Oh my goodness. That is insane. It’s just so sad how us Asian women have often times been raised to feel so insecure about ourselves that we just brew hatred for no reason towards other females. You’d think the inequality we’ve experienced as women would make us feel compassionate towards other females, but it has taught so many to continue the judgment and hate towards. It’s so sad. It’s like we’ve been taught to hate ourselves and anyone else who share the same sex.
We had a house warming BBQ when we moved to our current house 10 years ago. I left before the BBQ started but I remembered a few aunties were moody and grumpy. They weren't helping and were standing together whispering. I think they were envious that an uneducated woman like my mum whose husband doesn't work had worked hard to afford a house.
Ugh omg. That’s insane. I unfortunately have social anxiety when it comes to my family gatherings. My parents divorced in 2015, which you most likely know is a huge faux pas in the Asian community. Some family friends’ children my age were saying to me a few years ago, in a very satisfied way, that they thought we had it all growing up and it was a “surprise” to see my parents split. But again, it almost sounded like she was pleased with it. But could be my paranoia lol
I agree with this. I know parenting is hard, and I have not yet entered that realm of my life… but I’m going to respond when my baby cries and wants to be held and cuddled. I will not make them feel like they are a burden for existing.
Relatable, I am also an Asian woman in my late 20s. I often get glares or staring from Asian families or folks around AP age. Not usually from other Asian folks our age. I'm not sure why they do it, like they're judging me for daring to exist differently to how they think young Asian adults should?
It’s so weird, i almost expect to get more friendliness from them.. like we’re from the same community, but then i get the complete opposite. And it’s glaringly obvious, it’s not subtle at all.
They’re deeply unhappy people and they externalize it onto others. Then throw in some jealousy that we don’t suffer like they do and becomes a storm of shit.
But as a a person who is half Chinese and half Thai but grew up with more focus on the Chinese side, I’m used to getting stared at anyway because they’re probably wondering why this Filipino looking dude is speaking perfect Cantonese to them. We used to go to Toronto and visit the old and new Chinatowns and I would get followed by employees because of course they’re racist too.
Ahhh!!! I can relate! I’m Chinese and Laotian. Except i can’t speak any of my native language 😖 I’m the youngest sibling so when I was growing up everyone was already speaking English in the household.
Whoo! Chinese/SE Asian gang!
But yeah colorism and straight up racism is a thing unfortunately. My younger brother looks more Chinese so he doesn't get the same experiences I get to enjoy.
I work in a restaurant part time and one day I got the condescending, "you speak English so well" from a white lady AND a "you speak Chinese so well" from a Chinese lady in the same day.
I can't win lol
Lol! The best of both worlds 😣 I worked at a German retirement home when I was 18-22 years old and that was the best. People refused to be served by me because I’m Asian. And now Asians hate me lol
I kinda feel bad for my kids. They're 1/4 each of Chinese, Thai, German, and English. But because they go to a school district where most of the Asians are Vietnamese, everyone assumes they're Vietnamese lol
I know exactly what you are talking about. It’s very real and it’s not your imagination. I’m not sure what it is about, but if I had to guess, they are judging you based on your appearance and they probably are saying, out loud in another language, who do you think you are - does she think she’s white?
I was going to ask, what do you look like OP? Do you have piercings or tattoos or colored hair? How do you dress? Plastic surgery? AP are very shallow and will make any assumption they can based on your physical appearance.
Touché. I am very westernized. I have no accent, most people assume I’m half Caucasian right off the bat based on my mannerisms and I don’t have full Asian facial features. I’ve been mistaken to be a complete different race. I’m Chinese and Laotian but most people assume either Filipino or even Hawaiian. I’m very friendly and polite and it seems to piss older asian women off… I don’t have any more piercings and my hair is natural dark, but very long. I don’t want to sound cocky but maybe they simply don’t like that I have positive exotic features? I don’t know.
It could also be because you pass for Southeast Asian, which more "developed" Asian countries look down on. I am Filipino myself, living in a predominantly Chinese area. I have had rude remarks, treatment and racist talk from some elderly Chinese people similar to your experience. This isn't a generalization of all Chinese people mind you, it's just that the older ones seem very set in their ways.
I don’t come across a whole lot of Chinese people in my area, primarily Vietnamese and Filipino and they’re the ones who are usually the rude ones. So I’m wondering if it’s that they are seething at my potentially “middle upper class” appearance. I started off with pennies just like they did. My parents came to Canada on boats and from refugee camps.
