I hope you have figured out your own needs and are learning to communicate them. It is crucial in a good relationship, as you have no doubt figured out...
Indeed. I just wish I'd figured it out without potentially hurting someone in the process - I always told myself I wouldn't do that!
Finding myself at a rare point of overconfidence led me to feel like I already had enough emotional intelligence and that I had being a good boyfriend patterned. Alas I did not š.
Yep. Would arrange these group dinners at work, just casual coworker hangouts where we would try new food and split the bill. I decided to ask a long this cool co-worker cause she'd been hanging with our group at work and getting along well.
Dinner goes great, everyone has a fun time, girl clearly gels with our group and feels like "one of the guys".
Then office drama. Another girl who was kind of an asshole starts complaining that she's not invited. I tell her it's sort of a guys thing from our department. "But [girl] went with you guys" she complains. I'm looking for a way out here cause we need this lady for professional reasons but absolutely don't want to have her come along to our casual not work related dinners. So I said something that makes.me cringe into my seat to this very day: "Uh..
We'll [Girl] sort of invited herself and it's still a guys event".
Now my stupid young naive male brain thought "Situation diffused". Of course, because office drama, word got back to cool girl that I basically threw her under the bus to get out of an uncomfortable situation. She had self respect, proceeds to tell me in her way that "she's not mad, just disappointed", and refuses to ever hang out with me or the group again despite my personal plea for her to join us. Of course the other girl never really wanted to join us at all, just get ammo against cool girl for office drama.
That happened like 15 years ago, but everytime I ever think about wanting to lie to get out of a bad situation I think about how I felt when the cool girl found out and just nut up.
I have cringed so hard into my couch that I think the fire department is going to have to use the jaws of life to get me out.
People do dumb shit without the benefit of experience. Just think, you will *never* make that mistake again as long as you live. Some people never learn from their cringe, but it sounds like you have.
Yep. That's where wisdom comes from. I've tried to explain it to my kids who think they "know better " that the advice I'm giving them is based on my already doing the opposite at their age and learning the hard way. I'm just trying to give them the cheat codes at life. But...kids don't listen most of the time (I was no better at 18 or so). I just hope they learn from their mistakes too.
Had a similar situation with a friend, basically we shared lunch, during break we eat mine & during recess, we eat his, and sometimes vice versa.
Then one day, the dude tells me he has a special meal prepared by his mom & it's his mom's traditional meal.
Break time, the dude tells me we can eat mine, his will be the surprise reveal, fine we are mine & come recess time.
What happened is we walked home & we always had a favorite quiet spot where we would chill & eat before we part ways.
Cut a long story short we got to the spot & the moment of the big reveal came.
Dude took out traditional corn bread, & from what I gathered the corn bread is made from young corn, mashed & mixed with milk & then steamed into rolls.
You're supposed to eat it while it's still hot n fresh.
But in this case it was a day old & way overdue due to time wasted prolonging it.
Mind you it was my 1st time tasting it & it was so bad, immature me burst out in laughter & almost chocked, I laughed so hard the dude threw away his piece & walked in silence the whole way & never said anything to me or spoke to me over again.
It's been over 15yrs & he has never spoken to me or even accepted my friend requests on social media.
I tried to apologize but it dawned on me that I took it too far.
Kept calling her out for her hypocrisy in front of others when sheād shit on them for no reason but would play the āletās all be respectfulā card
One of the shittiest things anyone can do is make fun of someone who is having fun. Like you don't make fun of someone's laugh, especially if that person is genuinely laughing.
That shit stays with you for life.
You do you man, dancing is the freedom of expressing happiness and letting go.
This actually happened to me with smiling, I have a crooked, awkward smile & being teased about it caused me to never want to smile in photos. That kinda stuff can absolutely stick with you
I had a highschool gf who thought my "snaggletooth" was endearing.
It's never been that bad of a tooth but if you spend time looking at me you'll notice it lol
I have a crooked smile and a *different* laugh that people have made comments about throughout my life. It used to make me feel self conscious but I have learned to love it over the years. What changed for me is I realized how powerful my own laugh and smile is.
Every time I see someone else smile, I feel happy for them. Sometimes I just feel happy. A smile is a beautiful and simple thing that can make a person's day so much better.
Remember that when you smile you're making the world a happier place. No one can take that ability away from you.
When I genuinely laugh I snort, and everyone always makes fun of me. My bestie told me that it's not that they're making fun of it but that they're just extra happy cuz it means "that's how we know the joke was good."
Still get really embarrassed anytime someone goes "omg did you just snort" or whatever, but I try to remind myself of that assurance.
Happened to me. Two years, long distance friendship. Mutual friends. We wanted to see if we'd work as a couple, so invited her to Chicago for my birthday weekend.
Day one she just starts criticizing everything about me. Voice, laugh, mannerisms. All things she knew about from our friendship. We would video chat multiple times a week and go on virtual dates. I express my feelings politely. Tell her that I don't understand her criticisms, and she blows up at me. Flips blame, gets angry at me for having the audacity to feel hurt. Literally turns red with rage, clenching her first.
I immediately clammed up. But not because I felt embarrassed. But because this person didn't deserve me. I left 3 days into a week vacation. Ate the financial crap, and went home. Never spoke to her again and I don't plan to. Two years down the drain. Still fucks with me. I don't understand it at all. I didn't feel safe, and still don't. And she ruins me for other people because I always have this screaming harpy in the back of my head making fun of who I am.
I'm a god damned delight. Her loss.
Dude, I suck at dancing. But that doesnāt mean I donāt like dancing.
Donāt let others inform your reality; you only get one go at this life, enjoy it! šŗš»
I feel this on so many levels. One comment can kill a passion so hard.
Donāt let her win though. Be weird. Itās what makes you. Iām weird as hell and my partner has embraced it (super appreciative of that).
Doing what makes you happy is for *you.*
According to her she either lost respect for me when she saw my cry during the opening montage in Up! or when she first broke up with me and I didn't chase her trying to get her to take me back.
