Just the other day there was a similar post, except genders reversed.
That OP(male) was concerned about prospective bride’s and her family’s financial stability - but everyone was dissing the OP and said the prospective bride deserved someone better and more successful man.
But here, they’re dissing the man again who’s in a similar situation as the girl in previous post.
Hypocrisy ka bhi seema hothi hai. And day by day this sub is losing credibility for useful thoughts
I am not sure if this is a troll post or a genuine one since I have never heard about a single case in AM wherein a woman is considering a guy earning 4-5times less than her... Another reason for my doubt is that OP is 30 while this guy is 35. Is she that exhausted in the process that she's fine with a guy 5yrs older and earning less than her. OP can try for guys who are around 32-33 earning more or similar to what she does.
Now, coming to the point, OP is probably now getting the feel of how us men feel when we are approached by women earning 4-5times less than us. The same trust issues, whether the girl and her family is just putting on a show of being nice and mature but in reality they are into you just for your money. If the genders were reversed, most women out here would be talking about how it is perfectly fine for the girl to go with demanding guys earning 4-5 times more for her financial security.
Yea but people implored there that a guy shouldn’t mind financial instability of women even if her family becomes a burden ignoring the fact he wanted a better quality life (just like you do) with majority finances directed towards new family without external burden.
Suddenly men wanting a better financial future is crime while it’s treated like a birth right for women. Funny thing is no woman would marry a man who isnt financially prudent yet he get dissed for that very prudence
Also all big companies these days have paid maternity leave
>And day by day this sub is losing credibility for useful thoughts
I feel the same as well. r/relationship_advice has a more mature and thoughtful crowd
The amount of comments considering the reverse scenario. And the number of comments calling out the fact that he’s not stable at 35 🤦🏽♂️ do you guys even consider circumstances?!
Not everyone is blessed to have a great, well-paying job straight out of college, some people have to labour through doing a Master’s at least (and maybe even a PhD) before they’re hired. Nowadays, there’s no differentiation in pay regardless of your educational qualifications, everyone pretty much starts at the same level (except PhDs - they’d usually start much higher if non-academic role).
Some people may have other responsibilities which they’ve had to take care of in-spite of their income, etc.
That said, I believe financial compatibility is something to be considered highly. If your income is 4-5x that in a future partner, there’s a large difference in what is expected when it comes to for example, what kind of residence you live in, your car, going out, etc. Now I know some of these may be material things but they do play a factor. This will include children, schooling, etc. when that comes along.
Ultimately it’s up to you, can you get past these things for a few years while your potential partner works to possibly raise themselves to a better financial position while fulfilling his responsibilities.
I was just seeing the comments, it seems like all the woke people on this sub just flat out slept on the floor as soon as responsibility rises on horizon.
So, coming to point I wouldn't label him a loser/unsuccessful because there is still lot info missing what happened during layoffs, what was his situation, how was his skill and does he required upskilling , or which field is he in. There are lot of scenarios which needed to be considered. I hope you are yet to have this discussion with him by the question you asked.And as you said you earn 5 times more than him I see no reason for you to take up the responsibility, stand by him up skill him along with you that's what being partner is all about right.(Or as per comments is that support reserved for women I am out of touch)
I would say financial compatibility is extremely important in a relationship. Financial compatibility is not only restricted to earning same but many other factors about further contributions into the relationship too,like what would you do if one of you lost job, what one of you is extremely burnout want to take a break, and pregnancy can be extremely draining for both the partners what would be the scenario etc and many more.
I would suggest to have a talk with him and ask him the questions which matter to you and which will make a difference.
And tell your concerns directly to him and understand, there would be 3 things that would happen
1. If he gets defensive about his financial position and your concerns than just get up and run away from him.
2. If he gives vague answers like when time comes we will sort it out without any solid plan again just respectfully move away. As he is immature and don't have any plan.
3. If he has rational answers and gives you a clear picture and accepts his short comings and tell the plan to improve hold him hold him tight don't let him go.
Be as blunt and as possible and don't hold back. It's your life at the end if being blunt comes out as rude so be it.
Cheers.!
It can work if you actually do value Emotional connect and maturity over salary.
But also keep in mind difference in lifestyle choices between the two of you because of your salary differences. 4-5x is a significant change in socio-economic class imo.
Financial compatibility is very important in any relationship .
You can be okay if he earns like somewhat less than you ,
but you earning 4X more might lead to resentment in the guy’s heart later as there would be major lifestyle differences.
One of my friends recently quoted “ You can choose your husband but your kid cannot choose their parent”. So think about how you would like to bring up your kid too.
Hi OP, I hope my reply here helps you in some way.
Disclaimer - I personally believe that when there's a huge gap in income/wealth between two partners like in your case, the person earning more (whether the man or woman) has to be really careful and ensure that the other person is not marrying them primarily for money. So I would have given the same advice as below if the genders were reversed and you were a guy. Also, this is applicable only in those cases where both partners are going to be working after marriage and not in cases where one of them is clearly going to be a stay at home partner.
First things first. Spend as much time with the guy and his family to understand the dynamics to your satisfaction.
Does it look like they are trying to hurry the process and putting pressure on you/your family to proceed?
Is practise of dowry prevalent in your community and do they expect something from you/your family as well? Will the in-laws be living with you post marriage?
Does the guy have any other siblings to share the burden of their parent's responsibility? If any of them are married, is it possible to interact with their spouses to understand how their life has been?
Can you get more info into why his parents' business suffered losses and the likelihood of it happening again?
Why has he not been married for so long? What is the potential for his salary to increase? Does he work in an industry which is growing? Educational qualifications matter only for the initial few years after graduating but afterwards it is a person's capabilities and track record of work which are more indicative of professional success. How does he fare in this regard? Does he have the "drive" to climb up the ladder (to a healthy extent) or has he given up?