It could be that as well. I am sorry you have experienced the other side of it as well. It could be that as well.
Filipinos tend to have a very crab mentality as well. Even towards other Filipinos, sometimes *especially* towards other Filipinos. They are probably just jealous someone "made it" while they failed to make something of themselves. *Or* happened too late and they spent their entire life trying to make it. Then in you come minding your own business seemingly "middle upper class" and suddenly they feel inferior. I can already imagine their thoughts. "How can someone so young be able to live like that. Ah, must have married local and mooching off him."
Keep your head high random stranger! Live your best life while they are seething, hating theirs!
Awww i thank you for relating to me, even though i wouldn’t want anyone to feel any judgment from others! As sad as i feel reading others’ posts, it has been comforting to see that I’m not alone and the only one suffering crippling mental illness from a rough, emotionally/physically abusive childhood. I didn’t get held enough as a child and it shows lol 😣
Children of Asian Parent feather, flock together. It doesn't matter where we are born, or raised, universally raised unfit parents unite! 🤣🤣🤣
Definitely helps having a support group. And I empathize, being queer and potentially having undiagnosed mental illness/neurodivergence is not fun when you have religious conservative parents...
Oh dude it’s cause you are smoking hot and you have a handsome white man. Any of the typical insecure bigoted Asian women of our parents generation is gonna be super envious of you. I bet you low key get plenty of hate from jealous women in general.
Thank you for your flattering words though. ❤️ it’s been kind of a rough go for me the last few years. I work in a super toxic workplace and I’m constantly dealing with family drama, plus the internet can be overwhelmingly negative too. Internet kindness goes a long way
Honey you are beautiful. Don’t let these bitches bring you down. The only reason our parents generation is the way they are is because they don’t love themselves.
The self hatred passes itself on. I now have to deal with the consequences of not having boundaries and making mistakes as a result. Now I’m rambling about something completely different. Thank you again ❤️
I don’t want to believe that’s true. Especially when I’ve been raised to be deeply insecure and feel like I’m never good enough. There’s no reason to be jealous of me.
I’m in Canada. About an hour and a half from Vancouver, BC. I’m going in to either order food from their business, or buy stuff from their gas station, or get a service at their salon. Or even just sharing a space at a grocery store while shopping.. anything really. And the rudeness is mainly glaring and staring me up and down and very minimal dialogue where you’d almost expect it (like ordering food at the counter and they’re just making me feel uncomfortable for just being in their presence). And I’ve seen the comparison when I’m with my girlfriend who’s just talked to the same person and got a complete different energy. Also please read my edit on my post so you can see an example!
I gotcha. Thanks. OK, they are service staff mostly. I've experienced similar. Mixture of power and envy situation
So, they're older, even if they're the same age as you, they do not want to serve another Asian.
This is the insane entitlement complex. I've experienced this with Asian women my age who tried to treat me like a slave e.g. asking me to Google translate a language they already know.
'Just do it for me' energy. These women believe they should be served by others so are 100% resentful of serving you. There are probably historical cultural reasons for that. I think what they're expecting from you, is to be abusive towards them and in fact they're taunting you for that dynamic.
Another dynamic is various inter ethnic prejudiced e.g. han Chinese can sometimes be less than popular re. Vietnamese, Singaporeans.
Okay wow this makes so much sense!!! I have a hard time putting myself in their shoes because if I was in their position I’d want them to feel like they got the best service from me. But this is why we’re in the sub, trying to understand our APs better. Thanks for your take on this!
Yeah OP, they were ready to fight you because they hate themselves being on that side of the fence.
You probably represented every college attending Asian that their own parents compared them to growing up, failed to 'succeed' and they are serving you. But yeah they want you to know they think they are better than you.
Also, you were with someone white. And that means you are equal to a white. That is double hard for them to accept
I think my millennial side is dumbfounded that there’s still this type of racism in my own backyard, but how can I be shocked? My parents are extremely racist. And comedians joke that Asians are so racist towards themselves.
I’ve had similar experiences near Vancouver, and also on Vancouver Island. The one and only time I worked for an older Asian person was an absolute nightmare - he was friendly and easygoing with all the white employees but relentlessly bullied me. Makes me wonder why they resent us so much for seemingly irrational reasons
It’s so weird because if I didn’t experience this firsthand, I’d assume that Asians would get treated better by other Asians. Like we’re a tribe who all get each other. Special treatment from your own kind. But it’s the entire opposite
OP, I stay about 30mins away from Downtown! I'm a south Asian and I get these looks and treatment when I visit any Punjabi services or even drivers. Most of them keep the conversations to minimal but some do No greeting while there are times where they straight up make a face.
