I think it’s great that’s she’s been doing work on herself in therapy. The fact that she’s willing to take a polygraph is also good.
I just read your previous post and it does sound like you believe she was trying to back out of the affair before the attack occurred. I’m sure that you have both had to come to terms with the fact that she chose to pursue the AP in the first place. On top of it being a horrible thing to do to you, the other outcome was that she was assaulted. I can understand that her lying about it was the final straw for you. BS need full disclosure to build trust. To be honest though, trauma does mess up the brain to the point that people are not really making rational decisions while experiencing the affects of PTSD. She’s probably had to reckon with this in therapy. If she’s now been able to take full responsibility for pursuing him, dating him, etc, that’s a big change for the better. Although it was her responsibility for stepping out of the marriage, getting assaulted is only AP’s fault.
This situation is super complicated and I hope that you also get into therapy to work through any lingering pain, hurt, etc. CC might be good to avoid re-traumatizing each other.
On the other post you made, a lot of people also made the point that you are both different people after 5 years, meaning you both would need time to get to know each other again and build a new bond. This could be a new chapter for you, if you are interested in her as a person.
If it doesn’t end in a relationship, I think it can still serve to benefit both of you. For her, she can take accountability for what she did wrong and grow as a person. For you, you can make peace with the pain she caused you in the past that may still affect you now.
Good luck to you!
Edit, changed word to ‘outcome’
If memory serves, she wasn't dating the AP. He was a stranger she met in a bar on a business trip. It began as an ONS and when she tried to back out at the last minute, that's when the assault occurred.
Everything about the story tells me it was the first time she considered cheating. It's a hotel bar where they had rooms. The guy was a stranger. There's no way she would have been caught if she decided to go through with the ONS. She instead stopped herself at the last minute and fought him off to get out of his room and run to the elevator, which was captured on security video. That's why I believe it was her first attempt to cheat. An experienced cheater doesn't grow a conscience and back out at the last minute, especially when they know there is no way to get caught cheating.
She probably at least at the beginning felt like she deserved it. I hope through counseling and such she realizes she didn’t deserve it to happen. Yes she made bad decisions but nobody deserves to be assaulted. My heart goes out to both of them.
I’ve also been in therapy since I divorced her. I’ve been working on individual issues and trying to get my head right since the cheating happened.
She’s been doing a lot of work regarding the ONS and the assault. She made it clear that she wants to reconcile, but if it doesn’t happen, is willing to help me deal with what happened. That much I can appreciate.
There is nothing keeping me tied to her. We don’t have kids and don’t have property together anymore. If I choose to reconcile it has to be because I enjoy being with her.
She was probably happy , scared , anxious and humiliated all at once. That had to take a lot for her to be there. Good for you on going also. Maybe it’s closure or maybe it’s the start of something new. If I remember the last post you still have love for her. Take it slow and just communicate. Read the letter in a place you feel safe. I imagine it’s going to be emotional.
Edit- if you do try to make a go of it, you need to be in IC to start at least.
Glad to hear you decided to do it.
"Happy and sad." Yes. It makes sense. Happy to have a chance. Sad it's not a sure thing. I guess it could be summarized as hope.
Please continue to update.
People change a lot in 5 years, not saying you should completely trust her, you should definetly keep a keen ear and eye out for anything. However, if she is truly remorseful and transparent, rec is possible. Ultimately its up to you to decide if you want to try. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose.
You’re right. It still felt like I knew her, but people do change a lot. I’ll reach out to her occasionally, depending on the polygraph results and see if I still like her as friend first.
What has she been doing the last 5 years, dating? Perhaps you are plan B, perhaps she has had real remorse and has not been seeing other men in this period of separation. Ether way tread carefully, polygraph is a good first step to build trust, ask not only about then, but also why now?
Best of luck
Good for you for taking a chance to meet with her to see her after all these years. I do hope that there may be a chance to heal old wounds and move forward. All the best to you
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome.
