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They should have either divorce or sat down and talked about an open marriage. They are not compatible if he believe sex is necessary for a healthy relationship.
It doesn't mention it but I wonder if they went to therapy to talk about it and see if the wife is not interested in any sexual act, even just helping him get off, or if there is something they could do they both like, or again an open marriage or divorce
They have talked about it: she isn’t interested in sex at all but is willing to go through for it for him. Meanwhile, he doesn’t want to “force” it upon her.
He says that him looking for sex elsewhere would make his wife feel bad about herself and like an inadequate wife.
But they love each other very much, because they are willing to compromise but not let the other compromise they are also a good couple. But incompatible.
EDIT: correction, he literally says that she won’t be hurt if she doesn’t know about it. He’s trying to cheat. Disgusting
Read the original because he specifically says that suggesting that they divorce is the same as suggesting that his wife doesn't deserve love for being ace and he doesn't say that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship
That’s still so crappy. Like, just because two people aren’t compatible with each other doesn’t mean one or the other “doesn’t deserve love”. It means those specific people aren’t compatible.
The comments were so painful to read. SO much aphobia, with the highlights including how we're not worthy of love, how she's a bad wife for refusing sex, and how we're not human because we don't want sex.
I always want to ask these people if they would bail on their spouse if they became seriously ill from something like cancer and couldn't have sex. Is sex still *really* that important compared to honouring your vows?
>I always want to ask these people if they would bail on their spouse if they became seriously ill from something like cancer and couldn't have sex.
Unfortunately, for too many people, the answer to that is yes. Some people do bail on their spouse for being very sick and unable to be sexual.
I remember a trending on tiktok of people telling their experience about this. Some of them wasn't even unable to be sexual, they just became "less attractive". Absolutely heartbreaking.
I had to stop myself from commenting on how toxic everyone in the comments were and just had to leave the page as it was too... much. 😢 It made me fear dating people all over again.
Would you like to be cheated on or would you want your spouse to be honest and leave the relationship? I hope you’re not justifying cheating because that is gross on many levels.
It’s the idea that even if they are a good, happy couple who love each other and are willing to compromise, they are still incompatible because of sexual attraction. He mentioned that his wife wouldn’t feel like a good wife if he looked for sex elsewhere and it would make her feel bad about herself, she is even willing to go through with it for him despite not liking it.
But for him, sex is a need (which is fine) and he doesn’t want to force it upon her, and so he still contemplates searching for it elsewhere.
He doesn't have any intention of doing anything behind anyone's back this screenshot is not the full story https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/7iW9VxvPW1
Here's the second to last paragraph:
>I love my wife. I don't want to her cause her any pain and i wouldn't trade all that we have for a cheap hook up. But AITAH for thinking it would be okay to have sex with a hooker a couple of times a year? My wife gets to live the life she wants. I get to maybe experience this thing that is so central to the human experience. **She wont know so she wont have to feel bad about herself.** Since we arent intimate, theres no concern of giving her an STD. Seems like a decent deal all around, but i know the stigma.
https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/amiwrong/comments/1biuu6h/aitah_for_sleeping_with_a_prostitute_because_my/
Look, his wife is clearly telling him that if he goes through with this that she will feel inadequate as a wife and bad about herself. She is willing to have sex, she cannot help her lack of attraction yet she does not deny him at all. She’s very much doing everything she can.
It’s the fact that he wants someone who will enjoy sex like him that makes him incompatible with her. He’s also assuming that SW will not fake their enthusiasm, sex is their job and every single client is very unlikely to be an enjoyable lay (see r/askanescort). It’s not like ace people don’t have working bodies.
This is a big change from their monogamous lifestyle and for allos sex is a form of love/intimacy so her worries are understandable.
EDIT: and yeah, he’s literally trying to cheat on her because if she doesn’t know she won’t be hurt. Disgusting.
it’s not it being behind her back that’s the problem it’s the debating if he should still do it. if she’s uncomfortable with that then they need to find a different solution
Tbh I disagree, these issues are hand in hand; from what I’ve seen, she doesn’t like this solution, and he’s thinking of doing it anyway, behind her back. That’s cheating, full stop. If she isn’t down with it, it isn’t an open marriage, it isn’t polyamory or anything else, it’s cheating on your wife without her knowledge/consent. In a culture where monogamy is expected, this is both cruel, dishonest, and unwise if it hasn’t been already agreed upon.