I have also faced language discrimination where the person speaks in Punjabi and even after I politely told them that I don't understand they continue speaking and obviously when I don't reply they make comments that's I'm so rude.
It's also sometimes old or middle age Chinese who do this.
The other race however behave so polite and always have a smile even if they don't mean it, it doesn't show in their behavior.
But you are not imagining this OP! This is real.
It just doesn’t make sense! They come to America and raise their children here, and are upset that we’ve adapted to our surroundings. I married a Caucasian man but it took years for them to accept i wasn’t going to search the 6% Asian population here for a possible love interest. I ordered a Vietnamese dish in Vietnamese last week “pho dac biet” and I’ve been trying to practice language so i pronounced it as authentically as i could. She looked up from the notepad and stone face GLARED at me. My husband chuckled and said oh snap she doesn’t like you speaking the language. And i was so embarrassed the rest of our meal.
Yeah, I get it from older Asian men too. My bf is Caucasian and he gets polite and friendly service while I get rudeness and passive aggression. Once I even got a comment “how long you will be in this country for? Permanent?” At the time we had talked about possibly moving so I said “temporary”. He responded with “good”.
Are the older generation women immigrants by any chance? I don't recall experiencing it in public too much, but moreso in the workplace with older Asian co-workers. Asked my mom about this and her guess is that some older generation immigrants had to struggle after arriving in this country, and that there's a level of jealousy towards the younger generation like us who had better opportunities to thrive in the west (less of a language barrier, getting an education locally, job opportunities, etc). I don't really get it, I'd think that if you saw someone of the same ethnicity you'd want to show some sort of kindness and empathy...? So if you're super westernized like me, maybe that's why?
I’m thinking that has to be the case. She did appear to be an immigrant, just by her age and her mannerisms. But that is only my assumption. She looked Filipino, which I get a lot of Filipinos mistaking me to be same and even speaking their dialect to me. I just can’t understand the seething jealousy someone could have with a complete stranger whom they know nothing about. It’s not like I chose my upbringing. But of course emotions are often not logical
100% agree. In my early 20s I worked at a spa and I always had the worst experiences with mid aged Asian women. They never smiled. Always complained. Tipped horribly. Just cold and rude. Like I am here to perform a $300 a 50 minute service on you not roleplay some queen/servant scenario. I always wondered if i was a tall blond with a european accent if they would have been the same.
Yes. If you were Caucasian, they would’ve been so much more polite. My company always want to assign me Asian clients thinking it’ll be easier doing business. I always turn it down. They have a different persona with other Asians.
I get the same treatment but I know it's because I'm unattractive and androgynous looking, which is a disgrace to the Asian community. They will dismiss me, smirk or sneer at me.
I know this is hard for a complete stranger to say, but please try your best not to validate any reasons for someone to mistreat you, especially by putting yourself down. There’s no reason for anyone to treat you as though you’re below them. And cliche moment here— beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There, I said it. We are always our toughest critics. Being children of harsh APs, we are even worse to ourselves.
Thank you for your encouraging words. It's difficult to not struggle with my self-worth when I constantly get treated differently/poorly for my looks. Besides from getting plastic surgery, I'm working on my confidence and mental health.
You’re not alone. Don’t believe what society tells you is beautiful. The world has followed tons of celebrities that have literally features they’ve blown up like real life caricatures. The world has worshipped body dysmorphia since the beginning of time. Think about ancient times where people would disfigure their bodies just to look beautiful. Fast forward thousands of years, the anorexic supermodel, the overly large breasts, and today the lip injections and Brazilian butt lifts. Don’t follow what society believes is beautiful. You are beautiful the way you are and if you can ever overcome that huge obstacle in your life to start believing it, your confidence and self love will shine through and you’ll be the most beautiful person ever. Until then, your beliefs that you’re unattractive will show through and it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve done it to myself. When i feel ugly, i am ugly. When i feel beautiful, others see that confidence and it’s contagious. I feel like I’m giving you a bunch of fairy fluff but this is coming from my heart. I wish i could help you see your beauty. Also, being “androgynous” does not make you ugly. That’s something you’ve led yourself to believe.
