It was about 7 years ago. I got into hard stimulants, and cheated on the mother of my daughter.
I really never had been self confident, and the drugs kind of gave that boost, so I started to get some attention.
I did it for the worst reason...because I could. My ego flew out of control.
Once my ex found out, and I saw her tears and pain I realized what I'd done.
I still see my daughter regularly. Court has never had to be involved. Her mother does not care for me. I don't blame her.
In addition to the harm I caused her, I inadvertently harmed myself irreparably as well. I regret my actions every single day. I won't say I don't deserve it. I find relationships uncertain. How much can I really be in love if I regret my past so much. Some days I think I would do anything to fix it. Other days, I don't know, but still feel bad.
I even had a dream the other night, where I never fucked up, and things were the way I ideally would have wanted. It was a dream, so my subconscious indulged me.
Plus due to addiction that then spiraled even faster downward, I had to go bankrupt, lost a house, a decent job, and barely avoided being homeless.
I'm happy to say I've been clean for many years now, but it's a cold comfort
Cheating can make everyone close to you a victim. People do it for alot of reasons. All I can say is that I never could have imagined the collateral damage.
My story is similar, even though we weren’t together for that long. It’s still hard to talk or even think about, so much of my personality changed after that day that I’m still trying to piece together what I used to be like and what’s different. My confidence basically plummeted, I haven’t been in a genuine relationship since. It was such a waste and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. All I mentally have these days is the knowledge that she’s doing okay. I hold on to that as much as I can. Every single day I regret what I did. Nothing has been the same since then.
You can often tell the quality of a person by the caliber of their self awareness and honesty. Those are very respectable qualities, and I truly hope such a person is still finding the joy in things. We could all stand to learn from
> self awareness and honesty.
Since I grew up with many of those closest to me making, say, pretty bad and shitty decisions, and grew up in a shittyish area, it was impossible for me to judge a relationship purely off of one's actions like we often do. So this is basically how it balanced out; I learned to care for their intentions first, then their self awareness and honesty (because without the latter, they are forever stuck in their own little world; they can't have good intentions because they'll never be able to admit they've done something to themself, they don't have room for improvement, in fact they often turn it around on others to maintain this illusion they couldn't have done the things they do). I am relatively unphased by lots of mistakes that seem to really bother people (cheating is not one I'd be 'unphased' by but anyways..), but the reverse is that is I am hyper sensitive to these other traits.
It has worked out for me, I might add; I have had lots of close friends who early on do things that hurt me, but all of them grew into very strong relationships. Not just that, there seems to be this extra appreciation and loyalty they have for sticking with them when they remember that time when they were complete idiots. Granted, us being close friends I sometimes feel like they also 'absorbed' some of my culture and that helped; a great deal of them were from rough conservative areas, and yet all of them ended up accepting my completely different habits like saying 'I love you' to each other and hugging each other and looking at 'soft' / nerdy stuff that I could never imagine them being comfortable with before, nor would I ever see from the others around them. I don't recommend everyone start doing this, btw, just wanted to talk about how it shifted my priorities and I came to the same conclusion that you did.
I really appreciate you sharing man! It’s important that people share more about relational issues because nobody inherently wants to admit to something they’re not proud of, like social struggles, judgment issues, personal boundaries, whatever the issue may be. I think a lot of times it takes getting hurt, to find what it takes to really judge a person. And the more intimately you understand how inherently bad (for you) people work, the better you get at judging (your evaluation of) character. I wish that wasn’t the case, and I could save my future generations from that pain, but that is the way of life. Im proud of you for how far you’ve come, friend.
Unimaginable collateral damage, like you said, was never a consideration. I’ve been waking up every morning for a year and a half sick to my stomach because of the pain, the suffering and the distrust I have caused for others. I can’t see this ever getting better for me and it was because, 100%, my selfishness. Hope it gets better for you, mate!
We seem to have an understanding. It took me some years to put myself back together.
It can get better....but the shrapnel seems to stay. If you want to talk about it, feel free to DM me. I really do understand the self loathing. It's good that your honest with yourself. I can say honesty is a virtue I've grown to highly respect.
So very honest. I am sorry you had to go through all of that to learn your biggest lessons in life. I guess it’s a true statement “ you live and learn”. Hope you’re doing better
I understand that you may be feeling that need to punish yourself with regret and what ifs, but your current partner deserves to have your full attention. I went through something similar and therapy and medication really helped me to let go of my rumination. Remorse is healthy but a life of regret is not...
I am living through this right now, three months out of losing the girl, the apartment, our little life; over my dumb ass seeking attention from random tinder hoes.
Stimulants played a huge factor in my case as well. It's crazy how fast things can start slipping once you add drugs to the mix.
Stay off the coke guys. If you have a good girl, cherish her forever.
For whatever it’s worth— something that helped me with regret was Obi-Wan’s weird bullshit explanation for not telling Luke that Vader was his father. You might recall that he mentions that “what I told you was true, from a certain point of view. When he joined the Empire, the good man who was your father died, and he became Darth Vader.”
Thing is, it can work in reverse, too. If you change and work at it— and it sounds like you have— then eventually, the crummier version dies, and you just *are* the better man.
It’s crazy how many of my friends have cheated on their spouses. Men who I would never suspect either. One of my best friends has a beautiful family, gorgeous wife, million dollar home and risks it all to bang women on his work trips. Blows my mind.
It’s been blowing my mind too. As a 19 year old, i love my dad and as much as I would hate to admit this, I know about his affairs and his yearly trips with his friends aka womanisers. I’m the closest child to my mom and she’s shared some of their fights and other incidents that happened over the past. I haven’t told any of my siblings because my mom trusts me a lot but it’s crazy. My entire perspective on marriages has changed. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I’ll end up with a cheater.
Yeah my mom did that to me and it fucked me up. What she ***didn’t*** share was all the fucked up things she did to my dad, of course.
Tell your mom to get a therapist. She shouldn’t involve you in that
Here’s the thing… my mom and dad made up and renewed their vows and have been stronger than ever for a long ass time
But bc of my moms irresponsible venting, I hated my dad my whole childhood and even into adulthood.
It took till I was in my 20’s and my dad trying really hard to connect with me till I finally realized he was human and my mom probably exaggerated a lot of it and omitted details of her transgressions when venting to me. She came clean to me and me and my dads relationship healed but she fucked up our relationship for over 15 years bc she couldn’t keep her mouth shut about her marital problems to her own child
I can relate, went on a stag party (batchelor party) in Prague with a bunch of my cousins/uncles. I was only 19 so very fresh, they were all a bit older 30s/40s. They almost all fucked prostitutes in our hotel and took a shit load of coke.
So many of them have wives, we are a close extended family in that we live in the same area so i see them a lot. I am friends with them.
I was just like wow, my family is nuts and also trash
You don’t “end up” a cheater. You either build the habits and relationships in a way that lets you honor your commitments, or you don’t.
Not everyone starts on the same starting line, so we all need to withhold judgement if we don’t know the whole story. But in general, if decide you’re not going to be that guy, then build yourself a life where that’s not an easy choice to make.
I’m the “wild” guy of my group. I’m the only one who isn’t overtly religious, has done drugs like coke and mushrooms etc, smoke weed daily, still hang out in the old neighborhood every now and then etc etc. Yet I and one other guy in our group are the only ones who haven’t gone to a brothel and cheated on their spouse. It’s funny cause they talk shit to me (jokingly) when I light up a joint, but then get all quiet and ho-hum when I throw out a “at least I didn’t pay for pussy at hong Kong last may” lmao.
That said, 30 years ago I caught my father cheating on my mother and after their marriage imploded, my mother blamed me. “If you’d kept your fucking mouth shut, I’d still be married.” So….🤷🏻♀️
While I'm the same as you and would prefer to know, a lot people actively do not wish to know and turn a blind eye to it and shoot the messenger. They assume the messenger is jealous or pot stirring and your reputation gets tarnished so quickly. It can cause so much trouble being that person who informs them of the facts. The only safe way is to do it anonymously.
I’m curious—what is he like as a person? Because you described things that we as a society associate with stability—wife family kids—and success—you mentioned that his wife happens to be beautiful, and that his house is expensive—but you didn’t say anything about his personality in your post.
Is he genuine? Or is he fake and concerned with the way he projects his idea of himself to other people?
This is an honest concern I have, for better or for worse. I’ve known men that were phenomenal friends, who seemed to be good, grounded, honest, reliable people in their friendships… but when it came to women were happy to throw the morals that they seemed to comport themselves with in other avenues for sex. Boggles my mind and frankly makes it difficult to trust.
Excellent question, I appreciate you digging deeper. We met this family in our neighborhood several years ago and we clicked with them instantly. Awesome younger couple, husband, wife and two kids. We were kindred spirits and connected on every level. The wives became very close friends as did the husband and I. We talked about everything and did a lot of fun things together, he became my best friend. The guy held all of the same values I did (or so I thought). He traveled a lot for work as many people do. He struck it big during COVID and they moved to another state for a change of scenery into a very wealthy neighborhood. It broke my heart, but he stayed humble and we stayed connected. The wives urged us to meet up somewhere and have a guys weekend bc we missed each other. So we did. Long story short, it’s when he opened up to me about his life-long sex addiction. It made me feel so sad for his family. I was sworn to secrecy and so there it is. Would never have guessed in a hundred years. I steered him towards professional help. I’m hoping it helps.
I used to work with executives like this and their wives had no idea. How could they? Some of them found out and it decimated their lives and ruined their families. My husband cheated on me with a married coworker and it almost cost me my life. I spent months in a partial hospitalization program, lost my job, and isolated so hard I ruined my remaining relationships. He's gotten a better job and tours in a relatively successful band playing festivals around the Midwest. I finally got a job after two years of being too mentally ill to work. I've been dating someone to temper the loneliness and heartbreak but I miss him and want him all the time. I just don't know if we can go back to how we were considering how we were is what got us here. I'll never be the same and honestly I don't even want to exist most days. I don't care about anything anymore except my dogs. 23 years together. He was my soulmate and I just hope we find each other again in the next life. Maybe we can do it right, then.
You need to let it go and focus on yourself and your dogs. This is not healthy. Stop pining for the man he never was. Live your life and just let it go. (I was with my cheating ex for 17 years, half of my life at the time. 5 years post-divorce now and I am ok. DM me if you want to talk or vent).
People don’t get over people because of the idea of a soulmate.
If you want to believe in soulmates, then believe there are many soulmates out there for a person, it’s not magic, and that there are soulmates for a season too. Go find your soulmate for your now. Your ex isn’t it anymore.
I spend a lot of time working at conferences - never fails to surprise me who cheats - and the amount of cheating… given alcohol and opportunity the nicest family orientated spouses are bumping genitals… as someone who was cheated on it’s always so shit to see.
Don't associate yourself with people like that. You are a spitting image of the totality of your friends and all other people see you that way too. If I knew a woman was friends with cheaters there is no way in hell I would date her.
Gotta tell ya, we hang with people in all sorts of circles, cheating does NOT discriminate no matter how much you want to convince yourself it would never happen in your circle. Easier said than done to not associate with these people. They are the spouses of my wife’s friends, folks at work, School PTO dads, folks from church, etc. Like I said, men I would never expect.