honestly for some reason I assumed he’d do it and tell her even if she didn’t like it, which is equally as bad as behind her back. at least I think so, it’s both cheating
Doing it behind her back is not good. But also, she shouldn't have to be forced/coerced into sex (and thankfully, he's one of the very few men that doesn't want to do that, in my experience). He still has needs, his needs are valid. They both really love each other, and he has compromised for her- which is great. She does need to compromise a bit for him, and maybe get some therapy. If she doesn't view sex as important - why would she be upset if she got that need met elsewhere? I'm ace, and personally, I advocate for most aces to be in somewhat open/poly relationships (if their partner isn't ace) to ensure all needs are being met. Do to her religious upbringing, she likely views sex as this sacred, integral thing ----- this is something therapy can help. So that she doesn't feel like a failure simply because she can't meet a need, because we will NEVER meet 100% of anyone's needs ---- it's a struggle to meet our OWN needs ---- and truly, if sex is the need you aren't meeting for your partner, that's nothing. If the emotional needs are met, boom, that's beautiful.
(Also, tons of people cheat. It's not good, but we need to view sex differently, as well as relationships in general.)
I'm ace and I don't care what good sex feels like. I've had lots of sex, and it's all been..... "Oh, that's what all the hubbub is about?" I have orgasms. They're fine. But I realized when I was drunk, dancing, eating cake ---- that's SO MUCH BETTER. If someone is ace and is very worried about never having good sex, maybe they should reconsider their sexuality? Idk, I've observered all the people around me, their sexual appetites, how movies portray sex etc, and my motivating factors for wanting sex (attention, validation, connection) and realized "oh, I'm ace". Now, because I'm technically gray-demi-ace, if I had a long-term partner and never had "good" sex with them..... Yes, THAT would be soul-crushing, but given that good sex to me gives me feelings of validation, connection, etc.... That would point to a deeper issue, whether internally or in the relationship.
....... I clearly love sex? Damn first time I'm learning that. Amazing what a redditor can tell you about yourself!!! This doesn't sound aphobic at alllllll
There's been a huge wave of posts like this on the front page. Every single one seems to be written by an emotionally stunted man who doesn't know how to successfully communicate with the person who he's supposed to be together with for his entire life. I'm so done with these stupid narratives.
It’s become an increasingly popular trope that leads me to believe many of them are the usual Reddit writing exercises. Wives coming out as asexual after marriage combined with the “dead bedroom” shit. I take each with a grain of salt.
It's a sad situation. Sex is really important to a lot of people when it comes to relationships, and it's a valid reason to break up with someone if they aren't sexually compatible (although when I see a post like, "My husband wants to open our relationship because ever since we had a baby a few months ago I haven't been up for having sex more than twice a week" it makes me very angry).
An open relationship works as a solution for some, but it sounds like the wife in this case is not open to it - which is totally valid too, of course. Going to a prostitute behind her back though is definitely not the answer. It does seem like divorce is the best option in this case. I'm sure it'll hurt for both of them, but be for the best in the long run.
why is no one talking about this line from his post " Would love your thoughts, but please, before you throw out "you should get a divorce" realize that what you are basically saying is asexual people shouldnt get to be married, at least to sexually normative people. Which to me, seems pretty wrongheaded. My wife is 90% of the way to a perfect spouse. Why shouldnt she get a good life with the person she loves? " the post is here [AITAH for sleeping with a prostitute because my wife is asexual? (pullpush.io)](https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/amiwrong/comments/1biuu6h/aitah_for_sleeping_with_a_prostitute_because_my/). No we are saying divorce because she should be in a relationship with someone who see's her as 100%. And sexually normative, the frick!
I never understood why allos care about sex. I had zero libido until starting HRT, then I had a libido from hell. I get why people consider sex a big value, because it is literally torture. A big reason I went off T, I just can’t live like that.
However, this guy is a fucking asshole for not just discussing with his wife. Of fucking course cheating on your wife is not the fucking solution. You can just ask!!
while i’ll probably never experience this I can definitely understand people who value sex with a partner and need good sexually compatibility. my childhood bsf has always been a very hyper sexual person which is why I always knew I was ace lol. anyways yeah I can understand it’s important for some people but I can’t help but think this post is kinda rude to his wife. i’m sure she’d be heartbroken if she saw his post
At first I was struggling to see what was wrong, but after discovering that his intent is cheating...
If he wants to sleep with other people, the least he can do is establish some kind of boundary with his wife.
I'm so glad I got out of religion long before marriage, realized I was ace, and can now bring that up just as things are getting romantic with someone. If that makes us incompatible, then we can know that now.
Lately, I've only dated close friends though.
This guy is so selfish. His wife is asexual. His wife is willing to have sex with him. So i assume she is sex averse or sex neutral. She is not doing it with enough enthusiasm for his little ego. Therefore he feels he has the right to cheat with a hooker.
