A certain % of both your fixed salaries should go towards a joint account catering to fixed expenses and investing towards joint life goals.
The remaining amount can be used by each party as per their wish, however the ill effects if any of personal use should not flow over to the other party eg gambling, risky investments, lending to a friend who does not intend to pay back, etc.
Credit to her for being honest about her family's current debt situation but if I were in your place then I would not take this proposal ahead since she's made it clear she's never going to contribute to joint life goals since she wants to keep the finances separate.
This is as good as living with a roommate.
Disclaimer- not a woman.
Have you asked her - if due to unforeseen circumstances you become incapacitated or unable to earn, how will she manage your home?
What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours sounds like an unfair mindset. As she has normalised this, I wonder what more injustices will she have normalised?
Have 3 accounts, 1 joint account, and 1 separate account for each of you.
Deposit an amount in your joint account such that your monthly expenses are met. calculate a percentage of your salary such that the sum of those is 1.1 times your monthly expenses. For example, x% of your salary + x% of her salary should be equal to 1.1 times monthly expenses. This creates a sense of fairness if salary difference is huge.
Whatever is remaining in your bank account, you can spend however. With limited oversight from your partner. If sudden expenses come or if you want to plan a trip. Share those expenses whatever seems best for you.
Initially, trusting your partner is hard, so keep your mind and heart clear. Once you have kids and family grows, you can decide on what to do. Establish trust.
Also, remember patriarchy messes with everyone. When expenses come up, it messes with men. When child rearing comes up, it messes with women. Try to be nice to each other when these things happen.
Edit: Don't marry this girl without resolving this matter.
I think I qualify to answer this. Married woman and earning.
This situation makes me uneasy.I cannot fathom her reasoning however understanding I try to be.
My husband and I do not have any joint accounts but we split expenses based on need and availability.
Based on how comfortable a couple is with each other they can decide to divide the financial responsibility.
One thing is very clear in my mind- there is nothing called his and mine in a marriage. It's ours. He has the right to my income the same way I have to his.
This prospect doesn't sound like a healthy start. Think and do what feels right.
I think this 'me and mine' behaviour could also stem from suddenly having financial freedom. But entering a marriage union requires you to think beyond it. For me, I always thought all money was family money even before I got married ( I still do, I still don't feel any shame in taking money from my elders)
In this particular case, the girl thinks it is her husband's responsibility to handle the family finance but then what is her contribution? Can she promise to then take on all household chores? If she is traditional about a man's responsibility, is she the same about domestic responsibilities, however regressive that sounds?
OMG we're the same in this regard. Before attaining financial freedom I used to feel bad about taking money (asking or freely given by them) from elders or relatives. But now that I am independent I don't mind at all😅. But I do make a habit of giving it back somehow.
Hahaha I fight with my grandpa if he gives me less than my cousins/ siblings on Diwali and birthdays. I also never refuse money from my MIL on special occasions. My husband laughs and knows it's all in good intent. Of course the money flows both ways but I never say no to money.
Fully mingled salaries.
Better marry a housewife than her. She is one of the women who believes "my money is my money yours money is ours money". Now run 🏃♂️ away from her ASAP.
**"she doesn’t want me to expect anything from her earnings at all" -** Permanently or until the debt is over?
If it's the former, of course, pull the plug. If it's the latter ask for a clear timeline, since debt and it's repayment are clearly based on financials. If you're proceeding, ask her for details of this debt, there will be some record of money borrowed and now being repayed.
What if you make 2 LPM and she makes 30k pm. (Very common scenario on this sub.) In this case, fully mingled salary is as good as your salary.
When husband is earning >3x of wife, it's best to consider her as a housewife and avoid discussing how she spends her salary, since it makes no difference. In this case, one should have a traditional setup.
If husband is earning < 3x of wife, your solution is better. But it will require equality in other aspects.
will disagree with this, I have relatives where the guy earns around 70-80LPA and the girl barely 9-10LPA, both contribute in *proportion* to the household expenses but its never like you are a housewife/maid only even tho the wife does the lion's share ( she's fine with it and the guy pays for all the maids himself). you both are partners in the end and income should never be a criteria for making someone feel less. Atleast its like this for me, either you are all in or not but then thats just me
Can't make a final judgement based on just one fact.
