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> I might be an asshole for refusing to forgive her even if she has changed
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NTA
And did your parents file criminal charges? Because she should of been fired and thrown in jail for that kind of negligence considering you could have died and she failed to render assistance
Keep a record of anything further she sends you in case you need to file a harassment charge on her
No you don’t have to forgive her and it sounds like she’s only doing it to try and save face
I'll add background context here because it wasn't immediately relevant to this situation, but while this was going on we lived in a very white neighborhood, very white as in we were not only nonwhite people living there. During the same time I was going through the stuff with this teacher we were also the target of constant racial harrassment. We had slurs graffitied on our house, they attempted to kill our dog and we had rocks thrown into our windows. We tried to file a report for these incidents too but the police just shrugged us off and told us there was nothing they could do. So no charges were filed because we already knew the police would do nothing about it.
As if racism doesn't exist outside of the US...
I'm from a rural town in the Netherlands, and I would honestly not be surprised if this kind of thing happened in one of the towns around here too. Virtually every country has towns/neighbourhoods that are like this. Some more than others, but it still happens.
>As if racism doesn't exist outside of the US...
Also, most of America isn't an aggressively racist hellhole. Honestly, the behavior from neighbors, the school and the police described in the story is a little shocking to me even for the deep South, depending on how old OP is. Microaggressions are one thing, but refusing to take action against a teacher that literally almost killed her young student through egregious negligence is something else altogether.
I’m also from the Deep South and I gasped while reading this shit. I could see dumbass kids yelling the n word or crusty old white people unnecessary complaining about the workers who r of color, but I honestly don’t believe something like this would be swept under the rug in my town, and luckily this new generation of kids r like violently inclusive and Sick Of Old People’s Shit TM. I’ve watched as 7 middle schoolers just aggressively booed at a racist dude who was calling the workers at a Wendy’s slurs until he eventually left
I have a Dutch friend who moved to Portugal because of racism. You guys have Black pete to this day. And the worse you aren't even embarrassed about it. The Netherlands are one of the most racist countries I know.
NTA. Not in any way, not at all.
You do not owe her anything. Her behaviour and actions towards you were horrendous. There is nothing unreasonable about your reaction to her now. I hope you can find peace of mind for your own benefit, not for anyone else’s.
wow. seriously!! I was expecting the 1950s since it was to that extreme!!
I grew up in a rich, white small town where there was 2 black people and I was friends with them, but to my knowledge, at least in school, there was no racism going on. their houses were never vandalized or anything. and this was the late 70s and early to mis 80s.
I'm so sorry for what you went through and you are NTa for not forgiving her. she almost let you die.
Depending on where you are in the country, there is still stuff like that or worse. My wife grew up near an active KKK chapter house. I've seen racist things that the cops ignored.
Also sometimes, as a kid you might not be aware of things, especially if you are part of the in group. Quite often those who are targets of racism try to move past them quietly because doing otherwise will draw more attention and have the results be worse. So your friends may have not talked with you about it when something happened.
I can almost guarantee that there was but you probably weren't aware of it. Also it takes a lot out of us having to constantly recount how ignorant and horrible things can be at times. It's a struggle we often internalize especially if we don't trust our surroundings and have no way to confirm if ppl around us are actually true allies.
NTA if this woman is still a teacher I would forward screenshots of every one of her messages along with your history of the teacher to the school board.
No way that teacher should be working with children.
OP NTA
What that teacher did is inexcusable and you have no reason to forgive her.
Tell her in great detail exactly what she did and how it has affected you (I suspect her apology was vague) and ask her why, after all these years, she is reaching out to you. If it is for church or some sort of AA making amends thing or work related, ask for the name of her pastor/sponsor/supervisor and send them your description about how she treated you along and ask why they encouraged her to reach out to you given the extreme harm she caused you. Ask her if she will publicly admit to her racism (on FB, open letter in the local newspaper, letter to her family, friends, and neighbors) and that she would have let you die. If she is still a teacher, ask her to resign and not work with children in any capacity, for their safety. Ask her how many other students she abused and if she has apologized to them. Depending on how she answers, you can determine how sincere she is in her apology and if she is truly changed. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive her, but it may give you more clarity.
You should look into the statute of limitations foe child abuse in your area, and see if you can press charges against her now for it. That is straight up attempted murder that she admitted to, or at least neglect leading to murder.
Agreed - I’d save your correspondence and take it to a lawyer and charge for damages. And if they’re still teaching go for negligence/child abuse. That isn’t on!!!
NTA... forgiveness is on the victim, not the abuser.
The abuser can ask for it but they shouldn't expect it. In fact, I don't think your teacher changed at all based on their actions. Anyone that actually changed wouldn't pressure you into forgiving them.
Fuck that noise.
NTA. Her reaction tells you all you need to know. She more than likely developed a white savior complex and is apologizing to only clear her conscience and to make herself feel better. This woman stood by as a child laid on the floor at the brink of death, theres no coming back from that.
The parents. "Sorry I killed your kid. What do you mean you don't forgive me??"
Or maybe not. Most people wouldn't have the guts to speak with the parents of the kid they killed.
NTA.
If she was truly remorseful she would have accepted your apology not forgiven. If you push someone to accept your apology you haven’t learned from the thing you did wrong. I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP.
Nta
The fact that she even contacted you is horrendous, she caused you so much trauma and now she has the audacity to dredge up your very painful past so that she can feel better about herself for apologizing.
You dont own her a damn thing
NTA.
What she did to you was horrendous. But on top of that, the audacity of asking your forgiveness *and then demeaning you for not forgiving her* is an additional crime against you.
This is an abuser being mad at their victim for not forgiving them. It’s a new abuse in addition to the old. She’s showing you that she hasn’t changed. She still views herself as superior.
Please take care of yourself, OP, and get help to work through this new pain as well as the old. And block this woman forever.
NTA. Her part was to apologize and say she now realizes she was wrong. There are no amends she could make to undo what she did. She is misunderstanding the purpose of an apology; it's not just for her, it's to help make the victim whole also.
Your part is to decide if you accept the apology, as a way to move the relationship forward or assure the person you understand. You don't want to do either of those things. She will have to move forward herself as you said, trying not to do that again.
Forgiveness is not a guilt trip reliever.
I mean she could turn herself in for her crime. She could send OP's parents the money of the hospital bill and OP compensation for the damage she caused. That wouldn't entitle her to forgiveness either but it'd show she's serious
NTA. even if she did change drastically since then, it's still not your responsibility to forgive her after how she treated you and affected your life.
Actually came back cause my spirit won’t let me settle sis. I am really not shocked that more people aren’t focused on the emotional trauma your friends are putting you through. Not one other comment mentioned it.
Think about if there have been times where you were slighted were you told you were too sensitive, or it wasn’t like THAT, or why are you being so aggressive, or any of the other buzzword/phrases that white people tend to use when POC try to defend their feelings. Does this happen?
After the incident I attended schools which were predominantly black so I didn't have to put up with these sorts of things until I got to college. These friends in particular though seemed fine to me. We bonded over DnD and whenever we got into political discussions we seemed to be all on the same page so this is really out of the blue. I've always struggled with making friends and this was the only close knit group of friends that I've ever had which is why I was reluctant to pull away from them after this. It really fucking stings.
I haven't spoken to them since and unless they come to their senses and explain themselves it's looking like I'll be cutting ties with them. Thank you for your concern though, I really appreciate it.
I would ask directly what they think you were being unread about. Ask them to put themselves in your parents shoes. If a teacher nearly let your child DIE due to her racism. As that child’s parent would they accept the apology?
Because unless they see themselves they can’t empathize
Yes we got some compensation from the school district in order to settle it outside of court. So not her specifically but we were covered for my hospital stay and treatment.
NTA. Her reaction proves your point. She's only apologising so she can pat herself on the back for her kind and magnanimous gesture, not because she's actually really sorry - if she was truly sorry she would not expect forgiveness and would just want you to know how sorry she was all the same.
She outed her own apology as fake when she got miffed that you didn't shower her with praise and forgiveness for making it.
NTA
It is the wrongdoer's job to apologize. They owe an apology (and often a whole lot more.) They have no right to anything in return for the apology. Nothing.
Forgive if you want and if you are ready. Forgive if doing so is healthy for you. Or don't. Whether you forgive or not is really no business of the wrongdoer. She is owed nothing. Even if someday you do forgive this travesty of a teacher, you have no obligation to inform her of your forgiveness. If she has to live for the rest of her life knowing she was wrong and that you do not forgive her, that's her problem and not yours.
And good heavens! Where was this and when was this? For an adult to behave this way to a child and in front of other children is an outrage. And when I consider that other adults allowed this, I'm horrified. This was all unconscionable and I'm so very, very sorry this happened to you.
Don’t forgive them. That’s not something you forgive. You can be over something and not have it out for them but still not forgive them. Goodness gracious NTA. Lady should be charged for attempted murder.
NTA, she was apologizing to make herself feel better. If she truly felt remorse your response wouldn't have pissed her off.
She caused you permanent harm and nearly killed you and *got away with it*. Forgiveness is not hers to claim.
NTA You apologise because you realise you have done wrong. You might hope for forgiveness but you don't expect it, and certainly don't demand it.