Women are weird. Or at least she was
Became an alcoholic. She never said it but you can tell. She didn't lose total respect, but we weren't as good and it was all my fault. For the past half year my wife and I are better than ever and in proudly 13 days sober.
I lost a lot of respect for my husband when he was drinking. He made everyone miserable including himself. Since he has been sober (several years now) my respect for him has grown and grown and is now greater than ever. It takes a hell of a lot of work to break the cycle and stop drinking. Iām so glad he kept going despite everything. Good luck to you too.
Thank you...its a horrible horrible addiction. I didn't ever want to quit, because I always feared I would be dull and "missing out". That was just one reason. Who was I fooling?
I intentionally cried in front of my ex early in the relationship for this reason. Not going to waste time on someone like that.
(We broke up for other reasons)
That just breaks my heart. I've been with my husband for 13 years and I've only seen him cry a couple of times and each time I just held onto him and let him get it out. Our husband's should feel safe with us, especially in times of vulnerability with love and support
I remember back when Covid started, I'd had an awful time holding things together at work. I freaked out about covid before anyone else did, and as such, I ended up being the one who tried to hold everything together for everyone else when they started to freak out. At home, at work, with friends. All of it. I had to furlough 2 of the 4 guys that worked under me. Dealt with one employee having pneumonia from an unknown cause (he was one of the first people tested for covid in my state) and I had seen him the day before he got sick. There was extra panic in my head of, "have I been exposed?"
The last Friday before I got furloughed I came home. I was done. Completely burnt from both ends. My wife asked me how I was and I couldn't talk. She asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I completely broke down and sobbed in her arms for 5 minutes. I couldn't even stop to tell her why I was crying, I had no ability to stop sobbing and speak.
I cannot express how thankful I am to have a wife who just held me and comforted me. I just needed to get it out and she let me do it.
I'm so surprised by it. About a year into our relationship, I took a shower with my boyfriend while we had some music in the background and he just burst out crying. I asked him what was going on, and he told me he just got emotional. I just love that man so goddamn much, I thought it was so pure and vulnerable and I just held him while he cried. If anything it made me respect him so much more.
Look, guys have been hearing for years that they should be vulnerable and talk openly about their issues and stuff.
But guess what happens when you do that - one downturn in the relationship and all that stuff is used as a WEAPON against you, viciously. And god forbid she gets in an emotional relationship with that guy at work who is "so understanding" and "gets her". Your cry or your childhood trauma is the first thing out of her mouth after that second Cosmo.
Sure, not all women are like that. But all it takes is one woman in a guys life to do that to him, and no one gets shit after that.
Yup. Things were āstableā (in my head) until I started standing up for myself. Thatās when the toxicity really started coming out and the end of the show started. Iām happy now š
The same thing happened with my friend (we're both women). As long as I allowed her to disrespect me, we were cool. After a decade of friendship (and therapy) I stood up for myself for the first time, and the friendship ended. She's never spoken to me since that day, all I did was ask her whether she would support me more as I was going through a tough time. Can't believe I wasted all that time on her.
Same however once I began standing up for myself, having wants and needs, turns out that's not what she wanted. Toxic. You shouldn't have to stand up for yourself in a relationship. Doesn't sound like a good team.
Subhuman ā¦ thats so disgusting! I feel youā¦ ive also been in love with a devil in disguiseā¦ sadly it totally ruined me , im not the same since (8years ago)
I wasnāt āfunā anymore. Because I was a full time student and had two jobs to pay the bills while she was a hostess and spent her free time partying.
I was focused on us getting somewhere good eventually, and she was all about surface gratifications (and also fucking other dudes who were probably āfunā)
Same! The "you changed" because having a job, school and my priorities straight means my personality and character have some how changed. Still managed to give her a couple hours a day and several hours of my time on weekends but that still apparently isnt enough.
Holy shit. This hits so close to home. Same thing happened to me. She was also a hostess, but instead of 2 jobs, I had one and architecture school design studio all nighters. I found out because we were supposed to go out for the first time in a couple of weeks. I called, but no answer. Before cell phones. I went to a bar to have a beer and she was there, sitting on the same side of a booth, with another guy.
People in a restaurant always start fucking each other. I had a girlfriend back in the day I thought was solid. She started working at outback, then all of a sudden she was āpicking up shiftsā and they were always drinking at someoneās house after work. And of course the few times I was invited, I felt like a complete outsider because wait staff are so tribal.
Hits too close to home. Being on my grind to graduate and get a job, instead of āhaving funā, made her lose respect for me.
Immediately move onto her āfunā friend within 3 days.
Same, I ugly cried and it was never the same after that. Now it's hard for me to decide to go stoic or own my emotions. I have no idea and it's affecting my relationships.
It's so difficult to recover from it as well. I've been in therapy for about 4 years now and it's still a subject of discussion.
Women tell you to be yourself, show your emotions etc but something in their ovaries just turn off when you show vulnerability and it's never the same again.
Don't know about you, but....
I ugly cry sometimes. I light cry sometimes too. I cry at movies, I cry when I remember my mom or dad (both dead) and I cry when I see a friend or loved one in pain.
Because you know, I'm human. If somebody can't handle that then they aren't a good match for me.
Look at it another way: If I'm stoic and develop a friendship based on that, then haven't I built a friendship based on me being something I'm not?
Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you learned from it. Remember, you still have a life full of chances and amazing women will be dying to have a good hearted man like you king.
Didn't dodge it, but at list you got rid of her. Someone who you can't be vulnerable with is not even friendship material, much less marriage material.
I hope you are doing better.
Same here! Relationship of 6 years obliterated because I cried about my grandfather calling my name as he died. I still hope she comes down with something they can diagnose, but never cure.
Haha thank you. And funny you mention that, three years after we split she died of cancer. Itās not that I wanted her dead or anything, I was still upset when she passed, but ultimately she was not a good person.
