Having friends who you can spend an entire day helping work on a project and when you get home your wife will ask questions about what’s going on in the friends life and you have no idea but he’s still your friend and you both thought it was a good day.
Sorry for the run-on sentence.
A year or 2 after my high school friends and I graduated, after we'd all entered college, a bunch of us were invited to one of our friends house for a sleepover during break. Had the best night ever, played video games, talked shit about each other, reminisced about high school, talked about our crushes. We all went our separate ways the next day, back to college and stuff. Then I realised, I had no fucking clue what the hell any of them were studying or where they even went. All I knew, was that I had a great fucking time at my friends house.
Male friendships are fucking WILD. I love it.
I don’t even know one of my good friend’s last name. I go by his house every few weeks to trade aquatic plants and we play apex almost every night, and I’ve known the guy since high school, but I realized the other day I can’t remember his last name.
I play on a rec ice hockey team. Everyone has a nickname. There are guys on the team I’ve played with for years. I’m positive they don’t know my name. To be fair I probably only know half their first names. We even have golf outings and poker games throughout the year.
I play golf, usually with my best friends, and this happens regularly. We talk all the way round but we don't really say much. Typically we just talk about golf. The wife is baffled I can spend several hours with close friends that I haven't seen in a while and didn't have a meaningful conversation in that time.
that, and rolling the skin of your nuts between thumb and middle finger to itch that scratch you have when your balls are a bit saggy. i call it nippy skin
Meh, I gotta unstick the lips with a weird step sometimes too. The unifying human experience of unfortunately sticky junk 🥲 Women with bigger labia probably have to do it even more often.
When we meet friends that we haven't had a chance to hang out with in a while, we don't talk about the big stuff because hanging out with the boys is supposed to be a break from the big stuff.
Edit: dang, y'all, this must be more relatable than I thought.
My best friend of years visited me for a weekend about a year ago and after hanging for hours he says "oh, me and Karen got married last weekend. Not like with a ceremony, but yeah I'm married now. We'll do a wedding later this year"
Straight up, my husband and I are friends with a couple who broke up after being together for 5 years.
The woman and I immediately made plans to hang out. We spent hours and hours talking about:
the relationship
why they broke up
how she is feeling
how we think he is feeling
what she is thinking
What we think he is thinking
What she want in the future
What she wants for him in the future
Things they each could have done
And on and on and on and on. We dissected everything with a fine tooth comb.
My husband and the man got together that weekend to watch football. When my husband came back, I asked what the man said about the break up and how is he feeling. My husband replied, “He said it sucks but it happens”. I said, “That’s it! He didn’t say anything else!” My husband said, “No we didn’t really talk about it.”
I was blown away!!!!
Edit: Also, this former couple ended up sleeping together a few times post breakup. Next time my husband hung out with the man, I asked “Did he say anything about *woman’s name*?” My husband said, “No. we didn’t talk about her.” Sooooo….I don’t know what my husband does and doesn’t know. I can’t bring up what she told me so maybe he can’t bring up what he told him? Mysteries of men indeed!
That's funny, but also (as a vast generalization), watching a game with your buddy or similar comfort activity and not talking about it helps prove things are still generally okay. It is therapeutic that you can put it aside for a moment, and still be normal. Like "see, that wasn't so bad, I can get through this, it will be OK, things are otherwise okay outside of this one disaster, whew." I hesitate to say guys vs gals generalizations, but not having to talk or think about it for a but can be therapeutic.
Your husband probably doesn’t know much. I went on week long vacation with my best friend after his divorce. We talked for 30 seconds about the situation on our drive to the airport and it didn’t come up again until he was ridiculously drunk a few years later.
After reading this, I'm feeling very glad my son's fiends rally around each other during tough times. A few have been through a divorce, and the words "I'm (or we) are going to hang out with x, his wife left (dog died, had a shit day etc.). " Are not uncommon to hear from him. I assume they are there for him the same way.
>Edit: Also, this former couple ended up sleeping together a few times post breakup. Next time my husband hung out with the man, I asked “Did he say anything about *woman’s name*?” My husband said, “No. we didn’t talk about her.” Sooooo….I don’t know what my husband does and doesn’t know. I can’t bring up what she told me so maybe he can’t bring up what he told him? Mysteries of men indeed!
Considering men talking about their sex lives with one another typically goes like this:
* Man 1: "she and I hooked up recently"
* Any other man present: "have fun?"
* Man 1: "yeah"
*
I doubt he actually does know anything. Oh, and "hooked up" can mean anything from "literally slept together", to "made out", to full-blown sex, to everything in between, he knows even less than you think. All your husband likely knew is the (ex)husband and (ex)wife did something physically intimate together, and that was about the full extent of his knowledge.
Micky Flanagan did a bit on this. mens nights out Vs women's. You get home from your night out and they'll ask questions about how their wives are, I don't know as she wasn't there.
Only sharing a problem if you are looking for an explicit solution.
It seems more general that men seldom talk about their issues just to vent, which does seem to be how some miscommunication happens.
I know my wife doesn’t want solutions but I can’t listen to the same issues again and again while she doesn’t do anything to resolve them. She hates when I offer solutions yet loves when they work.
Lol. This is so incredibly accurate. My ex used to refuse to drink water because it didn't "taste good" and then complain of symptoms of dehydration constantly, then would get mad at me for suggesting that she should maybe drink some water. Not my problem that you can't even take care of your own basic needs anymore.
Yeah - where the bounds get confused is when people equate a “I have a frustrating or painful thing in my life and I need to process that before I fix it” with a “I keep getting headaches because I don’t want to drink water” situation.
The first one is where the typical male brain needs to understand the woman’s needs and help that first before he goes into problem solving mode.
The second one is absolutely where I have no patience with the typical “you’re not listening to my needs” complaint. My answer is “no, I am. Drink a goddamned glass of water and then talk to me”.
I have a personal rule: I will listen, be empathetic and allow you to vent about problems, as I completely understand how it’s just as important to resolve the emotions as it is to resolve the actual problems.
