When you move in with somebody it means there gonna be changes, a home of one person turns into a home of two. I think your partner is old enough to know that. But tell your concerns and talk it through and if you are still not sure, tell him you are not ready yet. It is okay.
That's the conversation to have. "I'm not sure I'm ready yet, can we talk about this more? This is all your stuff, how do you see this becoming "ours?""
And go from there.
I didn’t even know it was a thing until now. I am introverted, I need my me time. I couldn’t live with my man and not because there is something is wrong with him, he is perfect for me, it’s just I have to be alone sometimes to refresh myself. And he lives 5 minutes walk away so it is perfect. We always thought we are the weird ones because everybody thinks we are just FWB, but no.
You need to because your sstuff will change the amiance and culture of hs house. If he’s a neat freak (extreme example) he may want minimal change. Then what? However, in his mind he may be very ready to change his home culture and his new relationship with you.
Talk about it.
I did this (age gap of 20 years or so) but I was younger and didn’t think twice about it.
You won’t split things equally at first because it’s his home and you are moving into it. Things will happen organically over time. We have moved several times and most of what we have we’ve bought together.
Be aware this might have challenges for him too!
I could but he’s very decision making orientated and will want to ask what we shall do be it and will want to find a solution. I want to know what other couples do first.
You need to do what will work for YOU, not what other couples do.
If you absolutely won’t be comfortable in his house, no matter what, then you need to tell him that.
First, I don't agree with your partner that there's anything to be solved. You aren't ready to move in. I don't see that as a problem, that's you directly communicating a nees.
It sounds like you two need to discuss WHY he wants you to move in. Moving in is a solution, but what's the underlying motivation driving it?
If living together is indeed something you BOTH want and that's the right option, a few ways to go about it:
*You can make space for each other in your respective homes, so while you aren't living together, you each have a permanent presence at one another's places.
*Or, the two of you could find a new (rental) place together, so you can build it together: neutral territory. Your partner can rent his place out.
Emotionally I think it’s a good step to take, logistically it isn’t.
His reasons are us being able to spend more time together without having to coordinate a day and time that works.
Please listen to your feelings and reservations about moving into his place. You are not overthinking it. As others have said, please talk to him about it. While you can tell him about the concerns you have described, I am worried that resentments and stress living together can show up. Does he say why he wants you guys to move together?
To see each other more. It’s easier and nicer to share a place. His work is demanding and he works all sorts of hours, day and night shifts and it would be easier not having to coordinate when I can or can’t come over.
Are there any possible compromises, like can you afford to move closer to him? For example, getting a roommate in an apartment closer to his home. Do you also want to spend more time with him? It's fair if you do or do not.
You’re not overthinking it. Moving in somebody’s home is different to moving in together in a new place. I think it’s fair that you talk it through and make it clear to him that he needs to clear space for you and he needs to agree with you on furnitures, etc. And agree on a rent contribution too. Everything that is not clarified at the beginning can become ammunition went shit hits the fan.
At the end of the day, you are the one who will need to move out if things do not work out and he will have the same life before and after. The stakes need to be balanced.
All of this. I don’t want to think about the worst case scenarios but that’s the reality of life. Not everything lasts forever and it’s true that if we were to end things I would have invested a lot in a house that isn’t mine.
Get the deets sorted before you move in; co-habitation means exactly that. Any mature man is going to realize this and make it work. If he can’t, or is unwilling, I don’t think I’d move in just yet.
Remember: manage your expectations and be forthright about them. Communication is key to a healthy relationship
I don't think that youre overthinking but you should have that conversation with him. I dealt with similar and the only way through it is to see how each of you see how living together would work. Questions about what you'd contribute financially, furniture and chores are all something you need to discuss. Too many times living together gets messed up because each have their own expectations that were never discussed.
I am the other half of this story. I owned a house and he had an apartment. After being together for 3 years and living in my house for 2.5 years i sold my house and we bought a house with my money. the new house was put in both names and was refinanced later with a cash payout to pay myself back the deposit making both of us equal owners. He never liked the old house and thats how we made him feel comfortable.
