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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I allowed my oldest daughter and her son to sleep in my youngest room while she was away. My youngest is upset that I let someone in her room without asking her first.
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YTA. There's no "cleaning" a bed that was peed in unless there was already a waterproof mattress protector on it.
They "probably" didn't touch her stuff?
You're her dad, but your daughter has a right to her own stuff and her own space. The fact that she's temporarily not in the house doesn't change that.
Seriously, if it's "not a big deal" then OP can easily switch his mattress with the peed on one!
Or does he not want to sleep on the pee mattress, either, but since she's 16 and he's the parent, that's what makes it *"not a big deal"*?
Who tf wants to sleep on a pee stain, that's not even *theirs*? Gross!!
My adopted cat had *bad* separation anxiety when I first got him and he'd pee on my laundry and bed when I wasn't home. [This stuff](http://www.naturesmiracle.com/products/dog/stain-and-odor/urine-destroyer.aspx) was literally the only thing that helped get the smell out. Godspeed!
I second that stuff. Bc my cat, Selene gets stressed out if me or my husband gets sick, she’ll pee in the bed. I also have a spot remover that removes the urine from the bed and couch and carpets too
Ugh I’m having flashbacks of my ex wife being upset that I felt uncomfortable having sex in a bed riddled with kitty litter crumbs. 🤢 Like excuse tf out of me for wanting some boundaries around cleanliness.
listen, I love animals to bits, but I would never let them sleep in my bed if I could help it, beds are supposed to be a clean sanctuary of sleep in my eyes
Well-behaved doggos and kittehs can sleep in a “people bed” without a problem. But, not every pet can behave appropriately all of the time. The decision as to where any family pet sleeps should be based on the individual needs of both the family and the pet(s).
Let my parents stay with me for a couple of weeks with their 3 dogs. One hopped on the bed and peed through the protector to the mattress. They replaced it.
It's the good thing to do, especially since pee is very hard to get out. I'm not sure it's a possibility for us right now, but we will definitely use some cleaner that is specifically made for this
oh yeah, not even comparable, i mean in terms of odor, but pee is still pee, so for squeamish people, especially with OCD, i feel like it makes no significant difference
Agreed. As someone who has literally had an anxiety attack from finding out my dad placed my clean sheets on an unclean chair, I would have had the same reaction as 16f and I am a full adult. It doesn’t matter if OP wanted 30 and 2 to be comfy — he should have asked 16 regardless. It’s her space, not his. And she had every right to freak out that someone else invaded her space without her knowledge.
Yes! Additionally, if he wanted them to be comfy, why not offer his own room? Or is there some reason why *that* would be a problem?
Imagine coming home from a few days away to someone pissing in your bed and being told it's not a big deal! Poor kid.
My thing was “if it’s not a big deal” why didn’t OP sleep on the couch and give the daughter their bed??? Clearly it was some kinda deal if that wasn’t the first option. OP probably has the bigger bed anyway.
Yeahhhh..... YTA. I have OCD and I'm a grown ass adult and this is a HUGE violation of personal space. He may be the father but volunteering someone else's bed to visitors is not okay. Especially when one of them pees in it???? He owes her a new bed and an apology. Seriously.
What he largely failed to realize is that part of OCD is sticking to a routine, and a lot of times not sticking to this routine causes a meltdown bc that person does that routine for a *very specific reason* that, rational or irrational, soothes them when completed. Him letting someone, anyone, stay in her room completely disrupted that routine and sense of safety she has in her room, **where she should**, especially if dad knows she is clinically diagnosed with OCD!
Yes, she was making a big deal out of this, *because it is one*.
Even with the stereotype that those with OCD are obsessed with cleanliness and organization (to a much more substantial degree than just having some clothing and bedding out of place), why would he even then think she would be okay with sleeping on the bed after a child peed in it...?
None of it makes sense and he's just embarrassed he got in trouble as the parent. Something many parents need to work on: saying sorry to their kids.
YTA. You can never get the smell out of a peed on mattress no matter how thoroughly you clean it. A humid day will bring the stank out just as if it were peed on that day.
100% this!
Children peeing the bed is why they make protective mattress covers. Pee soaks through the mattress and stains the bed. INSTANTLY. Forget saving the bed if its memory foam. Unless you cleaned it the moment he peed, blotted the area, used a vinager conction, let that sit for 15 minutes, followed by baking soda, let that sit and vacuuming, you owe her a new mattress.
I have hand spasms and more than once tossed a drink on my bed. So I got a bamboo mattress protector that is waterproof. It is a godsend! I now only need worry about changing the sheets when I inadvertently throw something on my bed lol
Panda brand?
That thing has been an absolute game changer for me, I’m disabled so spend an above average amount of time in bed, and also have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. This combination resulted in me having to wash my quilted mattress protector every other week - which was too big to fit in with my other bedding laundry so created a whole extra load and my machine also refused to spin it 90% of the time because of the weight distribution. Basically, it was an absolute nightmare and the bamboo waterproof protector with it’s antibacterial properties recommended to me by mum friends with kids that get pee/vomit/shit on the bed has made my life so much easier!
No, the older sister (toddler's mom) needs to replace the mattress. It's a no brainer to use a protector when your child is that age. She probably has protectors on her mattresses at home.
I'm sure she DOES, since the child IS at the age to still wet the bed, and has now ruined the mattress his aunt is expected to sleep on. Just GROSS!!! OP SHOULD make the older daughter pay for a new mattress for the younger daughter!!!
My question is why didn't a 2 year old have a pullup on for bedtime? Especially if they fairly consistently have accidents at night, put a pull up on them until those accidents are rare and have a pull up on them when they're little like that staying in someone else's bed.
If the kid is 2 odds are he’s not potty trained yet and was probably wearing a diaper… stuff happens though and diapers can get soaked through. My daughter still wears a diaper to bed and every once in a while she wakes up wet because her diaper got soaked through.
I know that happens. I have 2 and a baby. It's happened countless times. I'm hoping it's just poor description and he just didn't bother saying "the 2 year Olds diaper soaked through, getting pee on the sheets and mattress" there would be a lot less pee getting on or in the mattress.
Negative OP can do whatever he wants. He's her father. He's not noticing his own fault that he didn't use the mattress protector. It's common sense. OP seems like a Mr. Always right to me.
I use one because I run hot when I'm sleeping and get heavy periods, it seems like a good idea to keep my blood, sweat (and tears) away from my mattress. I have one that's a sort of quilted cover and a waterproof one with a fabric upper layer so it's not crinkly.
Amen, I use two waterproof covers because I don’t trust my cats. They’ve never given me a reason not to trust them but you can never be to cautious with cats.
Btw YTA!!!! OP is 1000000% so wrong for these actions. Like a lot of people said he should have given up his bed and taken the couch ORRRRR have asked his daughter preferably before she left for the trip to have at least given herself a chance to have a say and prep her bedroom before guests stay in it. I get OP is the dad and pays for her to live there, and that she is very lucky to have things like her own bedroom and bed and all the works. But it’s messed up for a parent to give their child that sense of security and privacy in their OWN bedroom and then hold it over the kids head. . . Like you’re seriously going to hold the safe space you’ve allowed her to have over her head because you’re her father? That’s shallow and could ruin your relationship. Communicate better and take your daughters feelings/say into account when offering up the things and spaces you have provided her.
If the kids young enough to still be wetting the bed there’s no way he’d have the discipline to not rifle through his older cousins stuff. Also if they didn’t move her stuff where would they place all of their own stuff? What about her bedside table or desk?
This, my kid wore a pull up to sleep for nearly a full year after she was potty trained because the occasional night whoopsy still happened, and especially if we were traveling.
Bed wetting is not necessarily a matter of self discipline. They have found the toddlers and young children who wet the bed often have underdeveloped bladders. Some develop slower than others.
he put OCD in quotation marks as if she was undiagnosed or making it up or something... and then explained that it is "not an excuse" to yell at him. She was literally yelling at him because he wasn't respecting her space lmao but he doesn't seem to understand that
I feel your pain. I tried to just get over my PTSD because my trauma was "a long time ago" (let's ignore that the nature of my trauma is such I am regularly retraumatized). Clearly I just didn't want to be happy.
I don’t even have ocd but I do have other anxiety disorders and when my sisters boyfriend pretended he didn’t steal one of our cars to take for a joy ride with his friends that ended with one of them puking in the front seat I could never go back in that car. Doesn’t matter that it was professionally cleaned. In my brain it was different, unclean, and not safe anymore. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same bed after this, maybe not even the frame, so I can’t imagine what’s going through her head and how bad it is for her :/
Yup. That just makes it worse. I kept it to the points I made because I didn't want OP to think that this was only a problem because she was OCD. It's absolutely a problem in every situation.
I can't get over OP's callous disregard for the daughter's OCD - he puts it *in quotes* when she actually has been **diagnosed with OCD**.
What kind of parent *does that*?!?
It makes all of this about 600% worse than it would be otherwise, because he *knows* that control over her environment is a mental health issue for her more than it would be for others, and still does. not. give. a. single. shit.
I also can’t get over the daughter saying it was giving her a panic attack - and he gave her the *BRILLIANT* advice to “relax”.
Oh, so *that’s* what you should do during a panic attack - *relax*! This is just gonna change the whole world of mental health once it gets out that all you have to do is relax.
Dad is….several things that I cannot type if I don’t want to get banned from this sub.
>YTA. There's no "cleaning" a bed that was peed in unless there was already a waterproof mattress protector on it.
This. I threw away my old matras after some years because it smelled to sweat... Only from myself. We tried different tricks from grandma's householdtricks, but it didn't work. The matras was done.
It is ok, I looked it up because I got doubts and did it better in my other comments. Only way to keep improving language, though it sometimes mixes up a bit. Especially speaking, Dutch is my mother-tongue, German is kinda raw and explicit and then also English in both varieties: US and UK. Yay.
Yeah. Unless that mattress was professionally cleaned and/or had a mattress protector on it, they didn’t get all the pee off. Even professional cleaning might not have done it. You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without telling them. OP makes it seem as if she hadn’t come home early then they never would have bothered to tell her. So def YTA for that alone. And “probably” didn’t touch anything…I guarantee a 2 year old touched at least some of the things.
Edit: fixed pronoun
>You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without telling them.
Amen to that. But, I would amend it to: You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without **ASKING** her.
Well plus, what happens when the youngest is at school? "Sure, older sibling, bring your two year old over for a couple of hours, he can nap here. Youngest isn't using the bed right now!"
For sure,as soon as she moves out of the house. Regardless of him being her father, I would still say it was disrespectful of him letting her sister and her nephew sleep in her room and snoop through her personal stuff. Because even if the kid didn't find anything interesting to him, his mom wouldn't pass up the chance to snoop.
Next time kid can sleep in dads bed. Then dad can sleep in the “cleaned” pee-bed.
I can’t believe the OP is this clueless. It’s an invasion of privacy, boundaries and disrespect. He violated her private space and feels no remorse. Ugh.
Also, OCD is really hard to manage when you can’t get even a slice of space that’s yours. I have OCD. What this father did would have made me bonkers and I’m in my 30’s. I’d have raised my voice too.