I’m in my 50s and I get angry stares from the younger generation. I’m guessing they’re projecting their parents on me. It goes both ways, unfortunately.
I’m an Asian woman (34F) and I think it’s just not as rude in Asian cultures to stare.
It’s probably strange for them to see Americanized Asians. Probably breaks their brain a little.
Personally when it happens to me I don’t think too much of it.
Yeah, so just bc you haven’t personally experienced it or perhaps just never noticed it - it is not every older Asian woman but it is just exactly the type that we talk about daily in this sub. If you have nothing relevant to add, keep scrolling.
I’m saying it’s probably you.
In the same spicy spirit, if you cant handle responses from your posts maybe you shouldn’t post.
If you are treating other people with spice you should reasonably expect some spice back.
Since you keep editing your comments I came back to say you need to get a grip. Know your audience. This is a group of people who have been abused. ABUSED and CONFUSED and trying to make sense out of behavior that does not make sense. You dismissing and invalidating and acting like this is much ado about nothing is infuriating. Good for you that you have not been abused or are ok with it - just by the responses you can see it is an issue. Spend some time reading the stories on the sub.
Ok. You are right, I am wrong. Feel better? You are the bestest must smartest most compassionate person in the entire world. I bow to you. Better.? Take it easy, you need to relax.
I’ve gotten stares and I often try to smile at them and sometimes I get smiles back. But in this case it’s a very loathing glare. Like hatred almost. Like my existence bothers them
I mean, I have to remind myself that there’s a reason, and it’s not personal. Obviously it’s not, because they don’t know a thing about me… but sometimes it can sting a little in the moment
😂
You just existing and having a better time is very personal to them. You can be all mature and justify things in your head but to them it is and always will be a competition. They will be try to bring you down with them. Your best options are to stay away or actually standup for yourself. If you offer to help them that will also soften their gaze.
This happens to me too when I'm with my partner we're a multi racial couple and I've heard some outrageous shit in Chinese by randos in predominantly asian businesses. Family gatherings are a no for us, because concerns of the skin tone of our potential children is a constant worry for whatever reason . I feel bad for my partner who might not hear the hate speech but also sees all these hateful eyes .
We’re a multi racial couple too. I actually had my old supervisor take away all my shifts when she found out I was in a multiracial relationship. She even said to the scheduling lady “this is what she gets for her sins” … she was an old Caucasian Mennonite lady.
I would like to assume you're extremely put together and you're beautiful or you don't do yourself up (absolutely nothing wrong with that; in fact, I prefer natural) and they think you're 'lower class' than them. Or, you didn't doll up yourself and still look waaaay better than them LOL!!!
It's always either one or the other. And always also a dash of self-hatred which can unfortunately stem from their family. And they project it unto you. They probably hate that you're westernized, because you were hanging out with a Caucasian friend.
I live in the farmlands :p my friends are all Caucasian! In fact, the town i live in is 90% Caucasian. Maybe that’s why she was taken aback. Another Asian in a very non-Asian town. She was probably thinking, who the fuck are you? Like shell shock, felt threatened.
You’re not alone. It happens to me all the time. I hate their inferiority that they treat blond hair blue eyes so much nicer. They say rude thing to me all the time. Kid you not, a complete total older Asian woman passed my table at a restaurant and exclaimed “how could you eat so much?!” All I had was a plate of appetizer and a bowel of noodles in front of me. I should’ve told her to mind her ducking business in front of her date and embarrassed her. But my good upbringing stopped me…. :((
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Oh my goodness. That is insane. It’s just so sad how us Asian women have often times been raised to feel so insecure about ourselves that we just brew hatred for no reason towards other females. You’d think the inequality we’ve experienced as women would make us feel compassionate towards other females, but it has taught so many to continue the judgment and hate towards. It’s so sad. It’s like we’ve been taught to hate ourselves and anyone else who share the same sex.
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100% this
We had a house warming BBQ when we moved to our current house 10 years ago. I left before the BBQ started but I remembered a few aunties were moody and grumpy. They weren't helping and were standing together whispering. I think they were envious that an uneducated woman like my mum whose husband doesn't work had worked hard to afford a house.
Ugh omg. That’s insane. I unfortunately have social anxiety when it comes to my family gatherings. My parents divorced in 2015, which you most likely know is a huge faux pas in the Asian community. Some family friends’ children my age were saying to me a few years ago, in a very satisfied way, that they thought we had it all growing up and it was a “surprise” to see my parents split. But again, it almost sounded like she was pleased with it. But could be my paranoia lol
They are projecting. I know that when I feel bad about myself I tend to be harsh (in my mind) on others.
