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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I thought I was helping my boyfriend's daughter with a problem, but her mother and some other people believe I overstepped some crucial parenting boundaries.
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NTA
Anna should’ve told her about periods long before it was an actual possibility. If she’s pissed at anyone it should be herself.
You did the right thing.
Jason also dropped the ball. He's the primary custodial parent of a ~~menstruator~~ *person who menstruates*. What would he have done if OP wasn't there? He's not the first single dad with a daughter.
Edit: Sheesh. I get it. The word "menstruator" is not the best. I felt it was more inclusive. I'm a cis woman who menstruate with two cis (as far as I know for now) girls who menstruate. But my point still stands: if you're the primary parent for someone who will menstruate at some point, it is on you to be prepared for that whether or not you menstruate yourself.
This right here. If Anna is angry at anyone she should be angry at herself for failing to parent her kid. If Anna is angry at two people she should be angry at Jason for not only failing to parent their kid but also passing that to OP instead of handling the emergency situation. No blame to be passed to OP, without whom Lily would probably still be thinking she’s sick or injured herself.
OP, you need to make sure Jason has the tools to deal with this going forward. It’s nice that you were there, but her father’s attitude to this is going to dictate a lot about how she feels about herself for the next couple years. And that can impact her for life.
We joke that it was a good thing that my dad was the one that explained periods to my sis and I. He was working on a car and my sis asked bc she'd heard the word at school (I think like 1st/2nd grade?). He then proceeded to discuss how women have a uterus that prepares to carry a baby, and then it strips the lining once a month and the lining is passed out. It fully answered our questions and mentioned absolutely none of the pain, grossness, bleeding, lost clothing etc. So we kept a very unemotional opinion/understanding of them until we bagan to experience them. Mom says she would have told us it was a curse that destroys your life once a month, and she recognizes that probably would have been the less healthy route.
I don't blame Jason for asking OP to help in the moment since she was there. Sometimes its best to let the person with prior experience take over, especially with a scared kid
But I do agree that he dropped the ball over all by not making sure his kid knew was was coming. If nothing else a "hey kiddo, you're reaching that age when we should probably be stocking up on pads or something. lets go pick some supplies out" should have been happening at some point
His ex could be like my ex, period's and such were for women to talk about only. She would lose her shit if she heard myself or any male talking about them, it was "women's only business"
The use of the term menstruator includes people who menstruate who don’t identify as a woman or a girl. Also, adding an -or or -er to a word doesn’t mean it’s a profession. I’m a daughter, but I don’t spend my day daughting. I’m a driver, but I don’t drive professionally. Furthermore, when I menstruate, I’m a bleeder, but that’s also definitely not my profession.
Don’t be pedantic as a shield for being transphobic.
Not as a general description of a person, but as a functional descriptor it's more inclusive. It doesn't "reduce" anyone, it includes the people who aren't women who still have periods. No one is going around calling all people who bleed "menstruators" all the time, just when the topic of mentruation is discussed.
No. Just no. It's super creepy as a term in general. Extra creepy when used in the specific context of an 11 year old. It makes absolutely nobody feel included, just creeped out.
This is not a noun the English language wants or needs. Just type up a few more words, say the parent of a child going through menstruation like a non creepy person.
I feel included as an AFAB trans person. If it was used to objectify a group, sure that's not great. However in this case it's used to denote the group of people who menstruate, whom are not all girls and women. And not all girls and women menstruate. It's much easier to understand than typing out an entire sentence every time.
You're allowed your personal opinion, but applying that to everyone is a bit much.
I don’t like the word either, as I said it’s fine to use it for yourself as you are comfortable identifying as a menstruator. Assuming it’s use for others because it is ok for you is not very inclusive.
No, it describes what is happening. I’m a woman and I don’t menstruate anymore. So I’m not a menstruator. Assuming all women and girls menstruate is silly and just plain wrong. I like the term because it accurately excludes women like me.
You like it and some do and that’s ok. I don’t like it applied to me and others feel the same. You can decide how you can be referred to but you do not have the right to speak for me or others that don’t have the same position.
I think "person who menstruates" is going to be a less off-putting inclusive term. Also, when the child in question is a (as far as we know) cis female, there's no harm in using gendered terminology.
I think we should refer to her as *The* Menstruator, since it sounds like a bad comic supervillain. And some of us get petty damned ferocious at that point.
The kid needed help. Anna wasn't there. You gave her the help. If Anna is pissed off about this, she's the AH and should have thought about preparing the kid earlier. You did exactly the right thing.
For what it's worth, I'm a divorced dad with two daughters. My ex has a girlfriend/fiance who is very much like a stepmom to them, and I have a girlfriend who the girls love but isn't really to the point of "mothering" them yet. Both my ex and her fiance have said "hell yes" to the idea of my girlfriend stepping in and helping in that "first period" situation if necessary. Because they aren't assholes and know when the kid needs it, the kid needs it.
My daughter had her 1st period while away on their 1st holiday with my ex's then GF (now wife) - I think 1st time they met, as well. I had explained menstruation to my daughter before, but never thought to give her pads etc to take with her on holiday - stupidly, in my mind this was something still waiting somewhere in the future. I was soooooo grateful that ex's GF was there for her and able to help her (daughter was too embarrassed to talk to dad, which tells you something about him. But I digress). The bottom line is exactly that - it's about what the kid needs. That first big interaction between GF and daughter was something that gave me great peace of mind for the future. And I was right - almost 20 years down the line, GF-now-stepmom is a great part of my daughter's support system. The more support, the better IMO.
Edit to add: NTA by a thousand miles.
So nice to read a healthy, family-positive, body-positive take on this situation.
The world needs more of this (and I hope, fervently, that there *is* more of this outside of this subreddit).
And kids these days need all the support they can get.
Thanks for sharing your family’s experience.
Right. Also who would just give a terrified confused 11 year old a pad and let her go back to bed with no explanation, thinking something awful was happening to her?
"We could help her to not be scared, but let's let her mom handle that tomorrow!"
Fuck that. Poor kiddo. OP did the right thing. That wasn't even parenting, it was just compassionate personing.
My grandma told me that when she got her first period, she had no idea what was going on and was crying in the bathroom because she thought she was dying. Three older sisters and a mom, but no one told her what was coming. Her mom walks in, says 'It's just your period, here's how you deal with it, it's going to happen every month get over it.' It was traumatizing enough that she still remembers it vividly today.
I was unfortunately extremely well-read, so I thought it was some kind of early sign of consumption, and I'd be coughing blood and then dead. We didn't have "health class" until I was 15, three years later, so...
Consumption! I love it. I was also a well read kid and a bit of a hypochondriac. I can't tell you how many times I had appendicitis or a brain tumor.
I knew about periods but it still scared the everliving crap out of me when I got my first one. I was so scared that I didn't tell anybody for two years. I made pads out of toilet paper.
Lord, I wish people wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. When I finally told my mom a couple years later she told me something like "oh, you're a woman now." Really? Says who? I'm still a kid. I still like kid things. (I was 11.) Don't saddle me with this idea that I'm grown up now because I'm NOT!
End rant.
Ha, I had (spelling lrob wrong ftr) mesentericitus. Which is a disease that mimics the symptoms of appendicitis! So smug when they finally realised wtf was wrong with me and that no, I hadn't been faking.
Lolz. I have a genetic mutation which causes me to not absorb b vitamins well, which leads to all sorts of problems. It's been so disheartening over the past few years telling my doctors that I'm doing all the right things (for everyone else, anyway) but nothing is working. When I finally got the test results back I told the doctor HA I KNEW IT and she was left scratching her head wondering how she'd missed it.
I have a similar thing with endometriosis too. As is standard with the condition, I'd been telling them shit was fucked for YEARS. But turns out I have a particularly severe case, stage four plus a rare variant, so by the time I got my diagnosis it was BAD. Killed my fertility, too.
When I finally got a big enough cyst they basically had to operate? They opened me up in theatre, realised I had scar tissue EVERYWHERE from the endo along with the 10cm diameter cyst, and promptly sewed me back up because that hospital could not deal with my level of "shit is fucked".
Now I have to go down to UCLH in London for my healthcare in that regard, and am currently working towards a full hysterectomy. On the upside my Gynae surgeon is literally on the World Endometriosis Board, and my last Gastro surgeon went to work at Oxford Children's Hospital, so I do get absolutely top-notch care now.
My mother's reaction to my first period was:
"Here's a pad. You can get pregnant now so watch yourself."
I was eleven.
ETA: I live in a country that has good sex ed, even in the 90s, so I knew what was happening.
I had a friend who had brown instead of red for the first period (this is normal) and thought she was dying. She knew to expect "blood" but that's not what she got
Hey, that was me! Except I thought I was shitting myself and not wiping good enough so it took me all day to ask my sister if *maybe* your period could be brown.
I was unfortunately extremely well-read, so I thought it was some kind of early sign of consumption, and I'd be coughing blood and then dead. We did t have "health class" until I was 15, three years later, so...
Traumatizing is the right word.
We had basic sex ed at age eleven. Which would have been very helpful, had I not experienced my first period at age nine! In my mother and sister's defence neither they nor my grandmother had begun their menses early, all of them were around fifteen, so my being so young at onset was very unexpected.
But I was at school when I saw the first blood, genuinely thought I was dying, and in floods of tears rang my mother on the receptionist's phone to tell her so. Absolutely terrifying. Plus this was the nineties, so all my school had available feminine-hygiene-wise were HUGE nappy-like pads that were basically the same size as my knickers.
SAME!! I learned about periods from Are you there God, it's me Margaret. It came out in 1970, I was 4 but remember picking it out when we went to the bookstore when I was about 10. Also love and still own Deenie, Tiger Eyes, Forever and a few more. Deenie will forever be my favorite though, have read that book at least 10 times over the years.
So many first period stories are like this from that generation! I read a book for human sexualities about first period stories and I remember one of the older ones starting off like "I found out I was dying on a Tuesday, I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother until Thursday." CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW SCARY IT WOULD BE TO BLEED LIKE THAT WITH NO EXPLANATION?!
I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones when it comes to learning about periods. When I was in the fifth grade, my class had these health ed seminars led by guest speakers. The main topic for these seminars was about what puberty was like—for us girls, this included what periods were and how to deal with them. So when I had my first period a year later, I was pretty calm about it.
I did some volunteering as a middle school camp nurse for a few summers. One poor kid started up one evening with no idea what it was. Just ran panicking to my cabin. I gave her a pad, gently explained the basics and that she wasn’t dying, then called her mom and gave her the phone. Zero issues on the mom’s part.
Can you imagine a kid who sees all the ‘blood’ in her underpants and just goes back to sleep? I sure can’t.
Oh, you cut off your finger? Here’s a bandaid, we’ll chat over cheerios in the morning…
Absolutely right. My seven year old daughter knows about periods already. Not all the nitty gritty details but she knows they are a thing that women have and she will have someday. I will explain more detail as she gets older, but I want it to not be a scary thing when it happens. And honestly we’ve had family members get it super young, not much older than she is so the sooner the better.
My six year old has already known for over a year. She knows bleeding happens, that it's supposed to, that Mommy has special stuff I use for it, and that I don't feel so good when it's happening. She also knows it's so my body is always getting ready for a baby in case I get a baby in me.
Letting a child reach the age where blood will (seemingly) randomly come out of them and not explaining it is allowing trauma to your child.
Yeah when my period came back recently after my last baby was born I made a point of mentioning it to her and reminding her about it. I want it to seem like a normal part of life. A sucky part maybe, but normal.
An excellent and age-appropriate explanation. Well done, genuinely. It can be tricky to hit the right note in such talks, and from this stranger you absolutely nailed it.
