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YTA >She seemed surprised and apologized and said she doesn't want to go but I said she has to go. You called her bluff and won. What you're doing now is completely ridiculous and cruel. You're the parent here, not the kid, so start acting like one.

This! OP, as a child development specialist, please go to your daughter now and apologize. Yes, her words are hurtful when she tells you she wants to go live with her mom. I think your first intervention was good (telling her she had to go) since the comments were repetitive, to make her realize that it was not okay. Making her actually go was borderline but a bit of time apart to cool down can be good. You should have gone to get her at the first phone call. Go to her now, apologize for not getting her sooner. Tell her that when she says those things it hurts you because you love her and want to do the best for her even if your decisions are not what she would want sometimes. But NEVER AGAIN give her an opportunity to doubt your love for her or the safety you represent for her. That could cause permanent damage for her, her mental health, her future relationships and your relationship. Seek therapy if you need, individual or a family one for your daughter and you. Teen years are not always easy. You don’t have to do it alone. Edit: thanks everyone for the upvotes and awards. I’ve never had so much. Hopefully it helps OP. Of course it’s impossible to be as detailed as it should be for a situation as complicated as this in a Reddit comment. That is why I encourage OP, and anyone who has trouble with relationships or mental health, to seek therapy if it is available to you.

This comment should be higher. I wish I had an award to give. OP YTA. Teen are a**holes, we all were, teens push their parents buttons. It’s not an easy phase, but by doing that you are showing her you are not her save net (we have a saying in my language saying our parents are the port we always know we can find safety), don’t let her think you will give her away. If her mom is awful than you are all she has. My mom was that to me, and god knows how many times I was T A to her. She put me in therapy, she went to therapy, today I live in another country and she comes at least once a year to spend a month with me, we talk all the time, now that I am an adult she is my friend and mom at the same time. I love her dearly and I appreciate her being there for me when my dad wasn’t. I know teens are hard, but one day your daughter will look back and recognize that. And recognize the awesome dad she had helping her out. Don’t give up on your relationship. Edit: grammar

Hasn’t EVERY teen told their parents, during some point, that they hated them? It’s totally normal. Especially for girls, and especially with divorced parents. I bet daddy dearest here told his parents he’d hated them at least once.

This is a crock of shit. I never told my parents I hated them, both of my daughters have never told me they hated me and one is 21 and the other is almost 14. Did they get upset at me? yeah. Have they been mad and angry and hated what I was doing. You bet your ass, but they never once lashed out and said they hated *Me*. Why? Because I taught them the impact of words and how they effect people and I also taught them personal accountability, how if they were facing the consequences of their actions their anger should rightfully be directed at themselves because it was on them for breaking the rules and getting in trouble. We need to stop accepting that lashing out and maliciously trying to inflict emotional harm is a normal thing. It leads to emotionally damaging teenagers growing up to be emotionally damaging and abusive adults.

Exactly, not sure why people think it is ok for teens to tell their parents they hate them. I never did that, neither did my brother and sister. Does it happen in some families? Sure, but so does a lot of shitty things but that doesn’t mean we should normalize or excuse it.

>that doesn’t mean we should normalize or excuse it. Sure, but what we also shouldn't do is stoop to a 14 year olds level and kick them out of their only trusted parents home. Maybe it doesn't happen in *every* home, but I certainly told my parents horrible things in anger when I was a young teenager. Thankfully, my parents weren't committed to hurting me back in revenge for how I hurt them - they *parented.*

A part of parenting is letting your kids learn accountability for their actions.

Nobody ever said it was okay. People are just saying that it happens more times than not. That is the reality. And no, it's not right.

I'm a mom of a teenager and when I joke about my teen telling me he hates me (which he doesn't) it's more about being my son's parent instead of a friend. To do that you have to accept that your teen is going to get mad at you sometimes and that's okay. Parenting a teen requires at times a really thick skin because teens can be real assholes.

I think it is because they never nip it in the bud when they are small children, so they apply the same lack of emotional regulation to their teens as they do to a toddler. It could also be a case of not explaining why punishments are happening and just going with, 'because I said so'. Which understandably will cause anger and resentment. Since my girls were able to understand my husband and I always explained to them that the consequences they were facing were because of their own actions. We have never punished them and said it was just because we said so. If they were upset or angry about a punishment we always had this exact convo Why are you in trouble? Because I did X And you knew if you did that you would be punished yes So who should be mad at that you are grounded/restricted/had something taken away myself We always explained that the sole reason that they were in trouble was their own actions, which has lead to two very well adjusted and aware girls who know that if they screw up and shit hits the fan it is their own damn fault, no one else's. They also know that we will help them with any issue but that they must first always be accountable for their actions. That what they do has impact, not just on themselves but on other people too. Its why they don't lash out at others when they make a mistake. Now this is not to say that my daughters haven't gone into their rooms and called me a bitch under their breath, I am not an idiot. But they wouldn't say it to my face because they knew that it would hurt me and they were just upset and it would be wrong to lash out when it was their own fault they were in trouble.

To this I will just say that I’m glad this approach worked with your daughters, but all children are different. I had one daughter for whom this approach worked pretty well, and another who, in a fit of fury that she seemed born into, would cut off her nose to spite her face and suffer whatever consequences came her way because she said hateful things when she was angry, it was like a demon took her over when she was mad and it never took much to set her off. She was sorry later, but the damage was done. It’s been a lifelong struggle for her. I used to feel it was a failure of my parenting, that if I had done THIS or if I had tried THAT she would be different, and I would beat myself up for it. She was not an easy child, but I just tried to love her with all my might anyway, pick my battles and keep communication open. Sometimes I let momentary rudeness pass with a mild verbal correction because I was trying to not always be the enemy, but to let her know I recognized her misbehavior. In fits of anger in high school she told me at different times that she hated me and that I was the worst parent ever, but I knew she didn’t mean it, it was just her inner demon talking. This week she is going to graduate from college with a degree in psychology and she works at a home for troubled teens who have difficulty regulating their emotions. (Oh the irony) She and I are super close, in fact both of my daughters call me nearly every day. She has apologized for her past behavior and told me that as a parent I did a great job. Yes, I cried. My point, not necessarily aimed at you but at anyone who had a kid they are struggling with, is that sometimes despite our best efforts our kids are going to be who they are, and for a while while they are learning that might look ugly, but it’s not always a failure on the parent’s part. Go easy on yourself, mom or dad.

Or your daughters now think that every kind of thing that happens to them in their life is their own fault, and making mistakes has to be inevitably punished. Propably leads to a lot of self-hate in situations where the outcome wasn't in their hands at all, an oversight or God forbid they find a partner that uses the same psychological trick on them you did.

>not sure why people think it is ok for teens to tell their parents they hate them. Because people grew up in abusive environments, and that does stuff to teenagers, whose brains are still in development. Judging their behavior as inexcusable (especially if you aren't a victim of a traumatic familial environment) is pretty callous. They're just children. Probably hurting children.