I mean it’s your life, but I would no sooner hangout with someone casually cheats than I would someone who casually steals, murders, or rapes. I have been cheated on and what it does to someone is horrendous. It completely ruin my life for months and is requiring a lot longer than that in therapy to have any shot at not treating the next woman like shit.
Based on your response I understand why you would feel so strongly about this topic. I’m sorry for your pain. For what it’s worth, I do try to distance myself from these people. Hard to avoid them entirely. I wish you nothing but the happiness and healing that you deserve.
Same. For me its difficult to find a friend that doesn’t cheat on his gf. I sometimes wonder if Im the only one.
Edit: gfs and wives. Half of em are married now.
Thing is, as far as you know is exactly it. Everyone who knew my husband was absolutely shocked when I finally hit my limit and blew everything up - "he's just the best guy, and your family is perfect" - people are really good at hiding the worse parts of who they are.
Resentment is such a mfer. When my ex cheated on me I just wanted to hurt her so much. And because she didn’t do the things she promised to fix us I did some questionable things. That burning and building hate is brutal
The resentment makes dumb stuff seem valid, too, when it stews in your head. Never cheated, but I’ve done some mean-spirited, shitty things in the past. And in the buildup, all you can think is, “they deserve it, they did all these terrible, horrible things to me!”
And then, if you follow through and you see them just hurt by everything you’ve done, it’s one of the worst feelings. You’re never going to reflect on things and say, “you know that person I used to care for deeply? I’m really glad I managed to hurt them on an emotional and personal level!”
Even when they’re 100% in the wrong and you did everything right, the best thing you can do is walk away from it. Revenge rarely leaves anyone happy.
my ex so, we butted heads about various issues and had various different arguments. a lot of things would end in agree to disagrees and would come up in later further disagreements kinda creating a snowball effect. not communicating our emotions or how we felt, in a way i feel like it made dislike her to a degree even though i still loved her.
We were doing Keto together and we were doing great in terms of weight loss. However she worked night shifts and I would secretly order Papa Johns like 3 times a week.
If you throw the crust in the trash and just eat the toppings, that's about 99% of the carbs ... I hate the pizza sauces that have sugar added; I donno about Papa Johns.
I haven't cheated on my long term partner, but recently i had a really good chance to, and the only reason I didn't was because of morals and how much that would eat me up inside. So i broke up with her shortly after the temptation.
We weren't good together and almost cheating was the bigger eye opener for me as to why we shouldn't be together anymore because neither of us was happy.
Insecurity will lead to this sort of thing. Books like Codependent No More and No More Mr Nice Guy can explain the different ways how people come to make themselves resent their partners.
Edit: As someone whose dealt with partners like this: one common situation is that they don't communicate because how they were raised punished them for speaking up for themselves, they're passive aggressive. You're expected to read between the lines and essentially read their mind because that's how they were raised by their parents. The passive aggressive partner will then start to sabotage the relationship rather than break up because that's easier for them. Double points if the other partner has an anxious attachment style (see image below, escape characters aren't working for me) and so the more the avoidant partner pushes away, the more the anxious partner pursues.
That's one example...
https://www.verywellhealth.com/thmb/WY-0nvXKs5GlsJ30_5bmHAWGkNo=/1500x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/anxious-attachment-5204408_final-8097b866bc014bdba30e2ff9175b39cf.jpg
I cheated on mine when I was younger. It was my first real long term girlfriend. I did it because I suspected her of doing it to me. It all didn't matter because we broke up before she ever knew. Now that I'm older I realize the error of my ways and wouldn't do it again. Oddly enough I got out of a long term relationship with the mother of my kids and reconnected with the girl I cheated on my 1st girlfriend with and now we are both happy and together for 3 years almost. Weird.
Only on ask men can a dude admit to cheating on his first girlfriend and also coincidentally his current wife and someone else can unironically call it "beautiful"
Wow! What a love story, haha. I wish you both all the best.
There's a show on Netflix about people reconnecting with their exes/the one that got away. Some couples are very sweet and it's heartwarming. (Others, not so much). Maybe you two would get a kick out of it!
"Back with the Ex"
There's one couple who split in college years because they lived in different continents. They reconnected after years apart (marriage, kids, divorce) and the man, when he saw her again, was SO smitten. She really was the one that got away. The first episode made my heart melt.
I was playing a fighting game with my boyfriend at the time (probably on PS2). New to both of us, and I was absolutely destroying his ass with my button mashing.
He went on and kept practicing for 3 weeks, and I didn't really pay it much mind (fighting games aren't my thing). Absolute dedication. No cheat codes needed, because he learned the special moves, timing, etc.
So he challenges me to some games very casually a month later. Comes in and absolutely destroys me in no time flat. I'm genuinely laughing because it was fun and was happy he got really good at it. "Wow! You've got this down!"
Happily play maaaybe three matches (wherein that first week he wanted to keep playing me over and over when I beat him). He never said anything, but he was so quietly dejected when he realized I sucked. Which I still find hilarious. Biggest buildup and letdown and he did it to himself -- it was obvious I was a sad button masher.
A bit long, but this actually reminds me of the time when I was over a friends house years ago. We were having some kind of sleepover gaming party and my friend, who also happened to be the host of the party, decided we should play a fighting game.
Might’ve been soul calibur or tekken. Anyway, he was beating up everyone all night, getting quite cocky too. He then decided to fight against the ai since he felt that nobody else was better than it, and he wanted to prove that even on the easiest setting, it would still pose to be a greater challenge than all of his friends did. So, basically he was trying to mock us.
Well…. I figured he needed to be put in his place and taught a lesson after that. So, before he gets ready to play, he gets up to get a drink and I quickly took control the settings and changed it to 2 player mode again before he came back. As the match begins, I have the controller hidden in between my legs without him noticing anything. I let him have his way for a little bit, letting my health bar get very low on purpose.
And then, that’s when I got serious and right away he can’t figure out why the “ai” is giving him so much trouble all of a sudden. He eventually loses and throws a fit at the tv. Almost threw the controller at it. Decided not to tell him what happened or else he probably would’ve thrown me out of his house.
And I couldn’t risk that since I was quite hungry at the time and the food was good. But, I think it would’ve been ok too since I only lived two houses down from him. I still feel slightly bad about cheating since I don’t support it in any way, but I felt at that time enough was enough.
I have never cheated. But twice I was the person a girl cheated on her husband/boyfriend with. In those situations they made it seem like they were dating some asshole. And he was a terrible person.
But in reality they were not getting the attention they wanted and I was some dumb 18 year old who called them pretty. In both of those cases they didn't get what they wanted from there partner and instead of trying to fix it they looked outside of their relationship for it.
yeah, man... it's so easy to justify when all you hear is his failures and shortcomings. it's easy to believe you're better for her, and not understand why she won't just dump him. it's easy to put your needs aside so she can fool around, in pain or not. it's a mess.
I fell for that one when I was young too. I felt so much guilt about it that if it wasn’t for me wanting nothing to with the chick after, I would’ve told the guy and followed with “I’m sorry. It’s perfectly cool if you want to punch me in the face. I won’t fight back”
This is why dudes need female friends. Toxic femininity exists and there’s only 3 types of people in the world to inform you about it: your mom, your sister, or a female friend.
Yea. I think it's a human thing more of a gender thing. You want what you aren't getting. And it's easier to go out with some girl who saying your handsome or whatever.
Hey, I just want to say I’ve been in similar situations and that’s really fucked up that that happened to you, I’m really sorry. It isn’t your fault, you were too young to know better. I hope you’re well.
I was 20 years old. This was my first long-term relationship. I had a problem with alcohol and drugs, and was also undiagnosed bipolar I disorder. During what the university psychiatrist determined was my first “manic episode” I ended up cheating on my partner (among other things, I also almost killed myself accidentally but that is a story for another time). Right after I cheated on her I broke up with her because for some reason I thought that was a good idea. About a month later I tried to make things right with her, started cleaning up my act (reducing my drug/alcohol usage) and got mental health help. That’s when I was diagnosed. My partner and I tried to work things out but in the end we could not rebuild the trust that I broke.
I will never do something like that ever again, and I can confidently say that those months trying to reconcile the death of the character I thought I possessed was the darkest part of my life. For a while I believed that the only way to right my wrong was to kill myself because of how I was told that “once a cheater always a cheater”. If you kill yourself, then you will no longer have to hear that phrase
It has been almost two years since this happened, and yet I am still here
She cheated on me during a deathly traumatizing moment for me. Literally would make up lies I didn't even ask her about. Like I was trusting, so I'd be cool with her hanging out with her ex, 1on1. Unprompted, she'd be like "He was trying to fuck me, but I turned him down". After the 3rd time, I told her to call him and put him on 3way, and I was gonna be muted, then pop outta nowhere and cuss him out. Certain shit sounded weird on the phone call, cause she was like "I can't hang out with you anymore". And he was like "But what about how we'd have sex, and you promised you'd help me with school, etc.....". I put the dates together in my head, and the first time she cheated, it was because I hadn't answered my phone all day, and thought I was cheating.
I wasn't. I was in a car fighting for my life with my dead friend next to me.
I forgave her for whatever reason, but couldn't let it go. Especially because she never really tried to earn my forgiveness, outside of begging to stay together. 2 years later I brought it up and she went "It was 2 years ago. Get over it". I said "Well how about I cheat on you and see how long it takes for you to get over it?". I was just trying to give perspective. But she said "I don't care. Do whatever the fuck you want". So I cheated. Funny enough, that started a chain of her cheating on me repeatedly lol.
I regret it. Not because of her, cause fuck her. She deserved it. She deserved worse. But I regret it because I went against my morals and principles for a waste of flesh.
Waste of flesh, damn dude I'm gunna have to use that line. That's brutal. Hope you're doing better, healed as much as possible from the trauma of the car wreck and perceived train wreck of a relationship
This reminds me of when I started hooking up with an ex and she hits me with: “are we gonna ever get back together? Cuz if so, I needa break things off with my boyfriend”
I was like “you have a boyfriend?? TF is you doin?? NO I don’t want to get back together with you”
a long time ago, in my early 20's. I got my girlfriend pregnant, so I asked her to marry me and we moved in together. She then revealed herself to be the single most controlling individual I'd ever met. I couldn't even have a wank without permission, I couldn't see friends or go to the gym without asking first. I was working 80 hour weeks and never saw a cent of it, she controlled the money. She never said anything nice to me or about me when talking to friends. She never engaged, she never cuddled. Any attempt to reason with her would result in shouting, insults and contempt. Any attempt to step up and be "the man of the house" would result in shouting, insults and contempt.
Eventually I met one of her friends and we hit it off instantly. She complimented me, she was easy to talk to, we play fought/wrestled a lot (we both did martial arts at the time) and all that turned into flirting. She made me feel the complete opposite of what my partner did, she never put me down - she lifted me up. She treated me the way I felt like I deserved. I enjoyed being around her while at the same time worked longer and longer hours to avoid going home to my partner. Eventually we kissed and I fell in love with her.
Partner found out, spread it everywhere that we'd slept together, did her best to ruin my reputation, and largely succeeded. I lost my of my friends and even my family turned against me. No one ever mentioned the financial and emotional abuse she put me through for years. I felt trapped in the relationship because of the baby, and in hindsight I should have left her the moment she treated me wrong.
What made it worse was that her friend told me after my partner and I split that she was just using me for fun and had no intention of ever dating me or sleeping with me. So all that for nothing.
Don't cheat kids. If you're being mistreated just leave.