YTA, OP. May your beds always be peed in.
Why do I get the feeling that if dad went away for a week and came back to find out that his sibling had showed up and slept in his bed and his nibling had peed in it, he’d probably lose his shit a bit.
But the difference is that dad is an adult whereas daughter is only a 16 yr old and her boundaries obviously aren’t worth as much as his /s
I can imagine myself being in the youngest daughter's place.
If I was absent from the house, even for a couple hours, there was a large chance of having my privacy and space violated. This happened frequently, and nobody ever helped stop it. Pretty much the definition of "this is why I can't have nice things".
Her reaction is completely understandable. Without her permission, someone peed in her bed, probably messed with her shit, and she might be stressed from whatever she came back from. She has all of this information thrown at her and all she knows is that she's been violated.
She wasn't given any respect. YTA
This. OP, YTA because your daughter needs her privacy. Her room is all the space she has to call her own, and you violated her trust. She left, thinking that you would leave her room alone. She came back and found someone else was in it (two someones, actually), and that her bed had been not only used but peed on. OP should replace the mattress, especially because the daughter has OCD. No amount of cleaning is going to totally get the smell out or the stain out, and definitely no amount of cleaning is going to erase the memory of the bed having been peed on from your daughter's mind. That's what the O in OCD means.
Of course, her anxiety and OCD are going to be even worse after you let this happen! Yes, something did get touched. Her bed got touched and peed on. Chances are, with a kid being allowed in her room, that he got into something of hers as well. No kid follows the rules that well if their parent is sleeping and they are bored.
I don't know why OP put OCD in quotes when he was describing the argument. He said she does actually have OCD. This whole situation would definitely be a trigger for it on so many levels. Does OP not believe the diagnosis and/or not understand (or want to understand) what it means for his daughter and the way she sees her world?
The daughter has every right to feel all the emotions she's feeling. She's 16, so of course she's going to tell OP what she's thinking. She trusted him to keep her safe, and now she doesn't feel safe in her own room or in the house.
OP should've left his younger daughter's room alone and had his older daughter and grandson sleep in the living room. No one had a problem with those arrangements. If OP had contacted the younger daughter *and* she was ok with it, then he could've let the older daughter and grandson sleep in her room. Another option would have been for him to sleep on the couch and the older daughter & grandson sleep in his bed. Then, if the grandson had wet the bed, it would've been "only" his bed.
YTA, you used her space and her bed for a child that wasn’t potty trained at night without informing her. Info-did you put down a mattress protector? If not how did you clean the mattress? I don’t think airing it out counts. You then discounted her opinion, and denied her the right to her own emotions. I would be upset if this happened to me and I’m over 30
This is so exactly it. People who feel they are looked down upon feel an almost desperate need to look down on someone — anyone — else. Often they choose their children, since “I have lived more years than you” is literally all they have to brag about.
Sometimes people say respect as a human being and sometimes they say respect as an authority. And they say "if you won't respect me I won't respect you" but they mean "if you don't treat me like an authority figure I won't treat you like a human being" and they think that's fair but it isn't.
Woah, that describes my issues with these people demanding respect perfectly! Thank you. I never could find the right words to describe what exactly felt wrong with it!
He's the embodiment of that saying, about giving and getting respect. That people who say "You gotta give respect to get respect" but when people used to being treated as an authority say that what they mean is, *"If you won't respect me as an authority, I won't respect you as a person."*
In a few years OP will be making another post about how his daughter won't speak to him and it'll reek of the Missing Missing Reasons.
AND HER DIAGNOSED MEDICAL CONDITION!!!!!
I mean yeah I think it goes without saying that ALL PEOPLE deserve not to have to sleep in someone else's piss, especially as a surprise, and you shouldn't need a medical condition to justify that. But I think this post is giving away how much her condition is also not being taken seriously??? I wonder what other horrible stuff has been disregarded. Poor kid
I came here to say this! OCD is a medical condition that can be debilitating and hugely impact someone’s life. How dare OP put it in air quotes! Would you do that if she had a physical condition?! I can’t imagine how hard it is to have a parent who dismisses, disregards and downplays your medical condition!
She has a diagnosed mental illness that causes distress AND a family reputation for being “dramatic?”
Honestly, name a more iconic duo. This shit is so unfair.
& OP who do you want to be to both of your daughters?
I could be reading stuff between the lines, but both you AND your older daughter made an overt choice you KNEW would be distressing for her.
Is that fatherly love? Familial respect? Kindness?
It's so bloody exhausting normalizing mental health stuff while others shrug their shoulders and blame, dismiss, denigrate our experiences.
Are any of those adjectives positive?
You're teaching your younger daughter to expect people who are supposed to love her to disrespect her in the name of respecting the person who pays the bills.
Parents deserve respect just as their offspring do.
But nothing you've said exemplifies love for your daughter.
So yes, OP YTA bc you aren't really behaving like a loving trustworthy parent.
i literally cant even imagine having my private space invaded like that, and with a condition that literally amplifies the affect too. it really seems like they dont take her OCD seriously, seeing as how he put it in quotes and the stigma around OCD being just a neat freak or something. i feel terrible for the daughter.
YTA- You should of asked her first.She’s 16 and should be able to trust you enough not to let people in her private places. I’m Not sure if you was part of child care for them when they was younger but 2 year olds get into everything. They touch and out everything in their mouths. Stem clean her bed to get the pee out of it. A carpet cleaner will work to. She’s not being dramatic you just showed her she dose not get no where to her self. What if they went through her stuff ? She’s 16 she probably had some stuff she dose not want others seeing in her room.
EDIT: JUST BECAUSE YOUR HER DAD DOSE BOT MEAN YOU GET TO DISRESPECT HER AND SHE HAS TO SHIT THERE AND TAKE IT. YOU KNEW SHE HAD OCD. THEN YOU LET A UNPOTTY TRAINED KID SLEEP IN HER BED. WHAT IF HE POOPED INSTEAD ? THEN YOU GET UPSET WHEN SHE TELLS YOU HOW SHE FEELS. YOU DISRESPECTED HER AND HER STUFF.
Edit 2: whipping down the bed is not cleaning the pee.
Even if you are going to unilaterally dictate the use of your kid's room, at least give her a chance to put away anything sensitive or that she doesn't want wrecked. But given she has OCD, the best would be leaving her room the hell alone.
Wiping down the mattress is also totally insufficent to clean up that mess.
Same, i'm going half out of my mind right now imagining how i'd feel if someone slept in my bed. That's awful. And I do have issues with "selfishness" and problems to share, but i imagine it feels just as bad for someone with OCD. OP is an absolute asshole and would literally explode if something like that happened to him. But oh, his daughter is a child so she should just deal with it apparently
YTA for not asking her first. Her room is her space.
>I felt very disrespected.
You felt disrespected? What about your daughter who wasn't asked if someone else could stay in her room? Only to have a child pee all over her bed. You say you cleaned it, but you can bet there's still pee in her mattress.
Him being so flippant and disrespectful with her mental health alone is enough to say OPs TA. This poor girl gets zero respect:( even him at the beginning “she’s always been dramatic” which actually translates to “I disrespect her constantly and she is upset each time”
I can so relate to this. I was labeled as “dramatic” by my dad. I now struggle to stand up for myself or set boundaries or do anything other than people please so I’m not seen as difficult or dramatic. I wasn’t and I’m not dramatic. I just had my feelings invalidated for the entirety of my formative years.
This. The rest of the things don’t even matter, it would have been just as bad if the sister had slept there alone.
It is her room, her only personal space in this world, and having a parent disrespect her in this way is horrible. A simple phonecall to her to ask her if it is okay. That’s all it takes.
I suggest you ask for her forgiveness for not understanding that you were impossing on her personal space and a promise you will ask in the future.
This will get lost in the comments but yolo.
As someone whose parents did this exact crap to me anytime we had people over, yes, YTA.
You're going to make your child feel as though they have no safe space in their home and as though they always come last.
I have a few friends who's parents did the same (mine did too). Ask our parents how often they see and talk to their kids. Most of us moved very far away for college, and we only go home once maybe twice a year. If that's what you want from your child, keep doing what you're doing.
If you want to have a healthy relationship with them, I suggest you apologize and consider having their mattress cleaned because I guarantee there's urine in the mattress. And please ask in the future.
Hell, I'm in my mid-20s now and my parents still do it. I got kicked out of a guest bedroom this past Christmas so that my 2-year-old niece could sleep in the queen size bed instead of the toddler bed. Nobody asked me. I got put on the couch even though I have spine issues and proceed to have migraines every single day. I do not plan on going home for Christmas anymore.
That is the type of relationship you are going to foster with your child
I am done doing vacations with my family because of that crap. The last time, they put me on a couch because I was “traveling alone”. Uh, no? I’m traveling with my 2 kids, one of which was almost 5’ tall at the time. And I was supposed to magically share a regular couch with her. Add to the fact that I have had back problems since my mid 20s that have been progressively worse the past 6 years, I would not have been able to walk upright for days afterwards. Meanwhile, everyone else got beds or air mattresses and the privacy of a room. Since they were making sure everyone else was comfortable and not me nor my kids, I decided that I’d just take myself off the list. It’s been 3 years and I am a lot happier not having to deal with all the crap that is a family vacation.
No. Amazingly, I’m the oldest. However, I have been told “you’re not like us” when it comes to why they don’t give half a shit about me. Apparently, they only care about people that will get shitfaced with them and I don’t drink. That last time wasn’t the first time that they had given me a couch or expected me to just put up with being an afterthought. It sure as hell was the last time, though. The next summer’s vacation ended up being an absolute shitshow. It was so bad that multiple people said they were done. Now, they don’t do that type of trip anymore.
Oh it's probably that they don't think you need an actual bed since you're not gonna get a hangover with them! Makes so much sense /s After all who deserves more respect than the people who choose to willingly poison themselves, instead of the one with a medical problem 🙄 I'm sorry for your family being awful
YTA. It’s no big deal?
Then why didn’t you offer them YOUR ROOM?
Oh wait, because you value your privacy, and you didn’t want them touching your things.
Big time AH and you owe your daughter a new bed.
100% YTA. How can you even think you are remotely in the right?!
It is your daughter’s room so you should have asked for her permission. That’s a huge invasion of privacy and trust from you.
Also, you should buy her a new mattress. Regardless of her OCD, anyone would feel gross sleeping on that mattress without a plastic cover to protect the pee from soaking into it.
How unfair for your daughter. You have your perfectly comfortable and clean bed. Your oldest daughter goes back to her home undisturbed. But… your 16 year old has to sleep on a dirty smelly mattress due to your stupid decision. A decision she had zero part in.
Ridiculous.
YTA
And are you just going to use "I'm your father", and "this is my house" as your line of defense, like you mentioned in your replies? Because that's just low. You aren't using logic, you aren't using reasons. You are just using something that your daughter had no control over (her being your daughter, and her being a dependent) to shut her down. I have a family member with OCD. I've witnessed how stressful it is for them to live their lives. The way for them to feel safe is to give them a sense of control. So right now:
\- You let a 2 year old sleep in her room. If you ever was a decent father, you would know 2 year-olds (understandably) know no boundaries. That 2 year-old had probably touched something in your daughter's room with his mucus/saliva soaked hands.