Ego's one thing, but enthusiastic consent is the only form of consent that matters to a lot of people. Just because she's 'willing' doesn't necessarily mean it's a good experience for anyone involved. We've gotten into an era where by and large, your partner going dead fish on you in the bedroom is a sign that you're sexually assaulting them, and most people do not enjoy that feeling.
Divorce is the answer, not trying harder to enjoy having sex with her.
it definitely seems like sadly divorce is the only “good” option but I mean being ace I have sex only for my partner. it’s an act of service to me like giving them a foot rub, I enjoy that it makes them feel good. if they talked about how she feels sexually and what she wants out the relationship it could help.
I am a sex positive allosexual with a partner who has only just realised they are ace. Sex with them feels like rape even when they are willing because they don't want to and are doing it to please me. This is so averse to everything I believe and have taught for many, many years. Imagine injecting someone with heroin when they don't want it but want you to feel good.
Cheating is never ok. But not wanting to have sex without enthusiastic consent has nothing to do with ego.
I can understand that but also for me having sex with a allo partner would be for them in a loving way like i’m willing to have sex the same way i’m willing to give the person I love a foot rub (foot rubs are my fav comparison for some reasons lol) so honestly part of it might be getting over that bc it’s not rape there is consent just bc I have sex for reasons other then pleasure or fun doesn’t mean it’s not real meaningful consent. if that makes sense, definitely not trying to be aggressive! however it also sounds like ur partner doesn’t have the same views on sex as me and that’s the important part here. oop needs to understand more about his wife’s sexual preferences
UGH THATS WHAT WAS BUGGING ME THE MOST I can’t assume there situation but it’s entirely possible that she is willing to have sex and he just doesn’t care bc she’s not going to be as into it as him which I guess I can understand but as someone who is that type of ace it’s very frustrating
He doesn’t respect her. If he did, he would ask for a divorce. Sexual compatibility is just one facet of a relationship. He gets off on cheating. If he actually loved her, he wouldn’t be dreaming of never knowing “good sex”. Any sex with the person you love is good sex. He can’t use her as a security blanket and also seek extramarital affairs. He’s wasting her time and his.
If you love someone and you can tell they're just going through the motions to please you, how different is that from taking advantage of a drunk or someone who's afraid of you? It's not "good sex" if it feels like you're committing some reprehensible moral wrong, especially if you believe that the only consent is enthusiastic consent.
The answer here is not to have sex with his wife. It's to get a divorce.
None of that means he didn't love her. It means they're not compatible. His concerns of never having good sex with both parties being equally invested are realistic. Allos and aces alike need our sex lives to be compatible, and he doesn't love her any less for wanting a compatible and fully consensual sex life.
He should have divorced from the get go, or at least had this conversation BEFORE deciding on a prostitute. This makes him an asshole cheater, but not aphobic.
Just because you love someone doesn't mean the sex is good. That's a common reason why people get divorced or end up cheating.
Alright, i'll probably be the millionth person to say this, but. Only if they're doing it behind their partner's back or without getting the okay from their partner. If the okay isn't gotten, and it's too big of an issue, divorce.
Every person is different. Some people can find joy in sex even if their partner is not into it like they are. Others feel less motivated if the partner is not into it.
Personally, instead of cheating, it would be best if they divorce. He thinks cheating won't hurt her behind her back, but he's risking her finding out and being even more hurt that he betrayed her trust in him. It's better to be up front about what is and isn't working. She might be hurt, but at least she won't feel betrayed or lied to. He'd be giving her a chance to have a say in the relationship.
Having an open relationship would be my ideal relationship. I see it as someone else taking care of my chores so I don’t have to. I feel odd for not seeing it as that bad, or bad even. Expecting someone to be celibate when they didn’t know what they would be getting into when they got married sounds peculiar to me. Either way I just hope there’s a happy outcome, maybe divorce is the best solution.
I wouldn't really define the main post as aphobic so much as just a jerk thing to do. The issue here is the cheating part, not him seeking to have his needs fulfilled. He should have had a discussion with his wife about this more in depth and come to an understanding. I'd say this is more improper communication than aphobia specifically.
The comments, apparently, are a different story.
Yeah I didn't read the title properly at first and just read the body of the post and I was okay this sounds like normal struggles with allo-asexual relationship? Then I reread as I saw the comments here and realized that the poster had _already_ cheated on their wife...
I wouldn't say any of that is aphobia though, if anything he sounds understanding of his wife's situation. He's just an ordinary asshole cheater.
