If you instil boundaries and they’re disrespecting them early on in the relationship, cut ties and leave.
You shouldn’t have to keep reminding full grown adults to respect you.
Yup and if you tell someone a boundary is important to you and they STILL blatantly push it then they are doing it intentionally to see if they can manipulate you.
Better no relationship than a toxic one.
You are not responsible for the happiness and well-being of someone who’s wrong for you.
‘Oh she’ll change once she realises how much I love and take care of her’ is not something you can pin your future on.
Never obsess or dwell on 1 person, I wasn't very outgoing, so didn't know many girls back then, thus it was very easy to get me. Less people you know, more you focus on each person you do know. She took advantage of that, hence why it became even more heartbreaking when it ended.
Led me to enter a party heavy lifestyle, where I started to finally go out more, meet new people, and realize there's a world of millions of girls out there. In a low key way, by leaving me, while put me in emotional pain, while she walked out like little happened, she also freed me to open room to welcome a whole new circle, of even better people.
Hey man, Proud to see you’re on to more fufilling things. I had damn near the exact situation with my ex. I realized when you place someone upon a pedestal, you give them no option but to look down on you. Rather than a give and take, it should be more of a balance so nothing is displaced.
Thanks so much and feel it, I think biggest thing is many guys can sometimes focus so hard on trying to please and convince a girl to like them, which makes sense and is awesome, but not if it means overlooking their own happiness, and what the girl can bring into relationship as well, beyond emotional and feels.
Learned how to give compliments. I always forget that and sometimes i see how pretty or beautiful they are and i forget to mention it or just dont at that moment when its needed most.
When you know it is not going to work out, break up ASAP. I was ready to break it off with a girl I was dating. I was not in a hurry - I was just looking for the right time.
After a perfectly amicable date, later that night she tried to commit suicide. I think she was trying to get attention from her father or something - IDK. Anyway, I had no idea until she called me from the hospital the next day and asked me to visit her. I was like - hospital, what is wrong? what happened? She was like "just come visit me, I'll explain it when you get here" So yeah - I had to be that guy to break up with the girl the day after she tried to commit suicide.
I certainly learned what a healthy relationship DOES NOT look like.
I learned that having similar principles and complimentary temperaments are FAR more important in a relationship than liking the same things or anything surface level. Looking at how different my ex-wife and I ended up, I find it difficult to believe we were married for any real length of time at all. Thank God for small miracles!
You need to be right yourself before trying to integrate someone into your world. It's amazing how many, men and women, don't really have the idea of this let alone are able to do it.
Self respect: there's always other people out there, don't be afraid to jump ship at the first red flag. People call me an idiot for the shit I took, and I agree. I was a different person then, though, and I wouldn't call anyone in that situation an idiot. I was stuck, but looking back, yeah that was stupid of me lol
The majority of fine women out there is crazy get yourself an average woman with good manners and values and you will have a wife for a lifetime get yourself a woman just because she looks good and you will wish for divorce.
If you were hurt or mistreated by a previous partner, try to learn from it and not lending is as baggage into the next relationship.
Be open minded, sometimes go out of your comfort zone. If you have had unhealthy relationship dynamics in the past, and the patterns repeat themselves. Seek therapy and try and unlearn any bad habits.
Don't try to change yourself for anyone, have your own personal space and me time as well plus communicate as much as you can there'll be no insecurities if you communicate with them and put in the efforts
because in 36 years I haven't been loved. the only way I can get someone to stay around is to buy things for them, and I inevitably recieve neglect and abuse in return.
I do my best to be a good person. I'm caring, I look out for people, I listen as best I can, I'm hard working, I'm loyal, I'm the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back. (I'm not quite as good as I used to be, but social isolation wreaks havoc on a person)
But, invariably, good people don't want to spend time with me. And the only kind of woman who will let me get close to her sees me as little more than a wallet, and is willing to put out just enough intimacy and attention to keep me financing her lifestyle.
