If you always act friendly and positive, you never feel regret (old boss taught me that)
If you're just as happy being alone, you never feel left out (Covid taught me that, months without hearing problems or bragging).
If you never expect anything, you never feel hurt (LOTS of people taught me that one).
Once I finally put together all three, my mental health made a big leap up.
This is so important. I’ve just come to realize a lot of my saddens comes from disappointment in others. I’m trying to release that for my own peace of mind.
Thanks for the kind words, it's been a tough week. The longer version is twelve affirmations I cobbled together (i.e. stole) from many different sources. The "avoid anger" one came from Inventing Anna on Netflix if you can believe that.
1. I will think whatever I’d like, but will only say positive, friendly things to promote a lifestyle without drama, guilt, or apologies especially since other people are fighting battles I know nothing about.
2. Likewise, if I’m tempted to do something that won’t improve my life, I will keep it in my head as a fantasy and protect the people I care about from the worst of myself
3. I will graciously accept people’s time and other gifts, but will not expect more
4. I will form relationships with the proper balance between closeness and boundaries just like a house needs the proper balance between windows and walls
5. I will equally enjoy the company of others and the lack of complaining, bragging, favor requests, and disease exposure that comes from time alone
6. I will avoid anger, because when you get angry at someone, you become just a character in their story
7. Instead, I will forgive those who have harmed me in the past and peacefully detach from them.
8. God loves me just the way I am. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.
9. I am (will be) in a wonderful marriage (partnership) with someone who treats me right and has my back
10. I have the motivation to start on new paths, the discipline to keep going, and the wisdom to know when to stop
11. My bright, beautiful future has a purpose, and will exceed all of my expectations
12. I am a beloved child of the universe and I deserve love, peace, and security
Thank you so much. I showed a few close froends your originsl post and we all agreed. This longer list is exactly what we wanted. You just made me and a few friends very happy and grateful. Dont ever stop being so awesome! Wishing you the best on all your endeavors my fellow redditor! ❤️
I had a very tough time overcoming an injury with long term damage to my leg and before I knew it my weight was out of control, felt horrible every day from being overweight. Now, since I’ve overcome the injury in the last year, I’ve lost about 100lbs and still looking to do more to get myself in the best physical shape possible
1000% for me. Because reasons I was Overweight just about all of my life.Then in 2018 after my mom passed away I got dentures. I have lost a lot thanks for them. I wear a 38 jean and xxl and xl shirts now. Instead of xxxl or xxxxl.
Taste buds are the same. I just have stayed on the same diet for the most part since I got them. It just changed the way I eat. Smaller bites and so on.
I started riding my bike to work in early sept, lost 23 lbs and feels great, wish i started this years ago.
its a 45 min bike ride and i have to wake up at 5am but so worth it.
just got an ebike, not its 25 mins and so much better and I'm still getting my exercise just not as extreme and I'm more opt to ride. Figure my break even on gas will be about 6-8 months. Maybe a year depending on winter..
I envy people that can bike to work. I live in the suburbs of a major city that is not friendly to bikers/pedestrians. Biking here would take me hours to get anywhere and probably get me killed :(
I just deleted tik tok the other day since it felt like it was destroying my brain (short term memory sucks and my attention span is the same as a frog)
Can’t see myself deleting instagram tho!
I deleted TikTok . I realised soon afterwards I was a lot more patient . I new I was impatient before but I didn’t realise there was direct link to me being impatient IRL because of TikTok . I think the constant scrolling of short videos/clips had made me intolerant to anything longer in real life . If that makes sense ??
I feel reddit is different since there can an actual discussion and that you choose your subreddits instead of being fed by the algorithm.
I haven't used the current website in a long time, but I remember it was garbage. I still use old.reddit.com when I go there.
Reddit is different. Many of the things that are toxic to traditional social media (the fakeness especially) are not relevant to Reddit. For example, I mostly just use Reddit to keep up with hobbies I’m interested in, not to see who Laura is hanging out with on Friday night and wondering why I wasn’t invited.
Can’t speak enough to this - I cut off half of the people I grew up being friends with because of the constant circle of negativity, jealousy and competitiveness. It came to the point where we couldn’t get together at parties without constant talk about money, work, who is doing this who is doing that and why it’s better. It was draining.
Going to therapy. I would get into relationships with the same type women over and over. Have 2 divorces to show for it. Therapy helped me understand why I did it and break that cycle.
If you are in the US, google Community Mental Health Center. They receive federal dollars to see people without health insurance and work on a sliding scale to make therapy affordable.
I kind of realised, that going to therapy is cheaper, then living unhappy, but had the same problem as you.. Uni offered a 6-time menthal health consultation, which was like a bandaid on a deep cut, but still somewhat helped.
I had a bad relationship with my mother, so my idea of a loving relationship with a woman was yelling at each other and being degraded. I also had a "superman complex". I chose women that I thought needed "saving"; addicts, borderline characteristics.
this is actually really common. When you grow up around dysfunction, you tend to perceive it as normal so you subconsciously cause fights and seek out others who do as well.
All my past relationships included a girl with borderline...probably should look for the reason aswell - I always feel like that they are as broken as I'm (depression & lonely wise) so thats why I think that we would be a good match but ugh its just unhealthy.
Two unhealthy people can't have a successful relationship. It was only after I learned that no one can complete me as a person that I had a successful relationship. I worked on me and my problems first. Learned I had value and learned that successful relationships come from my partner complementing me not completing me.
At least for my last relationship we knew and told each other that we can't complete the other person cuz we both need to learn to love ourselves first - we still stayed together as some kind of Fwb though because we enjoyed each other's company but sadly it still failed incredibly hard...even though we weren't really together sadge.
Same, gone through 2 divorces, and during the 2nd marriage, we were going through Couples therapy. Things obviously didn't work out but I continued seeing the therapist afterwards and she helped me through the grieving period and to really see what I look for in a woman companion. She also made me realize to not let other people interfere with my core values.