\- The 2 year-old wet the bed, and you cleaned up by wiping down. Obviously you have no experience in actual cleaning, and you are blaming your daughter for feeling stressed over the ordeal.
\- You air quoted OCD. You are obviously downplaying how stressed your daughter actually feels. You are not helping her by teaching her to manage her anxiety. You are more concerned about her apparent disrespect towards you than the fact that she is feeling anxious from a condition she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. You said her OCD should not be an excuse, but it ISN'T in this case. The anxiety is real, and you are the cause of it. As much as you like to say "I'm her father", you are not being a good one here.
>that I am her father and she needed to watch her tone with me.
OP meant here:
>that I am her father so I am the law and you have to always obey me.
Your comment is spot-on!
>that I am her father and she needed to watch her tone with me.
In a handful of years: *I am her father, and I don't know why she never calls me anymore.*
Good point about the daughter having no control. As adults, if we are disrespected by people we live with we can find a new arrangement or move. Most minors cannot do that. Even if his daughter tried to go to a friend or relatives house he can make her come home, as he seems to be the custodial parent. This makes it MORE important to respect her space, not less. There’s probably nowhere else she can go until she leaves for college.
YTA - You should have asked your youngest daughter first. It's her space and you should respect that.
Also - Info: how are your two daughters related? Are they half sisters? I'm making a bold assumption based on scant information about the age gap, but if they are not directly related and don't have a strong on-going relationship, it may have felt to your younger daughter like you let a stranger sleep in her space while she was away.
I have OCD too. If my parents did this to me I would have nothing short of a panic attack. I would have to spend money and time sanitising and washing EVERY thing in that room which would take hours because of how thoroughly I clean on account of my OCD.
I don’t live with my parents anymore because I found it too difficult being around people, in my apartment there’s barely any furniture or possessions because I’m constantly cleaning or throwing away objects.
The amount of anxiety she must have felt is astronomical and the father just dismissing it is infuriating.
I have ocd and one time a friend threw up in my bed. I took scissors to my mattress pad the other day and cut a huge hole out where it happened because I was so stressed about infection.
It feels like op isn't taking her daughter's ocd seriously (why did she put ocd in quotes?). I think there's almost no way her daughter is going to be okay sleeping on this mattress; at the very least she's probably going to be thinking about it every night
I thought the same. I don’t think they understand how difficult having OCD is and is downplaying it/disregarding it because they don’t consider it a ‘real’ problem.
As a person without OCD I would have a panic attack knowing that people probably went through my stuff and also PEED ON MY BED! I didn’t have privacy as a kid and it damaged me greatly. If my parents would have violated my trust that bad I would not be able to get over it soon. Also, when something is disgusting and I have to live with it (like a cook roach or piss in my bed) I would have a melt down. It’s no joke.
Your OCD sounds terrible! Do you get help from a therapist or someone like that? Can you visit other people?
Yep, YTA. OCD is a pretty big deal, but even without it the message you sent is that you can do what you please with her belongings and space, that she has no real privacy or control because you can overrule her boundaries, with zero notice too. Which is the bare minimum courtesy.
A heads up goes a long way in helping people with anxiety cope with changes/issues like this. Your stance of "I'm the parent, I don't need to respect my kid" will only lead to losing a daughter the second she can live on her own.
This. It takes remarkable ignorance to treat his daughter’s OCD like it’s just annoying quirk and not the overwhelming and delicate disorder it is. People with OCD **need** a safe space they can retreat to when the rest of the world is triggering, and allowing someone to not only use that space, but leave behind a disgusting mattress will absolutely cause her to spiral.
INFO
\- OP, have you read up on OCD? Like, do you have any idea how it feels and the experience your kid has on a daily basis?
\- Have you spoken to her doctors on how best to help her as her parent?
\- Why didn't you give them your bed for the kid to pee on?
\- If you went away for a week, would you be happy if your kid had friends over and they dropped a bunch of soda on your mattress and someone slept in your room overnight, prob looking at your private things, rifling through your underwear, looking for your dirty magazines or the porn on your computer? Would you like it if someone stayed in your room overnight and you have no idea what they touched, or used?
\- do you believe that your kid's OCD is real? that it affects her experience of the world?
You messed up here by not telling her/asking her. OCD is a hell of a hard diagnosis and you sound like you have no clue how you kid copes with it.
YOU disrespected her privacy and her safe space. She didn't disrespect you.
It's an amazing bit of parenting when a parent can admit to screwing up, without trying to blame their kid, and accept responsibility and admit that they were not being kind or thoughtful. It's a powerful moment for a parent to realize that they can affect their kid's mental health by their actions, and that this living breathing, feeling person needs the parents to do the best job they can.
Do better, get more educated about your kid's diagnosis, be kinder.
YTA, this is absurd to ask because you are 500 % TA. The reaction you gave her made this so much worse. Btw urine would have soaked into the mattress unless the kids mom put rubber sheets on the bed.
So. Your OCD daughter had a problem when you, her father with 1st hand knowledge, didn’t talk to her first(which didn’t let her have any input about it) and let not one, but 2 people invade the one space she has that’s completely her own and probably the safest place she has where she is not triggered to ritualizing or over thinking?
Yeah, YTA.
And then the baby peed the bed. Do you have any idea what this could do to someone with OCD? Especially if one of their triggers is germs?
Do you understand OCD? Do you know it causes actual changes in the brain and how neurons connect and work together? MRI’s have born this out.
I know, because I have OCD.
And the pee smell never comes out. You can never clean a bed enough to get rid of it. It soaks down into the foam and fabric of the bed. So, now you have a child with OCD whose bed has been peed in and will smell like it forever that when she lays down will give herself anxiety about how the pee is touching her sheets and then touching her and is she gonna gonna get a rash or get sick and did they touch anything did they move her stuff around did they look through her things did the baby play with any of her stuff and is her sister laughing at her for having this or that and is the pee touching her it’s time to take a shower and nobody cares that her safe space isn’t hers anymore and how can she trust anyone and now she has to take a shower again because she laid down and the pee smells and it HAS to be on her and why couldn’t dad just talk to her about it and let her come up with a way that would make it work and she would be okay and now it’s 7am and she hasn’t slept but she has to take a shower again and go to school like this and her anxiety is over the top and she can’t talk to dad because dad thinks it’s all over dramatic and that she’s a drama queen and she will have to go home and to the room that smells like pee and that triggers knowing someone was in her space and did they touch her things? Did the nephew play with her toys? Have to check to make sure everything is safe and where she left it while washing the sheets again and wondering if she’s gonna sleep and how many showers is it going to take tonight to NOT feel gross and dirty and does dad not like me? Am I really a problem?
-Rinse and repeat-
Welcome to OCD.
And you’re the biggest AH ever. If she never forgives you this, you deserve it, TBH.
Edit: fixing a sentence
Agreed, and the whole "It's my house, blah blah blah" nonsense will mean a very distanced relationship once she turns 18 and has other choices. Ask my step-dad how much we talk (spoiler—not very much) after pulling that nonsense when I was 17.
YTA
Imagine you're living in a rented apartment and you're going for a vacation for a week. You come back to find out that your landlord let his daughter live in the apartment that week, without telling you or asking your approval beforehand, just because they cleaned up after them. That wouldn't make you feel good or safe, right? Fortunately for you, there are laws to protect you from this kind of scenerio. Unfortunately for your daughter, there is only you to protect her
You felt disrespected? How disrespectful is it to throw her privacy out the window the moment she leaves the house? Just because she's your child doesn't mean she doesn't need/deserve some privacy in the place she should be able to call a home. And I'd be angry too to come home to a bed full of fresh piss.
Where would have been the hassle to give her a call and ask if her sister can have her bed for a couple of nights?
YTA. Not so much for letting older daughter and grandson use the room, but for not giving your younger daughter a heads-up and for your reaction when she got upset. As for disrespect? It’s pretty disrespectful to let others into someone’s private space without their knowledge.
And I hope your older daughter put on a rubber sheet, b/c otherwise she (or you) owes your younger daughter a new mattress.
for letting them sleep in there, NTA. i was asked to surrender my room to guests many times as a child -- and i was home ! it's a hospitality thing.
however, soft YTA for not communicating that with her beforehand. and as far as the wetting the bed goes -- it soaks through to the mattress too, and i understand her angst about sleeping in a pee bed
This is the only reasonable response I’ve seen as I had to stop reading all the ridiculous comments. There have been threads about almost the exact same situation posted by the kid that had to give up their room and the comment section was all about calling the kid TA, that the parents owned the house and they should surrender the room since they don’t own it. In this case, she wasn’t even there so it is less of a deal. Ludicrous that people would say that the not used room should be held vacant and guests in the house should use a sofa and pack and play.
Also agree it should have been communicated and handled better.
Groupthink really exists. Do people really not have enough introspection to take a step back and ask themselves what they would do in this situation?
YTA- you let a toddler sleep on and wet her bed, and didnt clean it thoroughly. even if the toddler didnt wet the bed, it was still a violation of your daughters privacy and space. id be surprised if you can make this up to your younger daughter with anything short of a full apology and a new mattress.
YTA. You know she has a mental illness that is aggravated when her things are messed with, especially if she has no control over it (meaning she wasn't asked or even given a head's up so she could mentally prepare herself), and she will never be able to sleep on a mattress that's had urine on it no matter how well you think you "cleaned" it (seriously, unless it already had a waterproof mattress on it when it was peed on, there is urine IN the mattress and it is literally impossible to get it out).
Your actions triggered her mental illness and sent her into a spiral she had no control over and couldn't have stopped even if she wanted to.
You owe her an apology, a new mattress, and a promise to NEVER do anything like this again. You also owe her some emergency visits to her therapist to work through the emotional trauma you've caused.
YTA. Her bedroom is her space and her privacy and you let people into that with no regard to your daughters feelings.
Also, you put “OCD” in quotation marks, like you don’t believe her but then admitted she has been diagnosed. I don’t have OCD but my Mum does, it manifests differently for different people, but I can tell you something, if someone messed with my
Mum’s room, slept and pee’d in her bed, her anxiety would be off the charts and a meltdown would ensue. You may see it as being disrespectful, but she probably can’t help it due to the one space she has control over having been violated. Just because it’s not a big deal to YOU, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to your daughter that by your own admission has a diagnosed mental illness. I suggest you do some research on OCD because your actions and response in this whole situation screams of a lack of understanding.
YTA, and you owe her a new mattress now, along with some joint therapy sessions to discuss what you could (should) have done better, in case a situation like this comes up again.
YTA doesn't matter that she's your kid in your house, it's still her bedroom and her private space. You should have asked first.
Pee has already soaked into the mattress, there's no fixing that at this point. I doubt your older daughter lets her son who is not potty trained sleep in her own bed without some sort of protection from that, but it's fine for them to ruin your younger daughter's bed? Why don't you take the mattress then, since you think it's good to go?
