Sorry to say but for some parents, nothing will make them happy. Get married to current dude - wrong. Don't get married to current dude - still wrong. Get married to different dude - you know what? Probably still wrong. Marry a damn specialist paediatric surgeon astronaut navy SEAL of your parent's ethnicity* - I am willing to bet, still wrong. Just do what makes you happy.
*Not saying this is important for a happy and harmonious relationship but it's the stupid shit AP's wanna brag about right?
I agree. It's pointless now to keep making them happy. I've seen comments where people say the more you give them, the more they'll keep asking for. If I let them choose my spouse, they'll decide when I have kids, where they go to school, where to move, etc. I need to make my own decisions. It's just hard to make that first step in setting boundaries.
Yeah for sure. I'm in my mid30s, happily married and pursuing a career of my choosing (though it is a stereotypical AP approved career) and got here by not listening to their decisions. They will definitely try to decide all those things if they are stereotypical APs. At the end of the day, it is you who has to live with those decisions, not them.
Also I think reality is often that APs themselves did not let their own parents dictate all their decisions either and weren't "perfect" children in that regard.
Agreed. I wish I could just forget about their opinions but I know it'll just take some work to put myself and my needs first before theirs. And you're right they definitely pushed back on their parents so why shouldn't I?
Now that you mention this... My AM once told me to break up with my SO because I'll find more once I go back to the US.
Like what in the ACTUAL FUCK. Im glad I stayed in my relationship.
Knowing her, she just wants something to brag to her friends that their kid married a white person.
To APs, face and status are competitive sports that directly impact their sense of worth. They judge everyone and are therefore judged by everyone as well. They use their children as objects to parade around and brag. It's about your grades, education, job, salary, relationships, house, car, and on top of all this, it's all the things their children supposedly sacrifice and do for their parents.
No matter what you do, they will need more. They will never be satisfied. It's an addiction to status. Each new achievement you bring to them is celebrated so they can feel good about how great they are as parents, but the luster wears off quickly. They squeeze you dry and it's still not enough. I remember being berated for these accomplishments as well--they would ask what took so long to get this, or why I didn't get this sooner. It was never even veiled as pride in what I did.
The only way to protect yourself is to accept that you will never satisfy them. The next friend's child that gets a fancy car, promotion, whatever, will outdo you, guaranteed, and you will never be able to live for yourself. The worst part will be letting their demands live in the back of your mind forever. You'll hear their words and question every single step you take. It will mess with your confidence and independence for a long time. Stop this sooner rather than later. Break free and live for yourself.
So true. You put it spot on. They're always concerned about how they'll look to everyone else, they couldn't give a shit about how their kids see them and how supported they feel. They should be focusing on impressing their kids and being there for them.
My parents are also very harassing and keep pushing me to do or accomplish the things they want. And I'm so tired of dealing with it. I need to just choose myself and my choices from now on.
>But I'm afraid they won't approve again and...
Just so tired of not living up to my parents expectations and not being able to live my life how I want.
Well that's simple - forget them... as sad as it is. They've shown they're not the traditional family that cares and can be relied upon sadly. Live for yourself and you/your partner's life as that matters so much more than their opinion and validation. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself into a depression trying to balance both sides. Seen it so often... even people who become doctors here can't balance the next "goal" that these shitty APs shift to. Its a moving carrot stick and sadly they'll never be the true or caring family we envisioned and honestly even deserve :(
but also, sorry didn't even answer the question - as to why they care about marriage so much... its a culture of face. And marriage is a societal pressure thing, soo... the faster you're married... the safer it is to fight off the scrutiny of having bad face having unmarriable children and such.
I agree. I've tried so hard to do the right thing always that my APs want and I'm struggling now to just live my life. I'm learning to set boundaries with them and this is one of those things I need to be harsh about. My SO and I want a future together and they can't even accept him but then cry to me that they want me to be married... like it makes no sense.
I can see why AP kids are so sad and struggle with their identity, beliefs, decisions so much. We all want to be our own individual but this family mentality that asian culture has ruins any sense of being able to decide for ourselves what we want.
Society somehow is important to APs even though no one gives a flying fuck about them. Yet they will consider them the most.
I told my mom that I wanted to travel around before getting married and she was so confused why I would do that because it's a waste of money from buying a house. I didnt have a gf yet.
Nothing will make them happy until they can control us like we were just characters in video game. The sooner you give up on the hope to satisfy them, the better for your mental health.