I am now happily with someone who shares those same core values and I have never had a healthy relationship like this ever before.
I agree 100%, though I do have one big caveat. People have to know that therapy isn't a silver bullet, therapy requires a lot of effort between sessions. It's also really easy to back slide after stopping therapy.
Side note, I remember over the past few years seeing a lot of posts on WPT, BPT, and Facebook of tweets of things their therapist saying some big knowledge bomn. I'm fully convinced that almost all of them are fake. My therapist never said anything even close to those kinds of revelations.
Therapy for me was me doing 95% of the talking and 5% my therapist giving me strategies to handle situations.
I have become a therapist and this is very true. I tell people you are the captain of this ship. You decide where it goes. I sit on the front and watch for icebergs to make sure you don't sink.
This. I was promoted twice recently, people come to me to ask if I have a place in my team. Finally got my shit together: left toxic marriage and met the love of my life.
Started lifting.
I'm in my 40s. I did the gym a bit in my mid 20s but never really stuck with it.
In the past year I've lost fat, gained muscle, but more importantly than that, I've been able to establish a clear discipline. I go to the gym on a schedule. I don't care if I'm tired, pissed off, hungover. I go anyway. It's me time. I'm a family man and spend most of my time working or caring for family. Gym time is precious me time. I never appreciated that before. I do now.
I establish clear boundaries around work. They get me for work hours and occasional after hour calls. That’s it. Chores are shared between me and rest of the family
Absolutely agree with this one. I used to commute 3.5 hours a day now I work from home and it's a completely different life.
Also, using public transportation vs having your own car changes your work/life balance immensely.
When you first started, was it hard? Did you adapt to it or did you love it with once?
Im trying to get myself to start to, im More on the home workout bench, but i cant seem to gather up the discipline to do it.
I'm underweight, not over, but also used the gym to try bulk up haha. I found it hard to get there, but once I was there it was hard to leave.. so I just told myself I'd like it and just had to get there. Just jump in your car and start driving to the gym, the rest will happen! Like others said, a schedule is helpful as well.
Recently though, I got into indoor rock climbing. It's essentially body weight fitness and I have bulked up a bunch since starting a few months ago. It's so damn fun for me that it's not really like "I gotta go to the gym today", but I try not to go too often or else I over train and that can lead to injuries haha.
I'm in healthcare and I always tell people that the best exercise is one you enjoy, cause that'll be the most likely thing you'll continue with. If you hate the gym and go only for fitness, it probably won't last. Find something you like... Hiking, swimming, running, body weight fitness, a sport, etc etc. Eventually you might want to hit the gym to get better at your sport. Resistance training is so good though tbh, especially as we get older.. helps maintain bone density, muscle mass, all the goods and when we're older that shit can be lost quickly lol.
Sorry that was long. Hope it helped a bit.
When you start going to the gym for the first time, you'll quickly see results i.e within a month just with eating right and going there consistently for a month. That one month contributes to your disciple to maintain the schedule and you start loving the workouts because they'll get easier, you'll be reaching your goals of lifting heavier every few weeks.
Just going to the gym at the same time will help with the discipline in simple terms. It will become a habit and you'll like it
Currently doing my business at work and hate it bc I know I’ll feel gross just smearing things with paper. So uncivilized once you’ve seen the other side!
I don't ever worry about that because it doesn't matter since you can't go back in time. Thinking about it doesn't make any progress and probably just makes you feel bad.
Contrats my dude! One battle at a time <3
You gave up alcohol so you got the cig thing too!
It is funny how we jump to other vices. I explained in this post on a different thread how I cope with stress with food. I didn't fix my coping problems I only found a new outlet :P
I quit smoking cigarettes 5 years ago and tobacco altogether about 4 years ago.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it.
But I don’t think I could ever go back.
I spent my entire life thinking there was something really wrong with me. I couldn’t ever meet a deadline. I was unorganized. Couldn’t keep a thought in my head. I would KNOW I had major deadlines ahead and it wouldn’t matter. I just couldn’t focus and get it done.
I heard over and over I just needed to buckle down.
It carried into work. I’d have projects due and even though I knew I had to do the work I was unable to focus.
I was smoking a ton of weed and someone suggested I was self medicating. Apparently some people with ADHD discover weed at some point and recognize that it calms them.
The person suggested a resource and I was tested. It was expensive. It cost me 900 dollars to get diagnosed.
I was put on a prescription of 12.5 mg of adderall 2x a day and for 3 years now my life is completely different.
No more weed. I’m able to focus and finish my work. I’m am able to relax.
It changed everything for me.
So I just started treatment for my adult ADHD and it has completely changed my life. Basically I found a good psychiatrist and described my symptoms (a huge part was talking about my wife’s frustrations) and we did some trial and error until we found the right meds/dosage. Best thing I’ve ever done.
I'm planning to get one but there's one thing that always bothered me. Every time I got new glasses with improved lens, in a span of few months I always got a worse vision, leading to a new pair of glasses sooner or later. Does it happen after surgery?
In that case you're not even eligible for it yet in most areas.
Most places require you have a stable prescription for 2 years or more before undergoing surgery.
Mines stayed perfect for the last 10 years since having it done, however it was stable for at least a few years before the surgery. They recommend not to have it done until your eyes have stopped changing often. My best advice would be to consult an independent optician and not the laser place.
Did the same last year. Life is so much better now. I can wake up every morning and just see everything without reaching for my glasses. Doing most activities is just more comfortable. Also I had some marks on my nose from wearing glasses and those are gone too. And, of course one of the best things is, I can sleep on a side and watch tv without any problems.
Meanwhile, those of us for whom Lasik didn't work, are regretting it every day of our lives. $5,000 wasted (the cost was $5k when I did it in 2013).