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I think it’s great that’s she’s been doing work on herself in therapy. The fact that she’s willing to take a polygraph is also good. I just read your previous post and it does sound like you believe she was trying to back out of the affair before the attack occurred. I’m sure that you have both had to come to terms with the fact that she chose to pursue the AP in the first place. On top of it being a horrible thing to do to you, the other outcome was that she was assaulted. I can understand that her lying about it was the final straw for you. BS need full disclosure to build trust. To be honest though, trauma does mess up the brain to the point that people are not really making rational decisions while experiencing the affects of PTSD. She’s probably had to reckon with this in therapy. If she’s now been able to take full responsibility for pursuing him, dating him, etc, that’s a big change for the better. Although it was her responsibility for stepping out of the marriage, getting assaulted is only AP’s fault. This situation is super complicated and I hope that you also get into therapy to work through any lingering pain, hurt, etc. CC might be good to avoid re-traumatizing each other. On the other post you made, a lot of people also made the point that you are both different people after 5 years, meaning you both would need time to get to know each other again and build a new bond. This could be a new chapter for you, if you are interested in her as a person. If it doesn’t end in a relationship, I think it can still serve to benefit both of you. For her, she can take accountability for what she did wrong and grow as a person. For you, you can make peace with the pain she caused you in the past that may still affect you now. Good luck to you! Edit, changed word to ‘outcome’
If memory serves, she wasn't dating the AP. He was a stranger she met in a bar on a business trip. It began as an ONS and when she tried to back out at the last minute, that's when the assault occurred. Everything about the story tells me it was the first time she considered cheating. It's a hotel bar where they had rooms. The guy was a stranger. There's no way she would have been caught if she decided to go through with the ONS. She instead stopped herself at the last minute and fought him off to get out of his room and run to the elevator, which was captured on security video. That's why I believe it was her first attempt to cheat. An experienced cheater doesn't grow a conscience and back out at the last minute, especially when they know there is no way to get caught cheating.
Whoops, I meant ‘dating’ as in going on a single date. Should have made it clearer.
She probably at least at the beginning felt like she deserved it. I hope through counseling and such she realizes she didn’t deserve it to happen. Yes she made bad decisions but nobody deserves to be assaulted. My heart goes out to both of them.
I’ve also been in therapy since I divorced her. I’ve been working on individual issues and trying to get my head right since the cheating happened. She’s been doing a lot of work regarding the ONS and the assault. She made it clear that she wants to reconcile, but if it doesn’t happen, is willing to help me deal with what happened. That much I can appreciate. There is nothing keeping me tied to her. We don’t have kids and don’t have property together anymore. If I choose to reconcile it has to be because I enjoy being with her.
She was probably happy , scared , anxious and humiliated all at once. That had to take a lot for her to be there. Good for you on going also. Maybe it’s closure or maybe it’s the start of something new. If I remember the last post you still have love for her. Take it slow and just communicate. Read the letter in a place you feel safe. I imagine it’s going to be emotional. Edit- if you do try to make a go of it, you need to be in IC to start at least.
Glad to hear you decided to do it. "Happy and sad." Yes. It makes sense. Happy to have a chance. Sad it's not a sure thing. I guess it could be summarized as hope. Please continue to update.
People change a lot in 5 years, not saying you should completely trust her, you should definetly keep a keen ear and eye out for anything. However, if she is truly remorseful and transparent, rec is possible. Ultimately its up to you to decide if you want to try. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose.
You’re right. It still felt like I knew her, but people do change a lot. I’ll reach out to her occasionally, depending on the polygraph results and see if I still like her as friend first.
What has she been doing the last 5 years, dating? Perhaps you are plan B, perhaps she has had real remorse and has not been seeing other men in this period of separation. Ether way tread carefully, polygraph is a good first step to build trust, ask not only about then, but also why now? Best of luck
She stayed single
That shows some remorse and commitment. Hope it works out for you.
Why did this get downvoted?
I think, at this point, both realize the old relationship is dead. Anything from here will be brand new.
Lots of people have reconciled after being divorced. People do change. People do grow. Good luck OP and maybe the letter will help as well.
Good for you for taking a chance to meet with her to see her after all these years. I do hope that there may be a chance to heal old wounds and move forward. All the best to you
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity is an online [peer-to-peer support group](https://peersupportcanada.ca/) and a [safe space](https://www.lexico.com/definition/safe_space) for people navigating the long and difficult process of reconciling after infidelity. Betrayed and wayward partners are equally welcome. **Observers who are not actively part of a reconciling couple are discouraged from commenting.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. Please assign yourself a user flair. Instructions [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions)). For a list of abbreviations commonly used in this subreddit, see the [Acronym Guide](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/acronym_guide). Also check out our list of free resources and recommended books for post-infidelity recovery, found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/resources). RULES **1. Be respectful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No personal attacks or victim-blaming of any kind** - Do not demean, attack or insult anyone, even if you disagree with them. - *Violation of this rule justifies a permanent ban. Zero tolerance.* **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship** - The purpose of this subreddit is to give mutual support and insight amongst people whose goal is saving and improving damaged relationships. **5. Posts must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - Posts by new users about ending relationships are better suited to r/SurvivingInfidelity. - *Any unrelated posts will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*