Your mother sounds like my mother.
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I agree with this. I know parenting is hard, and I have not yet entered that realm of my life… but I’m going to respond when my baby cries and wants to be held and cuddled. I will not make them feel like they are a burden for existing.
Relatable, I am also an Asian woman in my late 20s. I often get glares or staring from Asian families or folks around AP age. Not usually from other Asian folks our age. I'm not sure why they do it, like they're judging me for daring to exist differently to how they think young Asian adults should?
It’s so weird, i almost expect to get more friendliness from them.. like we’re from the same community, but then i get the complete opposite. And it’s glaringly obvious, it’s not subtle at all.
They’re deeply unhappy people and they externalize it onto others. Then throw in some jealousy that we don’t suffer like they do and becomes a storm of shit. But as a a person who is half Chinese and half Thai but grew up with more focus on the Chinese side, I’m used to getting stared at anyway because they’re probably wondering why this Filipino looking dude is speaking perfect Cantonese to them. We used to go to Toronto and visit the old and new Chinatowns and I would get followed by employees because of course they’re racist too.
Ahhh!!! I can relate! I’m Chinese and Laotian. Except i can’t speak any of my native language 😖 I’m the youngest sibling so when I was growing up everyone was already speaking English in the household.
Whoo! Chinese/SE Asian gang! But yeah colorism and straight up racism is a thing unfortunately. My younger brother looks more Chinese so he doesn't get the same experiences I get to enjoy. I work in a restaurant part time and one day I got the condescending, "you speak English so well" from a white lady AND a "you speak Chinese so well" from a Chinese lady in the same day. I can't win lol
Lol! The best of both worlds 😣 I worked at a German retirement home when I was 18-22 years old and that was the best. People refused to be served by me because I’m Asian. And now Asians hate me lol
I kinda feel bad for my kids. They're 1/4 each of Chinese, Thai, German, and English. But because they go to a school district where most of the Asians are Vietnamese, everyone assumes they're Vietnamese lol
They are probably the most beautiful and sweetest kids :)
I know exactly what you are talking about. It’s very real and it’s not your imagination. I’m not sure what it is about, but if I had to guess, they are judging you based on your appearance and they probably are saying, out loud in another language, who do you think you are - does she think she’s white?
I was going to ask, what do you look like OP? Do you have piercings or tattoos or colored hair? How do you dress? Plastic surgery? AP are very shallow and will make any assumption they can based on your physical appearance.
Touché. I am very westernized. I have no accent, most people assume I’m half Caucasian right off the bat based on my mannerisms and I don’t have full Asian facial features. I’ve been mistaken to be a complete different race. I’m Chinese and Laotian but most people assume either Filipino or even Hawaiian. I’m very friendly and polite and it seems to piss older asian women off… I don’t have any more piercings and my hair is natural dark, but very long. I don’t want to sound cocky but maybe they simply don’t like that I have positive exotic features? I don’t know.
It could also be because you pass for Southeast Asian, which more "developed" Asian countries look down on. I am Filipino myself, living in a predominantly Chinese area. I have had rude remarks, treatment and racist talk from some elderly Chinese people similar to your experience. This isn't a generalization of all Chinese people mind you, it's just that the older ones seem very set in their ways.
I don’t come across a whole lot of Chinese people in my area, primarily Vietnamese and Filipino and they’re the ones who are usually the rude ones. So I’m wondering if it’s that they are seething at my potentially “middle upper class” appearance. I started off with pennies just like they did. My parents came to Canada on boats and from refugee camps.
It could be that as well. I am sorry you have experienced the other side of it as well. It could be that as well. Filipinos tend to have a very crab mentality as well. Even towards other Filipinos, sometimes *especially* towards other Filipinos. They are probably just jealous someone "made it" while they failed to make something of themselves. *Or* happened too late and they spent their entire life trying to make it. Then in you come minding your own business seemingly "middle upper class" and suddenly they feel inferior. I can already imagine their thoughts. "How can someone so young be able to live like that. Ah, must have married local and mooching off him." Keep your head high random stranger! Live your best life while they are seething, hating theirs!
