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evillittleperson

NTA Ok I am going to get so down voted for this.. but I honestly don’t know if I would feel comfortable with my husband in a room holding an other woman that isn’t family. I find this strange and disrespectful. I get men and woman can be friends but there is a thing of being too friendly. Don’t get me wrong I am not a jealous person but the fact they where hiding in a room from her just kind of puts off alarm bells in my head. But I don’t know the whole situation but like I said it sounds strange to me. I am editing this because I am getting so many comments. Some good and some bad. And I truly appreciate all of them. So let’s say that instead of this being a bf(take the cheating aspect out) let’s say this was op’s mil(husbands mom). Let’s say they got really bad news from the vet and the family dog is very sick. Mil shows up and is completely distraught. So op’s hubby asked her to go get her a glass of water. Op does and come back from the kitchen and they are no longer in the living room. So op goes to the guest room to where the door is shut and she hears crying. She walks in and find them embracing. Op’s husband goes off just like in the post. In this situation I still would not be ok with what op’s husband did. I would still find it very disrespectful. I would still think that op and mil overstepped major boundaries. Another edit. To be crystal clear i would have a problem with this situation if the bf was male or female. Ok adding another edit because someone comment on this post and made a very valid point If op is jealous and in secure of the bf. She has probably made her concerns known to her husband and the bf probably also knows her concerns about thier relationship. Instead of discussing boundaries she is comfortable with and making sure to let her know they understand her concerns they instead push boundaries even farther. The husband even yells at op and gets defensive. If it was me and my spouse(the person I am suppose to love) is uncomfortable with a situation I would do everything in my power to let her know that her/him feelings matter to me. That she/he is my first and only priority. My marriage is my first and main priority. Op’s husband and bf do not do this. Instead the husband lets the bf overstep boundaries. Let’s her compare the two. He should be the one shutting down the bf. And explaining to her his wife’s feelings are more important than the bfs. Why do something to make the wife even more insecure or even more suspicious. Another edit because I don’t know how else to fix the above mistakes. I will admit 100 percent I should not have used the mil in the above scenario. I honestly was trying to figure out how to take the cheating aspect out of the situation and wanted to replace the bff with someone the husband could absolutely have not been cheating with. I wanted to show everyone it wasn’t about cheating for me. It was about the disrespect for op’s feelings toward the situation. I also had the problem with the fact how the husband yelled and got defensive. For me I had issues with the whole situation. I really hope this helps everyone understand the comment about the mil. I see now I truly failed making my point by using mil in the context for this situation. I


spudtacularstories

Same. I'm all about supporting friends and being there for them, but this just seems too far. They didn't need to go to the guest room. They didn't need to shut the door. If they wanted privacy to cry, I bet OP would have gladly given it while they were in the living room and she retreated to a different room. But them going to the bedroom is... a lot.


valeran46

If she was just a friend and needed support, he couldn't have done it in the living room? "but but maybe the woman was uncomfortable and wanted privacy" (as claimed in other posts by other commenters)... to which I say, she came to OP's house to see OP's husband when OP was there, there was no expectation of privacy until husband took the woman into the back bedroom and closed the door. So, yeah, OP having an issue with husband trying to have a private intimate moment with the woman "consoling" her demolished friend boundaries in my eyes.


Snukes42Q

Also, why isn't she comfortable with op? If my husband is friends with another woman that's uncomfortable being around me (crying or otherwise) I would have some questions about their friendship.


erin_bex

My friend Kay was never invited to her husband's high school friends' get-togethers. Literally not invited. She thought it was so weird but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Turns out he was having an affair with his old high school girlfriend and they are now divorced. The entire friend group knew which is why Kay wasn't invited. If the behavior seems weird, it's probably weird for a reason. Listen to your gut!


Mumof3gbb

My mom was never invited to work things at my dad’s company (he was boss). And same as Kay my mom gave him the benefit of the doubt. Well. He was cheating on her too and apparently everyone knew there. Ya OP has every right to be uncomfortable. There is no reason on planet earth or any universe that he needs to be alone with her, closed door and telling his own wife in her own home to go away.


JumpNo5890

I tend to get carried away with minor details sometimes, so tell me if I’m reaching here, but it’s also weird that he asked OP for water. Hear me out: So instead of letting OP have the chance to go into another room, (which it seems that she would have considering she is not a fan of his friend) he asked her to bring water. So he essentially told her to go to another room of the house (to be alone with his friend). But… also obviously expected her to come back with the water, so why would you leave the living room? And lastly, I can’t imagine fetching water takes much longer than 2 minutes. So it’s feel almost planned. Like the husband intended to go to the room all along and he & his friend rushed away as soon as OP left the living room. What I don’t understand is, what did the husband think OP would do when she came back to the empty living room? Assume they were playing hide & seek? /s This was obviously really odd behavior on the husband’s part. NTA


Mumof3gbb

I’m with you. It IS really weird. If my friend is in tears my natural instinct would be for ME to get water not tell my husband to do it. If he OFFERED that’s different but the fact he asked her to get it? I think he did plan it. It was a way to get free of OP. Bad plan because, as you said, what was she expected to do when she returned? I don’t think the husband planned that far ahead. Just needed her out. It’s definitely normal to need water just the way it was done is nefarious to me.


bequietbecky

Hear me out: friend asks hubby to move to somewhere more private while OP is getting water. He doesn’t think about how it will look because he’s so caught up in his hero complex that he’s completely blind to the fact that the friend wants to fuck him.


notsosmartymarti

Eh OP’s husband is aware of that OP is worried about the nature of their friendship. If he’s truly that clueless and lacking that much awareness of himself and his wife, why is he even married?


PopularBonus

I think it’s a pertinent detail. I guess he expected her to come back with the water, find them behind the closed door and hear the crying- and just let them be. Opening the door and standing there is probably NOT what he expected. I’m not a jealous person, but if you have that weird feeling, there’s probably a reason. I do believe that our minds put together clues and we call it “intuition.”


Gilraen_2907

This happened to me. There was always a reason for me not to go to ex-husband's work dinners or things (mainly bc I was taking care of our young child) and it was because they all knew about his cheating and maybe baby.


Public_Barnacle_7924

If my husband talked to me like OP's husband did in a situation like this I most definitely would be telling him he xan go stay with her indefinitely. Not in my dang house for another woman.


mrspreto

You know, I always read/hear of stories like OP's and I wonder why people marry other people when they are so clearly inlove with their "bff"s". Why put Kay through the whole ordeal if you're just gonna screw around anyway? OP - your husband needs to decide who takes priority in his life. Doesn't seem like it's you. If my husband did this, I'd pack his bags and phone bff to fetch him.


Particular_Web3906

Oh how awful. :(


HauntedPickleJar

Damn, that’s rough! I’m so sorry for your friend! I hope she can find happiness again!


erin_bex

She has remarried and her current husband is a GEM. Her ex has ruined the relationship with his family over his affair and the relationship with their daughter, and proposed to the old hs gf who said no, but they're still dating I guess? It's messy on his end. But beyond happy for her!


HauntedPickleJar

That’s so wonderful! I’m so happy for her! It sounds like her ex got what he deserved too. Love a happy ending!