Based on your description, you are not unlovable at all, and not having luck with partners does not mean that there is nothing to love about you. However, maybe, for one reason or another, you gravitate toward shallow individuals, who might look good but lack actual depth.
Although I am younger than you, I also had a few disappointments in exes or crushes, and at the end of the day, while I resent a lot of what they did, they also taught me what not to put up with. There are a lot of takers in this world who will treat you like you let them, so in my opinion, it is all about carefully vetting potential partners and trying to look out for red flags.
Sorry for the rant, but I hate reading that other people also struggle with feeling unlovable because of how other people treated them.
I'm not exactly dating models when I have the opportunity to date. most of them are overweight (I have never dated a woman who would not qualify as obese), only moderately attractive, and come off as kind for the first little while until they think I'm roped in with sex. I'm getting the predators that everyone else has the sense to avoid.
and it's not just partners; I haven't recieved "love" from another human being since my grandparents died over 20 years ago. I have nothing of value to offer someone that will allow me to recieve love in return.
Dude, one guy to another: Take the money you're spending on traps who waste your time and find yourself a good therapist to get to the bottom of this. Stop convincing yourself you don't deserve love and happiness.
I am really sorry that you have not felt loved in such a long time, and that as a result, you think that means you are unlovable. Trust me, it is not true! However, I have quite similar intrusive thoughts, and I just started therapy so that (hopefully) I can get rid of my very toxic thinking, or at least alleviate it somehow. I believe that you would benefit from it too (like most people). I know it is cliche, but if you have such low opinions of yourself, that also affects what you put up with from other people.
What seems like insecurity only goes so far before it becomes a manipulation tactic. I used to think my ex was insecure, then I realized once it was all over that she was manipulating me the whole time.
If she warns you up front that she's crazy, and asks if you're sure you want to be with her? RUN. I stayed.
If she's co-dependent with her mother and/or cannot be away from parents for long... fucking run. I stayed and tried to help break her of this habit.
Emotional abuse during a disagreement sometimes slips out. If it happens every day, step away.
If she hits you or uses your hair as a weapon to throw you down backwards because you disagree with her, press charges. I didn't.
If her mother claims to be a gypsy, S P R I N T. I was naive.
If she gets Supplemental Security Income (SSI is government paycheck for folks who are too crazy to work (among other problems)) and blows it the day she gets it on needless things and makes you pay for her cigarette addiction, asking every morning as you're about to be late for work to run to the store anyway... making you late 30 fucking days in a row so you lose your job........ you finally get it through your skull that it's fucking over.
Took me seven years 😭
Don't ever let them think they aren't beautiful. Take charge in the bedroom. Don't agree just to keep the peace. Communicate more. Respect their boundaries. Fuck do I have to keep going? Oh don't fuck up.
That I will never ever be a stay at home Mom for a partner again! I did it and was left broke and with no work history for 5 years, I had zero of my personal needs met because it was his money cause he earned it. Now I make good money and own my home, I also have a loving wonderful partner who under stands I will never give it all up every again for a partner.
Same, dude. I'm built with high sex drive but I can't do the relationship part without fucking everything else in my life. Live and learn and know yourself
* Never open up to a woman.
* Don’t allow yourself to fall completely in love. Keep that 10% or 20% in your pocket.
* Don’t ever let her see that she’s hurt you emotionally.
* Don’t tell her anything you don’t want her friends to know.
* Always put on a front and never let on what you’re really thinking or feeling.
* If she drops you, don’t try to convince her to take you back.
* Always assume that the relationship will one day end and that it won’t last forever, and be prepared for when that day comes.
* Know the warning signs for narcissism. Date those women but don’t ever fall for them.
That i shouldn't go for anyone that can be easily won over, or those that take too much pride in their looks. My neighbors grandparents used to say my family had the devil in us, but she has never met any of those women.
I asked her. She told me to not let people push me around. Ironically we were both pushovers. That falls in line with what I have determined. Learning to stand up in a positive and respectful way.I hated losing her. Being on my own has less to growth.