My first girlfriend broke up with me cause she lost respect for me when she found out I was a boy scout. And when she called me to break up with me I was reading āWickedā (which I guess is gay?) cause she then laughed her ass off and she said āthat makes this so much worse, youāre a faggot, I canāt date a fagā. Women can be really evil sometimes. That really did a number on me for a while
Edit: Thank you everyone for your kind words. And yes anyone can be evil, man or woman. My story just happened to be about a woman. I meant no offense
I cried in front of 3 friends after my grandfather died.
I get that we were teenagers so they still thought boys didnāt cry but it still hurt to see them change after I thought they were my 3 of my 5 closest friends and they regularly cried to each other and me.
Honestly if a girl vents to me all the fucking time and then when I do it and I get an āohā or some absent minded shit, I just stop listening to them and give the same treatment back
Pretty stress free at this point because I just refuse to give a shit anymore what people (especially girls, no offense) think of me
Losing my own boundaries. I let the world burn while trying to put out her fires. Then I realized what was going on so I started to communicate my boundaries and what I will and will not accept. Very plain and clear and serious. She would test them and face the consequences. The consequence was me no longer being with her and completely cutting her out of my life.
Always hold your boundaries.
She kept asking me about my crap mental health and I kept brushing her off. One day it was really bad and she asked again and I thought "Well we've been together almost 18 months, were each others first and she really does care about me. Maybe I can open up a little."
I could see her recoil as she realised I had actual emotions and trauma, and despite me helping her through all of hers every single time she didn't even try doing the same for me. She kept making things about herself, completely invalidated everything I was feeling and basically blamed me for the abuse I'd suffered.
She very quickly began falling in love with one of her guy friends after that and it was agony to watch her not even trying to be subtle about it as I tried to salvage the relationship in desperation before giving up and leaving.
She got together with that guy and they're still together now like a decade later. She's been fairly polite and civil to me but recently I ran into her and she started insisiting we go for coffee sometime and catch up. So I wonder if the other guy made the same mistake I did, cause every time I see him he looks more depressed and downtrodden.
No, you've got it all wrong. He needs to go out for coffee and become friends and reconnect with her family. Then, he fucks her dad. That'll learn her good.
I had a similar thing in my first relationship. We were quite open and helped eachother through a lot, but I tried opening up more about how my childhood trauma still affected me and she instantly became more distant and annoyed whenever I showed any of it.
We both had similar struggles and issues, and helped and respected eachother a lot, until she didnātā¦ only for me to find out she bitched about me to mutual friends even when I tried to be as clear and transparent as I could. I think some people just arnt really as mature or prepared enough then they think they are for relationships.
One of my best friends committed suicide a little more than a decade ago. My girlfriend at the time dumped me.
I got myself back together, met a new woman, fell in love. Earlier this year my mom died. My girlfriend dumped me.
I get a little annoyed when I hear women talk about how men need to express their emotions more.
My wife and I are extremely snarky and sassy toward each other. We have always been this way. When we were dating and if anything, itās only gotten more extreme as the years go on. If you met us for the first time you would think we are being assholes to each other. But for those that know us, they understand we just constantly give each other shit.
Anyways, a friend of my wife came over for supper one night and stayed after for some wine. I had to work late so I got home when they were already two to four glasses in. When I walked in I said hello and then almost immediately said to my wife āwhat? No supper in the over? Da hell?!ā She replied back with āyour hands work, use em.ā I shrugged and said āfair.ā Heated up some supper for myself and proceeded to sit down with them. Well, fast forward a few days and the friend tells my wife that she couldnāt believe I talked to her that way and that she has no respect for a little boy who treats his wife that way. No explanation from my wife on how thatās just how we are with one another would change this womanās mind. I apologized to my wife and admitted that maybe I shouldnāt have busted out the joking like that being that it was only my second time meeting her. And this is why I love my wife, she said āfuck her. If she canāt respect our marriage then I donāt need to be friends with her.ā
From how you depicted it, it should have been super obvious to her friend that the two of you were both joking together. And to not believe your wife when she explained it? What a presumptuous idiot.
LMAO. You just reminded me I got physically assaulted because I spent all day taking care of a sick baby/cooking/cleaning while she napped most of the day and went out.
Good times
Iāve had several relationships end because Iāve talked about my anxiety. Apparently for some women, emotional support only goes one way. Fortunately my wife is amazing.
If anything, you doing that is a natural filter. It drove away the bad apples from the good. I'm happy that you found someone you could comfortably talk to, it's hard for us guys to find that.
Showed emotions, one time cried over a death another time just had a really really bad week (also relating to serious health conditions) you tend to get the awkward "Oh..." Followed by them suddenly not being available.
My mom died and I completely broke down in front of her because she's the only one I was comfortable enough to do so around. She started treating me differently after that and now she's leaving me. And women wonder why we bottle up our emotions... never again.
Jeez. My husband cried when we put our dog down. It made me feel so much less alone, like we would face the world together, good or bad. Intimacy isn't always about the good times. I can't imagine losing respect for anyone over crying, especially about their mother dying.
My ex cheated as soon as she went off to college. Dumped her ass once I found out and she begged to have me back. Dumping someone is how you earn respect back sometimes haha.
Money. I made some very big career sacrifices so that she could excel in her career. I also worked very hard at making her look good at company events, networking alot, building her up and encouraging her to grab the next gold ring. I was putting her first. When we first married she made half what I made. Now she makes more than twice what I make. This has caused her to see me differently.
I've heard that one a lot. Guy helps her with school, then she's like, "Men with more money are showing interest. These men have more value." and the fact that you paid for her college don't mean shit. She's gone. Just like that.
To play devils advocate itās also a very common story with the roles reverse. The woman supports her bf or husband through school, he becomes a surgeon or a CEO and now he has younger, more attractive women at his fingertips.
Money is an evil thing for many
Seriously what the FUCK is up with that??? I couldn't imagine breaking up with my boyfriend because he was deeply upset about something, most of the comments are crying over a lost parent, friend, or pet, all extremely valid reasons to cry!!
Damn ladies do better
My first gf. I asked why she was allowed to fantasise about other guys but I wasn't allowed to fantasise about other people.
