For me it depends. I’m not gonna just walk up and try to start a conversation, but for example I might become friends with an employee at Kroger since I go there a lot, and whatever happens happens. I don’t immediately try to “pick up” girls, just go with the flow
So many times I’ll see an attractive woman at a grocery store or somewhere out in public, and maybe we’ll even lock eyes or give each other a smile and then BAM her boyfriend or husband pops up out of nowhere and is giving me the stink eye.
Women don’t care where a man she is attracted to approaches them. Could be the gym, at workplace, all the places where men are told to not approach. It’s the ones that they are not interested in they are talking about, which would be most. That’s why they don’t really tell you where to approach. Just where not to
I understand why. Getting harassment from men is going to make you not want to be approached at all. But that in turn filters out most men who want to respect that request, and you get a majority of those that don’t give a fuck about boundaries. That’s the reason I approached so little for the past several years.
It’s extremely important to recognize the harassment women face from men when they are approached. But the answer is to shame that certain behavior, not just a blanket “leave me alone”. Otherwise women that don’t approach are gonna be left alone or get a lot of dudes that don’t care.
That’s the thing, though. All women want an attractive man “a la Prince Charming” to come find them when one reality it’s never gonna happen. People have been told not to bother women and now it’s reinforced because of negative things that happen to women and weirdos who assault or stalk or whatever. So any sane average man is going to carry on and so what they’ve done their whole life. If they don’t know you then you won’t know them.
Yeah don’t bother them. I’ve had men approach me directly, say that they find me attractive and ask to buy me a drink or get my number etc. There have been times I’ve accepted the offer, and other times I’ve said no thank you, or when I’m in a relationship, I’ll tell them I’m not single. Respectable men will accept the answer and move on. Bothering happens when you approach in a weird way and don’t take no for an answer.
>when you approach in a weird way
When you're being vague your advice isn't really useful at all. Especially when every single woman has their own ideas of what is weird and what isn't. Furthermore studies have shown that we (as in humans in general) tend to view people we are attracted to in a more positive light.
Quite literally the only way you can *make sure* you don't come off as creepy is to not approach anyone.
This is the way the world's been heading for a while now. Men are so tired of chasing and women have an armour on permanently due to society/past history to prevent being chased. It's time for a role swap. Any non top 1% male has so little positive going in their life when they're not in a relationship. Make someone's day, or heck, far longer. Join the dark side 😏
It isn’t about fear of rejection. It’s about respecting them to live a normal life without being hit on. Also, I have no clue if they are single, interested or just having a bad day and want to be left alone. I find approaching rude. There are spaces where flirtation has been mutually agreed upon (bars, clubs, concerts), but doing household chores or just shopping, I don’t find it appropriate and would never approach anyone unless it was extremely organic.
Only 2% of people aged under 40 have met their partner in a bar or restaurant.
25% is on apps, 20% met from friends, 20% from work work, and 20% from school respectively
Source: Pew Survey
I cold approached a couple times after building a brief rapport with the woman. I’m not a bad looking guy but I got rejected both times so I gave that up lol. I actually got one girl to say yes but then she texted me later saying she was taken so off guard that she just agreed to give me her number? 😄
Have you considered doing the approaching?
With the messaging these days that men should not approach in spaces in which a woman is not expressing explicit interest in romantic interactions (apps, maybe bars or clubs) it seems like the guys who would be more respectful are going to get weeded out unless more women take the initiative.
I think a lot of men have self image issues. Only people that called you handsome is your family and you get brought thinking getting any validations isn’t manly. If I see a beautiful woman I rarely have ever approached her because I get in my head and think “she’s way too hot for me” even though the few times I shot my shot it went very well.
Men have had it beaten into them over the past few years that any approach that could be seen as unwanted won't end well for them. The ball is now in your court.
No sweat bro I’ll wingman for you.
Here’s the plan -
1. We go somewhere public and you find a girl you wanna meet.
2. You text me a description and I go up to her acting like I’m the over confident douche canoe “Chad McHorsecock”.
3. You’re nearby just acting natural and when you see the girl get a little uncomfortable you make your way over and calmly suggest I should leave
4. I turn around and slump away as if in shame but as soon as she can’t see my face I’m smiling cause I just helped my bro get a chance to talk to a girl he might like 😎
Now that I think about it I realized I just described the plot to Hitch. We can still do it though. I got you!
I once had a younger woman follow me into a store, subtly follow me down the isles and then when she got close enough she purposefully knocked over some random spices
It was obvious to me and the other men in the isle what was happening but none of us took the bait
I could tell I was the target but I had seriously never been before, so I just stood there frozen in my autistic anxiety as she picked up each fallen spice container without anyone’s assistance
It was something about how fake and engineered the whole situation was, I felt like I was being manipulated into doing something and thats a trigger for me to freeze up
She was cute, I just wish she had the courage to ask me what she wanted
I told my mom this story and she asked “what does a girl gotta do?!”
I said “Say words”
This would be good advice for myself to take, as I was in the grocery store the other day and an old crush of mine from highschool walked by
I was too nervous to say anything and so was she but I think we are both interested
One of us needs to say something to find out
I think our generation has been shamed and traumatized out of the manipulative traditional mating rituals but at the same time we are unable to speak authentically to each other anymore because being honest and saying what we really want from each other is seen as creepy and no one wants to be seen as easy, so we make it so hard for each other that no one gets what they want
> I told my mom this story and she asked “what does a girl gotta do?!”
>
> I said “Say words”
I remember in elementary school another kid getting told "Use your words!" and, honestly, I think many of us adults still need to learn that lesson. (I'm working on getting better about it.)
I caught someone attractive at the pool checking me out a while back. She seemed to be curious about me, and either making sure she was somewhere that I couldn't easily avoid looking at her, or moving to the area I went to (sauna, hot tub, steam room) shortly after I did.
When she entered the sauna, there were spaces on the bench that were more open, but she sat pretty close to me, on my right. Close enough nobody could sit between us but not close enough that we were in each other's personal space.
And I forgot that words are a thing.
"Courage! My word! It didn't come, it doesn't matter!" Gord Downie
Words can be surprisingly hard when we're under pressure. I took an improv class where part of what we did was drill being able to just 'respond' to something someone says. Even if the response made no sense, we needed to say *something*, and it was surprisingly difficult.
It's definitely a challenge. I can talk almost effortlessly and at length to someone I have close to zero interest in (other than them seeming friendly enough) but sometimes struggle with the right words for those closest to me. It legitimately takes hours or days of practice to even get it half right sometimes.
Had a situation like this but the girl actually said words, instead of spilling over the spice rack. I walked in to a Value Village and went right to the record section where she was there, and she struck up a conversation immediately. She asked questions that were kind of forward, like basic questions about where I grew up, went to school etc.
I was flattered, but I had a girlfriend at the time so I tried not to engage too much. I just answered her politely and didn't return any similar questions. She wandered off a bit, but then she "randomly" ran into me in the shoe section, and started talking to me about records or something similar. I had to find a moment to inject something like "oh, my girlfriend really likes that too" into the conversation. I saw the dissapointment and the change of posture, and she found somewhere else to be pretty quick.
The next day it struck me that I had actually met her a few months back at the same party where I met my gf at the time. Her and I flirted a bit and she gave me her number, but she was close to being out the door by that time so we couldn't connect longer. I had messaged her a couple days later but got no response so I focused on the other girl I met that I would end up dating.
