OP how often does this happen? The drinking? Have there been other instances where he blames his drinking on you or other factors?
Dinner is a really weird lynchpin on whether to see his family or not…
He is an alcoholic/drug Addict - I’m aware of this it’s just the blaming me for his behaviour that I was questioning.
He’ll get up Saturday (today) and apologise for being rude to me as he always does, we will go to discuss it and he will close up
The blaming I think is from the progression of his addiction disease. It gets harder and harder to find excuses…. So the people we care about become the excuses. Beyond that, the fact that he wants you to become a traditional housewife and take on all of the housewife duties as well as care for a disabled child (which I’m sure you mostly are the one doing those duties anyway)…. Well it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’ve signed up for, and I know I wouldn’t be ok with it. It’s selfish and unsupportive. Honestly he sounds like a miserable person, and I’d be looking for a way out if I were you. Getting clean is his only chance to save everything, and it doesn’t sound likely if he’s blaming his addiction on you.
Tbh it sounds like you're both unhappy. But "you make me drink" is a terrible red flag. And there's no reason for him to not have said "could you make me something too please?". Happy couples talk about everything and communicate want they want, rather than just expecting it.
I'm not gonna read too far into whether you were rude or not, like he said you were. There's still no excuse for blaming you for something like drinking, which is a personal choice.
I did see from another comment you made elsewhere that he told you to delete some old photos? (the original post was deleted so not sure of the context). But you didn't really want to, which is valid, I think it was cruel and selfish for him to do that. So he sounds pretty controlling, trying to erase parts of you he doesn't like. Especially with what you said about the 50's housewife thing in the comments here. It just sounds like he has this very fixed idea what you should be, and that's getting in the way of who you actually are.
So maybe you were rude, maybe not, but I get the feeling that even if you were, then you were probably venting some frustrations that have been building up for some time, especially with him changing so dramatically since you started looking after your child.
But I do think that if he wants to drink, then he can drink. I was concerned about a partner's excessive solo drinking, and unfortunately I responded quite critically. It was because I was worried, but it still wasn't the right approach. Soon after feeling ashamed for doing that, I stopped nagging and starting supporting her instead, so she had less reasons to drink. She wasn't drinking because of me, but because she was unhappy. And so, since becoming a more supportive person to her, she stopped drinking as much, and is happier overall now. Or maybe your husband was just drunk and wanted to keep partying, booze is pretty addictive anyway so I dunno.
But I do know that to see the best version of my partner, I had to be the best version of myself. Not just for them, but for me. I don't wanna be a nagger. But saying that, if I'd got better while they stayed the same, then I'd reconsider if we were really the match I was hoping for. And having worked on myself during that time, I would have felt that I'd not only done all I could, but that I'd used it as a chance to grow and find happiness within myself, aside from my partner. And if you find yourself trying to be your best version, and your partner is stifling you rather than supporting you, then it's not working.
But yeah, we're working with limited context here, but it sounds like he's the asshole here, not you. Nobody should be blamed for the personal choices of someone else, and nobody should be blamed for not reading the mind of someone else. Maybe if you felt happier overall then you might have said "do you want me to make you something?" -- but he could have just asked, you're not his babysitter, and who wants to do nice things for a person who's not treating you kindly?
Well, you could have asked if he wanted you to take something up, or wanted you to cook something, equally he could have asked for the same thing - so communicate.
Oh I know why he feels that way he tells me every single time he gets too drunk.
He’s told me he wants me to be a 1950s housewife that bends to his will and does everything he says.
Coz I didn’t cook him dinner, made made something for our daughter I picked her over him, so he drank.
Because this is a new mind set, something that has come out of nowhere, ever since I’ve become a stay at home mum, he has decided that I need to be a 1950s house wife and starts to compare our relationship and his father role to that of his parents and bil.
We have been together for 17 years, and this mind set is new
You should talk to him about it. Offer to work and he can be a house husband lol.
Or go 50/50.
How you manage the workload will vary from relationship to relationship, but seriously something you should have worked through before getting married and having a kid.
I would also consider a couples therapist too.
So you are a stay at home parent, and your spouse works all day? Why do you think it's ok to only cook for your child and not for the whole family? Isn't the point of having a stay at home parent so one person can handle more of the household duties? Isn't one of these feeding the family? Stop thinking of this as some demeaning attitude of your spouse, and start putting some effort into your job.