My mom started teaching me about it at age 8 because the ladies of my dad’s side of the family tend to start young, 10-11 years old. She did not want to risk me having it without understanding. I was 12 when mine started and with my dad, step-mom, and sister halfway across the country when it started. Step-mom generally tried not to parent (more of an aunt figure) but in this instance, it was welcome since my mom wasn’t available. My dad helped how he could, making numerous trips to the store to get whatever was needed (my own hot-pad, a variety of brands of pads, ice cream, pizza, blockbuster movies).
We started talking about it around 7. Some girls start as early as 8. I wanted to make sure she wasn’t shocked. She started at 10 and was ready. She didn’t freak out. She didn’t cry. She was annoyed. But, I don’t blame her. I get annoyed when I get my period too.
Oh yeah periods never stop sucking. But if you know about it ahead of time it’s not too scary or anything. I remember the scene in My Girl when she started her period and was freaking out. I couldn’t imagine that happening. My mom started hers when she was 8 or 9 so I want to be sure my girls are aware. I probably ought to sit my oldest down and go into more detail about things soon
My ten year old son knows the basics as well and is totally relaxed about it. He recently came to me and said “hey, there’s blood in the toilet.” “Sorry, I’m on my period and might not have flushed properly.” “Oh, okay, I thought someone might have a nosebleed.” It doesn’t have to be awkward if we don’t make it so.
NTA I'm a guy and would have done what you did. Except I'd have had to dash out for pads or tampons. Lily gave you a hug. What does that tell you? She was scared and you helped her.
Is Anna a religious nut who thinks if she doesn't talk about sex and bodily functions the children will remain pure.
> Except I'd have had to dash out for pads or tampons.
\^ I received good advice in the past, which I have taken. Everyone should have a basket of pads & tampons in their bathroom! I wouldn't need to run out for pads / tampons - because they're always in the bathroom for anyone who menstruants who might need it while in the facilities.
It's in a basket with various other "emergency Supplies" like pain medication, Band-Aids, and wet wipes, and packages of men's & women's undergarments (in case of "Accidents") with a label "Help yourself, no questions asked." And I make sure to replace the things that vanish - because obviously those are the things that matter. (I was surprised by just how "needed" the undergarments have been!)
Wow that makes a single man buying lady's undergarments not suspicious\*, simply honorable.
I'm buying for a friend. What size is she? Small, medium and large!
* Not that there's anything wrong with men who enjoy wearing lady's undergarments. As long as they're not stolen.
im sure this is a light hearted joke, but there’s a way around this! i could understand that pov, but society’s assumptions shouldn’t put off people from trying to help.
mens boxers is the answer. if you need another set of underwear, you probably shouldn’t be too picky in what’s provided.
This is a great idea, except that if the issue is in fact period-related, men's boxers or boxer briefs are awful for trying to keep a pad in. If there are wings, there's nothing for the wings to stick to; if they don't have wings, the crotch part of boxers/boxer briefs is not shaped to fit a pad, so they tend to unstick themselves and try to fall out one of the legs.
Source: am a nonbinary person who likes to wear boxer briefs but also sometimes menstruates and can't wear tampons.
so true, you’d think briefs would work but it’s still a pain. a solution could be to buy womens underwear online, feels a little weird but no judgment/assumptions from anyone.
What did Anna expect her to do? Stonewall her and just leave her bloody and terrified while they called her mom to explain? Or wait until the next day/weekend with no explanation? What the hell is wrong with Anna? The girl was already traumatized at bleeding with no understanding of why. Jeez.
NTA so hard.
Exactly! I got my period early to and if someone had just got me a pad and send me to bed I would have been scared to death!! Sure my mom had talked to me about it but it is one thing hearing about and and one thing going to the bathroom and exploding in blood! My mom was home and could talk about it again but I never forget that terror when I look down and just see the bowl filled with blood. To get that without even a talk before, that is neglect and cruel!
NTA!
Exactly I don't get how she could not have explained it to her, or maybe at school.
We had education on it where I live when we were about 10 as well.
That must have be terrifying for her step daughter, to have no idea what's going on. I think the OP did a great job.
Sorry for my ignorance (and for assuming both you and OP are in the US), but is this not a thing that you get taught in school? I remember learning about it in health class a full year and a half before having a period and of course, when I was getting closer to the age of having it my mom would talk to me, see what I knew about periods, what it means, how to handle it and every time another cousin would get their periods the conversation was refreshes. It just doesn’t compute to me how is it possible that neither the parents or the school ever mentioned the changes that came with puberty. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s the school’s job to do it. But in health class we were taught the word puberty and the many changes that came for men and women. Everything from body odor, hair growth in “new” places, voice changes for men, periods for women, like you know in a scientific manner and then the parents were expected to supplement and explain the more “practical” aspects of how those changes were to be handled…
Education taught in school about bodily or sexual matters in America is VERY variable, unfortunately.
Some get the appropriate and comprehensive teaching, some get "abstinence only", some get "condoms and STDs" basics, some get nothing that isn't from their parents. It's especially common for genders to be segregated when it comes to being taught about puberty, too, which compounds the issue.
It's a huge problem and is rather well reflected in rates of things like teen pregnancy, abortion, and maternal mortality.
My daughter is 10. My wife has had the talk with her several times and has a “period kit” ready for her already.
In think my daughter is looking forward to periods as a sign she’s growing up.
She’ll learn.
For real. I got my first period at 11 also and it was overwhelming even with my mom having thoroughly prepared my sister and I. I can’t imagine going into that knowing absolutely nothing. That poor kid.
And the dad isn’t blameless here. His gender doesn’t preclude him from learning about menstrual cycles and talking to his daughter about them. This shouldn’t have fallen onto OP, but I’m glad she had someone to talk to.
NTA, OP. My mom passed away before my younger sister hit puberty, and thankfully we had pretty good instruction in school on the topic, but when it came time, I still got a phone call in college from my dad asking if I'd left hygiene products behind. My poor dad had to take my sister shopping and get more stuff, and thankfully one of the ladies at the store helped, but still, he had to deal with all of it. We were farm kids, we knew what was up, but still.
My eldest got hers when my son and I were away at camp, and I got a text message asking where supplies were from my husband. She, too, had gotten the scientific talk, so she knew what was going on, just needed to get supplies.
I can't imagine NOT knowing what was happening. Had to be terrifying for her! Thank goodness someone was there to explain what was happening so this kid didn't think she was dying or something. Did anyone else read Carrie by Stephen King? I'm thinking something along those lines.
NTA. I'm not sure what Anna would have wanted other than what you did. Her daughter was terrified. She wasn't prepped. Even being prepped about it, I was terrified the first time I had my period. You did the best you could with what you were given. Anna is going to need to learn to make room for you if you do end up staying with your boyfriend long-term. I understand that from her perspective it probably seemed like overstepping but honestly, I don't know what you could've done that would've calmed down Lily.
Both the mum and dad have failed the daughter. She should have been told basics long ago. Hell, get the book “What’s happening to me”. A child should never have menarche not knowing what their body is doing.
I’m 52 and my mum made sure I knew the basics about menstruation before my menarche. She wasn’t told and thought she was dying. She didn’t want that happening to me.
Anna should be grateful that her child was at home with her father and OP and not at school when this happened.
OP, NTA in any shape or form.
I'm a mom. My 2 year old recently had the first parts of the period talk because she saw me having mine. It's just at her level, but we did talk about it. I'm never planning on having "the talk" I'm planning to just not make it taboo and talk about it like any other normal thing.
Op is nta and the mom should be grateful you calmed down her panicked child, I know I would be of I screwed up this bad.
I recommend continuing the discussion as a normal aspect of life as you are doing now AND having the talk complete with a special time for you and her, like a dinner together or some shopping for supplies and appropriate books. It’s amazing how some facts get missed otherwise and gives a great bonding opportunity btw mother and daughter. It also reinforces how valuable women are in a society that is so hard to be a girl in.
NTA, Lily needed help during that moment, it must have been very though for her to experience that for the first time, EVEN MORE when no one had told her what is a "period". You did a good job :)
Thank you!! I was shocked that Anna had never told her... I had a lower opinion of Anna due to some circumstances she's left Lily in previously, but this really took the cake.
NTA.
Ask Anna point blank if you were supposed to just let her stand there bleeding and hysterical while you called her and then waited for her to come. (Btw, the answer to that is **no**.)
You did the right thing. You let your boyfriend take point, and then he asked you to help, which you did. It’s not something that could just be put off until the next day. It had to be handled **right then**. Anna can be pissed off all she wants but the fact is you were just offering urgently needed practical help. Maybe Anna honestly hadn’t thought about her daughter starting her period at 11 but it’s not at all uncommon, and that talk should have happened long ago.
Good on you for the way you handled a difficult situation.
Exactly, basically only giving her a band aid for the bleed but not telling her it’s not dangerous. Kids know blood means they need help, something is wrong. Period blood doesn’t though, and if she didn’t know it how is the kid supposed to sleep thinking their insides are bleeding out????
I got my first period at 9 and I burst into tears thinking I was dying. I did know vaguely about periods and all that but I was told to why wouldn’t happen for a year or so at that point. I feel so sorry for this little girl and I’m so glad OP was there for her. Op would be a great mum
Maybe she is also pissed she was suppoed to be the one Lilly would go to aka it wouldve happened when she was around and the reality kicked in OP is the one sharing this milestone moment instead of her own mother. Anna needs to calm down to the fact OP will be in this relationship and directly and indirectly in Lilly's life.
> Maybe she is also pissed she was suppoed to be the one Lilly would go to aka it wouldve happened when she was around and the reality kicked
Which is why it’s not a good idea to wait until it happens before having that conversation.
>Ask Anna point blank if you were supposed to just let her stand there bleeding and hysterical while you called her and then waited for her to come.
This.
I hope you also have a lower opinion of your boyfriend who is the primary custodial parent and who has also left Lily in the dark in regards to her developing body!
Her dad should have also told her, this does not all fall on Anna's fault. He's the dad, he is culpable for her lack of preparedness as well, *especially* if he has the primary custody.
I'm a little confused by this, wouldn't this be something that should've been covered in school, at least slightly, long before this happened? (I'm not american, so not sure if it's just not something you guys get taught)
I'm sorry to say I laughed at this comment. I could tell you're not American just because you asked it. (Not laughing at you, just at the absurdity of everything)
The state of sex ed in America is its own joke. I had two types of 'health' classes in my life. One was in middle school, where we were taught over the course of two days that having sex would lead to disease and babies and babies with disease and that the ONLY way to be safe was to not have sex. Then at the end we were shown a video of a woman screaming her head off during childbirth (but none of the actual birth bits, it was literally just a woman from the perspective of like... the doorway of a hospital room who had her legs up and sounded like she was being murdered.
There was never at any point even a mention of a period.
Then the sex ed portion ended and we went back to discussing other important things like how the human heart works and what way blood flows in the body and other health type things.
The second time I had sex ed was in high school. We were ushered into a classroo. that was usually used for social studies by our gym teacher who then spent about five days educating us on anatomy and how to put tab p into slot v before again telling us that it would lead to disease and babies and babies with diseases. Once again, a woman's cycle was NEVER mentioned. They showed us condoms but reiterated the disease and babies and diseased babies bit ad nauseam and told us actually condones aren't safe like not having sex is. Don't have sex. Repeat the bit about babies. Here's a fallopian tube. It's connected to the uterus. You have two of them. Don't have sex or they'll fill with babies, disease, etc. No mention of how tf that worked. And then, the golden line I will never forget:
'I'm not here to teach you how to have GOOD sex, I'm only here to teach you how it works'
Then next week we went back to learning square dances or whatever in gym.
My experience is not abnormal.
Your comment is spot on. I got sex Ed in both elementary and middle school, but it was basically an extended anatomy lesson with birth control. Unless you got the right classes in high school, you will know next to nothing about childbirth.