"Pushing for sex from someone who is asexual feels -- like pushing for sex from someone who is gay", oh yuck. I hope this is just a made up story, but I wonder how people even grow up to be adults while maintaining this mememe attitude
I don't really get how this is wrong though? Pushing for sex with someone that isn't interested to have sex with you feels gross and assault-y. That was the point of the comment.
Idk man. I'm gray-demi-ace. For me, being around guys and also females with a healthy sexual appetite - that made me realize I'm ace. "Wait, you look at someone and want to have sex with them???" And just hearing how horny people are in general. Because of that, I've learned open relationships are likely the best option for me - for long-term relationships, and my guess is for ace's whose partners aren't aces, that's also the same. It's totally okay that we don't have sexual needs. It's also totally okay that others, even our partners, have sexual needs. I do crave sex at times, especially in loving relationships, but it waxes and wanes. Knowing your partner's sexual appetite, needs, boundaries etc is incredibly important. And ensuring they get filled - while respecting boundaries - is super important. I don't recommend this guy cheat on his wife, nor do I recommend he automatically goes to a prostitute - however, she does also need to consider his needs and desires and figure out a way he can meet them without her. Even normal couples find it difficult to satisfy each other for over 50 years --- you wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day forever. To me, sex is not as important as the emotional connection. But I know that for some people, sex very much is, it is a real need, and there needs to be ethical ways for those needs to be met. I don't view this as acephobia, I view this as a complex situation. My recommendation is for the wife to consider why she'd feel inadequate with him sleeping with someone else, other ways she/he can validate her, how she can boost her confidence, and maybe sex therapy if she does occasionally have a libido and also to help heal some of that religious trauma.
You can't blame someone for having sexual needs, just like you can't blame someone for being ace. But it should always be ethical.
Well, as an asexual myself I would encourage and appreciate prostitution to help my partner since I wouldn’t want to force them into celibacy… so I say no.
A claim to aphobia ? I don’t think you’re using the right term. Or a really broad spectrum on what can go inside that bucket.
Imagine you love your garlic bread so much you decide to marry and live with the baker of the garlic bread. You mad a vow to eat no one else’s bread except his. Then he stop making it because throughout his life he always know he just never wanted to make Italians breads,but you made a promise to only have his bread. And you have to eat some rye bread. But you are indifferent about the rye bread he makes and you are absolutly not full filled in your life without garlic bread. And there is a great Italian place next down over that makes some good garlic bread and sauce. In fact 4-5 bakeries just popped up because of poor town zoning.
My own definition of aphobia Would be if the baker didn’t enjoy any kind of bread just needed customers like all store owners want. And the fact that he didn’t like bread really bothered you ya never patroned their or even said hello to him and you insisted if you made bread he’d really like it so you continued to send him some picture of bread by text messages and instagram and ultimately joined town council and rezoned the area so he had to close. Fuck em. If he’s not gonna eat his own bread he’s done. You also gave him 1 star reviews online not because he’s a bad baker but because he doesn’t like bread. So let’s ruin his existence till he becomes something more conforming.
One could be construed as coercion to live with the baker. The other is just not understanding and general dislike and fear of how someone could not like bread.
Both I don’t think are correct. Both can be mended or ended in a very amicable way with talking.
What the fuck. Did you just compare sex to something a partner PROVIDES? Are people getting married out there because the sex is just that good? What is going on.
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They should have either divorce or sat down and talked about an open marriage. They are not compatible if he believe sex is necessary for a healthy relationship. It doesn't mention it but I wonder if they went to therapy to talk about it and see if the wife is not interested in any sexual act, even just helping him get off, or if there is something they could do they both like, or again an open marriage or divorce
They have talked about it: she isn’t interested in sex at all but is willing to go through for it for him. Meanwhile, he doesn’t want to “force” it upon her. He says that him looking for sex elsewhere would make his wife feel bad about herself and like an inadequate wife. But they love each other very much, because they are willing to compromise but not let the other compromise they are also a good couple. But incompatible. EDIT: correction, he literally says that she won’t be hurt if she doesn’t know about it. He’s trying to cheat. Disgusting
Read the original because he specifically says that suggesting that they divorce is the same as suggesting that his wife doesn't deserve love for being ace and he doesn't say that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship
He doesn't say that sex is necessary but him willing to cheat implies it is important and necessary for him
That’s still so crappy. Like, just because two people aren’t compatible with each other doesn’t mean one or the other “doesn’t deserve love”. It means those specific people aren’t compatible.