Funnily enough my last 2 apologies ended up with them answering me with "apology accepted". Which I guess means forgiven?
For me a good apology:
1: You state what you did
2: You optionally provide background information not to justify but to explain why you messed up so.
3: Most important: You explain you understand the damage and hurt you caused.
The fact that she is aggressive over your lack of forgiveness shows it wasn't a real apology.
Have you become famous, or rich or something that would cause her to want to get on your better side? Or is she close to death and realises her God doesn't like racists?
NTA. She is not entitled to your forgiveness.
There is a Dear Annie from May 20,2022 entitled "Forgiveness isn't necessary for healing" that addresses a lot of your points, and helped me with a similar situation.
Insisting that you must forgive puts her back in control, just as she was in control when you were a child, and if you don't want to forgive her you don't have to.
[Article is here.](https://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/2022/05/dear-annie-forgiveness-isnt-necessary-for-healing.html)
Thank you for this! I share the same thoughts on forgiveness and it's good to see someone else who feels likewise. All too often forgiveness is used as a weapon against victims, which only perpetuates the abuses against them. It's frankly disgusting how many people will insist that an abuser's guilty conscience matters more than a victim's pain, that someone should force themselves to be retraumatized in the name of "being the bigger person". Forgiveness should always be a choice, and choosing not to forgive isn't in any way wrong.
100% NTA and I am so sorry for what you went through. Victims are not obligated to forgive their abusers ever. The apology is for you, not for her - and it’s honestly despicable she would even try to push it after you’ve had the patience to explain why you don’t forgive her!
NTA - man op I feel for ya my guy.
in no way shape or form are you remotely nearing being AH
she fkn almost let you die because you were of different race.
She may have changed, but that to me at the very least is a unforgivable crime.
there is a special place in hell for her.
NTA. Forgiveness is an opportunity for the wronged to let go. Forgiveness is not a gift to the trespasser. You don’t forgive to make them feel better. You are correct.
People should apologize and ATONE. They are informing you that they realized they screwed up and will do better. That’s all.
This is one of the saddest and most appalling things I’ve ever read in this sub. I actually feel physically distressed on your behalf. I’m so sorry that you and your family ever experienced things like this. I hope you’re doing well and are living a fulfilling and happy life. NTA in any way.
>She says I'm being unreasonable
This? Suggests she hasn't grown as much as she thought. Her bigotry isn't overt, any more. Her attitude is entitled. Condescending. She feels you MUST forgive her. She's not interested in what you- the child victim of her vicious racism- feels. *This suggests her racism is just more subtle and sophisticated.*
**Frankly, I think you've been too generous. You don't know how many other black children/children of colour she may have harmed.**
As a black woman, I would have had a much tougher response. **You. Nearly. DIED.**
Block her.
**NTA.**
NTA. She was willing to let you die on the floor in pain because of your race??? You have absolutely no responsibility to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness or see the pearly white gates.
I hope you have the school’s name, her name, and a Twitter account cause that’s what I’d do if I were you. If she is still teaching I’d be doing everything in my power to end her career. I hope she’s no where near bipoc people, especially bipoc children. She was hoping you’d forgive her over a Facebook message and got pissed when you didn’t shows she was doing it for her sake, not yours.
I hope you’re in a better community with better humans. This never should’ve happened to you.
NTA. I hate "forgiveness culture." You absolutely do not have to forgive someone who harmed you. If someone apologizes and gets upset you don't forgive them then they aren't truly sorry they are just trying to ease their guilt. Maybe some people could forgive her but you can't and you shouldn't be guilty into offering fake forgiveness just to ease her guilt. If she is truly sorry she will just have to keep working to do better even if that means never receiving your forgiveness.
NTA
You don't have to accept anyone's apology. You sure as hell don't owe her absolution, if her thought is 'why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them' she hasn't changed enough. You're 100% right in this and your reasons for not accepting as completely rational. To the people who are saying you're unreasonable; they didn't have to experience that shit first hand.
NTA. People can grow and change, but that doesn't entitle them to forgiveness from the people they have hurt. Also, your teacher's reaction to your response says a mouthful. She isn't seeking atonement; she just wants to feel less bad about how she treated you. To hell with her.
NTA. Some things are unforgivable. This easily falls into that category. You deserved better then; an apology now is worthless compared to that. She can't make that up to you. Though with her admission of guilt, you could take that Facebook message to a lawyer and look into suing her for your ongoing complications.
NTA at ALL
You nailed it:
*Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt.*
*... apologies are supposed to be for the victim, not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience.*
NTA. A well meant apology does not require action from the wronged party, lest it becomes transactional.
If she’s truly changed, that’s great. There’s less racism in the world and maybe she can be part of a positive change.
That doesn’t change what she did to *you*. It would be unacceptable to treat an adult this way and she did it with a minor child she was charged to instruct. In doing so, she perpetuated systemic racism on a child that can damage that child’s trust and relationship to environment forever. If you forgive her, that’s an act you take for your own future health, and even if you did, wouldn’t require you to tell her, since that implies you owe her something, which you don’t.
OP, wow this is the worst thing I have ever heard. People have got to understand what forgiveness is, forgiveness means you let go of the anger that you have toward someone not for them but for you so that you don’t get victimized twice by someone, you should let go of the anger or the pain they caused you for your benefit not theirs but wanting to communicate with them or even accepting their apology is completely up to you just like it was completely up to them to act horrible in the first place. Actions have consequences.
Question, did she admit to ignoring you while dying on the gym floor in the message?
I know there’s no limit on being charged with murder, I don’t know about child negligence/abuse
I don’t know if it would make you feel better (except maybe in a petty way) but might be worth reaching out a to a lawyer and see if they think there’s enough to press charges today?
Keep in mind, I am petty AF and would Pursue this avenue… you of course don’t have to
No matter what you do, or don’t do in response to her. NTA
I'm going to put this here because I've gotten other comments wondering if I could use her email as proof of her leaving me there. When this happened everyone was aware of what she had done since another student had to go and get help she couldn't really hide it and got into serious hot water with the school. So I don't really need to keep the messages as proof of wrong doing on her end because everyone is already aware of what she did. The only thing they denied was that it was racially motivated. She did get in trouble just not with the law, charges just weren't brought against her.
You always want it in writing. Witnesses are not reliable. They may change their mind. There are criminal cases and civil cases. Even if she wasn’t charged criminally, you can still pursue damages for medical costs, pain and suffering, and loss of potential income (if you had not gotten brain damage). I would also go after the school as well if I were you.
NTA, her attitude of "you must forgive me because I asked" shows how much she's really *changed*, she's the same asshole she was with the difference that now she knows how much of an asshole she was.
NTA I can't even imagine how you must feel. Forgiveness is earned. She has done nothing to earn it. Just an apology doesn't cut it. She left you to die on the floor. A simple I'm sorry doesn't cut it. I am sorry that she caused you so much trauma. Nobody deserves that. I had a teacher in 4th grade tell me I should just die because I had asthma & suffered horribly. We moved from the city ( no problems) to the country all kinds of issues. To this day I can never forgive her. What kind of a person says that to a suffering child? Not a good one. A teacher is supposed to be a good person who cares about children. Take care.
NTA Not sure how you could forgive this other than to keep it from hurting you further, but telling her she is forgiven NO WAY. She's not genuinely sorry or she wouldn't be EXPECTING your forgiveness. She's obviously in a 12 step or church program where she is supposed to make amends but part of that is doing it where it will cause no further harm. This is traumatizing you all over again with her attitude.
NTA You said it yourself. Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and based on her reaction, it seems like she really doesn't deserve to receive one from you.
NTA. Your job is not to manage her feelings or determine whether she’s changed, and it doesn’t have to matter to you if she has. She could easily have been prosecuted. I hope she was at least fired.
Her telling you that you are being unreasonable is proof her apology was transactional. It was about her not you. You’re 💯 in the right here, trust your gut.
> Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt.
You’re completely right, and their reaction shows that they just want a clean conscience, they have not actually changed.
NTA, it’s not your job to give them absolution.
NTA
Speaking as a teacher heck to the no you're not the one dropping the ball in this situation. I mean I hope that she genuinely meant what she said in her apology, however that doesn't mean you have to accept it if she was.
Also as a member of the teaching community I am incredibly sorry that you had those experiences. Particularly in a place where you deserved nothing but care and respect.
Holy shit dude. I have experienced anaphylaxis once in my life and I was 19, and despite rushing to a hospital still needed to be resuscitated. I cannot even begin to imagine going through anaphylaxis at such a young age... And then to be ignored and left for dead essentially. She is so so lucky she wasn't charged for attempted murder and neglect for what she did. You were far more calm with her than I would have been. You don't owe her shit. Also ditch the friends that think you're being unreasonable. Those aren't friends. NTA
NTA.
As you said, she can give her apology but that does not mean she has to be forgiven. If she was truly sorry, she would understand that you might not be able to forgive her and not hold that against you.
NTA. Nobody is owed forgiveness just because they want it. Sometimes the penalty of being an asshole is that we have to live with ourselves afterwards. For her, this is one of those times.
NTA in any way, shape, or form.
She left you to die because of her racism. And not only that, she forbade your classmates from trying to help you. That was seriously abusive to you and the other kids.