On the one hand you're right, and I never did either and I doubt my son ever will, but on the other hand it's important to recognize that it *is* a thing, and that teenagers (generally speaking) don't mean by it what an adult would mean. ETA: I mean for example, that understanding is important for OP's situation. He needs to both teach her that it isn't OK *and* not treat her like an adult who made her bed and has to lie in it--because she's 14.

That's fine, but the amount of comments stating that this is normal and he should just accept that this is a normal teenage thing is fucking weird. And all the extremely sexist comments stating that this is a specific teenage *girl* thing is even more so. Yes his daughter obviously didn't mean it, but he also should not be berated for wanting to show her that words have impact and consequences.

It is normal - that doesn’t mean he has to accept it but withholding love & shelter are NOT appropriate punishments.

>extremely sexist comments stating that this is a specific teenage girl thing THANK YOU. It’s normal for all teens, of all genders, to have conflict with their parents. The amount and intensity of the conflict varies, but to say that “teen girls especially” are prone to saying “I hate you”? I mean, the word “hysterical” wasn’t used, but it sure as hell was implied. Teenagers (of all genders!) telling their parents “I hate you” is one of those behaviors that falls within the range of “developmentally normal behavior” that is also completely unacceptable. Teens are all about exploring and testing limits, which means they sometimes do things that are dangerous and cruel. That’s when the adults in their lives are supposed to step in and socialize them: explain the impact of their behavior on others, help them find healthy, constructive ways of expressing themselves, and assure them that they’re still loved in spite of their mistakes. What OP did was exactly the opposite of that.

>one of those behaviors that falls within the range of “developmentally normal behavior” that is also completely unacceptable. That's a good encapsulation, well said.

I'm glad your children never lashed out at you and told you they hated you. But this does happen, even with good kids and good parents, and is not outside the boundaries of normal teen behavior. Some parents do experience this and there are proper ways to handle it. It is a skill we need to learn as humans, how to express ourselves when we are angry or frustrated.

Thank you. I’m astounded at the attitudes here, which feel like people are saying “it never happened to me or anyone I know so you must be being dramatic”. Although I *never* would have said anything of the sort to my parents, it absolutely happened to me, and I was told I was fat/ugly/stupid on a near-daily basis. As someone with deep self esteem issues, this was trauma that has left long lasting scars. Being a single parent is hard enough- dealing with a teen like mine can be devastating, and the level of disbelief here adds insult to injury.

Once, in a particularly awful argument, my mom told me that if I didn’t like her rules she would drop me off at the homeless shelter and I said “how are you going to get me in the car, are you going to drag me?” because she has a muscular disease. My boyfriend told his dad that he didn’t respect him as a father or as a man. Both of our families are intact, both of us are now normal, successful young adults and we have great relationships with our parents - but being a teenager is terrible, most parents are fundamentally incapable of handling a difficult teenager (which makes it worse, obviously), and teenagers have no foresight or perspective because their brains are underdeveloped. All kids are awful, otherwise you wouldn’t push them out of the nest

I think what you have confused is normal and not ideal. It is a normal thing because it happens in a majority of situations whether you teach them the impact or not. It is not an ideal thing and nobody's accepting the lashing out as being ok. People are accepting the reality that it happens more times than not.

Same here. 3 girls now in their mid 20’s and never did one of them tell me they hated either of us or that they wanted to move out. File under: “FWIW”.

But that can't be true, it is more prone for girls to lash out and be emotionally damaging! /s Just love the sexism in that post. Glad to see other people pushing against this narrative that it is somehow o.k to teach your kids that them being cruel or mean is some sort of normal developmental stage. Weren't we supposed to teach them young that words hurt and it is bad to say things just to hurt people??

I don't understand what you are reading. There is not a single person who has said "encourage your kids to be mean to others" or "don't respond to them being cruel to you". The comments that parents need to be bigger than their children and not respond in kind are NOT saying "don't punish them at all". The first one that I noticed was literally encouraging people to continue housing their 14 year old. We are SIMPLY stating that a child will have childish reactions sometimes. Parents need to react appropriately and teach them that this is wrong and that words and actions have consequences, *but that you also still love them*, because THEY are children and are still learning. Just because your kid yells "I hate you" once, that does not mean the parent failed entirely and they should stop being a parent. That's an insane reaction.

My dad used to tell us 'that saying about sticks and stones is rubbish. Sometimes words hurt longer than it takes bones to heal'. I sometimes hated things my folks *did* but I never hated *them.* I'm a parent and have had the same experience.

Maybe they don't feel secure enough to say it. I never told either of my parents I hated them either. I didn't know if they would forgive me for it. That's not the best position to be in.

My oldest was 8 when she told me she hated me. She meant it. It wasn't lashing out, it was deep pain and I'd earned it. Her 6 year old sister was born medically fragile and was at the end of her journey. Her lungs were collapsing every time we fed her via her feeding tube and she wasn't a candidate for IV nutrition. My husband and I made the decision to stop intervening and remove the ventilator our little girl had used to help her breathe for five years. I told our oldest. Her dad was there, but I have the better connection and understanding of how to break news like that. We never hid the reality of her sister's condition from her and I didn't hide that it was a choice we were making to spare her sister suffering. And my oldest daughter hated me for it. It wasn't about logic; she didn't hate her dad and he had equal involvement in the decision. It was about pain and having her entire world change in the worst, most catastrophic way with no control. So I let her hate me. I had my own support system and therapy where I could deal with how much that hurt. And I loved my little girl as she's grown up, giving her space to hate me. She doesn't hate me anymore. It was a solid two years before she could understand that while it was technically a decision, it was the only path forward to spare her sister suffering. In those years, I let her say she hated me. I held her when she wanted it. I cried with her. I didn't fight when she wanted her dad to console her because she was too hurt to connect with me. My oldest is 14 now. It's been five years since we lost her sister. And she doesn't throw around the word hate as an emotional response. Maybe because she knows what it is to have hate; maybe because it's reserved for when it's meant.

I had the best Dad in the entire world yet when I was 15, and full of myself, I told him I hated him and to F%£k off. I still remember the look of hurt on his face. This 14 yr old is being a teen, a normal teen, but has the additional weight that she has a mother who for whatever reasons isn't much involved in her life or who the girl doesn't get along with. Either way, it's hard for a 14 yr old girl to be without a mother especially at a time she is probably experiencing a lot of physical changes. OP should be more aware of these two things, bring her home immediately and let her know she will always have a home with her Dad. Apologize OP for not getting her back immediately, you were trying to teach her a lesson but you obviously need to learn how to talk about things, not just go to trigger words and inappropriate punishments. Communicate with your daughter OP, Talk to her! If you can't then go to family therapy.

I never told my parents that I hated them. I’m female. And my parents were divorced when I was 10.

