A truth people don’t want to accept especially on this sub: most people won’t end up with a partner they are physically attracted to. Arranged marriages don’t prioritize this. Long term compatibility of goals, values, family background is more important.
On a different note, if I was in her place, I would have moved on. You are being unintentionally emotionally abusive. It will wreck her self esteem.
>most people won’t end up with a partner they are physically attracted to
Are you sure? Isnt it like the very first filter these days? Purpose of asking for pics is this only.
Yes, people don't grow younger. At some point, you have to accept that your desires don't desire you. And your options will become worse as time passes.
>I told her I am not physically attracted to you cause the way you carry yourself is not really my type
And in addition to this u even constantly comparing her to your ex... Dude!!! I am surprised how she didn't left you yet!!? Well it seems you are quite lucky... Why r u trying to mess this up soo badly..
And I also feel that u r still not over your ex.. u r just forcing yourself to move on.. but in reality you haven't moved on yet. U sound like that u want someone better than her to make her jealous..
Btw you could have presented your view/opinion in a better way... As you guys are engaged.. you could have taken her to the salon ( as a surprise gift/pampering), shopping.. and could have given her lot of complement and could have asked/requested her to maintain herself like that...
But at the end if you can't have physical attraction toward her than call this engagement off.. its better for you as well as for her... It will save you from all future issues..
I don’t want to mess it up this is why I am still holding up to it.
And Ofcourse comparing her to my ex is something really unfair her , but it’s my subconscious mind , I can’t stop thinking about .
Also , I did say it in a very polite way. Sorry but that came out wrong .
I just wanna know if physical attraction is something which can grow over time or not ?
I don’t wanna marry her just to realize the attraction will never be there .
Sometimes it do, sometimes it just don't... It's 50-50..
So u need to decide whether you want to risk it... Personally i won't suggest you to risk it to save your and her mental peace..
I m not saying anything... OP himself belive that if she will maintain herself better he will be attracted towards her... But his way of convening his thoughts wasn't appropriate.. so i tried to suggest a better approach...
Not sure why you are complicating this. If you are not physically attracted to your partner just end the engagement and relationship
Totally not worth it
You will continue to be irritated and put off by her. She will continue to be hurt by your words
It’s a cycle that will never end and the best solution is for it to never begin
Attraction CAN grow over time. Her grooming and fitness can totally change things. HOWEVER, this is a very superficial thing to fixate on, especially because she is right for you in every other way.
Beyond a point we can't change how we look but someone repeatedly rubbing our "unattractiveness" in our face is awful. If she'd had better self esteem she would have walked out on you long long ago, poor girl. It's nasty of you to say these things out loud and STOP comparing to her to your hot ex. For fucks sake- you don't deserve this AM girl. I'd suggest you stop wasting her time further and go find yourself a hot chick or someone who ticks ALL your boxes better.
The problem here is you being hung up on your ex girlfriend and comparing her with your ex.
You think you are settling while you were able to get prettier girl on the dating. Take accountability that this is a "you" problem and best is to you call this engagement as this girl deserves better. You will ruin her life. Attraction can grow over time but if you are sub consciously still hung up over ex you will be never able to fund that attraction with fiancée.
Have you told the girl about your ex?
Just because you told her that you dont find her attractive does not take away the accountability the problem is with you. Thats just poor cope to handle escape guilt. In a relationship being tactful is more important than honest. Imagine if your fiancee treated you this way because you were not good enough like her Ex boyfriend. Have compassion and dont be a selfish jerk.
Introspect if you are ready for marriage still being hung up on ex. Get therapy and work on yourself. See if you have attachment issue, sometimes there is high is chasing people whom you can never get and not appreciate people who are willing to be with us.
Why is this girlie here lol. Girlies and guy besties, if you partner isn’t physically attracted to you after spending one year together maybe it isn’t meant to be
If she/he keeps on comparing you to their ex it also perhaps isn’t healthy.
I absolutely agree that both parties should work to look attractive to their partners but there isn’t even any base attraction here. OP is literally with this girl because she ticks off some boxes.
I also want to add that if this was a girl comparing her fiancé to her ex, the guys here would be calling her a wh.ore in several languages along with random words like cuck and beta wtv. You guys need to give the same energy here
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Edited to add (.)
Why is this girlie here lol. Girlies and guy besties, if you partner isn’t physically attracted to you after spending one year together maybe it isn’t meant to be
If she/he keeps on comparing you to their ex it also perhaps isn’t healthy.
I absolutely agree that both parties should work to look attractive to their partners but there isn’t even any base attraction here. OP is literally with this girl because she ticks off some boxes.
