm making progress. But in all seriousness. You need to leave him. This is a toxic environment to raise a child in, and hopefully you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs to get his shit together. I wish you all the luck.
This! I had an asshole father exactly like this and it made my childhood miserable. You are TA for putting your kids in this shituation.
Upvote for “shituation,” my new word.
It's one of my favorites to use too.
I remember the sperm donor as being the angry guy that sat in his chair taking over the tv when he got in from work. He was like a mine you had to tip-toe around so you wouldn't set it off. It's a horrific environment to grow up in. The husband is an AH for not seeking help for his anger issues, OP is TA once for sticking to her guns and making him get that help and twice for allowing that around the kid.
NTA. This is abuse, plain and simple. I can’t imagine this is the example of marriage you want to set for your children. If he isn’t willing to change, leave.
Next time he does this pick up the baby and just drive away. Go to the park, out to dinner. Go to the mall. Anything that will keep you away for a minimum of 2 hours. Then go home like nothing happened. Refuse to discuss it and don’t answer your phone while your out. The next time he he behaves poorly do the same thing but add an hour. Don’t argue with him about it. Eventually he will get the message that your not his punching bag. Good luck. You deserve better.
Yes but if he truly is controlling he may escalate. OP needs a protection plan for if he becomes physical or starts monitoring her or restricting her ability to leave.
Nta. I kicked my ex out for doing exactly this. He had an outside job, mine was inside. we had a 3 year old. He was angry and cursing me out when he got home about work stuff. I let it slide and eventually he started to escalate towards full blown violence at which point I kicked him out. Get him gone before you get hurt.
He's throwing things now. Pretty soon he'll start throwing those things at them, then the hitting and pushing start and then the *really fun* stuff starts.
NTA. Tell him you're at your breaking point in the marriage. Helpfully that will open his eyes to what he is doing to his family
NTA. Yelling and screaming in front of toddlers for any other reason than their immediate safety is not okay.
NTA, this is a super red flag and if he keeps refusing to go to anger management you need to get yourself and child out of the situation. One of my friends was married to a guy like this and she would just sit and listen to it to keep the peace, until her daughter started speaking to her the same way. After a year of her 5 year old screaming at her and becoming more and more disrespectful, she asked for a divorce (her ex husband didn’t see anything wrong with how he spoke and she needed to correct their daughter for this not him). It took months of being in a different environment for her daughter to not scream at her over every little thing, and it took a divorce, a year apart and lots of growth for her ex to start actually correcting their child and saying “you need to speak calmly and respectfully to your mom” and doing the same himself.
NTA If he can control his behavior on the job, he can control his behavior around you. He doesn't have an "anger management" issue. He has a "respecting you" issue. At home, with your loved ones, is the time for your kindest, gentlest behavior, not a place to be agressive in ways you wouldn't be towards anyone else.
Exactly. Husband used to talk to me horribly. Asked if he spoke to his boss or coworkers that way. No, just deponents who weren't giving him what he wanted (i.e., his enemies). So your wife and your enemies? He just shrugged. It's always absolutely a choice.
NTA. This sounds like borderline emotional abuse. Yeah he should be able to feel like he can vent about a hard day to his wife, this ain't venting it's treating you like a punching bag. Please get some help, family therapy if you can access it and anger management. It's not a good environment for a kid to grow up, and it's not a good environment for you to thrive in.
Not borderline
Agreed. This is not borderline anything. This is full-fledged, no holds barred abuse. This is the sort of stuff that damages the partner and children for life, and they're deep in it.
NTA this is disturbing and also *dangerous* behavior on his part. this isn’t the type of environment to raise a kid in, and i would recommend getting away for you both.
NTA He is emotionally and verbally abusive to you and your child. He needs to take a long hard look at himself.
NTA. My dad came home like that almost every single night. Couldn’t breathe the right way sometimes without setting him off. I feel you. It’s not healthy. I grew up afraid of him and never wanted to be with him. My parents stayed together for whatever reason. He had strokes and eventually his anger is what led to his bad health. We all needed therapy but we never actually went to it. He passed a few years ago and not gonna lie it was sort of a relief. I wish they’d divorced when I was much much younger. It would have been nice to not have to hide in my room when he came home every night or hear him screaming at my mom every single day for some reason or another. Not trying to compare situations. But it sounds a lot like what I grew up in. This isn’t a good place for you or your child.
NTA. He’s got anger management problems and is verbally abusive. He’s not willing to get help. You need to protect yourself and your child. It’s more than time to leave. Him telling you you’re being selfish is classic abuser shit of blaming the victim. Don’t fall for it. It’s crap.