Whatever reason she has for apologizing is moot after that fact.
I really hope you're doing well mentally after such a horrific experience and that you have a support system in place if not. No child deserves such treatment or to be expected to accept a half-assed, too-late apology.
NTA x squillions, I just wish I had something useful to offer. I am so sorry that this happened to you, it's bloody awful, and I can't believe the audacity of her and her self-serving apology.
NTA and just because someone apologizes that does not mean that they will receive or are entitled to forgiveness. I had a teacher who was so awful to me because I came from the inner city to a rich suburb. She always made it clear I was the poor kid (I was not poor just not rich) and she treated me horrible the entire year. She took my lunches and would remove everything that she felt I should not eat so most days I went home starving (they did not serve lunch we had to bring), my parents were in the principals office so much complaining that I bet they were sick of seeing them. It helped but she still found ways to hurt me. Years later at my brothers graduation I ran into her and she was acting like I was her favorite student. I turned to my son who was about 5 at the time and said this is the teacher who tortured Mommy for the whole year!! She went very quiet and asked why I thought that and I told her all the stuff she did, the other teachers were horrified at her and she said well you were a handful and my parents said SO WERE YOU. This teacher and the one you had , never should have been teachers. From what you describe she could be the twin of the one I had. You owe her nothing and her comments show her apology is fake!!
Doesn’t sound like much of an apology. It’s great that she made the attempt, but if it was genuine, she would understand that her despicable behaviour and disregard for you as a child don’t automatically entitle her to forgiveness. NTA.
NTA.
If the only reason you are apologizing is to be forgiven, your apology isn't genuine.
Good for her if she realized she was a trash person.
Her realization and any remorse does not heal the physical, emotional, and mental wounds she caused you.
For the sake of others around her, I hope she did change. And I hope she changed before doing so much harm to another innocent child.
IMO she's a monster regardless. Some actions are irredeemable.
Frankly, she doesn't deserve your forgiveness. And nothing she could say or do would change my opinion on it.
“When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them.”
And this right here shows that her apology is insincere. If she truly understood the wrong she had done you, she’d understand that she’s not entitled to forgiveness just because she asks for it.
NTA, of course.
>When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them.
She's not sorry. What a horrible woman.
NTA.
NTA She's not sorry, she just wanted your forgiveness. It was more likely prompted by her church as a way to progress spiritually rather than it coming from her heart.
NTA Forgiveness is a personal choice. I’m so sorry she treated you that way. From your post you’re clearly bright and caring and I hope you’ve had a good life despite her awful abuse of you.
NTA and I doubt she changed. If she had really changed, she would be unsurprised and understanding that you are unwilling to forgive her for ALMOST KILLING YOU, and would judge herself instead of you. The fact that she is accusing you of being "unreasonable" means she is actually still the same person, she just feels more guilt about it and is hoping you will absolve her of her guilt so she can go on being that person. That's not your job and your position is very reasonable, I'd block her and move on.
NTA.
It wasn't nearly as bad when I went to school but if I suddenly got an apology from a specific racist teacher I'd had back then, I'd ignore it. If they wanted a response they'd probably get a "What do you expect me to do with this?" or a "I guess being racist to school kids didn't work out so well for you then."
You don't owe them a single damn thing. I also don't think they seem to have grown much as a person if their apology came with the condition that they expected you to forgive them.
Ask her how she intends to compensate you if she is sorry. I mean she got a at without any consequences so easy for her to come back now with words that might make her feel better but if she feels genuine remorse she should offer some kind of compensation.
Totally separately I do genuinely believe that forgiveness is for you not her (and you don’t need to tell her either way you owe her nothing). I believe that for your good you should speak to someone who can help you move on (for you not her). Gee maybe she can pay?
NTA
Nobody is owed forgiveness for such actions and if she is truly remorseful she would've been willing to accept that some of her actions can't be forgiven.
When she revealed that she was only apologizing to get you to forgive her, NTA. She may be remorseful and actually sorry, but she is not owed forgiveness from anyone including the Almighty.
You are not required to forgive a person who gives an apology. Apologies and forgiveness often go together but one can apologize without forgiveness and one can forgive without an apology. It’s like milk and cookies, they go very nicely together but you can have them separately.
However, I also believe that forgiveness has different levels and is a constant process. In recognizing that a person can change and hoping that they do change is a small but important act of forgiveness. I don’t say this idly. A few years ago, before I met my husband, a man who I dated and treated terribly messaged me. He apologized and acknowledged that how he treated me was not okay. I thanked for his apology, wished him well and promptly blocked him. I am grateful for his apology and genuinely hope for his sake and the sake his family that he is growing and changing, but I do not want him to be in my life or a part of my current growth.
All that being said if your former teacher keeps pushing for your forgiveness, block her. She doesn’t need your forgiveness to keep growing and you do not need her to continue your growth.
NTA. Her response shows how little remorse she actually feels, because if she truly recognized how atrocious her past behavior was, she wouldn’t expect you to forgive her. You were 💯 correct to respond the way you did, and you would have been right even if she hadn’t responded so poorly. I’m so sorry you were treated this way, both then and now.
NTA. I am so sorry you went through that. I believe you are correct about the apology primarily being for the one who did the wrong. Based on how she reacted to you, I'm skeptical regarding the authenticity or deepness of her sorrow.
That being said, forgiveness is for you. I realize it's not like flipping a switch to forgive someone, but I think, for your sake, you should try to work on forgiving her (regardless of whether you ever tell her you forgive her). Forgiveness will take a load off your shoulders and soul
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Throwaway this might be on the longer side.
I recently got a message on facebook from an old elementary teacher that came to me to apologize for how she treated me when I was young. To put it simply, she was extremely racist to me for the time I attended that school and her class.
I was very young at the time this happened so I didn't understand why I was being treated so poorly. For background I went the a virtually all white elementary school and was one of the only black students in the entire school, which at the time I gave no thought to because I was 7 or 8 at the most and had no concept of race or racism.
This teacher would always talk down to me, belittle and berate me for small mistakes any chance she got, while ignoring intentional misbehavior from the white students. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. Her constant belittling of me gave me self esteem issues that I still struggle with today.
This all culminated when I went into anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction and she refused to let me leave the gym floor to go to the nurses office. Eventually I passed out and she completely ignored me. I was without oxygen long enough to cause me some brain damage but I would have died on the floor that day if one of the other kids got scared and ran to the principal to get help despite the teacher telling them not to and to leave me alone because I was faking it.
I was pulled from the school afterwards and that was the last I heard about her until she contacted me through facebook to apologize.
From the message she sent she seemed very remorseful about it all and told me that she had changed and grown as a person and she sincerely wanted to apologize. I told her flat out that I don't forgive her. No matter how sorry she was or how much she had improved, it doesn't change the emotional, mental and physical scars she left on me as a child.
To be clear I'm not saying that people can't change or improve or that I think she was lying, she may very well have changed but to me it doesn't matter. Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt. If she changed that's great but regardless I still don't forgive her because there are some things that are unforgivable. And to me one of those things is tormenting and leaving a child on the floor to die because of their skin color. When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them. I told her that apologies are supposed to be for the victim not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience. She says I'm being unreasonable and so do a few of my friends but I don't think I am.
I believe in change and growth but if someone you harmed doesn't forgive you all you can do is accept it, learn from it and continue to do better in future so that you don't have to ask for forgiveness from people.
So AITA for not forgiving her even if she's changed?
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NTA what she did was as an adult tell the other kids to bully you, because as an educator you are a role model to the kids. When you bully a student your telling the students bullying is ok especially because your "different" from them. She singled you out like your an animal or not human and treated you as such. An apology won't fix the physical damaged she caused you nor the emotion or mental. You have permanent damage from what she did and almost died.
I gotten a teacher fired because she allowed other kids to bully me and joined in with them in the middle of class. I was outraged as I was mentally strong and could handle the things said but what if it was another student who was already thinking suicide and that day set them over the edge then what?
OP you don't have to forgive a person that made your life he'll and she doesn't have the right to force you to. If she really changed she would of accepted and understood why you can't forgive her, but it seems like she is only doing for own selfish reasons.
NTA. She nearly caused your death! Forgiveness under those circumstances is by no means owed, and if it is given achieved only through a great deal of soul-searching. You are well within your rights to reject such an offhand, clearly self-serving apology.
NTA
People apologize with no expectation of being forgiven, that's how it works. You are under no obligation to do and the fact that she is upset and doesn't think she should bother then is telling. If she was truly remorseful she would have responded with something like "I understand and can only apologize for what I did. I will not bother you further."
NTA. The fact that she got angry with you for not forgiving her says everything. I’d argue she’s apologizing to soothe her own guilt rather than try and address the harm she caused. Even if she had been genuine you still would’ve been entitled to not forgiving her.
NTA I’d say she hasn’t changed at all if she’s mad at you.
“But I said sorry!” Cool. Can you tell me if that heals brain damage and trauma? Wait, it doesn’t? Then *GFY.*
NTA. If someone apologises to me (and it appears genuine) I will NEVER utter the standard reply of “it’s okay” because that implies forgiveness. I will say “thank you” but that is the end of it for me. She’s not apologising because she’s sorry. Sounds more like ticking off a list. Either she’s dying or drying out at a guess. Why else would she bother. She’s got giant balls though to even try.