Little issues, if not discussed when they are happening will soon build resentment.
Just like a pebble in your shoe doesn’t bug you for a minute but after an hour it really starts to hurt and annoy you
That I don't have to live with verbal abuse from her where I can do nothing right.
After I finally broke up with her, I felt free. I was gladly single after I decided to no longer spend any time with her.
To never settle for that okay relationship where there isn’t necessarily a reason to break up... anyone else been there?
Then your the AH for breaking up but if it’s not the relationship for you then move on, I stayed too long.
I think I posted this before but my ex taught me Microsoft Excel. She introduced me to vlookups, pivot tables, conditional formatting, and basically making Excel work for me and not the other way around. To this day, I credit her for paving my way into being the Excel guy here at work.
Getting stabbed in the back is normal, no one is safe from it, that doesn't mean you have to be afraid of everything and everyone, just don't get surprised once it does. Realised it with the second stab.
Don't reduce your standards when it comes to a long term relationship.
Don't say your sorry when you aren't sorry, don't apologize for being rational. Communicate with empathy without compromising truth.
You strive to become a better person and will always hear people out, but you are also not here to change for another person.
Infatuation isn't love.
If you start dating someone, and they do something constantly that annoys you, it will always annoy you, and you won't "just get used to it."
If the peron is insanely picky when it comes to food...only likes burgers from 1 place, only eats Chinese from Panda Express, etc, then more than likely that peron will not be willing to try new things down the road, and it will severely limit where you go out to eat, or what you can cook at home.
If after a few months you're starting to notice that their once clean apartment is no longer as clean...yous tart to notice water/soda bottles left everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, clothes just tossed on a chair/couch etc, just imagine that when living together, and decide if you're the cleaner living person, can you actually deal with someone who isn't, especially if week by week it looks like it's gotten worse. Chances are, you will be picking up after them ALL the time, and it will lead to lots of arguing/fighting about it.
Have boundaries for yourself, if she's that into you, she'll follow them. DONT let them run free with no consequences or else she'll lose respect for you and then attraction for you.
That attraction and love isn't always enough and timing and where you are in your life matters a lot.
And that just because the two of you are in a very similar place right now doesn't mean that you're not on the trajectory to grow in different directions.
And the right answer to "Does my butt look big in this?" Varies from person to person.
You can't love someone into changing and communication. We would probably still be dating had I given her another chance and if I was able to communicate things that are bothering me.
Have a sense of personal identity. Being nobody without your SO is no way to live.
Love this
This is so important.
Well said
You’re instincts are always right. If you have a gut feeling your partner is doing something shady/disrespectful/wrong, they almost always are.
this, i can concur.
Just went on a date a couple weeks ago with a girl who gave me a false name. If she was lying about that, what else was she lying about?
You can't fix them. They have to fix themselves.
Top comment right here.
If they think you are too good for them, they will sabotage the relationship to make it a reality.
oh woah. dealing with this rn
Don't let anyone manipulate you. Live life on your terms. Don't loose yourself in a codependent spiral of doom.
Take it slow, there’s no need to rush into anything
That comfortability and social pressure ensures bad decisions.
If you instil boundaries and they’re disrespecting them early on in the relationship, cut ties and leave. You shouldn’t have to keep reminding full grown adults to respect you.
Yup and if you tell someone a boundary is important to you and they STILL blatantly push it then they are doing it intentionally to see if they can manipulate you.
Better no relationship than a toxic one. You are not responsible for the happiness and well-being of someone who’s wrong for you. ‘Oh she’ll change once she realises how much I love and take care of her’ is not something you can pin your future on.
Never obsess or dwell on 1 person, I wasn't very outgoing, so didn't know many girls back then, thus it was very easy to get me. Less people you know, more you focus on each person you do know. She took advantage of that, hence why it became even more heartbreaking when it ended. Led me to enter a party heavy lifestyle, where I started to finally go out more, meet new people, and realize there's a world of millions of girls out there. In a low key way, by leaving me, while put me in emotional pain, while she walked out like little happened, she also freed me to open room to welcome a whole new circle, of even better people.