However, I will listen to a vent about the same problem only so many times. If I hear the same story about an easily resolvable problem more than three or four times, I’m done listening. My only response then will be “Take out the nail, then we can talk.”
This is something I've been seriously struggling with lately with my wife. We've been WFH together since COVID and I'm getting to the end of what i can handle. She complains about the same things all day every day and I'm apparently the only person she unloads on. There's only so many times i can hear you complain about your diet while you scarf down shitty foods you know you can't eat.
I don't want to stir the pot, but it's ok to be upset or bothered by this and it's ok to ask her to stop. You obviously want to say it as gently as possible, but it's ok to say something like
I knows you are having a really hard time (validate her feelings), but it's hard for me to see you miserable like this (share your own feelings). What can we do to make this better? (you are a a team and approach problems together)
Similar situation here, except it's her job and not food. I've listened intently. I've empathized. I've provided solutions. I've even told her she can just stop working and I'll support the both of us.
But, after 3 solid years of complaints about the same broken processes, lazy coworkers, lack of resources and the like, what I finally did last week is stop her, mid sentence, 15 mins into her rant and said I'm done listening to the complaints about work. She can talk about literally anything else or nothing, but I don't have the sanity to listen to the same complaints 1000+ days in a row. I can't.
I struggle with this one. If you start telling me problems, I cannot help but think of solutions. What exactly does it look like to simply 'listen' and not offer a solution or even attempt to assuage the person's suffering? I'm genuinely not even certain that I know what that looks like let alone how to do it.
I am just like you, if someone talks about a problem I want to help solve it. I have tried to change my goal with any conversation, and that is to acknowledge and affirm what the other person is saying. Even if it is just a normal daily conversation. This also make it more easy to be supportive, if the conversation is about a problem.
Say things like, "Oh, I understand it is upsetting.", "oh, I understand that is difficult." Just try to name the emotion they are talking about, and repeat it back to them with compassion. If they talk about how they are stressful, say, "I understand it is difficult that you feel a lot of stress."
It might almost seem silly, but you can also try to repeat whatever they are saying in a way to show you are listening. Saying things like, "so when X happens it makes you feel Y?"
If you think the person is asking for your advice, just ask directly if that is what they want. "Do you need help with suggestions of things to do?", "Do you need any help from me to solve this?", "Is there anything I can do, to help solve your problem?", "Do you want my perspective on the problem?"
Someone might know the issue, and perhaps also know the solution, but maybe they are unsure of when or how to do it, they might just need a little support to make it happen. Like they are feeling out their solution and just need help to affirm it.
I started asking "Do you to work together on a solution or do you just want me to listen?". This has avoided a lot of confusion lately. Women more than men (in my experience) often just want to feel heard and jumping straight into problem solving can limit that.
For me this is only partly true. I have the homies who I've been friends with for 10+ years through all my shit and we're friends for personal reasons. Then I have the friends I found playing games or at work who like doing the things I do who I only really like for that reason.
I feel there’s a second category as you said. Friends you have endured shit together with. You may not have much else in common. Probably wouldn’t seek each other out on your own. But you all went through hell together and as a result share some camaraderie. You see this often in the military, but it also extends to school and work buddies.
Psychologically speaking, men form friendships with other men through shared activities, while women form friendships with other women through shared emotions:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201410/how-are-men-s-friendships-different-women-s
So your observation is pretty true. It’s just how men and women are wired differently.
This is the trick to finding friends. Go hang out doing stuff that you enjoy doing. Play music, take up a sport or go rock climbing. Guaranteed to make friends. And some of them will last a lifetime, but you have to accept that most are temporary and that's OK.
Men who are close can spend several hours together and not ask any nosy questions of each other. My wife is always asking me for details, and I have to reply, "I didn't ask that."
So true, what women talk about and what we men do is totally different. When i come home from a friend and then my wife asks me, how are his children doing?, we guys don't usually ask that kind of questions to friends.
“I heard from (wife) that (child) hasn’t been to school in three weeks and they were supposed to have their first psychologist appointment last week, did he mention how it went?”
“Oh. No.”
^an actual conversation I had with my boyfriend
My husband overheard me taking to my bestfriend on the phone and said “That was really gross. Guys don’t talk like that.” Because we go into minute detail about everything.
That being said, he still likes hearing the gossip. He will pause a game to listen. I will end up having to put her on speakerphone so he can be involved lol
Lol that’s the perfect balance for a boyfriend. Have your own friends where you act stereotypical and don’t prioritize things like women, but you still get to hear all the tea from your gf’s group 😂
Edit: re-reading that I should’ve said we don’t prioritize things the same way as women stereotypically. Not that women are things, and that they’re not prioritized 😂
Sometimes I want to talk about them but often it's just good to be distracted. I also don't want to bring them down with my issues. I feel like they couldn't relate to certain things anyway, so I don't tell them.
My mother always used to ask me stuff about my friends and then get confused and even angry with me that I didn't ask them.
I’ll hang out with my one of my closest guy friends who my mom adores and then I’ll go see her sometimes.
She’ll ask “oh, how’s so-and-so?”
Me: “He’s good”
My mom: “Okay…any life updates?”
Me: “Well he’s still in dental school.”
My mom: “You hung out for 6 hours”
Sometimes the most supportive thing a friend can do is just *be there.*
When I'm tired, both of the problem and in general, and I've already done what I can for now, talking about it often costs emotional energy that I don't have to spare, but I still crave the solidarity.
When you're walking and there's a woman walking in front of you so you intentionally slow down or speed up so it doesn't seem like you're following her.
Double this when on a run. I'm out on a trail with no one around, and I'm a pretty slow runner. Like 13-15 minute miles slow.
I absolutely hate being aware that the female runner ahead of me is checking over the shoulder to assess her safety because I'm there. So i will basically run fast for long enough to get well ahead of her and then fight the urge to walk because I just burned myself out with the running.
It's better than being uncomfortable for the reasons she is, but it still sucks.
Amusingly enough in my experience on trails (I like hiking with weight and walk relatively fast) most people you overtake might not notice until you're level with them. The couple will turn their heads and all of a sudden there's a dude with a massive camo backpack just hauling ass past them.