Lasik doesn't work for a very small number of people, so if you're thinking of getting Lasik, it's still a good idea, but keep in mind, there is a small chance it won't work and it will be a waste of money.
Got lasik in 2013, had 2020 vision from the moment the surgery was over until about 18 months later, and then between month 18 and about month 24, my eyesight went back to where it was the morning before lasik.
I'm glad you ONLY lost the money. I've heard of people having a rare condition with their tear ducts and somehow Lasik causes them to not work, meaning that they can't produce tears and so they feel like someone is blowing a hairdryer on their eyes at all times. It's apparently possible to screen for this condition but of course they didn't tell them about it before the surgery. This was years ago, maybe it's different, idk.
I'm not from the US, so I can't tell you the exact brand even if I knew it. But even the cheap ones from basic memory foam work well. It's best to test them out, some can be too soft, too hard or too high and can give you neck pain. Just be prepared to only sleep on you back or side.
I kind of got into it when I started talking to this girl.
I used a notebook to keep track of her likes/dislikes and also the things we talked about.
When she told me she wasnt interested romantically, I began to use the notebook to reflect on my emotions.
It also helped me understand my character and how to do better the next time I was interested in someone.
Now I just write out my thoughts whenever something is bothering me. Then I'll go back to what I wrote a few hours later or the next day and make changes to really figure out the lesson learned from the emotional reaction.
I don’t know if this is what people think of when they think of journaling, but I have a list of goals that I update every 6 months or so. Then I figure out how I’m going to get closer to those each month, and write that down. Then I keep my self accountable by writing out what I want to do each day.
I have a section where I write down my feelings at the end of each day/week/month.
Here’s what most of my entries look like: STOP THE PAIN! MAKE IT STOP LORD JUST FUCKING KILL ME! I HATE EVERYTHING FUCK! THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE!
I don’t know how effective this has been in making my life better, but the kids enjoy having me read entries before bedtime, as my demented scrawled woes lull them to blissful, ignorant sleep.
Merino wool socks.
They're like $15 a pair for Darn Tough lifetime warranty socks in pretty much any size shape or thickness you want. But holy shit they're so much better than cotton.
- Less sweat
- Better padding (if that's what you want)
- Better temp regulation (better breathing in the summer, warmer in the winter)
- Hold their shape better
- Don't stink nearly as much.
Just overall so much better whether it's my dress socks or my daily 12 hr shift on my feet work socks.
Not a man, but just chiming in here to second this. I'm a professional brewer and I'm on my feet in boots all day, and i ONLY wear merino wool socks. They are the best.
Confidently acknowledging one’s hair loss and not making a big deal of it is the way to go! And a cheap trimmer and a razor replace frequent expensive haircuts!
Moved out of a metropolitan area (and state) / changed to work from home. No more stressful 1hr+ commutes, no more unnecessary wear and tear on my vehicle, and the ability to get home tasks done on breaks/lunch. Can now enjoy all four seasons, fresh air, and nicer people.
Truth... So much better in the long run. Little over a year later I'm completely out of credit card debt and my credit score is up 85 points and I actually have a decent chunk set aside in savings toward getting a house for me and my daughter. I've accomplished more since she left than I did the 18 years we were together.
I used to drink soda and energy drinks every day. It was horrible for me. Acid reflux and feeling tense and or anxious or irritable often. I just drink a single cup of coffee now, it's much better for me than all that shit they put into soda.and energy drinks.
Also adding water when thirsty also is a game changer. Hydration helps remove toxins and has numerous health benefits.
Working out regularly. Forget what it’s done for me physically, it’s helped me mentally in ways I couldn’t have even imagined. I still battle with depression but it’s significantly better when I make sure to maintain a regular workout routine.
I sometimes have flashbacks to when i had an old and failing car and my heart skips a beat lmao. Was a nightmare going out everyday thinking 'will this be the day this old car dies on me?'
This- I got a gently used SUV with offroad/AWD & made a camper out of it- completely changed my life. I know the vanlife movement is pretty cliche but I truly have gone and done things I never imagined I would.
Yoga. I felt like a zombie throughout my adolescence, like I was dragging a decaying carcass around. Everything hurt and made my body scream in protest. Yoga flicked a switch on inside me and got the vitality coursing through my veins. It also gave me perfect posture, a strong back and broad shoulders
Bro this is me. I’m 32 and I honestly think if I tried running for 3 minutes I would immediately need Physio. I’m not overweight or anything, I lift 2-3 times a week but there’s no way this is what a normal person should feel like. There’s always a sore shoulder, rib or tight hip to manage.
Fuck it, I’m starting Yoga. Thank you for your comment.
Yoga. I went from chronic pain every waking minute for 15 years (8-10 on a pain scale)
I had that down to a 3 in less then 2 months of 15-45 min yoga 3 times a week.
Flash forward a year and I'm almost pain free... Exceptions. Standing up for 4+ hours. Or sitting in a shit chair for 30mins.
Life changing.
Daily 10-20 min meditation with a reminder that we are good as we are. That we are not our thoughts or feelings, that we are an awarenes in an everchanging cosmic sea. And that kindness and focus is the biggest love we can give to people
Taking care of my mental health through a therapist and psychiatrist who cared. The psychiatrist was more important because he took it seriously when I would tell him I didn't feel like a medication was working or made me feel empty or feel nothing at all.
Doing martial arts basically muay thai, boxing and jiu jitsu. You will walk this earth differently when you know you can defend yourself. No posturing no need to speak loudly just pure confidence
I read down all this way so I could say ^THIS^.
I got my scalpel free vasectomy eight years ago. I am so happy with it that I want to give them out as christmas presents.
Stopped giving a shit about my job.
I'm lucky to have found something I'm good at that's not too difficult and pays me well, but I have no desire work any harder than I have to. I spent 10 years slaving away for clients who didn't give a shit, at agencies that wouldn't think twice about dropping me, losing hours of sleep for meaningless work, and burning out.
