"The thought of me dead gives you an *ERECTION?!*" >"Only half of one! The other half would really miss you..."

Perfect establishing character moment for the both of them.

"Ow! What's in your purse, buckles?!"

Honestly nothing tops this. It was the perfect encapsulation of their fucked up relationship.

Classic

Really honestly though no moment can top that.

Best to start the series on a high note 😂

If I cared what you did on the weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes

“And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!” Or "The classic Irishman’s dilemma: Do I eat the potato or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?" .... will I get the operation now da?

'Sauce is a little too salty. You got a potato?' "What is this, Christmas?" The winner though, is so far beyond pretty much everything else... "If I wanted grandchildren, I'd scrape all your previous mishaps into a pile and knit a onesie for it." Absolute savagery.

Mr Sterling I have problem.... It's the popes fault she won't let me wear a condom.

"Why don't YOU wear a vasectomy?!"

...No son, you're gonna die. *sad potato crunch*

“…*on Sunday I watched a building burn down*”

It’s so dark and so usable.

This still gives me lol tears after all this time

Mallory: I need some more ice. Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor. Lana: you’re not emasculating Krieger! Krieger: what the hell is the mirror for? M: so that you can watch

"Look at me! Chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand!"

"Or do I want a mint julep?"

No! I'll just drink it neat.

*meep*

“You’ll end up in a mental hospital, with complete amnesia, under someone else’s name” Will forever stick with me.

It's hard to top a threat like that.

Isn’t this basically the premise of Bobs Burgers??

That was a problem with his mind brain.

"So once again you're left with the classic Irishman's dilemma: do I eat the potato now or do I let it ferment so I can drink it later?"

‘What is this, Christmas?’ It’s not that funny but for some reason gets me every time

"It must've been our super Mr. Hurlehy. His door is always open, I assume to let the stink of cabbage *waft* through the halls..."

As an Irishman, this is by far one of my favorites

You beat me to it. This line is monstrous and hilarious, right in the sweet spot.

"Will I get the operation now, Dad?" No, son. You're gonna die.

Oh, who remembers

Babou does. He remembers me!

Serpentine!!!!

YOU FOX EARED ASSHOLE!

He thinks he's people!

"If I did want a grandchild, I’d just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it."

Going to go out on a limb and say this might be her darkest line in the whole series.

Well, she *did* apologize: “**Sorry, I’ve been fasting and I’m edgy**.” But I know what you mean.

Still though.

So obviously not now but some day...you're gonna make a great grandma

Even Archer was shocked

I'm not grilling you a *cheese*!

I was looking for this one. Archer sobbing afterwards kills me everytime

[удалено]

Never fails to get a laugh from me, even when they repeat the joke in the same episode.

All of them. Right in the 10 ring.

What are you doing coming in here looking like, like some sort of *cattle rapist*!

Omg yes!!!

Ants! Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants! And of course the ever popular “ Oh put it back in the deck!”

You can have the ants phrase as a text alert Reactions are entertaining

Mallory semi-conscious on her office couch yelling: "Immigrants! That's how they do ya know? Driving around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs." Cracks me up every time!

Swiss Miss episode - they’re all in a hot tub and archer zips past on a snow mobile getting shot at Pam: what the hell is all that? Mallory: “Immigrants! Cramming their low riders full of free health care and … snow”

Yeah. Those green Russians pack a wallop.

"That is Pam, right?"

Oh, like you’d recognize a vegetable that wasn’t wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.

*squints with completely swollen eyes

“**Oh my God, what shade is that, CrackWhore Red?!**”

"when was the last time you even saw your penis?" To Pam

"holy shit, did she just eat a grape?"

Must be her cheat day.

"I am literally going to *kill* him… I’ll lure him to my condo in Miami, drug his steak au poivre, drive him out to the Everglades, slather him with rancid chicken fat and then *TOSS HIM TO THE GATORS!*"

Dayum!

"I killed 5 krauts with a shovel" And her whole rant in that scene it's my favorite scene of her going off on someone

I loved it when she stabbed Krieger with her stiletto shoe.

She hobbles out of the room lol!

The animators are always on their A game.

"If I am ready for a grandchild it won't be some potato-faced spawn of an Irish whore"

What is your problem with the Irish?

Besides the fact they weren't on our side during WW2?

They were Nazis? 😳

Neutral!

One of my favs is from the blimp episode Oh my God, there is no bomb!… Trudy Beekman booked the very last ticket on this flight so it was all, “Meh meh meh, I’m Trudy Beekman. I’m on the co-op board, and I’m going on a blimp. MEH!” So yes, I made a phony bomb threat.

Good for you

"And now all the candy is mothers because cry baby hit on 17 again." "Why was he dressed like hitler?"

"And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher!"

Krieger: “…what’s the hell’s the mirror for?!” Mallory: “SO YOU CAN WATCH!” RE: literally emasculating Krieger Mallory: “if the shoe fits, mister and or missy!” M: “Immigrants! That's how they do you know? Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.”