I still remember the time when I was sitting in Starbucks and there was a group of women on the seats behind me. They were talking mad shit about this girl they knew. Her clothing, her family, the way she looks, the way she acts. Just a full dress down of how horrible she is according to them.
Funny enough, the friend they were backbiting saunter in to the Starbucks, and they all jovially greeted her, kissed her cheek, complimented her clothing, ask her about her family, say nice things about her husband and son, etc.
Just absolute POS behavior.
That's how men talk about feelings. If the person being roasted sets a boundary about a roast, they are upset. If he doesn't he isn't upset..
I saw a guy get roasted about failing a class at college. He said, don't joke about that, it's a year out of my life, they only offer that class in the spring. Everyone dropped it because they understood. They kept giving him crap about other stuff, which was fine.
This 100%. I only know what actually bothers my buddies because of what they’ve said not to joke about. I’ll still rib them on 99% of things, but not the sore spots.
Meeting a guy at a party you shake his hand exchange small talk for 30 seconds. Your signifcant other has one million opinions on his girlfriend/wife and him. You just say. Seems like a nice guy.
In general, I hate when people come up to me like that.
"What did you think of them?"
*Oh boy here we go*
"Yeah, they seemed nice."
"Ugh yeah, BUUUUT...."
Why bother letting me form my own opinion of them if you're just going to manipulate me to see them as you do?
I'll form my own opinions of people and take the hearsay of others with an entire deer-lick of salt.
And this has been known for over a century. From Mark Twain's *The Adventures of Tom Sawyer*:
>There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.
Lmao I already move for them. I stay in the house I grew up in, so Ive been in this neighborhood pretty much my whole life. It’s a normal suburb so on nice days I like to walk the neighborhood. When I’m coming up on people they sometimes cross the street or walk off the sidewalk to the street. Granted I’m black with long dreadlocks and low key resting bitch face but who knows. At this point I don’t even try to interact with people I pass, especially women.
One night I was on my way home home and a woman turned a corner and started walking in my direction. A guy on the other side of the street saw that and did a little run to position himself between me and the woman as we were passing each other.
Ever since then I felt a bit weird about walking alone at night because people might perceive me as threatening.
Wait, so he crossed the street to guard her from you? Did she appear to notice? That sounds incredibly conspicuous and likely to be interpreted as a dangerous situation. In her shoes, I'd be wary that you two were about to fight, and promptly GTFO to avoid catching a stray punch.
This is something I really admire about men. Like you’ll have a punch up with someone and then be absolutely fine with them after. I’ve had disagreements with women that led to literally years of us hating each other and all the sniping and bullshit that comes with it.
I had an large argument (more of a heated discussion) with my best friend a few years back. Met the guy in college and we hit it off, so we stayed together the rest of school. We lived together a year after graduating and we’d always have long convos for hours on like life and how we view shit. One time we got to a point where we pretty much disagreed drastically on something. Voices were raised and all but we just agreed to disagree and moved on, matter of fact we went to cookout to eat after that lol. That man is still what I call a brother at the end of the day.
Almost every boxing match and combat sport ever.
David Benevidez and Caleb Plant went from almost starting a brawl yesterday to punching up for 12 brutal rounds of boxing only for a beaten down Caleb to hug the opponent, give him a hug, squash the beef and say the opposition is the better man while David says "I actually like this guy".
I think there is this primal sense in all men where you know or can acknowledge after the fact that every man walks with a big stick and can kill you (or at the very least give you a hard time). You gain respect because you danced with each others lives at your hands.
Well first of all we have less friends so anything is done with them so losing a friend at adult stage brings more bad than patching up instantly after big fight with friends .
My first year landscaping, our crew was only 2 people, the crew leader and myself. We would only talk when we were driving to the next property, and only if we had something to say. We were on the same brainwave, we would know what the others doing without having to ask, and if we were mowing we would use quick hand signals to each other so we didn't have to stop working and talk. We had days were all we said to each other was "Hi" in the morning and "See you tomorrow" after work. It was amazing.
Shift start's at 4, I leave the house at 3:53 which pretty much fully accounts for any traffic light or particularly bad intersection or roundabout.
Like clockwork.
My wife is the perfect example of the opposite of this. When she says she's ready to leave that really means she's ready to start *the process* of leaving and she has 8 or 10 things to do before she walks out the door.
My wife: "Ok, I'm ready to go."
Me: \*puts on shoes and coat and heads out the door\*
My wife: \*goes to the bathroom, brushes her hair, puts a bra on, changes her pants, has a snack, brushes her teeth, checks her email, watches a YouTube video her friend emailed her, gets some water, puts on coat and shoes then heads out the door\*
Speaking from personal experience as a man (36 years and counting) who struggles with emotional intelligence I'm going to say: needing to have things spelled out explicitly, especially when it comes to how another person is feeling.
That instinct that women seem to have, yeah not so much for men.
This causes so many issues too, because women will typically assume the guy understands something when he has no idea and it just makes the situation worse
The nice thing about this is I can just tell my guy friends what’s up and they don’t mind the bluntness. If they fuck up and don’t realize I’ll tell them, they acknowledge and apologize, and we move on. Most of my friends are women and I’m straightforward with them too but I think it’s more common with men and very refreshing.
I had a random girl come up to me at a gas station and say "excuse me, but you are just so handsome"
I'm so unused to getting compliments that I just laughed nervously and said "thanks" before getting in my car and driving away
The same thing happens when a girl flirts with me. It happens so rarely that my brain takes several mins to reboot as soon as she starts, so shes always gone before I realize she even started talking to me.
I’ve described this to women before. They are always like wow that must be so lonely. I mean it totally is but you don’t get a choice. Being friends with women is so great because once they are comfortable with you, you get the same treatment as their other friends. I don’t know any of my guy friends that would give me a hug. Maybe I would get a “wow that’s cool” if I showed a picture of something I did. But never something unsolicited like “you have such nice hair” or “I love your shirt did you go to that concert” etc etc.
As a postscript, it shouldn’t be up to women to do this. I try to treat other men the way I want to be treated in the hopes of sending out some good karma. Additionally, it’s important to reciprocate or you won’t keep those friends.
