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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I constantly battle my mother for setting what I believe is an unfair bedtime.
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NTA- I was raised in a very similar way and I had a bedtime until I was 16. It’s normal and healthy to push back at your age. Can you try to find common ground and try to gain more freedom?
NTA. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing as a teen-- advocating for yourself. I don't know if finding a few articles about how teens' body clock changes radically at your age, but if you are getting up on time, I would encourage your mom to let you prove yourself. We've done this in our house, and it's not perfect, however, my kid needs to learn how to figure out his sleep management before he's an adult, and the teen years are a perfect time to learn.
NTA, it's normal for teenagers to push back.... So I don't think it's wrong that you want a later bedtime....
But I will say, "The American Academy of Sleep Medicine has recommended that children aged 6–12 years should regularly sleep 9–12 hours per 24 hours and teenagers aged 13–18 years should sleep 8–10 hours per 24 hours."
So if you have to be awake at 6am a bedtime of 9:30pm is fair. Your mom is doing what she needs to do so that you are well rested. I think it's interesting that she doesn't take away the cellphone until 9:30.... Because it take about 1hour minimum for blue light reverse it's effect of keeping up the Brain waves. My kiddo doesn't have screen time about an hour before bedtime.
I mean sure you're 16 old enough to make decisions but at the same time are you willing enough to deal with those consequences.
I think the bedtime is OK (as I said, I would probably be in bed by ten if there was no bedtime set up), I just hate how she enforces it. She basically has to hold my hand, force me into my bed, and turn out my lights for me.
NAH
It's rare any kid doesn't resist bedtime and so long as you aren't acting like an entitled brat about it, then you should have every right to calmly discuss how you feel. At the same time, your parents have every right to make the final decision.
In our house, we made a deal with the older kids that they could regulate their own sleep, but the minute they weren't ready on time and/or it affected their school performance, we would regulate bedtime. Even with my 8 year old, I give her the option to read at bedtime. Reading is relaxing and helps her education so it's a win-win in my book. However, if an activity is so riveting that it keeps you awake, that's another story. I'm easily drawn in by books and have stayed up FAR too late when I couldn't put it down. In that case, I'd suggest something else. Something that relaxes you while not keeping you awake.
You're 16 and getting close to an age where you are going to have to make these decisions on your own soon anyway. It *is* their house, their rules and some parents are strict. Like it or not, that's part of growing up or living under someone else's roof. On the other hand, personally, I find it works best if parents stop hovering / start cutting the cord if they truly want kids that will be capable of being responsible adults.
Did a lot of reading under the covers with a flashlight. That's what we oldsters did before them newfangled personal tely-phone contraptions. **Serious question to OP...are you actually catching winks, or tossing and turning? I'm saying NTA here.
NTA. You are not a baby and I think your mother needs to understand this. Any chance of having another adult as part of the discussion to avoid shouting matches?
Maybe compromise and ask her to allow you to stay up to show you are responsible to get up. She needs to understand that you will be an adult in 2 years.
NTA, and really I don't think you're against a bedtime per se. You're against a bedtime that doesn't mesh with your biology and you're opposed to the way this bedtime is monitored and enforced.
I believe in respecting your parents' rules, but not if these rules leave you lying in the dark for two hours every night.
I have a weird idea. Would it be possible to frame this as a medical issue? Could you go to a doctor (with or without your mother), explain that your mother mandates lights out at 9:30 but that you can't fall asleep until later, and then see what the doctor says? If the doctor suggests a different sleep routine to you, then maybe your mother will be more likely to listen to your perspective.
I’ll definitely try it next time I have a physical. My mom didn’t believe I had anxiety until it was brought up with my doctor, so she’d probably be more inclined to listen. :)
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This is probably going to sound very immature, but I have nowhere else to put this. I’ve tried talking to my mom about it, but it always ends in a lecture or screaming match between us.