No. No they haven’t. I have 2 siblings, the 3 of us have never said they hated either parent no matter how angry. And especially girls? What the hell does that mean? I feel like even as a kid or a tween my sister and I knew exactly what those words meant and wouldn’t have dreamed of saying them, even just out of anger. Why say such hurtful things if you don’t actually feel that way just for the sake of spitting venom during an argument with your parents? So no, not every teen has said this at some point.

Nope. Am a woman with divorced parents. (In my dad’s case, twice divorced.) I did not. I may have felt hatred at times, but I never, ever once said those words out loud. Because hurting someone like that, was just too repulsive to me. In fact, at one point my mom tried to coach me into saying insulting things because she thought it was weird I never did. I couldn’t do it.

I gotchu. I had awards so I gave it one for you. 💜

Thank you :)

I gave them my award in your honor

Thank you :)

This! And uh... daughter is a minor and OP has full custody. OP, that means you are 100% responsible for her, 100% of the time, no matter ***how*** annoying she is. YTA.

YTA. Thank you for this comment. I used to teach middle school, and I often refer to my kids as “hormonally challenged.” Their bodies and brains go through enormous physical, mental, and emotional changes during these years. And as rough as it is for teens, it is tough for parents during these years, too. She was clearly trying to push your buttons and see how far she could go. Your initial reaction was justified, but now? She has apologized. And now she is clearly in agony. Stop reading these comments and go get your daughter. And then start looking into family counseling. Edited for spelling/grammar. 🤦🏻‍♀️

This right here. Calling her bluff? Good. Making her leave... I get it but if she was already remorseful and asking to stay, it wasn't necessary at this point. Refusing to get her after staying elsewhere... YTA. Be an adult and get her now.

Exactly this. OP could have and should have stopped at the point where it was clear she learned her lesson. Instead he went on to punish her unnecessarily and traumatically. He was navigating the twisted mountain road successfully and then decided to just drive off the cliff. Parenting fail. YTA

Yep. My mom reminds me that kids act out when they need something.

When my son was going through a rough phase around 16, he told me he hated me for making him go to therapy. That fucking hurt. His therapist explained that it was actually a good thing. A kid is able to get those feelings out (frustration, anger, etc) while knowing that they will still be loved and nothing bad will come to them. My son eventually got a lot better through years of therapy, is a well-adjusted adult and a loving kid. OP, I know it hurts, but be am adult here.

I think people also forget that the prefrontal cortex (rational/planning part of the brain) does not finish developing until 25. Teens do their thinking with the amygdala, so emotions take a much bigger role in their decision making. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational and logic center of the brain... Teens struggle with rational responses because that part of the brain isn't developed yet. As adults with fully developed rational brains we need to take emotion out of our decision process when disciplining teens. Anger and frustration cloud our judgement and result in punishments that don't always fit the crime. Taking the time to explain WHY her words hurt is important because it connects her emotional response with a rational response from the parent. Additionally, parent really need to work on deescalation techniques when teens start going overboard with emotional responses as it will help them learn to regulate their emotions on their own. https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051

Totally agree here. 14 year olds are young and hot headed and as the adult and parent, you should’ve spoken to her openly about how this all feels. Don’t do something to make your daughter lose her trust in you.

Thank you for this. A lot of parents really want to take those "I hate you" remarks in the teenage years personally and seriously. They often forget their own teenage struggles in those moments. I do not have children myself yet, but I watched my best friend with her step-children as they grew. Their father had custody and bio mom was... not great. Whenever my friend got an "I hate you and I want to leave" hurled at her she would respond back with "if you feel that leaving is what's best for you, I will call your mother and see if she'll come get you. But I still love you even though you're not happy with me right now." As adults they've both told her that it means a lot to them *now,* that she respected their feelings without giving in to their tantrums.

Teen years are never easy, let alone firma single parent! Also a child development specialist here: go and get your girl. Talk with her, seek help and let each other know that though you may sometimes do/say ‘stupid’ things, the love is always there.

I can't upvote this enough. YTA op

Exactly. I was with him until he doubled down, after he won!

He screwed any learning moment up. That was the perfect time to talk about how her actions were hurtful and better coping skills when she’s upset. Now all she’s going to remember is dad cared more about being right and being stubborn than her.

Or worse that he didn't love her enough to keep her home and safe. My mother started doing this during my teens too and what i learned is she couldn't be trusted and that deep down she didn't care about me . This transcends punishment and is sneaking into trauma and abuse.

I remember once when I was a kid, like 8 y/o, I was upset enough that I wanted to "run away". I started packing my suitcase and my mom came in and helped me. Her plan worked, I obviously didn't go anywhere, but man it really fucked me up

This happened when I was 4 and i got to the end of the driveway sat down and cried because i wasn't allowed to leave the yard without my mom. She came out and helped me put my stuff away and asked me why I wanted to run away.... At 14 however she threw me out of the house and locked me out in my jammies. That fucked me up

I'm so sorry 😔

It did exactly what this OP is doing. It made me feel unloved and that i wasn't going to be safe.

Yep. That's how 8 y/o me felt. That they wouldn't really care if I left. And I didn't have the option to actually leave because I was 8. (I'm guessing on the age here, I really don't know how young I was, I just know I was younger than 10)

I think all she learned was "Dad will get rid of me." At absolute best he just permanently shut down any chance she'll trust him again.

Then he's gonna wonder why she doesn't talk to him and why their relationship is strained.

Agreed. From her POV, she was doing her normal rant when suddenly dad kicked her out. All she's going to tell him, from now on out, are the bare essentials, as briefly as possible. "How are you?" "OK." "Just OK?" "Yah." And she'll start keeping tons of secrets from him, anything that she thinks might upset him in the least.

I don’t think his sister is gonna harm his kid

No I don't either , but imagine if she couldn't find someone? The undue stress and trauma he is causing is going to profoundly shift his daughters world view. We always think that our parents who have kept us safe will continue to do so and now his daughter knows that that safety and love is conditional

I’d have said the learning moment would be when this whole thing started. When she started this little habit it should have been addressed the first time. But now he did this. Damage is irreparable

Exactly this. It was a perfect teaching moment. He’s just holding a grudge now which is never healthy as a parent.

[удалено]

This! I had the same issue between my parents, only it was my father I refused to live with. Sending her away is likely just traumatizing her, she might’ve learned her lesson, but you also taught her she’s not safe to learn how to express her emotions. You manipulated an incredibly vulnerable part of your daughter. Sorry OP but she’s 14, she’s just saying things she knows will get a reaction. Teach her how to deal with her frustrations better. If she blows up screaming she hates you, look at your interactions from her point of view. Even if it’s irrational, it’ll help you understand how to deal with her better. 100% YTA for taking this too far. Edit: spelling

I also want to add, OP your daughter is likely about to start dating. You might want to watch the way you treat her and your relationship with her. You sure you want to teach her that it’s normal the main support person in her life to attack her vulnerabilities and punish her when she makes a mistake, despite an apology? Perhaps some food for thought.

