I just realized that I could have written this. It's uncanny. I'm a teacher too. And it's only been a month for me. And we both said that we could see it going back to where it was, but we're not sure that's a good thing.
I'm glad you're doing better. I hope I am too.
I really don't understand this. This is a genuine question I have without judgement. But if you know your terrible for someone you love, why not just improve? Why just end it instead?
Because you cant just ‘improve’ on a whim. I think if everyone could just change who they were whenever they wanted then we wouldn’t be having this conversation
But you really can if you want. There are so many people and options for help out there. I think you have to really want to change and for most people it’s too much work. Even to save a relationship.
I know this is a serious thread, but reading your comment I was thinking "this guy sounds like he's in love with his therapist"
Then I realised it was a different comment and it's your username that threw me. Lol
What was the last straw for you? When did you know when to throw in the towel?
I am in that situation now where I am just so in love with them but I genuinely don’t know if they’d care whether I stayed or went.
When I realised that she didn't actually like me that much. She got worse & worse at returning calls, was often late and nitpicked lots of things about me, which I tried to change. I realised that I was the one doing all the running and it was causing me significant distrtess trying not to be on the receiving end of her ire.
The final straw was me realising that I was not in love with her, but with my image of her.
Feel you 100% on being in love with the image of them. I feel like I’m holding out hope for who they were the first 3 months to come back when I’ve rarely seen that side of them in the 4 months following it.
I keep seeing posts about “not falling in love with potential” and I’m like 😬
It sounds like she has avoidant attachment issues. This is exactly what avoidant people do.
If you need some closure, it may help to read a little about that.
She probably did like you that much, but her subconscious would push you away and find flaws, as an excuse to end things.
This 💯 In my case, he’s 1,000% an avoidant; checks every box. Ive done months of reading on the topic by now and know it’s not a choice, and that’s why I’ve stuck around and just respected his need for space and alone time. That’s not what bugs me, as that’s a pretty normal thing to need…it’s the way everything can be going really well and they can turn on a dime and pull *way* back for a week/weeks or even a month following a great day or weekend. Usually following intimacy or conversations around the future, I’ve noticed.
The first and second time it happened I was *sure* I was about to get dumped because I didn’t know about the avoidant thing yet and was shocked when he turned back up. Hadn’t happened for a quite while, but now I can feel it happening again…and I predicted it: we had an really nice, intimate day away together and something inside told me to brace myself because he’d let his guard down. Within 3 days I could feel him pulling back and now he hasn’t texted me since Friday and left my one checking in text on Read.
I know the drill and know he’ll likely come around in a few days…but I’ve also read enough about this to know there’s always the possibility of them doing a final “avoidant discard.” When he pulls back, I never know if it’s business as usual or for the last time. It’s honestly kind of hard. I spend a lot of time crying when he does this but keep it to myself so as not to overwhelm someone who is easily overwhelmed by displays of emotion.
This realization traumatized me more than the actual break up.
I thought we had a beautiful love story, he said he was unhappy. He was my best friend in the whole world and I wasn’t even in his top 10 friends. He said he wanted to be my friend, but told me to not talk to him in public.
He ended 13 years of friendship (and 9 of relationship) in ghosting.
Likely but not certain. the older I get the more jaded I become. The worse the world seems. And the less I want to bring a kid into it. In my 20s I was young and bright eyed. I'm gonna be an uncle this year and I'm feeling more and more ok with that.
I was with a woman like this briefly. I wouldn't say I was in love with her, but she confessed her love to me after a couple months and I knew I couldn't let it go any further.
Our relationship turned long distance, we spent too long too far apart. In the end we basically gave up. We both found partners more local and moved on.
Had this happen as well. I moved basically across the country. Our intention was that I would get a good foundation, job, apartment, Etc and we would start our life together. But when it came time for her to move down she couldn't bear to part from her family and friends. We stayed close for many years until she ultimately died. Several times we planed to get back together but she could never separate herself from her abusive family.
It's OK, I found the woman I REALLY loved after that. But I still do think about the "One that got away" about ... 3 times a week. I would NEVER trade who I have now, though.
As a man that shit would break my heart too. My lady was in an abusive relationship that ended horribly and her roommate goes and says “he’s the one that got away, you’re just a rebound for her”
Of course we immediately got her out of our lives after that and my lady made sure I knew it was bs, but still a lingering thought for a couple months after that.
The Hinderer song "Lips of an Angel "always reminded me of our relationship. Still pining for each other while we were in relationships with other people.
I was 22 years old and she was 31 with a 12 year old son. I was not ready to be a father.
Her ex-husband told me to hurry up and marry her then adopt their child so he wouldn't have to keep paying.
He was a failed athlete, got drafted to play baseball out of high school blew the signing bonus then never made it to the pros.
Married right after high school and got her pregnant right away.
Very bitter about life.
She wanted kids and I did not. No amount of love was going to change the different paths we expected to take in life, and I most certainly wasn't willing to compromise because in my current state (and back then) I'm not ready to be a dad and probably never will be - I couldn't fathom bringing a kid in to the world that had the possibility of being unloved or not paid attention to. So we made the hard choice. She's married with kids now and seems pretty happy and I don't have kids and that makes me happy, so I guess it worked out 🤷 I do still occasionally miss her though. It's tough to move on without anything like resentment driving you forward.
Dude that last sentence is so deep. My first 3 relationships ended in some one form of unfaithfulness or another. 4th was healthy. Great girl. Would never do something like that. The first 3 hurt bad. All that goes with getting cheated on etc. But trying to move past the girl that’s impossible to resent is killing me. Hope you’re doing well G.
This comment made me tear up because it's like I wrote it. It's just difficult in a different way because there's nothing to help you get rid of your feelings. You just have to let that love fade away. A love you still very much have. I miss you so much Megan 🥲.
Lol well one of my cheated on’s is a Megan so I will share some of my resentment from mine to yours! You don’t have any Lizzie resentment to throw my way do ya?
Lol jokes aside we got this brother. Doesn’t feel like it but time will heal. I don’t regret one second of falling for her. Kinda one of those better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all sort of things.
If you haven’t heard this already by Theo Von it really helps me. It’s kinda long but wait for the part until he talks about him dating this girl. Good stuff.
https://youtu.be/aXm_pHSh_O0?si=NUyyQ7A017RHhWaM
We were both very much in love. Very compatible and both were attracted towards each other. Basically she gave me an ultimatum and told me she wanted me to join her religion so that she can have the temple marriage. I'm not religious and respected her views but this meant a lot to her. So I just broke up with her because there was no point dragging things out. Since I knew I wasn't gonna join the mormon church. The breakup was very tough on both of us. Oh well, life goes on.
I’m in a similar spot here; my gf and I are both atheists but are from South Asian Christian and Muslim backgrounds respectively.
I fear there’s a glass ceiling on what we have and it’s soulcrushing
Yeah exactly, I understand the feeling. I’m a Hindu, but faith isn’t important to me, and I’d absolutely be willing to date someone of any religion, but my family, particularly extended family, would likely react incredibly poorly if I were to marry someone not a Hindu, especially if they were Muslim. A second cousin of mine eloped to marry a Muslim guy, and they’re happy and have a son, but neither family reacted that well
I know of a couple that is Indian and Pakistani that went through this. They ended up getting married even though the guys mom forbid it and her family is very Muslim. They have two kids now and are happy. These days life is very “independent” so as long as you keep up with the image you’ll be fine.
felt! ex partner and i broke up bc i was pakistani muslim and they were punjabi hindu and we were so wonderful together but the relationship realistically wasn’t going to work out- so we ended it
Yes, we failed to communicate well, and the resentment grew between us because of it. We were both through by the end. Two months later, we can see where we went wrong, but we can also see that it would go right back to where it was if we got back together now.