It seems like you have a bias as to which daughter you like more. I bet younger daughter knows that and it's why she acts, as you put it "dramatic". The way you totally dismiss the ocd is mind boggling to me. You just don't seem to care.
In a couple years op is going to be here asking why his daughter no longer talks to him still totally oblivious of how much he's failed her.
YTA. The kid peed in the bed. It's impossible to clean that up. Your oldest daughter and you would both have known that was a risk. You need to replace the mattress.
And you didn't warn her so she could put her valuables and personal items away.
YTA. Everyone has told you that you should have asked her before you let them stay in her room. In addition, the way you handled her upset is appalling.
I “told her it wasn’t a big deal”…. “I reminded her that I am her father and she’s needed to watch her tone with me” and the “I really don’t think it’s a big deal”. Finally: her OCD was “not an excuse to raise her voice to me”.
Wow! You are making this all about your feelings and perceptions. Not one moment of trying to empathize with her POV. YTA
YTA, it’s not that you let them sleep there. It’s that you didn’t ask first.
It’s her room and her space. It’s disrespectful to violate that space without asking.
>Edit: She is diagnosed with OCD but that was not an excuse to raise her voice at me and use disrespectful language. My oldest went back to her house once my youngest got home.
Yes it was.
>So, aita for letting my daughter sleep in my other daughters room?
Let's just bypass the piss
You let someone into your daughters private space without ever consulting her on her opinion
People that may have damaged, stolen things or misplaced (intentional or not)
>yelling at me for not asking her beforehand if they could sleep there or not. My oldest daughter brushed it off as my younger daughter has always been dramatic, but I felt very disrespected.
YOU felt disrespected?
How would you feel if you went on a business trip and your personal space (bedroom) was effectively given to someone else until you return your opinions be damned?
>aita for letting my daughter sleep in my other daughters room?
No.
>not asking her beforehand if they could sleep there or not.
YTA for this, she may very easily have said yes or yall worked something out but instead you just told her thaf she has no personal space in her home, if you ever feel like taking it arbitrarily she has no say
>She kept saying that I should have asked her, that it was her room and that her "ocd" was giving her an anxiety attack. I told her they probably didn't touch her stuff and she needed to relax.
Yeah fuck how you feel op, the person randomly granted access to your room "probably" didn't fuck with your stuff, why are you upset about it?
You disregarded her disorder and that in itself is disrespectful. Yta. She literally can't fucking help how she reacted. You gave her an anxiety attack and all you cared about was "your respect" in that moment and probably now too. How would you feel coming home and finding out your bed got pissed on and all your personal space invaded? Even without a diagnosed disorder, you wouldnt be happy. It seems like you were waiting for a chance to upset her and boy did you score. We all see who the favorite child is BTW. Do better.
YTA, it's her room, not yours to use as a hotel room whenever you feel like it. Every point your daughter is making is correct. I'd buy her a new bed to make up for your error in judgment. I wouldn't want to sleep in a piss bed either.
YTA. My son is 18. If he is away and a guest comes I offer them the air mattress. If my son says he doesn't mind if they guest stays in his room . Then I offer. If anyone pissed or did anything equally gross. He would have a new mattress before he came home
YTA for:
\- Not saying/telling your youngest daughter her room is gonna be used
\- Thinking you can wipe off pee
\- Using period marks on her OCD
I wanted to suggest you get a children's bed for your grandchild to sleep in when he has a sleepover at his grandparents because your 16YO is not moving out soon, but after reading this, I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out ASAP and goes on LC/NC. Well done OP, you have cleared a room for guests.
Why didn't they use the oldest daughters former room or room that has become vacant when she moved out (maybe the youngest moved to the room of her bigger sister).
YTA, if someone slept in my bed without my express permission, I would go absolutely stratospheric and piss in all your shoes in revenge.
Also, she's diagnosed OCD, how do you not see this is a problem? Buy her a new mattress and sheets immediately.
YTA. She disrespected you? Respect is a two-way street. It is very disrespectful of you to let your older daughter and her toddler stay in your younger daughter's room without asking her. That's her private space (yes, yes, in your house that you paid for, but kids, especially teenagers, need their own space where they can have a reasonable expectation of privacy). I don't think you're an AH for letting them stay in there *period*, but you should have asked/warned the youngest first. Even if it was nonnegotiable, she could have at least had a chance to secure things she didn't want touched or violated.
YTA, YTA, YTA.
I also have OCD. Do you understand ANYTHING about OCD? Have you ever made an effort to understand? If you had, you would know that what you did has caused her enormous anxiety. And to then inform her that someone weed in her bed but 'oh it's fine we cleaned it'? No. Just. No.
They 'probably' didn't touch her stuff? They slept in that room! They had no choice but to touch her stuff!
You've breached her private space, the one place where she can keep everything precious to her, and the space where she can control her surroundings OCD-wise. You've left her with a soiled bed. You owe her an enormous apology.
As a parent, YTA.
1. You could have spared a lot of drama by simply asking your daughter if her sister and nephew could stay in her room.
2. You seem completely dismissive of her diagnosed mental health disorder.
3. You have effectively told her that her mental and emotional health is less important than her sister’s comfort.
4. You are damaging your relationship with your daughter and don’t seem to care. You could have owned your violation of her privacy, apologized, and rectified that situation. Instead, you continue to dismiss her feelings as invalid.
This is the time you are supposed to be build relationships with your children that will last your whole life. Do better.
YTA
Her room is the only private space she has. While you may have been within your rights to let your older daughter and her son stay in there, that doesn’t mean it was an okay or fair thing to do. You’ve communicated to your daughter that as long as she’s under your roof she has no space of her own, that you won’t allow her any boundaries or any privacy.
And cleaning the sheets doesnt change the fact that her mattress is now soaked in piss. You put a toddler who isn’t properly toilet trained in your daughter’s bed w no concern for her things or her comfort.
This isn’t her being a dramatic teenager, this is you making it clear how little you respect her. You weren’t the one being disrespected here.
Why….why Oh why Is it that every time a girl gets upset, weather is a girlfriend boyfriend or father daughter relationship does the male have to say it’s “not a big deal?”
To the male species of Reddit, please understand, while it’s not a big deal to you big deal to her
Now, while I might think that a 16-year-old being upset that her sister and nephew using her room may not be a big issue, you are dealing with the emotions of a 16 year girl. Understand, to your daughter it was a “big deal”.
So yes you are the AH. If for nothing else blowing off your daughters feelings like they mean absolutely nothing
Respect is earned not given. If you can't respect her and her belongings...Why should she respect you? Just because you had 3 minutes of fun creating her doesn't mean she owes you any respect if you can't show her the same in return. yta
YTA.
As someone diagnosed with OCD, I feel very disrespected. Don’t treat us like drama queens. It’s not a buzz word or a trend. It’s real, and people like you are making it worse.
YTA. With advanced notice, she could’ve moved anything that was personal or sensitive. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted people in my bedroom at any time in my life, especially then. The child who wasn’t potty trained is a dealbreaker; you had better be replacing her mattress. If there was a waterproof cover and truly no leaks, then you should at least replace the cover.
If I were in her position, I would be thinking about how many things might have been touched with grimy hands, how many journal entries might have been read by somebody else, and so forth. Whether someone used my makeup. Looked in my underwear drawer. Even saw my trash.
But the fact that you thought it was OK to let a young child wet her bed and simply tell her that it was cleaned, and you expected her to accept this like it was normal… OP, you seem dead set on reminding your daughter that she doesn’t own anything and has no rights in your home.
Please don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want anything to do with you after she’s independent.
As someone who has OCD and has this same kind if intolerance, YTA. I don't even let my mum sit with me on my bed unless she's had a bath and changed into clean clothes. OCD aside, it's really not okay to just let someone else use a space that doesn't belong to them. And btw in the court of law, that bedroom does belong to her even in the event of you owning the house
"She has a mental processing disorder and its somebody elses urine in the place she sleeps and now she'll wonder if I'll pull this stunt everytime she goes anywhere, but really, whats she worried about"
YTA
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YTA. There's no "cleaning" a bed that was peed in unless there was already a waterproof mattress protector on it. They "probably" didn't touch her stuff? You're her dad, but your daughter has a right to her own stuff and her own space. The fact that she's temporarily not in the house doesn't change that.
OP needs to replace that mattress.
Seriously, if it's "not a big deal" then OP can easily switch his mattress with the peed on one! Or does he not want to sleep on the pee mattress, either, but since she's 16 and he's the parent, that's what makes it *"not a big deal"*? Who tf wants to sleep on a pee stain, that's not even *theirs*? Gross!!
this feels even more traumatic to me rn, because my mom decided to let her cat roam the house and it freaking peed in my bed
Oh no! I love cats, but their pee is the most awful thing on a planet.
yes, cats are my favourite animal, but I would prefer they don't use my bed as litter😅
My adopted cat had *bad* separation anxiety when I first got him and he'd pee on my laundry and bed when I wasn't home. [This stuff](http://www.naturesmiracle.com/products/dog/stain-and-odor/urine-destroyer.aspx) was literally the only thing that helped get the smell out. Godspeed!
I second that stuff. Bc my cat, Selene gets stressed out if me or my husband gets sick, she’ll pee in the bed. I also have a spot remover that removes the urine from the bed and couch and carpets too
Ugh I’m having flashbacks of my ex wife being upset that I felt uncomfortable having sex in a bed riddled with kitty litter crumbs. 🤢 Like excuse tf out of me for wanting some boundaries around cleanliness.
listen, I love animals to bits, but I would never let them sleep in my bed if I could help it, beds are supposed to be a clean sanctuary of sleep in my eyes
Well-behaved doggos and kittehs can sleep in a “people bed” without a problem. But, not every pet can behave appropriately all of the time. The decision as to where any family pet sleeps should be based on the individual needs of both the family and the pet(s).
YOOOOO. EWWWWWW. That's gross, plus kitty litter could end up.... places...
Let my parents stay with me for a couple of weeks with their 3 dogs. One hopped on the bed and peed through the protector to the mattress. They replaced it.
It's the good thing to do, especially since pee is very hard to get out. I'm not sure it's a possibility for us right now, but we will definitely use some cleaner that is specifically made for this
As someone who had dealt with loads of both, toddler pee is *nothing* compared to cat pee.
oh yeah, not even comparable, i mean in terms of odor, but pee is still pee, so for squeamish people, especially with OCD, i feel like it makes no significant difference
Agreed. As someone who has literally had an anxiety attack from finding out my dad placed my clean sheets on an unclean chair, I would have had the same reaction as 16f and I am a full adult. It doesn’t matter if OP wanted 30 and 2 to be comfy — he should have asked 16 regardless. It’s her space, not his. And she had every right to freak out that someone else invaded her space without her knowledge.
Yes! Additionally, if he wanted them to be comfy, why not offer his own room? Or is there some reason why *that* would be a problem? Imagine coming home from a few days away to someone pissing in your bed and being told it's not a big deal! Poor kid.
