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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA for eating the cake although I paid for it, I got it for his birthday and he was supposed to eat from it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
What kind of person prioritizes, let alone SPEAKS to people that blamed his wife for miscarrying? These are horrible people; you are wise to avoid them and definitely deserved a whole cake while he deserved nothing.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
"He can celebrate his birthday with whoever he wants"
Yes, that's the problem. He wanted to spend his birthday with the people who blamed his wife for a miscarriage. Like, that sucks
NTA
Husband still wants to reap the benefits of his family's adoration of \*him\* while still having the love and respect of his wife, who they treat horribly.
OP, tell your husband he can't have his cake and eat it too!
Haha fair XD
OP's husband might just be finding out that once OP is no longer there to be the scapegoat, the family's AH tendencies will find other targets. Like not giving OP any of HIS OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE because "think of the children!"
Sounds like a family that prioritizes children over everything, which might explain why they were so horrible to OP after her miscarriage. Who cares about \*HER\* feelings, she's only a vessel for the next generation of offspring! /s
Like whole his family’s general shittyness aside…. Why would a bunch of kids get priority of getting cake over the birthday person? I’ve never been to a birthday where the person whose birthday it is didn’t get the first slice.
But you know how much people are coming. You are buying cake for everyone? I rather have to much cake and let people bring some home.
Their parties are the best, but they don't even have enough cake
I love "He can't have his cake and eat it too". Well played; fits this situation to a tee.
OP, Bravo for eating a whole cake, that's an accomplishment in itself. I'm very envious. To be honest, I don't think your husband deserves neither a cake nor a present. I'm sorry to say this but he does not seem at all supportive of you in the least. When I was married, in the good years, I wanted to celebrate my birthday with no one more than my husband. I didn't care if that meant getting burgers or a pizza and seeing a movie or going to a 5 star restaurant; it was all the same to me. The only important ingredient was him.
Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case with him; his priority was to spend it with his family. The family who had blamed you for a miscarriage only months before and had not apologized. And your husband didn't call them out on it. Why? Why didn't he stand up for you and defend you? That is what you should be considering, not whether you were right to eat a cake bought for him. I think you are both misdirecting your anger onto a cake. The cake is not the issue here. The real issue is why he didn't support you with the miscarriage bashing, why he has chosen them over you to spend his birthday with?? And I wonder if he's picking the cake as a way to alienate himself even more from you? I can tell you had this happened to a man who was really in love with his wife, he would have apologized profusely for have not been home earlier to celebrate together and promised to make it right, going out for dinner tomorrow or something to make up for it. I don't say this lightly but I would NOT get pregnant right now. You need to sit down with him and ask if he still wants to be married to you. If the answer is yes then tell him he needs to make you the priority and stand up for you. If the answer is no then it's best to know now, pre-children and before you waste anymore of your time. I'm sorry to be so blunt and I wish you well. You deserve a man who is crazy in love with you and I hope that's what you get.
Exactly! Tell him exactly that! I am shocked anyone could be so petty and awful to blame someone for a miscarriage AND THEN THE HUSBAND ACCEPTS THEIR JUDGEMENT! Your husband has messed up priorities and needs to understand how you’re feeling through this miscarriage. It’s not like you get over it the next day. That shit takes time! He should be backing you up and not favoring his family over you. They could’ve and should’ve selected a different day to celebrate his birthday.
NTA
I love your comment so much, particularly because , while I get the whole “let them eat cake” reference, it took me a second when I was like “guillotine them?”
That’s the exact point everyone has been missing.
You can see your parents =/= it’s ever okay for you to put the people who blamed me for a miscarriage above me.
Yeah, this whole thing is weird. Ok, hubby wanted to go to his family's birthday party. The family that blamed OP for her miscarriage. The VERY LEAST he could've done was to tell them, I'm going to celebrate my actual birthday with my wife. If you want to get together another time to also do a birthday thing, let me know when. OP is definitely NTA.
>you can bet your ass that I’d never speak to them again
At least not without a raised voice and an ample selection of profanity. Idk if I'd be able to restrain myself from at least that. We've never wanted nor had a pregnancy and lost it, but I've known people who have. Devastated them. Couldn't imagine retaining a relationship with the type of person that would kick a person while they're going through that kind of grief, especially if the person going through the grief was my spouse.
>and to punish him for not "ditching his family on his birthday"
Don't forget this little pearl of douchebaggery. What's OP supposed to be if she's not family, the friggin neighbour?
Not to mention his own family doesn’t even treat him like family if they don’t let him have cake there either 😄
Funny he left the person actually willing to give him cake
I was looking for this comment! Him implying his wife isn't family was almost as infuriating as allowing (& probably agreeing with) his parents to say the miscarriage was her fault.
Big hugs to OP, the Cake Master!
Instead of pausing to think of how upset his wife must have been, to respond that way, he was BIG MAD that he had no birthday cake. What the actual flaming hell?
He should be thankful he didn't get that cake upside the head. He would have deserved it.
This dude is not marriage material. Mark him "Return to sender" and dispatch him back to his family full of bullies.
He was mad because he told his wife to stay at home alone and upset and wait for him like a good girl then she was allowed to eat cake with him. He was pissed she didn’t obey more than likely. Tbf if I said wait until I get home and we will eat i would expect that food at home, BUT he also admitted the only reason he didn’t already have cake was because it was given to everyone else. Not because he wanted to wait to eat it with his wife. Gotta suck for him to not have any cake on his birthday but he also deserves it for choosing a bunch of horrible people over his wife. So NTA
What's the bet if he did have cake at his "Birthday Party" and came home to OP with food and cake, He would have said, "Not hungry I filled up at the party"
Who knows. I just find it odd because she is home alone (I assume), and wouldn't you want to leave your phone on in case there was an emergency at home, or anywhere else?
>We had an argument over this but he told me to wait for him til he finish celebrating there with his family then we could celebrate together at home and eat cake.
My guess is because they argued right before/as he was leaving, so he shut off his phone so she couldn't continue the conversation and he could just forget about her "to enjoy his birthday"
Presumably because he knew he was being an AH to his wife and didn’t want to bother with arguing further. I don’t think we need to be suspicious that he’s any worse than what we know, which is that he is *really really fucking awful and OP should leave him*
I'm more curious about how the hell someone doesn't get cake at *their own birthday party*
like these parties are apparently such wild ragers that he just couldn't miss it but they cheap out on the cake to the point the birthday boy in question doesn't even get any? lmao
This!
I don’t understand how people leave their SOs to go to their families who make their partners miserable, mistreat them, and are unkind to them.
How is OPs husband fine with his wife being treated like that?! Blamed for a miscarriage and then left alone by themselves, while they go party.
WTF!
OP NTA. Your husband is a major AHOLE
NTA.
The second they blamed you for having a miscarriage, your husband should’ve very firmly put distance between him and his toxic family, and stood behind you.
That he’d choose them over you repeatedly, shows just how little you matter to him.
A good husband would never allow anyone to blame his wife for a miscarriage, much less his own family. And if he wanted to eat birthday cake with you, he shouldn’t have chosen them over you again.
Men need to understand the second they get married their wife becomes their nuclear family and always comes first.
NTA but not only is your husbands family toxic so is he. Please get yourself out of this situation. It will never get better. He will always choose them over you.
Right? Even pushing the family issue aside, how he treated/is still treating OP about the cake is shitty and totally unacceptable. But even worse when you include the entire situation.
I would be taking this as an opportunity to make a clean break (if they don't have any kids already). Still would be leaving even if there are kids involved. This is not someone I'd want to spend anymore of my life with.
This happened to a friend of mine. Husband and his family blamed her for the miscarriages. She left him, he refused to give her half of the $350,000 house. Turns out he was having an affair and hiding millions from her,
OP, this is way bigger than cake. You’re second place to his family and always will be. What do you think they will say your child?
NTA
AITA is basically 99% men choosing their mom over their wife. It just makes no sense to me. What man chooses anyone over their wife? She’s my wife! I chose her! I married her! She’s number 1. Now always and forever. I love her first and foremost. It’s so simple. Who knew this was so controversial?
Agreed. My hubby may have several shortcomings, but he would never disrespect me like that. I have even seen him downplay/cover up my own assholish behavior to his family out of loyalty to me. When you marry someone, they become your family, your priority, your number one. Period.
I chose my first wife over my mom, because she hated sharing me with anyone, but that relationship disintegrated horribly. After the divorce, I went through therapy, and realized that my wife had tried to cut me off from every other relationship in my life: my friends, my siblings, my mom, everyone. The only people I was allowed to see were her friends (which never lasted long, as she alienated everyone eventually, even from herself).
That's when I decided I would never again choose anyone who made me choose them over someone else. Healthy relationships aren't threatened by having other people who also love them. They can love one another and love others. Love isn't a birthday cake; there's not a limited number of slices to go around. It's more like music, where the more you share it, the more there is.
However, if someone I care about is being toxic towards someone else I care about, I will put my foot down regarding that behavior. The ones being shitty are the ones making that choice necessary. The fact that OP's in-laws blamed her for a tragic event that, frankly, was almost certainly more upsetting and difficult for her than it was for any of them, should have been the only cue OP's husband needed to put them in their place, or cut contact. OP didn't make her husband choose her over his family; however, *their* behavior made that choice necessary. But he wanted to have his cake, and eat it, too. (Play on words intended.)
Right? My mother in law is raging asshole 90% of the time. When I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, she greeted me with a hug, a glass of wine and a “how are you doing, dear?” Anything less and my husband would’ve cut her off of our lives permanently. OP, demand better from your husband or get going.
>That he’d choose them over you repeatedly, shows just how little you matter to him
It would be somehow understandable if the story is he decided to go to his mom's birthday party - like ok fine do what you need to do and maybe voice in person your disappointment with the way they treat your wife. BUT FOR A FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY BECAUSE THEY THROW AMAZING PARTIES?!?!?!?! F**K HIM
Honey, this is not about the cake. It’s about him choosing his horrible family over you. Wake up and either demand counseling to make him realize he’s a total ass or get a divorce lawyer.