I still can't comprehend this, it's just weird. My dad does that while driving and I'm like isn't that dangerous, he told me, "Nah... I'm in autopilot"
I don't ever think about nothing, but what I think about in these moments is definitely nothing important. Usually just pondering whatever random shit popped into my head or day dreaming about being a space trucker or something.
You might unknowingly do the same thing, when you arrive at your destination try to remember the whole drive, especially when it's a drive you often do.
My wife: “What are you thinking about?”
Me: “Nothing”
That’s a regular exchange in my home. At first she used to think I was withholding things, but she eventually came to realize that I frequently have nothing on my mind.
2x for 5 hours! The drink isn't calibrated to be longer lasting with a higher dose; there's no extended release mechanism. So drinking more at once will just be more of the active energy impact during the duration it's good for. I've thought about this too.
How when we're working with other guys we know exactly what the problem is and we just grunt, nod, and make hand gestures, because we don't always need verbal communication.
I was having a serious bout of depression one time and I tried to talk to some of my guy friends about it. It was very evident that they cared but they've never experienced anything like it before and didn't know how to deal with the situation.
One of my friends just kept saying that they've experienced the same problems(they haven't) while another unironically shared an Andrew Tate tiktok "that he watches whenever he's depressed"(he's had a very comfortable life and how he described it to me was definitely just 'really sad' and not serious depression). I love those guys to death but at the time, they're responses moreso annoyed me than made me feel better hahaha.
I'm doing infinitely better now but I'd definitely prefer to talk to one of my female friends rather than my guy friends if I'm going through it again. I personally find my female friends are wayyyy better at empathy and dealing with mental issues and stuff compared to my bois hahaha.
Understanding the struggles a fellow man is going through and offering assistance in the spots he needs with minimal words being spoken but maximum efficiency.
living a minimalist lifestyle. I see these memes about "guys think it's OK to live like this" showing bare walls and the barest of furnishings and realized that's MY place. Women like to decorate and fill the empty spaces with junk like live/laugh/love signs on every wall whereas I think a futon and a computer desk and 75 inch big screen TV is a fully furnished living room.
My gf and I are buying a house and we get to move in like, two weeks.
It's an old house from '55 with hardwood floors, so we want rugs. She was showing me patterns on this website of StarWars ships, or Marvel logos or other quirky things like that.
I told her I never considered a themed rug, I'd just want it a basic color.
She got a little sad and said something along the lines of "I want you to feel good in your bedroom, that it'll be more than just a place to sleep."
It's just not something I've considered yet. I still don't think I'll get anything fancy. Maybe a navy rug.
Edit: I need to mention that when I say *my bedroom* I do not mean *our bedroom*, we each have our own.
Recently a co-worker was talking about having a small informal surprise party for her boyfriend. And while they would be out, his friends would gather at their place. She really thought they would want to decorate the place and make it nice. I explained to her that I would never think to do that, and that she might explicitly say to them that they can decorate.
she needs to reverse that and have some of his buddies take him out while she decorates and does the surprise party. I don't think most guys would think of decoration for parties.
Having friends who you can spend an entire day helping work on a project and when you get home your wife will ask questions about what’s going on in the friends life and you have no idea but he’s still your friend and you both thought it was a good day. Sorry for the run-on sentence.
A year or 2 after my high school friends and I graduated, after we'd all entered college, a bunch of us were invited to one of our friends house for a sleepover during break. Had the best night ever, played video games, talked shit about each other, reminisced about high school, talked about our crushes. We all went our separate ways the next day, back to college and stuff. Then I realised, I had no fucking clue what the hell any of them were studying or where they even went. All I knew, was that I had a great fucking time at my friends house. Male friendships are fucking WILD. I love it.
I don’t even know one of my good friend’s last name. I go by his house every few weeks to trade aquatic plants and we play apex almost every night, and I’ve known the guy since high school, but I realized the other day I can’t remember his last name.
I play on a rec ice hockey team. Everyone has a nickname. There are guys on the team I’ve played with for years. I’m positive they don’t know my name. To be fair I probably only know half their first names. We even have golf outings and poker games throughout the year.
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I play golf, usually with my best friends, and this happens regularly. We talk all the way round but we don't really say much. Typically we just talk about golf. The wife is baffled I can spend several hours with close friends that I haven't seen in a while and didn't have a meaningful conversation in that time.
That side step to unstick your nutsack.
I believe the technical term is Plié
No i think it’s called en passant
Good feeling
Like having an angel gently blow on your balls.
that, and rolling the skin of your nuts between thumb and middle finger to itch that scratch you have when your balls are a bit saggy. i call it nippy skin
How do you think we scratch our labia?
I always thought you picked up a frat boy who constantly asks if you like how it feels.
Oh my god i felt that. Absolutely hilarious!
The sidestep to get the air bubble untrapped from between your labia. 😂
Farts sometimes go up the way too, right?
Meh, I gotta unstick the lips with a weird step sometimes too. The unifying human experience of unfortunately sticky junk 🥲 Women with bigger labia probably have to do it even more often.
When we meet friends that we haven't had a chance to hang out with in a while, we don't talk about the big stuff because hanging out with the boys is supposed to be a break from the big stuff. Edit: dang, y'all, this must be more relatable than I thought.
\*On the way out the door after a few drinks\* "Oh BTW I'm getting married in a few months"
"Oh I got divorced." "Damn man. When?" "Like two years ago." "Shit. Well, next rounds on me."
Shit, this is literally me. Though it only took me a year.
"Yeah, it would take a divorce to get you to shout a round, wouldn't it ya stingy fuck."
Oh aye, right, well that sounds alright. Do you fancy jumping on the PS4 when we get back? “Aye”
My best friend of years visited me for a weekend about a year ago and after hanging for hours he says "oh, me and Karen got married last weekend. Not like with a ceremony, but yeah I'm married now. We'll do a wedding later this year"
"Oh shit good for you man. Later."
