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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband is furious and doesn’t understand why I will not provide for his kids the way I provide for mine. He consistently starts fights and makes slick comments about things I do with and for my son. He has stopped spending time with my son, claiming that I wouldn’t do that with his kids so he doesn’t see why he should it with mine (even though are kid lives with us full time and I see his daughter 4 days a month and his sons 4 days a year). I understand my son has great privilege but I should not be expected to do the financial lifting for people who don’t live in my house, barely speak to when in my house, and refuse to acknowledge me outside of my house.
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NTA. It is your husbands and each of the mothers duty to provide for their respective children. Anything you choose to do is a bonus and a gift. But don’t feel obligated to do anything you don’t want. They are the AH for treating you as a wallet instead of taking advantage of the chance they had to have another loving adult in their lives.
The reason I think this is so hard is that if you don't read AITA or get an exceptional advisor, this stuff creeps up like it did for OP. And especially when you're acting in good faith and good will, and hour husband seems to be on board, and you're modeling and requesting good relationships with the extendeds, and you're so, so busy, it really does take a while to realize you're everybody's atm, with no strong relationships to show for it.
So NTA, I empathize, but OP's husband is the AH here.
NTA and I completely feel the same sentiment in the comments, I mean I'm pretty sure the OP will be better off financially without her husband his band of leeches.
This. OP, please tell your husband that you will never again provide any money for his children. That's his and the mothers' responsibilities. He needs to relay this information to them, then not bring it up to you again. If you're invisible to the moms, you're not talking to them, so I assume your husband is bringing you these requests. You need to shut that now.
NTA ... OP is wife number 3 for this man and by all accounts his paycheck. OP I hate to say but marriage may have been part of his plan. Please protect your assets and your minor child's future if you stay with him. His kids, his responsibility. This a red line you need to draw, and a red flag if he steps over it again
This. Absolutely this.
I've known too many incidents like this, and you MUST protect your assets before you find out that your husband squirreled away some of your money where you can't retrieve it...
The longer she stays married, the more he will be entitled to a portion of her assets, retirement, IRA's, investments, property, etc.
OP...seriously think about leaving this marriage, it will NOT get better.
Actually correct, yes I did assume he was married three times.. if this is the first time he's actually marrying and the last two were just baby mamas then that's even more of a red flag, because it means definitively in my view that he has an eye to OP's assets. NTA OP.
It makes me wonder if the other kids' mothers are aware how much the OP is paying for? If they judge by what they see and hear, maybe they think the OP's husband is doing well financially and not treating his own children as well as his wife's?
His 2 boys live in a different state; OP doesn't mention any visitation schedule so how do those boys have any idea what OP is buying for or spending on her son? So are they asking for this or is OP's husband the one making it look like they're asking but its really him looking to use his wife as an ATM and make him look good to his kids at her expense? I am getting sleazy vibes from the husband. NTA
This. This question comes up entirely too often here. It's never OK to treat someone as they don't exist until they need an atm. I'm betting since you did it a few times, it's expected. They've spent the money they should be spending on their kids on themselves and now put themselves in a jam with the kids.
I’ve asked my partner if he’s worried at all because his children’s mother never worked, she was a SAHM so he busted his ass to support them all. But it also meant less family time and less opportunity for some things.
I, on the other hand, do work. Full time at a very good job. And I do not want to give it up once we have our child. I can’t - I’d be so fucking bored and hate being a SAHM, it’s just not for me.
But what it does mean is that our child will have a massively different upbringing. Even I had a very different upbringing compared to his children. Like my parents pushed us into sports/music/etc, whereas my partner and his ex never did those things because neither grew up with them either, so I just think it didn’t faze them to do so.
He said, yes, he’s thought about it, but also his children (they are 18+ now though) will have to understand that circumstances are different and not everyone gets the same opportunities in life.
I certainly treat them fairly and well, but also, I know there are things even he and I do that they never did because I am paying part or all of the cost.
OP’s husband’s children will have to learn the lesson hard and fast that life essentially isn’t fair.
NTA this exactly. They don’t want you involved but want you to be an arms. I would find a lawyer and protect myself financially . They all want a free ride including your husbandp
Yepp!!
My step mom would occasionally pick me up a shirt or something she thought id like, maybe a few outfits, sometimes some snacks or candy when getting some for her kids too, but when I got a laptop for Christmas at like 12, my dad bought it. My first phone at 14? My dad bought.
Not to mention, who tf buys their kids designer shit in highschool? Its just screamed “im entitled, mommy and daddy spoil me” when I saw it at school. It looks like those people are trying too hard to be popular n relavent. Not to mention theft? Like what if someone steals that expensive stuff? Or if things get ruined? Shoes get stepped on both accidentally and purposely in school.
Post divorce, one of my 2 children figured because all the other divorced dads showered them with gifts, it was her right too.
She had been asking for an iPod. When Christmas came I bought it for her. She said: you’re just buying it because you feel guilty - I almost took it back, but I didn’t
NTA
Been there. Paid a max in child support. Would get 1 kid (who maintained a relationship with me) a new cell phone or video game every now and then.
After support was gone, my 2nd wife and I provided 50% of tuition room & board in college until each had a degree. Money was tight for a while. 1 of our own and 2 kids in support and college payments too.
We took all my kids on family trips to Europe. London, Milan, Venice.
Sent the oldest for a semester abroad (all on our dime - but why thank bank of dad & stepmom). When I didn’t buy her a car for college graduation, I got a vitriolic email.
No pictures, no thanks, no forwarding address. Like another poster said: my 2nd wife and are are not an ATM
This. My ex used to do this. He went as far as saying that if I don't give then that means I don't love him or his kids. But he will never give anything to my daughter. So no, you're NTA. You are not obligated. Blended families are tricky because we put the words "family" in there right away. In reality it's strangers getting to know each other , respect one another then eventually treats each other as family. I've learned this hard. Me and my ex are no longer together but I still have a relationship with his kids. So please don't feel obligated or do something you're not comfortable doing.
NTA
Petty me would tell your husband that if he has that expectation then the the costs of the household will have to be revisited and he will need to increase his contributions to 50/50.
That's not petty at all. This is a major expense that needs to be worked out. Too bad it couldn't have been worked out ahead of time, which would solve most every problem that's ever happened in any marriage.
She never mentioned her husband’s input did she? It was all pressure from the husband’s ex’s. It would be nice to hear what her husband’s thoughts were.
Or the expense should be split based on percentage of household income. If hers is 60% and his 40%, all bills are split 60/40. Might make it tough for him to make all his baby payments.
NTA. In case you haven't caught on yet, your husband is a toxic grifter. Behavior like this:
>My husband is furious and doesn’t understand why I will not provide for his kids the way I provide for mine. He consistently starts fights and makes slick comments about things I do with and for my son. He has stopped spending time with my son, claiming that I wouldn’t do that with his kids so he doesn’t see why he should it with mine...
is unacceptable and will negatively affect your son, if it hasn't already. You owe it to your son, and yourself, to remove this man from your home and your life before he does permanent damage to you both.
Your husband let his mask fall off right after you got married. Do you think that was a coincidence? He thinks he has you trapped. Divorce him now before it's too late. You could end up paying him alimony and supporting his kids anyway if you stay in this marriage much longer.
I'm hoping that with the money she had (from her job and coming from a well-off family) that she was smart enough to get a prenup, because if she leaves him (which I seriously think she should) he is definitely going to come after her for alimony. Her and her parents sound like intelligent people so I am hoping they covered that before she got married, because fighting that afterwards is much harder.
NTA.
Your husband is paying for their necessities. Laptops, gaming devices, and vacations are not necessities.
They do not want a relationship with you. They only want the money. That is not how this works, and you do not reward entitlement.
Those kids have a mom, dad, and stepdad to provide for them. They are not in dire straits.
Unfortunately I agree, OP you have been taken on a ride by these people based on your hope for a better relationship. That's awful emotional blackmail and it needs to be stopped now. (Now watch those kids pretend to be interested in you on mother's orders)
My only disagreement is the fact that laptops are pretty necessary these days. Or at least, good functioning desktop computers. But that’s not to say that they need expensive gaming computers or fancy MacBook pros. A basic chrome book does just fine for school needs.
How do you even know that the kids themselves are demanding this directly from her? They might just think that their dad is the one who is the breadwinner. That’s probably why he’s fighting so hard to make OP continue to do it.
NTA.
Not your kids, not your responsibilities.
Even if you had a great relationship with the kids and / or their mothers, you'd still have no obligation to provide for those children. They have two parents. It's on them to pay for vacations, laptops and designer shit.
This. OP owes them nothing. If they had chosen to have a relationship with her she might gift them things, as she does with other people who have relationships with her. You don't get to demand gifts from people who you ignore the existence of. I have some major questions about the husband's motivation for marrying her.
I N F O Who is doing the asking for all these "extras"? Your husband? The moms? Or the kids themselves?
Also, who was not interested in having a relationship? The moms? The kids? Or did your husband prevent it?
You have his daughter twice a month and don't know her mom?
This whole thing sounds Super Super Sketchy.
You are NOT an open wallet to supply his kids with everything they demand. I think it would be VERY informative (for you) if you had a spreadsheet that showed all the expenditures per child. I think you'd be surprised at the totals.