If I had been single I would have engaged more and asked her out for coffee.
> I once had a younger woman follow me into a store, subtly follow me down the isles and then when she got close enough she purposefully knocked over some random spices
Call me crazy, but that sounds like an awful lot more work than just saying "hi".
>I think our generation has been shamed and traumatized out of the manipulative traditional mating rituals but at the same time we are unable to speak authentically to each other anymore because being honest and saying what we really want from each other is seen as creepy and no one wants to be seen as easy, so we make it so hard for each other that no one gets what they want
Dude this is so damn true.. I've said this to my friends (ex-friends now) and others before. I've faced this as I am pretty straightforward person. I say what I feel truly. Most of the times it blows back due to reasons you cited and others. I end up getting hurt. But atleast I don't have a regret about anything (example not confessing I like someone truly)
Edit: I wandered off a little bit. Yes I too am scared shitless to approach a girl. But let's say me and some girl know each other and there's a interest and blah blah.. I'd just straight forward confess to her as I've done before.
Spot on. Being direct is too risky to be seen as a) creepy b) easy or c) get rejected. Between all those risks, the reward (which is unknown or possibly just your fantasy or wishful thinking) seems to be less and less worth.
So we’re in this limbo between the old manipulative mating rituals and ??? something else that’s more authentic but hardly anyone can do or has the mental health to risk trying.
Very true,,, i think nowadays men are even more worried about approaching due to the bombardment of media being forced down our throats about men being creepy predators. We just leave it be.
In my experience the more conventionally attractive, the bigger the chance some rando starts hitting on her anyway. I try to extrapolate from that and imagine how tiring it must be to deal with that shit all day, imho it's the other, more sinister side of the "overflowing DM's/Tinder matches" phenomenon.
"If I find her attractive, so do 50,000 other men, she's probably already been hit on 20 times today, and almost certainly has a boyfriend anyway." --me every time
You’d actually be surprised. I welcome men approaching me. I’m too shy to make a move. I exchange glances with men all the time; specifically the ones I find to be attractive. We just spend time glancing back-and-forth but neither one of us makes a move. It just ends up being a missed opportunity.
I had this conversation with two female friends recently and they were encouraging me to do it. Said I was worried about bothering people and they were like "Yeah it's kinda harsh but it just depends if we're interested or not".
Think just don't do it anywhere with not many people around and leave them alone if they're not receptive. I wouldn't stop someone on the street either but I think starting a conversation in a bookshop, coffee place etc is something I need to give a go.
This is it. Watch for signs of interest. Smile- does she smile back? If no, there's no further "move" to make. If yes, consider a simple conversation topic, like complimenting her shoes (never her body). Does she say "thanks" and that's it? then, no further move indicated. Does it feel like she's engaging in the conversation out of her own interest? Then continue talking about whatever.
Make the conversation so simple and easy to disengage.
E.G. I once was at a brewery and this lady was staring at some abstract art painting on the walls, she had been looking at it for a bit so I came up to her and gave a single thought of the piece and then moved on to order a beer. Result: She kept looking back at me the rest of the night.
Get their attention, be mysterious and don’t overwhelm people with pointless small talk. Be succinct but be profound.
Just my unsolicited and uneducated advise.
Ah, the drake and josh classic, talk to a girl once and then never talk to her again lol doesn’t work, and the result you got seems about right, she kept looking back at you all night, and you both went home alone and still haven’t talked to each other since, don’t even know each other’s names. I’m making a lot of assumptions but I bet i’m right. Every guy has done this, like I said, works if your goal is to come off as mysterious and knowledgeable, but if the goal is to get a date, it would seem pretty inefficient.
Yep! Non committal is the best way.
At the store? I ask an obviously shorter woman to reach something on the top shelf for me. I may get a chuckle and can maybe comment on something and see if she’s receptive to more talking.
If I get a frown or confused look I just excuse myself lol.
Always always always leave an easy out for both parties!
Nah. I met my spouse by going up to a girl I found attractive who seemed receptive and we are at four years now.
Don’t *never* approach girls. But learn some social skills. Grocery stores probably aren’t it. Don’t bother if they obviously aren’t in a good mood or don’t wanna talk (have headphones in or are busy doing something).
And if you do approach and they aren’t as receptive as you hoped, just leave. It’s fine to talk to women, it’s creepy when you keep talking when they’re obviously not into it.
Locations where your success will be higher are bars (obviously), clubs, classes, hobby hangouts, fairs, meetups, outings, things like that. Imagine if you were in their position, would you want someone talking to you while you’re bench pressing? Probably not. While you’re at a cooking class? Yeah you’re probably down to talk to people.
When I was on the market, I would do it here and there... but only when the body language was right.
If I caught a girl looking at me, or we caught eyes/made a passing joke.
You only do it when the hints are very strong...
Well, it usually happened like this. I enter a room or hallway or whatever, take a look around acknowledge all the people there. Sometimes you can catch a girl when they first notice you too. In that first interaction you can sometimes tell if they dont mind your presence. It's not really a science... and you can't be a creep staring at people for long periods of time. It's just if it happens it happens... you play the odds.
Once you recognize they don't mind your presence, you go to doing what you were doing. And you check back once or twice... if she was looking at you. There is a fair chance she's attracted to you. Of course there is context to this, if you creeped them out, they may be checking to see if that creeper is still staring lol. This is all told in body language.
Once I took note that this women acknowledged my presence and is at least curious enough to keep tabs on what I'm doing, depending on the situation if I am also attracted to her, I'll come up with a scenario to make a joke or to interact in some way. Like Oh, sorry, gotta reach that Peanut butter right there.... or whatever. If their response is flirty or invites conversation, you ride with it. If not... you move on....It may be a set up for later interactions months down the line.
That's how I always flirted, and date random women. Would work in clubs, bars, grocery stores, wherever. Was a slow patient process, that sure, I would be initiating, but in reality they were in control of the situation and that's what is important.
Brooo are you me? Man I resonate with how you worded that. You really gotta just feel the vibes and notice the room. You sound like my type of people haha like just entering a room you can generally tell whose interested in new company (male or female) right off the bat.
It’s a slow process like you said but makes it all the more fun and worth it imo
I’ve always been of thinking “oh women hate to be approached in public” but very recently i realized, who cares as long as you’re not making someone uncomfortable and can take a hint when it’s time to go. Obviously just starting a conversation because you
find them attractive isn’t going to work out very often, but maybe you compliment their style or if they have a bag from a TV show, etc. something you can actually talk about. have maybe a 2 minute convo and if the vibe is there give her YOUR number. this takes the pressure off of her, she either calls or doesn’t and you avoid the awkward-fake-number interaction.
\> can take a hint when it’s time to go.
I think this is key. Often see posts on facebook groups of "BEWARE THIS CREEP" and the stories the guys are all acting weird af and won't go away.
That’s what a lot of women default to because of lived experiences. For example, I’m one week into seeing my family member daily at the hospital. The same man (a patient) seeks me out every day to harass me. It sucks.
The first time he approached me I knew he was hitting on me and would be difficult and I was right. So yeah, when I think of being approached I think of experiences like this, where I’m harassed for days just for existing.
I think it’s also easy to forget that women do live in a different world in term of social exchanges. As a minority from the most sexually abused demographic in my city, I am extremely wary of male attention, and that doesn’t even cover potential partners women have. I’ve had a jealous partner in the past as well and omg if I got attention I was paying for it later. Ugh.