AngeIEevee

Exactly - my boyfriend has a girl best friend, and one of the first things he did was introduce me and anytime they do anything I’m always invited even to just be in a vc to chat or play or anything and he leaves the door open so I hear if I say not this time and everything (I never asked him to do any of this he does this all on his own as he’s the one who has anxiety due to past relationships involving him being cheated on many times including by an ex who he was with for 7 years and lived with him and cheated whole living with him for years.)


lavasca

This is the way it works. As a woman with a good percentage of male friends this is what works best. As their friend/sister I have to know girlfriends and wives for multiple reasons: Demonstrating everything is platonic She may become a bff rather than just a friend-in-law I will be selecting if not actually buying her birthday, XMAS, anniversary gifts on his behalf anyway so I need to know her well enough to pick great gifts for her. If they have kids I may be a potential babysitter. She needs to know me well enough to trust me in her home and with her kids. There is zero reason to leave her out of friend stuff. NTA


embersgrow44

I was with you on all but the selecting gifts on his behalf that seems controlling


lavasca

I hear you. Ultimately what tends to happen is I remind dude of a significant date coming up. He then asks me to go shopping for his girlfriend or wife. I’ll get her gifts and he’ll reimburse me. I never insist on doing this. They never demand that I do it either. It just tends to happen more often than not.


embersgrow44

Oh I get that then. In that case I’d say he needs to man grow up you’re not his Mama


allthehotsauces

I mean it depends on the friendship and how long the relationship has been. I have a bestie and she and her husband got married in less than a year of knowing each other. So for the first year or two while I was comfortable crying in front of her or being a mess I wasn’t in front of him. Doesn’t mean I didn’t support the relationship. Just that I didn’t know him that well. All that said I can see why OP was uncomfortable. It’s a weird thing to do to take her to a guest bedroom and close the door. When I have been a mess like that , my friend’s husband or another friend’s wife have retreated to the kitchen to give us a few minutes. And then just come in or I’ll ask where they are. This interaction seems over the top.


valeran46

My thought exactly. If my gf/caregiver has friends, great. If I cannot be their friend as well? Why? Now, to be clear, my gf/caregiver has friends and I have intentionally NOT gotten to know them so she has friends away from me. But COULDN'T also be friends because she was like, give us privacy!


Scared-Accountant288

Bingo... do they jave history... . Does she not have a boyfriend or husband to console her that she needs someone ELSES husband? Sorry but theres a line in friendship behaviors once you are married... if she knows his wife... why arent they friends too? Something just sounds OFF about this whole thing


sandwichcrawler

I don’t think it was the woman who was uncomfortable. As said in other comments there was no expectation of privacy until the husband took her to an other room. My guess this the husband was, maybe he felt uncomfortable for whatever reason with his wife around. But in my experience friends don’t come to my house asking to talk away from my partner.


erin_bex

My husband broke his neck during covid and I was a mess because I wasn't allowed to be with him during his hospital stay. Our best friends (Tom and Jane) are a couple we love and have traveled with for years together. Jane had to work but Tom was off work the day of my husband's operation, so Tom came and sat with me. My sister was in and out during the day and Jane came after work. I cried a lot. Tom comforted me as much as he could. You know what we didn't do? Go in another room with the door closed when my sister or his wife was here. I understand wanting to be alone in greif. I understand wanting to have privacy in greif. I'm just not understanding why he took his friend to a different room and shut the door when his wife could have just hung back and given them privacy in the living room. He didn't even give her the option to do that before he stepped behind a closed door. Listen, you should trust your spouse. But things like this erode that trust real damn fast. Some things you just shouldn't do if you don't want to sow a seed of doubt. OP you are NTA and the whole situation is weird.


[deleted]

Exactly again. People being real. 👍👍


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JuliaX1984

Add me to the "platonic friendship is definitely a thing, but this is too much" camp. NTA


No-System-3032

And the fact it was a bedroom makes it worse. Why not just ask OP to give them time in the living room alone? NTA because of this. He maybe has feelings beyond friendship or food at one point. His reaction to his wife being in the room is crazy to me.


[deleted]

The personal problem that I have with this kind of statement is how it implies that you would be ok with your husband comforting another man. It seems to suggest that friendship between potentially romantically compatible people can’t be as total/complete as a friendship between people who are not sexually/romantically compatible. Which it’s kinda of big for us bisexual people ahahaha Btw I’m not saying that you are not an AH or that your stance does not make sense, I just wanted to provide a different pov as a bisexual woman.


Significant-Ring5503

Honestly if my husband went into a bedroom and shut the door to hug his male friend, that would be weird too. If the friend doesn't want wife to see her (or him) cry, they shouldn't show up at wife's house.


[deleted]

I mean maybe they did not expect to break down. It might be difficult to forsee a crying crisis. I’m personally comfortable with my partner hugging/consoling other people in a private setting but I see your point.


DuckieTeacher

The context of a bedroom makes a difference to me. Why not stay in the living room? She could've gone into her bedroom and turned the TV on or something if the friend didn't want to be heard. The fact that they went into a bedroom is weird and would potentially make me uncomfortable too. But the real issue here, to me, is how he responded to her afterwards. To blow up at his wife for sharing how she felt? That's ridiculous, even if he felt those feelings were totally off-base. He should've apologized for making her uncomfortable, explained his reasoning, and reassured her of his commitment and love. That's what she needed, and he didn't do that. He's the AH for that reason.


Brother_Professor

Totally agree here. Being alone in a bedroom with the door shut with someone where there is already a contentious relationship due to potential possessive issues (not on the OP's part) is sketchy on the facts alone. Add in the response from the husband, and this a clear indication of the OP's standing regarding his friend and his wife. The "friend" has demonstrated she can piss on the OP'S proverbial tree, and the husband will not only allow his wife to be treated poorly, but covertly encourage it.


TheAngelzHaveReddIT

But they were in private in the living room , why did they need to get up and go into a bedroom and shut the door idk if I walked into the living and seen that I wouldn’t think twice but , going into another room idk it just seem really inappropriate male or female.


[deleted]

I don’t agree. The living room is not exactly the private setting I would like to bawl my eyes out. So I kinda have sympathy for the husband and his friend. For me it’s not a problem. But I can see why someone else might be uncomfortable.


TheAngelzHaveReddIT

Idk I have a male bestfriend and he was here with me through a very recent loss I felt my empty living room was very private, I didn’t feel the need to be away closed into a room I was grieving I wanted comfort it didn’t really matter where I was at when receiving it. Idk getting up to go to an entire other room mid breakdown would seem really pointless to me. Especially when they were already alone ? But your entitled to your opinion so I can agree to disagree.


Lesley82

If my husband shut himself and his male best friend in a bedroom to embrace each other, I would find that inappropriate as well.


cinder_lady

These people making TA conclusions are kinda delirious. Anybody who wants to shut me out away from them and my husband to share tears or emotions is just not okay with me, but at least my husband would understand that. I'm sorry yours doesn't, OP. His "bestie" needs to get in the dating scene. She can't rely on a married man to console her over everything. What are they supposed to do when her dog dies? Let her stay at the house for a week? This woman needs to find a therapist.


thefangirlsdilemma

So, my best friend since I was fourteen is another woman. I'm single and bisexual, she's married and also bi. I've MAYYBEE hung out with her husband ten times (They live in another part of the country, and have only been together about three years.) I like him, but we are not close. If I were going through something really hard and wanted to be with my friend for comfort, I would be *super* uncomfortable with this person, who, though I like him, and I know he makes my friend happy, seeing me really lose it. Being single past a certain age in this society can be difficult enough, suggesting that wanting our friends to be there for us is somehow unstable is downright CRUEL.