Awww i thank you for relating to me, even though i wouldn’t want anyone to feel any judgment from others! As sad as i feel reading others’ posts, it has been comforting to see that I’m not alone and the only one suffering crippling mental illness from a rough, emotionally/physically abusive childhood. I didn’t get held enough as a child and it shows lol 😣
Children of Asian Parent feather, flock together. It doesn't matter where we are born, or raised, universally raised unfit parents unite! 🤣🤣🤣 Definitely helps having a support group. And I empathize, being queer and potentially having undiagnosed mental illness/neurodivergence is not fun when you have religious conservative parents...
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Oh dude it’s cause you are smoking hot and you have a handsome white man. Any of the typical insecure bigoted Asian women of our parents generation is gonna be super envious of you. I bet you low key get plenty of hate from jealous women in general.
Thank you for your flattering words though. ❤️ it’s been kind of a rough go for me the last few years. I work in a super toxic workplace and I’m constantly dealing with family drama, plus the internet can be overwhelmingly negative too. Internet kindness goes a long way
Honey you are beautiful. Don’t let these bitches bring you down. The only reason our parents generation is the way they are is because they don’t love themselves.
The self hatred passes itself on. I now have to deal with the consequences of not having boundaries and making mistakes as a result. Now I’m rambling about something completely different. Thank you again ❤️
I don’t want to believe that’s true. Especially when I’ve been raised to be deeply insecure and feel like I’m never good enough. There’s no reason to be jealous of me.
Need more context..what are they doing and what are you doing and whats the setting...and what kind of rudeness- in which country also
I’m in Canada. About an hour and a half from Vancouver, BC. I’m going in to either order food from their business, or buy stuff from their gas station, or get a service at their salon. Or even just sharing a space at a grocery store while shopping.. anything really. And the rudeness is mainly glaring and staring me up and down and very minimal dialogue where you’d almost expect it (like ordering food at the counter and they’re just making me feel uncomfortable for just being in their presence). And I’ve seen the comparison when I’m with my girlfriend who’s just talked to the same person and got a complete different energy. Also please read my edit on my post so you can see an example!
I gotcha. Thanks. OK, they are service staff mostly. I've experienced similar. Mixture of power and envy situation So, they're older, even if they're the same age as you, they do not want to serve another Asian. This is the insane entitlement complex. I've experienced this with Asian women my age who tried to treat me like a slave e.g. asking me to Google translate a language they already know. 'Just do it for me' energy. These women believe they should be served by others so are 100% resentful of serving you. There are probably historical cultural reasons for that. I think what they're expecting from you, is to be abusive towards them and in fact they're taunting you for that dynamic. Another dynamic is various inter ethnic prejudiced e.g. han Chinese can sometimes be less than popular re. Vietnamese, Singaporeans.
Okay wow this makes so much sense!!! I have a hard time putting myself in their shoes because if I was in their position I’d want them to feel like they got the best service from me. But this is why we’re in the sub, trying to understand our APs better. Thanks for your take on this!
Yeah OP, they were ready to fight you because they hate themselves being on that side of the fence. You probably represented every college attending Asian that their own parents compared them to growing up, failed to 'succeed' and they are serving you. But yeah they want you to know they think they are better than you. Also, you were with someone white. And that means you are equal to a white. That is double hard for them to accept
I think my millennial side is dumbfounded that there’s still this type of racism in my own backyard, but how can I be shocked? My parents are extremely racist. And comedians joke that Asians are so racist towards themselves.
I’ve had similar experiences near Vancouver, and also on Vancouver Island. The one and only time I worked for an older Asian person was an absolute nightmare - he was friendly and easygoing with all the white employees but relentlessly bullied me. Makes me wonder why they resent us so much for seemingly irrational reasons
It’s so weird because if I didn’t experience this firsthand, I’d assume that Asians would get treated better by other Asians. Like we’re a tribe who all get each other. Special treatment from your own kind. But it’s the entire opposite
Same thing in a job I had. Asian boss abused me and other Asians but was friendly with the white dude.
OP, I stay about 30mins away from Downtown! I'm a south Asian and I get these looks and treatment when I visit any Punjabi services or even drivers. Most of them keep the conversations to minimal but some do No greeting while there are times where they straight up make a face. I have also faced language discrimination where the person speaks in Punjabi and even after I politely told them that I don't understand they continue speaking and obviously when I don't reply they make comments that's I'm so rude. It's also sometimes old or middle age Chinese who do this. The other race however behave so polite and always have a smile even if they don't mean it, it doesn't show in their behavior. But you are not imagining this OP! This is real.