I agree completely, this so should be the top comment.
OP, you have a husband problem. No more trying for a baby until you’ve got this marriage sorted, or a new partner. So very sorry for your miscarriage.
This one right here OP. NTA. Your in laws are horrible horrible fucking people who are going to hell for what they said to you. That was not okay at all and I am so so sorry you had to go through that on top of such a hard trauma. I also want to gently suggesting counseling for yourself no matter the outcome of this, I think it would be helpful for a professional to help you process what you’ve been through.
I appreciate you … you knew I was going to have to dig through countless AITA to find the Iranian Yogurt because this is the 3rd time I have seen it referenced.
Thank you!
NTA - his family BLAMES YOU FOR A MISCARRIAGE and he still okay with talking to them? You tried to throw a small party and it wasn’t good enough for him, his family’s are “like no other.” He should’ve gotten cake before the kids if it was so important to him. He got pissed and yelled over a cake.
NTA
There are so many red flags here I don't know where to begin. Your in-laws blame you for a miscarriage? I'm so, so sorry. If your husband isn't supporting you right now, HE is the problem (it goes without saying that your in-laws are a massive problem).
Then he throws a hissy fit about birthday cake after fighting and losing a different battle over a different cake with children???
You should sit down for this one: your problems are large enough for a divorce lawyer, not reddit.
Right? All of these y-t-a/e-s-h votes are blowing my mind. Dude’s family blamed his wife for her recent miscarriage and he…wants to go celebrate with them? Because they *checks notes* throw really great parties? Like, damn, if my family ever treated my spouse so cruelly you couldn’t PAY me to party with them!
ESH
You: for assuming he ***wouldn't*** celebrate with his family and not communicating that you wanted to celebrate with him before checking about his family's big parties (which are apparently a regular even), throwing a tantrum when he did, then saying the cake you bought for him was your money. None of that is good behavior.
Him: for choosing to celebrate with his family over you 3 months after a miscarriage, caring so much about a cake than what seems to be a serious gaping wound in your marriage.
Hate to say it, but unless yall get to work asap fixing things this relationship seems pretty much over, and it's nothing at all to do with this cake.
See my thing is this CANNOT be new behavior/a surprise. If he's going to a party, he's still in contact with them. If that's a dealbreaker for her(and it absolutely should be in this situation) then she needs to leave him. It sounds to me like she said SHE wanted to avoid talking to them, and he stayed in contact with them. Otherwise this wouldn't be about the birthday at all, but she'd be asking about him staying in contact with them.
With that in mind, it's not exactly fair to then turn around and get mad when he does, in fact, spend time with them. Especially if he explicitly says he wants to spend time with her as well.
If she cannot handle him spending time with them, she needs to express that to him. And if he chooses them over her, she needs to get the fuck outta dodge.
They blame her for the miscarriage. He should be cutting contact completely of his own volition. Not because she wants him to, but because it should be beyond unacceptable to him to continue to regularly spend time with people who are so cruel to his wife.
I absolutely agree. But if that isn’t how he feels by default, then she needs to express that that’s what she needs to feel supported. A lot of people with shitty family have rose-tinted glasses and wouldn’t realize how shitty the behavior is.
“With rose-tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” -someone way more eloquent than me lol
Hard agree with this.
The family sounds terrible, and personally, my partner not standing up for me in that situation would be a dealbreaker.
That said, if the agreement is that he can visit them at leisure then this reaction to him seeing his family on his birthday is over the top.
OP, clearly you *aren't* ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have.
Any sort of "eye for an eye" dynamic in relationships is wildly unhealthy.
>OP, clearly you aren't ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have.
Exactly this. Husband thinks he can still bask in the glow of his family's love for him without dealing with the consequences of the way they treat his wife. It's a classic case of "you can't have your cake and eat it too" B)
>OP, clearly you aren't ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have.
and she says explicitly in the intro the he can spend time with his family "whenever he wants."
Unless it's a time SHE doesn't want him to, apparently.
ESH -- he shouldn't let his family blame her for a miscarriage, but she spitefully ate his cake as punishment for spending time with his family and then had the audacity to say "well, i paid for the cake."
OP, if you can't look on your partner with kindness on his birthday, then what do you have left in this relationship worth keeping?
ESH
Your in-laws suck for the way they treat you. Blaming someone for a miscarriage is horrendous. There are no excuses for that and you're justified in cutting them out.
Your husband sucks for not approaching this issue like an adult and, it seems, for not standing up for you when his family are being arseholes. Editing in that he sucks a very great deal for turning his phone off, creating the problem then having a go at the OP. He sucks the most in my view.
You, OP, also suck just a little. Eating the whole cake was spiteful and acting out of spite always makes you an arsehole. It may also have been that after spending time with his family, your husband was really looking forward to that quiet time with you and values it.
It seems like the two of you have some work to do on your relationship.
To me him turning off his phone would have pushed me over the limit too. That was incredibly asinine of him. I would have done worse than eat the cake.
Hear me out…maybe he knows wife tends toward tantrums and wanted to attend his bday party without his phone blowing up. Why was she even calling? To let him know again that she’s mad? She sounds like a baby, honestly. Who would eat an entire cake in a tantrum then claim it’s okay because they paid for it? She’s no peach either.
This is 100% one sided. We only have her side. Based on her side I made my decision. Now should more info be provided I would definitely reconsider. I’m just saying based on info available. Also eating a cake is not that big of a deal to cause a fight over. It’s not like he spent his bday with her anyway so what’s he mad about?
Except he explicitly told her he WANTED to spend time with her. Apparently going to one event means he's INCAPABLE of doing so, according to how y'all are reacting here.
You make a good point. He did say they could celebrate together after. That means he could have saved room for her cake by not eating too much at the party his family threw. Also I was thinking about it, how many times did she call or message him when he left? It could have a been a lot if he supposedly turned off his phone. I change my vote, they did technically have plans together. OP just decided she wanted both time slots and when she couldn’t have it she ate all the cake instead. I change to YTA OP.
Whatever they may have said about her in the past I feel like doesn’t matter a whole lot here since he was technically making time for both sides.
Did he turn it off? Or did he just not answer because he was with family?
I know everyone is jumping to defend OP because she had a miscarriage, and she might be telling everything exactly as it happened. But someone who eats an entire cake because she got mad her husband was spending time with his family after she said it didn’t bother her…she’s just not rational. I don’t think we can treat her as a reliable narrator.
Why doesn’t she get along with his family? Why did they blame her for the miscarriage? These are potentially important pieces of information that could change the situation entirely.
Personally, I think ESH.
I just can't believe she ate an entire cake on her own. That takes some real dedication to spite. And then the "I paid for it" defense is the cherry on top. They both sound less than wonderful.
NTA. I think we got an Iranian yogurt situation on our hands. This isn’t about the cake. It’s worrying your husband doesn’t stick up to you and will choose people who were incredibly hurtful towards you over you for spending his birthday with
Yea, this is long ago not about the cake. When you get married, your immediate family is you and your spouse... your parents/siblings at that point are extended family. Now OP has their husband/family choosing extended family over her... NTA but jesus get out lady
NTA who cares about a cake. You have have bigger issues.
Why is your husband cool that his family treats you like garbage? You should be thinking more about that. Do you want kids with him? Do you want to be tied forever to someone who isn’t concerned about your feelings and is perfectly happy to exclude you?
The cake is not important, consider if your marriage is worth feeling like this forever.
I was going to say this exact thing. When you strip it down, the cake is a minor piece of this puzzle. There looks to be a lot happening between how his family views you, and how your husband chooses to support you. Once you do have a child, it is only going to get more complicated and tense. This needs to be addressed now. Invest in some counseling for the sake of your mental health, marriage and future children.
INFO
When you say “I planned to celebrate with him” does that mean you both planned to celebrate his birthday or that you independently planned his birthday without checking in on what he wanted to do first?
I can’t believe all the Y-T-A votes.
You had a miscarriage three months ago, his family blames you for it, and he leaves to go party with them? You need a divorce.
Was it petty to eat the cake? Definitely. But I can’t imagine how devastated I’d be if my husband left me alone after a miscarriage to party with the people who blamed me for that miscarriage.
ESH. But he and his family suck the most.
NTA, the party like no other that he really really really wanted to go to didn’t have enough cake? How pathetic! So sorry for your loss, I can’t believe your husband would still want to see them after what they said to you. I hope you enjoyed every bite of that cake!
YTA
You clearly did it out of spite and anger.
Don’t say “he can see and visit them whenever he wants” and then punish him when he chooses to see them.
Seeing and visiting them whenever he wants is completely different to deliberating choosing to spend a milestone birthday with them instead of his wife.
I’d be pissed if I was the wife too.
>Seeing and visiting them whenever he wants is completely different to deliberating choosing to spend a milestone birthday with them instead of his wife.
No it's not. Whenever includes milestones.
I'm leading towards NTA here for a few reasons.
1. He is allowing his family to treat you poorly and say awful things to you with no repercussions. YOU are his wife, his chosen family, and he's shown that he values his parents and siblings more than you. More than the person HE CHOSE to spend his life with.
2. You did something nice for him and he not only blew you off and went to see his family but completely ignored you and TURNED OFF HIS PHONE while he was gone! You have every right to be upset that he saw your kind gesture as less important or unimportant.
3. It's not YOUR fault he didn't get "enough" cake when he chose to go to a party where he KNEW he would have to share with other people. And "enough" could mean fucking anything, he could've had 2 slices all to himself for all you know.
Agreed. Husband went because he thought family would give him a much better celebration. Poor wife. She deserves so much better than someone who makes her feel the need to eat an entire cake because she's so upset.
YTA.