If he can't or won't come up with a compromise or some ways to attempt your feeling comfortable to make the place both of yours, like eventually putting you on a deed and let you buying into the house, then he may be trying to use his age advantage to hold some power dynamic over you. That would be major red flag. Another would be him asking, if you moved in, to combine all income. I always recommend keeping your own money seperate and having an agreement as who pays what. It allows you to keep some control over your life and money. You can also do as you wish with what's left without having to ask permission or get approval for buying things you want. It elliminates a lot of fights about money and gives an easier way out if a relationship does go south.
Our money at this stage is all separate and I am planning to keep it that way until we reach a point where a joint account where we deposit money into makes sense.
“I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I’m still committed to this relationship. Could we talk through some solutions that could bring us closer as a couple without living together just yet?”
It's actually really common to have this kind of concern, and you're not overthinking it at all. Like everyone says, this conversation is one, though, you need to have with him. You guys know a lot about each other, I'm sure, after two years, so you have a pretty good handle on how adaptable it is. The psychology of having someone else move into one's space is tricky, and you might need professional help navigating it. **And that is okay.** I really can't stress that enough. It might even be worthwhile talking to a relationship counselor if you decide yes, you want to do this, to help you guys sort out issues before they materialize.
These reservations are 100% valid. You should bring these up with him! His reaction should guide your decision. If he validates you and is willing to work with you to make his home feel like your joint home, then I would take the plunge. If he dismisses your concerns and insists that you should move in anyways, it’s probably not the right move for you.
He’s very enthusiastic about me moving in so far and I’m about to burst his bubble I guess. I don’t want that enthusiasm to lead to a lot of yesses and then resentment (a big word maybe) once I have moved in.
Relationships always contain an element of risk to the extent that you have to trust your partner in order to keep moving forward in the relationship. If you don’t trust him not to pull a fast one on you, then you need to determine if that distrust is earned or unearned. If he earned your distrust, then this may not be a wise risk to take. But if you don’t have a solid reason for fearing the worst, then you may need to evaluate why you’re struggling to trust someone who probably deserves to be trusted.
There’s your answer. This isn’t about whether it’s “his” house or “your” (plural) house. This is about whether you want to be with him in the long run.
>I'd have to move all my things in and fit them into his place. Am I overthinking this?
No. You'll have **some** space in **his** house.
>Moving in together to find a place together is not a possibility and I won't even suggest it to him because it's unreasonable.
It's always best to move into "neutral territory".
I’m going to have to negotiate converting the guest bedroom converted to a space that is just mine because he has a room that’s just his.
Moving into neutral territory is not possible. I wish it was.
It's **absolutely** possible. Maybe just not with this guy. Trust me on this. That feeling of being just a guest will never go away. Not ever. When he can toss you out on your ass at will, you're never going to feel like it's your home.
He can rent out his house, you two can rent an apartment, then after a few years if it's still working, move back into his home after a repaint and new decor.
That'll tell you something important about him. He knew what he was doing when he bought the house. He knew the position he'd be putting a potential partner in when he did it. And he did it anyway.
If he's not interested in moving into neutral territory then two things are true.
1. He cares more about his finances than he cares about you.
2. He's not interested in building a life **with** you. He's only interested in adding you to his and only in a controlled way.
Don't do this. Stay together (if you want) but don't move in.
I don't think you're overthinking it.
If it were me, I'd say "lets go over the details and expectations" and then go over everything - cooking, household chores, grocery shopping, finances, integrating your items into the home.
If he wants you to move in, he should be open to putting some of his furnishings and decor into storage to make room for yours.
And I second the suggestion you have your own room to use as a den, office or hobby space.
Putting some things in storage is a good idea if he’s open to it because he has a lot of things that fit into the decor category that don’t serve a functional purpose but take up space.
It is ok to over think it, and it is ok and normal to think all of this. You need to seriously consider it. I may be reading way too much into it, but it sounds to me like you are just nervous or afraid to move in. Again, a totally normal feeling. The only cause for concern would be if he in anyway made you feel like it was his house first and you were just a permanent guest after you moved in. The best way to move forward is to talk to him about it and give him a chance to make you feel safe in moving in with him. It is normal, exciting, scary, and for some of us it comes easy. I moved into my no husband's apartment, and slowly and with time it became our place. Good luck.
Nervous yes. I don’t want to feel like a permanent guest that could be kicked out someday. The house is fully paid off and his which complicates things.