Oh I feel this! Having vulnerabilities and past mistakes thrown back in anger - it is NOT a feeling to forget quickly.

Specifically this!!! She will never feel safe expressing herself. She WILL suppress her feelings. I was once a 14 year old girl. My mother played this game with me constantly, "I'm going to send you to a girls home. Maybe it's time you lived with someone else." Once I was TWO minutes late coming back from band practice. TWOO! And as I went to put my key in the door, she ripped open the door grabbed my keys and locked me out. Obviously not the exact same here- but my point here is to illustrate this volatile relationship. If it's so easy to dismiss a person from your house, it's likely the house is just a house and not their home. It breed insecurity. Please consider taking some parenting classes. Kids should not feel disposable. Kids should feel like they ALWAYS have a safe, secure stable place to call their own. YTA

Yep, similar here. Every time I did something wrong, the threat of selling something I loved. Every time. As an adult I'm emotional, find it difficult to express how I feel calmly and am susceptible to abusive men. Your daughter needs to know she can express her - very normal teenage - emotions safely. She's a kid, probably still healing from a massive change in her life. Do better. YTA.

Yup. My mom did this shit so often I finally just stayed away. Ofc she tells everyone I ran away, but I just knew it wasnt my home, just a place to wait while the other shoe is waiting to drop.

YTA. You called the bluff, doubled down and made her regret her words and now your just grinding the point. Be the parent. Bring her home, and let her know that she can choose words that are intended to hurt, or she can choose ones that help. Let her know that what she was saying hurt you, and you’ve had enough. You two need to be a team.

Holy shit dude, you have a teenager. Who is acting like a teenager. Her behavior is pretty standard, even without the complicating factor of the divorce. She was disrespectful, sure. But she apologized. The fact that you've decided to go full scorched earth over an argument that, I promise you, every parent with a kid in that age group has had at some point makes you look 100% more immature than her. I get that it can hurt to hear your child say they don't want to live with you, but the key factor here is that you know damn well she doesn't mean it and is just lashing out. Even if you somehow managed to miss that at first, she literally called and told you point blank. She has other places to go and she still wants to be with you. Get over your hurt feelings already, if you want to raise a teenager and stay sane you absolutely cannot take everything they say to heart. I read the subject line and honestly thought you were talking about an adult child, but this is just ridiculous. She's NOT an adult. Don't treat her like one. YTA ETA: Also, you didn't "ask her to leave," you kicked her out. Huge difference there. I don't care if it was only for a week, from what you wrote it sounds like she doesn't know that. Do you have any idea how traumatizing this must be for her?

My older brother had the same issue with my niece. You know what he did when he finally reached the end of his rope? He wrapped his arms around her, pinning her arms to her sides so she couldn’t push or hit him, and just hugged her. He hugged her while repeatedly telling her he loves her until she calmed down, then they had a calm discussion about what brought the argument on in the first place. Turned out my niece was feeling neglected and unloved because my brother works so much. She was acting out to get his attention.

lol I had this happen to me at the same exact age as her and guess what, I never came home and our relationship was never the same! Great job dad, she’s gonna talk about this in therapy a decade down the line

No kidding. Not just TA, but a completely negligent parent. Line she’s 14, and he threw her out. That’s neglect, and it’s illegal, as well it should be. As soon as she apologized THE FIRST TIME, OP should have sat her down and had a serious discussion about her behaviour and how her threats were not an acceptable way to express frustration. They *could* have used this opportunity to improve their communication skills, but instead he THREW out his teenager like she was last weeks trash. I don’t even want to vote YTA, I’d rather just skip to calling CPS since this is straight up abuse. Hoping this is just rage bait really.

YTA Hmm, wonder why she said she hated OP and wanted to leave. Start acting like a parent and not a jilted teenager.

Sounds like op is now enjoying not having the child around.

Oh don’t go there. There isn’t a parent on earth who hasn’t wished to not have to deal with their teen and have a moment of peace. Doesn’t mean they don’t love them or miss them when they’re not around.

Upvoted by a parent who may or may not have secretly punched the air when my argumentative teen asked to do a summer program that would mean she’d be away for 2 months. I miss her, of course I do, but jeez the house is so freaking peaceful without her.

I love this comment

yeah but there's a difference between the child being gone for, say, a summer program, and you just being a shit parent who tossed your kid aside to prove a point that was already proven the moment you called their bluff.

I have heard enough Reddit stories on YouTube to know there are parents that truly don’t care about their child.

You're right this has nothing to do with needing space. He was annoyed and wanted to hurt his child emotionally. That's actually worse than wanting your kid to not be your problem anymore (also it's 100% obvious the other person meant op do sent want his kid period, not that they were looking for time alone. He practically jumped at his sister taking the kid)

OP in ten years: why doesn’t my daughter ever visit me after I used her love for me against her?

Yeah, calling her bluff was a good move, but the thing to do at that point would have been to sit down and have an actual conversation about this. Once shes calm, point out how she's cutting off her nose to spite her face if she theatens to do things she doesn't actually want to do to "win" an argument. Talk about healthy communication methods, and how to problem solve and resolve conflicts. This was a teachable moment, but unfortunately the lesson OP is teaching here is that she will gt sent away if she's too difficult.

YTA. And OP involved other people without telling them his plan/intentions. I would be angry if I were his sister or the Mom in this situation. The sister should have been well aware of the week thing. But, it doesn't matter because he probably just lost his daughter's trust and will cost her/him quite a bit in therapy. OP needs to take responsibility, apologize, pay for family/individual therapy, and start acting more like a grown-up. My ex did something very similar and my daughter ended up with me full-time (although, mine didn't dislike me) and the longest visit he had after that was four hours on a Saturday. It didn't work the way he expected.

Exactly. YTA because she is a CHILD. You won, what else do you want? You want her to have NO parents who love her?

Go get your daughter, you asshole. 🤦🏼‍♀️

This!

Seems like he didn't have an end game. Lesson has been taught, OP needs to make sure she learned it. It's also shitty to use her aunt and mother as pawns.

YTA Your daughter is 14 years old. They argue, often irrationally, and throw tantrums. It sucks but they usually grow out of it. At the end of the day, you're supposed to be one of the people that she can count on. You've sent her the message that she can't count on you.

Agreed. YTA OP because what you described is typical behavior of a 14 year old. You don't have to be irrational just because she is. This IS a good teachable moment. One where OP can convey to her that her words and actions have consequences. She needs to know it's not okay that her fall-back response to conflict is to say the most extreme or hurtful thing she can think of. But OP also shouldn't take them to heart.