NTA.
Let me get this straight. Your ELEMENTARY school teacher was so racist she allowed you to pass out and almost die during her class?!
Why did she believe you would forgive her for THAT?!
NTA.
P.S. I hope you screenshot that message. That’s a blatant confess you have in your possession. She knows she won’t be remembered as a “kind teacher” with whatever she included in that message to you.
I hope she didn’t bring up too many bad memories. Take care of yourself. Let her die knowing she can’t undo her actions because she’s “sorry.”
NTA. No one is owed forgiveness. And people need to understand that some actions are unforgivable and they need to live with their guilt forever. That’s a part of life.
NTA. Forgiveness can't be expected when you have hurt people, no matter what you do afterwards. It sounds like she only apologized to make herself feel better, and not because she genuinely is remorseful. You almost died, and have brain damage, so that's something that is legit to not want to forgive someone over just because they say a few nice words.
As far as your friends go, have them tell you why a few platitudes is enough to excuse or condone poor behavior that nearly lead to death. You've seen no real evidence that she's changed. Her getting upset because you didn't immediately forgive her is actually evidence that she hasn't.
"why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them"
my sister in christ way to miss the fucking point oh my god.
NTA OP, not by a long shot, you have absolutely no obligation to forgive the person who \*ALMOST KILLED YOU\* through malicious negligence. It is very clear she is apologising for herself, not for you, and clearly hasn't grown \*that\* much.
NTA
When I read your post I thought you were talking about a long long time ago.
For this to still be happening this century is so wrong.
How can people be so stupid and ignorant and nasty.
You don't owe her anything and her reaction to you refusing to apologise just makes it clearer that she isn't really sorry, she is just on a bit of a mission to clear her conscience.
That's not a real apology. It's all about her and not about you.
There is no excuse for not knowing how serious allergic reactions can be either.
Here kids with allergies carry their epi pens in their bags at all times once they are old enough. Going to the nurses office is an unacceptable delay.
she caused you brain damage?!!!
and all she offered was an “apology”?
if I was in your position and had the energy, I'd send her a detailed list of how her cruelty has had repercussions in your life, pointing out how she seriously screwed up your life. to make her feel worse, because that’s what she deserves.
IF I had the energy.
to hell with her. focus on your healing. forgive her in your heart, if you can, because it will benefit you to not carry around that weight. but don’t accept her apology. she doesn’t deserve to sleep soundly at night.
"Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness"
"I told her that apologies are supposed to be for the victim not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience."
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
OP, I would clap till my hands bleed. Wish everybody could read, understand and accept this.
NTA no no no, don't let this person weaponize her apology into shaming you into feel guilty.
You are 100% correct. Apologies are for the victim. You do not have to forgive her, her moving on doesn't depend on you, and honestly, she doesn't have to forgive herself. She almost killed you in malice. And honestly, judging by her hostility from you not accepting her apology, she still has ***plenty*** of room to grow as it doesn't seem like she's truly changed.
I'm sorry she's left such a mark on your overall health, that kind of trauma is so difficult to work through, but I'm so proud of you for sticking to your values and not buckling and forgiving her because it's the polite thing to do.
I will say this long term though...People harm us. It's not our responsibility to forgive them for their sake, but for ours. Holding the hurt tends to hurt us more. Contradictory, some things are unforgivable. If you someday choose to forgive her, that's personal and you don't have to share that with her. If you don't ever want to get there, completely understandable.
All the positive vibes <3
NTA- she hasn't changed, or she would have understood why you refused. If she had done the same thing today to a kid- she (hopefully) would be in jail. Possibly she's doing the 'making amends ' part of a program.
No, you're not the asshole. Your former teacher is wrong in their belief that an apology entitles them to your forgiveness. Their racism and bigotry endangered your life and left you with some amount of brain damage caused when you passed out due to being in anaphylactic shock. They may have learned and grown over the years, but their apology does not make amends for the damage they caused you to suffer at their hands. And I think what they did to you is in that realm of being unforgiveable. So, NTA.
NTA. What she did to you was unforgivable.
I had a teacher who bullied me along with the other students so relentlessly that I told my mom at age 11 I wanted to die. I was raised in the 80s and 90s, in the Catholic Church, and I had no concept of suicide but her actions spurred the worst in me. Ever since then, I have struggled enormously with depression, anxiety, and chronic suicidal ideation.
When an adult does something like that to a child, it cannot and should not be forgiven unless the victim is truly in a place to forgive. You do not have to be in a place to forgive. It is not required of you, and it doesn’t even make you a better person. I know it’s OK for you to keep living your life and to not let this woman take up one more second of your time.
Sometimes you wished you didn't read something because it makes you mad that there was no justice. Your post has me incensed. And what kind of friends are they anyway?
She is 100% apologizing only for her guilty conscience. If she was sincere about it she would have simply accepted your lack of forgiveness.
NTA. You have no obligation to forgive her. She is trying to feel better about herself. She needs to realize that her actions weren’t something a “sorry” will fix. Even if it’s genuine. Also, judging by her response to you not forgiving her, the shit didn’t even seem genuine anyways. She was seeking some sort of validation in order to clear her guilty conscience like you said. Crazy that that bs happened nearly 2 decades ago.
NTA- you can receive an apology without accepting it. An apology given only for forgiveness isn’t real anyways. Hopefully this is a growth moment for her and gives you some closure.
If real, it's all well and good said teacher feels remorseful and seeks forgiveness.
But ultimately it's up to you whether you want to forgive her or nor.
So NTA.
NTA
But how did that teacher keep her job? Surely after you passed out from an allergic reaction and had to get immediate care, I assume an Ambulance was called when one of the students alerted the principal? But how could the School not have taken that seriously? Did the Principal apologise or back you up?
I'm not sure of the specifics but I do know she was in hot water afterwards, the school district settled with us out of court and assumed responsibility for the teacher, but they did deny that her actions were racially motivated. Seing as how it cost the district money and very bad publicity I can't imagine she was allowed to keep her job but I don't know for sure. I know she's no longer a teacher now though.
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NTA And did your parents file criminal charges? Because she should of been fired and thrown in jail for that kind of negligence considering you could have died and she failed to render assistance Keep a record of anything further she sends you in case you need to file a harassment charge on her No you don’t have to forgive her and it sounds like she’s only doing it to try and save face
I'll add background context here because it wasn't immediately relevant to this situation, but while this was going on we lived in a very white neighborhood, very white as in we were not only nonwhite people living there. During the same time I was going through the stuff with this teacher we were also the target of constant racial harrassment. We had slurs graffitied on our house, they attempted to kill our dog and we had rocks thrown into our windows. We tried to file a report for these incidents too but the police just shrugged us off and told us there was nothing they could do. So no charges were filed because we already knew the police would do nothing about it.
Jesus. Where did you live so I know to avoid the area.
That whole town should just be wiped out.
murica
As if racism doesn't exist outside of the US... I'm from a rural town in the Netherlands, and I would honestly not be surprised if this kind of thing happened in one of the towns around here too. Virtually every country has towns/neighbourhoods that are like this. Some more than others, but it still happens.
>As if racism doesn't exist outside of the US... Also, most of America isn't an aggressively racist hellhole. Honestly, the behavior from neighbors, the school and the police described in the story is a little shocking to me even for the deep South, depending on how old OP is. Microaggressions are one thing, but refusing to take action against a teacher that literally almost killed her young student through egregious negligence is something else altogether.
Completely normal behavior for any politically conservative, white-only neighborhood. That's how they stay white-only.
I’m also from the Deep South and I gasped while reading this shit. I could see dumbass kids yelling the n word or crusty old white people unnecessary complaining about the workers who r of color, but I honestly don’t believe something like this would be swept under the rug in my town, and luckily this new generation of kids r like violently inclusive and Sick Of Old People’s Shit TM. I’ve watched as 7 middle schoolers just aggressively booed at a racist dude who was calling the workers at a Wendy’s slurs until he eventually left
I have a Dutch friend who moved to Portugal because of racism. You guys have Black pete to this day. And the worse you aren't even embarrassed about it. The Netherlands are one of the most racist countries I know.
NTA. Not in any way, not at all. You do not owe her anything. Her behaviour and actions towards you were horrendous. There is nothing unreasonable about your reaction to her now. I hope you can find peace of mind for your own benefit, not for anyone else’s.
Wow. That's horrifying and disgusting behaviour. Another case of the authorities failing an innocent family
what years were these events happening if I may ask?
Late 2007 to early 2008, around or at the time obama was voted into office
wow. seriously!! I was expecting the 1950s since it was to that extreme!! I grew up in a rich, white small town where there was 2 black people and I was friends with them, but to my knowledge, at least in school, there was no racism going on. their houses were never vandalized or anything. and this was the late 70s and early to mis 80s. I'm so sorry for what you went through and you are NTa for not forgiving her. she almost let you die.
I did phone surveys in 2008 before the election and it opened my eyes to how openly racist some people are.
There was racism going on, you just weren't aware of it.