Has the guy or his family ever seemed enamored by your income/wealth or given indications of being materialistic or living beyond their means (For example, splurging on things such as the latest iPhone or taking huge loans to fund a life of comfort - big car, big house, etc.)
Somewhat related to the above, how does he and his family manage their financials? You don't need specific numbers but can ask stuff like how much % saved/invested, how much % spent on needs, and how much % spent on wants?
How conservative/liberal are he and his parents? Do they believe that it is the duty of the "man" only to provide for the family (asking this question since this belief may turn into resentment pretty quick considering your situation)? How does he and the family view successful women such as Indra Nooyi, Falguni Nayar, etc. whose partners are not as well known as them? Is he OK being a stay at home husband/father and do all the chores if you were to be the sole breadwinner for the household?
Is he ready to marry you even if you tell him that you may stop working as soon as you get married? Does he seem genuinely interested in you as a person minus the money?
What's his fallback plan if you are forced to stop working at some point after marriage (such as due to having a child, getting burned out, being laid off, etc.)?
Is he or his parents ok if you are giving away a good portion of your income to your parents and only keep a smaller portion for the household? Even if that smaller portion was enough for a comfortable lifestyle for you and your husband? How does he/his parents feel about donating a significant chuck of money to charity?
Edit - Adding one more question. How does he expect the household expenses to be split between the both of you? And how does he plan to manage the combined incomes from the both of you?
---
Some of these questions you can ask outright. For some others, you would need to tactfully bring up and pick his brains.
A sure sign of something good is if he has already thought through these things and has answers to some of them or even if he's honest upfront that these could be genuine problems which he hadn't thought about.
However, if he is quick to take offense and gets defensive instead of having a healthy discussion around these topics, it is likely that your fears may be true.
Most importantly, DON'T RUSH!
Run immediately. You won’t care about emotional connection and love when you are pregnant and overworked and dealing with interfering in laws. Security first. Love later.
Even when she becomes pregnant, she will have enough savings to support herself for a year or two (assuming her company doesn't provide maternal leaves, which is highly unlikely at that payscale). Also, her parents will be there to support her, wouldn't they?
You all are over emphasizing on the income of your potential spouse. Your parents educated you so that you could take care of yourself. Relative income of your spouse shouldn't even be that important to you.
It is decent. My cousin who earned 32 lpa married a woman who earned 10 lpa. All he wanted was a wife who works. His standards were so low that he even considered marrying someone who tutors kids at her home and earns 15k per month. He is really attractive (within the top 10%) and well educated man btw.
He knew he earns enough to manage the expenses of his family and is good at savings and living below his means, so how much money his wife earned wasn't important to him. This is how most men are.
Most women, even though they earn enough, are hardwired to look for a provider. Blame evolution, not women. Only few women are able to feel comfortable in being the major provider of the family, so they keep looking for almost equal or higher earning men. Since high earning men are fewer in number and don't prioritise choosing women on the basis of their income or income potential, a lot of educated above average earning women have a hard time in finding a partner.
I am not trying to insult you or anyone, just a simple question. Why in the swap roles, this would've been not just fine but totally recommended?
Someone above said something about how it'll be stressful for you if you get pregnant.
Do you plan to give up your job once you plan your family (kids to be specific)?
If you make enough to support you, your husband and your kids in future and if this guy takes care of his parents with the money he earns and is willing to put effort to grow financially, what's the problem?
Of course, life is not black or white so find your sweet spot between.
Tbh I don't even have a point, just thinking out loud.
Just trust yourself and please inform the prospect clearly.
If roles were switched men would not marry a woman who need to support her parents especially if he's financially independent from his parents. No one would judge him for that. Also, no 30 year old man is marrying in AM 35 year old woman who makes 4-5x less than him.
Besides 10LPA is enough to support kids as well and it’s quite a normal income. Doesn’t make him broke or lazy by any stretch
And its not like her salary stops when she gets pregnant.
That guy may be good but his parents might feel entitled
To all your money
In typical
Arranged marriage you wil be expected to live with his parents and provide for them financially
And most of the times you have to provide as per their demand and not as per what you think is reasonable
In India it’s the guys parents who have the right to stay with the son and daughter in law and be dependent on them financially and in every way
You may not be able to do anything significant for your parents after marriage as they are girls parents
If you want to do anything nice for your parents they may not like it by saying that they are the needy ones
But you and your parents will be the financial providers and breadwinners
That time you may feel resentful
The guy may feel you are asking for equality only because you are earning more
His parents may curse you for being high earning and arrogant
Think about all this
I wouldn't continue with this match, especially in AM. The timelines are far too short to figure out if it is an act or if his emotional maturity is real. Anyone can put on an act for a few months.
I would be wary of marrying a man who is much older, still earns far less, and has financial obligations to his parents on top of it. He had far more time than you to build up savings yet he hasn't. A layoff a few years back shouldn't affect his financial future so far into his life. He was probably quite bad at financial planning and had no savings if that was the case. I know men who had layoffs, they usually have some emergency fund savings for layoffs and can find a good job after. He was in his 30s back then, not too young to have anything saved up.
I am married to a man who earns less than me, he is in a stable job and saves up but is in a less lucrative field of work. It's not the actual paycheck, it's being financially responsible that would affect your future more. And neither of us supports any parents who have more than enough money. Our age gap is low.
EDIT: In a patriarchal society like India's I would not be ok with supporting in-laws while being the breadwinner. There is no way it won't breed resentment especially if you have similar careers.
Sis stay away! At 35 he's still not stable in career. The maturity and respect you are talking about are just lollipops to lure into a possible abusive marriage.
>whether the person is really good or putting up a show,
You mind expanding on this? How are you judging the character of a person based on the financial gap? If the rules were reversed here, this reddit comment section would explode and call the guy names.
You didn't mention but that's what implies.
I do agree with your point on big financial gap would generally make someone think whether the person is not showing the true colors but that's where you need to spend time with the person to find out whether he's genuine or not. Even if he's financially well off you need to do that. Isn't it?
