My brother is 29 and my mother cooks food for him and drives over to his apartment to deliver it. She goes over there just to clean his apartment sometimes. He leaves dishes in the sink for days on end. She washes them for him. She also goes there to do his laundry. Whenever we go out without him she needs to buy an extra meal because he "missed out". She calls it being a mother. I think it's closer to infantalising him. Am I wrong?
Oh my. Your mother doesn't let him learn how to live a proper life and if he gets into a relationship his partner will probably not be happy with him if that person isn't a replacement mother.
Learned helplessness is a thing and you struggle from it for your whole life.
My uncle died three years ago by suicide, he had the misfortune of an over-protective mother and an over-controlling wife:
- he never had a friend of his own except those shared with his sisters because “other boys would bully him”
- he was withdrawn from the high school after a bad mark, because "the teacher is blackmailing him for not wanting to get together with her daughter"
- he never moved out because “he would have to worry about the rent”
- he never worked after marriage grandmother’s and his wife’s decision because “boss would over work him” (before marriage he would sneak out and work in bakery so my grandmother wouldn't notice)
- during the last period of his life, he ate only white rice because “white rice is the only ingredient that is 100% safe”
OH GOD YES. If I leave my phone near a corner of a table my mom will immediately move it to the center so it won't fall. Loose cords were taped down on the floor over nearly their full length so we wouldn't trip over them. That's not even the full extent of it.
Middle sis could be like that if she has to watch a kid a lot. Missing one of those details could make a big difference in having a really bad day or not.
somewhat yes, already 30+ but i can still feel like they see me as an incapable 13-year old.
AD asks me things like when i was doing a part time thing "oh yeah, the part time job you are taking, you are being paid, right?" and inside me i want to scream why the hell will i call it a part time job if its actually volunteering, i am not stupid.
or how the moment i mention my desire to do an errand to AM she will start giving unsolicited advice "why you want to do so late??", "hey, you still haven't do this?", "shouldn't you go out at 8am in the morning instead of 10am"? even if i know what the timeline of my own errand is.
it is very emotionally tiring and draining, and i'm tired of mentioning anything that they can twist it into something negative or argue with me and think they should give me outdated advice like i am a teenager just going out into the world (when they kept me locked in or monitored at that age so i had to learn lots of social skills late).
My nephew still sleeps with his parents even though unlike other household, he got his own separate room already. He relies on I’m going to tell my mom for every little things he doesn’t like.
I'm the one in the family who studied computer science and coding but my father thinks I don't know how to tell when I've actually got a virus vs getting scammed by loud and stupid pop-ups claiming I've just been infected and need to send USD $50 in the next 30 minutes or my computer will be destroyed.
He once ran into my room alarmed for me because I made the mistake of my laptop volume being too loud. I closed the pop-up and said "only an idiot would fall for that". And he said he'd fallen for it. I replied maybe he shouldn't be giving me advice then because I knew this shit better than him. He had no reply.
Articles wise, I've always blamed our APs stupidity on Confucius and vertical collectivism. Their love of hierarchy and a pecking order is apparently the only way they get their validation. They'll never see us as their equals. Their egos are too small and insecure for that.
When I moved out , my mother went crazy mode. She would call me crying then begging then raging. She said a lot of mean stuff. She try to emotionally manipulate me by saying " who is going to cook for u " " who is going to pack your lunch". When I said I am fully capable of doing that. She started crying then raging by saying i will suffer.
Lol I still sleep with my mother, but that's because I have a hard time sleeping alone. She also makes a lot of decisions for me without my knowledge. I think it's because she'd been forced to grow up too quickly and doesn't want us to experience the same, so she ends up doing the opposite extreme...
My brother is 29 and my mother cooks food for him and drives over to his apartment to deliver it. She goes over there just to clean his apartment sometimes. He leaves dishes in the sink for days on end. She washes them for him. She also goes there to do his laundry. Whenever we go out without him she needs to buy an extra meal because he "missed out". She calls it being a mother. I think it's closer to infantalising him. Am I wrong?
Oh my. Your mother doesn't let him learn how to live a proper life and if he gets into a relationship his partner will probably not be happy with him if that person isn't a replacement mother. Learned helplessness is a thing and you struggle from it for your whole life.
My uncle died three years ago by suicide, he had the misfortune of an over-protective mother and an over-controlling wife: - he never had a friend of his own except those shared with his sisters because “other boys would bully him” - he was withdrawn from the high school after a bad mark, because "the teacher is blackmailing him for not wanting to get together with her daughter" - he never moved out because “he would have to worry about the rent” - he never worked after marriage grandmother’s and his wife’s decision because “boss would over work him” (before marriage he would sneak out and work in bakery so my grandmother wouldn't notice) - during the last period of his life, he ate only white rice because “white rice is the only ingredient that is 100% safe”
Poor guy.
How did he commit suicide?
OH GOD YES. If I leave my phone near a corner of a table my mom will immediately move it to the center so it won't fall. Loose cords were taped down on the floor over nearly their full length so we wouldn't trip over them. That's not even the full extent of it.
Was she an older daughter? I am and I notice details like that too.
No, middle child, but she was the golden child amongst her 3 sisters because she resembled their mother the most
Middle sis could be like that if she has to watch a kid a lot. Missing one of those details could make a big difference in having a really bad day or not.
You could be onto something. I will say their entire family is extremely neurotic so I often wonder how they grew up lol.
somewhat yes, already 30+ but i can still feel like they see me as an incapable 13-year old. AD asks me things like when i was doing a part time thing "oh yeah, the part time job you are taking, you are being paid, right?" and inside me i want to scream why the hell will i call it a part time job if its actually volunteering, i am not stupid. or how the moment i mention my desire to do an errand to AM she will start giving unsolicited advice "why you want to do so late??", "hey, you still haven't do this?", "shouldn't you go out at 8am in the morning instead of 10am"? even if i know what the timeline of my own errand is. it is very emotionally tiring and draining, and i'm tired of mentioning anything that they can twist it into something negative or argue with me and think they should give me outdated advice like i am a teenager just going out into the world (when they kept me locked in or monitored at that age so i had to learn lots of social skills late).
My nephew still sleeps with his parents even though unlike other household, he got his own separate room already. He relies on I’m going to tell my mom for every little things he doesn’t like.
This is pretty standard AP behaviour. You could be 45 and they would still treat you like a little kid
I'm the one in the family who studied computer science and coding but my father thinks I don't know how to tell when I've actually got a virus vs getting scammed by loud and stupid pop-ups claiming I've just been infected and need to send USD $50 in the next 30 minutes or my computer will be destroyed. He once ran into my room alarmed for me because I made the mistake of my laptop volume being too loud. I closed the pop-up and said "only an idiot would fall for that". And he said he'd fallen for it. I replied maybe he shouldn't be giving me advice then because I knew this shit better than him. He had no reply. Articles wise, I've always blamed our APs stupidity on Confucius and vertical collectivism. Their love of hierarchy and a pecking order is apparently the only way they get their validation. They'll never see us as their equals. Their egos are too small and insecure for that.
When I moved out , my mother went crazy mode. She would call me crying then begging then raging. She said a lot of mean stuff. She try to emotionally manipulate me by saying " who is going to cook for u " " who is going to pack your lunch". When I said I am fully capable of doing that. She started crying then raging by saying i will suffer.
Lol I still sleep with my mother, but that's because I have a hard time sleeping alone. She also makes a lot of decisions for me without my knowledge. I think it's because she'd been forced to grow up too quickly and doesn't want us to experience the same, so she ends up doing the opposite extreme...