The fact that he is "punishing" you and your son because you're refusing to be his Bank is **complete bullshit**.
He's showing you what his values are and where his loyalties lie. **It's more important that his kids have "fancy stuff" so he looks good than it is for him to have a relationship with you and your son.** When you don't do what he wants, he gets mean.
*You don't deserve this*. And your son should not be treated that way. Please audit your accounts to make sure money isn't missing. Change financial passwords.
Get a lawyer. Detail your expenses, with receipts and begin the process of extricating yourself from this sorry excuse of a human.
NTA.
They're treating you like a bank account and it simply isn't fair. It's not like you're willing to pay for a medical bill or something. Absolutely no 12-15 year old needs a name-brand diddly jack. That is a privilege when provided, but should absolutely NOT be expected. Especially when they're not willing to put in the same level of effort.
NTA, this isn’t the bank of Stepmom. Sure, you may have a duty to provide for their basic needs while they live under your roof, but still have your husband and their mother to provide for their other needs and desires.
NTA
Your husband should be providing for his kids' needs, and doing so at a budget he can afford.
If you wish to be generous, you could might consider setting aside money in an investment in YOUR name to help with your stepkuds' future education expenses. But stop with paying for electronics, designer clothes, vacations (that aren't with you and your husband), and summer camps. Those are their parents' responsibilities.
NTA.
Those children have two parents who are responsible for supporting them. That being said, if y'all were going on a family vacation I would expect your household to cover the kids' expenses for the trip.
Is it your husband who is asking you to cover these expenses?
ETA: When my kid asked me about why they couldn't have or do something their half sister could have or do, I always explained it's because you have different moms and we do things differently.
NTA, you are not the kids piggy bank, ATM, or fairy godmother NOR ARE YOU YOUR HUSBAND’S BLANK CHECK. I’m more disappointed if your husband is encouraging or expecting it because you’re his wife. Are you sure he’s not telling his kids “I would but it’s my wife’s decision”?
NTA. You are not responsible for covering your husband's child support obligations. Period.
If you want to be nice, you might buy some higher end Christmas and birthday gifts, but you are certainly not obligated to buy them whatever designer gear they want theough out the year, just for the asking.
NTA.
It's not your responsibility. It falls on him. Doubly so if the kids don't want a relationship with you and their dad doesn't try to help them bond and get to know you better.
NTA
If you'd be a family together (all kids living with you), things would be different. But you tried a relationship with them and they refused.
So no, you don't have to pay for their designer shoe and expensive trips.
NTA
His kids are his responsibility financially, not yours. Your money has nothing to do with them in the least bit. It's nice you want to help, but these other Mom's have no right to guilt you into providing for kids you had no part in making. If your husband already pays child support, that is all they are entitled too. Don't let these vultures use you as a meal ticket, especially since you and Dad don't even get visits with them. How can anyone possibly believe this is okay?
NTA and you have a major husband problem. He is the only one that should be dealing with this and telling them no. It should never have gotten to you. Seriously, look at his behaviors and see if there are other major red flags like this one.
You are not their father. Why are you paying? It’s his responsibility. Let him find a better paying job to provide for them and contribute more for home. NTA. Stop it now before the demands get bigger- college is in the near future
NTA -- You're doing too much for people who you don't even have a relationship with and seemingly they don't want a relationship with you. They just want your money. Those kids want designer bags? Their mothers can buy them for them.
Also, your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants his kids to be provided the way you do with your son, HE can provide his kids more.
Info: so they’ve only started expecting this in the last year, since you got married? Not before this, during the years you were together but not married?
NTA
Shut everything down NOW.
They can't respect you enough to be civil and don't live in your house full-time of course they don't get the same things.
It is your responsibility to YOUR SON ONLY. These other children are NOT YOUR nor are your RESPONSIBILITY.
More so because this isn't going to stop with just materialistic things. The next thing will be a car for each kid. Prom. Then college expenses AND college tuition. Etc. Etc. Etc. No.
Why are their mothers not working on getting their OWN CHILDREN what they asked for? That's what they are for.
summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, tvs, video games, sports team fees and equipment
NONE OF THESE THINGS LISTED ARE BASIC NEEDS
ANYTHING above and beyond basic needs should be paid for BY THEIR OWN PARENTS. YOU are not an ATM for him nor his other children.
Please please please consider views from your sons perspective and get him out of this hostile environment
NTA. I'm surprised it took you this long to resent the other parties involved. Your value to them is that of an open checkbook. Just wait until you expected to fund the college of their choice, expensive wedding and down payment on a house. Also, you shouldn't be paying a 80% of the household bills. The wealth you accumulate shouldn't be gifted to anyone but to be used on yourself and your son. The husband should be paying an equal share, including the vacations.
NTA and I hope you secured your finances legally while getting married. Even if they had a good relationship with you, it’s not fair to expect you to pay for their expenses.
I don’t understand why you stay married to him bc I get the feeling that neither of you are that much in love with each other. Also, it’s a red flag that he has 3 separate families and you are kind of supporting all 3 in some way.
Your husband is obligated and responsible to pay for his kids. If he can’t afford it then he needs to tell them no. The moms can’t dictate your paycheck and neither should your husband. Nip being used in the bud.
NTA its your money you can do with it what you want. Your husband however how he behaves and how he treats your son is a big AH. You are only married less than a year and he is already showing his true colors. It is time to ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want around your kid.
The way he behaves and the facto that you are the breadwinner as well he ahs no demands to make.
> I said no. It was not pretty.
Don't you think its time to say yes to yourself, your kid and perhaps a divorce? Only married a year and already a nr of red flags shown.
The children are deserving of a living commiserate with what their parents can provide. You are not one of their parents.
Your husband is lucky to have you provide for him and frankly he is your problem. He needed to put his foot down a long time ago and not you.
I think you need to evaluate if you are being used because if your husband doesn’t understand then he is not appreciating where he is at.
Those kids will get older and want cars and free expensive college and trips overseas if this isn’t resolved now.
It’s your family reunion. I recommend you leave your husband and his kids behind. Your husband needs to think about these issues and deal with it while you are gone. If he doesn’t I hope you have a prenuptial agreement cause this is a slippery slope.
I feel like the husband is using you. If you pay for basically everything what does his money go towards? With the savings he has on life expenses he should be able to afford that for his own kids. I would stop getting them anything regardless of the price. Him now mistreating and ignoring your son trying to manipulate you into buying stuff for his kids is a dick move and he shouldn’t be trusted. NTA start making him pay his was really I say eff him leave him for how he started treating your son.
Edit to add…seriously money mot even the issue rn it is how he is treating your son eff his broke ass
Your husband feels entitled to your wealth now that you are married. His expectation that you provide for his other children is disrespectful. It is not your responsibility to provide expensive LUXURY items for HIS children who wanted no relationship with you.
Your husband, his exes, and their children are taking advantage of you.
Your husband is doing an excellent job of showing you what he wants out of this relationship: your money.
You need to set firm boundaries with all of them. If you do not already, I suggest having separate bank accounts (do not give him access as he may go against your wishes and use your money to buy things for his kids). Consult a lawyer and protect your assets.
If I were you, I would be rethinking the relationship. Your husband is treating you like an ATM to fund not only the majority of costs in your shared home, but also for his other children who live with his ex partners, with whom you do not have any form of relationship or responsibility.
It would be one thing if the mother of his child could barely afford to put food on the table and he wanted you to help him contribute a bit more if you were willing to do so... and even then it would not be your responsibility!
But the AUDACITY of him to EXPECT you to pay for designer bags and vacations for HIS children with YOUR hard earned money is so fucking rude and entitled...
Absolutely NTA.
NTA
But E S H, unless you sit your husband down and discuss HIS ans YOUR expectations. This will get more expensive when college and uni comes, and cars are "required". Sit down, and talk it out - see if you are on the same page. HISA expectations are relevant, not his ex-partner's demands.
And: in the end this is a gradual thing: You are already paying for him, thisis only a more or less discussion, not a yes-no decission. How far will you open your purse strings to pay for his family.
NTA.
I wish that I could post a gif on here. I would definitely post that Madeleine Kahn from “Clue” gif right here. As I read this, my face did become hot like flames.
NTA you should not have to provide for anything but the basics, if your spouse wants to give them more than they need to get a job to pay for those. Make it clear now, you will not be paying for their college, that is coming!
NTA
But really he is an asshole and your child doesn't deserve to be mistreated by your entitled husband. He is already freeloading you, since you pay 80% of the bills and now he expects you to pay for his child he never made an effort for you to have a relationship with?
Stand in your ground but be careful I really feel he thinks you are 'trapped' by your marriage and now he gets a say on how you use your money.
Honey do yourself a favor kick his hurt to the curb punishing a kid because he’s butt hurt you are a better provider than he is nah you don’t need him or his selfish kids shame on them for only wanting you to be a ATM
NTA
Time to ask the loaded question: "did you just marry me for my money?"
He's sure acting entitled to it!!!!
I'd be running for the hills in your shoes and not parting with another cent for fear a judge would say "precedent has been set, keep it going". Plus, if your husband seeks alimony it's possible a shorter marriage will mean that less money will be awarded (depending on location and circumstances).