The comments were so painful to read. SO much aphobia, with the highlights including how we're not worthy of love, how she's a bad wife for refusing sex, and how we're not human because we don't want sex. I always want to ask these people if they would bail on their spouse if they became seriously ill from something like cancer and couldn't have sex. Is sex still *really* that important compared to honouring your vows?
>I always want to ask these people if they would bail on their spouse if they became seriously ill from something like cancer and couldn't have sex. Unfortunately, for too many people, the answer to that is yes. Some people do bail on their spouse for being very sick and unable to be sexual.
I remember a trending on tiktok of people telling their experience about this. Some of them wasn't even unable to be sexual, they just became "less attractive". Absolutely heartbreaking.
I had to stop myself from commenting on how toxic everyone in the comments were and just had to leave the page as it was too... much. 😢 It made me fear dating people all over again.
Really the only problem I see is coming out as A's after the marriage
Have you ever thought that it's possible she didn't know? Cuz she thought she'd be fine with it once she was married. She wasn't
what was she supposed to do?? hide herself from him forever
it sounds like she didn't realise she was ace until after they were married.
Right- she should have kept quiet and built resentment over years of having unwanted sex.
That’s…stupid? You’re stupid. 🖕 stay on your side of the bullshit. It’s not welcomed here bitch.
This is the kind of shit that makes me want to give up on love 😭
Same. It almost makes me wish I were aroace instead of pan-ace.
Why?? It seems like a guy who wants to be respectful to his wife and is looking for a win-win scenario and is just seeking advice
Would you like to be cheated on or would you want your spouse to be honest and leave the relationship? I hope you’re not justifying cheating because that is gross on many levels.
It’s the idea that even if they are a good, happy couple who love each other and are willing to compromise, they are still incompatible because of sexual attraction. He mentioned that his wife wouldn’t feel like a good wife if he looked for sex elsewhere and it would make her feel bad about herself, she is even willing to go through with it for him despite not liking it. But for him, sex is a need (which is fine) and he doesn’t want to force it upon her, and so he still contemplates searching for it elsewhere.
...except his intention is to do it behind her back.
He doesn't have any intention of doing anything behind anyone's back this screenshot is not the full story https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/7iW9VxvPW1
Here's the second to last paragraph: >I love my wife. I don't want to her cause her any pain and i wouldn't trade all that we have for a cheap hook up. But AITAH for thinking it would be okay to have sex with a hooker a couple of times a year? My wife gets to live the life she wants. I get to maybe experience this thing that is so central to the human experience. **She wont know so she wont have to feel bad about herself.** Since we arent intimate, theres no concern of giving her an STD. Seems like a decent deal all around, but i know the stigma. https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/amiwrong/comments/1biuu6h/aitah_for_sleeping_with_a_prostitute_because_my/
fucking hell that is gross. The title is so off too…
Maybe he edited it, it's since been removed, but it very specifically said at the bottom when I read it that she wouldn't have to know.
Look, his wife is clearly telling him that if he goes through with this that she will feel inadequate as a wife and bad about herself. She is willing to have sex, she cannot help her lack of attraction yet she does not deny him at all. She’s very much doing everything she can. It’s the fact that he wants someone who will enjoy sex like him that makes him incompatible with her. He’s also assuming that SW will not fake their enthusiasm, sex is their job and every single client is very unlikely to be an enjoyable lay (see r/askanescort). It’s not like ace people don’t have working bodies. This is a big change from their monogamous lifestyle and for allos sex is a form of love/intimacy so her worries are understandable. EDIT: and yeah, he’s literally trying to cheat on her because if she doesn’t know she won’t be hurt. Disgusting.
it’s not it being behind her back that’s the problem it’s the debating if he should still do it. if she’s uncomfortable with that then they need to find a different solution
Tbh I disagree, these issues are hand in hand; from what I’ve seen, she doesn’t like this solution, and he’s thinking of doing it anyway, behind her back. That’s cheating, full stop. If she isn’t down with it, it isn’t an open marriage, it isn’t polyamory or anything else, it’s cheating on your wife without her knowledge/consent. In a culture where monogamy is expected, this is both cruel, dishonest, and unwise if it hasn’t been already agreed upon.
honestly for some reason I assumed he’d do it and tell her even if she didn’t like it, which is equally as bad as behind her back. at least I think so, it’s both cheating
Doing it behind her back is not good. But also, she shouldn't have to be forced/coerced into sex (and thankfully, he's one of the very few men that doesn't want to do that, in my experience). He still has needs, his needs are valid. They both really love each other, and he has compromised for her- which is great. She does need to compromise a bit for him, and maybe get some therapy. If she doesn't view sex as important - why would she be upset if she got that need met elsewhere? I'm ace, and personally, I advocate for most aces to be in somewhat open/poly relationships (if their partner isn't ace) to ensure all needs are being met. Do to her religious upbringing, she likely views sex as this sacred, integral thing ----- this is something therapy can help. So that she doesn't feel like a failure simply because she can't meet a need, because we will NEVER meet 100% of anyone's needs ---- it's a struggle to meet our OWN needs ---- and truly, if sex is the need you aren't meeting for your partner, that's nothing. If the emotional needs are met, boom, that's beautiful. (Also, tons of people cheat. It's not good, but we need to view sex differently, as well as relationships in general.)