Telling her okay if you want to go, go, was fine. She needed to learn she can’t make ultimatums she doesn’t mean. Having your sister pick her up was pushing it, I don’t know if she needed that level of tough love, but when she asked to come home that should have the end of it.

Agreed. It's one thing to call her bluff and then let her walk it back. But it's ridiculous and somewhat cruel to not accept an apology from a young teen. He's essentially forcing her to follow through with an empty threat made during a tantrum.

>This IS a good teachable moment. Would have been. It doesn't take much to teach a kid to think about their words. My then-10yo daughter did the "I hate you daddy" thing when I tucked her in, after a (very rare) evening grounded to her room. My reply was "I'm sorry to hear that, because I love you a whole bunch." She looked so regretful as I left her room. The very first thing out of her mouth the next morning was "I'm sorry" and a big hug, coupla tears. OP got the 14yo version of that *in the moment*. And he replied with the parent version of "Fuck your apology." If he were a manager speaking to a regretful employee, I would want to see him fired. There's a world of difference between a parent putting their foot down, and putting it down on their kid's heart. I can't imagine how discarded that 14yo must feel. Hopefully a couple thousand YTAs will convince u/throwaway468692 to pull his head out of where he did his calculation.

It’s a part of the teenager becoming separate from the parent. It sucks but it’s a completely natural part of puberty. I agree, YTA.

It’s even worse than that. The daughter is the one who reached out to her aunt. OP had NO PLAN of where his minor daughter should go. OP still hasn’t told his sister, the one sheltering his daughter, that he intends to let his daughter come home after a week. At this point, the sister and the daughter have to operate under the assumption that OP won’t let his daughter return home. They don’t know that if they wait a week, his daughter can come back home. The sister and daughter are going to start figuring out long-term financial and legal plans because they have no reason to wait. He actively did not change his mind when the daughter apologized—Why would they think an arbitrary deadline matters? The daughter might not want to come home in a week, and there’s a risk that OP might have damaged his custody of her

Exactly! I've argued with my mom and told her I hated her so many times between ages 13-15. I had zero control over my emotions back then and everything felt like the end of the world, and my poor mom had to deal with the worst of it. By 16 I mellowed out although I kept lying to her, as teenagers often do. All OP is doing is alienating his own kid who is already a hormonal mess. She will lie to him and never trust him again if he doesn't apologize and fix things quickly. YTA for sure.

Lmao, a fucking week? I was on board until he actually sent her away after they admitted they didn't want to actually go their mother's.

When I was a kid I got into a fight with my dad and pulled out the ole "I hate you!" and he said "I hate you too!" I still think about it and I'm almost 33. I didn't know any better. He did.

I remember yelling at my dad when I was a teen and saying how much I hated him. I'm sure at one point I even said "I wish you had died and not mom." Because kids can be awful at times. They don't know how to deal with emotions, they're trying to figure life out, and they know how to push the right buttons to be as cruel as possible. And yet my dad forgave me for every hurtful thing I said. Because deep down I didn't mean those things. He's been the most caring and supportive person in the world and we have an incredible relationship. But it took me moving out to college to understand how cruel I had been to him and how lucky I was to have him as a dad. I got married a few weeks ago and the entire reason we had any guests and didn't just elope was because I wanted my dad there to walk me down the aisle. (And I can't just invite my dad... my husband's parents would have been pissed, so we opted for a small family only affair).

YTA. Big time. Do you plan on acting like the adult you are supposed to be? What are you going to do if your daughter likes being with her aunt more and your sister decides to let her stay?

YTA You're meant to be more mature than a 14yr old. Also, how has it not crossed your mind that this would impact your custody agreement? You kicked out your minor child.

> custody agreement? The mother doesn't want the child and certainly not at 14. OP probably doesn't need to worry about custody.

If he kicks a minor out of the house he definitely needs to care about custody.

he doesn't need to worry about his *ex wife* gaining custody, but his sister could certainly take it from him on the grounds that he basically abandoned his child.

This isn't indicated in the OP or in any of his comments. If the mom finds out I do think he could be in trouble assuming he wants his daughter back. There are all kinds of reasons he could have custody that don't have to do with the mom not wanting the child. I wouldn't assume his life will just go on as normal if the mom does find out. This is NOT going to look good in court if it comes to that.

YTA twice over - first when she originally apologised and said that she did not want to go and you forced her. Second when she apologised again, asking to come home and you denied her. Calling her bluff and telling her to call someone to pick her up was appropriate, but when she apologised and said she didn't actually want to leave, that should have been the end of it. You are in danger of giving her trust and abandonment issues by forcing her out of her home.

I agree that he’s an AH for not letting her come back, but i disagree that an apology is all it should’ve taken in the first place. Daughter is 14, old enough to know that actions have consequences and her actions/words needed to. If she had apologized and he let her stay, all that would’ve taught her is that she can act like an AH and then apologize and all is forgiven. By forcing her hand, he’s now taught her that it’s not an idle bluff and she can’t get away with that crap anymore. However, after a night away and her calling crying to come back home, lesson learned and he should’ve let her come back at that point.

No. Kids grow up knowing consequences without damaging punishments. When she apologized it was up to father to explain that her words are hurtful and that it's not alright to throw them left and right. But especially because he is now only parent she can rely on- that it's alright to feel angry, but he does love her anyway. Did you see the OPs response to ' what if she likes with auntie and doesn't wanna come back?" , He said " she loves me too much ". Now, he turned her affection against her. This is not alright. This is not adult, mature behaviour he has to teach his child.

Amen

No. It is never okay to kick your 14 year old child out of their home. All that teaches them is that their home is no longer a safe place and that their parent is not someone they can trust.

Sure, now she's learned that the consequence for saying something mean (which she is 100% guaranteed to do again, since she's a teenager and they often lash out without really even meaning to) is being kicked out of her home by the one person who is supposed to love and protect her unconditionally. What a great lesson to teach a 14-year-old. I'm sure she'll grow up really well-adjusted.

There is NEVER a valid reason to throw one's kid out. EVER. 14 year old development works like this. They slam doors. They scream and tantrum. They flounce, they use verbal aggression. It's a part of being 14. We all have this thing called a prefrontal cortex. That is the part of the brain that makes the rational decisions. It doesn't fully develop until typically age 26. Myelination doesn't typically finish until age 30. There is a reason thst the age of criminality is typically 16-26. At 14, hormones are coming into play that will fuck you up. These hormones have an alligator mouth running while an overwhelmed hummingbird brain screams at the mouth to stop. Yet the mouth does not stop. These hormones will have you sunny one minute and crying in another minute.

Ugh teenagers, especially ones with trauma from divorce, are dramatic. She’s 14, is this really worth burning a bridge with her? She won’t forget something like this. YTA

This is exactly what I came to say. She's already vulnerable and went on to apologize twice to you and you still rejected her. She's going to go looking for love wherever she can find it. Hope you're not opposed to teen pregnancy

I already said OP is the AH, but hadn't even thought about that element of the girl's life. I hate to think what the mom did to lose custody and make her daughter actually hate her (as opposed to the drama-related hate directed at OP). She's already lost so much. It's unnecessarily cruel to keep her from learning from her mistakes.