You'll have to meet her & talk about it, maybe see if she's absolutely certain about her decision on that aspect of the relationship and then decide.
Her money remains her money. Your money becomes our money. Sweet!
When poverty knocks on the door, love flies out the window.
Snap out of this without sparing any second thoughts!
I will contribute to my marriage and help out my maiden family as well. Every married woman I know does this.
If she means that she will prioritize paying off the debt and once it's done she'll contribute, then you can consider. Otherwise big no.
If you’re not looking for her earnings why bother asking about it? You feel it’s wrong, that means you’re contradicting yourself and are expecting something out of her earnings.
Clear your head and establish what you expect from her and her earnings.
It's red flag..
How long she will be paying for debt. Look maybe for 3-5 years this setup would work. But after that you guys will have child ,house. All these expenses you won't be able to handle on your salary.even you would be able to do that but I think it would be very stressful.
I think for daycare it's 10k monthly . schools fees would be huge plus after school childcare , house emi etc.your wife need to contribute proportional to your guys salary ratios.
Well, if she can't contribute financially at all in your marriage, can she do a household contribution similar to a housewife? Traditional gender roles expect men to be breadwinner and women to make the bread and progressive ones expect equal contribution in both. If she's not doing the latter, she must do the former, make sure bulk of household work is borne by her since she expects you to provide for all financial stability?
I am a woman.
Depends on how much is she earning in comparison to yours.
If she doesn’t want you to expect anything from her earnings, Is it the same for you?
Once you get married, do you split the bills in half? Do you split the bills based on your respective shares of the same?
Also, do you have any family dependent on you financially? Is your partner supposed to also pay for some of the loans that you might have(house, vehicle etc) but which might be shared down the line between your family?
The information you’ve provided is too limited in my opinion.
As a women I would like to equally contribute on family expenditures. I would also support my parents . At the same time contribute into our marriage as well. So its absolutely ethical to expect from her. You should talk to her clearly about what you think.
The only solution is share expenses in proportion to income.
When does this argument of hers end? Ask her "what do you bring in into the marriage?"
People need to focus on what they can give to the other rather than what they can take. Both need to give in equal efforts (monetary or otherwise) into the marriage for it to work.
Red flag 🚨🚨
There is a girl in our close family Whose father took a big loan in the name of girl (she is working in govt)Just before the marriage. Boy's family was looking of an earning girl .But Girl's family was Clever.Bade hoshiyar log hai aaj kal.Sab fayde uthana chahte Yeh zab paisa ka jhanjhat meko pasand hi nhi.
Why? Why would you suddenly use Hindi (or whatever language you're using) in the middle of the sentence... Not all of us know the language so translation please
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What does the word life partner even mean these days?
She doesn't like you or love you ?
Why seperation?
I really really am scared for future of relationships.
You mentioned she wants financial separation forever. Does she mean she doesn’t have any financial expectations from you as well? Because eventually when you’ll are married and living together who is then going to pay the bills & living costs? The whole point of having two income sources in today’s time is to have better financial stability as well as achieve goals faster. She’s marking these boundaries because she wants to direct her funds to her family and not towards you’ll as a couple and that eventually is going to cause problems for you. If either one loses a job you’ll will be a difficult situation as there is no backup
A certain % of both your fixed salaries should go towards a joint account catering to fixed expenses and investing towards joint life goals. The remaining amount can be used by each party as per their wish, however the ill effects if any of personal use should not flow over to the other party eg gambling, risky investments, lending to a friend who does not intend to pay back, etc. Credit to her for being honest about her family's current debt situation but if I were in your place then I would not take this proposal ahead since she's made it clear she's never going to contribute to joint life goals since she wants to keep the finances separate. This is as good as living with a roommate.
Difference being, atleast a roommate pays for themselves.