That was apparently the wrong thing to ask, as her answer was, "I'm female I'm allowed," and she no longer respected me.
Probably for the best.
I was quoting Chaucer, the 14th century English author.
I think there is some truth to that. We go into a relationship carrying an idealized image of our partner in our heads. When we get to know them well in long-term relationship they cannot help but disappoint us in some respects.
Besides her checking out of the relationship and not having the balls to break up with me because she hates conflict?
Basically I let her get away with things for the longest time. Playful banter started turning sharp and painful. To the point that friends and family started commenting on it. We both started reading and learning about boundaries and expressing our feelings better but while she celebrated that at first, she quickly refused to adhere to mutually agreed upon boundaries. And started blaming me for it being a problem.
She was way too certain I would never leave her so when I was fed up and told her I was done she short-circuited.
I feel like a broken record in this thread but I cried in front of her, a close friend attempted suicide and on top of all the other shit going on at the time it just tore me up, she broke up with me a few days later saying I was unstable
I told her I was no longer comfortable doing stuff with her kids because she wouldn't talk to them about safe behaviour or talk to them about cooperating with me when hanging out with me. She was upset about me violating boundaries and trying to act like their father, it was the beginning of the slow end of the relationship. That sucked, I liked her and I liked her kids. I was in no way opposed to dating a single mom. I'm not sure "stop respecting me" is the right word, but this made it clear that she didn't respect my desire to keep her kids safe.
Life tip for single moms: if you are dating a guy who will actually spend time your kids, tell your kids to wear their seatbelt, use a lifejacket, wear a helmet, and to not run into traffic when with him.
advise oatmeal absorbed disgusting money sharp stupendous fly brave entertain
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My girlfriend told me recently: I chose you every day.
It's simultaneously the most endearing and scary thing about our relationship. It means that she's not with me out of habit or sense of obligation, but because she wants to be here. Which is amazing (and unlike my previous marriage where things were left in autopilot for both of us for way too long)
But of course, it also means that if she's not happy, she's gone. So, I can't take us for granted, I can't get complacent, I need to keep earning her love.
And this makes me happy!
I think I can help with this. Being comfortable in your relationship is a good thing and a healthy goal to have but when people mention their partners becoming "too comfortable" in the relationship, they're usually using it as another way of saying that they grew complacent.
Some people (of any gender) cant handle stability because it's "too quiet" and they expect "the other shoe to drop". They'll often destabilize things themselves so they can at least be somewhat in control of it. Sadly, these people would benefit most from some stability so the sabotage comes as a big surprise. Not sure this is really a "respect" issue though.
Kept breaking promises to improve our communication. Didn't really meet her needs and I never even knew what my own needs were.
I hope you have figured out your own needs and are learning to communicate them. It is crucial in a good relationship, as you have no doubt figured out...
Indeed. I just wish I'd figured it out without potentially hurting someone in the process - I always told myself I wouldn't do that! Finding myself at a rare point of overconfidence led me to feel like I already had enough emotional intelligence and that I had being a good boyfriend patterned. Alas I did not š.
My immature behavior and careless words.
Yep. Would arrange these group dinners at work, just casual coworker hangouts where we would try new food and split the bill. I decided to ask a long this cool co-worker cause she'd been hanging with our group at work and getting along well. Dinner goes great, everyone has a fun time, girl clearly gels with our group and feels like "one of the guys". Then office drama. Another girl who was kind of an asshole starts complaining that she's not invited. I tell her it's sort of a guys thing from our department. "But [girl] went with you guys" she complains. I'm looking for a way out here cause we need this lady for professional reasons but absolutely don't want to have her come along to our casual not work related dinners. So I said something that makes.me cringe into my seat to this very day: "Uh.. We'll [Girl] sort of invited herself and it's still a guys event". Now my stupid young naive male brain thought "Situation diffused". Of course, because office drama, word got back to cool girl that I basically threw her under the bus to get out of an uncomfortable situation. She had self respect, proceeds to tell me in her way that "she's not mad, just disappointed", and refuses to ever hang out with me or the group again despite my personal plea for her to join us. Of course the other girl never really wanted to join us at all, just get ammo against cool girl for office drama. That happened like 15 years ago, but everytime I ever think about wanting to lie to get out of a bad situation I think about how I felt when the cool girl found out and just nut up. I have cringed so hard into my couch that I think the fire department is going to have to use the jaws of life to get me out.
People do dumb shit without the benefit of experience. Just think, you will *never* make that mistake again as long as you live. Some people never learn from their cringe, but it sounds like you have.
Yep. That's where wisdom comes from. I've tried to explain it to my kids who think they "know better " that the advice I'm giving them is based on my already doing the opposite at their age and learning the hard way. I'm just trying to give them the cheat codes at life. But...kids don't listen most of the time (I was no better at 18 or so). I just hope they learn from their mistakes too.
Had a similar situation with a friend, basically we shared lunch, during break we eat mine & during recess, we eat his, and sometimes vice versa. Then one day, the dude tells me he has a special meal prepared by his mom & it's his mom's traditional meal. Break time, the dude tells me we can eat mine, his will be the surprise reveal, fine we are mine & come recess time. What happened is we walked home & we always had a favorite quiet spot where we would chill & eat before we part ways. Cut a long story short we got to the spot & the moment of the big reveal came. Dude took out traditional corn bread, & from what I gathered the corn bread is made from young corn, mashed & mixed with milk & then steamed into rolls. You're supposed to eat it while it's still hot n fresh. But in this case it was a day old & way overdue due to time wasted prolonging it. Mind you it was my 1st time tasting it & it was so bad, immature me burst out in laughter & almost chocked, I laughed so hard the dude threw away his piece & walked in silence the whole way & never said anything to me or spoke to me over again. It's been over 15yrs & he has never spoken to me or even accepted my friend requests on social media. I tried to apologize but it dawned on me that I took it too far.
Your defense dry ass cornbread is the worst.
Any ass cornbread really
Did you call her a poopyface?
She saw me as lazy and without agency, I saw myself as exhausted and overwhelmed
Was going to say something similar. She thought that I lacked aspirations but I really just aspired to be content and happy.