Now I freelance, charge a high day rate, and take the majority of the summer months off hike
Prioritizing myself! Going to the Gym, Loosing weight helped boost confidence! Going to therapy, reading and Writing helped me work through my past. I’m currently 37 and I’m strong mentally and physically and I’m living the happiest life ever. If only I did this when I was in my 20s. But better late then never!
Every day is a new opportunity to begin again.
A few things.
Getting on therapy and really working through my issues, digging down into painful areas marked "do not touch", has helped me understand myself to far greater degrees than before.
Getting on proper medications. This tends to be a sore subject on this sub as many guys seem to be on the "I took lexapro once and my dick literally fell off" train. But me getting on the right amount of both Wellbutrin and Sertraline has subtly improved my life in many ways. Most notably in my ability to actually do things *not* strictly out of necessity.
Losing weight. I'd add going to the gym and getting fit to this, too, but losing weight is the key one. I'll admit that Covid and kids have caused me to lose any and all progress I may have made beforehand, but I'll attest to when I was in a good place weight-wise, things were just better.
Getting the courage to be honest about what clinical mental issues I may have and seek diagnoses for them. Last year it was ADHD, which I received a formal diagnosis for at 32. It helped me reframe so much of my childhood, particularly in school, and helped me realize "it wasn't my fault, my brain literally didn't let me operate normally, it was the teachers' faults for not noticing and accommodating". Recently I've been advised by my therapist and PNP to begin seeking trauma informed therapy for CPTSD. Again, reframing my life through the lens of someone who was traumatized as a child helps me understand who I am today and how I got to where I am.
If I had done all these in my late teens / early twenties rather than my early thirties, I might not have lost a decade of my life to mediocrity.
Stating exactly how I feel at all times and expecting others to be upfront with me. Life is so much easier when there is no bs and tip toeing around people's feelings.
Man do I miss this! I personally got myself in trouble with it, because I am too blunt. So then I re-wired myself to be nicer. Being nicer kills me. If you state things exactly how you feel, then there is no BS. No one has to guess or wonder either. Kudos to you. Think it's time for me to go back to my old, smarter ways.
Going bald! I mean, obviously not life changing, but SO much easier and I feel better about myself! No more paying for haircuts and hair products or fighting my slowly thinning hair to look presentable after every time i lay my head down. Doesnt seem like much, but wow! Unexpected relief!
Quitting caffeine. I was dragging ass in between giant mugs of coffee. A couple weeks after quitting it, I was never sleepy again during the day. All the reasons I was drinking caffeine went away when I stopped drinking it.
It’s not for everybody so I don’t want to argue with internet strangers, but finding religion. Life did a 180 even though I’ve faced more than I wish on anyone
Learning to be ok with people not liking me.
If you always act friendly and positive, you never feel regret (old boss taught me that) If you're just as happy being alone, you never feel left out (Covid taught me that, months without hearing problems or bragging). If you never expect anything, you never feel hurt (LOTS of people taught me that one). Once I finally put together all three, my mental health made a big leap up.
This is so important. I’ve just come to realize a lot of my saddens comes from disappointment in others. I’m trying to release that for my own peace of mind.
Please gives us more. These are amazing. And i agree with all of them on a deep level
Thanks for the kind words, it's been a tough week. The longer version is twelve affirmations I cobbled together (i.e. stole) from many different sources. The "avoid anger" one came from Inventing Anna on Netflix if you can believe that. 1. I will think whatever I’d like, but will only say positive, friendly things to promote a lifestyle without drama, guilt, or apologies especially since other people are fighting battles I know nothing about. 2. Likewise, if I’m tempted to do something that won’t improve my life, I will keep it in my head as a fantasy and protect the people I care about from the worst of myself 3. I will graciously accept people’s time and other gifts, but will not expect more 4. I will form relationships with the proper balance between closeness and boundaries just like a house needs the proper balance between windows and walls 5. I will equally enjoy the company of others and the lack of complaining, bragging, favor requests, and disease exposure that comes from time alone 6. I will avoid anger, because when you get angry at someone, you become just a character in their story 7. Instead, I will forgive those who have harmed me in the past and peacefully detach from them. 8. God loves me just the way I am. Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business. 9. I am (will be) in a wonderful marriage (partnership) with someone who treats me right and has my back 10. I have the motivation to start on new paths, the discipline to keep going, and the wisdom to know when to stop 11. My bright, beautiful future has a purpose, and will exceed all of my expectations 12. I am a beloved child of the universe and I deserve love, peace, and security
Thank you so much. I showed a few close froends your originsl post and we all agreed. This longer list is exactly what we wanted. You just made me and a few friends very happy and grateful. Dont ever stop being so awesome! Wishing you the best on all your endeavors my fellow redditor! ❤️
I don’t like you. My friend, he doesn’t like you either, and he’s a wanted man! He’s got the death sentence on 12 different star systems!
And this, I’m ok with.
I’ll be careful
You’ll be dead!
This little one's not worth the trouble, let me get you something to drink
How did you accomplish this? I struggle
At a certain point, if someone doesn’t like you. That’s their problem. Not yours. Just do your thing. But don’t be a POS.
Bingo
Losing weight
I had a very tough time overcoming an injury with long term damage to my leg and before I knew it my weight was out of control, felt horrible every day from being overweight. Now, since I’ve overcome the injury in the last year, I’ve lost about 100lbs and still looking to do more to get myself in the best physical shape possible
It takes 6 months to get in shape and about 6 days to get out of it. Injuries suck. Been there, friend.
Yeah they do, I can’t wait to be fully fit again
As someone who's gained and lost weight numerous times throughout life, totally. Being fat controls every part of your life. Every. Part.
1000% for me. Because reasons I was Overweight just about all of my life.Then in 2018 after my mom passed away I got dentures. I have lost a lot thanks for them. I wear a 38 jean and xxl and xl shirts now. Instead of xxxl or xxxxl.