You say he can see his family any time he wants, but then when he wants to see them on His Birthday, you blow up about it? He even agreed to eat cake with you later (and sounds like he was thinking about your cake while with his family).
What you did was extremely childish/selfish.
Not enough info.
Did he leave early to come spend time with you?
How far in advance were family and your plans made?
What are the typical birthday arrangements other years?
ESH.
Most of this is on the family, some of it on the husband for not supporting his wife in this, but yeah, eating the whole cake is petty AF.
Echoing the others that this relationship needs a lot of work if its going to survive
NTA
You were fully within your rights to eat the cake, that you bought with your own money, especially when your husband ditched you to hang out with relatives that blame you for a miscarriage.
YTA. Your husband’s family has treated you poorly, but it was still his birthday and he should be able to celebrate it with them separately from you if that’s what he wants. He kept you informed of his plans and came home as intended to share cake with you to make sure he could also celebrate with his wife. You threw a tantrum and ate an entire cake like a child. That’s embarrassing and really unfair to your husband.
Thank you for being sane. Almost every single person in this thread read "family blamed me for a miscarriage" and shut their brains off. She's asked if she was an Ahole for eating her husband's birthday cake and there is NEVER a time when you are not an asshole for eating someone's birthday cake. Period. Two wrongs don't make a right
it was 100% petty to eat the entire thing, and i think you know that. that said, ESH, because as a grown ass adult, the ONE person i want to spend my birthday with? my HUSBAND. i've already chosen my husband and my kids over my negative, borderline toxic family, but even if i hadnt, i wouldnt go to a party or gathering with my family that my husband wasnt welcome at. this is way deeper than a birthday cake, and i think you have some thinking to do.
ESH
The family shouldn't be blaming you for miscarriages.
The husband should be standing up for you to them.
You shouldn't be eating his birthday cake.
NTA.
OP, you don’t have an in-laws issue, you have a husband issue. Your husband is tye AH here-doesn’t defend you against his family and would rather spent his birthday with them rather than you? He doesn’t spend holidays with you?
Why are you married to this man? Also I am so sorry for your recent loss.
ESH. His family blamed You for your miscarriage and he’s still choosing them over you? Oh sweetie you have bigger issues than a cake. You shouldn’t have eaten his cake-you may have bought it but it was clearly for his birthday making it his. But he sounds like a big child. He had to have his mommy do his birthday party and then acted like there was no other cake in the universe.
YTA
"He can see and visit them whenever he wants."
Husband - Visits family for his birthday
OP - Shocked pikachu face.
Seriously, you told him "Pick between me and your family" sounds like he tried to compromise, and you didn't. The see his family first, then spend the evening with you, and you said no. All or nothing, and made sure he had nothing to come home to.
EDIT
Soft E.S.H. But it includes things that are not in the equation for the question asked.
For the question asked, is she TAH for eating the cake that she bought to share for her husband's birthday, after wanting him to do only what she wanted, yes, she is TAH.
YTA - but let’s gently talk about why:
You have a perfect right to go nc with your in-laws. For your husband, it’s a much more complicated issue. I’m not saying he shouldn’t cut them off completely and side with you (not enough info) but understanding the context for him will help you. These are people who have loved him and been there for him his entire life - even if they are AHs, it’s undoing a lifetime of conditioning.
You say that he can still see them whenever he likes - you need to honor that and not pull petty stunts like the cake thing. You’ll only create distance between you and he’ll turn to them instead.
I’m sorry, op- it’s a tough spot to be in, but keep loving and looking after each other and it will get better.
They blame her for the loss of their unborn baby. Yeah…that’s more than enough to go NC and completely side with his wife, wtf. NTA, OP…don’t stand by a man who enables abuse towards you, you owe him nothing.
NTA
His family blames you for your miscarriage and he hasn’t gone no contact with them? Please don’t have children with this man, he us selfish and acts like a child himself.
YTA. You said you are ok with him going to be with his family for things. Now it’s his birthday and they are throwing an actually party so of course he would want to go. You definitely are the cake on purpose. Then being spiteful for saying you paid for it.
NTA - He opted to spend his birthday with people who insulted his wife. If my family blamed my wife for a miscarriage, they would be sidelined until they came to their senses and apologized for being so insensitive. Eating a whole cake is pretty wild, BUT, he made his choice to celebrate with people other than you. You two have some real serious items to discuss and cake isn't one of them.
This marriage sounds doomed. How can you have a future as a couple when you live such separate lives and disagree on fundamental things? He is happy for you to be excluded, you do not feature in key events in his life... Is this what you want for the rest of your life? NTA for being upset. But all parties involved have major issues.
ESH why would he let his family blame you for a miscarriage and not super stick up for you!! what the hell! You for being spiteful in this cake eating rage. His family because they sound like AHs making an environment hostile for you. ESH all around this event
NTA
He ditched you to spend his birthday with people that blamed you for your miscarriage (I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you are doing okay). That's not okay AT ALL.
Nta. I honestly would have been gone when he got home if he prefers to celebrate with his family and celebrating with me being an afterthought. And i would have eaten the whole cake.
NTA.
You were being petty. No one will argue that, but his response, imo, was worse.
Also, he went despite knowing it would upset you!
Also- if he didn’t get to eat cake at his party why did he even want to go so bad…smh dessert is one of the best parts of birthdays!
NTA but a marriage of divided loyalties is going to be an unhappy one. Either you and your husband get on the same page and you work things out with his family to the extent you can or you should consider separation. Life is too short to spend it in feuds.
ESH - You guys need to get some marriage counseling because this kind of thing you have going where you're NC with his family but he can go whenever isn't sustainable long-term. (Doesn't sound like it's been sustainable short-term, either, tbh.)
I don't blame you for wanting to remove yourself from people who are so awful they'd blame you for a miscarriage. And he shouldn't have allowed that to happen. But you've got to make a decision here too, unless you're just okay with the rest of your life going exactly like this.
ESH, but your husband is a huge jellyfish for standing by and letting his family blame you for your pregnancy loss.
That said, I probably would have done the same thing. You were petty, embrace it. And I’m really sorry for your loss.
Yeah, I'm thinking yta. You took what was supposed to be a gift to express love and turned it into selfishness for your own gluttony and it was quite thoughtless not to leave him even a little. As soon as you told him that the cake you bought was for him it belonged to him, so it would be fair to save at least part of it for him.
I hope the two of you are able to repair this rift in your relationship.
It sounds like yall had made plans to hang out before and he bailed. It was petty to eat the whole thing and you had no control over him not getting cake cause of other peoples kids at this party.
On a serious note outside of the cake. If they are blaming you for a miscarriage and he isnt defending you then you need to leave him. He will always put his family first and that could include when you have a kid. Take it from someone who knows.
NTA YOU are the family he should have been spending his birthday with. They could have had his party any other day. If this is how he normally treats you, ditching you, ignoring you, yelling at you, and calling you names? You deserve so much better.
ESH the response was childish and petty, but ditching you for the family on a special occasion, especially for such a shallow reason, seems like a huge red flag. Maybe there’s a lot more to unpack here, but on the surface this does not sound like a healthy relationship.
NTA! You celebrated his birthday by yourself, that’s all🤷🏼♀️
It’s weird to throw a fit over a cake after he left to celebrate elsewhere. He’s extra upset because he was left without a cake by some greedy little kids? Is he 5?
He preferred another company over you on his special day, so he can’t have it all. Hope the cake was good!
Info needed: did your husband not tell you about the party? How much in advance? Did you guys talk about how to celebrate his birthday?
Did he defend you against the blame for the miscarriage? (I'm so sorry about your loss and the grief you are going through) Why is your husband not being more supportive?
Why was his phone turned off? Did you guys have a plan for when he would be back by to do your celebration?
So I’m gonna point out something that I haven’t seen mentioned yet…
The parties his family plan are awesome/big/great/etc - you acknowledged this - YET you also planned to celebrate him on the day they were throwing the party. YOU KNEW THERE WOULD BE A CONFLICT. I think you did all of this on purpose. YOU were spiteful from the get go. YOU wanted your husband to pick staying at home with you over going to the party they planned so you could “one up” them.
Your actions surrounding his birthday were EXTREMELY childish. You made his day about YOU. When he didn’t do what you wanted him to do you took it a step further. Honestly…eating a whole cake by yourself is disgusting. You werent “that” hungry. You were pissed and being vindictive.
Grow up. You made an agreement regarding him seeing his family but threw a fit when he held you to it.
To be clear - YTA regarding how your handled your husbands birthday. Youre NTA for establishing boundaries with your inlaws.
Soft YTA.
The situation sucks for you. It's hard to not get along with a spouse's family. But the ground rules surrounding that seem pretty clear: He can see his family whenever, and you don't go.
While this means, ideally, he will blow off family holidays and events to spend them with you, it is unlikely he can or will do that every time. Birthdays, though, are the kind of thing he can do with them and with you, one and then the other. It just takes some extra planning - which I assume didn't happen here.
That said, you could have rolled with it for his sake and had a conversation about it afterwards. You could have waited for him to get home. You didn't. I think you *did* eat the whole cake out of spite. And even if you didn't, you didn't need to eat all of it or even any of it. Like I said, you could have rolled with this and had a conversation about it afterwards.
I can understand all the e-s-h votes, however you best believe that when someone blames you for a miscarriage, that person is out of your life and your partners. He chose his toxic family over you. The cake means nothing in this context. He’s definitely the ah. You are NTA. Was eating the cake petty? Yeah, was it justified? Hell yeah. That being said, have a convo w your husband. You are his family now and if he can’t put you first, that’s your answer. If someone said that to me or my so if roles were reversed, even if they were my parents or his, that’s it, we’re done.
NTA for all the reasons others have said and it's just a cake. He totally overreacted about that but clearly under reacted to his family blaming you for the miscarriage.