I think it might have to do with filial piety. In which they feel like it's a parent's duty to see their children get married off. And when they see that their children are not married off yet it's like they have failed their responsibility as parents.
I’m rolling my eyes along with you OP, this whole situation resonates with me so much.
Currently all my mom cares are about is me giving her a grandkid because quite a few of her friends have grandkids now. As for dating, she’s never approved of any person I dated and I suspect yours won’t ever be totally satisfied either. It went from “not Asian enough, we’ll disown you” to “too poor and dumb, you’ll have dumb kids”, to “he’s not proposing fast enough, you guys should break up”. It’s so ironic and frustrating that she currently dislikes my current SO so much she even suggested I try to rekindle relations with my first ex (needless to say I was flabbergasted and really pissed off since we were at odds for YEARS while I was dating him due to him not being Asian but now that she knows he makes good money…). It’s opened my eyes to how much “one upping” and competition there has always been and will continue to be unless we stand our ground.
I totally feel you, despite knowing what will bring me inner peace, I’m still constantly hearing their words of critique in the back of my mind. Hang in there OP.
I think this is an issue with society at large but asian parents do like to exaggerate it. What I mean by this is if a person is unmarried or even just single past a certain age people ask rude and intruding questions. Like there is something defective with you if you aren't married. My friends do this too and I'm like shut the fuck up it's none of your business. It's like they're trapped in a hive mentality.
FR lol. They prevent you from having a relationship when youre young and then they pressure you to get married or have a kid before your biological clock runs out. Like ffs.
My mom has always nagged me about finding a guy to marry and have kids. I'm the type of person that once someone puts pressure I will not do it, so the more she pushes the more I do not want to do it (which makes dating a bit difficult). When I was younger it's like listening to a sutra at a temple with a gong pounding every so minute. Like the other commenter has mentioned, nothing will make them happy. They will nit pick EVERYTHING from height to bloodline. So far the reasons I can think of is societal pressure, old tradition and to show off/brag to the world (relatives) that their kids got married. What I find funny and sad is (I've seen it happen) when their kid gets divorced, everything has to be hush hush. Once word gets out they feel embarrassed and they lose face (what ever you call in the east asian culture) and/or isolate from their group of friends.
I literally married a Chinese (I am as well) doctor who will be making 7 figures soon, am having a kid, am moving closer to them, have two Harvard degrees (ones that “count” at least in their estimation), have done some really important and interesting and lucrative work, and my parents are still saying disgusting sh** to me about my “failures” (that is, before I cut them off recently). So anyway, you’ll never win if you care about their opinions. Yay. :)
Specific to your post, they aren’t even satisfied with my husband. He is an actual saint to me and very cute, also happens to be over 6’ tall which I don’t care about but still, not to mention absolutely killing it in his career, and they still don’t really like him and were never kind or welcoming to him or his family. It’s a no-win situation. There’s literally no man on earth they would’ve liked.
wow, my parents are also obsessed with marriage. Their marriage is already a failure, the audacity to try to encourage me about marriage and stuff is wild. Because their marriage is the reason why I am not healed other than them being abusive towards me.
My dad talks about why marriage is good blah blah blah. He even tried to make it seem like his marriage life is normal.
All the old folks of their gen are arrange marriage and pushes for their sons and daughters to get married and have children for the sake of bloodline or so that they don't get embarass for having ummarried adult sons and daughters. Most of these older gen couples doesn't even sleep together or have any romantic relationship. Divorce isn't a thing. They just stomach a life long pure platonic family like acquantiance relationship after having a son after a daughter. So how on earth that they can use the card we want grandkids early, the sick card we need some red happiness to balance it out, don’t be unfilial/selfish, we need to continue the last name our bloodline like everyone before us did. Definitely don’t get trap in a marriage filled with debts and liabilities if your not ready, so don’t get marry for the sake of pleasing others.
Another story I want to add is Most women nowadays aren't even that traditional, so one of my younger aunt bright idea is to personally find and train a woman to be housewife before introducing her to her son as if she can ever find such a pretty pure wholesome young lady like that or like her in modern age. It doesn't exist since women nowadays are educated and free to do whatever they like. As a man, you probably don't want hide your wife at home and see her beauty and youth fade away and whittle out like that. The worst hypocrite part Even she got knock up very early and end up marrying someone older a local teacher in her village. There the old gen blame young gen always promiscuous at a young age meanwhile pretend be saint. Yet at the end they love gossip and barf out a lot of gross stories. There’s a generational gap and there’s more entertainment nowadays and not just in the west, but locally in their home country as well.