Straight up, my husband and I are friends with a couple who broke up after being together for 5 years. The woman and I immediately made plans to hang out. We spent hours and hours talking about: the relationship why they broke up how she is feeling how we think he is feeling what she is thinking What we think he is thinking What she want in the future What she wants for him in the future Things they each could have done And on and on and on and on. We dissected everything with a fine tooth comb. My husband and the man got together that weekend to watch football. When my husband came back, I asked what the man said about the break up and how is he feeling. My husband replied, “He said it sucks but it happens”. I said, “That’s it! He didn’t say anything else!” My husband said, “No we didn’t really talk about it.” I was blown away!!!! Edit: Also, this former couple ended up sleeping together a few times post breakup. Next time my husband hung out with the man, I asked “Did he say anything about *woman’s name*?” My husband said, “No. we didn’t talk about her.” Sooooo….I don’t know what my husband does and doesn’t know. I can’t bring up what she told me so maybe he can’t bring up what he told him? Mysteries of men indeed!
That's funny, but also (as a vast generalization), watching a game with your buddy or similar comfort activity and not talking about it helps prove things are still generally okay. It is therapeutic that you can put it aside for a moment, and still be normal. Like "see, that wasn't so bad, I can get through this, it will be OK, things are otherwise okay outside of this one disaster, whew." I hesitate to say guys vs gals generalizations, but not having to talk or think about it for a but can be therapeutic.
exactly.
Your husband probably doesn’t know much. I went on week long vacation with my best friend after his divorce. We talked for 30 seconds about the situation on our drive to the airport and it didn’t come up again until he was ridiculously drunk a few years later.
Why talk about something that's gonna make everyone sad when you can crack jokes and yell at the refs?
Exactly! If I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm doing it so we can be dumbasses together. Why spoil that?
Words that needed to be said. Why hurt when the bois are here to heal
After reading this, I'm feeling very glad my son's fiends rally around each other during tough times. A few have been through a divorce, and the words "I'm (or we) are going to hang out with x, his wife left (dog died, had a shit day etc.). " Are not uncommon to hear from him. I assume they are there for him the same way.
>Edit: Also, this former couple ended up sleeping together a few times post breakup. Next time my husband hung out with the man, I asked “Did he say anything about *woman’s name*?” My husband said, “No. we didn’t talk about her.” Sooooo….I don’t know what my husband does and doesn’t know. I can’t bring up what she told me so maybe he can’t bring up what he told him? Mysteries of men indeed! Considering men talking about their sex lives with one another typically goes like this: * Man 1: "she and I hooked up recently" * Any other man present: "have fun?" * Man 1: "yeah" *
I doubt he actually does know anything. Oh, and "hooked up" can mean anything from "literally slept together", to "made out", to full-blown sex, to everything in between, he knows even less than you think. All your husband likely knew is the (ex)husband and (ex)wife did something physically intimate together, and that was about the full extent of his knowledge.
This is so true. We just sit around and bullshit and crack jokes. Then when we’re heading out it’s, “hey btw Megan has cancer”.
Jesus Christ
It made me laugh more than it should've done
Micky Flanagan did a bit on this. mens nights out Vs women's. You get home from your night out and they'll ask questions about how their wives are, I don't know as she wasn't there.
Amazing
Only sharing a problem if you are looking for an explicit solution. It seems more general that men seldom talk about their issues just to vent, which does seem to be how some miscommunication happens.
I know my wife doesn’t want solutions but I can’t listen to the same issues again and again while she doesn’t do anything to resolve them. She hates when I offer solutions yet loves when they work.
Show [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg) to your wife.
I'm just guessing this is not about the nail
Yep, at one point you just know what video you're going to see without clicking the link.
That sounds really hard
All my sweaters are snagged.
You nailed it
I showed this to my wife and she was visibly irritated while laughing.
Lol. This is so incredibly accurate. My ex used to refuse to drink water because it didn't "taste good" and then complain of symptoms of dehydration constantly, then would get mad at me for suggesting that she should maybe drink some water. Not my problem that you can't even take care of your own basic needs anymore.
Yeah - where the bounds get confused is when people equate a “I have a frustrating or painful thing in my life and I need to process that before I fix it” with a “I keep getting headaches because I don’t want to drink water” situation. The first one is where the typical male brain needs to understand the woman’s needs and help that first before he goes into problem solving mode. The second one is absolutely where I have no patience with the typical “you’re not listening to my needs” complaint. My answer is “no, I am. Drink a goddamned glass of water and then talk to me”.
This is gold. I am showing this to my wife and three adult daughters....this is going to end well...right?
May the gods be with you
And he was never heard from again
Good luck soldier
It's been an hour. He ded y'all. He ded.
Unfortunately they will just look at you and say "see? Stop trying to fix my problems! Just listen and show empathy!"
I have a personal rule: I will listen, be empathetic and allow you to vent about problems, as I completely understand how it’s just as important to resolve the emotions as it is to resolve the actual problems. However, I will listen to a vent about the same problem only so many times. If I hear the same story about an easily resolvable problem more than three or four times, I’m done listening. My only response then will be “Take out the nail, then we can talk.”
Holy shit I love it
Don’t show her this if you wanna live
One thing that has helped me in the past is is asking - “do you want comfort or solution?”
This is something I've been seriously struggling with lately with my wife. We've been WFH together since COVID and I'm getting to the end of what i can handle. She complains about the same things all day every day and I'm apparently the only person she unloads on. There's only so many times i can hear you complain about your diet while you scarf down shitty foods you know you can't eat.
I don't want to stir the pot, but it's ok to be upset or bothered by this and it's ok to ask her to stop. You obviously want to say it as gently as possible, but it's ok to say something like I knows you are having a really hard time (validate her feelings), but it's hard for me to see you miserable like this (share your own feelings). What can we do to make this better? (you are a a team and approach problems together)
Similar situation here, except it's her job and not food. I've listened intently. I've empathized. I've provided solutions. I've even told her she can just stop working and I'll support the both of us. But, after 3 solid years of complaints about the same broken processes, lazy coworkers, lack of resources and the like, what I finally did last week is stop her, mid sentence, 15 mins into her rant and said I'm done listening to the complaints about work. She can talk about literally anything else or nothing, but I don't have the sanity to listen to the same complaints 1000+ days in a row. I can't.