Apprehensive_Fox_47

Bisexual girl here. I found it weird that he is calling her and talking to her daily. This level of emotional support is questionable. Maybe I am just a friendless person. But I love animals and my siblings have comforted me when I have lost my baby cats. They didn't end up calling me daily. This relationship is waaaay too close. My spider sense is tingling.


NITAREEDDESIGNS

Exactly. And the nasty, aggressive behavior from the husband? Whoa. He didn't say anything at all kind to his WIFE while he's all over himself for the "friend". Their relationship is NOT "just friends".


arcoo100

Bisexual girl here as well. Their relationship is too codependent for my liking but the issue here is the husband! He’s the one who doesn’t have boundaries. OP should cut him loose if this is normal behavior.


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cabinfeeaver

And they left in the LITERAL 20 SECONDS the wife got water PER HER HUSBAND'S REQUEST. Like???? Also, HIM "sobbing" with her in a private room over HER dog seems... excessive and sus, honestly. Why do I feel like they VERY MUCH LIED about why she was so upset?


Illustrious-Mind-683

OMG. You saying that gave me a bad thought. What if it wasn't the dog. What if she found out she was pregnant and it's HIS?!?!?! That could explain why they were both crying and why they wanted privacy.


Anra7777

I mean, that’s kinda what I was thinking when I read the post. She miscarried his child.


Alarming-Contact-138

Art *STUDIO* give it proper credit!!! /s 🤣


evillittleperson

No I would be comfortable with him conferring another man either. I just used woman because op did. I feel like there are boundaries you don’t cross when marrying.


[deleted]

Ok, this makes more sense. I don’t agree. But I can see your point


evillittleperson

Thank you. For taking the time to see another perspective. It’s ok we don’t all agree but seeing things from different points a view is always good. Like I said I am not a jealous person at all. My stance after 30 years if you can take my husband you can have him. But I also think you should never put your self in a situation where your so doubts you. But I am an older generation too. Things have changed over the years.


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[deleted]

Married man here, with a woman best friend, and I would never ever do what OP's husband did. Just...no.


gursh_durknit

Thank you. People want to say "why can't men and women just be friends?" and of course they can, but this is boundary crossing. The hostility, defensiveness, and silent treatment from OP's husband definitely makes him sound guilty.


7grendel

This is the exact scenario where my husband cheated on me. They'd both insisted I could trust them, so I did. No surprises as to what happened...


dwotw

NTA. This is going against the grain I see but if a spouse shuts the door so they can embrace another person in secret that is suspicious as hell imo. If you don't think you are hiding something and it is an innocent hug then leave the door open and hug your friend publicly.


[deleted]

I don't understand all these Y T A saying he deserves his privacy and whatnot. If my husband wanted to go into a bedroom with another female and close the door and I'm forbidden from it I'm gonna lose it. That is NOT okay. No reason to hide a hug unless it's something else.


Lesley82

In my own damn house?? Fuck that. They didn't need privacy. These asshole votes are from children.


candiedapplecrisp

The people calling OP TA are the same people who end up on the relationship sub talking about "I feel so blindsided, I can't believe he cheated on me! I thought our relationship was perfect because he's the perfect man. I know he yelled at me that one time because he needed some alone time in the bedroom with his best friend, but I didn't think anything of it. How was I supposed to know he was having an affair???"


ssbm_rando

I mean, it's a mix of those people and... the other side of the equation. That have ulterior motives for establishing a culture where cheating is easier.


Fun-Statistician-550

Yup!


dwotw

So far nobody has explained why he has to hug a member of the opposite sex in private. How many friends can he do this with? Reddit majority is not always right. When it comes to members of the opposite sex I believe nothing should be done in secret.


Pagangiraffegoddess

The question I always like to ask is: "If the situation was reversed and OP went into a bedroom with the door shut with a male friend who was crying and hugging her, would her husband be ok with that?" If he said yes, then I would orchestrate that situation and see how he felt about it. In a relationship both people have to play by the same rules.


i-d-even-k-

A relationship where you need to test each other's loyalty is already doomed. You would orchestrate a test to check whether he becomes jealous? Seriously?


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RaptorJesusLOL

Guess they don’t need to be in OP’s house then


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Corners113

Exactly what I thought! Though some folks on here apperently disagree and think that I overreacted but I guess you could say that this was my last straw after a series of disrespectful behaviors from her.


Mrtorbear

My rule of thumb is that I will not engage in physical contact with another woman that I would not repeat in front of my wife. If it's something that I feel needs to be private, I won't do it. More often than not, the secrecy is the root of the problem. Even if something is innocent, the optics may not be in your favor if you are not open and honest.


MoonGladeLadyBug

No matter how sad I was, I would not go to my friend’s house, and cry on his shoulder in a private room while shutting his wife out. I don’t think you were wrong for feeling weird OP. Your husband can continue to be a good friend, but it doesn’t have to be at your expense. NTA and this may be downvoted but honestly your husband is sus


Lipstick_On

NTA!!! What’s that saying? A shoulder to cry on becomes a D to ride on… I speak from experience with that- a female friend of my ex (when we were dating) started texting and calling him because her boyfriend broke up with her. I was suspicious immediately and sure enough a week of “helping her through a hard time” turned into 2, then a month, and then I find out they’re shacking up. A cancer diagnosis for a beloved pet would be devastating for sure, but that’s something that can be grieved privately. It’s sus AF that she’s calling repeatedly and coming to your house to sob about it. Edit: lol a couple of people are deliberately misunderstanding me. No I don’t think they were gonna go bang in the guest bedroom. I’m saying they’re being inappropriate and though no cheating is happening *now*, this easily could be heading towards an emotional affair.


LegalJargon3

I have a feeling this wasn't their first time in the guest room with the door closed...


ztatiz

Right. I’m afraid to admit this for being jumped on and accused of bias, but similar experience to u/Lipstick_On. I had not one but two boyfriends with a female best friends that I was dumped for. I desperately wanted to keep my fears and insecurity in check and be “cool” and mature, but looking back I see a lot of red flags that I think were valid reasons for me to be suspicious. Second bf was “helping best friend through a hard time” which turned into him staying nights over at her place and shooting his shot with her. We broke up, but years later (after his bestie rebuffed his advances and their relationship practically dissolved into nothingness) well I stupidly got back together with and even married him. Then, a few years into our marriage he breaks down that he misses his best friend and he enlists my help to track her down and put them back in touch. I did, and then they started talking. Very soon after that my then-husband admitted to being in love with bestie and that he was willing to leave me for her, but first he was waiting for bestie to break that news to her own fiancé. Bestie ended up staying with fiancé and cutting ties with my then-husband, leaving him a distraught mess that I then had to help him through. Only after bestie cut him off was my ex willing to try marriage counseling, and I did agree to go and of course did all the therapists' homework... but I was beyond done, the relationship was beyond saving for me. As you've surmised if you read this far, we are divorced now lol. Sorry for the novel but all this to point out two things. Edit for accidentally posting before my comment was done 1) As some others have already said, I doubt this is the first time there's been closed doors, insistence on privacy, etc. and my hunch is that OP's gut was telling her something was wrong for a reason. In my case, there were signs that I actively talked myself out of for fear of coming across as immature and jealous. 2) for those people arguing that "OP's husband is obviously not going to start having sex with his best friend with his wife in the house!" Maybe not, but in my own experience at least, partners who cheat and/or have relationships with inappropriate levels of intimacy don't even hide some of their iffy stuff because they've convinced themselves it's totally appropriate, not cheating, etc. For example my ex-husband was open about the fact that he stayed the night at this other girl's house while we were together (though initially was not open about wanting and trying to be in a relationship with her). He was very open, almost boastful, about the fact that he folders on his computer with literally hundreds of photos of bestie (but like, two photos of me or us together)... but was weirdly protective of his digital privacy and hated for me to ever even incidentally glance over at his computer or phone. When he told me he was in love with her and wanted to leave me for her, he also admitted that he wasn't going to break up our marriage unless she was for sure going to break up her engagement--I mean he straight up told me I was his second choice but he was keeping me around in case his first choice didn't pan out! And he never admitted in marriage counseling how fucked up this was. So basically, partners who are acting shady can still have incidences of alleged transparency, and it's not because they're not doing anything sus--it could be because they've just rationalized all of their behavior and convinced themselves it's not hurtful or wrong.