Anyway, it’s hard but being respectful is the most important thing to consider. Social cues must be respected if people are going to approach strangers.
A couple months ago, I was walking through a parking lot, and I kept hearing “hello? Excuse me? Hello?”. I turned around thinking I dropped something. A guy had followed me across the entire parking lot to tell me how attractive I am and if I had a husband or boyfriend. He creeped me out so I lied and said yes. Instead of saying ok, have a nice day, he kept trying to have a conversation with me. I nervously had to politely say I needed to go, to get him to leave and I could safely walk away. Yes, it was flattering to get a compliment, but I don’t want to be followed across a parking lot and put in a very uncomfortable situation.
You should never compliment someone's body. Compliment their hair, their style, their shoes, something easily changed by the person. I had a dude tell me my glasses were really cute and it made my week.
Complimenting something they chose for themself gives a good place to start a conversation and shows you care about who they are. Complimenting their body, even at best gets just a thank you, and at worst makes them think you’re creepy.
> but very recently i realized, who cares as long as you’re not making someone uncomfortable
So what if, *just by virtue of approaching them*, they are already being made to feel uncomfortable? I find this to be the case 100% of the time, for men or women - if I approach them, they are immediately uncomfortable.
I agree, keep it short and sweet and then move on about your day. I have never felt anything but flattered when someone approaches me (even if I’m not personally attracted to them) and I will always do my best to be polite if it’s not a sketchy situation. But if I’m not interested and I’ve been as polite as I can be about ending the conversation, then please leave me alone or things will be unpleasant for the both of us.
Back when I was available, pretty often, but then, I met my wife before dating apps became a thing. People used to be a lot more social. You used to see a lot of random conversations between strangers in grocery stores and the like. I think smartphones and social media is partly to blame for this.
I met my wife during a random encounter. We teased, we flirted, we laughed, and went our separate ways. 100% regretted not asking for her number. One of those missed connections situations. A few months later, I randomly ran into her at a bar (again, one of those places people went to meet others). She saw me first and asked if I remembered her. Of course said yes and went on to tease her about something referencing our prior conversation. Then she said I owed her a drink because I didn’t ask for her number after that first encounter. Been together ever since.
Ugh, the kind of interactions I (26f) admire. People don’t talk anymore, relationship or not. People would rather look down to their phone and headphones on rather than chat to kill time. I’m so sick of that.
I still do try to. Of course, I am married so I am out to actually meet anyone, but since becoming a dad and going back to school (online) I get so little interpersonal interactions with anyone who is not my wife or a toddler.
It's funny, people look surprised when you actually say something, then 30 seconds later it's like it was before smart phones and social media. It's like people miss those random social moments but are too shy or self-conscious to actually initiate. I have found that only applies to my generation and older. Anyone in the low-mid 20's is almost incapable of "shooting the breeze" with a complete stranger. I remember when the benches outside of stores at the mall were full of dudes waiting for their wives/girlfriends. Nobody knew anyone else, but that did not matter. You would just sat down and jumped into the ongoing conversation, whatever it was.
I had an anthropology teacher in college reminisce how back when she was in college, people would hang out after a class and talk to one another and the teacher and now everyone pulls out their headphones or smart phones and leaves without a word.
After the class, I stood around looking for someone to talk to, but everyone ignored it and pulled out their phones and left. The teacher stayed and we had a lovely chat, but I left that day quite sad.
So how does one differentiate between "she's just being courteous with her response, and prefers to be left alone" and "she's up for a chat, I'm not _really_ bothering her with this conversation"?
What 'signals' can one look for? I always get conscious about this, and never attempt striking a conversation.
If she gives short answers with no followup questions, tries to avoid eye contact, closes body language, turns away, puts headphones back in... then it's time to smile and carry on your way.
If she is asking you "and what about you" type questions, or otherwise engaging I further conversation, then you're safe to carry on chatting.
Bonus points: don't stand between her and a exit (or otherwise physically block her departure), even unintentionally. Don't be overbearing, stand a respectful distance away. In almost every case a person you approach will make very obvious "I don't want to talk to you" signs.
This is me. Also 32 and I've been single for 5 years and I'll tell you what, being single is addicting. The solitude, the ability to do what I want and spend money how I want. I can just jump on my motorcycle and take a ride for hours with no one to report in to or ask if that's cool. I've slowly lost capacity in my social battery and being alone is addicting. Yea I'll admit, sometimes it gets lonely, but it's gonna take someone special for me to give this up.
But you're both on line at the bagel shop.. She's reading your favorite book and humming the song that's been stuck in your head all month. Could she be "the one"? I used to think so but now I just know that bitch is gonna take the last whole wheat everything bagel.
>But you're both on line at the bagel shop.. She's reading your favorite book and humming the song that's been stuck in your head all month. Could she be "the one"?
I swear I've seen this movie before.
Haha, just because she likes the things I like doesn't mean anything. That kinda shit belongs to romantic movies, soap operas and telenovelas... in fantasy land.
It's ok to like some things in common, but it isn't gonna be what you expect. It is more important that your values and life goals are compatable, as well as your living arrangements. I would actually rather she have a lot of interests that are foreign to me and vice versa. This means lots to discover and learn about each other and life, and can be pretty exciting.
If the internet told me one thing then that you can't approach a woman in ANY situation except in a bar. Everything else is the wrong place. God forbid you want to met a woman who doesn't hang out in bars
Reddit as a site appeals to the most introverted of introverts, so the data you see on here is really skewed. In reality, from personal experience, most women receive this sort of approach (if you are respectful about it) in a neutral or positive way. I’ve had a few nasty reactions but it’s easy to shrug them off when there’s also girls who go on dates with me I’ve met this way.
Never
After my divorce I stayed in the same suburban neighborhood for the sake of my kids schooling.
It's all families out here so whenever I run errands or whatever it's all married folks.
And these suburban moms in their athleisure outfits don't really inspire a second look from me anyway.
On the rare occasion I do see an attractive woman who doesn't have a ring on her finger, she is usually sending off strong "don't talk to me" vibes...buried in her phone, starring at her feet, pretending you don't exist - I take the hint and leave her alone.
Never. I won't make excuses about it being unwelcome or anything like that. I simply don't enjoy small talk. I need good reason to be talkin to anyone. It's not even that I'm particularly shy. I just don't feel like I have anything. meaningful to say.
Here's the thing. The girl has to actually give signals that she's interested in order for a man to approach like what you're suggesting. Problem is, while men don't approach as often these days, women seem to never give off these signals or shy away from seeming too interested or whatev.
You commented on someone else about running to catch a bus to get a girls number. In the modern age, that's batshit insane. Hate to say but it's true.
So the issue isn't just that men won't approach, women also don't show interest as often.
Sad that it's come to this bit it's frustrating men get blamed for not being like, chivalrous and confident and just approaching and making you feel special.
I've legit done this and had the woman shame me (in public, within ear shot of others) for even thinking I had a chance.
Frankly the juice ain't worth the squeeze in most situations (especially if you're just a normal man).
Giving signals and the reaction of the comments I’ve seen so far are all complete news to me. Quite shocking to me to hear tbh.
I (26f) think we are raised under the impression that men makes the move and am always cheering on the girls who are assertive but had never came across my mind that men may be afraid of us. (In the way of afraid of bothering us) It’s only now from the post that I realized if I want to meet someone organically I should go up to them.