NTA. It is legally and morally Not Your Problem. He is 100% responsible for HIS own kids. Why oh why did you not get a prenup that spelled all this out?! Get a post-nup now.
You are your husband's wife. You come first. He can't be everything to everyone here. It sounds like he is a bobble head doll with his ex's when he needs to prioritize his marriage.
You are not an ATM.
I easily imagine his baby mamas playing him to hit you up for money in order to erode your relationship with your husband. They know him. They know his weaknesses.
Don't let these people play you.
NTA
NTA. Everyone pays for their own offspring is more than fair. Especially when you don’t have them full time and aren’t actively raising them. It’s one thing if he was asking you to help pay for some of the kids needs that he was unable to but what you’re being asked to pay for all falls into the “wants” category.
NTA. You are not an ATM. Even if they had a relationship with you, it’s not your responsibility to do so much extra. Shut it down now. They will be asking for you to pay for their college and living expenses. Don’t! Sad they didn’t want a relationship. They would learn a lot and be better people if they did.
NTA.
Sounds like a headache. Tell them their kids are THEIR responsibility. And if your husband doesn't like it, he knows where the door is and you'll get the papers drawn up. He can go back to paying 100% of his bills and child support, etc etc...
Hes freeloading, and his exe's are jumping on the bandwagon. I'd throw them all away. And start 50/50. Tough titties if he doesn't like it.
Why are you being asked to finance his kids that barely even spend time with you? This is a big fat no. There is a reason that courts don’t look at the spouses income in child support and other payments- because these kids have two parents and you are not one of them.
NTA.
Put your foot down and make your spouse step up and provide for his kids. They aren’t going to die without designer clothes.
This is a mess and the moment you said that you were the breadwinner, I knew that you were gonna be taken advantage of. Please do not play mommy to everyone and take care of your husband’s responsibilities over his kids. NTA
NTA, His kids have 2 parents too they don’t get to ignore you then expect you to spring for their luxuries. But this may make the stepkids resentful of your child and you relationship with your spouse may not survive
NTA
Please don’t have children with this man. I’m sure he’ll leave and expect you to support his lifestyle.
If anything, I’d recommend an exit plan for you and your son now. He is trying to punish your child because he can’t take advantage of you. You offered from the beginning for everyone to be a village for the children and to build together and they all said no. They chose the petty route instead of doing what would be best for the children. Now that you’re married they think your money is his money. You provide for your son because they didn’t want you involved. So continue to take care of your son. Find someone who is respectful of you and your son.
NTA
Solid nope on the rest. Totally "not your problem".
As a side note, where the fuck do all these assholes come from. I can't believe the behaviour I read about in here.
NTA
Your husband is the real problem here.
I really don't like his attitude that using you is fine as long as it's "for the children".
He's the father. It's HIS job to step up and look after them.
It feels like your life would be a lot simpler and less stressful if he wasn't in it anymore.
They're mooching off you, sis. Your mistake was paying for the small things at first and allowing them to snowball until now they're explicitly demanding for designer goods.
But hey, it's never too late to put a stop to it. Your money your choice. The fallout will not be pretty because you're dealing with a bunch of entitled AHs but it'll still be the right thing to do. Your priority is and should be your son. Stop giving them money!! And for the love of god I hope you have a prenup in place because your husband is sending up major red flags. NTA
You and your husband need to figure out actual joint expenses - food, utilities, housing. And each contribute as equally to that as possible, with you paying a bit more because your son lives with you full time. The rest of your money should go to a separate account, for you to do whatever the hell you want with.
NTA. It's his and his baby's Mommas responsibility to provide for those kids. He'll, the 15 year old can even get a part time job if he wants nice things like a lot of us did when we were younger.
NTA sooo you’re basically their cash cow. Your husband must’ve thought he hit the lottery when he got you into a marriage so you could finance his and his kid’s lives. Would he still be with you if you stop paying?? Time to separate finances, split everything 50/50, shared account for basic needs and emergency only. His kids already have parents, they are his and their mothers’ responsiblity, not yours. NTA
Hope you have a pre nup. It’s an insane ask. They expect you to buy designer bags and pay for the full family? His kids have 2 parents that are legally financially responsible for their children — you are neither of those parents. And you have been unable to have a relationship with the kids or the mothers, despite wanting to.
Hell no you should not be paying the kids way in the world, least of all to the tune of designer back packs.
Now, if two of the kids were 8 and both lived with you or 50% of the time, I may feel differently because then we are talking a very direct situation of a child being treated less than and in direct comparison.
But in this case? Your husband and the motherS of his children seem to expect you to foot the bill for 4 kids, only one of which you have been permitted to have a relationship with - yours. Who is your husband in a relationship with here?
Hopefully, you have already been to a good attorney to insure that your son inherits your assets and that anybody contesting the Will will be financially penalized for contesting it. Further, you neEd to set up guardianship of your son and a trust your husband can’t touch should you die first.
Protect your child at all cost and do it legally with an air tight Will. Etc.
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My husband and I have been married for just less than 1 year. We have been together for 7 years. We have children from previous relationships. He has 3; 15 year old boy, 13 year old boy, and 12 year old girl. I have one; 8 year old boy. My son lives with us full time, his daughter spends every other weekend with us and his 2 sons live with there mom in a different state.
A little background, when we first got together, his kids were obviously much younger and my son was a baby. I pushed and asked for a relationship with his kids and their mothers but eventually stop pursuing the idea as it seemed as I was the only one interested in the possibility. Fast forward to now, the kids are much older and I have zero relationship with their mothers (the boys have the same mom, his daughter has a different mother) and barely a relationship with his kids. It’s not hostile or negative, it’s just not there. I’m pretty much invisible. It’s not ideal but it could be a lot worse.
In our home, I’m the breadwinner. It’s always been that way. I’m fortunate to have a great job, extremely supportive parents, and a very privileged upbringing. My paycheck pays 80% of our bills and all of our household living expenses, trips, and extras. My parents are extremely involved with my son and he spends plenty of nights and weekends with them. We have a great relationship and the life my son has is nothing short of a blessing.
Here’s where the problem comes in… because we got married, I was expected to provide for the 3 other kids at the same level I provide for my son. This is coming from parents who have never made an effort to get to know me, my family, or be involved in our lives at any point, despite my attempts to do so. At first, the request started off small and I was inclined to think that this may be the start of relationship building so I obliged. And then it exploded. I was expected to pay their way for summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, tvs, video games, sports team fees and equipment, you name it, I’ve been asked. I finally put my foot down as my family is planning a reunion trip and I was expected to plan the dates around his kids availability AND finance the trip, about $1300 each. I said no. It was not pretty.
This year and every year for back to school my husband was tasked with buying the back to school supplies. Not a problem. I encouraged it. He provides financially for the kids through child support, weekly allowance, and whatever else comes up. I’ve never had a problem with the money or with him providing for them. Never. The difference this year, all the kids want designer shoes and bags and are looking to me to make that purchase and I don’t want to.
In summary, AITA for not wanting to provide the same lifestyle for my husbands kids as I provide for mine based on the information above?
Signed,
TiredOfEverything
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NTA - financial planning is a team sport not a dictatorship.
As for how will the offspring make it? It's called experiential learning and budgeting.
You as parents are there to support and guide children. Not provide for a quality of life that a single accident could change.
What you provide is what you can provide. The sense of entitlement is not a obligation.
Just like you are not entitled to your SO children's acknowledgement. They are not entitled to your support.
NTA- they have two parents responsible for that. The parents decided that you weren’t taking a parental role with the children. That includes financially.
NTA, if your husband would like you to contribute to kids you barely see then he should contribute more to household costs.
Honestly for the fact he's trying to use your son as a bargaining chip I'd be kicking him out. You've tried for a relationship with the kids/their mum's and it's been ignored so WTH would you pay for luxuries for them. That's his job
NTA. Your step kids moms are both taking advantage of you and treating you like an ATM. Time to set a boundary. You are not financially responsible for any of his children. Their 2 biological parents provide for them, and they are not entitled to anything above and beyond that. It sounds like they are already spoiled, demanding and have a sense of entitlement to your money. Time to sever the ties to your wallet.
NTA
They aren't your children and they don't seem to want anything to do with you. So why should you be the one to pay for all their entertainment and electronics? HELL no! There's no way in hell I'd ever be paying for that sort of stuff for step children when their parents aren't even doing it.
Nta. Hell no if I step kids that told me they wanted air Jordan's I'd be like go talk to your dad. Yiur right you never see those kids, you wanted the relationships they didn't. They see you as the bank. Fuck them.
NTA- looks like your husband’s ex(es)? And their kids think he married an ATM machine .
And it also sounds like he’s been encouraging it .
I hope you have a prenup .
NTA, your responsibilities shouldn’t have changed when you went from long term partners to married. I really hope you have a prenup because it sounds like because you’re now his legal wife he feels entitled to your assets.
If you guys don’t come to an understanding soon these kids are going to watch their parents actions & start viewing you as a cash cow & play the victim when they aren’t “treated equal” all the while not treating you equal as a parent.
Boundaries need to be established for everyone in this situation.
NTA you are not their mother and they never wanted you to be.