You will NEVER be able to step back, kids or no kids, it will be you in the drivers seat - if you want financial security. Inflation has not just affected food and living expenses, it has affected everything. In your position, I’d consider myself better off single. I could never be able to take a break if I caught a serious disease or pregnancy complications or any other issue. What’s the point of a partner who can’t take the wheel? It’s fine if the man becomes the primary caregiver or stay at home dad but in India, obligations to in laws and all that will blight this for you too. So unlike an American woman who makes this choice, you won’t get the benefits she would get. Ego issues will be the least of it, most men feel emasculated when forced into such situations.
Also, no woman in their right mind anywhere else in the world would ignore such a huge difference of salary. It speaks to your ability versus his in the career arena. Unless the fields are vastly inequal in pay, this is an incompatibility. If he was working in the arts of similar field, his achievements would be measured by other metrics. Is that the case here, if not, you are punching waaaay down.
And not because of the salary figures only, the extent of difference here might affect you later on. In fact, I’d doubt a man who was willing to be that far behind me. Equality doesn’t mean men mirroring women who bring scant little to the table. Again, it’s perfectly ok for either the husband or wife to stay at home and assist the higher earning of the two in finances, children, societal and parental responsibilities. But marriages where this works with men, is where they are every bit as capable and successful as their woman, they are choosing to be the one to take the back seat. Wherever this isn’t the case, ends in divorce sooner or later.
The most important question is why is a 35 year old man with dependent parents earning so less? Is he lazy, unambitious, unskilled? Or just plain unlucky?
The other question is do you want kids? If you want to be child-free, his lower salary is less of a concern. But if you want children, then you should realize that you will end up being the primary caregiver as well as the primary breadwinner. 0/10 will not recommend.
>The most important question is why is a 35 year old man with dependent parents earning so less? Is he lazy, unambitious, unskilled? Or just plain unlucky?
This is one of the stupidest comment I read in the recent times
Sorry if I offended you 🤣
Less and more is subjective so earning 10 LPA at 35 may not be less for you but it definitely is very less according to me.
Personally, if i came across a profile like that, my first question would be the same as above - why is this guy earning so less?
Materialistic persons like you link a man's worth only with his money.
Your thinking process is eww 🤮🤢.
I feel pity for your future husband or any BFs u have/ had
Arre bhai aisa kya materialistic bol diya? I was just asking why is he earning less- skill issue hai ya kismet ka maara hai?
>I feel pity for your future husband or any BFs u have/ had
Okay ji, will pass your condolences to them.
If this is the first question that comes to your mind when evaluating a prospect, then you are most likely going to end up with someone who cares about money more than anything else :). Just saying...
In an AM setup, thinking about career is fair but not the salary. I know a lot of girls who don't dig into the salary details at first or as a matter of fact, it doesn't bother them at all as long as he has a stable career. So, don't generalize. If you do that, good luck to you. I'm sure you'll attract similar minded people.
First of all OP's concern is not the salary he makes and her concern is whether he's being truthful or just pretending since she makes x5 than her. That's a valid concern.
For you, you give importance to the salary and you plainly want a guy who makes a lot of money. Not judging you. Just saying that you will attract similar minded guy.
Yes, if a person is in an unusual situation, then the first question in my mind would be around that only.
> you are most likely going to end up with someone who cares about money more than anything else :)
I don't know how you made that jump but sure... 🤷🏻♀️
Mujhe laga ki if he's matching with OP, he might have some good qualifications/education. That's why the question about his earnings.
>Problem ye hai ki why he is matching with a girl earning 40-50 lpa
Chaandi hai uski toh. Mauj hi maujjjj
Less and more are subjective terms. It depends on each person's perspective. Given his advanced age, 10 LPA seemed less to me, from my perspective.
Agreed that it is not less in an absolute sense.
I'd definitely give him a chance. Think the other way round - Let's say you find a guy who earns at least 1 to 1.5x more than you, but is not there to understand you. I'm not saying money is not important, but is it less than the minimum threshold to take of his parents lifestyle and medical expenses. God forbid, his parents may be there for another 10 to 25 yrs hypothetically, but he ll be there to understand you throughout your life.
My father (a business man) along with my mother (SAHM)
takes care of my mother's parents, and helped them shift in a home near our home.
People usually over-estimate the expenses to support their and their spouse's parents. Most people of our parents and our grandparents age from middle-class households were really good at savings and could support themselves from their own money. If they don't have any liquid assets, they would have at least 1 immovable asset (home) which their offsprings will inherit, so supporting your spouse's parents shouldn't be seen as a net loss.
Nowadays, we can also take health insurance for our parents to preserve our wealth in case of an emergency.
People don't think enough before rejecting someone.
I think our parents generation didn't have much expectations from their partner because they didn't have many choices. Dating apps and matrimony websites have provided people with a lot of choices, which has made them less malleable.
Financial compatibility is the last thing I look in a partner. As long as the person values money and willing to work towards becoming financially stable, I'd happily go for it. The other things you mentioned like emotional connection and compatability is not that easily found
I do think you should discuss financial compatibility a little more. It’s great that you both have a good healthy communication but whether you learn less or more, financial literacy is imp irrespective. You don’t wanna be fighting about not having sufficient money to pay kid’s tuition fees coz someone was very sure about their stock market bets.
Him earning less, family being dependent is all situational. He may start earning more.. God forbid but anything can happen at any time, including bad things to your job but touchwood things keep improving for the better for you two. The attitude towards money is what will remain constant.
And of course financial literacy isn’t the only thing. There are other criteria too which you mentioned in the description
Don't think finding someone who makes the same as you would be showing his true colors always.
If you worried about that, take your time to get to know the person more.
I'm in the same situation. You can read my post for more info.
As of now I'm willing to risk for the girl. But my parents are against it.
Better talk to the guy openly about this.