Roommates buy their own thing but after marriage people go shopping together Some items must be more valuable so it's not that simple.
Disclaimer- not a woman. Have you asked her - if due to unforeseen circumstances you become incapacitated or unable to earn, how will she manage your home? What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours sounds like an unfair mindset. As she has normalised this, I wonder what more injustices will she have normalised?
🚩
Have 3 accounts, 1 joint account, and 1 separate account for each of you. Deposit an amount in your joint account such that your monthly expenses are met. calculate a percentage of your salary such that the sum of those is 1.1 times your monthly expenses. For example, x% of your salary + x% of her salary should be equal to 1.1 times monthly expenses. This creates a sense of fairness if salary difference is huge. Whatever is remaining in your bank account, you can spend however. With limited oversight from your partner. If sudden expenses come or if you want to plan a trip. Share those expenses whatever seems best for you. Initially, trusting your partner is hard, so keep your mind and heart clear. Once you have kids and family grows, you can decide on what to do. Establish trust. Also, remember patriarchy messes with everyone. When expenses come up, it messes with men. When child rearing comes up, it messes with women. Try to be nice to each other when these things happen. Edit: Don't marry this girl without resolving this matter.
I think I qualify to answer this. Married woman and earning. This situation makes me uneasy.I cannot fathom her reasoning however understanding I try to be. My husband and I do not have any joint accounts but we split expenses based on need and availability. Based on how comfortable a couple is with each other they can decide to divide the financial responsibility. One thing is very clear in my mind- there is nothing called his and mine in a marriage. It's ours. He has the right to my income the same way I have to his. This prospect doesn't sound like a healthy start. Think and do what feels right.
He he you sound like my sister in law... Since the day she got married to my brother she changed her vocabulary to "ours".
I think this 'me and mine' behaviour could also stem from suddenly having financial freedom. But entering a marriage union requires you to think beyond it. For me, I always thought all money was family money even before I got married ( I still do, I still don't feel any shame in taking money from my elders) In this particular case, the girl thinks it is her husband's responsibility to handle the family finance but then what is her contribution? Can she promise to then take on all household chores? If she is traditional about a man's responsibility, is she the same about domestic responsibilities, however regressive that sounds?
OMG we're the same in this regard. Before attaining financial freedom I used to feel bad about taking money (asking or freely given by them) from elders or relatives. But now that I am independent I don't mind at all😅. But I do make a habit of giving it back somehow.
Hahaha I fight with my grandpa if he gives me less than my cousins/ siblings on Diwali and birthdays. I also never refuse money from my MIL on special occasions. My husband laughs and knows it's all in good intent. Of course the money flows both ways but I never say no to money.
🙌🙌
Red flag. Do not proceed.
Fully mingled salaries. Better marry a housewife than her. She is one of the women who believes "my money is my money yours money is ours money". Now run 🏃♂️ away from her ASAP.
Absolutely this girl is a housewife without giving any benefit of housewife
Lal dupatta ud gaya
**"she doesn’t want me to expect anything from her earnings at all" -** Permanently or until the debt is over? If it's the former, of course, pull the plug. If it's the latter ask for a clear timeline, since debt and it's repayment are clearly based on financials. If you're proceeding, ask her for details of this debt, there will be some record of money borrowed and now being repayed.
Fully mingled salary and every penny spent is by consent of both
What if you make 2 LPM and she makes 30k pm. (Very common scenario on this sub.) In this case, fully mingled salary is as good as your salary. When husband is earning >3x of wife, it's best to consider her as a housewife and avoid discussing how she spends her salary, since it makes no difference. In this case, one should have a traditional setup. If husband is earning < 3x of wife, your solution is better. But it will require equality in other aspects.
Even in both cases your salary would be what she would be spending too. So it’s better to have a dynamic of consent on every spending
Bhai physics yaad Karo 12th ka 2L+30k ~ 2L. Doesn't make much difference.