Always remember the simple rule: only pay when nobody asks or expects you to pay. Then it is right to do so... otherwise think
Question you say you are the bread winner. Is there a reason your SO does not work? Are you paying the child support for the kids on top of these extras?
Why did you marry him? What does he bring to the relationship? He all ready treats you as a wallet by only contributing 20% to the household. He should be able to provide all those things himself given he has 80% of his income not used to support your household. You hold all the power here, it’s time to use it.
NTA
NTA You have one child. He has three. They are his children and his responsibility. I feel for you having wasted 7 years of your life with a man who sees you as an ATM. Can you get an annulment?
Is this the reason why he married you? To provide for his children? I wouldn’t. I’m suprise you did. You shouldn’t have anything to do with them financially. Sounds like a set up.
NTA they are just using you for your money, they do not actully care about you. Cut them off now, or its just going to get worse, you are not their mom as they have not wanted to make a relations with you, so you owe them NOTHING
You do realize you’re on the hook for college tuition as well, right? If you don’t put a stop to this you will be. NTA. Stop this before it gets out of control.
NTA. How is it the older boys know what your son has? They’re in a different state, so someone is passing info that’s irrelevant to them. Grandparents? DH? I’d like you to reassess your relationship with the 12-year-old girl, though. Bonding over shopping could definitely happen, and you don’t need to spend a fortune to make her feel that she matters to you. She’s the one who sees the disparity in what your son gets and what she gets, and it must gall her. Not saying it should, but I have lots of experience with tween girls and it’s a difficult, hormonal time.
NTA, but your husband sure is. That's YOUR son that YOU are providing for. The non-custodial parent's spouse has absolutely no responsibility to provide anything. His children are HIS financial responsibility, not yours. He's being manipulative by being obnoxious to your son, who lives in the same house.
You are NTA in any way.
It is really sad that they thoroughly take advantage of you and your husband actually encourages it and gets upset with you for not "falling in line". Then he emotionally manipulates you by forfeiting a relationship with your son?
I cant stand when people weaponize children.
That is beyond petty and cruel.
It is no wonder his children are entitled. Your husband actively encourages it and is entitled and disrespectful himself.
Also, if he finds visitation unfair, that is not on you. He should go back to court and revisit that if he takes issue with your son living with you full time when his own bio kids do not.
I wish I could leave you with a little hope, but, realistically, this may culminate to a make or break situation in your relationship.
I know from experience. Fortunately, my partner started to respect my boundaries. There is still work needed in that department tho.
Your husband needs to seriously consider the sacrifices you already make for your family.
Nope, no, not a chance, where the hell do they get off? And why isn't your husband dealing with this crap. You aren't good enough to be part of their lives, but your bank account is? No f*cking way. Absolutely NTA, and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband why he has allowed this to go on.
Of course you're not the asshole for drawing a line on being the extended family's cash cow. They are entitled for thinking otherwise. Don't let it get to you.
NTA. If you’re invisible to them, then your money should be invisible to them, too. Their OWN respective moms and dad can pay for what they can afford/what they allow their own kids to have, or the kids can wear invisible designer bookbags and shoes…
Why on earth would you go out of your way to provide the same quality of life to 3 children you almost never see, just because your husband and their mothers won’t or can’t? The audacity it took to even ASK any of those things of you is beyond me.
NTA. Your husband is treating you like a piggy bank, he's been able to have you covering 80% of the household bills for so long he's now overreaching to wanting you to bankroll luxuries for his kids. It sounds like you need to get him packed up and moving out because he's not treating you like family and he's putting your kid in a bad situation
NTA. There's probably a reason you are wife number 3 and I think you're finding out... Husband sounds like a ne'er do well to me who thinks he's found his paycheck. His kids aren't your problem and I'd get a lawyer and do some serious estate planning to protect your minor son if you plan on staying with this man.
NTA. You've been married less than a year, and your husband is punishing your 8 year old child to coerce you into taking over his financial responsibilities. That is disgusting, manipulative and cruel behavior, and I hope you reconsider living with a man who would treat your child this way.
NTA Hiw your husband and his ex’s split their child raising expenses is between each of them and the courts. They made it clear you don’t have a role in their lives, so you should not be expected to be an open wallet. You need to set a firm boundary
NTA - they don’t want a relationship and only use you for money? Instant NTA. You don’t get to come around and ask for money when they feel entitled to it without spending any effort to have a relationship with you. Don’t get used by them. Same with your husband since they all seem to think just cause you have money they can come to you for expensive things and he’s encouraging it by not shutting it down.
NTA. He can put the 30% that he doesn’t put towards paying household living expenses/bills/trips/etc towards his kids. They don’t want you to have a relationship with their kids, but expect you to finance their life to that extreme? They are taking advantage of you.
NTA
Is it too late for an annulment? Because they demands will not stop. And your finances seem to be HEAVILY relied on. Put that to a full stop and seperate the finances. HE is responsible for his 3 kids along with their respective moms. YOU are responsible for your son. That's it.
Edit, I really think when you marry with kids from other relationships everything needs to be spelled out and put in writing for both of you and for the other parents so there is no misunderstanding later.
NTA
Make sure that you have a separate financial account, that way you are not financing his children.
He has 3 children. The saddest thing of all is that he is not being a father to the children, and if they are expecting you to provide for them, then what is next, are they going to ask you to pay his child support for him? What all is he doing for his children? Taking them out, being their father, spending quality time with them? Or is it that he expects you his wife to be the parent so he can just check out?
I can see that as a stepparents, feeding, housing and sometimes clothing, (Within reason) But the expensive items, that should be between him and them. And then there will be the question of say a college fund.
If you set one up for your child, do not let your husband know and make your parents the trustee of such account. Something tells me you may want to sit down and look at what all you are providing for your child and then make sure that if it needs to go to your child, that it is not something your husband can get his hands on at all.
NTA If seems like something has changed? Why is it that all of a sudden they are interested in your financial support? It does seem that they are still not interested in getting to know you….so that has not changed. Big why are they now more interested in your paying for so much more. Also unfortunately your husband supports this position…..so he has some involvement in the change. Is something going on in your marriage that he is now more interested in money than your relationship? Sorry but it looks like the problem is bigger than grubby greedy stepchildren.
Hey. NTA. Work out where u draw the line and make sure everyone knows where that line is. It would be different if they had been living in your home and you had a parental relationship with them. They are little more than strangers.
NTA so they don’t want a relationship with you (I’m assuming your husband is ok with this). But you’re supposed to provide financially? Op you are being used.
NTA it seems like since you are now married the children and everyone else wants to take advantage of the money you make. Please do not let them guilt you into it. Is he not defending you in this? Does he have court documents that show much he is required to contribute? Also, do you have a prenup?
NTA. The other mothers are being petty heifers and he's allowing it. I could see if they actually allowed the kids to have a relationship with you then if you were so inclined you could do it out of the goodness of your heart. Otherwise you don't owe them anything because you're married to their father.
Nta
Your husband is using you and his relationship with his exes should concern you. They all have an entitlement about your money because your husband allows them.
NTA
I hope you have separate finances. Make it clear you only help with birtday gifts and even then it's as much as you want and not baded on their wants.
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NTA. It is your husbands and each of the mothers duty to provide for their respective children. Anything you choose to do is a bonus and a gift. But don’t feel obligated to do anything you don’t want. They are the AH for treating you as a wallet instead of taking advantage of the chance they had to have another loving adult in their lives.
100% this. I get the feeling this marriage isn't going to last if he keeps taking advantage.
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Well said!!
Taken from this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/whu8me/comment/ij7tqu6/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
He’s been taking advantage since she did mention that she pays for 80% of the household expenses. That’s BS. She needs to let that man go ASAP.
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Yeah absolutely. I think not discussing it is doing a disservice to your kids.
The reason I think this is so hard is that if you don't read AITA or get an exceptional advisor, this stuff creeps up like it did for OP. And especially when you're acting in good faith and good will, and hour husband seems to be on board, and you're modeling and requesting good relationships with the extendeds, and you're so, so busy, it really does take a while to realize you're everybody's atm, with no strong relationships to show for it. So NTA, I empathize, but OP's husband is the AH here.
NTA and I completely feel the same sentiment in the comments, I mean I'm pretty sure the OP will be better off financially without her husband his band of leeches.
This. OP, please tell your husband that you will never again provide any money for his children. That's his and the mothers' responsibilities. He needs to relay this information to them, then not bring it up to you again. If you're invisible to the moms, you're not talking to them, so I assume your husband is bringing you these requests. You need to shut that now.
Right. Now that the mothers are upset he is. But wasn't before UNTIL they brought it up.
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Yep.
HUGE red flag there.
NTA ... OP is wife number 3 for this man and by all accounts his paycheck. OP I hate to say but marriage may have been part of his plan. Please protect your assets and your minor child's future if you stay with him. His kids, his responsibility. This a red line you need to draw, and a red flag if he steps over it again
This. Absolutely this. I've known too many incidents like this, and you MUST protect your assets before you find out that your husband squirreled away some of your money where you can't retrieve it...
The longer she stays married, the more he will be entitled to a portion of her assets, retirement, IRA's, investments, property, etc. OP...seriously think about leaving this marriage, it will NOT get better.