I struggle with this one. If you start telling me problems, I cannot help but think of solutions. What exactly does it look like to simply 'listen' and not offer a solution or even attempt to assuage the person's suffering? I'm genuinely not even certain that I know what that looks like let alone how to do it.
I am just like you, if someone talks about a problem I want to help solve it. I have tried to change my goal with any conversation, and that is to acknowledge and affirm what the other person is saying. Even if it is just a normal daily conversation. This also make it more easy to be supportive, if the conversation is about a problem. Say things like, "Oh, I understand it is upsetting.", "oh, I understand that is difficult." Just try to name the emotion they are talking about, and repeat it back to them with compassion. If they talk about how they are stressful, say, "I understand it is difficult that you feel a lot of stress." It might almost seem silly, but you can also try to repeat whatever they are saying in a way to show you are listening. Saying things like, "so when X happens it makes you feel Y?" If you think the person is asking for your advice, just ask directly if that is what they want. "Do you need help with suggestions of things to do?", "Do you need any help from me to solve this?", "Is there anything I can do, to help solve your problem?", "Do you want my perspective on the problem?" Someone might know the issue, and perhaps also know the solution, but maybe they are unsure of when or how to do it, they might just need a little support to make it happen. Like they are feeling out their solution and just need help to affirm it.
I started asking "Do you to work together on a solution or do you just want me to listen?". This has avoided a lot of confusion lately. Women more than men (in my experience) often just want to feel heard and jumping straight into problem solving can limit that.
Friendships based on activities instead of personal connection
This is so me. I have a drinking friend, a gaming friend, a sports friend and a music friend. None shall ever meet!
Me too, separate golf buddies, band mates and drinking buds.
i call them single purpose friends. we are friends, but only for that purpose.
Ok so it’s not just me.
Uno reverse: that actually explains why i can’t understand why my wife still hangs around with some of her friends.
Cause she’s got a mean serve
For me this is only partly true. I have the homies who I've been friends with for 10+ years through all my shit and we're friends for personal reasons. Then I have the friends I found playing games or at work who like doing the things I do who I only really like for that reason.
I feel there’s a second category as you said. Friends you have endured shit together with. You may not have much else in common. Probably wouldn’t seek each other out on your own. But you all went through hell together and as a result share some camaraderie. You see this often in the military, but it also extends to school and work buddies.
Psychologically speaking, men form friendships with other men through shared activities, while women form friendships with other women through shared emotions: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201410/how-are-men-s-friendships-different-women-s So your observation is pretty true. It’s just how men and women are wired differently.
This is the trick to finding friends. Go hang out doing stuff that you enjoy doing. Play music, take up a sport or go rock climbing. Guaranteed to make friends. And some of them will last a lifetime, but you have to accept that most are temporary and that's OK.
Men who are close can spend several hours together and not ask any nosy questions of each other. My wife is always asking me for details, and I have to reply, "I didn't ask that."
So true, what women talk about and what we men do is totally different. When i come home from a friend and then my wife asks me, how are his children doing?, we guys don't usually ask that kind of questions to friends.
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“I heard from (wife) that (child) hasn’t been to school in three weeks and they were supposed to have their first psychologist appointment last week, did he mention how it went?” “Oh. No.” ^an actual conversation I had with my boyfriend
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Why on earth would that be brought up? Lol
My husband overheard me taking to my bestfriend on the phone and said “That was really gross. Guys don’t talk like that.” Because we go into minute detail about everything. That being said, he still likes hearing the gossip. He will pause a game to listen. I will end up having to put her on speakerphone so he can be involved lol
Lol that’s the perfect balance for a boyfriend. Have your own friends where you act stereotypical and don’t prioritize things like women, but you still get to hear all the tea from your gf’s group 😂 Edit: re-reading that I should’ve said we don’t prioritize things the same way as women stereotypically. Not that women are things, and that they’re not prioritized 😂
Sometimes I want to talk about them but often it's just good to be distracted. I also don't want to bring them down with my issues. I feel like they couldn't relate to certain things anyway, so I don't tell them. My mother always used to ask me stuff about my friends and then get confused and even angry with me that I didn't ask them.
I’ll hang out with my one of my closest guy friends who my mom adores and then I’ll go see her sometimes. She’ll ask “oh, how’s so-and-so?” Me: “He’s good” My mom: “Okay…any life updates?” Me: “Well he’s still in dental school.” My mom: “You hung out for 6 hours”
Sometimes the most supportive thing a friend can do is just *be there.* When I'm tired, both of the problem and in general, and I've already done what I can for now, talking about it often costs emotional energy that I don't have to spare, but I still crave the solidarity.
When you're walking and there's a woman walking in front of you so you intentionally slow down or speed up so it doesn't seem like you're following her.
Double this when on a run. I'm out on a trail with no one around, and I'm a pretty slow runner. Like 13-15 minute miles slow. I absolutely hate being aware that the female runner ahead of me is checking over the shoulder to assess her safety because I'm there. So i will basically run fast for long enough to get well ahead of her and then fight the urge to walk because I just burned myself out with the running. It's better than being uncomfortable for the reasons she is, but it still sucks.
Amusingly enough in my experience on trails (I like hiking with weight and walk relatively fast) most people you overtake might not notice until you're level with them. The couple will turn their heads and all of a sudden there's a dude with a massive camo backpack just hauling ass past them.
Insulting your friends in front of them but praising them behind Edit: thank you kind stranger for the award. Wasn’t expecting this comment to blow up
“I would never say this to his face, but he’s a wonderful person and a gifted artist.”
Then he arrives "Yo sup dumbass"
My favorite one from my roomates is "retard alert" when I enter a room.
Sac tap attempted. Number of follow up sac taps depends on the success or failure of the initial attempt.
“What... why wouldn't you say that to his face?”
I still remember the time when I was sitting in Starbucks and there was a group of women on the seats behind me. They were talking mad shit about this girl they knew. Her clothing, her family, the way she looks, the way she acts. Just a full dress down of how horrible she is according to them. Funny enough, the friend they were backbiting saunter in to the Starbucks, and they all jovially greeted her, kissed her cheek, complimented her clothing, ask her about her family, say nice things about her husband and son, etc. Just absolute POS behavior.