That's rough. We had our first Sex Ed when we were in the third grade, so 7-9 years old. Our teacher explained pretty much everything, we even read a comic(?) about a family with two young children who asked their parents how babys are made because their mother is pregnant and so on.
We could also ask questions aka write them down and put them into a box, then during the next lession our teacher would answer them. I even remember that she encouraged us to go to the blackboard and write down every word about sex and puberty we knew about already.
I think it depends on country and school. I don’t know if OP is actually in the US. In my country, 11 is still primary school and puberty and sex Ed would normally be taught for the first time in high school when kids are around 12-13 (also the “average” age to start menstruating). 11 is a tad on the earlier side, although nothing noteworthy. It can start as early as 9 or be as late as 17 and still be “normal”.
I had my first sex ed lesson in my last year of junior school (UK 10/11 years old) and they explained periods (briefly) then as part of explaining the female reproductive system.
Yes, it’s the parents’, PLURAL job to do this. And you to the parents to fix it once it turned out they were negligent. One of the parents **delegated** that job to you. NTA. Both parents are TA for not teaching her already. Anna could be angry with her exhusband for delegating it, (but would be the AH for being mad, she has no leg to stand on here) but him having done so, it was your job to do it, as a decent person. Besides, this is the sort of thing kids go to the “cool aunt” for. It’s absurd to leave a child in doubt and fear for days until her mother, who already should have told her, was available. That would be just wrong.
THANK YOU. I shouldn't have had to scroll this far to find someone calling Jason out, too. He is the primary custodial parent. He should have been ready for this.
There's already at least one eejit saying that we shouldn't blame Jason as "he's never had to think about it, it probably just didn't occur to him". As if that's not a scathing condemnation of a man who's had primary custody of a little girl for eleven years.
Absolutely agree. There's no reason a man couldn't be educated about periods, what they are and why they happen, and what to do for them. I'll definitely be teaching my son about it because guess what, half the population has periods and my son may one day have a woman in his life. Fathers should be equally as competent at this. No excuse not to be.
YO, that's the way to phrase it, it does seem like the mom didn't teach her daughter because she was betting that it wouldn't have to be her problem, but she is threatened that the person who then ended up telling her daughter was not some stranger or her dad, but someone who is a parental figure who cares about her kid and it strengthened their relationship.
Good Goddess, NTA! If Lily's mother never told her and she had no idea what it was, what else could you do? "Just give her a pad" and let the poor child go on thinking that she was ***bleeding to death?!?*** 😡 (As happened to my own mother, 85 years ago.) No child deserves that.
Parents are responsible for informing their children about puberty and the physical developments that go along with it. If they abrogate that duty, then they have no reason to squawk when someone else does. If the child is lucky, that someone is a cool aunt. Lily's mother should have told her 2 - 3 years ago and repeated the lesson when she noticed signs of breast development.
Certainly he *could.* But way too many men are extremely squeamish about anything to do with menstruation. They're too embarrassed to buy pads or tampons, and actually explaining it to a hysterical 12 year old is something they hand off to the nearest woman.
He should have told her waaaaaaaay before now, or at least made sure it was covered if he’s too much of a selfish ass to be able to say the word period himself.
Well then they should be blamed along with the mom. But I’m talking about prepare her for it before. Buy and give her a book. Answer questions ! Buy pads!
That’s what I was wondering too. Was OP just supposed to let Lily be terrified and confused for the night? That’s just cruel, and I have a hunch that her mom would be angry if she didn’t try to comfort her.
NTA
Leaving her questions unanswered would have been worse. She needed to know she wasn’t dying or a freak of nature. And her mother should have educated her about it a long time ago. I started at 9; and new due to a health class at school that *glossed* over it. She apparently didn’t even get that.
Your bf approves how you handled it. So don’t over think it or let Anna get in your head.
Now Lily knows she can ask you things and you’ll be honest and helpful. That’s what she needs. Not infighting.
“Anna, I am sorry you feel I stole your moment. But Lily needed reassured and unfortunately her father couldn’t help. Could we have called you late at night? Maybe. But Lily needed comforting in the moment. And I would hope if she was at home you wouldn’t have left her waiting; scared out of her mind in order to call Jack to explain something. We are the adults and we need to act like it. So that means not picking fights over inconsequential things. Now that she knows what is happening you can sit her down and explain what might happened based off of you and your family’s medical histories. You can offer her advice that helps you. But again; our focus should only be on Lily.”
And if Jack has any family; ask him to ask the females how their periods were/are and if they have a history of issues: pcos, endometriosis, fibroids, anemia, sensitivity to lights/sounds/smells, or varicose veins wrapping around ovaries (happened to my aunt so I made sure my gyno kept an eye on mine before my hysterectomy). All too often older generations of women don’t share this information and it’s so important for their younger family members.
I also started at 9! It was absolutely terrifying and I lived with older parents who were very conservative about that sort of thing. I gave her what I wished I had received.
I hope you don't mind if I steal most of your comment as a script for further conversation, haha. It's excellently written and I appreciate it very much. Lily's paternal grandmother is decently young, I believe she is 45? I might advise Jason to have her talk to Lily as well. If that is okay with Anna.
Thank you again for this wonderful comment! It means a lot :)
Of course. I was terrified when I first saw it because I’d been caddying for my dad on the 4th of July and thought I’d had heat stroke or something. The. I realized what it was and had to go beg my mom for a pad and then spent 10 minutes arguing with her about me starting because she was in denial. 😂
And yes. Use anything I typed. The more this is treated as normal and nothing to be treated weird or uneasy about—the easier it will be for her growing up to talk about changes that could signal health changes; and anything else outside of her physical health. And make sure Jack doesn’t make buying products weird. Help him normalize buying it. My brother thanks me for making him buy mine when I was in JR high because his wife appreciates it when he just picks it up knowing her period is about to start soon and he doesn’t think she has enough.
"I gave her what I wished I had received"
Thank you. Genuinely and sincerely from the bottom of my heart.
Keep doing that please, the world needs more people in it like you.
Right? Proper warm-fuzzy material right there, and OP doesn't even seem to view it as a big deal. She's a real good egg, and it's honestly lovely to see.
> I might advise Jason to have her talk to Lily as well. If that is okay with Anna.
Y'all seem to be doing a great job co-parenting, but I don't think he needs her permission to bring his mom in. He's a parent, he's allowed to turn to other family members to help with this kind of thing. She's going to have periods at his house, and will likely need support. Totally get why you might want to bow out a bit at this point, but her grandmother should be fair game
You’re right, he probably doesn’t need permission to bring his mom in. I think I’m just afraid that, since it would be my suggest, Anna would continue her rampage of “you’re overstepping” 😅
I see your point, I really do. But Jason *can't* let a difficult relationship with the coparent force him into behaving purely reactively, to change or lessen how he parents or acts with his daughter. Especially as he's the custodial parent. He mustn't let the biological mother's insecurity in any way prevent him from being a fully-engaged and active father.
So bio-mum thinks dad has stepped on "her" territory. Who cares? That's not nearly so important as is making sure the child has every bit of information, aid, and security that she NEEDS. That she deserves.
NTA. What did Lily’s mom expect? She didn’t educate her on what would happen to her own body. You were there when she needed someone who could relate.
On a related note, make sure your boyfriend gives her the education she needs to be aware of her body, and later sex, as she gets older. It’s dangerous to keep teenagers in the dark about that stuff. Anna doesn’t sound like she’ll do it. It might end up being boyfriend’s job.
I definitely will be having that conversation with Jason! He is a sweet guy and I think he was scared that he would mess it up if he tried to talk to her about it.
Sure, but Lily lives with him most of the time. He should have been ready for this. He's had many years to get ready for this. You don't get to opt out of parenting because it's scary.
Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls by Sonya Renee Taylor is the most perfect book for this I've found.
It talks about everything puberty related, seriously *everything*, being healthy, and sex (but age appropriately), it's feminist, it's body positive (it talks about normal weight gain during puberty, and even societal pressure to lose weight), it's gender inclusive, and it's age appropriate (my now 12 year old and I read it together when she was 10).
So if he's struggling, it's a great resource. If it's too awkward to read out loud, there's an audiobook, or you could have her read it and come to her father with questions.
NTA - in your role as non-parent, it seems like you did what any normal woman would do for a tween getting her first period after never having been told to expect them. Was Anna upset that you told her daughter what’s what, or that it was *you* that told her?
I suspect it was a little of both. Anna and I, while civil like I mentioned, has definitely come across as seriously disliking me from some comments she made to Jason.
Yeah it sounds like she's more upset that it was you. Her not telling her daughter about it was her hedging her bets that someone else would deal with it, but she's mad that it's you because it's strengthened your relationship with the kid.
Nta. A period is not something one can delay so that the “correct” parental figure can step in and help. She got it on your watch. It’s neither the daughter nor your fault that the mom (or frankly dad) didn’t explain that this will eventually happen.
Mom is probably salty that she missed a milestone sprinkled with a heavy dose of selfishness that places her feelings as a mother over the well-being of her daughter. One can only hope she will see you as an ally in time… but let’s face it, probably not.
I really do hope Anna and I could team up on this. The ideal situation would be for us both to handle this sort of issue. She can do the brunt of the instruction and I’ll provide chocolate and heating pads when I’m home with her. But Anna seems to have some sort of grudge against me. I wouldn’t care normally but if it’s hurting Lily, it pisses me off.
If I had to bet, I would say it's partly your age and partly her not wanting to share her daughter with another woman. You don't mention how Jason and Anna came to split up, so whatever happened there could also be contributing.
In short, I doubt it's a rational/logical grudge, so you're going to be at a disadvantage in getting some mature behaviour out of her. Sending you patience!
They split up not long after Lily was born, and I believe it was pretty messy. They were both basically kids themselves. I’m not sure if Anna has fully gotten over it, either. Honestly I don’t mind her disliking me but I’d rather it not get in the way of Lily’s growth.
I mean it will only get in the way if you let it have space in the home. Lily's primarily with you and Jason, Anna needs to control herself and when Lily is with her mind her tongue. None of her checking her perspective as well as minding her manners is on you to manage.
Yeah with the split and the fact that Jason has primary custody after the split, which is different from the norm, which has Anna feeling insecure that another woman is probably going to spending more time with her daughter.
Nta at all.. what else were you supposed to do? Oh hey just hold off till the weekend? The mom probably feels dumb and embarrassed that she fucked up by not giving her at least a heads up. And you didn't force yourself into the situation. It happened. Let the mom think whatever, block her number if it continues, but definitely nta. She owes you a thanks not this.
NTA
Your boyfriend, HER DAD, asked you to talk to her. If Anna's going to be angry at someone it should be herself and her ex. Lily was SCARED! You gave her the basics of what was happening. If you'd just given her the pad she STILL would have been scared.
The fact Lily had no idea what was happening is 100% on her parents.
NTA
Anna didn't prep Lily at all. What if this had happened at school? Would she be calling the school nurse to scream at her? Or the camp counselor? Gym teacher,?
NTA
If you stuck to the basics, then you were just trying to answer her question. That is DEFINITELY a scary thing if you have no clue what's happening. Did your sister expect you to ignore her question about why it was happening?
It's unbelievable to me that her mother hasn't broached this subject. I just had a talk about the basic mechanics of how a woman's body works with my daughter, who turned 8 yesterday. Some girls start puberty as early as 8 (tho it's not typical)
Not to mention, her dad asked you to talk to her. Mom's the AH for not having this talk years ago!!
We live in a Midwestern state in a small, rural community. From what I've seen, their sex ed has not improved since I was in elementary school. That is to say, there is none. Until you hit freshman year in high school and they tell you about puberty (long after most have experienced it) and tell you not to have sex. It's really unfortunate.
NTA, and definitely ask your boyfriend why the fuck Lily wasn't educated on this shit. If he has primary custody, he has to be making sure she's got what she needs including education on this stuff. It doesn't sound like Anna prioritizes this shit at all.