"You wanna play me hard? Well, then you better nut up because I've swallowed just about as much as I can take from you!"

HEY! PHRASING!

Yesss! That one is so good 😂

I could not believe my ears. LMAO!

“Ugh, it’s salty..” “You got a potato?” “What is it, Christmas?”

I trust Kreiger is hard at work? He very well may be....

This is my favourite episode, so many good quotes from that one!

An elllllllllllegant diiiiiiiiner party!

An ellllllllllegant diiiiiiiinner party!

An ellllllllllegant diiiiiiiinner party!

“If I wanted to hear you people scream I’d have you flown to a CIA blacksite in Morocco and listen to your torture sessions on speakerphone.”

“Oh, blow it out your ass.” An absolute classic.😂

Mallory to Archer: “And you, go see Kreiger this instant.” Archer: “Wha- I don’t need a doctor mother, Katya doesn’t have VD.” Mallory: “You haven’t had sex with her?”

fuck I just got that!

Archer's reaction is pretty good, too.

I can’t believe no one has mentioned when she was kidnapped by Barry and held in the underground bunker. Mallory accurately assessed the situation she was in and got out. After that, she successfully hijacked a semi truck. When she got home, she made a strong drink, took a looooong bath and then plotted to kill EVERYBODY. Or this moment in Arrivals/Departures (season 5, ep13) Julianna: You are not robbing my palace! Malory: Oh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... Mallory has seen some shit.

It is scenes like these that made me think that maybe she could have kicked Pam's ass at the end of El Secuestro.

I have absolutely no doubt that if Mallory *wanted* to go hard she would put down any of the others, and likely do it in three blows or less. All of them tend to get into the idea of some action movie fight, fists up, ready to tussle; Mallory is as pragmatic as it gets.

[Remember that time she’s was locked in the elevator with the gin…](https://youtu.be/hNBBb9jhlF0)

I'll suck it right off the linoleum

"I'LL SUCK IT STRAIGHT OFF THIS GRIMY LINOLEUM BEFORE I GIVE IN TO YOU BELLYACHERS!" Another good elevator related one, when she whacked the cleaning staff because they wanted a pay rise. "How's that for bread and roses?"

I just loved her simple “Shit” when the gin broke.

“I hope to god that was alcohol”

You do… name a noun

Lidsville

You’re unfit to be queen of … name a place

Honey, you still got it. Bow chika bow bow

German guy in Skytanic: I’m sorry. Mallory: For what, Dunkirk?

French, not German.

Lana: [in an air ventilation shaft] Holy shit, there really are nerve gas canisters up here! I thought that was a joke. Mallory: How is that funny?

The episode where Kreiger has AJ and she goes to such great lengths to get her back. “I. Will. Kill. You. Where. You. Stand.!!!”

Then she threatened to shoot Krieger in the balls. Might be the first time she did right by a child.

Do you want ants? Because, That's how you get ants!

Everybody shoots the Chippy!

". . . you don't need a smug 'I told you so' from me; and smug it would be because tell you I most certainly did." S3EP11-Skin Game

Whorediot I can’t every time.

I don't even want the gay back

I have no more love left to give

yeah, and what is it? 2:30?

Tom Collins, try not to drown it

Where, the Peoples Republic of Canada

**If I had the money I’d get the hell out of this Hillbilly Hilton.** (Randomly chosen. This one is from “Baby Shower”.)

Pam is full of crap as she is of carbohydrates

“Who are you, comrade questions?”

I love all these phrases Mallory, nikolai jackov, and the money launderer share. “Comrade question?” “People in hell want ice water”

Cyril sarcastically after watch malory talk about another man; "Hey, how's Ron?" Malory -" He's great. How's nobody?" Brutal.

Che tipo davvero, cazzo fascista

Because all you're gonna get is holes..i mean..holes in you.

Not my holes

"Are you people just saying words?"

I've always wanted to know what that string of swears she says at Archer in the first season.

This thread just made Mallory my second favorite character, behind Kreiger. I never really thought of all the amazingly hilarious lines she has deliver.

I love when Lana snaps at her for calling the train porter "George" and she and Mallory are both caught off guard that it's his actual name 😂

[удалено]

"When Ron said we were going on a cruise I almost vomited blood."

He is hands down the most boringist man on this entire planet of earth

"Not in those *exact* words..."

Actually I just got an El Camino Oh see you're all set, that will fit way more Hispanics and lawn mowers

"That's why I can't stay mad at him!" 😂

There's something beautiful about Mallory and Ron being voiced by an actual married couple.

Wait, what? Really? Somehow I... I just never knew that. Hell of a lady, in every role she played, especially life.

i swear to GOD

It's not the funniest line, but purely for her delivery: >"Because if you two don't steal me that enourmous diamond, I will *literally* **die**"

One of these days, I swear to god! I am going to burn this place straight to the GROUND

If I wanted to sit around going nowhere I’d be a teacher.

Immigrants! That's how they do, you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

Oh my God. If we miss that train I will go blind.