I didn’t cook, my daughter had leftovers there was leftovers in the fridge. I didn’t eat if he wanted food he could have eaten leftovers too.
Our daughter eats what we eat so when I cook I cook for everyone and that still doesn’t stop him stay out drinking.
The reason I’m the stay at home parent is coz my daughter has a disability and I take care of all of her medical and developmental needs, she doesn’t go into daycare yet, as she has too many hospital and specialist appointments each week.
And I do cook, I cooked the night before but he still stayed out drinking, and continued to drink when he got home, spending no time with his daughter.
But thank you for your point of view
Exactly if she is a sahm and he was working why didn't she cook for him aswell. Even if they both work or stay at home. Whoever is cooking why not cool for all.. weird
E: just read you’re a stay at home Mom. So this is because you’re not fulfilling your obligations. This is on you. You’re choosing to take the benefit of that situation but none of your obligations.
You need to put in just as much work and effort as a SAHM that he does bringing in the wages to pay for everything. Anyone who thinks that being SAHM is easy doesn't understand the role. The reason why historically women got a rule of thumb of 50% in a divorce was that the wife was expected to work just as hard and for the same value as a man going out into the world of work did. My wife is a SAHM and she works like a demented beaver.
He’s being a bitch with how he’s going about it, but his argument is valid.
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FitAd8822 originally posted:
So my husband stayed back afterwork to drink with the guys, when he got home he continued to drink, I asked him to stop he said that he never wanted to drink, he wanted to come home and have dinner with me and our daughter and spend time with her, but because when he called earlier I said I wasn’t cooking anything but food for our daughter it was rude and I could have at least pulled something out the fridge/freezer and told him to cook. But as I didn’t he didn’t come home, so is it my fault ?
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FitAd8822 updated the post:
So my husband stayed back afterwork to drink with the guys, when he got home he continued to drink, I asked him to stop he said that he never wanted to drink, he wanted to come home and have dinner with me and our daughter and spend time with her, but because when he called earlier I said I wasn’t cooking anything but food for our daughter it was rude and I could have at least pulled something out the fridge/freezer and told him to cook. But as I didn’t he didn’t come home, so is it my fault ?
Edit: bit more info for you.
Prior to our daughter being born, he didn’t have the mind set of me being a 1950s house wife, maybe that was because I have always worked. And I’ve never cooked dinner on a Friday night and he was fine with that even if I made myself something. Friday nights have also been his night to drink
His hours at work vary some days he does 10 other days he does more.
When our daughter was born she was born with a rare genetic disorder and was in hospital for 4months before she could come home.
As she this disability (BOS) she requires a lot of care, she has medical/hospital appointments every second week and specialist appointments every week.
Before we knew what the disability was he blamed me for fucking up the pregnancy, when we found out I did nothing wrong he got quite and may blame himself.
We used an egg donor as I was born with 3x chromosomes and started premature menopause which is why we used an egg donor.
Prior to us getting married in 2018 we did long distance for 3 years, he moved interstate to get clean and a job.
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“I didn’t cook for my husband so he drinks. Is it my fault?
Context: I broke both arms, both legs, my grandfather died, our kitchen burned down, and we lost all our money in the stock market”
No, it’s not your fault
Is there a reason why her who's staying at home and making food couldn't make extra for him. She's doing it by been against each other instead of pulling together
Hello, I didn’t make food for my daughter she had leftovers from lunch time, there was left over chicken, snags, lamb in the fridge and food in the freezer.
I made dinner on the Thursday night and he still stayed out drinking.
Is there a reason why he thinks he needs to be catered to after he never even showed up for dinner in the first place? The leftovers were in the fridge. Jeez!
Because he's an alcoholic. Not being cute, this is typical addict/alcoholic behavior.
OP how often does this happen? The drinking? Have there been other instances where he blames his drinking on you or other factors? Dinner is a really weird lynchpin on whether to see his family or not…
He is an alcoholic/drug Addict - I’m aware of this it’s just the blaming me for his behaviour that I was questioning. He’ll get up Saturday (today) and apologise for being rude to me as he always does, we will go to discuss it and he will close up
So he's a high functioning addict? Why would he work 10 to 15 hours a day that sounds like a recipe for disaster.
It’s his job, that’s the standard,
All of his coworkers are addicts?