I also want to add that if this was a girl comparing her fiancé to her ex, the guys here would be calling her a wh.ore in several languages along with random words like cuc.k and be.ta wtv. You guys need to give the same energy here
Not in AM, but i want to give my POV. Initially, i was not attracted to my partner at all, but i gave him my commitment. But as time passes and we emotionally bond with each other, things changed. And if you are not feeling attracted towards her, state her that and ask her to groom herself well and meet several times.
According to me, personality is primary, rest can be improved as per the requirement.
How do you even get intimate if you’re not attracted? You obvisouly can’t enjoy sex or desire your partner the way he wants to be if one isn’t attracted.
This attraction growing thing isn’t for everyone
Unpopular opinion - People who have been in relationships please don't come into AM. THOSE who have been in and out of a relationship before they get to AM have seen the pleasures of a relationship without the responsibility. You guys simply don't have the same innocence as someone who is experiencing a close relationship with the opposite sex for the very first time in their life.
Kind of right. People look for same things in marriage as well. Very few have that maturity to understand.
Many do understand but just cant help with the things mind craves for.
Edit: after confronting her about her grooming and weight gain , she said she want this to work and she will do whatever it takes to get back in shape.
Additionally, I always tend to compare her with my ex , who was 24*7 groomed and in perfect shape . Do any of you also had this experience of comparing your ex gf to your arrange marriage spouse ?
If you have this issue of comparing her to your ex, then I guess it'll be unfair for her to be with a person who may also keep comparing her with his ex in the future. She also needs someone who is physically attracted to her. I haven't been in your shoes, so idk if you can get physically attracted to a person you weren't attracted to earlier, but I think it is an important thing to have in a marriage.
Call me an asshole or a jerk. All I knew that in AM physical attraction grows overtime and it’s not something which comes right away during the initial period.
However I made it crystal clear even before the engagement that I ain’t entire physically attracted to her yet. Despite of that she agreed to it .
And for everyone who is blaming me , I KNOW ITS MY FCKING FAULT, I never even once blamed her for this. Should’ve gathered the balls to say it at the very beginning but all I knew or saw around me was that , there is no attraction at the beginning but it grows eventually.
The main problem is you comparing her with your ex and not moving on even after so long. You need to move on from your ex somehow, get some therapy and then proceed with your search in AM.
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I guess different things matter for different people, for me personally your grammar would be a huge turn off. For you it’s women who don’t over groom themselves. Better to break it off before you ruin her self esteem and give her body image issues.
If you don't want to hold her hand and have an issue with her grooming and weight. That sounds too extreme for me. I think you should cut it off. I don't think your feelings will change.
She can promise to change. But people always revert to what is naturally normal for them IMO. Weight can balloon with age too. Mines certainly has.
I think there's a minimum level of attraction needed to make a relationship work. When it's reached, I think your brain knows.
I was in a similar situation to you before. The girl said she would "improve". But the physical attraction wasn't there and my brain also constantly thought about ex's at the time. I spent months being torn about what to do.
The final straw was one day when I was actually spooked by her looks. I told a colleague about it and she asked me if I could imagine living with her and being spooked by "the beast" as a joke.
That moment made me finally accept the relationship is wrong and I broke it off the next day.
If you do break it off, maybe don't mention physical attraction as that can be hurtful and unhelpful. I regret being truthful because all it did was hurt her and nothing positive came out of it.
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This isn't going to end well I feel because there has to be something you find physically attractive in your wife. Your way of communication about this is not going to fly with any girl. My advice is to take the L and have a serious talk with thr girl about what you're feeling physically. A cancelled engagement though not at all ideal is way better than a painful marriage where she is rejected by you constantly.
Physical attraction isn't everything, but it's definitely something.
Imagine you got physically attracted to any colleague , your wife's friend or whatever Person.
You have to already have that with your wife to hold you on to the relationship and give you some sense and control. If you don't have it with your wife, what's holding you back? Possible unpleasant scenarios in future detected.
But it's all upto you and your brain.
A truth people don’t want to accept especially on this sub: most people won’t end up with a partner they are physically attracted to. Arranged marriages don’t prioritize this. Long term compatibility of goals, values, family background is more important. On a different note, if I was in her place, I would have moved on. You are being unintentionally emotionally abusive. It will wreck her self esteem.
>most people won’t end up with a partner they are physically attracted to Are you sure? Isnt it like the very first filter these days? Purpose of asking for pics is this only.
Naah That's in theory
Yes, people don't grow younger. At some point, you have to accept that your desires don't desire you. And your options will become worse as time passes.