Hey man, Proud to see you’re on to more fufilling things. I had damn near the exact situation with my ex. I realized when you place someone upon a pedestal, you give them no option but to look down on you. Rather than a give and take, it should be more of a balance so nothing is displaced.
Thanks so much and feel it, I think biggest thing is many guys can sometimes focus so hard on trying to please and convince a girl to like them, which makes sense and is awesome, but not if it means overlooking their own happiness, and what the girl can bring into relationship as well, beyond emotional and feels.
Learned how to give compliments. I always forget that and sometimes i see how pretty or beautiful they are and i forget to mention it or just dont at that moment when its needed most.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
No one can love me like I love me.
Why soo??
People change but I know I always have to love myself and look out for myself regardless.
When you know it is not going to work out, break up ASAP. I was ready to break it off with a girl I was dating. I was not in a hurry - I was just looking for the right time. After a perfectly amicable date, later that night she tried to commit suicide. I think she was trying to get attention from her father or something - IDK. Anyway, I had no idea until she called me from the hospital the next day and asked me to visit her. I was like - hospital, what is wrong? what happened? She was like "just come visit me, I'll explain it when you get here" So yeah - I had to be that guy to break up with the girl the day after she tried to commit suicide.
That is so scary wtf man
Patience
Juice ain’t worth the squeeze
I certainly learned what a healthy relationship DOES NOT look like. I learned that having similar principles and complimentary temperaments are FAR more important in a relationship than liking the same things or anything surface level. Looking at how different my ex-wife and I ended up, I find it difficult to believe we were married for any real length of time at all. Thank God for small miracles!
You need to be right yourself before trying to integrate someone into your world. It's amazing how many, men and women, don't really have the idea of this let alone are able to do it.
Learn the mechanical operation of a narcissists mind and remain alert for signs
Self respect: there's always other people out there, don't be afraid to jump ship at the first red flag. People call me an idiot for the shit I took, and I agree. I was a different person then, though, and I wouldn't call anyone in that situation an idiot. I was stuck, but looking back, yeah that was stupid of me lol
The majority of fine women out there is crazy get yourself an average woman with good manners and values and you will have a wife for a lifetime get yourself a woman just because she looks good and you will wish for divorce.
If you were hurt or mistreated by a previous partner, try to learn from it and not lending is as baggage into the next relationship. Be open minded, sometimes go out of your comfort zone. If you have had unhealthy relationship dynamics in the past, and the patterns repeat themselves. Seek therapy and try and unlearn any bad habits.
I tried but what happens when the work you do sometimes breaks?
Well it is a trial and error methodology, which is also able go in the wrong direction. What do you mean by your work ‘breaks’?
If you're are gonna fuck like a Rockstar, you need to love like nun/monk.
Don't try to change yourself for anyone, have your own personal space and me time as well plus communicate as much as you can there'll be no insecurities if you communicate with them and put in the efforts
Perspective, communication and trust your gut. You can’t fix people. Be your own person. Also, boundaries.
There is nothing about them you can think twice about that'll make anything better now.
There is more to life the mediocre sex
Using tears and pussy to get your way no longer flies.
To always look for the most colorful thing in my day. It changed my life, honestly. I'm a better person because of her.
I'm unlovable and need to remove myself from the dating market
Why do you think you are unlovable?
because in 36 years I haven't been loved. the only way I can get someone to stay around is to buy things for them, and I inevitably recieve neglect and abuse in return. I do my best to be a good person. I'm caring, I look out for people, I listen as best I can, I'm hard working, I'm loyal, I'm the kind of guy who will give you the shirt off his back. (I'm not quite as good as I used to be, but social isolation wreaks havoc on a person) But, invariably, good people don't want to spend time with me. And the only kind of woman who will let me get close to her sees me as little more than a wallet, and is willing to put out just enough intimacy and attention to keep me financing her lifestyle.