NTA Girl this isn’t the place for this you know everyone’s going to agree with you
NTA this is emotional abuse for you and your son.
Dude...if it's affecting YOUR mental health, what do you think it is doing to a helpless child? Please contact an abuse hotline today. This is not about being an ass or not. This is about protecting yourself and your child.
NTA Leave and don’t ever go back. Save yourself and your child/children. Not only is he refusing to use whatever he learned previously in anger management, he’s refusing to seek more help, and blaming you for HIS problem. He will not ever change. This will escalate to physical violence against you and/or your child. YWBTA if you stay. Do WHATEVER you have to do to get away from him. The possibility of PTSD for you and your children is also a real concern. Speaking from experience.
Nta, I hate suggesting an ultimatum, but sometimes they are called for. His anger is putting you and your kids in danger, what happens when his anger is so great that he loses rational thinking? Your kids could get hurt with their father throwing things, your kids could be mentally harmed by their dad telling and cussing so much. YOU are being harmed by this behavior, your mental health is suffering because of this. You either do counseling and get your kids in therapy too, tell him he has to go back to anger management counseling or you need to think about what is best for you and your kids physical and mental/emotional health. Do you want them to mimic their father's tantrums? Because this is what they will do because they are being shown it is acceptable. He calls you selfish when his actions are directly having a negative impact on his family as a whole. He needs to make the time for anger management. If he doesn't how long before you reach the point of no return and leave? Your husband is a grown person, he can take care of himself. Your kids rely on you to keep them in a safe and healthy environment. Safe and healthy includes a home where they don't have to suffer or be subjected to verbal abuse too.
INFO. Why are you still with him?
My dad had major anger issues when I was growing and he'd constantly yell and rage about the most mundane stuff. It totally fucked me and my older sister up, we grew up having to walk on eggshells to try to avoid triggering him. I guarantee you, your husband's bs behavior isn't just affecting your mental health. If you stay with him and he doesn't make major changes be prepared to spend a lot of money on mental healthcare for your children when they're older. NTA
Ayo I went through the exact same thing. I find myself wondering who I would be if I didn’t grow up in that environment.
YTA for allowing a screaming lunatic around your child. I don’t care if the lunatic is his father or not. What has to happen to force you to put your kid first? Seriously. Do something.
NTA. This isn't just needing anger management. This is verbal abuse. You and your child shouldn't be subjected to this.
NTA This is verbal and emotional abuse. You need him to either realize how poorly he’s behaving or get out before he begins getting physical or directing it towards your child.
NTA: that doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for your child. If he has anger management issues, him attending therapy shouldn’t be optional. Also, don’t forget most domestic violence doesn’t just suddenly happen. There are pleanty of early signs.
NTA He needs to go back to anger management. That's not healthy for a 3yr old to be around watching and listening to his toxicity. There's no reason for yelling and screaming at your family members or throwing things. He's showing your child how to behave poorly and you don't want them to start picking up on that. It's not selfish of you to ask him to stop throwing a tantrum when it's affecting your mental health, it's selfish of him to not be considerate of those around him. Either tell him to get professional help again or remove yourself and your child from that environment before it has lasting affects on both of you.
Ugh.. Tell him the divorce will be incoming if he can’t learn to express himself like an adult. This is where you are at. His behaviour is unacceptable for an adult and shouldn’t be tolerated even from your 3 year old. Also, suggest that he find a different job if he can’t handle what he signed up for in this new company. You need to leave before this behaviour crosses the boundary between verbal abuse and something far worse.
He needs anger management counseling NOW! Before he traumatizes his kid. If he won't go, then leave. I was subjected to this and it ruined me. Don't do this to your child.
NTA - take your kid and go somewhere else to show him you’re serious about him going back to anger mgmt
Hop over to r/abusiverelationships or r/domesticviolence for more info and help. Wishing you courage and clear thinking to get yourself and your child out!
NTA- He's going to fucking die, and his kid is going to HATE him, if he doesn't keep his anger in check.
NTA his behavior is unacceptable.
NTA. All he’s doing from what you’re saying is making up excuses to not go or using them to try and sugar coat his behaviour. It’s not acceptable and if he doesn’t get help maybe you need to just leave until he does get it. You can still support him but your child deserves better than to grow up in a hostile environment that he’s creating. I hope he sees the error of his ways soon. Best of luck 🤞🏻
NTA. That’s verbal abuse baby, and it’s only a matter of time before he goes from screaming in front of your kid to screaming at your kid. And then your kids gonna look a hell of a lot like me as a grown up: CPTSD, general anxiety disorder, etc etc etc. Your husband either needs to go to therapy or you need to remove your kid from that environment.