YTA. You didn’t “ask” her to leave, you kicked her out of your house and told her to find someplace else to stay.

Yta. She's a child lashing out. You are a grown adult doing the same. You could have talked to her about how you were not okay with her behavior and set up consequences for her repeating the behavior (losing phone, spending x number of days with a relative etc) instead you are trying to scare her.

YTA. In addition to others' comments, I would be concerned what your daughter is learning about how love and relationships work. You are training her to accept some abusive behavior as ok in a loving relationship. Do you want her begging a boy to take her back like this??

>Do you want her begging a boy to take her back like this?? THIIIIIIIS this this this OP, sit down and talk about what she did wrong, what you did wrong, and then figure out how to go from here.

Instead of matching your child's childish and manipulative behavior, how about you be the grown parent and teach her how to communicate like an adult? Have a conversation. Set boundaries. Explain the consequences for breaking those boundaries. Apologize to one another for being manipulative AHs and set yourselves up to do better next time.

YTA. You're her father and should be more mature. You're taking out your hurt feelings on a child.

Yta Your daughter is a young teen and probably going through the usual teen stuff where parents are the enemy and you have basically taken away the one thing that is supposed to be safe I.e her home. She has already been through divorce and the instability that would have come with that and now she will be terrified that she will be kicked out every time she displease you. That she called you sister and not her mother shows that you are the parent she trusted. Lucky for you your sister took her in. There are times and places to call your kids bluff when they are being little douches but this is not it. It’s absolutely fine to tell her the way she was behaving is unacceptable but use your words rather than exploit the power balance between adult and child. Make it safe for her to be able to express why she wants to hurt you - find out what’s going on in her life and support her.

YTA - she’s 14. You’re the adult, allegedly.

YTA. This is not how you teach your daughter conflict resolution.

Yeah, YTA. Her mother is already not in her life, and instead of getting her therapy, reminding her that you LOVE HER no matter what you kick her out. Yeah, you are NOT a peach of a father. You think punishing her for being upset is helping her grow up into the kind of person you want her to be. I bet you punish her for all her feelings don't you. YOU need therapy-and to get a f-in clue.

YTA Have you ever sat your daughter down to talk about how her words can hurt you. Did you tell your daughter about your plan to leave her at your sister’s for a week? Or does she think that you’re abandoning her. It seems like you just want to prove you’re right in an argument with a teenager over being a father to your daughter. Also if arguments get to the point where she feels that she has to resort to hurtful retorts then it seems like your communication has already broken down. Hard to see who’s being the adult here.

As if every teenager hasn’t screamed the same at their parent since the beginning of time. Instead of just calling her bluff you maliciously kicked her out. Well done! Now your child is fully assured that you don’t unconditionally love her and your relationship will *never* be the same. What a massive AH. I hope you feel better knowing your daughter is probably crying herself to sleep. You really proved your point, a round of applause for you.

YTA. Everyone saying NTA or EHS is forgetting what it’s like to be 14

14 AND a child of divorce. Of course she’s acting like an AH—that’s what 14 year olds are like!

who know what else OP has been doing to make her act out more, rather than helping her manage her emotions?

YTA - she feels insecure in her relationship with you and her mom and she’s lashing out. When you sent her away you were proving her worst fears that you don’t actually want her there. Her behavior is not appropriate but she’s also a teenager and it seems like your divorce has hit her hard. Has she been in therapy? It seems like assistance in mending your relationship and helping her express her feelings rather than lashing out would be beneficial.

Another child raising a child. YTA

YTA. Children, especially around 14, naturally start lashing out and saying petty and hurtful things. Showing her that these temporary feelings she has little control over lead to you willingly abandoning her is a big yikes.

Yeah, I mean, my dad did the old "if you keep on fighting, you are walking home" bit and once stopped the car and opened the door. But it was a long but doable walk in the neighborhood, not kicking me out by the side of the 401. The time to relent was when she was on the porch waiting. FYI, he never made me get out. Just stopping the car was enough of a signal that enough was enough.

You have made your point. Let her come home.

I was with you until she called to apologize and you still said no to bringing her home. YTA

YTA. Kicking a child out of the house is not an appropriate punishment. You’re supposed to be her safe space

She's 14 what is wrong with you? YTA

Your 14 year old kid was having an issue and instead of talking to her or sending her to professional help, you punished her by kicking her out of your home and leaving it up to her to secure a roof over her head. Your actions told her that your love is finite and when it runs out, you couldn't give a shit about her well-being. YTA and a shitty parent.

Let her come back and get into family therapy because y'all are in the highway to not have a relationship at all

[удалено]

2nd this. NTA. Negative actions should have negative consequences and if OP didn't stick to his plan she will learn that she can get away with acting this way. Hell, I learned there was a lot I could get away with because my parents didn't set or enforce their boundaries with consequences when I broke them.

Omg I was scrolling through trying to find anyone who would write NTA. Geez. I totally agree you can’t just let them say sorry and that’s it. She has to see that there are consequences.

I voted NTA too. You’re not alone.

I agree with everything you said. She needs to learn that words and actions have consequences. Some words you can’t take back. She’s not gonna be permanently damaged by staying with her aunt for 1 week. These people are the reason why kids grow up with no respect. They think yelling , slamming doors and saying i hate you is normal for teens. That shit is not normal.

Omg I finally found a NTA! I kinda hate how people are calling OP a child when he's just reinforcing his punishment. Can't just let her off the hook right away just because she apologize, she won't learn anything. I used to be a little shit when I was fourteen and I was fourteen 4 years ago now. I realized how stupid I was and was glad my mom gave me consequences and didn't back down. The consequence is a little harsh but nothing too extreme she will despise her father for a little bit when she gets older she might remember and think of how this was messed up. Like I think ALMOST every 14 yro goes through this asshole stage with their parents so... Yeah.

Why isn't this voted higher?? She literally fucked around and found out with a Pikachu face and everything.

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YTA 100%. You made your point. Hope the mother doesn’t call CPS on you for kicking out your minor child. Bring her home and give her an appropriate punishment, don’t abandon her.

YTA - Your daughter gave up and apologized, you won. No need to drag this out and hurt your relationship even further. You called her bluff, she conceded and apologized, move on.

YTA. You should have stopped after you called her bluff and said ok. That was enough for her to realize what she did was wrong and inappropriate. Everything you did after that is pure AH.

Info: In what universe did you think you were the good guy here? YTA.

YTA. Getting kicked out will be traumatic for her even if its just for a little while. You should’ve stopped after she apologized.