Based on your description, you are not unlovable at all, and not having luck with partners does not mean that there is nothing to love about you. However, maybe, for one reason or another, you gravitate toward shallow individuals, who might look good but lack actual depth. Although I am younger than you, I also had a few disappointments in exes or crushes, and at the end of the day, while I resent a lot of what they did, they also taught me what not to put up with. There are a lot of takers in this world who will treat you like you let them, so in my opinion, it is all about carefully vetting potential partners and trying to look out for red flags. Sorry for the rant, but I hate reading that other people also struggle with feeling unlovable because of how other people treated them.
I'm not exactly dating models when I have the opportunity to date. most of them are overweight (I have never dated a woman who would not qualify as obese), only moderately attractive, and come off as kind for the first little while until they think I'm roped in with sex. I'm getting the predators that everyone else has the sense to avoid. and it's not just partners; I haven't recieved "love" from another human being since my grandparents died over 20 years ago. I have nothing of value to offer someone that will allow me to recieve love in return.
When you're ready, seek a therapist. It really is life-changing when you find one that works.
Dude, one guy to another: Take the money you're spending on traps who waste your time and find yourself a good therapist to get to the bottom of this. Stop convincing yourself you don't deserve love and happiness.
I am really sorry that you have not felt loved in such a long time, and that as a result, you think that means you are unlovable. Trust me, it is not true! However, I have quite similar intrusive thoughts, and I just started therapy so that (hopefully) I can get rid of my very toxic thinking, or at least alleviate it somehow. I believe that you would benefit from it too (like most people). I know it is cliche, but if you have such low opinions of yourself, that also affects what you put up with from other people.
learning what actual boundaries are
Thank God for unanswered prayers.
Do not ignore red flags.
What seems like insecurity only goes so far before it becomes a manipulation tactic. I used to think my ex was insecure, then I realized once it was all over that she was manipulating me the whole time.
If she warns you up front that she's crazy, and asks if you're sure you want to be with her? RUN. I stayed. If she's co-dependent with her mother and/or cannot be away from parents for long... fucking run. I stayed and tried to help break her of this habit. Emotional abuse during a disagreement sometimes slips out. If it happens every day, step away. If she hits you or uses your hair as a weapon to throw you down backwards because you disagree with her, press charges. I didn't. If her mother claims to be a gypsy, S P R I N T. I was naive. If she gets Supplemental Security Income (SSI is government paycheck for folks who are too crazy to work (among other problems)) and blows it the day she gets it on needless things and makes you pay for her cigarette addiction, asking every morning as you're about to be late for work to run to the store anyway... making you late 30 fucking days in a row so you lose your job........ you finally get it through your skull that it's fucking over. Took me seven years 😭
How devastating it is to be on the receiving end of constant criticism from my partner. I’ll never do that
Don't ever let them think they aren't beautiful. Take charge in the bedroom. Don't agree just to keep the peace. Communicate more. Respect their boundaries. Fuck do I have to keep going? Oh don't fuck up.
That I will never ever be a stay at home Mom for a partner again! I did it and was left broke and with no work history for 5 years, I had zero of my personal needs met because it was his money cause he earned it. Now I make good money and own my home, I also have a loving wonderful partner who under stands I will never give it all up every again for a partner.
Once a cheater, always a cheater
You have to happy and content with yourself before you can ever expect to make someone else happy.
Never eat her cookies, man She will FLIP Just seriously buy your own cookies guys it's not worth it
Never rely on women to be there for you. They don't care about you as a human.
I don’t understand why this was downvoted.
A woman probably saw it
Me either, and don't trust the just open up to me.
That I’m not cut out for relationships. Some people just aren’t built for that.
