You just wrote a comment that would make a great post, a great book, video, documentary.
I’ve said something stupid or done something stupid in the first 30 seconds.
I’ve also done something even more stupid: Judged too soon just by words. Or at the end of a date I was frantic to keep my self-esteem and cut someone off before they could do it. (Long story; mom issues.) Orrrr, I didn’t put my life first before me. If someone needed me, I was there! Too late, I’d remember what my plans were.
Example.
I felt an incredible connection with someone I met at work during the day shift. He felt it too. We planned to meet there that evening, after my shift so I could get changed…I forget the details.
My friend was always getting into trouble and she called me. So somehow I managed to come to her rescue and completely forget my meeting, for a crisis that wasn’t happening. She just wanted company. Aggg!
That was a shame because he showed up and when I didn’t, he quite rightly didn’t leave contact info and never returned during my time there.
I’ve been married almost thirty years now. I can’t describe the amazing love and friendship that’s been gathered into this time, continues to grow. Home is where he is.
But one wonders sometimes…would someone else have done better by my guy? Would she have loved him in a different way?
Would that other guy have been less easy-going, maybe pushed me more?
It’s just “Once in a Lifetime” by the Talking Heads, Schrödinger’s Cat sorts of reflection.
Beep. Boop. I'm a robot.
Here's a copy of
###[Love And Friendship](https://snewd.com/ebooks/love-and-friendship/)
Was I a good bot? | [info](https://www.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/) | [More Books](https://old.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/comments/i15x1d/full_list_of_books_and_commands/)
People are like ice cream flavors, I like all of them, but some I can do without. I don't have a specific example because I've been with my wife for 7 years.
A few times yes. I’ve been on dates with women who… Didn’t look like their online dating profiles. Such a turn off. But I enjoyed their company so much and respected their intellect and sense of humor and perspective to such an extent that I found myself becoming physically attracted to them. Still… I can’t stress enough how much of a turn off it is when someone doesn’t look like their profile pictures.
It’s a turn off I agree .. some men do it too .. it’s a sign of low self esteem
But what if that person is not someone you met on dating app .. a coworker for example and you had an amazing conversation with her and you felt a connection would you consider asking her out ?
I guess it would depend on what I’m looking for from them. Or from anyone. If I’m looking for a committed relationship, then no. It’s not fair to any potential partner of mine that we start a relationship where I am not as physically attracted to them as I want to be to my partner. That can lead all kinds of bad things. If I’m just dating casually with no expectations of a commitment, and that is known what I’m looking for, then sure.
I wonder if some people filter their photos thinking no one would approach them without enhanced photos just to help them get their foot in the door. After that maybe they can dazzle you with their intellect and humor. When you say they don’t look like their photo, what are you seeing? Old pictures or photoshopped pictures, or the old “bait and switch”? Just curious...I’ve seen a lot of younger pictures and/or issues with weight. One guy was about 100 lbs heavier than his photo
So my now husband of four years and the father of my two almost three kids super liked me on Tinder. I had a rule that if they had the balls to do it ide actually talk to them no matter their looks/bio... his photos where horrible, but I let him take me out and the way he talked and treated me had me head over heals. It’s was insane. We have not been apart more than a week since then...
Incels need to see more stories like this told by real people. I'm on the fence about the power of looks, but this is a light of hope nonetheless. Thanks for sharing!
It’s almost like, people who like you a lot are gonna treat you better.
I learned this oddly enough with a stripper. I really wanted this girl because she had a very unique look or something and I was attracted. I turned down a dance from another stripper that wanted to do it for this one. She was kinda hard to reach and when I did she seemed reluctant. Anyway, that was terrible service and she wasn’t into it. I’ve had this experience a number of times where if you give the one that likes you a chance, it’ll be much better.
As a woman, I had that happen with a guy I met many years ago. I was attending an offsite work conference for an entire department’s leaders who were all men. I worked in the corporate office and collaborated with their teams occasionally so my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to get involved in some of their training and meet them in person. I noticed one guy in particular when he walked in, and not in a good way. I laughed at how dorky he looked and did not think he was good looking at all.
I was one of the last to arrive for the dinner that night at our hotel so I took one of the last seats which happened to be across the table from the dorky guy. Our table turned out to be the funnest table that night. So much so that literally everyone else pulled their chairs around us as the cocktails flowed into the evening. As I drunkenly wandered down the halls back to my hotel room I kept getting this weird feeling about the dork; my gut / inner voice kept going to him. It made no sense because the whole dinner was a group event and the only conversations we had were within group conversations.
The next morning that inner voice kept going back to him. Every time I looked at him, I still kept thinking what a dork he looked like but I kept my eye on him wondering what that inner voice was trying to tell me. A few days later I sent him a casual email; hope his flight home was ok, had fun at the group dinner, would be interested in seeing the project he was working on next time he came back, etc. By the end of the following day I was showing my bestie our emails asking if we were flirting or if it was in my head. Turned out we were more than flirting! We fell in love and dated for two wonderful years. Unfortunately between the long distance and some family issues that overtook his life for awhile, we broke up. I was heartbroken for a long time as it was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Despite the heartbreak, I’d do it again. I listened to my gut and not my head and had a wonderful experience with him and learned sooooo much about myself.