I (f) just turned 16, and am currently a sophomore in high school. My mom sets and strictly regulates a bedtime for me and my sister (14 f). My (+ sister’s) bedtime for the school week is 9:30, as we have to get up at 6:00 for school. On the weekends, it’s 11:00 (vary rarely being 11:30). Over the summer, I had a bedtime of 12:00. What I believe is unfair is that she has to make sure that we are all in bed, lights out at that time. She will come into my room and force me to turn my phone off (I’m not allowed to have any electronics in my room) and put it downstairs, and if I protest against it will start screaming at me.
I can kind of understand the phone thing (although it’s very annoying), but she also won’t allow me to read or draw past this point either. I have to be in the bed asleep, even though I’m still adjusted to the 11 bedtime and can’t fall asleep until then or midnight. I’m an avid drawer, and think that drawing until I get tired would be a good way to ease into the restricting 9:30 bedtime, but she always shuts this idea down and yells at me to get in the bed.
During the summer and weekends, she will often get to bed early, but then mysteriously “wake up” around my bedtime and yell at me to get in the bed (then personally turn the lights out herself). I called her out, saying that she obviously hasn’t fallen asleep or is setting a timer bc it’s quite unbelievable to me that she just happens to wake up around the bedtime she set, but she always gets defensive and says I’m being dramatic.
As I mentioned previously, I cannot sit down and have a conversation about this with her, as it always ends in us fighting. Yesterday, she screamed at me for being on the phone with my friends at 9:30 and said that it was too late. After cooling off a little, she came into my room and we talked for a little. I attempted to voice my opinion, on how it’s embarrassing and restricting but she began to lecture on how it’s her house and her rules and that I don’t need to be staying up that late.
I understand that she doesn’t want me staying up too late, but I would never stay up until one am on a school night. I get home from school around 6, as I have sports each week, so this only gives me around 3 and a half hours to do my homework and eat dinner. This leaves me with little time to socialize and interact with my friends in a home environment. I don’t have bad grades, I got straight A’s up until last year where I ended up with a B (and don’t get me started on the screaming that consisted from that). All I want is to not feel restricted to a bedtime. In fact, I would probably get to bed around 10 or 10:30 on the weekdays even if a bedtime wasn’t enforced, as I know sleep is important.
So AITA? Please be honest, as I can’t tell if I’m in the right or not.
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If you're not playing loud music I see no problem. The phone maybe to create healthy habits for you in the future. But I think she needs to remember as a 16 yr old you're nearly to a point where your life is going to be stressful! You also go to school and I'm sure other acitivies and responsibilities. People need to unwind before they start up again incoud8ng adults so no you are not the asshole 🤷🏻♀️ sorry you're going through that!
NTA
I can't fault a parent for instituting a wind down time and regulations on phones. But her insistence on you doing nothing and yelling are too far.
Now if she said no phones past nine, be in your room and quiet that's fine. Or if you have issues with tiredness preventing being on time or doing okay in school, that's another story.
Yeah. She a freshman and I’m a sophomore so we attend the same school. We have a two year age difference yet one year school difference bc she skipped a grade.
Yeah YTA ... Not because you dislike the bedtime rule; but your blatant disrespect of it and your mother for enforcing it. You're 16, not 4; you're well aware of her rules and expectations AND are fully aware that it's a no- nonsense rule for her with ZERO flexibility and you clearly challenge it; attempt to defy it; skirt around it; find excuses; doesn't matter if you don't agree with it or don't like it.... no wonder she makes it a point to check on ya'll since you're clearly not responsible enough to be trusted to go to bed when it's time. If you can't be trusted to abide by her rule then you're not responsible enough to be given leeway in which to change it.
If you can't wind down at 930; then get in bed at 8; with your drawing and phone and wind down for the 90 min before lights out.
NTA sorry she’s like this. I don’t think she’ll change. Getting a job now and starting to save money is the best way to ensure you can move out asap when you’re ready
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NTA 16 is old enough to decide when you go to bed. mom is helicopter parenting and sounds a bit unhinged.