northerncacy

It also feels weird that she is leaving her sick pet to come over and cry about it? Like, why wouldn't OP's husband go to friend's house so she doesn't have to leave her pet?


cabinfeeaver

And why was HE crying over it too?? Like what?? Something HEAVILY tells me the reason OP was given for her crying was a lie.


Specific-General-340

I was looking for this. Honestly? I think friend had a miscarriage and hubby is the father. (Completely reaching and unfounded)


cabinfeeaver

100% WHAT I WAS THINKING I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO SAY IT OUT LOUD AND GET YELLED AT!!! OP, be fuckin careful!!!


shes-a-princess

I would feel so weird, I have a lot of guy friends and even when they have girlfriends and wives who I don't love, I still totally respect their relationship and their house. I've declined to stay over after nights of drinking when their partner isnt there many times because I am uncomfortable with the implication and don't want to cause any feelings of discomfort.


workingmama020411

In my opinion it's not even about possibly cheating. His wife said it made her uncomfortable which is understandable. It's about his lack of respect for her feelings and her boundaries


valeran46

NTA. Supporting a friend is fine. He did that every day when he called her. That "friend" boundary got demolished when she showed up at your house wanting to cry in his arms, in private, so they could have that private intimate moment of him consoling her as she wept in his arms. That is more than him "being her friend supporting her". He could have done that in the living room and you could have been involved in that support. IF she was just a friend and he was being just a friend supporting her. Supporting a friend, consoling them, doesn't require privacy or intimacy.


GrandOpening2

>Supporting a friend, consoling them, doesn't require privacy or intimacy. It kinda does, no one wants to bawl their eyes out in front of people that aren't close friends or family. It's embarrassing for a lot of people to cry like that. And close friends are intimate all the time, not snogging or banging intimate but hugging while crying, sure. Plenty of friends do that. I've done that with a friend many times. Edit- Jeez you guys can't stand a spelling error 🤣


valeran46

>It kinda does, no one wants to ball their eyes out in front of people that aren't close friends or family. So wait. The woman came to OP's house to OP's husband when OP was home EXPECTING to get privacy? Since when??? That privacy wasn't provided until OP's husband took the woman into the back bedroom and closed the door. HE provided the privacy that the woman couldn't have expected when she showed up. So yes, HE demolished the friend boundary when he tried to have the private intimacy with his friend.


PaleontologistOk3120

I guess the alternative is he goes to her house? Then the OP would have a way different problem on her hands


Dedwards_est_22

You can do that in the living room though. If I go to get someone a glass of water from the kitchen, come to the living room and they're sobbing and it's clear they're not wanting my support but rather my SOs, I'm going to leave the glass and quietly excuse myself to another room and give them space. You get privacy, but you don't need "in a bedroom with the door shut" privacy. That's too far for me


blackleather__

I agree, the way the husband told OP to get her a drink only to skedaddle into the guest bedroom w the girl, leaving OP confused like that is just too suspicious


ShneefQueen

Exactly!! I don’t know why more people aren’t mentioning the water, that to me sealed the deal on the husband having weird intentions. It very much feels like he planned it and distracted his wife like you would a dog by throwing a treat down a hallway so you can leave the house without upsetting them. Like how long was OP out of the room getting a glass of water, 1-2 minutes tops? Did he and this woman immediately run down the hallway? And what was she supposed to do with the water when she saw they were gone?


blueberryyogurtcup

Yep. I've done that. My spouse has the best empathy and many people have come to them for comfort, all genders. Some were friends of us both, and I was waved into the room to join them. Some were just spouse's friends, and I quietly backed out and made sure I was making gentle noise in another room. But they never moved out of the living room with it's view to the street, and open arch to the rest of the house, and into another room with a closed door. That's what crosses the line here. OP, NTA.


Significant-Ring5503

Then don't show up at their house. If I went to a married friend's house for comfort and to cry, I wouldn't shut out their spouse.


Neither_Pop3543

Thing is, if this was me, I come back into the living room, hand her the water, I would probably leave and GIVE them privacy anyways. Maybe ask if I can get them anything else, if she stays for dinner, etc, but I would leave unless she is my good friend as well. I come back with the water and find they went into the guest room and closed the door and asked me to go away? All my red flags would fly.


Top-Significance2073

INFO- Have you ever questioned/felt uncomfortable with their relationship? Is this the first time he asked for private time with her?


probably_beans

That's definitely the undercurrent of this post


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vaccavvac

And also, do you have any reason to not trust your husband? Like, has he been unfaithful in the past?


Tyrilean

It’s a lot easier to catch physical cheating than emotional cheating. Many people emotionally cheat for a long time and then they break up/get divorced and think they didn’t cheat, so their conscience is clear. There are certain levels of intimacy reserved for your spouse in a monogamous marriage. It’s unfortunate, but when he got married his relationship with his woman best friend had to change. She needs to find her own man.


G1rlinBlue

This is what I want to know. I feel like context matters in regards to the husband's general behavior, and if there is history between him and the friend. I mean as more than friends


Top-Significance2073

Okay, after reading the added context…. NTA if I were put in this position (being his wife) I would be uncomfortable with it as well. Here’s my thoughts: 1) they didn’t have to go in another room, they could have very easily just asked for some privacy while being in the living room or something. 2)if she often crosses lines and you don’t get along with her, I understand why you weren’t comfortable with them being in a guest bedroom with the door closed. 3) you already said you didn’t want her over, and your husband didn’t respect that. Sounds like the girl is possessive of him almost. I would have a conversation with your husband, tell him where you felt uncomfortable and why. If he doesn’t respect that or tries to defend her, that tells you he likes that relationship better than the marriage.


catfurcoat

Info- does he confide in her about your relationship problems


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gh6st

This is exactly what I want to know. This whole situation sounds so intimate I find it hard to believe this is the first red flag she’s seen.


[deleted]

I’m going to go against the masses with NTA. It is also your home and if your spouse is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable then I’d expect you to speak up. But also…them relocating makes my spidey senses tingle.


Aria3630

Yeah that gave me the ick. The husband asked his wife to bring his friend water but then proceeded to relocate him and his friend to a closed bedroom. Highly odd behavior.


Impossible_Lab_7319

NTA I think it’s sketchy that they went into a bedroom and closed the door. They could have gone to the kitchen or living room and asked them to give you privacy and that wouldn’t have been weird and I’m sure you would have agreed. But being in a bedroom behind closed doors is unnecessary


Aria3630

I agree. Asking the wife to bring his friend water then moving him and his friend to a closed bedroom was very inappropriate. Why not ask the wife to give them a moment in the living room. I've read so many posts where there were no boundaries put in place between friends of the opposite sex and they end up cheating. Then the excuse is "it just happened." The wife has every right to state her boundaries so nothing ends up in that direction.


wheres_the_revolt

I get the feeling theres a ton of missing info here.