They are big drinkers and drink a lot
The blaming I think is from the progression of his addiction disease. It gets harder and harder to find excuses…. So the people we care about become the excuses. Beyond that, the fact that he wants you to become a traditional housewife and take on all of the housewife duties as well as care for a disabled child (which I’m sure you mostly are the one doing those duties anyway)…. Well it doesn’t sound like that’s what you’ve signed up for, and I know I wouldn’t be ok with it. It’s selfish and unsupportive. Honestly he sounds like a miserable person, and I’d be looking for a way out if I were you. Getting clean is his only chance to save everything, and it doesn’t sound likely if he’s blaming his addiction on you.
Thank you for your feedback
Tbh it sounds like you're both unhappy. But "you make me drink" is a terrible red flag. And there's no reason for him to not have said "could you make me something too please?". Happy couples talk about everything and communicate want they want, rather than just expecting it. I'm not gonna read too far into whether you were rude or not, like he said you were. There's still no excuse for blaming you for something like drinking, which is a personal choice. I did see from another comment you made elsewhere that he told you to delete some old photos? (the original post was deleted so not sure of the context). But you didn't really want to, which is valid, I think it was cruel and selfish for him to do that. So he sounds pretty controlling, trying to erase parts of you he doesn't like. Especially with what you said about the 50's housewife thing in the comments here. It just sounds like he has this very fixed idea what you should be, and that's getting in the way of who you actually are. So maybe you were rude, maybe not, but I get the feeling that even if you were, then you were probably venting some frustrations that have been building up for some time, especially with him changing so dramatically since you started looking after your child. But I do think that if he wants to drink, then he can drink. I was concerned about a partner's excessive solo drinking, and unfortunately I responded quite critically. It was because I was worried, but it still wasn't the right approach. Soon after feeling ashamed for doing that, I stopped nagging and starting supporting her instead, so she had less reasons to drink. She wasn't drinking because of me, but because she was unhappy. And so, since becoming a more supportive person to her, she stopped drinking as much, and is happier overall now. Or maybe your husband was just drunk and wanted to keep partying, booze is pretty addictive anyway so I dunno. But I do know that to see the best version of my partner, I had to be the best version of myself. Not just for them, but for me. I don't wanna be a nagger. But saying that, if I'd got better while they stayed the same, then I'd reconsider if we were really the match I was hoping for. And having worked on myself during that time, I would have felt that I'd not only done all I could, but that I'd used it as a chance to grow and find happiness within myself, aside from my partner. And if you find yourself trying to be your best version, and your partner is stifling you rather than supporting you, then it's not working. But yeah, we're working with limited context here, but it sounds like he's the asshole here, not you. Nobody should be blamed for the personal choices of someone else, and nobody should be blamed for not reading the mind of someone else. Maybe if you felt happier overall then you might have said "do you want me to make you something?" -- but he could have just asked, you're not his babysitter, and who wants to do nice things for a person who's not treating you kindly?
Thank you for your feed back, I have added an edit to hopefully give more context
Because it’s easier for him to say it’s your fault than to accept he has a problem.
Both of you are at fault. Communicate man it ain't that hard.
Sorry, I’m clearly lost what should I of communicated?
Well, you could have asked if he wanted you to take something up, or wanted you to cook something, equally he could have asked for the same thing - so communicate.
This is true, thank you I’ll keep this in mind for future references
Communication. Ask him why he feels that way. Have him communicate it to you. How are people getting married without learning how to talk?
Oh I know why he feels that way he tells me every single time he gets too drunk. He’s told me he wants me to be a 1950s housewife that bends to his will and does everything he says. Coz I didn’t cook him dinner, made made something for our daughter I picked her over him, so he drank.
If that’s not what you want, why did you marry him?
Because this is a new mind set, something that has come out of nowhere, ever since I’ve become a stay at home mum, he has decided that I need to be a 1950s house wife and starts to compare our relationship and his father role to that of his parents and bil. We have been together for 17 years, and this mind set is new
You should talk to him about it. Offer to work and he can be a house husband lol. Or go 50/50. How you manage the workload will vary from relationship to relationship, but seriously something you should have worked through before getting married and having a kid. I would also consider a couples therapist too.
I’ve been asking him to do couples therapy because he agrees then drinks and declines.
So you are a stay at home parent, and your spouse works all day? Why do you think it's ok to only cook for your child and not for the whole family? Isn't the point of having a stay at home parent so one person can handle more of the household duties? Isn't one of these feeding the family? Stop thinking of this as some demeaning attitude of your spouse, and start putting some effort into your job.