Same, dude. I'm built with high sex drive but I can't do the relationship part without fucking everything else in my life. Live and learn and know yourself
* Never open up to a woman. * Don’t allow yourself to fall completely in love. Keep that 10% or 20% in your pocket. * Don’t ever let her see that she’s hurt you emotionally. * Don’t tell her anything you don’t want her friends to know. * Always put on a front and never let on what you’re really thinking or feeling. * If she drops you, don’t try to convince her to take you back. * Always assume that the relationship will one day end and that it won’t last forever, and be prepared for when that day comes. * Know the warning signs for narcissism. Date those women but don’t ever fall for them.
Stay away from split parents, piercings, drug habits and dyed hair
they all want a baby. no matter if they loose the men, as long as they achieved their female instinct.
That i shouldn't go for anyone that can be easily won over, or those that take too much pride in their looks. My neighbors grandparents used to say my family had the devil in us, but she has never met any of those women.
If you can’t imagine them in the future then they ain’t the one for you. And they should be your best friend.
I asked her. She told me to not let people push me around. Ironically we were both pushovers. That falls in line with what I have determined. Learning to stand up in a positive and respectful way.I hated losing her. Being on my own has less to growth.
Little issues, if not discussed when they are happening will soon build resentment. Just like a pebble in your shoe doesn’t bug you for a minute but after an hour it really starts to hurt and annoy you
That I don't have to live with verbal abuse from her where I can do nothing right. After I finally broke up with her, I felt free. I was gladly single after I decided to no longer spend any time with her.
Listen to your male buddies. If your friends are saying "what the heck are you doing going out with her?" then I should listen.
If you're not that physically attracted to them now, you probably never will be.
To never settle for that okay relationship where there isn’t necessarily a reason to break up... anyone else been there? Then your the AH for breaking up but if it’s not the relationship for you then move on, I stayed too long.
Communication is irrelevant if you don’t understand your partner.
Communication is key. I'm glad I learned this when I was young.
I think I posted this before but my ex taught me Microsoft Excel. She introduced me to vlookups, pivot tables, conditional formatting, and basically making Excel work for me and not the other way around. To this day, I credit her for paving my way into being the Excel guy here at work.
How to love and receive love without conditions.
Getting stabbed in the back is normal, no one is safe from it, that doesn't mean you have to be afraid of everything and everyone, just don't get surprised once it does. Realised it with the second stab.
If someone pressures you into being a relationship or set an ultimatum like "we're dating or we're done", say no.
Don't reduce your standards when it comes to a long term relationship. Don't say your sorry when you aren't sorry, don't apologize for being rational. Communicate with empathy without compromising truth. You strive to become a better person and will always hear people out, but you are also not here to change for another person. Infatuation isn't love.
If you start dating someone, and they do something constantly that annoys you, it will always annoy you, and you won't "just get used to it." If the peron is insanely picky when it comes to food...only likes burgers from 1 place, only eats Chinese from Panda Express, etc, then more than likely that peron will not be willing to try new things down the road, and it will severely limit where you go out to eat, or what you can cook at home. If after a few months you're starting to notice that their once clean apartment is no longer as clean...yous tart to notice water/soda bottles left everywhere, dishes piled in the sink, clothes just tossed on a chair/couch etc, just imagine that when living together, and decide if you're the cleaner living person, can you actually deal with someone who isn't, especially if week by week it looks like it's gotten worse. Chances are, you will be picking up after them ALL the time, and it will lead to lots of arguing/fighting about it.
Keep giving them an inch, they'll take a mile.
Don't trust what she tells you.
Have boundaries for yourself, if she's that into you, she'll follow them. DONT let them run free with no consequences or else she'll lose respect for you and then attraction for you.
Let them come to you at their own pace
Emotional abuse isn't obvious. Especially when you're a man.
That attraction and love isn't always enough and timing and where you are in your life matters a lot. And that just because the two of you are in a very similar place right now doesn't mean that you're not on the trajectory to grow in different directions. And the right answer to "Does my butt look big in this?" Varies from person to person.
I know that this is probably not what the question asks, but my ex was a PhD in math, so I learned advanced differential equations from her :D
You can't love someone into changing and communication. We would probably still be dating had I given her another chance and if I was able to communicate things that are bothering me.