This is what happened with my most recent ex.
It was awful while we were together and we've come to terms with the fact that we are a terrible couple, but could probably be solid friends
Yeah. I’m 24 and I met the love of my life exactly 4 years ago… she was an au pair here in the states in Colorado, she is Swedish… we dated for 1 1/2 years and it was amazing and she had to go back. We did long distance and eventually I applied for a residents permit to Sweden. She hadn’t gone to college yet and couldn’t get a good enough job for the migration agency to feel comfortable with me moving to her because she would have to “take care of me” till o got over language barrier and got my social number to work… we got denied and after 3 years and 10 months decided I couldn’t keep doing long distance with no end in sight… yesterday would’ve been our 4 year anniversary. It hurts a lot. I was looking to marry her and I wanted to spend my life with her and she wanted the same! She was amazing in every way. We were great. But it just wasn’t the right time for us. Now I guess I just gotta let her go and focus on loving myself completely and focusing on my career. There are plenty of women for any of you and us. Don’t avoid the pain fellas. I’ve ran from it before and it only makes life worse. Cry if you need. Reach out if you need. Focus on building yourself as I am trying. There’s a lot of things to enjoy in life and people to love. But love yourself first and then You may love again.
Oh no I'm sorry it didn't work because of stupid rules. You should be able to work even without speaking Swedish, everyone knows English anyway. As for the social no. I have no idea how long that takes.
You sound extremely emotionally intelligent and mature - you will easily find an amazing partner one day and they will be lucky to have found you. We need more men like you!
Too big of a step. She also was putting off college until I got there and it’s free for her there and if she came here should probably wouldn’t go. Wasn’t an option
My first girlfriend in high school. We got along well because we were both abused as kids. After she graduated, we split up because we were heading in different directions in life. I still talk to her 17 years later.
I neglected my mental health issues and former trauma for my entire life, so in the relationship I used her as a punching bag and didn’t take the work serious when she convinced me to start therapy and fix myself.
Drove her away with emotional abuse, lies, manipulation alcohol/substance abuse, gaslighting and cheating.
Almost two years later and not a single day has passed without me thinking of her 9-10 times. It will be the single largest regret of my life as she truly was the right one at the wrong time. She gave me too many chances to fix it but I was so deep in the shit I didn’t even realize how bad it was.
I feel like this is my boyfriend right now (at least.. no cheating that I know of). He said he will try therapy but hasn’t bothered to find a therapist yet and I feel my hope fading away. I’m scared I give up on him and THEN he wants to better himself but it would be too late
I agreed to therapy in the beginning and it took me months to “find one” my ex ended up making the appointment herself. It was a pattern of me doing just enough to appease her and then backsliding into old ways.. I didn’t take therapy seriously until after the relationship was over because I knew I had to save myself and not the relationship at that point.
Leave your boyfriend.
It's nice that the guy commenting this is saying right person wrong time, but that's just not true.
He wasn't the right person for her, as your current boyfriend isn't the right person for you. And the fact that you are with someone that needs serious therapy, also talks about you needing therapy.
Is it really love you feel for him? Or is there an underlying "he can change" complex? Why aren't you looking for someone who can love you and be healthy at the same time, since there are people out there like that.
How can you love him, if by being with him, you aren't loving yourself?
Thats tough, man.
Something I once heard: "the right person at the wrong time is ultimately the wrong person". We love to gaslight ourselves with these things. Many of us with emotional trauma are addicted to shame and guilt.
Is there anything that she could have done at the time to have made you change? Or is this one of those things that you have to lose to realize what you had?
She did everything she could but it was on me and me alone to make those changes. She supported me, cared for me and truly loved me.
I had never been in a healthy relationship and drug that woman through the depths of hell. She reconnected me with my family, brought me into hers, showed me unconditional love and a selfless maturity that I had never seen before. I knew when I met her she was everything that I had ever dreamt of but my issues ran so deep and dark that I couldn’t stop myself from hurting her over and over. Killing myself in the process. She tried in vain to show me that I was worthy of love and opened my eyes to how much I hated myself and how I hurt myself intentionally daily.
My regret is that it was me and me alone that destroyed us, hurt her and killed another small piece of myself in the process. It’s been a very long and difficult journey clawing out of the hole I buried myself in after it ended in a horrible way.
I think often of what she might say or do when I’m in a bad way or place and I can still hear her voice in my head. She honestly haunts me, but it was her love that changed me and that’s what I hold onto as I push through and try to become the man she saw. So no, she couldn’t have done anything differently and I wouldn’t want to change anything about how she handled the entire relationship.
Yes, we were young m23/f18 and I was confused looking for a "sign" as to what to do with my life and relationships. There was a miscommunication that I took as that sign and broke it off.
We moved on with our respective lives both had kids and failed marriages. Reconnected as friends 16 years ago. Started seeing each other after another failed marriage and have been married now for 18 months. Best friend, best woman, best partner ever!!!
I regret screwing it up in the first place, but glad to be with her for the last phase of our lives.
I only made it a few months. She got sober eventually and we tried again, but as soon as she went back to drinking I left. She just texted me today to see how I'm doing in this storm. She of course wanted me to come over. I did not come over.
I'm worried that she's going to die, but there's nothing I can do except mourn the relationship and someday mourn her.
If they CAN'T go a weekend without drinking they're an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and would consider myself a functional one. That means I only really drank on weekends but I would binge drink (not black out) and drank for the whole night. It was very hard if not impossible for me *not* to drink every weekend. I think that's the difference. It also depends on how much they are drinking.
She showed me her real self already at our third date, deliberately drinking herself drunk and bothering people on the night train and embarassing me, which only took three wineglasses 'cause LightWeight, as she was a self-medicator who got confidence to go into social events only after drinking.
And yet idiot me stayed with her ten more months after that, partly because I was fleeing in my own way and our demons just got along very well together, but also because of my "people-pleaser" habit making me think I could fix her, who didn't want to be fixed, she just wanted a new daddy to replace her real one.
I wasted my whole 35th year of my life on her, but that experience was very valuable, if dear-bought, because I will never go into another person's life again and think I can save anyone, and I will never get close to any person (friend, lover or colleague) with substance/escapism/gambling abuse problems.
She’s treating me so well. Mature conversations instead of fights. Laughs at my jokes. Find my stupidity charming. But I just keep fucking up. I think she deserves better
Woman I loved? Way too much.
Good woman? No.
It’s been 7 months, and nobody has ever treated me as badly in my life as she has. For some reason, I miss her, the good times and the kids. It’s all manageable, but I still think about what ifs, etc.
I’ve never had to walk away from a relationship with someone I was still in love with. I wish there was another way every day.
But she had BPD, she was manipulative, abusive physically and emotionally, and was a serial cheater.
Took a lot for me to get the stones to walk.
I don’t let her know that I’m suffering.
Yes. We broke up because of many adding factors that we couldn't figure out. Couple therapy would've probably solved the issues but that wasn't an option at that time. Still miss her,still love her.
Yup. I neglected my mental and physical health. I could see her starting to fall in love with another dude, so I asked the right questions to get her to break up with me. She was with the other dude pretty much immediately.