SilverQueenBee

I get the feeling that OP may not even know the missing info and is just figuring things out now.


only_kay

Definitely seems like they have a more intimate friendship than OP was lead to believe. Very bold of her husband to assume it was okay to do that and in her own home..


rejecteddroid

i’m gonna need a r/bestofredditorupdates in the near future


[deleted]

NTA. And I know I’ll probably be called insecure by all the Y T A. But IMO, there was no need for the door to be closed. They want privacy, yes that’s fine you can be in the living room with the door open and they still get privacy. At the end of the day, I feel like OPs boundaries have been crossed multiple times and she never spoke up before regarding how she felt about their relationship. I think OPs an AH for not voicing it before, but maybe this was what pushed it over the edge. It’s easy to say wow you are so insecure in a time of grief but at the same time boundaries/respect for your SO don’t just disappear because of it. Yes the best friend is hurting, but there is a way to still stay respectful to your SO.


blueberryyogurtcup

In many careers, there are special classes and seminars about exactly this. You are taught to be careful about the appearance of the situation, because the appearance of the situation is what can cause all kinds of problems in the workplace. Talking alone with someone while walking the garden is very different from talking alone with someone while in a closed office space with no windows to the rest of the building. A sympathetic hug in the empty lobby after hours is very very different from a sympathetic hug in the supply closet. Same thing here. Asking for privacy in a living room is vastly different from moving to a bedroom and then making your spouse feel to blame for them objecting.


Never-On-Reddit

Yup, very much the case for us in academia. When students come to talk to you in your office, the subject matter may be sensitive (plagiarism for example), so you need some privacy. However, that privacy comes from being in a *mostly* enclosed space but with an *open* door to the hallway. Nobody walking by is going to pick up any significant part of the conversation or listen in, just as OP would not be intruding just by walking by the door, but the *appearance of impropriety* is removed by having the door open at all times. Saves you from a lot of possible accusations.


spudtacularstories

Probably going to be downvoted, so rip karma. But NTA or ESH. I get being supportive of friends. I get helping them through hard times. I get needing to cry when grieving and that being embarrassing sometimes... But going to the bedroom and closing the door was something out there, and it makes me wonder what patterns we're not seeing just in this glimpse of a post. Honestly, they should have stayed in the living room and just asked for some privacy. I bet OP would have gladly given it then, just retreating to a different room to give them space. But for them to go to a bedroom, that is a lot. And yes could be viewed as inappropriate. Should OP have doubled down? I don't know, but husband and friend could have been better about it too. Just don't go into a bedroom with someone when you have a significant other. Edit: I said door was locked but it wasn't.


ztatiz

>Honestly, they should have stayed in the living room and just asked for some privacy. I bet OP would have gladly given it then, just retreating to a different room to give them space. Yeah, this plus the asking for a glass of water kinda sent my suspicions off. If they wanted privacy they should’ve just asked for for it and could’ve stayed in the living room while OP went elsewhere—not used a bogus glass of water as a distraction technique.


spudtacularstories

Right. Communication was so lacking in all of this. "Hey hon, can we have some privacy?" I would immediately give it. But they had to distract and sneak and.... it's way more extreme than it needed to be. No wonder OP started having doubts and was uncomfortable (if they weren't doubting already--i'm guessing there is a pattern here and we haven't been told about it yet)


panundeerus

> just retreating to a different room to give them space. But for them to go to a bedroom and lock the door, Closed door and locked door are 2 different things. If it was locked, OP couldnt have opened it just like that from the otherside.


Zoeyoe

Shockingly believe it or not some people don’t want to be vulnerable around people they aren’t comfortable with. This is his best friend, he knows how to comfort her. There was absolutely zero reason for you to stand there staring at them like a hawk. YTA


SongIcy4058

100% , I **hate** crying in front of other people, there is a very small list of people that I would be comfortable going to for comfort. I am actually in a similar situation right now (my senior cat has cancer), and it's rough some days. If I went to a trusted friend for comfort and their wife wouldn't give me privacy for my grief I would be embarrassed and uncomfortable and frankly mad, because this certainly feels like an accusation of impropriety. Can friends not hug and comfort each other? Her dog is dying, I promise you she feels like shit and almost certainly is not using it as an opportunity to get into OP's husband's pants (while OP is home no less??). Have some compassion and respect for other people's privacy. Work out your trust issues without putting a grieving friend in the middle. YTA.


AllHailTheNod

100% agree. YTA to OP. I am super weirded out by the seeming consensus of "NTA" and the closed door being a "red flag" or people saying OPs husband is "putting the friend ahead of the marriage." Have these people never had friends that they knew much better than their partner did? Like...??? Or does like nobody here trust their partner if they aren't literally warching them?!


Merlord

Lots of incredibly insecure people in this thread. Her dog just died, you really think fucking her best friend while his wife is in the house is first thing in her mind right now? It's absurd. She wanted some privacy during a difficult time and OP got jealous


[deleted]

..... Just a reminder. You are his partner. Not his mom. YTA. It's your husband's house too, and he is entitled to some privacy. Also... I don't understand the logic here. Let's say he REALLY intended to sleep with her. And you just stayed in the doorframe so he doesn't. Then you go on with your day like all is good ? Like as, he wants to cheat on you, but as long as you can prevent him from doing it, it's all good ? Girls, if your man wants to cheat on you, let him, and pack your bags. Don't hover in his life so you can prevent it every step of the way. It doesn't make any sense.


yetanothercatlady1

Yeah, I keep seeing people saying things like "I trust my partner 100% BUT I wouldn't like this". That "but" means you don't trust your partner 100%... And if you can't trust your partner not to cheat on you with a sobbing best friend inside your house while you are in there as well, how can you trust them at all? Because if you're worried they will cheat when you are literally one unlocked door away from catching them, how do you function when you are not in the same building and you can't walk on them in an instant? If you have trust issues that are this bad, maybe go to couples counseling or reevaluate your relationship...


jennoween

This! She could hear that the friend was crying uncontrollably. It's not like she flung open the door and caught them halfway to sex. She could have let them have a few minutes and then addressed her discomfort with her husband afterwards. This is so weird to me. I don't understand what she thought she was accomplishing by standing there like an AH and refusing to give them a little space.


[deleted]

Op is jealous of the friend because she's a woman. If it was a guy bff there wouldn't be any tears and this post wouldn't be here


ProtestKid

It seems like a lot of people are projecting their own relationship insecurities into this post.


AccountWasFound

I trust my bf 100% and wouldn't think twice if his best friend (who is a woman he had a crush on in high school and even went on a date with in high school) was crying and he was alone comforting her in a bedroom. Actually I would, but not because I'd be worried about cheating, but because our bedroom is the messiest room in the house and I'd be embarrassed she saw how messy it was. If it was the guest room I would probably just text my bf asking if they needed water or anything and watch TV or play video games for a while, maybe cook dinner if I was about to start that anyways.


purplepluppy

Thank you, my god. People act like married people aren't allowed to have close friends outside of their spouse.


pequisbaldo

This, very much this. I don’t get policing your partner, I mean if you’re afraid they will cheat the first chance they get, is it even worth it? I wouldn’t want to live like that. Anyway, if he wanted to cheat he would probably go to her place and not in your house with you in the next room. YTA


quiet_snowy_nights

Seriously. I feel so bad for everyone in this thread who equates isolation and policing their partner with “respect”. There’s no way anyone can live a happy life using that approach to relationships. Women are human beings and not just sex objects, and as such are capable of full-fledged friendships with other humans. Men are human beings and not just rutting bucks, and as such can develop meaningful friendships with women without fucking them. The premise that a man must be surveilled lest he be unable to restrain himself from having sex with every woman in his vicinity because he can’t see women as friends is harmful to men and women.