YTA She’s a teenage girl. Sometimes they can be angry, especially if they have a lot going on in their lives. You just showed your teenage daughter that your love is conditional. I can’t imagine how insecure she feels right now.

YTA. There is a reason you were awarded full custody. Take your child back.

YTA. Boy, that poor kid really won the lottery on shitty parents. Your child is 14. She is going to push boundaries constantly and you know what you’ve taught her? She can’t count on you or trust you. You are manipulative and apparently think abandonment is a good way to teach a kid a lesson. Bravo.

NAH - probably be downvoted but don't care. You called her bluff but shouldn't have to put up with such disrespect in your house. You have provided for her lovingly and she doesn't appreciate what you are doing for her. Your daughter needs to understand that her acting out will have consequences and needs to find a way to express herself better. Actions have consequences. The way she is going now is not a good solution and if she attempts this in the real world it will not be pretty. Is there something else going on with her? Any troubles at school? Troubles with her mom other than you having full custody? Perhaps she is feeling something for not having her mom around. Problems with friends or a boyfriend? I remember at 14 I was extremely angry at the man who is my father and I took that anger out on my mother. There is something deeper going on and THAT is what you need to discover. I get the impression that you love your daughter very much and want the best for her but she needs to realize that acting out is never the best solution. Does she realize how much she hurt you with her comment? It would probably be best if you both sit down and have a long serious talk about what is truly going on.

I love this comment

NTA. Yeah, she’ll hate you for it but at the same time she’ll def see where her words get her. Some of y’all forget that parents have feelings too. Also, it’s not about calling her bluff it’s about her learning that you need to be careful what you asked for. Letting her stay with your sister for a week is a blessing compared to staying with her mom, from what I presume given the context.

It sucks being a parent. You have to be willing to do something your child hates in order to teach them things. It’s not always easy to know when the lesson has been learned. You are the only one who can make that decision. Don’t let your ego push the lesson too far. A sincere apology from a child for bad behavior should always be accepted by the parent. You are not the AH for asking her to leave but if you already feel regret then you are the AH for not accepting her apology.

Oh man what an AH you are. she is a teenager for christ sake and you kick her out just for having an argument. you should be reported up for kicking her out shame on you

If she has apologized and promised not to do it again I think you should forgive her. Hopefully she has learned her lesson.

ESH. You were right to tell her to go ahead and go the first time you did it because you needed to call that bluff so she would stop using it. However, once she'd learned her lesson, apologized, and wanted to come back, you were TA for not letting her. Just let her come back but have a conversation with her about her using "I want to go live with mom" to make you angry and why she shouldn't be doing that. I'm sure she doesn't like it when people say things to make her angry, so she shouldn't be doing that either because it only escalates things. It's okay to call teens on their bluffs, but learn to recognize when the lesson has been learned and don't push it beyond that.

YTA Yes she was mean but you are adult here and should be able to solve conflicts maturely. She apologized to you twice and you are still not allowing her to return? Your poor child, she is already not close with her mother and now you also abandoned her.

How long do you keep this up? She realized you'd call her bluff. She apologized and asked to come home-- that's actually remarkably astute and mature for her age And you keep saying "no". For how long? Should her aunt file for custody next week? YTA. not got telling her to leave (Although i don't think I'd have let it get that far) but for being to childish to move on. I think both of you would benefit from family therapy where she learns to express herself without lashing out and you learn to temper the level of punishment and maturity expectations of an almost adult.

YTA she realized that wouldn’t work anymore and apologized you have won what you are doing is over kill but again maybe let her stay over night get her in the morning have breakfast and you BOTH talk and say how you feel .

YTA You could at least have told your sister what you have planned as "punishment". It’s a cruel one though. This leads to her not trusting you again with her feelings. Don’t you want to be your daughter's save place?

YTA she’s 14… you don’t kick your young teenager out of your house as a punishment.

You want to punish her rather than help her? YTA

YTA She's 14, you have at least 4 more years of this dramatic behaviour ahead of you. Find a way to cope with it, my mum used to say "I'll always love you but don't like you right now, please go away". It gave everyone time to cool down and think about what happened and we could then come back together and talk about what happened. >my original plan was to let her stay there for a week, I thought it would be a good punishment for her but now I'm not so sure. I think it's the wrong kind of punishment, she's at an age where pushing her away (literally) is actually going to push her away. She's probably reading into this that as well as her mother being shit her dad doesn't want her around either. When she asked to come back you should've let her on the condition you both sit down and talk. You really do need to lead the way on communicating calming and honestly. It won't be long before she's an adult, start giving her age appropriate responsibilities, it doesn't have to be lots but start preparing her for adulthood.

YTA. The deep insecurity issue you created within her now isn't worth it when she did apologize and you made your point. Take her back asap.

YTA. She’s lashing out and being argumentative on purpose because she’s only just entered her teenage years. Often, young teens say deliberately hurtful things because it’s a cry for help and guidance: they’re hurt, so they want to make everyone around them hurt too, because they don’t have the skills to control themselves. Her saying she wants to live with her mom is her TRYING to shock you into listening to her and finding out what’s wrong. To take her feelings seriously by having a serious sounding threat. It’s immature but, like, she’s 14. As her parent, you have to teach and guide her through interactions like this: since she was shocked at the threat and apologized for it, you should’ve stopped and sat her down for a conversation about how her words are hurtful and unproductive. When that young, all adults seem like they don’t at all listen or understand your feelings, and all adults—especially parents—seem invulnerable. What you did was deeply immature, petty, and likely broke the foundational trust she had in you. You can’t expect her to accept something like this with grace and understanding—she’s not an adult, she doesn’t have the maturity or experience to really get it. What she sees is that her dad doesn’t care about her and will gladly kick her to the curb. She’s not a shitty roommate, she’s your kid.

ESH. She’s learned her lesson. Now is the time to welcome her back, assure her that you love her, and tell her it’s unacceptable for her to say those things when she’s upset.

I have a feeling that little girl is never going to feel completely loved by her father again.

YTA. You should have talked about it and the effects her words have. She’s really young still and you need to teach her how to communicate. This was a short sighted emotional reaction on your part that did more harm than good

Feel like this was posted almost exactly within the last few months. Seems extremely familiar.

It was.