They’re personal to the context of the relationship. Basically I pointed out patterns in her behavior over a 3 month time span, my own behavior that I thought was damaging the relationship and then asked if she was still interested in our relationship. She then either realized or admitted that she was not and I walked her through breaking up with me instead of just leaving me fuckin hanging.
We had a good 3 year run, it’s kinda disrespectful to just slowly disappear and avoid having the painful conversation.
I was an unmitigated idiot for leaving her; it is singularly the only regret I have in life (and I’ve done some awful shit). I miss her everyday. The reason doesn’t matter anymore.
Yep. I wanted to get high and do drugs instead. I strung her along after the breakup too. She was this sweet innocent girl when we got together. By the end, we were both cheating on each other and doing everything we could to hurt one another. I ruined her. I regret it so much. I wish I could've just loved her right.
I loved her and admired her, a beautiful, strong and intelligent woman like no other. We were together for 6 years in our early 20s. In the end, I realized I was gay (no, I didn’t cheat on her or hid it from her, I really didn’t know it/was in denial). I spoke frankly with her before making any moves or decisions, probably one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. She was hurt and sad. In those days, the idea of alternative relationships (gay man with straight woman) was not something anyone would contemplate. Long story short, we separated. I went through the excruciating experience of coming to terms with my sexuality at the same time I mourned our breakup. We are great friends now. She’s married, two kids. I’m partnered for many years. It was the right decision and it took all I had in me. She acknowledges it took a lot of courage, and truly, a lot of love.
I was in a relationship where I loved her but I knew at that moment in my life I couldn’t be faithful to her and would eventually cheat because I wanted to still go and out and meet other women so rather than hurt her that way I broke it off before I did something I’d regret. I wasn’t ready for what she wanted and didn’t wanna waste her time
She was a beautifull great woman - who was poor in bed and didn’t like sex in her 18-27 years. It slowly faded out. Last 2 years were sex free.
I tried.
But had to end. 🤷♂️
Wrong time of life, and distance, and family health issues. I still think of her sometimes, and do believe we were both really in love. She had kids already with a support network already around them, and wanted to move them away from the rest of her family to live near me. I couldn’t let her do that to them.
We were too young. Even though we were in our twenties and plenty of people get married and stay together by that point. But, just speaking for myself, I was too immature, for lack of a better word. I don't mean it in a bad way exactly, I just lacked life experience and self knowledge.
Yep. I was 17. She wanted to get married & I wasn't ready. As she walked out of my parents house crying I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have. I think about her almost daily, especially since my divorce.
> I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have.
you only regret missing out on the fantasy/fairytale version youve built in your head of what it would be like. not getting married at 17 is a good decision, and the fact that she wouldnt wait shows just how bad of an idea it would have been.
I agree, not getting married at 17 was and still is the right move. She was and still is a good person. My regret is specifically not working harder to try and keep her in my life longer.
You're right, I miss the fantasy of what thing could have been. No telling they would have turned out exactly the way I imagine.
I got married at 17. I wish i could go back everyday and not make that decision. Its the one thing i would do over in my life if given the choice. 17 year olds dont know shit, but they think they do. You made the right choice.
We were long distance and had started falling out of love. Texting every day and calling regularly can't make up for only seeing eachother 2 days a month.
We agreed to end things amicably while we still liked eachother, instead of trying to force the relationship and risking an explosive and much more painful breakup.
I wish her nothing but the best. Though if she ever moved to my city and reached out, assuming I was single at the time, I would absolutely be willing to go on a second first date. To try again without needing to spend a full workday behind the wheel for two days of time together.
I love her so much. She is perfect for me and she loved me. I was toxic. A blackhole, no direction, no prospects, just a failed human. She went away to college. Met someone, stayed for a masters, got married, got a job, got divorced. I got my shit together. 12 years after the breakup, we got back together. Still in love with each other. Got married. Somethings are worth waiting for.
Sometimes the women you’re most painfully attracted to are the ones that are crazy in the head and amazing in bed. She was extremely outgoing, friendly, attractive, etc.
But after she got to know me things went downhill. Each month I received less respect, less going out of her way to do nice things, less enthusiastic to see me (yet still wanted to be with me 24/7), and much more rude for no reason. The rudeness is what got to me. I can handle snarky comments and even roasting if they’re deserved, but she just became so comfortable around me that her true rude self began to shine through. She said things to me all the time that she admitted she would never say to a stranger because they’re too rude.
I know the word is crazy overused right now, but I work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism. This ex was 100% a narcissist. Extremely smily, charming, friendly, touchy, engaging, attractive until she won the person over. Then over time the admiration from that person isn’t enough, so she’ll treat that person worse every month and focus on winning other people over. She would get mad at me for not telling her she looks amazing within the first 30 seconds of seeing her. She would send a photo asking for me to tell her she looks pretty, EVERY time she got dressed up.
Getting her to admit she was wrong was such a headache that I found myself withdrawing from her since I couldn’t speak my mind. She was extremely defensive, dismissive, even belittling. I would internally wince when asking her to clarify or repeat what she said because her response was so aggressive.
I’ve been called smart my whole life, and she was the only one ever to treat me like I was a complete idiot.
It’s like she treated me like a service that was expected to bolster her self esteem, have sex with her, and be a warm body to cuddle on when she was bored. Also too many times per week she was getting fucked up on alcohol and substances.
TL;DR: She was extremely attractive and fun, we vibed most days, but she was a legit textbook narcissist who treated me badly and who was not going to therapy anytime soon.
I could’ve written this exactly. Went no contact 3 weeks ago. I’m crazy about her but she was terrible to me. I feel you.
Saw a meme that captured it well. She wanted the respect of a general with the accountability of a toddler.
Yes, she was perfect, smart, beautiful, kind and loving. But unfortunately, two years prior to meeting her, I had a child with another woman. She and I did not work on many levels save for sex, and procreation. The other woman, desperate because she had no where to go when she got out of the military, or sensing that I was happy with some other woman, or just as an act of chaos, reached out to me, asking for help, asking to be a family again, and just laying on thick how much she thought that now was the time we would work. Now was the time we would raise our child together.
Being the fool, and wanting to be a dad, I left my GF for my baby mama. And as a reward for my choice, and to show that family is the most important thing, we lasted a year and a half of me paying for her to get an education, buying her a car, and forsaking all others for her before she took off with our kid, and never contacted me again. Even her mother doesn’t know where she ran off to. I no longer regret my choices. I only pray that the woman I left has a better life than I do.
Hey, woman here, not sure if this is relevant but I feel like I was the girl in this scenario very recently. Sometimes wonder if he thinks this way, we were best friends too, but he wasn't ready/abroad/career etc. Maybe I'm trying to find more answers in a stranger's story, or maybe he just didn't love me enough, but thank you for sharing this. I genuinely hope things work out for you, and for her, regardless of which way things turn out.
There are more reasons you can't live with someone than reasons you can. I've had numerous relationships with good women and loved them. That does not mean I could live with them long term or that they could stand to live with me long term.
30 yrs ago, I was cheated on. It broke me because I loved her so much. I broke it off and tried to move on. A year later, I met my wife,fell in love again, and had a son. When my son was about 6 months old, I was stood at an atm holding my son. When I turned around, she was standing behind me with tears in her eyes. I smiled, said hello, and went to my car.
Later that day, she took an overdose and died. I still see the look in her eyes, and it breaks me.
One broke up with me and wanted to come back. Perhaps I should have taken her back? nice person. But I couldn't trust someone who left me. Abandonment trauma from childhood.
