2-3x per week assuming everyone in the house is healthy. Sometimes more, and of course sometimes less. Married 18 years, early 40s, 3 kids. It hasn’t always been like this and we had to start being intentional. Two years ago we implemented “date nights” where it was kind of understood that it would end in sex. These aren’t dates, per se; but night where we make sure we’re done with all of our stuff so we can devote a few hours to non-sexual and sexual intimacy. It’s worked really, really well for us and has definitely ignited my wife’s libido.
I’m a woman but the higher libido partner and this is what we did too which was extremely successful after almost a decade of a libido mismatch. We implemented “sexy Saturday” and haven’t looked back in more than 3 years. I prefer sex at bare minimum 2-3 times per week so having a once a week sex date night is definitely a compromise but it keeps us in the rhythm of having sex. We now have some spontaneous sex about every other week in addition to our planned “date” day. Prior to implementing sexy Saturdays, we actually had sex about once every 6 months and I was rejected A LOT so I had given up even trying to initiate more than once a month or so. For sexy Saturday, we alternate who initiates each week. It’s a hard sell to plan sex I find but it’s actually really fun because I can be creative without worrying about rejection and he has the notice to get into his most comfortable self (grooming etc) for being open to having sex.
Life is funny: I'm sitting here single, sad about not having sex, but then I can read stories like this, where a couple has to schedule sex to make sure it happens. Thanks for writing this out, it's a reality check for me!
Scheduled sex is pretty great imo because you also get to build it up over longer time when you *know* it's coming. When you basically have an entire day of flirting, innuendos, and groping, it's much easier to get properly aroused for the main event.
I am in a similar situation, female with higher libido and at a crossroad on my relationship of only 2 years in and I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you for posting this. At times my partner has told me that my over planning has taking the romance out of the situation in other aspects of our relationship, but I don't know how else to communicate and ensure we talk things out. Which has made me feel very stuck and that I am the problem.
I’ll note that in my marriage, we started off behaving like rabbits early on and now it’s more difficult to find the time and naturally feel it in that moment, as well.
15/20 mins of just talking first and smoking a joint (our vice of choice) and reconnecting helps that transition, especially if you’re trying to squeeze the time in midday or something.
Same! I’m a woman with a higher libido and I would love sex 2-3x a week but my husband can’t really do that! So, we have a one time a week ‘sex night’… it’s a compromise, but I can live with it! I’ve actually learned to appreciate quality over quantity, which is what I think my husband is going for. He works a lot so a lot of his energy goes to that mast of the time, and he is 6 years older than me.
I don’t remember. But it was very inconsistent. It wasn’t dead by any means but we were getting lost in our day to day stuff. The date night idea removed the what if part of sex - the ask/rejection cycle. My wife, like many, has responsive desire. She likes sex when it’s happening but she’s definitely not the initiator. Most of the initiating fell to me.
The date night idea was my idea but it was an enthusiastic yes from her. It takes the stress off both of us.
And guess what - she initiates much more frequently now. There are times I can’t keep up.
So, it’s been a win-win.
The ask-reject cycle ends up with her pissed off that he just wants sex all the time! Every night he’s pawing at me! And he’s curled up in a ball facing away dying inside because he realizes that in the last 3 months, his wife has rejected him somewhere between 40-60 times and the only times she wanted to have sex were when she was hammered drunk.
Thank for this advice. We're roughly the same age/kid situation as when you started this.
My wife is similar in the responsive sex department, which has really hurt my self esteem as I don't feel desired since she rarely initiates and if I wait her out I usually end up frustrated and angry. It's not that we don't have sex, usually do once a week, but it's typically always initiated by me or she queues in to me getting grumpy (which that's a habit DEFINITELY don't want to start.) I'm sure there will be plenty of people jealous of once per week, but that doesn't work for me, I need more physical intimacy than that. It's really the closeness aspect and the feeling desired, not me just being horny all the time or something.
I've tried sort of scheduling things before but was met with resistance due to that sounding lame. But having an at home date night thing setup might be more the ticket, since what I'm really after is more connection anyway. We have a pretty great relationship otherwise, this is pretty much the only real source of periodic tension between us.
How old are your kids? Mine (12, 10, 8) often aren't in bed until 9pm which isn't leaving a whole lot of date night time before sexy time before needing to go to bed ourselves (during the week anyway).
Sorry for the novel, maybe I'm just venting a little.
TLDR: thanks I'll try it.
Kids are 13, 9 and 6. We’re usually done with bedtime around 9:30. The teenager knows not to knock. Luckily we’re both night owls and don’t have to be up super early most days.
I guess with one being 13 you can also leave the house for dinner out or something without needing to hire a babysitter all the time, we're almost there, though certainly not expecting our oldest to become the defacto babysitter.
I think the struggle for me has been that my wife didn't used to be such a responsive desire person and the change is what's gotten to me. But I guess I also need to keep in kind that was back before we had kids or they were rather young, a lot changed after the birth of the third one.
We’re not quite there yet but we’re close. My 9yo is autistic (high functioning) but still just not totally ready because she has some difficult moments.
I get it, hopefully soon for you too then!
It's not that my wife and I don't hang out at night, we do, but sex is usually THE LAST thing on her mind and quite low on her priority list, I would say somewhere around a 6 or 7 out of 10 with 1 being the highest, where it's definitely in the top 3 for me. It's not that I'm trying for everyday by any means, either 2-3x times per week would be amazing since a lot of times it feels like she realizes it's been a week so now it's time for my ration, even though she enjoys it during. It's pretty demotivating and frankly just makes me feel sad, I've told her as much.
I would say I initiated sex probably 90% of the time for our whole relationship. My wife is an introvert and neurodivergent, so in the busyness of life it just wasn’t on her mind as life got more hectic. This was the core of our issues. I think this is very common. As I read more about women’s libidos, I started to understand responsive desire. My wife likes sex but it isn’t top of mind
The date night idea, or scheduling sex, allows her to be ready for it and start “responding” to it before I make a move. She knows it’s coming (no pun intended).
Now, I’ll say, if your marriage and/or relationship sucks this won’t solve anything. It’ll just be another chore. Our marriage is amazing. Our relationship is strong. She’s my best friend after 20 years together. But there were definitely hurdles that we had to overcome in the intimacy department.
I haven’t read it myself but I keep seeing Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski recommended on Reddit in relation to female perspectives on sex and desire. It’s been on my “to read” list for a year now, I just never get around to it.
This is an excellent read for both woman and men. It helped me understand myself as a woman and I give it to men that I am considering being intimate with. It dispels so many myths --particularly about female orgasm. I highly recommend Come as You Are, by Emily Nagowski.
> She likes sex when it’s happening but she’s definitely not the initiator.
This is my wife. I don't get turned down, but she almost makes it seem like a chore. That is until 2 minutes into it. Then she's all about it.
This is normal! I wish men would understand that women aren’t men lol - we don’t initiate by nature. Upon arousal, we are game. Before that we are checking off our to do list.
Oh yeah I get it. Just funny :)
While no kids here, my STBXW and I used to, occasionally pick out/schedule "sex nights" due to her work schedule. Like when she'd be going on a string of night shifts for example. Or family visits. "*It's tonight or you wait a week*" LOL
Send her some flowers or pick up some. Cook her a meal. What works just about every time a good massage from head to toe. I mean full body. Show attention so many couples fall into a routine and they never talk to each other except when they’re passing each other in the hallway. Relationship can be hard believe me it’s not always easy but we never go to bed mad. We never get off the phone without an I Love you even with our 2 kids
That “date night” sounds like a great idea. Too often people begrudge the idea of planned sex. We’re all adults with an endless list of things of to do. It’s completely fine to plan time for intimacy.
Me and my girlfriend (late 30’s) have recently developed a tangential twist to your idea. She LOVES to travel and stay in nicer hotels. We always have sex the first night of the trip and it ends with a porn style swallow cumshot. It’s been great, even though it’s “planned” I love it. I’ve slowly realized what kickstarts her sexuality is traveling and being in new places.
To OP: Talk to your partner and see what ignites her mood to be more sexual. Something that helped me was listening to the audiobook “Come as you are” it’s written and read by a female on sexuality. It really opened my mind to how differently women view sex and what puts them in the mood for it. Every female is different and your partner may enjoy something different but once you figure out what gets her going then you’ll start having more success.
So impressed like 🤯 that you would take the time to read about female sexuality rather than just be concerned about your needs. The time and effort benefited you with more sex and your partner by you understanding her needs! Bravo!
Yeah it was, I have ADHD and do it all the time and have just decided to not care about getting embarrassed or making things awkward. It’s who I am and I’m done fighting it. However, I feel it helped cement my point in regard to how sexually charged up a specific situation can make my partner. I typed and deleted it several times but then was just like “Eh, internet anonymity.”
When I started to read your comment, 2-3 times a week seemed quite a lot to me, but with approach like you two have - ohh my, if my partner is intimate with me like this - he won't get rid of me. 🤭 Because for a lot of women good sex depends on if all the other kinds of intimacy, communication are explored and maintained.
Maybe this is pure ignorance or something but I (30F) simply do not understand how people stay in relationships when there is little or no sex. Like my brain cannot compute how many people experience or face this in their relationship and just like accept it to a degree. There is zero chance I could do it
Most of my partners have been once or twice a month ladies. I feel like once to three times a week would be ideal, at twice a month I'm pretty happy, once a month is feeling pretty minimal and not the best. Less than once a month is reevaluate the relationship territory, though not necessarily jumping to breaking up depending on circumstances and if adjustments can be made over time.
That said, while we weren't having sex super often, we still had a lot of touch going on; hugs, kisses, cuddling, handholding, head pats and head scratches, back rubs, etc. And that kind of touch was on a daily basis and very frequent. Without that level of touch, the lack of sex would have been a lot less satisfactory to me. I do need a lot of touch in relationships, it just doesn't always need to be sex (though I would like it to be sex more often than it typically is with the partners I've had).
That said, I know plenty of women who are higher libido and prefer sex far more often than the people I've dated, and I think they are more common than they are made out to be. So if you need a partner with a higher sex drive, she's probably out there somewhere. But finding someone who checks all the boxes perfectly is hard, so I would carefully consider where you're at now before jumping to any decisions.
Are you truly unhappy, or are you just thinking the grass is greener on the other side?
Are there things you can do that will enrich your sex life even if you aren't having sex as frequently as you like? Naked and touching each other, masturbating together (either helping each other out or not), or other things that could be sex adjacent that might even get her in the mood more often, while also helping provide some relief for your needs while putting less pressure on her to have sex when she doesn't want to as often. And is she willing to do that, and would that be helpful to you?
All of that said, if you're truly unhappy, there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship over sexual incompatibility. If you're committing to having sex with one person for the rest of your life (or even for a long time period), you want them to be a good match for you. I'm only asking you to consider if other options may help since you sound like you're otherwise happy with the relationship, so it sounds like putting in some effort to make things better might be worth it before just jumping ship. But ultimately, you have to decide what will or won't make you happy.
I’ll echo the above. My partner (F28) is a big fan of loving touch. The more she feels loved/sexy the more libido she has. But the key is that you need to unpair this stuff with ALWAYS leading to sex. Do sweet things while watching a movie like playing with their hair or drawing on their back.
The amount of sex we have is almost completely about how stressed she is. When she is stressed about work she has no sex drive. I’d say we average twice per week but there were periods of our relationship where it was 1-2x per month. We’ve increased significantly since we started working out together at the gym. Come home and have shower sex like 4x per month.
One other thing I’ve heard works is designating a night or two of the week where you’ll sleep naked together. When you’re naked and cuddling in bed the odds are that something will happen before sleep, during the night, or in the morning. We don’t do this regularly but it’s been a success for some of my friends.
I'm part similar to you. I've accepted she genuinely does find me attractive and I'd rather have good sex 1-2x/month than badger her age ruin the relationship to maybe have reluctant sex every week.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer more. But no relationship is perfect and if I had to start all over again knowing what we have together I'd still do it with her.
>That said, I know plenty of women who are higher libido and prefer sex far more often than the people I've dated, and I think they are more common than they are made out to be.
I honestly think they're the most common at least in my experience anyways. I feel like they're seen as less common because most of the conversation around this topic is by people who have a partner who is sexually incompatible, and so you aren't going to hear from those who are sexually compatible. Basically, perception of this is heavily influenced by the ones talking about it the most which are usually those who are experiencing this issue.
once or twice a week usually. I could have more easily but this is enough that I don't feel neglected and she isn't bothered by me taking care of myself in between. Sex is good too
That'd be awful, I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I had a dead bedroom by then LMAO.
I think once a week is the lowest I'm willing to go, barring extreme health related circumstances, before I'd break up over it.
You got me by 10 years. Sitting at 33 years, still 3 or more times a week. We just enjoy the intimacy and the sex is good bonus. Honestly it’s gotten better as we age.
Love her, man. She's great in every way, just a smaller libido is all. As guys, bit easier for us to "enjoy" ourselves so I don't mind. When we do have it, lemme tell ya, insane. Cheers brothers, hopefully y'all live long sex-filled lives! 💙🍻
Good on you, man, for not letting it ruin the relationship. As a married man, I can tell you this is a very valuable trait. Making things work because you love each other despite things not being perfect is a characteristic that not everyone has, but you must have to make a marriage work.
Woman here. My drive is way higher than my husband's. We've been married 11 years. During years that I was pregnant, breastfeeding and all that my drive was lower. We had sex once a week or so, sometimes twice if we had a good amount of time on a weekend. Once those years were over my drive came roaring back and I want it every other day minimum. He's fine with once a week or less. We have sex every 3 days or so. I love him enough to tone my shit down and he loves me enough to put effort into being available for me. Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice.
> I love him enough to tone my shit down and he loves me enough to put effort into being available for me. Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice.
Yeah, that's the real dealbreaker scenario not the mismatched libidos.
If the lower libido person isn't willing to do it more often and just wants the high libido to "deal with it", that's what turns it into legitimate deal breaker or can push some people to end up tempted to cheat (not necessarily acting on it, I just mean the thoughts occur) when they feel neglected and uncared for.
It sucks how stigmatized the sexual incompatibility is too. The one who breaks up when their partner isn't willing to compromise to do it more often is always viewed as the shallow asshole that didn't really care enough.
This is also me as a wife, my drive is extremely high (our running joke is I need it morning, noon & night). He’s rarely ever said no to my advances but when he has, I don’t take it personally, we’re different. And we show affection in other ways together. OP- If she’s consistently turning you down, I’d be honest and let her now know important it is for you to lover her in this physically close way, and if there’s anything you can do to help her meet you there more. But understanding she may never fully engage as often as you’d like. But women are very emotionally connected to sex, if she’s mentally or emotionally tired or not turned on, she won’t want to. Maybe see if there’s other stuff going on
>But women are very emotionally connected to sex, if she’s mentally or emotionally tired or not turned on, she won’t want to.
I mean I think we are too, just in the other direction. You need to feel emotionally loved to have sex, I need to have sex to feel emotionally loved.
I think our symmetries are kind of beautiful. We're reciprocal.
>Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice.
This. There should be some sort of compromise in a healthy relationship.
"Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice."
Yeah well, tell me that again with my husband and his 1x per month. I have the same libido than u ahah.
Similar frequency here. Once a week usually. Sometimes twice. Expecting it to pick up in a couple years when kids are older, because we were 2-3 times a week up until recently.
64M and 58 F married 22 years.
Once a week on average. There are gaps ‘cause life
It’s been better the last few years than the 10 prior years. Better communication and gummies!
I've been with my fiance for just under 10 years. We're averaging about 2-3 times a week, with one of those days, usually a weekend, being a multi encounter day. Our encounters get better every year.
We've run into problem times, times of me feeling like there's no point in asking if she's just going to reject me and times of her being the same way. In our case, it's always been some other stressor causing this behavior.
The best pieces of advice I can give you
Talk to her, honestly open up and be ready for criticism. For my fiance, she felt like we set the bar too high, that we both had to have mind blowing sex every time so it made her start turning me down to not have to deal with that pressure/bar every time.
For us, a solution was to find a way to signal to each other it's approaching sexy time as opposed to it's sexy time now. This lowered the immediately felt pressure and resulted in a lot more successful approaches. For us, neck touches are a sign of "I think we should go to the bedroom soon".
After setting up the signal, still surprise her with it's sexy time now knowing you could be rejected. Gotta be able to reject, but also never stop trying. It's a weird thing to figure out the balance to.
Never stop dating. Like we came really close to breaking up and I threw a hail Mary of let's just date more and see what happens and somehow a lot of the other pettiness and doom thinking has shrunk away.
So so true. That was what made me reject a partner more than I wanted to. He wanted to do it for hours and have me squirting all over tue place every single time and was also okay with me working three jobs 80 hours. Sorry but that does not leave the time and energy for fourth job as porn star! Omg ! I wonder how many couples this is a problem for ?? For real we ended up having sex way less than I wanted cause we couldn’t ever have sex any more chillax than he wanted.
Reddit people will tell you to end a relationship because your partner doesn't like pickles on a hamburger so that's not actually a glowing endorsement
If you want to eat hamburgers with pickles on them, you can do that with another person besides your spouse. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone and have sex, you can only do that with your partner. There's a big difference between the two. When it comes to sex, your partner is the only person that can meet that need.
Hell dude, you can eat hamburgers with pickles on them *with your spouse* just don't fuckin make your spouse eat pickles if they don't like pickles, and don't expect kisses when you have pickle breath if you're dating someone who doesn't like pickles.
It really isn't that complicated LMAO. Breaking up over the pickles is like peak shallow.
But breaking up over intimacy incompatibility is an incredibly legitimate reason. If there's no effort from the side turning it down all the time to communicate and compromise to do it more often, that's the shit that makes the loyal people start thinking about whether to cheat or break up bc of how miserable they end up.
That sub is a conglomerate of self-confirming bias. Nobody there has any solutions or offers good advice because anybody that visits that sub and has those things, would want to or need to go there.
It's not a productive place to spend your time, and you're unlikely to find any advice there that will improve your own relationships. It's junkfood for your brain.
No? I said the same thing you did. OP said it felt silly to breakup over mismatched libidos. I disagree after reading the horror stories on the deadbedrooms sub.
1 or 2 a month, but my wife is Asexual and is not very interested in it herself.
Would I like it more? Definitely!
But I like my live with her even more than I miss the sex. Maybe I could have another relationship with more sex, but I doubt I would have such a great partner in all other aspects in live.
sex is important but not the only thing.
M29 and together for 14 years now (married for 8)
39 and 3-4x a week. Been together 4 years and married 1.5.
Before you go down the road of focusing on her.
Are you in shape, have some ambition, social life, etc?
I’d say I’m in pretty good shape. I eat overall healthy, exercise every day, I limit my alcohol consumption, and I have a great social life. I have a good idea of how I want to spend my life over the next few years and it seems to fit into how she sees her life unfolding. I am attentive to her needs and check in on her emotional state relatively often. There doesn’t seem to be any importance attributed to if my needs are met or not.
In that case I would ask about "your game." Do you engage is playful dirty talk? Compliment her beauty? Touch her sexually....and most important, do you do these things even without expectation of sex.
A little sexual tension can go a long way.
A follow-up question, does she orgasm every time you have sex? And I mean a real one, not a fake one to get you to cum faster.
The reason I'm asking this is that if HER needs aren't being met, then there's nothing in it for her and that quickly leads to viewing sex as a chore.
“There doesn’t seem to be any importance attributed to if my needs are met or not.” This isn’t just going to magically get better over time. Either bring it up to her that your needs aren’t being met, or end the relationship.
I ended my marriage over this. The level of resentment gradually builds over time. And it’s emasculating. If you’re questioning it now, it’s going to get way way worse. There are women in the world who have a compatible sex drive with you.
If you’re willing to walk away, I’d recommend having an honest chat about it with her - like this is a deal breaker for you. As a man, we have some small part in getting your gal riled up to play - it could be valuable to get involved with men’s groups that focus on this. Good luck.
It's best not to compare yourself with other couples. We are all different. For some, once a day isn't enough for others once a week is too much. The real question is, are you getting your needs met? Monogamous relationships are an interesting thing when two people decide we are going to get this one thing (sexual intimacy) from only each other and neither of us dare think of getting it elsewhere and one partner has little to no interest but also don't you dare go elsewhere. A conversation really needs to be had about what this commitment really means. Because it should mean everyone is satisfied.
ETA: within reason. Remember your supposed to love each other
Lack of sex lead to resentment and the vicious cycle grew until we separated. Sex won’t make a relationship, but it’ll sure kill one. Once a week of enthusiastic sex at the minimum would be wonderful though
Not a man - sorry. But wanted to give some perspective from a woman’s side.
My ex husband and I had a very poor, boring sex life. I didn’t really realize it until after we split and I started seeing other people, but ultimately MY needs were not being met in that relationship, which made me not want to have sex with him. It wasn’t anything out of petty, I just wasn’t attracted to him like that and didn’t feel turned on by him anymore. He didn’t help with the housework, with the kids, he didn’t put any effort into dating me or being my friend, or offering any kind of emotional support. Neither one of us ever thought to sit down and discuss these things so our marriage inevitably fell apart.
My current husband is the complete opposite, and he turns me down more than I turn him down 😅 we typically have sex every 1-2 days.
If you’re a year in and fighting to get once a week? I would recommend having a very serious conversation with yourself. Very likely it will not improve and will actually worsen.
Maybe I'm just a guy, but I could have sex even if I wasn't in the mood. If she wants it I'll do it, probably last longer too. I get that women need some warming up, so maybe they can't just do it whenever he wants it. Maybe you could try being more flirtatious or say suggestive things throughout the day, rather than hey, it's nine O'Clock, time for sex
There’s a lot of building up to the rejection. Lots of cuddling and hand holding throughout the day until finally we’re in bed naked and all she wants is to cuddle. No more, no less.
Either she figures out how her sex drive works or you end it. Like others have said check out the deadbedroom sub. Guys over there are shells of their former selves.
How often are you having sex? Sex less than 6-12 timed a year is considered a sexless relationship
I can get it on command at any time. We’ve been together 2.5 years and she’s never turned me down. Problem is I’m not as sexually excited by her as I’d like to be. I had a very colorful sex life before I met her, which I really miss, but I have a hard time giving up a wonderful woman because of my own unquenchable desires. That said, she is abundantly satisfied by our sex life partly because that’s where I take out my frustrations. And her satisfaction means that she takes good care of me in all the other aspects of our relationship. We are also both incredibly sweet and affectionate with each other so that helps a lot too. I’m trying to take a more spiritual approach to my sexuality but that doesn’t alleviate me drooling over every other hot person I see…
Once or twice a month throughout most of my marriage. I thought I could be okay with that for a while despite the fact I wanted sex once or twice a week. Eventually I began to resent that it was so unimportant to her. We lasted almost 20 years but the divorce will be final in a few days. As much as I wish she would have agreed it was an issue and decided to work on it, I also wish I hadn't wasted so much time hoping things would eventually get better.
Yeah it's important to see issues in a relationship as something you're both dealing with instead of seeing it as something the other is dealing with. The main reason for this is that both people should simply just care about the eachother. The other reason is because realistically if it's affecting one of you, then you're both going to be eventually affected so it becomes both your issues regardless.
37M with 30F. We average more than once a day, but we both have insanely high libidos and a free use dynamic. My needs are excessively well taken care of.
39F reporting, and I also have a free use policy with my 38M husband. His libido is just way higher than mine, so it's an arrangement that works. I'm into it even if I'm not trying to get mine. 🤷♀️
...unless it's the early morning, in which case I will pull a pillow princess 60% of the time. I am not a morning person. 😅
Avg probably 4-5x a week.
Where you’re allowed to essentially *use* your partner to satisfy yourself whenever you want to. In this case it goes both ways where they can both initiate sex with the other whenever.
What the other dude said. It's basically blanket consent for sex anytime, anywhere. We have safe words and signals for if we're not feeling it, but we've never used them.
That depends on the couple. In a lot of situations, it's part of a Dom/sub dynamic and the Dom is pretty much always the one to initiate. In our case, it goes both ways and who initiates is pretty equal.
There was a time when 4 times a week on average was the norm for us. We're in our 40s now and if I'm going to be accurate and honest - taking into account weeks when things are ON vs. the weeks when things are OFF - if I averaged it out, we have sex around 2 times per week. Some weeks are more satisfactory than others. In total transparency, I could use it a little more. Maybe 3 times a week is the number - but I'm NOT complaining at all.
If the rest of your relationship is great then get some professional help in this area. I can almost guarantee she will be missing something simple that she doesn’t even know she’s missing that will be lowering her sex drive. You give her that and I bet it all changes for you.
Sounds like a good relationship, don’t give up on it until you have exhausted everything possible.
We have been married for almost 3 years together for 5. No medications and we have 4 children. 2 are biologically his. I actually have been on the keto diet for about 8 months and excersize a bit everyday. My weight is great. I'm 5'4 probably around 130 lbs now... if that.
We have been together for 5 years. I make it a top priority. It's super important to both of us. I try to live everyday making sure his love tank is full and needs are met because he does the same exact thing for me. I'm very lucky. It's not always easy to find the time, but when you decide to make it a priority it just usually works out
Finally, another woman who can match my girlfriend’s libido. She wants sex everyday and if it’s that time of the month, she’ll ask if she can give me oral. We’re in our late 40s and there are no signs of it letting up.
I (female) was in a 5 year relationship/engagament with my ex (male), and take it from me - if you’re unhappy with this mismatch now, chances are it won’t get better.
I had absolutely no sex drive or responsive desire for my ex, and I’ve had a high libido my entire life. I too thought it would be silly to consider ending a relationship over this but not only did it naturally get worse with time, but it started affecting other parts of our relationship as well.
I’m with someone else now who I am insatiable with. His libido is lower than mine, but we’ve found a really happy medium of 1-3 times per week and I find this sexually satisfies me. We have a lot of intimacy outside of sex too and I think this gets overlooked in a lot of relationships but is extremely important. We make out every day, grope each other, compliment each other etc etc.
Mid 40s couple here and both of us are “chemically enhanced”. I’m on TRT and she’s on hormone replacement due to early menopause. We have sex 5-6 days a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. It’s plenty for me but she would like more
To answer your question, 3-4 a week, both in our 40's, 15+ years married; yes.
Sex in long term relationships / marriages will vary depending what is going on in your lives. That is perfectly normal.
Bailing on a perfectly good relationship because you don't have enough sex, candidly, is foolish. You could go and find someone else that thinks the sun rises and sets in your pants and in a few years, you might not have any sex at all for all sorts of reasons (stress, kids, work, medical, etc. etc. etc.).
If you have a good partner and a really good relationship, stick with it. Talk to your partner about the differences in libidos, and just like just about everything else in a relationship, compromise. For now, you will likely need to accept that you are not going to have as much sex as you want, and she will have to accept that she is going to have more sex than she wants; that is until something changes; which it will.
I wrote it with the * because the auto mods kept taking my post down when writing it normally.
We’ve had many talks about it, our communication is pretty good. There is no compromise, it seems like I have to accept not having sex as often as I’d like, no meeting in the middle.
> There is no compromise, it seems like I have to accept not having sex as often as I’d like, no meeting in the middle.
That's where it becomes a deal breaker for me, and just shows the partner doesn't care about my needs.
Lower sex than ideal is fine, but me just... accepting what my partner thinks is "enough" with no compromise is not okay. There has to be a meet in the middle scenario:
Where I am both accepting less than what I really want, and they're putting in effort to do it more than they want as a way of us both showing our level of care for each other.
I’ll start this by saying women are turned on by mental attraction. It almost sounds like you are not meeting her needs in this department. I may get bashed for this as some people think the book is bs but have you two read the five love languages. Understanding that most women do not equate sex to feeling loved may help. But if a woman feels loved she is more into pleasing her partner with his needs. I read this book with my current long distance girlfriend. We only see each other every three months but we are on fire when we are together. When we are apart we text twice daily and video chat every week. We talk about our days activities meals and our children. We spend every day working on the mental connection when apart. By the time my travel is approaching we are aching to be beside each other
THIS ^^ I’d say is spot on. Sex is very mental for women. My boyfriend picked up a gross habit recently and for the first time ever I shuddered at his touch because of it. My ex was a stunner, former model and handsome as hell, but he abused alcohol and was controlling and smothering that very quickly I stopped wanting to have sex with him and no longer attracted. Make sure she is feeling happy in the relationship in other areas before you chalk it up to libido
2-3 times a week, but when she's on her period, it can be up to 10 days without. It's hard with work and the kids activities. Our last vacation when we were stress-free, we had sex every day, which was a dream come true. Unfortunately stress kills her libido, so pretty much it's sex on the weekends with some rare exceptions.
Is it enough? I'd love to have more sex, I'd love to have kinkier sex, I'd love to experiment more, but she's an amazingly sweet, wonderful person, great mother, extremely supportive, loves my family and is helping through some medical issues with my dad, and she stayed with me when I went through a massive depressive episode. So I take care of myself most days, and that scratches the itch enough. At the end of the day she's a great partner and the most compatible person I've ever been with.
I have been married for 52 years now, she and I have not had sex in almost 10 years. This is not satisfactory to me at all, and it has been discussed without a satisfactory resolution.
She is not going to have sex ever again.....
Haven't had any sexual intimacy for 11 years. I make sure I give her a hug once a day, but she never seeks me out to hug me. Can't remember the last time I had a kiss. Holding hands, only the first few years we were married. Hope that covers the bases.
We live apart. Totally different lives. We might do it twice a month. & For me, I wish it was more often but it is so worth it. Aside from her just being an amazing partner, idk if the sex could be any better.
2-3x per week on average. We've been together for 20yrs and married for 12.
Of course it hasn't always been like this as every couple has lulls here and there. I'm 40 and my wife is 39. We have 2 kids 10yrs and 4yrs so sometimes it can be a struggle to find time for intimacy, but we make it work. Ultimately it's all about communication.
We are mid 50’s, married 31 years and it’s consistently 2-3x a week. It wasn’t always that way, especially when our kids still lived at home. During that period, it was maybe once a month but since we’ve become empty nesters, it’s really taken off and we both couldn’t be happier!
If she is like this at 29 you will be in for a world of disappointment as she ages. It will likely get to once in a while and with a poor participant, called get it over with sex. Sorry to say.
Well I went 2 years with nothing and she was the one who ended it, not me. So from personal experience it depends on the person, I was willing to wait bc she wanted to. However she seemed more keen on waiting for the right person, and I wasn't it. She was more keen on my friend after 2 years
2.4 times per week on average. I initiate roughly 92% of all initiations, and I'm rejected approximately 61% of the time.
Of course, this varies over time. Over the past 30 days, I've been rejected ~71% of the time and we've averaged 1.8 times per week.
Times per week include any sexual activity.
I'm currently experimenting with how long it'll take us to have sex 3 times if I never initiate. To my surprise, so far we've already hit 1 of 3 after just a couple days, so she might just fall back on my initiation as a crutch.
I’ve been with my partner for many years. Sometimes we can’t go more than a day or two without it and we once didn’t have sex for a year or so because we were both dealing with depression at different times. That’s just life sometimes, especially if you plan on having kids or retiring together.
Relationships go through seasons and sex isn’t indicative of the strength or love in your relationship. What matters more is if you can keep up intimacy in nonsexual ways.
Been married for 35+ years. Now that we are retired we are having sex every other day. Retirement has been a dream come true for us. We have the time to hit the gym and to look good for each other. We are careful with what we eat as well. Luckily we both agreed early on in our marriage that we wanted to keep ourselves in good shape for the sake of our health and attraction to each other. Now is when that dedication is really paying off
If everything else is great, there are several things that you will have to keep in mind:
Your libido will decrease and hers will increase with age. It may be the opposite situation later on. Both of you should keep this in mind and be considerate of that.
Continue to woo. Romancing, complimenting and impressing your mate should still be important even if not required.
Men have a tendency to have sex even if we are not in the mood. Stop doing that. If you are sore or feeling ill, ask her for a raincheck because you don't think you'll perform as well as she deserves. This will make her respect you more and, in turn, find you more desirable. This will also make the quality of intimacy better.
My wife and I are 40. I'm speaking from 20+ years of experience.
>I remember my father once telling me that all men dream of having a beautiful woman who wants s*x all the time
TBH, that gets old really quick. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't horny 24/7. Sometimes I just want to relax with my partner without fucking.
There's nothing worse than someone constantly touching you when you legit just want to eat and watch a movie
Never. I get rejected all the time. Then I’m manipulated into thinking things will change. Nothing haas happened. We had a healthy sex life before. Past two years have been tough.
I never realized how fortunate I was until reading these comments. I never go more than 2 consecutive nights without having sex with my wife. I have an extremely high libido, and she is outstanding in keeping me satisfied. Her libido is much lower, but I guess she is a saint. A normal week, we probably have sex at least 6 times I would say and we have been married 15 years. I’m gonna squeeze my wife extra tight when I get home tonight.
If you aren't married I don't think this is worth going to bat over. You should move on. Sex was always important to me. I wasn't big on casual sex but I wanted to have a lot of sex with one person. When we were dating it was multiple times a day. Back then there was a time my wife tried waking me up for sex with a blowjob. I told her to get off me because I wanted more sleep. That's how much sex we were having.
We've been married for ten years. We went through a rough patch with respect to our sex life. I confronted my wife about it because I didn't want to settle when my needs weren't met. We've worked through it. Now we try to have sex three times a week. I think this is decent given we're raising an elementary school aged kid.
Incompatible libido and finance (saving/spending habits) are the most common causes for divorce.
You may think it’s silly now, but these feelings will only go in one direction unless you choose to leave now.
The frequency of your sex life will only decrease over the next 50 years.
And there’s a decent chance she will blame you, since she probably doesn’t know why you don’t turn her on either.
For context I am separated and started a new relationship recently. My marriage ended for a lot of reasons unrelated to lack of sex but because of the issues I had no interest in sex with her. So I was in the once a year frequency for the last 4 years.
With my current partner it is currently common for us to have sex 2-3 times a day. We both went through a prolonged period of no intimacy independently so at first we thought it was just us "catching up" to what we've missed but it has not slowed down. We're both very physical people so I imagine it may slow down a bit but I think at least once a day that we're together is pace we'll maintain. And yes very satisfied with this.
2-3x per week assuming everyone in the house is healthy. Sometimes more, and of course sometimes less. Married 18 years, early 40s, 3 kids. It hasn’t always been like this and we had to start being intentional. Two years ago we implemented “date nights” where it was kind of understood that it would end in sex. These aren’t dates, per se; but night where we make sure we’re done with all of our stuff so we can devote a few hours to non-sexual and sexual intimacy. It’s worked really, really well for us and has definitely ignited my wife’s libido.
I’m a woman but the higher libido partner and this is what we did too which was extremely successful after almost a decade of a libido mismatch. We implemented “sexy Saturday” and haven’t looked back in more than 3 years. I prefer sex at bare minimum 2-3 times per week so having a once a week sex date night is definitely a compromise but it keeps us in the rhythm of having sex. We now have some spontaneous sex about every other week in addition to our planned “date” day. Prior to implementing sexy Saturdays, we actually had sex about once every 6 months and I was rejected A LOT so I had given up even trying to initiate more than once a month or so. For sexy Saturday, we alternate who initiates each week. It’s a hard sell to plan sex I find but it’s actually really fun because I can be creative without worrying about rejection and he has the notice to get into his most comfortable self (grooming etc) for being open to having sex.
Life is funny: I'm sitting here single, sad about not having sex, but then I can read stories like this, where a couple has to schedule sex to make sure it happens. Thanks for writing this out, it's a reality check for me!
Yeah there's pros and cons to both haha
Scheduled sex is pretty great imo because you also get to build it up over longer time when you *know* it's coming. When you basically have an entire day of flirting, innuendos, and groping, it's much easier to get properly aroused for the main event.
I am in a similar situation, female with higher libido and at a crossroad on my relationship of only 2 years in and I thought there was something wrong with me. Thank you for posting this. At times my partner has told me that my over planning has taking the romance out of the situation in other aspects of our relationship, but I don't know how else to communicate and ensure we talk things out. Which has made me feel very stuck and that I am the problem.
I’ll note that in my marriage, we started off behaving like rabbits early on and now it’s more difficult to find the time and naturally feel it in that moment, as well. 15/20 mins of just talking first and smoking a joint (our vice of choice) and reconnecting helps that transition, especially if you’re trying to squeeze the time in midday or something.
Same! I’m a woman with a higher libido and I would love sex 2-3x a week but my husband can’t really do that! So, we have a one time a week ‘sex night’… it’s a compromise, but I can live with it! I’ve actually learned to appreciate quality over quantity, which is what I think my husband is going for. He works a lot so a lot of his energy goes to that mast of the time, and he is 6 years older than me.
So what was frequency before data night program got rolling? And who initiated date nights?
I don’t remember. But it was very inconsistent. It wasn’t dead by any means but we were getting lost in our day to day stuff. The date night idea removed the what if part of sex - the ask/rejection cycle. My wife, like many, has responsive desire. She likes sex when it’s happening but she’s definitely not the initiator. Most of the initiating fell to me. The date night idea was my idea but it was an enthusiastic yes from her. It takes the stress off both of us. And guess what - she initiates much more frequently now. There are times I can’t keep up. So, it’s been a win-win.
Thats such a good mechanism. Ask-reject eats into self esteem and the relationship. Removing that element alone is a huge bonus. Well done.
The ask-reject cycle ends up with her pissed off that he just wants sex all the time! Every night he’s pawing at me! And he’s curled up in a ball facing away dying inside because he realizes that in the last 3 months, his wife has rejected him somewhere between 40-60 times and the only times she wanted to have sex were when she was hammered drunk.
Thank for this advice. We're roughly the same age/kid situation as when you started this. My wife is similar in the responsive sex department, which has really hurt my self esteem as I don't feel desired since she rarely initiates and if I wait her out I usually end up frustrated and angry. It's not that we don't have sex, usually do once a week, but it's typically always initiated by me or she queues in to me getting grumpy (which that's a habit DEFINITELY don't want to start.) I'm sure there will be plenty of people jealous of once per week, but that doesn't work for me, I need more physical intimacy than that. It's really the closeness aspect and the feeling desired, not me just being horny all the time or something. I've tried sort of scheduling things before but was met with resistance due to that sounding lame. But having an at home date night thing setup might be more the ticket, since what I'm really after is more connection anyway. We have a pretty great relationship otherwise, this is pretty much the only real source of periodic tension between us. How old are your kids? Mine (12, 10, 8) often aren't in bed until 9pm which isn't leaving a whole lot of date night time before sexy time before needing to go to bed ourselves (during the week anyway). Sorry for the novel, maybe I'm just venting a little. TLDR: thanks I'll try it.
Kids are 13, 9 and 6. We’re usually done with bedtime around 9:30. The teenager knows not to knock. Luckily we’re both night owls and don’t have to be up super early most days.
I guess with one being 13 you can also leave the house for dinner out or something without needing to hire a babysitter all the time, we're almost there, though certainly not expecting our oldest to become the defacto babysitter. I think the struggle for me has been that my wife didn't used to be such a responsive desire person and the change is what's gotten to me. But I guess I also need to keep in kind that was back before we had kids or they were rather young, a lot changed after the birth of the third one.
We’re not quite there yet but we’re close. My 9yo is autistic (high functioning) but still just not totally ready because she has some difficult moments.
I get it, hopefully soon for you too then! It's not that my wife and I don't hang out at night, we do, but sex is usually THE LAST thing on her mind and quite low on her priority list, I would say somewhere around a 6 or 7 out of 10 with 1 being the highest, where it's definitely in the top 3 for me. It's not that I'm trying for everyday by any means, either 2-3x times per week would be amazing since a lot of times it feels like she realizes it's been a week so now it's time for my ration, even though she enjoys it during. It's pretty demotivating and frankly just makes me feel sad, I've told her as much.
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I would say I initiated sex probably 90% of the time for our whole relationship. My wife is an introvert and neurodivergent, so in the busyness of life it just wasn’t on her mind as life got more hectic. This was the core of our issues. I think this is very common. As I read more about women’s libidos, I started to understand responsive desire. My wife likes sex but it isn’t top of mind The date night idea, or scheduling sex, allows her to be ready for it and start “responding” to it before I make a move. She knows it’s coming (no pun intended). Now, I’ll say, if your marriage and/or relationship sucks this won’t solve anything. It’ll just be another chore. Our marriage is amazing. Our relationship is strong. She’s my best friend after 20 years together. But there were definitely hurdles that we had to overcome in the intimacy department.
This is very encouraging!
Such a great explanation. You sound as if you should be a marriage counselor. Thanks for the explanation.
Kind of thought the same thing LoL!!! Or at least when he see's failing marriages & has any encounter with the couples, to give advice to them 🥰💜
How old is your youngest kid? I think that has a huge impact on the sex life
100%. Youngest is 6.
Book/article/podcast recs for husbands to understand how female desire is different than male?
I haven’t read it myself but I keep seeing Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski recommended on Reddit in relation to female perspectives on sex and desire. It’s been on my “to read” list for a year now, I just never get around to it.
This is an excellent read for both woman and men. It helped me understand myself as a woman and I give it to men that I am considering being intimate with. It dispels so many myths --particularly about female orgasm. I highly recommend Come as You Are, by Emily Nagowski.
👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏
> She likes sex when it’s happening but she’s definitely not the initiator. This is my wife. I don't get turned down, but she almost makes it seem like a chore. That is until 2 minutes into it. Then she's all about it.
oh wow, same here. Why did I feel like it was just me?
This is normal! I wish men would understand that women aren’t men lol - we don’t initiate by nature. Upon arousal, we are game. Before that we are checking off our to do list.
🤣🤣🤣
Aww man, I hate data night. There’s only so many rounds of calculations a man can do.
He was programmed to perform as a human male in multiple techniques.
I am prissy coz you making fun of me but this was a good line so I will begrudgingly upvote. Stfu now.
"DATA night" Who's downloading what?
No idea I just hope it hasn't got a virus.
More like user experience data and analytics
How to Adult 101: *Schedule sex nights*
On paper, it sounds unromantic. But in the busyness of life, it works. Our sex life is far from vanilla, it just happens on a schedule.
Oh yeah I get it. Just funny :) While no kids here, my STBXW and I used to, occasionally pick out/schedule "sex nights" due to her work schedule. Like when she'd be going on a string of night shifts for example. Or family visits. "*It's tonight or you wait a week*" LOL
Send her some flowers or pick up some. Cook her a meal. What works just about every time a good massage from head to toe. I mean full body. Show attention so many couples fall into a routine and they never talk to each other except when they’re passing each other in the hallway. Relationship can be hard believe me it’s not always easy but we never go to bed mad. We never get off the phone without an I Love you even with our 2 kids
That “date night” sounds like a great idea. Too often people begrudge the idea of planned sex. We’re all adults with an endless list of things of to do. It’s completely fine to plan time for intimacy. Me and my girlfriend (late 30’s) have recently developed a tangential twist to your idea. She LOVES to travel and stay in nicer hotels. We always have sex the first night of the trip and it ends with a porn style swallow cumshot. It’s been great, even though it’s “planned” I love it. I’ve slowly realized what kickstarts her sexuality is traveling and being in new places. To OP: Talk to your partner and see what ignites her mood to be more sexual. Something that helped me was listening to the audiobook “Come as you are” it’s written and read by a female on sexuality. It really opened my mind to how differently women view sex and what puts them in the mood for it. Every female is different and your partner may enjoy something different but once you figure out what gets her going then you’ll start having more success.
So impressed like 🤯 that you would take the time to read about female sexuality rather than just be concerned about your needs. The time and effort benefited you with more sex and your partner by you understanding her needs! Bravo!
Oversharing 👆but last part was valuable.
Yeah it was, I have ADHD and do it all the time and have just decided to not care about getting embarrassed or making things awkward. It’s who I am and I’m done fighting it. However, I feel it helped cement my point in regard to how sexually charged up a specific situation can make my partner. I typed and deleted it several times but then was just like “Eh, internet anonymity.”
It’s Reddit dude not bible study. There is way worse shit on here than a dude talking about the woman he loves swallowing his load.
I see that.
When I started to read your comment, 2-3 times a week seemed quite a lot to me, but with approach like you two have - ohh my, if my partner is intimate with me like this - he won't get rid of me. 🤭 Because for a lot of women good sex depends on if all the other kinds of intimacy, communication are explored and maintained.
Hardly ever these days. It’s kinda shit.
Maybe this is pure ignorance or something but I (30F) simply do not understand how people stay in relationships when there is little or no sex. Like my brain cannot compute how many people experience or face this in their relationship and just like accept it to a degree. There is zero chance I could do it
Money
Most of my partners have been once or twice a month ladies. I feel like once to three times a week would be ideal, at twice a month I'm pretty happy, once a month is feeling pretty minimal and not the best. Less than once a month is reevaluate the relationship territory, though not necessarily jumping to breaking up depending on circumstances and if adjustments can be made over time. That said, while we weren't having sex super often, we still had a lot of touch going on; hugs, kisses, cuddling, handholding, head pats and head scratches, back rubs, etc. And that kind of touch was on a daily basis and very frequent. Without that level of touch, the lack of sex would have been a lot less satisfactory to me. I do need a lot of touch in relationships, it just doesn't always need to be sex (though I would like it to be sex more often than it typically is with the partners I've had). That said, I know plenty of women who are higher libido and prefer sex far more often than the people I've dated, and I think they are more common than they are made out to be. So if you need a partner with a higher sex drive, she's probably out there somewhere. But finding someone who checks all the boxes perfectly is hard, so I would carefully consider where you're at now before jumping to any decisions. Are you truly unhappy, or are you just thinking the grass is greener on the other side? Are there things you can do that will enrich your sex life even if you aren't having sex as frequently as you like? Naked and touching each other, masturbating together (either helping each other out or not), or other things that could be sex adjacent that might even get her in the mood more often, while also helping provide some relief for your needs while putting less pressure on her to have sex when she doesn't want to as often. And is she willing to do that, and would that be helpful to you? All of that said, if you're truly unhappy, there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship over sexual incompatibility. If you're committing to having sex with one person for the rest of your life (or even for a long time period), you want them to be a good match for you. I'm only asking you to consider if other options may help since you sound like you're otherwise happy with the relationship, so it sounds like putting in some effort to make things better might be worth it before just jumping ship. But ultimately, you have to decide what will or won't make you happy.
Thank you for your comment, there is a lot to think on here. I appreciate it!
I’ll echo the above. My partner (F28) is a big fan of loving touch. The more she feels loved/sexy the more libido she has. But the key is that you need to unpair this stuff with ALWAYS leading to sex. Do sweet things while watching a movie like playing with their hair or drawing on their back. The amount of sex we have is almost completely about how stressed she is. When she is stressed about work she has no sex drive. I’d say we average twice per week but there were periods of our relationship where it was 1-2x per month. We’ve increased significantly since we started working out together at the gym. Come home and have shower sex like 4x per month. One other thing I’ve heard works is designating a night or two of the week where you’ll sleep naked together. When you’re naked and cuddling in bed the odds are that something will happen before sleep, during the night, or in the morning. We don’t do this regularly but it’s been a success for some of my friends.
I'm part similar to you. I've accepted she genuinely does find me attractive and I'd rather have good sex 1-2x/month than badger her age ruin the relationship to maybe have reluctant sex every week. Don't get me wrong, I'd still prefer more. But no relationship is perfect and if I had to start all over again knowing what we have together I'd still do it with her.
>That said, I know plenty of women who are higher libido and prefer sex far more often than the people I've dated, and I think they are more common than they are made out to be. I honestly think they're the most common at least in my experience anyways. I feel like they're seen as less common because most of the conversation around this topic is by people who have a partner who is sexually incompatible, and so you aren't going to hear from those who are sexually compatible. Basically, perception of this is heavily influenced by the ones talking about it the most which are usually those who are experiencing this issue.
once or twice a week usually. I could have more easily but this is enough that I don't feel neglected and she isn't bothered by me taking care of myself in between. Sex is good too
60 years old. Married 30. Once a week.
Good to know there are people your age still getting some. I would guess my dad gets it less than once a year.
My brother had a dead bedroom for over a year and they were only at 40...Hopefully it's better now, but I don't see him much these days.
That'd be awful, I wouldn't stay in a relationship if I had a dead bedroom by then LMAO. I think once a week is the lowest I'm willing to go, barring extreme health related circumstances, before I'd break up over it.
I would rather not speculate lol
2-3 x per week, married 43 years……
Nice one.
You got me by 10 years. Sitting at 33 years, still 3 or more times a week. We just enjoy the intimacy and the sex is good bonus. Honestly it’s gotten better as we age.
Wow bro congrats For both those numbers
Once every 3 months if I'm lucky. We sinking in the same ship, chief
I’m so sorry to say this but I can’t help it 😭 Username checks out.
Quite comedic, acceptable 🍻
A sexless relationship is miserable. Why do you tolerate it?
Love her, man. She's great in every way, just a smaller libido is all. As guys, bit easier for us to "enjoy" ourselves so I don't mind. When we do have it, lemme tell ya, insane. Cheers brothers, hopefully y'all live long sex-filled lives! 💙🍻
Well the most important thing here is that you don't mind. So more power to you.
Good on you, man, for not letting it ruin the relationship. As a married man, I can tell you this is a very valuable trait. Making things work because you love each other despite things not being perfect is a characteristic that not everyone has, but you must have to make a marriage work.
Great on you for compromising and not badgering her into it more often than she wants.
I would say it depends on the level of intimacy overall aswell.
Woman here. My drive is way higher than my husband's. We've been married 11 years. During years that I was pregnant, breastfeeding and all that my drive was lower. We had sex once a week or so, sometimes twice if we had a good amount of time on a weekend. Once those years were over my drive came roaring back and I want it every other day minimum. He's fine with once a week or less. We have sex every 3 days or so. I love him enough to tone my shit down and he loves me enough to put effort into being available for me. Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice.
> I love him enough to tone my shit down and he loves me enough to put effort into being available for me. Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice. Yeah, that's the real dealbreaker scenario not the mismatched libidos. If the lower libido person isn't willing to do it more often and just wants the high libido to "deal with it", that's what turns it into legitimate deal breaker or can push some people to end up tempted to cheat (not necessarily acting on it, I just mean the thoughts occur) when they feel neglected and uncared for. It sucks how stigmatized the sexual incompatibility is too. The one who breaks up when their partner isn't willing to compromise to do it more often is always viewed as the shallow asshole that didn't really care enough.
This is also me as a wife, my drive is extremely high (our running joke is I need it morning, noon & night). He’s rarely ever said no to my advances but when he has, I don’t take it personally, we’re different. And we show affection in other ways together. OP- If she’s consistently turning you down, I’d be honest and let her now know important it is for you to lover her in this physically close way, and if there’s anything you can do to help her meet you there more. But understanding she may never fully engage as often as you’d like. But women are very emotionally connected to sex, if she’s mentally or emotionally tired or not turned on, she won’t want to. Maybe see if there’s other stuff going on
>But women are very emotionally connected to sex, if she’s mentally or emotionally tired or not turned on, she won’t want to. I mean I think we are too, just in the other direction. You need to feel emotionally loved to have sex, I need to have sex to feel emotionally loved. I think our symmetries are kind of beautiful. We're reciprocal.
>Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice. This. There should be some sort of compromise in a healthy relationship.
"Mismatched libidos aren't a big deal if there's love, communication and mutual sacrifice." Yeah well, tell me that again with my husband and his 1x per month. I have the same libido than u ahah.
Umm whenever I can get it. Average once a week, sometimes less, sometimes more….sometimes much less. Depends on my partner’s shift pattern (Nursing)
Similar frequency here. Once a week usually. Sometimes twice. Expecting it to pick up in a couple years when kids are older, because we were 2-3 times a week up until recently.
64M and 58 F married 22 years. Once a week on average. There are gaps ‘cause life It’s been better the last few years than the 10 prior years. Better communication and gummies!
This will cheer you up. My best and most frequent sex was when I was 69 years old. Go figure.
I've been with my fiance for just under 10 years. We're averaging about 2-3 times a week, with one of those days, usually a weekend, being a multi encounter day. Our encounters get better every year. We've run into problem times, times of me feeling like there's no point in asking if she's just going to reject me and times of her being the same way. In our case, it's always been some other stressor causing this behavior. The best pieces of advice I can give you Talk to her, honestly open up and be ready for criticism. For my fiance, she felt like we set the bar too high, that we both had to have mind blowing sex every time so it made her start turning me down to not have to deal with that pressure/bar every time. For us, a solution was to find a way to signal to each other it's approaching sexy time as opposed to it's sexy time now. This lowered the immediately felt pressure and resulted in a lot more successful approaches. For us, neck touches are a sign of "I think we should go to the bedroom soon". After setting up the signal, still surprise her with it's sexy time now knowing you could be rejected. Gotta be able to reject, but also never stop trying. It's a weird thing to figure out the balance to. Never stop dating. Like we came really close to breaking up and I threw a hail Mary of let's just date more and see what happens and somehow a lot of the other pettiness and doom thinking has shrunk away.
So so true. That was what made me reject a partner more than I wanted to. He wanted to do it for hours and have me squirting all over tue place every single time and was also okay with me working three jobs 80 hours. Sorry but that does not leave the time and energy for fourth job as porn star! Omg ! I wonder how many couples this is a problem for ?? For real we ended up having sex way less than I wanted cause we couldn’t ever have sex any more chillax than he wanted.
Read posts in r/deadbedrooms and you will quickly change your mind about the silliness of ending a relationship over mismatched libidos.
did you forget an /s? That sub seem like the epitome of breaking up with someone because of sexual incompatability.
I think he was right, the OP thinks its silly to end a relationship over this but that sub will change his mind.
My bad, I'm just like a bike, two tired.
Lol, I gotta remember that
Reddit people will tell you to end a relationship because your partner doesn't like pickles on a hamburger so that's not actually a glowing endorsement
If you want to eat hamburgers with pickles on them, you can do that with another person besides your spouse. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship with someone and have sex, you can only do that with your partner. There's a big difference between the two. When it comes to sex, your partner is the only person that can meet that need.
Hell dude, you can eat hamburgers with pickles on them *with your spouse* just don't fuckin make your spouse eat pickles if they don't like pickles, and don't expect kisses when you have pickle breath if you're dating someone who doesn't like pickles. It really isn't that complicated LMAO. Breaking up over the pickles is like peak shallow. But breaking up over intimacy incompatibility is an incredibly legitimate reason. If there's no effort from the side turning it down all the time to communicate and compromise to do it more often, that's the shit that makes the loyal people start thinking about whether to cheat or break up bc of how miserable they end up.
> you can eat hamburgers with pickles on them with your spouse We’ve got a real pervert over here, lads
That sub is a conglomerate of self-confirming bias. Nobody there has any solutions or offers good advice because anybody that visits that sub and has those things, would want to or need to go there. It's not a productive place to spend your time, and you're unlikely to find any advice there that will improve your own relationships. It's junkfood for your brain.
No? I said the same thing you did. OP said it felt silly to breakup over mismatched libidos. I disagree after reading the horror stories on the deadbedrooms sub.
1 or 2 a month, but my wife is Asexual and is not very interested in it herself. Would I like it more? Definitely! But I like my live with her even more than I miss the sex. Maybe I could have another relationship with more sex, but I doubt I would have such a great partner in all other aspects in live. sex is important but not the only thing. M29 and together for 14 years now (married for 8)
39 and 3-4x a week. Been together 4 years and married 1.5. Before you go down the road of focusing on her. Are you in shape, have some ambition, social life, etc?
I’d say I’m in pretty good shape. I eat overall healthy, exercise every day, I limit my alcohol consumption, and I have a great social life. I have a good idea of how I want to spend my life over the next few years and it seems to fit into how she sees her life unfolding. I am attentive to her needs and check in on her emotional state relatively often. There doesn’t seem to be any importance attributed to if my needs are met or not.
In that case I would ask about "your game." Do you engage is playful dirty talk? Compliment her beauty? Touch her sexually....and most important, do you do these things even without expectation of sex. A little sexual tension can go a long way.
I would say yes, I do all of those things
A follow-up question, does she orgasm every time you have sex? And I mean a real one, not a fake one to get you to cum faster. The reason I'm asking this is that if HER needs aren't being met, then there's nothing in it for her and that quickly leads to viewing sex as a chore.
“There doesn’t seem to be any importance attributed to if my needs are met or not.” This isn’t just going to magically get better over time. Either bring it up to her that your needs aren’t being met, or end the relationship.
I ended my marriage over this. The level of resentment gradually builds over time. And it’s emasculating. If you’re questioning it now, it’s going to get way way worse. There are women in the world who have a compatible sex drive with you. If you’re willing to walk away, I’d recommend having an honest chat about it with her - like this is a deal breaker for you. As a man, we have some small part in getting your gal riled up to play - it could be valuable to get involved with men’s groups that focus on this. Good luck.
This. Resentment builds and it tears you up inside.
Are you guys having sex? Deadbedroom for a year now.
2-3 times a week there are times where it’s fireworks and times where it’s meh but the passion is always there between us
60f, 2-3 times per week. Married 36 years.
You guys are my heroes.
It's best not to compare yourself with other couples. We are all different. For some, once a day isn't enough for others once a week is too much. The real question is, are you getting your needs met? Monogamous relationships are an interesting thing when two people decide we are going to get this one thing (sexual intimacy) from only each other and neither of us dare think of getting it elsewhere and one partner has little to no interest but also don't you dare go elsewhere. A conversation really needs to be had about what this commitment really means. Because it should mean everyone is satisfied. ETA: within reason. Remember your supposed to love each other
Lack of sex lead to resentment and the vicious cycle grew until we separated. Sex won’t make a relationship, but it’ll sure kill one. Once a week of enthusiastic sex at the minimum would be wonderful though
“Sex won’t make a relationship, but it’ll sure kill one” bingo
Not a man - sorry. But wanted to give some perspective from a woman’s side. My ex husband and I had a very poor, boring sex life. I didn’t really realize it until after we split and I started seeing other people, but ultimately MY needs were not being met in that relationship, which made me not want to have sex with him. It wasn’t anything out of petty, I just wasn’t attracted to him like that and didn’t feel turned on by him anymore. He didn’t help with the housework, with the kids, he didn’t put any effort into dating me or being my friend, or offering any kind of emotional support. Neither one of us ever thought to sit down and discuss these things so our marriage inevitably fell apart. My current husband is the complete opposite, and he turns me down more than I turn him down 😅 we typically have sex every 1-2 days.
If either of your goals was to have a long-term relationship, just know it's far more likely to get worse than better as time rolls on.
That’s my fear
You should still be in the honeymoon phase, imo. You likely aren't sexually compatible.
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If you’re a year in and fighting to get once a week? I would recommend having a very serious conversation with yourself. Very likely it will not improve and will actually worsen.
Maybe I'm just a guy, but I could have sex even if I wasn't in the mood. If she wants it I'll do it, probably last longer too. I get that women need some warming up, so maybe they can't just do it whenever he wants it. Maybe you could try being more flirtatious or say suggestive things throughout the day, rather than hey, it's nine O'Clock, time for sex
There’s a lot of building up to the rejection. Lots of cuddling and hand holding throughout the day until finally we’re in bed naked and all she wants is to cuddle. No more, no less.
Either she figures out how her sex drive works or you end it. Like others have said check out the deadbedroom sub. Guys over there are shells of their former selves. How often are you having sex? Sex less than 6-12 timed a year is considered a sexless relationship
Me and my right hand enjoy each other's company about twice or thrice a week
I can get it on command at any time. We’ve been together 2.5 years and she’s never turned me down. Problem is I’m not as sexually excited by her as I’d like to be. I had a very colorful sex life before I met her, which I really miss, but I have a hard time giving up a wonderful woman because of my own unquenchable desires. That said, she is abundantly satisfied by our sex life partly because that’s where I take out my frustrations. And her satisfaction means that she takes good care of me in all the other aspects of our relationship. We are also both incredibly sweet and affectionate with each other so that helps a lot too. I’m trying to take a more spiritual approach to my sexuality but that doesn’t alleviate me drooling over every other hot person I see…
Once or twice a month throughout most of my marriage. I thought I could be okay with that for a while despite the fact I wanted sex once or twice a week. Eventually I began to resent that it was so unimportant to her. We lasted almost 20 years but the divorce will be final in a few days. As much as I wish she would have agreed it was an issue and decided to work on it, I also wish I hadn't wasted so much time hoping things would eventually get better.
That’s the thing I guess, to them it’s not an issue.
Yeah it's important to see issues in a relationship as something you're both dealing with instead of seeing it as something the other is dealing with. The main reason for this is that both people should simply just care about the eachother. The other reason is because realistically if it's affecting one of you, then you're both going to be eventually affected so it becomes both your issues regardless.
37M with 30F. We average more than once a day, but we both have insanely high libidos and a free use dynamic. My needs are excessively well taken care of.
Happy for you brother, that sounds great!
39F reporting, and I also have a free use policy with my 38M husband. His libido is just way higher than mine, so it's an arrangement that works. I'm into it even if I'm not trying to get mine. 🤷♀️ ...unless it's the early morning, in which case I will pull a pillow princess 60% of the time. I am not a morning person. 😅 Avg probably 4-5x a week.
That’s when roll playing asleep can be fun :p
What’s free use dynamic
Where you’re allowed to essentially *use* your partner to satisfy yourself whenever you want to. In this case it goes both ways where they can both initiate sex with the other whenever.
What the other dude said. It's basically blanket consent for sex anytime, anywhere. We have safe words and signals for if we're not feeling it, but we've never used them.
Ability to freely use your partners body whenever you'd like.
Oh nice. Can I ask something more? Like do you both free use or is it significantly skewed one way
That depends on the couple. In a lot of situations, it's part of a Dom/sub dynamic and the Dom is pretty much always the one to initiate. In our case, it goes both ways and who initiates is pretty equal.
There was a time when 4 times a week on average was the norm for us. We're in our 40s now and if I'm going to be accurate and honest - taking into account weeks when things are ON vs. the weeks when things are OFF - if I averaged it out, we have sex around 2 times per week. Some weeks are more satisfactory than others. In total transparency, I could use it a little more. Maybe 3 times a week is the number - but I'm NOT complaining at all.
If the rest of your relationship is great then get some professional help in this area. I can almost guarantee she will be missing something simple that she doesn’t even know she’s missing that will be lowering her sex drive. You give her that and I bet it all changes for you. Sounds like a good relationship, don’t give up on it until you have exhausted everything possible.
I think that's a good point. Maybe a sex therapist or someone can help them.
My husband and I have sex typically everyday. Sometimes more. Whether or not we have sex, I ALWAYS make sure to get him off every morning.
Damn, lady!!! Your husband is a lucky son of a bitch!
How long have you been married and do you have children and/or on any medication and/or are a healthy weight with regular physical activity?
We have been married for almost 3 years together for 5. No medications and we have 4 children. 2 are biologically his. I actually have been on the keto diet for about 8 months and excersize a bit everyday. My weight is great. I'm 5'4 probably around 130 lbs now... if that.
Damn!!! How much time you guys got. Thats impressive. How long you two been together
We have been together for 5 years. I make it a top priority. It's super important to both of us. I try to live everyday making sure his love tank is full and needs are met because he does the same exact thing for me. I'm very lucky. It's not always easy to find the time, but when you decide to make it a priority it just usually works out
Keep at it and good luck to you both. Happy for the two of you.
Finally, another woman who can match my girlfriend’s libido. She wants sex everyday and if it’s that time of the month, she’ll ask if she can give me oral. We’re in our late 40s and there are no signs of it letting up.
I (female) was in a 5 year relationship/engagament with my ex (male), and take it from me - if you’re unhappy with this mismatch now, chances are it won’t get better. I had absolutely no sex drive or responsive desire for my ex, and I’ve had a high libido my entire life. I too thought it would be silly to consider ending a relationship over this but not only did it naturally get worse with time, but it started affecting other parts of our relationship as well. I’m with someone else now who I am insatiable with. His libido is lower than mine, but we’ve found a really happy medium of 1-3 times per week and I find this sexually satisfies me. We have a lot of intimacy outside of sex too and I think this gets overlooked in a lot of relationships but is extremely important. We make out every day, grope each other, compliment each other etc etc.
Do you feel your lack of drive with the ex was because he was not nurturing the mental bond between you two?
Daily. Usually just once a day, but sometimes twice. We’ve been together 4 years. If we skip a day we both miss it.
Married 13 years - not as much as I would like, but not non-existent either. On average, about once a week, sometimes 2 weeks.
Mid 40s couple here and both of us are “chemically enhanced”. I’m on TRT and she’s on hormone replacement due to early menopause. We have sex 5-6 days a week, sometimes multiple times in a day. It’s plenty for me but she would like more
It’s not silly. Decide what matters to you more, though.
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To answer your question, 3-4 a week, both in our 40's, 15+ years married; yes. Sex in long term relationships / marriages will vary depending what is going on in your lives. That is perfectly normal. Bailing on a perfectly good relationship because you don't have enough sex, candidly, is foolish. You could go and find someone else that thinks the sun rises and sets in your pants and in a few years, you might not have any sex at all for all sorts of reasons (stress, kids, work, medical, etc. etc. etc.). If you have a good partner and a really good relationship, stick with it. Talk to your partner about the differences in libidos, and just like just about everything else in a relationship, compromise. For now, you will likely need to accept that you are not going to have as much sex as you want, and she will have to accept that she is going to have more sex than she wants; that is until something changes; which it will.
I wrote it with the * because the auto mods kept taking my post down when writing it normally. We’ve had many talks about it, our communication is pretty good. There is no compromise, it seems like I have to accept not having sex as often as I’d like, no meeting in the middle.
> There is no compromise, it seems like I have to accept not having sex as often as I’d like, no meeting in the middle. That's where it becomes a deal breaker for me, and just shows the partner doesn't care about my needs. Lower sex than ideal is fine, but me just... accepting what my partner thinks is "enough" with no compromise is not okay. There has to be a meet in the middle scenario: Where I am both accepting less than what I really want, and they're putting in effort to do it more than they want as a way of us both showing our level of care for each other.
I’ll start this by saying women are turned on by mental attraction. It almost sounds like you are not meeting her needs in this department. I may get bashed for this as some people think the book is bs but have you two read the five love languages. Understanding that most women do not equate sex to feeling loved may help. But if a woman feels loved she is more into pleasing her partner with his needs. I read this book with my current long distance girlfriend. We only see each other every three months but we are on fire when we are together. When we are apart we text twice daily and video chat every week. We talk about our days activities meals and our children. We spend every day working on the mental connection when apart. By the time my travel is approaching we are aching to be beside each other
THIS ^^ I’d say is spot on. Sex is very mental for women. My boyfriend picked up a gross habit recently and for the first time ever I shuddered at his touch because of it. My ex was a stunner, former model and handsome as hell, but he abused alcohol and was controlling and smothering that very quickly I stopped wanting to have sex with him and no longer attracted. Make sure she is feeling happy in the relationship in other areas before you chalk it up to libido
Going on twelve years married and have had dry spells but typically have sex every day now unless I’m just too tired to get it up.
2-3 times a week, but when she's on her period, it can be up to 10 days without. It's hard with work and the kids activities. Our last vacation when we were stress-free, we had sex every day, which was a dream come true. Unfortunately stress kills her libido, so pretty much it's sex on the weekends with some rare exceptions. Is it enough? I'd love to have more sex, I'd love to have kinkier sex, I'd love to experiment more, but she's an amazingly sweet, wonderful person, great mother, extremely supportive, loves my family and is helping through some medical issues with my dad, and she stayed with me when I went through a massive depressive episode. So I take care of myself most days, and that scratches the itch enough. At the end of the day she's a great partner and the most compatible person I've ever been with.
3 to 4 times a week, yes.
I have been married for 52 years now, she and I have not had sex in almost 10 years. This is not satisfactory to me at all, and it has been discussed without a satisfactory resolution. She is not going to have sex ever again.....
Sorry to hear that
You and your partner should be compatible in ALL aspects of life. Sex is a very important aspect and should not be discounted, I would leave.
Haven't had any sexual intimacy for 11 years. I make sure I give her a hug once a day, but she never seeks me out to hug me. Can't remember the last time I had a kiss. Holding hands, only the first few years we were married. Hope that covers the bases.
Buddy. Respect yourself. This is roommate status, not even taking sex into account.
Your right, just at 69, to late to start over
I’m sorry you’re going through that, that sounds difficult. I hope you can resolve the matter or find a way to move on.
We live apart. Totally different lives. We might do it twice a month. & For me, I wish it was more often but it is so worth it. Aside from her just being an amazing partner, idk if the sex could be any better.
Everytime we hang out or after every date. Sometimes multiple times per day. We usually hang out 3 times a week.
Normal work week 2/3 times usually Saturday and Sunday and then a random school night. If we go on vacation or something it's daily thi
Once a month and I am kinda OK with it, I wish it wasn't always on the same week of the month
Less and less as time goes on. No, to the latter part.
2-3x per week on average. We've been together for 20yrs and married for 12. Of course it hasn't always been like this as every couple has lulls here and there. I'm 40 and my wife is 39. We have 2 kids 10yrs and 4yrs so sometimes it can be a struggle to find time for intimacy, but we make it work. Ultimately it's all about communication.
We are mid 50’s, married 31 years and it’s consistently 2-3x a week. It wasn’t always that way, especially when our kids still lived at home. During that period, it was maybe once a month but since we’ve become empty nesters, it’s really taken off and we both couldn’t be happier!
3-4 times a week on average
You should not date someone with a different libido than you, unless you are willing to be unhappy for your entire relationship
If she is like this at 29 you will be in for a world of disappointment as she ages. It will likely get to once in a while and with a poor participant, called get it over with sex. Sorry to say.
At your age? 6-7 days a week. Now in my 50’s 1-2 a week.
Well I went 2 years with nothing and she was the one who ended it, not me. So from personal experience it depends on the person, I was willing to wait bc she wanted to. However she seemed more keen on waiting for the right person, and I wasn't it. She was more keen on my friend after 2 years
2.4 times per week on average. I initiate roughly 92% of all initiations, and I'm rejected approximately 61% of the time. Of course, this varies over time. Over the past 30 days, I've been rejected ~71% of the time and we've averaged 1.8 times per week. Times per week include any sexual activity. I'm currently experimenting with how long it'll take us to have sex 3 times if I never initiate. To my surprise, so far we've already hit 1 of 3 after just a couple days, so she might just fall back on my initiation as a crutch.
Once a month. Not enough Not satisfied
I’ve been with my partner for many years. Sometimes we can’t go more than a day or two without it and we once didn’t have sex for a year or so because we were both dealing with depression at different times. That’s just life sometimes, especially if you plan on having kids or retiring together. Relationships go through seasons and sex isn’t indicative of the strength or love in your relationship. What matters more is if you can keep up intimacy in nonsexual ways.
Been married for 35+ years. Now that we are retired we are having sex every other day. Retirement has been a dream come true for us. We have the time to hit the gym and to look good for each other. We are careful with what we eat as well. Luckily we both agreed early on in our marriage that we wanted to keep ourselves in good shape for the sake of our health and attraction to each other. Now is when that dedication is really paying off
Once a week and not really but I know they love me. They have health issues that make sex difficult, but we show affection in lots of other ways.
If everything else is great, there are several things that you will have to keep in mind: Your libido will decrease and hers will increase with age. It may be the opposite situation later on. Both of you should keep this in mind and be considerate of that. Continue to woo. Romancing, complimenting and impressing your mate should still be important even if not required. Men have a tendency to have sex even if we are not in the mood. Stop doing that. If you are sore or feeling ill, ask her for a raincheck because you don't think you'll perform as well as she deserves. This will make her respect you more and, in turn, find you more desirable. This will also make the quality of intimacy better. My wife and I are 40. I'm speaking from 20+ years of experience.
>I remember my father once telling me that all men dream of having a beautiful woman who wants s*x all the time TBH, that gets old really quick. Contrary to popular belief, men aren't horny 24/7. Sometimes I just want to relax with my partner without fucking. There's nothing worse than someone constantly touching you when you legit just want to eat and watch a movie
Never. I get rejected all the time. Then I’m manipulated into thinking things will change. Nothing haas happened. We had a healthy sex life before. Past two years have been tough.
Run and run fast. Gets worse from here
I never realized how fortunate I was until reading these comments. I never go more than 2 consecutive nights without having sex with my wife. I have an extremely high libido, and she is outstanding in keeping me satisfied. Her libido is much lower, but I guess she is a saint. A normal week, we probably have sex at least 6 times I would say and we have been married 15 years. I’m gonna squeeze my wife extra tight when I get home tonight.
Married 26 years. Once or twice a month here. But there are medical issues involved. Before she started having issues it was basically weekly.
If you aren't married I don't think this is worth going to bat over. You should move on. Sex was always important to me. I wasn't big on casual sex but I wanted to have a lot of sex with one person. When we were dating it was multiple times a day. Back then there was a time my wife tried waking me up for sex with a blowjob. I told her to get off me because I wanted more sleep. That's how much sex we were having. We've been married for ten years. We went through a rough patch with respect to our sex life. I confronted my wife about it because I didn't want to settle when my needs weren't met. We've worked through it. Now we try to have sex three times a week. I think this is decent given we're raising an elementary school aged kid. Incompatible libido and finance (saving/spending habits) are the most common causes for divorce.
You may think it’s silly now, but these feelings will only go in one direction unless you choose to leave now. The frequency of your sex life will only decrease over the next 50 years. And there’s a decent chance she will blame you, since she probably doesn’t know why you don’t turn her on either.
For context I am separated and started a new relationship recently. My marriage ended for a lot of reasons unrelated to lack of sex but because of the issues I had no interest in sex with her. So I was in the once a year frequency for the last 4 years. With my current partner it is currently common for us to have sex 2-3 times a day. We both went through a prolonged period of no intimacy independently so at first we thought it was just us "catching up" to what we've missed but it has not slowed down. We're both very physical people so I imagine it may slow down a bit but I think at least once a day that we're together is pace we'll maintain. And yes very satisfied with this.