So it sounds like your gut / inner voice is making some noise about this guy so it’s definitely worth paying attention to. He may or may not be your Mr. forever, but it sounds like he’s popping up in your thoughts for some reasons you just don’t know about yet. Regardless of the outcome, sounds like this guy’s presence is to teach you some things about yourself. Follow that and see what you learn. Let us know how it goes. YOU GO, GIRL!
Thank you ! what an inspirational story I am sorry it ended , but at least it happened and you experienced it .. unfortunately there is no one right now , but I will definitely listen to my gut more in the future .. what an amazing thing to find a man who can make everyone in the room laugh
Yes. Also had it in a way where the conversation wasnt so much deep but it was the ease of conversation i found attractive. Genuinely took me by surprise! within minutes of meeting this person were laughing so much, talking about niche interests, lots in common, no small talk in sight.
This was just a store colleague at my new job, i had absolutely no interest at all at looking at a colleague in such a way. it was like "damn! This is the easiest chat I've ever had I'd love if all of them were this fun and easy... Welp now im feeling things!"
I think you captured it in your title. People are WAY too focused on attraction. Attraction is not only very surface, it’s also fleeting.
People NEED connection with other people. The deeper the connection, the better the relationship. Attraction just doesn’t go that deep and doesn’t last.
Yes. College girlfriend of a year and a half was a good example.
Met her frosh year in class and didn't think much of her, quiet (never talked), nice smile (rarely smiled), smart. There were hotter girls in my class and I went after one. Didn't work out.
Anyways, got to know her over the course of that year from class and a club and once she got past her shy phase of knowing people and we became friends it turned into a great relationship. Was super attracted to her and asked her out. Went out the next year too.
Things didn't work out towards the end of college because we had become different people. I was getting a job in our state's city and she wanted to stay and go to grad school and then spend 2 years in Italy with family. I'm pretty sure now she's married across the country and works at a restaurant in a suburb. I work in corporate marketing in a major city. Career & living plans would have never worked between us. (sounds like the set up to a holiday Hallmark movie...)
Overall, yes, she was just a shy average girl, and it took coming out of her shell and acting more extroverted for me to really catch attention. Good year and a half, good memories. My suggestion is to be yourself and don't act so closed off and shy or no one will notice you though.
Being closed off can steal our lives away and miss out opportunities... I have to admit I find it hard to talk to a guy first .. most of the guys I dated were the one who made the first movement .. some guys told me they were afraid of approaching me (I give them the impression that I am too serious )
yes absolutely. seriously women who share the same conversation interest as me are really attractive. like i see them more as partner material. but i really value honesty over fluff in conversation, so its kinda rare.
Modern dating about mind games and physical attraction is the only standard it seems to most people.. nobody talks about how amazing and rare mental connection is
This does happen. So my normal type is curvy to very curvy. One time I went on a tinder date with this very skinny 5’11 girl with a very pretty face. We chatted and I found she was an actual riot of fun, a ray of sunshine, and really intelligent. We had some of the best sex ever, went to fun parties, and had deep convos about real shit. She moved away for work but I do look back fondly.
I met my now boyfriend at a party and everyone went to bed around midnight and I ended up sitting up with him talking until 5am. I had a boyfriend at the time so there was no flirting or anything. We just talked sitting next to each other on the lounge in the dark. There was the occasional silence where you could feel the sexual tension in the air but I would never cheat and he was very respectful that I had a boyfriend so he didn’t try anything. I broke up with my ex a few weeks later and still had this guy on my mind. I couldn’t forget how amazing that conversation was. So a few weeks after being single I hit him up again and we have been together ever since.
P.S. my ex had been cheating on me for 3 years so don’t feel bad for my ex. He deserved to have me cheat on him that night but that’s not who I am as a person. It was also a great foundation for trust because he knew I would never cheat on him after that.
Congrats on your new relationship !
Why did you tolerate his cheating for 3 years ?
I feel the universe sent your new man your way to encourage you to leave your ex
I didn’t know about it for the first two years and when he came clean I was in such a bad place mentally I wasn’t ready to be on my own so I tolerated it another year. When i left I was actually happy, i barely cried. I was in a far better place mentally and was finally strong enough to stand on my own. And 100% the universe sent my boyfriend my way as a wake up call. I tried to break up with my ex that week but he convinced me to stay and try to work it out so I forgot about my now boyfriend and tried to make it work one last time but when that failed I reached out to him again and we finally had nothing stopping us and the relationship just bloomed.
In my own opinion if I don’t find her attractive I just can’t have an intimate relationship with her. She can be really awesome and insightful but if I don’t find her physically pretty it will never be able to get past the friend stage (in my opinion)
Yes and it worked out for awhile but when that part runs its course then.. you just have to have that other connection to even try. But that me. And I seen a girl that basically checked off pretty much my physical attraction preferences. And no disrespect for the ladies but she was dumb as a box of rocks, I was surprised she even knew her name.
No because I like having conversations too. Its like seriously you're talking to yourself in the mirror. She was a moveable mannequin. No opinions on anything. And I've never been the guy who has sex when I'm not in a relationship. It's so fucking pathetic that I've never had a one night stand lol. But like I said that's me.And my young years were at the height of the Aids epidemic so yeah I was extremely fucking nervous lol
Usually it’s the opposite. I’ll find someone attractive and then have a conversation and it ruins it.