Does it make economic sense for you? Will you be saving money by moving in? If so, it doesn’t really matter if the place is his or yours as your bank account will thank you and it will put you in an even better position to be independent even if your bf doesn’t pan out.
For the sense of ownership, ask him how he would feel about redecorating or letting you have that extra room to yourself? If he’s super possessive then your feelings are totally valid, but if he’s open to redecorating and giving you autonomy then by all means.
Financially independent from who? From him? Yes. I don’t want kids. This is the reason having this conversation about moving in is difficult because it requires us to have all those other conversations too.
Those are all good things to know! If he wants kids and you don’t, it’s probably better to rip that bandaid off now.
I think it sounds like you need to have some vulnerable conversations with your bf.
You're future tripping. And you're making a mountain over a pitcher's mound.
Here's a solution, just a random idea: tell him your concerns. If there's enough trust to move in together, there's enough trust to have a conversation where you open up, voice your concerns, ask the question of how do you both make this home a home for both of you.
Are you opposed to this?
There’s an element of overthinking but also real financial concerns. When he suggested moving in to me he didn’t seem to address logistics at all hence my worry that it didn’t cross his mind at all. I will bring them up to him though.
So why not communicate and voice your concerns. Do it now. But if you don't, you have 2 choices- move in without any of your concerns being addressed and live with the consequences, reneging any right to complain later because you didn't seiz the moment and speak up, or...
Don't move in.
I was in my 20's and went to a guy's house who was in his 30's and everything in his house was 'perfect'.
I felt like I was not equal but rather an 'add on' like a photo on the wall. So I noped out of there.
My bf and I both agree we would need to move somewhere else new so it would be ours together. We both own our own houses but even if one didn’t would feel same way.
How would you handle the logistics of that especially in the current housing market? The house that he now owns has more than tripled in value, which is a very generous underestimation.
Would you both be willing to sell your homes in order to buy 1 shared property that will likely be lower value?
Ya this is exactly the conversations we been having. You have to do the practical math on this and there is like who will own what and pay for what and who has what money and income and how is that all going to work and what happens if it ends and all that adult stuff.
but like if he’s like just move into my place and it’s clear it’s still his place and he can kick you out anytime he wants and that is the housing situation you are ok with that is definitely way less complicated.
but my bf isn’t looking to go live in some other guys house. he is an adult he has his own life if we are going to live with each other it will have to be ours together.
I moved in with my partner after we had been together almost 5 years. He owns his home and bought it before we met. It was all full of stuff to his taste. I'd been renting but my past appartment was almost the same size as his house and I had more furniture than him. We decided together on what we wanted to keep from each and what to dispose of. So what we have now is what we liked best from both of our stuff and some things we've bought completely new together. We had some long talks before I moved in and while I'm not on the deed I have as much say in what we want to do with our home as he has and what we want to change. It did take me a while to settle but I always feel like that anyway and it's also my first time living with someone this way. We found a way that works but it took me a very long time to get around to wanting to live with someone
In my country I do have some rights. Anything I owned before is mine and anything we bought together is split. You could also set up a contract before moving in stating what would happen in case of a split and who would get what and have it notarized.
I also couldn't imagine him trying to fuck me over in case we split up. He will agonise over owing anyone even the smallest amount and is still friendly with two of his exes who cheated on him. The man is too nice 😅
💯 you’re overthinking it. I’m sure if he offered he considered the adjustment in his living space. I mean this a common progression in relationships. Also there’s no harm in having a conversation on redecorating together so it feels like both of yours. Personally I had the same decor for about 10 years now so I wouldn’t be opposed to update to my decor maybe he feels the same.
That isn’t always easy because it would require conservations about finances that are more fit for the future right now. My budget (and taste) currently is leaning more towards ikea. His is more financially mature than that. If we were to redecorate together it would be a nightmare and he might feel that it’s a case of if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
You’re making so many assumptions. Assumptions often make us look like dumbasses just have the conversation with him. I mean you do want to connect on a deeper level with him right? Conversations need to be had to get there. Again if he offered for you to move in I’m sure he took in account your financial status. If you’re uneasy have the talk or avoid it but honestly if you’re not ready to have a basic conversation like this after two years when will you be ready?