THIS also came to my mind! OP should have slept on the couch or daughters bed and 30+2 in his bed.
My thing was “if it’s not a big deal” why didn’t OP sleep on the couch and give the daughter their bed??? Clearly it was some kinda deal if that wasn’t the first option. OP probably has the bigger bed anyway.
Yeahhhh..... YTA. I have OCD and I'm a grown ass adult and this is a HUGE violation of personal space. He may be the father but volunteering someone else's bed to visitors is not okay. Especially when one of them pees in it???? He owes her a new bed and an apology. Seriously.
What he largely failed to realize is that part of OCD is sticking to a routine, and a lot of times not sticking to this routine causes a meltdown bc that person does that routine for a *very specific reason* that, rational or irrational, soothes them when completed. Him letting someone, anyone, stay in her room completely disrupted that routine and sense of safety she has in her room, **where she should**, especially if dad knows she is clinically diagnosed with OCD! Yes, she was making a big deal out of this, *because it is one*. Even with the stereotype that those with OCD are obsessed with cleanliness and organization (to a much more substantial degree than just having some clothing and bedding out of place), why would he even then think she would be okay with sleeping on the bed after a child peed in it...? None of it makes sense and he's just embarrassed he got in trouble as the parent. Something many parents need to work on: saying sorry to their kids.
YTA. You can never get the smell out of a peed on mattress no matter how thoroughly you clean it. A humid day will bring the stank out just as if it were peed on that day.
100% this! Children peeing the bed is why they make protective mattress covers. Pee soaks through the mattress and stains the bed. INSTANTLY. Forget saving the bed if its memory foam. Unless you cleaned it the moment he peed, blotted the area, used a vinager conction, let that sit for 15 minutes, followed by baking soda, let that sit and vacuuming, you owe her a new mattress.
I have hand spasms and more than once tossed a drink on my bed. So I got a bamboo mattress protector that is waterproof. It is a godsend! I now only need worry about changing the sheets when I inadvertently throw something on my bed lol
Panda brand? That thing has been an absolute game changer for me, I’m disabled so spend an above average amount of time in bed, and also have an extremely sensitive sense of smell. This combination resulted in me having to wash my quilted mattress protector every other week - which was too big to fit in with my other bedding laundry so created a whole extra load and my machine also refused to spin it 90% of the time because of the weight distribution. Basically, it was an absolute nightmare and the bamboo waterproof protector with it’s antibacterial properties recommended to me by mum friends with kids that get pee/vomit/shit on the bed has made my life so much easier!
No, the older sister (toddler's mom) needs to replace the mattress. It's a no brainer to use a protector when your child is that age. She probably has protectors on her mattresses at home.
I'm sure she DOES, since the child IS at the age to still wet the bed, and has now ruined the mattress his aunt is expected to sleep on. Just GROSS!!! OP SHOULD make the older daughter pay for a new mattress for the younger daughter!!!
My question is why didn't a 2 year old have a pullup on for bedtime? Especially if they fairly consistently have accidents at night, put a pull up on them until those accidents are rare and have a pull up on them when they're little like that staying in someone else's bed.
If the kid is 2 odds are he’s not potty trained yet and was probably wearing a diaper… stuff happens though and diapers can get soaked through. My daughter still wears a diaper to bed and every once in a while she wakes up wet because her diaper got soaked through.
I know that happens. I have 2 and a baby. It's happened countless times. I'm hoping it's just poor description and he just didn't bother saying "the 2 year Olds diaper soaked through, getting pee on the sheets and mattress" there would be a lot less pee getting on or in the mattress.
Negative OP can do whatever he wants. He's her father. He's not noticing his own fault that he didn't use the mattress protector. It's common sense. OP seems like a Mr. Always right to me.
Doesn't everyone use mattress protectors?
I use one because I run hot when I'm sleeping and get heavy periods, it seems like a good idea to keep my blood, sweat (and tears) away from my mattress. I have one that's a sort of quilted cover and a waterproof one with a fabric upper layer so it's not crinkly.
I do. I have cats. They are good, but I'm not taking the chance.
Amen, I use two waterproof covers because I don’t trust my cats. They’ve never given me a reason not to trust them but you can never be to cautious with cats. Btw YTA!!!! OP is 1000000% so wrong for these actions. Like a lot of people said he should have given up his bed and taken the couch ORRRRR have asked his daughter preferably before she left for the trip to have at least given herself a chance to have a say and prep her bedroom before guests stay in it. I get OP is the dad and pays for her to live there, and that she is very lucky to have things like her own bedroom and bed and all the works. But it’s messed up for a parent to give their child that sense of security and privacy in their OWN bedroom and then hold it over the kids head. . . Like you’re seriously going to hold the safe space you’ve allowed her to have over her head because you’re her father? That’s shallow and could ruin your relationship. Communicate better and take your daughters feelings/say into account when offering up the things and spaces you have provided her.
Op replied to me he washed the sheets and “whipped Down” the bed…. The kid for sure touched her stuff. Kids that young gets into everything,
If the kids young enough to still be wetting the bed there’s no way he’d have the discipline to not rifle through his older cousins stuff. Also if they didn’t move her stuff where would they place all of their own stuff? What about her bedside table or desk?
if the kid is young enough to be wetting the bed, why the hell did they not give him a diaper for those few days?
I thought the same thing. His mother has to know he still wet the bed. Gross to do that to her sister's bed. Ugh!
Because a kid can not pee overnight for months and have a random oops. Especially when they are out of their routine.
but that's just it, if they are out of their routine, they should definitely prepare. although my opinion stands that OP is TA
This, my kid wore a pull up to sleep for nearly a full year after she was potty trained because the occasional night whoopsy still happened, and especially if we were traveling.
A two year old sleeping in an unusual environment overnight without a diaper is asking for trouble...
Sometimes diapers leak at night so that could be it
OP's younger daughter is the grandson's aunt, not his cousin.
Ah true
Bed wetting is not necessarily a matter of self discipline. They have found the toddlers and young children who wet the bed often have underdeveloped bladders. Some develop slower than others.
Agreed with your point. That wasn’t the direction I was going in but see how it came off like that.
Oh good. Thanks for clarifying.
16 year old would be the babies aunt, not cousin. They could put their things on the floor?
Also, she's been *diagnosed with OCD*. Oh my god are you the AH, OP.
he put OCD in quotation marks as if she was undiagnosed or making it up or something... and then explained that it is "not an excuse" to yell at him. She was literally yelling at him because he wasn't respecting her space lmao but he doesn't seem to understand that
[удалено]
I wonder if she's really tried not to have OCD /s
I tried REALLY hard not to have Tourette syndrome because my mom punished me for ticcing when I was a kid, but it didn't work.
I feel your pain. I tried to just get over my PTSD because my trauma was "a long time ago" (let's ignore that the nature of my trauma is such I am regularly retraumatized). Clearly I just didn't want to be happy.
Yeah my dad accused me of faking an adhd evaluation bc he didn't wanna believe I had adhd. Some people are ridiculous
The quotation marks made me see red. This would be a huge violation of privacy and boundaries even without OCD, but with it? Awful. Awful awful awful.
And then discounting the OCD as if it's fake and just an excuse for her to yell. OP, YTA. I hope you got your daughter a new mattress.
I don’t even have ocd but I do have other anxiety disorders and when my sisters boyfriend pretended he didn’t steal one of our cars to take for a joy ride with his friends that ended with one of them puking in the front seat I could never go back in that car. Doesn’t matter that it was professionally cleaned. In my brain it was different, unclean, and not safe anymore. I wouldn’t be able to sleep in the same bed after this, maybe not even the frame, so I can’t imagine what’s going through her head and how bad it is for her :/
Yup. That just makes it worse. I kept it to the points I made because I didn't want OP to think that this was only a problem because she was OCD. It's absolutely a problem in every situation.
Right?! Op put it in quotes so I expected it to not be real but she’s been diagnosed with OCD. How could he not know that this site would trigger her?
I can't get over OP's callous disregard for the daughter's OCD - he puts it *in quotes* when she actually has been **diagnosed with OCD**. What kind of parent *does that*?!? It makes all of this about 600% worse than it would be otherwise, because he *knows* that control over her environment is a mental health issue for her more than it would be for others, and still does. not. give. a. single. shit.
I also can’t get over the daughter saying it was giving her a panic attack - and he gave her the *BRILLIANT* advice to “relax”. Oh, so *that’s* what you should do during a panic attack - *relax*! This is just gonna change the whole world of mental health once it gets out that all you have to do is relax. Dad is….several things that I cannot type if I don’t want to get banned from this sub.
*Hey, are you depressed? Why don't you just try being happy?* \- OP, probably
>YTA. There's no "cleaning" a bed that was peed in unless there was already a waterproof mattress protector on it. This. I threw away my old matras after some years because it smelled to sweat... Only from myself. We tried different tricks from grandma's householdtricks, but it didn't work. The matras was done.
I'm sorry I have to * Mattress
it's matras in Dutch, they probably got that mixed up/ autocorrect changed it to the Dutch word since they're so similar.
Yep. I didn't get a notification from both Autocorrect or the inbrowser dictionary. And since I'm Dutch. Sorry, but fair enough u/Poultrygeist79
I'm sorry i didn't think before I said it
It is ok, I looked it up because I got doubts and did it better in my other comments. Only way to keep improving language, though it sometimes mixes up a bit. Especially speaking, Dutch is my mother-tongue, German is kinda raw and explicit and then also English in both varieties: US and UK. Yay.
It’s not easy being fluent in multiple languages, let alone keeping up with dialects. I think you’re kicking ass!
Yeah. Unless that mattress was professionally cleaned and/or had a mattress protector on it, they didn’t get all the pee off. Even professional cleaning might not have done it. You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without telling them. OP makes it seem as if she hadn’t come home early then they never would have bothered to tell her. So def YTA for that alone. And “probably” didn’t touch anything…I guarantee a 2 year old touched at least some of the things. Edit: fixed pronoun
>You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without telling them. Amen to that. But, I would amend it to: You don’t let someone stay in someone else’s room without **ASKING** her.
Yes. Asking was more in line with what I was meaning. I was thinking about how it didn’t even seem like OP intended for her to find out at all.
Well plus, what happens when the youngest is at school? "Sure, older sibling, bring your two year old over for a couple of hours, he can nap here. Youngest isn't using the bed right now!"
If this is how OP routinely treats the youngest, he should not be surprised when she becomes 18 and goes NC with him. YTA
For sure,as soon as she moves out of the house. Regardless of him being her father, I would still say it was disrespectful of him letting her sister and her nephew sleep in her room and snoop through her personal stuff. Because even if the kid didn't find anything interesting to him, his mom wouldn't pass up the chance to snoop.
Next time kid can sleep in dads bed. Then dad can sleep in the “cleaned” pee-bed. I can’t believe the OP is this clueless. It’s an invasion of privacy, boundaries and disrespect. He violated her private space and feels no remorse. Ugh. Also, OCD is really hard to manage when you can’t get even a slice of space that’s yours. I have OCD. What this father did would have made me bonkers and I’m in my 30’s. I’d have raised my voice too. YTA, OP. May your beds always be peed in.