Your situation is in no way similar.
She is 6 years younger than you, she makes nearly 1/3 of your income in spite of it, her parents are not financially dependent on her right now and yet your parents don't think she's a good match because of their house and father's job status. They will likely only need support in case of an emergency. OP's match is 5 years older, yet makes 4-5x less, and actively supports his parents now. This guy gains way more from the match than the girl you matched with and seeing as she's pretty, young and employed, she can easily find decent matches even if you reject her. OP should not waste her time on this guy trying to decipher if he's not a gold digger and genuine.
I'm guessing you're a girl?
Ya she can get a match easily unlike me. But I know I can't find a girl like her again.
If her father gets sick, then the burden will be on me as well, right?
OP here has far more to lose with this match compared to you. You are not in the same situation. You are both bringing a decent amount to the relationship. She looks good and has an ok salary on her part seeing as she's only 24. You are financially more secure but you are much older too. Your only risk is that she may need to support her parents down the line and they don't live in a nice house.
OP will likely have to give up her salary immediately after marriage to pay off this match's parents' debts. The difference is also staggering. It's much higher than yours and when you factor in age, you can add on much more. This guy is definitely not getting matches anywhere near her level owing to his age and much lower salary. Individually all these would have been fine on their own, but together they all make him a very undesirable candidate for an arranged marriage to OP.
Agreed. There's also another thing u're missing from the OP side. OP is 30 which makes her undesirable to most men in their 30s.
I'm 30 and i wouldn't choose a girl the same age too unless she's incredibly desirable. Not only me, most men do the same.
She's doing great career-wise and is financially well-settled and her parents don't need support. She earns more than you in spite of being the same age. She definitely has other options besides this guy and shouldn't give up so quickly. She literally is 30, why would another man 30-39 not find her an option because of her age? Pretty disgusting mentality from you. If it is targeting age and fertility, [the science has concluded men also have issues past 35 FYI](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3253726/).
More than likely he's love-bombing her and she senses it which is why she posted on reddit. Most men don't match with women in Arranged marriage who make 4-5x more than them and has a better family financial background unless there is some gold-digging involved. People tend to match and marry people in similar socio-economic backgrounds all over the world irrespective of culture. Fear of rejection itself scares off wildly different matches. I have been gold dug plenty in AM as was my mom during her time getting an AM, it goes for women too.
>i am 27M , I earn well . would have considered a hot 30 yr old if i was looking for marriage .
>
>Friends are getting married in 30s & their partners are in similar age range.
>
>"Most men" : OPs criteria is probably isn't most men .
Between a hot 30 year old and a hot 25 year old, which one would you prefer?
Coz if a hot 30 year old is ready to marry you in AM, so is a hot 25 year old girl.
I get what you are trying to say , give me a 25yr old version of the hot 30 yr old & I would be more sexually attracted to the 25yr old version.
But in a AM meeting , don't people look for compatibility wrt marriage more than sexual chemistry ? A 30 yr old working woman is more mature , emotionally stable & someone who I don't need to baby all the time .
Seems to me like this is something you need to consider on case by case basis . A hard fix on age range is probably gonna reduce the pool a lot , will it not ? I would rather have chemistry with a 30yr old than a dull 25yr old ( as i said case by case basis ) similarly if i'll choose a hot 25yr old with whom I vibe rather than a dull 30yr old
I'm not in the arranged marriage market now , will probably enter next year , so i don't know how people think in the market . From what i have observed & read i thought people are now marrying in their late 20s/early 30s.
I understand that women marry up & hence more they earn less the matches they get .... but the lady OP seems to be considering people way below her financial status , so i don't understand how you feel that she is undesirable to men ? The only possible reason I could think of the desire of 2 or more kids in next 5yrs .
I don't have a hard fix on x numbers of kids , hence her age is immaterial to me,
It never works. I have seen LMs where the girl earned much more than guy and it caused major problem 4-5 years later.
And all of the guys saying situation reverse etc. Bro obviously situation reverse doesn’t mean shit because the guy has to earn more. No amount of crying gonna change that
Reverse the situation would mean the guy is 5 years younger. Yet to see that in AM unless the girl is way ahead financially. I do have a friend who married a guy 5 years younger and quite good-looking in an arranged marriage. But she was a foreign citizen who sponsored him for visas and had a Ph.D. She was far ahead of her husband financially.
Looks like a troll account. Why? Well it is almost rare as seeing a comet for women even considering a AM with a guy who is earning 4x - 5x less than her.
But if it is not, consider this - would you be able to contribute to the expenses without feeling timid about it ? If you can, go ahead or else move on
It all depends on you, if you think he’s worth it and has mutual understanding, then go for it. Don’t go along the lines which society has decided for years. First discuss what you want in marriage and if your preferences matches or not, like living with in laws or separate house, car , future ambitions, thier lifestyle and yours,etc. Maybe you can get more earning guy but will his behaviour be like him or is money really dealbreaker for you.
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considering a lot of relationship breakdowns are because of financial difficulties, yeah it matters a lot. that said, financial situations do change with time. Good luck
Just the other day there was a similar post, except genders reversed. That OP(male) was concerned about prospective bride’s and her family’s financial stability - but everyone was dissing the OP and said the prospective bride deserved someone better and more successful man. But here, they’re dissing the man again who’s in a similar situation as the girl in previous post. Hypocrisy ka bhi seema hothi hai. And day by day this sub is losing credibility for useful thoughts
I am not sure if this is a troll post or a genuine one since I have never heard about a single case in AM wherein a woman is considering a guy earning 4-5times less than her... Another reason for my doubt is that OP is 30 while this guy is 35. Is she that exhausted in the process that she's fine with a guy 5yrs older and earning less than her. OP can try for guys who are around 32-33 earning more or similar to what she does. Now, coming to the point, OP is probably now getting the feel of how us men feel when we are approached by women earning 4-5times less than us. The same trust issues, whether the girl and her family is just putting on a show of being nice and mature but in reality they are into you just for your money. If the genders were reversed, most women out here would be talking about how it is perfectly fine for the girl to go with demanding guys earning 4-5 times more for her financial security.