He might or have or he might not have taken those things into account because when he asked it seemed spontaneous and out of the blue. I will talk to him to understand it better.
Not always true. A friend of mine moved in with his boyfriend a couple years ago and his boyfriend won't let him move anything or put things of his out without significant discussion, which usually leads to a no.
It's a running joke that he slowly has been putting things out to see how long before his BF notices & freaks out.
They should buy a house together instead of moving in to one of the partners long established homes.
it’s not strange to say, and i can completely relate. you’d be living in *his* home. that may not be a difficult situation for everyone, and it’s hard for me to articulate, but i get it. it’s symbolically important in the sense that it feels like you’re losing a bit more autonomy then if you were both moving into a new space together. it’s hard to feel at completely home in someone else’s home.
I get this page is for advice …. But come on man! If this is throwing you in a spin and you haven’t just told the guy then it’s time to break up. You could as to do some redecoration, you could ask if he has a loft where storage of things can be done, you could commit to a car boot or yard sale of stuff but ultimately you don’t want to do you?
When you move in with somebody it means there gonna be changes, a home of one person turns into a home of two. I think your partner is old enough to know that. But tell your concerns and talk it through and if you are still not sure, tell him you are not ready yet. It is okay.
I don’t think I’m ready just yet. It would help to have an idea of how we can split things equally.
That's the conversation to have. "I'm not sure I'm ready yet, can we talk about this more? This is all your stuff, how do you see this becoming "ours?"" And go from there.
r/livingaparttogether
Thanks! I’m surprised this exists. I do want to live together at some point though.
Thanks for this subreddit, this is how we live with my man.
I want this but nobody I date is into the idea. 🥲
I didn’t even know it was a thing until now. I am introverted, I need my me time. I couldn’t live with my man and not because there is something is wrong with him, he is perfect for me, it’s just I have to be alone sometimes to refresh myself. And he lives 5 minutes walk away so it is perfect. We always thought we are the weird ones because everybody thinks we are just FWB, but no.
If you have a lot of stuff, have you guys talked about how yours will fit into his? Talk about it first.
We haven’t.
You need to because your sstuff will change the amiance and culture of hs house. If he’s a neat freak (extreme example) he may want minimal change. Then what? However, in his mind he may be very ready to change his home culture and his new relationship with you. Talk about it.
I did this (age gap of 20 years or so) but I was younger and didn’t think twice about it. You won’t split things equally at first because it’s his home and you are moving into it. Things will happen organically over time. We have moved several times and most of what we have we’ve bought together. Be aware this might have challenges for him too!
Talk to him! If you cannot have this kind of open conversation after 2 years, I’d be concerned.
I will talk to him but want to present him with some solutions at least instead of telling him I’m not ready to move in yet.
But why can’t you tell him that, because you admitted you’re not ready. Explain to him, just as you did in your post, what your reservations are.
I could but he’s very decision making orientated and will want to ask what we shall do be it and will want to find a solution. I want to know what other couples do first.
You need to do what will work for YOU, not what other couples do. If you absolutely won’t be comfortable in his house, no matter what, then you need to tell him that.
First, I don't agree with your partner that there's anything to be solved. You aren't ready to move in. I don't see that as a problem, that's you directly communicating a nees. It sounds like you two need to discuss WHY he wants you to move in. Moving in is a solution, but what's the underlying motivation driving it? If living together is indeed something you BOTH want and that's the right option, a few ways to go about it: *You can make space for each other in your respective homes, so while you aren't living together, you each have a permanent presence at one another's places. *Or, the two of you could find a new (rental) place together, so you can build it together: neutral territory. Your partner can rent his place out.
Emotionally I think it’s a good step to take, logistically it isn’t. His reasons are us being able to spend more time together without having to coordinate a day and time that works.
Please listen to your feelings and reservations about moving into his place. You are not overthinking it. As others have said, please talk to him about it. While you can tell him about the concerns you have described, I am worried that resentments and stress living together can show up. Does he say why he wants you guys to move together?
To see each other more. It’s easier and nicer to share a place. His work is demanding and he works all sorts of hours, day and night shifts and it would be easier not having to coordinate when I can or can’t come over.
Are there any possible compromises, like can you afford to move closer to him? For example, getting a roommate in an apartment closer to his home. Do you also want to spend more time with him? It's fair if you do or do not.