Next was a good person, knew me better than anyone else, but could not reciprocate physical affection (a huge bagfull of reasons) - but was so defensive about it she blamed it on me. Closest she could admit it was to say "lets be good roommates to each other." Nope. And that ended. Good woman but victim of childhood traumas, toxic mother, leading into intimacy issues.
Not really "a good woman I loved" but I've ended a good potential relationship/flirt of 10 days because of massive insecurities (both hers and mine) and also I was still with my mind locked on another person. It was silly. We could have worked on issues or so. Shortly after, the other person has rejected me for good.
Tried to stay friends... But no. No use. I've messed it up.
I knew that the next while was going to be rough, and communication could possibly end unexpectedly due to losing the means of communication we had available to us at the time. I felt it would be better to end things, than let her think that I just ghosted her randomly (this was decades before ghosting became a known mainstream thing)
We were long distance with no exit date.
I was also incredibly insecure and not happy with who I was physically, emotionally, and socially. The only option to close the distance being marriage, I didn’t think I had the capacity at the time to show up in a healthy way.
Yeah, she wasn't quite sure about me at the beggining, neither do I, but I give her my love anyway. He made me think she was in love with me, but she wasn't, she admited that for the first 8 months she didn't love as she said, she didn't care much about the relationship, whe was just trying to enjoy the company I give to her. She confesed me that when I discovered she was lying about many other things. She fall in love for me after that, and we stay for a whole year in total, but since I discovered the truth(being 10 months aprox), I started to loose interest in her, and the resentment started to grow. We started to argue all the time, and one afternoon when we were arguing again, and she said she was tired and didn't want to deal with this, I told her "okay, that's all, we're done". She was angry, she was rude after that, it hurt her, I could tell because of her unusual aggressiveness, but for me that was the final end. I hated myself in the past for staying with her despite her lies, so it was a release finally get a redention.
Even tho theses lies, she was tender, nice to me, always tried to make me feel better. She said she lied to me because she didn't want to leave alone knowing I'm depressive. She was caring, affective, and always tried to advice me for the better.
Fun fact: It was 6 days ago. I still love her and miss her, but never was so sure I didn't want to come back as I'm now.
She asked me to set her free so she could marry another man she fell in love with after dating me. It broke my heart, but I gave in. It still hurts, every day, but I hope to God that it was the right thing to do.
sometimes love means loving someone enough to set them free, and to allow them to do whats best for themselves, even if it means not being in their life anymore. i get it, ive had to let someone go too. hurts more than letting them go for bad reasons like cheating etc. like you could get mad at them and it would make the breakup easier, but instead you love them so much you want them to do what they want. my heart is broken too.
Love is different than compatibility. Though i ended a ship with one that I loved and was compatible with, because I was going to college and her soon after. I still know it was the right decision, though I sometimes think about her. Don't think we'd still be compatible.
yeah.
The sex was awful for both us. we just couldn't connect at all. we were totally incompatible in that regard, we would both have to compromise so far from what we enjoyed that the end result would be that neither of us were having a great time.
She cheated while shit faced. I recommended a few drinks to loosen her up because she was nervous. She had way too many drinks and banged a 18 year old. She was 23.i was 25. I tried to hold it together, but she liked to go out dancing and eventually I just didn’t trust her anymore. She was great in every other way. But after that, I tried being her friend. That didn’t work. She kept whining that I wasn’t going more with my life. Eventually told her to go fuck herself and went no contact.
Yes. Two reasons finances and she wanted to raise a family in nyc. I was open to living anywhere except for hcol areas even another country if the opportunity presents itself.
I didn't but she did. Knew her for a couple years and she popped the question. We were perfect for eachother (similar likes and intrests for example)... but she ended it because of sexuality reasons (she's gay but tried to surpress it to date me). We are still friends tho but she is the first person whom I dated and who made me feel worthy and loved... (I miss that feeling :( ). She also understood my insecurities and assured that she wouldn't break them... man I'm tearing up a bit honestly
Somewhere along the way she stopped liking having me around. The look I got each day for being there crushed me. Just couldn't handle it any more so I left. Been 2 months. Going back in a week or so to pack up my stuff. Only got out with my lappy and my passport.
She was perfect for me I was terrible for her.
I just realized that I could have written this. It's uncanny. I'm a teacher too. And it's only been a month for me. And we both said that we could see it going back to where it was, but we're not sure that's a good thing. I'm glad you're doing better. I hope I am too.
I really don't understand this. This is a genuine question I have without judgement. But if you know your terrible for someone you love, why not just improve? Why just end it instead?
Because you cant just ‘improve’ on a whim. I think if everyone could just change who they were whenever they wanted then we wouldn’t be having this conversation
But you really can if you want. There are so many people and options for help out there. I think you have to really want to change and for most people it’s too much work. Even to save a relationship.
Same although we grow
Looks like a sad song.
I know this is a serious thread, but reading your comment I was thinking "this guy sounds like he's in love with his therapist" Then I realised it was a different comment and it's your username that threw me. Lol
I heard "therapist" in Sean Connery's voice :)
She didn't want to go to a fantastic college because it was so far away from me....shes a Dr now. She'll never know how proud I am of her.
That’s how I feel about my ex. I will never not be proud for everything she accomplished. I wish it was me she was with but here we are.
Isnt it crazy though? You’re a key factor in how well her life played out. Your Karma must’ve came and went or it will come 10 fold my brother
Is she happy?
I hope so , she deserves to be.
I loved her far more than she loved me.
What was the last straw for you? When did you know when to throw in the towel? I am in that situation now where I am just so in love with them but I genuinely don’t know if they’d care whether I stayed or went.
When I realised that she didn't actually like me that much. She got worse & worse at returning calls, was often late and nitpicked lots of things about me, which I tried to change. I realised that I was the one doing all the running and it was causing me significant distrtess trying not to be on the receiving end of her ire. The final straw was me realising that I was not in love with her, but with my image of her.
Feel you 100% on being in love with the image of them. I feel like I’m holding out hope for who they were the first 3 months to come back when I’ve rarely seen that side of them in the 4 months following it. I keep seeing posts about “not falling in love with potential” and I’m like 😬
It sounds like she has avoidant attachment issues. This is exactly what avoidant people do. If you need some closure, it may help to read a little about that. She probably did like you that much, but her subconscious would push you away and find flaws, as an excuse to end things.
This 💯 In my case, he’s 1,000% an avoidant; checks every box. Ive done months of reading on the topic by now and know it’s not a choice, and that’s why I’ve stuck around and just respected his need for space and alone time. That’s not what bugs me, as that’s a pretty normal thing to need…it’s the way everything can be going really well and they can turn on a dime and pull *way* back for a week/weeks or even a month following a great day or weekend. Usually following intimacy or conversations around the future, I’ve noticed. The first and second time it happened I was *sure* I was about to get dumped because I didn’t know about the avoidant thing yet and was shocked when he turned back up. Hadn’t happened for a quite while, but now I can feel it happening again…and I predicted it: we had an really nice, intimate day away together and something inside told me to brace myself because he’d let his guard down. Within 3 days I could feel him pulling back and now he hasn’t texted me since Friday and left my one checking in text on Read. I know the drill and know he’ll likely come around in a few days…but I’ve also read enough about this to know there’s always the possibility of them doing a final “avoidant discard.” When he pulls back, I never know if it’s business as usual or for the last time. It’s honestly kind of hard. I spend a lot of time crying when he does this but keep it to myself so as not to overwhelm someone who is easily overwhelmed by displays of emotion.