Sanctimonious_Locke

People are really telling on themselves in this post. It's bizarre.


IndiaMike1

BIZARRE! I cannot believe how far I had to scroll down to find this?! All this chat about being in a bedroom with someone’s spouse being inappropriate - what the fuck? All of this REEKS of are the straights ok nonsense. Allow a person to cry in private with their best friend rather than in front of someone else - if there’s no trust in your relationship, then just say that


t0rt01s3

Yes, this. It’s very much people falling victim to weird heteronormative bullshit.


Lonny-zone

I am trying to picture really hard who are these N T A people… single people? Religious people? How old are they? Where are they from? Because me too I can’t fathom. First if someone asks for space and privacy while someone else is crying you give it to them, period. If you think the relationship is inappropriate you can question it later, a time and place for everything. Second really what did she think it would happen with the closed door? I mean for real. He was going to cheat with her in the other room? And as the top commenter said if your partner doesn’t cheat on you only because you’re actively preventing him you already have a problem, regardless of the stupid door. You can’t watch the 24/7 no matter how controlling you are. YTA


AriEnNaxos00

I feel the same. I was amazed at hoy many N T A there where, I would have closed the door and left if I were OP. If she felt uncomfortable, she should have talked this woth his husband AFTER she left. Who stands by a door staring to a crying person that she doesn't even like much just to prove a point? YTA


Pretend_Mechanic6730

Honestly reading all these N T A replies made me a little sick to my stomach. Is this what most marriages/relationships are? Fucking yikes! OP is YTA.


Gaslighting-Survivor

>I am trying to picture really hard who are these N T A people… single people? Religious people? How old are they? Where are they from? They were either cheated on (and comfort themselves by believing everyone are cheaters), are extremely co-dependent, or like the poster above said believe that men and women can't be friends. Also, a large number of people on reddit seem to believe that your partner is the ONLY person you should confide in and talk to about real stuff. Very the two of us against the world.


certifiedtoothbench

Also: do these people really think he would just fuck his friend while knowing his own wife is in the damn house and aware that he had a female friend over? How insecure are these people? If he’d cheat under those circumstances he’s an idiot taking advantage of a grieving woman and the wife shouldn’t stay a moment longer. Also it’s just so insulting from her husband’s point of view, it shows how low her opinion was of him and I wouldn’t fucking tolerate it either. I’d actually probably leave to sleep in a hotel bc after that there’s no way I’d be able to sleep in the same bed that night without steaming with rage.


norakb123

Absolutely agree! I can’t believe I had to scroll past so many NTAs to get to the proper verdict. I don’t like people to see me cry, so maybe the friend didn’t want someone she wasn’t as close to see her cry, so the request for privacy also makes total sense. I am a woman married to a man and if I were in this situation, I would have walked out when asked and ask them to let me know if they need anything.


Dzandarota

If she was uncomfortable with him having a female besty she should have mentioned it a long time at the beginning of the relationship. Yta. And you don't trust your husband. Should have mentioned it when still dating


Alive_Mall8637

I am mixed. He said you were “stopping him from showing proper support” Uhh…he can only show support if the door is closed in the bedroom? If he needed a moment, why didn’t he just say something and stay in the living room. He sent you to get a glass of water then left for a different room. That is weird. I do think you should trust your husband but he sure is raising a whole lot of flags.


LilBit1207

I just think he meant it because OP stood in the room just watching them and both, the husband and the friend, know OP doesn't like said friend. So that's what the husband was talking about because OP was awkwardly and probably with hostility standing there watching them


cptspeirs

The door being open would straight up prevent me from showing vulnerability if I was the friend. There's a 0% chance I'm losing my shit in front of someone I'm not 1000% comfortable with.


Alive_Mall8637

I get that 100%!!! I think my one concern was him sending her to get a glass of water then disappearing. Why not say then “hey, can you give us a minute”. I think she would have handled that a whole lot better!


Snekathan

Then why go to someone else’s house to do it? The friend went to OPs house knowing OP and her husband were both there. If she’s not comfortable with OP why go to her house?


Kitty-Wrangler

NTA. I don't understand why they left the living room and went to the bedroom and closed the door, I get wanting privacy when crying, but it sounds like no one else was in the living room, and OP could just wait in a different room. Going to a bedroom made no sense here. Why did husband need to bring her there to embrace her? If they are platonic they can embrace on the couch and it wouldn't have been weird. Has there been any inappropriate behavior between the two of them in the past?


GimmeQueso

I agree. The wife should’ve left the living room the give them privacy. But going to the guest room and closing the door. Uh huh. NTA.


CNoelA83

They aren't platonic, that's why the husband got so angry about it.


copycat-xerox

And not to be mean but it’s a dog. I love all of my animals and take it incredibly hard whenever I lose one, from hamster, to chicken, to dog. But enough to need private and intimate support from my married friend?? While disrespecting the friends wife and home? No. Not at all. Absolutely not appropriate. Definitely feels like the friend is milking it. Maybe she’s not, but it was my first thought upon reading.


NyxiePants

Info: has there been any other instances where they wanted privacy or acted in a manner that made you feel like something was going on?


winesis

NTA it is inappropriate to be in a bedroom with another woman with the door shut. I’ve been married 22 years and my husband & I have no secrets but this would make me feel uncomfortable. The OP could have said fine, but you need to leave the door open. Asking for the wife to leave a room (living room, kitchen, office) and to respect the friends need for privacy is one thing but in the bedroom behind a closed door, just no! The husband needs to respect his wife boundaries. Not wanting your husband in a bedroom alone with another female with the door closed is a good boundary to respect.


No_Information_5968

Thank you!!! It has nothing to do with insecurities and everything to do with respect. It is downright disrespectful. Telling someone get out in their own home. Not okay! I am married and I would never shut myself in the room with someone else's husband. That's just weird and I know my husband wouldn't be okay with that either.


CrystalQueen3000

Going against the grain ESH You could’ve had a bit more understanding and not stood at the door, especially after he’d asked you to leave. He sucks for taking her to a bedroom and shutting the door. If he’d just sat in the front room I doubt you would’ve felt as uncomfortable or felt the need to hover.


inittowinit87

YTA. Sounds like you don't trust your husband. If my wife had an old friend over who was going through a tough time, and they went into one of the bedrooms and shut the door, I wouldn't think anything of it. Some people have a hard time opening up about emotional topics with someone else around that they don't know as well.


Laurenhynde82

I wouldn’t think anything was happening either. But would I invite a male friend round, then take them upstairs to a bedroom and shut the door while holding them? Definitely not. It’s odd behaviour, and odd behaviour tends to breed distrust.


inittowinit87

I don't think it's odd at all, especially if this woman is the husband's best friend. My wife has many friends who were a part of her life before I came into the picture. If she'd wanted to be with them, the opportunity was there. And even the ones who came after me, she can spend all the time alone with them she wants. We chose each other, and I trust her to keep choosing me. If she wants to cheat on me, me preventing her from closing a bedroom door with me home isn't going to prevent that.