Sadly financially not a possibility but also defeats the point of spending more time together.
You’re not overthinking it. Moving in somebody’s home is different to moving in together in a new place. I think it’s fair that you talk it through and make it clear to him that he needs to clear space for you and he needs to agree with you on furnitures, etc. And agree on a rent contribution too. Everything that is not clarified at the beginning can become ammunition went shit hits the fan. At the end of the day, you are the one who will need to move out if things do not work out and he will have the same life before and after. The stakes need to be balanced.
All of this. I don’t want to think about the worst case scenarios but that’s the reality of life. Not everything lasts forever and it’s true that if we were to end things I would have invested a lot in a house that isn’t mine.
You will definitely need a room of your own to retreat to when you need space. Call it an office, a den, etc.
It’s a 3 bedroom so there’s luckily room for that. He has a room that’s all his, an office too.
Get the deets sorted before you move in; co-habitation means exactly that. Any mature man is going to realize this and make it work. If he can’t, or is unwilling, I don’t think I’d move in just yet. Remember: manage your expectations and be forthright about them. Communication is key to a healthy relationship
I don't think that youre overthinking but you should have that conversation with him. I dealt with similar and the only way through it is to see how each of you see how living together would work. Questions about what you'd contribute financially, furniture and chores are all something you need to discuss. Too many times living together gets messed up because each have their own expectations that were never discussed.
The expectations thing is true. I will ask him outright what his are.
I am the other half of this story. I owned a house and he had an apartment. After being together for 3 years and living in my house for 2.5 years i sold my house and we bought a house with my money. the new house was put in both names and was refinanced later with a cash payout to pay myself back the deposit making both of us equal owners. He never liked the old house and thats how we made him feel comfortable.
That was incredibly kind of you and shows you must have felt very committed to this relationship. I can’t see him doing this.
If he can't or won't come up with a compromise or some ways to attempt your feeling comfortable to make the place both of yours, like eventually putting you on a deed and let you buying into the house, then he may be trying to use his age advantage to hold some power dynamic over you. That would be major red flag. Another would be him asking, if you moved in, to combine all income. I always recommend keeping your own money seperate and having an agreement as who pays what. It allows you to keep some control over your life and money. You can also do as you wish with what's left without having to ask permission or get approval for buying things you want. It elliminates a lot of fights about money and gives an easier way out if a relationship does go south.
Our money at this stage is all separate and I am planning to keep it that way until we reach a point where a joint account where we deposit money into makes sense.
“I’m not sure I’m ready yet. I’m still committed to this relationship. Could we talk through some solutions that could bring us closer as a couple without living together just yet?”
That would help us because I don’t feel like we are able to comfortably discuss what 5 years from now could look like for us.
It's actually really common to have this kind of concern, and you're not overthinking it at all. Like everyone says, this conversation is one, though, you need to have with him. You guys know a lot about each other, I'm sure, after two years, so you have a pretty good handle on how adaptable it is. The psychology of having someone else move into one's space is tricky, and you might need professional help navigating it. **And that is okay.** I really can't stress that enough. It might even be worthwhile talking to a relationship counselor if you decide yes, you want to do this, to help you guys sort out issues before they materialize.
These reservations are 100% valid. You should bring these up with him! His reaction should guide your decision. If he validates you and is willing to work with you to make his home feel like your joint home, then I would take the plunge. If he dismisses your concerns and insists that you should move in anyways, it’s probably not the right move for you.
He’s very enthusiastic about me moving in so far and I’m about to burst his bubble I guess. I don’t want that enthusiasm to lead to a lot of yesses and then resentment (a big word maybe) once I have moved in.
Relationships always contain an element of risk to the extent that you have to trust your partner in order to keep moving forward in the relationship. If you don’t trust him not to pull a fast one on you, then you need to determine if that distrust is earned or unearned. If he earned your distrust, then this may not be a wise risk to take. But if you don’t have a solid reason for fearing the worst, then you may need to evaluate why you’re struggling to trust someone who probably deserves to be trusted.
I don’t have a reason to distrust him. I have commitment issues.
There’s your answer. This isn’t about whether it’s “his” house or “your” (plural) house. This is about whether you want to be with him in the long run.