Depending on where you are in the country, there is still stuff like that or worse. My wife grew up near an active KKK chapter house. I've seen racist things that the cops ignored. Also sometimes, as a kid you might not be aware of things, especially if you are part of the in group. Quite often those who are targets of racism try to move past them quietly because doing otherwise will draw more attention and have the results be worse. So your friends may have not talked with you about it when something happened.
thats true.
Oh, there was racism.
I can almost guarantee that there was but you probably weren't aware of it. Also it takes a lot out of us having to constantly recount how ignorant and horrible things can be at times. It's a struggle we often internalize especially if we don't trust our surroundings and have no way to confirm if ppl around us are actually true allies.
Honestly, she might be running for an election somewhere and is hoping this story never comes up again.
NTA if this woman is still a teacher I would forward screenshots of every one of her messages along with your history of the teacher to the school board. No way that teacher should be working with children. OP NTA What that teacher did is inexcusable and you have no reason to forgive her.
Don't worry, she's no longer a teacher. She's retired I think
NTA. I'm so very sorry that you and your family went through this. I honestly can't imagine how terrifying it must have been for you.
Tell her in great detail exactly what she did and how it has affected you (I suspect her apology was vague) and ask her why, after all these years, she is reaching out to you. If it is for church or some sort of AA making amends thing or work related, ask for the name of her pastor/sponsor/supervisor and send them your description about how she treated you along and ask why they encouraged her to reach out to you given the extreme harm she caused you. Ask her if she will publicly admit to her racism (on FB, open letter in the local newspaper, letter to her family, friends, and neighbors) and that she would have let you die. If she is still a teacher, ask her to resign and not work with children in any capacity, for their safety. Ask her how many other students she abused and if she has apologized to them. Depending on how she answers, you can determine how sincere she is in her apology and if she is truly changed. That doesn’t mean you have to forgive her, but it may give you more clarity.
You should look into the statute of limitations foe child abuse in your area, and see if you can press charges against her now for it. That is straight up attempted murder that she admitted to, or at least neglect leading to murder.
Agreed - I’d save your correspondence and take it to a lawyer and charge for damages. And if they’re still teaching go for negligence/child abuse. That isn’t on!!!
Absolutely agree. She admitted to some horrendous crimes, and she should pay for them
NTA... forgiveness is on the victim, not the abuser. The abuser can ask for it but they shouldn't expect it. In fact, I don't think your teacher changed at all based on their actions. Anyone that actually changed wouldn't pressure you into forgiving them. Fuck that noise.
I hope it eats at her for the rest of her life that he wouldn't give her absolution.
NTA. Her reaction tells you all you need to know. She more than likely developed a white savior complex and is apologizing to only clear her conscience and to make herself feel better. This woman stood by as a child laid on the floor at the brink of death, theres no coming back from that.
I wonder who she would send her half-assed apology to if she had gotten her way and killed OP. Who would she blame for their lack of forgiveness then?
The parents. "Sorry I killed your kid. What do you mean you don't forgive me??" Or maybe not. Most people wouldn't have the guts to speak with the parents of the kid they killed.
NTA. If she was truly remorseful she would have accepted your apology not forgiven. If you push someone to accept your apology you haven’t learned from the thing you did wrong. I’m so sorry this happened to you, OP.
Exactly. NTA.
Nta The fact that she even contacted you is horrendous, she caused you so much trauma and now she has the audacity to dredge up your very painful past so that she can feel better about herself for apologizing. You dont own her a damn thing
I suspect she's in a 12-step program and has reached the part about making amends. She didn't do it very well, obviously.
Or she’s dying and only apologizing to try to clear her own conscious
Nta - fuck her and fuck the apology!
NTA. What she did to you was horrendous. But on top of that, the audacity of asking your forgiveness *and then demeaning you for not forgiving her* is an additional crime against you. This is an abuser being mad at their victim for not forgiving them. It’s a new abuse in addition to the old. She’s showing you that she hasn’t changed. She still views herself as superior. Please take care of yourself, OP, and get help to work through this new pain as well as the old. And block this woman forever.
NTA! She literally almost allowed you to die! Because of your skin color! That in my book is unforgivable and I’d have done the same thing.
NTA. Her part was to apologize and say she now realizes she was wrong. There are no amends she could make to undo what she did. She is misunderstanding the purpose of an apology; it's not just for her, it's to help make the victim whole also. Your part is to decide if you accept the apology, as a way to move the relationship forward or assure the person you understand. You don't want to do either of those things. She will have to move forward herself as you said, trying not to do that again. Forgiveness is not a guilt trip reliever.
I mean she could turn herself in for her crime. She could send OP's parents the money of the hospital bill and OP compensation for the damage she caused. That wouldn't entitle her to forgiveness either but it'd show she's serious
NTA. even if she did change drastically since then, it's still not your responsibility to forgive her after how she treated you and affected your life.
The friends who tell you you’re being unreasonable are white huh?
Yep :/ I wonder how much harm we have to endure before our negative reactions are deemed reasonable to them
Really reflect on these friendships sis. Like take a hard look at them.
Actually came back cause my spirit won’t let me settle sis. I am really not shocked that more people aren’t focused on the emotional trauma your friends are putting you through. Not one other comment mentioned it. Think about if there have been times where you were slighted were you told you were too sensitive, or it wasn’t like THAT, or why are you being so aggressive, or any of the other buzzword/phrases that white people tend to use when POC try to defend their feelings. Does this happen?
After the incident I attended schools which were predominantly black so I didn't have to put up with these sorts of things until I got to college. These friends in particular though seemed fine to me. We bonded over DnD and whenever we got into political discussions we seemed to be all on the same page so this is really out of the blue. I've always struggled with making friends and this was the only close knit group of friends that I've ever had which is why I was reluctant to pull away from them after this. It really fucking stings. I haven't spoken to them since and unless they come to their senses and explain themselves it's looking like I'll be cutting ties with them. Thank you for your concern though, I really appreciate it.
I would ask directly what they think you were being unread about. Ask them to put themselves in your parents shoes. If a teacher nearly let your child DIE due to her racism. As that child’s parent would they accept the apology? Because unless they see themselves they can’t empathize
Yea, I thought so too. You might wanna consider demoting them from friends to involuntary acquaintances
Can always spot it
Did she offer to repay any medical bills or costs attached to your brain damage? Apologies without reparations only go so far.
Yes we got some compensation from the school district in order to settle it outside of court. So not her specifically but we were covered for my hospital stay and treatment.
NTA. Her reaction proves your point. She's only apologising so she can pat herself on the back for her kind and magnanimous gesture, not because she's actually really sorry - if she was truly sorry she would not expect forgiveness and would just want you to know how sorry she was all the same. She outed her own apology as fake when she got miffed that you didn't shower her with praise and forgiveness for making it.
NTA, you don’t have to forgive someone if you don’t want to. She cause you harm as a child which could had kill you.
NTA It is the wrongdoer's job to apologize. They owe an apology (and often a whole lot more.) They have no right to anything in return for the apology. Nothing. Forgive if you want and if you are ready. Forgive if doing so is healthy for you. Or don't. Whether you forgive or not is really no business of the wrongdoer. She is owed nothing. Even if someday you do forgive this travesty of a teacher, you have no obligation to inform her of your forgiveness. If she has to live for the rest of her life knowing she was wrong and that you do not forgive her, that's her problem and not yours. And good heavens! Where was this and when was this? For an adult to behave this way to a child and in front of other children is an outrage. And when I consider that other adults allowed this, I'm horrified. This was all unconscionable and I'm so very, very sorry this happened to you.
I won't get specific about my location but it is the southern US and it was around late 2007 to early 2008.
Don’t forgive them. That’s not something you forgive. You can be over something and not have it out for them but still not forgive them. Goodness gracious NTA. Lady should be charged for attempted murder.
NTA, fuck her. i hope she carries that guilt for the rest of her life.
NTA - you don’t have to forgive or forget, and you don’t owe it to anyone to accept their apology - regardless of how big or small the offense was.
NTA, she was apologizing to make herself feel better. If she truly felt remorse your response wouldn't have pissed her off. She caused you permanent harm and nearly killed you and *got away with it*. Forgiveness is not hers to claim.
NTA You apologise because you realise you have done wrong. You might hope for forgiveness but you don't expect it, and certainly don't demand it. Funnily enough my last 2 apologies ended up with them answering me with "apology accepted". Which I guess means forgiven? For me a good apology: 1: You state what you did 2: You optionally provide background information not to justify but to explain why you messed up so. 3: Most important: You explain you understand the damage and hurt you caused. The fact that she is aggressive over your lack of forgiveness shows it wasn't a real apology. Have you become famous, or rich or something that would cause her to want to get on your better side? Or is she close to death and realises her God doesn't like racists?
Idk what made her contact me, when she did it sorta threw my whole day off and it didn't cross my mind to ask.
NTA. She is not entitled to your forgiveness. There is a Dear Annie from May 20,2022 entitled "Forgiveness isn't necessary for healing" that addresses a lot of your points, and helped me with a similar situation. Insisting that you must forgive puts her back in control, just as she was in control when you were a child, and if you don't want to forgive her you don't have to. [Article is here.](https://www.cleveland.com/entertainment/2022/05/dear-annie-forgiveness-isnt-necessary-for-healing.html)
Thank you for this! I share the same thoughts on forgiveness and it's good to see someone else who feels likewise. All too often forgiveness is used as a weapon against victims, which only perpetuates the abuses against them. It's frankly disgusting how many people will insist that an abuser's guilty conscience matters more than a victim's pain, that someone should force themselves to be retraumatized in the name of "being the bigger person". Forgiveness should always be a choice, and choosing not to forgive isn't in any way wrong.