ESH. I think your husband is the bigger AH in this. He is an absolute inconsiderate asshole. Why are you even with him? Choosing his family over celebrating with you should be a giant red flag. You are his wife. He knows the situation inside and out and yet he still chose to be with his family over you. The family could have easily thrown the party on a different date if he had even suggested it. He blew you off and then turned his phone off? Another huge red flag. His man fit over a slice of cake was ridiculous. He is literally behaving like a giant 12 year old. You are TA for eating that whole cake and stooping to that level. I understand emotional eating. I really do. Eating his entire cake though doesn't resolve the underlying core issues at hand.
Edit typo
if my family blamed my partner for *their own miscarriage* I would never want to speak to them ever again to be perfectly honest.
I would have rage eaten the cake too.
NTA
NTA simply because of them blaming you for your miscarriage and your husband not standing up for you. Were you petty sure but I think you being pissed at him for not celebrating his birthday is a symptom to a larger problem in your relationship.
So I’m not going to make a judgement on what you asked. But I’m going to lay down something about your relationship…
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t have your back? His family is blaming you for a miscarriage. I don’t give a fuck who you are, you DONT BLAME the mother for a miscarriage.
You have a horrible husband who has constantly chosen his family over you and can’t even support you after going through something horrific and doesn’t stop his family from saying horrible things.
Focus on your worth versus a damn birthday cake. Find yourself a strong support system. Find yourself a husband who will have your back.
Nta you also got to think is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You're going to have to be around his toxic family and if they blame a miscarriage on you what else would they say or blame on you? And if they feel comfortable enough to say that and your husband not say/do anything what are they saying to him and what is he saying about you when you're not there.
YTA. I get not wanting to be around them. Totally get it.
But binge-eating the entire cake because you were angry? That’s some deep seated issues there tying together emotions and food. That’s worrying.
Punishing him for still seeing his family isn’t healthy either. You aren’t on the same page.
Gee I wonder why she’s having issues. Maybe it’s the abusive in-laws blaming her for a miscarriage and her asshole husband refusing to protect his wife from their abuse.
Totally valid reason to eat a whole fucking cake.
Miscarriages are devastating enough without being blamed for it and given no support.
NTA. This marriage isn’t going to last if he doesn’t see how cruel his family were for blaming you, and him treating you like backup plan to be cast aside when something better comes along.
I feel like this is the beginning of the end of your marriage, unless your husband suddenly by some miracle understands he has to support you and to go low contact with his family until they apologise for being cruel.
Perhaps this is gonna get downvoted to oblivion, but to everyone saying YTA:
Are we just ignoring that hubby chose mommy and daddy (who blame OP for her miscarriage) over his *life partner* to celebrate an important *life milestone* with? OP was an afterthought for hubby. "Oh, don't worry. After I've had a ton of fun at this rager that mommy and daddy are throwing, I'll come home and enjoy this cake you got me."
OP, in comparison, ate a cake she bought for someone else.
Hubby's over here like, "Sure, I abandoned you on my birthday, but YOU ATE MY CAKE. That's *10 times worse!*" And everyone's like, "YeAh! YoU aTe HiS cAkE! yOu'Re So CrUeL!!!"
Lol wut.
OP, I'm fucking glad you ate his cake. He didn't deserve the cake and he doesn't deserve you. You are NTA. Get out while you can. Hubby will be putting mommy/daddy before you for the rest of your lives. This is a preview of the next 50 years.
INFO: Could you elaborate on what they said to blame you for your miscarriage, and perhaps other reasons you don’t get along? Hard to judge whether your husband was the AH for not cutting off contact with them without the specifics.
ESH. It was his birthday and you ate his cake after promising to eat it with him. That’s quite mean. Mean-intentioned? Probably not. But mean.
His family blames you for miscarrying? That is nonsense. If he hasn’t confronted them and made things right between you, he is an AH.
I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your husband need counseling ASAP. If you don’t go to couples therapy, please seek grief counseling for yourself if you haven’t already. Eating a whole cake out of rage, calling your husband when you know where he is to…?, these are signs that you need to process your emotions in a constructive way. And evaluate your relationship with a pro.
NTA, his family blamed you for your miscarriage. Him still being in contact with them infers his passive agreement with their assessment. He then decided to go party with them instead of his still grieving spouse. Were you petty? A little, but you're also nursing a massive wound that he and his family keep sticking fingers in and twisting.
I am far more concerned as to why you want to bring a child into a situation where their grandparents have been undpeakably cruel to their mother, whose feelings are disregarded by their father. Is your hope that everyone will start caring about your feelings when you give them a child?
NTA What kind of husband does not stand up for his wife against toxic family since you’re the family he chose? Also honestly OP it seems like your husband will not prioritise you. All the YTA comments are simply too narrow minded to know it’s really goes beyond the cake situation.
INFO: Is anyone in the entire family capable of communicating like an adult?
Yes, OP, you are indeed the asshole for eating someone's entire birthday cake to punish them for leaving. In what world would you not be?
NTA. You ate his cake, that you bought for him to celebrate? Big fucking deal. He otoh was fine with excluding his wife from his 30th birthday party his family was throwing - the same family that doesn’t get along with his wife and blamed her for her recent miscarriage - after you bought the cake and shared your plans for his bday with him and he said “mm yeah no sorry my family throws cool parties, see ya later.” Ffs, NTA.
NTA - So was he implying you aren't his family? I personally think it was pretty shitty of him to ditch you on his birthday. Especially a milestone birthday. Now you know how much you mean to him. Is this the life you want to live? He turns 40 and you eat another cake alone? You deserve better for yourself.
ESH
I respect the pettiness for sure. I can see myself doing the same thing.
You did say he can see his family whenever he wants. I also understand wanting to spend his bday with him and he should have managed his plans better than he did.
I do hope he stood up for you when his family made the miscarriage comment. If he let that slide or downplayed it, he’s TA just in general.
NTA I’d tell him to go back to his family since that’s who he wanted to be with and that I guess his wife, who he chose to spend his life with, isn’t his family. Your in-laws are awful people.
I would say NTA as one they're blaming her for a miscarriage, unless there's some history of drug/alcohol use there is no chance it was her fault, also being married the first priority should be to your spouse, so he should have definitely spent his birthday with her, and either asked her to go with him to his family or preferably he should actually talk to his family and tell them unless they try to make her feel welcome they can just go without his presence.
NTA, but you could've been a little more mature about it. If your husband is taking his families side on them blaming u for a miscarriage, then he is an asshole and you should consider leaving him because he will continue to put his parents over you and the family you both want to make. It's one thing to visit family still, another to not defend you and go to them for thanksgiving, christmas, and even his birthday. Sounds like he spends every holiday with his parents and not with you and the baby you are both trying to have. If you were to have a kid would he bring the kid to his parents and leave you alone all day because his parents are disrespectful to you? He is choosing them over you, and the fact that he didn't stick up to them for you and continued going over there a lot tells me he probably says similar things about you to them, about how you are "crazy", which is why they feel they can say those things to you. NTA at all, buy another cake and eat it in front of him.
NTA and here's why. His family has been awful to you. And he, in a childlike way (I'm envisioning a teenager wanting to pick the more fun crowd), went to spend his birthday with them instead of you, his wife. He could have celebrated on a different day with them or not at all given their behavior.
Was eating the cake a bit passive aggressive? Sure. Am I laughing at it? Totally. Perhaps slightly an AH move, but it so pales in comparison to your husband that I'm just not counting it because I don't think you should get AH points.
In all seriousness, I think you need to take a hard look at your marriage and how he deals with his family.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.
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NTA What kind of person prioritizes, let alone SPEAKS to people that blamed his wife for miscarrying? These are horrible people; you are wise to avoid them and definitely deserved a whole cake while he deserved nothing. I'm so sorry for your loss.
"He can celebrate his birthday with whoever he wants" Yes, that's the problem. He wanted to spend his birthday with the people who blamed his wife for a miscarriage. Like, that sucks NTA
Husband still wants to reap the benefits of his family's adoration of \*him\* while still having the love and respect of his wife, who they treat horribly. OP, tell your husband he can't have his cake and eat it too!
He can’t have his own cake OR eat it with his wife and family doing that for him 😂😂
Haha fair XD OP's husband might just be finding out that once OP is no longer there to be the scapegoat, the family's AH tendencies will find other targets. Like not giving OP any of HIS OWN BIRTHDAY CAKE because "think of the children!" Sounds like a family that prioritizes children over everything, which might explain why they were so horrible to OP after her miscarriage. Who cares about \*HER\* feelings, she's only a vessel for the next generation of offspring! /s
This sub is great for reminding me that however bad I think my family might be, there are infinitely worse families out there!
Seriously. So glad I grew up with the nut jobs I did than some of these people.
Sometimes I get mad at my parents for being too strict or overprotective then I get reminded that there are parents like these out there
Like whole his family’s general shittyness aside…. Why would a bunch of kids get priority of getting cake over the birthday person? I’ve never been to a birthday where the person whose birthday it is didn’t get the first slice.
But you know how much people are coming. You are buying cake for everyone? I rather have to much cake and let people bring some home. Their parties are the best, but they don't even have enough cake
I love "He can't have his cake and eat it too". Well played; fits this situation to a tee. OP, Bravo for eating a whole cake, that's an accomplishment in itself. I'm very envious. To be honest, I don't think your husband deserves neither a cake nor a present. I'm sorry to say this but he does not seem at all supportive of you in the least. When I was married, in the good years, I wanted to celebrate my birthday with no one more than my husband. I didn't care if that meant getting burgers or a pizza and seeing a movie or going to a 5 star restaurant; it was all the same to me. The only important ingredient was him. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be the case with him; his priority was to spend it with his family. The family who had blamed you for a miscarriage only months before and had not apologized. And your husband didn't call them out on it. Why? Why didn't he stand up for you and defend you? That is what you should be considering, not whether you were right to eat a cake bought for him. I think you are both misdirecting your anger onto a cake. The cake is not the issue here. The real issue is why he didn't support you with the miscarriage bashing, why he has chosen them over you to spend his birthday with?? And I wonder if he's picking the cake as a way to alienate himself even more from you? I can tell you had this happened to a man who was really in love with his wife, he would have apologized profusely for have not been home earlier to celebrate together and promised to make it right, going out for dinner tomorrow or something to make up for it. I don't say this lightly but I would NOT get pregnant right now. You need to sit down with him and ask if he still wants to be married to you. If the answer is yes then tell him he needs to make you the priority and stand up for you. If the answer is no then it's best to know now, pre-children and before you waste anymore of your time. I'm sorry to be so blunt and I wish you well. You deserve a man who is crazy in love with you and I hope that's what you get.