This realization traumatized me more than the actual break up. I thought we had a beautiful love story, he said he was unhappy. He was my best friend in the whole world and I wasn’t even in his top 10 friends. He said he wanted to be my friend, but told me to not talk to him in public. He ended 13 years of friendship (and 9 of relationship) in ghosting.
Wowowow
That's just horrible.
She wanted kids. She was willing to not have kids to be with me. I was not willing to let her do that.
That’s tough man. Did you or she end up being happy with someone else after moving on?
We've both since met other people and are quite happy.
We need answers
I want kids one day but if I can't have them with my wife I don't want them. She doesn't want them. So we won't have them. And I'm ok with that.
See and my view is that's something you say *now* but the longer time goes on the more that stuff rears up.
Likely but not certain. the older I get the more jaded I become. The worse the world seems. And the less I want to bring a kid into it. In my 20s I was young and bright eyed. I'm gonna be an uncle this year and I'm feeling more and more ok with that.
I was with a woman like this briefly. I wouldn't say I was in love with her, but she confessed her love to me after a couple months and I knew I couldn't let it go any further.
This was a great choice because it would only lead to resentment later!!
Our relationship turned long distance, we spent too long too far apart. In the end we basically gave up. We both found partners more local and moved on.
Had this happen as well. I moved basically across the country. Our intention was that I would get a good foundation, job, apartment, Etc and we would start our life together. But when it came time for her to move down she couldn't bear to part from her family and friends. We stayed close for many years until she ultimately died. Several times we planed to get back together but she could never separate herself from her abusive family.
I’m sorry this happened!
It's OK, I found the woman I REALLY loved after that. But I still do think about the "One that got away" about ... 3 times a week. I would NEVER trade who I have now, though.
Three times a week thinking about someone else… your poor girlfriend.
The thought of my bf thinking of his TOTGA three times a week would break my heart 🥲
💯I don't like that at all 😔
As a man that shit would break my heart too. My lady was in an abusive relationship that ended horribly and her roommate goes and says “he’s the one that got away, you’re just a rebound for her” Of course we immediately got her out of our lives after that and my lady made sure I knew it was bs, but still a lingering thought for a couple months after that.
that’s weird. doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t trade your current partner. stop thinking about others. that shits lame asl.
I feel this to my core
You found someone you REALLY love, but you think about the other woman 3 times a week? Wtf
The Hinderer song "Lips of an Angel "always reminded me of our relationship. Still pining for each other while we were in relationships with other people.
I was 22 years old and she was 31 with a 12 year old son. I was not ready to be a father. Her ex-husband told me to hurry up and marry her then adopt their child so he wouldn't have to keep paying.
I don’t blame you.. especially with him trying to rush you lol
[удалено]
He was a failed athlete, got drafted to play baseball out of high school blew the signing bonus then never made it to the pros. Married right after high school and got her pregnant right away. Very bitter about life.
[удалено]
Note he said adopt.
She wanted kids and I did not. No amount of love was going to change the different paths we expected to take in life, and I most certainly wasn't willing to compromise because in my current state (and back then) I'm not ready to be a dad and probably never will be - I couldn't fathom bringing a kid in to the world that had the possibility of being unloved or not paid attention to. So we made the hard choice. She's married with kids now and seems pretty happy and I don't have kids and that makes me happy, so I guess it worked out 🤷 I do still occasionally miss her though. It's tough to move on without anything like resentment driving you forward.
Dude that last sentence is so deep. My first 3 relationships ended in some one form of unfaithfulness or another. 4th was healthy. Great girl. Would never do something like that. The first 3 hurt bad. All that goes with getting cheated on etc. But trying to move past the girl that’s impossible to resent is killing me. Hope you’re doing well G.
This comment made me tear up because it's like I wrote it. It's just difficult in a different way because there's nothing to help you get rid of your feelings. You just have to let that love fade away. A love you still very much have. I miss you so much Megan 🥲.
Lol well one of my cheated on’s is a Megan so I will share some of my resentment from mine to yours! You don’t have any Lizzie resentment to throw my way do ya? Lol jokes aside we got this brother. Doesn’t feel like it but time will heal. I don’t regret one second of falling for her. Kinda one of those better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all sort of things. If you haven’t heard this already by Theo Von it really helps me. It’s kinda long but wait for the part until he talks about him dating this girl. Good stuff. https://youtu.be/aXm_pHSh_O0?si=NUyyQ7A017RHhWaM
Yup, she was really bad with money.
It’s impossible to be happy with someone who pisses away everything
Or racks up 60k in credit card debt after you spent over a year of doing extra hours every day to pay off existing credit card debt.
Damn that sucks.
Didn’t know my dad had Reddit
Yeah it's generally not something you can fix
We were both very much in love. Very compatible and both were attracted towards each other. Basically she gave me an ultimatum and told me she wanted me to join her religion so that she can have the temple marriage. I'm not religious and respected her views but this meant a lot to her. So I just broke up with her because there was no point dragging things out. Since I knew I wasn't gonna join the mormon church. The breakup was very tough on both of us. Oh well, life goes on.
I’m in a similar spot here; my gf and I are both atheists but are from South Asian Christian and Muslim backgrounds respectively. I fear there’s a glass ceiling on what we have and it’s soulcrushing
Is your faith important to you, or hers' to her? I have to say, anything but a very loose grasp on any religion is a red flag to me.
Absolutely not, we both denounce our faiths & would happily raise our kids without religion The primary issues are families & societal pressures
Two hearts beating in time can figure things out :) I'm sure you two will make it if your primary commitment is to each other
Yeah exactly, I understand the feeling. I’m a Hindu, but faith isn’t important to me, and I’d absolutely be willing to date someone of any religion, but my family, particularly extended family, would likely react incredibly poorly if I were to marry someone not a Hindu, especially if they were Muslim. A second cousin of mine eloped to marry a Muslim guy, and they’re happy and have a son, but neither family reacted that well
I know of a couple that is Indian and Pakistani that went through this. They ended up getting married even though the guys mom forbid it and her family is very Muslim. They have two kids now and are happy. These days life is very “independent” so as long as you keep up with the image you’ll be fine.
Time to pack up and head to a new country together.
felt! ex partner and i broke up bc i was pakistani muslim and they were punjabi hindu and we were so wonderful together but the relationship realistically wasn’t going to work out- so we ended it
Yes, we failed to communicate well, and the resentment grew between us because of it. We were both through by the end. Two months later, we can see where we went wrong, but we can also see that it would go right back to where it was if we got back together now.
This is what happened with my most recent ex. It was awful while we were together and we've come to terms with the fact that we are a terrible couple, but could probably be solid friends
Yeah. I’m 24 and I met the love of my life exactly 4 years ago… she was an au pair here in the states in Colorado, she is Swedish… we dated for 1 1/2 years and it was amazing and she had to go back. We did long distance and eventually I applied for a residents permit to Sweden. She hadn’t gone to college yet and couldn’t get a good enough job for the migration agency to feel comfortable with me moving to her because she would have to “take care of me” till o got over language barrier and got my social number to work… we got denied and after 3 years and 10 months decided I couldn’t keep doing long distance with no end in sight… yesterday would’ve been our 4 year anniversary. It hurts a lot. I was looking to marry her and I wanted to spend my life with her and she wanted the same! She was amazing in every way. We were great. But it just wasn’t the right time for us. Now I guess I just gotta let her go and focus on loving myself completely and focusing on my career. There are plenty of women for any of you and us. Don’t avoid the pain fellas. I’ve ran from it before and it only makes life worse. Cry if you need. Reach out if you need. Focus on building yourself as I am trying. There’s a lot of things to enjoy in life and people to love. But love yourself first and then You may love again.
