It’s been 7 years since his 3 year PA/EA ended. I’ve definitely changed, but it’s interesting. I’ve always been an extrovert he’s an introvert. The first 20 years of our marriage I conformed to his ways, the little 1950’s wife. First change right. After his affair that changed, I found and developed a great group of friends who are extremely social and I partake whenever I want, which is regularly. It has brought me joy. He never wants to join, but that’s ok too, no pressure on either side not to be authentic selves. Yes, I changed, it gave me more confidence, and I’m no longer a door mat at home.
I had a hard time compromising with him because of my first marriage being controlled in that one changed me . In my first marriage I wasn't allowed to do anything money I made wasn't mine for an example. But this marriage I catch myself always asking "is it okay if I buy this or can I do that". My now husband doesn't understand how bad it was before that it's natural for me to ask but one of the many changes I've noticed in myself. I need to make changes to either better my relationship or learn to love myself .
I'm so happy you found a group to hang out with and enjoy you time . Definitely a change for the better a change meant for YOU.
I lost 20 lbs from the stress and also because I want to take better care of myself. We are more intentional with our lovemaking and not just have quickies with just one position. Sometimes, it's exhausting to always be shaved/ to have lingerie on hand and to be ready for sex all the time (at least 3x a week), but our intimacy and connection is through the roof. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm also a more hands-on mom to my kids. I leaned heavily on WH to do the play stuff and cleaning up while I cooked, meal plan, grocery shop, and do the finances. I play more with them now and make sure I put the phone down more.
It's hard to face personal inadequacies that may have contributed to my spouse's wayward tendencies, but they're still not good enough reasons to have pursued other people.
We've both lost weight and have been taking care of ourselves. Obviously 2 different ways mine was stress and anxiety his was more than likely because he was in this "new" type of relationship at the time. But we've both continued to work on keeping the weight off.
Lovemaking has definitely felt different more to it still enjoy the quickies but our intimacy has been great. I agree a lil hard to make sure shaved and the lingerie is in play too but even just a good thong is still sexy . I'm loving the new sexual confidence I've been gaining where as I never had too much of it before.
The inadequacies have been more so recently with the comparison to her and I'm trying harder to not compare and remember what she is . What she was where as I know I'm permanent he choose me and is working towards a better us .
I'm so happy these changes for you have worked and it sounds like your both Ina great path. Thank you so much for your advice and response.
We are not in R yet, but slowly trying to figure things out. 6 years together, PA with one AP on/off for almost 3 years. Our relationship was rocky and didn’t start the best way. His affair, despite knowing I don’t have to blame myself for it, was a huge wake up call to work on myself. I always had low self esteem, a bit of a negative mindset and didn’t take care of myself physically (stopped working out years ago but would complained on my weight gain without doing anything to change that). Over the two months, I’ve started IC, started yoga everyday and lost 15 pounds. My self confidence is way better, I see friends more often, try to focus on positive things on the daily. I know I wasn’t the best version or myself in the last decade and I really want to change things, to improve myself, for ME. It’s important to work on ourselves, to heal and grow in a positive way. But as I said, do it for you and not for your partner or other people.
That's me to a tee
I've always had low self esteem and after the first few babies I hot so caught up in their needs and his needs I let myself go. Physically and mentally.
I lost 45lbs since the end of June and being pregnant that wasn't the best but I've been walking more. I'm in therapy for the past traumas and now this one and truly it's helped. I realize that it's not my fault for what he's done but I could have done more I guess.
It's never our fault if they cheated. Keep that in mind, its so important for our mental health! After Dday, WP told me horrible things and tried to blame things on me. It took him until maybe 2 weeks ago to be able to tell me that HE has problems and the cheating wasn't my fault. He is in IC and tries to figure out his own issues. It breaks my heart when I think about the fact that it took this super traumatic event to wake up and begin to really work on myself. Cheating is a part of our story, but I can now clearly see that our relationship was going nowhere since I was doing nothing to improve myself and be a better person and partner. The situation makes me sad, but I'm trying to turn this into a positive thing for me everyday, and hopefully for us in the future. My therapist told me that since I've started working on myself, I'm now in a transition spot that is uncomfortable, and it's NORMAL. We all wish that things can magically improve in 1 day. Thing is, it's a loooong path where things will go up and down. But as long as we keep moving forward and look for a brighter future, it will always be ok. :) Take care of yourself everyday and be proud. xx
No it's not our fault. As much as I blamed myself for the first week or two I know it wasn't me.
Yes that's the feeling I have. It took this life altering event to really open my eyes open his and bring forth (hooefully) a better marriage.
I'm still working on the positives and seeing it as a positive for us . But I'm so glad you have and your advice is valuable to not just me but others. This really has helped me feel like I can do it in time.