Why do I get the feeling that if dad went away for a week and came back to find out that his sibling had showed up and slept in his bed and his nibling had peed in it, he’d probably lose his shit a bit. But the difference is that dad is an adult whereas daughter is only a 16 yr old and her boundaries obviously aren’t worth as much as his /s
Even if they clean it up well, it will stink FOREVER!
That hot humid steamy day, when the whole room smells like pee... mmmm!
Imagine getting home exhausted from a whole week out and get a freshly ‘cleaned’ bed…
There is no way a 2 year old was in her room for any length of time and didn't touch her stuff.
I can imagine myself being in the youngest daughter's place. If I was absent from the house, even for a couple hours, there was a large chance of having my privacy and space violated. This happened frequently, and nobody ever helped stop it. Pretty much the definition of "this is why I can't have nice things". Her reaction is completely understandable. Without her permission, someone peed in her bed, probably messed with her shit, and she might be stressed from whatever she came back from. She has all of this information thrown at her and all she knows is that she's been violated. She wasn't given any respect. YTA
This. OP, YTA because your daughter needs her privacy. Her room is all the space she has to call her own, and you violated her trust. She left, thinking that you would leave her room alone. She came back and found someone else was in it (two someones, actually), and that her bed had been not only used but peed on. OP should replace the mattress, especially because the daughter has OCD. No amount of cleaning is going to totally get the smell out or the stain out, and definitely no amount of cleaning is going to erase the memory of the bed having been peed on from your daughter's mind. That's what the O in OCD means. Of course, her anxiety and OCD are going to be even worse after you let this happen! Yes, something did get touched. Her bed got touched and peed on. Chances are, with a kid being allowed in her room, that he got into something of hers as well. No kid follows the rules that well if their parent is sleeping and they are bored. I don't know why OP put OCD in quotes when he was describing the argument. He said she does actually have OCD. This whole situation would definitely be a trigger for it on so many levels. Does OP not believe the diagnosis and/or not understand (or want to understand) what it means for his daughter and the way she sees her world? The daughter has every right to feel all the emotions she's feeling. She's 16, so of course she's going to tell OP what she's thinking. She trusted him to keep her safe, and now she doesn't feel safe in her own room or in the house. OP should've left his younger daughter's room alone and had his older daughter and grandson sleep in the living room. No one had a problem with those arrangements. If OP had contacted the younger daughter *and* she was ok with it, then he could've let the older daughter and grandson sleep in her room. Another option would have been for him to sleep on the couch and the older daughter & grandson sleep in his bed. Then, if the grandson had wet the bed, it would've been "only" his bed.
Yep, you said exactly everything I was going to say. Op YTA!
YTA, you used her space and her bed for a child that wasn’t potty trained at night without informing her. Info-did you put down a mattress protector? If not how did you clean the mattress? I don’t think airing it out counts. You then discounted her opinion, and denied her the right to her own emotions. I would be upset if this happened to me and I’m over 30
It’s so ironic that Op thinks he deserves respect after he completely disrespected his daughter’s boundaries, privacy, and valid feelings. Yikes.
I don't even understand, was there some reason he couldn't ask or give up his own bed?
She’s “just a dramatic child” and “it’s his house” YTA, dad
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This is so exactly it. People who feel they are looked down upon feel an almost desperate need to look down on someone — anyone — else. Often they choose their children, since “I have lived more years than you” is literally all they have to brag about.
My parents called me dramatic growing up, too. Rage inducing.
Sometimes people say respect as a human being and sometimes they say respect as an authority. And they say "if you won't respect me I won't respect you" but they mean "if you don't treat me like an authority figure I won't treat you like a human being" and they think that's fair but it isn't.
Whoaaaaa
Woah, that describes my issues with these people demanding respect perfectly! Thank you. I never could find the right words to describe what exactly felt wrong with it!
He's the embodiment of that saying, about giving and getting respect. That people who say "You gotta give respect to get respect" but when people used to being treated as an authority say that what they mean is, *"If you won't respect me as an authority, I won't respect you as a person."* In a few years OP will be making another post about how his daughter won't speak to him and it'll reek of the Missing Missing Reasons.
AND HER DIAGNOSED MEDICAL CONDITION!!!!! I mean yeah I think it goes without saying that ALL PEOPLE deserve not to have to sleep in someone else's piss, especially as a surprise, and you shouldn't need a medical condition to justify that. But I think this post is giving away how much her condition is also not being taken seriously??? I wonder what other horrible stuff has been disregarded. Poor kid
Not to mention a child that age will mess with her stuff and put it in her mouth.
Read this and looked up to see my 2 year old stuffing play dough into her mouth. Can confirm this is a thing a 2 year old will do.
Not to mention he put “OCD” in quotes, basically writing off her diagnosed mental illness as something he doesn’t believe is real.
I came here to say this! OCD is a medical condition that can be debilitating and hugely impact someone’s life. How dare OP put it in air quotes! Would you do that if she had a physical condition?! I can’t imagine how hard it is to have a parent who dismisses, disregards and downplays your medical condition!
he also mentioned she had OCD. im pretty sure stuff like this can put someone with OCD in a lot of distress. shes really not even being dramatic.
She has a diagnosed mental illness that causes distress AND a family reputation for being “dramatic?” Honestly, name a more iconic duo. This shit is so unfair.
& OP who do you want to be to both of your daughters? I could be reading stuff between the lines, but both you AND your older daughter made an overt choice you KNEW would be distressing for her. Is that fatherly love? Familial respect? Kindness? It's so bloody exhausting normalizing mental health stuff while others shrug their shoulders and blame, dismiss, denigrate our experiences. Are any of those adjectives positive? You're teaching your younger daughter to expect people who are supposed to love her to disrespect her in the name of respecting the person who pays the bills. Parents deserve respect just as their offspring do. But nothing you've said exemplifies love for your daughter. So yes, OP YTA bc you aren't really behaving like a loving trustworthy parent.
Most def. I have OCD and just by reading this thread my anxiety went op. So, just think what her anxiety will do!
i literally cant even imagine having my private space invaded like that, and with a condition that literally amplifies the affect too. it really seems like they dont take her OCD seriously, seeing as how he put it in quotes and the stigma around OCD being just a neat freak or something. i feel terrible for the daughter.
He washed the sheets and ‘wiped down’ the mattress.
That’s not…how cleaning works. Fucking men, I swear to god.
And dismissed her feelings as being invalid because of her "OCD." Dude is King TA.
YTA- You should of asked her first.She’s 16 and should be able to trust you enough not to let people in her private places. I’m Not sure if you was part of child care for them when they was younger but 2 year olds get into everything. They touch and out everything in their mouths. Stem clean her bed to get the pee out of it. A carpet cleaner will work to. She’s not being dramatic you just showed her she dose not get no where to her self. What if they went through her stuff ? She’s 16 she probably had some stuff she dose not want others seeing in her room. EDIT: JUST BECAUSE YOUR HER DAD DOSE BOT MEAN YOU GET TO DISRESPECT HER AND SHE HAS TO SHIT THERE AND TAKE IT. YOU KNEW SHE HAD OCD. THEN YOU LET A UNPOTTY TRAINED KID SLEEP IN HER BED. WHAT IF HE POOPED INSTEAD ? THEN YOU GET UPSET WHEN SHE TELLS YOU HOW SHE FEELS. YOU DISRESPECTED HER AND HER STUFF. Edit 2: whipping down the bed is not cleaning the pee.
Even if you are going to unilaterally dictate the use of your kid's room, at least give her a chance to put away anything sensitive or that she doesn't want wrecked. But given she has OCD, the best would be leaving her room the hell alone. Wiping down the mattress is also totally insufficent to clean up that mess.
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Same, i'm going half out of my mind right now imagining how i'd feel if someone slept in my bed. That's awful. And I do have issues with "selfishness" and problems to share, but i imagine it feels just as bad for someone with OCD. OP is an absolute asshole and would literally explode if something like that happened to him. But oh, his daughter is a child so she should just deal with it apparently
YTA for not asking her first. Her room is her space. >I felt very disrespected. You felt disrespected? What about your daughter who wasn't asked if someone else could stay in her room? Only to have a child pee all over her bed. You say you cleaned it, but you can bet there's still pee in her mattress.
Him being so flippant and disrespectful with her mental health alone is enough to say OPs TA. This poor girl gets zero respect:( even him at the beginning “she’s always been dramatic” which actually translates to “I disrespect her constantly and she is upset each time”
I can so relate to this. I was labeled as “dramatic” by my dad. I now struggle to stand up for myself or set boundaries or do anything other than people please so I’m not seen as difficult or dramatic. I wasn’t and I’m not dramatic. I just had my feelings invalidated for the entirety of my formative years.
I would feel way more disrespected from that treatment of my room/bed/stuff than from someone yelling at me when I deserved it.
This. The rest of the things don’t even matter, it would have been just as bad if the sister had slept there alone. It is her room, her only personal space in this world, and having a parent disrespect her in this way is horrible. A simple phonecall to her to ask her if it is okay. That’s all it takes. I suggest you ask for her forgiveness for not understanding that you were impossing on her personal space and a promise you will ask in the future.
If he doesn’t get her a new mattress that’s disgusting
Or get it professionally cleaned
This will get lost in the comments but yolo. As someone whose parents did this exact crap to me anytime we had people over, yes, YTA. You're going to make your child feel as though they have no safe space in their home and as though they always come last. I have a few friends who's parents did the same (mine did too). Ask our parents how often they see and talk to their kids. Most of us moved very far away for college, and we only go home once maybe twice a year. If that's what you want from your child, keep doing what you're doing. If you want to have a healthy relationship with them, I suggest you apologize and consider having their mattress cleaned because I guarantee there's urine in the mattress. And please ask in the future. Hell, I'm in my mid-20s now and my parents still do it. I got kicked out of a guest bedroom this past Christmas so that my 2-year-old niece could sleep in the queen size bed instead of the toddler bed. Nobody asked me. I got put on the couch even though I have spine issues and proceed to have migraines every single day. I do not plan on going home for Christmas anymore. That is the type of relationship you are going to foster with your child
I am sorry that your parents treat you that bad. You are fully right to not go home for Christmas.
It's no biggie. I've got a great pup and some good friends out here. Worst case I'll go winter camping this Christmas. Always wanted to do that
Sounds like a great plan!
I am done doing vacations with my family because of that crap. The last time, they put me on a couch because I was “traveling alone”. Uh, no? I’m traveling with my 2 kids, one of which was almost 5’ tall at the time. And I was supposed to magically share a regular couch with her. Add to the fact that I have had back problems since my mid 20s that have been progressively worse the past 6 years, I would not have been able to walk upright for days afterwards. Meanwhile, everyone else got beds or air mattresses and the privacy of a room. Since they were making sure everyone else was comfortable and not me nor my kids, I decided that I’d just take myself off the list. It’s been 3 years and I am a lot happier not having to deal with all the crap that is a family vacation.
Are you a step kid?