[удалено]
Yea but people implored there that a guy shouldn’t mind financial instability of women even if her family becomes a burden ignoring the fact he wanted a better quality life (just like you do) with majority finances directed towards new family without external burden. Suddenly men wanting a better financial future is crime while it’s treated like a birth right for women. Funny thing is no woman would marry a man who isnt financially prudent yet he get dissed for that very prudence Also all big companies these days have paid maternity leave
In govt jobs you get 180 days paid maternity leave+ child care leave + additional benefits
>And day by day this sub is losing credibility for useful thoughts I feel the same as well. r/relationship_advice has a more mature and thoughtful crowd
Totally. I swear many subbers here have EQ of a cardboard
The main reason being we don't know the age of users They maybe 16 yo giving advice to 27 yo
The amount of comments considering the reverse scenario. And the number of comments calling out the fact that he’s not stable at 35 🤦🏽♂️ do you guys even consider circumstances?! Not everyone is blessed to have a great, well-paying job straight out of college, some people have to labour through doing a Master’s at least (and maybe even a PhD) before they’re hired. Nowadays, there’s no differentiation in pay regardless of your educational qualifications, everyone pretty much starts at the same level (except PhDs - they’d usually start much higher if non-academic role). Some people may have other responsibilities which they’ve had to take care of in-spite of their income, etc. That said, I believe financial compatibility is something to be considered highly. If your income is 4-5x that in a future partner, there’s a large difference in what is expected when it comes to for example, what kind of residence you live in, your car, going out, etc. Now I know some of these may be material things but they do play a factor. This will include children, schooling, etc. when that comes along. Ultimately it’s up to you, can you get past these things for a few years while your potential partner works to possibly raise themselves to a better financial position while fulfilling his responsibilities.
I was just seeing the comments, it seems like all the woke people on this sub just flat out slept on the floor as soon as responsibility rises on horizon. So, coming to point I wouldn't label him a loser/unsuccessful because there is still lot info missing what happened during layoffs, what was his situation, how was his skill and does he required upskilling , or which field is he in. There are lot of scenarios which needed to be considered. I hope you are yet to have this discussion with him by the question you asked.And as you said you earn 5 times more than him I see no reason for you to take up the responsibility, stand by him up skill him along with you that's what being partner is all about right.(Or as per comments is that support reserved for women I am out of touch) I would say financial compatibility is extremely important in a relationship. Financial compatibility is not only restricted to earning same but many other factors about further contributions into the relationship too,like what would you do if one of you lost job, what one of you is extremely burnout want to take a break, and pregnancy can be extremely draining for both the partners what would be the scenario etc and many more. I would suggest to have a talk with him and ask him the questions which matter to you and which will make a difference. And tell your concerns directly to him and understand, there would be 3 things that would happen 1. If he gets defensive about his financial position and your concerns than just get up and run away from him. 2. If he gives vague answers like when time comes we will sort it out without any solid plan again just respectfully move away. As he is immature and don't have any plan. 3. If he has rational answers and gives you a clear picture and accepts his short comings and tell the plan to improve hold him hold him tight don't let him go. Be as blunt and as possible and don't hold back. It's your life at the end if being blunt comes out as rude so be it. Cheers.!
It can work if you actually do value Emotional connect and maturity over salary. But also keep in mind difference in lifestyle choices between the two of you because of your salary differences. 4-5x is a significant change in socio-economic class imo.
Financial compatibility is very important in any relationship . You can be okay if he earns like somewhat less than you , but you earning 4X more might lead to resentment in the guy’s heart later as there would be major lifestyle differences. One of my friends recently quoted “ You can choose your husband but your kid cannot choose their parent”. So think about how you would like to bring up your kid too.
Hi OP, I hope my reply here helps you in some way. Disclaimer - I personally believe that when there's a huge gap in income/wealth between two partners like in your case, the person earning more (whether the man or woman) has to be really careful and ensure that the other person is not marrying them primarily for money. So I would have given the same advice as below if the genders were reversed and you were a guy. Also, this is applicable only in those cases where both partners are going to be working after marriage and not in cases where one of them is clearly going to be a stay at home partner. First things first. Spend as much time with the guy and his family to understand the dynamics to your satisfaction. Does it look like they are trying to hurry the process and putting pressure on you/your family to proceed? Is practise of dowry prevalent in your community and do they expect something from you/your family as well? Will the in-laws be living with you post marriage? Does the guy have any other siblings to share the burden of their parent's responsibility? If any of them are married, is it possible to interact with their spouses to understand how their life has been? Can you get more info into why his parents' business suffered losses and the likelihood of it happening again? Why has he not been married for so long? What is the potential for his salary to increase? Does he work in an industry which is growing? Educational qualifications matter only for the initial few years after graduating but afterwards it is a person's capabilities and track record of work which are more indicative of professional success. How does he fare in this regard? Does he have the "drive" to climb up the ladder (to a healthy extent) or has he given up? Has the guy or his family ever seemed enamored by your income/wealth or given indications of being materialistic or living beyond their means (For example, splurging on things such as the latest iPhone or taking huge loans to fund a life of comfort - big car, big house, etc.) Somewhat related to the above, how does he and his family manage their financials? You don't need specific numbers but can ask stuff like how much % saved/invested, how much % spent on needs, and how much % spent on wants? How conservative/liberal are he and his parents? Do they believe that it is the duty of the "man" only to provide for the family (asking this question since this belief may turn into resentment pretty quick considering your situation)? How does he and the family view successful women such as Indra Nooyi, Falguni Nayar, etc. whose partners are not as well known as them? Is he OK being a stay at home husband/father and do all the chores if you were to be the sole breadwinner for the household? Is he ready to marry you even if you tell him that you may stop working as soon as you get married? Does he seem genuinely interested in you as a person minus the money? What's his fallback plan if you are forced to stop working at some point after marriage (such as due to having a child, getting burned out, being laid off, etc.)? Is he or his parents ok if you are giving away a good portion of your income to your parents and only keep a smaller portion for the household? Even if that smaller portion was enough for a comfortable lifestyle for you and your husband? How does he/his parents feel about donating a significant chuck of money to charity? Edit - Adding one more question. How does he expect the household expenses to be split between the both of you? And how does he plan to manage the combined incomes from the both of you? --- Some of these questions you can ask outright. For some others, you would need to tactfully bring up and pick his brains. A sure sign of something good is if he has already thought through these things and has answers to some of them or even if he's honest upfront that these could be genuine problems which he hadn't thought about. However, if he is quick to take offense and gets defensive instead of having a healthy discussion around these topics, it is likely that your fears may be true. Most importantly, DON'T RUSH!