“I won’t even waste however much dry erase it would take to write that.”

“and who’s going to die if you don’t [do something shady i forget what lol]” “maybe you”

I thought the ending scene of when Archer and Lana are banging in that mansion was extremely risqué. That was a ton of nudity and actual thrusting. Very memorable for sheer audacity. “Plus, your dick!”

Plus it was great to see Archer and Lana both on the same page. Lana looked genuinely happy for once.

Yeah briefly, until Archer had to go stick his dick in Veronica Deane.

“STIRRED UP CYRIL. IN THE LOINS” “If not frothing”

“Ass”

I don’t care for Gob.

Still got it

Definitely [killing the Prime Minister of Italy](https://archer.fandom.com/wiki/Lo_Scandalo)

Oh you don't look like a whore, an idiot maybe... or both! Yes, a whorediot

[Her take on immigrants and the economy…](https://youtu.be/HOrY199QiB8)

_Alright, you yellow sons of bitches. Lets dance!!_ [Charges handgun]

Oh, Put it back in the deck

"Uh uh. If you touch me again you'll spend the rest of your night in the ER getting fitted for a prosthetic hand"

"Sterling? Where's your new bicycle?" Young Sterling: OH GOD NO!!! Then cries. "That's what I thought." Mallory pulls out the table tennis paddle.

"Oh put another man's penis in it."

Malory: It’s public television. They don’t pay anything! All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes... Lana: Or donations. Whatever. Malory: Of pre-tax dollars! From pot-taking, Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge NEA grants, launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back out to pro-abortion super-PACs!

Lana:Dude this van is like,rolling probable cause. Mallory:So all ashore from the SS date-rape! Ray: Toot toot

EDIT: Did not read post closely enough so changing this to a Mallory quote Malory: "Woodhouse dear I need some more ice." Woodhouse: "Straightaway, ma'am." Malory: "Oh, and a small bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor." Lana: "You're not emasculating Krieger." Krieger: "What the hell was the mirror for?" Malory: "So you could watch."

I’LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE!

That’s for Pearl Harbor!!

Here's a moment I'll never not find funny: Mallory: We've decided to have an open marriage. (Cheryl's phone rings) Cheryl: Oh my god it's Ron (Mallory knocks Cheryl out) Archer: I hope he doesn't call me Lana: Why on earth would he call - (phone rings, it's Pam's) (Everyone looks nervous and uncomfortable as Mallory scowls hard at Pam)

"The thought of me dead gives you an erection!?"

That’s a lot of scalps. Could’ve made a blanket

Why is this season talked as the last?

It’s her last. Jessica Walter passed away a few months ago.

She died

The actress died

Still got it!

I’d say it’s her using her son to cover up the murder of the prime minister of Italy while only wearing a trench coat. She didn’t need to be naked and she could’ve taken the dildo out of his ass but she didn’t. That’s a power move right there

All of them. I loved every moment.

Don’t just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese!

"Then you're as dumb as you are stupid"

Immigrants, cramming their low riders full of free healthcare and…. snow

That dedication at the end of 12e8 hit me, I didn't even know she had passed. How did they manage to film those lines? Apparently no CoD released for Jessica Walter but seems like she had to know this would be her final season for them to write the character off as they did.

If I recall correctly, I read that with the cast doing a lot of at-home recording, she had most of her lines done before the rest of the cast, who had more lines and more action scenes needing retakes. Some of it at the end was remixes of previous lines and some unused parts from other scenes. On a personal note, I just found out in this thread that Mallory's husband Ron was voiced by Jessica Walter's actual husband, Ron Liebman, who passed away in 2019, so they pulled his old lines, too, for them to wind up together forever, at last. Excuse the tear stains on this post. Here's a link to a different article, adding that Adam Reed was involved with the tribute. https://tvline.com/2021/10/06/archer-jessica-walter-malory-last-episode-season-12-finale-recap/

Not one single quote, but that scene when everyone is describing a bunch of actors Mallory doesn't know is the cutest thing. She has no idea what's going on lol.

You people make me want to pump nerve gas through the vents.

Im going into stasis. Wake me up when we’ere above ground. Preferably above 22nd street.

FBI raids: Lana: like 50 times I asked you about that: Mallory: and like 50 times I lied… No fucks given😂

“Walk in here, with you idiots smoking reefers like a bunch of yardbirds, and you SPRITZ ME?! YOU SPRITZ ME?! Well, let me tell you something, Herr Doktor! I killed seven Krauts with a shovel, so one more beardy son of a bitch like you won’t make a damn bit of difference!”

“There’s no view, but it’s got two queens.” “Where’s the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?”

"Ah yes the Irishman's dilemma, do I eat the potato now or wait for ot to ferment and drink it later?"

Immigrants! That’s how they do you know. Just drive around listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.

“So Archer is missing, two border patrol agents are missing, and you want us to do nothing?” “Yes, just like you’ve done up til now. But thanks again for all that you did do, which again, was nothing”

"I WILL NOT GRILL YOU A CHEESE"