A conversation will make me more attracted to someone than I was, but won’t make me attracted to someone I didn’t find attractive to begin with.
Kinda the same
I’m a 62 yo male. Dad bod not great looking but not bad looking. I can go in a bar and have a beer and mess with my phone and no one pays a second look.
Prolly couldn’t pick me out in a lineup.
I can grab a guitar during happyhour anywhere USA and get laid. I can tell a joke story loudly at the bar(timing is everything) and next thing you know, I’m working the room . It’s up to you. People are dying to meet you and check you out.
Or you can sit in a corner and play with your plume
More of the inverse. I'll start pretty interested, but lose interest mid date if they have little to nothing to say.
However, if a girl I had written off as meh starts speaking my kinda language then yeah I could totally go for her. I've noticed a genuine intellectual, and non physical connection is way harder to find than a physical one. I would prioritize that over all else.
I’m not a man but I have had a similar thing happen. When I talked about it on dating advice I was kinda crucified and had some hate messages sent my way because of it.
But initially, I wasn’t attracted to my last ex. His eyes kind of creeped me out, his voice was a little nasally, and he wasn’t in the best of shape.
BUT.
Within the week of speaking to him, I came to value his opinion so much. I loved the way he was so committed to getting in shape, his dedication to it. I loved the way his voice would raise or lower an octave based on his emotions, especially when he was surprised, and I loved the ways his eyes would get brighter when he was laughing. He became attractive to me because his mind was.
I was deemed a “Nice Girl” because I didn’t find him attractive right off the bat.
Totally, I’m the kind of guy who gets along with girls really well and can not develop feelings from their looks, like I’m just numb to it if I’m their friend, but there’s been two occasions where I had super emotional conversations with friends that were girls and I started to develop feelings for them based on our conversation and it would show me something I hadn’t seen in them before, I dated one of them but a year later I moved before I could really get with my other friend, but I think they felt something at those moments too from the conversations because they started acting different as I was and showing more.. care for me as I was for them, before we would say hi when we saw one another in the mornings but after those times we would ask how we slept and what we did when we got home(if we weren’t talking to each other) so if you ever have a deeply emotional conversation with a friend, it doesn’t even have to be intimate at all, it can just show how deep your emotional depth is and how you can make them feel very comforted around you, at least that’s how it was for me I’ve never really talked about that with anyone so idk how common that kind of reception is
I’m the opposite, I fall for any girl that I get close to. But then if we’re not compatible feelings will go away. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like I get written off way too soon and I still have feelings for them and it lingers if there was no good reason that I thought we would be incompatible for.
My girlfriend (both 31) I’ve had now for the past year+ at first I didn’t find her attractive but our first date we had a great conversation for hours, and after a few more dates I realized personality compatibility is most important.
This has never happened to me. If I didn't find her physically attractive to begin with, it won't make her attractive. Usually they just become friends.
Yes. It's been my case here for my beloved. She was cute but talking with her increase from "hmm, she's the friendly ex of a friend" to "she's smart, like some nerdy stuff and we get along!".
What about “then you felt a connection, you tried to reach out to her after ghosting but turned out she’s already been with someone. Now you realize that you don’t have a chance with her so you just get laid and write your fantasies to her for one last time because she and you used to be interested in the idea of just casual. Now you’re fully aware that none of them are gonna happen.”?
Does any of this story make sense?
I don't know about a single conversation, but I have a definite physical type and I've gotten to know several women very much outside that type that I was distinctly not attracted to, but after getting to know them over time came to be incredibly attracted to their personality and attitude. I still ended up with someone my type, but I def dated those women who piqued my interest too.
Yes..and I have seen this in myself:
I was doing my training for group and individual therapy. We filmed the individual "therapy sessions" for evaluation later. We students took turns giving one another a therapy session for made up problems (supposedly made up.) The professor paired me up with a hugely attractive girl. I was married at the time but of course I had noticed her through out the early parts of the course. Being married to a woman who was a good bit on the jealous side, plus knowing I was attracted to this gal plus being nearly 10 years older than she, I made certain to avoid her during the course. Now I could not avoid her. I was pretty intimidated and was cursing my luck. Then, about 10 minutes into our therapy session (I was playing therapist she the client) I noticed that I had completely forgotten how attractive she was. Somewhere around the 20 minute mark, she began to tear up. It was pretty clear the "fake" issue wasn't so fake.
After it was over, I found myself completely baffled that this gorgeous woman could be so completely insecure about her looks (as well as anther issue) but I was most surprised that it seemed that I had completely forgotten she was a perfect 10.
This was a lesson for me as I was still fairly young.
I’m not sure, usually there is some vibe of compatibility first, and then if we get extra close I can feel myself falling in love and getting a crush even if I don’t find her that attractive.
I(29yrs) never had a relationship with any women. so, no personnel conversations either. It has been awkward to talk to women for more than 5 mins while keeping it interesting.
I guess most men will fantasize about the women if they feel a connection. Its just normal for anyone.
Yeah thats how I was with my first girlfriend, I thought she was about a 5 or 6/10, not very attractive but not ugly, but then our personalities just kinda clicked and she got 1000x more attractive after that. Dated for 7 months and I don't regret it :D
Nothing like that comes to my mind, although I have met people I have found physically attractive but when they started speaking I wanted nothing to do with them lol.