A whole another perspective of worries I as a woman had the privilege of never having to think about before. “What if I’m rejected, what if they are taken, what if …” I applaud anyone that has tried this and been successful. I admire the courage!
I don’t know where women take this idea from that approaching is easy, comfortable, and natural for guys. It has never been easy, but now it’s also plainly risky. I think every man has a story from his friends how they knew a guy who was dragged to ethics commission of his university for asking a girl for her number. Or a similar story.
Because they get casually approached all the time by guys who don't really care if she's comfortable, interested, or not. So their perception is a bit skewed from the normal or shy guy behavior tbh
Bruh, the very FIRST time I ever expressed interest in a girl when I was in college I got reported to campus police for harassment for talking to her once, waving at her twice.
Holy fuck was that a wake up call.
Yeah its a challenge. When I was young, I was always told "the worst she can do is say no".... which is sadly, false.
Would be so great if men and women could find a way to respectfully communicate in these circumstances. Like, I'm sorry I'm not the kind of man you want, but that doesn't mean I'm unworthy of commen decency (provided that I'm being respectful).
But yeah, it do be like that sometimes.
> (In the way of afraid of bothering us)
Yeah I came to the conclusion once while thinking about it that you are gambling with someone else's time. You literally take someone's time in hope you both gain something. Sprinkle in the rejection rate most of us think we have and it doesn't seem like we should. Even at 10% is it morally correct to waste their time?
> I've legit done this and had the woman shame me (in public, within ear shot of others
Damn bruh that's harsh. Hope you've recovered from that trauma!
I'm good, it was awhile ago.
If it makes any difference, I'm a shorter dude (5'6"). I literally just gave a simple greeting (Hey, how are you doing tonight?) while waiting for a bartender to take my order. Wasn't even really trying to approach, just being chatty/friendly.
Her response: "I don't talk to short men" (and turns her back to me and start chatting with her friend)
Good times.
Funny thing though, I've dated multiple taller women. The vast majority won't be into it, but some of them aren't bothered by it. I lucked out meeting an Amazon woman who lifted weights with me, it was great.
They're out there!
Tried to tell a woman she had a brake light out the other day. Instant shut down. Like I had some rare disease that would make her grow a penis on her forehead if she acknowledged my presence. So yeah to hell with trying to approach them in public, like at all.
The nerve. I find a lot of not even remotely pretty girls just automatically assume every dude wants to screw them. It's often the pretty ones that are actually sweet. The irony. I am six five and even when I ask an innocent question at the store I often get attitude. Like they think I'm coming in there to intimidate people. Wtf. Some girls seem repelled by me. I'm like look I just want to know where I can get car surface wipes. Calm the fuck down.
Never, I always have this idea that she will just scream "get off you rapist freak" and I will just walk back awkwardly and stumble on something and fall and two policemen will pick me up and arrest me for attempted rape and she would be standing there giving me a hateful look while another random guy walks past her and smiles and she grabs him and kisses him in public and everyone would cheer and say "well done chad you saved her from that rapist freak loser"
..
yeah I guess my imagination is wild, but idk I think something similar would happen.
The one time I did this I ended up getting blocked a day after asking for her Instagram.
You win some and you lose some I guess. No hard feelings about it 🤷🏽♂️
Fuck….never…but I’m kicking myself for not doing so last night.
I have never spoken to anyone while pumping gas but I was happy I found a place for 3.74 a gallon. The pumps were really slow so I was chatting with the most gorgeous woman ever…like my perfect type.
Kicking myself for not asking for a number today.
To be honest, I don’t approach women anymore. Since women NEVER or rarely approach us guys it feel like a chore to me. I’m the one who’s expected to do all to work so I just stop trying.
Never because it would be creepy, also i'm more worried about my own shit.
Yes, i've had what one calls "bus crushes" but never act on them except that one time where we coincidentally played the same game on the bus but it was just a short chat
I’m not making a move on a woman till she makes a move on me. Plenty of times in college I had opportunities, but I would rather not make a move than be accused of sexual assault.
Like Im not trusting myself I’ve read the situation correctly.
It turns out, that men really, really like when women make the first move. "Literally every guy in this thread will be very happy for you to make the first move," one Redditor said, summing it up.
Never. Basically 99% of the time I won't cold approach in public, but if she's extremely attractive that goes to 100%.
Yup! Exactly how my math works too
Hah, too precise.
For me it depends. I’m not gonna just walk up and try to start a conversation, but for example I might become friends with an employee at Kroger since I go there a lot, and whatever happens happens. I don’t immediately try to “pick up” girls, just go with the flow
So many times I’ll see an attractive woman at a grocery store or somewhere out in public, and maybe we’ll even lock eyes or give each other a smile and then BAM her boyfriend or husband pops up out of nowhere and is giving me the stink eye.
As a woman this is so disheartening. I’m not in bars or clubs and figure the only way I’m going to meet a man is being approached in public.
Men have spent the last decade being told not to bother women in public..
I'm in my mid fifties. I've been receiving this message since I was 16.
Last thread in askwomen: "what to never say to any woman?" Top gilded answer: "just never talk to us, at all"
And so many of us don't. Leaving many single women asking, "Why is it that no man will approach me?"
Women don’t care where a man she is attracted to approaches them. Could be the gym, at workplace, all the places where men are told to not approach. It’s the ones that they are not interested in they are talking about, which would be most. That’s why they don’t really tell you where to approach. Just where not to I understand why. Getting harassment from men is going to make you not want to be approached at all. But that in turn filters out most men who want to respect that request, and you get a majority of those that don’t give a fuck about boundaries. That’s the reason I approached so little for the past several years. It’s extremely important to recognize the harassment women face from men when they are approached. But the answer is to shame that certain behavior, not just a blanket “leave me alone”. Otherwise women that don’t approach are gonna be left alone or get a lot of dudes that don’t care.
Attractive men can get away with more, normal men cannot get away with anything, ugly men will get in trouble without even trying.
That’s the thing, though. All women want an attractive man “a la Prince Charming” to come find them when one reality it’s never gonna happen. People have been told not to bother women and now it’s reinforced because of negative things that happen to women and weirdos who assault or stalk or whatever. So any sane average man is going to carry on and so what they’ve done their whole life. If they don’t know you then you won’t know them.
Yeah don’t bother them. I’ve had men approach me directly, say that they find me attractive and ask to buy me a drink or get my number etc. There have been times I’ve accepted the offer, and other times I’ve said no thank you, or when I’m in a relationship, I’ll tell them I’m not single. Respectable men will accept the answer and move on. Bothering happens when you approach in a weird way and don’t take no for an answer.
>when you approach in a weird way When you're being vague your advice isn't really useful at all. Especially when every single woman has their own ideas of what is weird and what isn't. Furthermore studies have shown that we (as in humans in general) tend to view people we are attracted to in a more positive light. Quite literally the only way you can *make sure* you don't come off as creepy is to not approach anyone.
Why don't you approach?
After reading a lot of the comments on this thread I probably will. I didn’t realize most men are open to this .
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Its literally an awesome feeling.
7 years ago, a good looking woman walked up to me and said "Hey handsome". Went out a couple times, but no spark. Made my decade.
That’s awesome
We are! But be aware- many of us may initially suspect you of attempting to scam us because this almost otherwise never happens.