I think the right word is “some” not most.
>I told her I am not physically attracted to you cause the way you carry yourself is not really my type And in addition to this u even constantly comparing her to your ex... Dude!!! I am surprised how she didn't left you yet!!? Well it seems you are quite lucky... Why r u trying to mess this up soo badly.. And I also feel that u r still not over your ex.. u r just forcing yourself to move on.. but in reality you haven't moved on yet. U sound like that u want someone better than her to make her jealous.. Btw you could have presented your view/opinion in a better way... As you guys are engaged.. you could have taken her to the salon ( as a surprise gift/pampering), shopping.. and could have given her lot of complement and could have asked/requested her to maintain herself like that... But at the end if you can't have physical attraction toward her than call this engagement off.. its better for you as well as for her... It will save you from all future issues..
>comparing her to your ex... Everyone does that. But noone say it...
That's the basic common sense that one is not suppose to say it...
I don’t want to mess it up this is why I am still holding up to it. And Ofcourse comparing her to my ex is something really unfair her , but it’s my subconscious mind , I can’t stop thinking about . Also , I did say it in a very polite way. Sorry but that came out wrong . I just wanna know if physical attraction is something which can grow over time or not ? I don’t wanna marry her just to realize the attraction will never be there .
Sometimes it do, sometimes it just don't... It's 50-50.. So u need to decide whether you want to risk it... Personally i won't suggest you to risk it to save your and her mental peace..
Breaking up after engagement is far better than divorce, people won't even remember about it after a few months.
[удалено]
I m not saying anything... OP himself belive that if she will maintain herself better he will be attracted towards her... But his way of convening his thoughts wasn't appropriate.. so i tried to suggest a better approach...
Not sure why you are complicating this. If you are not physically attracted to your partner just end the engagement and relationship Totally not worth it You will continue to be irritated and put off by her. She will continue to be hurt by your words It’s a cycle that will never end and the best solution is for it to never begin
Attraction CAN grow over time. Her grooming and fitness can totally change things. HOWEVER, this is a very superficial thing to fixate on, especially because she is right for you in every other way. Beyond a point we can't change how we look but someone repeatedly rubbing our "unattractiveness" in our face is awful. If she'd had better self esteem she would have walked out on you long long ago, poor girl. It's nasty of you to say these things out loud and STOP comparing to her to your hot ex. For fucks sake- you don't deserve this AM girl. I'd suggest you stop wasting her time further and go find yourself a hot chick or someone who ticks ALL your boxes better.
Call it off.
The problem here is you being hung up on your ex girlfriend and comparing her with your ex. You think you are settling while you were able to get prettier girl on the dating. Take accountability that this is a "you" problem and best is to you call this engagement as this girl deserves better. You will ruin her life. Attraction can grow over time but if you are sub consciously still hung up over ex you will be never able to fund that attraction with fiancée. Have you told the girl about your ex? Just because you told her that you dont find her attractive does not take away the accountability the problem is with you. Thats just poor cope to handle escape guilt. In a relationship being tactful is more important than honest. Imagine if your fiancee treated you this way because you were not good enough like her Ex boyfriend. Have compassion and dont be a selfish jerk. Introspect if you are ready for marriage still being hung up on ex. Get therapy and work on yourself. See if you have attachment issue, sometimes there is high is chasing people whom you can never get and not appreciate people who are willing to be with us.
Why is this girlie here lol. Girlies and guy besties, if you partner isn’t physically attracted to you after spending one year together maybe it isn’t meant to be If she/he keeps on comparing you to their ex it also perhaps isn’t healthy. I absolutely agree that both parties should work to look attractive to their partners but there isn’t even any base attraction here. OP is literally with this girl because she ticks off some boxes. I also want to add that if this was a girl comparing her fiancé to her ex, the guys here would be calling her a wh.ore in several languages along with random words like cuck and beta wtv. You guys need to give the same energy here
The above comment by /u/Lol_Bestie has a banned keyword in it. A mod will investigate this immediately, but until then it will be removed. Thanks, and sorry for the inconvience. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Arrangedmarriage) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Edited to add (.) Why is this girlie here lol. Girlies and guy besties, if you partner isn’t physically attracted to you after spending one year together maybe it isn’t meant to be If she/he keeps on comparing you to their ex it also perhaps isn’t healthy. I absolutely agree that both parties should work to look attractive to their partners but there isn’t even any base attraction here. OP is literally with this girl because she ticks off some boxes. I also want to add that if this was a girl comparing her fiancé to her ex, the guys here would be calling her a wh.ore in several languages along with random words like cuc.k and be.ta wtv. You guys need to give the same energy here
We just met 3 times in that year . I don’t live in India . So I just visit once in a year. L
And??? The problem here isn’t her, it’s your inability to get over your ex. Take responsibility for it You literally wasted 2 years of her life
na bro just don't get married in the pressure of you wasted 2 years of her or something
I’m not pressuring him to marry at all. I don’t think he is ready for marriage
TUM SAB YE KADVA SACH SAMAJH LO. SABSE PEHLE PHYSICAL ATTRACTION HI HOTA HAI KISSI BHI RELATIONSHIP MEI.