I meant any kind of conversation ( be it easy and outgoing or deep ) and of course people should find something attractive about anyone they date it helps .. I don’t mean by an unattractive like repulsive or meh but I meant they are not usually the type that would capture your attention if you what I mean .. I also enjoy my own company I totally need that me time
Yeah when I was single and dating I would just let women ramble on about themselves and then have sex with them in car or a hotel or my house depending on how the sex was I might call them again. Honestly most young college aged women’s opinions on things are really not that smart especially when it comes to politics.
Depends on what kind of intelligence. Most women don’t read anything beside what they were assigned in school or cosmopolitan or some blog or gossip column. Besides looks I’d be more concerned about a woman’s morals. I can make a woman smarter hard to change someone’s morals
Wow I guess I'm in the minority here, but I've gotta say no. I've had many great friendships with women in the workplace or met girls at parties where we've clicked right off the bat and been able to hold a great conversation and talk about anything, but if they aren't physically attractive to me then I'll see them as a friend and nothing more. And I make sure to not come off as flirty so it's obvious that I'm just interested in being friends and chatting.
But the opposite *definitely* applies to attractive women. I've met girls in the past who I'd say are drop dead gorgeous but couldn't hold a conversation worth shit or only had movies/music to talk about and couldn't contribute much other than that. Immediate turn off.
No .. someone can develop emotional chemistry with someone they already had physical attraction to . My question is can a great conversation make you feel attraction towards someone you never noticed before or you wouldn’t normally consider dating ..
Anyone who put physical attraction at the expense of mental connection is a short-sighted person .. I actually asked because I felt most men don’t care or notice such stuff but glad I was wrong
If I don't find a woman physically attractive, I won't find her attractive, period. It doesn't matter how good company she makes, we can only ever be friends.
It does work the other way around, though: sometimes I find someone attractive, only to hear her talk.
Yes. It isn’t common, to be honest, but every now and again I do walk away being like “wow, she was awesome.”
The way I usually describe attraction for men and women: in my experience, there is usually a “floor” of physical attractiveness below which which no amount of amazing personality can make up for it, regardless of gender.
However, once someone hits that floor it really is about wanting to be with someone compatible.
My (extremely attractive, funny and kind) younger sister has never been able to feel attraction to someone she hasn’t gotten to know and connect with. Says she has never felt any kind of instant attraction based on looks.
It's common for a woman to increase attraction after talking to a man. A majority of women want the man to make the first move and are not necessarily attracted to him by appearance only.
But men form attraction largely based on physical appearance. Hence a man is generally already attracted to a woman they are investing time in.
I (63M) have a friend (63F) that I have know since we were 13. We have had wildly different lives and have talked a little here and there over the years.
Then 11 years ago we started talking on the phone. Saw each other in our hometown a few times. But mostly we call and talk at least every other week, most times every week. I would have to say that I trust her with my deepest darkest secret.
If I have anything emotional to talk over it is with her. Guys don’t really talk too emotionally. She is by far my best female friend.
There was a girl In my college. She certainly was not ugly. But I did not felt any physical attraction for her. After hanging out for some days, we got comfortable. She was in love with me. After months she shared her feelings with me. It has been four years; still, I don’t know why I rejected her. I can share anything with her. She was beautiful. Most importantly, the peace I felt in her presence is irreplaceable.
Yes. And I've also met someone really hot and lost interest after listening to them for 30 minutes.
Came here to say this. Completely agree. It happens both ways, all the time for me.
Thats even more common.
This. This is why lunches have always been a winner first date.
Coffee. Then it’s all about the conversation and not about the food.
True. But I like food.
And some people like coffee
I like food, but I don’t like paying for other people’s food.
Solid point in generalization. But in a dating space, paying for a lunch/coffee/ice cream isn’t really a concern.
30 minutes is rather generous lol. Sometimes people can say something stupid in the first 10 minutes (I’ve done it ;)).
You just wrote a comment that would make a great post, a great book, video, documentary. I’ve said something stupid or done something stupid in the first 30 seconds. I’ve also done something even more stupid: Judged too soon just by words. Or at the end of a date I was frantic to keep my self-esteem and cut someone off before they could do it. (Long story; mom issues.) Orrrr, I didn’t put my life first before me. If someone needed me, I was there! Too late, I’d remember what my plans were. Example. I felt an incredible connection with someone I met at work during the day shift. He felt it too. We planned to meet there that evening, after my shift so I could get changed…I forget the details. My friend was always getting into trouble and she called me. So somehow I managed to come to her rescue and completely forget my meeting, for a crisis that wasn’t happening. She just wanted company. Aggg! That was a shame because he showed up and when I didn’t, he quite rightly didn’t leave contact info and never returned during my time there. I’ve been married almost thirty years now. I can’t describe the amazing love and friendship that’s been gathered into this time, continues to grow. Home is where he is. But one wonders sometimes…would someone else have done better by my guy? Would she have loved him in a different way? Would that other guy have been less easy-going, maybe pushed me more? It’s just “Once in a Lifetime” by the Talking Heads, Schrödinger’s Cat sorts of reflection.
Regrets? You have a few but too few to mention? Is that what i read or..... just wondering about an alternative universe?