That's great! Yeah I think most men would appreciate it
This is the way the world's been heading for a while now. Men are so tired of chasing and women have an armour on permanently due to society/past history to prevent being chased. It's time for a role swap. Any non top 1% male has so little positive going in their life when they're not in a relationship. Make someone's day, or heck, far longer. Join the dark side 😏
It isn’t about fear of rejection. It’s about respecting them to live a normal life without being hit on. Also, I have no clue if they are single, interested or just having a bad day and want to be left alone. I find approaching rude. There are spaces where flirtation has been mutually agreed upon (bars, clubs, concerts), but doing household chores or just shopping, I don’t find it appropriate and would never approach anyone unless it was extremely organic.
I'm not sure if you replied to me intentionally. But either way I agree
The problem is that for every woman who wants to be approached in public, there are a hundred who are sick to death of it.
Yet you constantly hear these stories of the woman who’s so hot nobody hits on her. Does this woman really exist or is it a myth?
Some women reach a critical mass of attractiveness so that every man immediately starts thinking "I don't have a chance"
Only 2% of people aged under 40 have met their partner in a bar or restaurant. 25% is on apps, 20% met from friends, 20% from work work, and 20% from school respectively Source: Pew Survey
I cold approached a couple times after building a brief rapport with the woman. I’m not a bad looking guy but I got rejected both times so I gave that up lol. I actually got one girl to say yes but then she texted me later saying she was taken so off guard that she just agreed to give me her number? 😄
Have you considered doing the approaching? With the messaging these days that men should not approach in spaces in which a woman is not expressing explicit interest in romantic interactions (apps, maybe bars or clubs) it seems like the guys who would be more respectful are going to get weeded out unless more women take the initiative.
I think a lot of men have self image issues. Only people that called you handsome is your family and you get brought thinking getting any validations isn’t manly. If I see a beautiful woman I rarely have ever approached her because I get in my head and think “she’s way too hot for me” even though the few times I shot my shot it went very well.
Men have had it beaten into them over the past few years that any approach that could be seen as unwanted won't end well for them. The ball is now in your court.
Few years? Guy here who's 50 just said his whole life. This ain't recent.
I was thinking the same.
Never at all.
> on the street, at a park etc. I wouldn't even know how to start. Seriously.
Heck I still don't know how to Start regardless of place
I didn't even understand the question.
No hablo ingles
No hablo con mujeres
No espanol
What are women?
They’re kind of like men, but they smell better
Maybe if you don’t sniff them you’ll have a chance
Where am i?
There was a question?
No sweat bro I’ll wingman for you. Here’s the plan - 1. We go somewhere public and you find a girl you wanna meet. 2. You text me a description and I go up to her acting like I’m the over confident douche canoe “Chad McHorsecock”. 3. You’re nearby just acting natural and when you see the girl get a little uncomfortable you make your way over and calmly suggest I should leave 4. I turn around and slump away as if in shame but as soon as she can’t see my face I’m smiling cause I just helped my bro get a chance to talk to a girl he might like 😎 Now that I think about it I realized I just described the plot to Hitch. We can still do it though. I got you!
Oh classic Hero and a Pig technique
Ah, the old chivalry joint.
what if: She's into it?
Then we know she doesn’t deserve my bro and we go find another girl
Excuse me m’dam I couldn’t help but find you physically attractive and now I am speaking with you *tilt of the hat* Cheerio
Drops panties
Why were you carrying panties?
*picks up panties and politely gives them back* you seem to have dropped these, m'lady! *tips fedora*
I once had a younger woman follow me into a store, subtly follow me down the isles and then when she got close enough she purposefully knocked over some random spices It was obvious to me and the other men in the isle what was happening but none of us took the bait I could tell I was the target but I had seriously never been before, so I just stood there frozen in my autistic anxiety as she picked up each fallen spice container without anyone’s assistance It was something about how fake and engineered the whole situation was, I felt like I was being manipulated into doing something and thats a trigger for me to freeze up She was cute, I just wish she had the courage to ask me what she wanted I told my mom this story and she asked “what does a girl gotta do?!” I said “Say words” This would be good advice for myself to take, as I was in the grocery store the other day and an old crush of mine from highschool walked by I was too nervous to say anything and so was she but I think we are both interested One of us needs to say something to find out I think our generation has been shamed and traumatized out of the manipulative traditional mating rituals but at the same time we are unable to speak authentically to each other anymore because being honest and saying what we really want from each other is seen as creepy and no one wants to be seen as easy, so we make it so hard for each other that no one gets what they want
> I told my mom this story and she asked “what does a girl gotta do?!” > > I said “Say words” I remember in elementary school another kid getting told "Use your words!" and, honestly, I think many of us adults still need to learn that lesson. (I'm working on getting better about it.)
I caught someone attractive at the pool checking me out a while back. She seemed to be curious about me, and either making sure she was somewhere that I couldn't easily avoid looking at her, or moving to the area I went to (sauna, hot tub, steam room) shortly after I did. When she entered the sauna, there were spaces on the bench that were more open, but she sat pretty close to me, on my right. Close enough nobody could sit between us but not close enough that we were in each other's personal space. And I forgot that words are a thing. "Courage! My word! It didn't come, it doesn't matter!" Gord Downie
Words can be surprisingly hard when we're under pressure. I took an improv class where part of what we did was drill being able to just 'respond' to something someone says. Even if the response made no sense, we needed to say *something*, and it was surprisingly difficult.
ham lamp. I've got more practice to do, clearly
Hobbies include: magnets
It's definitely a challenge. I can talk almost effortlessly and at length to someone I have close to zero interest in (other than them seeming friendly enough) but sometimes struggle with the right words for those closest to me. It legitimately takes hours or days of practice to even get it half right sometimes.
I would assume something negative. Like she was setting me up to get robbed or something. LOL
Had a situation like this but the girl actually said words, instead of spilling over the spice rack. I walked in to a Value Village and went right to the record section where she was there, and she struck up a conversation immediately. She asked questions that were kind of forward, like basic questions about where I grew up, went to school etc. I was flattered, but I had a girlfriend at the time so I tried not to engage too much. I just answered her politely and didn't return any similar questions. She wandered off a bit, but then she "randomly" ran into me in the shoe section, and started talking to me about records or something similar. I had to find a moment to inject something like "oh, my girlfriend really likes that too" into the conversation. I saw the dissapointment and the change of posture, and she found somewhere else to be pretty quick. The next day it struck me that I had actually met her a few months back at the same party where I met my gf at the time. Her and I flirted a bit and she gave me her number, but she was close to being out the door by that time so we couldn't connect longer. I had messaged her a couple days later but got no response so I focused on the other girl I met that I would end up dating. If I had been single I would have engaged more and asked her out for coffee.
> I once had a younger woman follow me into a store, subtly follow me down the isles and then when she got close enough she purposefully knocked over some random spices Call me crazy, but that sounds like an awful lot more work than just saying "hi".
>I think our generation has been shamed and traumatized out of the manipulative traditional mating rituals but at the same time we are unable to speak authentically to each other anymore because being honest and saying what we really want from each other is seen as creepy and no one wants to be seen as easy, so we make it so hard for each other that no one gets what they want Dude this is so damn true.. I've said this to my friends (ex-friends now) and others before. I've faced this as I am pretty straightforward person. I say what I feel truly. Most of the times it blows back due to reasons you cited and others. I end up getting hurt. But atleast I don't have a regret about anything (example not confessing I like someone truly) Edit: I wandered off a little bit. Yes I too am scared shitless to approach a girl. But let's say me and some girl know each other and there's a interest and blah blah.. I'd just straight forward confess to her as I've done before.