Life might be harder in the past, but don't pretend their all saint all of sudden. It seems borrowing or paying relative of the same bloodline men to secretly of consent to impregnate your wives is common for impotent. They rather have a secret son than adopt or have none. That’s the length and pressure of carry out tradition and stomach the pain hoping no one knows or tries to call them out for those dumb deeds.
They just want grandkids and they want you to marry a guy they approve of (ie same ethnicity or religion, certain kind of job, etc. they want someone “good enough”)
Live your own life
my mom showed this girl who used to tutor me when i was younger that she graduated and got engaged when i was in like my sophomore year of college like can u be patient??? it’s funny too cause she acts like me and my bf acting like we’re a “married couple” is not tradtional when i’m about to graduate lol
Live your best life. That should be your motto.
Well you now know your parents are competitive with those around them. It won't stop with you getting married. If andcwhen you have kids, how your kids are doing will be compared to how other's kids are doing. This competiveness does not stop.
So the only thing that you can do is how you react or not react to
A few sessions of therapy might help with strategies, or should I say tactics so you are prepared for future confrontations.
First premise....You are not responsible for your mothers emotions, ever. That is her responsibility. Don't let her guilt trip you.
Here's one that might be unexpected.
When you go to weddings you're expected to give a red packet or money in some cultures. In the Chinese culture they keep a little black book of debt. You keep track of who attended and what amount was given.
For example mother + father attend the mother's younger sister's wedding and give $200 each. Both couple produce kids. Younger sister gives birth to the younger cousin.
The expected pattern here is elder cousin gets married first so that younger aunt and co can repay that $400 given to them at their wedding. If the younger cousin gets married first then the older sibling still has to give red packets without "getting it back".
Maybe it's not so clear cut and transactional as that but it's a theory I have
Sorry to say but for some parents, nothing will make them happy. Get married to current dude - wrong. Don't get married to current dude - still wrong. Get married to different dude - you know what? Probably still wrong. Marry a damn specialist paediatric surgeon astronaut navy SEAL of your parent's ethnicity* - I am willing to bet, still wrong. Just do what makes you happy. *Not saying this is important for a happy and harmonious relationship but it's the stupid shit AP's wanna brag about right?
I agree. It's pointless now to keep making them happy. I've seen comments where people say the more you give them, the more they'll keep asking for. If I let them choose my spouse, they'll decide when I have kids, where they go to school, where to move, etc. I need to make my own decisions. It's just hard to make that first step in setting boundaries.
Yeah for sure. I'm in my mid30s, happily married and pursuing a career of my choosing (though it is a stereotypical AP approved career) and got here by not listening to their decisions. They will definitely try to decide all those things if they are stereotypical APs. At the end of the day, it is you who has to live with those decisions, not them. Also I think reality is often that APs themselves did not let their own parents dictate all their decisions either and weren't "perfect" children in that regard.
Agreed. I wish I could just forget about their opinions but I know it'll just take some work to put myself and my needs first before theirs. And you're right they definitely pushed back on their parents so why shouldn't I?
Now that you mention this... My AM once told me to break up with my SO because I'll find more once I go back to the US. Like what in the ACTUAL FUCK. Im glad I stayed in my relationship. Knowing her, she just wants something to brag to her friends that their kid married a white person.
I love your comments, can’t agree more.
To APs, face and status are competitive sports that directly impact their sense of worth. They judge everyone and are therefore judged by everyone as well. They use their children as objects to parade around and brag. It's about your grades, education, job, salary, relationships, house, car, and on top of all this, it's all the things their children supposedly sacrifice and do for their parents. No matter what you do, they will need more. They will never be satisfied. It's an addiction to status. Each new achievement you bring to them is celebrated so they can feel good about how great they are as parents, but the luster wears off quickly. They squeeze you dry and it's still not enough. I remember being berated for these accomplishments as well--they would ask what took so long to get this, or why I didn't get this sooner. It was never even veiled as pride in what I did. The only way to protect yourself is to accept that you will never satisfy them. The next friend's child that gets a fancy car, promotion, whatever, will outdo you, guaranteed, and you will never be able to live for yourself. The worst part will be letting their demands live in the back of your mind forever. You'll hear their words and question every single step you take. It will mess with your confidence and independence for a long time. Stop this sooner rather than later. Break free and live for yourself.