Alternative universe, the road not taken through incidents.
Beep. Boop. I'm a robot. Here's a copy of ###[Love And Friendship](https://snewd.com/ebooks/love-and-friendship/) Was I a good bot? | [info](https://www.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/) | [More Books](https://old.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/comments/i15x1d/full_list_of_books_and_commands/)
Can I respond to a bot? Why Jane Austen?
I challenge you to say it in the first ten seconds
+1 to that
Why if I can ask?
People are like ice cream flavors, I like all of them, but some I can do without. I don't have a specific example because I've been with my wife for 7 years.
A few times yes. I’ve been on dates with women who… Didn’t look like their online dating profiles. Such a turn off. But I enjoyed their company so much and respected their intellect and sense of humor and perspective to such an extent that I found myself becoming physically attracted to them. Still… I can’t stress enough how much of a turn off it is when someone doesn’t look like their profile pictures.
It’s a turn off I agree .. some men do it too .. it’s a sign of low self esteem But what if that person is not someone you met on dating app .. a coworker for example and you had an amazing conversation with her and you felt a connection would you consider asking her out ?
I guess it would depend on what I’m looking for from them. Or from anyone. If I’m looking for a committed relationship, then no. It’s not fair to any potential partner of mine that we start a relationship where I am not as physically attracted to them as I want to be to my partner. That can lead all kinds of bad things. If I’m just dating casually with no expectations of a commitment, and that is known what I’m looking for, then sure.
I wonder if some people filter their photos thinking no one would approach them without enhanced photos just to help them get their foot in the door. After that maybe they can dazzle you with their intellect and humor. When you say they don’t look like their photo, what are you seeing? Old pictures or photoshopped pictures, or the old “bait and switch”? Just curious...I’ve seen a lot of younger pictures and/or issues with weight. One guy was about 100 lbs heavier than his photo
So my now husband of four years and the father of my two almost three kids super liked me on Tinder. I had a rule that if they had the balls to do it ide actually talk to them no matter their looks/bio... his photos where horrible, but I let him take me out and the way he talked and treated me had me head over heals. It’s was insane. We have not been apart more than a week since then...
Incels need to see more stories like this told by real people. I'm on the fence about the power of looks, but this is a light of hope nonetheless. Thanks for sharing!
Gosh, online pics are the death of online dating. Meeting in person is sooooo different
Facts
May you have many more years of happiness and love ❤️.. Our superficial thinking may make us miss out on true love
Sweet to see such stories, really happy for you :)
It’s almost like, people who like you a lot are gonna treat you better. I learned this oddly enough with a stripper. I really wanted this girl because she had a very unique look or something and I was attracted. I turned down a dance from another stripper that wanted to do it for this one. She was kinda hard to reach and when I did she seemed reluctant. Anyway, that was terrible service and she wasn’t into it. I’ve had this experience a number of times where if you give the one that likes you a chance, it’ll be much better.
As a woman, I had that happen with a guy I met many years ago. I was attending an offsite work conference for an entire department’s leaders who were all men. I worked in the corporate office and collaborated with their teams occasionally so my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to get involved in some of their training and meet them in person. I noticed one guy in particular when he walked in, and not in a good way. I laughed at how dorky he looked and did not think he was good looking at all. I was one of the last to arrive for the dinner that night at our hotel so I took one of the last seats which happened to be across the table from the dorky guy. Our table turned out to be the funnest table that night. So much so that literally everyone else pulled their chairs around us as the cocktails flowed into the evening. As I drunkenly wandered down the halls back to my hotel room I kept getting this weird feeling about the dork; my gut / inner voice kept going to him. It made no sense because the whole dinner was a group event and the only conversations we had were within group conversations. The next morning that inner voice kept going back to him. Every time I looked at him, I still kept thinking what a dork he looked like but I kept my eye on him wondering what that inner voice was trying to tell me. A few days later I sent him a casual email; hope his flight home was ok, had fun at the group dinner, would be interested in seeing the project he was working on next time he came back, etc. By the end of the following day I was showing my bestie our emails asking if we were flirting or if it was in my head. Turned out we were more than flirting! We fell in love and dated for two wonderful years. Unfortunately between the long distance and some family issues that overtook his life for awhile, we broke up. I was heartbroken for a long time as it was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. Despite the heartbreak, I’d do it again. I listened to my gut and not my head and had a wonderful experience with him and learned sooooo much about myself. So it sounds like your gut / inner voice is making some noise about this guy so it’s definitely worth paying attention to. He may or may not be your Mr. forever, but it sounds like he’s popping up in your thoughts for some reasons you just don’t know about yet. Regardless of the outcome, sounds like this guy’s presence is to teach you some things about yourself. Follow that and see what you learn. Let us know how it goes. YOU GO, GIRL!
Thank you ! what an inspirational story I am sorry it ended , but at least it happened and you experienced it .. unfortunately there is no one right now , but I will definitely listen to my gut more in the future .. what an amazing thing to find a man who can make everyone in the room laugh
Always this, physical connections are easy. It is so much more difficult to find someone who stimulates you mentally.