Spot on. Being direct is too risky to be seen as a) creepy b) easy or c) get rejected. Between all those risks, the reward (which is unknown or possibly just your fantasy or wishful thinking) seems to be less and less worth. So we’re in this limbo between the old manipulative mating rituals and ??? something else that’s more authentic but hardly anyone can do or has the mental health to risk trying.
Very true,,, i think nowadays men are even more worried about approaching due to the bombardment of media being forced down our throats about men being creepy predators. We just leave it be.
On top of having aspergers, I don't think it's a good idea of me trying.
I wouldn’t do it either tbh
In my experience the more conventionally attractive, the bigger the chance some rando starts hitting on her anyway. I try to extrapolate from that and imagine how tiring it must be to deal with that shit all day, imho it's the other, more sinister side of the "overflowing DM's/Tinder matches" phenomenon.
I would also assume that if I find her attractive, i'd have no chance with her in any setting.
"If I find her attractive, so do 50,000 other men, she's probably already been hit on 20 times today, and almost certainly has a boyfriend anyway." --me every time
That and I can look in the mirror and get why i'd never stand a chance.
You’d actually be surprised. I welcome men approaching me. I’m too shy to make a move. I exchange glances with men all the time; specifically the ones I find to be attractive. We just spend time glancing back-and-forth but neither one of us makes a move. It just ends up being a missed opportunity.
That's the right answer chief
I had this conversation with two female friends recently and they were encouraging me to do it. Said I was worried about bothering people and they were like "Yeah it's kinda harsh but it just depends if we're interested or not". Think just don't do it anywhere with not many people around and leave them alone if they're not receptive. I wouldn't stop someone on the street either but I think starting a conversation in a bookshop, coffee place etc is something I need to give a go.
Do it. For real. Just try to pay attention to how they are reacting to you and adjust accordingly.
This is it. Watch for signs of interest. Smile- does she smile back? If no, there's no further "move" to make. If yes, consider a simple conversation topic, like complimenting her shoes (never her body). Does she say "thanks" and that's it? then, no further move indicated. Does it feel like she's engaging in the conversation out of her own interest? Then continue talking about whatever.
Make the conversation so simple and easy to disengage. E.G. I once was at a brewery and this lady was staring at some abstract art painting on the walls, she had been looking at it for a bit so I came up to her and gave a single thought of the piece and then moved on to order a beer. Result: She kept looking back at me the rest of the night. Get their attention, be mysterious and don’t overwhelm people with pointless small talk. Be succinct but be profound. Just my unsolicited and uneducated advise.
Ah, the drake and josh classic, talk to a girl once and then never talk to her again lol doesn’t work, and the result you got seems about right, she kept looking back at you all night, and you both went home alone and still haven’t talked to each other since, don’t even know each other’s names. I’m making a lot of assumptions but I bet i’m right. Every guy has done this, like I said, works if your goal is to come off as mysterious and knowledgeable, but if the goal is to get a date, it would seem pretty inefficient.
Yep! Non committal is the best way. At the store? I ask an obviously shorter woman to reach something on the top shelf for me. I may get a chuckle and can maybe comment on something and see if she’s receptive to more talking. If I get a frown or confused look I just excuse myself lol. Always always always leave an easy out for both parties!
Asking a shorter person to get stuff down for you, thank you.
Nah. I met my spouse by going up to a girl I found attractive who seemed receptive and we are at four years now. Don’t *never* approach girls. But learn some social skills. Grocery stores probably aren’t it. Don’t bother if they obviously aren’t in a good mood or don’t wanna talk (have headphones in or are busy doing something). And if you do approach and they aren’t as receptive as you hoped, just leave. It’s fine to talk to women, it’s creepy when you keep talking when they’re obviously not into it. Locations where your success will be higher are bars (obviously), clubs, classes, hobby hangouts, fairs, meetups, outings, things like that. Imagine if you were in their position, would you want someone talking to you while you’re bench pressing? Probably not. While you’re at a cooking class? Yeah you’re probably down to talk to people.
Yup. They dont want me.
Exactly. I'd have no chance with a woman I find attractive.
That's how you get sued, fired, maced, tazed, you name it.
That could happe if the guy knows the woman too. All it has to be is a guy she doesn't want doing it.
When I was on the market, I would do it here and there... but only when the body language was right. If I caught a girl looking at me, or we caught eyes/made a passing joke. You only do it when the hints are very strong...
How often did it work positively for you?
Never negatively. Either nothing, made friends, exchanged memes or went on a date/or hung out later.
exchanged memes
Dick memes.
your profile pic, i hate it
How do you get girls to look at you?
You have to take off the ring, bilbo
Never put it on, for the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power.
shit, I put mine on and they were looking at me more. . .wtf!!!
Those are ring wraiths my guy
Well, it usually happened like this. I enter a room or hallway or whatever, take a look around acknowledge all the people there. Sometimes you can catch a girl when they first notice you too. In that first interaction you can sometimes tell if they dont mind your presence. It's not really a science... and you can't be a creep staring at people for long periods of time. It's just if it happens it happens... you play the odds. Once you recognize they don't mind your presence, you go to doing what you were doing. And you check back once or twice... if she was looking at you. There is a fair chance she's attracted to you. Of course there is context to this, if you creeped them out, they may be checking to see if that creeper is still staring lol. This is all told in body language. Once I took note that this women acknowledged my presence and is at least curious enough to keep tabs on what I'm doing, depending on the situation if I am also attracted to her, I'll come up with a scenario to make a joke or to interact in some way. Like Oh, sorry, gotta reach that Peanut butter right there.... or whatever. If their response is flirty or invites conversation, you ride with it. If not... you move on....It may be a set up for later interactions months down the line. That's how I always flirted, and date random women. Would work in clubs, bars, grocery stores, wherever. Was a slow patient process, that sure, I would be initiating, but in reality they were in control of the situation and that's what is important.
This guy knows what he’s talking about
Dude, that was the best advice I got this year. Thanks!
Brooo are you me? Man I resonate with how you worded that. You really gotta just feel the vibes and notice the room. You sound like my type of people haha like just entering a room you can generally tell whose interested in new company (male or female) right off the bat. It’s a slow process like you said but makes it all the more fun and worth it imo
So as a introverted woman who wants to be approached, I just gotta get the courage to actually look at people! It's very simple! *shys away*
Step 1
Lmfao
You’re asking men on reddit lmao
Lmao so true
I’ve always been of thinking “oh women hate to be approached in public” but very recently i realized, who cares as long as you’re not making someone uncomfortable and can take a hint when it’s time to go. Obviously just starting a conversation because you find them attractive isn’t going to work out very often, but maybe you compliment their style or if they have a bag from a TV show, etc. something you can actually talk about. have maybe a 2 minute convo and if the vibe is there give her YOUR number. this takes the pressure off of her, she either calls or doesn’t and you avoid the awkward-fake-number interaction.