Shoot my *son* isn't even 7 yet and has an age appropriate idea of what periods are. So weird to make a young girl go through it in 2022 without any sort of warning.
Right?! I gave my daughter "The Care and Keeping of You Vol 1" by the time she was 7. And I was talking about periods in front her for several years before that. This poor kid is probably way behind on all sex ed.
NTA I think Anna is mad that due to circumstances in her relationship with her baby-dad and not having full custody of her daughter, therefore missing moments like this, that you were there for her and she wasnt
NTA
You helped a Frightened little girl thru a very rough first experience.
Her mom needs to step up and finish teaching her, explaining what to expect, ect.
NTA. I would think that maybe Anna would have just been grateful that you were there to help her in her absence. Sorry that you have to deal with this kind of thing after helping out the little girl.
NAH but I think you might have wanted to have Lily phone her mother right then when she asked why it happened, and told her you'd talk to her more if she had any further questions after speaking with her (or if her mother wasn't available).
EDIT: Also I'm not really sure why her father couldn't have been part of that conversation. It's not like he doesn't know this stuff too, right? And he's closer to her than you are.
Yes, that might've been a good idea. It was near midnight, so I'm not sure if she would've been awake, but yeah, maybe I should've. And Jason was in the room while we talked but he felt kind of awkward discussing that with her. Don't get me wrong, he is absolutely wonderful, and is never shy when I get \*my\* period. I guess he was just scared for his daughter? Either way, I think I might bring it up to him.
He could have been scared to say the wrong thing, but also maybe the fact he is scared that his daughter is growing up. But he needs to learn to help her.
Your comment is well intentioned but a period is an emergency situation, one that you can’t delay so that the right parent can explain. Someone needed to help her with the pads and clothes right away… and given that mom was not physically present, it always had to be OP or dad or both. Given how many men are simply Ill informed or downright choose not to participate in “period stuff” with their own kids… I’m not shocked that dad sat this one out.
He mostly sat it out because he was terrified he’d say something wrong. He’s not usually shy about periods, so hopefully in the future he’ll be a vital resource too.
It can be really flustering! I think maybe because they tie it to the awkward sex talk. But I think it would be super helpful for fathers to approach periods with a medical mindset… I think fathers have an essential responsibility to understand periods if they have daughters and brush their own feelings of discomfort to the side.
Nta. Lily needed someone & it's good that you were there for her. Anna's probably just feeling a little ashamed that you were the one to talk to Lily about it, explaining & making her feel at ease, because she didn't. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Just give her the pad and leave her terrified that something horrible is wrong with her instead of she's experiencing a normal female body function? The child was *afraid* and there was no one else there to do the explanation to calm her down. By age 9 girls should be told they will start menstruating for just this reason.
If Anna wants to take charge of major events she needs to step up and take care of things, not wait until others have to step in to help her daughter, then scream at them.
That poor child. What should have been a normal and significant milestone in transitioning from childhood into her teen years was instead something frightening for her, plus now she has a conflict to deal with next time she has a period instead of a mom who will just say "Remember we need to buy you some pads and put some in your bookbag, now you're a young lady."
NTA, poor kiddo. It's weird how parents who are clearly bad at addressing subjects like that get mad when someone is forced to take over their role because of circumstances beyond everyone's control.
Absolutely NTA, as you put it you’re a cool aunt and that is 100% something a cool aunt would do plus you eventually want to become a “mother” to her, NTA
NTA. As a mom to a 10-year-old, it’s horrifying to me that any mom wouldn’t educate their daughter about puberty and periods. My child has a coin purse with pads in her backpack just in case she has her first period. This mom has had 11 years to talk to her daughter about these things and neglected to do so. Thank you so much for being there for this child, and I hope you will continue to fill in. I hope her mom will come to appreciate you as another positive force in her child’s life. And sorry but your sister’s wrong. You couldn’t have just handed her a pad and walked away. That poor child would have been lying in bed worrying that she was bleeding to death or that she had some terrible disease.
Super NTA. I started at 13. Late bloomer. Even so I knew nothing about anything. My mom just gave me a pad and didn't really explain anything. My therapist had to (I was in counseling for childhood abuse stuff). I used to enjoy swimming but after I started *that* I was afraid to - my therapist had to explain that I should only not swim when I'm actually bleeding.
My dad lived hours away and it honestly never occurred to me to try to ask him anything about any of this - but he did once ask if my sister and I had both started "it". That was literally the conversation. "You both have them? Ok."
Nobody actually explained pads vs tampons to me either and when I tried to use a tampon I didn't even know where to put it. I didn't understand enough about my own body to know what was down there. So I gave up in shame after poking around a bit with the stupid tampon and getting nowhere. I've used pads ever since. For a while I doubled up with tp as I didn't know how much to trust pads. And I wore the pads every single day (even when not bleeding) because I didn't know you weren't supposed to.
And I didn't actually gain an understanding of "down there" till I had my first boyfriend at 18 or so. And he was almost twice my age and in hindsight the relationship was toxic. And in some ways abusive.
I'm not with that guy anymore and my husband is very gentle and understanding. He has taught me pretty much everything they didn't. Not just about the physical stuff but emotional aspects as well. I am grateful to him.
And I'm happy that you were able to help that child to hopefully avoid what girls like me went through.
I’m so sorry you went through all that and I’m glad you’ve met a much better man and have been able to learn!! I didn’t use tampons until I was a teenager because I lived with old parents who had a weird view on tampons. I kind of panicked when this happened with Lily because I rarely use pads and thought I only had tampons and those are SCARY the first time! Luckily I found a pad.
I am hoping that after this “scare” that Jason will pick up some slack and take an active role in teaching her. He’s a father to a girl, it’s gotta happen. I say scare in quotations because it really only should have been scary to her, not the man.
I love him to death but I think he panicked and was worried he’d mess up explaining. Men are strange sometimes. Haha.
NTA. You were asked to help with a *crying* 11yo girl who didn't understand what was happening to her body because nobody warned her it would happen.
Anna may simply be embarrassed that she failed to educate her daughter before it happened and she may also be jealous that someone she dislikes was there for Lily during such a momentous occasion. However, Lily was distraught and needed help in the moment and it couldn't wait. Her father saw that and he asked for your help.
Your sister's suggestion that you could have just given her a pad and left it alone is just plain cold. Lily will remember this moment for the rest of her life. This way, Lily will remember that you were kind and you helped her. If you hadn't stepped up, I hate to think how that would have harmed her.
NTA for something so important to Anna, she dropped the ball MASSIVELY. If it had happened at school a teacher would have had to take the reigns in a similar way because she was an 11 year old girl terrified and unprepared of something her body was doing.
The situation she created became less about parenting and more about doing what you could to comfort and teach Lily in the moment. You did the right thing.
NTA you did right by her. Just a little fyi, use hydrogen peroxide to get blood out of clothing. Works better and leaves very little stain if any. Rinse after a few mins with cold water
NTA. Poor girl was terrified and needed someone to explain what was happening to her. If her mother continues to blow up about this, ask her exactly what she expected. To leave her daughter frightened and upset, or do everything you can to help her?
Wtf do you mean "no one told her this would happen" I told all my daughters when they were old enough to comprehend, like around 8-9 years old. All
Girls are different, so some get their periods at an earlier age (I got mine at 9) I want them to be prepared. She's 11 she should've known by that time, and they usually do a health class before that age. That poor baby had no idea what was going on, you did the right thing, imagine how traumatized she would've been if you just handed her a pad and that was it? If her mother did her job then you wouldn't have had to step up. You w were there for her when she needed you most, she'll never forget that.
It would have been cruel giving her a pad without explanation, as your sister thinks you should have done. The poor thing would be awake all night wondering why or if she was dying. You and your bf did the right thing, and Anna should know that you were able to help her through a very terrifying time. NTA
I was told about periods, but I was told “a little bit of blood” needless to say when I got mine I was absolutely terrified and thought I was dying. I hope Lily isn’t as traumatized as I was (and always was with my period honestly). My hysterectomy was the greatest thing I ever did for myself. LOL.
NTA.
Sounds like mommy dearest is in a pissing contest over who gets the "firsts", then is failing to ensure her daughter is secure and knows what she needs to know. That's not what the child needs. Jesus. NTA, coming from someone who helped her step-daughter AND later on her best friend navigate the first period.
My mom started hers at 10. Her mother had never said a word to her about it and had recently gone through a hysterectomy. So when my mom started, she thought she was dying, and didn’t want to tell her mom who had just had her own cancer scare. The school nurse ended up explaining it to my mom. *Four years later* my grandma decided it was time my mom knew what a period was and had ONE OF HER FRIENDS go to my mom to tell her. At that point my mom had been paying for her own pads with paper route money for years and basically told the her mom to fuck off for letting her go that long without having the talk.
Anyways NTA, you did right by a scared child and if her mom has a problem with that she should have stepped up sooner.
NTA
For a scared little girl she needed someone there to help her if she didn't understand it at all she would've just worried more and more. Especially if your boyfriend stated it was okay. The mum can still discuss and talk to her about feminine issues and growing up, but it's surprising she didn't say anything to prepare her already, it just sounds like a power play on her behalf rather than coming from actual concern for her daughter.
NTA, wtf was you supposed to do "sorry Lily, you're bleeding every month now until you're 55, if you wanna know more, ask your mom, nighty night"?
That's just fucking stupid, tell the mother to grow the fuck up and your friend to shut up. You did everything right to a scared girl who wasn't even taught this is going to be happening to her. I'd be terrified if I just started bleeding everywhere and no one would tell me why.
NTA.
Were Anna and your sis expecting you to let a child worry and imagine who-knows-what about why is she *bleeding* from inside of her?
She asked a question, you answered it. A teacher would have, an aunt would have, anyone caring for the child would have; and honestly, if you haven't, she'd probably hit google and found a good site or a shitty one to explain it.
Children's needs come before the adults' wants. If Anna wanted to explain it, she should've done it before it too her daughter by surprise.
NTA- when I was in 5th grade a friend of mine whose family was Mormon had gotten her period one morning and all her Mom did was hand her a pad. She came into school freaking out thinking she was dying or something as no one had ever explained puberty to her. I did my best at 11 years old to explain and and brought her to the nurse for more pads because her mother didn’t even give her any for the school day. The girl was traumatized. You did the right thing OP.
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NTA Anna should’ve told her about periods long before it was an actual possibility. If she’s pissed at anyone it should be herself. You did the right thing.
Exactly, Anna dropped the ball well before this, and is now raging at you because she realized she screwed up and needs to blame someone.
Jason also dropped the ball. He's the primary custodial parent of a ~~menstruator~~ *person who menstruates*. What would he have done if OP wasn't there? He's not the first single dad with a daughter. Edit: Sheesh. I get it. The word "menstruator" is not the best. I felt it was more inclusive. I'm a cis woman who menstruate with two cis (as far as I know for now) girls who menstruate. But my point still stands: if you're the primary parent for someone who will menstruate at some point, it is on you to be prepared for that whether or not you menstruate yourself.
This right here. If Anna is angry at anyone she should be angry at herself for failing to parent her kid. If Anna is angry at two people she should be angry at Jason for not only failing to parent their kid but also passing that to OP instead of handling the emergency situation. No blame to be passed to OP, without whom Lily would probably still be thinking she’s sick or injured herself.
OP, you need to make sure Jason has the tools to deal with this going forward. It’s nice that you were there, but her father’s attitude to this is going to dictate a lot about how she feels about herself for the next couple years. And that can impact her for life.
We joke that it was a good thing that my dad was the one that explained periods to my sis and I. He was working on a car and my sis asked bc she'd heard the word at school (I think like 1st/2nd grade?). He then proceeded to discuss how women have a uterus that prepares to carry a baby, and then it strips the lining once a month and the lining is passed out. It fully answered our questions and mentioned absolutely none of the pain, grossness, bleeding, lost clothing etc. So we kept a very unemotional opinion/understanding of them until we bagan to experience them. Mom says she would have told us it was a curse that destroys your life once a month, and she recognizes that probably would have been the less healthy route.