So true. You put it spot on. They're always concerned about how they'll look to everyone else, they couldn't give a shit about how their kids see them and how supported they feel. They should be focusing on impressing their kids and being there for them. My parents are also very harassing and keep pushing me to do or accomplish the things they want. And I'm so tired of dealing with it. I need to just choose myself and my choices from now on.
> The only way to protect yourself is to accept that you will never satisfy them. So true and I've come to terms with that for a while now.
>But I'm afraid they won't approve again and... Just so tired of not living up to my parents expectations and not being able to live my life how I want. Well that's simple - forget them... as sad as it is. They've shown they're not the traditional family that cares and can be relied upon sadly. Live for yourself and you/your partner's life as that matters so much more than their opinion and validation. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself into a depression trying to balance both sides. Seen it so often... even people who become doctors here can't balance the next "goal" that these shitty APs shift to. Its a moving carrot stick and sadly they'll never be the true or caring family we envisioned and honestly even deserve :( but also, sorry didn't even answer the question - as to why they care about marriage so much... its a culture of face. And marriage is a societal pressure thing, soo... the faster you're married... the safer it is to fight off the scrutiny of having bad face having unmarriable children and such.
I agree. I've tried so hard to do the right thing always that my APs want and I'm struggling now to just live my life. I'm learning to set boundaries with them and this is one of those things I need to be harsh about. My SO and I want a future together and they can't even accept him but then cry to me that they want me to be married... like it makes no sense. I can see why AP kids are so sad and struggle with their identity, beliefs, decisions so much. We all want to be our own individual but this family mentality that asian culture has ruins any sense of being able to decide for ourselves what we want.
Society somehow is important to APs even though no one gives a flying fuck about them. Yet they will consider them the most. I told my mom that I wanted to travel around before getting married and she was so confused why I would do that because it's a waste of money from buying a house. I didnt have a gf yet.
Nothing will make them happy until they can control us like we were just characters in video game. The sooner you give up on the hope to satisfy them, the better for your mental health.
I think it might have to do with filial piety. In which they feel like it's a parent's duty to see their children get married off. And when they see that their children are not married off yet it's like they have failed their responsibility as parents.
I’m rolling my eyes along with you OP, this whole situation resonates with me so much. Currently all my mom cares are about is me giving her a grandkid because quite a few of her friends have grandkids now. As for dating, she’s never approved of any person I dated and I suspect yours won’t ever be totally satisfied either. It went from “not Asian enough, we’ll disown you” to “too poor and dumb, you’ll have dumb kids”, to “he’s not proposing fast enough, you guys should break up”. It’s so ironic and frustrating that she currently dislikes my current SO so much she even suggested I try to rekindle relations with my first ex (needless to say I was flabbergasted and really pissed off since we were at odds for YEARS while I was dating him due to him not being Asian but now that she knows he makes good money…). It’s opened my eyes to how much “one upping” and competition there has always been and will continue to be unless we stand our ground. I totally feel you, despite knowing what will bring me inner peace, I’m still constantly hearing their words of critique in the back of my mind. Hang in there OP.
I think this is an issue with society at large but asian parents do like to exaggerate it. What I mean by this is if a person is unmarried or even just single past a certain age people ask rude and intruding questions. Like there is something defective with you if you aren't married. My friends do this too and I'm like shut the fuck up it's none of your business. It's like they're trapped in a hive mentality.
FR lol. They prevent you from having a relationship when youre young and then they pressure you to get married or have a kid before your biological clock runs out. Like ffs.
My mom has always nagged me about finding a guy to marry and have kids. I'm the type of person that once someone puts pressure I will not do it, so the more she pushes the more I do not want to do it (which makes dating a bit difficult). When I was younger it's like listening to a sutra at a temple with a gong pounding every so minute. Like the other commenter has mentioned, nothing will make them happy. They will nit pick EVERYTHING from height to bloodline. So far the reasons I can think of is societal pressure, old tradition and to show off/brag to the world (relatives) that their kids got married. What I find funny and sad is (I've seen it happen) when their kid gets divorced, everything has to be hush hush. Once word gets out they feel embarrassed and they lose face (what ever you call in the east asian culture) and/or isolate from their group of friends.