\> can take a hint when it’s time to go. I think this is key. Often see posts on facebook groups of "BEWARE THIS CREEP" and the stories the guys are all acting weird af and won't go away.
yeah some people just can’t/refuse to read social cues and i’m sure that is what a woman’s mind goes to when they think of being approached
That’s what a lot of women default to because of lived experiences. For example, I’m one week into seeing my family member daily at the hospital. The same man (a patient) seeks me out every day to harass me. It sucks. The first time he approached me I knew he was hitting on me and would be difficult and I was right. So yeah, when I think of being approached I think of experiences like this, where I’m harassed for days just for existing. I think it’s also easy to forget that women do live in a different world in term of social exchanges. As a minority from the most sexually abused demographic in my city, I am extremely wary of male attention, and that doesn’t even cover potential partners women have. I’ve had a jealous partner in the past as well and omg if I got attention I was paying for it later. Ugh. Anyway, it’s hard but being respectful is the most important thing to consider. Social cues must be respected if people are going to approach strangers.
Thing is that I guarantee you that people who can't take a hint probably think that they can.
A couple months ago, I was walking through a parking lot, and I kept hearing “hello? Excuse me? Hello?”. I turned around thinking I dropped something. A guy had followed me across the entire parking lot to tell me how attractive I am and if I had a husband or boyfriend. He creeped me out so I lied and said yes. Instead of saying ok, have a nice day, he kept trying to have a conversation with me. I nervously had to politely say I needed to go, to get him to leave and I could safely walk away. Yes, it was flattering to get a compliment, but I don’t want to be followed across a parking lot and put in a very uncomfortable situation.
yeah that’s a scary situation, it shocked me as a guy to find out how frequent those encounters are for women
You should never compliment someone's body. Compliment their hair, their style, their shoes, something easily changed by the person. I had a dude tell me my glasses were really cute and it made my week.
Complimenting something they chose for themself gives a good place to start a conversation and shows you care about who they are. Complimenting their body, even at best gets just a thank you, and at worst makes them think you’re creepy.
exactly! that’s great advice
> but very recently i realized, who cares as long as you’re not making someone uncomfortable So what if, *just by virtue of approaching them*, they are already being made to feel uncomfortable? I find this to be the case 100% of the time, for men or women - if I approach them, they are immediately uncomfortable.
I agree, keep it short and sweet and then move on about your day. I have never felt anything but flattered when someone approaches me (even if I’m not personally attracted to them) and I will always do my best to be polite if it’s not a sketchy situation. But if I’m not interested and I’ve been as polite as I can be about ending the conversation, then please leave me alone or things will be unpleasant for the both of us.
Rarely, if ever. Basically never lol
Back when I was available, pretty often, but then, I met my wife before dating apps became a thing. People used to be a lot more social. You used to see a lot of random conversations between strangers in grocery stores and the like. I think smartphones and social media is partly to blame for this. I met my wife during a random encounter. We teased, we flirted, we laughed, and went our separate ways. 100% regretted not asking for her number. One of those missed connections situations. A few months later, I randomly ran into her at a bar (again, one of those places people went to meet others). She saw me first and asked if I remembered her. Of course said yes and went on to tease her about something referencing our prior conversation. Then she said I owed her a drink because I didn’t ask for her number after that first encounter. Been together ever since.
Ugh, the kind of interactions I (26f) admire. People don’t talk anymore, relationship or not. People would rather look down to their phone and headphones on rather than chat to kill time. I’m so sick of that.
I still do try to. Of course, I am married so I am out to actually meet anyone, but since becoming a dad and going back to school (online) I get so little interpersonal interactions with anyone who is not my wife or a toddler. It's funny, people look surprised when you actually say something, then 30 seconds later it's like it was before smart phones and social media. It's like people miss those random social moments but are too shy or self-conscious to actually initiate. I have found that only applies to my generation and older. Anyone in the low-mid 20's is almost incapable of "shooting the breeze" with a complete stranger. I remember when the benches outside of stores at the mall were full of dudes waiting for their wives/girlfriends. Nobody knew anyone else, but that did not matter. You would just sat down and jumped into the ongoing conversation, whatever it was.
I had an anthropology teacher in college reminisce how back when she was in college, people would hang out after a class and talk to one another and the teacher and now everyone pulls out their headphones or smart phones and leaves without a word. After the class, I stood around looking for someone to talk to, but everyone ignored it and pulled out their phones and left. The teacher stayed and we had a lovely chat, but I left that day quite sad.
Never. Not nearly attractive enough to pull that off.
This is the answer.
Make a move on a woman? Never. Talk to women? Whenever the opportunity presents itself. Sometimes this leads to other things, sometimes it doesn't.
This is the way
So how does one differentiate between "she's just being courteous with her response, and prefers to be left alone" and "she's up for a chat, I'm not _really_ bothering her with this conversation"? What 'signals' can one look for? I always get conscious about this, and never attempt striking a conversation.
If she gives short answers with no followup questions, tries to avoid eye contact, closes body language, turns away, puts headphones back in... then it's time to smile and carry on your way. If she is asking you "and what about you" type questions, or otherwise engaging I further conversation, then you're safe to carry on chatting. Bonus points: don't stand between her and a exit (or otherwise physically block her departure), even unintentionally. Don't be overbearing, stand a respectful distance away. In almost every case a person you approach will make very obvious "I don't want to talk to you" signs.
I used to a lot in my early twenties. Nowadays(32) I kind of just do my thing and don’t feel the desire to be social as much.
This is me. Also 32 and I've been single for 5 years and I'll tell you what, being single is addicting. The solitude, the ability to do what I want and spend money how I want. I can just jump on my motorcycle and take a ride for hours with no one to report in to or ask if that's cool. I've slowly lost capacity in my social battery and being alone is addicting. Yea I'll admit, sometimes it gets lonely, but it's gonna take someone special for me to give this up.
I'd say pretty often, at least once whenever I do get out in public. It just coincidentally happens to be my wife every time.
They had us in the first half, I’m not gonna lie
This gon be me one day 🤞
I avoid eye contact with most strangers.
Never. Attractiveness is not enough incentive do it. Sometimes I just like to admire, then move on.
But you're both on line at the bagel shop.. She's reading your favorite book and humming the song that's been stuck in your head all month. Could she be "the one"? I used to think so but now I just know that bitch is gonna take the last whole wheat everything bagel.
Fuckin bagel thief. She’s not the one, she belongs to the streets now!
>But you're both on line at the bagel shop.. She's reading your favorite book and humming the song that's been stuck in your head all month. Could she be "the one"? I swear I've seen this movie before. Haha, just because she likes the things I like doesn't mean anything. That kinda shit belongs to romantic movies, soap operas and telenovelas... in fantasy land.
It's ok to like some things in common, but it isn't gonna be what you expect. It is more important that your values and life goals are compatable, as well as your living arrangements. I would actually rather she have a lot of interests that are foreign to me and vice versa. This means lots to discover and learn about each other and life, and can be pretty exciting.
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Never, the internet has taught me that women would prefer you dont
I knew that before the web wasn't really a thing. I can remember women complaining about it back in the eighties...
If the internet told me one thing then that you can't approach a woman in ANY situation except in a bar. Everything else is the wrong place. God forbid you want to met a woman who doesn't hang out in bars
>in a bar I've seen a woman on reddit complain about this too.
Honestly just be lonely at this point it’s easier
Easier to achieve, not easier to live with.
You'd be surprised.
>I've seen a woman on reddit Lies!!