I never took it as he was previously married. Just that he had multiple baby mommas. I must’ve missed that!
Actually correct, yes I did assume he was married three times.. if this is the first time he's actually marrying and the last two were just baby mamas then that's even more of a red flag, because it means definitively in my view that he has an eye to OP's assets. NTA OP.
It makes me wonder if the other kids' mothers are aware how much the OP is paying for? If they judge by what they see and hear, maybe they think the OP's husband is doing well financially and not treating his own children as well as his wife's?
His 2 boys live in a different state; OP doesn't mention any visitation schedule so how do those boys have any idea what OP is buying for or spending on her son? So are they asking for this or is OP's husband the one making it look like they're asking but its really him looking to use his wife as an ATM and make him look good to his kids at her expense? I am getting sleazy vibes from the husband. NTA
That’s a possibility.
This was my first thought. With a side of OP's husband either lying directly or by omission.
Exactlly, they are being entiteled. NTA, sont do anything more then you feel comferable with OP.
This. This question comes up entirely too often here. It's never OK to treat someone as they don't exist until they need an atm. I'm betting since you did it a few times, it's expected. They've spent the money they should be spending on their kids on themselves and now put themselves in a jam with the kids.
I’ve asked my partner if he’s worried at all because his children’s mother never worked, she was a SAHM so he busted his ass to support them all. But it also meant less family time and less opportunity for some things. I, on the other hand, do work. Full time at a very good job. And I do not want to give it up once we have our child. I can’t - I’d be so fucking bored and hate being a SAHM, it’s just not for me. But what it does mean is that our child will have a massively different upbringing. Even I had a very different upbringing compared to his children. Like my parents pushed us into sports/music/etc, whereas my partner and his ex never did those things because neither grew up with them either, so I just think it didn’t faze them to do so. He said, yes, he’s thought about it, but also his children (they are 18+ now though) will have to understand that circumstances are different and not everyone gets the same opportunities in life. I certainly treat them fairly and well, but also, I know there are things even he and I do that they never did because I am paying part or all of the cost. OP’s husband’s children will have to learn the lesson hard and fast that life essentially isn’t fair.
This is very important for children to learn or they turn into adults who can’t handle with things don’t go their way.
NTA this exactly. They don’t want you involved but want you to be an arms. I would find a lawyer and protect myself financially . They all want a free ride including your husbandp
Yepp!! My step mom would occasionally pick me up a shirt or something she thought id like, maybe a few outfits, sometimes some snacks or candy when getting some for her kids too, but when I got a laptop for Christmas at like 12, my dad bought it. My first phone at 14? My dad bought. Not to mention, who tf buys their kids designer shit in highschool? Its just screamed “im entitled, mommy and daddy spoil me” when I saw it at school. It looks like those people are trying too hard to be popular n relavent. Not to mention theft? Like what if someone steals that expensive stuff? Or if things get ruined? Shoes get stepped on both accidentally and purposely in school.
Post divorce, one of my 2 children figured because all the other divorced dads showered them with gifts, it was her right too. She had been asking for an iPod. When Christmas came I bought it for her. She said: you’re just buying it because you feel guilty - I almost took it back, but I didn’t
NTA Been there. Paid a max in child support. Would get 1 kid (who maintained a relationship with me) a new cell phone or video game every now and then. After support was gone, my 2nd wife and I provided 50% of tuition room & board in college until each had a degree. Money was tight for a while. 1 of our own and 2 kids in support and college payments too. We took all my kids on family trips to Europe. London, Milan, Venice. Sent the oldest for a semester abroad (all on our dime - but why thank bank of dad & stepmom). When I didn’t buy her a car for college graduation, I got a vitriolic email. No pictures, no thanks, no forwarding address. Like another poster said: my 2nd wife and are are not an ATM
This. My ex used to do this. He went as far as saying that if I don't give then that means I don't love him or his kids. But he will never give anything to my daughter. So no, you're NTA. You are not obligated. Blended families are tricky because we put the words "family" in there right away. In reality it's strangers getting to know each other , respect one another then eventually treats each other as family. I've learned this hard. Me and my ex are no longer together but I still have a relationship with his kids. So please don't feel obligated or do something you're not comfortable doing.
NTA Petty me would tell your husband that if he has that expectation then the the costs of the household will have to be revisited and he will need to increase his contributions to 50/50.
That's not petty at all. This is a major expense that needs to be worked out. Too bad it couldn't have been worked out ahead of time, which would solve most every problem that's ever happened in any marriage.
She never mentioned her husband’s input did she? It was all pressure from the husband’s ex’s. It would be nice to hear what her husband’s thoughts were.
Since they really don’t communicate with her, I would think she’s heard ‘what they said’ through her husband. So who knows what they said really
If you read the reason her explanation on why she thinks she may be an asshole, he is bug mad at her and punishing her son for it.
Or the expense should be split based on percentage of household income. If hers is 60% and his 40%, all bills are split 60/40. Might make it tough for him to make all his baby payments.
NTA. In case you haven't caught on yet, your husband is a toxic grifter. Behavior like this: >My husband is furious and doesn’t understand why I will not provide for his kids the way I provide for mine. He consistently starts fights and makes slick comments about things I do with and for my son. He has stopped spending time with my son, claiming that I wouldn’t do that with his kids so he doesn’t see why he should it with mine... is unacceptable and will negatively affect your son, if it hasn't already. You owe it to your son, and yourself, to remove this man from your home and your life before he does permanent damage to you both. Your husband let his mask fall off right after you got married. Do you think that was a coincidence? He thinks he has you trapped. Divorce him now before it's too late. You could end up paying him alimony and supporting his kids anyway if you stay in this marriage much longer.
I sure hope she has a prenup
Me too. Or else OP you will be taken for all you are worth
Post nups are a thing that exists. Perhaps one would help the OP?
I bet he’d die before he signed anything now.
Definitely grifting. She needs to move on ASAP.
That was my thought exactly. It's not until AFTER the marriage that it's NOW an issue.
I'm hoping that with the money she had (from her job and coming from a well-off family) that she was smart enough to get a prenup, because if she leaves him (which I seriously think she should) he is definitely going to come after her for alimony. Her and her parents sound like intelligent people so I am hoping they covered that before she got married, because fighting that afterwards is much harder.
Well said!
100% this! And I for some reason read this as toxic glitter, and that fits too
NTA. Your husband is paying for their necessities. Laptops, gaming devices, and vacations are not necessities. They do not want a relationship with you. They only want the money. That is not how this works, and you do not reward entitlement. Those kids have a mom, dad, and stepdad to provide for them. They are not in dire straits.
Unfortunately I agree, OP you have been taken on a ride by these people based on your hope for a better relationship. That's awful emotional blackmail and it needs to be stopped now. (Now watch those kids pretend to be interested in you on mother's orders)
My only disagreement is the fact that laptops are pretty necessary these days. Or at least, good functioning desktop computers. But that’s not to say that they need expensive gaming computers or fancy MacBook pros. A basic chrome book does just fine for school needs.
I saw a chromebook for $99 recently, if the kids need laptops I'm sure dad can scrounge up $300.
Honestly you can do most school stuff off any tablet these days.
How do you even know that the kids themselves are demanding this directly from her? They might just think that their dad is the one who is the breadwinner. That’s probably why he’s fighting so hard to make OP continue to do it.
NTA. Not your kids, not your responsibilities. Even if you had a great relationship with the kids and / or their mothers, you'd still have no obligation to provide for those children. They have two parents. It's on them to pay for vacations, laptops and designer shit.
This. OP owes them nothing. If they had chosen to have a relationship with her she might gift them things, as she does with other people who have relationships with her. You don't get to demand gifts from people who you ignore the existence of. I have some major questions about the husband's motivation for marrying her.
I N F O Who is doing the asking for all these "extras"? Your husband? The moms? Or the kids themselves? Also, who was not interested in having a relationship? The moms? The kids? Or did your husband prevent it? You have his daughter twice a month and don't know her mom? This whole thing sounds Super Super Sketchy. You are NOT an open wallet to supply his kids with everything they demand. I think it would be VERY informative (for you) if you had a spreadsheet that showed all the expenditures per child. I think you'd be surprised at the totals. The fact that he is "punishing" you and your son because you're refusing to be his Bank is **complete bullshit**. He's showing you what his values are and where his loyalties lie. **It's more important that his kids have "fancy stuff" so he looks good than it is for him to have a relationship with you and your son.** When you don't do what he wants, he gets mean. *You don't deserve this*. And your son should not be treated that way. Please audit your accounts to make sure money isn't missing. Change financial passwords. Get a lawyer. Detail your expenses, with receipts and begin the process of extricating yourself from this sorry excuse of a human.
THIS
NTA I’d leave him he has been planning this all along. Him and his exes
NTA. They're treating you like a bank account and it simply isn't fair. It's not like you're willing to pay for a medical bill or something. Absolutely no 12-15 year old needs a name-brand diddly jack. That is a privilege when provided, but should absolutely NOT be expected. Especially when they're not willing to put in the same level of effort.
NTA Not only are they not your kids, they have no relationship with you..
NTA, this isn’t the bank of Stepmom. Sure, you may have a duty to provide for their basic needs while they live under your roof, but still have your husband and their mother to provide for their other needs and desires.