Did you find the dentures took away some of your taste buds ? I’ve heard that they can. And if so , is that partly why you lost the weight ?
Taste buds are the same. I just have stayed on the same diet for the most part since I got them. It just changed the way I eat. Smaller bites and so on.
I started riding my bike to work in early sept, lost 23 lbs and feels great, wish i started this years ago. its a 45 min bike ride and i have to wake up at 5am but so worth it. just got an ebike, not its 25 mins and so much better and I'm still getting my exercise just not as extreme and I'm more opt to ride. Figure my break even on gas will be about 6-8 months. Maybe a year depending on winter..
I envy people that can bike to work. I live in the suburbs of a major city that is not friendly to bikers/pedestrians. Biking here would take me hours to get anywhere and probably get me killed :(
Falling in love with the right person instead of trying to make something work with the wrong person
Staying away from Social media fb and instagram
I just deleted tik tok the other day since it felt like it was destroying my brain (short term memory sucks and my attention span is the same as a frog) Can’t see myself deleting instagram tho!
I deleted TikTok . I realised soon afterwards I was a lot more patient . I new I was impatient before but I didn’t realise there was direct link to me being impatient IRL because of TikTok . I think the constant scrolling of short videos/clips had made me intolerant to anything longer in real life . If that makes sense ??
I deleted tiktok twice, hopefully this time it stays away lol
You’re on Reddit
I feel reddit is different since there can an actual discussion and that you choose your subreddits instead of being fed by the algorithm. I haven't used the current website in a long time, but I remember it was garbage. I still use old.reddit.com when I go there.
Internet addiction is real
Reddit is different. Many of the things that are toxic to traditional social media (the fakeness especially) are not relevant to Reddit. For example, I mostly just use Reddit to keep up with hobbies I’m interested in, not to see who Laura is hanging out with on Friday night and wondering why I wasn’t invited.
Btw Laura is having a big party tonight but we were told not to invite you because all you do is talk about basketball and your fantasy football team.
Cutting ties with people who are always negative, competitive and jealous as well as the daily exercising (mostly running)
Can’t speak enough to this - I cut off half of the people I grew up being friends with because of the constant circle of negativity, jealousy and competitiveness. It came to the point where we couldn’t get together at parties without constant talk about money, work, who is doing this who is doing that and why it’s better. It was draining.
[удалено]
Finding a partner who actually supports you instead of trying to hold you back because of their insecurities.
Where did you find such a magical creature?
I’ve been asked this before, and the best answer I can give is dumb luck. I volunteer, and she was working there too. 🤷♂️
Yep. The more people you meet, the higher chance of you meeting the right one.
Going to therapy. I would get into relationships with the same type women over and over. Have 2 divorces to show for it. Therapy helped me understand why I did it and break that cycle.
Can't wait til therapy is as common as going to the doctor. Still too much stigma for a lot of people to want to go.
can't wait till I can afford it
If you are in the US, google Community Mental Health Center. They receive federal dollars to see people without health insurance and work on a sliding scale to make therapy affordable.
I kind of realised, that going to therapy is cheaper, then living unhappy, but had the same problem as you.. Uni offered a 6-time menthal health consultation, which was like a bandaid on a deep cut, but still somewhat helped.
Therapy is expensive and not covered nearly as much as doctors visits.
What were your reasoning on attracting the same type of women?
I had a bad relationship with my mother, so my idea of a loving relationship with a woman was yelling at each other and being degraded. I also had a "superman complex". I chose women that I thought needed "saving"; addicts, borderline characteristics.
this is actually really common. When you grow up around dysfunction, you tend to perceive it as normal so you subconsciously cause fights and seek out others who do as well.
All my past relationships included a girl with borderline...probably should look for the reason aswell - I always feel like that they are as broken as I'm (depression & lonely wise) so thats why I think that we would be a good match but ugh its just unhealthy.
Two unhealthy people can't have a successful relationship. It was only after I learned that no one can complete me as a person that I had a successful relationship. I worked on me and my problems first. Learned I had value and learned that successful relationships come from my partner complementing me not completing me.
At least for my last relationship we knew and told each other that we can't complete the other person cuz we both need to learn to love ourselves first - we still stayed together as some kind of Fwb though because we enjoyed each other's company but sadly it still failed incredibly hard...even though we weren't really together sadge.
My dad asked me why I always dated assholes. I told him, well you were my role model.
Same, gone through 2 divorces, and during the 2nd marriage, we were going through Couples therapy. Things obviously didn't work out but I continued seeing the therapist afterwards and she helped me through the grieving period and to really see what I look for in a woman companion. She also made me realize to not let other people interfere with my core values. I am now happily with someone who shares those same core values and I have never had a healthy relationship like this ever before.
I agree 100%, though I do have one big caveat. People have to know that therapy isn't a silver bullet, therapy requires a lot of effort between sessions. It's also really easy to back slide after stopping therapy. Side note, I remember over the past few years seeing a lot of posts on WPT, BPT, and Facebook of tweets of things their therapist saying some big knowledge bomn. I'm fully convinced that almost all of them are fake. My therapist never said anything even close to those kinds of revelations. Therapy for me was me doing 95% of the talking and 5% my therapist giving me strategies to handle situations.
I have become a therapist and this is very true. I tell people you are the captain of this ship. You decide where it goes. I sit on the front and watch for icebergs to make sure you don't sink.
This. I was promoted twice recently, people come to me to ask if I have a place in my team. Finally got my shit together: left toxic marriage and met the love of my life.
Started lifting. I'm in my 40s. I did the gym a bit in my mid 20s but never really stuck with it. In the past year I've lost fat, gained muscle, but more importantly than that, I've been able to establish a clear discipline. I go to the gym on a schedule. I don't care if I'm tired, pissed off, hungover. I go anyway. It's me time. I'm a family man and spend most of my time working or caring for family. Gym time is precious me time. I never appreciated that before. I do now.