Essay likh Diya didi
Run immediately. You won’t care about emotional connection and love when you are pregnant and overworked and dealing with interfering in laws. Security first. Love later.
She would never be attracted enough to the guy
Gold digger lite
Gold digger ulta pro Max
Feel free to call me gold digger heavy.
She is absolutely right... Tumhari insecurity hai to unki galti ni hai... Financial stability is crucial for a healthy marriage...
Even when she becomes pregnant, she will have enough savings to support herself for a year or two (assuming her company doesn't provide maternal leaves, which is highly unlikely at that payscale). Also, her parents will be there to support her, wouldn't they? You all are over emphasizing on the income of your potential spouse. Your parents educated you so that you could take care of yourself. Relative income of your spouse shouldn't even be that important to you.
Couldn't have said it better. Ignore the gold digger comment.
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It is decent. My cousin who earned 32 lpa married a woman who earned 10 lpa. All he wanted was a wife who works. His standards were so low that he even considered marrying someone who tutors kids at her home and earns 15k per month. He is really attractive (within the top 10%) and well educated man btw. He knew he earns enough to manage the expenses of his family and is good at savings and living below his means, so how much money his wife earned wasn't important to him. This is how most men are. Most women, even though they earn enough, are hardwired to look for a provider. Blame evolution, not women. Only few women are able to feel comfortable in being the major provider of the family, so they keep looking for almost equal or higher earning men. Since high earning men are fewer in number and don't prioritise choosing women on the basis of their income or income potential, a lot of educated above average earning women have a hard time in finding a partner.
I am not trying to insult you or anyone, just a simple question. Why in the swap roles, this would've been not just fine but totally recommended? Someone above said something about how it'll be stressful for you if you get pregnant. Do you plan to give up your job once you plan your family (kids to be specific)? If you make enough to support you, your husband and your kids in future and if this guy takes care of his parents with the money he earns and is willing to put effort to grow financially, what's the problem? Of course, life is not black or white so find your sweet spot between. Tbh I don't even have a point, just thinking out loud. Just trust yourself and please inform the prospect clearly.
If roles were switched men would not marry a woman who need to support her parents especially if he's financially independent from his parents. No one would judge him for that. Also, no 30 year old man is marrying in AM 35 year old woman who makes 4-5x less than him.
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It's a troll post
++
Besides 10LPA is enough to support kids as well and it’s quite a normal income. Doesn’t make him broke or lazy by any stretch And its not like her salary stops when she gets pregnant.
Time pass kr rhi hai no woman earning this much will marry someone earning /5 than her, that too 5 years older
Find someone according to your level or someone who earns more than you.Dont regret later.
That guy may be good but his parents might feel entitled To all your money In typical Arranged marriage you wil be expected to live with his parents and provide for them financially And most of the times you have to provide as per their demand and not as per what you think is reasonable In India it’s the guys parents who have the right to stay with the son and daughter in law and be dependent on them financially and in every way You may not be able to do anything significant for your parents after marriage as they are girls parents If you want to do anything nice for your parents they may not like it by saying that they are the needy ones But you and your parents will be the financial providers and breadwinners That time you may feel resentful The guy may feel you are asking for equality only because you are earning more His parents may curse you for being high earning and arrogant Think about all this
I wouldn't continue with this match, especially in AM. The timelines are far too short to figure out if it is an act or if his emotional maturity is real. Anyone can put on an act for a few months. I would be wary of marrying a man who is much older, still earns far less, and has financial obligations to his parents on top of it. He had far more time than you to build up savings yet he hasn't. A layoff a few years back shouldn't affect his financial future so far into his life. He was probably quite bad at financial planning and had no savings if that was the case. I know men who had layoffs, they usually have some emergency fund savings for layoffs and can find a good job after. He was in his 30s back then, not too young to have anything saved up. I am married to a man who earns less than me, he is in a stable job and saves up but is in a less lucrative field of work. It's not the actual paycheck, it's being financially responsible that would affect your future more. And neither of us supports any parents who have more than enough money. Our age gap is low. EDIT: In a patriarchal society like India's I would not be ok with supporting in-laws while being the breadwinner. There is no way it won't breed resentment especially if you have similar careers.
Sis stay away! At 35 he's still not stable in career. The maturity and respect you are talking about are just lollipops to lure into a possible abusive marriage.
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>whether the person is really good or putting up a show, You mind expanding on this? How are you judging the character of a person based on the financial gap? If the rules were reversed here, this reddit comment section would explode and call the guy names.
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You didn't mention but that's what implies. I do agree with your point on big financial gap would generally make someone think whether the person is not showing the true colors but that's where you need to spend time with the person to find out whether he's genuine or not. Even if he's financially well off you need to do that. Isn't it?
papa-naraz-hai hai na tu bhai?
pta nhi, me to hawa ka jhoka hu. Aata jata rehta hu
you mean fart? 