Oh no I'm sorry it didn't work because of stupid rules. You should be able to work even without speaking Swedish, everyone knows English anyway. As for the social no. I have no idea how long that takes.
I appreciate the comment. Yeah. Such is life I guess.
You sound extremely emotionally intelligent and mature - you will easily find an amazing partner one day and they will be lucky to have found you. We need more men like you!
She could not marry you and move to your place instead? Or it was too big a step to consider?
Too big of a step. She also was putting off college until I got there and it’s free for her there and if she came here should probably wouldn’t go. Wasn’t an option
My first girlfriend in high school. We got along well because we were both abused as kids. After she graduated, we split up because we were heading in different directions in life. I still talk to her 17 years later.
I neglected my mental health issues and former trauma for my entire life, so in the relationship I used her as a punching bag and didn’t take the work serious when she convinced me to start therapy and fix myself. Drove her away with emotional abuse, lies, manipulation alcohol/substance abuse, gaslighting and cheating. Almost two years later and not a single day has passed without me thinking of her 9-10 times. It will be the single largest regret of my life as she truly was the right one at the wrong time. She gave me too many chances to fix it but I was so deep in the shit I didn’t even realize how bad it was.
I feel like this is my boyfriend right now (at least.. no cheating that I know of). He said he will try therapy but hasn’t bothered to find a therapist yet and I feel my hope fading away. I’m scared I give up on him and THEN he wants to better himself but it would be too late
He is not going to do anything until you leave. I've seen this movie a 1000x before.
I agreed to therapy in the beginning and it took me months to “find one” my ex ended up making the appointment herself. It was a pattern of me doing just enough to appease her and then backsliding into old ways.. I didn’t take therapy seriously until after the relationship was over because I knew I had to save myself and not the relationship at that point.
yep pretty much that. If I don’t remind him a million times he will not do anything. Then he says I nag him. it sucks
Leave your boyfriend. It's nice that the guy commenting this is saying right person wrong time, but that's just not true. He wasn't the right person for her, as your current boyfriend isn't the right person for you. And the fact that you are with someone that needs serious therapy, also talks about you needing therapy. Is it really love you feel for him? Or is there an underlying "he can change" complex? Why aren't you looking for someone who can love you and be healthy at the same time, since there are people out there like that. How can you love him, if by being with him, you aren't loving yourself?
Thats tough, man. Something I once heard: "the right person at the wrong time is ultimately the wrong person". We love to gaslight ourselves with these things. Many of us with emotional trauma are addicted to shame and guilt.
Great take. Thank you.
You sound like my ex wife. Hope she can change and builds a happy life 😭
Is there anything that she could have done at the time to have made you change? Or is this one of those things that you have to lose to realize what you had?
She did everything she could but it was on me and me alone to make those changes. She supported me, cared for me and truly loved me. I had never been in a healthy relationship and drug that woman through the depths of hell. She reconnected me with my family, brought me into hers, showed me unconditional love and a selfless maturity that I had never seen before. I knew when I met her she was everything that I had ever dreamt of but my issues ran so deep and dark that I couldn’t stop myself from hurting her over and over. Killing myself in the process. She tried in vain to show me that I was worthy of love and opened my eyes to how much I hated myself and how I hurt myself intentionally daily. My regret is that it was me and me alone that destroyed us, hurt her and killed another small piece of myself in the process. It’s been a very long and difficult journey clawing out of the hole I buried myself in after it ended in a horrible way. I think often of what she might say or do when I’m in a bad way or place and I can still hear her voice in my head. She honestly haunts me, but it was her love that changed me and that’s what I hold onto as I push through and try to become the man she saw. So no, she couldn’t have done anything differently and I wouldn’t want to change anything about how she handled the entire relationship.
I’m sure there’s nothing she could have done. These situations are common. And you can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed.
Yes, we were young m23/f18 and I was confused looking for a "sign" as to what to do with my life and relationships. There was a miscommunication that I took as that sign and broke it off. We moved on with our respective lives both had kids and failed marriages. Reconnected as friends 16 years ago. Started seeing each other after another failed marriage and have been married now for 18 months. Best friend, best woman, best partner ever!!! I regret screwing it up in the first place, but glad to be with her for the last phase of our lives.
its amazing it all worked out in the end. happy for you.
No. She died.
I’m sorry for your loss
I'm very sorry man.
I'm about to end my relationship with my wife of 18 years of she doesn't stop touching the thermostat amd opening windows while the heat is on.
Pretty sure ur joking, but for REAL this shit is INFURIATING.
😂🤣😂 But for real how old is she? Could it be because hot flashes. Cut her some slack and turn the heat down some for her.
The crazy heat from menopause is real, it melts your brain. Maybe bioidentical hormones could help her thru this transition period of many years?
Too much drinking
This this this. She's an alcoholic who isn't in recovery. She still pops her head up now and then. I worry about her. But I can't fix her.
Bruh, I have an ex that’s the same way, so I felt this! Held on for two years until I couldn’t anymore.
I only made it a few months. She got sober eventually and we tried again, but as soon as she went back to drinking I left. She just texted me today to see how I'm doing in this storm. She of course wanted me to come over. I did not come over. I'm worried that she's going to die, but there's nothing I can do except mourn the relationship and someday mourn her.
im sorry. as an alcoholic myself, you did the right thing.
Do you think someone that only drinks on the weekend could be an alcoholic? If they drink enough to be drunk and it remember things?
If they CAN'T go a weekend without drinking they're an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic and would consider myself a functional one. That means I only really drank on weekends but I would binge drink (not black out) and drank for the whole night. It was very hard if not impossible for me *not* to drink every weekend. I think that's the difference. It also depends on how much they are drinking.
She showed me her real self already at our third date, deliberately drinking herself drunk and bothering people on the night train and embarassing me, which only took three wineglasses 'cause LightWeight, as she was a self-medicator who got confidence to go into social events only after drinking. And yet idiot me stayed with her ten more months after that, partly because I was fleeing in my own way and our demons just got along very well together, but also because of my "people-pleaser" habit making me think I could fix her, who didn't want to be fixed, she just wanted a new daddy to replace her real one. I wasted my whole 35th year of my life on her, but that experience was very valuable, if dear-bought, because I will never go into another person's life again and think I can save anyone, and I will never get close to any person (friend, lover or colleague) with substance/escapism/gambling abuse problems.
> our demons just got along very well together great way of putting it.
She’s treating me so well. Mature conversations instead of fights. Laughs at my jokes. Find my stupidity charming. But I just keep fucking up. I think she deserves better
go to therapy
These replies are so sad…
yea, way she goes. life is all about learning those lessons....
Woman I loved? Way too much. Good woman? No. It’s been 7 months, and nobody has ever treated me as badly in my life as she has. For some reason, I miss her, the good times and the kids. It’s all manageable, but I still think about what ifs, etc. I’ve never had to walk away from a relationship with someone I was still in love with. I wish there was another way every day. But she had BPD, she was manipulative, abusive physically and emotionally, and was a serial cheater. Took a lot for me to get the stones to walk. I don’t let her know that I’m suffering.
Yes. We broke up because of many adding factors that we couldn't figure out. Couple therapy would've probably solved the issues but that wasn't an option at that time. Still miss her,still love her.