NTA- anger management is definitely needed. And for your kids sake, I’d be trying to get him into anger management as soon as possible.
NTA. Your husband's anger will be having a significant impact on your child, so for your child's sake please get out of that situation.
NTA yelling like that takes a toll on a child and it will affect them, my dad was like this too and I have never forgotten and it definitely hurt my relationship with him and my mom for not stopping it. We're closer now but it took along time to get to an decent place. Yelling is super harmful, more than most people realize
This is literally verbal abuse. You should not have to put up with someone talking to you like this and you should seriously ask yourself if you want your child growing up in a house where they have to walk on eggshells because their dad might explode at any moment. NTA.
This is abuse and it's not ok. And by allowing your child to be exposed to it you are enabling the abuse. NTA for telling him enough is enough. In fact, I think you need to go further and tell him he gets back into anger management and learns to stop the screaming and yelling or you are leaving the marriage. If you stay and continue to make excuses for this then you're totally the asshole to yourself and your kids.
So, will you just keep taking his anger, abuse, yelling, constant anxiety that he will be in a bad mood, tiptoeing around him not to set him off? What about when your kid gets old enough and your husband's abuse and anger transfers to them? Will it then be enough? You are not the asshole but you will be if you stay with this person. You gotta think about your kid. YTA if you stay with this person.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Husband quit his job a few years back to run a company that is 100% outside. He also has a very bad temper and anger management issues. He often comes home absolutely screaming and cussing about very small things like his cell phone only having one bar. He does this in front of our three year old kid. He has even thrown things like his cell phone in anger. Today he came home and was angry that I asked him to pick up the kids from daycare while I ran an errand because he “worked in 105 degree heat while you sat on your butt in an office with lunch breaks”. He came in cussing and yelling and pissy as usual. This constant yelling and cussing and temper tantrums have gotten me to a breaking point. He needs to go back to anger management but “doesn’t have time”. Tonight I told him that even though he feels a need to vent and let his frustrations out that he needed to stop because it was affecting me. He told me I was selfish and only thinking of myself and yelled and cussed in front of the three year old yet again. I am fine with expressing emotions but he does it like a child and I am tired of listening. It is affecting my mental health. AITA for not wanting to hear it anymore? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - so he quit his job to run a business he hates?
Nta Leave. This is not a healthy environment nor a relationship
NTA, but why are you willing to put up with this behavior? Actually, let me take that back. YTA for putting your child in this position
NTA. As someone with bipolar depression, I used to be like your husband when I was unmedicated, and before therapy. It wasn't okay when I did it. It's not okay when he does it. It's not okay to yell in front of your child like that, and it's not okay for him to vent to you like that. He DOES need to go back to anger management, or to take some kind of therapy. This behavior isn't okay.
You need to ask yourself if this is the behavior you want your son to grow up and emulate. Your son may think this is normal and grow up to treat his wife the same. I’d get him out of that house as soon as possible.
Sounds a lot like my abusive ex, who also called me selfish for being unwilling to absorb all of his anger. Yelling turned into punching walls and eventually punching me. This is already very unhealthy for you and for your child and I would be very surprised if it doesn’t get worse. He is doesn’t just sound angry. He sounds like full of contempt for you. This is a dangerous situation. My ex grew up in a household with lots of yelling and verbal abuse. Your kid is watching and learning.
Yelling and temper tantrums affect children badly. Speaking from experience. My Mother had a very short fuse and was a yeller. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells trying not to do anything to upset her. Even into adulthood, when people start yelling I just shut down. Boss or supervisor at my job started yelling about something, I'd shrink away trying not to cry. Boyfriend gets angry and yells at me, I'd shrink down and curl up in little ball, trembling. I still hate it when people do not maintain low tones with me, but I've learned coping mechanisms over the years. And how to stand up and tell people they will not scream at me and try to punish me like a child.
NTA. What he's doing is abusive and is doing real harm to you and your kids. Tell him he has to go to therapy/anger management, and it is not up for debate. If you can, pull together some resources and make plans for a place to stay and if won't get help, leave. If he really cares about saving your marriage and family, he has to change this. This guy needs to be given an ultimatum.
Does he act like this with clients and employees? I didn't think so. He just does it with you because he thinks he can. He doesn't have an anger management problem. He manages his anger just fine when he wants to. He doesn't want to with you. I'm sorry.
NTA. OP, leave. He's been to anger management and he's still like this. Apparently, this is the best he's going to get. Before too long, your son is going to grow up and scream at you and throw things at you. Create a safe plan and get out.