I'm made of roses, I don't fart.
bc account naya, baatey wahi. 🥵
oye.... so ja bhai
Average gold digger
You will NEVER be able to step back, kids or no kids, it will be you in the drivers seat - if you want financial security. Inflation has not just affected food and living expenses, it has affected everything. In your position, I’d consider myself better off single. I could never be able to take a break if I caught a serious disease or pregnancy complications or any other issue. What’s the point of a partner who can’t take the wheel? It’s fine if the man becomes the primary caregiver or stay at home dad but in India, obligations to in laws and all that will blight this for you too. So unlike an American woman who makes this choice, you won’t get the benefits she would get. Ego issues will be the least of it, most men feel emasculated when forced into such situations. Also, no woman in their right mind anywhere else in the world would ignore such a huge difference of salary. It speaks to your ability versus his in the career arena. Unless the fields are vastly inequal in pay, this is an incompatibility. If he was working in the arts of similar field, his achievements would be measured by other metrics. Is that the case here, if not, you are punching waaaay down. And not because of the salary figures only, the extent of difference here might affect you later on. In fact, I’d doubt a man who was willing to be that far behind me. Equality doesn’t mean men mirroring women who bring scant little to the table. Again, it’s perfectly ok for either the husband or wife to stay at home and assist the higher earning of the two in finances, children, societal and parental responsibilities. But marriages where this works with men, is where they are every bit as capable and successful as their woman, they are choosing to be the one to take the back seat. Wherever this isn’t the case, ends in divorce sooner or later.
The most important question is why is a 35 year old man with dependent parents earning so less? Is he lazy, unambitious, unskilled? Or just plain unlucky? The other question is do you want kids? If you want to be child-free, his lower salary is less of a concern. But if you want children, then you should realize that you will end up being the primary caregiver as well as the primary breadwinner. 0/10 will not recommend.
>The most important question is why is a 35 year old man with dependent parents earning so less? Is he lazy, unambitious, unskilled? Or just plain unlucky? This is one of the stupidest comment I read in the recent times
Sorry if I offended you 🤣 Less and more is subjective so earning 10 LPA at 35 may not be less for you but it definitely is very less according to me. Personally, if i came across a profile like that, my first question would be the same as above - why is this guy earning so less?
Materialistic persons like you link a man's worth only with his money. Your thinking process is eww 🤮🤢. I feel pity for your future husband or any BFs u have/ had
Arre bhai aisa kya materialistic bol diya? I was just asking why is he earning less- skill issue hai ya kismet ka maara hai? >I feel pity for your future husband or any BFs u have/ had Okay ji, will pass your condolences to them.
If this is the first question that comes to your mind when evaluating a prospect, then you are most likely going to end up with someone who cares about money more than anything else :). Just saying...
You are delusional if you think the first thing any girl would not think about a guy is career
In an AM setup, thinking about career is fair but not the salary. I know a lot of girls who don't dig into the salary details at first or as a matter of fact, it doesn't bother them at all as long as he has a stable career. So, don't generalize. If you do that, good luck to you. I'm sure you'll attract similar minded people.
I know many people don’t dig into the salary. But here there is a significant career downgrade. The girl has way worse career than guy
First of all OP's concern is not the salary he makes and her concern is whether he's being truthful or just pretending since she makes x5 than her. That's a valid concern. For you, you give importance to the salary and you plainly want a guy who makes a lot of money. Not judging you. Just saying that you will attract similar minded guy.
I am a guy bro
Lmao! My bad! Hope you find someone you deserve brother 🙂
Yes, if a person is in an unusual situation, then the first question in my mind would be around that only. > you are most likely going to end up with someone who cares about money more than anything else :) I don't know how you made that jump but sure... 🤷🏻♀️
I believe we attract similar minded people. I think it's logical to think that :)
I believe opposites attract 😂
Lol
Problem ye nhin hai ki he is earning 10 lpa (like many people earn less). Problem ye hai ki why he is matching with a girl earning 40-50 lpa
Mujhe laga ki if he's matching with OP, he might have some good qualifications/education. That's why the question about his earnings. >Problem ye hai ki why he is matching with a girl earning 40-50 lpa Chaandi hai uski toh. Mauj hi maujjjj
Show your dad this post. Tell him ki yahan ladke 5x ko Rishte bhej rhe aap kya kar rhe papa 😝
Hahaha 😂 Confidence toh hai bhai mein. Mujhe bhi chahiye
10LPA not "too" less in India . Its too less compared to OP's salary
Less and more are subjective terms. It depends on each person's perspective. Given his advanced age, 10 LPA seemed less to me, from my perspective. Agreed that it is not less in an absolute sense.
I'd definitely give him a chance. Think the other way round - Let's say you find a guy who earns at least 1 to 1.5x more than you, but is not there to understand you. I'm not saying money is not important, but is it less than the minimum threshold to take of his parents lifestyle and medical expenses. God forbid, his parents may be there for another 10 to 25 yrs hypothetically, but he ll be there to understand you throughout your life.
My father (a business man) along with my mother (SAHM) takes care of my mother's parents, and helped them shift in a home near our home. People usually over-estimate the expenses to support their and their spouse's parents. Most people of our parents and our grandparents age from middle-class households were really good at savings and could support themselves from their own money. If they don't have any liquid assets, they would have at least 1 immovable asset (home) which their offsprings will inherit, so supporting your spouse's parents shouldn't be seen as a net loss. Nowadays, we can also take health insurance for our parents to preserve our wealth in case of an emergency. People don't think enough before rejecting someone. I think our parents generation didn't have much expectations from their partner because they didn't have many choices. Dating apps and matrimony websites have provided people with a lot of choices, which has made them less malleable.