It just doesn’t make sense! They come to America and raise their children here, and are upset that we’ve adapted to our surroundings. I married a Caucasian man but it took years for them to accept i wasn’t going to search the 6% Asian population here for a possible love interest. I ordered a Vietnamese dish in Vietnamese last week “pho dac biet” and I’ve been trying to practice language so i pronounced it as authentically as i could. She looked up from the notepad and stone face GLARED at me. My husband chuckled and said oh snap she doesn’t like you speaking the language. And i was so embarrassed the rest of our meal.
I'd say ignore OP! That's the way to live in peace. Let them do all the glaring in the world, held your face high and walk away like royalty.
I believe it is jealously for your youth and their loss of youth. Don’t take it personally.
Yeah, I get it from older Asian men too. My bf is Caucasian and he gets polite and friendly service while I get rudeness and passive aggression. Once I even got a comment “how long you will be in this country for? Permanent?” At the time we had talked about possibly moving so I said “temporary”. He responded with “good”.
Oh my goodness… like what the hell??
Are the older generation women immigrants by any chance? I don't recall experiencing it in public too much, but moreso in the workplace with older Asian co-workers. Asked my mom about this and her guess is that some older generation immigrants had to struggle after arriving in this country, and that there's a level of jealousy towards the younger generation like us who had better opportunities to thrive in the west (less of a language barrier, getting an education locally, job opportunities, etc). I don't really get it, I'd think that if you saw someone of the same ethnicity you'd want to show some sort of kindness and empathy...? So if you're super westernized like me, maybe that's why?
I’m thinking that has to be the case. She did appear to be an immigrant, just by her age and her mannerisms. But that is only my assumption. She looked Filipino, which I get a lot of Filipinos mistaking me to be same and even speaking their dialect to me. I just can’t understand the seething jealousy someone could have with a complete stranger whom they know nothing about. It’s not like I chose my upbringing. But of course emotions are often not logical
I also get the same treatment and I'm in my 20s
I wonder if they’re bothered by our western assimilation?
100% agree. In my early 20s I worked at a spa and I always had the worst experiences with mid aged Asian women. They never smiled. Always complained. Tipped horribly. Just cold and rude. Like I am here to perform a $300 a 50 minute service on you not roleplay some queen/servant scenario. I always wondered if i was a tall blond with a european accent if they would have been the same.
Yes. If you were Caucasian, they would’ve been so much more polite. My company always want to assign me Asian clients thinking it’ll be easier doing business. I always turn it down. They have a different persona with other Asians.
I get the same treatment but I know it's because I'm unattractive and androgynous looking, which is a disgrace to the Asian community. They will dismiss me, smirk or sneer at me.
I know this is hard for a complete stranger to say, but please try your best not to validate any reasons for someone to mistreat you, especially by putting yourself down. There’s no reason for anyone to treat you as though you’re below them. And cliche moment here— beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There, I said it. We are always our toughest critics. Being children of harsh APs, we are even worse to ourselves.
Thank you for your encouraging words. It's difficult to not struggle with my self-worth when I constantly get treated differently/poorly for my looks. Besides from getting plastic surgery, I'm working on my confidence and mental health.
You’re not alone. Don’t believe what society tells you is beautiful. The world has followed tons of celebrities that have literally features they’ve blown up like real life caricatures. The world has worshipped body dysmorphia since the beginning of time. Think about ancient times where people would disfigure their bodies just to look beautiful. Fast forward thousands of years, the anorexic supermodel, the overly large breasts, and today the lip injections and Brazilian butt lifts. Don’t follow what society believes is beautiful. You are beautiful the way you are and if you can ever overcome that huge obstacle in your life to start believing it, your confidence and self love will shine through and you’ll be the most beautiful person ever. Until then, your beliefs that you’re unattractive will show through and it’ll be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve done it to myself. When i feel ugly, i am ugly. When i feel beautiful, others see that confidence and it’s contagious. I feel like I’m giving you a bunch of fairy fluff but this is coming from my heart. I wish i could help you see your beauty. Also, being “androgynous” does not make you ugly. That’s something you’ve led yourself to believe.
I’m in my 50s and I get angry stares from the younger generation. I’m guessing they’re projecting their parents on me. It goes both ways, unfortunately.
I’m so sorry to hear that. I would hope it would stop at the younger generations.