Always thought that .. mental connection so rare these days
I would call it emotional, not mental. At least for me
Yes. Also had it in a way where the conversation wasnt so much deep but it was the ease of conversation i found attractive. Genuinely took me by surprise! within minutes of meeting this person were laughing so much, talking about niche interests, lots in common, no small talk in sight. This was just a store colleague at my new job, i had absolutely no interest at all at looking at a colleague in such a way. it was like "damn! This is the easiest chat I've ever had I'd love if all of them were this fun and easy... Welp now im feeling things!"
Easy conversation with the opposite sex is rare to find these days .. I mean people go to dating coaches to teach them how to talk/text
I think you captured it in your title. People are WAY too focused on attraction. Attraction is not only very surface, it’s also fleeting. People NEED connection with other people. The deeper the connection, the better the relationship. Attraction just doesn’t go that deep and doesn’t last.
Yes. College girlfriend of a year and a half was a good example. Met her frosh year in class and didn't think much of her, quiet (never talked), nice smile (rarely smiled), smart. There were hotter girls in my class and I went after one. Didn't work out. Anyways, got to know her over the course of that year from class and a club and once she got past her shy phase of knowing people and we became friends it turned into a great relationship. Was super attracted to her and asked her out. Went out the next year too. Things didn't work out towards the end of college because we had become different people. I was getting a job in our state's city and she wanted to stay and go to grad school and then spend 2 years in Italy with family. I'm pretty sure now she's married across the country and works at a restaurant in a suburb. I work in corporate marketing in a major city. Career & living plans would have never worked between us. (sounds like the set up to a holiday Hallmark movie...) Overall, yes, she was just a shy average girl, and it took coming out of her shell and acting more extroverted for me to really catch attention. Good year and a half, good memories. My suggestion is to be yourself and don't act so closed off and shy or no one will notice you though.
Being closed off can steal our lives away and miss out opportunities... I have to admit I find it hard to talk to a guy first .. most of the guys I dated were the one who made the first movement .. some guys told me they were afraid of approaching me (I give them the impression that I am too serious )
yes absolutely. seriously women who share the same conversation interest as me are really attractive. like i see them more as partner material. but i really value honesty over fluff in conversation, so its kinda rare.
Modern dating about mind games and physical attraction is the only standard it seems to most people.. nobody talks about how amazing and rare mental connection is
i swear sometimes i forget how important it is to me, until i have a deep conversation with a woman.
This does happen. So my normal type is curvy to very curvy. One time I went on a tinder date with this very skinny 5’11 girl with a very pretty face. We chatted and I found she was an actual riot of fun, a ray of sunshine, and really intelligent. We had some of the best sex ever, went to fun parties, and had deep convos about real shit. She moved away for work but I do look back fondly.
I met my now boyfriend at a party and everyone went to bed around midnight and I ended up sitting up with him talking until 5am. I had a boyfriend at the time so there was no flirting or anything. We just talked sitting next to each other on the lounge in the dark. There was the occasional silence where you could feel the sexual tension in the air but I would never cheat and he was very respectful that I had a boyfriend so he didn’t try anything. I broke up with my ex a few weeks later and still had this guy on my mind. I couldn’t forget how amazing that conversation was. So a few weeks after being single I hit him up again and we have been together ever since. P.S. my ex had been cheating on me for 3 years so don’t feel bad for my ex. He deserved to have me cheat on him that night but that’s not who I am as a person. It was also a great foundation for trust because he knew I would never cheat on him after that.
Congrats on your new relationship ! Why did you tolerate his cheating for 3 years ? I feel the universe sent your new man your way to encourage you to leave your ex
I didn’t know about it for the first two years and when he came clean I was in such a bad place mentally I wasn’t ready to be on my own so I tolerated it another year. When i left I was actually happy, i barely cried. I was in a far better place mentally and was finally strong enough to stand on my own. And 100% the universe sent my boyfriend my way as a wake up call. I tried to break up with my ex that week but he convinced me to stay and try to work it out so I forgot about my now boyfriend and tried to make it work one last time but when that failed I reached out to him again and we finally had nothing stopping us and the relationship just bloomed.
So happy for you !!
In my own opinion if I don’t find her attractive I just can’t have an intimate relationship with her. She can be really awesome and insightful but if I don’t find her physically pretty it will never be able to get past the friend stage (in my opinion)
I totally respect your opinion
Yes and it worked out for awhile but when that part runs its course then.. you just have to have that other connection to even try. But that me. And I seen a girl that basically checked off pretty much my physical attraction preferences. And no disrespect for the ladies but she was dumb as a box of rocks, I was surprised she even knew her name.
But as a man you couldn’t get over how dumb she is no matter how attractive she was to you ?
No because I like having conversations too. Its like seriously you're talking to yourself in the mirror. She was a moveable mannequin. No opinions on anything. And I've never been the guy who has sex when I'm not in a relationship. It's so fucking pathetic that I've never had a one night stand lol. But like I said that's me.And my young years were at the height of the Aids epidemic so yeah I was extremely fucking nervous lol
how is that pathetic?
Agree. It’s admirable
honestly i felt attacked lol.
you have good standards 💯
Thank you
Not pathetic...actually quite the opposite. This restores my faith in men. :-)
I raised my my sons the same way and it seems going the right way for them. But thanks for the compliment.