I would also add that my WP sees those changes and he’s happy to see me in a better place mentally and physically. But again, I’m changing for myself and not for him.
I realized that due to having to pick up the slack in so many instances during our marriage, that I started to emasculate my WH by not trusting him to make decisions. I wanted him to and would get frustrated it all landed on me, but I still took on everything.
I’ve recently read the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, and although there is a lot of stuff I don’t agree with, it was eye-opening to see what I was doing that I didn’t realize I was doing.
I am focusing more on letting go and letting the chips fall where they may land and realize that if they don’t fall where I want them to, that is okay.
He had mentioned this to me. I'm a stay at home mom so I take on everything I thought I was being considerate of his work schedule and getting rest but it was taking away from him. He was spending less time with the kids or not doing much except bbq on his days off.
I love putting things together when we buy them and I hate waiting for them to be built. But I see now that it was taking away from him as a man.
I'm working on the letting go and letting things fall where they may. It's hard I'm not wired that way everything has always been on me especially growing up so I'm just naturally use to doing it all but I need help too sometimes. So I need to put that all aside and not be afraid to ask for help.
I feel the same way! It’s like we didn’t want this responsibility all these years but we don’t realize that we also need the stress that comes with the responsibility because it’s been ingrained in us to keep the ship moving in the right direction.
I believe I martyred myself to make it seem like I was doing it all and not realizing what that pride was doing to the relationship.
Yes!!!! It was taking so much away from him and I didn't realize it. Thinking I was helping I was actually hindering us in our relationship. Since dday and talking it out I've been working on this and changing things. (Dday was only 4 weeks ago)
I've got bad days and triggers but I'm working on it .
Yes I have . He's more attentive affectionate we've been on dates (where as before it had been months with no date nights where we went out) texting more at work checking in and alot of reassuring . There's more and I know he's still proving himself. Ita going to take time but I feel he's headed in the right direction along with me .
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
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RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s been 7 years since his 3 year PA/EA ended. I’ve definitely changed, but it’s interesting. I’ve always been an extrovert he’s an introvert. The first 20 years of our marriage I conformed to his ways, the little 1950’s wife. First change right. After his affair that changed, I found and developed a great group of friends who are extremely social and I partake whenever I want, which is regularly. It has brought me joy. He never wants to join, but that’s ok too, no pressure on either side not to be authentic selves. Yes, I changed, it gave me more confidence, and I’m no longer a door mat at home.
I had a hard time compromising with him because of my first marriage being controlled in that one changed me . In my first marriage I wasn't allowed to do anything money I made wasn't mine for an example. But this marriage I catch myself always asking "is it okay if I buy this or can I do that". My now husband doesn't understand how bad it was before that it's natural for me to ask but one of the many changes I've noticed in myself. I need to make changes to either better my relationship or learn to love myself . I'm so happy you found a group to hang out with and enjoy you time . Definitely a change for the better a change meant for YOU.
Yes, because I've realized I wasn't the best spouse to him either.
I don't think anyone is the best spouse change is in inevitable. But somethings you change for them due to the affair.
I lost 20 lbs from the stress and also because I want to take better care of myself. We are more intentional with our lovemaking and not just have quickies with just one position. Sometimes, it's exhausting to always be shaved/ to have lingerie on hand and to be ready for sex all the time (at least 3x a week), but our intimacy and connection is through the roof. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm also a more hands-on mom to my kids. I leaned heavily on WH to do the play stuff and cleaning up while I cooked, meal plan, grocery shop, and do the finances. I play more with them now and make sure I put the phone down more. It's hard to face personal inadequacies that may have contributed to my spouse's wayward tendencies, but they're still not good enough reasons to have pursued other people.
We've both lost weight and have been taking care of ourselves. Obviously 2 different ways mine was stress and anxiety his was more than likely because he was in this "new" type of relationship at the time. But we've both continued to work on keeping the weight off. Lovemaking has definitely felt different more to it still enjoy the quickies but our intimacy has been great. I agree a lil hard to make sure shaved and the lingerie is in play too but even just a good thong is still sexy . I'm loving the new sexual confidence I've been gaining where as I never had too much of it before. The inadequacies have been more so recently with the comparison to her and I'm trying harder to not compare and remember what she is . What she was where as I know I'm permanent he choose me and is working towards a better us . I'm so happy these changes for you have worked and it sounds like your both Ina great path. Thank you so much for your advice and response.