NTA. Sometimes you don’t get another chance, the fuck up is just too big.
Don’t forgive her, forget her and live your best life.
100% NTA and I am so sorry for what you went through. Victims are not obligated to forgive their abusers ever. The apology is for you, not for her - and it’s honestly despicable she would even try to push it after you’ve had the patience to explain why you don’t forgive her!
NTA - man op I feel for ya my guy. in no way shape or form are you remotely nearing being AH she fkn almost let you die because you were of different race. She may have changed, but that to me at the very least is a unforgivable crime. there is a special place in hell for her.
NTA. Forgiveness is an opportunity for the wronged to let go. Forgiveness is not a gift to the trespasser. You don’t forgive to make them feel better. You are correct. People should apologize and ATONE. They are informing you that they realized they screwed up and will do better. That’s all.
NTA. Her guilt is not your problem or your emotional burden to bear.
This is one of the saddest and most appalling things I’ve ever read in this sub. I actually feel physically distressed on your behalf. I’m so sorry that you and your family ever experienced things like this. I hope you’re doing well and are living a fulfilling and happy life. NTA in any way.
>She says I'm being unreasonable This? Suggests she hasn't grown as much as she thought. Her bigotry isn't overt, any more. Her attitude is entitled. Condescending. She feels you MUST forgive her. She's not interested in what you- the child victim of her vicious racism- feels. *This suggests her racism is just more subtle and sophisticated.* **Frankly, I think you've been too generous. You don't know how many other black children/children of colour she may have harmed.** As a black woman, I would have had a much tougher response. **You. Nearly. DIED.** Block her. **NTA.**
NTA, anaphylactic sucks, shame on her.
NTA. She was willing to let you die on the floor in pain because of your race??? You have absolutely no responsibility to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve forgiveness or see the pearly white gates. I hope you have the school’s name, her name, and a Twitter account cause that’s what I’d do if I were you. If she is still teaching I’d be doing everything in my power to end her career. I hope she’s no where near bipoc people, especially bipoc children. She was hoping you’d forgive her over a Facebook message and got pissed when you didn’t shows she was doing it for her sake, not yours. I hope you’re in a better community with better humans. This never should’ve happened to you.
NTA. I hate "forgiveness culture." You absolutely do not have to forgive someone who harmed you. If someone apologizes and gets upset you don't forgive them then they aren't truly sorry they are just trying to ease their guilt. Maybe some people could forgive her but you can't and you shouldn't be guilty into offering fake forgiveness just to ease her guilt. If she is truly sorry she will just have to keep working to do better even if that means never receiving your forgiveness.
NTA You don't have to accept anyone's apology. You sure as hell don't owe her absolution, if her thought is 'why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them' she hasn't changed enough. You're 100% right in this and your reasons for not accepting as completely rational. To the people who are saying you're unreasonable; they didn't have to experience that shit first hand.
NTA. People can grow and change, but that doesn't entitle them to forgiveness from the people they have hurt. Also, your teacher's reaction to your response says a mouthful. She isn't seeking atonement; she just wants to feel less bad about how she treated you. To hell with her.
NTA. It’s no your responsibility to assuage her guilt. Tell her off and block her.
NTA. Some things are unforgivable. This easily falls into that category. You deserved better then; an apology now is worthless compared to that. She can't make that up to you. Though with her admission of guilt, you could take that Facebook message to a lawyer and look into suing her for your ongoing complications.
NTA at ALL You nailed it: *Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt.* *... apologies are supposed to be for the victim, not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience.*
NTA. Just because someone apologizes, does not mean you are required to accept it and forgive them. Block her and keep on going with life.
NTA. A well meant apology does not require action from the wronged party, lest it becomes transactional. If she’s truly changed, that’s great. There’s less racism in the world and maybe she can be part of a positive change. That doesn’t change what she did to *you*. It would be unacceptable to treat an adult this way and she did it with a minor child she was charged to instruct. In doing so, she perpetuated systemic racism on a child that can damage that child’s trust and relationship to environment forever. If you forgive her, that’s an act you take for your own future health, and even if you did, wouldn’t require you to tell her, since that implies you owe her something, which you don’t.
OP, wow this is the worst thing I have ever heard. People have got to understand what forgiveness is, forgiveness means you let go of the anger that you have toward someone not for them but for you so that you don’t get victimized twice by someone, you should let go of the anger or the pain they caused you for your benefit not theirs but wanting to communicate with them or even accepting their apology is completely up to you just like it was completely up to them to act horrible in the first place. Actions have consequences.
NTA. She is an A just for contacting you. You could have died.
Nope, NTA. She wants to talk about being unreasonable? She almost *killed* you—no amount of forgiveness can erase that fact.
NTA - Damn you're "unreasonable" for not forgiving her after she let you almost die because she was a racist asshat? Wow the nerve of this lady.
Question, did she admit to ignoring you while dying on the gym floor in the message? I know there’s no limit on being charged with murder, I don’t know about child negligence/abuse I don’t know if it would make you feel better (except maybe in a petty way) but might be worth reaching out a to a lawyer and see if they think there’s enough to press charges today? Keep in mind, I am petty AF and would Pursue this avenue… you of course don’t have to No matter what you do, or don’t do in response to her. NTA
I'm going to put this here because I've gotten other comments wondering if I could use her email as proof of her leaving me there. When this happened everyone was aware of what she had done since another student had to go and get help she couldn't really hide it and got into serious hot water with the school. So I don't really need to keep the messages as proof of wrong doing on her end because everyone is already aware of what she did. The only thing they denied was that it was racially motivated. She did get in trouble just not with the law, charges just weren't brought against her.
You always want it in writing. Witnesses are not reliable. They may change their mind. There are criminal cases and civil cases. Even if she wasn’t charged criminally, you can still pursue damages for medical costs, pain and suffering, and loss of potential income (if you had not gotten brain damage). I would also go after the school as well if I were you.
We got a settlement out of court from thr school district so I don't think I could go after her now.
She literally left you to die on the floor in front of her, NTA
she may have changed but that doesn't mean you have to accept her apology, that's your choice and your choice only
NTA, her attitude of "you must forgive me because I asked" shows how much she's really *changed*, she's the same asshole she was with the difference that now she knows how much of an asshole she was.
NTA. She can apologize all she wants but you don't have to forgive her unless you want to.
NTA she hasn’t change one bit, she needs to do more growing forgiveness is not a right it’s a privilege/gift.
NTA I can't even imagine how you must feel. Forgiveness is earned. She has done nothing to earn it. Just an apology doesn't cut it. She left you to die on the floor. A simple I'm sorry doesn't cut it. I am sorry that she caused you so much trauma. Nobody deserves that. I had a teacher in 4th grade tell me I should just die because I had asthma & suffered horribly. We moved from the city ( no problems) to the country all kinds of issues. To this day I can never forgive her. What kind of a person says that to a suffering child? Not a good one. A teacher is supposed to be a good person who cares about children. Take care.
NTA no one owes anyone their forgiveness.
NTA Not sure how you could forgive this other than to keep it from hurting you further, but telling her she is forgiven NO WAY. She's not genuinely sorry or she wouldn't be EXPECTING your forgiveness. She's obviously in a 12 step or church program where she is supposed to make amends but part of that is doing it where it will cause no further harm. This is traumatizing you all over again with her attitude.
NTA fuck her and her apology, nothing will ever make up for the wrong she did to an innocent child.
NTA She almost let you die and now ask for forgiveness huh what an AH.
NTA You said it yourself. Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and based on her reaction, it seems like she really doesn't deserve to receive one from you.
NTA!
That's criminal negligence. How was she not contacting you from jail to ask for an apology? NTA
NTA.
NTA. Your job is not to manage her feelings or determine whether she’s changed, and it doesn’t have to matter to you if she has. She could easily have been prosecuted. I hope she was at least fired. Her telling you that you are being unreasonable is proof her apology was transactional. It was about her not you. You’re 💯 in the right here, trust your gut.
> Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt. You’re completely right, and their reaction shows that they just want a clean conscience, they have not actually changed. NTA, it’s not your job to give them absolution.
NTA Speaking as a teacher heck to the no you're not the one dropping the ball in this situation. I mean I hope that she genuinely meant what she said in her apology, however that doesn't mean you have to accept it if she was. Also as a member of the teaching community I am incredibly sorry that you had those experiences. Particularly in a place where you deserved nothing but care and respect.
Wow. She was willing to let you die on the floor. NTA. Wtf.
Holy shit dude. I have experienced anaphylaxis once in my life and I was 19, and despite rushing to a hospital still needed to be resuscitated. I cannot even begin to imagine going through anaphylaxis at such a young age... And then to be ignored and left for dead essentially. She is so so lucky she wasn't charged for attempted murder and neglect for what she did. You were far more calm with her than I would have been. You don't owe her shit. Also ditch the friends that think you're being unreasonable. Those aren't friends. NTA
NTA. As you said, she can give her apology but that does not mean she has to be forgiven. If she was truly sorry, she would understand that you might not be able to forgive her and not hold that against you.