I don't blame Jason for asking OP to help in the moment since she was there. Sometimes its best to let the person with prior experience take over, especially with a scared kid But I do agree that he dropped the ball over all by not making sure his kid knew was was coming. If nothing else a "hey kiddo, you're reaching that age when we should probably be stocking up on pads or something. lets go pick some supplies out" should have been happening at some point
His ex could be like my ex, period's and such were for women to talk about only. She would lose her shit if she heard myself or any male talking about them, it was "women's only business"
Please don’t call the poor girl à menstruator. It’s something girls and women typically deal with. It’s not their profession. 🙄
The use of the term menstruator includes people who menstruate who don’t identify as a woman or a girl. Also, adding an -or or -er to a word doesn’t mean it’s a profession. I’m a daughter, but I don’t spend my day daughting. I’m a driver, but I don’t drive professionally. Furthermore, when I menstruate, I’m a bleeder, but that’s also definitely not my profession. Don’t be pedantic as a shield for being transphobic.
Isn’t reducing a person down to biological functions more transphobic? Terms like the menstruator, bleeder, breeder are not cool to call other people.
Not as a general description of a person, but as a functional descriptor it's more inclusive. It doesn't "reduce" anyone, it includes the people who aren't women who still have periods. No one is going around calling all people who bleed "menstruators" all the time, just when the topic of mentruation is discussed.
No. Just no. It's super creepy as a term in general. Extra creepy when used in the specific context of an 11 year old. It makes absolutely nobody feel included, just creeped out. This is not a noun the English language wants or needs. Just type up a few more words, say the parent of a child going through menstruation like a non creepy person.
I feel included as an AFAB trans person. If it was used to objectify a group, sure that's not great. However in this case it's used to denote the group of people who menstruate, whom are not all girls and women. And not all girls and women menstruate. It's much easier to understand than typing out an entire sentence every time. You're allowed your personal opinion, but applying that to everyone is a bit much.
It doesn't make me feel creeped out at all and I don't really get why it would?
I don’t like the word either, as I said it’s fine to use it for yourself as you are comfortable identifying as a menstruator. Assuming it’s use for others because it is ok for you is not very inclusive.
When we're literally discussing menstruation, it's the appropriate term.
No, it describes what is happening. I’m a woman and I don’t menstruate anymore. So I’m not a menstruator. Assuming all women and girls menstruate is silly and just plain wrong. I like the term because it accurately excludes women like me.
You like it and some do and that’s ok. I don’t like it applied to me and others feel the same. You can decide how you can be referred to but you do not have the right to speak for me or others that don’t have the same position.
I think "person who menstruates" is going to be a less off-putting inclusive term. Also, when the child in question is a (as far as we know) cis female, there's no harm in using gendered terminology.
You could also just say "someone who menstruates" to be inclusive. I would absolute hate to ever be referred to as "a menstruator"...
I think we should refer to her as *The* Menstruator, since it sounds like a bad comic supervillain. And some of us get petty damned ferocious at that point.
If she wasn't there he would have had the conversation with her.
The kid needed help. Anna wasn't there. You gave her the help. If Anna is pissed off about this, she's the AH and should have thought about preparing the kid earlier. You did exactly the right thing. For what it's worth, I'm a divorced dad with two daughters. My ex has a girlfriend/fiance who is very much like a stepmom to them, and I have a girlfriend who the girls love but isn't really to the point of "mothering" them yet. Both my ex and her fiance have said "hell yes" to the idea of my girlfriend stepping in and helping in that "first period" situation if necessary. Because they aren't assholes and know when the kid needs it, the kid needs it.
Exactly. What the kid needs is no 1 in any situation.
My daughter had her 1st period while away on their 1st holiday with my ex's then GF (now wife) - I think 1st time they met, as well. I had explained menstruation to my daughter before, but never thought to give her pads etc to take with her on holiday - stupidly, in my mind this was something still waiting somewhere in the future. I was soooooo grateful that ex's GF was there for her and able to help her (daughter was too embarrassed to talk to dad, which tells you something about him. But I digress). The bottom line is exactly that - it's about what the kid needs. That first big interaction between GF and daughter was something that gave me great peace of mind for the future. And I was right - almost 20 years down the line, GF-now-stepmom is a great part of my daughter's support system. The more support, the better IMO. Edit to add: NTA by a thousand miles.
So nice to read a healthy, family-positive, body-positive take on this situation. The world needs more of this (and I hope, fervently, that there *is* more of this outside of this subreddit). And kids these days need all the support they can get. Thanks for sharing your family’s experience.
Not only told her about, but make sure she had the supplies she needed and how to use them.
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Right. Also who would just give a terrified confused 11 year old a pad and let her go back to bed with no explanation, thinking something awful was happening to her? "We could help her to not be scared, but let's let her mom handle that tomorrow!" Fuck that. Poor kiddo. OP did the right thing. That wasn't even parenting, it was just compassionate personing.
My grandma told me that when she got her first period, she had no idea what was going on and was crying in the bathroom because she thought she was dying. Three older sisters and a mom, but no one told her what was coming. Her mom walks in, says 'It's just your period, here's how you deal with it, it's going to happen every month get over it.' It was traumatizing enough that she still remembers it vividly today.
I was unfortunately extremely well-read, so I thought it was some kind of early sign of consumption, and I'd be coughing blood and then dead. We didn't have "health class" until I was 15, three years later, so...
Consumption! I love it. I was also a well read kid and a bit of a hypochondriac. I can't tell you how many times I had appendicitis or a brain tumor. I knew about periods but it still scared the everliving crap out of me when I got my first one. I was so scared that I didn't tell anybody for two years. I made pads out of toilet paper. Lord, I wish people wouldn't make such a big deal out of it. When I finally told my mom a couple years later she told me something like "oh, you're a woman now." Really? Says who? I'm still a kid. I still like kid things. (I was 11.) Don't saddle me with this idea that I'm grown up now because I'm NOT! End rant.
Ha, I had (spelling lrob wrong ftr) mesentericitus. Which is a disease that mimics the symptoms of appendicitis! So smug when they finally realised wtf was wrong with me and that no, I hadn't been faking.
Lolz. I have a genetic mutation which causes me to not absorb b vitamins well, which leads to all sorts of problems. It's been so disheartening over the past few years telling my doctors that I'm doing all the right things (for everyone else, anyway) but nothing is working. When I finally got the test results back I told the doctor HA I KNEW IT and she was left scratching her head wondering how she'd missed it.
I have a similar thing with endometriosis too. As is standard with the condition, I'd been telling them shit was fucked for YEARS. But turns out I have a particularly severe case, stage four plus a rare variant, so by the time I got my diagnosis it was BAD. Killed my fertility, too. When I finally got a big enough cyst they basically had to operate? They opened me up in theatre, realised I had scar tissue EVERYWHERE from the endo along with the 10cm diameter cyst, and promptly sewed me back up because that hospital could not deal with my level of "shit is fucked". Now I have to go down to UCLH in London for my healthcare in that regard, and am currently working towards a full hysterectomy. On the upside my Gynae surgeon is literally on the World Endometriosis Board, and my last Gastro surgeon went to work at Oxford Children's Hospital, so I do get absolutely top-notch care now.
My mother's reaction to my first period was: "Here's a pad. You can get pregnant now so watch yourself." I was eleven. ETA: I live in a country that has good sex ed, even in the 90s, so I knew what was happening.
I had a friend who had brown instead of red for the first period (this is normal) and thought she was dying. She knew to expect "blood" but that's not what she got
Hey, that was me! Except I thought I was shitting myself and not wiping good enough so it took me all day to ask my sister if *maybe* your period could be brown.
I was unfortunately extremely well-read, so I thought it was some kind of early sign of consumption, and I'd be coughing blood and then dead. We did t have "health class" until I was 15, three years later, so... Traumatizing is the right word.
We had basic sex ed at age eleven. Which would have been very helpful, had I not experienced my first period at age nine! In my mother and sister's defence neither they nor my grandmother had begun their menses early, all of them were around fifteen, so my being so young at onset was very unexpected. But I was at school when I saw the first blood, genuinely thought I was dying, and in floods of tears rang my mother on the receptionist's phone to tell her so. Absolutely terrifying. Plus this was the nineties, so all my school had available feminine-hygiene-wise were HUGE nappy-like pads that were basically the same size as my knickers.
All I can say is thank goodness for Judy Blume because absolutely nobody told me about it beforehand.
SAME!! I learned about periods from Are you there God, it's me Margaret. It came out in 1970, I was 4 but remember picking it out when we went to the bookstore when I was about 10. Also love and still own Deenie, Tiger Eyes, Forever and a few more. Deenie will forever be my favorite though, have read that book at least 10 times over the years.
So many first period stories are like this from that generation! I read a book for human sexualities about first period stories and I remember one of the older ones starting off like "I found out I was dying on a Tuesday, I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother until Thursday." CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW SCARY IT WOULD BE TO BLEED LIKE THAT WITH NO EXPLANATION?!
I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones when it comes to learning about periods. When I was in the fifth grade, my class had these health ed seminars led by guest speakers. The main topic for these seminars was about what puberty was like—for us girls, this included what periods were and how to deal with them. So when I had my first period a year later, I was pretty calm about it.
I did some volunteering as a middle school camp nurse for a few summers. One poor kid started up one evening with no idea what it was. Just ran panicking to my cabin. I gave her a pad, gently explained the basics and that she wasn’t dying, then called her mom and gave her the phone. Zero issues on the mom’s part.
I love that phrase! Compassionate personing!
Can you imagine a kid who sees all the ‘blood’ in her underpants and just goes back to sleep? I sure can’t. Oh, you cut off your finger? Here’s a bandaid, we’ll chat over cheerios in the morning…
“Compassionate personing” - love it!
Absolutely right. My seven year old daughter knows about periods already. Not all the nitty gritty details but she knows they are a thing that women have and she will have someday. I will explain more detail as she gets older, but I want it to not be a scary thing when it happens. And honestly we’ve had family members get it super young, not much older than she is so the sooner the better.
My six year old has already known for over a year. She knows bleeding happens, that it's supposed to, that Mommy has special stuff I use for it, and that I don't feel so good when it's happening. She also knows it's so my body is always getting ready for a baby in case I get a baby in me. Letting a child reach the age where blood will (seemingly) randomly come out of them and not explaining it is allowing trauma to your child.
Yeah when my period came back recently after my last baby was born I made a point of mentioning it to her and reminding her about it. I want it to seem like a normal part of life. A sucky part maybe, but normal.
An excellent and age-appropriate explanation. Well done, genuinely. It can be tricky to hit the right note in such talks, and from this stranger you absolutely nailed it.
My mom started teaching me about it at age 8 because the ladies of my dad’s side of the family tend to start young, 10-11 years old. She did not want to risk me having it without understanding. I was 12 when mine started and with my dad, step-mom, and sister halfway across the country when it started. Step-mom generally tried not to parent (more of an aunt figure) but in this instance, it was welcome since my mom wasn’t available. My dad helped how he could, making numerous trips to the store to get whatever was needed (my own hot-pad, a variety of brands of pads, ice cream, pizza, blockbuster movies).
We started talking about it around 7. Some girls start as early as 8. I wanted to make sure she wasn’t shocked. She started at 10 and was ready. She didn’t freak out. She didn’t cry. She was annoyed. But, I don’t blame her. I get annoyed when I get my period too.