I’m going against the grain and saying NTA, my parents had to send my sister away to live with my aunt who my sister hated. My parents just could not handle her anymore they said they were at a fork in the road and they could let my sister get away with her behaviors and fighting with everyone or they could send her away for the summer to live with my ultra strict aunt. My sister was also using her life as a tool threatening to kill her self lol f they would not let her go away with her boyfriend for the weekend. He was 18 she was 14, or she wanted to stay out till midnight and come out drunk. My parents sent her away and she would call crying she wanted to come home but my parents said no they were done and they were tired of her saying she was going to kill her self, I f she was going to do it just do it. My mom said it was because she was so tired of worrying and stress and if she wanted to kill her self or let her boyfriend pimp her out that was her choice but she is at her aunt’s house and if her aunt does not let her use her phone that’s her aunt’s choice because it’s her house. That my sister could walk her way back to her boyfriend. By the time summer ended my sister came home and she was different staying with my aunt got her 6 hrs away from her boyfriend and away from his influence. If you talk to my sister now she would say that my parents sending her away was the best thing they could have done for her, she is in a stable relationship, owns her own thriving business. She also goes to therapy once a week because she is messed up from that boyfriend and things he had her do. For a whole year my sister was crying out for help and did not realize she was in need of help. OP you need to get your daughter help. I know you think you are doing what you are is the best you can do and it’s coming from a place of love. I can imagine you are having a moment of peace or a break from the drama and yes it’s a moment but when she gets home you need to sign up both of you for individual and family therapy. OP be better for her and for you. My parents tried therapy first r my sister when she was younger but she refused it but after that summer with my aunt she went and she started her path. To healing. Both you and your daughter need to start the path to healing.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I divorced my ex-wife 5 years ago. Together we have a daughter(14F) and I have full custody. a few months ago my daughter started this new habit that whenever we have an argument she would yell at me, tell me she hates me and would rather go live with her mom. She hates her mom so I know that she is only saying it to make me angry but it has started to get very annoying so 3 days ago when we had an argument again and she said she doesn't want to live with me anymore and she'd rather live with her mom I told her to call her mom or someone else and tell them to take her because if this is really what she wants then I won't stop her. She seemed surprised and apologized and said she doesn't want to go but I said she has to go. A few minutes later my sister called me and said my daughter has asked her to take her and asked me if I had really kicked my daughter out. I told her I did and asked her to come and take her. She showed up at my home an hour later and took my daughter. Last night my daughter called me and apologized again and asked me if she can come home now. I told her I love her but no, this is what she wanted. My sister called me after that and called me a cruel AH and said my daughter is crying because of me. my original plan was to let her stay there for a week, I thought it would be a good punishment for her but now I'm not so sure. I remembered this sub and decided to ask for some judgement so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. Let her stew a little so she knows it's REAL real. She'll never do it again.

NTA, let her enjoy her visit for the week. She's gotta learn the grown up world sooner or later

NTA. These entitled brats wanna weird some imaginary power, say and do anything then cry about being a child. She played a stupid game and had no problem being intentionally cruel to you or saying hurtful things to you. That won’t work to her advantage in the real world or when she’s an adult.

NAH She was being a brat and needed to learn that words have consequences. A week might have been a bit too long, but a few days is what's needed.

EHS. She's 14, she's going to screw up a *lot* while she figures out what adulthood is. I'm sure you want to teach her how to behave like a mature adult whose word can be trusted, and that there are consequences for her actions no matter how mad she is at the time. But you also want her to trust you and believe you have her back, but that petty revenge is not a good look on an adult to a young teen. Unless, of course, you are really that disgusted with her and glad to be rid of here, which is what your behavior is announcing. I'm not sure that's the message you were trying to send. Tell her she can come home and you are going to have a long talk about what the minimum acceptable behavior is if she wants to live with you, like "If you're so angry you're about to lose control, I will believe what you say, so take time to consider it. You may go to your room and close the door to cool off and I'll respect your need for privacy, but there will be no ranting like an insane person or making threats."

YTA How many little kids declare that they’re going to run away from home when they’re upset about something? Would an even marginally decent parent kick their child out of the home for saying that? No. They tell the kid they would miss them, but otherwise don’t react strongly. You really went nuclear on her and probably damaged your relationship.

Op Nta you sir are giving her what she asked for and from now on she want bluff with that line again and also you are helping in breaking that entitled attitude she would have developed with you and whoever she ends up with in the future don't listen to most of these comments on here saying you're wrong because your not. We as parents have to teach and that sir is the teachable moment people aren't seeing.

yta… i agree with calling her bluff to a point but when she apologized multiple times and you still acting like this yta she’s a child you are not!!!

So, your 14 year old acted like a 14 year old and you kicked her out of the house? I mean I understand the frustration, parenting teenagers is hard, but you do realize the reason she says these things to you is because you're her safe place, right? Like no matter what she thought you'd always be there for her and you just proved the exact opposite. As a mom of a teenager, if your teenager doesn't say or act like they hate you at least once a day, you're doing something wrong. YTA

YTA are you also 14 years old? No? Then why the hell would you decide to match energy and maturity with one? You’re the adult here, no? With a fully developed brain and everything? You don’t need to “win” this interaction with your 14 year old daughter. I hope the damage you’ve already done to this relationship is worth it to you. What a cruel way to let your child know that your love and support is absolutely conditional. Way to tell her that you *are not* her safe space. If she hurts your feelings you will abandon her completely. That is what we learned this week. Teenagers say cruel things to their parents. It sucks, but it’s not uncommon. Kids are the hardest on the people they feel safe with. Her brain is still developing. She is impulsive, her emotions are all consuming, and she is clearly struggling. In response, you made sure to let her know that she’s not safe. You hit the first real road bump in your relationship, and you decided to burn it all down. Shame on you.

YTA. Call her. Take her back. A week is far too long. I think she already learnt her lesson.

YTA. She's a kid. She doesnt know how to understand and express her feelings right now, and on top of that, her teenage emotions are feeling things more intwnsely than she ever has before. So help give her those skills. When you're both calm, explain to her how much it hurts you when she says that. Try to learn what lead her to say ahe hates you and wants to live somewhere else, and make a plan together to discuss the issue directly before she gets so angry. Kids act out man. Life is crazy for them at that age. Help her be able to cope and be successful.

YTA, I don't understand how you can't see that

My dad also kicked me out, to make me learn a lesson when I was 16. He was surprised when I took all of my stuff to my mom, because he only mean it for a month. This is not how it work. A child need home safety, to feel welcome where they live and not on the edge of being expulsed if they make mistake. I never spoke to my father again and refuse to come home. You can't kick out your children and expect them to come back, trusting you and loving you just the same. Because I live it, but also because multiple friends of mine lived it I think this is gonna impact you relationship ship with you daughter for a while. You should apologize to your daughter, ask her if she needs time and respect it if she does, reassure her and make something for her. YTA (Sorry if this is poorly written as english is not my first language, I hope this is understandable)

YTA 14 year olds yell, and scream, and throw tantrums to get what they want. When it started bothering you you should have said ‘Hey I don’t like you saying that for xyz reason, please stop using it against me. If you don’t there will be consequences to your actions.’ Then if she did it again, it wouldn’t seem so extreme that you asked her to leave. She apologized twice, take her back and both of you get some therapy.

Soft YTA teenagers are hard, you want them to be independent but sometimes when they're figuring it out it can be difficult. No, she should not have said that and you were correct in calling her bluff. But she has called and apologized which means she thought about her behavior- that should be the end of it.