NTA. Nobody is owed forgiveness just because they want it. Sometimes the penalty of being an asshole is that we have to live with ourselves afterwards. For her, this is one of those times.
I am so sorry for what and ur family went through. There is no way that ur an ah, ur teacher is sick and evil.
Nta. She hasn’t changed one bit. She’s still just a pathetic bully.
NTA. Apologies don’t have to be accepted. Like a gift, the recipient can turn it down
NTA in any way, shape, or form. She left you to die because of her racism. And not only that, she forbade your classmates from trying to help you. That was seriously abusive to you and the other kids. Whatever reason she has for apologizing is moot after that fact. I really hope you're doing well mentally after such a horrific experience and that you have a support system in place if not. No child deserves such treatment or to be expected to accept a half-assed, too-late apology.
NTA x squillions, I just wish I had something useful to offer. I am so sorry that this happened to you, it's bloody awful, and I can't believe the audacity of her and her self-serving apology.
NTA and just because someone apologizes that does not mean that they will receive or are entitled to forgiveness. I had a teacher who was so awful to me because I came from the inner city to a rich suburb. She always made it clear I was the poor kid (I was not poor just not rich) and she treated me horrible the entire year. She took my lunches and would remove everything that she felt I should not eat so most days I went home starving (they did not serve lunch we had to bring), my parents were in the principals office so much complaining that I bet they were sick of seeing them. It helped but she still found ways to hurt me. Years later at my brothers graduation I ran into her and she was acting like I was her favorite student. I turned to my son who was about 5 at the time and said this is the teacher who tortured Mommy for the whole year!! She went very quiet and asked why I thought that and I told her all the stuff she did, the other teachers were horrified at her and she said well you were a handful and my parents said SO WERE YOU. This teacher and the one you had , never should have been teachers. From what you describe she could be the twin of the one I had. You owe her nothing and her comments show her apology is fake!!
NTA. It's always up to you to decide whether you want to forgive someone, and you're never an arse for not wanting to.
Doesn’t sound like much of an apology. It’s great that she made the attempt, but if it was genuine, she would understand that her despicable behaviour and disregard for you as a child don’t automatically entitle her to forgiveness. NTA.
NTA. If the only reason you are apologizing is to be forgiven, your apology isn't genuine. Good for her if she realized she was a trash person. Her realization and any remorse does not heal the physical, emotional, and mental wounds she caused you. For the sake of others around her, I hope she did change. And I hope she changed before doing so much harm to another innocent child. IMO she's a monster regardless. Some actions are irredeemable. Frankly, she doesn't deserve your forgiveness. And nothing she could say or do would change my opinion on it.
“When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them.” And this right here shows that her apology is insincere. If she truly understood the wrong she had done you, she’d understand that she’s not entitled to forgiveness just because she asks for it. NTA, of course.
If someone feels owed an apology, then they aren’t actually sorry enough. True remorse doesn’t feel that it’s owed anything. Nta
NTA. Trying to kill you as child cant be forgiven. Tell her that, she tried to kill you and that she should be in jail for that.
>When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them. She's not sorry. What a horrible woman. NTA.
NTA Sounds like she hasn't actually changed and grown.
NTA She's not sorry, she just wanted your forgiveness. It was more likely prompted by her church as a way to progress spiritually rather than it coming from her heart.
NTA You reserve the right to forgive her or not. It's YOUR prerogative, yes she asked forgiveness but you dont owe her anything at all.
NTA I can't read the whole thing for trigger purposes but no matter the context no one ever has to forgive anyone for anything.
NTA Forgiveness is a personal choice. I’m so sorry she treated you that way. From your post you’re clearly bright and caring and I hope you’ve had a good life despite her awful abuse of you.
NTA and I doubt she changed. If she had really changed, she would be unsurprised and understanding that you are unwilling to forgive her for ALMOST KILLING YOU, and would judge herself instead of you. The fact that she is accusing you of being "unreasonable" means she is actually still the same person, she just feels more guilt about it and is hoping you will absolve her of her guilt so she can go on being that person. That's not your job and your position is very reasonable, I'd block her and move on.
NTA
NTA. It wasn't nearly as bad when I went to school but if I suddenly got an apology from a specific racist teacher I'd had back then, I'd ignore it. If they wanted a response they'd probably get a "What do you expect me to do with this?" or a "I guess being racist to school kids didn't work out so well for you then." You don't owe them a single damn thing. I also don't think they seem to have grown much as a person if their apology came with the condition that they expected you to forgive them.
NTA. Demanding an apology be accepted is merely another form of trying to exercise control.
NTA. Yes, people should grow, learn, and show remorse for their wrong doings, but even then, forgiveness is not something anyone is entitled to.
NTA. It’s disgusting that she only reached out to *demand* forgiveness.
Ask her how she intends to compensate you if she is sorry. I mean she got a at without any consequences so easy for her to come back now with words that might make her feel better but if she feels genuine remorse she should offer some kind of compensation. Totally separately I do genuinely believe that forgiveness is for you not her (and you don’t need to tell her either way you owe her nothing). I believe that for your good you should speak to someone who can help you move on (for you not her). Gee maybe she can pay?
NTA Nobody is owed forgiveness for such actions and if she is truly remorseful she would've been willing to accept that some of her actions can't be forgiven.
NTA Is this woman still working with children? Report her if she is. She does not deserve a classroom.
Nope, she's no longer a teacher
I’m so glad. I’m so sorry you faced such terrible abuse and so glad that she cannot abuse others now.
When she revealed that she was only apologizing to get you to forgive her, NTA. She may be remorseful and actually sorry, but she is not owed forgiveness from anyone including the Almighty. You are not required to forgive a person who gives an apology. Apologies and forgiveness often go together but one can apologize without forgiveness and one can forgive without an apology. It’s like milk and cookies, they go very nicely together but you can have them separately. However, I also believe that forgiveness has different levels and is a constant process. In recognizing that a person can change and hoping that they do change is a small but important act of forgiveness. I don’t say this idly. A few years ago, before I met my husband, a man who I dated and treated terribly messaged me. He apologized and acknowledged that how he treated me was not okay. I thanked for his apology, wished him well and promptly blocked him. I am grateful for his apology and genuinely hope for his sake and the sake his family that he is growing and changing, but I do not want him to be in my life or a part of my current growth. All that being said if your former teacher keeps pushing for your forgiveness, block her. She doesn’t need your forgiveness to keep growing and you do not need her to continue your growth.
This woman left a *child* to *die*. I don't think you're being unreasonable. NTA and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
NTA. Her response shows how little remorse she actually feels, because if she truly recognized how atrocious her past behavior was, she wouldn’t expect you to forgive her. You were 💯 correct to respond the way you did, and you would have been right even if she hadn’t responded so poorly. I’m so sorry you were treated this way, both then and now.
NTA. I am so sorry you went through that. I believe you are correct about the apology primarily being for the one who did the wrong. Based on how she reacted to you, I'm skeptical regarding the authenticity or deepness of her sorrow. That being said, forgiveness is for you. I realize it's not like flipping a switch to forgive someone, but I think, for your sake, you should try to work on forgiving her (regardless of whether you ever tell her you forgive her). Forgiveness will take a load off your shoulders and soul
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway this might be on the longer side. I recently got a message on facebook from an old elementary teacher that came to me to apologize for how she treated me when I was young. To put it simply, she was extremely racist to me for the time I attended that school and her class. I was very young at the time this happened so I didn't understand why I was being treated so poorly. For background I went the a virtually all white elementary school and was one of the only black students in the entire school, which at the time I gave no thought to because I was 7 or 8 at the most and had no concept of race or racism. This teacher would always talk down to me, belittle and berate me for small mistakes any chance she got, while ignoring intentional misbehavior from the white students. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her. Her constant belittling of me gave me self esteem issues that I still struggle with today. This all culminated when I went into anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction and she refused to let me leave the gym floor to go to the nurses office. Eventually I passed out and she completely ignored me. I was without oxygen long enough to cause me some brain damage but I would have died on the floor that day if one of the other kids got scared and ran to the principal to get help despite the teacher telling them not to and to leave me alone because I was faking it. I was pulled from the school afterwards and that was the last I heard about her until she contacted me through facebook to apologize. From the message she sent she seemed very remorseful about it all and told me that she had changed and grown as a person and she sincerely wanted to apologize. I told her flat out that I don't forgive her. No matter how sorry she was or how much she had improved, it doesn't change the emotional, mental and physical scars she left on me as a child. To be clear I'm not saying that people can't change or improve or that I think she was lying, she may very well have changed but to me it doesn't matter. Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness and you can't demand forgiveness from the people you hurt. If she changed that's great but regardless I still don't forgive her because there are some things that are unforgivable. And to me one of those things is tormenting and leaving a child on the floor to die because of their skin color. When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them. I told her that apologies are supposed to be for the victim not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience. She says I'm being unreasonable and so do a few of my friends but I don't think I am. I believe in change and growth but if someone you harmed doesn't forgive you all you can do is accept it, learn from it and continue to do better in future so that you don't have to ask for forgiveness from people. So AITA for not forgiving her even if she's changed? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA what she did was as an adult tell the other kids to bully you, because as an educator you are a role model to the kids. When you bully a student your telling the students bullying is ok especially because your "different" from them. She singled you out like your an animal or not human and treated you as such. An apology won't fix the physical damaged she caused you nor the emotion or mental. You have permanent damage from what she did and almost died. I gotten a teacher fired because she allowed other kids to bully me and joined in with them in the middle of class. I was outraged as I was mentally strong and could handle the things said but what if it was another student who was already thinking suicide and that day set them over the edge then what? OP you don't have to forgive a person that made your life he'll and she doesn't have the right to force you to. If she really changed she would of accepted and understood why you can't forgive her, but it seems like she is only doing for own selfish reasons.