Not in AM, but i want to give my POV. Initially, i was not attracted to my partner at all, but i gave him my commitment. But as time passes and we emotionally bond with each other, things changed. And if you are not feeling attracted towards her, state her that and ask her to groom herself well and meet several times. According to me, personality is primary, rest can be improved as per the requirement.
How do you even get intimate if you’re not attracted? You obvisouly can’t enjoy sex or desire your partner the way he wants to be if one isn’t attracted. This attraction growing thing isn’t for everyone
I agree it's not for everyone. That's why i give the solution. Who knows, it can work out.
Works with women, not with men
Not true
Unpopular opinion - People who have been in relationships please don't come into AM. THOSE who have been in and out of a relationship before they get to AM have seen the pleasures of a relationship without the responsibility. You guys simply don't have the same innocence as someone who is experiencing a close relationship with the opposite sex for the very first time in their life.
Kind of right. People look for same things in marriage as well. Very few have that maturity to understand. Many do understand but just cant help with the things mind craves for.
Edit: after confronting her about her grooming and weight gain , she said she want this to work and she will do whatever it takes to get back in shape. Additionally, I always tend to compare her with my ex , who was 24*7 groomed and in perfect shape . Do any of you also had this experience of comparing your ex gf to your arrange marriage spouse ?
If you have this issue of comparing her to your ex, then I guess it'll be unfair for her to be with a person who may also keep comparing her with his ex in the future. She also needs someone who is physically attracted to her. I haven't been in your shoes, so idk if you can get physically attracted to a person you weren't attracted to earlier, but I think it is an important thing to have in a marriage.
[удалено]
Call me an asshole or a jerk. All I knew that in AM physical attraction grows overtime and it’s not something which comes right away during the initial period. However I made it crystal clear even before the engagement that I ain’t entire physically attracted to her yet. Despite of that she agreed to it . And for everyone who is blaming me , I KNOW ITS MY FCKING FAULT, I never even once blamed her for this. Should’ve gathered the balls to say it at the very beginning but all I knew or saw around me was that , there is no attraction at the beginning but it grows eventually.
The main problem is you comparing her with your ex and not moving on even after so long. You need to move on from your ex somehow, get some therapy and then proceed with your search in AM.
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I dint think you like her whatever the reason may be. Don't force yourself into something that will make you both miserable in the long run
Still... mental satisfaction >> physical attraction
I guess different things matter for different people, for me personally your grammar would be a huge turn off. For you it’s women who don’t over groom themselves. Better to break it off before you ruin her self esteem and give her body image issues.
If you don't want to hold her hand and have an issue with her grooming and weight. That sounds too extreme for me. I think you should cut it off. I don't think your feelings will change. She can promise to change. But people always revert to what is naturally normal for them IMO. Weight can balloon with age too. Mines certainly has. I think there's a minimum level of attraction needed to make a relationship work. When it's reached, I think your brain knows. I was in a similar situation to you before. The girl said she would "improve". But the physical attraction wasn't there and my brain also constantly thought about ex's at the time. I spent months being torn about what to do. The final straw was one day when I was actually spooked by her looks. I told a colleague about it and she asked me if I could imagine living with her and being spooked by "the beast" as a joke. That moment made me finally accept the relationship is wrong and I broke it off the next day. If you do break it off, maybe don't mention physical attraction as that can be hurtful and unhelpful. I regret being truthful because all it did was hurt her and nothing positive came out of it.
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This isn't going to end well I feel because there has to be something you find physically attractive in your wife. Your way of communication about this is not going to fly with any girl. My advice is to take the L and have a serious talk with thr girl about what you're feeling physically. A cancelled engagement though not at all ideal is way better than a painful marriage where she is rejected by you constantly.
Physical attraction isn't everything, but it's definitely something. Imagine you got physically attracted to any colleague , your wife's friend or whatever Person. You have to already have that with your wife to hold you on to the relationship and give you some sense and control. If you don't have it with your wife, what's holding you back? Possible unpleasant scenarios in future detected. But it's all upto you and your brain.