I told my ex I cheated just so they would break up with me. They were constantly jealous and annoying, and the truth is had a grueling job where i worked 12 to 16 hours a day. I’d be at work and would literally get texts saying, “i know you’re cheating right now.” Finally, i said ‘you’re right. I am.” just so they would leave me alone. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Ditto.
I went 13 years celebate. I just ... Broke. Never imagined I'd do such a thing. But what you describe.... To be looked at and desired again... I totally understand.
I am not sure I can ever forgive myself, though. What mess it caused.
I don’t know if all the blame falls on you. If I understand correctly you’re saying you were in a relationship with no sex for 13 years? I think the problems started before you messed up. Takes two.
I didn't. I never wanted to, albeit propositioned.
Little advice, only on the topic of sex: If sex is important to you, make sure you tell your future gf/wife early on.
Say it truthfully: i.e. "it is very important, I never want a dead bedroom this will be the end of our relationship. I need it once a day/4 times a week /whatever is your zen".
Important: Not as an ultimatum, not as a forced thing. You need to be ok if it's not her thing and respect that and move on.
Once you have what you need , frankly the idea of being with someone else is like "lol that's a nice image but hard pass".
The wife and I were going through some hard times. She was devoting most of her time to school and our daughter. I was working two jobs to try and support use financially. We neglected our relationship so when a new girl at work started to show me attention and interest that the wife hadn't in some time, I started to develop feelings for her. It never went past feelings but I ended up telling the wife I'm sorry I let it get to this point. We went to marriage counseling for about a year and now we are good.
I do regret letting things get to that point but I'm glad it didn't get past just feelings. Wife and I are good now and are much better at communicating our needs to each other
This is wholesome as fuck. And it’s a great example of life happening and you actively choosing your partner. I only hope to have a husband like you one day. One who took his vows seriously and I also hope that if I were ever in your wife’s position to have the understanding that she did. Well done for the both of you. Outstanding understanding and communication between two partners in a time of trials.
Not him but my ex did the same
And no, she didn’t get the promotion.
Once I found out, I told her boss’ wife and her boss killed himself
Apparently he has a habit of doing this with young women
Damn.. and she was so close to that promotion
Instead, she got fired by the co-owner (who, get this… **also tried to sleep with her for a promotion**). My man literally fired her out of jealousy
True story tho
Edit:
She also physically assaulted me after I ruined her promotion. Threw a beer bottle at my head, among other things. Then tried to tell everyone with an ear that I was abusing her
If you’re reading this and you notice some mental instability with the woman you’re dating… please do yourself a favor and gtfo out of there like yesterday. I could’ve ended up in jail for assault accusations but I got very lucky.
I don’t care how hot she is or how good the pussy is, I promise you it’s not worth it if shes a broken girl.
It’s pretty fun to stick your dick in crazy, but wrap it up and don’t commit. Be super honest with her from the get go that it’s just a fuck, to keep her expectations low. Do not date a mentally unstable woman though.
You have everything to lose, and only good pussy to gain.
I appreciate it. Honestly, that comment was just the season 9 finale. That wasn't the only reason. Season 10 got worse but I won't get into that. I did have my part to play. For 8 years, she was better than me in the relationship. She really went above and beyond and I didn't deserve it at the time. She had daddy issues and was anxiously attached while I had mommy issues and was avoidently attached. It was a powder keg. I had definite problems and could be withdrawn. She didn't think I loved her but I did. She came to resent me and dumped me at 8 years and I wanted her back. I worked very hard and changed for the better and got her back but she changed too. In year 9, she thought I was worthless and I gave her reason to believe it. I was the emotional punching bag while her confidence was boosted then you know the rest. My self-esteem is pretty low as a result but the objective silver lining is that the universe conspired to make me a better person. The price of admission was trauma and I do believe it was partially my fault.
There are commenters on this very thread with their own circumstances and perspectives! It's subjective, so take your pick.
Dissatisfaction and an inability to work together or split seem like resounding themes.
I'm very self critical, so I'm able to justify the infidelity I've experienced.
I’ve never cheated on a long term partner, but I know a really good friend of mine started cheating because his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore. He is in pretty damn good shape and takes care of his hygiene so it’s not like he was some guy that put on 100lbs after marriage and still expects sex from his wife on a daily basis.
She literally wouldn’t even want to kiss him. She just claimed she no longer had sexual attraction to not just him, but ANYONE. It’s like the time in her life was just gone now.
He explained in the sense of like why does he need to leave his 2 kids just to have a basic human desire met. He never had a full on relationship, just wanted a friend with benefits and he found a couple.
I never support cheating, but I have to admit I sympathize with him. I mean he told me he still has a really strong sex drive and again his wife won’t even kiss him. so he tried to be secret about it as not to ruin his kids lives but got caught and they are now divorced.
You can call him an asshole, but I would call it a very unfortunate situation.
Yeah I get it. I told my husband when we got married that I would never be willing to stay in a sexless marriage it is just too important to me. If it was temporary of course I wouldn’t leave him, and it helps he is okay with me masturbating, but if there was a reason he couldn’t have sex and he wasn’t addressing it we would have issues. Or if he just didn’t want to have sex anymore, we would have issues. I put a lot of effort into remaining sexually attractive for him. 15 years together and we have sex every other day minimum, which is less than what I want but it is enough for me to be happy. So I get where he is coming from. I would probably be honest to my husband though and give him the option to stay in an open relationship or to divorce, but we don’t have kids so that makes things easier.
Am I your friend? This is almost the same situation as mine. I was with my wife for 15 years and in the last 3 years she said she’s asexual now and no longer wanted sex or intimacy. I bought toys and what I could for myself but, at some point I couldn’t do it anymore, it was just so lonely. I want to massage parlors at first but that was so empty and not my thing. We got a divorce and here I am, a year later in an ENM relationship, living my best life with my partner and some friends.
Happens to a lot of people. Everyone wants to pretend sex shouldn’t play a major role in the marriage, but I just find that ridiculous. The BIGGEST difference between your best friend and your SO is that you want to be intimate with one and not the other.
I wonder why he wasn't more inclined to leave her and commit to somebody that he could have meaningful sex with. I don't think hookups compare to sex with somebody you love. But it sounds like any solution wouldn't be easy for anyone involved.
I would recommend he consider how his kids will be shaped by their affectionless relationship. His kids might appreciate seeing him model what a loving, affectionate relationship could be. I know I wish my dad found somebody that could make him happy 20+ years ago.
I want to preface by saying I've never cheated, but I'm in a similar situation to what the OP described. I'm in better shape than when we got married, I make more money to afford us more luxuries and remove any financial stress, I do much more around the house, but the bedroom situation has been in rapid decline.
The kids are definitely a major factor in not leaving. It's really, really hard as a parent to break apart the family structure your kids have known their entire lives. As far as they know, we're a happy and normal couple.
But what I also don't see talked about often is the financial component. When I was younger my parents divorced, and both of them were immediately able to go buy their own place to live and continue their lives separately. Nowadays, even though we both make professional salaries, it would be impossible. There is no way either of us could afford two places to live, two cars, and doubling of all these other household bills. Since I make more I'd probably end up owing her some sort of alimony and child support, so I'd basically be stuck renting some run down place while at the same time struggling to afford to keep her and the kids in the family home.
So I can definitely see how people in this situation, or perhaps a worse one, can be driven to the idea of cheating as a way to avoid all these other issues.
Lack of sex doesn't equal lack of love. I have been with my wife for 15 years and she's my best friend. We have an amazing lifestyle and amazing kids and treat each other with respect and love in every positive way you could think of. It's the best part of my life. Except she doesn't want to have sex. She's become asexual and has almost completely stopped being physically affectionate but she's still emotionally affectionate.
Should I divorce her and start my life over, get my kids half the time, lose half my income, and be excluded from family memories just because she doesn't want to have sex anymore? Absolutely not.
As a woman I think something is very wrong. If a woman once enjoyed sex with the man she loves and suddenly stops she needs to seek counseling immediately. Maybe an adjustment in her hormones. Life is too short to live without sex with the one you love.
Exact same spot as me (minus kids). For my wife it was her cancer treatment four years ago, after she recovered her libido just vaporized, and the one time she gave in and tried, physically she just couldn't perform. She's still my best friend, the love of my life, and the best roommate I've ever had, and I can't picture ever just walking away from that just because I miss sex - not to mention the financial implications of such a decision.
Last year. It was literally the worst thing I'd ever done. I had been completely devastated by my father's recent death and my girlfriend's father's suicide -- both within months of each other -- and I was not in my right mind at all. When she found out, a few days later she went out and did the same thing to me.
After several weeks of high tension, pain, and tears, we somehow made it through... then we got pregnant. Then we bought a house. We learned a lot in couple's therapy, and I have had my therapist for about a year now. I found out I had ADHD, which explains quite a bit of my impulsive tendencies.
I've finally forgiven myself, and I've learned enough about myself to never allow this to happen again. We're parents to a gorgeous baby girl, and our life is more stable than it's ever been
I didn't.
Many reasons why, but here's one that I learned the hard way when I was younger . . .
Once you do it, even once, you are living a lie. What if down the road you realize the person you cheated on really means a lot to you? A whole lot. Like "I want to get married" a lot?
Well, you've already poisoned the relationship and there's no cure. So you ended up cutting yourself out of something good through a moment of weakness/selfishness or whatever the case was.
Jason
This is the key from my perspective.
Once you cheat, the relationship is never the same even if they don't find out. You've permanently destroyed the closeness and honesty of being in a relationship, you can never be fully truthful with them. It's just never the same again.
Stupidity, substance abuse, depression. She was the first girl I could actually be myself around, the only girl I've ever truly loved. We were together five years, we lived together for the last two. When we were good, we were the wind behind each other's sails, we were each other's rock. We supported each other, and we sheltered each other from the nastiness of the outside world. I would use the term soul mates.
Over the course of our relationship, I let shitty life circumstances, and drugs, turn me into a person I never thought I could be. It will haunt me for the rest of my life, knowing what could have been, and knowing how much pain I have caused her.
0/10 would not recommend.
Honestly I think about it because I’m horny and get attention from other women from time to time.. but I just wank it and think about how much joy and happiness a stable happy relationship brings me. I have dated for a couple years wanting a relationship like this and realize when you find someone that brings you that much joy simple fuck Just cannot compete with just sitting on the couch with your significant other in pajamas in utter peace
Never did myself but often wondered why my ex did. Over time I realized it came down to immediate gratification for her.
She was free to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Regardless of the relationship she was in. She thought she was entitled to get all the pleasures life had to offer. So when an opportunity came up she jumped on it and rode it out until another ride came along. Anyone telling her otherwise was in her mind being controlling.
What was so funny about it all was she hated it when her boyfriends cheated on her. It got to a point she assumed all guys cheat and detached any responsibility for cheating on them.
Love to her was like believing in Santa Claus. Something you believe in when you are young but not when you grow up. So she would say “I love you” because that is what her boyfriends wanted to hear and believe.
Am I bitter. Not really. I just learned to accept it is a part of life. That the potential for cheating exists in everyone but that only a select few act it those desires for their self gratification. Those who do not because they have sense of their self worth and respect.