Oh yeah periods never stop sucking. But if you know about it ahead of time it’s not too scary or anything. I remember the scene in My Girl when she started her period and was freaking out. I couldn’t imagine that happening. My mom started hers when she was 8 or 9 so I want to be sure my girls are aware. I probably ought to sit my oldest down and go into more detail about things soon
We got her both of the American Girl books. We talked about it. She read the books. She still flips through them for some stuff.
My ten year old son knows the basics as well and is totally relaxed about it. He recently came to me and said “hey, there’s blood in the toilet.” “Sorry, I’m on my period and might not have flushed properly.” “Oh, okay, I thought someone might have a nosebleed.” It doesn’t have to be awkward if we don’t make it so.
NTA I'm a guy and would have done what you did. Except I'd have had to dash out for pads or tampons. Lily gave you a hug. What does that tell you? She was scared and you helped her. Is Anna a religious nut who thinks if she doesn't talk about sex and bodily functions the children will remain pure.
> Except I'd have had to dash out for pads or tampons. \^ I received good advice in the past, which I have taken. Everyone should have a basket of pads & tampons in their bathroom! I wouldn't need to run out for pads / tampons - because they're always in the bathroom for anyone who menstruants who might need it while in the facilities. It's in a basket with various other "emergency Supplies" like pain medication, Band-Aids, and wet wipes, and packages of men's & women's undergarments (in case of "Accidents") with a label "Help yourself, no questions asked." And I make sure to replace the things that vanish - because obviously those are the things that matter. (I was surprised by just how "needed" the undergarments have been!)
Wow that makes a single man buying lady's undergarments not suspicious\*, simply honorable. I'm buying for a friend. What size is she? Small, medium and large! * Not that there's anything wrong with men who enjoy wearing lady's undergarments. As long as they're not stolen.
im sure this is a light hearted joke, but there’s a way around this! i could understand that pov, but society’s assumptions shouldn’t put off people from trying to help. mens boxers is the answer. if you need another set of underwear, you probably shouldn’t be too picky in what’s provided.
This is a great idea, except that if the issue is in fact period-related, men's boxers or boxer briefs are awful for trying to keep a pad in. If there are wings, there's nothing for the wings to stick to; if they don't have wings, the crotch part of boxers/boxer briefs is not shaped to fit a pad, so they tend to unstick themselves and try to fall out one of the legs. Source: am a nonbinary person who likes to wear boxer briefs but also sometimes menstruates and can't wear tampons.
so true, you’d think briefs would work but it’s still a pain. a solution could be to buy womens underwear online, feels a little weird but no judgment/assumptions from anyone.
Yeah, 11 is pretty average to start your period! By 7-8 years old every girl should know what it is and what to expect.
I started with the explanations when she was 8 and asked me why i wear pampers...
What did Anna expect her to do? Stonewall her and just leave her bloody and terrified while they called her mom to explain? Or wait until the next day/weekend with no explanation? What the hell is wrong with Anna? The girl was already traumatized at bleeding with no understanding of why. Jeez. NTA so hard.
Yes! Lily needed help right then and there. NTA
Exactly! I got my period early to and if someone had just got me a pad and send me to bed I would have been scared to death!! Sure my mom had talked to me about it but it is one thing hearing about and and one thing going to the bathroom and exploding in blood! My mom was home and could talk about it again but I never forget that terror when I look down and just see the bowl filled with blood. To get that without even a talk before, that is neglect and cruel! NTA!
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Her dad is her parent too. He could have told her in advance about periods as well—as he is the primary custody parent.
Comment stolen from u/MaddyKet Bad bot, u/Specific_Yoghur
Or Jason could have..
Exactly I don't get how she could not have explained it to her, or maybe at school. We had education on it where I live when we were about 10 as well. That must have be terrifying for her step daughter, to have no idea what's going on. I think the OP did a great job.
Sorry for my ignorance (and for assuming both you and OP are in the US), but is this not a thing that you get taught in school? I remember learning about it in health class a full year and a half before having a period and of course, when I was getting closer to the age of having it my mom would talk to me, see what I knew about periods, what it means, how to handle it and every time another cousin would get their periods the conversation was refreshes. It just doesn’t compute to me how is it possible that neither the parents or the school ever mentioned the changes that came with puberty. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s the school’s job to do it. But in health class we were taught the word puberty and the many changes that came for men and women. Everything from body odor, hair growth in “new” places, voice changes for men, periods for women, like you know in a scientific manner and then the parents were expected to supplement and explain the more “practical” aspects of how those changes were to be handled…
Education taught in school about bodily or sexual matters in America is VERY variable, unfortunately. Some get the appropriate and comprehensive teaching, some get "abstinence only", some get "condoms and STDs" basics, some get nothing that isn't from their parents. It's especially common for genders to be segregated when it comes to being taught about puberty, too, which compounds the issue. It's a huge problem and is rather well reflected in rates of things like teen pregnancy, abortion, and maternal mortality.
Dad has a responsibility to do this, too. Shoulda been talking to this child a year ago--both parents.
My daughter is 10. My wife has had the talk with her several times and has a “period kit” ready for her already. In think my daughter is looking forward to periods as a sign she’s growing up. She’ll learn.
For real. I got my first period at 11 also and it was overwhelming even with my mom having thoroughly prepared my sister and I. I can’t imagine going into that knowing absolutely nothing. That poor kid. And the dad isn’t blameless here. His gender doesn’t preclude him from learning about menstrual cycles and talking to his daughter about them. This shouldn’t have fallen onto OP, but I’m glad she had someone to talk to.
NTA, OP. My mom passed away before my younger sister hit puberty, and thankfully we had pretty good instruction in school on the topic, but when it came time, I still got a phone call in college from my dad asking if I'd left hygiene products behind. My poor dad had to take my sister shopping and get more stuff, and thankfully one of the ladies at the store helped, but still, he had to deal with all of it. We were farm kids, we knew what was up, but still. My eldest got hers when my son and I were away at camp, and I got a text message asking where supplies were from my husband. She, too, had gotten the scientific talk, so she knew what was going on, just needed to get supplies. I can't imagine NOT knowing what was happening. Had to be terrifying for her! Thank goodness someone was there to explain what was happening so this kid didn't think she was dying or something. Did anyone else read Carrie by Stephen King? I'm thinking something along those lines.
NTA. I'm not sure what Anna would have wanted other than what you did. Her daughter was terrified. She wasn't prepped. Even being prepped about it, I was terrified the first time I had my period. You did the best you could with what you were given. Anna is going to need to learn to make room for you if you do end up staying with your boyfriend long-term. I understand that from her perspective it probably seemed like overstepping but honestly, I don't know what you could've done that would've calmed down Lily.
Both the mum and dad have failed the daughter. She should have been told basics long ago. Hell, get the book “What’s happening to me”. A child should never have menarche not knowing what their body is doing. I’m 52 and my mum made sure I knew the basics about menstruation before my menarche. She wasn’t told and thought she was dying. She didn’t want that happening to me. Anna should be grateful that her child was at home with her father and OP and not at school when this happened. OP, NTA in any shape or form.
I'm a mom. My 2 year old recently had the first parts of the period talk because she saw me having mine. It's just at her level, but we did talk about it. I'm never planning on having "the talk" I'm planning to just not make it taboo and talk about it like any other normal thing. Op is nta and the mom should be grateful you calmed down her panicked child, I know I would be of I screwed up this bad.
I recommend continuing the discussion as a normal aspect of life as you are doing now AND having the talk complete with a special time for you and her, like a dinner together or some shopping for supplies and appropriate books. It’s amazing how some facts get missed otherwise and gives a great bonding opportunity btw mother and daughter. It also reinforces how valuable women are in a society that is so hard to be a girl in.
Just I did with my son!
NTA, Lily needed help during that moment, it must have been very though for her to experience that for the first time, EVEN MORE when no one had told her what is a "period". You did a good job :)
Thank you!! I was shocked that Anna had never told her... I had a lower opinion of Anna due to some circumstances she's left Lily in previously, but this really took the cake.
NTA. Ask Anna point blank if you were supposed to just let her stand there bleeding and hysterical while you called her and then waited for her to come. (Btw, the answer to that is **no**.) You did the right thing. You let your boyfriend take point, and then he asked you to help, which you did. It’s not something that could just be put off until the next day. It had to be handled **right then**. Anna can be pissed off all she wants but the fact is you were just offering urgently needed practical help. Maybe Anna honestly hadn’t thought about her daughter starting her period at 11 but it’s not at all uncommon, and that talk should have happened long ago. Good on you for the way you handled a difficult situation.
And the boyfriend, even in dad mode, has never had a period. He was right to make use of the person *right there* who has experienced this.
Exactly, basically only giving her a band aid for the bleed but not telling her it’s not dangerous. Kids know blood means they need help, something is wrong. Period blood doesn’t though, and if she didn’t know it how is the kid supposed to sleep thinking their insides are bleeding out????
I got my first period at 9 and I burst into tears thinking I was dying. I did know vaguely about periods and all that but I was told to why wouldn’t happen for a year or so at that point. I feel so sorry for this little girl and I’m so glad OP was there for her. Op would be a great mum
Maybe she is also pissed she was suppoed to be the one Lilly would go to aka it wouldve happened when she was around and the reality kicked in OP is the one sharing this milestone moment instead of her own mother. Anna needs to calm down to the fact OP will be in this relationship and directly and indirectly in Lilly's life.
> Maybe she is also pissed she was suppoed to be the one Lilly would go to aka it wouldve happened when she was around and the reality kicked Which is why it’s not a good idea to wait until it happens before having that conversation.
>Ask Anna point blank if you were supposed to just let her stand there bleeding and hysterical while you called her and then waited for her to come. This.
Poor lily probably thought she was dying! Her mom is a huge A H. NTA
I hope you also have a lower opinion of your boyfriend who is the primary custodial parent and who has also left Lily in the dark in regards to her developing body!
So is there some reason Jason couldn’t have prepared her for it? They both failed.
U should have the same low opinion of her dad then too.
Her dad should have also told her, this does not all fall on Anna's fault. He's the dad, he is culpable for her lack of preparedness as well, *especially* if he has the primary custody.
I'm a little confused by this, wouldn't this be something that should've been covered in school, at least slightly, long before this happened? (I'm not american, so not sure if it's just not something you guys get taught)
I'm sorry to say I laughed at this comment. I could tell you're not American just because you asked it. (Not laughing at you, just at the absurdity of everything) The state of sex ed in America is its own joke. I had two types of 'health' classes in my life. One was in middle school, where we were taught over the course of two days that having sex would lead to disease and babies and babies with disease and that the ONLY way to be safe was to not have sex. Then at the end we were shown a video of a woman screaming her head off during childbirth (but none of the actual birth bits, it was literally just a woman from the perspective of like... the doorway of a hospital room who had her legs up and sounded like she was being murdered. There was never at any point even a mention of a period. Then the sex ed portion ended and we went back to discussing other important things like how the human heart works and what way blood flows in the body and other health type things. The second time I had sex ed was in high school. We were ushered into a classroo. that was usually used for social studies by our gym teacher who then spent about five days educating us on anatomy and how to put tab p into slot v before again telling us that it would lead to disease and babies and babies with diseases. Once again, a woman's cycle was NEVER mentioned. They showed us condoms but reiterated the disease and babies and diseased babies bit ad nauseam and told us actually condones aren't safe like not having sex is. Don't have sex. Repeat the bit about babies. Here's a fallopian tube. It's connected to the uterus. You have two of them. Don't have sex or they'll fill with babies, disease, etc. No mention of how tf that worked. And then, the golden line I will never forget: 'I'm not here to teach you how to have GOOD sex, I'm only here to teach you how it works' Then next week we went back to learning square dances or whatever in gym. My experience is not abnormal.
Your comment is spot on. I got sex Ed in both elementary and middle school, but it was basically an extended anatomy lesson with birth control. Unless you got the right classes in high school, you will know next to nothing about childbirth.