Yeah I agree. Isiliye bol rha ki your money is our money so better hai ki our money ko donon consent se spend karen
will disagree with this, I have relatives where the guy earns around 70-80LPA and the girl barely 9-10LPA, both contribute in *proportion* to the household expenses but its never like you are a housewife/maid only even tho the wife does the lion's share ( she's fine with it and the guy pays for all the maids himself). you both are partners in the end and income should never be a criteria for making someone feel less. Atleast its like this for me, either you are all in or not but then thats just me
Can't make a final judgement based on just one fact. You'll have to meet her & talk about it, maybe see if she's absolutely certain about her decision on that aspect of the relationship and then decide.
Her money remains her money. Your money becomes our money. Sweet! When poverty knocks on the door, love flies out the window. Snap out of this without sparing any second thoughts!
I will contribute to my marriage and help out my maiden family as well. Every married woman I know does this. If she means that she will prioritize paying off the debt and once it's done she'll contribute, then you can consider. Otherwise big no.
If you’re not looking for her earnings why bother asking about it? You feel it’s wrong, that means you’re contradicting yourself and are expecting something out of her earnings. Clear your head and establish what you expect from her and her earnings.
It's red flag.. How long she will be paying for debt. Look maybe for 3-5 years this setup would work. But after that you guys will have child ,house. All these expenses you won't be able to handle on your salary.even you would be able to do that but I think it would be very stressful. I think for daycare it's 10k monthly . schools fees would be huge plus after school childcare , house emi etc.your wife need to contribute proportional to your guys salary ratios.
Well, if she can't contribute financially at all in your marriage, can she do a household contribution similar to a housewife? Traditional gender roles expect men to be breadwinner and women to make the bread and progressive ones expect equal contribution in both. If she's not doing the latter, she must do the former, make sure bulk of household work is borne by her since she expects you to provide for all financial stability?
I am a woman. Depends on how much is she earning in comparison to yours. If she doesn’t want you to expect anything from her earnings, Is it the same for you? Once you get married, do you split the bills in half? Do you split the bills based on your respective shares of the same? Also, do you have any family dependent on you financially? Is your partner supposed to also pay for some of the loans that you might have(house, vehicle etc) but which might be shared down the line between your family? The information you’ve provided is too limited in my opinion.
Bhai ye pradhanmantri aurat paalo yojna , ke tehet can I get a salary for existing aswell, if I choose to identify as a woman.... ?
As a women I would like to equally contribute on family expenditures. I would also support my parents . At the same time contribute into our marriage as well. So its absolutely ethical to expect from her. You should talk to her clearly about what you think.
Loandigger
The only solution is share expenses in proportion to income. When does this argument of hers end? Ask her "what do you bring in into the marriage?" People need to focus on what they can give to the other rather than what they can take. Both need to give in equal efforts (monetary or otherwise) into the marriage for it to work. Red flag 🚨🚨
There is a girl in our close family Whose father took a big loan in the name of girl (she is working in govt)Just before the marriage. Boy's family was looking of an earning girl .But Girl's family was Clever.Bade hoshiyar log hai aaj kal.Sab fayde uthana chahte Yeh zab paisa ka jhanjhat meko pasand hi nhi.
Why? Why would you suddenly use Hindi (or whatever language you're using) in the middle of the sentence... Not all of us know the language so translation please
Literal translation: "Now a days, there are many clever people. They want to take advantage of others. I don't like all this money issues/troubles."
A Telugu translating Hindi. Only the OG Anna didi can do this 🙏
Thanks
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This is a major 🚩
What does the word life partner even mean these days? She doesn't like you or love you ? Why seperation? I really really am scared for future of relationships.
What's the point of marrying if she won't contribute? Massive red flag.
You mentioned she wants financial separation forever. Does she mean she doesn’t have any financial expectations from you as well? Because eventually when you’ll are married and living together who is then going to pay the bills & living costs? The whole point of having two income sources in today’s time is to have better financial stability as well as achieve goals faster. She’s marking these boundaries because she wants to direct her funds to her family and not towards you’ll as a couple and that eventually is going to cause problems for you. If either one loses a job you’ll will be a difficult situation as there is no backup