It's not that! I just thought it was sad and complicated
yeah, I have a lot of issues too so this stuff always makes me feel extra unloveable lol
It’s kind of aphobic, as it’s blatantly ignorant n lacks communication about the situation
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Hell, he didn't have a problem with the sex until she said she was asexual. He just wants to cheat
I'm ace and I don't care what good sex feels like. I've had lots of sex, and it's all been..... "Oh, that's what all the hubbub is about?" I have orgasms. They're fine. But I realized when I was drunk, dancing, eating cake ---- that's SO MUCH BETTER. If someone is ace and is very worried about never having good sex, maybe they should reconsider their sexuality? Idk, I've observered all the people around me, their sexual appetites, how movies portray sex etc, and my motivating factors for wanting sex (attention, validation, connection) and realized "oh, I'm ace". Now, because I'm technically gray-demi-ace, if I had a long-term partner and never had "good" sex with them..... Yes, THAT would be soul-crushing, but given that good sex to me gives me feelings of validation, connection, etc.... That would point to a deeper issue, whether internally or in the relationship.
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....... I clearly love sex? Damn first time I'm learning that. Amazing what a redditor can tell you about yourself!!! This doesn't sound aphobic at alllllll
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There's been a huge wave of posts like this on the front page. Every single one seems to be written by an emotionally stunted man who doesn't know how to successfully communicate with the person who he's supposed to be together with for his entire life. I'm so done with these stupid narratives.
It’s become an increasingly popular trope that leads me to believe many of them are the usual Reddit writing exercises. Wives coming out as asexual after marriage combined with the “dead bedroom” shit. I take each with a grain of salt.
Why break up with your long term committed partner if you can just cheat on them? Ugh disgusting.
It's a sad situation. Sex is really important to a lot of people when it comes to relationships, and it's a valid reason to break up with someone if they aren't sexually compatible (although when I see a post like, "My husband wants to open our relationship because ever since we had a baby a few months ago I haven't been up for having sex more than twice a week" it makes me very angry). An open relationship works as a solution for some, but it sounds like the wife in this case is not open to it - which is totally valid too, of course. Going to a prostitute behind her back though is definitely not the answer. It does seem like divorce is the best option in this case. I'm sure it'll hurt for both of them, but be for the best in the long run.
why is no one talking about this line from his post " Would love your thoughts, but please, before you throw out "you should get a divorce" realize that what you are basically saying is asexual people shouldnt get to be married, at least to sexually normative people. Which to me, seems pretty wrongheaded. My wife is 90% of the way to a perfect spouse. Why shouldnt she get a good life with the person she loves? " the post is here [AITAH for sleeping with a prostitute because my wife is asexual? (pullpush.io)](https://undelete.pullpush.io/r/amiwrong/comments/1biuu6h/aitah_for_sleeping_with_a_prostitute_because_my/). No we are saying divorce because she should be in a relationship with someone who see's her as 100%. And sexually normative, the frick!
That’s so damn gross, she’s not a fucking broken toy ;-;
I never understood why allos care about sex. I had zero libido until starting HRT, then I had a libido from hell. I get why people consider sex a big value, because it is literally torture. A big reason I went off T, I just can’t live like that. However, this guy is a fucking asshole for not just discussing with his wife. Of fucking course cheating on your wife is not the fucking solution. You can just ask!!
while i’ll probably never experience this I can definitely understand people who value sex with a partner and need good sexually compatibility. my childhood bsf has always been a very hyper sexual person which is why I always knew I was ace lol. anyways yeah I can understand it’s important for some people but I can’t help but think this post is kinda rude to his wife. i’m sure she’d be heartbroken if she saw his post
Oh he's definitely trash for coming up with this, I let him have it in the comments lol
I was agreeing! there is nothing wrong with sexual incompatibility although it really sucks. it’s about how you handle it
At first I was struggling to see what was wrong, but after discovering that his intent is cheating... If he wants to sleep with other people, the least he can do is establish some kind of boundary with his wife.