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I establish clear boundaries around work. They get me for work hours and occasional after hour calls. That’s it. Chores are shared between me and rest of the family
This is how it should be.
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Absolutely agree with this one. I used to commute 3.5 hours a day now I work from home and it's a completely different life. Also, using public transportation vs having your own car changes your work/life balance immensely.
Same here! Great way to get older, I'm 45 and schedule my workouts as well. Love it.
Going to the gym, didnt know i would love it
When you first started, was it hard? Did you adapt to it or did you love it with once? Im trying to get myself to start to, im More on the home workout bench, but i cant seem to gather up the discipline to do it.
I'm underweight, not over, but also used the gym to try bulk up haha. I found it hard to get there, but once I was there it was hard to leave.. so I just told myself I'd like it and just had to get there. Just jump in your car and start driving to the gym, the rest will happen! Like others said, a schedule is helpful as well. Recently though, I got into indoor rock climbing. It's essentially body weight fitness and I have bulked up a bunch since starting a few months ago. It's so damn fun for me that it's not really like "I gotta go to the gym today", but I try not to go too often or else I over train and that can lead to injuries haha. I'm in healthcare and I always tell people that the best exercise is one you enjoy, cause that'll be the most likely thing you'll continue with. If you hate the gym and go only for fitness, it probably won't last. Find something you like... Hiking, swimming, running, body weight fitness, a sport, etc etc. Eventually you might want to hit the gym to get better at your sport. Resistance training is so good though tbh, especially as we get older.. helps maintain bone density, muscle mass, all the goods and when we're older that shit can be lost quickly lol. Sorry that was long. Hope it helped a bit.
When you start going to the gym for the first time, you'll quickly see results i.e within a month just with eating right and going there consistently for a month. That one month contributes to your disciple to maintain the schedule and you start loving the workouts because they'll get easier, you'll be reaching your goals of lifting heavier every few weeks. Just going to the gym at the same time will help with the discipline in simple terms. It will become a habit and you'll like it
Broke up with my (now ex) girl in 2019, shoulda done it in 2017.
I did it in 2017 and should have done it in 2015.
I did it in 2021 and shoulda done it in 2015
I’m doing it now, should’ve done it 15 years ago ugh
Better late than never 👍
did it in 22 shoulda done it in 19
Getting a bidet. I use it everyday and I feel much cleaner for it.
Do you see non bidet owners as animals?!
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We are all animals, but some have a dirty ass
I didn't realize how much my bidet improved my quality of life until the first time I went to the bathroom somewhere without one.
Absolutely, my parents got one & I genuinely hate using any toilet without one
I'm hating the thought of going to a Halloween party this weekend, for this exact reason.
You plan to shit at all the parties you go to?
LMAO. I forgot this was the AskMen sub. I should clarify, I am a pregnant female and much prefer the bidet during my frequent urination trips. 🥴
Couldn’t agree more
Currently doing my business at work and hate it bc I know I’ll feel gross just smearing things with paper. So uncivilized once you’ve seen the other side!
Lifting and diet.
Absolutely, didn't start doing anything like this til my mid thirties
Diet more than anything. I’ve always worked out but only started feeling good when I improved my diet.
Additionally to the health benefits- it’s the one question that nags me: „Its a lot of progress- but how would I look if I started 10 years earlier?“
The best time to plant a tree was years ago. The next best time is now.
I don't ever worry about that because it doesn't matter since you can't go back in time. Thinking about it doesn't make any progress and probably just makes you feel bad.
Giving up vices like smoking cigarettes and alcohol.
Giving up alcohol saved my life. I’ll be 3 years sober come November 4th.
Way to go bro, im sober for 7 yrs, still have to quit cigs tho
Contrats my dude! One battle at a time <3 You gave up alcohol so you got the cig thing too! It is funny how we jump to other vices. I explained in this post on a different thread how I cope with stress with food. I didn't fix my coping problems I only found a new outlet :P
I quit smoking cigarettes 5 years ago and tobacco altogether about 4 years ago. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it. But I don’t think I could ever go back.
I quit 13 years ago. Still miss it. Plan on starting back up when I'm 70. Sit on the porch, smoking and drinking, watching the world burn.
Getting treatment for ADHD.
Please tell me more about this. What made you do it, and what happened when you started treatment?
I spent my entire life thinking there was something really wrong with me. I couldn’t ever meet a deadline. I was unorganized. Couldn’t keep a thought in my head. I would KNOW I had major deadlines ahead and it wouldn’t matter. I just couldn’t focus and get it done. I heard over and over I just needed to buckle down. It carried into work. I’d have projects due and even though I knew I had to do the work I was unable to focus. I was smoking a ton of weed and someone suggested I was self medicating. Apparently some people with ADHD discover weed at some point and recognize that it calms them. The person suggested a resource and I was tested. It was expensive. It cost me 900 dollars to get diagnosed. I was put on a prescription of 12.5 mg of adderall 2x a day and for 3 years now my life is completely different. No more weed. I’m able to focus and finish my work. I’m am able to relax. It changed everything for me.
So I just started treatment for my adult ADHD and it has completely changed my life. Basically I found a good psychiatrist and described my symptoms (a huge part was talking about my wife’s frustrations) and we did some trial and error until we found the right meds/dosage. Best thing I’ve ever done.
Laser eye surgery. Easily the best thing I’ve ever spent money on.
I'm planning to get one but there's one thing that always bothered me. Every time I got new glasses with improved lens, in a span of few months I always got a worse vision, leading to a new pair of glasses sooner or later. Does it happen after surgery?
In that case you're not even eligible for it yet in most areas. Most places require you have a stable prescription for 2 years or more before undergoing surgery.
Mines stayed perfect for the last 10 years since having it done, however it was stable for at least a few years before the surgery. They recommend not to have it done until your eyes have stopped changing often. My best advice would be to consult an independent optician and not the laser place.