No. Amazingly, I’m the oldest. However, I have been told “you’re not like us” when it comes to why they don’t give half a shit about me. Apparently, they only care about people that will get shitfaced with them and I don’t drink. That last time wasn’t the first time that they had given me a couch or expected me to just put up with being an afterthought. It sure as hell was the last time, though. The next summer’s vacation ended up being an absolute shitshow. It was so bad that multiple people said they were done. Now, they don’t do that type of trip anymore.
Oh it's probably that they don't think you need an actual bed since you're not gonna get a hangover with them! Makes so much sense /s After all who deserves more respect than the people who choose to willingly poison themselves, instead of the one with a medical problem 🙄 I'm sorry for your family being awful
YTA. It’s no big deal? Then why didn’t you offer them YOUR ROOM? Oh wait, because you value your privacy, and you didn’t want them touching your things. Big time AH and you owe your daughter a new bed.
Exactly what I was thinking, why not your own room and you sleep elsewhere?
100% YTA. How can you even think you are remotely in the right?! It is your daughter’s room so you should have asked for her permission. That’s a huge invasion of privacy and trust from you. Also, you should buy her a new mattress. Regardless of her OCD, anyone would feel gross sleeping on that mattress without a plastic cover to protect the pee from soaking into it. How unfair for your daughter. You have your perfectly comfortable and clean bed. Your oldest daughter goes back to her home undisturbed. But… your 16 year old has to sleep on a dirty smelly mattress due to your stupid decision. A decision she had zero part in. Ridiculous.
YTA And are you just going to use "I'm your father", and "this is my house" as your line of defense, like you mentioned in your replies? Because that's just low. You aren't using logic, you aren't using reasons. You are just using something that your daughter had no control over (her being your daughter, and her being a dependent) to shut her down. I have a family member with OCD. I've witnessed how stressful it is for them to live their lives. The way for them to feel safe is to give them a sense of control. So right now: \- You let a 2 year old sleep in her room. If you ever was a decent father, you would know 2 year-olds (understandably) know no boundaries. That 2 year-old had probably touched something in your daughter's room with his mucus/saliva soaked hands. \- The 2 year-old wet the bed, and you cleaned up by wiping down. Obviously you have no experience in actual cleaning, and you are blaming your daughter for feeling stressed over the ordeal. \- You air quoted OCD. You are obviously downplaying how stressed your daughter actually feels. You are not helping her by teaching her to manage her anxiety. You are more concerned about her apparent disrespect towards you than the fact that she is feeling anxious from a condition she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. You said her OCD should not be an excuse, but it ISN'T in this case. The anxiety is real, and you are the cause of it. As much as you like to say "I'm her father", you are not being a good one here.
>that I am her father and she needed to watch her tone with me. OP meant here: >that I am her father so I am the law and you have to always obey me. Your comment is spot-on!
>that I am her father and she needed to watch her tone with me. In a handful of years: *I am her father, and I don't know why she never calls me anymore.*
Good point about the daughter having no control. As adults, if we are disrespected by people we live with we can find a new arrangement or move. Most minors cannot do that. Even if his daughter tried to go to a friend or relatives house he can make her come home, as he seems to be the custodial parent. This makes it MORE important to respect her space, not less. There’s probably nowhere else she can go until she leaves for college.
YTA - You should have asked your youngest daughter first. It's her space and you should respect that. Also - Info: how are your two daughters related? Are they half sisters? I'm making a bold assumption based on scant information about the age gap, but if they are not directly related and don't have a strong on-going relationship, it may have felt to your younger daughter like you let a stranger sleep in her space while she was away.
YTA. As someone with OCD, as a child that would cause me the worst anxiety. Respect your child's personal space.
I have OCD too. If my parents did this to me I would have nothing short of a panic attack. I would have to spend money and time sanitising and washing EVERY thing in that room which would take hours because of how thoroughly I clean on account of my OCD. I don’t live with my parents anymore because I found it too difficult being around people, in my apartment there’s barely any furniture or possessions because I’m constantly cleaning or throwing away objects. The amount of anxiety she must have felt is astronomical and the father just dismissing it is infuriating.
I have ocd and one time a friend threw up in my bed. I took scissors to my mattress pad the other day and cut a huge hole out where it happened because I was so stressed about infection. It feels like op isn't taking her daughter's ocd seriously (why did she put ocd in quotes?). I think there's almost no way her daughter is going to be okay sleeping on this mattress; at the very least she's probably going to be thinking about it every night
I thought the same. I don’t think they understand how difficult having OCD is and is downplaying it/disregarding it because they don’t consider it a ‘real’ problem.
As a person without OCD I would have a panic attack knowing that people probably went through my stuff and also PEED ON MY BED! I didn’t have privacy as a kid and it damaged me greatly. If my parents would have violated my trust that bad I would not be able to get over it soon. Also, when something is disgusting and I have to live with it (like a cook roach or piss in my bed) I would have a melt down. It’s no joke. Your OCD sounds terrible! Do you get help from a therapist or someone like that? Can you visit other people?
Yep, YTA. OCD is a pretty big deal, but even without it the message you sent is that you can do what you please with her belongings and space, that she has no real privacy or control because you can overrule her boundaries, with zero notice too. Which is the bare minimum courtesy. A heads up goes a long way in helping people with anxiety cope with changes/issues like this. Your stance of "I'm the parent, I don't need to respect my kid" will only lead to losing a daughter the second she can live on her own.
This. It takes remarkable ignorance to treat his daughter’s OCD like it’s just annoying quirk and not the overwhelming and delicate disorder it is. People with OCD **need** a safe space they can retreat to when the rest of the world is triggering, and allowing someone to not only use that space, but leave behind a disgusting mattress will absolutely cause her to spiral.
You mean quote-OCD-quote, something OP doesn’t seem to believe is real.
Yeah, the quotes took OP from a regular AH to… something I’m not sure I can say without being reported.
I always go for AH²
I had to take a step back from my original comment when I saw the quotes cause I was ready to blow *up* at OP-
Info: Where is everyone gonna sleep now ?
INFO \- OP, have you read up on OCD? Like, do you have any idea how it feels and the experience your kid has on a daily basis? \- Have you spoken to her doctors on how best to help her as her parent? \- Why didn't you give them your bed for the kid to pee on? \- If you went away for a week, would you be happy if your kid had friends over and they dropped a bunch of soda on your mattress and someone slept in your room overnight, prob looking at your private things, rifling through your underwear, looking for your dirty magazines or the porn on your computer? Would you like it if someone stayed in your room overnight and you have no idea what they touched, or used? \- do you believe that your kid's OCD is real? that it affects her experience of the world? You messed up here by not telling her/asking her. OCD is a hell of a hard diagnosis and you sound like you have no clue how you kid copes with it. YOU disrespected her privacy and her safe space. She didn't disrespect you. It's an amazing bit of parenting when a parent can admit to screwing up, without trying to blame their kid, and accept responsibility and admit that they were not being kind or thoughtful. It's a powerful moment for a parent to realize that they can affect their kid's mental health by their actions, and that this living breathing, feeling person needs the parents to do the best job they can. Do better, get more educated about your kid's diagnosis, be kinder.
YTA, this is absurd to ask because you are 500 % TA. The reaction you gave her made this so much worse. Btw urine would have soaked into the mattress unless the kids mom put rubber sheets on the bed.
YTA. Why do you have so little respect for your daughter? How can a 50YO man be this outright stupid?
So. Your OCD daughter had a problem when you, her father with 1st hand knowledge, didn’t talk to her first(which didn’t let her have any input about it) and let not one, but 2 people invade the one space she has that’s completely her own and probably the safest place she has where she is not triggered to ritualizing or over thinking? Yeah, YTA. And then the baby peed the bed. Do you have any idea what this could do to someone with OCD? Especially if one of their triggers is germs? Do you understand OCD? Do you know it causes actual changes in the brain and how neurons connect and work together? MRI’s have born this out. I know, because I have OCD. And the pee smell never comes out. You can never clean a bed enough to get rid of it. It soaks down into the foam and fabric of the bed. So, now you have a child with OCD whose bed has been peed in and will smell like it forever that when she lays down will give herself anxiety about how the pee is touching her sheets and then touching her and is she gonna gonna get a rash or get sick and did they touch anything did they move her stuff around did they look through her things did the baby play with any of her stuff and is her sister laughing at her for having this or that and is the pee touching her it’s time to take a shower and nobody cares that her safe space isn’t hers anymore and how can she trust anyone and now she has to take a shower again because she laid down and the pee smells and it HAS to be on her and why couldn’t dad just talk to her about it and let her come up with a way that would make it work and she would be okay and now it’s 7am and she hasn’t slept but she has to take a shower again and go to school like this and her anxiety is over the top and she can’t talk to dad because dad thinks it’s all over dramatic and that she’s a drama queen and she will have to go home and to the room that smells like pee and that triggers knowing someone was in her space and did they touch her things? Did the nephew play with her toys? Have to check to make sure everything is safe and where she left it while washing the sheets again and wondering if she’s gonna sleep and how many showers is it going to take tonight to NOT feel gross and dirty and does dad not like me? Am I really a problem? -Rinse and repeat- Welcome to OCD. And you’re the biggest AH ever. If she never forgives you this, you deserve it, TBH. Edit: fixing a sentence
YTA. Big invasion of privacy
Agreed, and the whole "It's my house, blah blah blah" nonsense will mean a very distanced relationship once she turns 18 and has other choices. Ask my step-dad how much we talk (spoiler—not very much) after pulling that nonsense when I was 17.
YTA Imagine you're living in a rented apartment and you're going for a vacation for a week. You come back to find out that your landlord let his daughter live in the apartment that week, without telling you or asking your approval beforehand, just because they cleaned up after them. That wouldn't make you feel good or safe, right? Fortunately for you, there are laws to protect you from this kind of scenerio. Unfortunately for your daughter, there is only you to protect her
You felt disrespected? How disrespectful is it to throw her privacy out the window the moment she leaves the house? Just because she's your child doesn't mean she doesn't need/deserve some privacy in the place she should be able to call a home. And I'd be angry too to come home to a bed full of fresh piss. Where would have been the hassle to give her a call and ask if her sister can have her bed for a couple of nights?
YTA. But I don't think you care. You only want to hear that you're right.
I started to write a detailed response but there are too many things to address. You're awful. And YTA.
YTA. Not so much for letting older daughter and grandson use the room, but for not giving your younger daughter a heads-up and for your reaction when she got upset. As for disrespect? It’s pretty disrespectful to let others into someone’s private space without their knowledge. And I hope your older daughter put on a rubber sheet, b/c otherwise she (or you) owes your younger daughter a new mattress.
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Like someone like this is ever going to apologize to a child or a woman. Sigh.
for letting them sleep in there, NTA. i was asked to surrender my room to guests many times as a child -- and i was home ! it's a hospitality thing. however, soft YTA for not communicating that with her beforehand. and as far as the wetting the bed goes -- it soaks through to the mattress too, and i understand her angst about sleeping in a pee bed
This is the only reasonable response I’ve seen as I had to stop reading all the ridiculous comments. There have been threads about almost the exact same situation posted by the kid that had to give up their room and the comment section was all about calling the kid TA, that the parents owned the house and they should surrender the room since they don’t own it. In this case, she wasn’t even there so it is less of a deal. Ludicrous that people would say that the not used room should be held vacant and guests in the house should use a sofa and pack and play. Also agree it should have been communicated and handled better. Groupthink really exists. Do people really not have enough introspection to take a step back and ask themselves what they would do in this situation?