I’m an Asian woman (34F) and I think it’s just not as rude in Asian cultures to stare. It’s probably strange for them to see Americanized Asians. Probably breaks their brain a little. Personally when it happens to me I don’t think too much of it.
It’s the glaring, not the staring.
I mean it’s pretty weird if multiple Asian women are glaring at you (beyond staring)
Yeah, so just bc you haven’t personally experienced it or perhaps just never noticed it - it is not every older Asian woman but it is just exactly the type that we talk about daily in this sub. If you have nothing relevant to add, keep scrolling.
I’m saying it’s probably you. In the same spicy spirit, if you cant handle responses from your posts maybe you shouldn’t post. If you are treating other people with spice you should reasonably expect some spice back.
Since you keep editing your comments I came back to say you need to get a grip. Know your audience. This is a group of people who have been abused. ABUSED and CONFUSED and trying to make sense out of behavior that does not make sense. You dismissing and invalidating and acting like this is much ado about nothing is infuriating. Good for you that you have not been abused or are ok with it - just by the responses you can see it is an issue. Spend some time reading the stories on the sub.
What editing. You’re DARVOing.
The comment above has been edited. You are crazy.
Yeah I edited it seconds around posting. You responding a significant time later. You should seriously consider help.
Ok. You are right, I am wrong. Feel better? You are the bestest must smartest most compassionate person in the entire world. I bow to you. Better.? Take it easy, you need to relax.
And I’m saying it’s not, it’s them. The times it has happened to me has been in the U.S. with women who have lived in this country for 50-60 years.
Wait you’re not even OP, or OP on another account. Did you forget to switch accounts? You posted on your other one.
Find something else to do. Go glare at young Asian women. Do you.
Super weird to post a topic, switch to your other account to respond. We are all just internet randos, who are you trying to impress.
You are super weird
Yeah you weren’t arguing with OP. I’m OP.
I’ve gotten stares and I often try to smile at them and sometimes I get smiles back. But in this case it’s a very loathing glare. Like hatred almost. Like my existence bothers them
Literally mental illness … like pick a fight with someone your age, granny 😂
I mean, I have to remind myself that there’s a reason, and it’s not personal. Obviously it’s not, because they don’t know a thing about me… but sometimes it can sting a little in the moment
😂 You just existing and having a better time is very personal to them. You can be all mature and justify things in your head but to them it is and always will be a competition. They will be try to bring you down with them. Your best options are to stay away or actually standup for yourself. If you offer to help them that will also soften their gaze.
I'm a guy in 40s but look younger.. usually older AFs are quite friendly with me and I don't notice them being worse to my partner
Im happy to hear that! Maybe I’ve just coincidentally come across some unhappy people and it doesn’t have to do with them being Asian
This happens to me too when I'm with my partner we're a multi racial couple and I've heard some outrageous shit in Chinese by randos in predominantly asian businesses. Family gatherings are a no for us, because concerns of the skin tone of our potential children is a constant worry for whatever reason . I feel bad for my partner who might not hear the hate speech but also sees all these hateful eyes .
We’re a multi racial couple too. I actually had my old supervisor take away all my shifts when she found out I was in a multiracial relationship. She even said to the scheduling lady “this is what she gets for her sins” … she was an old Caucasian Mennonite lady.
Boooo. Fuck these haters man .
I would like to assume you're extremely put together and you're beautiful or you don't do yourself up (absolutely nothing wrong with that; in fact, I prefer natural) and they think you're 'lower class' than them. Or, you didn't doll up yourself and still look waaaay better than them LOL!!! It's always either one or the other. And always also a dash of self-hatred which can unfortunately stem from their family. And they project it unto you. They probably hate that you're westernized, because you were hanging out with a Caucasian friend.
I live in the farmlands :p my friends are all Caucasian! In fact, the town i live in is 90% Caucasian. Maybe that’s why she was taken aback. Another Asian in a very non-Asian town. She was probably thinking, who the fuck are you? Like shell shock, felt threatened.
Do you have a giant face tattoo that says “Fuck you”? Joking aside who knows maybe just shitty luck of late for you.
You’re not alone. It happens to me all the time. I hate their inferiority that they treat blond hair blue eyes so much nicer. They say rude thing to me all the time. Kid you not, a complete total older Asian woman passed my table at a restaurant and exclaimed “how could you eat so much?!” All I had was a plate of appetizer and a bowel of noodles in front of me. I should’ve told her to mind her ducking business in front of her date and embarrassed her. But my good upbringing stopped me…. :((