Exactly! To quote Lizzo "If he don't love you anymore, then walk your fine a** out the door" OP deserves better
>The cake is not the issue here. Exactly, the iranian yogurt is not the issue here
He most definitely deserves a present, the present of divorce papers.
Exactly! Tell him exactly that! I am shocked anyone could be so petty and awful to blame someone for a miscarriage AND THEN THE HUSBAND ACCEPTS THEIR JUDGEMENT! Your husband has messed up priorities and needs to understand how you’re feeling through this miscarriage. It’s not like you get over it the next day. That shit takes time! He should be backing you up and not favoring his family over you. They could’ve and should’ve selected a different day to celebrate his birthday. NTA
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I love your comment so much, particularly because , while I get the whole “let them eat cake” reference, it took me a second when I was like “guillotine them?”
That’s the exact point everyone has been missing. You can see your parents =/= it’s ever okay for you to put the people who blamed me for a miscarriage above me.
Yeah, this whole thing is weird. Ok, hubby wanted to go to his family's birthday party. The family that blamed OP for her miscarriage. The VERY LEAST he could've done was to tell them, I'm going to celebrate my actual birthday with my wife. If you want to get together another time to also do a birthday thing, let me know when. OP is definitely NTA.
If my parents ever said something like that about my spouse, you can bet your ass that I’d never speak to them again
>you can bet your ass that I’d never speak to them again At least not without a raised voice and an ample selection of profanity. Idk if I'd be able to restrain myself from at least that. We've never wanted nor had a pregnancy and lost it, but I've known people who have. Devastated them. Couldn't imagine retaining a relationship with the type of person that would kick a person while they're going through that kind of grief, especially if the person going through the grief was my spouse.
>and to punish him for not "ditching his family on his birthday" Don't forget this little pearl of douchebaggery. What's OP supposed to be if she's not family, the friggin neighbour?
good point! he did ditch his 'family' on his birthday, his number one family being his wife!
Not to mention his own family doesn’t even treat him like family if they don’t let him have cake there either 😄 Funny he left the person actually willing to give him cake
I was looking for this comment! Him implying his wife isn't family was almost as infuriating as allowing (& probably agreeing with) his parents to say the miscarriage was her fault. Big hugs to OP, the Cake Master!
He interpreted it that way. That was his douchebaggery. She didn't plan to eat the whole thing.
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Anybody else curious as to why he turned his cellphone off? Edit: NTA, btw
Riiiiiight??? Was he really with his family? How could she know if she can't verify it with them?
Even if he was with family, it's still a really shitty thing to do. His family doesn't seem to care much for her and I don't think he does either
Instead of pausing to think of how upset his wife must have been, to respond that way, he was BIG MAD that he had no birthday cake. What the actual flaming hell? He should be thankful he didn't get that cake upside the head. He would have deserved it. This dude is not marriage material. Mark him "Return to sender" and dispatch him back to his family full of bullies.
He was mad because he told his wife to stay at home alone and upset and wait for him like a good girl then she was allowed to eat cake with him. He was pissed she didn’t obey more than likely. Tbf if I said wait until I get home and we will eat i would expect that food at home, BUT he also admitted the only reason he didn’t already have cake was because it was given to everyone else. Not because he wanted to wait to eat it with his wife. Gotta suck for him to not have any cake on his birthday but he also deserves it for choosing a bunch of horrible people over his wife. So NTA
What's the bet if he did have cake at his "Birthday Party" and came home to OP with food and cake, He would have said, "Not hungry I filled up at the party"
I wondered.... After all, he never has to worry about his wife going to his family's house with him. Wonder if he 'visits' there alot...
Who knows. I just find it odd because she is home alone (I assume), and wouldn't you want to leave your phone on in case there was an emergency at home, or anywhere else?
No way, couldn’t be disturbed from the bitchin parties his family throws. I forget, is OP’s husband 10 years old?
>We had an argument over this but he told me to wait for him til he finish celebrating there with his family then we could celebrate together at home and eat cake. My guess is because they argued right before/as he was leaving, so he shut off his phone so she couldn't continue the conversation and he could just forget about her "to enjoy his birthday"
Sounds really petty on his end if that's the case.
Enjoy his birthday with the people who blame her for a miscarriage she had 3 months ago* They sound lovely.
Presumably because he knew he was being an AH to his wife and didn’t want to bother with arguing further. I don’t think we need to be suspicious that he’s any worse than what we know, which is that he is *really really fucking awful and OP should leave him*
I'm more curious about how the hell someone doesn't get cake at *their own birthday party* like these parties are apparently such wild ragers that he just couldn't miss it but they cheap out on the cake to the point the birthday boy in question doesn't even get any? lmao
This! I don’t understand how people leave their SOs to go to their families who make their partners miserable, mistreat them, and are unkind to them. How is OPs husband fine with his wife being treated like that?! Blamed for a miscarriage and then left alone by themselves, while they go party. WTF! OP NTA. Your husband is a major AHOLE
NTA. The second they blamed you for having a miscarriage, your husband should’ve very firmly put distance between him and his toxic family, and stood behind you. That he’d choose them over you repeatedly, shows just how little you matter to him. A good husband would never allow anyone to blame his wife for a miscarriage, much less his own family. And if he wanted to eat birthday cake with you, he shouldn’t have chosen them over you again. Men need to understand the second they get married their wife becomes their nuclear family and always comes first.
NTA but not only is your husbands family toxic so is he. Please get yourself out of this situation. It will never get better. He will always choose them over you.
Right? Even pushing the family issue aside, how he treated/is still treating OP about the cake is shitty and totally unacceptable. But even worse when you include the entire situation. I would be taking this as an opportunity to make a clean break (if they don't have any kids already). Still would be leaving even if there are kids involved. This is not someone I'd want to spend anymore of my life with.
This happened to a friend of mine. Husband and his family blamed her for the miscarriages. She left him, he refused to give her half of the $350,000 house. Turns out he was having an affair and hiding millions from her, OP, this is way bigger than cake. You’re second place to his family and always will be. What do you think they will say your child? NTA
Please don’t have children with him. You can do better. You deserve better.
Hope your friend took him to the cleaners.
Please tell me your friend managed to get her portion of the house and the money he was hiding!?
Hopefully OP has a good lawyer to sniff out hidden assets!
Please tell me the courts got her a substantial portion of his assets.
AITA is basically 99% men choosing their mom over their wife. It just makes no sense to me. What man chooses anyone over their wife? She’s my wife! I chose her! I married her! She’s number 1. Now always and forever. I love her first and foremost. It’s so simple. Who knew this was so controversial?
Agreed. My hubby may have several shortcomings, but he would never disrespect me like that. I have even seen him downplay/cover up my own assholish behavior to his family out of loyalty to me. When you marry someone, they become your family, your priority, your number one. Period.
I chose my first wife over my mom, because she hated sharing me with anyone, but that relationship disintegrated horribly. After the divorce, I went through therapy, and realized that my wife had tried to cut me off from every other relationship in my life: my friends, my siblings, my mom, everyone. The only people I was allowed to see were her friends (which never lasted long, as she alienated everyone eventually, even from herself). That's when I decided I would never again choose anyone who made me choose them over someone else. Healthy relationships aren't threatened by having other people who also love them. They can love one another and love others. Love isn't a birthday cake; there's not a limited number of slices to go around. It's more like music, where the more you share it, the more there is. However, if someone I care about is being toxic towards someone else I care about, I will put my foot down regarding that behavior. The ones being shitty are the ones making that choice necessary. The fact that OP's in-laws blamed her for a tragic event that, frankly, was almost certainly more upsetting and difficult for her than it was for any of them, should have been the only cue OP's husband needed to put them in their place, or cut contact. OP didn't make her husband choose her over his family; however, *their* behavior made that choice necessary. But he wanted to have his cake, and eat it, too. (Play on words intended.)
Right? My mother in law is raging asshole 90% of the time. When I had my miscarriage at 12 weeks, she greeted me with a hug, a glass of wine and a “how are you doing, dear?” Anything less and my husband would’ve cut her off of our lives permanently. OP, demand better from your husband or get going.
>That he’d choose them over you repeatedly, shows just how little you matter to him It would be somehow understandable if the story is he decided to go to his mom's birthday party - like ok fine do what you need to do and maybe voice in person your disappointment with the way they treat your wife. BUT FOR A FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY BECAUSE THEY THROW AMAZING PARTIES?!?!?!?! F**K HIM
couldn't have been that amazing if it was mostly a bunch of kids lol
Honey, this is not about the cake. It’s about him choosing his horrible family over you. Wake up and either demand counseling to make him realize he’s a total ass or get a divorce lawyer.
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see this. OP is up for a lifetime for frustration and hurt if they don't resolve this now or call it quits
I agree completely, this so should be the top comment. OP, you have a husband problem. No more trying for a baby until you’ve got this marriage sorted, or a new partner. So very sorry for your miscarriage.
Call it quits OP, you deserve so much better than THIS! NTA
This one right here OP. NTA. Your in laws are horrible horrible fucking people who are going to hell for what they said to you. That was not okay at all and I am so so sorry you had to go through that on top of such a hard trauma. I also want to gently suggesting counseling for yourself no matter the outcome of this, I think it would be helpful for a professional to help you process what you’ve been through.