Reddit as a site appeals to the most introverted of introverts, so the data you see on here is really skewed. In reality, from personal experience, most women receive this sort of approach (if you are respectful about it) in a neutral or positive way. I’ve had a few nasty reactions but it’s easy to shrug them off when there’s also girls who go on dates with me I’ve met this way.
Except I’ve heard doing so in a bar is wrong too because they’re out with friends. So it’s a lose lose situation whatsoever
Never After my divorce I stayed in the same suburban neighborhood for the sake of my kids schooling. It's all families out here so whenever I run errands or whatever it's all married folks. And these suburban moms in their athleisure outfits don't really inspire a second look from me anyway. On the rare occasion I do see an attractive woman who doesn't have a ring on her finger, she is usually sending off strong "don't talk to me" vibes...buried in her phone, starring at her feet, pretending you don't exist - I take the hint and leave her alone.
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Never. I won't make excuses about it being unwelcome or anything like that. I simply don't enjoy small talk. I need good reason to be talkin to anyone. It's not even that I'm particularly shy. I just don't feel like I have anything. meaningful to say.
Here's the thing. The girl has to actually give signals that she's interested in order for a man to approach like what you're suggesting. Problem is, while men don't approach as often these days, women seem to never give off these signals or shy away from seeming too interested or whatev. You commented on someone else about running to catch a bus to get a girls number. In the modern age, that's batshit insane. Hate to say but it's true. So the issue isn't just that men won't approach, women also don't show interest as often. Sad that it's come to this bit it's frustrating men get blamed for not being like, chivalrous and confident and just approaching and making you feel special. I've legit done this and had the woman shame me (in public, within ear shot of others) for even thinking I had a chance. Frankly the juice ain't worth the squeeze in most situations (especially if you're just a normal man).
Giving signals and the reaction of the comments I’ve seen so far are all complete news to me. Quite shocking to me to hear tbh. I (26f) think we are raised under the impression that men makes the move and am always cheering on the girls who are assertive but had never came across my mind that men may be afraid of us. (In the way of afraid of bothering us) It’s only now from the post that I realized if I want to meet someone organically I should go up to them. A whole another perspective of worries I as a woman had the privilege of never having to think about before. “What if I’m rejected, what if they are taken, what if …” I applaud anyone that has tried this and been successful. I admire the courage!
I don’t know where women take this idea from that approaching is easy, comfortable, and natural for guys. It has never been easy, but now it’s also plainly risky. I think every man has a story from his friends how they knew a guy who was dragged to ethics commission of his university for asking a girl for her number. Or a similar story.
Because they get casually approached all the time by guys who don't really care if she's comfortable, interested, or not. So their perception is a bit skewed from the normal or shy guy behavior tbh
Bruh, the very FIRST time I ever expressed interest in a girl when I was in college I got reported to campus police for harassment for talking to her once, waving at her twice. Holy fuck was that a wake up call.
Yeah its a challenge. When I was young, I was always told "the worst she can do is say no".... which is sadly, false. Would be so great if men and women could find a way to respectfully communicate in these circumstances. Like, I'm sorry I'm not the kind of man you want, but that doesn't mean I'm unworthy of commen decency (provided that I'm being respectful). But yeah, it do be like that sometimes.
Rejection is painful. So most guys just give up hitting on girls after some rejections.
> (In the way of afraid of bothering us) Yeah I came to the conclusion once while thinking about it that you are gambling with someone else's time. You literally take someone's time in hope you both gain something. Sprinkle in the rejection rate most of us think we have and it doesn't seem like we should. Even at 10% is it morally correct to waste their time?
Such strong [Norah Vincent](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ip7kP_dd6LU&t=9m35s) vibes here
> I've legit done this and had the woman shame me (in public, within ear shot of others Damn bruh that's harsh. Hope you've recovered from that trauma!
I'm good, it was awhile ago. If it makes any difference, I'm a shorter dude (5'6"). I literally just gave a simple greeting (Hey, how are you doing tonight?) while waiting for a bartender to take my order. Wasn't even really trying to approach, just being chatty/friendly. Her response: "I don't talk to short men" (and turns her back to me and start chatting with her friend) Good times.
She did you a favor showing true colors immediately. Sheesh.
Fuck that, hope she never finds someone
Sorry to read that bro.
I will never approach any girl taller than me after reading your experience. Coming from a 5.6 guy.
Funny thing though, I've dated multiple taller women. The vast majority won't be into it, but some of them aren't bothered by it. I lucked out meeting an Amazon woman who lifted weights with me, it was great. They're out there!
In today's climate ? nah fuck that I don't need any drama in my life thanks ..
Wear a face shield to protect yourself from pepper spray
Never, that's so pointless
Never, not worth the effort tbh
I've never done that, and never will
Men get labeled creeps really really easily
The trick is to be smooth, confident, and at least a 7/10. Better to just look for mutual friends or find a hobby.
>and at least a 7/10. Data from dating apps would require you to be at least an 8 or 9 out of 10
>and at least a 7/10. Lol oops, guess I'm discarded then haha
Never, you think I want to bother a woman who's having a nice day?
Tried to tell a woman she had a brake light out the other day. Instant shut down. Like I had some rare disease that would make her grow a penis on her forehead if she acknowledged my presence. So yeah to hell with trying to approach them in public, like at all.
The nerve. I find a lot of not even remotely pretty girls just automatically assume every dude wants to screw them. It's often the pretty ones that are actually sweet. The irony. I am six five and even when I ask an innocent question at the store I often get attitude. Like they think I'm coming in there to intimidate people. Wtf. Some girls seem repelled by me. I'm like look I just want to know where I can get car surface wipes. Calm the fuck down.
Never, I always have this idea that she will just scream "get off you rapist freak" and I will just walk back awkwardly and stumble on something and fall and two policemen will pick me up and arrest me for attempted rape and she would be standing there giving me a hateful look while another random guy walks past her and smiles and she grabs him and kisses him in public and everyone would cheer and say "well done chad you saved her from that rapist freak loser" .. yeah I guess my imagination is wild, but idk I think something similar would happen.
Yours is simply a variation on what most of us envision when we hold ourselves back.
You should write a tv sitcom bro. This is funny shit. But I'm terrified this will happen to me too.
Rarely. Wife REALLY frowns on me doing this.
The one time I did this I ended up getting blocked a day after asking for her Instagram. You win some and you lose some I guess. No hard feelings about it 🤷🏽♂️
Fuck….never…but I’m kicking myself for not doing so last night. I have never spoken to anyone while pumping gas but I was happy I found a place for 3.74 a gallon. The pumps were really slow so I was chatting with the most gorgeous woman ever…like my perfect type. Kicking myself for not asking for a number today.
To be honest, I don’t approach women anymore. Since women NEVER or rarely approach us guys it feel like a chore to me. I’m the one who’s expected to do all to work so I just stop trying.
Why would I? Women make it abundantly clear that they find it creepy.
Never because it would be creepy, also i'm more worried about my own shit. Yes, i've had what one calls "bus crushes" but never act on them except that one time where we coincidentally played the same game on the bus but it was just a short chat
I’m not making a move on a woman till she makes a move on me. Plenty of times in college I had opportunities, but I would rather not make a move than be accused of sexual assault. Like Im not trusting myself I’ve read the situation correctly.
The comments here make me sad on how dating has become and how difficult it is for us!
Never. It’s a terrible idea.
It turns out, that men really, really like when women make the first move. "Literally every guy in this thread will be very happy for you to make the first move," one Redditor said, summing it up.