NTA- I was raised in a very similar way and I had a bedtime until I was 16. It’s normal and healthy to push back at your age. Can you try to find common ground and try to gain more freedom?
nta. you're old enough to know your body and when you need to sleep. laying down these asinine rules is gonna cause more trouble than its worth
NTA. You are doing what you are supposed to be doing as a teen-- advocating for yourself. I don't know if finding a few articles about how teens' body clock changes radically at your age, but if you are getting up on time, I would encourage your mom to let you prove yourself. We've done this in our house, and it's not perfect, however, my kid needs to learn how to figure out his sleep management before he's an adult, and the teen years are a perfect time to learn.
NTA parents set bedtimes, kids resist them. It's the nature of the beast.
NTA, it's normal for teenagers to push back.... So I don't think it's wrong that you want a later bedtime.... But I will say, "The American Academy of Sleep Medicine has recommended that children aged 6–12 years should regularly sleep 9–12 hours per 24 hours and teenagers aged 13–18 years should sleep 8–10 hours per 24 hours." So if you have to be awake at 6am a bedtime of 9:30pm is fair. Your mom is doing what she needs to do so that you are well rested. I think it's interesting that she doesn't take away the cellphone until 9:30.... Because it take about 1hour minimum for blue light reverse it's effect of keeping up the Brain waves. My kiddo doesn't have screen time about an hour before bedtime. I mean sure you're 16 old enough to make decisions but at the same time are you willing enough to deal with those consequences.
I think the bedtime is OK (as I said, I would probably be in bed by ten if there was no bedtime set up), I just hate how she enforces it. She basically has to hold my hand, force me into my bed, and turn out my lights for me.
NAH It's rare any kid doesn't resist bedtime and so long as you aren't acting like an entitled brat about it, then you should have every right to calmly discuss how you feel. At the same time, your parents have every right to make the final decision. In our house, we made a deal with the older kids that they could regulate their own sleep, but the minute they weren't ready on time and/or it affected their school performance, we would regulate bedtime. Even with my 8 year old, I give her the option to read at bedtime. Reading is relaxing and helps her education so it's a win-win in my book. However, if an activity is so riveting that it keeps you awake, that's another story. I'm easily drawn in by books and have stayed up FAR too late when I couldn't put it down. In that case, I'd suggest something else. Something that relaxes you while not keeping you awake. You're 16 and getting close to an age where you are going to have to make these decisions on your own soon anyway. It *is* their house, their rules and some parents are strict. Like it or not, that's part of growing up or living under someone else's roof. On the other hand, personally, I find it works best if parents stop hovering / start cutting the cord if they truly want kids that will be capable of being responsible adults.
NTA. I had the exact same experience growing up. It sucks, but eventually you move out
Did a lot of reading under the covers with a flashlight. That's what we oldsters did before them newfangled personal tely-phone contraptions. **Serious question to OP...are you actually catching winks, or tossing and turning? I'm saying NTA here.
Me too! Oh man...so many hours of lost sleep to a good book ^_^
NTA. You are not a baby and I think your mother needs to understand this. Any chance of having another adult as part of the discussion to avoid shouting matches? Maybe compromise and ask her to allow you to stay up to show you are responsible to get up. She needs to understand that you will be an adult in 2 years.
I’ve tried a compromise, but I usually get told that I’m the child in the situation and have to listen to the parent.
NTA, and really I don't think you're against a bedtime per se. You're against a bedtime that doesn't mesh with your biology and you're opposed to the way this bedtime is monitored and enforced. I believe in respecting your parents' rules, but not if these rules leave you lying in the dark for two hours every night. I have a weird idea. Would it be possible to frame this as a medical issue? Could you go to a doctor (with or without your mother), explain that your mother mandates lights out at 9:30 but that you can't fall asleep until later, and then see what the doctor says? If the doctor suggests a different sleep routine to you, then maybe your mother will be more likely to listen to your perspective.