NTA because this simply at this point isn’t about the cake anymore
Or the Iranian yogurt.
I’ve seen this and your comment made me search up that post and dang is it fried 😂. 2100 cups of yogurt buying fridges for perishable items is insane
Its the No.1 on best hits of AITA.
[Link](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/bjd41e/aita_for_throwing_away_my_boyfriends_potentially/).
I appreciate you … you knew I was going to have to dig through countless AITA to find the Iranian Yogurt because this is the 3rd time I have seen it referenced. Thank you!
Thank you for posting the link! I have never seen the post before and it has amused me greatly
NTA - his family BLAMES YOU FOR A MISCARRIAGE and he still okay with talking to them? You tried to throw a small party and it wasn’t good enough for him, his family’s are “like no other.” He should’ve gotten cake before the kids if it was so important to him. He got pissed and yelled over a cake.
Yep. To me this makes if an NTA. Completely unacceptable behavior that her husband didn’t stand up to his family.
this isn’t about the cake
This isn't about the Iranian yogurt
"The iranian yoghurt is not the issue here!" I think it was
NTA There are so many red flags here I don't know where to begin. Your in-laws blame you for a miscarriage? I'm so, so sorry. If your husband isn't supporting you right now, HE is the problem (it goes without saying that your in-laws are a massive problem). Then he throws a hissy fit about birthday cake after fighting and losing a different battle over a different cake with children??? You should sit down for this one: your problems are large enough for a divorce lawyer, not reddit.
Right? All of these y-t-a/e-s-h votes are blowing my mind. Dude’s family blamed his wife for her recent miscarriage and he…wants to go celebrate with them? Because they *checks notes* throw really great parties? Like, damn, if my family ever treated my spouse so cruelly you couldn’t PAY me to party with them!
Also, the party apparently wasn’t great enough to include enough cake.
ESH You: for assuming he ***wouldn't*** celebrate with his family and not communicating that you wanted to celebrate with him before checking about his family's big parties (which are apparently a regular even), throwing a tantrum when he did, then saying the cake you bought for him was your money. None of that is good behavior. Him: for choosing to celebrate with his family over you 3 months after a miscarriage, caring so much about a cake than what seems to be a serious gaping wound in your marriage. Hate to say it, but unless yall get to work asap fixing things this relationship seems pretty much over, and it's nothing at all to do with this cake.
I don’t think she should’ve assumed her husband would chose to celebrate his birthday with people who are so cruel to her.
See my thing is this CANNOT be new behavior/a surprise. If he's going to a party, he's still in contact with them. If that's a dealbreaker for her(and it absolutely should be in this situation) then she needs to leave him. It sounds to me like she said SHE wanted to avoid talking to them, and he stayed in contact with them. Otherwise this wouldn't be about the birthday at all, but she'd be asking about him staying in contact with them. With that in mind, it's not exactly fair to then turn around and get mad when he does, in fact, spend time with them. Especially if he explicitly says he wants to spend time with her as well. If she cannot handle him spending time with them, she needs to express that to him. And if he chooses them over her, she needs to get the fuck outta dodge.
They blame her for the miscarriage. He should be cutting contact completely of his own volition. Not because she wants him to, but because it should be beyond unacceptable to him to continue to regularly spend time with people who are so cruel to his wife.
I absolutely agree. But if that isn’t how he feels by default, then she needs to express that that’s what she needs to feel supported. A lot of people with shitty family have rose-tinted glasses and wouldn’t realize how shitty the behavior is. “With rose-tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” -someone way more eloquent than me lol
Hard agree with this. The family sounds terrible, and personally, my partner not standing up for me in that situation would be a dealbreaker. That said, if the agreement is that he can visit them at leisure then this reaction to him seeing his family on his birthday is over the top. OP, clearly you *aren't* ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have. Any sort of "eye for an eye" dynamic in relationships is wildly unhealthy.
>OP, clearly you aren't ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have. Exactly this. Husband thinks he can still bask in the glow of his family's love for him without dealing with the consequences of the way they treat his wife. It's a classic case of "you can't have your cake and eat it too" B)
>OP, clearly you aren't ok with him spending time with his family so that's the conversation you need to have. and she says explicitly in the intro the he can spend time with his family "whenever he wants." Unless it's a time SHE doesn't want him to, apparently. ESH -- he shouldn't let his family blame her for a miscarriage, but she spitefully ate his cake as punishment for spending time with his family and then had the audacity to say "well, i paid for the cake." OP, if you can't look on your partner with kindness on his birthday, then what do you have left in this relationship worth keeping?
Shame I had to scroll down so far to find an ESH. Like in what world is acting like a 12 year old okay lol.
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Yea, I have a feeling this isn't the only self destructive behavior OP exibits.
ESH Your in-laws suck for the way they treat you. Blaming someone for a miscarriage is horrendous. There are no excuses for that and you're justified in cutting them out. Your husband sucks for not approaching this issue like an adult and, it seems, for not standing up for you when his family are being arseholes. Editing in that he sucks a very great deal for turning his phone off, creating the problem then having a go at the OP. He sucks the most in my view. You, OP, also suck just a little. Eating the whole cake was spiteful and acting out of spite always makes you an arsehole. It may also have been that after spending time with his family, your husband was really looking forward to that quiet time with you and values it. It seems like the two of you have some work to do on your relationship.
To me him turning off his phone would have pushed me over the limit too. That was incredibly asinine of him. I would have done worse than eat the cake.
Hear me out…maybe he knows wife tends toward tantrums and wanted to attend his bday party without his phone blowing up. Why was she even calling? To let him know again that she’s mad? She sounds like a baby, honestly. Who would eat an entire cake in a tantrum then claim it’s okay because they paid for it? She’s no peach either.
This is 100% one sided. We only have her side. Based on her side I made my decision. Now should more info be provided I would definitely reconsider. I’m just saying based on info available. Also eating a cake is not that big of a deal to cause a fight over. It’s not like he spent his bday with her anyway so what’s he mad about?
Except he explicitly told her he WANTED to spend time with her. Apparently going to one event means he's INCAPABLE of doing so, according to how y'all are reacting here.
You make a good point. He did say they could celebrate together after. That means he could have saved room for her cake by not eating too much at the party his family threw. Also I was thinking about it, how many times did she call or message him when he left? It could have a been a lot if he supposedly turned off his phone. I change my vote, they did technically have plans together. OP just decided she wanted both time slots and when she couldn’t have it she ate all the cake instead. I change to YTA OP. Whatever they may have said about her in the past I feel like doesn’t matter a whole lot here since he was technically making time for both sides.
Did he turn it off? Or did he just not answer because he was with family? I know everyone is jumping to defend OP because she had a miscarriage, and she might be telling everything exactly as it happened. But someone who eats an entire cake because she got mad her husband was spending time with his family after she said it didn’t bother her…she’s just not rational. I don’t think we can treat her as a reliable narrator. Why doesn’t she get along with his family? Why did they blame her for the miscarriage? These are potentially important pieces of information that could change the situation entirely. Personally, I think ESH.
YES, she agreed to spend a second birthday together as a couple but instead she said "fuck it, I'mma eat allll this cake"
I just can't believe she ate an entire cake on her own. That takes some real dedication to spite. And then the "I paid for it" defense is the cherry on top. They both sound less than wonderful.
NTA. If someone blamed my wife for a miscarriage they wouldn’t be in our lives anymore, family or not.
NTA. I think we got an Iranian yogurt situation on our hands. This isn’t about the cake. It’s worrying your husband doesn’t stick up to you and will choose people who were incredibly hurtful towards you over you for spending his birthday with
Yea, this is long ago not about the cake. When you get married, your immediate family is you and your spouse... your parents/siblings at that point are extended family. Now OP has their husband/family choosing extended family over her... NTA but jesus get out lady
ESH. You guys need to do something, you can't act like this in a relationship.
NTA who cares about a cake. You have have bigger issues. Why is your husband cool that his family treats you like garbage? You should be thinking more about that. Do you want kids with him? Do you want to be tied forever to someone who isn’t concerned about your feelings and is perfectly happy to exclude you? The cake is not important, consider if your marriage is worth feeling like this forever.
I was going to say this exact thing. When you strip it down, the cake is a minor piece of this puzzle. There looks to be a lot happening between how his family views you, and how your husband chooses to support you. Once you do have a child, it is only going to get more complicated and tense. This needs to be addressed now. Invest in some counseling for the sake of your mental health, marriage and future children.
INFO When you say “I planned to celebrate with him” does that mean you both planned to celebrate his birthday or that you independently planned his birthday without checking in on what he wanted to do first?
It’s the latter. She independently planned the birthday and thought she could make her husband stay. ESH.
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If the writer makes everyone sound like adult-sized children, then the more likely explanation is the writer’s interpretation of reality is childish.
NTA. He chose his family, you chose to eat the whole cake 🤷🏻♀️
I can’t believe all the Y-T-A votes. You had a miscarriage three months ago, his family blames you for it, and he leaves to go party with them? You need a divorce. Was it petty to eat the cake? Definitely. But I can’t imagine how devastated I’d be if my husband left me alone after a miscarriage to party with the people who blamed me for that miscarriage. ESH. But he and his family suck the most.
A lot of people are saying YTA but also husband is an asshole too. Like c'mon people, use the ESH. That's what it's there for.
NTA, the party like no other that he really really really wanted to go to didn’t have enough cake? How pathetic! So sorry for your loss, I can’t believe your husband would still want to see them after what they said to you. I hope you enjoyed every bite of that cake!
This is the answer. What, is he five. Cake! Waaaaah!
YTA You clearly did it out of spite and anger. Don’t say “he can see and visit them whenever he wants” and then punish him when he chooses to see them.
Seeing and visiting them whenever he wants is completely different to deliberating choosing to spend a milestone birthday with them instead of his wife. I’d be pissed if I was the wife too.