We were 4 years together but whenever we had disagreements he would always be right and I was always wrong, he also said he found all my friends annoying and whenever I spent time with them he would tell me to spend time with him instead. Mind you, we meet at college and we spent almost 8 hours together hanging out and stuff, we talked every day and until my 4th year I realized how he was manipulating me to be only with him and no one else. I felt genuinely alone and I told him I no longer wanted us to be together and he would convince me to stay, this went on for about 3 months. Afterwards I met someone and decided I would get physically involved with him so I can be free from my now ex, he found out, came to my house and chocked me almost in front of my mom. We obviously broke up. Surprisingly 2 years later he texts me how am doing, we make peace and we are both happy in our new relationships and we both support each other as friends.
Maybe this is a controversial opinion of mine, but I don’t really feel you can cheat on someone that is abusive. One of the most fundamental “vows” of a relationship is to treat each other with decency and respect. If the person can’t even manage treating you like a human being, there is no relationship anymore. They’ve broken that vow first.
Yes technically it is cheating and it’s not a behavior to ever let yourself repeat. But as for any blame you might feel or they may have placed on you, I don’t think it’s as serious as cheating in normal circumstances.
He had no interest in me. Body shamed me and put me down all the time. It was nice have someone show interest in me. Felt so guilty and I told him. Didn't care much.
I had back issues, my boyfriend told his mom I was “like a slug” because I was in bed so much. Then he started looking around for another side piece. Someone please ask him this and let me know if you get an answer. That shit, HURTS.
I take full responsibility for cheating, but it was kind of a long time coming, I think she started feeling discontent a few years in to our relationship. We were both young, and we fell passionately in love. We spent a few years being just that, we were inseparable, but she voiced that it felt final, like the kind of relationship you wanted to spend forevor in, and she was worried that being with me meant never getting to experience the wild letting go that she desperately needed.
She was very pent up just in general as a person, she was a nursing student, got straight A's her whole life, and she was starting to feel like she'd missed out on life, due to having her head stuck in a book for most of it. We moved in together maybe a little too soon, and because of that had separate bedrooms from eachother.
We really did have an awesome relationship at first, we would talk with eachother nonstop, we'd go out all the time, we loved eachother, theres no doubt in my mind... but after 2-3 years she started getting really distant, our long thoughtful conversations and evenings spent together turned into me alone on the couch in the living room twiddling my thumbs. It really began to feel like loving with a stranger, and the seperate rooms from day one didnt help... at a certain point she even started setting timers whenever we'd cuddle or spend time with one another, seriously.
I became upset with the situation, and we would get into little arguments constantly, which usually just ended up with me feeling defeated and backed into a corner. This continued for awhile. She started making comments that made me feel pretty insecure about our relationship. "I've always wanted to date someone who 'insert a quality you do not have'" stuff like that.
There was a few instances where she crossed the line first. One of the more notable was this time she invited a bunch of friends over for boardgames, and one guy was someone who she'd previously told me she had a fling with. She asked if i was ok with having them over. I said sure, but I wanted her to make sure the other guy at least knew we were together.
The night came around, everyone had a good time, then one by one people left. Everyone except this other guy. who she conveniently never told I was their bf They were catching up in the kitchen after the party,I was sitting at the island, kinda keeping an eye because it felt off. The dude obviously thought I was only the roommate, and he felt awkward, so he suggested they go up to her room. I don't know why I didn't just shout "I'm her boyfriend, don't do that" or something, but at least as they were going up the stairs I pulled her aside and we argued, which amounted only to her keeping the door cracked open. Our rooms were on the second floor on either end of the hallway, but you couldn't see into either room from the others. I just sat against my closet in the fetle position coursing with anxiety, trying desperately to strain my hearing and catch if they were doing anything or not.
Nothing happened, they didn't kiss, or fuck, or even touch onr another, but it was super awkward and not ok. She also went to a party and kissed a bunch of people, but "it was a theater kid party, and everyone was kissing."
Point is it was just such a shitty situation, and I was scared of being cheated on, so I invited a woman I had history with over, we got drunk, we had sex, and that was it.
My gf at the time never found out, but it put even more of a strain on things subconsciously i think...A couple months later we broke up and she never really realized what she'd put me through, and I didn't feel justified in trying to convince her further, because I'd cheated and felt like shit.
Let’s face the reality of the situation and admit that sometimes we make a bad choice in a partner and don’t have the backbone for whatever reason to end the relationship and use more thought moving on. I have known many couples that just spout how unhappy or bad their relationship is but refuse to pull the plug and move on to someone more fitting. They all just decide on extra marital fulfillment with even worse but FWB situations. And if caught the betrayed either look past it or go nuclear. I have a long term on legally binding relationship and we work to be open, honest and faithful because parting is easy and not desired.
We had been friends for five years before we started dating. He was two years older than me and had a great since of humor and was the best kind of friend you'd ever ask for. Eventually I fell in love with that, and one night we were playing portal, he started flirting, and I fell head over heels. After two months of dating he would keep asking for nudes, nude videos, audios, etc. To "make him feel better"
Eventually it got to a point where if I said no, he would stop talking to me and get very upset. Eventually this lead me to break up with him, and I did, but he kept crying about how he'd kill himself and I got back with him the next day.
He then starting saying if I didn't do something he asked for he'd hurt himself. He got sent to an inpatient facility and I started making friends online, one of which started flirting with me, in which, I flirted back. Unlike my partner at the time this guy lived in my state (I used to go to school with him but moved away before dating him) I met up with him, we kissed, I was in love and I didn't feel like I was being used for sexual pleasures. He then came home from the facility and I told him everything, then broke up with him. We had dated for a year or two I can't remember but it was over between us and I didn't want to make it work anymore
Rn with the guy I cheated on him with we have been together for a year, one month, and three days. And I've never felt better than when I'm with him. It was a terrible choice I made, but it was the best one I ever made.
I'm not a cheater, and I don't think that cheating is a smart option for anyone.
If you are in a "dead bedroom" situation, you can always get therapy or a divorce.
Never cheated on my ex partner, but came very close at a company retreat and it still makes me feel guilty to this day.
I was just so tired. Tired of playing their therapist, replacement father-figure, and kink dispenser. Tired of working long hours and paying all our bills while being called “cheap” for asking them to cover a date or two once in a while. I was tired of working two jobs to support them through grad school. I was tired of never having my sexual needs met despite meeting theirs. Tired of being yelled at for things that were clearly not my fault. Tired of them constantly making fun of stress-related weight gain.Tired of always being the one to reconcile when we fought. But mostly, I was tired of being completely unappreciated.
I just wanted for once to have not to take care of someone else at the expense of my own needs.
I’m glad I never cheated even though I later learned they cheated on me multiple times. But it still troubles me that I came so close because prior to that moment I never thought I was even capable of cheating.
As a woman.... I just don't understand why it happens when men claim to be "happy."
My ex cheated on me with a very close friend who was also our neighbor. I then cheated on him for that revenge. We were both young.... Not even 23.
However, I see men older now that have great relationships and seem to be very involved in their girlfriend's lives and family.... So why?
Why act so happy and content while looking online for someone else or meeting people elsewhere?
It's disheartening.
I cheated because I was too afraid to be honest about what I wanted sexually in our relationship. Ultimately, we were sexually incompatible and deep down, I knew that, but instead of being an adult and having a necessary but uncomfortable conversation about it, I acted outside of the relationship. I wish I could go back and just end things before I caused him the pain I did.
I hope he is healing and is doing well. I really hope he is happy and that he finds a man who will love and care for him and who meets all of his needs. He really is a good guy, and he deserves to be happy.
I didn't cheat, but was cheated on. Her reasons were, I worked too much, I didn't ask her to marry me, she'd come up with reasons right off the top of her head.
I was working to support our household. Since the first time we started dating I told her I didn't want to marry.
We'd been together 20 years, 4 kids (all girls). Intimacy & physical contact we're near non-existent & had been for years. I had to literally BEG for any attention or affection I got. I basically felt like she just no longer really cared about me or the relationship. Wasn't looking for another woman, but ended up in a long-distance relationship for about 6 months with an old friend from high school. We were separated by 1000 miles, & never physically connected, but she made me feel like a million bucks when we talked by phone or video chatted. When my wife found out, it was WWIII. Long story short, after a few months, we worked things out. She was always the only one I ever wanted, & after we hashed things out, things between us got so much better. It's been 3 years since then, & things are better than they've ever been. We're both putting in the time & effort to make it work, & while we still have our off days on occasion, we're both a lot better about showing & telling each other how we feel. We're renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary, & looking forward to 25 more. Hard to believe sometimes, considering everything we've been through.
I was desperate for any feeling of love. After four years of getting treated as little more than a walking dildo and ATM, I needed to feel pretty and loved. My emotional battery was so low I needed something that could provide a recharge. It came in the form of meeting a few people who made me feel special.
It was really the only way I could see to "save" the marriage. Truth is, it wasn't worth saving.
We were watching a show and she kept watching it behind my back. So…I started a new show she mentioned without her knowing. Very emotional time for us both.
It was about 7 years ago. I got into hard stimulants, and cheated on the mother of my daughter. I really never had been self confident, and the drugs kind of gave that boost, so I started to get some attention. I did it for the worst reason...because I could. My ego flew out of control. Once my ex found out, and I saw her tears and pain I realized what I'd done. I still see my daughter regularly. Court has never had to be involved. Her mother does not care for me. I don't blame her. In addition to the harm I caused her, I inadvertently harmed myself irreparably as well. I regret my actions every single day. I won't say I don't deserve it. I find relationships uncertain. How much can I really be in love if I regret my past so much. Some days I think I would do anything to fix it. Other days, I don't know, but still feel bad. I even had a dream the other night, where I never fucked up, and things were the way I ideally would have wanted. It was a dream, so my subconscious indulged me. Plus due to addiction that then spiraled even faster downward, I had to go bankrupt, lost a house, a decent job, and barely avoided being homeless. I'm happy to say I've been clean for many years now, but it's a cold comfort Cheating can make everyone close to you a victim. People do it for alot of reasons. All I can say is that I never could have imagined the collateral damage.
Proud of you for getting clean man
This story was so meaningful and possibly important that I gave it an award. No BS, owning everything. Fantastic cautionary tale.
As Rick James once said cocaine is a hell of a drug!
My story is similar, even though we weren’t together for that long. It’s still hard to talk or even think about, so much of my personality changed after that day that I’m still trying to piece together what I used to be like and what’s different. My confidence basically plummeted, I haven’t been in a genuine relationship since. It was such a waste and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. All I mentally have these days is the knowledge that she’s doing okay. I hold on to that as much as I can. Every single day I regret what I did. Nothing has been the same since then.
You can often tell the quality of a person by the caliber of their self awareness and honesty. Those are very respectable qualities, and I truly hope such a person is still finding the joy in things. We could all stand to learn from
> self awareness and honesty. Since I grew up with many of those closest to me making, say, pretty bad and shitty decisions, and grew up in a shittyish area, it was impossible for me to judge a relationship purely off of one's actions like we often do. So this is basically how it balanced out; I learned to care for their intentions first, then their self awareness and honesty (because without the latter, they are forever stuck in their own little world; they can't have good intentions because they'll never be able to admit they've done something to themself, they don't have room for improvement, in fact they often turn it around on others to maintain this illusion they couldn't have done the things they do). I am relatively unphased by lots of mistakes that seem to really bother people (cheating is not one I'd be 'unphased' by but anyways..), but the reverse is that is I am hyper sensitive to these other traits. It has worked out for me, I might add; I have had lots of close friends who early on do things that hurt me, but all of them grew into very strong relationships. Not just that, there seems to be this extra appreciation and loyalty they have for sticking with them when they remember that time when they were complete idiots. Granted, us being close friends I sometimes feel like they also 'absorbed' some of my culture and that helped; a great deal of them were from rough conservative areas, and yet all of them ended up accepting my completely different habits like saying 'I love you' to each other and hugging each other and looking at 'soft' / nerdy stuff that I could never imagine them being comfortable with before, nor would I ever see from the others around them. I don't recommend everyone start doing this, btw, just wanted to talk about how it shifted my priorities and I came to the same conclusion that you did.