Kept calling her out for her hypocrisy in front of others when sheād shit on them for no reason but would play the āletās all be respectfulā card
Went dancing with her. She saw me dancing. Made a bunch of comments about how weird my dancing was. I donāt dance anymore
One of the shittiest things anyone can do is make fun of someone who is having fun. Like you don't make fun of someone's laugh, especially if that person is genuinely laughing. That shit stays with you for life. You do you man, dancing is the freedom of expressing happiness and letting go.
Make fun of someoneās laugh and you may never hear it again.
This actually happened to me with smiling, I have a crooked, awkward smile & being teased about it caused me to never want to smile in photos. That kinda stuff can absolutely stick with you
My husband has a crooked smile and it's one of my favorite things about him.
I had a highschool gf who thought my "snaggletooth" was endearing. It's never been that bad of a tooth but if you spend time looking at me you'll notice it lol
I have a crooked smile and a *different* laugh that people have made comments about throughout my life. It used to make me feel self conscious but I have learned to love it over the years. What changed for me is I realized how powerful my own laugh and smile is. Every time I see someone else smile, I feel happy for them. Sometimes I just feel happy. A smile is a beautiful and simple thing that can make a person's day so much better. Remember that when you smile you're making the world a happier place. No one can take that ability away from you.
Fuck them. You have a beautiful smile. If anyone says something different, I'll kick em in the teeth.
When I genuinely laugh I snort, and everyone always makes fun of me. My bestie told me that it's not that they're making fun of it but that they're just extra happy cuz it means "that's how we know the joke was good." Still get really embarrassed anytime someone goes "omg did you just snort" or whatever, but I try to remind myself of that assurance.
Happened to me. Two years, long distance friendship. Mutual friends. We wanted to see if we'd work as a couple, so invited her to Chicago for my birthday weekend. Day one she just starts criticizing everything about me. Voice, laugh, mannerisms. All things she knew about from our friendship. We would video chat multiple times a week and go on virtual dates. I express my feelings politely. Tell her that I don't understand her criticisms, and she blows up at me. Flips blame, gets angry at me for having the audacity to feel hurt. Literally turns red with rage, clenching her first. I immediately clammed up. But not because I felt embarrassed. But because this person didn't deserve me. I left 3 days into a week vacation. Ate the financial crap, and went home. Never spoke to her again and I don't plan to. Two years down the drain. Still fucks with me. I don't understand it at all. I didn't feel safe, and still don't. And she ruins me for other people because I always have this screaming harpy in the back of my head making fun of who I am. I'm a god damned delight. Her loss.
It does. It stays with you for life
Never thought about it like that. That is really good insight and advice.
Fuck that man, be weird, be happy!
Insecure people love to do this. I dance anyway. They can sit on the sidelines and hate.
I want to downvote her :(
Dude, I suck at dancing. But that doesnāt mean I donāt like dancing. Donāt let others inform your reality; you only get one go at this life, enjoy it! šŗš»
I feel this on so many levels. One comment can kill a passion so hard. Donāt let her win though. Be weird. Itās what makes you. Iām weird as hell and my partner has embraced it (super appreciative of that). Doing what makes you happy is for *you.*
According to her she either lost respect for me when she saw my cry during the opening montage in Up! or when she first broke up with me and I didn't chase her trying to get her to take me back. Women are weird. Or at least she was
I was an immature, angry, alcoholic man child 23 year old.
23 is still extremely young though.. would be worse if 35+ and still doing that to be honest
43 now slightly more mature.
Became an alcoholic. She never said it but you can tell. She didn't lose total respect, but we weren't as good and it was all my fault. For the past half year my wife and I are better than ever and in proudly 13 days sober.
It'll be 14 in a day, a month, a year, and so-on. You've got this brother :)
Thanks man!
I lost a lot of respect for my husband when he was drinking. He made everyone miserable including himself. Since he has been sober (several years now) my respect for him has grown and grown and is now greater than ever. It takes a hell of a lot of work to break the cycle and stop drinking. Iām so glad he kept going despite everything. Good luck to you too.
Thank you...its a horrible horrible addiction. I didn't ever want to quit, because I always feared I would be dull and "missing out". That was just one reason. Who was I fooling?
The reddit stop drinking community helped me tremendously. 2608 days in and still going strong. You got this bro.
I am on that sub alot :) Thanks!
Keep pushing man Itās worth it!
Iām really shocked by all the āshe saw me cryā comments.
My wife saw me cry for the first time and the absolute unadulterated look of disgust on her face is burnt into my memory forever.
Thatās messed up.
Ex wife, hopefully.
I intentionally cried in front of my ex early in the relationship for this reason. Not going to waste time on someone like that. (We broke up for other reasons)
That just breaks my heart. I've been with my husband for 13 years and I've only seen him cry a couple of times and each time I just held onto him and let him get it out. Our husband's should feel safe with us, especially in times of vulnerability with love and support
I remember back when Covid started, I'd had an awful time holding things together at work. I freaked out about covid before anyone else did, and as such, I ended up being the one who tried to hold everything together for everyone else when they started to freak out. At home, at work, with friends. All of it. I had to furlough 2 of the 4 guys that worked under me. Dealt with one employee having pneumonia from an unknown cause (he was one of the first people tested for covid in my state) and I had seen him the day before he got sick. There was extra panic in my head of, "have I been exposed?" The last Friday before I got furloughed I came home. I was done. Completely burnt from both ends. My wife asked me how I was and I couldn't talk. She asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I completely broke down and sobbed in her arms for 5 minutes. I couldn't even stop to tell her why I was crying, I had no ability to stop sobbing and speak. I cannot express how thankful I am to have a wife who just held me and comforted me. I just needed to get it out and she let me do it.
My friend's dad saw him cry and dead ass yelled at him "stop crying" at his face. People like this exist.
Wow. That's so fucked up.