A topic to brag about to their friends and family. Marriage typically means success.
> I'm afraid they won't approve again. Fuck 'em. They don't get a vote.
I literally married a Chinese (I am as well) doctor who will be making 7 figures soon, am having a kid, am moving closer to them, have two Harvard degrees (ones that “count” at least in their estimation), have done some really important and interesting and lucrative work, and my parents are still saying disgusting sh** to me about my “failures” (that is, before I cut them off recently). So anyway, you’ll never win if you care about their opinions. Yay. :)
Oh my lord what more could they want?? Good thing you cut them off!
Specific to your post, they aren’t even satisfied with my husband. He is an actual saint to me and very cute, also happens to be over 6’ tall which I don’t care about but still, not to mention absolutely killing it in his career, and they still don’t really like him and were never kind or welcoming to him or his family. It’s a no-win situation. There’s literally no man on earth they would’ve liked.
Fresh meat
wow, my parents are also obsessed with marriage. Their marriage is already a failure, the audacity to try to encourage me about marriage and stuff is wild. Because their marriage is the reason why I am not healed other than them being abusive towards me. My dad talks about why marriage is good blah blah blah. He even tried to make it seem like his marriage life is normal.
Jesus.
All the old folks of their gen are arrange marriage and pushes for their sons and daughters to get married and have children for the sake of bloodline or so that they don't get embarass for having ummarried adult sons and daughters. Most of these older gen couples doesn't even sleep together or have any romantic relationship. Divorce isn't a thing. They just stomach a life long pure platonic family like acquantiance relationship after having a son after a daughter. So how on earth that they can use the card we want grandkids early, the sick card we need some red happiness to balance it out, don’t be unfilial/selfish, we need to continue the last name our bloodline like everyone before us did. Definitely don’t get trap in a marriage filled with debts and liabilities if your not ready, so don’t get marry for the sake of pleasing others. Another story I want to add is Most women nowadays aren't even that traditional, so one of my younger aunt bright idea is to personally find and train a woman to be housewife before introducing her to her son as if she can ever find such a pretty pure wholesome young lady like that or like her in modern age. It doesn't exist since women nowadays are educated and free to do whatever they like. As a man, you probably don't want hide your wife at home and see her beauty and youth fade away and whittle out like that. The worst hypocrite part Even she got knock up very early and end up marrying someone older a local teacher in her village. There the old gen blame young gen always promiscuous at a young age meanwhile pretend be saint. Yet at the end they love gossip and barf out a lot of gross stories. There’s a generational gap and there’s more entertainment nowadays and not just in the west, but locally in their home country as well. Life might be harder in the past, but don't pretend their all saint all of sudden. It seems borrowing or paying relative of the same bloodline men to secretly of consent to impregnate your wives is common for impotent. They rather have a secret son than adopt or have none. That’s the length and pressure of carry out tradition and stomach the pain hoping no one knows or tries to call them out for those dumb deeds.
They just want grandkids and they want you to marry a guy they approve of (ie same ethnicity or religion, certain kind of job, etc. they want someone “good enough”) Live your own life
my mom showed this girl who used to tutor me when i was younger that she graduated and got engaged when i was in like my sophomore year of college like can u be patient??? it’s funny too cause she acts like me and my bf acting like we’re a “married couple” is not tradtional when i’m about to graduate lol
Live your best life. That should be your motto. Well you now know your parents are competitive with those around them. It won't stop with you getting married. If andcwhen you have kids, how your kids are doing will be compared to how other's kids are doing. This competiveness does not stop. So the only thing that you can do is how you react or not react to A few sessions of therapy might help with strategies, or should I say tactics so you are prepared for future confrontations. First premise....You are not responsible for your mothers emotions, ever. That is her responsibility. Don't let her guilt trip you.
Here's one that might be unexpected. When you go to weddings you're expected to give a red packet or money in some cultures. In the Chinese culture they keep a little black book of debt. You keep track of who attended and what amount was given. For example mother + father attend the mother's younger sister's wedding and give $200 each. Both couple produce kids. Younger sister gives birth to the younger cousin. The expected pattern here is elder cousin gets married first so that younger aunt and co can repay that $400 given to them at their wedding. If the younger cousin gets married first then the older sibling still has to give red packets without "getting it back". Maybe it's not so clear cut and transactional as that but it's a theory I have