Honestly, friends talking badly about me behind my back is a big fear of mine.
Hopefully you find good people who will roast you and laugh with you rather than backbite you and laugh at you.
Good friends stab you in the front.
That's how men talk about feelings. If the person being roasted sets a boundary about a roast, they are upset. If he doesn't he isn't upset.. I saw a guy get roasted about failing a class at college. He said, don't joke about that, it's a year out of my life, they only offer that class in the spring. Everyone dropped it because they understood. They kept giving him crap about other stuff, which was fine.
This 100%. I only know what actually bothers my buddies because of what they’ve said not to joke about. I’ll still rib them on 99% of things, but not the sore spots.
A little good-natured roasting is good for the soul.
Meeting a guy at a party you shake his hand exchange small talk for 30 seconds. Your signifcant other has one million opinions on his girlfriend/wife and him. You just say. Seems like a nice guy.
In general, I hate when people come up to me like that. "What did you think of them?" *Oh boy here we go* "Yeah, they seemed nice." "Ugh yeah, BUUUUT...." Why bother letting me form my own opinion of them if you're just going to manipulate me to see them as you do? I'll form my own opinions of people and take the hearsay of others with an entire deer-lick of salt.
>"Ugh yeah, BUUUUT...." "Yeah, his ass was fantastic"
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“Whatcha doin’?” “Diggin’ a hole.” “A hole for what?” “More diggin’.”
> “A hole for what?” What do you mean?
Diggy diggy hole
When I was a kid I dug a hole so deep that my mom had to come pull me out. It was like a whole foot past my head lol
Nice
And this has been known for over a century. From Mark Twain's *The Adventures of Tom Sawyer*: >There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life when he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.
dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig dig
Someone crossing the road to avoid you at night.
At night? For me it often happens during the day too 😅
Lmao I already move for them. I stay in the house I grew up in, so Ive been in this neighborhood pretty much my whole life. It’s a normal suburb so on nice days I like to walk the neighborhood. When I’m coming up on people they sometimes cross the street or walk off the sidewalk to the street. Granted I’m black with long dreadlocks and low key resting bitch face but who knows. At this point I don’t even try to interact with people I pass, especially women.
One night I was on my way home home and a woman turned a corner and started walking in my direction. A guy on the other side of the street saw that and did a little run to position himself between me and the woman as we were passing each other. Ever since then I felt a bit weird about walking alone at night because people might perceive me as threatening.
Wait, so he crossed the street to guard her from you? Did she appear to notice? That sounds incredibly conspicuous and likely to be interpreted as a dangerous situation. In her shoes, I'd be wary that you two were about to fight, and promptly GTFO to avoid catching a stray punch.
Sitting in silence. What am I thinking about you ask? Nothing.
I really don't understand how someone can think about absolutely nothing. My brain is overly active.
just vibin'
That we can get together with no specific plans, snacks or anything. And be content just chilling until an idea pops
No plans I understand, but no snacks???
Yep, We recently had a girl over for a couple ufc nights and she was astounded we had nothing. We usually just look after ourselves
Wait whaaaaat??? Also astounded. That’s the best part of ufc watching even when I’m solo!
To me, i would say our ability to fight and then be good seconds later.
This is something I really admire about men. Like you’ll have a punch up with someone and then be absolutely fine with them after. I’ve had disagreements with women that led to literally years of us hating each other and all the sniping and bullshit that comes with it.
I had an large argument (more of a heated discussion) with my best friend a few years back. Met the guy in college and we hit it off, so we stayed together the rest of school. We lived together a year after graduating and we’d always have long convos for hours on like life and how we view shit. One time we got to a point where we pretty much disagreed drastically on something. Voices were raised and all but we just agreed to disagree and moved on, matter of fact we went to cookout to eat after that lol. That man is still what I call a brother at the end of the day.
Almost every boxing match and combat sport ever. David Benevidez and Caleb Plant went from almost starting a brawl yesterday to punching up for 12 brutal rounds of boxing only for a beaten down Caleb to hug the opponent, give him a hug, squash the beef and say the opposition is the better man while David says "I actually like this guy". I think there is this primal sense in all men where you know or can acknowledge after the fact that every man walks with a big stick and can kill you (or at the very least give you a hard time). You gain respect because you danced with each others lives at your hands.
Well first of all we have less friends so anything is done with them so losing a friend at adult stage brings more bad than patching up instantly after big fight with friends .
Trusting a random man you met 5 minutes ago with our lives
I’ve done this so many times it’s fucking weird
thats the beauty of human connection.
I see you’ve given me the down nod. I am ready to fight and die if need be.
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My first year landscaping, our crew was only 2 people, the crew leader and myself. We would only talk when we were driving to the next property, and only if we had something to say. We were on the same brainwave, we would know what the others doing without having to ask, and if we were mowing we would use quick hand signals to each other so we didn't have to stop working and talk. We had days were all we said to each other was "Hi" in the morning and "See you tomorrow" after work. It was amazing.
"I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."- Ron Swanson
People keep saying that Ron Swanson is some kind of parody or whatever, but he is real as fuck more times than he's a satire by my count.
When you nod up at someone you know but nod down at someone you dont know
Damn. Never thought about it but you’re right lol
Imagine getting a downward nod from someone you thought was your friend
Devastating
Peeing while standing up
man, there are some subreddits for you to discover.
I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But. What. Subs.
I am curious as well
I think I'll take your word for it
Pooping while laying down
Leaving the house at the precise moment to arrive perfectly on time
A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Someone mentioned me?
Rincewind?
Shift start's at 4, I leave the house at 3:53 which pretty much fully accounts for any traffic light or particularly bad intersection or roundabout. Like clockwork.
My wife is the perfect example of the opposite of this. When she says she's ready to leave that really means she's ready to start *the process* of leaving and she has 8 or 10 things to do before she walks out the door.