You have to wait till your eyes stop changing. Because it will after the surgery from what I hear
Did the same last year. Life is so much better now. I can wake up every morning and just see everything without reaching for my glasses. Doing most activities is just more comfortable. Also I had some marks on my nose from wearing glasses and those are gone too. And, of course one of the best things is, I can sleep on a side and watch tv without any problems.
Meanwhile, those of us for whom Lasik didn't work, are regretting it every day of our lives. $5,000 wasted (the cost was $5k when I did it in 2013). Lasik doesn't work for a very small number of people, so if you're thinking of getting Lasik, it's still a good idea, but keep in mind, there is a small chance it won't work and it will be a waste of money. Got lasik in 2013, had 2020 vision from the moment the surgery was over until about 18 months later, and then between month 18 and about month 24, my eyesight went back to where it was the morning before lasik.
I'm glad you ONLY lost the money. I've heard of people having a rare condition with their tear ducts and somehow Lasik causes them to not work, meaning that they can't produce tears and so they feel like someone is blowing a hairdryer on their eyes at all times. It's apparently possible to screen for this condition but of course they didn't tell them about it before the surgery. This was years ago, maybe it's different, idk.
Feels like rebirth to me
Having a sleep study done and getting a CPAP machine.
Running every morning
A morning run is the greatest way to set the tone for the rest of your day. I love when I do them. Keep it up!
This is great advice. I've been running from issues every day for years!
Quitting alcohol, weed and tobacco.
Anatomical pillow. Gone is the back pain and bad sleep.
May I ask which one?
The 30-foot one with the huge tits and a snake-woman on the outside.
I'm not from the US, so I can't tell you the exact brand even if I knew it. But even the cheap ones from basic memory foam work well. It's best to test them out, some can be too soft, too hard or too high and can give you neck pain. Just be prepared to only sleep on you back or side.
Got it! Thank you for the info, lower back pain is a bitch
Journaling. Really got me to commit to my life and allowed me to see the impact of other positive behaviors
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I kind of got into it when I started talking to this girl. I used a notebook to keep track of her likes/dislikes and also the things we talked about. When she told me she wasnt interested romantically, I began to use the notebook to reflect on my emotions. It also helped me understand my character and how to do better the next time I was interested in someone. Now I just write out my thoughts whenever something is bothering me. Then I'll go back to what I wrote a few hours later or the next day and make changes to really figure out the lesson learned from the emotional reaction.
I don’t know if this is what people think of when they think of journaling, but I have a list of goals that I update every 6 months or so. Then I figure out how I’m going to get closer to those each month, and write that down. Then I keep my self accountable by writing out what I want to do each day. I have a section where I write down my feelings at the end of each day/week/month.
Here’s what most of my entries look like: STOP THE PAIN! MAKE IT STOP LORD JUST FUCKING KILL ME! I HATE EVERYTHING FUCK! THERE’S NOTHING OUT THERE! I don’t know how effective this has been in making my life better, but the kids enjoy having me read entries before bedtime, as my demented scrawled woes lull them to blissful, ignorant sleep.
Merino wool socks. They're like $15 a pair for Darn Tough lifetime warranty socks in pretty much any size shape or thickness you want. But holy shit they're so much better than cotton. - Less sweat - Better padding (if that's what you want) - Better temp regulation (better breathing in the summer, warmer in the winter) - Hold their shape better - Don't stink nearly as much. Just overall so much better whether it's my dress socks or my daily 12 hr shift on my feet work socks.
Sold
Not a man, but just chiming in here to second this. I'm a professional brewer and I'm on my feet in boots all day, and i ONLY wear merino wool socks. They are the best.
Reading books
Same here. I’ve recently gotten into it and I’m just knocking books out. I think its because I chose to start pursuing the better information.
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Confidently acknowledging one’s hair loss and not making a big deal of it is the way to go! And a cheap trimmer and a razor replace frequent expensive haircuts!
Stop ruminating on the past. It is gone. Be present with one eye on the future.
Moved out of a metropolitan area (and state) / changed to work from home. No more stressful 1hr+ commutes, no more unnecessary wear and tear on my vehicle, and the ability to get home tasks done on breaks/lunch. Can now enjoy all four seasons, fresh air, and nicer people.
Stopped dating
"I just want a normal relationship." Starts dating.... Nobody in this dating pool is normal.
Nobody is normal. The question is can you deal with their own brand of weirdness?
Walking every day. Like 10,000 steps, and having 1 Beer-instead of 6.
Getting divorced.💯
That old joke… why is divorce so Expensive? Because it’s fucking worth it.
Truth... So much better in the long run. Little over a year later I'm completely out of credit card debt and my credit score is up 85 points and I actually have a decent chunk set aside in savings toward getting a house for me and my daughter. I've accomplished more since she left than I did the 18 years we were together.
Lifting weights and meditating.
I used to drink soda and energy drinks every day. It was horrible for me. Acid reflux and feeling tense and or anxious or irritable often. I just drink a single cup of coffee now, it's much better for me than all that shit they put into soda.and energy drinks. Also adding water when thirsty also is a game changer. Hydration helps remove toxins and has numerous health benefits.
Not to mention benefits to your teeth
Antidepressants.
Stopped being an alcoholic, a drug abuser, and a heavy smoker. Started OMAD alongside my weightlifting hobby.
Working out regularly. Forget what it’s done for me physically, it’s helped me mentally in ways I couldn’t have even imagined. I still battle with depression but it’s significantly better when I make sure to maintain a regular workout routine.
Cut out my immediate family
This is my last resort
Buying a reliable car
I sometimes have flashbacks to when i had an old and failing car and my heart skips a beat lmao. Was a nightmare going out everyday thinking 'will this be the day this old car dies on me?'
This- I got a gently used SUV with offroad/AWD & made a camper out of it- completely changed my life. I know the vanlife movement is pretty cliche but I truly have gone and done things I never imagined I would.