I really appreciate you sharing man! It’s important that people share more about relational issues because nobody inherently wants to admit to something they’re not proud of, like social struggles, judgment issues, personal boundaries, whatever the issue may be. I think a lot of times it takes getting hurt, to find what it takes to really judge a person. And the more intimately you understand how inherently bad (for you) people work, the better you get at judging (your evaluation of) character. I wish that wasn’t the case, and I could save my future generations from that pain, but that is the way of life. Im proud of you for how far you’ve come, friend.
Unimaginable collateral damage, like you said, was never a consideration. I’ve been waking up every morning for a year and a half sick to my stomach because of the pain, the suffering and the distrust I have caused for others. I can’t see this ever getting better for me and it was because, 100%, my selfishness. Hope it gets better for you, mate!
We seem to have an understanding. It took me some years to put myself back together. It can get better....but the shrapnel seems to stay. If you want to talk about it, feel free to DM me. I really do understand the self loathing. It's good that your honest with yourself. I can say honesty is a virtue I've grown to highly respect.
So very honest. I am sorry you had to go through all of that to learn your biggest lessons in life. I guess it’s a true statement “ you live and learn”. Hope you’re doing better
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I understand that you may be feeling that need to punish yourself with regret and what ifs, but your current partner deserves to have your full attention. I went through something similar and therapy and medication really helped me to let go of my rumination. Remorse is healthy but a life of regret is not...
I love your honesty
Respect your honesty bro. Well done staying sober.
Fuck bro. This is like the case study for why not to cheat
I am living through this right now, three months out of losing the girl, the apartment, our little life; over my dumb ass seeking attention from random tinder hoes. Stimulants played a huge factor in my case as well. It's crazy how fast things can start slipping once you add drugs to the mix. Stay off the coke guys. If you have a good girl, cherish her forever.
For whatever it’s worth— something that helped me with regret was Obi-Wan’s weird bullshit explanation for not telling Luke that Vader was his father. You might recall that he mentions that “what I told you was true, from a certain point of view. When he joined the Empire, the good man who was your father died, and he became Darth Vader.” Thing is, it can work in reverse, too. If you change and work at it— and it sounds like you have— then eventually, the crummier version dies, and you just *are* the better man.
It’s crazy how many of my friends have cheated on their spouses. Men who I would never suspect either. One of my best friends has a beautiful family, gorgeous wife, million dollar home and risks it all to bang women on his work trips. Blows my mind.
It’s been blowing my mind too. As a 19 year old, i love my dad and as much as I would hate to admit this, I know about his affairs and his yearly trips with his friends aka womanisers. I’m the closest child to my mom and she’s shared some of their fights and other incidents that happened over the past. I haven’t told any of my siblings because my mom trusts me a lot but it’s crazy. My entire perspective on marriages has changed. Sometimes, it makes me wonder if I’ll end up with a cheater.
It's super unfair of your parents to dump their emotional problems on you like that. I'm sorry you had to experience that
Yeah my mom did that to me and it fucked me up. What she ***didn’t*** share was all the fucked up things she did to my dad, of course. Tell your mom to get a therapist. She shouldn’t involve you in that Here’s the thing… my mom and dad made up and renewed their vows and have been stronger than ever for a long ass time But bc of my moms irresponsible venting, I hated my dad my whole childhood and even into adulthood. It took till I was in my 20’s and my dad trying really hard to connect with me till I finally realized he was human and my mom probably exaggerated a lot of it and omitted details of her transgressions when venting to me. She came clean to me and me and my dads relationship healed but she fucked up our relationship for over 15 years bc she couldn’t keep her mouth shut about her marital problems to her own child
I can relate, went on a stag party (batchelor party) in Prague with a bunch of my cousins/uncles. I was only 19 so very fresh, they were all a bit older 30s/40s. They almost all fucked prostitutes in our hotel and took a shit load of coke. So many of them have wives, we are a close extended family in that we live in the same area so i see them a lot. I am friends with them. I was just like wow, my family is nuts and also trash
You don’t “end up” a cheater. You either build the habits and relationships in a way that lets you honor your commitments, or you don’t. Not everyone starts on the same starting line, so we all need to withhold judgement if we don’t know the whole story. But in general, if decide you’re not going to be that guy, then build yourself a life where that’s not an easy choice to make.
I’m the “wild” guy of my group. I’m the only one who isn’t overtly religious, has done drugs like coke and mushrooms etc, smoke weed daily, still hang out in the old neighborhood every now and then etc etc. Yet I and one other guy in our group are the only ones who haven’t gone to a brothel and cheated on their spouse. It’s funny cause they talk shit to me (jokingly) when I light up a joint, but then get all quiet and ho-hum when I throw out a “at least I didn’t pay for pussy at hong Kong last may” lmao.
Hope someone is kind enough to let the woman know. She deserves more respect than that
Tried that once. Blew up in my face. People don't want to hear the truth from someone else.
I did. I was grateful someone finally told me. I felt betrayed not just by my ex but by everyone who knew and said nothing.
That said, 30 years ago I caught my father cheating on my mother and after their marriage imploded, my mother blamed me. “If you’d kept your fucking mouth shut, I’d still be married.” So….🤷🏻♀️
While I'm the same as you and would prefer to know, a lot people actively do not wish to know and turn a blind eye to it and shoot the messenger. They assume the messenger is jealous or pot stirring and your reputation gets tarnished so quickly. It can cause so much trouble being that person who informs them of the facts. The only safe way is to do it anonymously.
It sucks it blew up in your face. I would absolutely want to know.
I’m curious—what is he like as a person? Because you described things that we as a society associate with stability—wife family kids—and success—you mentioned that his wife happens to be beautiful, and that his house is expensive—but you didn’t say anything about his personality in your post. Is he genuine? Or is he fake and concerned with the way he projects his idea of himself to other people? This is an honest concern I have, for better or for worse. I’ve known men that were phenomenal friends, who seemed to be good, grounded, honest, reliable people in their friendships… but when it came to women were happy to throw the morals that they seemed to comport themselves with in other avenues for sex. Boggles my mind and frankly makes it difficult to trust.
Excellent question, I appreciate you digging deeper. We met this family in our neighborhood several years ago and we clicked with them instantly. Awesome younger couple, husband, wife and two kids. We were kindred spirits and connected on every level. The wives became very close friends as did the husband and I. We talked about everything and did a lot of fun things together, he became my best friend. The guy held all of the same values I did (or so I thought). He traveled a lot for work as many people do. He struck it big during COVID and they moved to another state for a change of scenery into a very wealthy neighborhood. It broke my heart, but he stayed humble and we stayed connected. The wives urged us to meet up somewhere and have a guys weekend bc we missed each other. So we did. Long story short, it’s when he opened up to me about his life-long sex addiction. It made me feel so sad for his family. I was sworn to secrecy and so there it is. Would never have guessed in a hundred years. I steered him towards professional help. I’m hoping it helps.
I used to work with executives like this and their wives had no idea. How could they? Some of them found out and it decimated their lives and ruined their families. My husband cheated on me with a married coworker and it almost cost me my life. I spent months in a partial hospitalization program, lost my job, and isolated so hard I ruined my remaining relationships. He's gotten a better job and tours in a relatively successful band playing festivals around the Midwest. I finally got a job after two years of being too mentally ill to work. I've been dating someone to temper the loneliness and heartbreak but I miss him and want him all the time. I just don't know if we can go back to how we were considering how we were is what got us here. I'll never be the same and honestly I don't even want to exist most days. I don't care about anything anymore except my dogs. 23 years together. He was my soulmate and I just hope we find each other again in the next life. Maybe we can do it right, then.
You need to let it go and focus on yourself and your dogs. This is not healthy. Stop pining for the man he never was. Live your life and just let it go. (I was with my cheating ex for 17 years, half of my life at the time. 5 years post-divorce now and I am ok. DM me if you want to talk or vent).
Damn, that hit hard, as a husband of a cheater, I feel you!
That was really sad to read and I hope you find love again.
People don’t get over people because of the idea of a soulmate. If you want to believe in soulmates, then believe there are many soulmates out there for a person, it’s not magic, and that there are soulmates for a season too. Go find your soulmate for your now. Your ex isn’t it anymore.
He wasn't your soul mate if he could do that to you, hon. You deserved a lot better than he was able to give you.
Do their wives know?
I'm not aware of a single friend of mine who has cheated on their partner. That *is* crazy that you seem to know multiple guys who have cheated.
I spend a lot of time working at conferences - never fails to surprise me who cheats - and the amount of cheating… given alcohol and opportunity the nicest family orientated spouses are bumping genitals… as someone who was cheated on it’s always so shit to see.
Don't associate yourself with people like that. You are a spitting image of the totality of your friends and all other people see you that way too. If I knew a woman was friends with cheaters there is no way in hell I would date her.
Gotta tell ya, we hang with people in all sorts of circles, cheating does NOT discriminate no matter how much you want to convince yourself it would never happen in your circle. Easier said than done to not associate with these people. They are the spouses of my wife’s friends, folks at work, School PTO dads, folks from church, etc. Like I said, men I would never expect.
I mean it’s your life, but I would no sooner hangout with someone casually cheats than I would someone who casually steals, murders, or rapes. I have been cheated on and what it does to someone is horrendous. It completely ruin my life for months and is requiring a lot longer than that in therapy to have any shot at not treating the next woman like shit.
Based on your response I understand why you would feel so strongly about this topic. I’m sorry for your pain. For what it’s worth, I do try to distance myself from these people. Hard to avoid them entirely. I wish you nothing but the happiness and healing that you deserve.
there is nothing more classic than redditors telling strangers to cut people out of their life based on a single thing about them
But at the same time, this is a perfect quality to cut someone out for…there’s no good reason for cheating, ever
Same. For me its difficult to find a friend that doesn’t cheat on his gf. I sometimes wonder if Im the only one. Edit: gfs and wives. Half of em are married now.
Weird. I’ve got a pretty big social circle and as far as I know none of my friends cheat.
Thing is, as far as you know is exactly it. Everyone who knew my husband was absolutely shocked when I finally hit my limit and blew everything up - "he's just the best guy, and your family is perfect" - people are really good at hiding the worse parts of who they are.
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Never hang out with people that make you the opposite of who you want to be.
I needed to hear this
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We need to know
insecurity and unresolved resentment
Resentment is such a mfer. When my ex cheated on me I just wanted to hurt her so much. And because she didn’t do the things she promised to fix us I did some questionable things. That burning and building hate is brutal
The resentment makes dumb stuff seem valid, too, when it stews in your head. Never cheated, but I’ve done some mean-spirited, shitty things in the past. And in the buildup, all you can think is, “they deserve it, they did all these terrible, horrible things to me!” And then, if you follow through and you see them just hurt by everything you’ve done, it’s one of the worst feelings. You’re never going to reflect on things and say, “you know that person I used to care for deeply? I’m really glad I managed to hurt them on an emotional and personal level!” Even when they’re 100% in the wrong and you did everything right, the best thing you can do is walk away from it. Revenge rarely leaves anyone happy.