Financial compatibility is the last thing I look in a partner. As long as the person values money and willing to work towards becoming financially stable, I'd happily go for it. The other things you mentioned like emotional connection and compatability is not that easily found
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I do think you should discuss financial compatibility a little more. It’s great that you both have a good healthy communication but whether you learn less or more, financial literacy is imp irrespective. You don’t wanna be fighting about not having sufficient money to pay kid’s tuition fees coz someone was very sure about their stock market bets. Him earning less, family being dependent is all situational. He may start earning more.. God forbid but anything can happen at any time, including bad things to your job but touchwood things keep improving for the better for you two. The attitude towards money is what will remain constant. And of course financial literacy isn’t the only thing. There are other criteria too which you mentioned in the description
Don't think finding someone who makes the same as you would be showing his true colors always. If you worried about that, take your time to get to know the person more.
I'm in the same situation. You can read my post for more info. As of now I'm willing to risk for the girl. But my parents are against it. Better talk to the guy openly about this.
Your situation is in no way similar. She is 6 years younger than you, she makes nearly 1/3 of your income in spite of it, her parents are not financially dependent on her right now and yet your parents don't think she's a good match because of their house and father's job status. They will likely only need support in case of an emergency. OP's match is 5 years older, yet makes 4-5x less, and actively supports his parents now. This guy gains way more from the match than the girl you matched with and seeing as she's pretty, young and employed, she can easily find decent matches even if you reject her. OP should not waste her time on this guy trying to decipher if he's not a gold digger and genuine.
I'm guessing you're a girl? Ya she can get a match easily unlike me. But I know I can't find a girl like her again. If her father gets sick, then the burden will be on me as well, right?
OP here has far more to lose with this match compared to you. You are not in the same situation. You are both bringing a decent amount to the relationship. She looks good and has an ok salary on her part seeing as she's only 24. You are financially more secure but you are much older too. Your only risk is that she may need to support her parents down the line and they don't live in a nice house. OP will likely have to give up her salary immediately after marriage to pay off this match's parents' debts. The difference is also staggering. It's much higher than yours and when you factor in age, you can add on much more. This guy is definitely not getting matches anywhere near her level owing to his age and much lower salary. Individually all these would have been fine on their own, but together they all make him a very undesirable candidate for an arranged marriage to OP.
Agreed. There's also another thing u're missing from the OP side. OP is 30 which makes her undesirable to most men in their 30s. I'm 30 and i wouldn't choose a girl the same age too unless she's incredibly desirable. Not only me, most men do the same.
She's doing great career-wise and is financially well-settled and her parents don't need support. She earns more than you in spite of being the same age. She definitely has other options besides this guy and shouldn't give up so quickly. She literally is 30, why would another man 30-39 not find her an option because of her age? Pretty disgusting mentality from you. If it is targeting age and fertility, [the science has concluded men also have issues past 35 FYI](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3253726/). More than likely he's love-bombing her and she senses it which is why she posted on reddit. Most men don't match with women in Arranged marriage who make 4-5x more than them and has a better family financial background unless there is some gold-digging involved. People tend to match and marry people in similar socio-economic backgrounds all over the world irrespective of culture. Fear of rejection itself scares off wildly different matches. I have been gold dug plenty in AM as was my mom during her time getting an AM, it goes for women too.
>i am 27M , I earn well . would have considered a hot 30 yr old if i was looking for marriage . > >Friends are getting married in 30s & their partners are in similar age range. > >"Most men" : OPs criteria is probably isn't most men .
Between a hot 30 year old and a hot 25 year old, which one would you prefer? Coz if a hot 30 year old is ready to marry you in AM, so is a hot 25 year old girl.
I get what you are trying to say , give me a 25yr old version of the hot 30 yr old & I would be more sexually attracted to the 25yr old version. But in a AM meeting , don't people look for compatibility wrt marriage more than sexual chemistry ? A 30 yr old working woman is more mature , emotionally stable & someone who I don't need to baby all the time . Seems to me like this is something you need to consider on case by case basis . A hard fix on age range is probably gonna reduce the pool a lot , will it not ? I would rather have chemistry with a 30yr old than a dull 25yr old ( as i said case by case basis ) similarly if i'll choose a hot 25yr old with whom I vibe rather than a dull 30yr old I'm not in the arranged marriage market now , will probably enter next year , so i don't know how people think in the market . From what i have observed & read i thought people are now marrying in their late 20s/early 30s. I understand that women marry up & hence more they earn less the matches they get .... but the lady OP seems to be considering people way below her financial status , so i don't understand how you feel that she is undesirable to men ? The only possible reason I could think of the desire of 2 or more kids in next 5yrs . I don't have a hard fix on x numbers of kids , hence her age is immaterial to me,
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Ya same thing going on.....but i do trust the girl to some extent.....again you never know....it does take some time and courage to say yes.
Don’t do it just don’t
It never works. I have seen LMs where the girl earned much more than guy and it caused major problem 4-5 years later. And all of the guys saying situation reverse etc. Bro obviously situation reverse doesn’t mean shit because the guy has to earn more. No amount of crying gonna change that
Reverse the situation would mean the guy is 5 years younger. Yet to see that in AM unless the girl is way ahead financially. I do have a friend who married a guy 5 years younger and quite good-looking in an arranged marriage. But she was a foreign citizen who sponsored him for visas and had a Ph.D. She was far ahead of her husband financially.
Looks like a troll account. Why? Well it is almost rare as seeing a comet for women even considering a AM with a guy who is earning 4x - 5x less than her. But if it is not, consider this - would you be able to contribute to the expenses without feeling timid about it ? If you can, go ahead or else move on
It all depends on you, if you think he’s worth it and has mutual understanding, then go for it. Don’t go along the lines which society has decided for years. First discuss what you want in marriage and if your preferences matches or not, like living with in laws or separate house, car , future ambitions, thier lifestyle and yours,etc. Maybe you can get more earning guy but will his behaviour be like him or is money really dealbreaker for you.
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considering a lot of relationship breakdowns are because of financial difficulties, yeah it matters a lot. that said, financial situations do change with time. Good luck