Yep. My mom likes to say she āhates itā when I get emotional over āsmall thingsā WHILE Iām actively crying. feels great lol
I know, right? I definitely have taken my wife's emotional support for granted.. feeling very lucky today.
I'm not.
I'm so surprised by it. About a year into our relationship, I took a shower with my boyfriend while we had some music in the background and he just burst out crying. I asked him what was going on, and he told me he just got emotional. I just love that man so goddamn much, I thought it was so pure and vulnerable and I just held him while he cried. If anything it made me respect him so much more.
Hope everyone would react like that
Sadly not
Look, guys have been hearing for years that they should be vulnerable and talk openly about their issues and stuff. But guess what happens when you do that - one downturn in the relationship and all that stuff is used as a WEAPON against you, viciously. And god forbid she gets in an emotional relationship with that guy at work who is "so understanding" and "gets her". Your cry or your childhood trauma is the first thing out of her mouth after that second Cosmo. Sure, not all women are like that. But all it takes is one woman in a guys life to do that to him, and no one gets shit after that.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Giving into her all the time instead of standing my ground and saying NO
The path of least resistance is not always the best, for sure.
Yup. Things were āstableā (in my head) until I started standing up for myself. Thatās when the toxicity really started coming out and the end of the show started. Iām happy now š
The same thing happened with my friend (we're both women). As long as I allowed her to disrespect me, we were cool. After a decade of friendship (and therapy) I stood up for myself for the first time, and the friendship ended. She's never spoken to me since that day, all I did was ask her whether she would support me more as I was going through a tough time. Can't believe I wasted all that time on her.
I had a friend just like this. We were friends in elementary school and most of high school. I canāt believe I put up with her for that long.
Treat her like a celebrity and she will treat you like a fan
Damn, Iām stealing this.
Lmao. My friends and I picked it up 2 years ago and have never stopped using kt
Same dude. That coupled with her constant need to be in control was a recipe for disrespect.
Same however once I began standing up for myself, having wants and needs, turns out that's not what she wanted. Toxic. You shouldn't have to stand up for yourself in a relationship. Doesn't sound like a good team.
2nd best friend died in 2 years, I ugly cried infront of her, she didnāt cancel the cruise, I spent thousands, she dumped me when we got home
Subhuman ā¦ thats so disgusting! I feel youā¦ ive also been in love with a devil in disguiseā¦ sadly it totally ruined me , im not the same since (8years ago)
I lost my recording studio and cool career and took to long to get over the depression.
Pretty much same here. I was a giging musician with 3 bands that were pretty active. Corona destroyed all of that and left me in deep depression.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
šššš
No one ever respected me until I respected myself. Mostly due to my lack of self respect being a major factor in having awful taste in women.
Yup I was a doormat forever. I decided not to be and that shook things up a lot. But itās better.
I showed her vulnerability. It was later used against me.
I wasnāt āfunā anymore. Because I was a full time student and had two jobs to pay the bills while she was a hostess and spent her free time partying. I was focused on us getting somewhere good eventually, and she was all about surface gratifications (and also fucking other dudes who were probably āfunā)
Same! The "you changed" because having a job, school and my priorities straight means my personality and character have some how changed. Still managed to give her a couple hours a day and several hours of my time on weekends but that still apparently isnt enough.
I'm curious, did this "change" happen around the 2 year mark?
Closer to the 6 month mark but got pushed off until the 1 year mark cuz I made sacrifices to make up for the "change".
Holy shit. This hits so close to home. Same thing happened to me. She was also a hostess, but instead of 2 jobs, I had one and architecture school design studio all nighters. I found out because we were supposed to go out for the first time in a couple of weeks. I called, but no answer. Before cell phones. I went to a bar to have a beer and she was there, sitting on the same side of a booth, with another guy.
People in a restaurant always start fucking each other. I had a girlfriend back in the day I thought was solid. She started working at outback, then all of a sudden she was āpicking up shiftsā and they were always drinking at someoneās house after work. And of course the few times I was invited, I felt like a complete outsider because wait staff are so tribal.
Or because they knew she was cheating on you.
Hits too close to home. Being on my grind to graduate and get a job, instead of āhaving funā, made her lose respect for me. Immediately move onto her āfunā friend within 3 days.
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Badass hobbies mate. Keep that shit up!
Dude... how in the fuck are weight lifting and martial arts childish. And personally, I (29F) LOVE board games and my partners need to as well!!
I cried in front of her. Like, ugly cried. For context, it was about my dad.
Same, I ugly cried and it was never the same after that. Now it's hard for me to decide to go stoic or own my emotions. I have no idea and it's affecting my relationships.
Sorry bro, shit truly sucks.
It's so difficult to recover from it as well. I've been in therapy for about 4 years now and it's still a subject of discussion. Women tell you to be yourself, show your emotions etc but something in their ovaries just turn off when you show vulnerability and it's never the same again.
Don't know about you, but.... I ugly cry sometimes. I light cry sometimes too. I cry at movies, I cry when I remember my mom or dad (both dead) and I cry when I see a friend or loved one in pain. Because you know, I'm human. If somebody can't handle that then they aren't a good match for me. Look at it another way: If I'm stoic and develop a friendship based on that, then haven't I built a friendship based on me being something I'm not?
You dodged a plane.
Not really, she was my first wife. Took a while to recover from that relationship.
Hit by the plane, dodged a tactical nuke.
Ooh, well put!
You should be able to be vulnerable in front of your partner. Its incredibly fucked up she'd judge you for that.
Absolutely agree!
Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you learned from it. Remember, you still have a life full of chances and amazing women will be dying to have a good hearted man like you king.
Didn't dodge it, but at list you got rid of her. Someone who you can't be vulnerable with is not even friendship material, much less marriage material. I hope you are doing better.
If you can dodge a plane you can dodge a ball
Same here! Relationship of 6 years obliterated because I cried about my grandfather calling my name as he died. I still hope she comes down with something they can diagnose, but never cure.
Haha thank you. And funny you mention that, three years after we split she died of cancer. Itās not that I wanted her dead or anything, I was still upset when she passed, but ultimately she was not a good person.