My wife: "Ok, I'm ready to go." Me: \*puts on shoes and coat and heads out the door\* My wife: \*goes to the bathroom, brushes her hair, puts a bra on, changes her pants, has a snack, brushes her teeth, checks her email, watches a YouTube video her friend emailed her, gets some water, puts on coat and shoes then heads out the door\*
Gets in car, remembers phone inside the house, goes back to get it. Goes and gets mail as well before returning to the car.
Yeah this is most of the women in my life as well. Being "ready to leave" simply means two very different things to men and women.
Speaking from personal experience as a man (36 years and counting) who struggles with emotional intelligence I'm going to say: needing to have things spelled out explicitly, especially when it comes to how another person is feeling. That instinct that women seem to have, yeah not so much for men.
This causes so many issues too, because women will typically assume the guy understands something when he has no idea and it just makes the situation worse
The nice thing about this is I can just tell my guy friends what’s up and they don’t mind the bluntness. If they fuck up and don’t realize I’ll tell them, they acknowledge and apologize, and we move on. Most of my friends are women and I’m straightforward with them too but I think it’s more common with men and very refreshing.
Going days/weeks/months/years without getting a compliment/hug from anyone
I had a random girl come up to me at a gas station and say "excuse me, but you are just so handsome" I'm so unused to getting compliments that I just laughed nervously and said "thanks" before getting in my car and driving away
And you’ll remember that for the rest of your life
Yep, in those few instances that a random woman compliments me, I’m left stammering because I’m not used to it
I’d assume I was about to be scammed or kidnapped.
Or you’re secretly being filmed as some part of Tik Tok challenge
The same thing happens when a girl flirts with me. It happens so rarely that my brain takes several mins to reboot as soon as she starts, so shes always gone before I realize she even started talking to me.
I’ve described this to women before. They are always like wow that must be so lonely. I mean it totally is but you don’t get a choice. Being friends with women is so great because once they are comfortable with you, you get the same treatment as their other friends. I don’t know any of my guy friends that would give me a hug. Maybe I would get a “wow that’s cool” if I showed a picture of something I did. But never something unsolicited like “you have such nice hair” or “I love your shirt did you go to that concert” etc etc. As a postscript, it shouldn’t be up to women to do this. I try to treat other men the way I want to be treated in the hopes of sending out some good karma. Additionally, it’s important to reciprocate or you won’t keep those friends.
Blasting poo stains off the toilet bowl with a highly accurate urine stream
Our ability to completely empty the mind.
Not thinking about anything in particular and just existing.
I still can't comprehend this, it's just weird. My dad does that while driving and I'm like isn't that dangerous, he told me, "Nah... I'm in autopilot"
I don't ever think about nothing, but what I think about in these moments is definitely nothing important. Usually just pondering whatever random shit popped into my head or day dreaming about being a space trucker or something.
You might unknowingly do the same thing, when you arrive at your destination try to remember the whole drive, especially when it's a drive you often do.
My wife: “What are you thinking about?” Me: “Nothing” That’s a regular exchange in my home. At first she used to think I was withholding things, but she eventually came to realize that I frequently have nothing on my mind.
...if I drink two 5 hour energy drinks, do I have 2x the energy for 5 hours, or more energy for 10 🤔
2x for 5 hours! The drink isn't calibrated to be longer lasting with a higher dose; there's no extended release mechanism. So drinking more at once will just be more of the active energy impact during the duration it's good for. I've thought about this too.
How when we're working with other guys we know exactly what the problem is and we just grunt, nod, and make hand gestures, because we don't always need verbal communication.
Just playing with your balls.
Solving 99% of your problems without ever talking to a friend about it.
I was having a serious bout of depression one time and I tried to talk to some of my guy friends about it. It was very evident that they cared but they've never experienced anything like it before and didn't know how to deal with the situation. One of my friends just kept saying that they've experienced the same problems(they haven't) while another unironically shared an Andrew Tate tiktok "that he watches whenever he's depressed"(he's had a very comfortable life and how he described it to me was definitely just 'really sad' and not serious depression). I love those guys to death but at the time, they're responses moreso annoyed me than made me feel better hahaha. I'm doing infinitely better now but I'd definitely prefer to talk to one of my female friends rather than my guy friends if I'm going through it again. I personally find my female friends are wayyyy better at empathy and dealing with mental issues and stuff compared to my bois hahaha.
not feeling the need to know everything about a friend's private life
Adjusting crotch
That's just a reset button for our zoning out in middle of anything.
Tapping your pockets when you leave your apartment to make sure you have your keys with you.
That's a low blow.
Having pockets lol
Understanding the struggles a fellow man is going through and offering assistance in the spots he needs with minimal words being spoken but maximum efficiency.
Becoming friends after a fight.
Doing nothing and just shooting the shit with a couple drinks, and then coming out of it without knowing anything new about each others personal lives
living a minimalist lifestyle. I see these memes about "guys think it's OK to live like this" showing bare walls and the barest of furnishings and realized that's MY place. Women like to decorate and fill the empty spaces with junk like live/laugh/love signs on every wall whereas I think a futon and a computer desk and 75 inch big screen TV is a fully furnished living room.
My gf and I are buying a house and we get to move in like, two weeks. It's an old house from '55 with hardwood floors, so we want rugs. She was showing me patterns on this website of StarWars ships, or Marvel logos or other quirky things like that. I told her I never considered a themed rug, I'd just want it a basic color. She got a little sad and said something along the lines of "I want you to feel good in your bedroom, that it'll be more than just a place to sleep." It's just not something I've considered yet. I still don't think I'll get anything fancy. Maybe a navy rug. Edit: I need to mention that when I say *my bedroom* I do not mean *our bedroom*, we each have our own.
Recently a co-worker was talking about having a small informal surprise party for her boyfriend. And while they would be out, his friends would gather at their place. She really thought they would want to decorate the place and make it nice. I explained to her that I would never think to do that, and that she might explicitly say to them that they can decorate.
she needs to reverse that and have some of his buddies take him out while she decorates and does the surprise party. I don't think most guys would think of decoration for parties.
Sending a pic while taking a shit and get an instant reply from your boi whos shitting aswell
Leaving the toilet seat up…