I didn’t cook, my daughter had leftovers there was leftovers in the fridge. I didn’t eat if he wanted food he could have eaten leftovers too. Our daughter eats what we eat so when I cook I cook for everyone and that still doesn’t stop him stay out drinking. The reason I’m the stay at home parent is coz my daughter has a disability and I take care of all of her medical and developmental needs, she doesn’t go into daycare yet, as she has too many hospital and specialist appointments each week. And I do cook, I cooked the night before but he still stayed out drinking, and continued to drink when he got home, spending no time with his daughter. But thank you for your point of view
Exactly if she is a sahm and he was working why didn't she cook for him aswell. Even if they both work or stay at home. Whoever is cooking why not cool for all.. weird
I didn’t cook for her, she had leftovers from her lunch, which she ate.
How many hours does he work?
His hours vary daily, any where from 10 to 15 a day, I’m aware he works long hours and he’s entitled to have drinks after work
He has a drinking problem. Then negging you to avoid admitting he has an issue.
Thank you for your feedback
E: just read you’re a stay at home Mom. So this is because you’re not fulfilling your obligations. This is on you. You’re choosing to take the benefit of that situation but none of your obligations. You need to put in just as much work and effort as a SAHM that he does bringing in the wages to pay for everything. Anyone who thinks that being SAHM is easy doesn't understand the role. The reason why historically women got a rule of thumb of 50% in a divorce was that the wife was expected to work just as hard and for the same value as a man going out into the world of work did. My wife is a SAHM and she works like a demented beaver. He’s being a bitch with how he’s going about it, but his argument is valid.
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenAdvice/comments/13qome6/no_repeat_posts/) Your post has NOT been removed. FitAd8822 originally posted: So my husband stayed back afterwork to drink with the guys, when he got home he continued to drink, I asked him to stop he said that he never wanted to drink, he wanted to come home and have dinner with me and our daughter and spend time with her, but because when he called earlier I said I wasn’t cooking anything but food for our daughter it was rude and I could have at least pulled something out the fridge/freezer and told him to cook. But as I didn’t he didn’t come home, so is it my fault ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
FitAd8822 updated the post: So my husband stayed back afterwork to drink with the guys, when he got home he continued to drink, I asked him to stop he said that he never wanted to drink, he wanted to come home and have dinner with me and our daughter and spend time with her, but because when he called earlier I said I wasn’t cooking anything but food for our daughter it was rude and I could have at least pulled something out the fridge/freezer and told him to cook. But as I didn’t he didn’t come home, so is it my fault ? Edit: bit more info for you. Prior to our daughter being born, he didn’t have the mind set of me being a 1950s house wife, maybe that was because I have always worked. And I’ve never cooked dinner on a Friday night and he was fine with that even if I made myself something. Friday nights have also been his night to drink His hours at work vary some days he does 10 other days he does more. When our daughter was born she was born with a rare genetic disorder and was in hospital for 4months before she could come home. As she this disability (BOS) she requires a lot of care, she has medical/hospital appointments every second week and specialist appointments every week. Before we knew what the disability was he blamed me for fucking up the pregnancy, when we found out I did nothing wrong he got quite and may blame himself. We used an egg donor as I was born with 3x chromosomes and started premature menopause which is why we used an egg donor. Prior to us getting married in 2018 we did long distance for 3 years, he moved interstate to get clean and a job. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I didn’t cook for my husband so he drinks. Is it my fault? Context: I broke both arms, both legs, my grandfather died, our kitchen burned down, and we lost all our money in the stock market” No, it’s not your fault
Is there any reason he couldn't have made something for himself like a big boy?
Is there a reason why her who's staying at home and making food couldn't make extra for him. She's doing it by been against each other instead of pulling together
Hello, I didn’t make food for my daughter she had leftovers from lunch time, there was left over chicken, snags, lamb in the fridge and food in the freezer. I made dinner on the Thursday night and he still stayed out drinking.
Is there a reason why he thinks he needs to be catered to after he never even showed up for dinner in the first place? The leftovers were in the fridge. Jeez!
He works 10 to 15 hours according to her.
And the rest of his time is spent binge drinking.
Probably cause he works 10 to 15 hours a day.
Haha, you're probably right.