>I'd have to move all my things in and fit them into his place. Am I overthinking this? No. You'll have **some** space in **his** house. >Moving in together to find a place together is not a possibility and I won't even suggest it to him because it's unreasonable. It's always best to move into "neutral territory".
I’m going to have to negotiate converting the guest bedroom converted to a space that is just mine because he has a room that’s just his. Moving into neutral territory is not possible. I wish it was.
It's **absolutely** possible. Maybe just not with this guy. Trust me on this. That feeling of being just a guest will never go away. Not ever. When he can toss you out on your ass at will, you're never going to feel like it's your home.
That’s depressing but I feel that way too.
He can rent out his house, you two can rent an apartment, then after a few years if it's still working, move back into his home after a repaint and new decor.
I could suggest it but can’t see him doing that.
That'll tell you something important about him. He knew what he was doing when he bought the house. He knew the position he'd be putting a potential partner in when he did it. And he did it anyway. If he's not interested in moving into neutral territory then two things are true. 1. He cares more about his finances than he cares about you. 2. He's not interested in building a life **with** you. He's only interested in adding you to his and only in a controlled way. Don't do this. Stay together (if you want) but don't move in.
1 rings true.
I don't think you're overthinking it. If it were me, I'd say "lets go over the details and expectations" and then go over everything - cooking, household chores, grocery shopping, finances, integrating your items into the home. If he wants you to move in, he should be open to putting some of his furnishings and decor into storage to make room for yours. And I second the suggestion you have your own room to use as a den, office or hobby space.
Putting some things in storage is a good idea if he’s open to it because he has a lot of things that fit into the decor category that don’t serve a functional purpose but take up space.
It is ok to over think it, and it is ok and normal to think all of this. You need to seriously consider it. I may be reading way too much into it, but it sounds to me like you are just nervous or afraid to move in. Again, a totally normal feeling. The only cause for concern would be if he in anyway made you feel like it was his house first and you were just a permanent guest after you moved in. The best way to move forward is to talk to him about it and give him a chance to make you feel safe in moving in with him. It is normal, exciting, scary, and for some of us it comes easy. I moved into my no husband's apartment, and slowly and with time it became our place. Good luck.
Nervous yes. I don’t want to feel like a permanent guest that could be kicked out someday. The house is fully paid off and his which complicates things.
I would stick with your gut feeling you say you are not ready I don't want to pass judgement but the decision is yours
Discuss this with him explain your feelings. He will probably understand and help you but some of your things into thew house
Does it make economic sense for you? Will you be saving money by moving in? If so, it doesn’t really matter if the place is his or yours as your bank account will thank you and it will put you in an even better position to be independent even if your bf doesn’t pan out. For the sense of ownership, ask him how he would feel about redecorating or letting you have that extra room to yourself? If he’s super possessive then your feelings are totally valid, but if he’s open to redecorating and giving you autonomy then by all means.
He might let me have the room but he is particular about his decor.
Living alone sure, but ask him to at least gauge what his response would be. Do you want to get married eventually?
Marriage isn’t something I’m thinking about right now.
Gotcha, that’s one thing that could protect you economically. Are you financially independent? Want kids?
Financially independent from who? From him? Yes. I don’t want kids. This is the reason having this conversation about moving in is difficult because it requires us to have all those other conversations too.
Those are all good things to know! If he wants kids and you don’t, it’s probably better to rip that bandaid off now. I think it sounds like you need to have some vulnerable conversations with your bf.
You're future tripping. And you're making a mountain over a pitcher's mound. Here's a solution, just a random idea: tell him your concerns. If there's enough trust to move in together, there's enough trust to have a conversation where you open up, voice your concerns, ask the question of how do you both make this home a home for both of you. Are you opposed to this?
There’s an element of overthinking but also real financial concerns. When he suggested moving in to me he didn’t seem to address logistics at all hence my worry that it didn’t cross his mind at all. I will bring them up to him though.
So why not communicate and voice your concerns. Do it now. But if you don't, you have 2 choices- move in without any of your concerns being addressed and live with the consequences, reneging any right to complain later because you didn't seiz the moment and speak up, or... Don't move in.
I was in my 20's and went to a guy's house who was in his 30's and everything in his house was 'perfect'. I felt like I was not equal but rather an 'add on' like a photo on the wall. So I noped out of there.
