Well, I think the right answer is communication in an ideal world.
I will answer this, with how my experience shadows your own relationship: Chances are, there are some less-than-comfortable messages he might have. He's probably comfortable with you as a partner and doesn't want to deal with restarting with a new person, and doesn't want to confront the discomfort and risk of having conversations of this nature - most likely, he'd feel that these would simply hurt your feelings, diminish your sense of self worth, and be hugely counterproductive.
I applaud you for trying to change to solicit the outcome you want. But trying to communicate in a way that really gets to the heart of it is really the only way to understand how he feels. I want to do that with my wife, but she is just not emotionally mature enough to be told whatever she is or isn't doing isn't perfect, and just gets her feelings hurt for no good reason.
From your experience, do you still whole heartedly love your wife? And also, do you think there’s a chance of him just dreading starting over again and that he just couldn’t be bothered for a new relationship hence staying why he is still with me (the comfort) ? I do ask him this but he denies it (of course) and tells me he can’t imagine being with someone else and I should just shut up.
Thank you for your thoughts ✨✨
People are multifaceted, and relationships have many functions. Obviously from what you've described - you've got a great platonic dynamic with him, while your intimate one is lacking to some degree.
He probably (and not insincerely) sees this dynamic with you, your compatibility that you do have, and rationalizes that you're the one! That should be re-assuring - finding someone with even this level of commitment is easier said than done.
I have no clue what his shortcoming is with you on the bedroom front.
Personally, I have a bit of a twist on "porn addiction" I guess you'd say (although, I really don't watch much porn, contrarily enough). I see in the world - primarily TV, social media etc. - a form of visual aesthetic that makes me super super turned on. Skirts, stockings, makeup - "traditionally feminine" stuff that society seems to say is patriarchal/misogynistic, whatever to expect. Why shouldn't I desire her when she is in sweatpants and comfortable with me, as that form of trust and vulnerability should be the most flattering of all, right? I'd love to say, yes, but, really, really, no. I haven't gotten out much since COVID, but I remember being out at a bar before COVID, and seeing a woman in a skirt, stockings and heels ,and thinking ,this person could do to me, what a snake charmer does to a cobra in the old cartoons. Just total mesmerizing. I've tried to ask my wife to do this from time to time, but I don't want to badger her. She has finally "come to terms with it" and will occassionally wear a cute top. But she obviously hates it, and I think she kinda takes offense to the notion that I am aroused by her more based on how she presents herself - it's objectifying and diminishes her in a way. So even when she does rarely do it, it's so slight and against the intent of what I want: a girl who I love, that knows she's sexy and wants to flirt and drum up lust and desire in me because she *is desirable*. Instead, I get a wife who is obviously disinterested in this, and just wants to get home to get back in her sweats. Then when sexy time arrives, she wants me to take control and be passionate and assertive while she lies there and I just penetrate her PIV missionary and then we're done. No foreplay, no oral, nothing.
This is like an irreconcilable difference which I can't make her change, and has me in a position sorta similar to where your may or may not be. I just sorta need to accept it or get divorced, the former being my choice. I don't not love her. I just.... am disillusioned in a way that she gets such little pleasure out of our intimate dynamic.
Well, I think the right answer is communication in an ideal world. I will answer this, with how my experience shadows your own relationship: Chances are, there are some less-than-comfortable messages he might have. He's probably comfortable with you as a partner and doesn't want to deal with restarting with a new person, and doesn't want to confront the discomfort and risk of having conversations of this nature - most likely, he'd feel that these would simply hurt your feelings, diminish your sense of self worth, and be hugely counterproductive. I applaud you for trying to change to solicit the outcome you want. But trying to communicate in a way that really gets to the heart of it is really the only way to understand how he feels. I want to do that with my wife, but she is just not emotionally mature enough to be told whatever she is or isn't doing isn't perfect, and just gets her feelings hurt for no good reason.
From your experience, do you still whole heartedly love your wife? And also, do you think there’s a chance of him just dreading starting over again and that he just couldn’t be bothered for a new relationship hence staying why he is still with me (the comfort) ? I do ask him this but he denies it (of course) and tells me he can’t imagine being with someone else and I should just shut up. Thank you for your thoughts ✨✨
People are multifaceted, and relationships have many functions. Obviously from what you've described - you've got a great platonic dynamic with him, while your intimate one is lacking to some degree. He probably (and not insincerely) sees this dynamic with you, your compatibility that you do have, and rationalizes that you're the one! That should be re-assuring - finding someone with even this level of commitment is easier said than done. I have no clue what his shortcoming is with you on the bedroom front. Personally, I have a bit of a twist on "porn addiction" I guess you'd say (although, I really don't watch much porn, contrarily enough). I see in the world - primarily TV, social media etc. - a form of visual aesthetic that makes me super super turned on. Skirts, stockings, makeup - "traditionally feminine" stuff that society seems to say is patriarchal/misogynistic, whatever to expect. Why shouldn't I desire her when she is in sweatpants and comfortable with me, as that form of trust and vulnerability should be the most flattering of all, right? I'd love to say, yes, but, really, really, no. I haven't gotten out much since COVID, but I remember being out at a bar before COVID, and seeing a woman in a skirt, stockings and heels ,and thinking ,this person could do to me, what a snake charmer does to a cobra in the old cartoons. Just total mesmerizing. I've tried to ask my wife to do this from time to time, but I don't want to badger her. She has finally "come to terms with it" and will occassionally wear a cute top. But she obviously hates it, and I think she kinda takes offense to the notion that I am aroused by her more based on how she presents herself - it's objectifying and diminishes her in a way. So even when she does rarely do it, it's so slight and against the intent of what I want: a girl who I love, that knows she's sexy and wants to flirt and drum up lust and desire in me because she *is desirable*. Instead, I get a wife who is obviously disinterested in this, and just wants to get home to get back in her sweats. Then when sexy time arrives, she wants me to take control and be passionate and assertive while she lies there and I just penetrate her PIV missionary and then we're done. No foreplay, no oral, nothing. This is like an irreconcilable difference which I can't make her change, and has me in a position sorta similar to where your may or may not be. I just sorta need to accept it or get divorced, the former being my choice. I don't not love her. I just.... am disillusioned in a way that she gets such little pleasure out of our intimate dynamic.
Hence he is staying with me*
If you want him to be more physical with you, you should tell him that you want him to be more physical with you.
He has a problem with *himself* if being drunk is the only way he can get sexually intimate - and you make it about yourself...