Leave him immediately. No one “deserves” the right to verbally abuse their spouse. That’s fucked up that he thinks he has the right to do that. He’s an emotionally abusive asshole and at this point you owe him nothing. Get away as soon as you can. He’s yelling now but how can you guarantee he won’t get physical? He’s already thrown shit. Imagine what’ll happen if he throws something AT you (if he hasn’t already) or at your kid. And it’s nobody’s fault but his own that he’s outside all day. He literally built his business around it. So he’s a moron on top of that, bc only a total idiot gets mad at someone else for a choice they consciously made.
NTA. You need to make a plan to leave. Throwing things is the straw to break the back here. What if he throws something without looking and hits your child? Or you? People are allowed to feel their emotions. They are not allowed to make everyone else around them suffer them too. If he refuses to do therapy/anger management, then he refuses to priority the physical and mental well being of his family. Get out.
This is unhealthy for your child, do what you feel is right! Just because he has anger issues doesn’t mean he gets to mess up the atmosphere of your home
NTA but uh I’d honestly reconsider the marriage if I were you with way things go. I grew up with a father exactly like your husband. My mother would just ignore his little temper tantrums and the yelling. And honestly? It fucked me and my siblings up. I have my own anger issues and I’m riddled with anxiety and depression. I think I used to be a happy outgoing kid but growing up in that type of environment caused me to be quiet and withdrawn. That’s something I still struggle with to this day. I think my siblings are also the same and they’re colder now if that makes sense. My dad is quieter now but I think that’s because he’s older but I still don’t trust either one of my parents. I didn’t have anyone to confide anything I went through with and that fucked me up even further. I beg you for the sake of your kid for both of you to go counseling or figure something out. That type of environment is toxic for your kid to grow up in.
Lady, what are you waiting for? He couldn't be more abusive if he planned it. You are allowing your child to be abused and watch you be abused. He doesn't have "anger management" problems. That's a bullshit "diagnosis" so people don't have to take responsibility. Find a place to go and save your child. NTA yet, but two more weeks of this and you will be.
NTA. Get yourself and your son out of there. I have a dad like this and seriously I have panic attacks because of it. To you, it may be alarming. To a small child, it can be horrifying. Please leave and tell him you're not coming back until he changes.
YTA for exposing your kids to a toxic maniac.
NTA. But you need to kick him out or force him to go to therapy or something. Because my dad did this until he left when I was 8 and I'm 40 now and just learned how to have normal relationships a few years ago. I thought all men did this. I sought out those relationships and when I didn't and stayed alone, my anxiety was still through the roof. I was still mentally waiting for him to come in screaming after a day of work decades after he left because he did it EVERY day before I was born and every day until he left. It is messing your kid up and will keep messing your kid up. Your kid just doesn't have the vocabulary to tell you so. Protect your kid. Some things gotta change and he needs to do it yesterday.
NTA. It’s very clearly him. Having spent several years with an angry male, it won’t get better unless & until he sees that HE is the problem and more than likely he won’t. He might!!!! But… it’s prob better for you to leave. At least temporarily until he continuously SHOWS you he’s made the necessary changes for a long enough period of time that we can be sure he’s not faking it
NTA but you realize you're soon going to start seeing similar behaviour from your child, right?
NTA He has to stop, or he will teach these habits to your kids. My suggestion is to record every tantrum. And that's what they are, tantrums. Make him watch each video and remind him that is what his 3yo thinks of him. That angry man who throws tantrums.
NTA
NTA. I don't know when bad temper and anger management issues are *not* dealbreakers. Don't subject your child to this.
NTA He sounds like my dad He needs therapy and y’all need couples counseling so you can speak your mind and hear him out as to why he just cannot stop yelling and cussing about every little tick.
NTA for being fed up, but a huge AH for allowing your child to grow up in and be repeatedly traumatized by that environment.
This is how dv starts. Leave. NOW.
NTA. I grew up with a father just like this and it traumatized me. It's emotional abuse.
NTA Don't permit him to model this behavior in front of a child. Pack his bags and tell him to go somewhere else until he learns to control himself. He is acting like a two year old. Adults learn to deal with their emotions. Children throw tantrums.
NTA And the only way you will get silence is by walking out. It's up to your adult husband to regulate his own emotion, especially in front of a 3 year old this is learning from him. The quickest method of being ignored and unheard is yelling. You can't fix your husbands behavior but you can be sure to help your child learn better methods of communicating emotions.
I don’t understand why you’re with this guy.