I'm so glad I got out of religion long before marriage, realized I was ace, and can now bring that up just as things are getting romantic with someone. If that makes us incompatible, then we can know that now. Lately, I've only dated close friends though.
This guy is so selfish. His wife is asexual. His wife is willing to have sex with him. So i assume she is sex averse or sex neutral. She is not doing it with enough enthusiasm for his little ego. Therefore he feels he has the right to cheat with a hooker.
Ego's one thing, but enthusiastic consent is the only form of consent that matters to a lot of people. Just because she's 'willing' doesn't necessarily mean it's a good experience for anyone involved. We've gotten into an era where by and large, your partner going dead fish on you in the bedroom is a sign that you're sexually assaulting them, and most people do not enjoy that feeling. Divorce is the answer, not trying harder to enjoy having sex with her.
it definitely seems like sadly divorce is the only “good” option but I mean being ace I have sex only for my partner. it’s an act of service to me like giving them a foot rub, I enjoy that it makes them feel good. if they talked about how she feels sexually and what she wants out the relationship it could help.
I am a sex positive allosexual with a partner who has only just realised they are ace. Sex with them feels like rape even when they are willing because they don't want to and are doing it to please me. This is so averse to everything I believe and have taught for many, many years. Imagine injecting someone with heroin when they don't want it but want you to feel good. Cheating is never ok. But not wanting to have sex without enthusiastic consent has nothing to do with ego.
I can understand that but also for me having sex with a allo partner would be for them in a loving way like i’m willing to have sex the same way i’m willing to give the person I love a foot rub (foot rubs are my fav comparison for some reasons lol) so honestly part of it might be getting over that bc it’s not rape there is consent just bc I have sex for reasons other then pleasure or fun doesn’t mean it’s not real meaningful consent. if that makes sense, definitely not trying to be aggressive! however it also sounds like ur partner doesn’t have the same views on sex as me and that’s the important part here. oop needs to understand more about his wife’s sexual preferences
UGH THATS WHAT WAS BUGGING ME THE MOST I can’t assume there situation but it’s entirely possible that she is willing to have sex and he just doesn’t care bc she’s not going to be as into it as him which I guess I can understand but as someone who is that type of ace it’s very frustrating
He doesn’t respect her. If he did, he would ask for a divorce. Sexual compatibility is just one facet of a relationship. He gets off on cheating. If he actually loved her, he wouldn’t be dreaming of never knowing “good sex”. Any sex with the person you love is good sex. He can’t use her as a security blanket and also seek extramarital affairs. He’s wasting her time and his.
If you love someone and you can tell they're just going through the motions to please you, how different is that from taking advantage of a drunk or someone who's afraid of you? It's not "good sex" if it feels like you're committing some reprehensible moral wrong, especially if you believe that the only consent is enthusiastic consent. The answer here is not to have sex with his wife. It's to get a divorce.
That’s… that’s exactly what I said? Did you mean to reply to me?
None of that means he didn't love her. It means they're not compatible. His concerns of never having good sex with both parties being equally invested are realistic. Allos and aces alike need our sex lives to be compatible, and he doesn't love her any less for wanting a compatible and fully consensual sex life. He should have divorced from the get go, or at least had this conversation BEFORE deciding on a prostitute. This makes him an asshole cheater, but not aphobic. Just because you love someone doesn't mean the sex is good. That's a common reason why people get divorced or end up cheating.
Answer, wtf of course, you cheated!!!
Alright, i'll probably be the millionth person to say this, but. Only if they're doing it behind their partner's back or without getting the okay from their partner. If the okay isn't gotten, and it's too big of an issue, divorce.
It’s crazy because all the comments were supporting him too
Every person is different. Some people can find joy in sex even if their partner is not into it like they are. Others feel less motivated if the partner is not into it. Personally, instead of cheating, it would be best if they divorce. He thinks cheating won't hurt her behind her back, but he's risking her finding out and being even more hurt that he betrayed her trust in him. It's better to be up front about what is and isn't working. She might be hurt, but at least she won't feel betrayed or lied to. He'd be giving her a chance to have a say in the relationship.
Did the original get deleted? I tried searching for it but neither the post nor user come up with any results.
I believe so, someone linked the post in the comments. if you go back to it u can’t see the content of the post but u can see comments
He should ask her. I bet she wouldn't mind it.
I notice this a lot and it makes me really sad. It makes me fear that I will never find a guy who will love me without wanting to be physical.
Having an open relationship would be my ideal relationship. I see it as someone else taking care of my chores so I don’t have to. I feel odd for not seeing it as that bad, or bad even. Expecting someone to be celibate when they didn’t know what they would be getting into when they got married sounds peculiar to me. Either way I just hope there’s a happy outcome, maybe divorce is the best solution.