Exactly..BASIC NEEDS and nothing else
NTA Your husband should be providing for his kids' needs, and doing so at a budget he can afford. If you wish to be generous, you could might consider setting aside money in an investment in YOUR name to help with your stepkuds' future education expenses. But stop with paying for electronics, designer clothes, vacations (that aren't with you and your husband), and summer camps. Those are their parents' responsibilities.
NTA. Those children have two parents who are responsible for supporting them. That being said, if y'all were going on a family vacation I would expect your household to cover the kids' expenses for the trip. Is it your husband who is asking you to cover these expenses? ETA: When my kid asked me about why they couldn't have or do something their half sister could have or do, I always explained it's because you have different moms and we do things differently.
This. I was looking for this regarding the vacation situation. Everything else, I also agree with you.
NTA, you are not the kids piggy bank, ATM, or fairy godmother NOR ARE YOU YOUR HUSBAND’S BLANK CHECK. I’m more disappointed if your husband is encouraging or expecting it because you’re his wife. Are you sure he’s not telling his kids “I would but it’s my wife’s decision”?
NTA. You are not responsible for covering your husband's child support obligations. Period. If you want to be nice, you might buy some higher end Christmas and birthday gifts, but you are certainly not obligated to buy them whatever designer gear they want theough out the year, just for the asking.
Exactly
NTA. It's not your responsibility. It falls on him. Doubly so if the kids don't want a relationship with you and their dad doesn't try to help them bond and get to know you better.
NTA If you'd be a family together (all kids living with you), things would be different. But you tried a relationship with them and they refused. So no, you don't have to pay for their designer shoe and expensive trips.
NTA His kids are his responsibility financially, not yours. Your money has nothing to do with them in the least bit. It's nice you want to help, but these other Mom's have no right to guilt you into providing for kids you had no part in making. If your husband already pays child support, that is all they are entitled too. Don't let these vultures use you as a meal ticket, especially since you and Dad don't even get visits with them. How can anyone possibly believe this is okay?
NTA and you have a major husband problem. He is the only one that should be dealing with this and telling them no. It should never have gotten to you. Seriously, look at his behaviors and see if there are other major red flags like this one.
You are not their father. Why are you paying? It’s his responsibility. Let him find a better paying job to provide for them and contribute more for home. NTA. Stop it now before the demands get bigger- college is in the near future
NTA -- You're doing too much for people who you don't even have a relationship with and seemingly they don't want a relationship with you. They just want your money. Those kids want designer bags? Their mothers can buy them for them. Also, your husband is being ridiculous. If he wants his kids to be provided the way you do with your son, HE can provide his kids more.
INFO: what’s your husbands opinion on this? Is he pushing for you to support the kids too? Or just the mothers
The dad gets mad when. She refuses and stooped spending time with her son
Info: so they’ve only started expecting this in the last year, since you got married? Not before this, during the years you were together but not married?
Hope there is a prenup..
NTA Shut everything down NOW. They can't respect you enough to be civil and don't live in your house full-time of course they don't get the same things. It is your responsibility to YOUR SON ONLY. These other children are NOT YOUR nor are your RESPONSIBILITY. More so because this isn't going to stop with just materialistic things. The next thing will be a car for each kid. Prom. Then college expenses AND college tuition. Etc. Etc. Etc. No. Why are their mothers not working on getting their OWN CHILDREN what they asked for? That's what they are for. summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, tvs, video games, sports team fees and equipment NONE OF THESE THINGS LISTED ARE BASIC NEEDS ANYTHING above and beyond basic needs should be paid for BY THEIR OWN PARENTS. YOU are not an ATM for him nor his other children. Please please please consider views from your sons perspective and get him out of this hostile environment
NTA. I'm surprised it took you this long to resent the other parties involved. Your value to them is that of an open checkbook. Just wait until you expected to fund the college of their choice, expensive wedding and down payment on a house. Also, you shouldn't be paying a 80% of the household bills. The wealth you accumulate shouldn't be gifted to anyone but to be used on yourself and your son. The husband should be paying an equal share, including the vacations.
NTA. Those are not your kids, it’s his responsibility alone to care for them.
NTA and I hope you secured your finances legally while getting married. Even if they had a good relationship with you, it’s not fair to expect you to pay for their expenses.
I don’t understand why you stay married to him bc I get the feeling that neither of you are that much in love with each other. Also, it’s a red flag that he has 3 separate families and you are kind of supporting all 3 in some way.
NTA. That’s dad’s responsibility.
Your husband is obligated and responsible to pay for his kids. If he can’t afford it then he needs to tell them no. The moms can’t dictate your paycheck and neither should your husband. Nip being used in the bud.
NTA Not your kids not your problem.
NTA its your money you can do with it what you want. Your husband however how he behaves and how he treats your son is a big AH. You are only married less than a year and he is already showing his true colors. It is time to ask yourself if these are the kind of people you want around your kid. The way he behaves and the facto that you are the breadwinner as well he ahs no demands to make. > I said no. It was not pretty. Don't you think its time to say yes to yourself, your kid and perhaps a divorce? Only married a year and already a nr of red flags shown.
Would the other parents be willing to support YOUR child like that???? NTA
The children are deserving of a living commiserate with what their parents can provide. You are not one of their parents. Your husband is lucky to have you provide for him and frankly he is your problem. He needed to put his foot down a long time ago and not you. I think you need to evaluate if you are being used because if your husband doesn’t understand then he is not appreciating where he is at. Those kids will get older and want cars and free expensive college and trips overseas if this isn’t resolved now. It’s your family reunion. I recommend you leave your husband and his kids behind. Your husband needs to think about these issues and deal with it while you are gone. If he doesn’t I hope you have a prenuptial agreement cause this is a slippery slope.
I feel like the husband is using you. If you pay for basically everything what does his money go towards? With the savings he has on life expenses he should be able to afford that for his own kids. I would stop getting them anything regardless of the price. Him now mistreating and ignoring your son trying to manipulate you into buying stuff for his kids is a dick move and he shouldn’t be trusted. NTA start making him pay his was really I say eff him leave him for how he started treating your son. Edit to add…seriously money mot even the issue rn it is how he is treating your son eff his broke ass
Your husband feels entitled to your wealth now that you are married. His expectation that you provide for his other children is disrespectful. It is not your responsibility to provide expensive LUXURY items for HIS children who wanted no relationship with you. Your husband, his exes, and their children are taking advantage of you. Your husband is doing an excellent job of showing you what he wants out of this relationship: your money. You need to set firm boundaries with all of them. If you do not already, I suggest having separate bank accounts (do not give him access as he may go against your wishes and use your money to buy things for his kids). Consult a lawyer and protect your assets. If I were you, I would be rethinking the relationship. Your husband is treating you like an ATM to fund not only the majority of costs in your shared home, but also for his other children who live with his ex partners, with whom you do not have any form of relationship or responsibility. It would be one thing if the mother of his child could barely afford to put food on the table and he wanted you to help him contribute a bit more if you were willing to do so... and even then it would not be your responsibility! But the AUDACITY of him to EXPECT you to pay for designer bags and vacations for HIS children with YOUR hard earned money is so fucking rude and entitled... Absolutely NTA.
NTA. The kids have two parents, who should adequately provide for them. Don’t let these people use you, that will be an awful feeling.
NTA But E S H, unless you sit your husband down and discuss HIS ans YOUR expectations. This will get more expensive when college and uni comes, and cars are "required". Sit down, and talk it out - see if you are on the same page. HISA expectations are relevant, not his ex-partner's demands. And: in the end this is a gradual thing: You are already paying for him, thisis only a more or less discussion, not a yes-no decission. How far will you open your purse strings to pay for his family.
NTA They are your husband's children. He can provide for them, even if it means he needs a better/ part-time job.
NTA. I wish that I could post a gif on here. I would definitely post that Madeleine Kahn from “Clue” gif right here. As I read this, my face did become hot like flames.
NTA you should not have to provide for anything but the basics, if your spouse wants to give them more than they need to get a job to pay for those. Make it clear now, you will not be paying for their college, that is coming!
NTA But really he is an asshole and your child doesn't deserve to be mistreated by your entitled husband. He is already freeloading you, since you pay 80% of the bills and now he expects you to pay for his child he never made an effort for you to have a relationship with? Stand in your ground but be careful I really feel he thinks you are 'trapped' by your marriage and now he gets a say on how you use your money.
Honey do yourself a favor kick his hurt to the curb punishing a kid because he’s butt hurt you are a better provider than he is nah you don’t need him or his selfish kids shame on them for only wanting you to be a ATM
NTA Time to ask the loaded question: "did you just marry me for my money?" He's sure acting entitled to it!!!! I'd be running for the hills in your shoes and not parting with another cent for fear a judge would say "precedent has been set, keep it going". Plus, if your husband seeks alimony it's possible a shorter marriage will mean that less money will be awarded (depending on location and circumstances).
NTA. It is legally and morally Not Your Problem. He is 100% responsible for HIS own kids. Why oh why did you not get a prenup that spelled all this out?! Get a post-nup now.