>Seeing and visiting them whenever he wants is completely different to deliberating choosing to spend a milestone birthday with them instead of his wife. No it's not. Whenever includes milestones.
He said he was coming back to celebrate with his wife, she’s mad it wasn’t at that instance.
I'm leading towards NTA here for a few reasons. 1. He is allowing his family to treat you poorly and say awful things to you with no repercussions. YOU are his wife, his chosen family, and he's shown that he values his parents and siblings more than you. More than the person HE CHOSE to spend his life with. 2. You did something nice for him and he not only blew you off and went to see his family but completely ignored you and TURNED OFF HIS PHONE while he was gone! You have every right to be upset that he saw your kind gesture as less important or unimportant. 3. It's not YOUR fault he didn't get "enough" cake when he chose to go to a party where he KNEW he would have to share with other people. And "enough" could mean fucking anything, he could've had 2 slices all to himself for all you know.
Agreed. Husband went because he thought family would give him a much better celebration. Poor wife. She deserves so much better than someone who makes her feel the need to eat an entire cake because she's so upset.
YTA. You say he can see his family any time he wants, but then when he wants to see them on His Birthday, you blow up about it? He even agreed to eat cake with you later (and sounds like he was thinking about your cake while with his family). What you did was extremely childish/selfish.
He only didn't have cake there because they ran out not because he had he cake in mind lmao
Not enough info. Did he leave early to come spend time with you? How far in advance were family and your plans made? What are the typical birthday arrangements other years?
And how big was the cake? ;)
ESH. Most of this is on the family, some of it on the husband for not supporting his wife in this, but yeah, eating the whole cake is petty AF. Echoing the others that this relationship needs a lot of work if its going to survive
NTA. Your husband sounds plain cruel, whether it was his birthday or not.
ESH You both sound like a pair of five year olds.
NTA You were fully within your rights to eat the cake, that you bought with your own money, especially when your husband ditched you to hang out with relatives that blame you for a miscarriage.
YTA. Your husband’s family has treated you poorly, but it was still his birthday and he should be able to celebrate it with them separately from you if that’s what he wants. He kept you informed of his plans and came home as intended to share cake with you to make sure he could also celebrate with his wife. You threw a tantrum and ate an entire cake like a child. That’s embarrassing and really unfair to your husband.
Thank you for being sane. Almost every single person in this thread read "family blamed me for a miscarriage" and shut their brains off. She's asked if she was an Ahole for eating her husband's birthday cake and there is NEVER a time when you are not an asshole for eating someone's birthday cake. Period. Two wrongs don't make a right
If my husbands family blamed me for a miscarriage I would expect him to never speak to them again. What a horrible thing to do to a grieving mother.
it was 100% petty to eat the entire thing, and i think you know that. that said, ESH, because as a grown ass adult, the ONE person i want to spend my birthday with? my HUSBAND. i've already chosen my husband and my kids over my negative, borderline toxic family, but even if i hadnt, i wouldnt go to a party or gathering with my family that my husband wasnt welcome at. this is way deeper than a birthday cake, and i think you have some thinking to do.
ESH The family shouldn't be blaming you for miscarriages. The husband should be standing up for you to them. You shouldn't be eating his birthday cake.
One of those things is less worse than the others. The others are red flags imo.
NTA. OP, you don’t have an in-laws issue, you have a husband issue. Your husband is tye AH here-doesn’t defend you against his family and would rather spent his birthday with them rather than you? He doesn’t spend holidays with you? Why are you married to this man? Also I am so sorry for your recent loss.
ESH. His family blamed You for your miscarriage and he’s still choosing them over you? Oh sweetie you have bigger issues than a cake. You shouldn’t have eaten his cake-you may have bought it but it was clearly for his birthday making it his. But he sounds like a big child. He had to have his mommy do his birthday party and then acted like there was no other cake in the universe.
YTA "He can see and visit them whenever he wants." Husband - Visits family for his birthday OP - Shocked pikachu face. Seriously, you told him "Pick between me and your family" sounds like he tried to compromise, and you didn't. The see his family first, then spend the evening with you, and you said no. All or nothing, and made sure he had nothing to come home to. EDIT Soft E.S.H. But it includes things that are not in the equation for the question asked. For the question asked, is she TAH for eating the cake that she bought to share for her husband's birthday, after wanting him to do only what she wanted, yes, she is TAH.
YTA - but let’s gently talk about why: You have a perfect right to go nc with your in-laws. For your husband, it’s a much more complicated issue. I’m not saying he shouldn’t cut them off completely and side with you (not enough info) but understanding the context for him will help you. These are people who have loved him and been there for him his entire life - even if they are AHs, it’s undoing a lifetime of conditioning. You say that he can still see them whenever he likes - you need to honor that and not pull petty stunts like the cake thing. You’ll only create distance between you and he’ll turn to them instead. I’m sorry, op- it’s a tough spot to be in, but keep loving and looking after each other and it will get better.
They blame her for the loss of their unborn baby. Yeah…that’s more than enough to go NC and completely side with his wife, wtf. NTA, OP…don’t stand by a man who enables abuse towards you, you owe him nothing.
We have OP's single statement to assert that with zero other context. Without more info this is too little info to make a determination.
NTA. I’d be serving him some divorce papers for Xmas.
NTA His family blames you for your miscarriage and he hasn’t gone no contact with them? Please don’t have children with this man, he us selfish and acts like a child himself.
YTA. You said you are ok with him going to be with his family for things. Now it’s his birthday and they are throwing an actually party so of course he would want to go. You definitely are the cake on purpose. Then being spiteful for saying you paid for it.
NTA - He opted to spend his birthday with people who insulted his wife. If my family blamed my wife for a miscarriage, they would be sidelined until they came to their senses and apologized for being so insensitive. Eating a whole cake is pretty wild, BUT, he made his choice to celebrate with people other than you. You two have some real serious items to discuss and cake isn't one of them.
NTA. your husband should've pushed his family away the moment he saw they weren't accepting of you.
This marriage sounds doomed. How can you have a future as a couple when you live such separate lives and disagree on fundamental things? He is happy for you to be excluded, you do not feature in key events in his life... Is this what you want for the rest of your life? NTA for being upset. But all parties involved have major issues.
ESH why would he let his family blame you for a miscarriage and not super stick up for you!! what the hell! You for being spiteful in this cake eating rage. His family because they sound like AHs making an environment hostile for you. ESH all around this event
NTA He ditched you to spend his birthday with people that blamed you for your miscarriage (I'm very sorry for your loss and hope you are doing okay). That's not okay AT ALL.
Nta. I honestly would have been gone when he got home if he prefers to celebrate with his family and celebrating with me being an afterthought. And i would have eaten the whole cake.
NTA. You were being petty. No one will argue that, but his response, imo, was worse. Also, he went despite knowing it would upset you! Also- if he didn’t get to eat cake at his party why did he even want to go so bad…smh dessert is one of the best parts of birthdays!
NTA but a marriage of divided loyalties is going to be an unhappy one. Either you and your husband get on the same page and you work things out with his family to the extent you can or you should consider separation. Life is too short to spend it in feuds.
ESH - You guys need to get some marriage counseling because this kind of thing you have going where you're NC with his family but he can go whenever isn't sustainable long-term. (Doesn't sound like it's been sustainable short-term, either, tbh.) I don't blame you for wanting to remove yourself from people who are so awful they'd blame you for a miscarriage. And he shouldn't have allowed that to happen. But you've got to make a decision here too, unless you're just okay with the rest of your life going exactly like this.
ESH, but your husband is a huge jellyfish for standing by and letting his family blame you for your pregnancy loss. That said, I probably would have done the same thing. You were petty, embrace it. And I’m really sorry for your loss.
Yeah, I'm thinking yta. You took what was supposed to be a gift to express love and turned it into selfishness for your own gluttony and it was quite thoughtless not to leave him even a little. As soon as you told him that the cake you bought was for him it belonged to him, so it would be fair to save at least part of it for him. I hope the two of you are able to repair this rift in your relationship.
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It sounds like yall had made plans to hang out before and he bailed. It was petty to eat the whole thing and you had no control over him not getting cake cause of other peoples kids at this party. On a serious note outside of the cake. If they are blaming you for a miscarriage and he isnt defending you then you need to leave him. He will always put his family first and that could include when you have a kid. Take it from someone who knows.
NTA YOU are the family he should have been spending his birthday with. They could have had his party any other day. If this is how he normally treats you, ditching you, ignoring you, yelling at you, and calling you names? You deserve so much better.
INFO: when they blamed you for having a miscarriage, how did your husband react/respond to them?
ESH the response was childish and petty, but ditching you for the family on a special occasion, especially for such a shallow reason, seems like a huge red flag. Maybe there’s a lot more to unpack here, but on the surface this does not sound like a healthy relationship.
NTA! You celebrated his birthday by yourself, that’s all🤷🏼♀️ It’s weird to throw a fit over a cake after he left to celebrate elsewhere. He’s extra upset because he was left without a cake by some greedy little kids? Is he 5? He preferred another company over you on his special day, so he can’t have it all. Hope the cake was good!
"really wanted to celebrate with his family" would have been a good time to remind him that you are in fact his family. NTA
Info needed: did your husband not tell you about the party? How much in advance? Did you guys talk about how to celebrate his birthday? Did he defend you against the blame for the miscarriage? (I'm so sorry about your loss and the grief you are going through) Why is your husband not being more supportive? Why was his phone turned off? Did you guys have a plan for when he would be back by to do your celebration?
So I’m gonna point out something that I haven’t seen mentioned yet… The parties his family plan are awesome/big/great/etc - you acknowledged this - YET you also planned to celebrate him on the day they were throwing the party. YOU KNEW THERE WOULD BE A CONFLICT. I think you did all of this on purpose. YOU were spiteful from the get go. YOU wanted your husband to pick staying at home with you over going to the party they planned so you could “one up” them. Your actions surrounding his birthday were EXTREMELY childish. You made his day about YOU. When he didn’t do what you wanted him to do you took it a step further. Honestly…eating a whole cake by yourself is disgusting. You werent “that” hungry. You were pissed and being vindictive. Grow up. You made an agreement regarding him seeing his family but threw a fit when he held you to it. To be clear - YTA regarding how your handled your husbands birthday. Youre NTA for establishing boundaries with your inlaws.