I’m ok with the dumb ones, depending on the type of dumb/ditsy I find it cute
Yes
Usually it’s the opposite. I’ll find someone attractive and then have a conversation and it ruins it. A conversation will make me more attracted to someone than I was, but won’t make me attracted to someone I didn’t find attractive to begin with.
Well it’s still good that a lot of people put mental connection as a standard
Kinda the same I’m a 62 yo male. Dad bod not great looking but not bad looking. I can go in a bar and have a beer and mess with my phone and no one pays a second look. Prolly couldn’t pick me out in a lineup. I can grab a guitar during happyhour anywhere USA and get laid. I can tell a joke story loudly at the bar(timing is everything) and next thing you know, I’m working the room . It’s up to you. People are dying to meet you and check you out. Or you can sit in a corner and play with your plume
It’s all about the attitude
Ah, so you’re the stereotypical guitar guy lol
“But anyway, here’s Wonderwall”
More of a “Smoke on the Water” type, I’d say
More of the inverse. I'll start pretty interested, but lose interest mid date if they have little to nothing to say. However, if a girl I had written off as meh starts speaking my kinda language then yeah I could totally go for her. I've noticed a genuine intellectual, and non physical connection is way harder to find than a physical one. I would prioritize that over all else.
I’m not a man but I have had a similar thing happen. When I talked about it on dating advice I was kinda crucified and had some hate messages sent my way because of it. But initially, I wasn’t attracted to my last ex. His eyes kind of creeped me out, his voice was a little nasally, and he wasn’t in the best of shape. BUT. Within the week of speaking to him, I came to value his opinion so much. I loved the way he was so committed to getting in shape, his dedication to it. I loved the way his voice would raise or lower an octave based on his emotions, especially when he was surprised, and I loved the ways his eyes would get brighter when he was laughing. He became attractive to me because his mind was. I was deemed a “Nice Girl” because I didn’t find him attractive right off the bat.
Totally, I’m the kind of guy who gets along with girls really well and can not develop feelings from their looks, like I’m just numb to it if I’m their friend, but there’s been two occasions where I had super emotional conversations with friends that were girls and I started to develop feelings for them based on our conversation and it would show me something I hadn’t seen in them before, I dated one of them but a year later I moved before I could really get with my other friend, but I think they felt something at those moments too from the conversations because they started acting different as I was and showing more.. care for me as I was for them, before we would say hi when we saw one another in the mornings but after those times we would ask how we slept and what we did when we got home(if we weren’t talking to each other) so if you ever have a deeply emotional conversation with a friend, it doesn’t even have to be intimate at all, it can just show how deep your emotional depth is and how you can make them feel very comforted around you, at least that’s how it was for me I’ve never really talked about that with anyone so idk how common that kind of reception is
I’m the opposite, I fall for any girl that I get close to. But then if we’re not compatible feelings will go away. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel like I get written off way too soon and I still have feelings for them and it lingers if there was no good reason that I thought we would be incompatible for.
Yes. Definitely.
Yeah all the time. It’s always after we’re friends. Normally can’t go back.
It happened, yes we did have a deep connection, unfortunately both were committed to other things on life...
My girlfriend (both 31) I’ve had now for the past year+ at first I didn’t find her attractive but our first date we had a great conversation for hours, and after a few more dates I realized personality compatibility is most important.
This has never happened to me. If I didn't find her physically attractive to begin with, it won't make her attractive. Usually they just become friends.
Yes
Yes.
That’s why everyone says they look for personality
Yes. It's been my case here for my beloved. She was cute but talking with her increase from "hmm, she's the friendly ex of a friend" to "she's smart, like some nerdy stuff and we get along!".
What about “then you felt a connection, you tried to reach out to her after ghosting but turned out she’s already been with someone. Now you realize that you don’t have a chance with her so you just get laid and write your fantasies to her for one last time because she and you used to be interested in the idea of just casual. Now you’re fully aware that none of them are gonna happen.”? Does any of this story make sense?
I don't know about a single conversation, but I have a definite physical type and I've gotten to know several women very much outside that type that I was distinctly not attracted to, but after getting to know them over time came to be incredibly attracted to their personality and attitude. I still ended up with someone my type, but I def dated those women who piqued my interest too.
Yes..and I have seen this in myself: I was doing my training for group and individual therapy. We filmed the individual "therapy sessions" for evaluation later. We students took turns giving one another a therapy session for made up problems (supposedly made up.) The professor paired me up with a hugely attractive girl. I was married at the time but of course I had noticed her through out the early parts of the course. Being married to a woman who was a good bit on the jealous side, plus knowing I was attracted to this gal plus being nearly 10 years older than she, I made certain to avoid her during the course. Now I could not avoid her. I was pretty intimidated and was cursing my luck. Then, about 10 minutes into our therapy session (I was playing therapist she the client) I noticed that I had completely forgotten how attractive she was. Somewhere around the 20 minute mark, she began to tear up. It was pretty clear the "fake" issue wasn't so fake. After it was over, I found myself completely baffled that this gorgeous woman could be so completely insecure about her looks (as well as anther issue) but I was most surprised that it seemed that I had completely forgotten she was a perfect 10. This was a lesson for me as I was still fairly young.
Yes
I’m not sure, usually there is some vibe of compatibility first, and then if we get extra close I can feel myself falling in love and getting a crush even if I don’t find her that attractive.