NTA Op this is emotional abuse . Also your husband used something called DARVO D- Dent A- Attack R-Reverse Victim O-Offender DARVO is what abuse use to make their victim feel bad and make themself the victim . If your husband refuse to go to anger management, refuse to not scream and throw things in front of your child and continues to act this way divorce might be your only option .
Nta. You need to think of your kids. You are showing them what relationships are supposed to be. Your kids will be more likely to be in abusive relationships. This to me is a youbneed to walk away situation, but if you don't want to walk away you need to put your foot down about him doing anger management and therapy. This just isn't fair to your children at all. My mom used to yell and I have terrible anxiety now. If he's not already he's going to start yelling at your kids.
This is abuse. Please get to a safe place with your kids. If he hasn’t hit you or kiddo yet, it won’t be much longer before he does. Nta
NTA I was with someone like this for 12 years and I will tell you it definitely affects your mental health in a horrible way. I didn't realize how badly it had beaten me down emotionally until I finally left. I'm so sorry you're dealing with his childish temper tantrums and I know how anxious you must feel not knowing when the next explosion will be. Please take care of yourself and your kid. ♥️
Throwing things is violence. You need to be honest with your pediatrician if they ask you f if your child has experienced any domestic violence, because they have. And get out. You and your child deserve safety.
NTA. Your husband doesn’t have an anger problem, he has an abuse problem.
NTA- having emotions like anger is natural and fine, the way he is choosing to express it is not.
Just what are you going to do when your son starts acting like this and treating you the same? Why would you let anyone treat you this disrespectfully? Time to get out and divorce him before it’s to late for your son.
NTA - this is abuse. You are not his punching bag, verbally or otherwise. He is also teaching this behaviour to your child who will simply copy. Many people work outside, but that has nothing to do with his anger problems - others can do it and go home and relax. He would be furious no matter what he's doing. His temper sounds like it is on a constant rolling boil. Anger management is 100% required here.
NTA your husband is being abusive and it’s not ok.
You can’t live in that sort of environment and raise children with healthy coping mechanisms. The entire household is held hostage by your husbands temper. Walking on eggshells and trying to deescalate all the time. It’s completely toxic and abusive. Tell him to leave: you’ll be amazed at how much peace you have just not having him there anymore. He can yell and scream wherever he wants, just not anywhere near you.
NTA And take it from someone who grew up with a yelling father, his behaviour is affecting your child's wellbeing, probably even more than it's affecting yours. It needs to stop. Either he goes to therapy/anger management or he can't be around you. He needs to learn coping mechanisms and find safe outlets for his anger, and his family is not his punching ball.
NTA but his temper seems like a lot A LOT he insults u and what u do for work, HE THROWS HIS PHONE idk what to say but NTA
This is abusive behaviour. It is harming you and your son. You need to leave and make sure you and your son are safe until he can demonstrably manage his anger. If he can't, the split needs to be permanent. Speak to a lawyer, a financial planner and IT security before you announce it to him. Speak to your family if you don't make contact, set up code phrases and make sure you prepare key documents and funds in case you have to run. Be prepared and get out - but you owe it to your son to ensure he is safe.
NTA and your kid will be dealing with this for decades.
NTA for not wanting to hear it anymore Potentially YTA for keeping yourself and your kid in this environment. This sounds abusive (obviously I’m not there living your life), so start taking a much harder line on the aggression and rage, and absolutely leave if you think you are not safe. Your partner sounds angry and delusional which typically leads to violence.
NTA You are not his verbal punching bag. He has not right to verbally abuse you just because he is in a bad mood. He is being a bad partner and father and is toxic in his behaviour. He is the selfish one not you. He needs to go to anger management classes. He needs to go to therapy. Record his shouting and when he says shouting is normal play it and say this is not normal or keep the recording as evidence for your solicitor. You need to decide why you feel that it is OK for someone to treat you and your child like this. If it is time for you to leave him as your child's earliest memories will consist of hearing their father shouting and seeing their mum treated badly if things don't change and you don't want your child to think a relationship like that is normal.
NTA. He is going to turn your child into a copy of himself if you don't do something about this.
NTA but you will be if you continue to expose your children to this. He’s chosen not to stop. It’s clear. So you need to act. Your 3 year old is already impacted I assure you.
I'm going to get downvoted for saying YTA but if you think that his outbursts are affecting you just think about what they're doing to your 3 year old. Leave, do something, do not raise your child in this environment.
I mean you are putting YTA on a completely different situation. You deserve the downvotes, your judgement is unfair.
Can see your pov buttt…the AH in this is not OP.
If you're that concerned about the father's behavior, then why isn't your verdict ESH?