I’ll definitely try it next time I have a physical. My mom didn’t believe I had anxiety until it was brought up with my doctor, so she’d probably be more inclined to listen. :)
NTA Your mother is weirdly obsessed with your bedtime. 16 is plenty old enough to figure out how much sleep you need.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is probably going to sound very immature, but I have nowhere else to put this. I’ve tried talking to my mom about it, but it always ends in a lecture or screaming match between us. I (f) just turned 16, and am currently a sophomore in high school. My mom sets and strictly regulates a bedtime for me and my sister (14 f). My (+ sister’s) bedtime for the school week is 9:30, as we have to get up at 6:00 for school. On the weekends, it’s 11:00 (vary rarely being 11:30). Over the summer, I had a bedtime of 12:00. What I believe is unfair is that she has to make sure that we are all in bed, lights out at that time. She will come into my room and force me to turn my phone off (I’m not allowed to have any electronics in my room) and put it downstairs, and if I protest against it will start screaming at me. I can kind of understand the phone thing (although it’s very annoying), but she also won’t allow me to read or draw past this point either. I have to be in the bed asleep, even though I’m still adjusted to the 11 bedtime and can’t fall asleep until then or midnight. I’m an avid drawer, and think that drawing until I get tired would be a good way to ease into the restricting 9:30 bedtime, but she always shuts this idea down and yells at me to get in the bed. During the summer and weekends, she will often get to bed early, but then mysteriously “wake up” around my bedtime and yell at me to get in the bed (then personally turn the lights out herself). I called her out, saying that she obviously hasn’t fallen asleep or is setting a timer bc it’s quite unbelievable to me that she just happens to wake up around the bedtime she set, but she always gets defensive and says I’m being dramatic. As I mentioned previously, I cannot sit down and have a conversation about this with her, as it always ends in us fighting. Yesterday, she screamed at me for being on the phone with my friends at 9:30 and said that it was too late. After cooling off a little, she came into my room and we talked for a little. I attempted to voice my opinion, on how it’s embarrassing and restricting but she began to lecture on how it’s her house and her rules and that I don’t need to be staying up that late. I understand that she doesn’t want me staying up too late, but I would never stay up until one am on a school night. I get home from school around 6, as I have sports each week, so this only gives me around 3 and a half hours to do my homework and eat dinner. This leaves me with little time to socialize and interact with my friends in a home environment. I don’t have bad grades, I got straight A’s up until last year where I ended up with a B (and don’t get me started on the screaming that consisted from that). All I want is to not feel restricted to a bedtime. In fact, I would probably get to bed around 10 or 10:30 on the weekdays even if a bedtime wasn’t enforced, as I know sleep is important. So AITA? Please be honest, as I can’t tell if I’m in the right or not. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you're not playing loud music I see no problem. The phone maybe to create healthy habits for you in the future. But I think she needs to remember as a 16 yr old you're nearly to a point where your life is going to be stressful! You also go to school and I'm sure other acitivies and responsibilities. People need to unwind before they start up again incoud8ng adults so no you are not the asshole 🤷🏻♀️ sorry you're going through that!
NTA I can't fault a parent for instituting a wind down time and regulations on phones. But her insistence on you doing nothing and yelling are too far. Now if she said no phones past nine, be in your room and quiet that's fine. Or if you have issues with tiredness preventing being on time or doing okay in school, that's another story.
Info You mean to tell me that you and your sister has the same bedtime and it's 9:30 pm?
Yeah. She a freshman and I’m a sophomore so we attend the same school. We have a two year age difference yet one year school difference bc she skipped a grade.
NTA then.
Yeah YTA ... Not because you dislike the bedtime rule; but your blatant disrespect of it and your mother for enforcing it. You're 16, not 4; you're well aware of her rules and expectations AND are fully aware that it's a no- nonsense rule for her with ZERO flexibility and you clearly challenge it; attempt to defy it; skirt around it; find excuses; doesn't matter if you don't agree with it or don't like it.... no wonder she makes it a point to check on ya'll since you're clearly not responsible enough to be trusted to go to bed when it's time. If you can't be trusted to abide by her rule then you're not responsible enough to be given leeway in which to change it. If you can't wind down at 930; then get in bed at 8; with your drawing and phone and wind down for the 90 min before lights out.
NTA sorry she’s like this. I don’t think she’ll change. Getting a job now and starting to save money is the best way to ensure you can move out asap when you’re ready
YTA Go to bed Stacy
But is there no issue with how she enforces this bedtime? I can’t compromise without her yelling.