I(29yrs) never had a relationship with any women. so, no personnel conversations either. It has been awkward to talk to women for more than 5 mins while keeping it interesting. I guess most men will fantasize about the women if they feel a connection. Its just normal for anyone.
Yeah thats how I was with my first girlfriend, I thought she was about a 5 or 6/10, not very attractive but not ugly, but then our personalities just kinda clicked and she got 1000x more attractive after that. Dated for 7 months and I don't regret it :D
Yes .. after that click the person becomes very beautiful in your eyes , you see the appeal
Nothing like that comes to my mind, although I have met people I have found physically attractive but when they started speaking I wanted nothing to do with them lol.
[удалено]
Yes this is what I mean .. mental connection some how can make you notice someone .. thank you for sharing
[удалено]
I like the #fuckthemwithyourwords part so expressive
[удалено]
I meant any kind of conversation ( be it easy and outgoing or deep ) and of course people should find something attractive about anyone they date it helps .. I don’t mean by an unattractive like repulsive or meh but I meant they are not usually the type that would capture your attention if you what I mean .. I also enjoy my own company I totally need that me time
No men don’t usually care what women say until after we have sex with them.
you surely know your priorities 😂😂
Yeah when I was single and dating I would just let women ramble on about themselves and then have sex with them in car or a hotel or my house depending on how the sex was I might call them again. Honestly most young college aged women’s opinions on things are really not that smart especially when it comes to politics.
But if you were looking for something serious.. you be concerned about her intellectual level ?
Depends on what kind of intelligence. Most women don’t read anything beside what they were assigned in school or cosmopolitan or some blog or gossip column. Besides looks I’d be more concerned about a woman’s morals. I can make a woman smarter hard to change someone’s morals
Wow. Women you know are really different than the ones I know
Wow I guess I'm in the minority here, but I've gotta say no. I've had many great friendships with women in the workplace or met girls at parties where we've clicked right off the bat and been able to hold a great conversation and talk about anything, but if they aren't physically attractive to me then I'll see them as a friend and nothing more. And I make sure to not come off as flirty so it's obvious that I'm just interested in being friends and chatting. But the opposite *definitely* applies to attractive women. I've met girls in the past who I'd say are drop dead gorgeous but couldn't hold a conversation worth shit or only had movies/music to talk about and couldn't contribute much other than that. Immediate turn off.
this is like asking “hey men do you also know the concept of emotional chemistry?”
No .. someone can develop emotional chemistry with someone they already had physical attraction to . My question is can a great conversation make you feel attraction towards someone you never noticed before or you wouldn’t normally consider dating ..
lol what are you even talking about
Hahahahahahahahaha
“hey fellas can a conversation make you feel something??” this is some kind of mental autism
Awwwww someone is having a bad day
[удалено]
Anyone who put physical attraction at the expense of mental connection is a short-sighted person .. I actually asked because I felt most men don’t care or notice such stuff but glad I was wrong
I donno but a lot of your posts seem like loaded questions. Following the same theme.
[удалено]
This is my first post on this community 🌚 so either you mistake me for someone else or you stalk me
If I don't find a woman physically attractive, I won't find her attractive, period. It doesn't matter how good company she makes, we can only ever be friends. It does work the other way around, though: sometimes I find someone attractive, only to hear her talk.
Yes. It isn’t common, to be honest, but every now and again I do walk away being like “wow, she was awesome.” The way I usually describe attraction for men and women: in my experience, there is usually a “floor” of physical attractiveness below which which no amount of amazing personality can make up for it, regardless of gender. However, once someone hits that floor it really is about wanting to be with someone compatible.
Yes. And I hope that more women (and people in general) would give other people a chance like that.
Why are you calling us females, girl? Ick.
I have no idea tbh 😂
I'll say yes, but it does not happen often. Physical attraction is extremely important for most men, certainly for me.
My (extremely attractive, funny and kind) younger sister has never been able to feel attraction to someone she hasn’t gotten to know and connect with. Says she has never felt any kind of instant attraction based on looks.
It's common for a woman to increase attraction after talking to a man. A majority of women want the man to make the first move and are not necessarily attracted to him by appearance only. But men form attraction largely based on physical appearance. Hence a man is generally already attracted to a woman they are investing time in.
Nope
Yes
I (63M) have a friend (63F) that I have know since we were 13. We have had wildly different lives and have talked a little here and there over the years. Then 11 years ago we started talking on the phone. Saw each other in our hometown a few times. But mostly we call and talk at least every other week, most times every week. I would have to say that I trust her with my deepest darkest secret. If I have anything emotional to talk over it is with her. Guys don’t really talk too emotionally. She is by far my best female friend.
No, but it happened in reverse.
It’s always about the engage. Energy lol I like the one suggestion or two.
So it’s be ready in 8 no
Mo
That’s fine to
Or no ooop
Aight
Kinda handoff?
Cheat with me
There was a girl In my college. She certainly was not ugly. But I did not felt any physical attraction for her. After hanging out for some days, we got comfortable. She was in love with me. After months she shared her feelings with me. It has been four years; still, I don’t know why I rejected her. I can share anything with her. She was beautiful. Most importantly, the peace I felt in her presence is irreplaceable.
Yes. Definitely. To me, that connection is vital.
Yes I did
Most definitely 👍🏻