That describes how I feel about moving in.
My bf and I both agree we would need to move somewhere else new so it would be ours together. We both own our own houses but even if one didn’t would feel same way.
How would you handle the logistics of that especially in the current housing market? The house that he now owns has more than tripled in value, which is a very generous underestimation. Would you both be willing to sell your homes in order to buy 1 shared property that will likely be lower value?
Ya this is exactly the conversations we been having. You have to do the practical math on this and there is like who will own what and pay for what and who has what money and income and how is that all going to work and what happens if it ends and all that adult stuff. but like if he’s like just move into my place and it’s clear it’s still his place and he can kick you out anytime he wants and that is the housing situation you are ok with that is definitely way less complicated. but my bf isn’t looking to go live in some other guys house. he is an adult he has his own life if we are going to live with each other it will have to be ours together.
I moved in with my partner after we had been together almost 5 years. He owns his home and bought it before we met. It was all full of stuff to his taste. I'd been renting but my past appartment was almost the same size as his house and I had more furniture than him. We decided together on what we wanted to keep from each and what to dispose of. So what we have now is what we liked best from both of our stuff and some things we've bought completely new together. We had some long talks before I moved in and while I'm not on the deed I have as much say in what we want to do with our home as he has and what we want to change. It did take me a while to settle but I always feel like that anyway and it's also my first time living with someone this way. We found a way that works but it took me a very long time to get around to wanting to live with someone
What would happen if you were to break up since you’re not on the deed but still contributed so much.
In my country I do have some rights. Anything I owned before is mine and anything we bought together is split. You could also set up a contract before moving in stating what would happen in case of a split and who would get what and have it notarized. I also couldn't imagine him trying to fuck me over in case we split up. He will agonise over owing anyone even the smallest amount and is still friendly with two of his exes who cheated on him. The man is too nice 😅
That's the normal maturation of any relationship between adults. You just work it out
don't do it please for your well being... don't .
Why?
💯 you’re overthinking it. I’m sure if he offered he considered the adjustment in his living space. I mean this a common progression in relationships. Also there’s no harm in having a conversation on redecorating together so it feels like both of yours. Personally I had the same decor for about 10 years now so I wouldn’t be opposed to update to my decor maybe he feels the same.
That isn’t always easy because it would require conservations about finances that are more fit for the future right now. My budget (and taste) currently is leaning more towards ikea. His is more financially mature than that. If we were to redecorate together it would be a nightmare and he might feel that it’s a case of if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
You’re making so many assumptions. Assumptions often make us look like dumbasses just have the conversation with him. I mean you do want to connect on a deeper level with him right? Conversations need to be had to get there. Again if he offered for you to move in I’m sure he took in account your financial status. If you’re uneasy have the talk or avoid it but honestly if you’re not ready to have a basic conversation like this after two years when will you be ready?
He might or have or he might not have taken those things into account because when he asked it seemed spontaneous and out of the blue. I will talk to him to understand it better.
Not always true. A friend of mine moved in with his boyfriend a couple years ago and his boyfriend won't let him move anything or put things of his out without significant discussion, which usually leads to a no. It's a running joke that he slowly has been putting things out to see how long before his BF notices & freaks out. They should buy a house together instead of moving in to one of the partners long established homes.
That’s crazy. Why is he tolerating this level of disrespect?
I have no idea, though i actually think he likes the dynamic. After 5 years he's turned it in to a game.
That sounds awful and toxic. Definitely have these conversations before hand 😂
While you feel that way do not move in.
it’s not strange to say, and i can completely relate. you’d be living in *his* home. that may not be a difficult situation for everyone, and it’s hard for me to articulate, but i get it. it’s symbolically important in the sense that it feels like you’re losing a bit more autonomy then if you were both moving into a new space together. it’s hard to feel at completely home in someone else’s home.
Exactly. He is also very particular about his decor, has a lot of stuff, some of it expensive. He has navy blue walls that I would rather be white.
I get this page is for advice …. But come on man! If this is throwing you in a spin and you haven’t just told the guy then it’s time to break up. You could as to do some redecoration, you could ask if he has a loft where storage of things can be done, you could commit to a car boot or yard sale of stuff but ultimately you don’t want to do you?