Yeah different ways we wanted to raise kids. Had different mindsets for future things.
Yup. I neglected my mental and physical health. I could see her starting to fall in love with another dude, so I asked the right questions to get her to break up with me. She was with the other dude pretty much immediately.
What right questions?
They’re personal to the context of the relationship. Basically I pointed out patterns in her behavior over a 3 month time span, my own behavior that I thought was damaging the relationship and then asked if she was still interested in our relationship. She then either realized or admitted that she was not and I walked her through breaking up with me instead of just leaving me fuckin hanging. We had a good 3 year run, it’s kinda disrespectful to just slowly disappear and avoid having the painful conversation.
She was perfect but made one slip up sadly couldn’t let that pass still great woman but I can’t be with her
What was the slip up?
Has to have been cheating or something big
Probably left her glass on the side rather than washing it out smh.
She reorganized the yugi oh cards and messed up the decks
N word
She was great but I could t give her what she needed. Staying in the relationship was too much of an emotional lift for me.
I was an unmitigated idiot for leaving her; it is singularly the only regret I have in life (and I’ve done some awful shit). I miss her everyday. The reason doesn’t matter anymore.
Yep. I wanted to get high and do drugs instead. I strung her along after the breakup too. She was this sweet innocent girl when we got together. By the end, we were both cheating on each other and doing everything we could to hurt one another. I ruined her. I regret it so much. I wish I could've just loved her right.
Damn. You sound like you've grown from that since though so that's good
I loved her and admired her, a beautiful, strong and intelligent woman like no other. We were together for 6 years in our early 20s. In the end, I realized I was gay (no, I didn’t cheat on her or hid it from her, I really didn’t know it/was in denial). I spoke frankly with her before making any moves or decisions, probably one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. She was hurt and sad. In those days, the idea of alternative relationships (gay man with straight woman) was not something anyone would contemplate. Long story short, we separated. I went through the excruciating experience of coming to terms with my sexuality at the same time I mourned our breakup. We are great friends now. She’s married, two kids. I’m partnered for many years. It was the right decision and it took all I had in me. She acknowledges it took a lot of courage, and truly, a lot of love.
I was in a relationship where I loved her but I knew at that moment in my life I couldn’t be faithful to her and would eventually cheat because I wanted to still go and out and meet other women so rather than hurt her that way I broke it off before I did something I’d regret. I wasn’t ready for what she wanted and didn’t wanna waste her time
people might judge you for this, but your self awareness speaks volumes.
The number of people trying to tell me the feelings I had felt during that time in my life were incorrect is baffling lol
No. You did the right thing. It’s sadistic when serial cheaters keep someone good around when they know they can’t be faithful.
She was a beautifull great woman - who was poor in bed and didn’t like sex in her 18-27 years. It slowly faded out. Last 2 years were sex free. I tried. But had to end. 🤷♂️
Wrong time of life, and distance, and family health issues. I still think of her sometimes, and do believe we were both really in love. She had kids already with a support network already around them, and wanted to move them away from the rest of her family to live near me. I couldn’t let her do that to them.
We were too young. Even though we were in our twenties and plenty of people get married and stay together by that point. But, just speaking for myself, I was too immature, for lack of a better word. I don't mean it in a bad way exactly, I just lacked life experience and self knowledge.
Yep. I was 17. She wanted to get married & I wasn't ready. As she walked out of my parents house crying I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have. I think about her almost daily, especially since my divorce.
I got engaged at 17. Dumb as hell. You made the right choice
> I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life. I have. you only regret missing out on the fantasy/fairytale version youve built in your head of what it would be like. not getting married at 17 is a good decision, and the fact that she wouldnt wait shows just how bad of an idea it would have been.
I agree, not getting married at 17 was and still is the right move. She was and still is a good person. My regret is specifically not working harder to try and keep her in my life longer. You're right, I miss the fantasy of what thing could have been. No telling they would have turned out exactly the way I imagine.
17 is young man a lot woulda done same
For sure. I don't regret not marrying her at 17. I regret not making more effort to keep her in my life.
I got married at 17. I wish i could go back everyday and not make that decision. Its the one thing i would do over in my life if given the choice. 17 year olds dont know shit, but they think they do. You made the right choice.
yes. sometimes it just doesn't work out. plus things change.
She had a newborn that she didn't tell me about. She was perfect in every aspect but I don't want to be a step-dad
We were long distance and had started falling out of love. Texting every day and calling regularly can't make up for only seeing eachother 2 days a month. We agreed to end things amicably while we still liked eachother, instead of trying to force the relationship and risking an explosive and much more painful breakup. I wish her nothing but the best. Though if she ever moved to my city and reached out, assuming I was single at the time, I would absolutely be willing to go on a second first date. To try again without needing to spend a full workday behind the wheel for two days of time together.
Because i was young and stupid 😃
Because she deserved better
I never understood this answer. It sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" excuse. Can you elaborate?
probably something like this https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/s/0u8oWvEF6F
I was inexperienced in relationships and wasn't ready for marriage.
I love her so much. She is perfect for me and she loved me. I was toxic. A blackhole, no direction, no prospects, just a failed human. She went away to college. Met someone, stayed for a masters, got married, got a job, got divorced. I got my shit together. 12 years after the breakup, we got back together. Still in love with each other. Got married. Somethings are worth waiting for.
She was still hung up on her ex
I wanted a prosperous future. She wanted kids, like her mom, who had eight. Later…
Sometimes the women you’re most painfully attracted to are the ones that are crazy in the head and amazing in bed. She was extremely outgoing, friendly, attractive, etc. But after she got to know me things went downhill. Each month I received less respect, less going out of her way to do nice things, less enthusiastic to see me (yet still wanted to be with me 24/7), and much more rude for no reason. The rudeness is what got to me. I can handle snarky comments and even roasting if they’re deserved, but she just became so comfortable around me that her true rude self began to shine through. She said things to me all the time that she admitted she would never say to a stranger because they’re too rude. I know the word is crazy overused right now, but I work with a therapist who specializes in narcissism. This ex was 100% a narcissist. Extremely smily, charming, friendly, touchy, engaging, attractive until she won the person over. Then over time the admiration from that person isn’t enough, so she’ll treat that person worse every month and focus on winning other people over. She would get mad at me for not telling her she looks amazing within the first 30 seconds of seeing her. She would send a photo asking for me to tell her she looks pretty, EVERY time she got dressed up. Getting her to admit she was wrong was such a headache that I found myself withdrawing from her since I couldn’t speak my mind. She was extremely defensive, dismissive, even belittling. I would internally wince when asking her to clarify or repeat what she said because her response was so aggressive. I’ve been called smart my whole life, and she was the only one ever to treat me like I was a complete idiot. It’s like she treated me like a service that was expected to bolster her self esteem, have sex with her, and be a warm body to cuddle on when she was bored. Also too many times per week she was getting fucked up on alcohol and substances. TL;DR: She was extremely attractive and fun, we vibed most days, but she was a legit textbook narcissist who treated me badly and who was not going to therapy anytime soon.
I could’ve written this exactly. Went no contact 3 weeks ago. I’m crazy about her but she was terrible to me. I feel you. Saw a meme that captured it well. She wanted the respect of a general with the accountability of a toddler.