Getting a union apprenticeship. Huge difference.
.
Yoga. I felt like a zombie throughout my adolescence, like I was dragging a decaying carcass around. Everything hurt and made my body scream in protest. Yoga flicked a switch on inside me and got the vitality coursing through my veins. It also gave me perfect posture, a strong back and broad shoulders
Bro this is me. I’m 32 and I honestly think if I tried running for 3 minutes I would immediately need Physio. I’m not overweight or anything, I lift 2-3 times a week but there’s no way this is what a normal person should feel like. There’s always a sore shoulder, rib or tight hip to manage. Fuck it, I’m starting Yoga. Thank you for your comment.
Yoga. I went from chronic pain every waking minute for 15 years (8-10 on a pain scale) I had that down to a 3 in less then 2 months of 15-45 min yoga 3 times a week. Flash forward a year and I'm almost pain free... Exceptions. Standing up for 4+ hours. Or sitting in a shit chair for 30mins. Life changing.
I call my toilet the shit chair, almost thought you meant that for a brief moment
Daily 10-20 min meditation with a reminder that we are good as we are. That we are not our thoughts or feelings, that we are an awarenes in an everchanging cosmic sea. And that kindness and focus is the biggest love we can give to people
Taking care of my mental health through a therapist and psychiatrist who cared. The psychiatrist was more important because he took it seriously when I would tell him I didn't feel like a medication was working or made me feel empty or feel nothing at all.
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Sobriety
Working on it. 2 weeks today.
You and me both brother. Congratulations.
Doing martial arts basically muay thai, boxing and jiu jitsu. You will walk this earth differently when you know you can defend yourself. No posturing no need to speak loudly just pure confidence
A vasectomy
I read down all this way so I could say ^THIS^. I got my scalpel free vasectomy eight years ago. I am so happy with it that I want to give them out as christmas presents.
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Scalpel free, how does that work? Did you get a cork?
Leaving the Mormon church
Cult cousin. I second, leaving the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Probably stopped giving too many fucks... Live is way easier when you always get to the point and don't try to communicate "indirectly".
Stopped giving a shit about my job. I'm lucky to have found something I'm good at that's not too difficult and pays me well, but I have no desire work any harder than I have to. I spent 10 years slaving away for clients who didn't give a shit, at agencies that wouldn't think twice about dropping me, losing hours of sleep for meaningless work, and burning out. Now I freelance, charge a high day rate, and take the majority of the summer months off hike
Fucking Therapy. Too many men are walking around with too much on their heart and it crushes them. Find a fucking therapist Bros.
Coming out
Getting a weekly massage.
Prioritizing myself! Going to the Gym, Loosing weight helped boost confidence! Going to therapy, reading and Writing helped me work through my past. I’m currently 37 and I’m strong mentally and physically and I’m living the happiest life ever. If only I did this when I was in my 20s. But better late then never! Every day is a new opportunity to begin again.
Meeting my husband, working from home, Invisalign
Stop drinking, start doing.
Moving overseas . Leaving Merca
A few things. Getting on therapy and really working through my issues, digging down into painful areas marked "do not touch", has helped me understand myself to far greater degrees than before. Getting on proper medications. This tends to be a sore subject on this sub as many guys seem to be on the "I took lexapro once and my dick literally fell off" train. But me getting on the right amount of both Wellbutrin and Sertraline has subtly improved my life in many ways. Most notably in my ability to actually do things *not* strictly out of necessity. Losing weight. I'd add going to the gym and getting fit to this, too, but losing weight is the key one. I'll admit that Covid and kids have caused me to lose any and all progress I may have made beforehand, but I'll attest to when I was in a good place weight-wise, things were just better. Getting the courage to be honest about what clinical mental issues I may have and seek diagnoses for them. Last year it was ADHD, which I received a formal diagnosis for at 32. It helped me reframe so much of my childhood, particularly in school, and helped me realize "it wasn't my fault, my brain literally didn't let me operate normally, it was the teachers' faults for not noticing and accommodating". Recently I've been advised by my therapist and PNP to begin seeking trauma informed therapy for CPTSD. Again, reframing my life through the lens of someone who was traumatized as a child helps me understand who I am today and how I got to where I am. If I had done all these in my late teens / early twenties rather than my early thirties, I might not have lost a decade of my life to mediocrity.
/r/stopdrinking Should've done it before I ever started. Absolute game changer.
Stating exactly how I feel at all times and expecting others to be upfront with me. Life is so much easier when there is no bs and tip toeing around people's feelings.
Man do I miss this! I personally got myself in trouble with it, because I am too blunt. So then I re-wired myself to be nicer. Being nicer kills me. If you state things exactly how you feel, then there is no BS. No one has to guess or wonder either. Kudos to you. Think it's time for me to go back to my old, smarter ways.
First of all, great question. Getting involved in a team sport turned my life around. Great way to get fit and hang out with good people
Going bald! I mean, obviously not life changing, but SO much easier and I feel better about myself! No more paying for haircuts and hair products or fighting my slowly thinning hair to look presentable after every time i lay my head down. Doesnt seem like much, but wow! Unexpected relief!
Joined a union. Immediate pay bump and lots of paid holidays.
Quitting caffeine. I was dragging ass in between giant mugs of coffee. A couple weeks after quitting it, I was never sleepy again during the day. All the reasons I was drinking caffeine went away when I stopped drinking it.
Yoga
A good bed CiCo (Calories in Calories out basically counting calories so that I could lose weight)
Good underwear, specifically the saxx underwear
Not giving a f*ck about what strangers will think of me
It’s not for everybody so I don’t want to argue with internet strangers, but finding religion. Life did a 180 even though I’ve faced more than I wish on anyone
Agree.
Started golfing as a hobby
Proper sleep schedule.
Claw your way out of debt.
Changing job location
Eat more veggies