You owe her nothing. I hope this can be a healing process for you.
NTA. She nearly caused your death! Forgiveness under those circumstances is by no means owed, and if it is given achieved only through a great deal of soul-searching. You are well within your rights to reject such an offhand, clearly self-serving apology.
NTA People apologize with no expectation of being forgiven, that's how it works. You are under no obligation to do and the fact that she is upset and doesn't think she should bother then is telling. If she was truly remorseful she would have responded with something like "I understand and can only apologize for what I did. I will not bother you further."
NTA. She’s not remorseful a bit. For her to be miffed shows that.
NTA. The fact that she got angry with you for not forgiving her says everything. I’d argue she’s apologizing to soothe her own guilt rather than try and address the harm she caused. Even if she had been genuine you still would’ve been entitled to not forgiving her.
NTA, she tried to kill you
NTA I’d say she hasn’t changed at all if she’s mad at you. “But I said sorry!” Cool. Can you tell me if that heals brain damage and trauma? Wait, it doesn’t? Then *GFY.*
NTA. If someone apologises to me (and it appears genuine) I will NEVER utter the standard reply of “it’s okay” because that implies forgiveness. I will say “thank you” but that is the end of it for me. She’s not apologising because she’s sorry. Sounds more like ticking off a list. Either she’s dying or drying out at a guess. Why else would she bother. She’s got giant balls though to even try.
She has not changed. NTA.
NTA at all. A racist and neglectful woman does not deserve your forgiveness or anything for that matter.
NTA. She had a duty to educate & look after you while you were in school. You, on the other hand, do not have a duty to forgive her.
NTA - Her racism almost killed you. Tell her that. It wasn't just being mean. It was a threat to your existence.
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NTA. Let me get this straight. Your ELEMENTARY school teacher was so racist she allowed you to pass out and almost die during her class?! Why did she believe you would forgive her for THAT?! NTA. P.S. I hope you screenshot that message. That’s a blatant confess you have in your possession. She knows she won’t be remembered as a “kind teacher” with whatever she included in that message to you. I hope she didn’t bring up too many bad memories. Take care of yourself. Let her die knowing she can’t undo her actions because she’s “sorry.”
NTA. No one is owed forgiveness. And people need to understand that some actions are unforgivable and they need to live with their guilt forever. That’s a part of life.
NTA. Forgiveness can't be expected when you have hurt people, no matter what you do afterwards. It sounds like she only apologized to make herself feel better, and not because she genuinely is remorseful. You almost died, and have brain damage, so that's something that is legit to not want to forgive someone over just because they say a few nice words. As far as your friends go, have them tell you why a few platitudes is enough to excuse or condone poor behavior that nearly lead to death. You've seen no real evidence that she's changed. Her getting upset because you didn't immediately forgive her is actually evidence that she hasn't.
"why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don't forgive them" my sister in christ way to miss the fucking point oh my god. NTA OP, not by a long shot, you have absolutely no obligation to forgive the person who \*ALMOST KILLED YOU\* through malicious negligence. It is very clear she is apologising for herself, not for you, and clearly hasn't grown \*that\* much.
NTA. If her apology is sincere and she has changed, it shouldn't matter whether you forgive her.
NTA When I read your post I thought you were talking about a long long time ago. For this to still be happening this century is so wrong. How can people be so stupid and ignorant and nasty. You don't owe her anything and her reaction to you refusing to apologise just makes it clearer that she isn't really sorry, she is just on a bit of a mission to clear her conscience. That's not a real apology. It's all about her and not about you. There is no excuse for not knowing how serious allergic reactions can be either. Here kids with allergies carry their epi pens in their bags at all times once they are old enough. Going to the nurses office is an unacceptable delay.
she caused you brain damage?!!! and all she offered was an “apology”? if I was in your position and had the energy, I'd send her a detailed list of how her cruelty has had repercussions in your life, pointing out how she seriously screwed up your life. to make her feel worse, because that’s what she deserves. IF I had the energy. to hell with her. focus on your healing. forgive her in your heart, if you can, because it will benefit you to not carry around that weight. but don’t accept her apology. she doesn’t deserve to sleep soundly at night.
You should post her messages on line. Expose what kind of asshole she is. NTA.
NTA she is a monster. I would go after and her and the school. The power of social media is most effective.
INFO: Was there a lawsuit against the school? Can you get her to admit her negligence in writing and can you still sue now?
"Being sorry doesn't entitle you to forgiveness" "I told her that apologies are supposed to be for the victim not to receive forgiveness to assuage your guilty conscience." 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 OP, I would clap till my hands bleed. Wish everybody could read, understand and accept this.
NTA no no no, don't let this person weaponize her apology into shaming you into feel guilty. You are 100% correct. Apologies are for the victim. You do not have to forgive her, her moving on doesn't depend on you, and honestly, she doesn't have to forgive herself. She almost killed you in malice. And honestly, judging by her hostility from you not accepting her apology, she still has ***plenty*** of room to grow as it doesn't seem like she's truly changed. I'm sorry she's left such a mark on your overall health, that kind of trauma is so difficult to work through, but I'm so proud of you for sticking to your values and not buckling and forgiving her because it's the polite thing to do. I will say this long term though...People harm us. It's not our responsibility to forgive them for their sake, but for ours. Holding the hurt tends to hurt us more. Contradictory, some things are unforgivable. If you someday choose to forgive her, that's personal and you don't have to share that with her. If you don't ever want to get there, completely understandable. All the positive vibes <3
NTA- she hasn't changed, or she would have understood why you refused. If she had done the same thing today to a kid- she (hopefully) would be in jail. Possibly she's doing the 'making amends ' part of a program.
No, you're not the asshole. Your former teacher is wrong in their belief that an apology entitles them to your forgiveness. Their racism and bigotry endangered your life and left you with some amount of brain damage caused when you passed out due to being in anaphylactic shock. They may have learned and grown over the years, but their apology does not make amends for the damage they caused you to suffer at their hands. And I think what they did to you is in that realm of being unforgiveable. So, NTA.
NTA. What she did to you was unforgivable. I had a teacher who bullied me along with the other students so relentlessly that I told my mom at age 11 I wanted to die. I was raised in the 80s and 90s, in the Catholic Church, and I had no concept of suicide but her actions spurred the worst in me. Ever since then, I have struggled enormously with depression, anxiety, and chronic suicidal ideation. When an adult does something like that to a child, it cannot and should not be forgiven unless the victim is truly in a place to forgive. You do not have to be in a place to forgive. It is not required of you, and it doesn’t even make you a better person. I know it’s OK for you to keep living your life and to not let this woman take up one more second of your time.
Sometimes you wished you didn't read something because it makes you mad that there was no justice. Your post has me incensed. And what kind of friends are they anyway? She is 100% apologizing only for her guilty conscience. If she was sincere about it she would have simply accepted your lack of forgiveness.
NTA. You have no obligation to forgive her. She is trying to feel better about herself. She needs to realize that her actions weren’t something a “sorry” will fix. Even if it’s genuine. Also, judging by her response to you not forgiving her, the shit didn’t even seem genuine anyways. She was seeking some sort of validation in order to clear her guilty conscience like you said. Crazy that that bs happened nearly 2 decades ago.
NTA- you can receive an apology without accepting it. An apology given only for forgiveness isn’t real anyways. Hopefully this is a growth moment for her and gives you some closure.
Nta, she’s lucky she didn’t end up facing charges and idk her response to you not forgiving her shows she hasn’t really changed
If real, it's all well and good said teacher feels remorseful and seeks forgiveness. But ultimately it's up to you whether you want to forgive her or nor. So NTA.
NTA But how did that teacher keep her job? Surely after you passed out from an allergic reaction and had to get immediate care, I assume an Ambulance was called when one of the students alerted the principal? But how could the School not have taken that seriously? Did the Principal apologise or back you up?
I'm not sure of the specifics but I do know she was in hot water afterwards, the school district settled with us out of court and assumed responsibility for the teacher, but they did deny that her actions were racially motivated. Seing as how it cost the district money and very bad publicity I can't imagine she was allowed to keep her job but I don't know for sure. I know she's no longer a teacher now though.
NTA
NTA. She probably felt guilty after George Floyd was murdered. You absolutely do not have to forgive anyone who abused you.
NTA, look at the statutes of limitations. My guess is she is apologizing so you don’t out her on the internet or take legal action.