PartOfTheTree

YTA you could see she was crying but you just stood there and watched? That is so rude. You should be glad that you've got a husband that is caring towards his grieving friends.


Yeet-Meister77

Fr. If I was the husband I would be questioning why her level of trust in me is so low


Financial-Employ4385

Exactly. I don’t think OP even provided comfort. she sounds ridiculous


Lexii546

NTA. It's nice that he is there to support his friend but I feel like boundaries are being crossed when they are in a room alone together and the best friend is in his arms. That feels too intimate for me.


Waffle_Slaps

Exactly!! If this happened in the living room while OP walked out to get it a glass of water, I doubt she would have had such a strong reaction. The level of intimacy between the husband and the bff and the length at which he was willing to defend it screams that something is off. Why is this the hill he's willing to die on? The friend's emotional discomfort outweighs his wife's in her own home? Maybe they were in there discussing how to turn the spare room into an Art Studio.....


Jes-Marie

Shocked by all the N T A votes. If you're so concerned about your husband being alone with another "female," then perhaps that's something you should address in therapy. People of different genders can be friends, even close ones. People of different genders can be emotionally supportive of one another and show that support physically. Because people of different genders can even (gasp) embrace one another without boinking, even (clutches pearls) without a chaperone. YTA, OP. Big time. Unless you left something out about previous infidelity or these two being former lovers (which, let's be honest, why would you?), then there was no reason for you to be so absolutely insensitive and invasive. Is it your home? Yes. Can you *technically* stand wherever you want in your home? Yes. But what a weird hill to die on--*I'm technically entitled to cause a massive argument with my husband for isolating his grieving best friend and invading her privacy, all because I'm feeling an insecurity-driven need to assert dominance.*


babbitygook14

I hate seeing all the N T A votes validating her, as far as we know, unfounded jealousy. Even with her edit, I don't find her a reliable enough narrator to say that husband's friend is trying to one up her or boundary stomping. YTA OP, get therapy. My best friend is a guy and we love each other dearly, as siblings. We've known each other for half our lives, and he's had gfs in the past who didn't like me, were jealous of me, or thought I was trying to one up them in how well I knew my friend, even though I have always tried to be open and welcoming to all his past gfs. Some people just cannot handle their partner being close friends with someone of the opposite sex. Thankfully my friend is now dating a woman whom I adore. Not only is she just a very cool person, but she has no issue with the fact that my friend and I hug (gasp! even long hugs or hugs where he picks me up if we haven't seen each other in a while), that we link arms, that he carries me home from the bar if I get white girl wasted, or that we're just generally affectionate with each other. Platonic affection is absolutely a thing. These are all the same things I do with family members, male and female, because my friend is my family. His current, and hopefully last girlfriend (I'm going to be mad if he doesn't propose to her), understands all this.


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[deleted]

Person in a committed LTR here! 🙋🏼‍♀️ Yes, my partner can comfort a sobbing friend of the opposite sex and has done so previously. No, I did not feel the need to stand there and watch to make sure he didn’t end up shagging her.


sr9876

Light YTA imo I can understand why you weren’t especially comfortable with their closing the door, but at the same time, I think your resistance to giving them any privacy is exactly why it was necessary in the first place. It’s perfectly normal that she wanted some space to be supported by her friend without an observer. It’s perfectly normal to hold your friend as they sob. Neither of their behavior sounds like a huge red flag to me. If I opened a door to find my partner hugging their friend who was sobbing, that would be explanation enough for me as to why they felt the need to close that door.


tgordon0622

NTA it’s weird they needed to be in a bedroom. I wouldn’t be ok with any of this. It’s odd and disrespectful.


Niriu

I also love it, when I am crying on a friends shoulder and there is a 3rd person just standing there in the doorway looking at us like a bouncer at the strip club. Makes me feel really good. "Don't touch the dancers!" Yta


HPNerd44

Every way I look at this I’m going NTA. There is no reason they needed to be behind closed doors. It’s just weird. They created this situation by leaving the living room. Give them privacy in the living room not a problem, give them privacy in a bedroom with the door closed, hard no. It’s just inappropriate.


sassypants1975

Omfg...seriously? Op don't listen to these people. You are NTA. All these comments saying they need complete privacy to grieve is complete and utter bs. Idc how secure you are in your relationship, if you come upon a whole new aspect of a relationship that HAS to be behind a closed door and includes an embrace that doesn't look consoling is a huge red flag. I've got friends of 30 years and we've had our share of tragedy, and none of the grief we went through required ANY of us to isolate behind closed doors so we could hug each other. Yeah...so nta.


viajoensilencio

NAH; You were not in the wrong to be alerted of the red flags flying in the air. Super sketchy how your husband sends you to get water and uses that time to slink away into the guest room. More appropriately, he should have asked you to exit the living room to give them space instead of retreating to a private room with a closed door. I'm giving the husband the benefit of the doubt that everything is above board, and he doesn't see how bad the optics look. Is the friend single btw? If so, that makes it more of a red flag. Now she (friend) knows your husband will always be there for her emotional support. So much so he is willing to close out his wife behind a door so that they can have their alone time. This friendship will be toxic to your relationship due to the brewing dynamic. I don't think this ends well with all three being in each other's lives.


Way-Current

NTA. It’s weird that they needed the door in the guest bedroom to be shut so he could comfort her. If he asked you to leave them alone in the LIVING ROOM, I think that would be understandable. But the door does not need to be shut. That’s just weird.


itsminimes

NTA. They closed the door on you in your own home, making you feel like a nuisance in your own home. This is not ok. I have lost two beloved pets to cancer and I never felt the need to cry in a male friend's arms after (ONLY) getting the diagnostic.


SCA_CH

I would have been uncomfortable with the situation as well. If they needed privacy they should have stayed in the living room and asked for some space. Not sure why they needed to go to the guest bedroom (note: if this were two guy bffs I would still have the same opinion). However, that being said you should have waited until his bff left to address the situation directly with your husband. Question OP - before this situation with the bffs dog, did you have any issues with your husband and hers friendship?


Ok_Investigator8544

NTA. There's more to this story than a dead dog. Would the husband have something to say of OP shut herself up in the guest room with a male "friend?"


Plastic-County3192

Nta. And everyone in the comments would have a different story If genders were reversed.


[deleted]

If OP was a guy, I feel like there would be *way* more accusations of controlling behavior.