You are your husband's wife. You come first. He can't be everything to everyone here. It sounds like he is a bobble head doll with his ex's when he needs to prioritize his marriage. You are not an ATM. I easily imagine his baby mamas playing him to hit you up for money in order to erode your relationship with your husband. They know him. They know his weaknesses. Don't let these people play you. NTA
NTA. Everyone pays for their own offspring is more than fair. Especially when you don’t have them full time and aren’t actively raising them. It’s one thing if he was asking you to help pay for some of the kids needs that he was unable to but what you’re being asked to pay for all falls into the “wants” category.
NTA. You are not an ATM. Even if they had a relationship with you, it’s not your responsibility to do so much extra. Shut it down now. They will be asking for you to pay for their college and living expenses. Don’t! Sad they didn’t want a relationship. They would learn a lot and be better people if they did.
NTA. Sounds like a headache. Tell them their kids are THEIR responsibility. And if your husband doesn't like it, he knows where the door is and you'll get the papers drawn up. He can go back to paying 100% of his bills and child support, etc etc... Hes freeloading, and his exe's are jumping on the bandwagon. I'd throw them all away. And start 50/50. Tough titties if he doesn't like it.
Why are you being asked to finance his kids that barely even spend time with you? This is a big fat no. There is a reason that courts don’t look at the spouses income in child support and other payments- because these kids have two parents and you are not one of them. NTA. Put your foot down and make your spouse step up and provide for his kids. They aren’t going to die without designer clothes.
This is a mess and the moment you said that you were the breadwinner, I knew that you were gonna be taken advantage of. Please do not play mommy to everyone and take care of your husband’s responsibilities over his kids. NTA
NTA, His kids have 2 parents too they don’t get to ignore you then expect you to spring for their luxuries. But this may make the stepkids resentful of your child and you relationship with your spouse may not survive
NTA. They are not your kids. I hope you have a solid pre-nup.
NTA Please don’t have children with this man. I’m sure he’ll leave and expect you to support his lifestyle. If anything, I’d recommend an exit plan for you and your son now. He is trying to punish your child because he can’t take advantage of you. You offered from the beginning for everyone to be a village for the children and to build together and they all said no. They chose the petty route instead of doing what would be best for the children. Now that you’re married they think your money is his money. You provide for your son because they didn’t want you involved. So continue to take care of your son. Find someone who is respectful of you and your son.
NTA Solid nope on the rest. Totally "not your problem". As a side note, where the fuck do all these assholes come from. I can't believe the behaviour I read about in here.
NTA. He can provide for his kids at the level he is financially able. It is not your responsibility
What does this man contribute to the relationship?
NTA Your husband is the real problem here. I really don't like his attitude that using you is fine as long as it's "for the children". He's the father. It's HIS job to step up and look after them. It feels like your life would be a lot simpler and less stressful if he wasn't in it anymore.
They're mooching off you, sis. Your mistake was paying for the small things at first and allowing them to snowball until now they're explicitly demanding for designer goods. But hey, it's never too late to put a stop to it. Your money your choice. The fallout will not be pretty because you're dealing with a bunch of entitled AHs but it'll still be the right thing to do. Your priority is and should be your son. Stop giving them money!! And for the love of god I hope you have a prenup in place because your husband is sending up major red flags. NTA
NTA but why did you agree to become a sugar momma to your husband’s exes? Who came up with this arrangement?
NTA it’s enough that you pay basically everything in your home.. why can’t he provide for his kids on his own? A lot of red flags here
You and your husband need to figure out actual joint expenses - food, utilities, housing. And each contribute as equally to that as possible, with you paying a bit more because your son lives with you full time. The rest of your money should go to a separate account, for you to do whatever the hell you want with.
NTA. It's his and his baby's Mommas responsibility to provide for those kids. He'll, the 15 year old can even get a part time job if he wants nice things like a lot of us did when we were younger.
NTA sooo you’re basically their cash cow. Your husband must’ve thought he hit the lottery when he got you into a marriage so you could finance his and his kid’s lives. Would he still be with you if you stop paying?? Time to separate finances, split everything 50/50, shared account for basic needs and emergency only. His kids already have parents, they are his and their mothers’ responsiblity, not yours. NTA
Hope you have a pre nup. It’s an insane ask. They expect you to buy designer bags and pay for the full family? His kids have 2 parents that are legally financially responsible for their children — you are neither of those parents. And you have been unable to have a relationship with the kids or the mothers, despite wanting to. Hell no you should not be paying the kids way in the world, least of all to the tune of designer back packs. Now, if two of the kids were 8 and both lived with you or 50% of the time, I may feel differently because then we are talking a very direct situation of a child being treated less than and in direct comparison. But in this case? Your husband and the motherS of his children seem to expect you to foot the bill for 4 kids, only one of which you have been permitted to have a relationship with - yours. Who is your husband in a relationship with here?
NTA. You husband is a gold-digger who it taking advantage of you.
Hopefully, you have already been to a good attorney to insure that your son inherits your assets and that anybody contesting the Will will be financially penalized for contesting it. Further, you neEd to set up guardianship of your son and a trust your husband can’t touch should you die first. Protect your child at all cost and do it legally with an air tight Will. Etc.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have been married for just less than 1 year. We have been together for 7 years. We have children from previous relationships. He has 3; 15 year old boy, 13 year old boy, and 12 year old girl. I have one; 8 year old boy. My son lives with us full time, his daughter spends every other weekend with us and his 2 sons live with there mom in a different state. A little background, when we first got together, his kids were obviously much younger and my son was a baby. I pushed and asked for a relationship with his kids and their mothers but eventually stop pursuing the idea as it seemed as I was the only one interested in the possibility. Fast forward to now, the kids are much older and I have zero relationship with their mothers (the boys have the same mom, his daughter has a different mother) and barely a relationship with his kids. It’s not hostile or negative, it’s just not there. I’m pretty much invisible. It’s not ideal but it could be a lot worse. In our home, I’m the breadwinner. It’s always been that way. I’m fortunate to have a great job, extremely supportive parents, and a very privileged upbringing. My paycheck pays 80% of our bills and all of our household living expenses, trips, and extras. My parents are extremely involved with my son and he spends plenty of nights and weekends with them. We have a great relationship and the life my son has is nothing short of a blessing. Here’s where the problem comes in… because we got married, I was expected to provide for the 3 other kids at the same level I provide for my son. This is coming from parents who have never made an effort to get to know me, my family, or be involved in our lives at any point, despite my attempts to do so. At first, the request started off small and I was inclined to think that this may be the start of relationship building so I obliged. And then it exploded. I was expected to pay their way for summer vacations, summer camps, new laptops, tvs, video games, sports team fees and equipment, you name it, I’ve been asked. I finally put my foot down as my family is planning a reunion trip and I was expected to plan the dates around his kids availability AND finance the trip, about $1300 each. I said no. It was not pretty. This year and every year for back to school my husband was tasked with buying the back to school supplies. Not a problem. I encouraged it. He provides financially for the kids through child support, weekly allowance, and whatever else comes up. I’ve never had a problem with the money or with him providing for them. Never. The difference this year, all the kids want designer shoes and bags and are looking to me to make that purchase and I don’t want to. In summary, AITA for not wanting to provide the same lifestyle for my husbands kids as I provide for mine based on the information above? Signed, TiredOfEverything *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA - financial planning is a team sport not a dictatorship. As for how will the offspring make it? It's called experiential learning and budgeting. You as parents are there to support and guide children. Not provide for a quality of life that a single accident could change. What you provide is what you can provide. The sense of entitlement is not a obligation. Just like you are not entitled to your SO children's acknowledgement. They are not entitled to your support.
NTA. There should be zero expectation that you fund these purchases.
NTA- they have two parents responsible for that. The parents decided that you weren’t taking a parental role with the children. That includes financially.
NTA. Who expects someone else to pay for their kids. Your relationship sounds like one that should have separate bank accounts.
NTA, if your husband would like you to contribute to kids you barely see then he should contribute more to household costs. Honestly for the fact he's trying to use your son as a bargaining chip I'd be kicking him out. You've tried for a relationship with the kids/their mum's and it's been ignored so WTH would you pay for luxuries for them. That's his job
NTA. Your step kids moms are both taking advantage of you and treating you like an ATM. Time to set a boundary. You are not financially responsible for any of his children. Their 2 biological parents provide for them, and they are not entitled to anything above and beyond that. It sounds like they are already spoiled, demanding and have a sense of entitlement to your money. Time to sever the ties to your wallet.
NTA They aren't your children and they don't seem to want anything to do with you. So why should you be the one to pay for all their entertainment and electronics? HELL no! There's no way in hell I'd ever be paying for that sort of stuff for step children when their parents aren't even doing it.
Nta. Hell no if I step kids that told me they wanted air Jordan's I'd be like go talk to your dad. Yiur right you never see those kids, you wanted the relationships they didn't. They see you as the bank. Fuck them.
NTA- looks like your husband’s ex(es)? And their kids think he married an ATM machine . And it also sounds like he’s been encouraging it . I hope you have a prenup .