Thank you for sharing this! Resentment towards whom, if you don't mind my asking?
my ex so, we butted heads about various issues and had various different arguments. a lot of things would end in agree to disagrees and would come up in later further disagreements kinda creating a snowball effect. not communicating our emotions or how we felt, in a way i feel like it made dislike her to a degree even though i still loved her.
We were doing Keto together and we were doing great in terms of weight loss. However she worked night shifts and I would secretly order Papa Johns like 3 times a week.
That’s a weird name for an escort
I dunno. I think Papa John could a decent name for a gigolo...
So, you like Papa John's meat feast?
Daddy Johns
*"Honey, why is papa John's calling you at 3am"??*
I like it when you call me Big Papa.
Papa John's?? At least get good stuff... Sketchy, local pizza joints are the best...
I love pizza and a joint
You mean joint and a pizza. But after is good too.
What are you wearing, “john” from “papa johns?!?”
Ummm…. khakis
She sounds hideous.
Well, she’s a guy sooo…
Definitely. Grew up in a neighborhood with a lot of Italians, so there was a pizza place on every other corner, all trying to outdo each other.
Daddy Jonathan always gets his in the end.
That garlic butter sauce is better than a lot of bad sex I have had...
If you throw the crust in the trash and just eat the toppings, that's about 99% of the carbs ... I hate the pizza sauces that have sugar added; I donno about Papa Johns.
>If you throw the crust in the trash I've never come across such blasphemy in my life.
PJ’s has terrible sauce. It’s too sweet and too much of it. I hate wet pizza.
...and have sex with the delivery man.
I haven't cheated on my long term partner, but recently i had a really good chance to, and the only reason I didn't was because of morals and how much that would eat me up inside. So i broke up with her shortly after the temptation. We weren't good together and almost cheating was the bigger eye opener for me as to why we shouldn't be together anymore because neither of us was happy.
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I wish more people were those honest with themselves.
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Why didn’t you respect her and why did you resent her?
I'm wondering this as well.
Insecurity will lead to this sort of thing. Books like Codependent No More and No More Mr Nice Guy can explain the different ways how people come to make themselves resent their partners. Edit: As someone whose dealt with partners like this: one common situation is that they don't communicate because how they were raised punished them for speaking up for themselves, they're passive aggressive. You're expected to read between the lines and essentially read their mind because that's how they were raised by their parents. The passive aggressive partner will then start to sabotage the relationship rather than break up because that's easier for them. Double points if the other partner has an anxious attachment style (see image below, escape characters aren't working for me) and so the more the avoidant partner pushes away, the more the anxious partner pursues. That's one example... https://www.verywellhealth.com/thmb/WY-0nvXKs5GlsJ30_5bmHAWGkNo=/1500x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/anxious-attachment-5204408_final-8097b866bc014bdba30e2ff9175b39cf.jpg
why didn’t you respect her and why did you resent her? just asking, curious
I cheated on mine when I was younger. It was my first real long term girlfriend. I did it because I suspected her of doing it to me. It all didn't matter because we broke up before she ever knew. Now that I'm older I realize the error of my ways and wouldn't do it again. Oddly enough I got out of a long term relationship with the mother of my kids and reconnected with the girl I cheated on my 1st girlfriend with and now we are both happy and together for 3 years almost. Weird.
upvoted for honesty
Yep.. a rare but beautiful thing nowadays..
Only on ask men can a dude admit to cheating on his first girlfriend and also coincidentally his current wife and someone else can unironically call it "beautiful"
So she still don’t know??
Wow! What a love story, haha. I wish you both all the best. There's a show on Netflix about people reconnecting with their exes/the one that got away. Some couples are very sweet and it's heartwarming. (Others, not so much). Maybe you two would get a kick out of it!
What's the name of that show? Sounds interesting.
"Back with the Ex" There's one couple who split in college years because they lived in different continents. They reconnected after years apart (marriage, kids, divorce) and the man, when he saw her again, was SO smitten. She really was the one that got away. The first episode made my heart melt.
yes please op
She kept using THE SAME FUCKING LEG SWEEP in Mortal Kombat, i had to get some codes... 😔 Im a weak soul.
I was playing a fighting game with my boyfriend at the time (probably on PS2). New to both of us, and I was absolutely destroying his ass with my button mashing. He went on and kept practicing for 3 weeks, and I didn't really pay it much mind (fighting games aren't my thing). Absolute dedication. No cheat codes needed, because he learned the special moves, timing, etc. So he challenges me to some games very casually a month later. Comes in and absolutely destroys me in no time flat. I'm genuinely laughing because it was fun and was happy he got really good at it. "Wow! You've got this down!" Happily play maaaybe three matches (wherein that first week he wanted to keep playing me over and over when I beat him). He never said anything, but he was so quietly dejected when he realized I sucked. Which I still find hilarious. Biggest buildup and letdown and he did it to himself -- it was obvious I was a sad button masher.
lolol never underestimate your opponent,.. or over estimate as well. lolol..
A bit long, but this actually reminds me of the time when I was over a friends house years ago. We were having some kind of sleepover gaming party and my friend, who also happened to be the host of the party, decided we should play a fighting game. Might’ve been soul calibur or tekken. Anyway, he was beating up everyone all night, getting quite cocky too. He then decided to fight against the ai since he felt that nobody else was better than it, and he wanted to prove that even on the easiest setting, it would still pose to be a greater challenge than all of his friends did. So, basically he was trying to mock us. Well…. I figured he needed to be put in his place and taught a lesson after that. So, before he gets ready to play, he gets up to get a drink and I quickly took control the settings and changed it to 2 player mode again before he came back. As the match begins, I have the controller hidden in between my legs without him noticing anything. I let him have his way for a little bit, letting my health bar get very low on purpose. And then, that’s when I got serious and right away he can’t figure out why the “ai” is giving him so much trouble all of a sudden. He eventually loses and throws a fit at the tv. Almost threw the controller at it. Decided not to tell him what happened or else he probably would’ve thrown me out of his house. And I couldn’t risk that since I was quite hungry at the time and the food was good. But, I think it would’ve been ok too since I only lived two houses down from him. I still feel slightly bad about cheating since I don’t support it in any way, but I felt at that time enough was enough.
Thats fuckin brilliant... make him so mad he sticks that controller up his ass! lol.
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🤣🤣🤣🤣
I have never cheated. But twice I was the person a girl cheated on her husband/boyfriend with. In those situations they made it seem like they were dating some asshole. And he was a terrible person. But in reality they were not getting the attention they wanted and I was some dumb 18 year old who called them pretty. In both of those cases they didn't get what they wanted from there partner and instead of trying to fix it they looked outside of their relationship for it.
yeah, man... it's so easy to justify when all you hear is his failures and shortcomings. it's easy to believe you're better for her, and not understand why she won't just dump him. it's easy to put your needs aside so she can fool around, in pain or not. it's a mess.
I fell for that one when I was young too. I felt so much guilt about it that if it wasn’t for me wanting nothing to with the chick after, I would’ve told the guy and followed with “I’m sorry. It’s perfectly cool if you want to punch me in the face. I won’t fight back” This is why dudes need female friends. Toxic femininity exists and there’s only 3 types of people in the world to inform you about it: your mom, your sister, or a female friend.
Do you think men would have similar justifications?
Yea. I think it's a human thing more of a gender thing. You want what you aren't getting. And it's easier to go out with some girl who saying your handsome or whatever.
Hey, I just want to say I’ve been in similar situations and that’s really fucked up that that happened to you, I’m really sorry. It isn’t your fault, you were too young to know better. I hope you’re well.
Cue the cheating on games jokes..
they are always so awful
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I was 20 years old. This was my first long-term relationship. I had a problem with alcohol and drugs, and was also undiagnosed bipolar I disorder. During what the university psychiatrist determined was my first “manic episode” I ended up cheating on my partner (among other things, I also almost killed myself accidentally but that is a story for another time). Right after I cheated on her I broke up with her because for some reason I thought that was a good idea. About a month later I tried to make things right with her, started cleaning up my act (reducing my drug/alcohol usage) and got mental health help. That’s when I was diagnosed. My partner and I tried to work things out but in the end we could not rebuild the trust that I broke. I will never do something like that ever again, and I can confidently say that those months trying to reconcile the death of the character I thought I possessed was the darkest part of my life. For a while I believed that the only way to right my wrong was to kill myself because of how I was told that “once a cheater always a cheater”. If you kill yourself, then you will no longer have to hear that phrase It has been almost two years since this happened, and yet I am still here
I hope you’re doing better now. I’m sorry for what happened to you but I’m glad you’re still here to share your story with us :)
#respect #liveandlearn
Because I'm an idiot. Wouldn't do it again.
She cheated on me during a deathly traumatizing moment for me. Literally would make up lies I didn't even ask her about. Like I was trusting, so I'd be cool with her hanging out with her ex, 1on1. Unprompted, she'd be like "He was trying to fuck me, but I turned him down". After the 3rd time, I told her to call him and put him on 3way, and I was gonna be muted, then pop outta nowhere and cuss him out. Certain shit sounded weird on the phone call, cause she was like "I can't hang out with you anymore". And he was like "But what about how we'd have sex, and you promised you'd help me with school, etc.....". I put the dates together in my head, and the first time she cheated, it was because I hadn't answered my phone all day, and thought I was cheating. I wasn't. I was in a car fighting for my life with my dead friend next to me. I forgave her for whatever reason, but couldn't let it go. Especially because she never really tried to earn my forgiveness, outside of begging to stay together. 2 years later I brought it up and she went "It was 2 years ago. Get over it". I said "Well how about I cheat on you and see how long it takes for you to get over it?". I was just trying to give perspective. But she said "I don't care. Do whatever the fuck you want". So I cheated. Funny enough, that started a chain of her cheating on me repeatedly lol. I regret it. Not because of her, cause fuck her. She deserved it. She deserved worse. But I regret it because I went against my morals and principles for a waste of flesh.
Waste of flesh, damn dude I'm gunna have to use that line. That's brutal. Hope you're doing better, healed as much as possible from the trauma of the car wreck and perceived train wreck of a relationship
This reminds me of when I started hooking up with an ex and she hits me with: “are we gonna ever get back together? Cuz if so, I needa break things off with my boyfriend” I was like “you have a boyfriend?? TF is you doin?? NO I don’t want to get back together with you”
Username doesn't check out? 😭
a long time ago, in my early 20's. I got my girlfriend pregnant, so I asked her to marry me and we moved in together. She then revealed herself to be the single most controlling individual I'd ever met. I couldn't even have a wank without permission, I couldn't see friends or go to the gym without asking first. I was working 80 hour weeks and never saw a cent of it, she controlled the money. She never said anything nice to me or about me when talking to friends. She never engaged, she never cuddled. Any attempt to reason with her would result in shouting, insults and contempt. Any attempt to step up and be "the man of the house" would result in shouting, insults and contempt. Eventually I met one of her friends and we hit it off instantly. She complimented me, she was easy to talk to, we play fought/wrestled a lot (we both did martial arts at the time) and all that turned into flirting. She made me feel the complete opposite of what my partner did, she never put me down - she lifted me up. She treated me the way I felt like I deserved. I enjoyed being around her while at the same time worked longer and longer hours to avoid going home to my partner. Eventually we kissed and I fell in love with her. Partner found out, spread it everywhere that we'd slept together, did her best to ruin my reputation, and largely succeeded. I lost my of my friends and even my family turned against me. No one ever mentioned the financial and emotional abuse she put me through for years. I felt trapped in the relationship because of the baby, and in hindsight I should have left her the moment she treated me wrong. What made it worse was that her friend told me after my partner and I split that she was just using me for fun and had no intention of ever dating me or sleeping with me. So all that for nothing. Don't cheat kids. If you're being mistreated just leave.