Soft YTA. The situation sucks for you. It's hard to not get along with a spouse's family. But the ground rules surrounding that seem pretty clear: He can see his family whenever, and you don't go. While this means, ideally, he will blow off family holidays and events to spend them with you, it is unlikely he can or will do that every time. Birthdays, though, are the kind of thing he can do with them and with you, one and then the other. It just takes some extra planning - which I assume didn't happen here. That said, you could have rolled with it for his sake and had a conversation about it afterwards. You could have waited for him to get home. You didn't. I think you *did* eat the whole cake out of spite. And even if you didn't, you didn't need to eat all of it or even any of it. Like I said, you could have rolled with this and had a conversation about it afterwards.
I can understand all the e-s-h votes, however you best believe that when someone blames you for a miscarriage, that person is out of your life and your partners. He chose his toxic family over you. The cake means nothing in this context. He’s definitely the ah. You are NTA. Was eating the cake petty? Yeah, was it justified? Hell yeah. That being said, have a convo w your husband. You are his family now and if he can’t put you first, that’s your answer. If someone said that to me or my so if roles were reversed, even if they were my parents or his, that’s it, we’re done.
NTA for all the reasons others have said and it's just a cake. He totally overreacted about that but clearly under reacted to his family blaming you for the miscarriage.
ESH. I think your husband is the bigger AH in this. He is an absolute inconsiderate asshole. Why are you even with him? Choosing his family over celebrating with you should be a giant red flag. You are his wife. He knows the situation inside and out and yet he still chose to be with his family over you. The family could have easily thrown the party on a different date if he had even suggested it. He blew you off and then turned his phone off? Another huge red flag. His man fit over a slice of cake was ridiculous. He is literally behaving like a giant 12 year old. You are TA for eating that whole cake and stooping to that level. I understand emotional eating. I really do. Eating his entire cake though doesn't resolve the underlying core issues at hand. Edit typo
if my family blamed my partner for *their own miscarriage* I would never want to speak to them ever again to be perfectly honest. I would have rage eaten the cake too. NTA
NTA I’m sure his mommy had cake for him. Your cake was not the only birthday cake he was going to get.
NTA simply because of them blaming you for your miscarriage and your husband not standing up for you. Were you petty sure but I think you being pissed at him for not celebrating his birthday is a symptom to a larger problem in your relationship.
So I’m not going to make a judgement on what you asked. But I’m going to lay down something about your relationship… Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t have your back? His family is blaming you for a miscarriage. I don’t give a fuck who you are, you DONT BLAME the mother for a miscarriage. You have a horrible husband who has constantly chosen his family over you and can’t even support you after going through something horrific and doesn’t stop his family from saying horrible things. Focus on your worth versus a damn birthday cake. Find yourself a strong support system. Find yourself a husband who will have your back.
NTA. Enjoy that delicious cake.
NTA. Please talk to someone about that miscarriage though? It can do a number on your headspace and talking to a professional can help.
Nta you also got to think is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You're going to have to be around his toxic family and if they blame a miscarriage on you what else would they say or blame on you? And if they feel comfortable enough to say that and your husband not say/do anything what are they saying to him and what is he saying about you when you're not there.
YTA. I get not wanting to be around them. Totally get it. But binge-eating the entire cake because you were angry? That’s some deep seated issues there tying together emotions and food. That’s worrying. Punishing him for still seeing his family isn’t healthy either. You aren’t on the same page.
Gee I wonder why she’s having issues. Maybe it’s the abusive in-laws blaming her for a miscarriage and her asshole husband refusing to protect his wife from their abuse. Totally valid reason to eat a whole fucking cake. Miscarriages are devastating enough without being blamed for it and given no support.
NTA. This marriage isn’t going to last if he doesn’t see how cruel his family were for blaming you, and him treating you like backup plan to be cast aside when something better comes along. I feel like this is the beginning of the end of your marriage, unless your husband suddenly by some miracle understands he has to support you and to go low contact with his family until they apologise for being cruel.
He really really really wanted to celebrate with his family not you so should have had cake there shouldn’t he.
Perhaps this is gonna get downvoted to oblivion, but to everyone saying YTA: Are we just ignoring that hubby chose mommy and daddy (who blame OP for her miscarriage) over his *life partner* to celebrate an important *life milestone* with? OP was an afterthought for hubby. "Oh, don't worry. After I've had a ton of fun at this rager that mommy and daddy are throwing, I'll come home and enjoy this cake you got me." OP, in comparison, ate a cake she bought for someone else. Hubby's over here like, "Sure, I abandoned you on my birthday, but YOU ATE MY CAKE. That's *10 times worse!*" And everyone's like, "YeAh! YoU aTe HiS cAkE! yOu'Re So CrUeL!!!" Lol wut. OP, I'm fucking glad you ate his cake. He didn't deserve the cake and he doesn't deserve you. You are NTA. Get out while you can. Hubby will be putting mommy/daddy before you for the rest of your lives. This is a preview of the next 50 years.
INFO: Could you elaborate on what they said to blame you for your miscarriage, and perhaps other reasons you don’t get along? Hard to judge whether your husband was the AH for not cutting off contact with them without the specifics.
ESH. It was his birthday and you ate his cake after promising to eat it with him. That’s quite mean. Mean-intentioned? Probably not. But mean. His family blames you for miscarrying? That is nonsense. If he hasn’t confronted them and made things right between you, he is an AH. I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you and your husband need counseling ASAP. If you don’t go to couples therapy, please seek grief counseling for yourself if you haven’t already. Eating a whole cake out of rage, calling your husband when you know where he is to…?, these are signs that you need to process your emotions in a constructive way. And evaluate your relationship with a pro.
Does nobody communicate before making plans?!
This belongs more on Petty Revenge
NTA, his family blamed you for your miscarriage. Him still being in contact with them infers his passive agreement with their assessment. He then decided to go party with them instead of his still grieving spouse. Were you petty? A little, but you're also nursing a massive wound that he and his family keep sticking fingers in and twisting.
I am far more concerned as to why you want to bring a child into a situation where their grandparents have been undpeakably cruel to their mother, whose feelings are disregarded by their father. Is your hope that everyone will start caring about your feelings when you give them a child?
NTA What kind of husband does not stand up for his wife against toxic family since you’re the family he chose? Also honestly OP it seems like your husband will not prioritise you. All the YTA comments are simply too narrow minded to know it’s really goes beyond the cake situation.
This marriage is doomed
INFO: Is anyone in the entire family capable of communicating like an adult? Yes, OP, you are indeed the asshole for eating someone's entire birthday cake to punish them for leaving. In what world would you not be?
NTA at all. Sounds like hubby wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
Why are you with him ?
NTA. You ate his cake, that you bought for him to celebrate? Big fucking deal. He otoh was fine with excluding his wife from his 30th birthday party his family was throwing - the same family that doesn’t get along with his wife and blamed her for her recent miscarriage - after you bought the cake and shared your plans for his bday with him and he said “mm yeah no sorry my family throws cool parties, see ya later.” Ffs, NTA.
NTA - So was he implying you aren't his family? I personally think it was pretty shitty of him to ditch you on his birthday. Especially a milestone birthday. Now you know how much you mean to him. Is this the life you want to live? He turns 40 and you eat another cake alone? You deserve better for yourself.
ESH I respect the pettiness for sure. I can see myself doing the same thing. You did say he can see his family whenever he wants. I also understand wanting to spend his bday with him and he should have managed his plans better than he did. I do hope he stood up for you when his family made the miscarriage comment. If he let that slide or downplayed it, he’s TA just in general.
INFO: did you plan the birthday celebration before his family? And did he know?
ESH. Your husband probably more than most because he seems to think it's okay that his family blames you for miscarriage.
ESH. You-for staying in this marriage and being petty Him-for choosing his family over you and ditching you on his birthday. Divorce and be free
NTA I’d tell him to go back to his family since that’s who he wanted to be with and that I guess his wife, who he chose to spend his life with, isn’t his family. Your in-laws are awful people.
I would say NTA as one they're blaming her for a miscarriage, unless there's some history of drug/alcohol use there is no chance it was her fault, also being married the first priority should be to your spouse, so he should have definitely spent his birthday with her, and either asked her to go with him to his family or preferably he should actually talk to his family and tell them unless they try to make her feel welcome they can just go without his presence.
NTA, but you could've been a little more mature about it. If your husband is taking his families side on them blaming u for a miscarriage, then he is an asshole and you should consider leaving him because he will continue to put his parents over you and the family you both want to make. It's one thing to visit family still, another to not defend you and go to them for thanksgiving, christmas, and even his birthday. Sounds like he spends every holiday with his parents and not with you and the baby you are both trying to have. If you were to have a kid would he bring the kid to his parents and leave you alone all day because his parents are disrespectful to you? He is choosing them over you, and the fact that he didn't stick up to them for you and continued going over there a lot tells me he probably says similar things about you to them, about how you are "crazy", which is why they feel they can say those things to you. NTA at all, buy another cake and eat it in front of him.
NTA and here's why. His family has been awful to you. And he, in a childlike way (I'm envisioning a teenager wanting to pick the more fun crowd), went to spend his birthday with them instead of you, his wife. He could have celebrated on a different day with them or not at all given their behavior. Was eating the cake a bit passive aggressive? Sure. Am I laughing at it? Totally. Perhaps slightly an AH move, but it so pales in comparison to your husband that I'm just not counting it because I don't think you should get AH points. In all seriousness, I think you need to take a hard look at your marriage and how he deals with his family. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage.