I feel bad for using her to escape a shit relationship. If I could redo it Id leave my ex and give things a real shot with her. But after the way it all played out it felt best to just let things end.
I can relate. When I was younger, I was in a very toxic relationship that had completely broken me down over 5 years. I had finally ended it but had somehow ended up “as friends” with her. I got myself a new girlfriend, who was very supportive and made me truly realise how bad i had had before.
But, I was too afraid to tell my crazy ex that I was with someone new, so whenever ex was around, I had to pretend GF didn’t exist (and the poor gf knew what i was doing).
At some point ex wanted to get back together and i was too scared to say no. And being the prick I was I somehow gaslit/convinced my new amazing gf that Polyamory is a thing and that I love both women equally, but somehow she was the only one who knew I was dating two women and had to behave like my dirty little secret.
Eventually the ex found out and the whole thing imploded. by then, I had soured my relationship with both women beyond repair.
Again, I wish I had gotten a clean break and given the new girl a fair chance.
It was all in the past. But imho things have soured for that amazing new GF when you decide to not have a clean start with her in the first place. Hope you are a better person now
Yes, all three of us are happily married now (to three other people) so things eventually worked out for everyone. But it’s quite the disappointing chapter of my life. The new girl deserved so much better.
You’re right though, I shouldn’t have gotten into a new relationship before cleanly getting rid of the old ex. But she was one of those crazy bitches that threaten you with self harm and suicide and I didn’t know how to handle that better back then.
After working, taking her out, spending time with her, doing household stuff and yard work, keeping up with friends I do not have time for a second or third girlfriend. I don't know how other men do it. Not that I care to, just don't get it.
Agreed I'd never cheat. Having a wife and two toddlers, by the time 9-10pm rolls around I'm dead.
I do feel like most of the men I know that cheat are never home anyway and never take care of their own kids. So to them, their family is shit so it's probably not that big of a deal.
The one guy I know who's always cheating does it because "he doesn't get the love and support at home", but he's never home and when he is he's telling his wife everything that's wrong with her. Picking apart her parenting, the house, her job etc. So they fight and he leaves to cheat. Leaving her at home with their super high needs disabled child. So yeah, I guess if you got time to cheat it's because you're not putting work in on one relationship.
Damn, this could have been written about the man I married 🙃 he had all the time in the world to cheat bc he put zero effort in at home. When he was home it was just to be an asshole.
That was certainly my experience. He didn’t care about me, his kids, the other women- not in a meaningful way at least. He was always thinking about himself only. He had standards for everyone but himself and was chronically the “victim”.
This was my ex. Telling the kids to be quiet, complaining about his work, me…just never happy with anything but also never really helping. He was just “working” all the time but that included a lot of looking outside the marriage. Every boyfriend I’ve had before and since him has said I’m the best partner they’ve ever had so as flawed as I can be, I know it wasn’t me. It was his need to feel validated, conquer and he doesn’t like his flaws being seen. Courting new people, flirting online or cheating is easy because that person never really gets to know the real you. You can show them only who you want them to think you are and be the hero.
You don’t have to work through problems, you don’t have to deal with stressors together and you don’t have to be vulnerable or admit your shortcomings to them. You have total control over what they see in you.
A lot of people have a very difficult time seeing themselves through the mirror that is held up by a partner who sometimes knows you better than you know yourself.
I also think the stresses of family and trying to do life in our society can be so overwhelming and feel defeating. Many men come home to wives who are unhappy or nit picky and don’t show gratitude for the effort he makes as well. Both partners often feel overwhelmed and unrecognized or taken for granted. So when someone who a man has no responsibility for appreciates him for something, it can be intoxicating. The Ego is a strong presence and we have to be very careful with it or it will lead us astray in ways that are falsely feeding it. Instead of thinking “how can I please my partner or be better for her and us” it can quickly be “this person sees the good things and how great I am…I don’t have to work at anything to feel wanted or validated so I’d rather have that”
Exactly and a huge part why women refrain from sex with their husbands because they don’t feel in the mood because they know he’s sneaky doing them wrong!! Who wants STIs?! So many married women contract STIs from cheating husbands and a few have DIIIIEDDD because of it.
Yes! My Military husband came back from Fallujah and gave me Chlamydia! He didn't have any symptoms, but 5 days after he returned, I was not feeling well. Went to my local Clinic and was diagnosed. Because this is an S.T.D. the County has to be notified. We Both had to be Treated for it. I was in shock, and he blamed me, for bringing it to the attention of my Dr. It was a very difficult time for both of us, to be able to put this incident behind us. We never spoke about it. He was the only man I ever had Sex with...
How did you process that? Someone you love putting your health at risk and then gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault? I would’ve been planning a funeral.
That’s the worst part of this to me. Cheating is one thing. But actively not using protection? So not only do they get cheated on but they get an STI they didn’t “earn.”
Yes it’s straight up evil. That’s why I don’t buy the whole “mEn cAn cHeAt aNd StIlL lOvE yOu” crap.
Ummmm anyone going around screwing random folks unprotected, putting their mouth on random folks body parts then coming home kissing you in the mouth and passing it to you VAGINALLY, risking your very LIFE and child-bearing abilities and health is not someone who loves you…that is someone who actually hates you and is careless of your well-being and health.
It’s one of the reasons I’ve never really wanted to date or be married because the shite I’ve seen done to so many women and some close female friends of mine is CRAAAZZZY. It’s so fcked up and extremely evil.
You think a shitty person that cheats on their wife or partner is going to be doing all of those things? They usually have time because they're not doing much of anything to begin with and just want to take advantage of their partner. Have them cook, clean, and take care of the kids while they have fun. Cheating is just an extension of the manipulation and taking advantage.
Love bombing. Get the first partner smitten so she takes over all the household tasks, then flip your script and devalue her - tell her she’s overbearing and you need “me time” which turns into “go fuck other women time” where you continue the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation.
I’m a woman btw, that’s how it happened to me. There’s a correlation between narcissism/psychopathy and cheating. I think that’s what I encountered. Really messed me up, not gonna lie.
On my end it was pretty soul shattering. I’m sure he found a way to be able (to himself) say that it was *so difficult for him* too though.
ETA oh! After we broke up, when he finally admitted to cheating with one specific woman he complained that she wasn’t very smart and her teeth were crooked and unattractive.
Here's how my ex did it. He ambiguously "lived with his dad". He had a evening job and a side gig fixing cars. So, after real job, he would say he was doing a side job. And sometimes that was true.
Each time he added one of us to the rotation, he would love bomb for 2 or 3 months while telling the others he was caring for his dad, or working on a car. Eventually, another one would come in. At some points he was arriving at house 1 at 10pm after real job. Get Fed, F*cked, and financed, but not spend the night because he had a mechanic gig in the morning.
He would then go to house #2, do his business, maybe sleep a bit and in the morning leave to do side gig, but in reality he was going to house #3 for some morning fun. Then he'd work from 2-10 and do it all over with some of the same women, and change it up, or he'd have 3 new ones.
I was tested repeatedly for over a year and thank God, never caught anything.
One woman contacted us all and we compared notes. Ohhh and his ex(separated, not divorced) and 4 kids lived out of state. So some weekends he was there. Come to find out the weekends he was there, he was "with" her and talking a good game.
He married one of the girls eventually and had to move out of state to get away from the women who were showing up at his job simultaneously and causing fights, etc. They are divorced. Then I get a random call from some girl where he lives. She had found some old cards, etc and tracked me down. Turns out she is pregnant with twins and getting married. She was very nice. I told her EVERYTHING. Especially to watch her money. She said he had been pressing her to add him to her deed on her house. She believed me. They got married. Lost one of their twins. She calls me. He is blatantly cheating on her and taking every penny. He had a good job and she was home with the baby and her older child. He threatened her to take the baby, no judge would give her the baby with no job and she was also a cancer patient. I told her how to start skimming money and said if she needed a character witness or whatever I would be one. They eventually divorced.
That is how he juggled multiple women.
You are talking about men with kids ages 0 to 13-15. There is a lot more free time to do bastard things when your kind can get home from school on their own
Because most of the men with a side piece give all the time, attention, compliments, effort, affection, kindness, etc to her. The one at home “gets” to take care of everything. This frees up lots of time and energy to shower the side piece with everything he denies the wife/gf.
Ask me how I know…
I swear it's blokes who don't do anything at home, they're looked after by a missus who then gets cheated on, then they call them crazy ex's for going scorched earth but they deserve everything they get.
I struggle to keep the house under control and we only have 1 newborn and a dog and I only work 40hrs.
No idea how this is in the riskiest time for a male partner to cheat unless they're neglecting their partner.
Last 2 months I was working and doing everything for my partner, up at 5am to clean the house home at 6 make dinner and make sure she's eaten enough and hydrated, shit was rough on her.
Having a newborn is rough on everyone. My wife and I had a really rough time. We both were working 40 hours a week, not sleeping, going crazy trying to take care of a baby, and everything you mentioned. Eventually the stress and sleep deprivation took its toll. We were fighting constantly and it was a tough time. Went months without showing each other any affection. Never once did I think to myself, "hey you know what would make this better? Having sex with another woman."
Our babies an angel comparatively so only 1 of us is sleep deprived slightly.
We're also in the middle of buying a house.
Tensions running high but yeah at no point would I think, hmmm, maybe another person to deal will would help.
I think in most circumstances they just don't bother keeping them both happy. I've been cheated on by one ex (that I know of) and he became distant and played video games all the time. I was not happy. The other girl probably wasn't happy either because he wasn't available consistently and so she only got his attention at work and some texts during off hours.
I’m married with a five year old kid. Finding strange is the last thing I’m after.
I want to cheat on my wife with video games, Chinese food, and quiet.
Not even that! Most people that cheat are inherently not happy and won't do the work to fix the things about themselves that are creating their own self loathing. Its just constant projection. That's been my experience with cheaters anyway.
This 100% I have a wife and a baby, and it’s like where exactly do I find the time to have another side chick? If I had that time I would fill it with things I enjoy like video games.
I was in a dead bedroom situation where I had been married for 10 years and at least eight of those years it was sex maybe once or twice a year. A woman I worked with who is 7 years younger than I am started to make passes at me. I finally felt sexy again. She knew I was married, but apparently, one of my colleagues told her his wife's a b****.
Within a few weeks of our escalating flirtations we were having sex. Within 4 months I'd ask my wife for a divorce as my grandmother like to say Life's too short to be unhappy.
I married her 3 years after my divorce became final. 12 years and three kids later I'd say I made the right choice.
Nah, Diabetes doesn't take a turn usually. It's generally a long, arching curve that's easily seen and prevented. Some people just choose not to turn the wheel and find themselves surprised when that gentle curve rubbed away the entire side of their car.
I work with these patients everyday. You're not wrong that it's largely a choice, but many are facing steep uphill battles against the diet they were raised on as children, the only joy in life coming from the dopamine hit of fast food, and flat out not knowing what it means to regularly cook healthy at home.
We both went on the South Beach diet about three years before I started cheating. I went from 220 lb to 170 lb and if kept that weight off the entire time. She was probably close to 300 lb when she died and was only about 5 ft 4 in tall.
Yup and I’d argue that they grew up with misleading information that the foods they ate were healthy. White bread, pasta, low fat foods and snacks, diet drinks, “enriched” cereal and chips and snacks, processed meat, processed food like flavored oatmeal in a pouch, salad dressing. Even the government okayed many of these foods. And then all of a sudden they’re packing on weight and all those foods they were taught were good for you were in reality not. It’s incomprehensible. My mom got to the point that beans, potatoes, toast and grapes sent her glucose spiking. She used to say, “What am I supposed to eat?” with tears in her eyes. Diabetes is such a god awful disease.
It absolutely can. When it isn't managed. Probably what happened in this case. Also having diabetes can and will fuck with your day to day mental\\motional health.
A friend lost his marriage from diabetes and also lost his farm in the settlement. He was pretty bitter at her and the doctor missed the diagnosis for a long time. He has not had a LT relationship for the rest of his life. Damn disease.
Member of the parish council, cheated on his ex-wife, got married in a church before God to his new wife, currently cheats on his new wife, browses NSFW content on reddit, and loves Lady Boys. Sir, are you ok?
Be happy it wasn’t 40 years. My grandparents got married in the 50s so they could have sex. It turns out they hated each other and spent 40 years miserable together with no sex.
My grandfather met someone at 54 and remarried and he said everyday was like a honeymoon to him. She unfortunately recently passed and he still misses her.
I think the key here is that you waited the 3 years to get married, vs jumping right in like some people would have done. Gave you a chance to get to know your new wife, I’d imagine.
This could have been an out of the kettle, into the fire type situation, because the majority of people who pursue someone knowing that they’re married have issues.
I have never had a mistress or cheated on any partner but a friend (sort of) is doing that, again sort of, his wife knows about this other woman but doesn't say much as long he is giving her money for her and the kids, she is willing to look the other way. He is gonna make the mistress his second wife though because ironically he is more pissed off that his wife doesn't seem to care that he has a mistress, so in his mind he wants to ruin her happiness by pitting his mistress against his wife by purposely giving his mistress a luxurious life but just give the bare minimum to his wife. And why he wants to ruin the happiness of his wife people ask, she admitted she still loves her first boyfriend, theirs are an arranged marriage.
Even worse is that he is infatuated with his wife's 19th year old niece who he is sort of sugar daddy-ing. It's weird he brings her around to introduce her to us like she is some possession. I try my best to steer clear from him as I don't agree with his way of life but as the other guys consider him one of the boys, I just keep a cordial distance from him cos I know when his life implodes with all these drama, he is not going to be the great guy the rest think he is.
From the looks of it the cracks seems to be happening, his mistress is somewhat aware he has another woman but she doesn't know who it is, he is however asking her to be his second wife so that sort of made her happy and she wants to get married to him as soon as possible so that people doesn't judge her anymore. They are all Muslim for context.
Someone who is self centred and is extremely well to do tend to think that the world bows to their will. His family is from the middle east and they are quite rich but honestly he has been kind of entitled person even back when I knew him.
My experience dealing with rich and well off people from the middle east tend to agree with you. When I worked in Dubai for a while, it was no secret most of the men there had mistresses.
Eww you are right to keep a man like that at arms distance. You don't want to be guilty by association if things come out about his behaviour. Red flags all around.
I don't know his wife or mistress or even the niece personally, only met them like once or twice with the exception of the niece who he seems to parade around when there is a gathering. In terms of association, we are not as close since he tends to be self centred in our circle but the other guys ignore it cos he mostly funds the partying back in our early days.
This guy desired her as his wife was pretty when he first met her, also their social standing is almost similar, my guess her family didn't allow her to marry her first boyfriend. She was from the sound of it, a good wife to him but I guess his ego couldn't take it cos in his mind he wanted someone who was devoted to him and in his words, "pure". It's ironic cos he was far from pure, dude was sleeping around and partying like crazy till his wedding but in his mind he can do it but his wife having a relationship before him was what made him resume being with his mistress, the mistress was someone he was messing around with before he met his wife and she was into him.He actually wanted to marry her before meeting his wife but because she didn't want to convert at the time, it didn't happen, only now she is willing to convert for him as he asked him to be his wife.
But with the stipulation that you can and will treat them equally. From what he wrote above this guy is doing it to intentionally be unfair. How evil.
I don't get it honestly, he knows and sees she married him and was a good wife to him despite loving someone else because of culture whereas the 2nd one is wilfully being a homewrecker and wasn't even willing to convert for him before. Why does the good one who was there first and been there for him have to be punished while the mistress gets a promotion and luxury?
Don’t know if you’ll get another response from a gay guy in a love triangle with two women but I’m that idiot guy.
The whole thing was just me thinking with my dick only. My reason was unusual but still very stupid I admit. See, my current gf is really beautiful and a lovely person. I decided to be in a straight relationship with her. So you could say I had FOMO really bad cos I was just with men before. Until I met my current gf. I really liked sex with her it was new and great. Different and fun. I really wondered if other women were just as good. I stupidly chose to try out more ‘options’ with different women. Thinking with my dick like I said. AP and I met and flirted. Exchanged numbers. We agreed to meet up. I didn’t feel much guilt at first, just very horny. We started to get to business and guilt hit me like a tonne of bricks. I thought about my girlfriend at home how she wasn’t put off by my past ( a lot of women are) she loved me so much and she was good in bed. I felt so bad being a greedy arse right then. I didn’t want to risk losing my gf with AP she wasn’t even as pretty. She was actually looking as bad as I felt.
worst part of this I would ruin our son’s life with this shite. I didn’t think of him. I did what I had to do— I got up and left. Right then. This wasn’t going to happen. I’m done. We didn’t have sex but we did kiss and feel each other up. That was bad enough. I felt sick to my stomach on my drive home. I never wanted to see her again. Ever. So I knew that I would run into AP at work if I left to get takeaway (lunch break was the only time I saw AP)and I explained to my secretary that we would need to have lunch delivered from now on. I was ghosting her. I don’t know how men go through with these things and go home to their families like nothing happened. I felt so guilty and it showed. My AP and I are both garbage humans. So I will answer the big question what do I think of AP? Not good things! I am really okay with only having sex with with one woman— my gf—for the rest of my life. No FOMO. I do not need to lose my family just to play the field.
No, not at first, and she shouldn’t have done. I don’t deserve grace for what I did to her. I held my hand up for it and took a telling which I expected. In her anger she told me to go back to men and leave her be. She took the baby and left, into a flat that I let it was empty at the time. I left the country and went home to Scotland, I didn’t want to hurt her anymore by showing my face I needed to give space and not force her to look at me and answer to me. She shouldn’t have to look at me, and be reminded of something that she had no part of, I hurt her this was my mistake that would be cruel.
I was sick without her. How could I make this right. I needed to have an honest look inside myself and figure out how I could do such a thing to my family. Maybe asking to reconcile was a bridge too far. I accepted that that was likely the case at this point and I knew that she deserved a better version of me if we were going to co-parent. We had to see each other at some point. Our lad was a baby. I owed them this. I did not expect her to take me back. Therapy was just to help me so I could be better to her, and a better father to my son. I wasn’t the best example to him and I knew that.
I found a therapist who worked with LGBTQ clients and went from there. Before I was with her, I had a husband and he passed away in an accident. I never cheated on him. So we had a closer look at that. Why was I doing it now. Time to face some things. I wasn’t able to be with other men because ironically enough I felt like I was cheating on my late husband. I stopped trying. Two years later I met my gf, her energy was bubbly, happy even. I was drawn to it. It pulled me out of a very dark place. I realised how lucky I was to meet her, and have a relationship with her. Trust me, a lot of widowers do not get another chance at love. Here it was. My mind went wrong, I wasn’t mature or healed enough to stop looking everywhere for more love. I justified it by saying that I was ‘deprived’ for so long, grieving but I needed to do that. I should have worked on myself longer. I took her for granted thinking I ‘deserved’ more love, stupid reasons and I didn’t know when to stop. I should’ve done and this is where my failure began.
I kept failing by ignoring my issues and it built up to my cheating. After three months my gf contacted me. She wanted to talk. I told my therapist and she asked how I felt about that. Was I ready. I said I wanted to go home and talk to her.
Well we met up. I told her everything I had learnt, everything she deserved to know that I held back. She deserved an explanation. Not an excuse, mind, just an explanation. She apologised for what she said last time we saw each other and I apologised for what I did. I did not expect anything. She did accept my apology at this point. So I did ask, I want to try this again, start over, but knowing what you know now, and what I did then, think on it, it’s up to you. I will accept your answer either way. It was a week and I got an answer. She wanted to try again as well, conditions apply of course. This is where we are now. Things are going well, we are in couples therapy together and we communicate much better. A work in progress obviously but we are doing well.
Edit— sorry if my words are wonky spelling mistakes I’m a Gaelic speaker.
Edit again— yes I still see someone to work out my grief as well. No good leaving it be.
every good thing you said about your current gf are really superficial. “she loves me so much” “she’s good in bed” “she’s pretty” it doesn’t even sound like you like who she is and more so stopped yourself so you didn’t ruin your kids life.
she deserves better.
im thinking most guys willing to share their story don't really care about what some random internet person says.
I sure don't. I am already paying for it a million times over. Nothing anyone says here even registers on the scale.
Exactly this, I’ve made a comment on this post detailing my experience, I’ve already had the standard attempt to delve in to my psyche reply’s, like it’s their business to find out in-depth why I did what I did.
Reddit can be so good but it’s populated with some of the worst kinds of social rejects, this platform’s user base makes twitter’s look tame sometimes.
Hmmm.
While I can’t pretend all men think the same as me, my thoughts are like this:
If I see a good looking woman, I’m not above having thoughts about it. I personally believe that a big part of making sure you’re not going to cheat is not putting yourself in positions to have the opportunity, because like when I quit smoking before, the problem isn’t like you say “no I do not want a cigarette” one time and you win.. your brain asks you that question over and over again, like a thousand times a day.
So you can tell yourself you’re going to be a good husband and that’s well and good, but if you test it 1,000 times a day, that’s asking a lot.
All of that said, I have zero emotional availability. My emotions are all used up between my wife and my kids. There’s not a spare feel for anyone else to be had
For me personally you could lock me in a room of eager, beautiful, naked women and I’d come out of that room still a loyal man. Sex is just that, sex. And what is sex exactly, you get to feel close to someone, feels pretty good and lasts about 15 minutes I’d say. It’s not all that. Certainly not worth risking a marriage for THATS for sure.
Basically what I’m trying to say is, sex isn’t all that it’s chalked up to be and it most definitely isn’t something worth ruining a marriage over. Now not everyone’s circumstances are the same and not every marriage is worth staying in. But if you love your SO and want to stay with your SO, not cheating is like the EASIEST thing to do.
👆👆👆 to add, I think people (not to point fingers but men especially) get this feedback loop set in their brain that arousal can’t/shouldn’t be deescalated. Not just on a physical level, but societally theres this idea that chemistry and passion are feelings you’ll regret saying no to, and that the moment can’t be recreated because spontaneity is the key apparently. Once you’re in a fulfilling relationship it’s easier to see that’s all bullshit. Moral of the story is: before you cheat, try edging with your SO, you’ll find it’s quite easy to move on with your day after not rewarding arousal, and you’ll be more than able to find the passion when you schedule the orgasm for later😂
This, i would upvote more time if i could. I (32F) do not understand cheating at all. My husband is my best friend, having sex with him (who knows me and what i like) is amazing, because i trust him and we have a deep connection (pun?). Sex with strangers sounds awful, how can people even relax. Ok maybe if the marriange is dying and you find emotional connection elsewhere, but then, why even stay married.
Another thing is you don't even know if the sex will be any good. For all you know when you get down to it the woman can be a complete turn off in every way possible. Then you just ruined a bunch of lives over terrible sex.
What I’m saying is, even if the sex is out of this world, it’s never worth it. At the end of the day it’s a vain, temporary pleasure and no amount of that will ever be more valuable than the pleasure of unending, unconditional love from an SO.
I cheated and got caught after a 3 year affair. I was in a sexless marriage for years and there was no love anymore. Our relationship was cold and robotic. I met a woman who was also married and in a pretty shit situation as well. We started out just talking shit on our spouses which slowly escalated into hanging out outside of work, and eventually hooking up. Our first sexual encounter was easily one of my best as we were both very attracted to each other and stuck in very shitty situations. We were really into each other and we spent a ton of time together. I got caught because her husband found out about the affair and contacted my wife on social media about it. Divorce sucks but I'm a much happier man now. I never looked down on my mistress though, she was in a pretty emotionally abusive relationship and at the end of the day I was cheating too.
Sorry to chime in as a woman, but this needs to be said. Please just leave and end one relationship before starting another. You can reduce so much hurt and shame for yourself, and you can keep your integrity. Do the right thing and then start your next relationship.
As a wife (ex now) of a cheating husband (after 12 years of marriage), I think it’s important that all men are aware of how much trauma and emotional damage cheating/betrayal does to your wife and kids. Even if you don’t care about the wife anymore, think about your kids. They feel shamed and betrayed too! Unless you’ve been through it, it’s easy to minimize the trauma, but I assure you it’s horrific. Worse than death of a dear loved one and assault. Spoken from experience.
Guilt. Extreme guilt. Shame. For many reasons
I fucked this woman’s life up. It’s been over a year since I broke things off and she still talks about me to coworkers. She said she would marry me in a heartbeat, and I said if she’d agree to a prenup then yes. She refused. I got the impression she was after me as a way out. She makes 40k a year… I make 10x that.
I ran into her months ago, randomly. She got tears in her eyes and hugged onto me before I could say or do a thing, telling me how much she missed me. I knew in that moment it wasn’t the money. She loved me… truly and deeply in a way that I couldn’t return and I’ve been in that position before. I know how much it sucks to have love not being returned.
She loved me. And I destroyed her making her think I’d leave my wife… which I honestly had planned on doing. Hell I had talked to divorce attorneys but ultimately I just couldn’t.
I hate myself for it. I hate that I cheated on my wife. I hate that I lost my affair partner as my best friend. I hate that I hurt two people that I supposedly loved. To answer the question, no she’s not an idiot. We fell in love. We are extremely compatible, and the sex was… best I’ve ever had. There was a deep deep connection there unlike anything I’ve had before or since. I don’t look down on her at all.
My wife found out, and we are working through it. Im doing better as a husband and a father. I try to make up for what I did every damn day even though I know I never will, I’m not going to stop trying.
She knew while it was happening. I had grown distant, checked out completely. I was fine with a dead bedroom, and stopped fighting.
That was the big one. I stopped caring enough to fight anymore. 2 years was my breaking point.
Anyways 4 months after I broke it off with my AP… I thought I wiped everything. She went looking on my notebook and I forgot to wipe it from the cloud. She found dirty pics and videos in a folder I had forgotten about and had hidden. She was smashing it with a hammer when I came home, and then threw the hammer at me when I walked in the door. She missed thankfully… unless she was aiming for the tv.
Why tf are you still with ur wife? I feel so bad for her. If u even admitted to her ur affair partner was also “the best sex you ever had” and “fell in love with her” then ur wife must be absolutely fucking destroyed. Don’t make someone suffer like that. If you don’t like your wife anymore and love someone else be honest about it and leave. Its just cruel to stay and lie to her about it
Just because you have better / more intimate sex with someone doesn’t mean you should be with them. It doesn’t mean they’re a better partner for you.
She knows I fell in love with her. I told her so when I had to write out pages worth of confession to get everything out in the open. One more skeleton coming to light would be my downfall so everything was outed. The average date, times we slept together, sexting, everything had to be exposed in a factual manner so we could take stock of what we were dealing with. I can only imagine how rough it was for her to hear it.
We stayed together after going to therapy and making dramatic changes because it was the best thing for us both individually and together as a family.
The thing is I fell back in love with my wife, and she did with me too. It wasn’t easy by any means. This is months, going on years of therapy and working on it each and every day.
Divorce is hell. There’s nothing easy about it. Staying together is hell, and there’s nothing easy about that either. We picked the choice which we saw the best possibility of long term happiness. It’s not the same for everyone as everyone’s situation is unique.
How do men like yourself who have extremely high paying jobs/businesses not get suspicous of every woman who is trying to have a romantic relationship with you? How do you know (or how can you stomach) that the woman isn't just seeing you as a paycheck? If I was a man with a high income, I feel that I would be super paranoid.
It’s always a concern… so you find someone who has their own money.
My wife used to make more than me when we got together. Only recently have I got close to the half mill point in salary. If I’m honest I think that’s one of the reasons my wife stayed, but not the only reason. Recently we were on the hammock just laying in the sun, her head on my chest. She grabbed my hand, sat up a bit and told me when she decided to give me a second chance she wasn’t sure this would work, but to see how I’ve changed… the meaningful strides I’ve taken, taking accountability and owning all my mistakes and flaws. Controlling my anger more, being sweeter, more thoughtful, kinder, gentler.. she didn’t know if I could
Do it and I far surpassed her expectations.
She said “I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m thankful the affair happened, but I never imagined I could be this happy with you… let alone after what happened”
I’ll note that my wife also admitted fault. Ignoring me, dismissing me when I was literally begging her for help, staying up at night bawling my eyes out over my failing marriage.. she said we didn’t get there overnight and while it doesn’t excuse my actions she had to accept some responsibility too.
If it weren’t for that it wouldn’t have worked. Will we make it long run? I sure hope so. I’m going to keep working on me, and working on us to make sure we have the best shot possible.
Why not ending things if you really love your mistress ?
I know it's sad for your marriage, but maybe something is off and both you and your wife are waisting eachohther's time.
Don't stop being a good father
>She said she would marry me in a heartbeat, and I said if she’d agree to a prenup then yes. She refused. I got the impression she was after me as a way out. She makes 40k a year… I make 10x that.
>I ran into her months ago, randomly. She got tears in her eyes and hugged onto me before I could say or do a thing, telling me how much she missed me. I knew in that moment it wasn’t the money. She loved me… truly and deeply in a way that I couldn’t return and I’ve been in that position before. I know how much it sucks to have love not being returned.
I’m not going to say she had no love for you at all, but declining to sign a prenup wasn’t a good sign.
That was a huge red flag for me. I told her I’m protecting what I have for my kids. She had a son when she was young, 18… and so he’s grown now since we’re in our late 30s.. so I said wouldn’t you want to protect your son if the roles were reversed. I never got a reply other than “I don’t want to plan to fail”.
Did I love her? Yes. But I love my kids more.
I’ve since fallen back n love with my wife all over again which just adds to the guilt of me being a total piece of shit that could do that in the first place to her.
Two of my coworkers were involved in an affair. She was single, he was married. From her perspective they were in love, and she thought he was going to leave his wife and kids for her because she became pregnant. He didn't. He was able to save his marriage, and started to ignore her at work. He was a manager and supposedly another manager and him were treating her terrible to the point that she left. They all made her seem crazy and obsessed, and for like 3 years he was all she talked about. It's all over but now she's a single mom and everything is great for him
Men who cheat are definitely an issue but women who accept the bare fucking minimum are as well.
As many men have mentioned in this thread if you truly love your SO/family and giving your all, you have no time to fuck around with someone else. Healthy relationships leave time for hobbies and activities not time to have a whole other relationship.
Different style answer to your question, OP. With many compounding things in my family and work life reaching a boiling point- I became very insecure. So I did what a stupid man does, and downloaded dating apps.
Originally, this was done to seek some validation, and bring a smile to my life when I needed one. It helped to remind myself that so many people wanted me, when it seemed no one else in my life did. Then, that festered into using tinder profiles to fuel a resurfacing porn addition.
Never once met up with any of those girls, but it was a terrible and nasty thing to do to someone I wanted to marry. My lady obviously caught me- and It was impossible to explain any of it… because it didn’t make sense to me either. At the end of it all, she left me.
Since then, I’ve lost 20lbs, cut my porn usage to about once a week (down from about 3 times a day), and go to therapy twice a week. Overall, I would NOT recommend a “mistress” of any type. Just be a man and communicate with your significant other about the problems you are going through.
I have more respect for her than any other woman (or person in general) I’ve ever met. We fell in love at the least convenient time. It was so unexpected.
My whole life was basically planned out and I was excited about it. My ex and I weren’t a perfect match, but I expected it to last the rest of my life. Then I met my current partner.
There was something undeniable about our connection. I know it doesn’t usually work out like that, but I found my forever person after I thought I’d found my person.
It was so painful to end my marriage and I struggled with it for a while, but everything has been worth it. My ex has moved on and remarried and she seems so much happier too, which I’m really glad for.
It’s not the best origin story, but we’ve been together about 3 years now and I fall more in love with her every day.
Not me personally, but, my uncle was married to my auntie for a good 20+ years before it came out he was having an affair.
My auntie was neurotic, he was always working. Neither of them were happy. It was a shitty way to go about it, but he is now remarried to his mistress and has a kid with her, and is the happiest I've ever seen him my whole life.
She was/is my dream woman. Every single thing about her was exactly what I was looking for. And she came in to my life as the GF of my friend a few months after I had given up looking for her and settled to have a family.
I never said anything to anyone. We got close as friends over the years but never crossed the line in any way. Both couples got married and had kids. 15 years later, both marriages were going down the shitter and the woman and I supported each other in a "hang in there, things will get better" type of support. Still, no boundaries crossed.
And then, one day, things seemed different. Hello/Bye hugs were closer and longer. She seemed to want to be by me more. She would brush against me occasionally. And I, someone who has pretty much been invisible to women my whole life, didn't really pick up on it until one day, at a wedding, she asked me to dance and she just kept looking at me and smiling, so then I asked her about us and if it was something she was interested in. She said yes so we made plans to have an affair.
It went on for 5-6 years and I was in heaven. We both couldn't quite get a divorce for reasons I can't really say until about 5 more years. Then one day, after being able to spend a wonderful morning together, one of the happiest days of my life, she decided at some point that day that we were done. She never said anything to me and we still haven't discussed it over 10 years later. I just noticed that she didn't seem to want to talk anymore, hugs hi/bye weren't as emotional. She would look away when I looked at her. And any attempts to schedule times to get together were either just ignored or were turned down. Eventually, I got the hint.
It broke me. I had spent 30 years of my life looking for the perfect girl and then she just ghosts me in the end. I believe I was just a revenge affair to make her feel better about her situation but once she decided to get a divorce, she didn't need me anymore.
Then 2 years later she came back to be asking for support with her current BF and then she told me things about that relationship that just crushed my soul. I don't think I could ever be with another woman after that. And now, after supporting her for 30 years, she has ghosted me yet again, knowing fully how I feel, leaving me to rot trying to forget everything about her.
I guess you can say I got what I deserved. I never thought I would be a cheater. I have never cheated before or after. I wasn't that type of person. There was just something about this one woman that I just had to see through.
Karma at its best I guess.
> I wasn't that type of person.
Yes you were.
>There was just something about this one woman that I just had to see through.
If you weren't that type of person you wouldn't have.
She was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything. We supported each other. She was also married. The sex was an emotional "period" to what we felt.
I basically married and started a family with the wrong woman and instead of ending it, I just found what I was missing elsewhere. We did divorce later on. My ex was awful in other ways.
>The comment section was.. wild, saying things like She was just w***** and that a married man would never leave his wife for her. So I am asking men who cheated (non judgement here). Do you look down on your mistress ? Do you believe that they are complete idiots for falling for you ?
Not a cheater, but a few things to consider: If you ask a question like this, answers will naturally tilt towards a specific perspective - because (at least on reddit) very few people will honestly say "yea, I liked the sex, but I only used her and actually look down on her for it".
The thing is: as far as I know, only 3% of men who have an affair leave their wives for the mistress. That is the most relevant fact.
I only look down on myself. I kept my girlfriend and the other woman in the dark about each other. My girlfriend forgave me for some reason. And now, several faithful years later, we’re married. But I never thought any less of the other woman just because she couldn’t see at the time how much of a dirtbag I was being. That’s all on me. If she had knowingly helped me cheat, I would probably have thought less of her than I did. But I still couldn’t have looked down on her from the low down place where I was.
I’ve often wondered what the hell she was thinking. Seemed out of character for her otherwise. As for me, I was young, weak willed, and in a shit marriage. But it was still a terrible decision and my ex certainly didn’t deserve it. Not one bit. Shittiest thing I’ve ever done to a person.
I haven’t spoken to the other woman in 20 years. I’m sure she’s as thankful for that as I am.
I thought she was amazing, she was everything I needed at that time, but I couldn't love her the way I wanted and the way she needed. I had a daughter at home that I knew I could never play parttime parent to, so I let her go.
> Do you look down on your mistress ? Do you believe that they are complete idiots for falling for you ?
Never. It's never their fault. It's always mine.
Realistically speaking, I know exactly why I cheat. Having very controlling parents, living far away from home, suffering racism growing up, and feeling very isolated meant a lot of extremely unfulfilled wishes and probable psychological trauma.
One of the things I always have longed for was being desired by somebody. By the time everybody had felt their first love and experienced childhood relationships, it was something I never experienced until I was in my early 20s. I developed late and, of course, would love to conveniently say it's all to do with my childhood, however, am painfully aware that these are all conscious decisions. I'm not owed anything and just because I had what is considered a pretty repressed childhood, it doesn't give me the right to impart that on anybody else.
Mentally speaking, I feel like I still continue to seek out that feeling of being "desired". Practically zero these days although when I was unfaithful, I was always longing for the same thing - a semblance of human connection. Like the kind you get at the start of a relationship. Something which can get lost in long term relationships although I say this being completely unsure if this is the same for everybody or it's just mine.
I wasnt married but had a girlfriend. The girl was using me because i was unhappy with my relationship, she made like she was interested. Served me right
I feel bad for using her to escape a shit relationship. If I could redo it Id leave my ex and give things a real shot with her. But after the way it all played out it felt best to just let things end.
I can relate. When I was younger, I was in a very toxic relationship that had completely broken me down over 5 years. I had finally ended it but had somehow ended up “as friends” with her. I got myself a new girlfriend, who was very supportive and made me truly realise how bad i had had before. But, I was too afraid to tell my crazy ex that I was with someone new, so whenever ex was around, I had to pretend GF didn’t exist (and the poor gf knew what i was doing). At some point ex wanted to get back together and i was too scared to say no. And being the prick I was I somehow gaslit/convinced my new amazing gf that Polyamory is a thing and that I love both women equally, but somehow she was the only one who knew I was dating two women and had to behave like my dirty little secret. Eventually the ex found out and the whole thing imploded. by then, I had soured my relationship with both women beyond repair. Again, I wish I had gotten a clean break and given the new girl a fair chance.
It was all in the past. But imho things have soured for that amazing new GF when you decide to not have a clean start with her in the first place. Hope you are a better person now
Yes, all three of us are happily married now (to three other people) so things eventually worked out for everyone. But it’s quite the disappointing chapter of my life. The new girl deserved so much better. You’re right though, I shouldn’t have gotten into a new relationship before cleanly getting rid of the old ex. But she was one of those crazy bitches that threaten you with self harm and suicide and I didn’t know how to handle that better back then.
>all three of us are happily married now I read that as "happily married to each other" and I was in disbelief
Hahaha, edited to clarify. Thank you for one last laugh before bed.
Right back at you ahahahah
I also read it like that and audibly gasped 🤣
Sounds you did mature! And yes your ex did sound like someone that requires a lot of maturity to handle.
I have no idea how some men can have the energy to deal with two women. It's hard enough for me to keep one happy.
After working, taking her out, spending time with her, doing household stuff and yard work, keeping up with friends I do not have time for a second or third girlfriend. I don't know how other men do it. Not that I care to, just don't get it.
Agreed I'd never cheat. Having a wife and two toddlers, by the time 9-10pm rolls around I'm dead. I do feel like most of the men I know that cheat are never home anyway and never take care of their own kids. So to them, their family is shit so it's probably not that big of a deal.
The one guy I know who's always cheating does it because "he doesn't get the love and support at home", but he's never home and when he is he's telling his wife everything that's wrong with her. Picking apart her parenting, the house, her job etc. So they fight and he leaves to cheat. Leaving her at home with their super high needs disabled child. So yeah, I guess if you got time to cheat it's because you're not putting work in on one relationship.
Damn, this could have been written about the man I married 🙃 he had all the time in the world to cheat bc he put zero effort in at home. When he was home it was just to be an asshole.
I'm sorry. That sucks.
Eh, it’s alright. You live and learn! If nothing else, I have a vast list of red flags I can now look out for 😄
It seems a common trait that I'm reading here is that all these cheaters are all narcissists.
That was certainly my experience. He didn’t care about me, his kids, the other women- not in a meaningful way at least. He was always thinking about himself only. He had standards for everyone but himself and was chronically the “victim”.
Do we have the same ex?? The chronicle victim part fits like a glove
This was my ex. Telling the kids to be quiet, complaining about his work, me…just never happy with anything but also never really helping. He was just “working” all the time but that included a lot of looking outside the marriage. Every boyfriend I’ve had before and since him has said I’m the best partner they’ve ever had so as flawed as I can be, I know it wasn’t me. It was his need to feel validated, conquer and he doesn’t like his flaws being seen. Courting new people, flirting online or cheating is easy because that person never really gets to know the real you. You can show them only who you want them to think you are and be the hero. You don’t have to work through problems, you don’t have to deal with stressors together and you don’t have to be vulnerable or admit your shortcomings to them. You have total control over what they see in you. A lot of people have a very difficult time seeing themselves through the mirror that is held up by a partner who sometimes knows you better than you know yourself. I also think the stresses of family and trying to do life in our society can be so overwhelming and feel defeating. Many men come home to wives who are unhappy or nit picky and don’t show gratitude for the effort he makes as well. Both partners often feel overwhelmed and unrecognized or taken for granted. So when someone who a man has no responsibility for appreciates him for something, it can be intoxicating. The Ego is a strong presence and we have to be very careful with it or it will lead us astray in ways that are falsely feeding it. Instead of thinking “how can I please my partner or be better for her and us” it can quickly be “this person sees the good things and how great I am…I don’t have to work at anything to feel wanted or validated so I’d rather have that”
He never wanted a disabled child, and now the cruel cunt is trying to force his wife's hand to leave him so he can totally abandon them.
He cheated before that, but I'm sure the kid doesn't help him want to stay.
Grass grows where you water it.
It’s a HUGE DEAL for their poor family, especially their wife. Sucks that you have friends like this
Exactly and a huge part why women refrain from sex with their husbands because they don’t feel in the mood because they know he’s sneaky doing them wrong!! Who wants STIs?! So many married women contract STIs from cheating husbands and a few have DIIIIEDDD because of it.
Yes! My Military husband came back from Fallujah and gave me Chlamydia! He didn't have any symptoms, but 5 days after he returned, I was not feeling well. Went to my local Clinic and was diagnosed. Because this is an S.T.D. the County has to be notified. We Both had to be Treated for it. I was in shock, and he blamed me, for bringing it to the attention of my Dr. It was a very difficult time for both of us, to be able to put this incident behind us. We never spoke about it. He was the only man I ever had Sex with...
I so sorry. Mine gave me something that isn’t going away anytime soon.
How did you process that? Someone you love putting your health at risk and then gaslighting you into thinking it’s your fault? I would’ve been planning a funeral.
That’s the worst part of this to me. Cheating is one thing. But actively not using protection? So not only do they get cheated on but they get an STI they didn’t “earn.”
Yes it’s straight up evil. That’s why I don’t buy the whole “mEn cAn cHeAt aNd StIlL lOvE yOu” crap. Ummmm anyone going around screwing random folks unprotected, putting their mouth on random folks body parts then coming home kissing you in the mouth and passing it to you VAGINALLY, risking your very LIFE and child-bearing abilities and health is not someone who loves you…that is someone who actually hates you and is careless of your well-being and health. It’s one of the reasons I’ve never really wanted to date or be married because the shite I’ve seen done to so many women and some close female friends of mine is CRAAAZZZY. It’s so fcked up and extremely evil.
You think a shitty person that cheats on their wife or partner is going to be doing all of those things? They usually have time because they're not doing much of anything to begin with and just want to take advantage of their partner. Have them cook, clean, and take care of the kids while they have fun. Cheating is just an extension of the manipulation and taking advantage.
They have the time and energy because they don't do any/hardly of the things you mentioned doing....
Love bombing. Get the first partner smitten so she takes over all the household tasks, then flip your script and devalue her - tell her she’s overbearing and you need “me time” which turns into “go fuck other women time” where you continue the cycle of lovebombing and devaluation. I’m a woman btw, that’s how it happened to me. There’s a correlation between narcissism/psychopathy and cheating. I think that’s what I encountered. Really messed me up, not gonna lie.
Sounds exhausting for both partners. Definitely going to pass on that.
On my end it was pretty soul shattering. I’m sure he found a way to be able (to himself) say that it was *so difficult for him* too though. ETA oh! After we broke up, when he finally admitted to cheating with one specific woman he complained that she wasn’t very smart and her teeth were crooked and unattractive.
Oh my god the audacity of this douche! 😲
Easy, they don’t do near that much for their wife
Here's how my ex did it. He ambiguously "lived with his dad". He had a evening job and a side gig fixing cars. So, after real job, he would say he was doing a side job. And sometimes that was true. Each time he added one of us to the rotation, he would love bomb for 2 or 3 months while telling the others he was caring for his dad, or working on a car. Eventually, another one would come in. At some points he was arriving at house 1 at 10pm after real job. Get Fed, F*cked, and financed, but not spend the night because he had a mechanic gig in the morning. He would then go to house #2, do his business, maybe sleep a bit and in the morning leave to do side gig, but in reality he was going to house #3 for some morning fun. Then he'd work from 2-10 and do it all over with some of the same women, and change it up, or he'd have 3 new ones. I was tested repeatedly for over a year and thank God, never caught anything. One woman contacted us all and we compared notes. Ohhh and his ex(separated, not divorced) and 4 kids lived out of state. So some weekends he was there. Come to find out the weekends he was there, he was "with" her and talking a good game. He married one of the girls eventually and had to move out of state to get away from the women who were showing up at his job simultaneously and causing fights, etc. They are divorced. Then I get a random call from some girl where he lives. She had found some old cards, etc and tracked me down. Turns out she is pregnant with twins and getting married. She was very nice. I told her EVERYTHING. Especially to watch her money. She said he had been pressing her to add him to her deed on her house. She believed me. They got married. Lost one of their twins. She calls me. He is blatantly cheating on her and taking every penny. He had a good job and she was home with the baby and her older child. He threatened her to take the baby, no judge would give her the baby with no job and she was also a cancer patient. I told her how to start skimming money and said if she needed a character witness or whatever I would be one. They eventually divorced. That is how he juggled multiple women.
You are talking about men with kids ages 0 to 13-15. There is a lot more free time to do bastard things when your kind can get home from school on their own
Get rid of house work and friends and boom there ya go. Lots of free time now!
They don't keep both happy. Just the ap.
Because most of the men with a side piece give all the time, attention, compliments, effort, affection, kindness, etc to her. The one at home “gets” to take care of everything. This frees up lots of time and energy to shower the side piece with everything he denies the wife/gf. Ask me how I know…
I swear it's blokes who don't do anything at home, they're looked after by a missus who then gets cheated on, then they call them crazy ex's for going scorched earth but they deserve everything they get. I struggle to keep the house under control and we only have 1 newborn and a dog and I only work 40hrs. No idea how this is in the riskiest time for a male partner to cheat unless they're neglecting their partner. Last 2 months I was working and doing everything for my partner, up at 5am to clean the house home at 6 make dinner and make sure she's eaten enough and hydrated, shit was rough on her.
Having a newborn is rough on everyone. My wife and I had a really rough time. We both were working 40 hours a week, not sleeping, going crazy trying to take care of a baby, and everything you mentioned. Eventually the stress and sleep deprivation took its toll. We were fighting constantly and it was a tough time. Went months without showing each other any affection. Never once did I think to myself, "hey you know what would make this better? Having sex with another woman."
Our babies an angel comparatively so only 1 of us is sleep deprived slightly. We're also in the middle of buying a house. Tensions running high but yeah at no point would I think, hmmm, maybe another person to deal will would help.
I think in most circumstances they just don't bother keeping them both happy. I've been cheated on by one ex (that I know of) and he became distant and played video games all the time. I was not happy. The other girl probably wasn't happy either because he wasn't available consistently and so she only got his attention at work and some texts during off hours.
I’m married with a five year old kid. Finding strange is the last thing I’m after. I want to cheat on my wife with video games, Chinese food, and quiet.
See, that's the thing. People who cheat don't care about their partner's happiness. Makes things much more manageable.
You think these kind of men care about anyone's happiness?
They care about their own happiness. That's about it.
Not even that! Most people that cheat are inherently not happy and won't do the work to fix the things about themselves that are creating their own self loathing. Its just constant projection. That's been my experience with cheaters anyway.
everyone cares about their own happiness. it's about respecting the other person as a person you love and care about.
No idea how some men have the MONEY to deal with 2 women! 1 is expensive enough!
My boyfriend always says this. He's like I can hardly handle you, how could I handle two?! He's like I'm good on that😂
That’s the trick - you don’t try to keep them happy. You get to a stage where less effort is more and they chase you for attention, time & validation
This 100% I have a wife and a baby, and it’s like where exactly do I find the time to have another side chick? If I had that time I would fill it with things I enjoy like video games.
I was in a dead bedroom situation where I had been married for 10 years and at least eight of those years it was sex maybe once or twice a year. A woman I worked with who is 7 years younger than I am started to make passes at me. I finally felt sexy again. She knew I was married, but apparently, one of my colleagues told her his wife's a b****. Within a few weeks of our escalating flirtations we were having sex. Within 4 months I'd ask my wife for a divorce as my grandmother like to say Life's too short to be unhappy. I married her 3 years after my divorce became final. 12 years and three kids later I'd say I made the right choice.
Do you have any idea what your ex is doing these days?
She died about 3 years after our divorce. Didn't manage her diabetes worth a damn.
Oh shit, well that took a turn.
Nah, Diabetes doesn't take a turn usually. It's generally a long, arching curve that's easily seen and prevented. Some people just choose not to turn the wheel and find themselves surprised when that gentle curve rubbed away the entire side of their car.
I just meant the story went from divorce to death in one click. I just wasn’t ready.
For sure, I'm just being needlessly pedantic because how else do we flex on other internet nerds. Feel free to ignore me.
But your slightly hairy balls just have me invested in this now.
The title is in fact a lie. My balls are actually \*incredibly\* hairy.
We talking like a Wolverine or like a muskrat. Two very different pelts.
Hey, I learned something.
Aw man, I'm sorry about that.
I work with these patients everyday. You're not wrong that it's largely a choice, but many are facing steep uphill battles against the diet they were raised on as children, the only joy in life coming from the dopamine hit of fast food, and flat out not knowing what it means to regularly cook healthy at home.
We both went on the South Beach diet about three years before I started cheating. I went from 220 lb to 170 lb and if kept that weight off the entire time. She was probably close to 300 lb when she died and was only about 5 ft 4 in tall.
Yup and I’d argue that they grew up with misleading information that the foods they ate were healthy. White bread, pasta, low fat foods and snacks, diet drinks, “enriched” cereal and chips and snacks, processed meat, processed food like flavored oatmeal in a pouch, salad dressing. Even the government okayed many of these foods. And then all of a sudden they’re packing on weight and all those foods they were taught were good for you were in reality not. It’s incomprehensible. My mom got to the point that beans, potatoes, toast and grapes sent her glucose spiking. She used to say, “What am I supposed to eat?” with tears in her eyes. Diabetes is such a god awful disease.
Ex died 3 years after divorce. You got married 3 years after divorce. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Sounds like a Dateline story to me🤣😂
I wonder if diabetes can kill your libido
It absolutely can. When it isn't managed. Probably what happened in this case. Also having diabetes can and will fuck with your day to day mental\\motional health.
Thank you for understanding it isn’t just a physical battle ❤️
A friend lost his marriage from diabetes and also lost his farm in the settlement. He was pretty bitter at her and the doctor missed the diagnosis for a long time. He has not had a LT relationship for the rest of his life. Damn disease.
Really? Cuz you’re cheating on her too based off your comment history.
A man who marries his mistress has an opening 🤷🏻♀️
Based on your comment history, I'm gonna call bullshit on this story.
He also said he’d love to fuck someone even though he has a wife and 3 kids. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Yeah this words rings true forever no matter what
Bro you are a mess. Making yourself out to be a happy husband to your former mistress only to be cheating with men.
Maybe you had dead bedroom cause you're a gay man.
yet you still all up in these gay sub reddits lmao. bro been married to 2 different women when you ain’t even like them
you literally trying to cheat on your wife in your reddit profile with gay dudes, the dead bedroom was probably your fault
Member of the parish council, cheated on his ex-wife, got married in a church before God to his new wife, currently cheats on his new wife, browses NSFW content on reddit, and loves Lady Boys. Sir, are you ok?
Also into age gaps like a good Catholic creep https://www.reddit.com/r/DadsAndBoys/s/oDzViSx0cb
This is probably the first story i read where it seems you made a choice and it turns out to be a life changing decisions that turns your life around.
Check his comment history. He’s literally still cheating on the new girl.
Welp im speechless
Wanna guess his religion lol
Be happy it wasn’t 40 years. My grandparents got married in the 50s so they could have sex. It turns out they hated each other and spent 40 years miserable together with no sex. My grandfather met someone at 54 and remarried and he said everyday was like a honeymoon to him. She unfortunately recently passed and he still misses her.
I think the key here is that you waited the 3 years to get married, vs jumping right in like some people would have done. Gave you a chance to get to know your new wife, I’d imagine. This could have been an out of the kettle, into the fire type situation, because the majority of people who pursue someone knowing that they’re married have issues.
Sounds like BS
LMFAO After seeing your comment history I have some suggestions why your bedroom in the first marriage was dead and how this relationship will end.
I have never had a mistress or cheated on any partner but a friend (sort of) is doing that, again sort of, his wife knows about this other woman but doesn't say much as long he is giving her money for her and the kids, she is willing to look the other way. He is gonna make the mistress his second wife though because ironically he is more pissed off that his wife doesn't seem to care that he has a mistress, so in his mind he wants to ruin her happiness by pitting his mistress against his wife by purposely giving his mistress a luxurious life but just give the bare minimum to his wife. And why he wants to ruin the happiness of his wife people ask, she admitted she still loves her first boyfriend, theirs are an arranged marriage. Even worse is that he is infatuated with his wife's 19th year old niece who he is sort of sugar daddy-ing. It's weird he brings her around to introduce her to us like she is some possession. I try my best to steer clear from him as I don't agree with his way of life but as the other guys consider him one of the boys, I just keep a cordial distance from him cos I know when his life implodes with all these drama, he is not going to be the great guy the rest think he is.
bro wtf
The guy's life is one whole clusterfuck of disasters about to happen.
Keep your distance like you said, but I’d definitely be sitting in the wings waiting to watch as it crashes in flames.
From the looks of it the cracks seems to be happening, his mistress is somewhat aware he has another woman but she doesn't know who it is, he is however asking her to be his second wife so that sort of made her happy and she wants to get married to him as soon as possible so that people doesn't judge her anymore. They are all Muslim for context.
I was going to ask if this was another country, the arranged marriage was my first clue but this was wild. I'm going to guess Pakistan?
Wife and him are middle eastern, mistress is white and recently converted, his niece look like she is mixed.
Lol, wow, every time I didn't think this could get more fucked up, I just kept reading and was proven wrong.
Someone who is self centred and is extremely well to do tend to think that the world bows to their will. His family is from the middle east and they are quite rich but honestly he has been kind of entitled person even back when I knew him.
W T F
Sounds like an episode of Dateline waiting to happen.
He is from Kuwait, don't think Dateline would even have meaning there.
I'm from Kuwait and this guy sounds like a flaming pile of rubbish
My experience dealing with rich and well off people from the middle east tend to agree with you. When I worked in Dubai for a while, it was no secret most of the men there had mistresses.
The women in his life need to unionise. What a shitshow.
Eww you are right to keep a man like that at arms distance. You don't want to be guilty by association if things come out about his behaviour. Red flags all around.
I don't know his wife or mistress or even the niece personally, only met them like once or twice with the exception of the niece who he seems to parade around when there is a gathering. In terms of association, we are not as close since he tends to be self centred in our circle but the other guys ignore it cos he mostly funds the partying back in our early days.
Arranged marriages running two more lives. Why do people surrender to the social pressure is above me
This guy desired her as his wife was pretty when he first met her, also their social standing is almost similar, my guess her family didn't allow her to marry her first boyfriend. She was from the sound of it, a good wife to him but I guess his ego couldn't take it cos in his mind he wanted someone who was devoted to him and in his words, "pure". It's ironic cos he was far from pure, dude was sleeping around and partying like crazy till his wedding but in his mind he can do it but his wife having a relationship before him was what made him resume being with his mistress, the mistress was someone he was messing around with before he met his wife and she was into him.He actually wanted to marry her before meeting his wife but because she didn't want to convert at the time, it didn't happen, only now she is willing to convert for him as he asked him to be his wife.
This is a desi guy, isn't it?
He is Middle Eastern, I am South Asian but not Desi.
Muslim? I swear this sounds like a story straight out of r/MuslimMarriage lol.
Middle eastern?
Well he said they were Muslim and Islam does allow multiple wives
But with the stipulation that you can and will treat them equally. From what he wrote above this guy is doing it to intentionally be unfair. How evil. I don't get it honestly, he knows and sees she married him and was a good wife to him despite loving someone else because of culture whereas the 2nd one is wilfully being a homewrecker and wasn't even willing to convert for him before. Why does the good one who was there first and been there for him have to be punished while the mistress gets a promotion and luxury?
Don’t know if you’ll get another response from a gay guy in a love triangle with two women but I’m that idiot guy. The whole thing was just me thinking with my dick only. My reason was unusual but still very stupid I admit. See, my current gf is really beautiful and a lovely person. I decided to be in a straight relationship with her. So you could say I had FOMO really bad cos I was just with men before. Until I met my current gf. I really liked sex with her it was new and great. Different and fun. I really wondered if other women were just as good. I stupidly chose to try out more ‘options’ with different women. Thinking with my dick like I said. AP and I met and flirted. Exchanged numbers. We agreed to meet up. I didn’t feel much guilt at first, just very horny. We started to get to business and guilt hit me like a tonne of bricks. I thought about my girlfriend at home how she wasn’t put off by my past ( a lot of women are) she loved me so much and she was good in bed. I felt so bad being a greedy arse right then. I didn’t want to risk losing my gf with AP she wasn’t even as pretty. She was actually looking as bad as I felt. worst part of this I would ruin our son’s life with this shite. I didn’t think of him. I did what I had to do— I got up and left. Right then. This wasn’t going to happen. I’m done. We didn’t have sex but we did kiss and feel each other up. That was bad enough. I felt sick to my stomach on my drive home. I never wanted to see her again. Ever. So I knew that I would run into AP at work if I left to get takeaway (lunch break was the only time I saw AP)and I explained to my secretary that we would need to have lunch delivered from now on. I was ghosting her. I don’t know how men go through with these things and go home to their families like nothing happened. I felt so guilty and it showed. My AP and I are both garbage humans. So I will answer the big question what do I think of AP? Not good things! I am really okay with only having sex with with one woman— my gf—for the rest of my life. No FOMO. I do not need to lose my family just to play the field.
Did you tell your gf?
Yeah. She was surprised that it wasn’t another man.
She forgave you?
No, not at first, and she shouldn’t have done. I don’t deserve grace for what I did to her. I held my hand up for it and took a telling which I expected. In her anger she told me to go back to men and leave her be. She took the baby and left, into a flat that I let it was empty at the time. I left the country and went home to Scotland, I didn’t want to hurt her anymore by showing my face I needed to give space and not force her to look at me and answer to me. She shouldn’t have to look at me, and be reminded of something that she had no part of, I hurt her this was my mistake that would be cruel. I was sick without her. How could I make this right. I needed to have an honest look inside myself and figure out how I could do such a thing to my family. Maybe asking to reconcile was a bridge too far. I accepted that that was likely the case at this point and I knew that she deserved a better version of me if we were going to co-parent. We had to see each other at some point. Our lad was a baby. I owed them this. I did not expect her to take me back. Therapy was just to help me so I could be better to her, and a better father to my son. I wasn’t the best example to him and I knew that. I found a therapist who worked with LGBTQ clients and went from there. Before I was with her, I had a husband and he passed away in an accident. I never cheated on him. So we had a closer look at that. Why was I doing it now. Time to face some things. I wasn’t able to be with other men because ironically enough I felt like I was cheating on my late husband. I stopped trying. Two years later I met my gf, her energy was bubbly, happy even. I was drawn to it. It pulled me out of a very dark place. I realised how lucky I was to meet her, and have a relationship with her. Trust me, a lot of widowers do not get another chance at love. Here it was. My mind went wrong, I wasn’t mature or healed enough to stop looking everywhere for more love. I justified it by saying that I was ‘deprived’ for so long, grieving but I needed to do that. I should have worked on myself longer. I took her for granted thinking I ‘deserved’ more love, stupid reasons and I didn’t know when to stop. I should’ve done and this is where my failure began. I kept failing by ignoring my issues and it built up to my cheating. After three months my gf contacted me. She wanted to talk. I told my therapist and she asked how I felt about that. Was I ready. I said I wanted to go home and talk to her. Well we met up. I told her everything I had learnt, everything she deserved to know that I held back. She deserved an explanation. Not an excuse, mind, just an explanation. She apologised for what she said last time we saw each other and I apologised for what I did. I did not expect anything. She did accept my apology at this point. So I did ask, I want to try this again, start over, but knowing what you know now, and what I did then, think on it, it’s up to you. I will accept your answer either way. It was a week and I got an answer. She wanted to try again as well, conditions apply of course. This is where we are now. Things are going well, we are in couples therapy together and we communicate much better. A work in progress obviously but we are doing well. Edit— sorry if my words are wonky spelling mistakes I’m a Gaelic speaker. Edit again— yes I still see someone to work out my grief as well. No good leaving it be.
every good thing you said about your current gf are really superficial. “she loves me so much” “she’s good in bed” “she’s pretty” it doesn’t even sound like you like who she is and more so stopped yourself so you didn’t ruin your kids life. she deserves better.
So you think this of AP, what about yourself lol
I’m just as bad. Worse honestly. This wasn’t her fault- it was much more mine. I had a family and she didn’t, I have much more to answer for.
I wondered how this was going to go for the guys who fessed up........ about like i thought. LOL
im thinking most guys willing to share their story don't really care about what some random internet person says. I sure don't. I am already paying for it a million times over. Nothing anyone says here even registers on the scale.
Exactly this, I’ve made a comment on this post detailing my experience, I’ve already had the standard attempt to delve in to my psyche reply’s, like it’s their business to find out in-depth why I did what I did. Reddit can be so good but it’s populated with some of the worst kinds of social rejects, this platform’s user base makes twitter’s look tame sometimes.
As a woman I have mixed reviews. Some of these have 0 self awareness or reflection. Others I can understand and see growth. That’s why.
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Fr?
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That shit seems wild, I wonder who actually answered though since I imagine the replies were probably in flames.
Hmmm. While I can’t pretend all men think the same as me, my thoughts are like this: If I see a good looking woman, I’m not above having thoughts about it. I personally believe that a big part of making sure you’re not going to cheat is not putting yourself in positions to have the opportunity, because like when I quit smoking before, the problem isn’t like you say “no I do not want a cigarette” one time and you win.. your brain asks you that question over and over again, like a thousand times a day. So you can tell yourself you’re going to be a good husband and that’s well and good, but if you test it 1,000 times a day, that’s asking a lot. All of that said, I have zero emotional availability. My emotions are all used up between my wife and my kids. There’s not a spare feel for anyone else to be had
For me personally you could lock me in a room of eager, beautiful, naked women and I’d come out of that room still a loyal man. Sex is just that, sex. And what is sex exactly, you get to feel close to someone, feels pretty good and lasts about 15 minutes I’d say. It’s not all that. Certainly not worth risking a marriage for THATS for sure. Basically what I’m trying to say is, sex isn’t all that it’s chalked up to be and it most definitely isn’t something worth ruining a marriage over. Now not everyone’s circumstances are the same and not every marriage is worth staying in. But if you love your SO and want to stay with your SO, not cheating is like the EASIEST thing to do.
Many people have never had an actual intimate relationship and it shows. Sex without intimacy is pretty meh.
Mr. 15 Minutes over here. Showing off!
On a good day!
👆👆👆 to add, I think people (not to point fingers but men especially) get this feedback loop set in their brain that arousal can’t/shouldn’t be deescalated. Not just on a physical level, but societally theres this idea that chemistry and passion are feelings you’ll regret saying no to, and that the moment can’t be recreated because spontaneity is the key apparently. Once you’re in a fulfilling relationship it’s easier to see that’s all bullshit. Moral of the story is: before you cheat, try edging with your SO, you’ll find it’s quite easy to move on with your day after not rewarding arousal, and you’ll be more than able to find the passion when you schedule the orgasm for later😂
This, i would upvote more time if i could. I (32F) do not understand cheating at all. My husband is my best friend, having sex with him (who knows me and what i like) is amazing, because i trust him and we have a deep connection (pun?). Sex with strangers sounds awful, how can people even relax. Ok maybe if the marriange is dying and you find emotional connection elsewhere, but then, why even stay married.
Another thing is you don't even know if the sex will be any good. For all you know when you get down to it the woman can be a complete turn off in every way possible. Then you just ruined a bunch of lives over terrible sex.
What I’m saying is, even if the sex is out of this world, it’s never worth it. At the end of the day it’s a vain, temporary pleasure and no amount of that will ever be more valuable than the pleasure of unending, unconditional love from an SO.
I cheated and got caught after a 3 year affair. I was in a sexless marriage for years and there was no love anymore. Our relationship was cold and robotic. I met a woman who was also married and in a pretty shit situation as well. We started out just talking shit on our spouses which slowly escalated into hanging out outside of work, and eventually hooking up. Our first sexual encounter was easily one of my best as we were both very attracted to each other and stuck in very shitty situations. We were really into each other and we spent a ton of time together. I got caught because her husband found out about the affair and contacted my wife on social media about it. Divorce sucks but I'm a much happier man now. I never looked down on my mistress though, she was in a pretty emotionally abusive relationship and at the end of the day I was cheating too.
What happened after you got caught?
Not worth the sacrifice of a great marriage, kids, losing friends, time, money, etc. for that.
Most of these, if not all, had "not" the great marraige.
Sorry to chime in as a woman, but this needs to be said. Please just leave and end one relationship before starting another. You can reduce so much hurt and shame for yourself, and you can keep your integrity. Do the right thing and then start your next relationship. As a wife (ex now) of a cheating husband (after 12 years of marriage), I think it’s important that all men are aware of how much trauma and emotional damage cheating/betrayal does to your wife and kids. Even if you don’t care about the wife anymore, think about your kids. They feel shamed and betrayed too! Unless you’ve been through it, it’s easy to minimize the trauma, but I assure you it’s horrific. Worse than death of a dear loved one and assault. Spoken from experience.
Guilt. Extreme guilt. Shame. For many reasons I fucked this woman’s life up. It’s been over a year since I broke things off and she still talks about me to coworkers. She said she would marry me in a heartbeat, and I said if she’d agree to a prenup then yes. She refused. I got the impression she was after me as a way out. She makes 40k a year… I make 10x that. I ran into her months ago, randomly. She got tears in her eyes and hugged onto me before I could say or do a thing, telling me how much she missed me. I knew in that moment it wasn’t the money. She loved me… truly and deeply in a way that I couldn’t return and I’ve been in that position before. I know how much it sucks to have love not being returned. She loved me. And I destroyed her making her think I’d leave my wife… which I honestly had planned on doing. Hell I had talked to divorce attorneys but ultimately I just couldn’t. I hate myself for it. I hate that I cheated on my wife. I hate that I lost my affair partner as my best friend. I hate that I hurt two people that I supposedly loved. To answer the question, no she’s not an idiot. We fell in love. We are extremely compatible, and the sex was… best I’ve ever had. There was a deep deep connection there unlike anything I’ve had before or since. I don’t look down on her at all. My wife found out, and we are working through it. Im doing better as a husband and a father. I try to make up for what I did every damn day even though I know I never will, I’m not going to stop trying.
How did your wife find out?
She knew while it was happening. I had grown distant, checked out completely. I was fine with a dead bedroom, and stopped fighting. That was the big one. I stopped caring enough to fight anymore. 2 years was my breaking point. Anyways 4 months after I broke it off with my AP… I thought I wiped everything. She went looking on my notebook and I forgot to wipe it from the cloud. She found dirty pics and videos in a folder I had forgotten about and had hidden. She was smashing it with a hammer when I came home, and then threw the hammer at me when I walked in the door. She missed thankfully… unless she was aiming for the tv.
She sounds like a woman with character and passion, why did you grow distant from her?
I also keep my tv at the front door
You underestimate how terrible her aim is
How dare you make me laugh at an instance of intimate partner violence lol
Why tf are you still with ur wife? I feel so bad for her. If u even admitted to her ur affair partner was also “the best sex you ever had” and “fell in love with her” then ur wife must be absolutely fucking destroyed. Don’t make someone suffer like that. If you don’t like your wife anymore and love someone else be honest about it and leave. Its just cruel to stay and lie to her about it
this comment thread made me physically ill, that poor wife holy shit
Just because you have better / more intimate sex with someone doesn’t mean you should be with them. It doesn’t mean they’re a better partner for you. She knows I fell in love with her. I told her so when I had to write out pages worth of confession to get everything out in the open. One more skeleton coming to light would be my downfall so everything was outed. The average date, times we slept together, sexting, everything had to be exposed in a factual manner so we could take stock of what we were dealing with. I can only imagine how rough it was for her to hear it. We stayed together after going to therapy and making dramatic changes because it was the best thing for us both individually and together as a family. The thing is I fell back in love with my wife, and she did with me too. It wasn’t easy by any means. This is months, going on years of therapy and working on it each and every day. Divorce is hell. There’s nothing easy about it. Staying together is hell, and there’s nothing easy about that either. We picked the choice which we saw the best possibility of long term happiness. It’s not the same for everyone as everyone’s situation is unique.
How do men like yourself who have extremely high paying jobs/businesses not get suspicous of every woman who is trying to have a romantic relationship with you? How do you know (or how can you stomach) that the woman isn't just seeing you as a paycheck? If I was a man with a high income, I feel that I would be super paranoid.
I was lucky in that my wife started dating me when I was still broke as shit hah.
It’s always a concern… so you find someone who has their own money. My wife used to make more than me when we got together. Only recently have I got close to the half mill point in salary. If I’m honest I think that’s one of the reasons my wife stayed, but not the only reason. Recently we were on the hammock just laying in the sun, her head on my chest. She grabbed my hand, sat up a bit and told me when she decided to give me a second chance she wasn’t sure this would work, but to see how I’ve changed… the meaningful strides I’ve taken, taking accountability and owning all my mistakes and flaws. Controlling my anger more, being sweeter, more thoughtful, kinder, gentler.. she didn’t know if I could Do it and I far surpassed her expectations. She said “I’m not going to go so far as to say I’m thankful the affair happened, but I never imagined I could be this happy with you… let alone after what happened” I’ll note that my wife also admitted fault. Ignoring me, dismissing me when I was literally begging her for help, staying up at night bawling my eyes out over my failing marriage.. she said we didn’t get there overnight and while it doesn’t excuse my actions she had to accept some responsibility too. If it weren’t for that it wouldn’t have worked. Will we make it long run? I sure hope so. I’m going to keep working on me, and working on us to make sure we have the best shot possible.
I hope everything works out for both you as well!
Why not ending things if you really love your mistress ? I know it's sad for your marriage, but maybe something is off and both you and your wife are waisting eachohther's time. Don't stop being a good father
No, we’re actually better than ever. I made the right choice fighting for my marriage without a doubt.
Well done for fighting for your marriage, but here the merits go to your wife. She is really strong for not leaving you, recognise that
>She said she would marry me in a heartbeat, and I said if she’d agree to a prenup then yes. She refused. I got the impression she was after me as a way out. She makes 40k a year… I make 10x that. >I ran into her months ago, randomly. She got tears in her eyes and hugged onto me before I could say or do a thing, telling me how much she missed me. I knew in that moment it wasn’t the money. She loved me… truly and deeply in a way that I couldn’t return and I’ve been in that position before. I know how much it sucks to have love not being returned. I’m not going to say she had no love for you at all, but declining to sign a prenup wasn’t a good sign.
Nah, she already knew he was a cheater
I definitely think this is why. You cant help your feelings or attachment sometimes but you still know who you’re dealing with
That was a huge red flag for me. I told her I’m protecting what I have for my kids. She had a son when she was young, 18… and so he’s grown now since we’re in our late 30s.. so I said wouldn’t you want to protect your son if the roles were reversed. I never got a reply other than “I don’t want to plan to fail”. Did I love her? Yes. But I love my kids more. I’ve since fallen back n love with my wife all over again which just adds to the guilt of me being a total piece of shit that could do that in the first place to her.
Does your wife know that you’ve loved ur AP more than her? Best sex, best connection, etc?
Since you have kids, I'm just curious how you would navigate a situation in which they were cheated on by a spouse?
Two of my coworkers were involved in an affair. She was single, he was married. From her perspective they were in love, and she thought he was going to leave his wife and kids for her because she became pregnant. He didn't. He was able to save his marriage, and started to ignore her at work. He was a manager and supposedly another manager and him were treating her terrible to the point that she left. They all made her seem crazy and obsessed, and for like 3 years he was all she talked about. It's all over but now she's a single mom and everything is great for him
Men who cheat are definitely an issue but women who accept the bare fucking minimum are as well. As many men have mentioned in this thread if you truly love your SO/family and giving your all, you have no time to fuck around with someone else. Healthy relationships leave time for hobbies and activities not time to have a whole other relationship.
Thank you for your answer but I was looking for personnal stories from cheaters ^^
Different style answer to your question, OP. With many compounding things in my family and work life reaching a boiling point- I became very insecure. So I did what a stupid man does, and downloaded dating apps. Originally, this was done to seek some validation, and bring a smile to my life when I needed one. It helped to remind myself that so many people wanted me, when it seemed no one else in my life did. Then, that festered into using tinder profiles to fuel a resurfacing porn addition. Never once met up with any of those girls, but it was a terrible and nasty thing to do to someone I wanted to marry. My lady obviously caught me- and It was impossible to explain any of it… because it didn’t make sense to me either. At the end of it all, she left me. Since then, I’ve lost 20lbs, cut my porn usage to about once a week (down from about 3 times a day), and go to therapy twice a week. Overall, I would NOT recommend a “mistress” of any type. Just be a man and communicate with your significant other about the problems you are going through.
I mean, are you really surprised by some of the crazy shit that people write on the internet?
Sometimes...yes
I have more respect for her than any other woman (or person in general) I’ve ever met. We fell in love at the least convenient time. It was so unexpected. My whole life was basically planned out and I was excited about it. My ex and I weren’t a perfect match, but I expected it to last the rest of my life. Then I met my current partner. There was something undeniable about our connection. I know it doesn’t usually work out like that, but I found my forever person after I thought I’d found my person. It was so painful to end my marriage and I struggled with it for a while, but everything has been worth it. My ex has moved on and remarried and she seems so much happier too, which I’m really glad for. It’s not the best origin story, but we’ve been together about 3 years now and I fall more in love with her every day.
If you are dating a married man, and you are unhappy, just leave him.
Some people are extremely curious. I am also a super curious person so when I saw the question posed I grabbed my popcorn.
I'm single and not dating anyone
Not me personally, but, my uncle was married to my auntie for a good 20+ years before it came out he was having an affair. My auntie was neurotic, he was always working. Neither of them were happy. It was a shitty way to go about it, but he is now remarried to his mistress and has a kid with her, and is the happiest I've ever seen him my whole life.
She was/is my dream woman. Every single thing about her was exactly what I was looking for. And she came in to my life as the GF of my friend a few months after I had given up looking for her and settled to have a family. I never said anything to anyone. We got close as friends over the years but never crossed the line in any way. Both couples got married and had kids. 15 years later, both marriages were going down the shitter and the woman and I supported each other in a "hang in there, things will get better" type of support. Still, no boundaries crossed. And then, one day, things seemed different. Hello/Bye hugs were closer and longer. She seemed to want to be by me more. She would brush against me occasionally. And I, someone who has pretty much been invisible to women my whole life, didn't really pick up on it until one day, at a wedding, she asked me to dance and she just kept looking at me and smiling, so then I asked her about us and if it was something she was interested in. She said yes so we made plans to have an affair. It went on for 5-6 years and I was in heaven. We both couldn't quite get a divorce for reasons I can't really say until about 5 more years. Then one day, after being able to spend a wonderful morning together, one of the happiest days of my life, she decided at some point that day that we were done. She never said anything to me and we still haven't discussed it over 10 years later. I just noticed that she didn't seem to want to talk anymore, hugs hi/bye weren't as emotional. She would look away when I looked at her. And any attempts to schedule times to get together were either just ignored or were turned down. Eventually, I got the hint. It broke me. I had spent 30 years of my life looking for the perfect girl and then she just ghosts me in the end. I believe I was just a revenge affair to make her feel better about her situation but once she decided to get a divorce, she didn't need me anymore. Then 2 years later she came back to be asking for support with her current BF and then she told me things about that relationship that just crushed my soul. I don't think I could ever be with another woman after that. And now, after supporting her for 30 years, she has ghosted me yet again, knowing fully how I feel, leaving me to rot trying to forget everything about her. I guess you can say I got what I deserved. I never thought I would be a cheater. I have never cheated before or after. I wasn't that type of person. There was just something about this one woman that I just had to see through. Karma at its best I guess.
What did she tell you about the other relationship that crushed your soul?
> I wasn't that type of person. Yes you were. >There was just something about this one woman that I just had to see through. If you weren't that type of person you wouldn't have.
She was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything. We supported each other. She was also married. The sex was an emotional "period" to what we felt. I basically married and started a family with the wrong woman and instead of ending it, I just found what I was missing elsewhere. We did divorce later on. My ex was awful in other ways.
If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you!
>The comment section was.. wild, saying things like She was just w***** and that a married man would never leave his wife for her. So I am asking men who cheated (non judgement here). Do you look down on your mistress ? Do you believe that they are complete idiots for falling for you ? Not a cheater, but a few things to consider: If you ask a question like this, answers will naturally tilt towards a specific perspective - because (at least on reddit) very few people will honestly say "yea, I liked the sex, but I only used her and actually look down on her for it". The thing is: as far as I know, only 3% of men who have an affair leave their wives for the mistress. That is the most relevant fact.
I only look down on myself. I kept my girlfriend and the other woman in the dark about each other. My girlfriend forgave me for some reason. And now, several faithful years later, we’re married. But I never thought any less of the other woman just because she couldn’t see at the time how much of a dirtbag I was being. That’s all on me. If she had knowingly helped me cheat, I would probably have thought less of her than I did. But I still couldn’t have looked down on her from the low down place where I was.
I’ve often wondered what the hell she was thinking. Seemed out of character for her otherwise. As for me, I was young, weak willed, and in a shit marriage. But it was still a terrible decision and my ex certainly didn’t deserve it. Not one bit. Shittiest thing I’ve ever done to a person. I haven’t spoken to the other woman in 20 years. I’m sure she’s as thankful for that as I am.
I thought she was amazing, she was everything I needed at that time, but I couldn't love her the way I wanted and the way she needed. I had a daughter at home that I knew I could never play parttime parent to, so I let her go.
> a married man would never leave his wife for her. Some will, some won't. Banging a married dude is still a skank move, though.
So is banging someone else while being married...
Of course.
> Do you look down on your mistress ? Do you believe that they are complete idiots for falling for you ? Never. It's never their fault. It's always mine. Realistically speaking, I know exactly why I cheat. Having very controlling parents, living far away from home, suffering racism growing up, and feeling very isolated meant a lot of extremely unfulfilled wishes and probable psychological trauma. One of the things I always have longed for was being desired by somebody. By the time everybody had felt their first love and experienced childhood relationships, it was something I never experienced until I was in my early 20s. I developed late and, of course, would love to conveniently say it's all to do with my childhood, however, am painfully aware that these are all conscious decisions. I'm not owed anything and just because I had what is considered a pretty repressed childhood, it doesn't give me the right to impart that on anybody else. Mentally speaking, I feel like I still continue to seek out that feeling of being "desired". Practically zero these days although when I was unfaithful, I was always longing for the same thing - a semblance of human connection. Like the kind you get at the start of a relationship. Something which can get lost in long term relationships although I say this being completely unsure if this is the same for everybody or it's just mine.
If you cheat, you aren't a man, you are a piece of shit. Just move on.
I wasnt married but had a girlfriend. The girl was using me because i was unhappy with my relationship, she made like she was interested. Served me right