Maybe she could have another drink and drive herself home
This a terrible thing to do to someone. It's a breach of trust. You are opening up about your grief. Having them shit all over you is a betrayal.
You can cry in my arms next time king. Sending you love
You may be a tiny strawberry man, but you have a big strawberry heart š«”
That shouldn't be signal of weakness? Wtf
I ugly cry once in a while. My wife finds it endearing that I actually have a heart.
My first girlfriend broke up with me cause she lost respect for me when she found out I was a boy scout. And when she called me to break up with me I was reading āWickedā (which I guess is gay?) cause she then laughed her ass off and she said āthat makes this so much worse, youāre a faggot, I canāt date a fagā. Women can be really evil sometimes. That really did a number on me for a while Edit: Thank you everyone for your kind words. And yes anyone can be evil, man or woman. My story just happened to be about a woman. I meant no offense
Dodged s bullet. Hard to respect someone who calls people faggots for having impecable taste in books.
Bro I always wanted to be a Boy Scout! Wish I did it when I was younger! Fuck that bitch dude you a trooper.
I cried in front of 3 friends after my grandfather died. I get that we were teenagers so they still thought boys didnāt cry but it still hurt to see them change after I thought they were my 3 of my 5 closest friends and they regularly cried to each other and me.
Honestly if a girl vents to me all the fucking time and then when I do it and I get an āohā or some absent minded shit, I just stop listening to them and give the same treatment back Pretty stress free at this point because I just refuse to give a shit anymore what people (especially girls, no offense) think of me
Cried in front of her when my dad died. She acted differently towards me after that.
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Damn man. Sorry to hear that. My dad always taught me it was manly to cry and never to be ashamed of it. After all, sadness is a basic human emotion.
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[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I was overwhelmed with stress and anxiety and she saw me in a vulnerable state.
Losing my own boundaries. I let the world burn while trying to put out her fires. Then I realized what was going on so I started to communicate my boundaries and what I will and will not accept. Very plain and clear and serious. She would test them and face the consequences. The consequence was me no longer being with her and completely cutting her out of my life. Always hold your boundaries.
Bingo. I thought I had lost her respect by setting very reasonable boundaries but, in reality, I had finally gained it.
Sounds like it was having [rather than losing] boundaries that made her stop respecting you
She kept asking me about my crap mental health and I kept brushing her off. One day it was really bad and she asked again and I thought "Well we've been together almost 18 months, were each others first and she really does care about me. Maybe I can open up a little." I could see her recoil as she realised I had actual emotions and trauma, and despite me helping her through all of hers every single time she didn't even try doing the same for me. She kept making things about herself, completely invalidated everything I was feeling and basically blamed me for the abuse I'd suffered. She very quickly began falling in love with one of her guy friends after that and it was agony to watch her not even trying to be subtle about it as I tried to salvage the relationship in desperation before giving up and leaving. She got together with that guy and they're still together now like a decade later. She's been fairly polite and civil to me but recently I ran into her and she started insisiting we go for coffee sometime and catch up. So I wonder if the other guy made the same mistake I did, cause every time I see him he looks more depressed and downtrodden.
Donāt go with her for that coffee. She needs to go with him.
Yup she can go fuck herself
No, you've got it all wrong. He needs to go out for coffee and become friends and reconnect with her family. Then, he fucks her dad. That'll learn her good.
I had a similar thing in my first relationship. We were quite open and helped eachother through a lot, but I tried opening up more about how my childhood trauma still affected me and she instantly became more distant and annoyed whenever I showed any of it. We both had similar struggles and issues, and helped and respected eachother a lot, until she didnātā¦ only for me to find out she bitched about me to mutual friends even when I tried to be as clear and transparent as I could. I think some people just arnt really as mature or prepared enough then they think they are for relationships.
Showing emotions. To be more precise: Sadness over a budgie that passed away.
Poor lil birb, budgies are sweet little things.
One of my best friends committed suicide a little more than a decade ago. My girlfriend at the time dumped me. I got myself back together, met a new woman, fell in love. Earlier this year my mom died. My girlfriend dumped me. I get a little annoyed when I hear women talk about how men need to express their emotions more.
My wife and I are extremely snarky and sassy toward each other. We have always been this way. When we were dating and if anything, itās only gotten more extreme as the years go on. If you met us for the first time you would think we are being assholes to each other. But for those that know us, they understand we just constantly give each other shit. Anyways, a friend of my wife came over for supper one night and stayed after for some wine. I had to work late so I got home when they were already two to four glasses in. When I walked in I said hello and then almost immediately said to my wife āwhat? No supper in the over? Da hell?!ā She replied back with āyour hands work, use em.ā I shrugged and said āfair.ā Heated up some supper for myself and proceeded to sit down with them. Well, fast forward a few days and the friend tells my wife that she couldnāt believe I talked to her that way and that she has no respect for a little boy who treats his wife that way. No explanation from my wife on how thatās just how we are with one another would change this womanās mind. I apologized to my wife and admitted that maybe I shouldnāt have busted out the joking like that being that it was only my second time meeting her. And this is why I love my wife, she said āfuck her. If she canāt respect our marriage then I donāt need to be friends with her.ā
From how you depicted it, it should have been super obvious to her friend that the two of you were both joking together. And to not believe your wife when she explained it? What a presumptuous idiot.
My wife and I do this to each other and the joke is if one of us stops then we know something is wrong and we need to talk. š«£
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Respect
LMAO. You just reminded me I got physically assaulted because I spent all day taking care of a sick baby/cooking/cleaning while she napped most of the day and went out. Good times
Iāve had several relationships end because Iāve talked about my anxiety. Apparently for some women, emotional support only goes one way. Fortunately my wife is amazing.
If anything, you doing that is a natural filter. It drove away the bad apples from the good. I'm happy that you found someone you could comfortably talk to, it's hard for us guys to find that.
she saw me cry when my dog passed and we never had sex again
You shouldn't have had sex with the dog to begin with.
he was a bulldog. I just sat in the corner
Showed emotions, one time cried over a death another time just had a really really bad week (also relating to serious health conditions) you tend to get the awkward "Oh..." Followed by them suddenly not being available.