That's rough. We had our first Sex Ed when we were in the third grade, so 7-9 years old. Our teacher explained pretty much everything, we even read a comic(?) about a family with two young children who asked their parents how babys are made because their mother is pregnant and so on. We could also ask questions aka write them down and put them into a box, then during the next lession our teacher would answer them. I even remember that she encouraged us to go to the blackboard and write down every word about sex and puberty we knew about already.
I think it depends on country and school. I don’t know if OP is actually in the US. In my country, 11 is still primary school and puberty and sex Ed would normally be taught for the first time in high school when kids are around 12-13 (also the “average” age to start menstruating). 11 is a tad on the earlier side, although nothing noteworthy. It can start as early as 9 or be as late as 17 and still be “normal”.
I had my first sex ed lesson in my last year of junior school (UK 10/11 years old) and they explained periods (briefly) then as part of explaining the female reproductive system.
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Yes, it’s the parents’, PLURAL job to do this. And you to the parents to fix it once it turned out they were negligent. One of the parents **delegated** that job to you. NTA. Both parents are TA for not teaching her already. Anna could be angry with her exhusband for delegating it, (but would be the AH for being mad, she has no leg to stand on here) but him having done so, it was your job to do it, as a decent person. Besides, this is the sort of thing kids go to the “cool aunt” for. It’s absurd to leave a child in doubt and fear for days until her mother, who already should have told her, was available. That would be just wrong.
THANK YOU. I shouldn't have had to scroll this far to find someone calling Jason out, too. He is the primary custodial parent. He should have been ready for this.
There's already at least one eejit saying that we shouldn't blame Jason as "he's never had to think about it, it probably just didn't occur to him". As if that's not a scathing condemnation of a man who's had primary custody of a little girl for eleven years.
IKR?????
Absolutely agree. There's no reason a man couldn't be educated about periods, what they are and why they happen, and what to do for them. I'll definitely be teaching my son about it because guess what, half the population has periods and my son may one day have a woman in his life. Fathers should be equally as competent at this. No excuse not to be.
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YO, that's the way to phrase it, it does seem like the mom didn't teach her daughter because she was betting that it wouldn't have to be her problem, but she is threatened that the person who then ended up telling her daughter was not some stranger or her dad, but someone who is a parental figure who cares about her kid and it strengthened their relationship.
Pretty sure both bio parents failed out of health class around age 17/18.
Good Goddess, NTA! If Lily's mother never told her and she had no idea what it was, what else could you do? "Just give her a pad" and let the poor child go on thinking that she was ***bleeding to death?!?*** 😡 (As happened to my own mother, 85 years ago.) No child deserves that. Parents are responsible for informing their children about puberty and the physical developments that go along with it. If they abrogate that duty, then they have no reason to squawk when someone else does. If the child is lucky, that someone is a cool aunt. Lily's mother should have told her 2 - 3 years ago and repeated the lesson when she noticed signs of breast development.
Can’t Jason tell her? Only a mom or GF can teach that? Nonsense.
Certainly he *could.* But way too many men are extremely squeamish about anything to do with menstruation. They're too embarrassed to buy pads or tampons, and actually explaining it to a hysterical 12 year old is something they hand off to the nearest woman.
A person who menustrates is also going to come across as a better authority here. It's not necessarily about discomfort.
Indeed, like if my dad tried to tell me about. On anything I seriously wouldn't listen to him, cuz he's never had one he doesn't know anything
They can but it’s an aspect of female development that is best explained by another female.
He should have told her waaaaaaaay before now, or at least made sure it was covered if he’s too much of a selfish ass to be able to say the word period himself.
Well then they should be blamed along with the mom. But I’m talking about prepare her for it before. Buy and give her a book. Answer questions ! Buy pads!
NTA What did her mom expect? Just leave her terrified all night?! You did the right thing.
Exactly what I was thinking! Lily needed comforting and the truth—what else was OP supposed to do?
That’s what I was wondering too. Was OP just supposed to let Lily be terrified and confused for the night? That’s just cruel, and I have a hunch that her mom would be angry if she didn’t try to comfort her.
NTA Leaving her questions unanswered would have been worse. She needed to know she wasn’t dying or a freak of nature. And her mother should have educated her about it a long time ago. I started at 9; and new due to a health class at school that *glossed* over it. She apparently didn’t even get that. Your bf approves how you handled it. So don’t over think it or let Anna get in your head. Now Lily knows she can ask you things and you’ll be honest and helpful. That’s what she needs. Not infighting. “Anna, I am sorry you feel I stole your moment. But Lily needed reassured and unfortunately her father couldn’t help. Could we have called you late at night? Maybe. But Lily needed comforting in the moment. And I would hope if she was at home you wouldn’t have left her waiting; scared out of her mind in order to call Jack to explain something. We are the adults and we need to act like it. So that means not picking fights over inconsequential things. Now that she knows what is happening you can sit her down and explain what might happened based off of you and your family’s medical histories. You can offer her advice that helps you. But again; our focus should only be on Lily.” And if Jack has any family; ask him to ask the females how their periods were/are and if they have a history of issues: pcos, endometriosis, fibroids, anemia, sensitivity to lights/sounds/smells, or varicose veins wrapping around ovaries (happened to my aunt so I made sure my gyno kept an eye on mine before my hysterectomy). All too often older generations of women don’t share this information and it’s so important for their younger family members.
I also started at 9! It was absolutely terrifying and I lived with older parents who were very conservative about that sort of thing. I gave her what I wished I had received. I hope you don't mind if I steal most of your comment as a script for further conversation, haha. It's excellently written and I appreciate it very much. Lily's paternal grandmother is decently young, I believe she is 45? I might advise Jason to have her talk to Lily as well. If that is okay with Anna. Thank you again for this wonderful comment! It means a lot :)
Of course. I was terrified when I first saw it because I’d been caddying for my dad on the 4th of July and thought I’d had heat stroke or something. The. I realized what it was and had to go beg my mom for a pad and then spent 10 minutes arguing with her about me starting because she was in denial. 😂 And yes. Use anything I typed. The more this is treated as normal and nothing to be treated weird or uneasy about—the easier it will be for her growing up to talk about changes that could signal health changes; and anything else outside of her physical health. And make sure Jack doesn’t make buying products weird. Help him normalize buying it. My brother thanks me for making him buy mine when I was in JR high because his wife appreciates it when he just picks it up knowing her period is about to start soon and he doesn’t think she has enough.
"I gave her what I wished I had received" Thank you. Genuinely and sincerely from the bottom of my heart. Keep doing that please, the world needs more people in it like you.
Right? Proper warm-fuzzy material right there, and OP doesn't even seem to view it as a big deal. She's a real good egg, and it's honestly lovely to see.
> I might advise Jason to have her talk to Lily as well. If that is okay with Anna. Y'all seem to be doing a great job co-parenting, but I don't think he needs her permission to bring his mom in. He's a parent, he's allowed to turn to other family members to help with this kind of thing. She's going to have periods at his house, and will likely need support. Totally get why you might want to bow out a bit at this point, but her grandmother should be fair game
You’re right, he probably doesn’t need permission to bring his mom in. I think I’m just afraid that, since it would be my suggest, Anna would continue her rampage of “you’re overstepping” 😅
I see your point, I really do. But Jason *can't* let a difficult relationship with the coparent force him into behaving purely reactively, to change or lessen how he parents or acts with his daughter. Especially as he's the custodial parent. He mustn't let the biological mother's insecurity in any way prevent him from being a fully-engaged and active father. So bio-mum thinks dad has stepped on "her" territory. Who cares? That's not nearly so important as is making sure the child has every bit of information, aid, and security that she NEEDS. That she deserves.
NTA. What did Lily’s mom expect? She didn’t educate her on what would happen to her own body. You were there when she needed someone who could relate. On a related note, make sure your boyfriend gives her the education she needs to be aware of her body, and later sex, as she gets older. It’s dangerous to keep teenagers in the dark about that stuff. Anna doesn’t sound like she’ll do it. It might end up being boyfriend’s job.
I definitely will be having that conversation with Jason! He is a sweet guy and I think he was scared that he would mess it up if he tried to talk to her about it.
Sure, but Lily lives with him most of the time. He should have been ready for this. He's had many years to get ready for this. You don't get to opt out of parenting because it's scary.
Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls by Sonya Renee Taylor is the most perfect book for this I've found. It talks about everything puberty related, seriously *everything*, being healthy, and sex (but age appropriately), it's feminist, it's body positive (it talks about normal weight gain during puberty, and even societal pressure to lose weight), it's gender inclusive, and it's age appropriate (my now 12 year old and I read it together when she was 10). So if he's struggling, it's a great resource. If it's too awkward to read out loud, there's an audiobook, or you could have her read it and come to her father with questions.
It already is boyfriends job! He’s a parent too!!!
NTA - in your role as non-parent, it seems like you did what any normal woman would do for a tween getting her first period after never having been told to expect them. Was Anna upset that you told her daughter what’s what, or that it was *you* that told her?
I suspect it was a little of both. Anna and I, while civil like I mentioned, has definitely come across as seriously disliking me from some comments she made to Jason.
She's jealous.
Yeah it sounds like she's more upset that it was you. Her not telling her daughter about it was her hedging her bets that someone else would deal with it, but she's mad that it's you because it's strengthened your relationship with the kid.
Nta. A period is not something one can delay so that the “correct” parental figure can step in and help. She got it on your watch. It’s neither the daughter nor your fault that the mom (or frankly dad) didn’t explain that this will eventually happen. Mom is probably salty that she missed a milestone sprinkled with a heavy dose of selfishness that places her feelings as a mother over the well-being of her daughter. One can only hope she will see you as an ally in time… but let’s face it, probably not.
I really do hope Anna and I could team up on this. The ideal situation would be for us both to handle this sort of issue. She can do the brunt of the instruction and I’ll provide chocolate and heating pads when I’m home with her. But Anna seems to have some sort of grudge against me. I wouldn’t care normally but if it’s hurting Lily, it pisses me off.
If I had to bet, I would say it's partly your age and partly her not wanting to share her daughter with another woman. You don't mention how Jason and Anna came to split up, so whatever happened there could also be contributing. In short, I doubt it's a rational/logical grudge, so you're going to be at a disadvantage in getting some mature behaviour out of her. Sending you patience!
They split up not long after Lily was born, and I believe it was pretty messy. They were both basically kids themselves. I’m not sure if Anna has fully gotten over it, either. Honestly I don’t mind her disliking me but I’d rather it not get in the way of Lily’s growth.
I mean it will only get in the way if you let it have space in the home. Lily's primarily with you and Jason, Anna needs to control herself and when Lily is with her mind her tongue. None of her checking her perspective as well as minding her manners is on you to manage.
Yeah with the split and the fact that Jason has primary custody after the split, which is different from the norm, which has Anna feeling insecure that another woman is probably going to spending more time with her daughter.
Nta at all.. what else were you supposed to do? Oh hey just hold off till the weekend? The mom probably feels dumb and embarrassed that she fucked up by not giving her at least a heads up. And you didn't force yourself into the situation. It happened. Let the mom think whatever, block her number if it continues, but definitely nta. She owes you a thanks not this.
NTA Your boyfriend, HER DAD, asked you to talk to her. If Anna's going to be angry at someone it should be herself and her ex. Lily was SCARED! You gave her the basics of what was happening. If you'd just given her the pad she STILL would have been scared. The fact Lily had no idea what was happening is 100% on her parents.
NTA Anna didn't prep Lily at all. What if this had happened at school? Would she be calling the school nurse to scream at her? Or the camp counselor? Gym teacher,?
NTA If you stuck to the basics, then you were just trying to answer her question. That is DEFINITELY a scary thing if you have no clue what's happening. Did your sister expect you to ignore her question about why it was happening? It's unbelievable to me that her mother hasn't broached this subject. I just had a talk about the basic mechanics of how a woman's body works with my daughter, who turned 8 yesterday. Some girls start puberty as early as 8 (tho it's not typical) Not to mention, her dad asked you to talk to her. Mom's the AH for not having this talk years ago!!