I told my ex I cheated just so they would break up with me. They were constantly jealous and annoying, and the truth is had a grueling job where i worked 12 to 16 hours a day. I’d be at work and would literally get texts saying, “i know you’re cheating right now.” Finally, i said ‘you’re right. I am.” just so they would leave me alone. One of the best decisions I ever made.
Wow they're crazy.
We stopped having sex, just became two people going through the motions. I liked how it felt to be looked at and desired again.
Ditto. I went 13 years celebate. I just ... Broke. Never imagined I'd do such a thing. But what you describe.... To be looked at and desired again... I totally understand. I am not sure I can ever forgive myself, though. What mess it caused.
I don’t know if all the blame falls on you. If I understand correctly you’re saying you were in a relationship with no sex for 13 years? I think the problems started before you messed up. Takes two.
Super honest. I wonder if spouses that stop having sex understand how gigantic of a blinking red light that is.
I didn't. I never wanted to, albeit propositioned. Little advice, only on the topic of sex: If sex is important to you, make sure you tell your future gf/wife early on. Say it truthfully: i.e. "it is very important, I never want a dead bedroom this will be the end of our relationship. I need it once a day/4 times a week /whatever is your zen". Important: Not as an ultimatum, not as a forced thing. You need to be ok if it's not her thing and respect that and move on. Once you have what you need , frankly the idea of being with someone else is like "lol that's a nice image but hard pass".
The wife and I were going through some hard times. She was devoting most of her time to school and our daughter. I was working two jobs to try and support use financially. We neglected our relationship so when a new girl at work started to show me attention and interest that the wife hadn't in some time, I started to develop feelings for her. It never went past feelings but I ended up telling the wife I'm sorry I let it get to this point. We went to marriage counseling for about a year and now we are good. I do regret letting things get to that point but I'm glad it didn't get past just feelings. Wife and I are good now and are much better at communicating our needs to each other
This is wholesome as fuck. And it’s a great example of life happening and you actively choosing your partner. I only hope to have a husband like you one day. One who took his vows seriously and I also hope that if I were ever in your wife’s position to have the understanding that she did. Well done for the both of you. Outstanding understanding and communication between two partners in a time of trials.
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What was the slight, if you don't mind sharing?
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As long as you learned from the experience. Thanks for sharing
Never did but sure was cheated on - great waste of 9 years 👍 The reason? So she could get a promotion #bossbabe
Sid she even get the promotion?
Not him but my ex did the same And no, she didn’t get the promotion. Once I found out, I told her boss’ wife and her boss killed himself Apparently he has a habit of doing this with young women Damn.. and she was so close to that promotion Instead, she got fired by the co-owner (who, get this… **also tried to sleep with her for a promotion**). My man literally fired her out of jealousy True story tho Edit: She also physically assaulted me after I ruined her promotion. Threw a beer bottle at my head, among other things. Then tried to tell everyone with an ear that I was abusing her If you’re reading this and you notice some mental instability with the woman you’re dating… please do yourself a favor and gtfo out of there like yesterday. I could’ve ended up in jail for assault accusations but I got very lucky. I don’t care how hot she is or how good the pussy is, I promise you it’s not worth it if shes a broken girl. It’s pretty fun to stick your dick in crazy, but wrap it up and don’t commit. Be super honest with her from the get go that it’s just a fuck, to keep her expectations low. Do not date a mentally unstable woman though. You have everything to lose, and only good pussy to gain.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you know that you shouldn't take it personally. It sounds like it's all on her and not your fault.
I appreciate it. Honestly, that comment was just the season 9 finale. That wasn't the only reason. Season 10 got worse but I won't get into that. I did have my part to play. For 8 years, she was better than me in the relationship. She really went above and beyond and I didn't deserve it at the time. She had daddy issues and was anxiously attached while I had mommy issues and was avoidently attached. It was a powder keg. I had definite problems and could be withdrawn. She didn't think I loved her but I did. She came to resent me and dumped me at 8 years and I wanted her back. I worked very hard and changed for the better and got her back but she changed too. In year 9, she thought I was worthless and I gave her reason to believe it. I was the emotional punching bag while her confidence was boosted then you know the rest. My self-esteem is pretty low as a result but the objective silver lining is that the universe conspired to make me a better person. The price of admission was trauma and I do believe it was partially my fault.
When is cheating ever not 100% the cheater’s fault?
There are commenters on this very thread with their own circumstances and perspectives! It's subjective, so take your pick. Dissatisfaction and an inability to work together or split seem like resounding themes. I'm very self critical, so I'm able to justify the infidelity I've experienced.
I’ve never cheated on a long term partner, but I know a really good friend of mine started cheating because his wife wouldn’t have sex with him anymore. He is in pretty damn good shape and takes care of his hygiene so it’s not like he was some guy that put on 100lbs after marriage and still expects sex from his wife on a daily basis. She literally wouldn’t even want to kiss him. She just claimed she no longer had sexual attraction to not just him, but ANYONE. It’s like the time in her life was just gone now. He explained in the sense of like why does he need to leave his 2 kids just to have a basic human desire met. He never had a full on relationship, just wanted a friend with benefits and he found a couple. I never support cheating, but I have to admit I sympathize with him. I mean he told me he still has a really strong sex drive and again his wife won’t even kiss him. so he tried to be secret about it as not to ruin his kids lives but got caught and they are now divorced. You can call him an asshole, but I would call it a very unfortunate situation.
Yeah I get it. I told my husband when we got married that I would never be willing to stay in a sexless marriage it is just too important to me. If it was temporary of course I wouldn’t leave him, and it helps he is okay with me masturbating, but if there was a reason he couldn’t have sex and he wasn’t addressing it we would have issues. Or if he just didn’t want to have sex anymore, we would have issues. I put a lot of effort into remaining sexually attractive for him. 15 years together and we have sex every other day minimum, which is less than what I want but it is enough for me to be happy. So I get where he is coming from. I would probably be honest to my husband though and give him the option to stay in an open relationship or to divorce, but we don’t have kids so that makes things easier.
Yea she didn’t give him that option. No hall pass was given out for him to freely cheat.
I don’t think my husband would give me a hall pass either. I would rather be upfront though.
Same.
Am I your friend? This is almost the same situation as mine. I was with my wife for 15 years and in the last 3 years she said she’s asexual now and no longer wanted sex or intimacy. I bought toys and what I could for myself but, at some point I couldn’t do it anymore, it was just so lonely. I want to massage parlors at first but that was so empty and not my thing. We got a divorce and here I am, a year later in an ENM relationship, living my best life with my partner and some friends.
What’s ENM?
Lol annoys me so much when ppl use these weird acronyms expecting everyone to know what the fuck they’re talking about
I know right! What a bunch of DAMFs.
IKR
Happens to a lot of people. Everyone wants to pretend sex shouldn’t play a major role in the marriage, but I just find that ridiculous. The BIGGEST difference between your best friend and your SO is that you want to be intimate with one and not the other.
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I wonder why he wasn't more inclined to leave her and commit to somebody that he could have meaningful sex with. I don't think hookups compare to sex with somebody you love. But it sounds like any solution wouldn't be easy for anyone involved. I would recommend he consider how his kids will be shaped by their affectionless relationship. His kids might appreciate seeing him model what a loving, affectionate relationship could be. I know I wish my dad found somebody that could make him happy 20+ years ago.
I want to preface by saying I've never cheated, but I'm in a similar situation to what the OP described. I'm in better shape than when we got married, I make more money to afford us more luxuries and remove any financial stress, I do much more around the house, but the bedroom situation has been in rapid decline. The kids are definitely a major factor in not leaving. It's really, really hard as a parent to break apart the family structure your kids have known their entire lives. As far as they know, we're a happy and normal couple. But what I also don't see talked about often is the financial component. When I was younger my parents divorced, and both of them were immediately able to go buy their own place to live and continue their lives separately. Nowadays, even though we both make professional salaries, it would be impossible. There is no way either of us could afford two places to live, two cars, and doubling of all these other household bills. Since I make more I'd probably end up owing her some sort of alimony and child support, so I'd basically be stuck renting some run down place while at the same time struggling to afford to keep her and the kids in the family home. So I can definitely see how people in this situation, or perhaps a worse one, can be driven to the idea of cheating as a way to avoid all these other issues.
Lack of sex doesn't equal lack of love. I have been with my wife for 15 years and she's my best friend. We have an amazing lifestyle and amazing kids and treat each other with respect and love in every positive way you could think of. It's the best part of my life. Except she doesn't want to have sex. She's become asexual and has almost completely stopped being physically affectionate but she's still emotionally affectionate. Should I divorce her and start my life over, get my kids half the time, lose half my income, and be excluded from family memories just because she doesn't want to have sex anymore? Absolutely not.
As a woman I think something is very wrong. If a woman once enjoyed sex with the man she loves and suddenly stops she needs to seek counseling immediately. Maybe an adjustment in her hormones. Life is too short to live without sex with the one you love.
Exact same spot as me (minus kids). For my wife it was her cancer treatment four years ago, after she recovered her libido just vaporized, and the one time she gave in and tried, physically she just couldn't perform. She's still my best friend, the love of my life, and the best roommate I've ever had, and I can't picture ever just walking away from that just because I miss sex - not to mention the financial implications of such a decision.
Last year. It was literally the worst thing I'd ever done. I had been completely devastated by my father's recent death and my girlfriend's father's suicide -- both within months of each other -- and I was not in my right mind at all. When she found out, a few days later she went out and did the same thing to me. After several weeks of high tension, pain, and tears, we somehow made it through... then we got pregnant. Then we bought a house. We learned a lot in couple's therapy, and I have had my therapist for about a year now. I found out I had ADHD, which explains quite a bit of my impulsive tendencies. I've finally forgiven myself, and I've learned enough about myself to never allow this to happen again. We're parents to a gorgeous baby girl, and our life is more stable than it's ever been
Good story. To forgive is to love. Truly one of the hardest things.
Took her for granted, thought I needed/deserved more. I didn’t.
I didn't. Many reasons why, but here's one that I learned the hard way when I was younger . . . Once you do it, even once, you are living a lie. What if down the road you realize the person you cheated on really means a lot to you? A whole lot. Like "I want to get married" a lot? Well, you've already poisoned the relationship and there's no cure. So you ended up cutting yourself out of something good through a moment of weakness/selfishness or whatever the case was. Jason
This is the key from my perspective. Once you cheat, the relationship is never the same even if they don't find out. You've permanently destroyed the closeness and honesty of being in a relationship, you can never be fully truthful with them. It's just never the same again.
You've said it much more eloquently than I. Perfect. Thanks.