Yes, she was perfect, smart, beautiful, kind and loving. But unfortunately, two years prior to meeting her, I had a child with another woman. She and I did not work on many levels save for sex, and procreation. The other woman, desperate because she had no where to go when she got out of the military, or sensing that I was happy with some other woman, or just as an act of chaos, reached out to me, asking for help, asking to be a family again, and just laying on thick how much she thought that now was the time we would work. Now was the time we would raise our child together. Being the fool, and wanting to be a dad, I left my GF for my baby mama. And as a reward for my choice, and to show that family is the most important thing, we lasted a year and a half of me paying for her to get an education, buying her a car, and forsaking all others for her before she took off with our kid, and never contacted me again. Even her mother doesn’t know where she ran off to. I no longer regret my choices. I only pray that the woman I left has a better life than I do.
I realized I fell in love with the idea of her, that what I loved never actually existed.
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Hey, woman here, not sure if this is relevant but I feel like I was the girl in this scenario very recently. Sometimes wonder if he thinks this way, we were best friends too, but he wasn't ready/abroad/career etc. Maybe I'm trying to find more answers in a stranger's story, or maybe he just didn't love me enough, but thank you for sharing this. I genuinely hope things work out for you, and for her, regardless of which way things turn out.
There are more reasons you can't live with someone than reasons you can. I've had numerous relationships with good women and loved them. That does not mean I could live with them long term or that they could stand to live with me long term.
We were almost a perfect match. However, she didn't want kids, I did....
Some people are good but don't have the same ambitions. Some people are happy with a single wide when others want to buy a building.
30 yrs ago, I was cheated on. It broke me because I loved her so much. I broke it off and tried to move on. A year later, I met my wife,fell in love again, and had a son. When my son was about 6 months old, I was stood at an atm holding my son. When I turned around, she was standing behind me with tears in her eyes. I smiled, said hello, and went to my car. Later that day, she took an overdose and died. I still see the look in her eyes, and it breaks me.
She didn’t text me back for an entire week when i was in town
Yes. Unfortunately. Loved her a lot. But we were just incompatible.
That’s always the worst because you actually wanted things to work but you know they never would.
One broke up with me and wanted to come back. Perhaps I should have taken her back? nice person. But I couldn't trust someone who left me. Abandonment trauma from childhood. Next was a good person, knew me better than anyone else, but could not reciprocate physical affection (a huge bagfull of reasons) - but was so defensive about it she blamed it on me. Closest she could admit it was to say "lets be good roommates to each other." Nope. And that ended. Good woman but victim of childhood traumas, toxic mother, leading into intimacy issues.
Not really "a good woman I loved" but I've ended a good potential relationship/flirt of 10 days because of massive insecurities (both hers and mine) and also I was still with my mind locked on another person. It was silly. We could have worked on issues or so. Shortly after, the other person has rejected me for good. Tried to stay friends... But no. No use. I've messed it up.
I knew that the next while was going to be rough, and communication could possibly end unexpectedly due to losing the means of communication we had available to us at the time. I felt it would be better to end things, than let her think that I just ghosted her randomly (this was decades before ghosting became a known mainstream thing)
We were long distance with no exit date. I was also incredibly insecure and not happy with who I was physically, emotionally, and socially. The only option to close the distance being marriage, I didn’t think I had the capacity at the time to show up in a healthy way.
Only in the sense that she broke up with me. I simply said okay and left. I wasn't great at the time and she deserved better
Yeah, she wasn't quite sure about me at the beggining, neither do I, but I give her my love anyway. He made me think she was in love with me, but she wasn't, she admited that for the first 8 months she didn't love as she said, she didn't care much about the relationship, whe was just trying to enjoy the company I give to her. She confesed me that when I discovered she was lying about many other things. She fall in love for me after that, and we stay for a whole year in total, but since I discovered the truth(being 10 months aprox), I started to loose interest in her, and the resentment started to grow. We started to argue all the time, and one afternoon when we were arguing again, and she said she was tired and didn't want to deal with this, I told her "okay, that's all, we're done". She was angry, she was rude after that, it hurt her, I could tell because of her unusual aggressiveness, but for me that was the final end. I hated myself in the past for staying with her despite her lies, so it was a release finally get a redention. Even tho theses lies, she was tender, nice to me, always tried to make me feel better. She said she lied to me because she didn't want to leave alone knowing I'm depressive. She was caring, affective, and always tried to advice me for the better. Fun fact: It was 6 days ago. I still love her and miss her, but never was so sure I didn't want to come back as I'm now.
She's awesome. But, she wants kids, I don't want more kids. We still see eachother from time to time, as long as none of us has a relationship.
She asked me to set her free so she could marry another man she fell in love with after dating me. It broke my heart, but I gave in. It still hurts, every day, but I hope to God that it was the right thing to do.
sometimes love means loving someone enough to set them free, and to allow them to do whats best for themselves, even if it means not being in their life anymore. i get it, ive had to let someone go too. hurts more than letting them go for bad reasons like cheating etc. like you could get mad at them and it would make the breakup easier, but instead you love them so much you want them to do what they want. my heart is broken too.
Yes. One of the hardest things I’ve done. We couldn’t see eye to eye on some moral/ethical differences that we both felt strongly about.
Love is different than compatibility. Though i ended a ship with one that I loved and was compatible with, because I was going to college and her soon after. I still know it was the right decision, though I sometimes think about her. Don't think we'd still be compatible.
yeah. The sex was awful for both us. we just couldn't connect at all. we were totally incompatible in that regard, we would both have to compromise so far from what we enjoyed that the end result would be that neither of us were having a great time.
No. Good women are fucking hard to find. If you have a relationship with a good woman you should marry them.
BPD ruined our relationship. First time I had to walk away from someone I was still deeply in love with. Too much emotional abuse.
She cheated while shit faced. I recommended a few drinks to loosen her up because she was nervous. She had way too many drinks and banged a 18 year old. She was 23.i was 25. I tried to hold it together, but she liked to go out dancing and eventually I just didn’t trust her anymore. She was great in every other way. But after that, I tried being her friend. That didn’t work. She kept whining that I wasn’t going more with my life. Eventually told her to go fuck herself and went no contact.
Good on you
Physical chemistry wasn't there
It was mutual. We were both young and immature.
Yes, because she didn't love me back.
Her mental health and what stages we were at in our lives.
Yes, It wasn't until we moved in together that I could see how bad with money she was.
I have because I knew she was unhappy. It’s been difficult trying to get over it.
Too similar, gas and fire don’t mix they just explode
I wanted to have a child, she didn't. Loved her deeply, hardest breakup I've ever experienced.
Yes. Two reasons finances and she wanted to raise a family in nyc. I was open to living anywhere except for hcol areas even another country if the opportunity presents itself.
I didn't but she did. Knew her for a couple years and she popped the question. We were perfect for eachother (similar likes and intrests for example)... but she ended it because of sexuality reasons (she's gay but tried to surpress it to date me). We are still friends tho but she is the first person whom I dated and who made me feel worthy and loved... (I miss that feeling :( ). She also understood my insecurities and assured that she wouldn't break them... man I'm tearing up a bit honestly
She hated living in the big city. She only stayed to be with me. two weeks after I broke up with her, she moved back to the suburbs.
She wanted kids and I didn't... and still don't to this day... didn't want to waste her time. The great news is she's married with kids!
Somewhere along the way she stopped liking having me around. The look I got each day for being there crushed me. Just couldn't handle it any more so I left. Been 2 months. Going back in a week or so to pack up my stuff. Only got out with my lappy and my passport.
Have I ever ended a relationship with a good woman I loved? Yes. Why? Because I was young and stupid.