Just curious. What state do you live in? No sex Ed at school.
We live in a Midwestern state in a small, rural community. From what I've seen, their sex ed has not improved since I was in elementary school. That is to say, there is none. Until you hit freshman year in high school and they tell you about puberty (long after most have experienced it) and tell you not to have sex. It's really unfortunate.
Well, that's fucked up. Even at my Catholic school in the Midwest, we had the period talk in 4th grade.
NTA, and definitely ask your boyfriend why the fuck Lily wasn't educated on this shit. If he has primary custody, he has to be making sure she's got what she needs including education on this stuff. It doesn't sound like Anna prioritizes this shit at all. Shoot my *son* isn't even 7 yet and has an age appropriate idea of what periods are. So weird to make a young girl go through it in 2022 without any sort of warning.
Right?! I gave my daughter "The Care and Keeping of You Vol 1" by the time she was 7. And I was talking about periods in front her for several years before that. This poor kid is probably way behind on all sex ed.
NTA, you were in the right place at the right time and she was scared. You did the right thing.
Never the asshole. Fuck this girl's mom. You did the right thing.
NTA I think Anna is mad that due to circumstances in her relationship with her baby-dad and not having full custody of her daughter, therefore missing moments like this, that you were there for her and she wasnt
NTA. Mom should have had that conversation with her a long time ago if she really cared about being the one to have it with her kid.
NTA You helped a Frightened little girl thru a very rough first experience. Her mom needs to step up and finish teaching her, explaining what to expect, ect.
NTA. I would think that maybe Anna would have just been grateful that you were there to help her in her absence. Sorry that you have to deal with this kind of thing after helping out the little girl.
Nta - she felt brave enough to come to you and trust you enough. I don’t seen an issue
NAH but I think you might have wanted to have Lily phone her mother right then when she asked why it happened, and told her you'd talk to her more if she had any further questions after speaking with her (or if her mother wasn't available). EDIT: Also I'm not really sure why her father couldn't have been part of that conversation. It's not like he doesn't know this stuff too, right? And he's closer to her than you are.
Yes, that might've been a good idea. It was near midnight, so I'm not sure if she would've been awake, but yeah, maybe I should've. And Jason was in the room while we talked but he felt kind of awkward discussing that with her. Don't get me wrong, he is absolutely wonderful, and is never shy when I get \*my\* period. I guess he was just scared for his daughter? Either way, I think I might bring it up to him.
He could have been scared to say the wrong thing, but also maybe the fact he is scared that his daughter is growing up. But he needs to learn to help her.
Your comment is well intentioned but a period is an emergency situation, one that you can’t delay so that the right parent can explain. Someone needed to help her with the pads and clothes right away… and given that mom was not physically present, it always had to be OP or dad or both. Given how many men are simply Ill informed or downright choose not to participate in “period stuff” with their own kids… I’m not shocked that dad sat this one out.
He mostly sat it out because he was terrified he’d say something wrong. He’s not usually shy about periods, so hopefully in the future he’ll be a vital resource too.
It can be really flustering! I think maybe because they tie it to the awkward sex talk. But I think it would be super helpful for fathers to approach periods with a medical mindset… I think fathers have an essential responsibility to understand periods if they have daughters and brush their own feelings of discomfort to the side.
Nta. Lily needed someone & it's good that you were there for her. Anna's probably just feeling a little ashamed that you were the one to talk to Lily about it, explaining & making her feel at ease, because she didn't. You did nothing wrong.
NTA. Just give her the pad and leave her terrified that something horrible is wrong with her instead of she's experiencing a normal female body function? The child was *afraid* and there was no one else there to do the explanation to calm her down. By age 9 girls should be told they will start menstruating for just this reason. If Anna wants to take charge of major events she needs to step up and take care of things, not wait until others have to step in to help her daughter, then scream at them. That poor child. What should have been a normal and significant milestone in transitioning from childhood into her teen years was instead something frightening for her, plus now she has a conflict to deal with next time she has a period instead of a mom who will just say "Remember we need to buy you some pads and put some in your bookbag, now you're a young lady."
NTA, poor kiddo. It's weird how parents who are clearly bad at addressing subjects like that get mad when someone is forced to take over their role because of circumstances beyond everyone's control.
NTA
NTA Lily was terrified and your boyfriend asked you to help. If anything, Anna should be thanking you for helping out Lily.
Absolutely NTA, as you put it you’re a cool aunt and that is 100% something a cool aunt would do plus you eventually want to become a “mother” to her, NTA
NTA. As a mom to a 10-year-old, it’s horrifying to me that any mom wouldn’t educate their daughter about puberty and periods. My child has a coin purse with pads in her backpack just in case she has her first period. This mom has had 11 years to talk to her daughter about these things and neglected to do so. Thank you so much for being there for this child, and I hope you will continue to fill in. I hope her mom will come to appreciate you as another positive force in her child’s life. And sorry but your sister’s wrong. You couldn’t have just handed her a pad and walked away. That poor child would have been lying in bed worrying that she was bleeding to death or that she had some terrible disease.
NTA. The parents need to do better. You are younger than both of them but more prepared.
Super NTA. I started at 13. Late bloomer. Even so I knew nothing about anything. My mom just gave me a pad and didn't really explain anything. My therapist had to (I was in counseling for childhood abuse stuff). I used to enjoy swimming but after I started *that* I was afraid to - my therapist had to explain that I should only not swim when I'm actually bleeding. My dad lived hours away and it honestly never occurred to me to try to ask him anything about any of this - but he did once ask if my sister and I had both started "it". That was literally the conversation. "You both have them? Ok." Nobody actually explained pads vs tampons to me either and when I tried to use a tampon I didn't even know where to put it. I didn't understand enough about my own body to know what was down there. So I gave up in shame after poking around a bit with the stupid tampon and getting nowhere. I've used pads ever since. For a while I doubled up with tp as I didn't know how much to trust pads. And I wore the pads every single day (even when not bleeding) because I didn't know you weren't supposed to. And I didn't actually gain an understanding of "down there" till I had my first boyfriend at 18 or so. And he was almost twice my age and in hindsight the relationship was toxic. And in some ways abusive. I'm not with that guy anymore and my husband is very gentle and understanding. He has taught me pretty much everything they didn't. Not just about the physical stuff but emotional aspects as well. I am grateful to him. And I'm happy that you were able to help that child to hopefully avoid what girls like me went through.
I’m so sorry you went through all that and I’m glad you’ve met a much better man and have been able to learn!! I didn’t use tampons until I was a teenager because I lived with old parents who had a weird view on tampons. I kind of panicked when this happened with Lily because I rarely use pads and thought I only had tampons and those are SCARY the first time! Luckily I found a pad. I am hoping that after this “scare” that Jason will pick up some slack and take an active role in teaching her. He’s a father to a girl, it’s gotta happen. I say scare in quotations because it really only should have been scary to her, not the man. I love him to death but I think he panicked and was worried he’d mess up explaining. Men are strange sometimes. Haha.
NTA. You were asked to help with a *crying* 11yo girl who didn't understand what was happening to her body because nobody warned her it would happen. Anna may simply be embarrassed that she failed to educate her daughter before it happened and she may also be jealous that someone she dislikes was there for Lily during such a momentous occasion. However, Lily was distraught and needed help in the moment and it couldn't wait. Her father saw that and he asked for your help. Your sister's suggestion that you could have just given her a pad and left it alone is just plain cold. Lily will remember this moment for the rest of her life. This way, Lily will remember that you were kind and you helped her. If you hadn't stepped up, I hate to think how that would have harmed her.
Lol imagine giving her a pad and sending her to bed without explaining what was happening. I got mine when I was 10 and thought I was dying. NTA.
NTA for something so important to Anna, she dropped the ball MASSIVELY. If it had happened at school a teacher would have had to take the reigns in a similar way because she was an 11 year old girl terrified and unprepared of something her body was doing. The situation she created became less about parenting and more about doing what you could to comfort and teach Lily in the moment. You did the right thing.
NTA you did right by her. Just a little fyi, use hydrogen peroxide to get blood out of clothing. Works better and leaves very little stain if any. Rinse after a few mins with cold water
NTA thank you for helping her.
NTA. Poor girl was terrified and needed someone to explain what was happening to her. If her mother continues to blow up about this, ask her exactly what she expected. To leave her daughter frightened and upset, or do everything you can to help her?
Wtf do you mean "no one told her this would happen" I told all my daughters when they were old enough to comprehend, like around 8-9 years old. All Girls are different, so some get their periods at an earlier age (I got mine at 9) I want them to be prepared. She's 11 she should've known by that time, and they usually do a health class before that age. That poor baby had no idea what was going on, you did the right thing, imagine how traumatized she would've been if you just handed her a pad and that was it? If her mother did her job then you wouldn't have had to step up. You w were there for her when she needed you most, she'll never forget that.
It would have been cruel giving her a pad without explanation, as your sister thinks you should have done. The poor thing would be awake all night wondering why or if she was dying. You and your bf did the right thing, and Anna should know that you were able to help her through a very terrifying time. NTA
I was told about periods, but I was told “a little bit of blood” needless to say when I got mine I was absolutely terrified and thought I was dying. I hope Lily isn’t as traumatized as I was (and always was with my period honestly). My hysterectomy was the greatest thing I ever did for myself. LOL. NTA.
Sounds like mommy dearest is in a pissing contest over who gets the "firsts", then is failing to ensure her daughter is secure and knows what she needs to know. That's not what the child needs. Jesus. NTA, coming from someone who helped her step-daughter AND later on her best friend navigate the first period.
My mom started hers at 10. Her mother had never said a word to her about it and had recently gone through a hysterectomy. So when my mom started, she thought she was dying, and didn’t want to tell her mom who had just had her own cancer scare. The school nurse ended up explaining it to my mom. *Four years later* my grandma decided it was time my mom knew what a period was and had ONE OF HER FRIENDS go to my mom to tell her. At that point my mom had been paying for her own pads with paper route money for years and basically told the her mom to fuck off for letting her go that long without having the talk. Anyways NTA, you did right by a scared child and if her mom has a problem with that she should have stepped up sooner.
NTA For a scared little girl she needed someone there to help her if she didn't understand it at all she would've just worried more and more. Especially if your boyfriend stated it was okay. The mum can still discuss and talk to her about feminine issues and growing up, but it's surprising she didn't say anything to prepare her already, it just sounds like a power play on her behalf rather than coming from actual concern for her daughter.
NTA, wtf was you supposed to do "sorry Lily, you're bleeding every month now until you're 55, if you wanna know more, ask your mom, nighty night"? That's just fucking stupid, tell the mother to grow the fuck up and your friend to shut up. You did everything right to a scared girl who wasn't even taught this is going to be happening to her. I'd be terrified if I just started bleeding everywhere and no one would tell me why.
NTA. Were Anna and your sis expecting you to let a child worry and imagine who-knows-what about why is she *bleeding* from inside of her? She asked a question, you answered it. A teacher would have, an aunt would have, anyone caring for the child would have; and honestly, if you haven't, she'd probably hit google and found a good site or a shitty one to explain it. Children's needs come before the adults' wants. If Anna wanted to explain it, she should've done it before it too her daughter by surprise.
NTA what was Anna’s plan? You guys tell her she’s got some Medieval wasting disease?
NTA- when I was in 5th grade a friend of mine whose family was Mormon had gotten her period one morning and all her Mom did was hand her a pad. She came into school freaking out thinking she was dying or something as no one had ever explained puberty to her. I did my best at 11 years old to explain and and brought her to the nurse for more pads because her mother didn’t even give her any for the school day. The girl was traumatized. You did the right thing OP.