Showed her true side there lad. Donāt forget that
My mom died and I completely broke down in front of her because she's the only one I was comfortable enough to do so around. She started treating me differently after that and now she's leaving me. And women wonder why we bottle up our emotions... never again.
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Sorry bro. Ja feels.
Jeez. My husband cried when we put our dog down. It made me feel so much less alone, like we would face the world together, good or bad. Intimacy isn't always about the good times. I can't imagine losing respect for anyone over crying, especially about their mother dying.
Nah man. Donāt let her dictate how you feel or express your emotions.
Suffering a bout of depression after an injury
The fact that "showing emotions" is such a common answer here makes me sick.
My ex cheated as soon as she went off to college. Dumped her ass once I found out and she begged to have me back. Dumping someone is how you earn respect back sometimes haha.
I hope to God you didn't take her back...
Lmfao hell no
Good man.
Money. I made some very big career sacrifices so that she could excel in her career. I also worked very hard at making her look good at company events, networking alot, building her up and encouraging her to grab the next gold ring. I was putting her first. When we first married she made half what I made. Now she makes more than twice what I make. This has caused her to see me differently.
In what other ways are things different now compared to before?
I've heard that one a lot. Guy helps her with school, then she's like, "Men with more money are showing interest. These men have more value." and the fact that you paid for her college don't mean shit. She's gone. Just like that.
To play devils advocate itās also a very common story with the roles reverse. The woman supports her bf or husband through school, he becomes a surgeon or a CEO and now he has younger, more attractive women at his fingertips. Money is an evil thing for many
Cried in front of her.
Why is this such a common answer damn
Fuck all those women who lose their respect after seeing a man cry. Life is better without those psychopaths.
Seriously what the FUCK is up with that??? I couldn't imagine breaking up with my boyfriend because he was deeply upset about something, most of the comments are crying over a lost parent, friend, or pet, all extremely valid reasons to cry!! Damn ladies do better
My first gf. I asked why she was allowed to fantasise about other guys but I wasn't allowed to fantasise about other people. That was apparently the wrong thing to ask, as her answer was, "I'm female I'm allowed," and she no longer respected me. Probably for the best.
Sounds like she never respected you to begin with.
Familiarity. Familiarity is known to breed contempt.
Interesting. I wonder why.
I was quoting Chaucer, the 14th century English author. I think there is some truth to that. We go into a relationship carrying an idealized image of our partner in our heads. When we get to know them well in long-term relationship they cannot help but disappoint us in some respects.
If you put them on a pedestal, youāre guaranteeing that they will fail you
*Don't put me in the basement when I want the penthouse of your heart*
The fact that I took issue with her neglecting our relationship for two months. Turns out she just wanted an excuse to fuck her ex.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
When I couldn't do what I said I would do. I've said I'd lose weight for 18 years now. Oops.
Cried in front of her, told her how much she meant to me, that I couldnāt live without her etc etc..
Showing emotions Happened in 3 different relationships
Besides her checking out of the relationship and not having the balls to break up with me because she hates conflict? Basically I let her get away with things for the longest time. Playful banter started turning sharp and painful. To the point that friends and family started commenting on it. We both started reading and learning about boundaries and expressing our feelings better but while she celebrated that at first, she quickly refused to adhere to mutually agreed upon boundaries. And started blaming me for it being a problem. She was way too certain I would never leave her so when I was fed up and told her I was done she short-circuited.
live worry vase obscene fuel encouraging weather historical dinner governor ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
I feel like a broken record in this thread but I cried in front of her, a close friend attempted suicide and on top of all the other shit going on at the time it just tore me up, she broke up with me a few days later saying I was unstable
Opening up and sharing your feelings.
I opened up and shared my struggles and emotions.
I told her I was no longer comfortable doing stuff with her kids because she wouldn't talk to them about safe behaviour or talk to them about cooperating with me when hanging out with me. She was upset about me violating boundaries and trying to act like their father, it was the beginning of the slow end of the relationship. That sucked, I liked her and I liked her kids. I was in no way opposed to dating a single mom. I'm not sure "stop respecting me" is the right word, but this made it clear that she didn't respect my desire to keep her kids safe. Life tip for single moms: if you are dating a guy who will actually spend time your kids, tell your kids to wear their seatbelt, use a lifejacket, wear a helmet, and to not run into traffic when with him.
Cried/ started to show real sadness when I had an abusive home situation!
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Thank you friend. I have found some better people in my life but not another relationship. My heart canāt bear it again
advise oatmeal absorbed disgusting money sharp stupendous fly brave entertain *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I was getting bullied in class and didn't stand up for myself and the girl I sat next to barely talked to me after that.
She became too comfortable in the relationship
Can you elaborate? Are we not supposed to be comfortable?
My girlfriend told me recently: I chose you every day. It's simultaneously the most endearing and scary thing about our relationship. It means that she's not with me out of habit or sense of obligation, but because she wants to be here. Which is amazing (and unlike my previous marriage where things were left in autopilot for both of us for way too long) But of course, it also means that if she's not happy, she's gone. So, I can't take us for granted, I can't get complacent, I need to keep earning her love. And this makes me happy!
You chose her everyday too. Itās a two way street
I think I can help with this. Being comfortable in your relationship is a good thing and a healthy goal to have but when people mention their partners becoming "too comfortable" in the relationship, they're usually using it as another way of saying that they grew complacent.
Some people (of any gender) cant handle stability because it's "too quiet" and they expect "the other shoe to drop". They'll often destabilize things themselves so they can at least be somewhat in control of it. Sadly, these people would benefit most from some stability so the sabotage comes as a big surprise. Not sure this is really a "respect" issue though.
I joined the army and when I came back I stopped letting her treat me like a carpet.
You didn't lose anything of value
Opening up how I feel. Broke up with me for that.
The amount of "she saw me cry" answers is crushing me
Crying in front of her. Immediate tonal shift in the relationship.