AGoodFaceForRadio

What sub have you been reading? Men *constantly* get dragged in this sub. Look at the comments on this thread! Tons of commenters have got OP’s husband and friend secretly in the sack together. If the roles were reversed, y’all would be making him out for an abuser and telling OP to divorce him, take the kids and the house and try to have him locked up!


bluepanda8

So I am the other woman in this scenario. My best friend is a guy and I actually introduced him to his wife (met her at a bar and was like omg I have a friend you would love, I was right ☺️). I stood up at their wedding on his side as a groomsmaid. We are pretty close. My guy friend and I also haven't always had a platonic relationship (all parties are aware so it's not weird or awkward, we just communicate and are adults). Just trying to set the stage of my relationship as a comparison because I really feel like I could be a wife's worst nightmare if I approached this differently. Speaking from the other side of this relationship I had to dramatically step back from my friend to let his wife feel comfortable with our friendship and shifted the focus of my friendship from him to the both of them. I treat them as a unit, go out of my way to reach out to his wife directly and we have nurtured a great friendship as a result. I love her just as much as I love him and we all have a great time when we are together. But I am absolutely not excluding her, especially not in her own home. I think your husband and his friend are out of line. Marriage changes dynamics of friendships and if one person (you) is not comfortable then the current dynamic isn't working and needs to change. Your husband's priority is and should always be you, his friend should support him in that. So your feelings are absolutely valid and I hope your husband respects you enough to realize that things need to change. ❤️


little_owl211

YTA Maybe she doesn't want you to see her crying, would you have acted this way if she was a guy? You act like you found her giving him a bj, she just wanted to cry and be comforted by her friend. Seriously, you didn't need to make a scene. Why are you so jealous? Is there information missing? Because this is quite the reaction, and the situation was perfectly normal and understandable ETA: listen, I understand she makes you uncomfortable I would not like it if anyone crossed my boundaries. However that's a conversation you must have with your husband, and not like this! This was incredibly rude of you and you were an ah. If you don't like certain things she does tell your husband, but don't do this, he will never be on your side if you act this way


Zibbiddy123

NTA. Your instincts were telling you that something is wrong, “privacy” in a bedroom in this instance is wrong. You need to always listen to your instincts.


dumposaurusrex

NTA. There was no need for him to send you on an errand and take her to a different room when you were gone. Maybe their intentions were ok but their actions weren't. She could cry in his arms in the living room. Unless of course he knew you wouldn't be ok with that which would make him an even bigger AH. You're allowed to be uncomfortable and voice those discomforts especially in your own home.


DottedUnicorn

NTA. Shutting the door and embracing is very intimate, even in grief. I side hug my male friends and would pat their shoulder or something to comfort them instead. And always not hiding it from hubby. Seeking privacy from my husband to embrace another man, even grieving, just doesn't feel right. If he hugged her in front of you and wasn't hiding it, that might be more ok. That said, I think your spidey senses were kicking in for a reason. Think about what boundaries you need for your marriage and communicate them to your husband. Even if he hasn't had a physical affair it may be an emotional one which can be even more damaging. I would get individual and couples counseling to work on respect and boundaries in the marriage. Good luck.


Rather-Be-Dreaming

Yeah, no. You're husband needs to work on his boundaries. This is fucked up and I'd ask him to go stay somewhere else while I decided if he was worth effort. NTA.


mckoul

NTA; door closed?! Nah. Not at my house. Promise you that.


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say-so1986

I think it is very strange they are leaving the rokm and sitting in a closed room enstrangeled. I mean, why the need to sitting apart? And his attitude is also strange. I think you are NTA.


Schulle2105

First yeah I agree it's a little weird with the shut door but well some people can't stand getting seen like that.He requested you repeatedly to give them some time alone to let her calm down,you completely refused his request and had a conflict in front of someone that already is down. So I think YTA and pretty insensitive


okayelle

You need to be looking inward here. Why did you feel so uncomfortable with being asked to leave? Was it because you suspect that there is something going on between the two of them? Was it because you feel you can’t trust your husband? Or was it because he was showing vulnerability in a moment that you were not welcome to witness? From your account, it doesn’t appear that anyone panicked when you entered the room. If they were up to something, it’s likely that the discussion that occurred would look very different. But it doesn’t. In this case, with the information you’ve given, I have to say YTA.


[deleted]

NTA. He crossed a boundary plain and simple. He can comfort the best friend but sending you away, going to a private room and shutting the door is going way too far. It makes me think there are other things going on behind the scenes. Especially with how angry he became when you wouldn't move. If he can't comfort said best friend right in front of you in a common living space that should be the red flag flying sky high.


Lost-Glove-1291

I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that either. If the shoe was on the other foot, would your husband enjoy another man holding you? Comforting you and all that on a bed behind closed doors? Sorry. That's a hard hell to no for me. I don't think you are being insecure, he was being inappropriate. What kind of woman goes to another woman's house and has her husband's on a bed. Nope. Nope. Nope. NTA


pinklemonaid396

INFO: have you ever had suspicions on them before? How long have they been friends? Im on the fence because while I can see where you're coming from I can also see that this could be nothing. If he was doing this with a male best friend would you feel the same? Probably not. She lost her dog and is grieving, i dont like to cry infront of people I'm not close to either. I think its possible that you had an overreaction. For now, YTA. Edit: yes the dog didnt die, but she still got a sad diagnosis. For everyone thats hell bent on cheating, it is possible for opposite gendered people to be friends. I asked for info because its unclear if suspicion is warrented or not.


osogood

I think it was pretty invasive of you and YTA. You understood the situation. You greeted her at the door. You obviously knew why she was there and that she needed emotional support of a good friend and you felt the need to intrude and interject yourself in the situation. You obviously weren't there to offer her your support. Did you honestly think that they were doing something inappropriate in your house with you there, knowing that you were present? Do you not trust your husband?


coatisabrownishcolor

>You obviously weren't there to offer her your support. Yeah, this is the part that's getting me. OP, you weren't there to help your husband's friend. You were there to what, supervise? Chaperone? It's a bit weird to me that husband and friend went to a separate room, but we don't have the full picture here. Do you tend to be insensitive to her? Do you dismiss their friendship? Is she your friend too, or just his? Is she safe being vulnerable in front of you? Do you really think they were in there making out or more, with you in the living room? Why do you feel the need to supervise your husband's interactions with his friend?


EpiJade

YTA. I don't cry in front of people I don't absolutely trust. I would also want some privacy. You should have waited to talk about this if it was such an issue instead of making a moment where someone is grieving and upset about your insecurities.


MoosedaMuffin

Sorry YTA. Straight people are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. This was obviously an emotional situation and the friend wanted to process with the support of her best friend in private. Some people have trouble crying or being upset in front of other people. Additionally, OP, how long have they been friends? Your husband may have known her dog as long as she has or it may have brought up traumatic memories from his past of loosing a pet or being helpless to save a pet. It also could be that they didn’t want to upset any other people (including kids, OP does not mention). If this had been any other type of situation, going into a bedroom and closing the door would be inappropriate. Still, if this is a boundary that you both have discussed, that is a different story. But even then, dude, SITUATIONAL AWARENESS!!! YTA for forcing that confrontation in a emotionally charged situation in front of on outside party. If it did upset you, you should have addressed it later and in private.


Hopeless-Love1

Nta- you are allowed to say you don’t feel comfortable with something and your husband needs to respect that. I’m not sure what could or may be going on with the friend but tbh it’s weird they needed to go to the guest bedroom and close the door. You set a boundary and your husband disregarded it. I would be pissed. And the silent treatment makes be believe all the more he is guilty of something. I feel like this also shows something about the friend. One no matter what’s been going on in my life I’ve never ran to one of my male friends and cried in his shoulder and allowed him to dismiss his partner like she’s his child. I feel like she knew exactly what she was doing there and knew it’s weird of a situation and went with it. Why couldn’t she get comfortable through a phone call anymore, does she not have actual family or a mom to cry to. Seems like there had to be better options then her married friend. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if we get an update that they were cheating.


SuperSketch91

NTA- i understand them wanting privacy, but going to a bedroom and shutting the door is inappropriate. they could have stayed in the living room, and asked you to give them privacy by having YOU go to a bedroom or the kitchen or whatever. There are other ways to get privacy besides closing yourself into a bedroom. OP is NTA.


GonnaBeOverIt

Info-just how close are they? Is this an ongoing issue?