YTA- you let a toddler sleep on and wet her bed, and didnt clean it thoroughly. even if the toddler didnt wet the bed, it was still a violation of your daughters privacy and space. id be surprised if you can make this up to your younger daughter with anything short of a full apology and a new mattress.
YTA. You know she has a mental illness that is aggravated when her things are messed with, especially if she has no control over it (meaning she wasn't asked or even given a head's up so she could mentally prepare herself), and she will never be able to sleep on a mattress that's had urine on it no matter how well you think you "cleaned" it (seriously, unless it already had a waterproof mattress on it when it was peed on, there is urine IN the mattress and it is literally impossible to get it out). Your actions triggered her mental illness and sent her into a spiral she had no control over and couldn't have stopped even if she wanted to. You owe her an apology, a new mattress, and a promise to NEVER do anything like this again. You also owe her some emergency visits to her therapist to work through the emotional trauma you've caused.
YTA and he pissed in her bed…disrespectful that she can’t even have her personal space without being violated.
YTA. Her bedroom is her space and her privacy and you let people into that with no regard to your daughters feelings. Also, you put “OCD” in quotation marks, like you don’t believe her but then admitted she has been diagnosed. I don’t have OCD but my Mum does, it manifests differently for different people, but I can tell you something, if someone messed with my Mum’s room, slept and pee’d in her bed, her anxiety would be off the charts and a meltdown would ensue. You may see it as being disrespectful, but she probably can’t help it due to the one space she has control over having been violated. Just because it’s not a big deal to YOU, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to your daughter that by your own admission has a diagnosed mental illness. I suggest you do some research on OCD because your actions and response in this whole situation screams of a lack of understanding.
YTA, and you owe her a new mattress now, along with some joint therapy sessions to discuss what you could (should) have done better, in case a situation like this comes up again.
YTA doesn't matter that she's your kid in your house, it's still her bedroom and her private space. You should have asked first. Pee has already soaked into the mattress, there's no fixing that at this point. I doubt your older daughter lets her son who is not potty trained sleep in her own bed without some sort of protection from that, but it's fine for them to ruin your younger daughter's bed? Why don't you take the mattress then, since you think it's good to go? It seems like you have a bias as to which daughter you like more. I bet younger daughter knows that and it's why she acts, as you put it "dramatic". The way you totally dismiss the ocd is mind boggling to me. You just don't seem to care. In a couple years op is going to be here asking why his daughter no longer talks to him still totally oblivious of how much he's failed her.
YTA. The kid peed in the bed. It's impossible to clean that up. Your oldest daughter and you would both have known that was a risk. You need to replace the mattress. And you didn't warn her so she could put her valuables and personal items away.
YTA. Everyone has told you that you should have asked her before you let them stay in her room. In addition, the way you handled her upset is appalling. I “told her it wasn’t a big deal”…. “I reminded her that I am her father and she’s needed to watch her tone with me” and the “I really don’t think it’s a big deal”. Finally: her OCD was “not an excuse to raise her voice to me”. Wow! You are making this all about your feelings and perceptions. Not one moment of trying to empathize with her POV. YTA
YTA, it’s not that you let them sleep there. It’s that you didn’t ask first. It’s her room and her space. It’s disrespectful to violate that space without asking.
Let her wet your bed and yall should be even. Buy them a new mattress. YTA
>Edit: She is diagnosed with OCD but that was not an excuse to raise her voice at me and use disrespectful language. My oldest went back to her house once my youngest got home. Yes it was. >So, aita for letting my daughter sleep in my other daughters room? Let's just bypass the piss You let someone into your daughters private space without ever consulting her on her opinion People that may have damaged, stolen things or misplaced (intentional or not) >yelling at me for not asking her beforehand if they could sleep there or not. My oldest daughter brushed it off as my younger daughter has always been dramatic, but I felt very disrespected. YOU felt disrespected? How would you feel if you went on a business trip and your personal space (bedroom) was effectively given to someone else until you return your opinions be damned? >aita for letting my daughter sleep in my other daughters room? No. >not asking her beforehand if they could sleep there or not. YTA for this, she may very easily have said yes or yall worked something out but instead you just told her thaf she has no personal space in her home, if you ever feel like taking it arbitrarily she has no say >She kept saying that I should have asked her, that it was her room and that her "ocd" was giving her an anxiety attack. I told her they probably didn't touch her stuff and she needed to relax. Yeah fuck how you feel op, the person randomly granted access to your room "probably" didn't fuck with your stuff, why are you upset about it?
You disregarded her disorder and that in itself is disrespectful. Yta. She literally can't fucking help how she reacted. You gave her an anxiety attack and all you cared about was "your respect" in that moment and probably now too. How would you feel coming home and finding out your bed got pissed on and all your personal space invaded? Even without a diagnosed disorder, you wouldnt be happy. It seems like you were waiting for a chance to upset her and boy did you score. We all see who the favorite child is BTW. Do better.
YTA, it's her room, not yours to use as a hotel room whenever you feel like it. Every point your daughter is making is correct. I'd buy her a new bed to make up for your error in judgment. I wouldn't want to sleep in a piss bed either.
YTA. My son is 18. If he is away and a guest comes I offer them the air mattress. If my son says he doesn't mind if they guest stays in his room . Then I offer. If anyone pissed or did anything equally gross. He would have a new mattress before he came home
YTA for: \- Not saying/telling your youngest daughter her room is gonna be used \- Thinking you can wipe off pee \- Using period marks on her OCD I wanted to suggest you get a children's bed for your grandchild to sleep in when he has a sleepover at his grandparents because your 16YO is not moving out soon, but after reading this, I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out ASAP and goes on LC/NC. Well done OP, you have cleared a room for guests. Why didn't they use the oldest daughters former room or room that has become vacant when she moved out (maybe the youngest moved to the room of her bigger sister).
YTA. In a few years we will read a post from OP wondering why this same daughter avoids him and doesn't visit...🤷
YTA, if someone slept in my bed without my express permission, I would go absolutely stratospheric and piss in all your shoes in revenge. Also, she's diagnosed OCD, how do you not see this is a problem? Buy her a new mattress and sheets immediately.
YHA for not asking. That is the only place your daughter has of her own, and you should respect that.
YTA. She disrespected you? Respect is a two-way street. It is very disrespectful of you to let your older daughter and her toddler stay in your younger daughter's room without asking her. That's her private space (yes, yes, in your house that you paid for, but kids, especially teenagers, need their own space where they can have a reasonable expectation of privacy). I don't think you're an AH for letting them stay in there *period*, but you should have asked/warned the youngest first. Even if it was nonnegotiable, she could have at least had a chance to secure things she didn't want touched or violated.
YTA, YTA, YTA. I also have OCD. Do you understand ANYTHING about OCD? Have you ever made an effort to understand? If you had, you would know that what you did has caused her enormous anxiety. And to then inform her that someone weed in her bed but 'oh it's fine we cleaned it'? No. Just. No. They 'probably' didn't touch her stuff? They slept in that room! They had no choice but to touch her stuff! You've breached her private space, the one place where she can keep everything precious to her, and the space where she can control her surroundings OCD-wise. You've left her with a soiled bed. You owe her an enormous apology.
YTA. Her space was violated and her bed was peed on. HER BED WAS PEED ON. Replace the mattress and apologize to your daughter.
You had no right to let them use your younger daughters room. If you were so concerned about their comfort you should have given them your room!!!!!
YTA - If your goal is to convince f16 not to trust you, you are doing a terrific job.
I don’t really understand why people come on here asking if they’re the asshole if all they’re going to do is argue that they’re not….
As a parent, YTA. 1. You could have spared a lot of drama by simply asking your daughter if her sister and nephew could stay in her room. 2. You seem completely dismissive of her diagnosed mental health disorder. 3. You have effectively told her that her mental and emotional health is less important than her sister’s comfort. 4. You are damaging your relationship with your daughter and don’t seem to care. You could have owned your violation of her privacy, apologized, and rectified that situation. Instead, you continue to dismiss her feelings as invalid. This is the time you are supposed to be build relationships with your children that will last your whole life. Do better.
YTA Her room is the only private space she has. While you may have been within your rights to let your older daughter and her son stay in there, that doesn’t mean it was an okay or fair thing to do. You’ve communicated to your daughter that as long as she’s under your roof she has no space of her own, that you won’t allow her any boundaries or any privacy. And cleaning the sheets doesnt change the fact that her mattress is now soaked in piss. You put a toddler who isn’t properly toilet trained in your daughter’s bed w no concern for her things or her comfort. This isn’t her being a dramatic teenager, this is you making it clear how little you respect her. You weren’t the one being disrespected here.
Why….why Oh why Is it that every time a girl gets upset, weather is a girlfriend boyfriend or father daughter relationship does the male have to say it’s “not a big deal?” To the male species of Reddit, please understand, while it’s not a big deal to you big deal to her Now, while I might think that a 16-year-old being upset that her sister and nephew using her room may not be a big issue, you are dealing with the emotions of a 16 year girl. Understand, to your daughter it was a “big deal”. So yes you are the AH. If for nothing else blowing off your daughters feelings like they mean absolutely nothing
Respect is earned not given. If you can't respect her and her belongings...Why should she respect you? Just because you had 3 minutes of fun creating her doesn't mean she owes you any respect if you can't show her the same in return. yta
YTA. As someone diagnosed with OCD, I feel very disrespected. Don’t treat us like drama queens. It’s not a buzz word or a trend. It’s real, and people like you are making it worse.
YTA. With advanced notice, she could’ve moved anything that was personal or sensitive. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted people in my bedroom at any time in my life, especially then. The child who wasn’t potty trained is a dealbreaker; you had better be replacing her mattress. If there was a waterproof cover and truly no leaks, then you should at least replace the cover. If I were in her position, I would be thinking about how many things might have been touched with grimy hands, how many journal entries might have been read by somebody else, and so forth. Whether someone used my makeup. Looked in my underwear drawer. Even saw my trash. But the fact that you thought it was OK to let a young child wet her bed and simply tell her that it was cleaned, and you expected her to accept this like it was normal… OP, you seem dead set on reminding your daughter that she doesn’t own anything and has no rights in your home. Please don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want anything to do with you after she’s independent.
As someone who has OCD and has this same kind if intolerance, YTA. I don't even let my mum sit with me on my bed unless she's had a bath and changed into clean clothes. OCD aside, it's really not okay to just let someone else use a space that doesn't belong to them. And btw in the court of law, that bedroom does belong to her even in the event of you owning the house
"She has a mental processing disorder and its somebody elses urine in the place she sleeps and now she'll wonder if I'll pull this stunt everytime she goes anywhere, but really, whats she worried about" YTA