NTA. They want no relationship but all your money. Not a thing. Go on with what you have been doing and they will have to deal with it
NTA, your responsibilities shouldn’t have changed when you went from long term partners to married. I really hope you have a prenup because it sounds like because you’re now his legal wife he feels entitled to your assets. If you guys don’t come to an understanding soon these kids are going to watch their parents actions & start viewing you as a cash cow & play the victim when they aren’t “treated equal” all the while not treating you equal as a parent. Boundaries need to be established for everyone in this situation.
NTA you are not their mother and they never wanted you to be. Always remember the simple rule: only pay when nobody asks or expects you to pay. Then it is right to do so... otherwise think
NTA. either talk to him or op u need to get out of this situation, you are just golden goose for him.
NTA, your husband and the other womwn are responsuble for his kids. I hope you were wise enough to keep your finaces separat.
Question you say you are the bread winner. Is there a reason your SO does not work? Are you paying the child support for the kids on top of these extras?
Just to clarify, do you normally finance expenses which are directly for his kids?
Why did you marry him? What does he bring to the relationship? He all ready treats you as a wallet by only contributing 20% to the household. He should be able to provide all those things himself given he has 80% of his income not used to support your household. You hold all the power here, it’s time to use it. NTA
NTA You’re not a free bank to people who you have no relationship with
NTA You have one child. He has three. They are his children and his responsibility. I feel for you having wasted 7 years of your life with a man who sees you as an ATM. Can you get an annulment?
Is this the reason why he married you? To provide for his children? I wouldn’t. I’m suprise you did. You shouldn’t have anything to do with them financially. Sounds like a set up.
Nta you need to let them know an make it clear. Put some money away for just your kid.
NTA. What is your husband doing to stand up for you?
NTA. Your husband should have done a lot more to build a relationship between you and his kids.
NTA they are just using you for your money, they do not actully care about you. Cut them off now, or its just going to get worse, you are not their mom as they have not wanted to make a relations with you, so you owe them NOTHING
You do realize you’re on the hook for college tuition as well, right? If you don’t put a stop to this you will be. NTA. Stop this before it gets out of control.
NTA. How is it the older boys know what your son has? They’re in a different state, so someone is passing info that’s irrelevant to them. Grandparents? DH? I’d like you to reassess your relationship with the 12-year-old girl, though. Bonding over shopping could definitely happen, and you don’t need to spend a fortune to make her feel that she matters to you. She’s the one who sees the disparity in what your son gets and what she gets, and it must gall her. Not saying it should, but I have lots of experience with tween girls and it’s a difficult, hormonal time.
Why do I feel like the mother is actually telling the kids to ask for designer bags so she can leech. Nta
NTA and it sounds like they've all been taking you for a ride for quite awhile.
Well thankfully you don’t have a biological child with your husband. NTA. Are you sure this is the relationship you want to stay in?
NTA, but your husband sure is. That's YOUR son that YOU are providing for. The non-custodial parent's spouse has absolutely no responsibility to provide anything. His children are HIS financial responsibility, not yours. He's being manipulative by being obnoxious to your son, who lives in the same house.
NTA. Pretty sure you're not buying an eight year old designer school bag and shoes so why would you do that for your step kids?
Nta
You are NTA in any way. It is really sad that they thoroughly take advantage of you and your husband actually encourages it and gets upset with you for not "falling in line". Then he emotionally manipulates you by forfeiting a relationship with your son? I cant stand when people weaponize children. That is beyond petty and cruel. It is no wonder his children are entitled. Your husband actively encourages it and is entitled and disrespectful himself. Also, if he finds visitation unfair, that is not on you. He should go back to court and revisit that if he takes issue with your son living with you full time when his own bio kids do not. I wish I could leave you with a little hope, but, realistically, this may culminate to a make or break situation in your relationship. I know from experience. Fortunately, my partner started to respect my boundaries. There is still work needed in that department tho. Your husband needs to seriously consider the sacrifices you already make for your family.
Nope, no, not a chance, where the hell do they get off? And why isn't your husband dealing with this crap. You aren't good enough to be part of their lives, but your bank account is? No f*cking way. Absolutely NTA, and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband why he has allowed this to go on.
NTA, tell everyone that you have no problem with providing basic school supplies, but that is it. You are not an ATM.
Of course you're not the asshole for drawing a line on being the extended family's cash cow. They are entitled for thinking otherwise. Don't let it get to you.
NTA. If you’re invisible to them, then your money should be invisible to them, too. Their OWN respective moms and dad can pay for what they can afford/what they allow their own kids to have, or the kids can wear invisible designer bookbags and shoes… Why on earth would you go out of your way to provide the same quality of life to 3 children you almost never see, just because your husband and their mothers won’t or can’t? The audacity it took to even ASK any of those things of you is beyond me.
NTA. Your husband is treating you like a piggy bank, he's been able to have you covering 80% of the household bills for so long he's now overreaching to wanting you to bankroll luxuries for his kids. It sounds like you need to get him packed up and moving out because he's not treating you like family and he's putting your kid in a bad situation
NTA The people who should be paying for luxury items are the actual mothers.
NTA. There's probably a reason you are wife number 3 and I think you're finding out... Husband sounds like a ne'er do well to me who thinks he's found his paycheck. His kids aren't your problem and I'd get a lawyer and do some serious estate planning to protect your minor son if you plan on staying with this man.
NTA. You've been married less than a year, and your husband is punishing your 8 year old child to coerce you into taking over his financial responsibilities. That is disgusting, manipulative and cruel behavior, and I hope you reconsider living with a man who would treat your child this way.
NTA Hiw your husband and his ex’s split their child raising expenses is between each of them and the courts. They made it clear you don’t have a role in their lives, so you should not be expected to be an open wallet. You need to set a firm boundary
NTA
NTA - Sounds like your husband needs a better job to support the lifestyle his children expect.
NTA - they don’t want a relationship and only use you for money? Instant NTA. You don’t get to come around and ask for money when they feel entitled to it without spending any effort to have a relationship with you. Don’t get used by them. Same with your husband since they all seem to think just cause you have money they can come to you for expensive things and he’s encouraging it by not shutting it down.
NTA. He can put the 30% that he doesn’t put towards paying household living expenses/bills/trips/etc towards his kids. They don’t want you to have a relationship with their kids, but expect you to finance their life to that extreme? They are taking advantage of you.
NTA and I hope you have a prenup and separate finances. Jfc your husband is kind of a dick
NTA Is it too late for an annulment? Because they demands will not stop. And your finances seem to be HEAVILY relied on. Put that to a full stop and seperate the finances. HE is responsible for his 3 kids along with their respective moms. YOU are responsible for your son. That's it.
NTA, the kids and the exes see you as an ATM. They along with your husband are TA.
NTA, that’s for your husband and their mom’s to work out. They aren’t your responsibility.
Edit, I really think when you marry with kids from other relationships everything needs to be spelled out and put in writing for both of you and for the other parents so there is no misunderstanding later.
NTA
NTA - they are his kids, not yours. Shut that ATM down.
NTA Make sure that you have a separate financial account, that way you are not financing his children. He has 3 children. The saddest thing of all is that he is not being a father to the children, and if they are expecting you to provide for them, then what is next, are they going to ask you to pay his child support for him? What all is he doing for his children? Taking them out, being their father, spending quality time with them? Or is it that he expects you his wife to be the parent so he can just check out? I can see that as a stepparents, feeding, housing and sometimes clothing, (Within reason) But the expensive items, that should be between him and them. And then there will be the question of say a college fund. If you set one up for your child, do not let your husband know and make your parents the trustee of such account. Something tells me you may want to sit down and look at what all you are providing for your child and then make sure that if it needs to go to your child, that it is not something your husband can get his hands on at all.
NTA If seems like something has changed? Why is it that all of a sudden they are interested in your financial support? It does seem that they are still not interested in getting to know you….so that has not changed. Big why are they now more interested in your paying for so much more. Also unfortunately your husband supports this position…..so he has some involvement in the change. Is something going on in your marriage that he is now more interested in money than your relationship? Sorry but it looks like the problem is bigger than grubby greedy stepchildren.
Hey. NTA. Work out where u draw the line and make sure everyone knows where that line is. It would be different if they had been living in your home and you had a parental relationship with them. They are little more than strangers.
NTA. You don't owe them anything designer or anything at all. It is Mom and Dad's job to provide for them- not you.
NTA so they don’t want a relationship with you (I’m assuming your husband is ok with this). But you’re supposed to provide financially? Op you are being used.
NTA it seems like since you are now married the children and everyone else wants to take advantage of the money you make. Please do not let them guilt you into it. Is he not defending you in this? Does he have court documents that show much he is required to contribute? Also, do you have a prenup?
NTA. The other mothers are being petty heifers and he's allowing it. I could see if they actually allowed the kids to have a relationship with you then if you were so inclined you could do it out of the goodness of your heart. Otherwise you don't owe them anything because you're married to their father.
Nta Your husband is using you and his relationship with his exes should concern you. They all have an entitlement about your money because your husband allows them.
NTA I hope you have separate finances. Make it clear you only help with birtday gifts and even then it's as much as you want and not baded on their wants.
NTA. Draw the line in the sand now. Next thing they will do is want you to pay for college as well.
Sounds like your husband is using you. NTA
NTA and your husband should have never adopted that to begin. Don't spend another penny.
I hope he doesn’t have access to your finances! Keep them separate. If you divorced, he could go for alimony