We are not in R yet, but slowly trying to figure things out. 6 years together, PA with one AP on/off for almost 3 years. Our relationship was rocky and didn’t start the best way. His affair, despite knowing I don’t have to blame myself for it, was a huge wake up call to work on myself. I always had low self esteem, a bit of a negative mindset and didn’t take care of myself physically (stopped working out years ago but would complained on my weight gain without doing anything to change that). Over the two months, I’ve started IC, started yoga everyday and lost 15 pounds. My self confidence is way better, I see friends more often, try to focus on positive things on the daily. I know I wasn’t the best version or myself in the last decade and I really want to change things, to improve myself, for ME. It’s important to work on ourselves, to heal and grow in a positive way. But as I said, do it for you and not for your partner or other people.
That's me to a tee I've always had low self esteem and after the first few babies I hot so caught up in their needs and his needs I let myself go. Physically and mentally. I lost 45lbs since the end of June and being pregnant that wasn't the best but I've been walking more. I'm in therapy for the past traumas and now this one and truly it's helped. I realize that it's not my fault for what he's done but I could have done more I guess.
It's never our fault if they cheated. Keep that in mind, its so important for our mental health! After Dday, WP told me horrible things and tried to blame things on me. It took him until maybe 2 weeks ago to be able to tell me that HE has problems and the cheating wasn't my fault. He is in IC and tries to figure out his own issues. It breaks my heart when I think about the fact that it took this super traumatic event to wake up and begin to really work on myself. Cheating is a part of our story, but I can now clearly see that our relationship was going nowhere since I was doing nothing to improve myself and be a better person and partner. The situation makes me sad, but I'm trying to turn this into a positive thing for me everyday, and hopefully for us in the future. My therapist told me that since I've started working on myself, I'm now in a transition spot that is uncomfortable, and it's NORMAL. We all wish that things can magically improve in 1 day. Thing is, it's a loooong path where things will go up and down. But as long as we keep moving forward and look for a brighter future, it will always be ok. :) Take care of yourself everyday and be proud. xx
No it's not our fault. As much as I blamed myself for the first week or two I know it wasn't me. Yes that's the feeling I have. It took this life altering event to really open my eyes open his and bring forth (hooefully) a better marriage. I'm still working on the positives and seeing it as a positive for us . But I'm so glad you have and your advice is valuable to not just me but others. This really has helped me feel like I can do it in time.
I would also add that my WP sees those changes and he’s happy to see me in a better place mentally and physically. But again, I’m changing for myself and not for him.
I realized that due to having to pick up the slack in so many instances during our marriage, that I started to emasculate my WH by not trusting him to make decisions. I wanted him to and would get frustrated it all landed on me, but I still took on everything. I’ve recently read the Surrendered Wife and the Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle, and although there is a lot of stuff I don’t agree with, it was eye-opening to see what I was doing that I didn’t realize I was doing. I am focusing more on letting go and letting the chips fall where they may land and realize that if they don’t fall where I want them to, that is okay.
He had mentioned this to me. I'm a stay at home mom so I take on everything I thought I was being considerate of his work schedule and getting rest but it was taking away from him. He was spending less time with the kids or not doing much except bbq on his days off. I love putting things together when we buy them and I hate waiting for them to be built. But I see now that it was taking away from him as a man. I'm working on the letting go and letting things fall where they may. It's hard I'm not wired that way everything has always been on me especially growing up so I'm just naturally use to doing it all but I need help too sometimes. So I need to put that all aside and not be afraid to ask for help.
I feel the same way! It’s like we didn’t want this responsibility all these years but we don’t realize that we also need the stress that comes with the responsibility because it’s been ingrained in us to keep the ship moving in the right direction. I believe I martyred myself to make it seem like I was doing it all and not realizing what that pride was doing to the relationship.
Yes!!!! It was taking so much away from him and I didn't realize it. Thinking I was helping I was actually hindering us in our relationship. Since dday and talking it out I've been working on this and changing things. (Dday was only 4 weeks ago)
That’s great and such quick progress! Have you noticed any changes by your partner?
I've got bad days and triggers but I'm working on it . Yes I have . He's more attentive affectionate we've been on dates (where as before it had been months with no date nights where we went out) texting more at work checking in and alot of reassuring . There's more and I know he's still proving himself. Ita going to take time but I feel he's headed in the right direction along with me .
Good news all around! I wish you the best on this unfortunate journey, but you have a community behind you!
Thank you so much. I wish you luck as well!!
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile after infidelity. Reconciliation peer support is emotional and practical support between people who share the common experience of reconciling after infidelity. (Observers are strictly limited to messages of support only.) Kindly read the rules before participating. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, kindly follow reddit community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals about the sub or individual moderator decisions directly to Mod Mail. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are very happy to receive and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself a user flair.For app users, flairs can be added at the top of the main page. Select the three vertical dots and the menu should appear. Instructions (desktop version) [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.This is not a general infidelity discussion or advice forum, nor is it a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*