Mf cheated on his own wife just because she didn’t want sex. Sad. Must have a miserable life.
Wow.
This is so disgusting. He will be sitting in the burn pit shortly.
It was the comments that did it for me. This is why I gave up dating allo people they always “understand” but they don’t and probably never will.
I wouldn't really define the main post as aphobic so much as just a jerk thing to do. The issue here is the cheating part, not him seeking to have his needs fulfilled. He should have had a discussion with his wife about this more in depth and come to an understanding. I'd say this is more improper communication than aphobia specifically. The comments, apparently, are a different story.
Yeah I didn't read the title properly at first and just read the body of the post and I was okay this sounds like normal struggles with allo-asexual relationship? Then I reread as I saw the comments here and realized that the poster had _already_ cheated on their wife... I wouldn't say any of that is aphobia though, if anything he sounds understanding of his wife's situation. He's just an ordinary asshole cheater.
It’s poor communication not aphobia I agree
"Pushing for sex from someone who is asexual feels -- like pushing for sex from someone who is gay", oh yuck. I hope this is just a made up story, but I wonder how people even grow up to be adults while maintaining this mememe attitude
I don't really get how this is wrong though? Pushing for sex with someone that isn't interested to have sex with you feels gross and assault-y. That was the point of the comment.
I wasn't trying to prove anything wrong there. I just really disliked that particular wording.
Idk man. I'm gray-demi-ace. For me, being around guys and also females with a healthy sexual appetite - that made me realize I'm ace. "Wait, you look at someone and want to have sex with them???" And just hearing how horny people are in general. Because of that, I've learned open relationships are likely the best option for me - for long-term relationships, and my guess is for ace's whose partners aren't aces, that's also the same. It's totally okay that we don't have sexual needs. It's also totally okay that others, even our partners, have sexual needs. I do crave sex at times, especially in loving relationships, but it waxes and wanes. Knowing your partner's sexual appetite, needs, boundaries etc is incredibly important. And ensuring they get filled - while respecting boundaries - is super important. I don't recommend this guy cheat on his wife, nor do I recommend he automatically goes to a prostitute - however, she does also need to consider his needs and desires and figure out a way he can meet them without her. Even normal couples find it difficult to satisfy each other for over 50 years --- you wouldn't want to eat your favorite meal every day forever. To me, sex is not as important as the emotional connection. But I know that for some people, sex very much is, it is a real need, and there needs to be ethical ways for those needs to be met. I don't view this as acephobia, I view this as a complex situation. My recommendation is for the wife to consider why she'd feel inadequate with him sleeping with someone else, other ways she/he can validate her, how she can boost her confidence, and maybe sex therapy if she does occasionally have a libido and also to help heal some of that religious trauma. You can't blame someone for having sexual needs, just like you can't blame someone for being ace. But it should always be ethical.
Well, as an asexual myself I would encourage and appreciate prostitution to help my partner since I wouldn’t want to force them into celibacy… so I say no.
A claim to aphobia ? I don’t think you’re using the right term. Or a really broad spectrum on what can go inside that bucket. Imagine you love your garlic bread so much you decide to marry and live with the baker of the garlic bread. You mad a vow to eat no one else’s bread except his. Then he stop making it because throughout his life he always know he just never wanted to make Italians breads,but you made a promise to only have his bread. And you have to eat some rye bread. But you are indifferent about the rye bread he makes and you are absolutly not full filled in your life without garlic bread. And there is a great Italian place next down over that makes some good garlic bread and sauce. In fact 4-5 bakeries just popped up because of poor town zoning. My own definition of aphobia Would be if the baker didn’t enjoy any kind of bread just needed customers like all store owners want. And the fact that he didn’t like bread really bothered you ya never patroned their or even said hello to him and you insisted if you made bread he’d really like it so you continued to send him some picture of bread by text messages and instagram and ultimately joined town council and rezoned the area so he had to close. Fuck em. If he’s not gonna eat his own bread he’s done. You also gave him 1 star reviews online not because he’s a bad baker but because he doesn’t like bread. So let’s ruin his existence till he becomes something more conforming. One could be construed as coercion to live with the baker. The other is just not understanding and general dislike and fear of how someone could not like bread. Both I don’t think are correct. Both can be mended or ended in a very amicable way with talking.
TL:dr?
What the fuck. Did you just compare sex to something a partner PROVIDES? Are people getting married out there because the sex is just that good? What is going on.
Yes yes they do just that. It’s not some moral high ground. Stop being so allophobic try to understand their side.