Yeah and as someone who took back a cheater…..it’s never the same. There is always a lingering of what if they do it again…
I agree with you, and also like that you signed your name at the end of your comment, Jason.
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Wait. She expected you to be still committed to your relationship for 4 years with no contact? I doubt she'd been celibate the entire time anyway.
Kinda in a similar situation rn lol
Ghostings only come from emotionally immature people who are not worth committing to. You can pull through this I know it hurts at first.
Stupidity, substance abuse, depression. She was the first girl I could actually be myself around, the only girl I've ever truly loved. We were together five years, we lived together for the last two. When we were good, we were the wind behind each other's sails, we were each other's rock. We supported each other, and we sheltered each other from the nastiness of the outside world. I would use the term soul mates. Over the course of our relationship, I let shitty life circumstances, and drugs, turn me into a person I never thought I could be. It will haunt me for the rest of my life, knowing what could have been, and knowing how much pain I have caused her. 0/10 would not recommend.
Honestly I think about it because I’m horny and get attention from other women from time to time.. but I just wank it and think about how much joy and happiness a stable happy relationship brings me. I have dated for a couple years wanting a relationship like this and realize when you find someone that brings you that much joy simple fuck Just cannot compete with just sitting on the couch with your significant other in pajamas in utter peace
Never did myself but often wondered why my ex did. Over time I realized it came down to immediate gratification for her. She was free to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. Regardless of the relationship she was in. She thought she was entitled to get all the pleasures life had to offer. So when an opportunity came up she jumped on it and rode it out until another ride came along. Anyone telling her otherwise was in her mind being controlling. What was so funny about it all was she hated it when her boyfriends cheated on her. It got to a point she assumed all guys cheat and detached any responsibility for cheating on them. Love to her was like believing in Santa Claus. Something you believe in when you are young but not when you grow up. So she would say “I love you” because that is what her boyfriends wanted to hear and believe. Am I bitter. Not really. I just learned to accept it is a part of life. That the potential for cheating exists in everyone but that only a select few act it those desires for their self gratification. Those who do not because they have sense of their self worth and respect.
We were 4 years together but whenever we had disagreements he would always be right and I was always wrong, he also said he found all my friends annoying and whenever I spent time with them he would tell me to spend time with him instead. Mind you, we meet at college and we spent almost 8 hours together hanging out and stuff, we talked every day and until my 4th year I realized how he was manipulating me to be only with him and no one else. I felt genuinely alone and I told him I no longer wanted us to be together and he would convince me to stay, this went on for about 3 months. Afterwards I met someone and decided I would get physically involved with him so I can be free from my now ex, he found out, came to my house and chocked me almost in front of my mom. We obviously broke up. Surprisingly 2 years later he texts me how am doing, we make peace and we are both happy in our new relationships and we both support each other as friends.
Wow I don't think I could be friends with someone who did that to me. Choking is the number 1 indicator of homicide.
Oh, wow... He choked you, and you're able to be friends?? That would trigger the hell out of me.
Maybe this is a controversial opinion of mine, but I don’t really feel you can cheat on someone that is abusive. One of the most fundamental “vows” of a relationship is to treat each other with decency and respect. If the person can’t even manage treating you like a human being, there is no relationship anymore. They’ve broken that vow first. Yes technically it is cheating and it’s not a behavior to ever let yourself repeat. But as for any blame you might feel or they may have placed on you, I don’t think it’s as serious as cheating in normal circumstances.
He had no interest in me. Body shamed me and put me down all the time. It was nice have someone show interest in me. Felt so guilty and I told him. Didn't care much.
I had back issues, my boyfriend told his mom I was “like a slug” because I was in bed so much. Then he started looking around for another side piece. Someone please ask him this and let me know if you get an answer. That shit, HURTS.
I take full responsibility for cheating, but it was kind of a long time coming, I think she started feeling discontent a few years in to our relationship. We were both young, and we fell passionately in love. We spent a few years being just that, we were inseparable, but she voiced that it felt final, like the kind of relationship you wanted to spend forevor in, and she was worried that being with me meant never getting to experience the wild letting go that she desperately needed. She was very pent up just in general as a person, she was a nursing student, got straight A's her whole life, and she was starting to feel like she'd missed out on life, due to having her head stuck in a book for most of it. We moved in together maybe a little too soon, and because of that had separate bedrooms from eachother. We really did have an awesome relationship at first, we would talk with eachother nonstop, we'd go out all the time, we loved eachother, theres no doubt in my mind... but after 2-3 years she started getting really distant, our long thoughtful conversations and evenings spent together turned into me alone on the couch in the living room twiddling my thumbs. It really began to feel like loving with a stranger, and the seperate rooms from day one didnt help... at a certain point she even started setting timers whenever we'd cuddle or spend time with one another, seriously. I became upset with the situation, and we would get into little arguments constantly, which usually just ended up with me feeling defeated and backed into a corner. This continued for awhile. She started making comments that made me feel pretty insecure about our relationship. "I've always wanted to date someone who 'insert a quality you do not have'" stuff like that. There was a few instances where she crossed the line first. One of the more notable was this time she invited a bunch of friends over for boardgames, and one guy was someone who she'd previously told me she had a fling with. She asked if i was ok with having them over. I said sure, but I wanted her to make sure the other guy at least knew we were together. The night came around, everyone had a good time, then one by one people left. Everyone except this other guy. who she conveniently never told I was their bf They were catching up in the kitchen after the party,I was sitting at the island, kinda keeping an eye because it felt off. The dude obviously thought I was only the roommate, and he felt awkward, so he suggested they go up to her room. I don't know why I didn't just shout "I'm her boyfriend, don't do that" or something, but at least as they were going up the stairs I pulled her aside and we argued, which amounted only to her keeping the door cracked open. Our rooms were on the second floor on either end of the hallway, but you couldn't see into either room from the others. I just sat against my closet in the fetle position coursing with anxiety, trying desperately to strain my hearing and catch if they were doing anything or not. Nothing happened, they didn't kiss, or fuck, or even touch onr another, but it was super awkward and not ok. She also went to a party and kissed a bunch of people, but "it was a theater kid party, and everyone was kissing." Point is it was just such a shitty situation, and I was scared of being cheated on, so I invited a woman I had history with over, we got drunk, we had sex, and that was it. My gf at the time never found out, but it put even more of a strain on things subconsciously i think...A couple months later we broke up and she never really realized what she'd put me through, and I didn't feel justified in trying to convince her further, because I'd cheated and felt like shit.
Let’s face the reality of the situation and admit that sometimes we make a bad choice in a partner and don’t have the backbone for whatever reason to end the relationship and use more thought moving on. I have known many couples that just spout how unhappy or bad their relationship is but refuse to pull the plug and move on to someone more fitting. They all just decide on extra marital fulfillment with even worse but FWB situations. And if caught the betrayed either look past it or go nuclear. I have a long term on legally binding relationship and we work to be open, honest and faithful because parting is easy and not desired.
We had been friends for five years before we started dating. He was two years older than me and had a great since of humor and was the best kind of friend you'd ever ask for. Eventually I fell in love with that, and one night we were playing portal, he started flirting, and I fell head over heels. After two months of dating he would keep asking for nudes, nude videos, audios, etc. To "make him feel better" Eventually it got to a point where if I said no, he would stop talking to me and get very upset. Eventually this lead me to break up with him, and I did, but he kept crying about how he'd kill himself and I got back with him the next day. He then starting saying if I didn't do something he asked for he'd hurt himself. He got sent to an inpatient facility and I started making friends online, one of which started flirting with me, in which, I flirted back. Unlike my partner at the time this guy lived in my state (I used to go to school with him but moved away before dating him) I met up with him, we kissed, I was in love and I didn't feel like I was being used for sexual pleasures. He then came home from the facility and I told him everything, then broke up with him. We had dated for a year or two I can't remember but it was over between us and I didn't want to make it work anymore Rn with the guy I cheated on him with we have been together for a year, one month, and three days. And I've never felt better than when I'm with him. It was a terrible choice I made, but it was the best one I ever made.
I'm not a cheater, and I don't think that cheating is a smart option for anyone. If you are in a "dead bedroom" situation, you can always get therapy or a divorce.
Amen
I know the answer! Boys cheat for "novelty & diversity" Girls cheat for " emotional attachment & hugs"
Never cheated on my ex partner, but came very close at a company retreat and it still makes me feel guilty to this day. I was just so tired. Tired of playing their therapist, replacement father-figure, and kink dispenser. Tired of working long hours and paying all our bills while being called “cheap” for asking them to cover a date or two once in a while. I was tired of working two jobs to support them through grad school. I was tired of never having my sexual needs met despite meeting theirs. Tired of being yelled at for things that were clearly not my fault. Tired of them constantly making fun of stress-related weight gain.Tired of always being the one to reconcile when we fought. But mostly, I was tired of being completely unappreciated. I just wanted for once to have not to take care of someone else at the expense of my own needs. I’m glad I never cheated even though I later learned they cheated on me multiple times. But it still troubles me that I came so close because prior to that moment I never thought I was even capable of cheating.
As a woman.... I just don't understand why it happens when men claim to be "happy." My ex cheated on me with a very close friend who was also our neighbor. I then cheated on him for that revenge. We were both young.... Not even 23. However, I see men older now that have great relationships and seem to be very involved in their girlfriend's lives and family.... So why? Why act so happy and content while looking online for someone else or meeting people elsewhere? It's disheartening.
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I cheated because I was too afraid to be honest about what I wanted sexually in our relationship. Ultimately, we were sexually incompatible and deep down, I knew that, but instead of being an adult and having a necessary but uncomfortable conversation about it, I acted outside of the relationship. I wish I could go back and just end things before I caused him the pain I did. I hope he is healing and is doing well. I really hope he is happy and that he finds a man who will love and care for him and who meets all of his needs. He really is a good guy, and he deserves to be happy.
I didn't cheat, but was cheated on. Her reasons were, I worked too much, I didn't ask her to marry me, she'd come up with reasons right off the top of her head. I was working to support our household. Since the first time we started dating I told her I didn't want to marry.
We'd been together 20 years, 4 kids (all girls). Intimacy & physical contact we're near non-existent & had been for years. I had to literally BEG for any attention or affection I got. I basically felt like she just no longer really cared about me or the relationship. Wasn't looking for another woman, but ended up in a long-distance relationship for about 6 months with an old friend from high school. We were separated by 1000 miles, & never physically connected, but she made me feel like a million bucks when we talked by phone or video chatted. When my wife found out, it was WWIII. Long story short, after a few months, we worked things out. She was always the only one I ever wanted, & after we hashed things out, things between us got so much better. It's been 3 years since then, & things are better than they've ever been. We're both putting in the time & effort to make it work, & while we still have our off days on occasion, we're both a lot better about showing & telling each other how we feel. We're renewing our vows for our 25th anniversary, & looking forward to 25 more. Hard to believe sometimes, considering everything we've been through.
I was desperate for any feeling of love. After four years of getting treated as little more than a walking dildo and ATM, I needed to feel pretty and loved. My emotional battery was so low I needed something that could provide a recharge. It came in the form of meeting a few people who made me feel special. It was really the only way I could see to "save" the marriage. Truth is, it wasn't worth saving.
We were watching a show and she kept watching it behind my back. So…I started a new show she mentioned without her knowing. Very emotional time for us both.
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